July 14, 2025 • 62 mins
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What defines your self-worth after experiencing domestic abuse? How do you recognize the red flags in potential partners when your sense of normal has been warped by past trauma? Licensed Professional Counselor Dana Nygaard takes us on a powerful journey through these questions in this deeply personal and practical conversation.
"Good guys don't call you names. That's not what good men do."
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Josh Porthouse (00:00):
The views expressed in this podcast are
solely those of the podcast hostand guest and do not
necessarily represent those ofour distribution partners,
supporting businessrelationships or supported
audience.
Welcome to Transacting Value,where we talk about practical
(00:22):
applications for instigatingself-worth when dealing with
each other and even withinourselves, where we foster a
podcast listening experiencethat lets you hear the power of
a value system for managingburnout, establishing boundaries
, fostering community andfinding identity.
My name is Josh Porthouse, I'myour host and we are redefining
sovereignty of character.
(00:42):
This is why values still holdvalue.
This is Transacting Value.
Dana Nygaard (00:49):
Part of this is not settling and the person's
going to be human and to be ahealthy human being, you have to
know you have weaknesses andyou're going to make mistakes.
So it's not asking someone tobe perfect, but they need to be
the perfect person for you.
Josh Porthouse (01:08):
Today on Transacting Value.
How do you describe, how do youidentify who you are and who
you become and your worth,especially when the place you
come from involves abusedomestically, verbally, maybe
even physically or in any otherrelationship?
Today's guest we're talkingwith licensed professional
(01:28):
counselor and relationship coach, dana Nygaard.
All about where women can getfree help and go from miss to
missus.
Here today on the show, I'mJosh Porthouse, I'm your host
and from SDYT Media.
This is Transacting Value, dana.
How are you doing?
Dana Nygaard (01:48):
Great.
How are you today?
Josh Porthouse (01:49):
I'm doing well, thank you.
I appreciate you making timeout of your schedule, by the way
, to come talk.
I know you've got clients and alife and everything else, so
thank you first off.
Dana Nygaard (01:57):
Thank you.
I want to thank you for havingthis platform.
Josh Porthouse (02:01):
Yeah Well, I appreciate you saying that too.
It's, and it's interesting, youknow, talking to people I think
we're creeping pretty closelyto around 200 or so on the show.
Incredible, all aboutself-worth and value systems.
And one thing I hadn't reallyconsidered to this point, I
guess, cause most of myperspective is rooted in
occupational changes to, youknow, roles and identity and
(02:24):
worth and values I hadn't reallyever considered in the context
of a relationship, or even anabusive one, but as a
consideration, marriage, whichis your whole focus, right?
Dana Nygaard (02:36):
Yes, because that's the desired role that
these women feel that God hasplaced upon their heart.
And they're looking around,thinking either where are the
men?
No one's asked me out.
Or they're thinking why do Ikeep attracting these unhealthy
men or nice men, but they'rejust not the right guy for me
and they're lonely.
(02:56):
And then time is ticking andthey want to have babies most of
them and they're starting tofreak out about that and they
want to find true, deep, abidinglove.
Josh Porthouse (03:07):
Yeah, and now I also for the record.
I understand your primaryclientele is all female or
mostly women, All.
Dana Nygaard (03:15):
For relationship coaching all female.
For my private practice, whichis only in Texas, it's
individuals.
It can be male or females andcouples also.
Josh Porthouse (03:24):
Okay, all right, cool.
So then, I think what might beinteresting in this conversation
too, is I'm going to pick yourbrain a little bit from a male
perspective, as it applies tosome of these marriage
considerations as well.
But for right now, since we'rejust getting started out, for
anybody who's tuning into theconversation or watching it here
and doesn't know you what we'retalking about or what you talk
about, let's just take a coupleminutes.
Who are you, where are you from, and what sort of things are
(03:48):
shaping your perspective on lifeas these matters are applied?
Dana Nygaard (03:52):
Well, I'm a fifth generation Texan and I taught
school.
I'm very proud of that.
My son is a sixth generationand the seventh generation I
hope and pray are also born inthe States.
We can continue that legacy.
I taught high school, secondaryeducation for 16 years before
transitioning into going back tograd school, while working
(04:14):
full-time, while dealing withbreast cancer and that was my
second time to have cancer.
So, thank you Lord, I'm stillhere today yeah, it's pretty
incredible and becoming alicensed professional counselor,
and I'm a mom of one.
So we have a son who is 30 andI have the most delightful
husband, david.
Anyone who knows my husbandthey actually sigh and tilt
(04:36):
their head At least the women do.
They go David, because he'sjust so precious and delightful
and makes me laugh, and he isthe salve to the wounds of my
past, of my childhood, of beingmarried before.
Josh Porthouse (04:52):
Wow, what a compliment that is.
He's amazing.
Thank you Lord.
Dana Nygaard (04:57):
I'm so grateful for him and he's grateful for me
and I appreciate that.
I'm always thinking like, whatwould I do without this
wonderful man?
That is, I think, a gift fromGod.
He has a servant's heart.
He really does.
It takes a lot to rile him andI'm the spicy, feisty one and
he's that, you know, calm, youknow poured in the storm.
(05:19):
He's just amazing.
Josh Porthouse (05:22):
Wow, well, dave, congratulations, yeah, yeah,
now okay.
So all of these things, Iassume came from somewhere.
You didn't just stop teachinghigh school and you're like I'm
tired of the high schoolpregnancies and mismanaged
relationships, let me make it acareer.
So what led to all of this?
Dana Nygaard (05:45):
Well, I kept having parents come to me
because I was a psychologyteacher.
I taught a little US history.
I began my teaching careerteaching English as a second
language.
But the whole reason why I wentinto teaching and how I ended
my teaching career was highschool psychology.
So I taught regular level,advanced placement and then the
two levels of internationalbaccalaureate.
And so by the time these kidsgraduated at least the IB
(06:08):
students they were almost littlemini therapists themselves.
And their parents would come tome and say this is what my
daughter is doing, she's in herhead about, like you know, she's
a swimmer.
She's in her head suddenlyshe's losing races, what do I do
?
And I would look at them like Idon't know, I'm just a
psychology teacher.
And they wouldn't leave.
(06:28):
And so I'd open up the book andI'd say this is what the book
says about sports psychology.
Here's an idea.
And the parents, theyapparently they all talked,
because they all started comingto me and they said it worked.
And I thought, ok, I can nowapply this to a deeper level.
Now I am very proud that I havemany former students.
(06:48):
They're all grown and out ofschool now because I'm getting
old and I have a lot ofpsychologists and psychiatrists
that came from my program.
So it was very exciting and Ijust came home to my husband and
said I want to go to gradschool and we were newlyweds at
the time and he said what do Ineed to do to make this happen?
And our son was in a high schoolbut we had to drive about 30
(07:11):
minutes away.
It was a private Catholicschool and so my husband, just
he dove in deep and just thebest stepfather ever and he took
our son back and forth andcooked meals and sat there with
me when I cried over how am Igoing to get this paper written
in this little amount of time?
Post-grade, all my students'essays and you know it was a lot
, but it's one of the bestdecisions, besides having my son
(07:35):
and marrying my husband, thatI've ever made in my life is to
go through the grind of becomingan LPC, because it's roughly
five years from beginning to end.
Once you get your, you gothrough the national testing you
have to pass, you have to get3000 postgraduate hours before
you are fully licensed.
So it's five years of a reallytough grind with no money coming
(07:58):
in and money just going out.
And my husband said I'm all, I'mall in for it, but it's still
one of the best things I've everdone.
Josh Porthouse (08:07):
Well, he does sound delightful.
Dana Nygaard (08:09):
It's amazing.
Josh Porthouse (08:10):
That's crazy and so okay, talking through well,
3000 hours plus of of therapywith clients I assume couples
and individuals.
Dana Nygaard (08:23):
It depends on how you, how you want to go about it
.
As long as you have 1,500face-to-face with people and the
other 1,500 can be moretrainings, your paperwork, your
books you're reading, but even1,500 hours, it takes roughly 18
months for most people.
Josh Porthouse (08:41):
Okay, yeah, so that is a sizable amount of time
, and you decided to focus allof it on abuse victims.
Dana Nygaard (08:50):
No, it's interesting Once I got through
my training and did work withabuse victims because I worked
at the amazing, magnificentChildren's Advocacy Center of
Collin County.
It's one of the premieradvocacy centers in the US.
So everyone like the things youheard on TV.
Be like what happened to thislittle four-year-old, what
happened to this family of aneight nine-year-old?
(09:11):
What did a coach do?
Those are the kids we got.
Then we also worked with theirparents, because now you're the
parent of a kid who maybe wasabused by someone in your family
.
Why didn't you notice thecreepy neighbor was there.
Maybe it's not your fault, butthen how do they deal with that?
And a lot of the parents alsocame from a history of being
(09:32):
abused in different ways, and soI did start off my career that
way.
But in my private practice itwas interesting when couples
come to me.
A lot of couples come becausethey just want they love each
other and they just want toimprove their connection.
They want to deepen thatemotional intimacy.
I actually wrote a book on thatvery topic with over a thousand
questions to deepen thatconnection.
(09:54):
However, that was this manypeople, most of them that came
one of the spouses in mypersonal experience I don't mean
this is statistically what itis, but in my practice, where
the husband is a narcissist andthen the single women come to me
and say, hey, I'm dating, youknow, john Doe, and here's what
(10:14):
John said today I'd be like, oh,that's a lovely, that sounds
nice check.
And then they say, but then hedid this.
And I'd be like, okay, thatwould actually fall under abuse
and they would immediately pushback.
And it was like, okay, thatwould actually fall under abuse
and they would immediately pushback.
And it was like they had allread the same script.
What's an example?
What do you?
Josh Porthouse (10:31):
mean.
Dana Nygaard (10:31):
So an example would be he said that he has
been sober from pornography forso long, a certain amount of
time, and then the other day thetopic came up somehow and I
could tell from his facesomething was going wrong there.
And when I pushed a little bit,sure enough, that was never
true.
(10:51):
I've never been sober.
I've lied to you every timeyou've checked in with me.
Hey, still checking, you'remaking sure things are good.
Ok, I've lied to you every time.
Or let's say, the man does thetypical gentlemanly things open
car door, stands up for a womanwhen she enters and leaves the
room, okay, all those beautifulthings.
And then they'll say, almost asa side note until I was late
(11:14):
the other day not my fault, I'mnever late.
Traffic, it was on the news.
I was 10 minutes late.
I even let him know what washappening and he screamed at me
for 20 minutes and then hecalled me a blankety blank.
He said what word?
The B word, the C word?
What happened?
And they would say well, weworked through it.
Okay, help me to understand.
(11:36):
What do you mean?
You worked through it and theywould look at me like we worked
it.
Okay.
He said blankety blank to you.
Then you said because I have,we got to break it down.
They have to see it.
If I just tell them, you know,shake my finger like I used to
be a teacher.
Um, that's not healthy.
You need to break up with him,that's not going to work.
(11:57):
They have to get it on theirown right.
And so I would say okay, hecalled you a blank.
What did you say?
You may not call me that, noone will call me that name.
And then what happened?
We went and got pizza.
Okay, that's not workingthrough it.
Has he done it again?
Yeah, well, I thought you saidbefore that you told him you
(12:21):
wouldn't put up with that.
Well, I mean, I did Like I toldhim and they'll get real
serious.
Like I told him you wouldn'tput up with that.
Well, I mean, I did like I toldhim and they'll get real
serious.
Like I told him, you can't dothat but they all have email,
right?
yeah, it's just it's, it's, it'sso sad.
And the other thing that theysay often and it's again, it's
like they almost all read fromthe same script is, once I point
out that that's abusiveemotional, verbal, whatever it
(12:43):
is physical, they'll they'llusually drop their head because
they're very ashamed and they'llsay I feel so bad right now.
He's a really good guy and I'mgiving you the wrong impression.
And so I have to disavow themof that.
And I have these two Frenchdoors in my therapy office and
what I'll do is I'll say, okay,let's pretend I have imaginary
(13:05):
post-it notes.
So on, this one brings youflowers.
We're going to put it on thegood behavior side, and I don't
even say bad behavior, I say youknow, like the not so good side
, because I don't want it to getall you know them getting upset
.
Where do I put he called you ablank, where does that one go?
And they just stare.
They know the answer.
But it's that cognitive bias,right?
(13:27):
Or the confirmation bias wherethey're thinking good guys bring
flowers.
Good guys, you know, say I'mpretty Okay, but good guys,
don't call you a blank.
That's not what good men do.
My husband doesn't even saythat, like, let's say, the
waitress is the worst serverwe've ever had.
She has a terrible attitude andis beyond rude.
(13:51):
My husband is not going to callher a five-letter word for a
female dog.
He's just it's not, it's notpart of our life.
And it's amazing how they'llsay oh yeah, he calls other
people that, but not me, sweetie.
If he calls other people that,you're going to be on the
receiving end at some point.
I promise you that's what'sgoing to happen.
Yeah, and I want there to beless abuse, less needless
(14:16):
suffering.
There's enough suffering thathappens in life anyway.
You know acts of God, tornadoes, cancer, car wrecks.
We don't need to invite in more.
And if they had betterself-confidence they wouldn't
accept it, and I'm living proofof it.
I used to accept that and myhusband will say to me he'll be
like okay.
I know all the stories are true.
(14:37):
I've met most of the players inthis story.
He said but I just can'tpicture you accepting that.
He's like I wouldn't havelasted a day and a half.
I'm like, dude, you wouldn'thave lasted a minute.
Because I got to the point whereI finally told myself this is
what I've done in the past.
I'm the cognitive.
I mean not the cognitive, I'mthe common denominator here.
So, huh, I have to have a partin this.
(15:00):
What's my responsibility?
I keep inviting those people inmy life.
So now, when I'm going to dateagain, I need to heal that
before I get out there.
And so I did a deep dive for 90days into healing an insecure
attachment to secure, because Iknow it takes the brain 90 days
to really make a change throughneuroplasticity.
(15:22):
And I dove into it, just like Idid math classes in college and
grad school.
I took them in the summer nohistory, no English, nothing
else.
So I could live, eat andbreathe the math.
So it's all I could think about.
So I could do better at it.
And that's how I survived mathclasses, because they're not.
They're very hard for me Evenwith all the effort.
(15:42):
It's like I got a C and thatwas like an A, but I put in.
A-level effort, and so I thoughtokay, if it works in that way,
let's see if it works in thisway.
And it does, because if I nowtake an attachment quiz, it
always comes out as secure.
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Dana Nygaard (16:21):
And so I thought OK, if it works in that way,
let's see if it works in thisway.
And it does, because if I nowtake an attachment quiz, it
always comes out as secure.
Josh Porthouse (16:32):
Well, congratulations, thank you,
thank you.
Dana Nygaard (16:35):
Yeah, absolutely, it's incredible because God is a
good and generous God, and Idid my hard work too.
Josh Porthouse (16:41):
Yeah, well, okay , so that's something else as
well.
Right, there's something to besaid for having to actually go
through some sort of a grind andjust deal with whatever happens
to appreciate what comes next.
That's right, because you can'tI don't think you can actually
have that degree of gratitudewithout some degree of sacrifice
first or suffrage first, butsaying that how do you, or how
(17:02):
did you or how do you recommendidentifying or maybe qualifying
your tolerance and thenidentifying your threshold,
because you've got to have someallowance for it, but there's a
line.
Dana Nygaard (17:16):
There has to be a line.
Exactly so it's.
You know what are your.
I asked someone like what arethe top five qualities you want
in a man?
Because some women will havethis exhaustive list and I'm
like girl, if we applied thefemale version to you, would you
be all those things?
No.
I've never had one woman eversay yes, I am all those things.
Never, not once.
(17:36):
Okay, so let's not get crazyhere, right?
But what are your top five?
Because one of my top five wasI wanted a husband that was
funny.
I don't mean a bada bing, badaboom, he's a comedian.
My husband is not a comedianbut he makes me laugh and so
when he makes me laugh,sometimes it's like I'll burst
out laughing or a chuckle ortake my brain a second.
(17:58):
I'll be like babe, like thatwas a, that was a good one.
I go top five knowing he justhit the ding, ding, ding.
My top five.
So what if I chose a man and Imarried him?
We're 20 years in the marriageand he never makes me laugh, and
yet that was important to me.
What's going to happen?
I'm going to wake up one day,look over in bed and think why
(18:20):
did I do this?
Well, he's a really greathandyman.
Now, my husband is a reallygreat handyman, but let's
pretend that wasn't one of hisgifts.
Well, okay, I could hire ahandyman.
So if I wanted a handyman sobadly, why didn't I have that on
my list of top five?
So part of this is not settlingand the person's going to be
(18:42):
human and to be a healthy humanbeing.
You have to know you haveweaknesses, you have areas in
your life that you're not goingto be great at and you're going
to make mistakes.
So it's not asking someone tobe perfect, but they need to be
the perfect person for you.
And so one of the things I toldmy husband when we got very
serious about dating and I couldtrust him, I said the first
(19:07):
time I ever see you drunk willbe the last time You'll never
see me again Because I'm nothaving that in my life.
I did not come from a home, butthat was a problem.
There were other issues, butthat was a problem when I was
married before and it was sneakyand things that I just was
naive and I just had no idea andso I'll never put up with that
(19:32):
again.
And I said the thing about the Bword.
I said and again, by then Iknew his character I would not
recommend that someone on thefirst date before you really are
able to trust them.
You know, show your hand andlet them know.
Oh, this is what I want you todo, because the manipulator
which okay, on a good day is 4%of the population.
(19:53):
I think it's much closer to 10%, maybe even higher.
In our current society there'sso much evil in the world now
because it's so easy to transmitinformation when in the past,
evil may be in this littlevillage, but it can only get so
far.
Now, in the blink of an eye, itcan just go everywhere.
(20:15):
And so I let him know I neverwant to hear the B word from
your mouth and it's not like hesaid it, it was just something
would come up about that topicand he's like I've never said I
know you, I've never heard yousay it, but I don't ever want to
hear that oh, she's such a,it's just such a degrading term.
And so there are certain thingsthat in the past I put up with.
(20:37):
The number one sign of that youwere getting into an abusive
relationship, and I ignored it.
My past was unwarrantedjealousy, and it can go both
directions For me.
Obviously it was with a man.
But to be able to say why areyou dressed that way?
What do you mean?
I, I've worn this in front ofyou Like we're going to church.
(20:59):
What do you mean?
I'm not dressed inappropriately?
Who are you trying to impress?
And the story that trulyhappened to me was I got
stonewalling where there's justthat like acting like I didn't
exist and wouldn't respond to me.
And then we go to to me this ismy former husband, we were
dating.
And then we go to to meet hisparents to we were dating.
(21:19):
And then we go to meet hisparents to go to a thing, and so
I don't have time to say likewhat's happening?
And I didn't have enoughwherewithal to understand that
he was stonewalling me at themoment.
I knew it, but I didn't knowenough to say get away from this
man.
And later, when he finallytells me because again he has to
Lord it over me that there'ssomething wrong, I've done
(21:41):
something, and he says you werelooking at that man in the car
you mean on the Dallas highway,if you've ever been to Dallas
zoom car.
Josh Porthouse (21:52):
Right on the 10.
Dana Nygaard (21:53):
What are you talking about?
Like I couldn't even say.
Like, oh, you mean the guy thathad the thing about.
Like, yeah, I couldn't even saylike, oh, you mean the guy that
had the thing?
I had no idea what he wasspeaking of.
And I'm the one after he calmeddown, I'm the one who
essentially went out to getpizza, like the women I worked
with.
We worked through it.
(22:13):
No, we didn't.
He acted like a jerk and Iignored that really big warning
sign.
So don't give everything awayat the beginning.
Oh, I need a woman who's veryaffectionate because she's going
to be maybe all affectionatewhen she's really not
affectionate.
And then the minute.
The deal is sealed.
Yeah, she's going to be likeyeah, I don't need that.
(22:34):
Get away from me, quit touchingme.
So you have to wait and see.
Josh Porthouse (22:40):
I've got.
I've got buddies like that, andI mean, even in my case I've
been in now in hindsight lookingback, abusive relationships,
not physical ones.
I don't particularly toleratethat too well, my patience is a
lot lower, I think, for thatkind of a thing.
But when it comes to verbalabuse or emotional abuse, after
(23:03):
a while, well, for example,especially in my case, I didn't
know what I had.
You know what I mean, my worth,what I was bringing to the
table.
I didn't have really muchconfidence because I took it all
for granted, like you said,well, I can, I can, you know
whatever hang pictures and fixsinks and handyman stuff and the
practical things, and I stoodon that as more of my identity.
(23:25):
And then so, when I couldcontinue to provide those things
, the environment didn't matter.
So I can still fix things, Ican still do things.
And so I started to justify myown position in the
relationships respective to therelationships from that
perspective.
But then I couldn't figure itout why, consistently, over a
few of them, I was gettingcomments like who's that I don't
(23:50):
know, I've never met her before.
Yeah, I have no idea, or youknow, uh, sometimes maybe it's
warranted.
Why are you spending so muchtime at work?
Other times it wasn't.
And then it turns into why areyou spending so much time at
work?
Because I'm at work, I don'tknow.
What do you want me to say, youknow.
And then after a while it getsinteresting, I think, because it
(24:12):
can turn into this I may aswell do it whatever.
Whatever it is, because I can'tget around not doing it and
having that be the truth anyway.
Dana Nygaard (24:23):
Exactly.
Josh Porthouse (24:24):
And I think it starts to cause its own sort of
what's the self-perpetuatingcatalyst.
Dana Nygaard (24:30):
Self-fulfilling prophecy yeah.
Josh Porthouse (24:32):
Self-fulfilling prophecy, yes, yep, and so then
it becomes its own problem atthat point, that otherwise
wasn't there.
Dana Nygaard (24:40):
It would have been an issue.
Well, in my first marriagebefore my sweet David, I
realized towards the end of it,when you know there's usually a
defining moment when a marriageis done, there's something that
breaks inside one of the peopleNormally it's not you and I
agree that we're just not a goodfit.
That's not how you and I agreethat we're just not a good fit.
That's not how most marriagesend.
(25:01):
And I remember thinking tomyself one day it occurred to me
I thought huh, he's angry nomatter what I do, and I'm sick
of shaking.
The minute I would hear himpull in, I would start to shake
because I knew there was goingto be a deluge of why did you do
(25:21):
this?
Okay, the next time I wouldn'tdo it.
Why didn't you do that?
And I realized I couldn't win.
And so I thought I may as wellstart doing what I want, because
he's going to be angry, nomatter what.
And I'll tell you on the lastweekend that we were officially
together, but he didn't know itwas going to be the last weekend
.
I had fun with him.
(25:42):
I'm a nice Catholic girl.
I've been to confession sincethen but I had a lot of fun just
doing the things that wouldannoy him.
Because I thought why are youtelling me how to drive?
I'm a competent driver, I don'thave a bad driving history.
Why are you telling me, likeyou want to get in the left lane
now?
Only tell me that fordirections, but don't tell me,
(26:05):
get around this car.
Don't micromanage me.
Yes, tell me directions.
So I'm not good at that and itwas fun turning it around on him
and of course it made himfurious.
But at that point I didn'tshake anymore.
I thought I'm not going to beafraid of you anymore.
I grew up with men who were myfather and brother, who were
(26:25):
tougher than you on your bestday.
So why have I been scared ofyou?
I'm no longer afraid of you.
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Dana Nygaard (27:24):
I grew up with men who were my father and brother,
who were tougher than you onyour best day, so why have I
been scared of you?
I'm no longer afraid of you.
Josh Porthouse (27:34):
So that's something I wanted to ask you
about, right, like you talkedearlier about a little bit of
what did you call confirmationbias and and how that this sort
of tends to mask thesesituations and I think very
directly contributes to a degreeof imposter syndrome at present
or in the future as well,because then you don't know who
to trust, even if it's youtelling you yeah, but developing
(27:56):
that degree of awareness, evenexcluded from this type of an
environment, is difficult.
So how do you develop that kindof awareness when you're in that
kind of environment?
Dana Nygaard (28:09):
I think it's when to ask yourself, and if you're a
faith-filled person.
As a Christian, I would ask Godto reveal to me like Lord,
things don't feel right, or Lord, every day I don't have a sense
of basic peace.
Even if, you know, the hotwater heater overflows or breaks
(28:29):
or something.
Okay, that's going to bedistressing, but why is my
default not to go back to peaceand trust that everything's
going to be okay If I do thethings I need to be doing
adulting, you know all those,all those things taking care of
myself, going to the doctor, allthose things and so when
there's not peace, that's a bigproblem.
(28:50):
And then, when there is a lackof congruency, so when the
person is talking the talk andthey're not walking the walk.
You know, I'm the best husbandand I treat this woman
fabulously and she's lucky to bemarried to me.
And I'm thinking okay, ifpeople knew what life was like
(29:13):
at home?
So people came up to us inpublic, he would immediately,
like we were about to go meetpeople that we knew and he had
just called me a vulgar,horrible name, said something
contemptuous to me.
He would put an arm around meand squeeze, letting me know
well, don't you let the cat outof the bag, and because I grew
up in a home where I wasliterally told get that look off
(29:36):
your face.
So if something upsettinghappened and I'm a little girl
and I'm like I couldn't havethat.
And I don't mean I walked aroundpouting all the time, because I
wouldn't put up with that formy own child either.
But in the moment there'd besomething very upsetting, but I
wasn't allowed to feel myfeelings.
And then also I got I'm 5'8"okay, I'm tall, taller than the
(30:01):
average woman, and I was down to117 pounds.
I weighed 114 when I modeled inhigh school as a freshman and I
was down to 117.
It wasn't because I waswatching my figure, it was
because I felt so upset.
I was constantly in fight orflight and you know, I'm sure
(30:22):
from your military background,when there is what you think is
a danger ahead could be a realdanger, could be a perceived
danger.
Your body shuts down eating,you don't have time for a snack,
there's someone coming afteryou, so your body goes up.
We're going to shut that down.
That's why after trauma, mostpeople are like I'm ravenous, I
could eat a horse.
Yeah, because your body shutdown and that adrenaline
(30:45):
coursing through your body.
I cried a lot, and I don't meanover a sad movie, I just would
cry and I would think why am Icrying?
And it's fascinating I don'thave the research in front of me
, I have it buried in mycomputer.
But the tears from grief andsadness, the chemical makeup is
different than tears from I justhit my shin really hard.
Josh Porthouse (31:09):
They're different.
Google it.
Dana Nygaard (31:11):
You'll be.
It's just, it's amazing.
So, even though I didn't go andhave my tears tested, I was
grieving that.
How have I lived this manyyears, been, I think, a really
good wife and mom and I'mtreated this way, and it didn't
match up.
So, when my life no longer hadcongruency and my identity as a
(31:34):
beloved child of God, a princessof the Most High God, when that
wasn't being reflected back tome and my husband, something was
off and the other thing I did.
My final point on that will be Iwent to a therapist and said I
just want to tell you about asituation and explained it to
(31:55):
her.
I don't think I'm crazy.
And she said I love her wordsand I use them to this day with
my own clients, way before Ibecame a therapist.
She said people with his typeof personality that's a
euphemism for a jerk and oftenit means a person could have
(32:16):
narcissism, antisocialpersonality disorder, histrionic
something, some kind of youknow, a borderline or something
where they're not behaving well.
And she said here's what'sgoing to happen You're going to
go home and you're going to laydown the boundary about the
thing he told you you had to doand you couldn't do.
Okay, and I wrote it down andshe goes and here's what he's
(32:37):
going to say and I wrote it downand she goes and here's what
he's going to say and I wrote itdown and I went home and I set
the boundary about the thing hewas telling me I had to do.
And the thing he said Icouldn't do was all involved in
one situation and we're off theair.
Later I can tell you the storyif you want to hear it.
And it was as if she waspsychic.
(32:58):
I don't believe in that, that'snot a thing I don't think.
And she predicted he did whatshe said he would do.
He said what she said.
So after that happened and Igot through the situation and
again did what I needed to dofor our son, I went back to her
and I said, okay, I'm not readyfor ongoing therapy at this
point.
How did you know that?
Because I don't believe inpsychics.
(33:20):
If you have any informationyou're not supposed to have, I
think that's demonic.
So how did you know that?
And she said it's because ofhis personality type.
Anyone, any story that fit kindof like yours in a puzzle,
that's what they do, and sothat's part of what comes to my
practice.
A lot are these type ofsituations, which is why I felt
(33:42):
so led because of the marriedcouples Again, not all of them.
Some of them are absolutelydelightful and loving and then
the women that came to me withthese abuse stories.
It just was put on my heart.
I can only see so many peoplein my office and only in Texas.
So many people in my office andonly in Texas.
We have to help more women,because that's where God has
called me more women to avoidthis unnecessary suffering and
(34:05):
then go through a divorce,because I don't want anyone
going through what I wentthrough.
I want them to have what I havewith my David now.
Josh Porthouse (34:11):
Yeah, well, and that kind of a well, actually
that kind of a patternrecognition is important too,
and I think that's just a sortof natural bias.
You know, we try to at least inmy experience.
We try to find ways to controlthe chaos and put boundaries and
constraints and figure out away to make it make sense.
Yeah, and even if it justdoesn't, I think conflict and
(34:33):
chaos are equally as natural inthe world and it's okay to just
it just doesn't click, it justdoesn't make sense.
Yes, and then to try to reframethat kind of uh, what did you?
Why did you frame it earlier?
Oh, that's right.
When you and david were dating,you said after some time I
(34:55):
started to know his characteryes I think that kind of more
positive and proactive patternrecognition or maybe it's some
sort of sociocultural bias, Idon't know but that kind of
capability, when you get to knowsomebody to that degree that
you can stand on it, that youcan trust it, I think that's the
(35:15):
goal of any relationship.
Maybe it ends in marriage,maybe it ends in friendship,
maybe it ends in professionalworkplace, I don't know harmony
or whatever you want to call it,but I think that's the goal in
any relationship where you getto know somebody after the
facade falls.
Dana Nygaard (35:30):
Yes, the mask.
Josh Porthouse (35:32):
Yeah, exactly, actually it was in that movie, I
think the Mask with Jim Carrey.
It was in a Ben Stein.
It's all about the masks wewear.
You know, that's exactly whathe was talking about in the
movie.
Dana Nygaard (35:42):
We present ourselves a certain way.
Josh Porthouse (35:44):
That's it Right.
Dana Nygaard (35:46):
But then we're real people.
So it's funny like when peoplethink I'm a therapist 24, seven,
I'm just a wounded child in theadult body of a woman who's
been through a lot of stuff.
I do have my educationalbackground.
I think I do have someGod-given wisdom.
I'm just a person.
So like I don't join women'sgroups where it's a support
(36:10):
group because it's just weird.
Everyone else gets to be sad,upset, overwhelmed.
Not the therapist, because theyexpect you to be a certain way.
So there's still that mask to acertain degree, but not the
mask of dishonesty.
It's simply that you have to bethis close in my world and you
(36:33):
have to have earned your wayhere, because what I hear women
say a lot, and maybe men say ittoo, but I hear the women say,
well, he has, let's say,integrity, okay, great.
And I smile and I'm thinking,oh, I know what's about to
happen here.
Again, not psychic, it's just apattern.
I'll say what examples do youhave Nine out of 10 times they
(36:57):
go, they can't answer, orthey'll say a woman say this one
a lot, um, I'm a daddy's girl,or I was a daddy's girl maybe
their father has passed on, okay, well, I've.
You know, you've been my clientfor six months and you, you
said you brought up your daddy'sgirl numerous times.
So I would love to hear a storyabout you being a daddy's girl.
Well, and then at the beach.
(37:20):
No, that's not, it's a fantasy,it's delusion that they want to
be the girl who was a daddy'sgirl, but they don't have those
stories.
And then I do know people thatman, they can go on forever with
all the daddy girl stories.
And my father, god rest his soulhe passed not that long ago,
(37:41):
very unexpectedly, and one of mycousins said you were always a
daddy's girl.
And I was like, cuz what?
I didn't have a father, thatI'm the only girl.
That.
What are you basing that off of?
He had nothing to say, becauseI would love for him to have
said remember the time I sawyour dad and I'd be like, oh,
(38:05):
how beautiful.
I forgot that or I didn't know.
He did that.
No, and so part of this is wehave to live in reality.
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more because I would love forhim to have said remember the
time I saw your dad and I'd belike, oh, how beautiful.
I forgot that or I didn't knowhe did that.
No, and so part of this is wehave to live in reality.
Josh Porthouse (39:33):
Well, and I think that takes honest feedback
.
If it's not your own assessment, it has to be somebody else's
that you trust.
Right?
There's only one.
Well, I guess there's only twoways to see any situation you
know individually, and then asecond party yes but it can be.
It can be constructive too, andit was like you said earlier
when you brought up, you know,prior to technology or or this
(39:54):
sort of digital revolution we'vegot happening in the world
today, where you said evil canbe everywhere, just not
everywhere at once, yeah, andnow obviously it's moving at the
speed of light, yes.
So to be able to sort of putthat into a perspective, I think
that's interesting too.
The amount of human nature thattakes place in any isolated
(40:16):
village and I mean thisfirsthand, from the places that
I've been to at least doesn'tchange.
That I've been to at leastdoesn't change.
People are still people, evenif they've never had contact
with you know, pick a morepopular platform or whatever, it
doesn't matter.
Social media, let's say, butthere's still lies, there's
still deceit, there's stillinsecurity, there's still some
(40:37):
degree of dishonesty or distrustor manipulation or whatever.
Right, right, and so I don'tknow that necessarily it's
spreading so fast.
I think now it's just easier tobe aware of the potential that
it's everywhere and then seeingit right.
So that's possible yeah, I, Ithink it is.
(40:57):
Uh, I think it is possible.
So this is, I think, a goodpoint in the conversation for a
segment of the show calledDeveloping Character
D-D-D-Developing Character.
And so this is two questions,and my reason for this is pretty
simple.
People are going to act acertain way, I think, based off
of one of two stimuli in anyparticular relationship One is
(41:18):
nature and one is nurture, andit just is because not
everybody's witting to how theycome across to other people, and
so my working theory is thatit's rooted in some sort of
value system, even if it'sinaccurately applied to a
situation.
So I'm curious in all of yourassessments so far some of yours
(41:40):
, and so these are my twoquestions as you were growing up
, what were some of the valuesthat you remember being taught
or that you were exposed to?
And then my second question isnow that you're older, having
gained all this experience, whatare some of your values now?
Dana Nygaard (41:54):
I like those questions very, very much.
So as a child.
What I think is interesting isI was taught to stand up for
myself, but there was a caveat,and the caveat was outside of
the home, not in the home.
In the home, you have no power.
(42:17):
I don't care that you're 12, 18, 20, 40.
You only can stand up to peopleoutside of here and you better
stand up to them.
So I was taught growing up ifsomeone starts a fight you may
finish it, but you may neverstart the fight.
You can't throw the first punch.
And I wasn't told like and youbetter win that fight, like they
(42:40):
better be in the hot.
No, I wasn't told that, but itwas this idea.
Like my mother taught me I usedto babysit.
I remember I think I got like Iwas up to like $2 and 25 cents
an hour.
I was like a big timebabysitter in my little
neighborhood, that's verypopular with the parents.
Right, and so my mother wouldhelp me calculate.
Okay, if you know, they pickyou up at six and they bring you
home at 10.
(43:00):
Like this is how much money?
Because I was not the queen ofmath, as I said earlier, and so
I would already know, like, okay, I should get $10 or $12.
And the Sinai's parents wouldgive me a tip and I wouldn't be
confused Like why am I getting$15?
And this one family, the mother, didn't pay me correctly and my
mother said you're going tocall her and here's what you say
(43:21):
.
And I was like, oh, oh, no, mom, no, no, mom, it doesn't matter
, I don't need the money.
Josh Porthouse (43:26):
No, ma'am, I'll rock the boat.
Dana Nygaard (43:28):
Yeah, you're going to stand up.
Hi, mrs Smith, you know I didmy little thing and it was
obvious the way she spoke to me.
She did it on purpose, itwasn't a miscalculation.
And my mother said you need totell her she's to bring that
money to you now and blah, blah,blah.
And I did it.
The interesting part that was Iwasn't allowed to do that in my
own home.
(43:49):
So when a just normal boundaryof just any child in a family
was violated, it wasn'trespected.
I was not allowed to sayanything and I would get in
trouble and yelled at.
So that was odd.
I was given my Catholic faith.
My parents are converts.
I'm very grateful for myCatholic faith.
(44:09):
That is the essence of my lifeand my marriage.
However, most converts arezealots about their faith.
They're just so on firewhichever direction someone goes
if they go to a different faith.
So even though it was somethingI was supposed to live up to,
it wasn't discussed.
It was like let the otherpeople teach you the Sunday
(44:36):
school teacher, the priest, letother people teach you, but
we're really not going todiscuss it.
So my home was a lot of youtalk the talk, but you don't
walk the walk, which is why Ithen, of course, was attracted
to men at that point who thatfelt familiar, because it felt
comfortable to me Not a goodcomfortable, but in the back of
my brain thinking yeah, safer, Ican do this all day long.
(44:56):
I know how to do it.
My values today, oh my goodness.
Self-confidence and I don'tmean in this narcissistic, oh my
gosh, look at me, way In a.
I have inherent dignity becauseI'm a child of God, and then I
need to treat other people thatway, and so one of the values I
(45:17):
live by is treating other peopleas human beings and treating
objects as objects, not treatinga person as an object.
Josh Porthouse (45:29):
Oh, that's interesting.
Dana Nygaard (45:30):
Pope John Paul II, the great yeah.
Josh Porthouse (45:33):
There's sort of an interesting I don't know
subcontext.
I think to that point though,in medicine you have to deal
with this kind of dissonance orintentional distancing all the
time.
Healthcare, let's say, maybemore than medicine, but
healthcare.
Just like you do in the defenseindustry.
To take a 17 or an 18-year-old,let's say, on average in the
(45:55):
enlisted ranks in the USDepartment of Defense and say
you're going to go into anactive kinetic warfighting
environment and you may have toshoot somebody, takes some
conditioning yeah and somedegree of desensitizing and
dehumanizing and to a certainextent it's a necessary evil of
(46:18):
the industry yes, yes.
The difficulty comes in whenthey say uh, four years later,
eight years, 20 years later,whatever I'm done, for whatever
reason done, I'm going to go bea banker, a teacher, a cop, a
firefighter or whatever itbecomes.
I'm going to grow mushrooms ordo whatever.
Okay, great, and never didanybody explain what you just
(46:43):
said.
Dana Nygaard (46:45):
Really.
Josh Porthouse (46:47):
No, there is no backwards sort of you know the
human intelligence or the humancapital or the personal
development or the socialreintegration type aspect of
that on the back end of of a ofa service contract.
And so to compensate for thator supplement for that at least
(47:07):
in the United States especially,we have licensed mental health
counselors and social workersand psychiatrists and all these
teams of people to help withthat while somebody is actively
serving or, you know, for theirfamilies, whatever applies.
But no, otherwise thatconversation doesn't happen.
Yeah, and so if theconversation doesn't happen and
(47:28):
if you don't volunteer for thehelp or if you shy away from it
or avoid it when it is available, well then what do you have to
stand on?
And how many millions of peoplethen reintegrate into society
with that particular mindsetthat's going to cause problems.
So I I think conversations likethis and points that you're
making, careers that you likeyours, that you got into, I
(47:49):
think they make all thedifference, just because they
exist, whether or not you're,you know, restricted to texas,
it doesn't mean like this on theairwaves or on podcasts you are
, and it makes like this on theairwaves or on podcasts you are,
and it makes all the difference, just just to hear you say it.
Um, so I don't think yourupbringing is is necessarily
(48:11):
unique in that regard.
Unfortunately, it's fairlycommon.
Dana Nygaard (48:14):
It is.
You're right, and I'm thinkingthat some of what you were
saying could speak to at leastan aspect of the high suicide
rate of people right In activemilitary, when they're not
active, and it's heartbreaking.
And so in counseling there'ssomething known as non-directive
(48:36):
therapy and that's this morelaid back, don't really get
overly engaged.
You let the person talk andthen you do the occasional.
So how does that make you feel,josh, which sometimes I do want
to know how my client feels,because all they're talking
about are their thoughts.
They're saying the word feel,but they're actually not using
(48:58):
feeling words.
Josh Porthouse (48:59):
So go well, I feel that the reason why okay,
that's not a feeling, that's athought- Well, we're detached
and then conditioned to bedetached, yes, and so then the
ability to effectivelycommunicate from a position of
attachment doesn't exist.
Dana Nygaard (49:15):
No, no, it totally fails, and so what I tell
people when they call me, causepeople will message me or text
me, email me.
Hey, dana, I found you online,someone referred me to you,
whatever.
And what are your rates andwhat are your?
No, I don't ever, ever say well, the Blue Crossers, I don't do
any of that.
I say when's a good time tochat about your counseling needs
(49:38):
?
Or people say none of thatmatters, just add me to your
calendar.
No, because I need to tell themup front.
I'm a directive therapist.
(49:58):
I know 99% of them are all likeoh, carl Rogers, and
non-directive.
It never sat right with me.
For me, if you want that kindof therapist, they're out there,
they're very easy to find andthey probably charge a lot less
money and they're probably onevery insurance panel.
That's not me, because God putme on this earth all those years
that I was silenced and shutdown For the last 20 years of my
life I haven't been that way.
(50:20):
So when the Holy Spirit gives mea word of knowledge or
something, I put it out there, Itest it.
I don't act like I'm themouthpiece of Jesus.
I say does it resonate?
And even when they go,sometimes, no, I really don't
think that fits.
And I know inside, I can tellin my body I'm thinking no, I
(50:41):
feel it in my bones and I'll go.
Okay, they will, within a dayor two, text me, email me, dana.
Oh my gosh, when you said blah,blah, blah, it hit me.
Why did I not connect the twothings?
That's, you're the third personto say that to me.
So when it's a non-directivetherapist, they just don't.
They would never say anythinglike that.
(51:02):
And I put it out there becausethat's just how God made me.
So all the years I wasconstrained.
It went against who God made meto be.
And I'm not everyone's cup oftea, and that's okay, because
I'm enough of a cup of tea forother people that it's great.
I have a full practice.
Josh Porthouse (51:20):
Well, congratulations again.
Dana Nygaard (51:22):
Thank you.
Josh Porthouse (51:23):
That's huge.
Saying that, I guess actuallyfor the sake of time, I really
only have two more questions foryou.
But saying all those things, Imean you've talked to loads of
people.
Like I said, all I can speak tois at least 3,000 hours worth
of people.
So through all that time yourown experience, other clients,
all the above what has itactually done to instigate your
(51:46):
own sense of self and your ownself-worth?
Now, having gone through all ofthat and come out on the other
side?
Dana Nygaard (51:52):
I thank God for the suffering.
I thank him for the trauma, forthe abuse, for the neglect, for
the heartache and pain.
I thank him for the cancer,what came from it?
Not the actual cancer, becauseit was pretty miserable, but
I've had lots of operations andtreatments, I assure you, but
I'm cancer-free, thank you, Lord.
(52:13):
But that suffering doesn't haveto be wasted and that I am his
beloved child.
Even though I did suffer, I'mnot.
I don't think poorly aboutmyself because of what all I've
been through.
I think he loves me so muchthat he's allowing me to
experience some of the sufferingthat Christ went through,
(52:35):
because if we're going to forthose who are Christians, we're
not just supposed to be.
Okay, I turn over tablesbecause of the money changers,
or Jesus was really cool aboutthese things.
No, I live a life where I haveenough self-esteem that if I
bring okay, I don't want to bedisrespectful.
If I bring, like the, let's say, theology of Dana, okay, let's
(52:59):
make that silly thing up andsomeone doesn't grab onto it,
that's okay.
I dust off my feet and I walkaway and I leave them, that's
okay.
They're not meant to be in mylife, and so that's the biggest
thing is I only have people inmy life that treat me well, and
if they mess up or if I mess up,we forgive each other, we hug
(53:22):
it out and we do better.
I no longer accept people in mylife when people are like well,
that's your family.
Should my family treat mebetter than that?
Why should that girlfriend I'vehad for 20 years that is just
like a sister me, why does shetreat me better?
But the people that share myDNA don't?
So there are some familymembers that I'm very close to
(53:43):
and there are some that I'mgoing to love them from very,
very far away.
Josh Porthouse (53:49):
Yeah, yeah, yeah .
There's a lot of growthopportunities.
I think they come up as aresult of that.
Yes, speaking of, there's alsoa lot of growth opportunities to
bring people closer, and so youmentioned your book earlier.
For people that want to get intouch, either as clients or
readers, or follow you on othershows whatever applies other
(54:13):
podcasts when do people go?
How do they do it?
Dana Nygaard (54:17):
Thank you for that .
So if you go to my website,dananygardcom just like it's on
the screen there you can accessmy book, and it's one book in
four different editions.
So it's 365 dates to renew yourChristian marriage.
The purple are Catholic, thered are Protestant and the
Protestant one is for Protestantbrothers and sisters, and it's
(54:40):
for it really comes in handywhen there's a mixed faith
marriage and maybe one spouse isanti-Catholic and like hey,
you're not bringing thatCatholic stuff in here, it just
it just tones down theCatholicity, if that's the word
of it.
But it's over a thousand 1,095date night questions, set up in
a format of three questions perday, and so there's the warm up.
(55:02):
Then you get a little bitdeeper.
Now you're back home, you're onyour patio having a glass of
wine and it builds from thebeginning until the end of it
and it's to deepen thatemotional intimacy.
So there's that, and I dospeaking engagements, keynotes.
We travel around the country.
I would love to go to Europe.
So you know, let's, let's makethings happen in other countries
(55:23):
.
And then my husband and I wehave marriage retreats, marriage
enrichment retreats that welead, and so we have that.
And then my current project,which is, oh my gosh, it has my
heart so deep isclaritypleasecom is the website
where you go to, but it givesyou access to my free online
community.
(55:44):
It's just for women, miss toMrs, and it's all about what are
red flags and what should youknow about them and what did
they mean?
Because they all mean something, because every human being does
what they do, because they getsome sort of a payoff, and so
(56:08):
you have to know if a manbecause, again, I work with
women if a man does X and such,this is what it actually
translates into it means hedisrespects you or it means he's
setting you up to see how muchhe can use you, sort of thing.
So that's my current petproject that is so exciting to
see women getting healing sothat when they do go back out in
the dating world, they choosebetter or to help them.
(56:31):
Vet, is he my Mr right or is hemy Mr wrong if they're dating
someone currently?
Josh Porthouse (56:37):
Yeah, having standards is important.
I think it's also equally asimportant to clarify the amount
of humility and discernment thatcomes with exercises and
retreats like what you'redescribing, because it's through
some discernment and someanalysis.
No, no, it's not, and that'sokay too.
That's right.
Yeah, that's, that's huge.
(57:12):
So for anybody who's new to ourshow, depending on the player
you're streaming thisconversation on or obviously
here on YouTube click see more,click show more.
And in the drop downdescription for the conversation
, the show notes, you'll seelinks to dananigardcom and
claritypleasecom and thenobviously, your other links
there on your website for socialor to check out your books as
(57:33):
well.
I think this was a really coolconversation.
In fact, the only real letdownI have is it was very fast and
now time's up.
Dana Nygaard (57:41):
You're awesome.
Thank you, You're such a greathost and this was such fun just
going back and forth and I lovethe topic and I love your
insight and I have such respectfor anyone who's ever been in
the military.
So if this is not too trite tosay thank you to you and for all
the others who have served inour military and Veterans Day is
very, very special to me as an.
(58:01):
American, it's my birthday.
Veterans Day.
Yeah, thank you.
It's just.
It's such a special place in myheart, so thank you for all
that you do in this podcast.
Josh Porthouse (58:13):
Sure, sure, well .
And that said, you know, havingpeople like you come on and
share your perspective with acertain degree of vulnerability
and authenticity, I think is alot in any particular
circumstance and setting.
But then to couple that, ormaybe compound that, with we're
going to broadcast it to theworld, is that cool.
If I put your face on it, youknow it changes things a little
bit.
So also, yeah, having thecourage to just talk about it,
(58:36):
even though it may not benecessarily a big deal to you or
anybody else that comes in ontothe show in the future, it may
be to other people, and havingthat experience listening to you
or anybody else that comes inonto the show in the future, it
may be to other people, andhaving that experience listening
to you, watching you talk aboutsome of these things can be an
inspiration in its own right.
So, yeah, absolutely.
I'm just happy to have been aplatform and part of it.
Dana Nygaard (58:55):
Well, thank you.
I think it's important fortherapists not always in session
but to be vulnerable, becausepeople tend to put us on a
pedestal oh, your life is soperfect.
I'm just a person.
I'm just a person who's beenthrough things and I have some
wisdom and knowledge to share.
Josh Porthouse (59:11):
And that's an important caveat, I guess, for
the sake of just making it morepublicly proclaimed that there
doesn't have to be thisall-encompassing attribution of
everything we talked about toevery relationship, just as much
as it doesn't necessarily applyto every service member or
every first responder or everyeverybody, but there are
circumstances where it couldapply to anybody and I think
(59:34):
that's why it's got someresonance.
Yeah, absolutely.
But again, yeah, thank you foryour time and I appreciate the
opportunity.
And to everybody else who'slistened to the conversation or
watched it in this case, thankyou guys for coming back.
Or, if you're new to the show,thank you for coming out and
listening to the conversation aswell.
I'll leave you with this beforewe close out.
If you like this conversationand you want to hear more of our
(59:57):
conversations, go to ourwebsite
TransactingValuePodcastcom.
You can find everything there,all of our seasons, the more
recent ones and the really earlyones that probably should be
archived, but that's okay,they're up there as well.
That's how we learn and grow.
Now, saying that, on the topright-hand corner of the
homepage it says leave avoicemail, click the button.
It's two minutes of talk timeall to you, and here's some
(01:00:20):
recommendations about what youcan do with it.
One let us know what you thinkof the show.
Tell us what you think about myquestions, my style, the guests
, the topics, the structure, theflow of the show anything I
don't mind.
Let me know what you think.
Feedback is how we evolve theshow and helps it to grow.
And then obviously, you cantell your friends about it as
well.
But the second thing that workswell with that leave a
voicemail button is you can tellDana what you think about this
(01:00:42):
conversation.
Let her know what you thinkabout the topics.
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Keep in mind we do not have theneed to have a HIPAA compliant
voicemail fact or a piece tothis show, okay.
So whatever you decide to putin there to relay to Dana, if
that's something you want, keepthat in mind and we'll get you
(01:01:04):
guys in touch and you can talkabout that elsewhere.
But let her know what you thinkabout the show.
Let her know what you thinkabout her book.
Leave her a review if you want,and we'll forward her the audio
file as well.
That said, I do appreciate yourtime.
Anybody who sponsored andadvertised and worked with our
show obviously, my team.
Thanks, guys for putting thistogether, but until next time
(01:01:28):
that was Transacting Value.
Thank you to our show partnersand folks.
Thank you for tuning in andappreciating our value as we all
grow through life together.
To check out our otherconversations or even to
contribute through feedbackfollows time, money or talent
and to let us know what youthink of the show, please leave
a review on our website,transactingvaluepodcastcom.
We also stream new episodesevery Monday at 9 am Eastern
(01:01:49):
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You can now hear TransactingValue on Wreaths Across America
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Head to wreathsacrossamericaorg.
Slash transactingvalue tosponsor a reef and remember,
honor and teach the value offreedom for future generations.
On behalf of our team and ourglobal ambassadors, as you all
(01:02:11):
strive to establish clarity andpurpose, ensure social
tranquility and secure theblessings of liberty or
individual sovereignty ofcharacter for yourselves and
your posterity, we will continueinstigating self-worth and
we'll meet you there.
Until next time.
That was Transacting Value.
The views expressed in this podcast are
solely those of the podcast hostand guest and do not
necessarily represent those ofour distribution partners,
supporting businessrelationships or supported
audience.
Welcome to Transacting Value,where we talk about practical
(00:22):
applications for instigatingself-worth when dealing with
each other and even withinourselves, where we foster a
podcast listening experiencethat lets you hear the power of
a value system for managingburnout, establishing boundaries
, fostering community andfinding identity.
My name is Josh Porthouse, I'myour host and we are redefining
sovereignty of character.
(00:42):
This is why values still holdvalue.
This is Transacting Value.
Dana Nygaard (00:49):
Part of this is not settling and the person's
going to be human and to be ahealthy human being, you have to
know you have weaknesses andyou're going to make mistakes.
So it's not asking someone tobe perfect, but they need to be
the perfect person for you.
Josh Porthouse (01:08):
Today on Transacting Value.
How do you describe, how do youidentify who you are and who
you become and your worth,especially when the place you
come from involves abusedomestically, verbally, maybe
even physically or in any otherrelationship?
Today's guest we're talkingwith licensed professional
(01:28):
counselor and relationship coach, dana Nygaard.
All about where women can getfree help and go from miss to
missus.
Here today on the show, I'mJosh Porthouse, I'm your host
and from SDYT Media.
This is Transacting Value, dana.
How are you doing?
Dana Nygaard (01:48):
Great.
How are you today?
Josh Porthouse (01:49):
I'm doing well, thank you.
I appreciate you making timeout of your schedule, by the way
, to come talk.
I know you've got clients and alife and everything else, so
thank you first off.
Dana Nygaard (01:57):
Thank you.
I want to thank you for havingthis platform.
Josh Porthouse (02:01):
Yeah Well, I appreciate you saying that too.
It's, and it's interesting, youknow, talking to people I think
we're creeping pretty closelyto around 200 or so on the show.
Incredible, all aboutself-worth and value systems.
And one thing I hadn't reallyconsidered to this point, I
guess, cause most of myperspective is rooted in
occupational changes to, youknow, roles and identity and
(02:24):
worth and values I hadn't reallyever considered in the context
of a relationship, or even anabusive one, but as a
consideration, marriage, whichis your whole focus, right?
Dana Nygaard (02:36):
Yes, because that's the desired role that
these women feel that God hasplaced upon their heart.
And they're looking around,thinking either where are the
men?
No one's asked me out.
Or they're thinking why do Ikeep attracting these unhealthy
men or nice men, but they'rejust not the right guy for me
and they're lonely.
(02:56):
And then time is ticking andthey want to have babies most of
them and they're starting tofreak out about that and they
want to find true, deep, abidinglove.
Josh Porthouse (03:07):
Yeah, and now I also for the record.
I understand your primaryclientele is all female or
mostly women, All.
Dana Nygaard (03:15):
For relationship coaching all female.
For my private practice, whichis only in Texas, it's
individuals.
It can be male or females andcouples also.
Josh Porthouse (03:24):
Okay, all right, cool.
So then, I think what might beinteresting in this conversation
too, is I'm going to pick yourbrain a little bit from a male
perspective, as it applies tosome of these marriage
considerations as well.
But for right now, since we'rejust getting started out, for
anybody who's tuning into theconversation or watching it here
and doesn't know you what we'retalking about or what you talk
about, let's just take a coupleminutes.
Who are you, where are you from, and what sort of things are
(03:48):
shaping your perspective on lifeas these matters are applied?
Dana Nygaard (03:52):
Well, I'm a fifth generation Texan and I taught
school.
I'm very proud of that.
My son is a sixth generationand the seventh generation I
hope and pray are also born inthe States.
We can continue that legacy.
I taught high school, secondaryeducation for 16 years before
transitioning into going back tograd school, while working
(04:14):
full-time, while dealing withbreast cancer and that was my
second time to have cancer.
So, thank you Lord, I'm stillhere today yeah, it's pretty
incredible and becoming alicensed professional counselor,
and I'm a mom of one.
So we have a son who is 30 andI have the most delightful
husband, david.
Anyone who knows my husbandthey actually sigh and tilt
(04:36):
their head At least the women do.
They go David, because he'sjust so precious and delightful
and makes me laugh, and he isthe salve to the wounds of my
past, of my childhood, of beingmarried before.
Josh Porthouse (04:52):
Wow, what a compliment that is.
He's amazing.
Thank you Lord.
Dana Nygaard (04:57):
I'm so grateful for him and he's grateful for me
and I appreciate that.
I'm always thinking like, whatwould I do without this
wonderful man?
That is, I think, a gift fromGod.
He has a servant's heart.
He really does.
It takes a lot to rile him andI'm the spicy, feisty one and
he's that, you know, calm, youknow poured in the storm.
(05:19):
He's just amazing.
Josh Porthouse (05:22):
Wow, well, dave, congratulations, yeah, yeah,
now okay.
So all of these things, Iassume came from somewhere.
You didn't just stop teachinghigh school and you're like I'm
tired of the high schoolpregnancies and mismanaged
relationships, let me make it acareer.
So what led to all of this?
Dana Nygaard (05:45):
Well, I kept having parents come to me
because I was a psychologyteacher.
I taught a little US history.
I began my teaching careerteaching English as a second
language.
But the whole reason why I wentinto teaching and how I ended
my teaching career was highschool psychology.
So I taught regular level,advanced placement and then the
two levels of internationalbaccalaureate.
And so by the time these kidsgraduated at least the IB
(06:08):
students they were almost littlemini therapists themselves.
And their parents would come tome and say this is what my
daughter is doing, she's in herhead about, like you know, she's
a swimmer.
She's in her head suddenlyshe's losing races, what do I do
?
And I would look at them like Idon't know, I'm just a
psychology teacher.
And they wouldn't leave.
(06:28):
And so I'd open up the book andI'd say this is what the book
says about sports psychology.
Here's an idea.
And the parents, theyapparently they all talked,
because they all started comingto me and they said it worked.
And I thought, ok, I can nowapply this to a deeper level.
Now I am very proud that I havemany former students.
(06:48):
They're all grown and out ofschool now because I'm getting
old and I have a lot ofpsychologists and psychiatrists
that came from my program.
So it was very exciting and Ijust came home to my husband and
said I want to go to gradschool and we were newlyweds at
the time and he said what do Ineed to do to make this happen?
And our son was in a high schoolbut we had to drive about 30
(07:11):
minutes away.
It was a private Catholicschool and so my husband, just
he dove in deep and just thebest stepfather ever and he took
our son back and forth andcooked meals and sat there with
me when I cried over how am Igoing to get this paper written
in this little amount of time?
Post-grade, all my students'essays and you know it was a lot
, but it's one of the bestdecisions, besides having my son
(07:35):
and marrying my husband, thatI've ever made in my life is to
go through the grind of becomingan LPC, because it's roughly
five years from beginning to end.
Once you get your, you gothrough the national testing you
have to pass, you have to get3000 postgraduate hours before
you are fully licensed.
So it's five years of a reallytough grind with no money coming
(07:58):
in and money just going out.
And my husband said I'm all, I'mall in for it, but it's still
one of the best things I've everdone.
Josh Porthouse (08:07):
Well, he does sound delightful.
Dana Nygaard (08:09):
It's amazing.
Josh Porthouse (08:10):
That's crazy and so okay, talking through well,
3000 hours plus of of therapywith clients I assume couples
and individuals.
Dana Nygaard (08:23):
It depends on how you, how you want to go about it
.
As long as you have 1,500face-to-face with people and the
other 1,500 can be moretrainings, your paperwork, your
books you're reading, but even1,500 hours, it takes roughly 18
months for most people.
Josh Porthouse (08:41):
Okay, yeah, so that is a sizable amount of time
, and you decided to focus allof it on abuse victims.
Dana Nygaard (08:50):
No, it's interesting Once I got through
my training and did work withabuse victims because I worked
at the amazing, magnificentChildren's Advocacy Center of
Collin County.
It's one of the premieradvocacy centers in the US.
So everyone like the things youheard on TV.
Be like what happened to thislittle four-year-old, what
happened to this family of aneight nine-year-old?
(09:11):
What did a coach do?
Those are the kids we got.
Then we also worked with theirparents, because now you're the
parent of a kid who maybe wasabused by someone in your family
.
Why didn't you notice thecreepy neighbor was there.
Maybe it's not your fault, butthen how do they deal with that?
And a lot of the parents alsocame from a history of being
(09:32):
abused in different ways, and soI did start off my career that
way.
But in my private practice itwas interesting when couples
come to me.
A lot of couples come becausethey just want they love each
other and they just want toimprove their connection.
They want to deepen thatemotional intimacy.
I actually wrote a book on thatvery topic with over a thousand
questions to deepen thatconnection.
(09:54):
However, that was this manypeople, most of them that came
one of the spouses in mypersonal experience I don't mean
this is statistically what itis, but in my practice, where
the husband is a narcissist andthen the single women come to me
and say, hey, I'm dating, youknow, john Doe, and here's what
(10:14):
John said today I'd be like, oh,that's a lovely, that sounds
nice check.
And then they say, but then hedid this.
And I'd be like, okay, thatwould actually fall under abuse
and they would immediately pushback.
And it was like, okay, thatwould actually fall under abuse
and they would immediately pushback.
And it was like they had allread the same script.
What's an example?
What do you?
Josh Porthouse (10:31):
mean.
Dana Nygaard (10:31):
So an example would be he said that he has
been sober from pornography forso long, a certain amount of
time, and then the other day thetopic came up somehow and I
could tell from his facesomething was going wrong there.
And when I pushed a little bit,sure enough, that was never
true.
(10:51):
I've never been sober.
I've lied to you every timeyou've checked in with me.
Hey, still checking, you'remaking sure things are good.
Ok, I've lied to you every time.
Or let's say, the man does thetypical gentlemanly things open
car door, stands up for a womanwhen she enters and leaves the
room, okay, all those beautifulthings.
And then they'll say, almost asa side note until I was late
(11:14):
the other day not my fault, I'mnever late.
Traffic, it was on the news.
I was 10 minutes late.
I even let him know what washappening and he screamed at me
for 20 minutes and then hecalled me a blankety blank.
He said what word?
The B word, the C word?
What happened?
And they would say well, weworked through it.
Okay, help me to understand.
(11:36):
What do you mean?
You worked through it and theywould look at me like we worked
it.
Okay.
He said blankety blank to you.
Then you said because I have,we got to break it down.
They have to see it.
If I just tell them, you know,shake my finger like I used to
be a teacher.
Um, that's not healthy.
You need to break up with him,that's not going to work.
(11:57):
They have to get it on theirown right.
And so I would say okay, hecalled you a blank.
What did you say?
You may not call me that, noone will call me that name.
And then what happened?
We went and got pizza.
Okay, that's not workingthrough it.
Has he done it again?
Yeah, well, I thought you saidbefore that you told him you
(12:21):
wouldn't put up with that.
Well, I mean, I did Like I toldhim and they'll get real
serious.
Like I told him you wouldn'tput up with that.
Well, I mean, I did like I toldhim and they'll get real
serious.
Like I told him, you can't dothat but they all have email,
right?
yeah, it's just it's, it's, it'sso sad.
And the other thing that theysay often and it's again, it's
like they almost all read fromthe same script is, once I point
out that that's abusiveemotional, verbal, whatever it
(12:43):
is physical, they'll they'llusually drop their head because
they're very ashamed and they'llsay I feel so bad right now.
He's a really good guy and I'mgiving you the wrong impression.
And so I have to disavow themof that.
And I have these two Frenchdoors in my therapy office and
what I'll do is I'll say, okay,let's pretend I have imaginary
(13:05):
post-it notes.
So on, this one brings youflowers.
We're going to put it on thegood behavior side, and I don't
even say bad behavior, I say youknow, like the not so good side
, because I don't want it to getall you know them getting upset
.
Where do I put he called you ablank, where does that one go?
And they just stare.
They know the answer.
But it's that cognitive bias,right?
(13:27):
Or the confirmation bias wherethey're thinking good guys bring
flowers.
Good guys, you know, say I'mpretty Okay, but good guys,
don't call you a blank.
That's not what good men do.
My husband doesn't even saythat, like, let's say, the
waitress is the worst serverwe've ever had.
She has a terrible attitude andis beyond rude.
(13:51):
My husband is not going to callher a five-letter word for a
female dog.
He's just it's not, it's notpart of our life.
And it's amazing how they'llsay oh yeah, he calls other
people that, but not me, sweetie.
If he calls other people that,you're going to be on the
receiving end at some point.
I promise you that's what'sgoing to happen.
Yeah, and I want there to beless abuse, less needless
(14:16):
suffering.
There's enough suffering thathappens in life anyway.
You know acts of God, tornadoes, cancer, car wrecks.
We don't need to invite in more.
And if they had betterself-confidence they wouldn't
accept it, and I'm living proofof it.
I used to accept that and myhusband will say to me he'll be
like okay.
I know all the stories are true.
(14:37):
I've met most of the players inthis story.
He said but I just can'tpicture you accepting that.
He's like I wouldn't havelasted a day and a half.
I'm like, dude, you wouldn'thave lasted a minute.
Because I got to the point whereI finally told myself this is
what I've done in the past.
I'm the cognitive.
I mean not the cognitive, I'mthe common denominator here.
So, huh, I have to have a partin this.
(15:00):
What's my responsibility?
I keep inviting those people inmy life.
So now, when I'm going to dateagain, I need to heal that
before I get out there.
And so I did a deep dive for 90days into healing an insecure
attachment to secure, because Iknow it takes the brain 90 days
to really make a change throughneuroplasticity.
(15:22):
And I dove into it, just like Idid math classes in college and
grad school.
I took them in the summer nohistory, no English, nothing
else.
So I could live, eat andbreathe the math.
So it's all I could think about.
So I could do better at it.
And that's how I survived mathclasses, because they're not.
They're very hard for me Evenwith all the effort.
(15:42):
It's like I got a C and thatwas like an A, but I put in.
A-level effort, and so I thoughtokay, if it works in that way,
let's see if it works in thisway.
And it does, because if I nowtake an attachment quiz, it
always comes out as secure.
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Dana Nygaard (16:21):
And so I thought OK, if it works in that way,
let's see if it works in thisway.
And it does, because if I nowtake an attachment quiz, it
always comes out as secure.
Josh Porthouse (16:32):
Well, congratulations, thank you,
thank you.
Dana Nygaard (16:35):
Yeah, absolutely, it's incredible because God is a
good and generous God, and Idid my hard work too.
Josh Porthouse (16:41):
Yeah, well, okay , so that's something else as
well.
Right, there's something to besaid for having to actually go
through some sort of a grind andjust deal with whatever happens
to appreciate what comes next.
That's right, because you can'tI don't think you can actually
have that degree of gratitudewithout some degree of sacrifice
first or suffrage first, butsaying that how do you, or how
(17:02):
did you or how do you recommendidentifying or maybe qualifying
your tolerance and thenidentifying your threshold,
because you've got to have someallowance for it, but there's a
line.
Dana Nygaard (17:16):
There has to be a line.
Exactly so it's.
You know what are your.
I asked someone like what arethe top five qualities you want
in a man?
Because some women will havethis exhaustive list and I'm
like girl, if we applied thefemale version to you, would you
be all those things?
No.
I've never had one woman eversay yes, I am all those things.
Never, not once.
(17:36):
Okay, so let's not get crazyhere, right?
But what are your top five?
Because one of my top five wasI wanted a husband that was
funny.
I don't mean a bada bing, badaboom, he's a comedian.
My husband is not a comedianbut he makes me laugh and so
when he makes me laugh,sometimes it's like I'll burst
out laughing or a chuckle ortake my brain a second.
(17:58):
I'll be like babe, like thatwas a, that was a good one.
I go top five knowing he justhit the ding, ding, ding.
My top five.
So what if I chose a man and Imarried him?
We're 20 years in the marriageand he never makes me laugh, and
yet that was important to me.
What's going to happen?
I'm going to wake up one day,look over in bed and think why
(18:20):
did I do this?
Well, he's a really greathandyman.
Now, my husband is a reallygreat handyman, but let's
pretend that wasn't one of hisgifts.
Well, okay, I could hire ahandyman.
So if I wanted a handyman sobadly, why didn't I have that on
my list of top five?
So part of this is not settlingand the person's going to be
(18:42):
human and to be a healthy humanbeing.
You have to know you haveweaknesses, you have areas in
your life that you're not goingto be great at and you're going
to make mistakes.
So it's not asking someone tobe perfect, but they need to be
the perfect person for you.
And so one of the things I toldmy husband when we got very
serious about dating and I couldtrust him, I said the first
(19:07):
time I ever see you drunk willbe the last time You'll never
see me again Because I'm nothaving that in my life.
I did not come from a home, butthat was a problem.
There were other issues, butthat was a problem when I was
married before and it was sneakyand things that I just was
naive and I just had no idea andso I'll never put up with that
(19:32):
again.
And I said the thing about the Bword.
I said and again, by then Iknew his character I would not
recommend that someone on thefirst date before you really are
able to trust them.
You know, show your hand andlet them know.
Oh, this is what I want you todo, because the manipulator
which okay, on a good day is 4%of the population.
(19:53):
I think it's much closer to 10%, maybe even higher.
In our current society there'sso much evil in the world now
because it's so easy to transmitinformation when in the past,
evil may be in this littlevillage, but it can only get so
far.
Now, in the blink of an eye, itcan just go everywhere.
(20:15):
And so I let him know I neverwant to hear the B word from
your mouth and it's not like hesaid it, it was just something
would come up about that topicand he's like I've never said I
know you, I've never heard yousay it, but I don't ever want to
hear that oh, she's such a,it's just such a degrading term.
And so there are certain thingsthat in the past I put up with.
(20:37):
The number one sign of that youwere getting into an abusive
relationship, and I ignored it.
My past was unwarrantedjealousy, and it can go both
directions For me.
Obviously it was with a man.
But to be able to say why areyou dressed that way?
What do you mean?
I, I've worn this in front ofyou Like we're going to church.
(20:59):
What do you mean?
I'm not dressed inappropriately?
Who are you trying to impress?
And the story that trulyhappened to me was I got
stonewalling where there's justthat like acting like I didn't
exist and wouldn't respond to me.
And then we go to to me this ismy former husband, we were
dating.
And then we go to to meet hisparents to we were dating.
(21:19):
And then we go to meet hisparents to go to a thing, and so
I don't have time to say likewhat's happening?
And I didn't have enoughwherewithal to understand that
he was stonewalling me at themoment.
I knew it, but I didn't knowenough to say get away from this
man.
And later, when he finallytells me because again he has to
Lord it over me that there'ssomething wrong, I've done
(21:41):
something, and he says you werelooking at that man in the car
you mean on the Dallas highway,if you've ever been to Dallas
zoom car.
Josh Porthouse (21:52):
Right on the 10.
Dana Nygaard (21:53):
What are you talking about?
Like I couldn't even say.
Like, oh, you mean the guy thathad the thing about.
Like, yeah, I couldn't even saylike, oh, you mean the guy that
had the thing?
I had no idea what he wasspeaking of.
And I'm the one after he calmeddown, I'm the one who
essentially went out to getpizza, like the women I worked
with.
We worked through it.
(22:13):
No, we didn't.
He acted like a jerk and Iignored that really big warning
sign.
So don't give everything awayat the beginning.
Oh, I need a woman who's veryaffectionate because she's going
to be maybe all affectionatewhen she's really not
affectionate.
And then the minute.
The deal is sealed.
Yeah, she's going to be likeyeah, I don't need that.
(22:34):
Get away from me, quit touchingme.
So you have to wait and see.
Josh Porthouse (22:40):
I've got.
I've got buddies like that, andI mean, even in my case I've
been in now in hindsight lookingback, abusive relationships,
not physical ones.
I don't particularly toleratethat too well, my patience is a
lot lower, I think, for thatkind of a thing.
But when it comes to verbalabuse or emotional abuse, after
(23:03):
a while, well, for example,especially in my case, I didn't
know what I had.
You know what I mean, my worth,what I was bringing to the
table.
I didn't have really muchconfidence because I took it all
for granted, like you said,well, I can, I can, you know
whatever hang pictures and fixsinks and handyman stuff and the
practical things, and I stoodon that as more of my identity.
(23:25):
And then so, when I couldcontinue to provide those things
, the environment didn't matter.
So I can still fix things, Ican still do things.
And so I started to justify myown position in the
relationships respective to therelationships from that
perspective.
But then I couldn't figure itout why, consistently, over a
few of them, I was gettingcomments like who's that I don't
(23:50):
know, I've never met her before.
Yeah, I have no idea, or youknow, uh, sometimes maybe it's
warranted.
Why are you spending so muchtime at work?
Other times it wasn't.
And then it turns into why areyou spending so much time at
work?
Because I'm at work, I don'tknow.
What do you want me to say, youknow.
And then after a while it getsinteresting, I think, because it
(24:12):
can turn into this I may aswell do it whatever.
Whatever it is, because I can'tget around not doing it and
having that be the truth anyway.
Dana Nygaard (24:23):
Exactly.
Josh Porthouse (24:24):
And I think it starts to cause its own sort of
what's the self-perpetuatingcatalyst.
Dana Nygaard (24:30):
Self-fulfilling prophecy yeah.
Josh Porthouse (24:32):
Self-fulfilling prophecy, yes, yep, and so then
it becomes its own problem atthat point, that otherwise
wasn't there.
Dana Nygaard (24:40):
It would have been an issue.
Well, in my first marriagebefore my sweet David, I
realized towards the end of it,when you know there's usually a
defining moment when a marriageis done, there's something that
breaks inside one of the peopleNormally it's not you and I
agree that we're just not a goodfit.
That's not how you and I agreethat we're just not a good fit.
That's not how most marriagesend.
(25:01):
And I remember thinking tomyself one day it occurred to me
I thought huh, he's angry nomatter what I do, and I'm sick
of shaking.
The minute I would hear himpull in, I would start to shake
because I knew there was goingto be a deluge of why did you do
(25:21):
this?
Okay, the next time I wouldn'tdo it.
Why didn't you do that?
And I realized I couldn't win.
And so I thought I may as wellstart doing what I want, because
he's going to be angry, nomatter what.
And I'll tell you on the lastweekend that we were officially
together, but he didn't know itwas going to be the last weekend
.
I had fun with him.
(25:42):
I'm a nice Catholic girl.
I've been to confession sincethen but I had a lot of fun just
doing the things that wouldannoy him.
Because I thought why are youtelling me how to drive?
I'm a competent driver, I don'thave a bad driving history.
Why are you telling me, likeyou want to get in the left lane
now?
Only tell me that fordirections, but don't tell me,
(26:05):
get around this car.
Don't micromanage me.
Yes, tell me directions.
So I'm not good at that and itwas fun turning it around on him
and of course it made himfurious.
But at that point I didn'tshake anymore.
I thought I'm not going to beafraid of you anymore.
I grew up with men who were myfather and brother, who were
(26:25):
tougher than you on your bestday.
So why have I been scared ofyou?
I'm no longer afraid of you.
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Dana Nygaard (27:24):
I grew up with men who were my father and brother,
who were tougher than you onyour best day, so why have I
been scared of you?
I'm no longer afraid of you.
Josh Porthouse (27:34):
So that's something I wanted to ask you
about, right, like you talkedearlier about a little bit of
what did you call confirmationbias and and how that this sort
of tends to mask thesesituations and I think very
directly contributes to a degreeof imposter syndrome at present
or in the future as well,because then you don't know who
to trust, even if it's youtelling you yeah, but developing
(27:56):
that degree of awareness, evenexcluded from this type of an
environment, is difficult.
So how do you develop that kindof awareness when you're in that
kind of environment?
Dana Nygaard (28:09):
I think it's when to ask yourself, and if you're a
faith-filled person.
As a Christian, I would ask Godto reveal to me like Lord,
things don't feel right, or Lord, every day I don't have a sense
of basic peace.
Even if, you know, the hotwater heater overflows or breaks
(28:29):
or something.
Okay, that's going to bedistressing, but why is my
default not to go back to peaceand trust that everything's
going to be okay If I do thethings I need to be doing
adulting, you know all those,all those things taking care of
myself, going to the doctor, allthose things and so when
there's not peace, that's a bigproblem.
(28:50):
And then, when there is a lackof congruency, so when the
person is talking the talk andthey're not walking the walk.
You know, I'm the best husbandand I treat this woman
fabulously and she's lucky to bemarried to me.
And I'm thinking okay, ifpeople knew what life was like
(29:13):
at home?
So people came up to us inpublic, he would immediately,
like we were about to go meetpeople that we knew and he had
just called me a vulgar,horrible name, said something
contemptuous to me.
He would put an arm around meand squeeze, letting me know
well, don't you let the cat outof the bag, and because I grew
up in a home where I wasliterally told get that look off
(29:36):
your face.
So if something upsettinghappened and I'm a little girl
and I'm like I couldn't havethat.
And I don't mean I walked aroundpouting all the time, because I
wouldn't put up with that formy own child either.
But in the moment there'd besomething very upsetting, but I
wasn't allowed to feel myfeelings.
And then also I got I'm 5'8"okay, I'm tall, taller than the
(30:01):
average woman, and I was down to117 pounds.
I weighed 114 when I modeled inhigh school as a freshman and I
was down to 117.
It wasn't because I waswatching my figure, it was
because I felt so upset.
I was constantly in fight orflight and you know, I'm sure
(30:22):
from your military background,when there is what you think is
a danger ahead could be a realdanger, could be a perceived
danger.
Your body shuts down eating,you don't have time for a snack,
there's someone coming afteryou, so your body goes up.
We're going to shut that down.
That's why after trauma, mostpeople are like I'm ravenous, I
could eat a horse.
Yeah, because your body shutdown and that adrenaline
(30:45):
coursing through your body.
I cried a lot, and I don't meanover a sad movie, I just would
cry and I would think why am Icrying?
And it's fascinating I don'thave the research in front of me
, I have it buried in mycomputer.
But the tears from grief andsadness, the chemical makeup is
different than tears from I justhit my shin really hard.
Josh Porthouse (31:09):
They're different.
Google it.
Dana Nygaard (31:11):
You'll be.
It's just, it's amazing.
So, even though I didn't go andhave my tears tested, I was
grieving that.
How have I lived this manyyears, been, I think, a really
good wife and mom and I'mtreated this way, and it didn't
match up.
So, when my life no longer hadcongruency and my identity as a
(31:34):
beloved child of God, a princessof the Most High God, when that
wasn't being reflected back tome and my husband, something was
off and the other thing I did.
My final point on that will be Iwent to a therapist and said I
just want to tell you about asituation and explained it to
(31:55):
her.
I don't think I'm crazy.
And she said I love her wordsand I use them to this day with
my own clients, way before Ibecame a therapist.
She said people with his typeof personality that's a
euphemism for a jerk and oftenit means a person could have
(32:16):
narcissism, antisocialpersonality disorder, histrionic
something, some kind of youknow, a borderline or something
where they're not behaving well.
And she said here's what'sgoing to happen You're going to
go home and you're going to laydown the boundary about the
thing he told you you had to doand you couldn't do.
Okay, and I wrote it down andshe goes and here's what he's
(32:37):
going to say and I wrote it downand she goes and here's what
he's going to say and I wrote itdown and I went home and I set
the boundary about the thing hewas telling me I had to do.
And the thing he said Icouldn't do was all involved in
one situation and we're off theair.
Later I can tell you the storyif you want to hear it.
And it was as if she waspsychic.
(32:58):
I don't believe in that, that'snot a thing I don't think.
And she predicted he did whatshe said he would do.
He said what she said.
So after that happened and Igot through the situation and
again did what I needed to dofor our son, I went back to her
and I said, okay, I'm not readyfor ongoing therapy at this
point.
How did you know that?
Because I don't believe inpsychics.
(33:20):
If you have any informationyou're not supposed to have, I
think that's demonic.
So how did you know that?
And she said it's because ofhis personality type.
Anyone, any story that fit kindof like yours in a puzzle,
that's what they do, and sothat's part of what comes to my
practice.
A lot are these type ofsituations, which is why I felt
(33:42):
so led because of the marriedcouples Again, not all of them.
Some of them are absolutelydelightful and loving and then
the women that came to me withthese abuse stories.
It just was put on my heart.
I can only see so many peoplein my office and only in Texas.
So many people in my office andonly in Texas.
We have to help more women,because that's where God has
called me more women to avoidthis unnecessary suffering and
(34:05):
then go through a divorce,because I don't want anyone
going through what I wentthrough.
I want them to have what I havewith my David now.
Josh Porthouse (34:11):
Yeah, well, and that kind of a well, actually
that kind of a patternrecognition is important too,
and I think that's just a sortof natural bias.
You know, we try to at least inmy experience.
We try to find ways to controlthe chaos and put boundaries and
constraints and figure out away to make it make sense.
Yeah, and even if it justdoesn't, I think conflict and
(34:33):
chaos are equally as natural inthe world and it's okay to just
it just doesn't click, it justdoesn't make sense.
Yes, and then to try to reframethat kind of uh, what did you?
Why did you frame it earlier?
Oh, that's right.
When you and david were dating,you said after some time I
(34:55):
started to know his characteryes I think that kind of more
positive and proactive patternrecognition or maybe it's some
sort of sociocultural bias, Idon't know but that kind of
capability, when you get to knowsomebody to that degree that
you can stand on it, that youcan trust it, I think that's the
(35:15):
goal of any relationship.
Maybe it ends in marriage,maybe it ends in friendship,
maybe it ends in professionalworkplace, I don't know harmony
or whatever you want to call it,but I think that's the goal in
any relationship where you getto know somebody after the
facade falls.
Dana Nygaard (35:30):
Yes, the mask.
Josh Porthouse (35:32):
Yeah, exactly, actually it was in that movie, I
think the Mask with Jim Carrey.
It was in a Ben Stein.
It's all about the masks wewear.
You know, that's exactly whathe was talking about in the
movie.
Dana Nygaard (35:42):
We present ourselves a certain way.
Josh Porthouse (35:44):
That's it Right.
Dana Nygaard (35:46):
But then we're real people.
So it's funny like when peoplethink I'm a therapist 24, seven,
I'm just a wounded child in theadult body of a woman who's
been through a lot of stuff.
I do have my educationalbackground.
I think I do have someGod-given wisdom.
I'm just a person.
So like I don't join women'sgroups where it's a support
(36:10):
group because it's just weird.
Everyone else gets to be sad,upset, overwhelmed.
Not the therapist, because theyexpect you to be a certain way.
So there's still that mask to acertain degree, but not the
mask of dishonesty.
It's simply that you have to bethis close in my world and you
(36:33):
have to have earned your wayhere, because what I hear women
say a lot, and maybe men say ittoo, but I hear the women say,
well, he has, let's say,integrity, okay, great.
And I smile and I'm thinking,oh, I know what's about to
happen here.
Again, not psychic, it's just apattern.
I'll say what examples do youhave Nine out of 10 times they
(36:57):
go, they can't answer, orthey'll say a woman say this one
a lot, um, I'm a daddy's girl,or I was a daddy's girl maybe
their father has passed on, okay, well, I've.
You know, you've been my clientfor six months and you, you
said you brought up your daddy'sgirl numerous times.
So I would love to hear a storyabout you being a daddy's girl.
Well, and then at the beach.
(37:20):
No, that's not, it's a fantasy,it's delusion that they want to
be the girl who was a daddy'sgirl, but they don't have those
stories.
And then I do know people thatman, they can go on forever with
all the daddy girl stories.
And my father, god rest his soulhe passed not that long ago,
(37:41):
very unexpectedly, and one of mycousins said you were always a
daddy's girl.
And I was like, cuz what?
I didn't have a father, thatI'm the only girl.
That.
What are you basing that off of?
He had nothing to say, becauseI would love for him to have
said remember the time I sawyour dad and I'd be like, oh,
(38:05):
how beautiful.
I forgot that or I didn't know.
He did that.
No, and so part of this is wehave to live in reality.
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more because I would love forhim to have said remember the
time I saw your dad and I'd belike, oh, how beautiful.
I forgot that or I didn't knowhe did that.
No, and so part of this is wehave to live in reality.
Josh Porthouse (39:33):
Well, and I think that takes honest feedback
.
If it's not your own assessment, it has to be somebody else's
that you trust.
Right?
There's only one.
Well, I guess there's only twoways to see any situation you
know individually, and then asecond party yes but it can be.
It can be constructive too, andit was like you said earlier
when you brought up, you know,prior to technology or or this
(39:54):
sort of digital revolution we'vegot happening in the world
today, where you said evil canbe everywhere, just not
everywhere at once, yeah, andnow obviously it's moving at the
speed of light, yes.
So to be able to sort of putthat into a perspective, I think
that's interesting too.
The amount of human nature thattakes place in any isolated
(40:16):
village and I mean thisfirsthand, from the places that
I've been to at least doesn'tchange.
That I've been to at leastdoesn't change.
People are still people, evenif they've never had contact
with you know, pick a morepopular platform or whatever, it
doesn't matter.
Social media, let's say, butthere's still lies, there's
still deceit, there's stillinsecurity, there's still some
(40:37):
degree of dishonesty or distrustor manipulation or whatever.
Right, right, and so I don'tknow that necessarily it's
spreading so fast.
I think now it's just easier tobe aware of the potential that
it's everywhere and then seeingit right.
So that's possible yeah, I, Ithink it is.
(40:57):
Uh, I think it is possible.
So this is, I think, a goodpoint in the conversation for a
segment of the show calledDeveloping Character
D-D-D-Developing Character.
And so this is two questions,and my reason for this is pretty
simple.
People are going to act acertain way, I think, based off
of one of two stimuli in anyparticular relationship One is
(41:18):
nature and one is nurture, andit just is because not
everybody's witting to how theycome across to other people, and
so my working theory is thatit's rooted in some sort of
value system, even if it'sinaccurately applied to a
situation.
So I'm curious in all of yourassessments so far some of yours
(41:40):
, and so these are my twoquestions as you were growing up
, what were some of the valuesthat you remember being taught
or that you were exposed to?
And then my second question isnow that you're older, having
gained all this experience, whatare some of your values now?
Dana Nygaard (41:54):
I like those questions very, very much.
So as a child.
What I think is interesting isI was taught to stand up for
myself, but there was a caveat,and the caveat was outside of
the home, not in the home.
In the home, you have no power.
(42:17):
I don't care that you're 12, 18, 20, 40.
You only can stand up to peopleoutside of here and you better
stand up to them.
So I was taught growing up ifsomeone starts a fight you may
finish it, but you may neverstart the fight.
You can't throw the first punch.
And I wasn't told like and youbetter win that fight, like they
(42:40):
better be in the hot.
No, I wasn't told that, but itwas this idea.
Like my mother taught me I usedto babysit.
I remember I think I got like Iwas up to like $2 and 25 cents
an hour.
I was like a big timebabysitter in my little
neighborhood, that's verypopular with the parents.
Right, and so my mother wouldhelp me calculate.
Okay, if you know, they pickyou up at six and they bring you
home at 10.
(43:00):
Like this is how much money?
Because I was not the queen ofmath, as I said earlier, and so
I would already know, like, okay, I should get $10 or $12.
And the Sinai's parents wouldgive me a tip and I wouldn't be
confused Like why am I getting$15?
And this one family, the mother, didn't pay me correctly and my
mother said you're going tocall her and here's what you say
(43:21):
.
And I was like, oh, oh, no, mom, no, no, mom, it doesn't matter
, I don't need the money.
Josh Porthouse (43:26):
No, ma'am, I'll rock the boat.
Dana Nygaard (43:28):
Yeah, you're going to stand up.
Hi, mrs Smith, you know I didmy little thing and it was
obvious the way she spoke to me.
She did it on purpose, itwasn't a miscalculation.
And my mother said you need totell her she's to bring that
money to you now and blah, blah,blah.
And I did it.
The interesting part that was Iwasn't allowed to do that in my
own home.
(43:49):
So when a just normal boundaryof just any child in a family
was violated, it wasn'trespected.
I was not allowed to sayanything and I would get in
trouble and yelled at.
So that was odd.
I was given my Catholic faith.
My parents are converts.
I'm very grateful for myCatholic faith.
(44:09):
That is the essence of my lifeand my marriage.
However, most converts arezealots about their faith.
They're just so on firewhichever direction someone goes
if they go to a different faith.
So even though it was somethingI was supposed to live up to,
it wasn't discussed.
It was like let the otherpeople teach you the Sunday
(44:36):
school teacher, the priest, letother people teach you, but
we're really not going todiscuss it.
So my home was a lot of youtalk the talk, but you don't
walk the walk, which is why Ithen, of course, was attracted
to men at that point who thatfelt familiar, because it felt
comfortable to me Not a goodcomfortable, but in the back of
my brain thinking yeah, safer, Ican do this all day long.
(44:56):
I know how to do it.
My values today, oh my goodness.
Self-confidence and I don'tmean in this narcissistic, oh my
gosh, look at me, way In a.
I have inherent dignity becauseI'm a child of God, and then I
need to treat other people thatway, and so one of the values I
(45:17):
live by is treating other peopleas human beings and treating
objects as objects, not treatinga person as an object.
Josh Porthouse (45:29):
Oh, that's interesting.
Dana Nygaard (45:30):
Pope John Paul II, the great yeah.
Josh Porthouse (45:33):
There's sort of an interesting I don't know
subcontext.
I think to that point though,in medicine you have to deal
with this kind of dissonance orintentional distancing all the
time.
Healthcare, let's say, maybemore than medicine, but
healthcare.
Just like you do in the defenseindustry.
To take a 17 or an 18-year-old,let's say, on average in the
(45:55):
enlisted ranks in the USDepartment of Defense and say
you're going to go into anactive kinetic warfighting
environment and you may have toshoot somebody, takes some
conditioning yeah and somedegree of desensitizing and
dehumanizing and to a certainextent it's a necessary evil of
(46:18):
the industry yes, yes.
The difficulty comes in whenthey say uh, four years later,
eight years, 20 years later,whatever I'm done, for whatever
reason done, I'm going to go bea banker, a teacher, a cop, a
firefighter or whatever itbecomes.
I'm going to grow mushrooms ordo whatever.
Okay, great, and never didanybody explain what you just
(46:43):
said.
Dana Nygaard (46:45):
Really.
Josh Porthouse (46:47):
No, there is no backwards sort of you know the
human intelligence or the humancapital or the personal
development or the socialreintegration type aspect of
that on the back end of of a ofa service contract.
And so to compensate for thator supplement for that at least
(47:07):
in the United States especially,we have licensed mental health
counselors and social workersand psychiatrists and all these
teams of people to help withthat while somebody is actively
serving or, you know, for theirfamilies, whatever applies.
But no, otherwise thatconversation doesn't happen.
Yeah, and so if theconversation doesn't happen and
(47:28):
if you don't volunteer for thehelp or if you shy away from it
or avoid it when it is available, well then what do you have to
stand on?
And how many millions of peoplethen reintegrate into society
with that particular mindsetthat's going to cause problems.
So I I think conversations likethis and points that you're
making, careers that you likeyours, that you got into, I
(47:49):
think they make all thedifference, just because they
exist, whether or not you're,you know, restricted to texas,
it doesn't mean like this on theairwaves or on podcasts you are
, and it makes like this on theairwaves or on podcasts you are,
and it makes all the difference, just just to hear you say it.
Um, so I don't think yourupbringing is is necessarily
(48:11):
unique in that regard.
Unfortunately, it's fairlycommon.
Dana Nygaard (48:14):
It is.
You're right, and I'm thinkingthat some of what you were
saying could speak to at leastan aspect of the high suicide
rate of people right In activemilitary, when they're not
active, and it's heartbreaking.
And so in counseling there'ssomething known as non-directive
(48:36):
therapy and that's this morelaid back, don't really get
overly engaged.
You let the person talk andthen you do the occasional.
So how does that make you feel,josh, which sometimes I do want
to know how my client feels,because all they're talking
about are their thoughts.
They're saying the word feel,but they're actually not using
(48:58):
feeling words.
Josh Porthouse (48:59):
So go well, I feel that the reason why okay,
that's not a feeling, that's athought- Well, we're detached
and then conditioned to bedetached, yes, and so then the
ability to effectivelycommunicate from a position of
attachment doesn't exist.
Dana Nygaard (49:15):
No, no, it totally fails, and so what I tell
people when they call me, causepeople will message me or text
me, email me.
Hey, dana, I found you online,someone referred me to you,
whatever.
And what are your rates andwhat are your?
No, I don't ever, ever say well, the Blue Crossers, I don't do
any of that.
I say when's a good time tochat about your counseling needs
(49:38):
?
Or people say none of thatmatters, just add me to your
calendar.
No, because I need to tell themup front.
I'm a directive therapist.
(49:58):
I know 99% of them are all likeoh, carl Rogers, and
non-directive.
It never sat right with me.
For me, if you want that kindof therapist, they're out there,
they're very easy to find andthey probably charge a lot less
money and they're probably onevery insurance panel.
That's not me, because God putme on this earth all those years
that I was silenced and shutdown For the last 20 years of my
life I haven't been that way.
(50:20):
So when the Holy Spirit gives mea word of knowledge or
something, I put it out there, Itest it.
I don't act like I'm themouthpiece of Jesus.
I say does it resonate?
And even when they go,sometimes, no, I really don't
think that fits.
And I know inside, I can tellin my body I'm thinking no, I
(50:41):
feel it in my bones and I'll go.
Okay, they will, within a dayor two, text me, email me, dana.
Oh my gosh, when you said blah,blah, blah, it hit me.
Why did I not connect the twothings?
That's, you're the third personto say that to me.
So when it's a non-directivetherapist, they just don't.
They would never say anythinglike that.
(51:02):
And I put it out there becausethat's just how God made me.
So all the years I wasconstrained.
It went against who God made meto be.
And I'm not everyone's cup oftea, and that's okay, because
I'm enough of a cup of tea forother people that it's great.
I have a full practice.
Josh Porthouse (51:20):
Well, congratulations again.
Dana Nygaard (51:22):
Thank you.
Josh Porthouse (51:23):
That's huge.
Saying that, I guess actuallyfor the sake of time, I really
only have two more questions foryou.
But saying all those things, Imean you've talked to loads of
people.
Like I said, all I can speak tois at least 3,000 hours worth
of people.
So through all that time yourown experience, other clients,
all the above what has itactually done to instigate your
(51:46):
own sense of self and your ownself-worth?
Now, having gone through all ofthat and come out on the other
side?
Dana Nygaard (51:52):
I thank God for the suffering.
I thank him for the trauma, forthe abuse, for the neglect, for
the heartache and pain.
I thank him for the cancer,what came from it?
Not the actual cancer, becauseit was pretty miserable, but
I've had lots of operations andtreatments, I assure you, but
I'm cancer-free, thank you, Lord.
(52:13):
But that suffering doesn't haveto be wasted and that I am his
beloved child.
Even though I did suffer, I'mnot.
I don't think poorly aboutmyself because of what all I've
been through.
I think he loves me so muchthat he's allowing me to
experience some of the sufferingthat Christ went through,
(52:35):
because if we're going to forthose who are Christians, we're
not just supposed to be.
Okay, I turn over tablesbecause of the money changers,
or Jesus was really cool aboutthese things.
No, I live a life where I haveenough self-esteem that if I
bring okay, I don't want to bedisrespectful.
If I bring, like the, let's say, theology of Dana, okay, let's
(52:59):
make that silly thing up andsomeone doesn't grab onto it,
that's okay.
I dust off my feet and I walkaway and I leave them, that's
okay.
They're not meant to be in mylife, and so that's the biggest
thing is I only have people inmy life that treat me well, and
if they mess up or if I mess up,we forgive each other, we hug
(53:22):
it out and we do better.
I no longer accept people in mylife when people are like well,
that's your family.
Should my family treat mebetter than that?
Why should that girlfriend I'vehad for 20 years that is just
like a sister me, why does shetreat me better?
But the people that share myDNA don't?
So there are some familymembers that I'm very close to
(53:43):
and there are some that I'mgoing to love them from very,
very far away.
Josh Porthouse (53:49):
Yeah, yeah, yeah .
There's a lot of growthopportunities.
I think they come up as aresult of that.
Yes, speaking of, there's alsoa lot of growth opportunities to
bring people closer, and so youmentioned your book earlier.
For people that want to get intouch, either as clients or
readers, or follow you on othershows whatever applies other
(54:13):
podcasts when do people go?
How do they do it?
Dana Nygaard (54:17):
Thank you for that .
So if you go to my website,dananygardcom just like it's on
the screen there you can accessmy book, and it's one book in
four different editions.
So it's 365 dates to renew yourChristian marriage.
The purple are Catholic, thered are Protestant and the
Protestant one is for Protestantbrothers and sisters, and it's
(54:40):
for it really comes in handywhen there's a mixed faith
marriage and maybe one spouse isanti-Catholic and like hey,
you're not bringing thatCatholic stuff in here, it just
it just tones down theCatholicity, if that's the word
of it.
But it's over a thousand 1,095date night questions, set up in
a format of three questions perday, and so there's the warm up.
(55:02):
Then you get a little bitdeeper.
Now you're back home, you're onyour patio having a glass of
wine and it builds from thebeginning until the end of it
and it's to deepen thatemotional intimacy.
So there's that, and I dospeaking engagements, keynotes.
We travel around the country.
I would love to go to Europe.
So you know, let's, let's makethings happen in other countries
(55:23):
.
And then my husband and I wehave marriage retreats, marriage
enrichment retreats that welead, and so we have that.
And then my current project,which is, oh my gosh, it has my
heart so deep isclaritypleasecom is the website
where you go to, but it givesyou access to my free online
community.
(55:44):
It's just for women, miss toMrs, and it's all about what are
red flags and what should youknow about them and what did
they mean?
Because they all mean something, because every human being does
what they do, because they getsome sort of a payoff, and so
(56:08):
you have to know if a manbecause, again, I work with
women if a man does X and such,this is what it actually
translates into it means hedisrespects you or it means he's
setting you up to see how muchhe can use you, sort of thing.
So that's my current petproject that is so exciting to
see women getting healing sothat when they do go back out in
the dating world, they choosebetter or to help them.
(56:31):
Vet, is he my Mr right or is hemy Mr wrong if they're dating
someone currently?
Josh Porthouse (56:37):
Yeah, having standards is important.
I think it's also equally asimportant to clarify the amount
of humility and discernment thatcomes with exercises and
retreats like what you'redescribing, because it's through
some discernment and someanalysis.
No, no, it's not, and that'sokay too.
That's right.
Yeah, that's, that's huge.
(57:12):
So for anybody who's new to ourshow, depending on the player
you're streaming thisconversation on or obviously
here on YouTube click see more,click show more.
And in the drop downdescription for the conversation
, the show notes, you'll seelinks to dananigardcom and
claritypleasecom and thenobviously, your other links
there on your website for socialor to check out your books as
(57:33):
well.
I think this was a really coolconversation.
In fact, the only real letdownI have is it was very fast and
now time's up.
Dana Nygaard (57:41):
You're awesome.
Thank you, You're such a greathost and this was such fun just
going back and forth and I lovethe topic and I love your
insight and I have such respectfor anyone who's ever been in
the military.
So if this is not too trite tosay thank you to you and for all
the others who have served inour military and Veterans Day is
very, very special to me as an.
(58:01):
American, it's my birthday.
Veterans Day.
Yeah, thank you.
It's just.
It's such a special place in myheart, so thank you for all
that you do in this podcast.
Josh Porthouse (58:13):
Sure, sure, well .
And that said, you know, havingpeople like you come on and
share your perspective with acertain degree of vulnerability
and authenticity, I think is alot in any particular
circumstance and setting.
But then to couple that, ormaybe compound that, with we're
going to broadcast it to theworld, is that cool.
If I put your face on it, youknow it changes things a little
bit.
So also, yeah, having thecourage to just talk about it,
(58:36):
even though it may not benecessarily a big deal to you or
anybody else that comes in ontothe show in the future, it may
be to other people, and havingthat experience listening to you
or anybody else that comes inonto the show in the future, it
may be to other people, andhaving that experience listening
to you, watching you talk aboutsome of these things can be an
inspiration in its own right.
So, yeah, absolutely.
I'm just happy to have been aplatform and part of it.
Dana Nygaard (58:55):
Well, thank you.
I think it's important fortherapists not always in session
but to be vulnerable, becausepeople tend to put us on a
pedestal oh, your life is soperfect.
I'm just a person.
I'm just a person who's beenthrough things and I have some
wisdom and knowledge to share.
Josh Porthouse (59:11):
And that's an important caveat, I guess, for
the sake of just making it morepublicly proclaimed that there
doesn't have to be thisall-encompassing attribution of
everything we talked about toevery relationship, just as much
as it doesn't necessarily applyto every service member or
every first responder or everyeverybody, but there are
circumstances where it couldapply to anybody and I think
(59:34):
that's why it's got someresonance.
Yeah, absolutely.
But again, yeah, thank you foryour time and I appreciate the
opportunity.
And to everybody else who'slistened to the conversation or
watched it in this case, thankyou guys for coming back.
Or, if you're new to the show,thank you for coming out and
listening to the conversation aswell.
I'll leave you with this beforewe close out.
If you like this conversationand you want to hear more of our
(59:57):
conversations, go to ourwebsite
TransactingValuePodcastcom.
You can find everything there,all of our seasons, the more
recent ones and the really earlyones that probably should be
archived, but that's okay,they're up there as well.
That's how we learn and grow.
Now, saying that, on the topright-hand corner of the
homepage it says leave avoicemail, click the button.
It's two minutes of talk timeall to you, and here's some
(01:00:20):
recommendations about what youcan do with it.
One let us know what you thinkof the show.
Tell us what you think about myquestions, my style, the guests
, the topics, the structure, theflow of the show anything I
don't mind.
Let me know what you think.
Feedback is how we evolve theshow and helps it to grow.
And then obviously, you cantell your friends about it as
well.
But the second thing that workswell with that leave a
voicemail button is you can tellDana what you think about this
(01:00:42):
conversation.
Let her know what you thinkabout the topics.
Let her know what you thinkabout her responses, resources.
You have situations you'regoing through.
Keep in mind we do not have theneed to have a HIPAA compliant
voicemail fact or a piece tothis show, okay.
So whatever you decide to putin there to relay to Dana, if
that's something you want, keepthat in mind and we'll get you
(01:01:04):
guys in touch and you can talkabout that elsewhere.
But let her know what you thinkabout the show.
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Leave her a review if you want,and we'll forward her the audio
file as well.
That said, I do appreciate yourtime.
Anybody who sponsored andadvertised and worked with our
show obviously, my team.
Thanks, guys for putting thistogether, but until next time
(01:01:28):
that was Transacting Value.
Thank you to our show partnersand folks.
Thank you for tuning in andappreciating our value as we all
grow through life together.
To check out our otherconversations or even to
contribute through feedbackfollows time, money or talent
and to let us know what youthink of the show, please leave
a review on our website,transactingvaluepodcastcom.
We also stream new episodesevery Monday at 9 am Eastern
(01:01:49):
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You can now hear TransactingValue on Wreaths Across America
Radio.
Head to wreathsacrossamericaorg.
Slash transactingvalue tosponsor a reef and remember,
honor and teach the value offreedom for future generations.
On behalf of our team and ourglobal ambassadors, as you all
(01:02:11):
strive to establish clarity andpurpose, ensure social
tranquility and secure theblessings of liberty or
individual sovereignty ofcharacter for yourselves and
your posterity, we will continueinstigating self-worth and
we'll meet you there.
Until next time.
That was Transacting Value.
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