October 17, 2024 • 43 mins
Grief is a powerful teacher, and understanding our deepest needs can transform this journey into one of personal growth and healing. This episode invites you to contemplate the profound connection between grief and your human needs, exploring how recognizing and voicing our needs can lead to living more authentically and embracing the unknown with courage.
I guide you through a reflective process, encouraging you to identify your needs and understand the physical and emotional expressions of unmet needs. By considering whether these needs can be fulfilled independently or require external support, we cultivate acceptance and compassion for ourselves. This exploration opens up a dialogue with a larger spiritual or universal presence, inviting peace and understanding beyond our immediate human experience. The process is both empowering and humbling, acknowledging that some needs may remain unmet, and that’s okay.
Throughout the epsidoe, we’ll explore the art of surrendering to the unknown, creating a sacred space for transformation and inviting loved ones into this dialogue.
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Music credit:
Embrace by Sappheiros | https://soundcloud.com/sappheirosmusic
Music promoted on https://www.chosic.com/free-music/all/
Creative Commons Attribution 3.0 Unported (CC BY 3.0) https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/3.0/
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Ellie (00:03):
Welcome to Transformed by Grief.
My name is Ellie Thomas and Iam here to guide you on your
transformational grief journeyFrom feeling lost, raw and
brokenhearted, questioningeverything in you and around you
, to reconnecting to the truthof who you are and the beauty,
fulfillment and vibrancy of lifethat is still available in you
(00:27):
and through you.
On this podcast, we explore thedepths of what it means to say
yes to life again after you'vebeen broken open by pain and
grief.
We will explore what it meansto create a deep, loving and
reverent relationship toyourself, to grief and to life
in a way that allows you tobegin to rebuild from the inside
(00:49):
out and to create a powerfulfoundation for a joy-filled,
alive feeling and fulfillinglife you love.
Welcome back to Transformed byGrief.
I'm so glad to bring youtoday's episode because we're
(01:11):
getting into a really importantand not talked about that often
conversation.
Subject all about needs.
Our human needs are the basisof our vulnerability, our
neediness, our humanness.
That can very much come alivein any grief journey, in any
(01:34):
broken open moment.
We've been talking a lot aboutthis in the sanctuary in the
past couple months becausebeginning to have a deep
relationship, awareness,connection, honoring of our
needs, even when we can'tperfectly fulfill them, or even
when we need things that gobeyond the power of our
(01:57):
humanness, is the basis of anytransformational journey, is the
basis of any transformationaljourney Beginning to really
understand ourselves, the partsof ourselves that have been
(02:20):
molded by our past and leftscars and holes that need
tending to and that help createour wholeness, actually, when we
connect with those kind of gapsin where we have been tended to
, where we are still in need oflove, where we are still in need
of connection, where we arestill in need of nurturing and
(02:40):
support, and it goes on and on.
But this is truly the basis ofall transformational work,
whether it be specifictransformational grief work.
In my experience, grief arisesin every single transformational
journey.
Most people just don't realizethat grief is there when they
(03:02):
embark on it.
Grief has so many differenttextures and flavors and ways of
arising in our system and as asociety, we have come to
understand grief in a verytangible way.
I lost something.
Therefore, I have grief, butit's so much bigger than that.
(03:26):
And so this place of connectingto ourselves on this human
level, it requires coming backto the body, it requires coming
back to deep relationship withour humanness, our imperfection,
the parts of us that we haveprobably tried to hide and
override for years and years andyears.
(03:48):
If we are operating in theworld that we're operating in
especially if you are a womanand this place of beginning to
connect with my needs.
I remember beginning my workwith my coach in oh, let's see,
(04:08):
it was a long time ago, maybesix years ago now, five or six
years ago.
Beginning to open up to thework of grief required that I
come into deeper relationshipwith, and not even the work of
grief.
Beginning to open up to my ownrelationship with grief and
beginning to allow and createthe foundation for which I could
(04:31):
move with my grief and releaseyears of of Harvard grief and
where I could begin to allow thebuilt up inner pressure of
suppressed emotion to escape sothat I could feel myself again.
All of this started withbeginning to acknowledge my
needs and beginning to own themwith love and beginning to
(04:54):
advocate for myself in theseways, and beginning to have a
conversation with myself aboutwhere I had been pretending to
not have needs or just simplysubconsciously overlooking
because I didn't feel safe toacknowledge them, or like they
could be acknowledged, like itwas okay for me to be in my
imperfect humanness.
(05:14):
So there is so much here.
I feel like I could do anentire masterclass on this and
maybe we will.
If you want that, let me know,because this is like the before
you even lay the concrete or thebricks of the foundation of a
(05:35):
house you're building like.
This is the I'm thinking of theword in Spanish bigas.
This is like the really strongiron or steel rods that go into
the ground that holds yourstructure together and that
ground your structure to theearth.
And needs are exactly that, orlet me say that better are
(06:02):
relationship to our needs andhaving and developing a
relationship to our needs andbeginning to understand the many
different aspects and wherethey come from and how they
relate to what we're feeling andwhat we're processing.
That is like these, you know,huge pillars of support and huge
pillars of grounding thatground us into the experience of
(06:25):
transformation and ground us,bring us back to our humanness
so that through that, we canopen to divinity, so that we can
open to wholeness, so that wecan open to these greater parts
of ourselves.
It's interesting A lot of timeswhen we're working with this
and we're working with thesekind of cracks in ourselves or
these I've been using a littlebit the analogy of Swiss cheese
(06:49):
and the sanctuary like the holesin our Swiss cheese, those are
actually the holes through which, as we tend to them and allow
energy to flow through them.
Again, a lot of the times we'vebeen trying to patch them up and
keep them on the down low andto like pretend that they're not
there.
But actually, when we come intorelationship, to patch them up
and to keep them on the down lowand to like pretend that
they're not there, but actuallywhen we come into relationship
to them, that's where so many ofour gifts and so much of our
(07:12):
like divine essence, your soul,begins to flow through and that
is where we end up connecting toourselves.
So this is like really humble,nitty-gritty feeling work at the
beginning of being in ourhumanness and acknowledging the
things that we didn't get, thatwe really needed when we were
younger, the things that westill are needing now, coming
(07:34):
into relationship to that now,grounding ourselves in the
imperfection of humanness, andthrough that journey we
rediscover and come into so muchmore of ourselves and have the
invitation to allow this greaterenergy to express through us.
So today I am sharing for therest of the show this kind of
(07:55):
opening talk around needs that Igave in the sanctuary.
It's about half an hour longand there's also a practice at
the end that leads you intorelationship, kind of connective
relationship with what's there.
It talks about how we can meetour needs and how sometimes we
can't, and what to do there andhow to be in the gap of that
(08:16):
when we feel grief and emotionthere, and I guide you through
that the whole time.
This is a very kind ofopen-hearted, grounded
conversation and so it doesn'tmove really quickly, but that's
part of the invitation to allowyourself to just let the words
and the concepts and the ideasand the exploration sink in and
(08:37):
then at the end I'll lead youthrough a practice of just
acknowledging and coming intoconnection with the needs that
are present in your life andwhat that might be bringing up
now.
So, as always, if you wouldlove to explore this more and
work with me and a beautifulcommunity around this more and
(08:57):
develop all these differentlayers of your transformation,
the sanctuary is always open.
Join us.
We meet generally on Wednesdays.
The timing varies a little bitbecause we've got people in all
different time zones, but thereare such special calls.
Every call has just been soincredibly life-giving and we're
really moving into a season ofuncovering more.
(09:20):
I can feel that happening inthe people that are present, and
I'm excited to see what thatlooks like and feels like.
So if you are ready to join us,if you're ready to be met in
your Born Through Grief journey,you know where to find me for
one-on-one work and for thesanctuary.
And, without further ado,here's a further exploration
(09:42):
around needs.
Oh, and one last thing whenthis episode ends, it ends in an
extended moment of silence,letting you process and connect
with whatever's coming upthrough the practice that I lead
you through, through thereflection that I lead you
through.
This is the time, in thesanctuary, where we start to
(10:03):
move into mentorship.
This is the time in thesanctuary where we start to move
into mentorship, and so justnote that this will end with an
extended time of silence, andthen the music will kick in when
the episode is over.
Okay, now here you go.
So let's just do some internalsacred tending.
You can follow along and justkind of be with yourself in it,
(10:29):
taking a moment in your chair,eyes open or closed, to feel
your butt and feel yourselfarriving to the end of your day,
taking a few conscious breathsin and really allowing them to
(10:56):
begin to slowly bring you intoyour body, maybe even bringing
your attention to any energymoving in your head space and
just with each breath kind ofbreathing that down your face
into your heart and then slowlyinto your belly on the exhales.
(11:16):
Take a couple of those on yourown, just taking a tender,
(11:46):
precious moment with yourselfhere of acknowledgement of
whatever you're feeling.
If it feels good to place ahand on any part of your body,
you can do that and I'm justclosing my eyes to tune into
things, but you can for surehave them open and just let a
(12:09):
sense of connection withyourself be made, like I'm
coming back to beautifulconnection with myself after a
long day, welcoming in awareness, awareness of what you're
(12:33):
feeling, awareness of whatyou're needing, awareness of
(12:54):
your energy level, of anyexhaustion and and of anything
else.
Just as you sink back intoyourself with your breath, as
(13:16):
you kind of feel yourself, maybeeven lean back in your chair a
tiny bit, what do you becomeaware of?
What's asking for awareness andthen inviting in a sense of
(13:50):
acknowledgement and justacknowledging each of those
things that came up,acknowledging yeah, I see you
and I hear you to every part ofyourself.
Just kind of acknowledgement toyour body, acknowledgement to
(14:15):
your emotional self of like,yeah, that's real.
Acknowledgement of your energylevel.
Yeah, acknowledgement of yourneeds and desires right now that
(14:40):
may or may not feel met or thatthey are going to be met.
And when we're beyond the kindof self-check-in state, I'll
(15:02):
talk about two things that arecoming up right now to talk
about.
That you can revisit or respondto later on.
But just being with needs anddesires is so important and yet
being in the acknowledgement ofthem is even more important,
without the attachment ofneeding them to be met Because
(15:24):
we may not be able to meet themor they may not needing them to
be met because we may not beable to meet them or they may
not be able to be met externallyright now.
And as you continue to breathehere, just inviting in a
(15:46):
invitation of acceptance, notneeding to force acceptance, not
even needing to try to acceptanything, just inviting
acceptance in and seeing how itmight appear today, like, okay,
(16:06):
I'm willing to play with you,acceptance, I'm willing to
consider you.
This is I breathe, what happensas we make space for acceptance
, as we make space foracceptance of who you are right
(16:37):
now, of where you are right now,of your needs, of your energy
levels and more, not even tryingto accept them, like I already
said, just welcoming thepotential of acceptance in and
seeing what happens as we take abreath or two, thank you.
(17:14):
So before we move on, justtaking a breath or two so
(17:40):
Noticing where you're landinginternally.
So I was having a conversationwith a friend today who lost a
(18:07):
parent recently and we weretalking about the journey of
having a deeply connectedexperience with grief and
feeling the call.
Often that is not from ouranything physical is not from
(18:30):
our mind.
It's like some call from oursoul to have an intimacy with
grief, basically an innerrequirement to have intimacy
with grief in a way that theworld often doesn't or doesn't
understand, and how strange thatcan be to process it with
people that are living it in adifferent way or aren't grieving
(18:52):
the same things.
And one thing that really arose, as I was just kind of
listening to where she was at,was something was again this
very, very important part aroundthe kind of prerequisite that
(19:13):
we have to walk through or tomove through in order to step
into relationship with grief ina more fluid way, which is
growing in our relationship toourself and the yeah, there's
kind of a prerequisite to beingable to connect with grief on
(19:36):
these deeper levels and that isthrough, in my experience, being
able to connect with grief onthese deeper levels and that is
through, in my experience, beingable to connect with ourselves
in that way, which is ultimatelylike the overarching theme of
all of our work and all of mywork is and anybody that's ever
worked with me is cultivatingdeep, deep relationship with
self.
And as we do that, we aremeeting all of these parts of
(20:00):
ourselves and all of theseemotions and all of these
experiences with deep connectionas well, from the basis of that
relationship.
So, if you're here, you'vealready been working on that in
your life because you're here.
Nobody that's not open to that,nobody, that yeah, nobody would
work with me if they're notopen to that.
And a huge piece of that whichis often really confusing is
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connecting with our needs andconnecting with our desires from
a clear place as a deeprelationship with ourselves, and
it's mainly confusing from theplace of needs, especially for
women in our society where needshave not all often been
considered important or we havenot been given the space to
voice them, and beginning tocome into relationship with our
(20:52):
needs is kind of a huge,foundational piece of our
ongoing grief journey.
However, a lot of the timesthis can be taught or looked at
or addressed from a place ofwell, if I look into my needs,
(21:13):
then I must figure out how theyare going to be met, and it can
come from a place of control.
And while I totally get thatbecause usually that is just
trying to patch pain and preventus from pain, it is just a
really, really important safetymechanism.
(21:34):
The truth of needs often bringsus to the truth of the pain, of
them not having been met by us,by others, by God or however
(21:57):
you relate to the beyond orhowever you relate to the beyond
.
And it's a very courageous actin my experience to begin to
claim our needs in past versionsof ourselves and in present
versions of ourselves from aplace of I really needed or I
(22:21):
really need this If it wasn'tmet in the past, grieving that
need not having been met.
There's often anger here,there's often a whole slew of an
experience here and then in thepresent.
Also, I'm claiming this need,just stating I really need this
(22:46):
and I don't know if it's goingto be met.
And when we talk about that,there's a gap of grief and fear
and relationship with theunknown that's created when we
have the bravery to state thatand step into.
(23:07):
Basically, by stating it andnot knowing how it's going to be
met, we are stepping into a newrelationship with the unknown.
We're allowing ourselves to befully seen, stated, claimed and
for the unknown to meet us inthat or not meet us in that.
(23:29):
The unknown, in my experience,in my sense of it, always meets
us, but it may not be an activesense of meeting our needs us,
but it may not be an activesense of meeting our needs.
And so when I bring up theawareness of our needs today,
oftentimes when I explore thiswith one-on-one clients, we go
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into this a lot and it can bereally scary just to claim like
I need rest, I need this, I needthat, I need money, maybe I
need you know there's a millionthings we could need, but
ultimately I think it usuallycomes down to like space
(24:13):
connection, obviously having ourbasic needs met and claiming
that or stating that.
And then, once we do that, weare invited into three
potentials.
One is that this need ispotentially meetable by
(24:41):
ourselves and we can offer thatwitnessing and that healing and
support to ourselves by stating,oh, I really need sleep.
Okay, I am going to go to sleep, I'm just using an example.
Or, oh, I'm really needing toeat, even though nobody else is
hungry.
I need to go find myself somegood food or make myself
(25:04):
something.
Or I really need to go to thebathroom and even though this
isn't a potentially appropriatetime to go to the bathroom in
the sense of society, like Ineed to honor my body's need to
go to the bathroom right now.
So we're invited into thepotential of turning towards
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that need and seeing can I meetthis right now?
And exploring that if we can wemay not always be able to,
oftentimes we can't we're alsoinvited into a place where we
have a need and somebody elsecould potentially support us in
that, and this is usually areally vulnerable place to share
(25:50):
our needs with other people andto say I'm really needing
support, or I'm really needingto know that you'll be there, or
I'm really needing a hug, orI'm really needing to not make
dinner tonight.
(26:10):
Can you please, or you know,there's a million different
iterations of this.
I'm really needing to go on anadventure, will you join me?
And so we're also invited into.
Like, the first level isourselves stating our needs,
letting them kind of just existin the abyss and letting
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ourselves sit with what is oftenthe discomfort of really
stating and claiming our needsin a place where we have
indirectly or directly likelybeen told that we should be
needless.
And then we get to kind ofexplore that need and our
(26:59):
potential ability to supportourselves in it, and in many
ways this might be healing andat the same time we might not be
able to.
And then we get invited intothe next layer, which is other
people.
And is this a need that I feellike I can express?
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And if I do express it, areothers able to meet me in it?
And I may express it and theymay not be able to meet me in it
.
Every time we step out from theself a little bit further, we're
surrendering a little bit morecontrol.
We're surrendering a little bitmore control.
We're surrendering to thepotential of the unknown.
(27:43):
We're surrendering to thepotential that we may not be met
and yet it is worth it simplywhen it's in our capacity to do
so, simply to explore, becauseoftentimes needs simply need.
Needs simply need awareness andrecognition.
(28:08):
Yes, of course they need to bemet.
There are very basic needs thatneed to be met we need a house,
we need food, we need water, weneed sleep, we need income to
be able to support these partsof our lives, et cetera, and
beyond that.
Many times, on an emotionallevel, on a spiritual level,
(28:32):
those needs can be there, butwhat they most need is
witnessing.
And so, as we witness ourselves, as we potentially explore
being witnessed by others in ourneed, which can be extremely
vulnerable, especially when wedon't know if they're capable of
meeting us in it or meeting it,we also have the awareness that
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it may not be meetable by ahuman or we may not be able to
control it.
And so is God, the divineuniverse, able to meet us in it?
And oftentimes, when we're notable to meet ourselves and we
don't feel either in a space tobring it to others or just
others can't meet us in it, myprayer is just to lift up my
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need, like I don't know how thiscan be met, but I gotta lift it
up to you because I don't haveany way of meeting it myself.
There's a very deep place ofvulnerability of simply
acknowledging, layer after layeras we go deeper into our
journeys, with grief and notwith grief this I came into this
(29:37):
from a grief angle, but it is aprerequisite to really being
able to do this in grief anyways, to be in a place where we can
say and claim what our needs arewithout the expectation that
they will always be met.
It's a very, very, veryvulnerable thing always be met.
(29:59):
It's a very, very, veryvulnerable thing For me when I
was exploring this, the firsttime I kind of stepped into my
need exploration was about sevenyears ago and I was terrified
terrified to even consider thatI had needs like terrified and
(30:23):
to even consider that I had allof these needs from the past
that had never been met and thatI had just skimmed over the top
of or that I had needed to finda way through because they
hadn't been met.
And I usually just found it bysquashing them down and trying
to be somebody that didn't needanything from anybody else.
(30:44):
And oftentimes grief or brokenopen moments or whatever it is
that brings you into deeperrelationship with yourself,
requires us to go through agentle or not gentle version of
reclamation, reclaiming each ofthese things, reclaiming the
(31:05):
foundation of our humanness,which is neediness.
So just take a second now itlooks like Allison already did
this, but if you're watching thereplay, just take a second now
and let's come back to thatquestion of awareness and
awareness of what needs might bepresent right now, and then
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let's just step intoacknowledgement, like that is a
real need, that is a real need.
I see that this is valid, thisis real, this is legit, and I'm
so sorry if this hasn't been metin the past.
I'm so sorry that it has notbeen met.
(31:54):
And standing here now, inrelationship to that need, we
can ask is this a need I am ableto meet?
And if it's a no, that's okay.
Is this a need other people areable to meet?
(32:17):
And, as you sit with it, itmight be a no too.
And if it's a no-two, that'sokay.
And any needs that areunmeetable in our humanness,
just lifting them up to theunknown, lifting them up to the
(32:40):
mystery, to God.
I know every person in here hastheir own relationship with the
divine and or is in theirexploration of their
relationship to the divine, andso sometimes just saying like I
don't know, I'm just liftingthis up to whatever's there
because I don't know how to meetthis, but then just taking the
moment to sit with, what is itlike to really sit with this
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need, to recognize it, to affirmit and then to be open to the
potentials that it's notmeetable, but to be aware of
that?
And just in that act, in myexperience, we begin to
disconnect a little bit more ordecouple that's a better word,
decouple, uncouple from thesolving brain, because a lot of
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the times when needs arise andwhen needs come up, we are
spurred into our I don't know,I'm number one here Intellect,
one here, intellect, myintellect goes crazy trying to
solve it and figure it out.
And so when we go through thisprocess of can I meet this
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personally?
Are others going to be able tomeet it?
Is there actually somebody thatwould help me with this?
And then, if there's a no toall of these things, can I just
lift this up?
And as we go through the act ofthat and kind of the surrender
of it, while still being inrelationship to the need, in my
experience we begin to createspace to experience the need on
(34:14):
a deeper level, in a differentway, potentially on an emotional
level, potentially from a placeof spiritual, inner wisdom,
because our mind has no longerhijacked it as its project that
it is trying to solve.
And so what is it like for youto simply sit with that, to sit
(34:38):
with that process right now?
I'll walk you through it again.
What needs are present rightnow, what needs are asking to be
(34:59):
seen and known and acknowledged, and just really feeling that
need and feeling where it mightbe located in your body, how
it's speaking to you, what itfeels like.
(35:20):
Then, give space for anythingthat might be swelling up with
it.
Are there images from the past,or memories from the past, or
(35:40):
emotions from the past?
Or sometimes even in myexperience, as I simply
recognized my needs, I ended uprealizing how long they had been
there without beingacknowledged and I just felt so
much immense inner grief andsadness that it had been there
(36:03):
the whole time.
So just giving space to what theexperience of actually seeing
(36:25):
and being in relationship withyour needs is and letting any
emotion be there and then,parallel to that, just letting
the emotion stay We'll come backto it in a moment and checking
in with is this a need that Ican meet right now?
Is there any way I can turntowards this part of myself and
step in and step in If there is,explore that lean into that.
(36:57):
How can you do that?
And if not, just take a momentto sit with the reality of the
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no.
What does it feel like to notbe able to meet your own needs?
It might feel helpless orhopeless.
Maybe there's peace here, maybeit's okay.
There's a whole range of thingsthat might exist here.
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And then taking a breath andasking is this a need that
anybody else can meet?
Is there anyone in my life thatis able to potentially meet
(38:27):
this need?
If I were to voice it to themand to share it with them from a
really like open place and seeif somebody comes up and if
there is somebody, take a momentto explore.
And if there is somebody, takea moment to explore.
(38:52):
Oh, what would it be like tostep out and vulnerably state
this need to them From a reallya place of love for myself and
(39:23):
love for them?
What would it be like toadvocate for myself in this way?
And if the answer is no,there's nobody that can meet
this need, let's sit with thatthat can be big.
Sometimes these needs are like Ineed this to happen or I need
this to change now because Idon't feel like I have the
(39:44):
capacity to keep going like thisor whatever it is, and
sometimes, as we just state theneed, we realize it's unmeetable
by other humans.
There's nothing anybody cantangibly do in this moment to
satisfy this and to to not evensatisfy, fulfill this need.
(40:10):
There can be just a cavern ofemotion in this and there could
be peace too.
It could feel devastating andreally scary to just hold this
in yourself in your heart, scaryto just hold this in yourself
(40:35):
in your heart, something thatnor you nor any other human can
change in this moment or fulfillor meet in this moment.
And also there can be this deepconnection to the greater part
of us in this space, to thegreater part of us in this space
, to the vast non-humanness,while we are very clearly in a
(40:57):
human moment, and then taking abreath and lifting any unmet
(41:24):
needs, unmet pieces, up to thedivine, up to the heavens, out
to the universe, up to God,however, and out to God.
However you want to do this,just surrendering it to the
unknown.
I'm just going to give a momentof silence for you to
experience this and to see whatcomes as you do this, thank you.
(42:43):
Thank you for listening totransformed by grief.
Please take a moment to rate,review and subscribe to the show
and to share it with a lovedone that needs this medicine
today.
If you are ready to deepen intoyour own Transformed by Grief
process, you can join thesanctuary membership or work
with me one-on-one at eliflocom.
See you soon.
Welcome to Transformed by Grief.
My name is Ellie Thomas and Iam here to guide you on your
transformational grief journeyFrom feeling lost, raw and
brokenhearted, questioningeverything in you and around you
, to reconnecting to the truthof who you are and the beauty,
fulfillment and vibrancy of lifethat is still available in you
(00:27):
and through you.
On this podcast, we explore thedepths of what it means to say
yes to life again after you'vebeen broken open by pain and
grief.
We will explore what it meansto create a deep, loving and
reverent relationship toyourself, to grief and to life
in a way that allows you tobegin to rebuild from the inside
(00:49):
out and to create a powerfulfoundation for a joy-filled,
alive feeling and fulfillinglife you love.
Welcome back to Transformed byGrief.
I'm so glad to bring youtoday's episode because we're
(01:11):
getting into a really importantand not talked about that often
conversation.
Subject all about needs.
Our human needs are the basisof our vulnerability, our
neediness, our humanness.
That can very much come alivein any grief journey, in any
(01:34):
broken open moment.
We've been talking a lot aboutthis in the sanctuary in the
past couple months becausebeginning to have a deep
relationship, awareness,connection, honoring of our
needs, even when we can'tperfectly fulfill them, or even
when we need things that gobeyond the power of our
(01:57):
humanness, is the basis of anytransformational journey, is the
basis of any transformationaljourney Beginning to really
understand ourselves, the partsof ourselves that have been
(02:20):
molded by our past and leftscars and holes that need
tending to and that help createour wholeness, actually, when we
connect with those kind of gapsin where we have been tended to
, where we are still in need oflove, where we are still in need
of connection, where we arestill in need of nurturing and
(02:40):
support, and it goes on and on.
But this is truly the basis ofall transformational work,
whether it be specifictransformational grief work.
In my experience, grief arisesin every single transformational
journey.
Most people just don't realizethat grief is there when they
(03:02):
embark on it.
Grief has so many differenttextures and flavors and ways of
arising in our system and as asociety, we have come to
understand grief in a verytangible way.
I lost something.
Therefore, I have grief, butit's so much bigger than that.
(03:26):
And so this place of connectingto ourselves on this human
level, it requires coming backto the body, it requires coming
back to deep relationship withour humanness, our imperfection,
the parts of us that we haveprobably tried to hide and
override for years and years andyears.
(03:48):
If we are operating in theworld that we're operating in
especially if you are a womanand this place of beginning to
connect with my needs.
I remember beginning my workwith my coach in oh, let's see,
(04:08):
it was a long time ago, maybesix years ago now, five or six
years ago.
Beginning to open up to thework of grief required that I
come into deeper relationshipwith, and not even the work of
grief.
Beginning to open up to my ownrelationship with grief and
beginning to allow and createthe foundation for which I could
(04:31):
move with my grief and releaseyears of of Harvard grief and
where I could begin to allow thebuilt up inner pressure of
suppressed emotion to escape sothat I could feel myself again.
All of this started withbeginning to acknowledge my
needs and beginning to own themwith love and beginning to
(04:54):
advocate for myself in theseways, and beginning to have a
conversation with myself aboutwhere I had been pretending to
not have needs or just simplysubconsciously overlooking
because I didn't feel safe toacknowledge them, or like they
could be acknowledged, like itwas okay for me to be in my
imperfect humanness.
(05:14):
So there is so much here.
I feel like I could do anentire masterclass on this and
maybe we will.
If you want that, let me know,because this is like the before
you even lay the concrete or thebricks of the foundation of a
(05:35):
house you're building like.
This is the I'm thinking of theword in Spanish bigas.
This is like the really strongiron or steel rods that go into
the ground that holds yourstructure together and that
ground your structure to theearth.
And needs are exactly that, orlet me say that better are
(06:02):
relationship to our needs andhaving and developing a
relationship to our needs andbeginning to understand the many
different aspects and wherethey come from and how they
relate to what we're feeling andwhat we're processing.
That is like these, you know,huge pillars of support and huge
pillars of grounding thatground us into the experience of
(06:25):
transformation and ground us,bring us back to our humanness
so that through that, we canopen to divinity, so that we can
open to wholeness, so that wecan open to these greater parts
of ourselves.
It's interesting A lot of timeswhen we're working with this
and we're working with thesekind of cracks in ourselves or
these I've been using a littlebit the analogy of Swiss cheese
(06:49):
and the sanctuary like the holesin our Swiss cheese, those are
actually the holes through which, as we tend to them and allow
energy to flow through them.
Again, a lot of the times we'vebeen trying to patch them up and
keep them on the down low andto like pretend that they're not
there.
But actually, when we come intorelationship, to patch them up
and to keep them on the down lowand to like pretend that
they're not there, but actuallywhen we come into relationship
to them, that's where so many ofour gifts and so much of our
(07:12):
like divine essence, your soul,begins to flow through and that
is where we end up connecting toourselves.
So this is like really humble,nitty-gritty feeling work at the
beginning of being in ourhumanness and acknowledging the
things that we didn't get, thatwe really needed when we were
younger, the things that westill are needing now, coming
(07:34):
into relationship to that now,grounding ourselves in the
imperfection of humanness, andthrough that journey we
rediscover and come into so muchmore of ourselves and have the
invitation to allow this greaterenergy to express through us.
So today I am sharing for therest of the show this kind of
(07:55):
opening talk around needs that Igave in the sanctuary.
It's about half an hour longand there's also a practice at
the end that leads you intorelationship, kind of connective
relationship with what's there.
It talks about how we can meetour needs and how sometimes we
can't, and what to do there andhow to be in the gap of that
(08:16):
when we feel grief and emotionthere, and I guide you through
that the whole time.
This is a very kind ofopen-hearted, grounded
conversation and so it doesn'tmove really quickly, but that's
part of the invitation to allowyourself to just let the words
and the concepts and the ideasand the exploration sink in and
(08:37):
then at the end I'll lead youthrough a practice of just
acknowledging and coming intoconnection with the needs that
are present in your life andwhat that might be bringing up
now.
So, as always, if you wouldlove to explore this more and
work with me and a beautifulcommunity around this more and
(08:57):
develop all these differentlayers of your transformation,
the sanctuary is always open.
Join us.
We meet generally on Wednesdays.
The timing varies a little bitbecause we've got people in all
different time zones, but thereare such special calls.
Every call has just been soincredibly life-giving and we're
really moving into a season ofuncovering more.
(09:20):
I can feel that happening inthe people that are present, and
I'm excited to see what thatlooks like and feels like.
So if you are ready to join us,if you're ready to be met in
your Born Through Grief journey,you know where to find me for
one-on-one work and for thesanctuary.
And, without further ado,here's a further exploration
(09:42):
around needs.
Oh, and one last thing whenthis episode ends, it ends in an
extended moment of silence,letting you process and connect
with whatever's coming upthrough the practice that I lead
you through, through thereflection that I lead you
through.
This is the time, in thesanctuary, where we start to
(10:03):
move into mentorship.
This is the time in thesanctuary where we start to move
into mentorship, and so justnote that this will end with an
extended time of silence, andthen the music will kick in when
the episode is over.
Okay, now here you go.
So let's just do some internalsacred tending.
You can follow along and justkind of be with yourself in it,
(10:29):
taking a moment in your chair,eyes open or closed, to feel
your butt and feel yourselfarriving to the end of your day,
taking a few conscious breathsin and really allowing them to
(10:56):
begin to slowly bring you intoyour body, maybe even bringing
your attention to any energymoving in your head space and
just with each breath kind ofbreathing that down your face
into your heart and then slowlyinto your belly on the exhales.
(11:16):
Take a couple of those on yourown, just taking a tender,
(11:46):
precious moment with yourselfhere of acknowledgement of
whatever you're feeling.
If it feels good to place ahand on any part of your body,
you can do that and I'm justclosing my eyes to tune into
things, but you can for surehave them open and just let a
(12:09):
sense of connection withyourself be made, like I'm
coming back to beautifulconnection with myself after a
long day, welcoming in awareness, awareness of what you're
(12:33):
feeling, awareness of whatyou're needing, awareness of
(12:54):
your energy level, of anyexhaustion and and of anything
else.
Just as you sink back intoyourself with your breath, as
(13:16):
you kind of feel yourself, maybeeven lean back in your chair a
tiny bit, what do you becomeaware of?
What's asking for awareness andthen inviting in a sense of
(13:50):
acknowledgement and justacknowledging each of those
things that came up,acknowledging yeah, I see you
and I hear you to every part ofyourself.
Just kind of acknowledgement toyour body, acknowledgement to
(14:15):
your emotional self of like,yeah, that's real.
Acknowledgement of your energylevel.
Yeah, acknowledgement of yourneeds and desires right now that
(14:40):
may or may not feel met or thatthey are going to be met.
And when we're beyond the kindof self-check-in state, I'll
(15:02):
talk about two things that arecoming up right now to talk
about.
That you can revisit or respondto later on.
But just being with needs anddesires is so important and yet
being in the acknowledgement ofthem is even more important,
without the attachment ofneeding them to be met Because
(15:24):
we may not be able to meet themor they may not needing them to
be met because we may not beable to meet them or they may
not be able to be met externallyright now.
And as you continue to breathehere, just inviting in a
(15:46):
invitation of acceptance, notneeding to force acceptance, not
even needing to try to acceptanything, just inviting
acceptance in and seeing how itmight appear today, like, okay,
(16:06):
I'm willing to play with you,acceptance, I'm willing to
consider you.
This is I breathe, what happensas we make space for acceptance
, as we make space foracceptance of who you are right
(16:37):
now, of where you are right now,of your needs, of your energy
levels and more, not even tryingto accept them, like I already
said, just welcoming thepotential of acceptance in and
seeing what happens as we take abreath or two, thank you.
(17:14):
So before we move on, justtaking a breath or two so
(17:40):
Noticing where you're landinginternally.
So I was having a conversationwith a friend today who lost a
(18:07):
parent recently and we weretalking about the journey of
having a deeply connectedexperience with grief and
feeling the call.
Often that is not from ouranything physical is not from
(18:30):
our mind.
It's like some call from oursoul to have an intimacy with
grief, basically an innerrequirement to have intimacy
with grief in a way that theworld often doesn't or doesn't
understand, and how strange thatcan be to process it with
people that are living it in adifferent way or aren't grieving
(18:52):
the same things.
And one thing that really arose, as I was just kind of
listening to where she was at,was something was again this
very, very important part aroundthe kind of prerequisite that
(19:13):
we have to walk through or tomove through in order to step
into relationship with grief ina more fluid way, which is
growing in our relationship toourself and the yeah, there's
kind of a prerequisite to beingable to connect with grief on
(19:36):
these deeper levels and that isthrough, in my experience, being
able to connect with grief onthese deeper levels and that is
through, in my experience, beingable to connect with ourselves
in that way, which is ultimatelylike the overarching theme of
all of our work and all of mywork is and anybody that's ever
worked with me is cultivatingdeep, deep relationship with
self.
And as we do that, we aremeeting all of these parts of
(20:00):
ourselves and all of theseemotions and all of these
experiences with deep connectionas well, from the basis of that
relationship.
So, if you're here, you'vealready been working on that in
your life because you're here.
Nobody that's not open to that,nobody, that yeah, nobody would
work with me if they're notopen to that.
And a huge piece of that whichis often really confusing is
(20:29):
connecting with our needs andconnecting with our desires from
a clear place as a deeprelationship with ourselves, and
it's mainly confusing from theplace of needs, especially for
women in our society where needshave not all often been
considered important or we havenot been given the space to
voice them, and beginning tocome into relationship with our
(20:52):
needs is kind of a huge,foundational piece of our
ongoing grief journey.
However, a lot of the timesthis can be taught or looked at
or addressed from a place ofwell, if I look into my needs,
(21:13):
then I must figure out how theyare going to be met, and it can
come from a place of control.
And while I totally get thatbecause usually that is just
trying to patch pain and preventus from pain, it is just a
really, really important safetymechanism.
(21:34):
The truth of needs often bringsus to the truth of the pain, of
them not having been met by us,by others, by God or however
(21:57):
you relate to the beyond orhowever you relate to the beyond
.
And it's a very courageous actin my experience to begin to
claim our needs in past versionsof ourselves and in present
versions of ourselves from aplace of I really needed or I
(22:21):
really need this If it wasn'tmet in the past, grieving that
need not having been met.
There's often anger here,there's often a whole slew of an
experience here and then in thepresent.
Also, I'm claiming this need,just stating I really need this
(22:46):
and I don't know if it's goingto be met.
And when we talk about that,there's a gap of grief and fear
and relationship with theunknown that's created when we
have the bravery to state thatand step into.
(23:07):
Basically, by stating it andnot knowing how it's going to be
met, we are stepping into a newrelationship with the unknown.
We're allowing ourselves to befully seen, stated, claimed and
for the unknown to meet us inthat or not meet us in that.
(23:29):
The unknown, in my experience,in my sense of it, always meets
us, but it may not be an activesense of meeting our needs us,
but it may not be an activesense of meeting our needs.
And so when I bring up theawareness of our needs today,
oftentimes when I explore thiswith one-on-one clients, we go
(23:51):
into this a lot and it can bereally scary just to claim like
I need rest, I need this, I needthat, I need money, maybe I
need you know there's a millionthings we could need, but
ultimately I think it usuallycomes down to like space
(24:13):
connection, obviously having ourbasic needs met and claiming
that or stating that.
And then, once we do that, weare invited into three
potentials.
One is that this need ispotentially meetable by
(24:41):
ourselves and we can offer thatwitnessing and that healing and
support to ourselves by stating,oh, I really need sleep.
Okay, I am going to go to sleep, I'm just using an example.
Or, oh, I'm really needing toeat, even though nobody else is
hungry.
I need to go find myself somegood food or make myself
(25:04):
something.
Or I really need to go to thebathroom and even though this
isn't a potentially appropriatetime to go to the bathroom in
the sense of society, like Ineed to honor my body's need to
go to the bathroom right now.
So we're invited into thepotential of turning towards
(25:26):
that need and seeing can I meetthis right now?
And exploring that if we can wemay not always be able to,
oftentimes we can't we're alsoinvited into a place where we
have a need and somebody elsecould potentially support us in
that, and this is usually areally vulnerable place to share
(25:50):
our needs with other people andto say I'm really needing
support, or I'm really needingto know that you'll be there, or
I'm really needing a hug, orI'm really needing to not make
dinner tonight.
(26:10):
Can you please, or you know,there's a million different
iterations of this.
I'm really needing to go on anadventure, will you join me?
And so we're also invited into.
Like, the first level isourselves stating our needs,
letting them kind of just existin the abyss and letting
(26:32):
ourselves sit with what is oftenthe discomfort of really
stating and claiming our needsin a place where we have
indirectly or directly likelybeen told that we should be
needless.
And then we get to kind ofexplore that need and our
(26:59):
potential ability to supportourselves in it, and in many
ways this might be healing andat the same time we might not be
able to.
And then we get invited intothe next layer, which is other
people.
And is this a need that I feellike I can express?
(27:22):
And if I do express it, areothers able to meet me in it?
And I may express it and theymay not be able to meet me in it
.
Every time we step out from theself a little bit further, we're
surrendering a little bit morecontrol.
We're surrendering a little bitmore control.
We're surrendering to thepotential of the unknown.
(27:43):
We're surrendering to thepotential that we may not be met
and yet it is worth it simplywhen it's in our capacity to do
so, simply to explore, becauseoftentimes needs simply need.
Needs simply need awareness andrecognition.
(28:08):
Yes, of course they need to bemet.
There are very basic needs thatneed to be met we need a house,
we need food, we need water, weneed sleep, we need income to
be able to support these partsof our lives, et cetera, and
beyond that.
Many times, on an emotionallevel, on a spiritual level,
(28:32):
those needs can be there, butwhat they most need is
witnessing.
And so, as we witness ourselves, as we potentially explore
being witnessed by others in ourneed, which can be extremely
vulnerable, especially when wedon't know if they're capable of
meeting us in it or meeting it,we also have the awareness that
(28:53):
it may not be meetable by ahuman or we may not be able to
control it.
And so is God, the divineuniverse, able to meet us in it?
And oftentimes, when we're notable to meet ourselves and we
don't feel either in a space tobring it to others or just
others can't meet us in it, myprayer is just to lift up my
(29:14):
need, like I don't know how thiscan be met, but I gotta lift it
up to you because I don't haveany way of meeting it myself.
There's a very deep place ofvulnerability of simply
acknowledging, layer after layeras we go deeper into our
journeys, with grief and notwith grief this I came into this
(29:37):
from a grief angle, but it is aprerequisite to really being
able to do this in grief anyways, to be in a place where we can
say and claim what our needs arewithout the expectation that
they will always be met.
It's a very, very, veryvulnerable thing always be met.
(29:59):
It's a very, very, veryvulnerable thing For me when I
was exploring this, the firsttime I kind of stepped into my
need exploration was about sevenyears ago and I was terrified
terrified to even consider thatI had needs like terrified and
(30:23):
to even consider that I had allof these needs from the past
that had never been met and thatI had just skimmed over the top
of or that I had needed to finda way through because they
hadn't been met.
And I usually just found it bysquashing them down and trying
to be somebody that didn't needanything from anybody else.
(30:44):
And oftentimes grief or brokenopen moments or whatever it is
that brings you into deeperrelationship with yourself,
requires us to go through agentle or not gentle version of
reclamation, reclaiming each ofthese things, reclaiming the
(31:05):
foundation of our humanness,which is neediness.
So just take a second now itlooks like Allison already did
this, but if you're watching thereplay, just take a second now
and let's come back to thatquestion of awareness and
awareness of what needs might bepresent right now, and then
(31:32):
let's just step intoacknowledgement, like that is a
real need, that is a real need.
I see that this is valid, thisis real, this is legit, and I'm
so sorry if this hasn't been metin the past.
I'm so sorry that it has notbeen met.
(31:54):
And standing here now, inrelationship to that need, we
can ask is this a need I am ableto meet?
And if it's a no, that's okay.
Is this a need other people areable to meet?
(32:17):
And, as you sit with it, itmight be a no too.
And if it's a no-two, that'sokay.
And any needs that areunmeetable in our humanness,
just lifting them up to theunknown, lifting them up to the
(32:40):
mystery, to God.
I know every person in here hastheir own relationship with the
divine and or is in theirexploration of their
relationship to the divine, andso sometimes just saying like I
don't know, I'm just liftingthis up to whatever's there
because I don't know how to meetthis, but then just taking the
moment to sit with, what is itlike to really sit with this
(33:02):
need, to recognize it, to affirmit and then to be open to the
potentials that it's notmeetable, but to be aware of
that?
And just in that act, in myexperience, we begin to
disconnect a little bit more ordecouple that's a better word,
decouple, uncouple from thesolving brain, because a lot of
(33:25):
the times when needs arise andwhen needs come up, we are
spurred into our I don't know,I'm number one here Intellect,
one here, intellect, myintellect goes crazy trying to
solve it and figure it out.
And so when we go through thisprocess of can I meet this
(33:50):
personally?
Are others going to be able tomeet it?
Is there actually somebody thatwould help me with this?
And then, if there's a no toall of these things, can I just
lift this up?
And as we go through the act ofthat and kind of the surrender
of it, while still being inrelationship to the need, in my
experience we begin to createspace to experience the need on
(34:14):
a deeper level, in a differentway, potentially on an emotional
level, potentially from a placeof spiritual, inner wisdom,
because our mind has no longerhijacked it as its project that
it is trying to solve.
And so what is it like for youto simply sit with that, to sit
(34:38):
with that process right now?
I'll walk you through it again.
What needs are present rightnow, what needs are asking to be
(34:59):
seen and known and acknowledged, and just really feeling that
need and feeling where it mightbe located in your body, how
it's speaking to you, what itfeels like.
(35:20):
Then, give space for anythingthat might be swelling up with
it.
Are there images from the past,or memories from the past, or
(35:40):
emotions from the past?
Or sometimes even in myexperience, as I simply
recognized my needs, I ended uprealizing how long they had been
there without beingacknowledged and I just felt so
much immense inner grief andsadness that it had been there
(36:03):
the whole time.
So just giving space to what theexperience of actually seeing
(36:25):
and being in relationship withyour needs is and letting any
emotion be there and then,parallel to that, just letting
the emotion stay We'll come backto it in a moment and checking
in with is this a need that Ican meet right now?
Is there any way I can turntowards this part of myself and
step in and step in If there is,explore that lean into that.
(36:57):
How can you do that?
And if not, just take a momentto sit with the reality of the
(37:30):
no.
What does it feel like to notbe able to meet your own needs?
It might feel helpless orhopeless.
Maybe there's peace here, maybeit's okay.
There's a whole range of thingsthat might exist here.
(38:04):
And then taking a breath andasking is this a need that
anybody else can meet?
Is there anyone in my life thatis able to potentially meet
(38:27):
this need?
If I were to voice it to themand to share it with them from a
really like open place and seeif somebody comes up and if
there is somebody, take a momentto explore.
And if there is somebody, takea moment to explore.
(38:52):
Oh, what would it be like tostep out and vulnerably state
this need to them From a reallya place of love for myself and
(39:23):
love for them?
What would it be like toadvocate for myself in this way?
And if the answer is no,there's nobody that can meet
this need, let's sit with thatthat can be big.
Sometimes these needs are like Ineed this to happen or I need
this to change now because Idon't feel like I have the
(39:44):
capacity to keep going like thisor whatever it is, and
sometimes, as we just state theneed, we realize it's unmeetable
by other humans.
There's nothing anybody cantangibly do in this moment to
satisfy this and to to not evensatisfy, fulfill this need.
(40:10):
There can be just a cavern ofemotion in this and there could
be peace too.
It could feel devastating andreally scary to just hold this
in yourself in your heart, scaryto just hold this in yourself
(40:35):
in your heart, something thatnor you nor any other human can
change in this moment or fulfillor meet in this moment.
And also there can be this deepconnection to the greater part
of us in this space, to thegreater part of us in this space
, to the vast non-humanness,while we are very clearly in a
(40:57):
human moment, and then taking abreath and lifting any unmet
(41:24):
needs, unmet pieces, up to thedivine, up to the heavens, out
to the universe, up to God,however, and out to God.
However you want to do this,just surrendering it to the
unknown.
I'm just going to give a momentof silence for you to
experience this and to see whatcomes as you do this, thank you.
(42:43):
Thank you for listening totransformed by grief.
Please take a moment to rate,review and subscribe to the show
and to share it with a lovedone that needs this medicine
today.
If you are ready to deepen intoyour own Transformed by Grief
process, you can join thesanctuary membership or work
with me one-on-one at eliflocom.
See you soon.
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