October 14, 2025 • 44 mins
In this episode I explore how to live the path of surrender without abandoning desire or Self, moving from upended expectations to a grounded practice of connecting with and honoring our deeper truth, while also processing emotions, thoughts and bodily sensations that are arising in the process. I share how a pregnancy twist reopened old grief for me, and how cultivating continuous connection with ourselves restores trust, presence, and agency in the unknown.
Other nuggets we explore:
• Redefining surrender as inclusion, not bypass
• Living in the dance between human will and Divine will
• Allowing in support and mentorship to clear charge
• Holding peace and greater knowing at the center while feeling everything
• Resisting false reassurance and staying with the unknown
• Honoring different timelines and processes in healing
I would love to hear what arises for you as you listen, and anything specific you'd like to hear on the show. Shoot me a note via email (hello@ellieflow.com), or respond to the episode directly via the feature on your podcast app.
Music credit:
Embrace by Sappheiros | https://soundcloud.com/sappheirosmusic
Music promoted on https://www.chosic.com/free-music/all/
Creative Commons Attribution 3.0 Unported (CC BY 3.0) https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/3.0/
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
SPEAKER_00 (00:03):
Welcome to Transformed by Grief.
My name is Ellie Thomas, and Iam here to guide you on your
transformational grief journey.
From feeling lost, raw, andbrokenhearted, questioning
everything in you and aroundyou, to reconnecting to the
truth of who you are and thebeauty, fulfillment, and
(00:24):
vibrancy of life that is stillavailable in you and through
you.
On this podcast, we explore thedepths of what it means to say
yes to life again after you'vebeen broken open by pain and
grief.
We will explore what it means tocreate a deep, loving, and
reverent relationship toyourself, to grief, and to life
(00:45):
in a way that allows you tobegin to rebuild from the inside
out and to create a powerfulfoundation for a joy-filled,
alive feeling, and fulfillinglife you love.
Hello.
(01:07):
Welcome back to the podcast.
Not surprisingly, September wasvery different than I thought it
would be for the amount of timesin my life that I have said
that.
About a month, about a timeperiod.
(01:29):
Oh, I should learn to stopsaying that or to stop creating
these expectations around what Ithink it might be or what I want
it to be.
And yet that is part of thehuman game, is it not?
And definitely part of what I amhere to explore and unravel and
(01:51):
surrender to, which brings me tothe topic of today's show.
An exploration that's been on myheart for many weeks,
truthfully, for many years, andhas been re-highlighted in the
past month or so.
And I'm immediately just goingto ask for your grace in my
(02:14):
breathing.
Nine months pregnant andsometimes talking, laughing
brings me out of breath.
If you'd like to take a deepbreath with me, if maybe last
month or so was also verydifferent for you than what you
(02:35):
expected or planned, welcome in.
Let's take a breath.
Oh, just landing back in thebody, landing back in current
time with yourself.
Allowing yourself to notice whatfeels still in movement or in
(03:02):
resistance or challenged by whatthe last time period has been
and how different it is thanwhat you thought or the plans
you'd made.
Recognizing where there's griefor pain or fear, frustration.
(03:33):
Maybe even relief.
Just welcoming in whatever'shere.
To coming back to this wordsurrender.
In the past month, I've beenre-acquainted from a new angle
(03:57):
with a word that and anembodiment and an exploration of
an energy, the energy ofsurrender that I have been
slowly deepening in for sevenplus years now.
And this past month, some thingscame up on an ultrasound for a
(04:25):
baby that are in no waydevastating, and in no way
something that will be ahopefully not a large impact
over her life.
And yet still I'm learning thatfinding out any little thing,
especially when you're someonethat has had a history with hard
(04:49):
health things in your family orexperienced loss and death,
finding out any little thingthat's different than what you
thought or unexpected, requiresa lot of attention.
Requires not only externalattention, but requires
(05:10):
processing attention.
And it's been very clear to meover the past seven years that
my path and what I'm here tooffer and lead and live by is
this deep relationship to livingin surrender while also not
(05:32):
letting go of will.
Honoring both divine will andthe natural human will that
lives within.
And inviting in a dance,inviting in the constant dance,
(05:57):
the constant push-pull doesn'teven feel like the right words,
but the constant give and take.
And then the meetings andintertwinings of these wills.
And for years after I lost mymom, and in the throes of losing
(06:20):
her and say goodbye to her,there were places of
disheartenment and disbeliefthat my will mattered, that it
was important.
There's a lot of what evenmatters?
(06:43):
Why does this even matter?
Do I even have a choice?
I obviously seem to not have achoice in most places of my
life.
And a lot of grappling with whatis even the point.
(07:04):
But as I've deepened into theexploration of also still
continuing to have desires anddreams and still continuing to
want to see things naturallydevelop in my life, as every
human does, if not actively inevery season throughout
(07:27):
different seasons, I've come torealize that part of the magic
is this dance between the willsand the surrender to the dance.
And so coming back to this topicof surrender, in the past month
(07:52):
I've had this message comingthrough around living the path
of surrender.
What is it?
What does that even mean?
Everyone has the ability todefine that differently.
So we'll explore that in asecond.
But what is the path ofsurrender?
(08:16):
And how do we live it?
How do we live it when we areconstantly uh ejected from
things or parts of life thatdon't serve us or that are not
meant for us anymore, even whenit is the most painful letting
go possible?
(08:40):
And what is it to live stillwith this beautiful relationship
to our own will and our owndesire and to choice?
And I don't share this from aplace of having answers, as I'm
sure you can tell by the energyof it, but I felt the importance
(09:01):
of in this time in the world ofspeaking to this process, to
this path, of offering thedeepening, constantly deepening
exploration.
(09:25):
So, first of all, I'm curious ifyou just take a second and sit
with the word surrender.
What has surrender meant to youin your life?
Has it been something ofwelcome?
Has it been something of force?
Has it been natural?
(09:46):
Has it been challenging?
What emotions has it provoked inyou when you've had no other
choice but to surrender?
And what are the moments in yourlife that have marked those
moments, that those times thathave marked this word or been
marked by this word?
(10:14):
To me, surrender goes deeplywith flow.
It deeply meets the release ofcontrol that I'm here to
experience.
While also being in full trustof what's coming through.
(10:44):
It means walking in connectionwith the unknown, honoring every
fear, honoring every moment ofexcitement, of possibility.
(11:08):
Honoring the wide range ofthings I'm feeling in the midst
of no longer being able to holdon to, grasp on to, or expect
whatever I had conjured in mymind about a circumstance, about
(11:31):
a moment, about a person or atopic.
Surrender to me is an energy ofthe heart opening, the breath
deepening back into the body,refining our feet on the ground,
and being in connection to thedeeper energies of what's alive
(12:00):
and happening.
However, not giving innecessarily in a way that would
signify that we have lostourselves or have disconnected
from ourselves.
And in the world, I find thatsurrender is often spoken about
(12:23):
or talked about as justsurrender, just let it all go.
Just, you know, let go of yourpath and realign with the divine
path.
Or I don't know, there'sprobably five million different
ways of saying that, but it'soften spoken about as kind of
disconnecting from ourself,overriding, letting go of
(12:53):
denying our experience in thename of something higher or
better.
And while there are aspects ofthat that I believe can be alive
in surrender, the path ofsurrender for me has not looked
like letting go of myself.
(13:16):
It has not looked like trulyreleasing any Ellie in the
process.
Instead, it's looked likecompletely opening to and
holding space for and cominginto relationship with anything
I'm feeling about how things aredifferent than what I thought,
(13:40):
wanted, needed, etc.
To be able to through theprocess of kind of emotional
alchemy, of emotionalprocessing, of allowing all of
that there to connect with thetrue heart of what I can feel is
happening.
(14:03):
And so in September, in thismost recent process, like I
immediately felt and have feltthis entire time the well-being
of our child, the vibrancy andthe spunk of this little spirit
coming through into human form.
(14:26):
And my husband felt that too.
In no moment did either of usfeel, surprisingly, maybe, deep
worry or fear about her life orabout her health.
(14:48):
And yet, I still, and we bothstill in our own ways, but I'll
speak for myself here, stillhave had to move through such a
process.
That everything that thiscircumstance, of everything
that's simply one tiny littledifference showing up on an
(15:13):
ultrasound, throwing off ourwhole concept of what entering
into parenthood might be like.
Of having to think about thesethings before she's even here of
(15:34):
the impacts it could have had onour plans, our desired plans.
And I will tell you that part ofthis path of living in surrender
for me has been (15:49):
can there be space?
Can there be space forabsolutely everything I'm
feeling while also connectingwith that deeper energy that I
can feel is here a deeper energyof trust, of peace, of knowing
(16:18):
that we will we will make itthrough this.
There is no doubt in anyoneabout that.
It may not even end up beingmuch of a thing, but simply the
disruption of what we hadthought it to be before, which
(16:39):
probably anybody who's a parentthat's listening to this is
laughing, like, oh, just seewait, there's gonna be five
millions of those.
And yes, I'm aware.
Well, I'm aware from the pointof view that I can be aware from
at the moment.
But one little interruption towhat we had assumed in our
(17:05):
systems, in our bodies, in ourminds, in our energy fields, as
what would be the path hasbrought up so much, so much.
And if I would have chosen todisregard the feelings and only
cling to the sense of peace andthe sense of well-being that is
(17:33):
there in the center of it all, Iwould have missed out on some
pretty big healing for myself.
So as I was beginning to explorethese big waves of grief, of
fear, I could feel immediatelythat they weren't, that they
(17:57):
weren't in accordance with thatpeace that I was feeling.
And was able to kind of offercuriosity of what are these,
where are they coming from?
And I could almost immediatelyfeel this is old.
This is stuff that has to dowith my mom, not with my child.
(18:18):
These are energies from earlieron in my life, fears that have
lived in my body that are onlynow being able to be activated
and brought to the surface andprocessed more fully because I
am about to become a mothermyself.
(18:39):
And as I could feel these thingscoming up and asking to be
processed, asking to be givenspace without losing touch of
(19:00):
that through line of study,trust, and well-being that
existed.
So much was able to happen in myenergy, and so much is able to
help me come into greaterconnection with that sense of
(19:25):
trust, with that sense of ofwe're okay.
Despite the unknowns, despitestill not having answers,
despite potentially not havinganswers for months, even when
she's here.
(20:06):
But also being able to continueto connect in presence with
everything that's here rightnow, not being swept away or
taken away by what I can't seeor understand yet.
(20:37):
What I don't know, what nobodyknows really.
And instead letting the thecircumstance initiate us even
more deeply into relationshipwith the unknown and show us the
places that need to bestrengthened in mind, in body,
(21:02):
in heart, to be able to stepinto this next phase of life as
sturdy as we can be, which willbe very imperfect.
So the path of surrender hasrequired and invited me into,
(21:27):
and how I see it is it invitesall of us into the awareness,
the exploration, the connectionwith the deeper energies that
are alive.
And over time, when we have hadthis ongoing relationship with
the unknown, when we've had thisongoing relationship with
(21:49):
surrender, when we've had thisongoing relationship with our
intuition, with God, with ourhearts, with our bodies, we can
feel that quickly.
Sometimes at the beginning, wecan't.
Sometimes at the beginning ofthis journey, there's just a lot
in the mind and a lot in thebody accumulated that causes
some clenching and somecontraction and doesn't allow
(22:15):
for the flow of that connectionyet.
And there's nothing wrong withthat if that's where you are.
To me, that signals there'ssimply stuff to tend to here.
It likely isn't current, it'slikely being provoked by the
(22:36):
current of current reality.
But it likely is some olderaccumulation, and all that needs
tending here to connect with thedeeper energy of what's really
happening, of what the surrenderis inviting us into, is space
(22:57):
for sacred tending of thepatterns, of the accumulation,
of the emotions that have neverhad space.
And then if you're someone thathas been walking in deep
(23:18):
relationship to yourself in allof these ways, and you feel that
clarity of what's underneath itcoming through really clearly
from the beginning, and yetthere's a lot of other stuff
too.
That also is the invitation ofthe path of surrender.
(23:42):
It is the next layer of theinvitation to live in deep
communion and trust with thatenergy and to let it almost be
radiating through your body andenergy field without it needing
to negate, override, erase, orchange anything else that's
(24:06):
coming up along with it.
This is really where I see likethe heart of that kind of
pulsing fountain energy or of alighthouse, this radiating light
that is so alive within anundeniable, but also as every
kind of ring of light,electricity energy moves out
(24:30):
from it, it highlights differentthings.
We can feel its sturdiness inus, and at the same time, the
waves that are moving out hitnew layers, and so can we?
(24:53):
This is the question that comesup for me, but in the general
sense, can we walk with thisdeep connection to what we feel
is actually happening and truehere while also being in
(25:13):
constant welcoming, lovingrelationship with what's being
activated in the process?
And as we are in relationshipwith that, can that loop us back
into deeper embodiment, deepertrust, deeper presence with the
(25:42):
core of what we feel is here.
And so we start inward, we allowthe layers that are a little bit
further out to be touched, andthen we allow those layers to
bring us back inward.
(26:03):
And that's what the true path ofsurrender is to me.
Run it through your system,through your body, through your
heart for a second.
How does that feel?
Does that feel true to you?
Totally okay if it doesn't.
But if you were to invite inwhat did feel true about this
(26:25):
into your life, into thecircumstance of the moment, into
anywhere where you are beingchallenged into surrender yet
again.
What might this look like foryou?
What is space you might need,support you might need?
(26:53):
Any little shift in paradigm orrelationship with yourself that
might be required to actuallywalk this path.
(27:14):
Then there comes, it's likeradiating through me as I'm just
sitting in silence here.
Then there comes this question,but how?
But how do we do this?
And that's really depends onwhere you are at with
relationship with yourself rightnow.
The good thing is that no matterwhere you are, this is available
(27:40):
to you now.
So just check in.
Do you feel in connection toyour heart and to your
intuition, to your godlyconnection?
(28:05):
Do you feel in connection towhat is here underneath it all?
To what the overlying energy isof this circumstance and what
it's welcoming you into or not.
(28:27):
And if you don't, like I said,there's nothing wrong with that.
That's simply your startingplace.
And so if you don't feel inconnection to that, what would
it be like to begin to cultivatea relationship with what's
coming up from your humannesswith maybe the thoughts the
(28:56):
body's response the fears andtears and the many layers of
emotion, the grief, the anger?
That's a big one.
(29:19):
What would it be like to reallymake space for that in your
life?
And I'm not talking about likeamount of time or logistics, I
mean presence with yourself inthat not needing it to be any
(29:41):
different.
Not needing yourself to feel anydifferent than you do.
I heard this beautiful quotelistening to a podcast a couple
weeks ago.
It said, How we How willing areyou to feel what you're feeling?
(30:03):
Even if by feeling it thefeeling doesn't go away.
How willing are you to feel anyfeeling?
And most of the time, it'spretty dang uncomfortable to
feel that at the beginning.
(30:23):
We're always, we just becomemore acquainted with the
discomfort, more tolerable, moresafe.
And if you do feel in connectionto this greater energy of what's
happening, and you do feel likeyou can feel that, how willing
(30:47):
are you to also let themessiness of the other things
you're feeling be there?
To not need to cling to thegreater energy, to not being
upset.
I definitely had my moments inthe past month of being
frustrated with myself incertain moments of not being
(31:08):
able to just fully welcome inthat feeling in every part of
me, even though I could feel itthere.
And you know what was keeping mefrom that?
The space that was needed tosimply process the fears that
were really old that were comingup.
(31:30):
The space to recognize.
(32:25):
That things were well beyondwhat we could understand right
now, that our our child is okay.
That there is vibrancy in thispath and in the body of this
baby.
(32:48):
And yet I could feel that there,and I felt disconnected from it
at the same time.
And as I got on a call with oneof my mentors, just having space
held for me to talk through whatwas actually happening for me,
(33:15):
which often just came throughsome gentle questions that she
asked or reflections that sheoffered.
I immediately felt, oh, there'sa really old fear here.
A really old fear that anythingbeing quote unquote wrong is
(33:36):
going to separate me from mybaby emotionally or
energetically, that it is goingto disconnect us.
Because this is one of thesurvival mechanisms that my mom
and I used together.
(33:59):
Where instead of allowing thepain and the fear and
everything, and I don't blameeither of us, this that's where
we were at in our lives.
That's what we that was part ofour path at the time.
But instead of allowing that todraw us into more closeness,
instead, it very subtly shut usoff from each other.
(34:22):
Instead, it very subtlydistanced us.
Instead, the fears of her lifeand the need to put energy
towards being well, which I'm sograteful that she did, felt like
in some moments kind ofemotionally and energetically
(34:46):
took her from me.
She went somewhere else.
We were there together, but weweren't always there together.
And this fear was living in methat anything that could be off
(35:07):
would do the same with me and mychild.
The pain that of the idea thatanything could take away the joy
(35:28):
or love or just pure presence ofbeing together.
And all I needed to process wasto bring those words to life, to
(35:48):
say, oh, I can feel this fear inmy body.
I can feel that it's not eventrue.
It's just old.
I have deep compassion formyself and my mom and for why
this was created.
(36:10):
And it might still be there insmall ways, but it doesn't have
to be the overarchingexperience.
It actually doesn't have to bethe experience at all.
And even as I said it, it justlost a lot of its power, a lot
of its charge.
(36:31):
And I was presented with achoice and challenged with a
choice.
How do I want to relate to thisfear?
Thankfully, I'm much further onthe path now than I was years
ago, where it felt hard to makethat choice a lot of time.
This time the choices getclearer and clearer and easier
and easier.
(36:59):
Only through asking for andcreating space to just let
awareness of that come through.
(37:21):
Excuse me.
The clearing of the energyallowed deeper embodiment and
(37:42):
connection with that deepertruth.
It allowed me to begin to openbeyond the simple response or
reaction emotionally to theinitial news and begin to find
peace with oh, yeah, this issomething that's here.
(38:04):
We need to explore it.
And we're not going to haveanswers for a while.
But I can still be in beautifulconnection to what's here, in
beautiful presence to what'shere, still be enjoying what is
here and the process that I'mliving, still feel myself
(38:25):
planted in my heart, my body, myfeet on the ground in life.
And continue to be inrelationship to this process, to
the trajectories that I may ormay not want.
It also was really easy foranyone.
(38:52):
But it could have been reallyeasy for us to convince
ourselves that everything'sfine, that we don't even have to
worry about it, that on the nextultrasound, nothing will show up
and blah, blah, blah.
My husband and I both knew thatthat was not setting us up very
well.
That was not going to set us upwell.
But what did set us up as wellas can be, because we're still
(39:15):
in this process and will be, wasthe ability to come into this
walk of surrender where we arecontinuing to process what's
being brought up, what's beinghighlighted, what's being
reactivated, while also allowingthat to let us lean even more
(39:36):
fully into the truth of what wefeel is here.
And letting that anchor us intothe presence of the moment while
also being in relationship toall the possible trajectories
(39:57):
that we can think of, becausethere are probably more that we
can think of.
Not needing to grasp to any ofthem, not needing to falsely
reassure ourselves of anything,not needing to convince
ourselves out of anything thatwe're feeling.
(40:23):
And his process looks sodifferent from mine.
It's gonna look different forevery single person, no matter
how things come up for you, howquickly or slowly they move, how
(40:50):
in connection to or growing inconnection with your emotional
body, your physical body, yourenergetic body you are.
There's no better place to be.
(42:31):
So I'm gonna leave that therefor you to noodle with, as my
friend Melina says often.
To digest and to kind of startto see where the invitation for
living the path of surrendermight be active or activating in
(42:55):
your life, if that's not alreadythere consciously.
If there's anything from thisepisode that you'd like to share
or anything that comes up asyou're digesting it, please feel
free to share that with me.
I love hearing from you, even ifI'm slow to respond.
(43:19):
And I will be back soon withmore heart messages of the time.
Take care.
Thank you for listening toTransformed by Grief.
(43:39):
Please take a moment to rate,review, and subscribe to the
show and to share it with aloved one that needs this
medicine today.
If you are ready to deepen intoyour own Transformed by Grief
process, you can join theSanctuary membership or work
with me one on one at leastlovehood.com.
See you soon.
Welcome to Transformed by Grief.
My name is Ellie Thomas, and Iam here to guide you on your
transformational grief journey.
From feeling lost, raw, andbrokenhearted, questioning
everything in you and aroundyou, to reconnecting to the
truth of who you are and thebeauty, fulfillment, and
(00:24):
vibrancy of life that is stillavailable in you and through
you.
On this podcast, we explore thedepths of what it means to say
yes to life again after you'vebeen broken open by pain and
grief.
We will explore what it means tocreate a deep, loving, and
reverent relationship toyourself, to grief, and to life
(00:45):
in a way that allows you tobegin to rebuild from the inside
out and to create a powerfulfoundation for a joy-filled,
alive feeling, and fulfillinglife you love.
Hello.
(01:07):
Welcome back to the podcast.
Not surprisingly, September wasvery different than I thought it
would be for the amount of timesin my life that I have said
that.
About a month, about a timeperiod.
(01:29):
Oh, I should learn to stopsaying that or to stop creating
these expectations around what Ithink it might be or what I want
it to be.
And yet that is part of thehuman game, is it not?
And definitely part of what I amhere to explore and unravel and
(01:51):
surrender to, which brings me tothe topic of today's show.
An exploration that's been on myheart for many weeks,
truthfully, for many years, andhas been re-highlighted in the
past month or so.
And I'm immediately just goingto ask for your grace in my
(02:14):
breathing.
Nine months pregnant andsometimes talking, laughing
brings me out of breath.
If you'd like to take a deepbreath with me, if maybe last
month or so was also verydifferent for you than what you
(02:35):
expected or planned, welcome in.
Let's take a breath.
Oh, just landing back in thebody, landing back in current
time with yourself.
Allowing yourself to notice whatfeels still in movement or in
(03:02):
resistance or challenged by whatthe last time period has been
and how different it is thanwhat you thought or the plans
you'd made.
Recognizing where there's griefor pain or fear, frustration.
(03:33):
Maybe even relief.
Just welcoming in whatever'shere.
To coming back to this wordsurrender.
In the past month, I've beenre-acquainted from a new angle
(03:57):
with a word that and anembodiment and an exploration of
an energy, the energy ofsurrender that I have been
slowly deepening in for sevenplus years now.
And this past month, some thingscame up on an ultrasound for a
(04:25):
baby that are in no waydevastating, and in no way
something that will be ahopefully not a large impact
over her life.
And yet still I'm learning thatfinding out any little thing,
especially when you're someonethat has had a history with hard
(04:49):
health things in your family orexperienced loss and death,
finding out any little thingthat's different than what you
thought or unexpected, requiresa lot of attention.
Requires not only externalattention, but requires
(05:10):
processing attention.
And it's been very clear to meover the past seven years that
my path and what I'm here tooffer and lead and live by is
this deep relationship to livingin surrender while also not
(05:32):
letting go of will.
Honoring both divine will andthe natural human will that
lives within.
And inviting in a dance,inviting in the constant dance,
(05:57):
the constant push-pull doesn'teven feel like the right words,
but the constant give and take.
And then the meetings andintertwinings of these wills.
And for years after I lost mymom, and in the throes of losing
(06:20):
her and say goodbye to her,there were places of
disheartenment and disbeliefthat my will mattered, that it
was important.
There's a lot of what evenmatters?
(06:43):
Why does this even matter?
Do I even have a choice?
I obviously seem to not have achoice in most places of my
life.
And a lot of grappling with whatis even the point.
(07:04):
But as I've deepened into theexploration of also still
continuing to have desires anddreams and still continuing to
want to see things naturallydevelop in my life, as every
human does, if not actively inevery season throughout
(07:27):
different seasons, I've come torealize that part of the magic
is this dance between the willsand the surrender to the dance.
And so coming back to this topicof surrender, in the past month
(07:52):
I've had this message comingthrough around living the path
of surrender.
What is it?
What does that even mean?
Everyone has the ability todefine that differently.
So we'll explore that in asecond.
But what is the path ofsurrender?
(08:16):
And how do we live it?
How do we live it when we areconstantly uh ejected from
things or parts of life thatdon't serve us or that are not
meant for us anymore, even whenit is the most painful letting
go possible?
(08:40):
And what is it to live stillwith this beautiful relationship
to our own will and our owndesire and to choice?
And I don't share this from aplace of having answers, as I'm
sure you can tell by the energyof it, but I felt the importance
(09:01):
of in this time in the world ofspeaking to this process, to
this path, of offering thedeepening, constantly deepening
exploration.
(09:25):
So, first of all, I'm curious ifyou just take a second and sit
with the word surrender.
What has surrender meant to youin your life?
Has it been something ofwelcome?
Has it been something of force?
Has it been natural?
(09:46):
Has it been challenging?
What emotions has it provoked inyou when you've had no other
choice but to surrender?
And what are the moments in yourlife that have marked those
moments, that those times thathave marked this word or been
marked by this word?
(10:14):
To me, surrender goes deeplywith flow.
It deeply meets the release ofcontrol that I'm here to
experience.
While also being in full trustof what's coming through.
(10:44):
It means walking in connectionwith the unknown, honoring every
fear, honoring every moment ofexcitement, of possibility.
(11:08):
Honoring the wide range ofthings I'm feeling in the midst
of no longer being able to holdon to, grasp on to, or expect
whatever I had conjured in mymind about a circumstance, about
(11:31):
a moment, about a person or atopic.
Surrender to me is an energy ofthe heart opening, the breath
deepening back into the body,refining our feet on the ground,
and being in connection to thedeeper energies of what's alive
(12:00):
and happening.
However, not giving innecessarily in a way that would
signify that we have lostourselves or have disconnected
from ourselves.
And in the world, I find thatsurrender is often spoken about
(12:23):
or talked about as justsurrender, just let it all go.
Just, you know, let go of yourpath and realign with the divine
path.
Or I don't know, there'sprobably five million different
ways of saying that, but it'soften spoken about as kind of
disconnecting from ourself,overriding, letting go of
(12:53):
denying our experience in thename of something higher or
better.
And while there are aspects ofthat that I believe can be alive
in surrender, the path ofsurrender for me has not looked
like letting go of myself.
(13:16):
It has not looked like trulyreleasing any Ellie in the
process.
Instead, it's looked likecompletely opening to and
holding space for and cominginto relationship with anything
I'm feeling about how things aredifferent than what I thought,
(13:40):
wanted, needed, etc.
To be able to through theprocess of kind of emotional
alchemy, of emotionalprocessing, of allowing all of
that there to connect with thetrue heart of what I can feel is
happening.
(14:03):
And so in September, in thismost recent process, like I
immediately felt and have feltthis entire time the well-being
of our child, the vibrancy andthe spunk of this little spirit
coming through into human form.
(14:26):
And my husband felt that too.
In no moment did either of usfeel, surprisingly, maybe, deep
worry or fear about her life orabout her health.
(14:48):
And yet, I still, and we bothstill in our own ways, but I'll
speak for myself here, stillhave had to move through such a
process.
That everything that thiscircumstance, of everything
that's simply one tiny littledifference showing up on an
(15:13):
ultrasound, throwing off ourwhole concept of what entering
into parenthood might be like.
Of having to think about thesethings before she's even here of
(15:34):
the impacts it could have had onour plans, our desired plans.
And I will tell you that part ofthis path of living in surrender
for me has been (15:49):
can there be space?
Can there be space forabsolutely everything I'm
feeling while also connectingwith that deeper energy that I
can feel is here a deeper energyof trust, of peace, of knowing
(16:18):
that we will we will make itthrough this.
There is no doubt in anyoneabout that.
It may not even end up beingmuch of a thing, but simply the
disruption of what we hadthought it to be before, which
(16:39):
probably anybody who's a parentthat's listening to this is
laughing, like, oh, just seewait, there's gonna be five
millions of those.
And yes, I'm aware.
Well, I'm aware from the pointof view that I can be aware from
at the moment.
But one little interruption towhat we had assumed in our
(17:05):
systems, in our bodies, in ourminds, in our energy fields, as
what would be the path hasbrought up so much, so much.
And if I would have chosen todisregard the feelings and only
cling to the sense of peace andthe sense of well-being that is
(17:33):
there in the center of it all, Iwould have missed out on some
pretty big healing for myself.
So as I was beginning to explorethese big waves of grief, of
fear, I could feel immediatelythat they weren't, that they
(17:57):
weren't in accordance with thatpeace that I was feeling.
And was able to kind of offercuriosity of what are these,
where are they coming from?
And I could almost immediatelyfeel this is old.
This is stuff that has to dowith my mom, not with my child.
(18:18):
These are energies from earlieron in my life, fears that have
lived in my body that are onlynow being able to be activated
and brought to the surface andprocessed more fully because I
am about to become a mothermyself.
(18:39):
And as I could feel these thingscoming up and asking to be
processed, asking to be givenspace without losing touch of
(19:00):
that through line of study,trust, and well-being that
existed.
So much was able to happen in myenergy, and so much is able to
help me come into greaterconnection with that sense of
(19:25):
trust, with that sense of ofwe're okay.
Despite the unknowns, despitestill not having answers,
despite potentially not havinganswers for months, even when
she's here.
(20:06):
But also being able to continueto connect in presence with
everything that's here rightnow, not being swept away or
taken away by what I can't seeor understand yet.
(20:37):
What I don't know, what nobodyknows really.
And instead letting the thecircumstance initiate us even
more deeply into relationshipwith the unknown and show us the
places that need to bestrengthened in mind, in body,
(21:02):
in heart, to be able to stepinto this next phase of life as
sturdy as we can be, which willbe very imperfect.
So the path of surrender hasrequired and invited me into,
(21:27):
and how I see it is it invitesall of us into the awareness,
the exploration, the connectionwith the deeper energies that
are alive.
And over time, when we have hadthis ongoing relationship with
the unknown, when we've had thisongoing relationship with
(21:49):
surrender, when we've had thisongoing relationship with our
intuition, with God, with ourhearts, with our bodies, we can
feel that quickly.
Sometimes at the beginning, wecan't.
Sometimes at the beginning ofthis journey, there's just a lot
in the mind and a lot in thebody accumulated that causes
some clenching and somecontraction and doesn't allow
(22:15):
for the flow of that connectionyet.
And there's nothing wrong withthat if that's where you are.
To me, that signals there'ssimply stuff to tend to here.
It likely isn't current, it'slikely being provoked by the
(22:36):
current of current reality.
But it likely is some olderaccumulation, and all that needs
tending here to connect with thedeeper energy of what's really
happening, of what the surrenderis inviting us into, is space
(22:57):
for sacred tending of thepatterns, of the accumulation,
of the emotions that have neverhad space.
And then if you're someone thathas been walking in deep
(23:18):
relationship to yourself in allof these ways, and you feel that
clarity of what's underneath itcoming through really clearly
from the beginning, and yetthere's a lot of other stuff
too.
That also is the invitation ofthe path of surrender.
(23:42):
It is the next layer of theinvitation to live in deep
communion and trust with thatenergy and to let it almost be
radiating through your body andenergy field without it needing
to negate, override, erase, orchange anything else that's
(24:06):
coming up along with it.
This is really where I see likethe heart of that kind of
pulsing fountain energy or of alighthouse, this radiating light
that is so alive within anundeniable, but also as every
kind of ring of light,electricity energy moves out
(24:30):
from it, it highlights differentthings.
We can feel its sturdiness inus, and at the same time, the
waves that are moving out hitnew layers, and so can we?
(24:53):
This is the question that comesup for me, but in the general
sense, can we walk with thisdeep connection to what we feel
is actually happening and truehere while also being in
(25:13):
constant welcoming, lovingrelationship with what's being
activated in the process?
And as we are in relationshipwith that, can that loop us back
into deeper embodiment, deepertrust, deeper presence with the
(25:42):
core of what we feel is here.
And so we start inward, we allowthe layers that are a little bit
further out to be touched, andthen we allow those layers to
bring us back inward.
(26:03):
And that's what the true path ofsurrender is to me.
Run it through your system,through your body, through your
heart for a second.
How does that feel?
Does that feel true to you?
Totally okay if it doesn't.
But if you were to invite inwhat did feel true about this
(26:25):
into your life, into thecircumstance of the moment, into
anywhere where you are beingchallenged into surrender yet
again.
What might this look like foryou?
What is space you might need,support you might need?
(26:53):
Any little shift in paradigm orrelationship with yourself that
might be required to actuallywalk this path.
(27:14):
Then there comes, it's likeradiating through me as I'm just
sitting in silence here.
Then there comes this question,but how?
But how do we do this?
And that's really depends onwhere you are at with
relationship with yourself rightnow.
The good thing is that no matterwhere you are, this is available
(27:40):
to you now.
So just check in.
Do you feel in connection toyour heart and to your
intuition, to your godlyconnection?
(28:05):
Do you feel in connection towhat is here underneath it all?
To what the overlying energy isof this circumstance and what
it's welcoming you into or not.
(28:27):
And if you don't, like I said,there's nothing wrong with that.
That's simply your startingplace.
And so if you don't feel inconnection to that, what would
it be like to begin to cultivatea relationship with what's
coming up from your humannesswith maybe the thoughts the
(28:56):
body's response the fears andtears and the many layers of
emotion, the grief, the anger?
That's a big one.
(29:19):
What would it be like to reallymake space for that in your
life?
And I'm not talking about likeamount of time or logistics, I
mean presence with yourself inthat not needing it to be any
(29:41):
different.
Not needing yourself to feel anydifferent than you do.
I heard this beautiful quotelistening to a podcast a couple
weeks ago.
It said, How we How willing areyou to feel what you're feeling?
(30:03):
Even if by feeling it thefeeling doesn't go away.
How willing are you to feel anyfeeling?
And most of the time, it'spretty dang uncomfortable to
feel that at the beginning.
(30:23):
We're always, we just becomemore acquainted with the
discomfort, more tolerable, moresafe.
And if you do feel in connectionto this greater energy of what's
happening, and you do feel likeyou can feel that, how willing
(30:47):
are you to also let themessiness of the other things
you're feeling be there?
To not need to cling to thegreater energy, to not being
upset.
I definitely had my moments inthe past month of being
frustrated with myself incertain moments of not being
(31:08):
able to just fully welcome inthat feeling in every part of
me, even though I could feel itthere.
And you know what was keeping mefrom that?
The space that was needed tosimply process the fears that
were really old that were comingup.
(31:30):
The space to recognize.
(32:25):
That things were well beyondwhat we could understand right
now, that our our child is okay.
That there is vibrancy in thispath and in the body of this
baby.
(32:48):
And yet I could feel that there,and I felt disconnected from it
at the same time.
And as I got on a call with oneof my mentors, just having space
held for me to talk through whatwas actually happening for me,
(33:15):
which often just came throughsome gentle questions that she
asked or reflections that sheoffered.
I immediately felt, oh, there'sa really old fear here.
A really old fear that anythingbeing quote unquote wrong is
(33:36):
going to separate me from mybaby emotionally or
energetically, that it is goingto disconnect us.
Because this is one of thesurvival mechanisms that my mom
and I used together.
(33:59):
Where instead of allowing thepain and the fear and
everything, and I don't blameeither of us, this that's where
we were at in our lives.
That's what we that was part ofour path at the time.
But instead of allowing that todraw us into more closeness,
instead, it very subtly shut usoff from each other.
(34:22):
Instead, it very subtlydistanced us.
Instead, the fears of her lifeand the need to put energy
towards being well, which I'm sograteful that she did, felt like
in some moments kind ofemotionally and energetically
(34:46):
took her from me.
She went somewhere else.
We were there together, but weweren't always there together.
And this fear was living in methat anything that could be off
(35:07):
would do the same with me and mychild.
The pain that of the idea thatanything could take away the joy
(35:28):
or love or just pure presence ofbeing together.
And all I needed to process wasto bring those words to life, to
(35:48):
say, oh, I can feel this fear inmy body.
I can feel that it's not eventrue.
It's just old.
I have deep compassion formyself and my mom and for why
this was created.
(36:10):
And it might still be there insmall ways, but it doesn't have
to be the overarchingexperience.
It actually doesn't have to bethe experience at all.
And even as I said it, it justlost a lot of its power, a lot
of its charge.
(36:31):
And I was presented with achoice and challenged with a
choice.
How do I want to relate to thisfear?
Thankfully, I'm much further onthe path now than I was years
ago, where it felt hard to makethat choice a lot of time.
This time the choices getclearer and clearer and easier
and easier.
(36:59):
Only through asking for andcreating space to just let
awareness of that come through.
(37:21):
Excuse me.
The clearing of the energyallowed deeper embodiment and
(37:42):
connection with that deepertruth.
It allowed me to begin to openbeyond the simple response or
reaction emotionally to theinitial news and begin to find
peace with oh, yeah, this issomething that's here.
(38:04):
We need to explore it.
And we're not going to haveanswers for a while.
But I can still be in beautifulconnection to what's here, in
beautiful presence to what'shere, still be enjoying what is
here and the process that I'mliving, still feel myself
(38:25):
planted in my heart, my body, myfeet on the ground in life.
And continue to be inrelationship to this process, to
the trajectories that I may ormay not want.
It also was really easy foranyone.
(38:52):
But it could have been reallyeasy for us to convince
ourselves that everything'sfine, that we don't even have to
worry about it, that on the nextultrasound, nothing will show up
and blah, blah, blah.
My husband and I both knew thatthat was not setting us up very
well.
That was not going to set us upwell.
But what did set us up as wellas can be, because we're still
(39:15):
in this process and will be, wasthe ability to come into this
walk of surrender where we arecontinuing to process what's
being brought up, what's beinghighlighted, what's being
reactivated, while also allowingthat to let us lean even more
(39:36):
fully into the truth of what wefeel is here.
And letting that anchor us intothe presence of the moment while
also being in relationship toall the possible trajectories
(39:57):
that we can think of, becausethere are probably more that we
can think of.
Not needing to grasp to any ofthem, not needing to falsely
reassure ourselves of anything,not needing to convince
ourselves out of anything thatwe're feeling.
(40:23):
And his process looks sodifferent from mine.
It's gonna look different forevery single person, no matter
how things come up for you, howquickly or slowly they move, how
(40:50):
in connection to or growing inconnection with your emotional
body, your physical body, yourenergetic body you are.
There's no better place to be.
(42:31):
So I'm gonna leave that therefor you to noodle with, as my
friend Melina says often.
To digest and to kind of startto see where the invitation for
living the path of surrendermight be active or activating in
(42:55):
your life, if that's not alreadythere consciously.
If there's anything from thisepisode that you'd like to share
or anything that comes up asyou're digesting it, please feel
free to share that with me.
I love hearing from you, even ifI'm slow to respond.
(43:19):
And I will be back soon withmore heart messages of the time.
Take care.
Thank you for listening toTransformed by Grief.
(43:39):
Please take a moment to rate,review, and subscribe to the
show and to share it with aloved one that needs this
medicine today.
If you are ready to deepen intoyour own Transformed by Grief
process, you can join theSanctuary membership or work
with me one on one at leastlovehood.com.
See you soon.
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