February 10, 2025 • 56 mins
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In this episode, I am joined by the insightful Reesa Morala, a licensed marriage and family therapist, as we explore the complex journey from survival mode to a thriving family life. Reesa shares expert advice on the importance of self-care for parents and how setting boundaries can transform the fleeting moments of parenthood into cherished memories. Together, we tackle the immense pressure parents face, especially those in demanding fields like the military and medical professions, and the necessity of balancing personal needs with parental responsibilities.
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To learn more about Reesa and Embrace Renewal Therapy visit:
https://www.embracerenewaltherapy.com/
https://www.embracerenewaltherapy.com/real-family-eats
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Josh Porthouse (00:00):
The views expressed in this podcast are
solely those of the podcast hostand guest and do not
necessarily represent those ofour distribution partners,
supporting businessrelationships or supported
audience.
Welcome to Transacting Value,where we talk about practical
(00:22):
applications for instigatingself-worth when dealing with
each other and even withinourselves, where we foster a
podcast listening experiencethat lets you hear the power of
a value system for managingburnout, establishing boundaries
, fostering community andfinding identity.
My name is Josh Porthouse, I'myour host and we are redefining
sovereignty of character.
(00:42):
This is why values still holdvalue.
This is Transacting Value.
Reesa Morala (00:49):
Yes, respect, but it's not just to authority
figures, it's respect to all, nomatter the age, no matter what
they look like.
It's just going forth andreally emulating.
How can we treat others withthe respect that they deserve,
just because they're humanbeings and they're alive.
Josh Porthouse (01:09):
Today on Transacting Value.
How does prioritizing you andyour relationship become so
important as parents whendiscovering your own identity?
Well, it's complicated.
Long-distance to end a strangerelationship seems to be the
hallmark of all high-stressoccupational marriages.
So how do we embrace for impact?
(01:29):
Risa Murala, owner of EmbraceRenewal Therapy, licensed
marriage and family therapistand host of the Real Family Eats
, is here to talk all about it.
I'm Josh Porthouse, I'm yourhost and from SDYT Media.
This is Transacting Value.
Carissa, how are you doing?
Reesa Morala (01:50):
I'm doing pretty well.
How about yourself?
Josh Porthouse (01:53):
I'm good.
I'm good.
And first let me say I have toassume you've got a busy life,
you're a licensed therapist,you're a parent yourself and
you've got your own things.
You've got to take care ofhobbies, preferences, quiet time
, whatever you need.
So thanks for lending some ofit here to come on the show.
(02:13):
I appreciate it.
Reesa Morala (02:15):
Yes, absolutely.
Thank you very much for havingme.
Josh Porthouse (02:18):
Absolutely.
Now you said a couple thingsbefore we recorded that I think
are really interesting, a couplethings before we recorded that
I think are really interesting.
Reesa Morala (02:27):
First off, as a parent, and correct me if I'm
wrong.
It's okay to prioritizeyourself over your kids.
A hundred percent, in fact.
I think it's necessary in orderfor us to create a thriving
family system that I think mostparents want for their family,
for their life.
Josh Porthouse (02:46):
Okay, well, let's qualify this then how do
you define a thriving familysystem?
Reesa Morala (02:53):
So for me, the way that I like to describe it is
we're moving out of thatsurvival mode where we're purely
reactive to what's happening.
We are thinking things arecoming at us and there's really
no game plan, there's reallynothing in place.
And then thriving is moving usto a place where we have a
(03:13):
little bit more capacity toactually be present and be
enjoying what's happening andenjoying the joy that's
happening.
So much of parenthood, it'sfleeting, it's fast, and if we
are in survival mode we aremissing so much of it because we
are purely just trying to catchthe bullets as they're coming
(03:34):
and hope that we can keep up, ifyou will.
And so thriving is reallymoving us out of that place of
just catching bullets and reallybeing able to be in it and to
really just soak it all up,because as the minutes pass, any
parent out there gosh, it goesby so fast.
Josh Porthouse (03:56):
I heard this before and I can't remember who
said it, but we basically have18 years to help raise the next
generation, and this is ageneric baseline, obviously but
to help raise the nextgeneration to be prepared for
the next 80.
That's a tall order.
So how do you ensure thatthere's enough time to relax and
(04:19):
enjoy the present?
Reesa Morala (04:21):
That's a great question, because you're
absolutely right and I think,when you put it in that
perspective, I think that's partof the reason why so many
parents, we kind of get caughtup in that monumental pressure
of, oh my goodness, I only havethese 18 years to make this
really big dent in somebodyelse's life and so I need to put
(04:42):
everything, all my stuff, allof my issues I got to put on the
back burner because this personis dependent on me and I only
have so much time to get it allin there.
And so I think that and Ihighlight that because it's not
coming from a place of trying toshame or say we're doing
something wrong I think it trulycomes from this very internal
(05:03):
place of just wanting to helpthis person be the best that
they can be.
And so, in reality, time isgoing fast and we are busy as
parents, and so some of that iscreating boundaries and creating
limits, of really figuring outwill it be okay if they don't
play every single sportunderneath the sun?
(05:24):
I think they will be if thatallows us, if that allows us,
though, just one more day in ourweekend where we're not having
to cart the kids around to anearly morning game, so that we
can sit, maybe in our PJs, andhave a brunch and be able to
just enjoy each other, enjoyourselves, enjoy our
(05:45):
relationship with a parentpartner Gosh.
I think, in the grand scheme ofthings, it's so worth it.
Josh Porthouse (05:52):
But now, what about the flip side then of that
point where making time for thekids is the luxury I mean?
For example, I just got off myactive duty contract in the
Marine Corps about a year ago,and up to that point I mean it
was 15 years of.
You guys don't get a say right,you get an opinion and we can
(06:16):
talk through some of thosethings when they got old enough.
You know, and, however, anyother families address these
considerations.
But generally speaking, if oneof you, or in some cases even
both of you, have to contendwith some of these military
contracts, or you know yourpolice officers, who else?
(06:36):
Firefighters, teachers, lawyers, nurses, doctors, I mean it's
all the same sort of parallelright, like, I can't make it to
your game this weekend, bud, Igot to work.
What about then?
How do you ensure that there'sstill inclusivity and some
degree of boundaries when youdon't necessarily have control
over where those boundaries fall?
Reesa Morala (06:57):
Yeah, I think some of that is getting creative on
what the time that you do have,the time that is available, what
that actually looks like, andbeing intentional about it and
prioritizing it, and so some ofthat is going to, in my
experience, at least in thefolks that I work with as well.
Some of that is maybe it is justa couple minutes of let's have
(07:20):
a dance party, let's put thephones away, let's put the
devices away, and let's put thedevices away and let's just turn
on just a music and just startmoving our bodies.
I don't have a ton of time, butI can take a couple minutes, and
so is that an option wheremaybe, instead of taking the
10-minute toilet break with ourphone, we take an eight-minute
break and we come out and wejust have that couple of minutes
(07:43):
of intentional time.
Or if they are, let's say,they're feeling sad that you
have to leave and you aremissing one of their games,
being able to just that coupleminutes, yeah I am totally
feeling sad to you and gettingon their level and relating to
that emotion, the connectionthat we're able to make in that
moment, can actually do so muchmore in rebuilding and securing
(08:09):
that attachment and thatrelationship.
They don't need us there 100%of the time.
You know, life is real.
We've got to put food on thetable, and sometimes that
includes a job that doesn'tprovide us the luxury of, and
tons of time at home.
It's making the time that we dohave very intentional, very
(08:30):
meaningful in the ways thatwe're connecting with ourselves,
with our children, with ourpartners.
Josh Porthouse (08:38):
Alrighty, folks sit tight and we'll be right
back on Transacting Value.
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Reesa Morala (09:14):
It's making the time that we do have very
intentional, very meaningful inthe ways that we're connecting
with ourselves, with ourchildren, with our partners, the
ways that we're connecting withourselves, with our children,
with our partners.
Josh Porthouse (09:26):
So I grew up in a household that I think I've
come to associate as, like thetime lords.
Reesa Morala (09:36):
Okay.
Josh Porthouse (09:47):
Where I didn't know any differently than my
only two options to exist wereeither living in the future or
living in the past.
And there wasn't, for my ownperception, at least in
perspective.
That was the present, that wasthe norm.
Like this is we.
We just worry about what we'redoing is going to impact
something later and how it can,whatever contingency and
consideration affect thisdecision-making process.
(10:08):
Or but think about everythingyou've already caused and done
and what's happened, and so onand so forth.
And so the present was thisconstant state of I don't know
analysis.
Maybe I don't know.
For me it just didn't quiteclick that there was any
individual, singular differenceas an identity of presence.
(10:32):
And so then, growing up, Ithink I adopted that to my own
perspective and then eventually,as a parent, it became my own
parenting style, because it was,I don't know it was just what I
knew.
It didn't even occur to me thatthere was any difference, so
there needed to be a difference,and so there was a handful of
(10:56):
medical issues when my son wasyounger that we had to contend
with.
But I was deployed, and so myex-wife was doing it on her own,
essentially as a single mom,some support from her family,
some support from my family, but, like you know, the ownership,
the responsibility was on her,and so the the toll that that
took, in addition to a few otherthings, in our case became
(11:18):
irreparable yeah and then we gotdivorced, right.
And so what about in thosecircumstances?
Like, sure, they can serve,these intentional moments can
serve to bring people togetheras a bonding experience, but,
like in that instance I meanthat was an intentional presence
out of necessity that actuallybased on how things had played
(11:40):
out, didn't it basically pushedus further apart.
Reesa Morala (11:45):
Yeah.
Josh Porthouse (11:45):
So I mean, is that common, Is that uncommon?
Reesa Morala (11:49):
I think that you know, maybe not in the exact
same way that you're talkingabout, because everybody's a
little bit unique, so to seethat you know somebody's walking
exactly in those shoes, I can'tnecessarily say that.
However, when we have thosereally trying moments,
absolutely I think that piece ofit's either going to be a
(12:13):
catalyst for bringing us closertogether or, more common of what
I see, is really testing thatand pushing us further apart and
pushing us further apart.
And that's part of the reason,you know, in the work that I do,
I do focus and I do allow spaceso much for the parents, the
(12:35):
ones that are working so hard totry to support these children,
to give them permission,essentially, to be able to pour
back into themselves and pourback into their relationships,
because it does allow us abetter capacity when these
external forces are reallytrying what's happening inside
our family system and being ableto kind of come together versus
having us turn away.
And so much so that you know,if we get in that habit of just
(12:59):
naturally we're going to turnaway, whether it's because for
me, you know, what I know isprocessing either I'm in the
future or I'm in the past.
It's really hard for me to kindof be in this moment, in a
present way.
You know, if that's somethingthat again, like you said,
that's all I know it can bereally hard to kind of go
(13:20):
internally and then our partner,our teammate, who's maybe going
to be our only source ofsupport because we, and then our
partner, our teammate, who'smaybe going to be our only
source of support because wedon't have a ton of community,
is further away.
Even if you're physically away,there's still opportunities that
we could turn towards eachother emotionally and connect.
But sometimes that's not ourinstinct, when again, that gut,
(13:43):
or maybe what we know, is kindof turning inwards and oh, I'll
figure it out, I've got to dothis kind of alone, and so we
don't necessarily share some ofthose struggles, because there's
a fear that if you see how muchI'm struggling, you won't want
to be with me anyways, or youwon't love me or you won't like
the things that I'm thinking,and so that instinct to kind of
(14:04):
turn away because we want toshield that person, well, when
we do that it by and large endsup tearing us apart and kind of
almost reaffirming some of thatnarrative.
And so I think there areopportunities, there are times
where maybe we do need to justsay, hey, I'm not sure what's
going on right now and I do needa minute to process things
(14:25):
alone, or I do need to kind ofwork through this.
I'm here, I want to come backto you, but then in those
moments again, we're allowingsome sort of touch together and
allowing us to work through someof those things that are really
trying.
Josh Porthouse (14:43):
Yeah, well, okay .
Reesa Morala (14:45):
Did I answer your question.
Josh Porthouse (14:46):
Yes, yes, yes.
So let's do this For, obviously, everybody who's new to the
show, unfamiliar with you orwell, or your show for that
matter, let's do this.
Where did you get thisexperience from?
Take a couple minutes.
Who are you?
Where are you from?
What sort of things arecontributing to your passion for
(15:09):
this?
Why are parents and couplesyour focus?
How did all this come about?
Reesa Morala (15:15):
So I grew up in what I would consider now an
environment with emotionallyimmature parents, so there was a
lot of chaos, a lot of abuse inmy home, and so that's what I
saw you talk about.
That's all I know.
(15:35):
All I know for me was survivingand figuring out what that was
going to look like.
How do I protect the youngerpeople that are around me, and
so that definitely took a tollon my own well-being, just
growing up and this is, I'mtalking, childhood 0 through 18
kind of deal, and so I'm theperson in that moment I ended up
(15:59):
getting really drawn intotheater, musical theater.
My undergrad, surprisinglyenough you wouldn't know it is
in musical theater, and so partof that really came, I think,
from the chaos that I was livingin at home.
I was looking for a way to justget some sort of relief, some
sort of escape, because I didn'tknow any better, and for me I'm
(16:21):
looking at it as this is mynorm, but this norm feels
incredibly uncomfortable andincredibly hurtful and painful
(16:46):
to be able to explore differentthings, have different
identities, maybe have adifferent life that wasn't quite
as chaotic as mine, or waschaotic, but in a very different
way, and so it allowed meopportunities to maybe see
things that I wasn't quiteseeing.
And then fast forward to the endof my college, my undergrad.
I was about to graduate and Igot a medical diagnosis that
(17:08):
took me out of the game forcontinuing on with musical
theater, and essentially, thedoctor said you can't handle
that, your body can't, and so Isaid, oh, my goodness, I just
spent four years of my undergradearning a degree in something
you're telling me I can't doanymore, and so I went forward
(17:28):
trying to figure out what plan Bwas.
It took me a little bit, but Igot there, and I got to a point
of figuring out what were someof the things that I really
enjoyed about theater as well,and how could I combine that
about things about my own life.
And so I was very fortunate Inmy undergrad I had access to the
on-campus counselor, who helpedreally change my life and
(17:51):
helped really give me adifferent perspective, and
finally was the first personthat told me hey, what you
experienced, that was not okay,that was not normal, and she
just blew my mind because, again, that's all I knew.
And so she really helped be acatalyst for my own personal
change in my own life and Ireally enjoyed.
(18:11):
One of the other things I reallyenjoyed aside from it being a
relief for myself or a placethat I could go, that was kind
of safe for me theater.
I also really loved when peopleafterwards, after the shows,
they would come up to me andthey would say, gosh, I was
having such a really rough dayand I was able to come to the
theater for just this couple ofhours.
I got to push pause and I gotto just take a little bit of
(18:35):
that load off.
That was so amazing.
Thank you so much for providingme that opportunity.
And so I started figuring outwell, hey, is there a way for me
to combine these two, combinesomeone who helped change my
life and also still provide someof that relief, but on a longer
basis?
And so that's what kind ofmoved me into theater.
(18:56):
But for me, what really helpedmy particular niche that I'm now
in in supporting couples andparents is that when I became a
parent, what all the work that Ithought I had done?
I had gone through my wholegrad program, you know.
I got tons of therapy myselfand I thought, cool, I'm, I'm, I
know exactly what I'm doing.
(19:16):
And then I became a parent,myself and my son also some.
My oldest um had some severehigh medical needs.
At age three months he stoppedeating altogether, would not eat
at all, not by bottle, not bybreast, nothing Stopped eating.
His weight drastically declined.
It was a very trying time andthat took so much toll on my own
(19:44):
mental wellness, on myrelationship wellness.
I remember there were periodswhere I was purely in survival
mode and I would justdisassociate in a way that there
was nothing there because thatwas so much safer than the state
that my mind was in and Ithought, gosh, there's not
enough support for us as parents, for my relationship in that
(20:10):
moment of someone who really gotwhat it's like as a parent to
support us in that way.
There was a lot of postpartum,but mine was yes, there were
some postpartum aspects, but itwas purely because of this big
catalyst moment that washappening in our life that we
weren't prepared for that.
We can actually be moreprepared to help these thriving
(20:49):
human beings or, hopefully,thriving future generations, wow
.
Josh Porthouse (20:55):
And how is your son now?
Reesa Morala (20:58):
So he is about to go into middle school this next
year, so we've made it Good,good, good, good.
Josh Porthouse (21:04):
Congratulations.
Reesa Morala (21:06):
Thank you.
Josh Porthouse (21:07):
Okay, good Now then.
So you talked about a couplethings that I think are
important to unpack in a littlebit more depth.
I mean, first of all, thedisassociation.
Do you think that was a resultof stress, a result of a defense
mechanism, a necessity, just aprocess at a pace you were more
(21:31):
mature or ready enough to handle?
What role do you think thatplayed?
Reesa Morala (21:37):
I think for me it was a little bit of column B and
a little bit of column C thatyou mentioned, the escapism.
That's what I had been doing,that's what I knew Growing up.
If we go back to theater,that's why it was my safe place.
It gave me an opportunity toescape.
I think in those moments againwhen things are really really
(21:58):
dark and it's hard to see alight at the end of the tunnel,
that's for me, some of thatdisassociation was.
That is so incredibly scarythat I have from my own survival
, my own, you know.
So I don't completely go offthe deep end, I have to just
(22:20):
numb out for a little bit andnot, you know, numb out for a
little bit and not think aboutthat.
And I think then, as a resultof that, because I got a little
bit of that relief, just forthat little tiny moment, it then
did allow me an opportunity tostart processing gosh.
This is really scary and Idon't know what to do and I'm
(22:42):
freaking out here.
Josh Porthouse (22:46):
Alrighty folks, if you're looking for more
perspective and more podcasts,you can check out Transacting
Value on Weeds Across AmericaRadio.
Listen in on iHeartRadio,odyssey and TuneIn.
Reesa Morala (22:59):
Then, as a result of that, because I got a little
bit of that relief just for thatlittle tiny moment it then did
allow me an opportunity to startprocessing gosh.
This is really scary and Idon't know what to do and I'm
I'm freaking out here did yousay that out loud?
Josh Porthouse (23:21):
not until much later yeah, did I allow myself
the permission to say that outloud yeah, because there's,
there's like this I don't know,it's a thing that happens,
whatever the thing is, it's just, it is a thing you know we're
like, once you say it out loud,it's real.
And I think that's when the well, I think that's when one of two
(23:45):
things kicks in one may be thefear or the futility, or sort of
the dark side of the forcestarts to creep in, or the
acceptance, the ownership, theproblem framing, maybe problem
solving, critical thought,discernment, good side of the
force starts to kick in, and I,I think that's that's a powerful
moment, though, and, like yousaid, the permission, like you
(24:07):
got to be ready for it, and ifyou're not ready, everything
just gets more complex orcompounds, I think in this
example, more towards the darkside than it does any other more
positive outcome.
And so how did you work throughit?
I mean, you eventuallyobviously got to a point where
(24:29):
you could process and workthrough things and take care of
it, but from what I assume, itwasn't like watching the wiggles
on repeat.
So what did it?
Reesa Morala (24:53):
I think for me it was when I did finally start
even just a little bit, sayingit out loud.
So some of for me I can't speakfor anybody else, but I know
for me, when I was in it, partof my brain is really good at
and I find with a lot of thefolks that I work with, our
brains can be really good atkind of spinning this narrative
that are usually kind of created.
You know archetypes throughoutour life, you know things that
(25:15):
we've experienced that kind ofcreate this belief.
And so when we're in thosereally dark moments, you know to
kind of say, hey, I'm freakingout and I have no idea what I'm
doing here.
One of my big narratives that Iwas fighting against was I had
this idea, I had been toldnumerous times because my
(25:36):
instinct with some of the thingsthat I had been through was
always to care for other people.
I was always kind of the motherin the group, if you will, and
so there was that narrative ofoh my goodness, you're going to
be such a good mother.
So there was that narrative ofoh my goodness, you're going to
be such a good mother.
And so here, all of a sudden,I've got this child, who you
know, basic need of eating, offeeding your child, I could not
(25:59):
do.
And so, all of a sudden, if Iwere to say I'm freaking out and
I don't know what I'm doinghere, it would be the complete
antithesis of this narrative ofoh my goodness, you'd be such a
great mother and I'd beadmitting just this failure.
And so for me, that saying outloud, that almost felt like an
(26:19):
admission of that failure.
And if you saw that failure youwouldn't want me to be the
mother of your child.
You know me thinking this aboutmy partner, because I can't
even do this basic thing ofgetting our child fed.
And so it wasn't really until Iwas able to have some of best
(26:53):
that I could do with what I hadand allowing myself just a
little bit of that grace, alittle bit of that
self-compassion to say maybethis voice inside that's telling
me I'm this horrible personisn't right and let me test it
(27:13):
out.
And so I would say just a littlebit of the thoughts that were
happening in my head.
And it was each time that Isaid that and I was able to be
received by my partner not withthat judgmental that you know
nest that my head was convincingme was going to happen and, a
little bit at a time, I was ableto replace some of that
(27:36):
narrative by my ownself-compassion for myself and
by seeing some of thatcompassion come at me from some
of the people that were aroundwhether that be from my partner
or some of the people that werearound, whether that be from my
partner or some of the peoplethat were in my community that
those really loud voices weren'twere telling me lies at that
(28:00):
point, even though I wasconvinced they were telling me
truths.
Josh Porthouse (28:05):
Yeah, yeah.
What do you suppose that'sbased on?
Because it wasn't untilhindsight, when, like you just
said, it actually wasn't true,but in the present moment it was
, or at least it seemed that way, right.
So what pattern do you think?
Well, the archetypes that youmentioned were rooted in.
Reesa Morala (28:31):
I think, honestly, is rooted in what I find for
most people, in our brain's wayof trying to protect us in some
way shape or form.
Because, again, if I were insituations in the past, which I
was, where some of thosenarratives were fed, even if it
was just a little bit, even ifit wasn't intentional, it was
this idea was placed in front ofme that, hey, if you can't live
up to it and again I know forme personally, because of some
(28:54):
of the abusive natures in myhome, that was some of the
narrative that if I didn't dothings exactly the right way, in
the perfect way, there wasreally dire consequences.
And so then there became thatvery rigid either I'm perfect or
I'm not, and if I'm not perfect, that has a ton of consequences
.
That's what was fed.
(29:15):
And so then each time as Icontinue to live life, for me,
that monster, if I mess up, evenjust a little bit and there was
someone who was maybefrustrated with me I took that
instead of just saying you know,they, they feel frustrated and
they're completely entitled totheir frustration my monster,
who is already building, who isalready growing, goes.
(29:37):
See, there you go, they're,they're not happy, there's the
consequences.
So now I just fed that monster.
It gets even bigger, and so, asas we continue, and as we
continue to filter our lifethrough that lens, it gets
stronger and stronger andstronger.
So then, when you do reach thesepoints where it's really
challenging our brain, you knowit's trying to protect us, it
(30:01):
doesn't want us to fail.
So then it says, okay, goinside yourself, or here, pull
away, or here do these things,because if we don't let people
see that you're failing, they'llstay, and we want so
desperately for you to havesomeone in your life stay.
So here we're going to do theseother things, these pull aways,
or this withdrawing, because ifI withdraw, then they won't get
(30:26):
to see that, and then theywon't leave me, they'll stay,
maybe they'll stay, and so Ithink for many people, it comes
from our brain again, in someway, shape or form, trying to
protect us.
The way that it's going about,though, is kind of creating
these really loud voices that,hey, if you don't do it this way
(30:47):
, this other way, it's going tocause a lot of heartache, and so
it makes the voices louder, andso it makes a truce by that
point, because it's so well-fed.
Josh Porthouse (30:57):
Yeah, yeah, that's what it sounds like for
sure.
Now, saying that, though, Ihave a working theory that where
our identity is generallygrounded, despite all of the
chaos and the whirlwind ofemotions and circumstance and
everything that can make ourlives a bit more complex, a lot
(31:19):
more complex, is our characterand our value systems.
That ground our character, andI think our values are sort of a
shortcut to identity, but italso helps us identify how we
want to then take ownership andconsciously transact our
(31:41):
cognition into our behaviors,into our actions, to then repeat
the cycle and reinforce somepositivity and so on.
I think the values are thetorque in that process, and so
this is a segment of the showcalled developing character.
D d d, developing character, andit's two questions, not to, uh,
blindside you here, but answerthem as as vulnerability or
(32:05):
authentic as you want, it's upyou, but it's about your value
systems, because it's such acool phenomenon.
I think that you're describingright now that, despite all of
the trauma or setbacks or anyand every aspect growing up of
your perspective, you stillturned out like this able to
(32:26):
handle and rely on yourself andbe proud and find joy despite
all those things.
So my first question is rootedin the past.
What were some of the valuesthen that you were actually
raised on or that you rememberbeing brought up around?
Reesa Morala (32:43):
In the past.
I probably would say thosevalues look somewhere along the
lines of respecting authorityand in that aspect it was, you
know, the parents or, andespecially in the way that I was
brought up, the church.
That was a big authority, and Iwould also maybe say kind of
(33:13):
this I don't know that it wasnecessarily something that was
passed down to me.
However, it was.
Something I think was rewardedin me is the people pleasing is
a value of pleasing others.
Josh Porthouse (33:27):
Okay, and then, over time I mean now, a few
decades later at least you'velearned, you've grown, you've
experienced, and whether or notthose have stayed there on some
level or scale or scope, I'msure they've been influenced to
some degree.
So what about now?
What are some of your valuespresently, then?
Reesa Morala (33:45):
so I think the best way to describe my values
is what I ask my children to goforth in their day.
Every single day, in themorning, when I drop them off at
school, I ask them please usekindness, love and respect, and
I think those are the threethings that really outline my
(34:06):
current values.
It's that, yes, respect, butit's not just to authority
figures, it's respect to all, nomatter the age, no matter what
they look like.
It's just going forth andreally emulating.
How can we treat others withthe respect that they deserve,
just because they're humanbeings and they're alive?
(34:27):
And what does it look like totreat someone with just complete
, you know, unconditional loveand kindness, and doing it as
well?
I think the biggest lesson I'vehad to learn is doing it to
myself as well Is treatingmyself with the same
unconditional love and kindnessas others.
Josh Porthouse (34:49):
Alrighty, folks sit tight and we'll be right
back on Transacting Value.
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Reesa Morala (36:00):
I think the biggest lesson I've had to learn
is doing it to myself as wellas treating myself with the same
unconditional love and kindnessas others.
Josh Porthouse (36:04):
Yeah, that's a pill.
Some days that's difficult,that's a lot and, you know, not
for nothing, though I think somedays that's uphill, just
because we lack the awarenessLike, I thought I was treating
myself pretty good.
I slept in, I took a showerthis morning, I worked out, I
had some coffee, I even atebreakfast this morning.
It's a pretty good day for me.
(36:25):
Meanwhile, the whole timeyou're like God, I wasted all
that time when I could have beendoing other things or you know,
and you just beat yourself downunwittingly and I think.
I think that self-awareness isdifficult to come by.
So when you're talking aboutrespecting authority, for
example, or even just pleasingother people, let alone loving
(36:47):
people and being kind andrespecting other people, let
alone loving people and beingkind and respecting other people
, are they always good?
The impacts, the implicationsof these values, do you think?
Or understanding these valuesand having an awareness of them
Can it be bad?
Should we strive to change them?
Should we just accept them andsee how we apply them in the
(37:09):
future?
I mean, what role have they hadfor you overall?
Reesa Morala (37:13):
I think that, inherently, you know, values are
there again as a way to try toguide us in some way that
doesn't serve the end goal thatwe want for ourselves, that we
(37:33):
want for our family systems.
I think that's where some ofthat flexing and maybe what that
value looks like can happen.
That's probably one of thenumber one things I talk about
with my couples is are thereways that we can get creative?
Because sometimes, again, if welook at, for example, the
(37:54):
people-pleasing one, could thatlook like if I'm making sure
that everybody is happy andeverybody is pleased, is that
indeed me treating them withlove and kindness?
Well, yes, to some degree.
Maybe some of them are the same.
However, it's not necessarilytreating myself with love and
(38:15):
kindness.
So are there ways that I canstill be in alignment with that
love and that kindness, whilealso making sure to balance
myself in there as well?
And so sometimes that does meansaying no to that extra
commitment, because in thatmoment, if I continue to say yes
, I'm a person again.
I've got that instinct topeople, please.
(38:37):
So I have that instinct to sayyes to everything that's going
to be treating them withkindness.
They need me to go above andbeyond and to exert myself way
beyond my capacity.
At the same time, it leaves mewithout a whole lot of love for
myself and a lot less kindnessfor myself also my family
(38:58):
Because when I'm at my maxcapacity and I have nothing left
, the likelihood that I'mtreating others, especially the
people that are closest to me,with all the love and kindness
that I know I'm capable ofothers, especially the people
that are closest to me, with allthe love and kindness that I
know I'm capable of, drasticallydecreases.
And so now, at that moment.
are there ways that I can getcreative of how can I move
forward and still showing themlove that hey, I'm here, I'm
(39:21):
still showing up for you.
I want to support you.
There might be some limits ontowhat that looks like.
I can't give you 24-7 of mytime.
Maybe I can get creative ongiving you an hour and that is
still me giving to you.
It's just getting a little bitcreative on what it looks like.
Josh Porthouse (39:41):
Yeah, fostering that understanding I guess helps
too, because then you have tocommunicate it, especially if
the pattern is you know, thefirst, first 18 years, your time
is your parents, basically youknow what I mean, like you're
doing what you're doing, butthey're allowing you to do it,
so it's not quite the same,right.
But then when you get a bitolder, you maybe haven't changed
(40:03):
much, but you got tocommunicate it to people that
the you they think you are maynot be the you who you actually
are as you gain self-awarenessand respect for yourself and
whatever applies.
Got to communicate it to peoplethat the you they think you are
may not be the you who youactually are as you gain
self-awareness and respect foryourself and whatever applies.
That communication, I think, istricky.
So how do you do it?
I mean, you work with couplesall the time where one party
(40:25):
neglects the other neglectsthemselves, both neglect each
other and, like, how do youbridge that?
Working on the communication,the egos, the, the resilience,
everything.
But what's the strategy to workon communication then?
Reesa Morala (40:40):
so I like to use, especially when we're starting
out, a formula, if you will, andit starts with an I feel, and
we're putting it in an emotionword, because, again, when we
start sentences, so much of ourtendency is to say what we're
noticing the other person isn'tdoing, how they're not showing
(41:01):
up for us in that moment in time.
So we usually start thesentences with you and most
people's instincts, the minutethey hear the word you come out
of their someone else's mouth,is like let me get ready to
fight.
And most people's instincts,the minute they hear the word
you come out of their someoneelse's mouth, is like let me get
ready to fight.
And they, literally they puttheir hands up and they're
getting ready to go to war.
And so really, it's finding waysto start your sentences and
really owning what you'refeeling in that moment and not
(41:24):
going with the.
You made me feel you know somany of us we go oh, you made me
feel sad One that gives away somuch of your power.
And then, two, let's take someownership and some
responsibility, validateourselves by saying this is the
emotional experience that I'mhaving and guess what?
It's okay for me to feel thesethings.
So we're starting with I feel,and we add an emotion word, as
(41:48):
many emotions as you can name,and the more that we name them,
they grow a little bit smaller,they have a little less
overpowering power over us.
And then we follow it aboutwhat?
And we stick with the facts.
I think as a society we're sogood at.
The flavorful words is what Ilike to call them, of peppering,
(42:09):
in our opinion, on somebodyelse's behaviors, instead of
just going with the facts.
Facts that you could take intoa room, you know, take a cue
from the lawyers, you know youwant to go in there with facts
that all jurors are going to bein agreement.
That's what happened.
But the minute we start adding,like pepper, peppering it with
those flavorful words of youknow you slammed the door or you
(42:32):
yelled at so-and-so.
That's now someone's opinion,that people can disagree.
Is that really what yelling is?
Is that really what slam thedoor is?
You know, I mean talk abouttalking with, with teenagers.
You know they're going to pullapart every bit of our sentences
.
So, just sticking with thosefacts and then really following
it up with the I needs reallydigging down deep.
(42:55):
What is it that you need in themoment?
And then it's not a need oflike.
I need you to just stop itright, because again we want
someone to receive us and whatwe're saying, but really I would
.
I need to feel loved, or I'dlove to feel seen in this moment
, and then ending it with whatit would look like if that need
(43:16):
was met, because again I couldgo up to someone and say, hey, I
need to feel loved, and theperson looking at me is going
what do you think I've beendoing?
Because their version of lovelooks different than mine, and
so now we're missing each otheragain, and so instead, not only
am I going to own what my needsare, but I'm going to tell you,
(43:37):
I'm going to give you a roadmapon exactly how to meet them in a
way that lands for me as ohgosh, my needs are met.
And then, all of a sudden,we've set our partner up for
success in meeting our needs,because we just gave them a map,
a literal map, and here's howto go from point A to point B.
And they're like cool, now Ihave something to work with.
Great, thank you.
And then we've just setourselves up for success because
(44:00):
it increases the chance thatour needs are going to get met
drastically.
Josh Porthouse (44:11):
And then, though I'm sure you also run into
people, people and I see themall the time as well reason I'm
not doing that, that's dumb.
I've been with them for adecade.
They should know me by now.
Well enough, it's fine.
I don't need to, I don't needto talk that way, or I'm not
gonna say that I feel likethat's dumb.
I'm a man, okay, I don't haveto talk about that.
Right, that stuff happens allthe time.
Oh yeah so, but you're saying Ifeel frustrated about you saying
(44:36):
these things may not be asinflammatory as, uh, I feel
frustrated when you do thesethings Right.
So the about makes thedifference.
Reesa Morala (44:45):
It's the about and it's the facts.
So if, if you're going to saywhat someone else said, it's
verbatimatim, that text message,right, we're not adding
(45:11):
anything else to it, becausethen no one can refute that.
Okay, yeah, that happened.
Josh Porthouse (45:17):
Well, I've had attorneys try to play, you know,
we'll see.
But okay, let's say, yeah,let's say you can't refute text.
Reesa Morala (45:25):
Well, it's harder.
I should say, not that youcan't, it's harder yeah yeah,
all right.
Josh Porthouse (45:30):
So, yeah, I feel frustrated about this
particular issue.
I need what I need you tounderstand better, because you
never listen to what I'm saying.
That's probably not what youmean.
Reesa Morala (45:41):
Yeah, in that instance, I would love to feel
understood.
Yeah, or?
I'd like to feel understood.
And when I feel understood, itlooks like this and then we give
them that roadmap.
Maybe it's the eye contact, ormaybe it's the validation I hear
you, or hey, I can appreciatewhere you're coming from.
And now we've given them stepson how to say, on how to receive
(46:04):
us in an understood way.
Josh Porthouse (46:07):
Okay, so I'm identifying here.
There's different levels tothis conversation, because it
sounds like exactly the samewords when you're both really
angry and that makes it worse.
But if you use exactly thesesame words when both people are
at a zero to sort of normalbaseline, you can actually make
some progress.
Reesa Morala (46:26):
It does absolutely .
So.
I think you made a really greatpoint of making sure that both
parties are in the capacity tobe able to have a conversation,
because if we're pushing and oneor both of you are emotionally
flooded, nothing's coming in.
In fact, there's plenty ofresearch to show that our
frontal lobe that does our logicand our rational thinking is
(46:50):
offline.
And so if you're flooded, yeah,you need most people need a
minimum of 20 minutes of activeself-soothing.
I'm not talking doom scrolling,avoidance, I'm talking active
self-soothing to be able toactually come down from a place
of flooding and have theirfrontal lobe online.
(47:12):
So you don't necessarily haveto be at a zero for us to now
use this formula, but we can'tbe kind of higher than a five in
that moment.
It's not going to be productive, no matter what you say.
Josh Porthouse (47:25):
Yeah, yeah, okay , all right.
So I think, actually, for thesake of time, this is probably
one of my last two questions,but so I think then, what's
important here to to note is itis possible to work through some
of these things even when thestressors are ridiculous, that
you don't need to lose yourselfin the process.
(47:46):
Lose yourself in the process.
Even if you lose yourself inthe moment, it's recoverable as
a couple, as an individual, notthe end 100% Repair attempts are
always welcome.
Yeah, okay, all right, and sothen, what kind of process, I
(48:08):
guess, do you use or do yourecommend now, having heard the
impact some of your values havehad on your perspective and your
process and your growth andrecovery throughout this whole
process, let alone for yourfamily and your partner and
everybody else involved?
What is your process?
Do you think to actuallytransact your values into sort
(48:30):
of a physical space orbehavioral space and and get
some resonance out of them andfind some meaning in them or
clarity or purpose in them?
Reesa Morala (48:39):
yeah, so for me, um, it takes a lot of
self-reflection I I probablycan't tell you the number of
times I'm self-reflecting to tryto really beef up my insight
and my awareness of myself andhow I'm moving about throughout
the day, and I'm an internalprocessor, so I do that all in
(49:01):
my brain.
I'm not a talk it out kind ofperson.
That's a growth pain, if youwill, that my partner and I had
to go through because he's verymuch an external processor and I
get overwhelmed by lots ofwords coming at me.
So I'm a person who I'minternally processing fairly
(49:21):
frequently throughout the day.
It's also for me, my process istaking ownership for me of the
things that maybe I didn't do asgreat as I could have.
As I know I have the capabilityand taking a little bit of Not a
little bit Taking a lot ofownership of that really, and
(49:42):
then also doing it, though froma compassionate way.
That takes a lot of work, as wetalked about, I'm really good
at highlighting my, my, Icritiquing myself, if you will,
and so it's really practicingsome of that self-compassion and
then also, if there'sopportunities for me to make
those repair attempts, comingback, having some of the
(50:04):
humility and love for thoseother people and being able to
say, hey, you know what, thisdidn't quite align with me, and
if I have an answer, then maybeI'll give them some of my
thoughts on how I'm going to beworking, moving forward If I
don't being able to workshopthat, even if it's with my
children.
I can't tell you the number oftimes I've gone with my children
and be like I am learning thistoo, and so I did not do that to
(50:27):
the best of my capacity andthat you deserve so much more.
I don't know if I know exactlyhow to do this right.
Do you have some thoughts onwhat would work best for you?
And we sit there and wecollaborate on it, and so, for
me, one of the ways again that Ikind of try to move towards
that value system is reallyhaving that open dialogue, being
(50:49):
able to know that it's okay forme to say I don't quite know
what I'm doing here, it's notaligning.
I know something's off, I don'tknow if I quite know how to fix
it, and using some of thosepeople around me to help me
workshop it so that I can beable to try it again tomorrow
and try my best to just show upin those ways, in the love, in
(51:13):
the kindness, in the respect foreverybody, and there are days
that I don't get it right.
And I make the apologies, and Imake it with an actionable
apology, not just the words, butreally showing up and trying it
again.
Yeah, oh, that's important too.
Yeah, like you said, grace goesa it again.
Josh Porthouse (51:30):
Yeah, oh, that's important too.
Yeah, like you said, grace goesa long way.
Reesa Morala (51:34):
Yeah.
Josh Porthouse (51:35):
So okay, before we get out of here, if people
want to find more out about yourshow, get in touch with you as
clients find out about any moreinformation or resources.
Can you walk us through in acouple minutes about the Real
Family Eats and where people cango to get in touch with you and
find some of these resources?
Reesa Morala (51:53):
Absolutely so.
The Real Family Eats you canfind us on YouTube, on all major
podcasting platforms.
There's the audio as well.
Or if you're a visual person,there's the YouTube where you
can see us.
And again, as you mentioned atthe beginning, it's real parents
.
We are getting rid of thatperfect parent facade that
(52:16):
society likes to put out there.
We're talking about realstruggles, figuring out and
really normalizing that.
This thing is hard, it's reallyhard, and try to help people
feel a little less alone in it.
At the same time bonus theguests that are on my show.
They're teaching me a favoriterecipe, one that they've tried,
that they love, and so otherparents can add to their
(52:39):
repertoire.
Because we're busy parents.
Sometimes it's trying to thinkof what we're having for dinner
or what we're going to make isjust one more thing to our
really long list.
So instead you can havesomebody else say hey, this is
really good, why don't you tryit tonight?
So you don't have to thinkabout that anymore.
And again, that's under the RealFamily Eats and any of my other
(53:01):
services you can find onembracerenewaltherapycom.
And if you're in the state ofCalifornia or want to come down
to the state of California for aweekend.
I do provide couples therapyintensives and couples therapy
weekly as well, depending onwhere you're at.
And then I do have workshopsthat I offer, and some of those
(53:23):
are virtual, so they can be foranybody worldwide pretty much,
and that can all be found on mywebsite.
Josh Porthouse (53:30):
Cool.
Well, and also for anybodywho's new to our show, you can
go to transactingvaluepodcastcomor whatever player you're
streaming this conversation onclick see more.
Click show more.
And in the show notesdescription of this conversation
you'll see links to the RealFamily Eats and, obviously,
reese's website at EmbraceRenewal Therapy as well.
(53:53):
I love it.
I love what you're doing.
I love your message.
I really appreciate theopportunity to help showcase it
and make people more aware of it.
So, like I said in thebeginning, I appreciate your
time, but now that theconversation's over, I
appreciate your perspective aswell.
That was awesome, so thank you.
Reesa Morala (54:13):
Yes, thank you so much again for having me.
I appreciate it very much.
Josh Porthouse (54:18):
Absolutely, and to everybody else.
Thank you guys for tuning intoour show.
Like I said, if you want tohear more about this
conversation or any of our otherconversations, go to
transactingvaluepodcastcom.
On the top right corner of thehomepage you can click leave a
voicemail.
That's two minutes of time toyou, leave an audio file, let us
know what you think of the show.
But, more importantly right now, let Risa know what you think
(54:41):
about her message.
Give her some feedback, guys.
Drop us a voicemail.
We'll forward it on to her andget everybody in touch and you
guys can also learn how tobetter transact some of the
values she talked about as well.
I love it.
I appreciate your timeEverybody listening and watching
this show.
I appreciate you guys tuning inas well, but until next time.
That was Transacting Value.
Thank you to our show partnersand folks.
(55:05):
Thank you for tuning in andappreciating our value as we all
grow through life together.
To check out our otherconversations or even to
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and to let us know what youthink of the show, please leave
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(55:25):
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(55:47):
honor and teach the value offreedom for future generations.
On behalf of our team and ourglobal ambassadors, as you all
strive to establish clarity andpurpose, ensure social
tranquility and secure theblessings of liberty or
individual sovereignty ofcharacter for yourselves and
your posterity, we will continueinstigating self-worth and
(56:07):
we'll meet you there Until nexttime.
That was Transacting Value.
The views expressed in this podcast are
solely those of the podcast hostand guest and do not
necessarily represent those ofour distribution partners,
supporting businessrelationships or supported
audience.
Welcome to Transacting Value,where we talk about practical
(00:22):
applications for instigatingself-worth when dealing with
each other and even withinourselves, where we foster a
podcast listening experiencethat lets you hear the power of
a value system for managingburnout, establishing boundaries
, fostering community andfinding identity.
My name is Josh Porthouse, I'myour host and we are redefining
sovereignty of character.
(00:42):
This is why values still holdvalue.
This is Transacting Value.
Reesa Morala (00:49):
Yes, respect, but it's not just to authority
figures, it's respect to all, nomatter the age, no matter what
they look like.
It's just going forth andreally emulating.
How can we treat others withthe respect that they deserve,
just because they're humanbeings and they're alive.
Josh Porthouse (01:09):
Today on Transacting Value.
How does prioritizing you andyour relationship become so
important as parents whendiscovering your own identity?
Well, it's complicated.
Long-distance to end a strangerelationship seems to be the
hallmark of all high-stressoccupational marriages.
So how do we embrace for impact?
(01:29):
Risa Murala, owner of EmbraceRenewal Therapy, licensed
marriage and family therapistand host of the Real Family Eats
, is here to talk all about it.
I'm Josh Porthouse, I'm yourhost and from SDYT Media.
This is Transacting Value.
Carissa, how are you doing?
Reesa Morala (01:50):
I'm doing pretty well.
How about yourself?
Josh Porthouse (01:53):
I'm good.
I'm good.
And first let me say I have toassume you've got a busy life,
you're a licensed therapist,you're a parent yourself and
you've got your own things.
You've got to take care ofhobbies, preferences, quiet time
, whatever you need.
So thanks for lending some ofit here to come on the show.
(02:13):
I appreciate it.
Reesa Morala (02:15):
Yes, absolutely.
Thank you very much for havingme.
Josh Porthouse (02:18):
Absolutely.
Now you said a couple thingsbefore we recorded that I think
are really interesting, a couplethings before we recorded that
I think are really interesting.
Reesa Morala (02:27):
First off, as a parent, and correct me if I'm
wrong.
It's okay to prioritizeyourself over your kids.
A hundred percent, in fact.
I think it's necessary in orderfor us to create a thriving
family system that I think mostparents want for their family,
for their life.
Josh Porthouse (02:46):
Okay, well, let's qualify this then how do
you define a thriving familysystem?
Reesa Morala (02:53):
So for me, the way that I like to describe it is
we're moving out of thatsurvival mode where we're purely
reactive to what's happening.
We are thinking things arecoming at us and there's really
no game plan, there's reallynothing in place.
And then thriving is moving usto a place where we have a
(03:13):
little bit more capacity toactually be present and be
enjoying what's happening andenjoying the joy that's
happening.
So much of parenthood, it'sfleeting, it's fast, and if we
are in survival mode we aremissing so much of it because we
are purely just trying to catchthe bullets as they're coming
(03:34):
and hope that we can keep up, ifyou will.
And so thriving is reallymoving us out of that place of
just catching bullets and reallybeing able to be in it and to
really just soak it all up,because as the minutes pass, any
parent out there gosh, it goesby so fast.
Josh Porthouse (03:56):
I heard this before and I can't remember who
said it, but we basically have18 years to help raise the next
generation, and this is ageneric baseline, obviously but
to help raise the nextgeneration to be prepared for
the next 80.
That's a tall order.
So how do you ensure thatthere's enough time to relax and
(04:19):
enjoy the present?
Reesa Morala (04:21):
That's a great question, because you're
absolutely right and I think,when you put it in that
perspective, I think that's partof the reason why so many
parents, we kind of get caughtup in that monumental pressure
of, oh my goodness, I only havethese 18 years to make this
really big dent in somebodyelse's life and so I need to put
(04:42):
everything, all my stuff, allof my issues I got to put on the
back burner because this personis dependent on me and I only
have so much time to get it allin there.
And so I think that and Ihighlight that because it's not
coming from a place of trying toshame or say we're doing
something wrong I think it trulycomes from this very internal
(05:03):
place of just wanting to helpthis person be the best that
they can be.
And so, in reality, time isgoing fast and we are busy as
parents, and so some of that iscreating boundaries and creating
limits, of really figuring outwill it be okay if they don't
play every single sportunderneath the sun?
(05:24):
I think they will be if thatallows us, if that allows us,
though, just one more day in ourweekend where we're not having
to cart the kids around to anearly morning game, so that we
can sit, maybe in our PJs, andhave a brunch and be able to
just enjoy each other, enjoyourselves, enjoy our
(05:45):
relationship with a parentpartner Gosh.
I think, in the grand scheme ofthings, it's so worth it.
Josh Porthouse (05:52):
But now, what about the flip side then of that
point where making time for thekids is the luxury I mean?
For example, I just got off myactive duty contract in the
Marine Corps about a year ago,and up to that point I mean it
was 15 years of.
You guys don't get a say right,you get an opinion and we can
(06:16):
talk through some of thosethings when they got old enough.
You know, and, however, anyother families address these
considerations.
But generally speaking, if oneof you, or in some cases even
both of you, have to contendwith some of these military
contracts, or you know yourpolice officers, who else?
(06:36):
Firefighters, teachers, lawyers, nurses, doctors, I mean it's
all the same sort of parallelright, like, I can't make it to
your game this weekend, bud, Igot to work.
What about then?
How do you ensure that there'sstill inclusivity and some
degree of boundaries when youdon't necessarily have control
over where those boundaries fall?
Reesa Morala (06:57):
Yeah, I think some of that is getting creative on
what the time that you do have,the time that is available, what
that actually looks like, andbeing intentional about it and
prioritizing it, and so some ofthat is going to, in my
experience, at least in thefolks that I work with as well.
Some of that is maybe it is justa couple minutes of let's have
(07:20):
a dance party, let's put thephones away, let's put the
devices away, and let's put thedevices away and let's just turn
on just a music and just startmoving our bodies.
I don't have a ton of time, butI can take a couple minutes, and
so is that an option wheremaybe, instead of taking the
10-minute toilet break with ourphone, we take an eight-minute
break and we come out and wejust have that couple of minutes
(07:43):
of intentional time.
Or if they are, let's say,they're feeling sad that you
have to leave and you aremissing one of their games,
being able to just that coupleminutes, yeah I am totally
feeling sad to you and gettingon their level and relating to
that emotion, the connectionthat we're able to make in that
moment, can actually do so muchmore in rebuilding and securing
(08:09):
that attachment and thatrelationship.
They don't need us there 100%of the time.
You know, life is real.
We've got to put food on thetable, and sometimes that
includes a job that doesn'tprovide us the luxury of, and
tons of time at home.
It's making the time that we dohave very intentional, very
(08:30):
meaningful in the ways thatwe're connecting with ourselves,
with our children, with ourpartners.
Josh Porthouse (08:38):
Alrighty, folks sit tight and we'll be right
back on Transacting Value.
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Reesa Morala (09:14):
It's making the time that we do have very
intentional, very meaningful inthe ways that we're connecting
with ourselves, with ourchildren, with our partners, the
ways that we're connecting withourselves, with our children,
with our partners.
Josh Porthouse (09:26):
So I grew up in a household that I think I've
come to associate as, like thetime lords.
Reesa Morala (09:36):
Okay.
Josh Porthouse (09:47):
Where I didn't know any differently than my
only two options to exist wereeither living in the future or
living in the past.
And there wasn't, for my ownperception, at least in
perspective.
That was the present, that wasthe norm.
Like this is we.
We just worry about what we'redoing is going to impact
something later and how it can,whatever contingency and
consideration affect thisdecision-making process.
(10:08):
Or but think about everythingyou've already caused and done
and what's happened, and so onand so forth.
And so the present was thisconstant state of I don't know
analysis.
Maybe I don't know.
For me it just didn't quiteclick that there was any
individual, singular differenceas an identity of presence.
(10:32):
And so then, growing up, Ithink I adopted that to my own
perspective and then eventually,as a parent, it became my own
parenting style, because it was,I don't know it was just what I
knew.
It didn't even occur to me thatthere was any difference, so
there needed to be a difference,and so there was a handful of
(10:56):
medical issues when my son wasyounger that we had to contend
with.
But I was deployed, and so myex-wife was doing it on her own,
essentially as a single mom,some support from her family,
some support from my family, but, like you know, the ownership,
the responsibility was on her,and so the the toll that that
took, in addition to a few otherthings, in our case became
(11:18):
irreparable yeah and then we gotdivorced, right.
And so what about in thosecircumstances?
Like, sure, they can serve,these intentional moments can
serve to bring people togetheras a bonding experience, but,
like in that instance I meanthat was an intentional presence
out of necessity that actuallybased on how things had played
(11:40):
out, didn't it basically pushedus further apart.
Reesa Morala (11:45):
Yeah.
Josh Porthouse (11:45):
So I mean, is that common, Is that uncommon?
Reesa Morala (11:49):
I think that you know, maybe not in the exact
same way that you're talkingabout, because everybody's a
little bit unique, so to seethat you know somebody's walking
exactly in those shoes, I can'tnecessarily say that.
However, when we have thosereally trying moments,
absolutely I think that piece ofit's either going to be a
(12:13):
catalyst for bringing us closertogether or, more common of what
I see, is really testing thatand pushing us further apart and
pushing us further apart.
And that's part of the reason,you know, in the work that I do,
I do focus and I do allow spaceso much for the parents, the
(12:35):
ones that are working so hard totry to support these children,
to give them permission,essentially, to be able to pour
back into themselves and pourback into their relationships,
because it does allow us abetter capacity when these
external forces are reallytrying what's happening inside
our family system and being ableto kind of come together versus
having us turn away.
And so much so that you know,if we get in that habit of just
(12:59):
naturally we're going to turnaway, whether it's because for
me, you know, what I know isprocessing either I'm in the
future or I'm in the past.
It's really hard for me to kindof be in this moment, in a
present way.
You know, if that's somethingthat again, like you said,
that's all I know it can bereally hard to kind of go
(13:20):
internally and then our partner,our teammate, who's maybe going
to be our only source ofsupport because we, and then our
partner, our teammate, who'smaybe going to be our only
source of support because wedon't have a ton of community,
is further away.
Even if you're physically away,there's still opportunities that
we could turn towards eachother emotionally and connect.
But sometimes that's not ourinstinct, when again, that gut,
(13:43):
or maybe what we know, is kindof turning inwards and oh, I'll
figure it out, I've got to dothis kind of alone, and so we
don't necessarily share some ofthose struggles, because there's
a fear that if you see how muchI'm struggling, you won't want
to be with me anyways, or youwon't love me or you won't like
the things that I'm thinking,and so that instinct to kind of
(14:04):
turn away because we want toshield that person, well, when
we do that it by and large endsup tearing us apart and kind of
almost reaffirming some of thatnarrative.
And so I think there areopportunities, there are times
where maybe we do need to justsay, hey, I'm not sure what's
going on right now and I do needa minute to process things
(14:25):
alone, or I do need to kind ofwork through this.
I'm here, I want to come backto you, but then in those
moments again, we're allowingsome sort of touch together and
allowing us to work through someof those things that are really
trying.
Josh Porthouse (14:43):
Yeah, well, okay .
Reesa Morala (14:45):
Did I answer your question.
Josh Porthouse (14:46):
Yes, yes, yes.
So let's do this For, obviously, everybody who's new to the
show, unfamiliar with you orwell, or your show for that
matter, let's do this.
Where did you get thisexperience from?
Take a couple minutes.
Who are you?
Where are you from?
What sort of things arecontributing to your passion for
(15:09):
this?
Why are parents and couplesyour focus?
How did all this come about?
Reesa Morala (15:15):
So I grew up in what I would consider now an
environment with emotionallyimmature parents, so there was a
lot of chaos, a lot of abuse inmy home, and so that's what I
saw you talk about.
That's all I know.
(15:35):
All I know for me was survivingand figuring out what that was
going to look like.
How do I protect the youngerpeople that are around me, and
so that definitely took a tollon my own well-being, just
growing up and this is, I'mtalking, childhood 0 through 18
kind of deal, and so I'm theperson in that moment I ended up
(15:59):
getting really drawn intotheater, musical theater.
My undergrad, surprisinglyenough you wouldn't know it is
in musical theater, and so partof that really came, I think,
from the chaos that I was livingin at home.
I was looking for a way to justget some sort of relief, some
sort of escape, because I didn'tknow any better, and for me I'm
(16:21):
looking at it as this is mynorm, but this norm feels
incredibly uncomfortable andincredibly hurtful and painful
(16:46):
to be able to explore differentthings, have different
identities, maybe have adifferent life that wasn't quite
as chaotic as mine, or waschaotic, but in a very different
way, and so it allowed meopportunities to maybe see
things that I wasn't quiteseeing.
And then fast forward to the endof my college, my undergrad.
I was about to graduate and Igot a medical diagnosis that
(17:08):
took me out of the game forcontinuing on with musical
theater, and essentially, thedoctor said you can't handle
that, your body can't, and so Isaid, oh, my goodness, I just
spent four years of my undergradearning a degree in something
you're telling me I can't doanymore, and so I went forward
(17:28):
trying to figure out what plan Bwas.
It took me a little bit, but Igot there, and I got to a point
of figuring out what were someof the things that I really
enjoyed about theater as well,and how could I combine that
about things about my own life.
And so I was very fortunate Inmy undergrad I had access to the
on-campus counselor, who helpedreally change my life and
(17:51):
helped really give me adifferent perspective, and
finally was the first personthat told me hey, what you
experienced, that was not okay,that was not normal, and she
just blew my mind because, again, that's all I knew.
And so she really helped be acatalyst for my own personal
change in my own life and Ireally enjoyed.
(18:11):
One of the other things I reallyenjoyed aside from it being a
relief for myself or a placethat I could go, that was kind
of safe for me theater.
I also really loved when peopleafterwards, after the shows,
they would come up to me andthey would say, gosh, I was
having such a really rough dayand I was able to come to the
theater for just this couple ofhours.
I got to push pause and I gotto just take a little bit of
(18:35):
that load off.
That was so amazing.
Thank you so much for providingme that opportunity.
And so I started figuring outwell, hey, is there a way for me
to combine these two, combinesomeone who helped change my
life and also still provide someof that relief, but on a longer
basis?
And so that's what kind ofmoved me into theater.
(18:56):
But for me, what really helpedmy particular niche that I'm now
in in supporting couples andparents is that when I became a
parent, what all the work that Ithought I had done?
I had gone through my wholegrad program, you know.
I got tons of therapy myselfand I thought, cool, I'm, I'm, I
know exactly what I'm doing.
(19:16):
And then I became a parent,myself and my son also some.
My oldest um had some severehigh medical needs.
At age three months he stoppedeating altogether, would not eat
at all, not by bottle, not bybreast, nothing Stopped eating.
His weight drastically declined.
It was a very trying time andthat took so much toll on my own
(19:44):
mental wellness, on myrelationship wellness.
I remember there were periodswhere I was purely in survival
mode and I would justdisassociate in a way that there
was nothing there because thatwas so much safer than the state
that my mind was in and Ithought, gosh, there's not
enough support for us as parents, for my relationship in that
(20:10):
moment of someone who really gotwhat it's like as a parent to
support us in that way.
There was a lot of postpartum,but mine was yes, there were
some postpartum aspects, but itwas purely because of this big
catalyst moment that washappening in our life that we
weren't prepared for that.
We can actually be moreprepared to help these thriving
(20:49):
human beings or, hopefully,thriving future generations, wow
.
Josh Porthouse (20:55):
And how is your son now?
Reesa Morala (20:58):
So he is about to go into middle school this next
year, so we've made it Good,good, good, good.
Josh Porthouse (21:04):
Congratulations.
Reesa Morala (21:06):
Thank you.
Josh Porthouse (21:07):
Okay, good Now then.
So you talked about a couplethings that I think are
important to unpack in a littlebit more depth.
I mean, first of all, thedisassociation.
Do you think that was a resultof stress, a result of a defense
mechanism, a necessity, just aprocess at a pace you were more
(21:31):
mature or ready enough to handle?
What role do you think thatplayed?
Reesa Morala (21:37):
I think for me it was a little bit of column B and
a little bit of column C thatyou mentioned, the escapism.
That's what I had been doing,that's what I knew Growing up.
If we go back to theater,that's why it was my safe place.
It gave me an opportunity toescape.
I think in those moments againwhen things are really really
(21:58):
dark and it's hard to see alight at the end of the tunnel,
that's for me, some of thatdisassociation was.
That is so incredibly scarythat I have from my own survival
, my own, you know.
So I don't completely go offthe deep end, I have to just
(22:20):
numb out for a little bit andnot, you know, numb out for a
little bit and not think aboutthat.
And I think then, as a resultof that, because I got a little
bit of that relief, just forthat little tiny moment, it then
did allow me an opportunity tostart processing gosh.
This is really scary and Idon't know what to do and I'm
(22:42):
freaking out here.
Josh Porthouse (22:46):
Alrighty folks, if you're looking for more
perspective and more podcasts,you can check out Transacting
Value on Weeds Across AmericaRadio.
Listen in on iHeartRadio,odyssey and TuneIn.
Reesa Morala (22:59):
Then, as a result of that, because I got a little
bit of that relief just for thatlittle tiny moment it then did
allow me an opportunity to startprocessing gosh.
This is really scary and Idon't know what to do and I'm
I'm freaking out here did yousay that out loud?
Josh Porthouse (23:21):
not until much later yeah, did I allow myself
the permission to say that outloud yeah, because there's,
there's like this I don't know,it's a thing that happens,
whatever the thing is, it's just, it is a thing you know we're
like, once you say it out loud,it's real.
And I think that's when the well, I think that's when one of two
(23:45):
things kicks in one may be thefear or the futility, or sort of
the dark side of the forcestarts to creep in, or the
acceptance, the ownership, theproblem framing, maybe problem
solving, critical thought,discernment, good side of the
force starts to kick in, and I,I think that's that's a powerful
moment, though, and, like yousaid, the permission, like you
(24:07):
got to be ready for it, and ifyou're not ready, everything
just gets more complex orcompounds, I think in this
example, more towards the darkside than it does any other more
positive outcome.
And so how did you work throughit?
I mean, you eventuallyobviously got to a point where
(24:29):
you could process and workthrough things and take care of
it, but from what I assume, itwasn't like watching the wiggles
on repeat.
So what did it?
Reesa Morala (24:53):
I think for me it was when I did finally start
even just a little bit, sayingit out loud.
So some of for me I can't speakfor anybody else, but I know
for me, when I was in it, partof my brain is really good at
and I find with a lot of thefolks that I work with, our
brains can be really good atkind of spinning this narrative
that are usually kind of created.
You know archetypes throughoutour life, you know things that
(25:15):
we've experienced that kind ofcreate this belief.
And so when we're in thosereally dark moments, you know to
kind of say, hey, I'm freakingout and I have no idea what I'm
doing here.
One of my big narratives that Iwas fighting against was I had
this idea, I had been toldnumerous times because my
(25:36):
instinct with some of the thingsthat I had been through was
always to care for other people.
I was always kind of the motherin the group, if you will, and
so there was that narrative ofoh my goodness, you're going to
be such a good mother.
So there was that narrative ofoh my goodness, you're going to
be such a good mother.
And so here, all of a sudden,I've got this child, who you
know, basic need of eating, offeeding your child, I could not
(25:59):
do.
And so, all of a sudden, if Iwere to say I'm freaking out and
I don't know what I'm doinghere, it would be the complete
antithesis of this narrative ofoh my goodness, you'd be such a
great mother and I'd beadmitting just this failure.
And so for me, that saying outloud, that almost felt like an
(26:19):
admission of that failure.
And if you saw that failure youwouldn't want me to be the
mother of your child.
You know me thinking this aboutmy partner, because I can't
even do this basic thing ofgetting our child fed.
And so it wasn't really until Iwas able to have some of best
(26:53):
that I could do with what I hadand allowing myself just a
little bit of that grace, alittle bit of that
self-compassion to say maybethis voice inside that's telling
me I'm this horrible personisn't right and let me test it
(27:13):
out.
And so I would say just a littlebit of the thoughts that were
happening in my head.
And it was each time that Isaid that and I was able to be
received by my partner not withthat judgmental that you know
nest that my head was convincingme was going to happen and, a
little bit at a time, I was ableto replace some of that
(27:36):
narrative by my ownself-compassion for myself and
by seeing some of thatcompassion come at me from some
of the people that were aroundwhether that be from my partner
or some of the people that werearound, whether that be from my
partner or some of the peoplethat were in my community that
those really loud voices weren'twere telling me lies at that
(28:00):
point, even though I wasconvinced they were telling me
truths.
Josh Porthouse (28:05):
Yeah, yeah.
What do you suppose that'sbased on?
Because it wasn't untilhindsight, when, like you just
said, it actually wasn't true,but in the present moment it was
, or at least it seemed that way, right.
So what pattern do you think?
Well, the archetypes that youmentioned were rooted in.
Reesa Morala (28:31):
I think, honestly, is rooted in what I find for
most people, in our brain's wayof trying to protect us in some
way shape or form.
Because, again, if I were insituations in the past, which I
was, where some of thosenarratives were fed, even if it
was just a little bit, even ifit wasn't intentional, it was
this idea was placed in front ofme that, hey, if you can't live
up to it and again I know forme personally, because of some
(28:54):
of the abusive natures in myhome, that was some of the
narrative that if I didn't dothings exactly the right way, in
the perfect way, there wasreally dire consequences.
And so then there became thatvery rigid either I'm perfect or
I'm not, and if I'm not perfect, that has a ton of consequences
.
That's what was fed.
(29:15):
And so then each time as Icontinue to live life, for me,
that monster, if I mess up, evenjust a little bit and there was
someone who was maybefrustrated with me I took that
instead of just saying you know,they, they feel frustrated and
they're completely entitled totheir frustration my monster,
who is already building, who isalready growing, goes.
(29:37):
See, there you go, they're,they're not happy, there's the
consequences.
So now I just fed that monster.
It gets even bigger, and so, asas we continue, and as we
continue to filter our lifethrough that lens, it gets
stronger and stronger andstronger.
So then, when you do reach thesepoints where it's really
challenging our brain, you knowit's trying to protect us, it
(30:01):
doesn't want us to fail.
So then it says, okay, goinside yourself, or here, pull
away, or here do these things,because if we don't let people
see that you're failing, they'llstay, and we want so
desperately for you to havesomeone in your life stay.
So here we're going to do theseother things, these pull aways,
or this withdrawing, because ifI withdraw, then they won't get
(30:26):
to see that, and then theywon't leave me, they'll stay,
maybe they'll stay, and so Ithink for many people, it comes
from our brain again, in someway, shape or form, trying to
protect us.
The way that it's going about,though, is kind of creating
these really loud voices that,hey, if you don't do it this way
(30:47):
, this other way, it's going tocause a lot of heartache, and so
it makes the voices louder, andso it makes a truce by that
point, because it's so well-fed.
Josh Porthouse (30:57):
Yeah, yeah, that's what it sounds like for
sure.
Now, saying that, though, Ihave a working theory that where
our identity is generallygrounded, despite all of the
chaos and the whirlwind ofemotions and circumstance and
everything that can make ourlives a bit more complex, a lot
(31:19):
more complex, is our characterand our value systems.
That ground our character, andI think our values are sort of a
shortcut to identity, but italso helps us identify how we
want to then take ownership andconsciously transact our
(31:41):
cognition into our behaviors,into our actions, to then repeat
the cycle and reinforce somepositivity and so on.
I think the values are thetorque in that process, and so
this is a segment of the showcalled developing character.
D d d, developing character, andit's two questions, not to, uh,
blindside you here, but answerthem as as vulnerability or
(32:05):
authentic as you want, it's upyou, but it's about your value
systems, because it's such acool phenomenon.
I think that you're describingright now that, despite all of
the trauma or setbacks or anyand every aspect growing up of
your perspective, you stillturned out like this able to
(32:26):
handle and rely on yourself andbe proud and find joy despite
all those things.
So my first question is rootedin the past.
What were some of the valuesthen that you were actually
raised on or that you rememberbeing brought up around?
Reesa Morala (32:43):
In the past.
I probably would say thosevalues look somewhere along the
lines of respecting authorityand in that aspect it was, you
know, the parents or, andespecially in the way that I was
brought up, the church.
That was a big authority, and Iwould also maybe say kind of
(33:13):
this I don't know that it wasnecessarily something that was
passed down to me.
However, it was.
Something I think was rewardedin me is the people pleasing is
a value of pleasing others.
Josh Porthouse (33:27):
Okay, and then, over time I mean now, a few
decades later at least you'velearned, you've grown, you've
experienced, and whether or notthose have stayed there on some
level or scale or scope, I'msure they've been influenced to
some degree.
So what about now?
What are some of your valuespresently, then?
Reesa Morala (33:45):
so I think the best way to describe my values
is what I ask my children to goforth in their day.
Every single day, in themorning, when I drop them off at
school, I ask them please usekindness, love and respect, and
I think those are the threethings that really outline my
(34:06):
current values.
It's that, yes, respect, butit's not just to authority
figures, it's respect to all, nomatter the age, no matter what
they look like.
It's just going forth andreally emulating.
How can we treat others withthe respect that they deserve,
just because they're humanbeings and they're alive?
(34:27):
And what does it look like totreat someone with just complete
, you know, unconditional loveand kindness, and doing it as
well?
I think the biggest lesson I'vehad to learn is doing it to
myself as well Is treatingmyself with the same
unconditional love and kindnessas others.
Josh Porthouse (34:49):
Alrighty, folks sit tight and we'll be right
back on Transacting Value.
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Reesa Morala (36:00):
I think the biggest lesson I've had to learn
is doing it to myself as wellas treating myself with the same
unconditional love and kindnessas others.
Josh Porthouse (36:04):
Yeah, that's a pill.
Some days that's difficult,that's a lot and, you know, not
for nothing, though I think somedays that's uphill, just
because we lack the awarenessLike, I thought I was treating
myself pretty good.
I slept in, I took a showerthis morning, I worked out, I
had some coffee, I even atebreakfast this morning.
It's a pretty good day for me.
(36:25):
Meanwhile, the whole timeyou're like God, I wasted all
that time when I could have beendoing other things or you know,
and you just beat yourself downunwittingly and I think.
I think that self-awareness isdifficult to come by.
So when you're talking aboutrespecting authority, for
example, or even just pleasingother people, let alone loving
(36:47):
people and being kind andrespecting other people, let
alone loving people and beingkind and respecting other people
, are they always good?
The impacts, the implicationsof these values, do you think?
Or understanding these valuesand having an awareness of them
Can it be bad?
Should we strive to change them?
Should we just accept them andsee how we apply them in the
(37:09):
future?
I mean, what role have they hadfor you overall?
Reesa Morala (37:13):
I think that, inherently, you know, values are
there again as a way to try toguide us in some way that
doesn't serve the end goal thatwe want for ourselves, that we
(37:33):
want for our family systems.
I think that's where some ofthat flexing and maybe what that
value looks like can happen.
That's probably one of thenumber one things I talk about
with my couples is are thereways that we can get creative?
Because sometimes, again, if welook at, for example, the
(37:54):
people-pleasing one, could thatlook like if I'm making sure
that everybody is happy andeverybody is pleased, is that
indeed me treating them withlove and kindness?
Well, yes, to some degree.
Maybe some of them are the same.
However, it's not necessarilytreating myself with love and
(38:15):
kindness.
So are there ways that I canstill be in alignment with that
love and that kindness, whilealso making sure to balance
myself in there as well?
And so sometimes that does meansaying no to that extra
commitment, because in thatmoment, if I continue to say yes
, I'm a person again.
I've got that instinct topeople, please.
(38:37):
So I have that instinct to sayyes to everything that's going
to be treating them withkindness.
They need me to go above andbeyond and to exert myself way
beyond my capacity.
At the same time, it leaves mewithout a whole lot of love for
myself and a lot less kindnessfor myself also my family
(38:58):
Because when I'm at my maxcapacity and I have nothing left
, the likelihood that I'mtreating others, especially the
people that are closest to me,with all the love and kindness
that I know I'm capable ofothers, especially the people
that are closest to me, with allthe love and kindness that I
know I'm capable of, drasticallydecreases.
And so now, at that moment.
are there ways that I can getcreative of how can I move
forward and still showing themlove that hey, I'm here, I'm
(39:21):
still showing up for you.
I want to support you.
There might be some limits ontowhat that looks like.
I can't give you 24-7 of mytime.
Maybe I can get creative ongiving you an hour and that is
still me giving to you.
It's just getting a little bitcreative on what it looks like.
Josh Porthouse (39:41):
Yeah, fostering that understanding I guess helps
too, because then you have tocommunicate it, especially if
the pattern is you know, thefirst, first 18 years, your time
is your parents, basically youknow what I mean, like you're
doing what you're doing, butthey're allowing you to do it,
so it's not quite the same,right.
But then when you get a bitolder, you maybe haven't changed
(40:03):
much, but you got tocommunicate it to people that
the you they think you are maynot be the you who you actually
are as you gain self-awarenessand respect for yourself and
whatever applies.
Got to communicate it to peoplethat the you they think you are
may not be the you who youactually are as you gain
self-awareness and respect foryourself and whatever applies.
That communication, I think, istricky.
So how do you do it?
I mean, you work with couplesall the time where one party
(40:25):
neglects the other neglectsthemselves, both neglect each
other and, like, how do youbridge that?
Working on the communication,the egos, the, the resilience,
everything.
But what's the strategy to workon communication then?
Reesa Morala (40:40):
so I like to use, especially when we're starting
out, a formula, if you will, andit starts with an I feel, and
we're putting it in an emotionword, because, again, when we
start sentences, so much of ourtendency is to say what we're
noticing the other person isn'tdoing, how they're not showing
(41:01):
up for us in that moment in time.
So we usually start thesentences with you and most
people's instincts, the minutethey hear the word you come out
of their someone else's mouth,is like let me get ready to
fight.
And most people's instincts,the minute they hear the word
you come out of their someoneelse's mouth, is like let me get
ready to fight.
And they, literally they puttheir hands up and they're
getting ready to go to war.
And so really, it's finding waysto start your sentences and
really owning what you'refeeling in that moment and not
(41:24):
going with the.
You made me feel you know somany of us we go oh, you made me
feel sad One that gives away somuch of your power.
And then, two, let's take someownership and some
responsibility, validateourselves by saying this is the
emotional experience that I'mhaving and guess what?
It's okay for me to feel thesethings.
So we're starting with I feel,and we add an emotion word, as
(41:48):
many emotions as you can name,and the more that we name them,
they grow a little bit smaller,they have a little less
overpowering power over us.
And then we follow it aboutwhat?
And we stick with the facts.
I think as a society we're sogood at.
The flavorful words is what Ilike to call them, of peppering,
(42:09):
in our opinion, on somebodyelse's behaviors, instead of
just going with the facts.
Facts that you could take intoa room, you know, take a cue
from the lawyers, you know youwant to go in there with facts
that all jurors are going to bein agreement.
That's what happened.
But the minute we start adding,like pepper, peppering it with
those flavorful words of youknow you slammed the door or you
(42:32):
yelled at so-and-so.
That's now someone's opinion,that people can disagree.
Is that really what yelling is?
Is that really what slam thedoor is?
You know, I mean talk abouttalking with, with teenagers.
You know they're going to pullapart every bit of our sentences
.
So, just sticking with thosefacts and then really following
it up with the I needs reallydigging down deep.
(42:55):
What is it that you need in themoment?
And then it's not a need oflike.
I need you to just stop itright, because again we want
someone to receive us and whatwe're saying, but really I would
.
I need to feel loved, or I'dlove to feel seen in this moment
, and then ending it with whatit would look like if that need
(43:16):
was met, because again I couldgo up to someone and say, hey, I
need to feel loved, and theperson looking at me is going
what do you think I've beendoing?
Because their version of lovelooks different than mine, and
so now we're missing each otheragain, and so instead, not only
am I going to own what my needsare, but I'm going to tell you,
(43:37):
I'm going to give you a roadmapon exactly how to meet them in a
way that lands for me as ohgosh, my needs are met.
And then, all of a sudden,we've set our partner up for
success in meeting our needs,because we just gave them a map,
a literal map, and here's howto go from point A to point B.
And they're like cool, now Ihave something to work with.
Great, thank you.
And then we've just setourselves up for success because
(44:00):
it increases the chance thatour needs are going to get met
drastically.
Josh Porthouse (44:11):
And then, though I'm sure you also run into
people, people and I see themall the time as well reason I'm
not doing that, that's dumb.
I've been with them for adecade.
They should know me by now.
Well enough, it's fine.
I don't need to, I don't needto talk that way, or I'm not
gonna say that I feel likethat's dumb.
I'm a man, okay, I don't haveto talk about that.
Right, that stuff happens allthe time.
Oh yeah so, but you're saying Ifeel frustrated about you saying
(44:36):
these things may not be asinflammatory as, uh, I feel
frustrated when you do thesethings Right.
So the about makes thedifference.
Reesa Morala (44:45):
It's the about and it's the facts.
So if, if you're going to saywhat someone else said, it's
verbatimatim, that text message,right, we're not adding
(45:11):
anything else to it, becausethen no one can refute that.
Okay, yeah, that happened.
Josh Porthouse (45:17):
Well, I've had attorneys try to play, you know,
we'll see.
But okay, let's say, yeah,let's say you can't refute text.
Reesa Morala (45:25):
Well, it's harder.
I should say, not that youcan't, it's harder yeah yeah,
all right.
Josh Porthouse (45:30):
So, yeah, I feel frustrated about this
particular issue.
I need what I need you tounderstand better, because you
never listen to what I'm saying.
That's probably not what youmean.
Reesa Morala (45:41):
Yeah, in that instance, I would love to feel
understood.
Yeah, or?
I'd like to feel understood.
And when I feel understood, itlooks like this and then we give
them that roadmap.
Maybe it's the eye contact, ormaybe it's the validation I hear
you, or hey, I can appreciatewhere you're coming from.
And now we've given them stepson how to say, on how to receive
(46:04):
us in an understood way.
Josh Porthouse (46:07):
Okay, so I'm identifying here.
There's different levels tothis conversation, because it
sounds like exactly the samewords when you're both really
angry and that makes it worse.
But if you use exactly thesesame words when both people are
at a zero to sort of normalbaseline, you can actually make
some progress.
Reesa Morala (46:26):
It does absolutely .
So.
I think you made a really greatpoint of making sure that both
parties are in the capacity tobe able to have a conversation,
because if we're pushing and oneor both of you are emotionally
flooded, nothing's coming in.
In fact, there's plenty ofresearch to show that our
frontal lobe that does our logicand our rational thinking is
(46:50):
offline.
And so if you're flooded, yeah,you need most people need a
minimum of 20 minutes of activeself-soothing.
I'm not talking doom scrolling,avoidance, I'm talking active
self-soothing to be able toactually come down from a place
of flooding and have theirfrontal lobe online.
(47:12):
So you don't necessarily haveto be at a zero for us to now
use this formula, but we can'tbe kind of higher than a five in
that moment.
It's not going to be productive, no matter what you say.
Josh Porthouse (47:25):
Yeah, yeah, okay , all right.
So I think, actually, for thesake of time, this is probably
one of my last two questions,but so I think then, what's
important here to to note is itis possible to work through some
of these things even when thestressors are ridiculous, that
you don't need to lose yourselfin the process.
(47:46):
Lose yourself in the process.
Even if you lose yourself inthe moment, it's recoverable as
a couple, as an individual, notthe end 100% Repair attempts are
always welcome.
Yeah, okay, all right, and sothen, what kind of process, I
(48:08):
guess, do you use or do yourecommend now, having heard the
impact some of your values havehad on your perspective and your
process and your growth andrecovery throughout this whole
process, let alone for yourfamily and your partner and
everybody else involved?
What is your process?
Do you think to actuallytransact your values into sort
(48:30):
of a physical space orbehavioral space and and get
some resonance out of them andfind some meaning in them or
clarity or purpose in them?
Reesa Morala (48:39):
yeah, so for me, um, it takes a lot of
self-reflection I I probablycan't tell you the number of
times I'm self-reflecting to tryto really beef up my insight
and my awareness of myself andhow I'm moving about throughout
the day, and I'm an internalprocessor, so I do that all in
(49:01):
my brain.
I'm not a talk it out kind ofperson.
That's a growth pain, if youwill, that my partner and I had
to go through because he's verymuch an external processor and I
get overwhelmed by lots ofwords coming at me.
So I'm a person who I'minternally processing fairly
(49:21):
frequently throughout the day.
It's also for me, my process istaking ownership for me of the
things that maybe I didn't do asgreat as I could have.
As I know I have the capabilityand taking a little bit of Not a
little bit Taking a lot ofownership of that really, and
(49:42):
then also doing it, though froma compassionate way.
That takes a lot of work, as wetalked about, I'm really good
at highlighting my, my, Icritiquing myself, if you will,
and so it's really practicingsome of that self-compassion and
then also, if there'sopportunities for me to make
those repair attempts, comingback, having some of the
(50:04):
humility and love for thoseother people and being able to
say, hey, you know what, thisdidn't quite align with me, and
if I have an answer, then maybeI'll give them some of my
thoughts on how I'm going to beworking, moving forward If I
don't being able to workshopthat, even if it's with my
children.
I can't tell you the number oftimes I've gone with my children
and be like I am learning thistoo, and so I did not do that to
(50:27):
the best of my capacity andthat you deserve so much more.
I don't know if I know exactlyhow to do this right.
Do you have some thoughts onwhat would work best for you?
And we sit there and wecollaborate on it, and so, for
me, one of the ways again that Ikind of try to move towards
that value system is reallyhaving that open dialogue, being
(50:49):
able to know that it's okay forme to say I don't quite know
what I'm doing here, it's notaligning.
I know something's off, I don'tknow if I quite know how to fix
it, and using some of thosepeople around me to help me
workshop it so that I can beable to try it again tomorrow
and try my best to just show upin those ways, in the love, in
(51:13):
the kindness, in the respect foreverybody, and there are days
that I don't get it right.
And I make the apologies, and Imake it with an actionable
apology, not just the words, butreally showing up and trying it
again.
Yeah, oh, that's important too.
Yeah, like you said, grace goesa it again.
Josh Porthouse (51:30):
Yeah, oh, that's important too.
Yeah, like you said, grace goesa long way.
Reesa Morala (51:34):
Yeah.
Josh Porthouse (51:35):
So okay, before we get out of here, if people
want to find more out about yourshow, get in touch with you as
clients find out about any moreinformation or resources.
Can you walk us through in acouple minutes about the Real
Family Eats and where people cango to get in touch with you and
find some of these resources?
Reesa Morala (51:53):
Absolutely so.
The Real Family Eats you canfind us on YouTube, on all major
podcasting platforms.
There's the audio as well.
Or if you're a visual person,there's the YouTube where you
can see us.
And again, as you mentioned atthe beginning, it's real parents
.
We are getting rid of thatperfect parent facade that
(52:16):
society likes to put out there.
We're talking about realstruggles, figuring out and
really normalizing that.
This thing is hard, it's reallyhard, and try to help people
feel a little less alone in it.
At the same time bonus theguests that are on my show.
They're teaching me a favoriterecipe, one that they've tried,
that they love, and so otherparents can add to their
(52:39):
repertoire.
Because we're busy parents.
Sometimes it's trying to thinkof what we're having for dinner
or what we're going to make isjust one more thing to our
really long list.
So instead you can havesomebody else say hey, this is
really good, why don't you tryit tonight?
So you don't have to thinkabout that anymore.
And again, that's under the RealFamily Eats and any of my other
(53:01):
services you can find onembracerenewaltherapycom.
And if you're in the state ofCalifornia or want to come down
to the state of California for aweekend.
I do provide couples therapyintensives and couples therapy
weekly as well, depending onwhere you're at.
And then I do have workshopsthat I offer, and some of those
(53:23):
are virtual, so they can be foranybody worldwide pretty much,
and that can all be found on mywebsite.
Josh Porthouse (53:30):
Cool.
Well, and also for anybodywho's new to our show, you can
go to transactingvaluepodcastcomor whatever player you're
streaming this conversation onclick see more.
Click show more.
And in the show notesdescription of this conversation
you'll see links to the RealFamily Eats and, obviously,
reese's website at EmbraceRenewal Therapy as well.
(53:53):
I love it.
I love what you're doing.
I love your message.
I really appreciate theopportunity to help showcase it
and make people more aware of it.
So, like I said in thebeginning, I appreciate your
time, but now that theconversation's over, I
appreciate your perspective aswell.
That was awesome, so thank you.
Reesa Morala (54:13):
Yes, thank you so much again for having me.
I appreciate it very much.
Josh Porthouse (54:18):
Absolutely, and to everybody else.
Thank you guys for tuning intoour show.
Like I said, if you want tohear more about this
conversation or any of our otherconversations, go to
transactingvaluepodcastcom.
On the top right corner of thehomepage you can click leave a
voicemail.
That's two minutes of time toyou, leave an audio file, let us
know what you think of the show.
But, more importantly right now, let Risa know what you think
(54:41):
about her message.
Give her some feedback, guys.
Drop us a voicemail.
We'll forward it on to her andget everybody in touch and you
guys can also learn how tobetter transact some of the
values she talked about as well.
I love it.
I appreciate your timeEverybody listening and watching
this show.
I appreciate you guys tuning inas well, but until next time.
That was Transacting Value.
Thank you to our show partnersand folks.
(55:05):
Thank you for tuning in andappreciating our value as we all
grow through life together.
To check out our otherconversations or even to
contribute through feedback,follows, time, money or talent
and to let us know what youthink of the show, please leave
a review on our website,transactingvaluepodcastcom.
We also stream new episodesevery Monday at 9 am Eastern
(55:25):
Standard Time through all ofyour favorite podcasting
platforms like Spotify, iheartand TuneIn.
You can now hear TransactingValue on Wreaths Across America
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Wednesdays at 5 pm, sundays atnoon and Thursdays at 1 am.
Head to wreathsacrossamericaorg.
Slash transactingvalue tosponsor a wreath and remember,
(55:47):
honor and teach the value offreedom for future generations.
On behalf of our team and ourglobal ambassadors, as you all
strive to establish clarity andpurpose, ensure social
tranquility and secure theblessings of liberty or
individual sovereignty ofcharacter for yourselves and
your posterity, we will continueinstigating self-worth and
(56:07):
we'll meet you there Until nexttime.
That was Transacting Value.
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