October 10, 2024 • 65 mins
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Prepare to be inspired as Goddess Cecilia, a Filipina pleasure educator, shares her transformative journey towards creating healing spaces for BIPOC women and femmes. Discover how a serendipitous encounter in a Facebook group led her to the empowering realm of sex education and advocacy at the Sex Geek Summer Camp. Cecilia's insights into reclaiming pleasure narratives for survivors of sexual violence shed light on the impact of trauma influenced by oppressive systems, and highlight the crucial role of collective support in healing.
We break down cultural misconceptions about Filipinos, challenging stereotypes and celebrating the richness of Filipino heritage. From language struggles to cultural pride, Cecilia paints a vivid picture of the immigrant experience in the United States. Personal anecdotes reveal the absurdity of common stereotypes, while also touching on serious topics like the challenges of assimilation and the complex dynamics within Filipino families, especially when addressing issues like familial abuse and divorce.
Cecilia's passion for building supportive networks resonates deeply as she discusses the importance of community for trauma survivors. The episode highlights the creation of "Tending the Garden," a digital platform providing resources for sexual assault survivors, emphasizing inclusivity and understanding. Cecilia's story of navigating motherhood as a survivor adds a heartfelt layer to the conversation, showcasing the strength of reparenting and conscious parenting in shaping a better future. Join us as we explore the power of community, resilience, and the shared journey towards healing and empowerment.
Thank you all for listening. Set a boundary with yourself this week, set a boundary with someone else. If someone else does not respect that boundary. LET THEM LOOSE YOU! Stay hydrated internally and externally. We do not have an ashy family.
IG: @The_Trauma_Within
Youtube: https://www.youtube.com/@thetraumawithin
Jimanekia Ig: @Jimanekia
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 2 (00:12):
Cecilia Valero, aka Goddess Cecilia, is a Filipina
pleasure educator, advocate andconsultant.
Through her company, mermaidfor pleasure, she strives to
create trauma-informed spacesfor BIPOC women and femmes,
focused on expanding, reclaimingand liberating their pleasure
(00:33):
narratives, especially forsurvivors of sexual violence.
Y'all we got, goddess Cecilia,I love you baby.
(00:57):
Thank you, fabulous, fabulous.
(01:31):
So I I'm excited to have aconversation with this person,
as I'm excited to have aconversation with everyone,
because these are all my friends.
Um, but this particular humanis part of the reason that I am
a sex educator, because we meteach other on the intranets and
we'll talk about it and we'll gofrom there.
That's how we're just going tostart.
(01:51):
So my first question for you,lovely human, is who?
Speaker 1 (01:55):
are you?
Well, my name is CeciliaVillero, and otherwise known as
Goddess Cecilia, everywhere onthe internet.
I'm a Filipina pleasureeducator, advocate and
consultant, part-time mermaid,parent, survivor, human
(02:20):
California girl living on theEast Coast.
Speaker 2 (02:24):
We'll never claim New England as a home, even though
I live here, but I don't claimit, cause you shouldn't.
Cause, you're not I just don'twant to Okay.
How did we meet in your ownversion before I get, before I
was getting into it.
Speaker 1 (02:44):
Okay, so my version of events was uh, we were in
some like random Facebook group,uh, that comprised of mainly
women of color, uh, in or aroundor from the Los Angeles area.
I wasn't even living there whenI was in that group, um, and I
(03:05):
believe something came up about,like someone randomly had a
question about like sex orsexuality or pleasure, and I
asked, I answered the questionand I think you messaged me and
was like hey, that's superexciting that you're a sex
educator.
I'm going to this event calledSex Geek Summer Camp this summer
.
And I was like, oh my gosh,like like this is so exciting
because I was totally thinkingabout going but I wasn't sure if
(03:30):
I should go.
But now that you're going, Ialso want to go strangers.
And you're straight like I didnot even know each other, only
knew that we had similarlocation.
You know preferences but alsoyou lied because you didn't even
live here and um, and we wereboth in the sexuality field or
(03:56):
like interested in getting moreinto the sexuality field.
I think we were both kind of indifferent parts of our lives
and trying to learn more aboutthe business aspect of it, which
is what sex geek summer campwas really about, and like we're
immediate friends, like I don'teven think that there was a
question that like, okay, thisis the person that I'm gonna
look for, because we uh we were.
(04:16):
We arrived at differentairports, I think, if I remember
correctly, and I got on the busfirst yeah, when I lost all my
shit, oh right, oh god, why werethose bus rides?
Speaker 2 (04:28):
so you're like yeah oh god, I mean like we didn't
know.
I think that was amazing yeah,it was.
Speaker 1 (04:38):
It was wonderful.
I mean, it was likelife-changing for sure.
Like I'm so glad that you saidsomething, cause I think at the
time I was still very shy aboutlike who I was in the world and
you just are so unapologeticallyyou that like it was.
It was what I needed, for sure.
Oh my God, I remember all ofthat.
(05:01):
Sorry, I don't know if you canhear the garbage truck right now
.
Can you hear the garbage truck?
Speaker 2 (05:07):
nope, no garbage truck.
You're doing great, okay, okay,sorry go ahead, chris, cut out
the garbage, talk, um no, I.
I remember all of this.
I think it was like a gno kindof group and we were.
We also hyped each other upbecause we can be like oh no,
(05:27):
because we are women of colorgoing to West Virginia the woods
one of the States and we werelike I don't know.
Speaker 1 (05:35):
I never ever imagined ever wanting to go, it was not
on the list, and we did it morethan once.
Speaker 2 (05:41):
That's crazy.
So what does trauma mean to you?
Speaker 1 (05:50):
What does trauma mean to me?
So I think so I kind of want topreface this by saying that I
was trained to be a macro socialworker.
So I think in very like, largeterms a lot of the time.
So I think in very large termsa lot of the time.
And so when I think abouttrauma and what it means to me,
I think about all of theoppressive systems that exist
(06:14):
that create situations that harmother people or that harm the
individuals, harm groups ofpeople, harm specific types of
people.
And at this point in you know,in our history, in Beyonce's
(06:35):
year of 2024, like everybody atthis point has experienced some
form of trauma, maybe not thelittle littles you know, but
like even then they're kind ofgetting some of the residual
stuff that their parents mighthave experienced, oh say, during
a lockdown of a pandemic orduring.
(06:57):
You know this current likegenocide or during.
You know all of these thingsthat are happening, a current
like genocide during.
You know all of these thingsthat are happening, and I say
current in that like there havebeen, you know, continual
genocides that have beenhappening, and like things
happening around the world forso long and and so like.
It is something that I think atthis point has touched
(07:20):
everybody in the world thetrauma specifically, everybody
in the world, the traumaspecifically, um, specifically,
and like generally, you know, um, and, and there are, there is
the possibility of like healingfrom that, or healing, you know,
the journey of healing.
That can coincide with that, ifwe are all able to sort of come
(07:43):
together and agree that, likecollectively, we can do this
together.
You know, does that make sense?
Speaker 2 (07:52):
it does make sense.
Speaker 1 (07:53):
Okay, pause, though I feel like I hear like a rubbing
that is probably the garbagetruck, because that's literally
the only noise that's happeningright now.
Is it still happening?
Speaker 2 (08:05):
wait, stop talking it kind of sounds like you're like
rubbing your, like scratchingyour nails on the desk nothing.
Speaker 1 (08:15):
It's the garbage truck, for sure I don't.
I'm so sorry about that.
It's gotta be.
There's nothing, oh, oh, Iwonder if it's.
I wonder if it's, I wonder ifit's this Did that does it stop?
Speaker 2 (08:32):
No, I feel like it got louder actually.
Speaker 1 (08:36):
No, oh, let me, okay, let me turn off the fan Hold on
what.
Speaker 2 (08:42):
I don't think it's the fan, it's not the fan.
Speaker 1 (08:49):
It's not the fan, because it was still happening
when you stood up.
Speaker 2 (08:53):
Well, turn the fan fucking back on.
Don't be hot, don't beuncomfortable.
Speaker 1 (09:02):
I literally have no idea.
The microphone is on.
Speaker 2 (09:14):
I don't know what it is.
Okay, we'll just over talk it.
Speaker 1 (09:16):
Okay, let me turn my mic down.
Okay, anything.
Speaker 2 (09:25):
Nope, it's still happening.
Dang it so sorry, hopefullychris, you edit this, okay.
No, I don't know what'shappening right here background
music.
Okay, we're gonna get back intothis.
I'm gonna clap us back in,chris get ready.
One, two, three.
Okay, what do you think are alot of common misconceptions
(09:55):
about Filipina culture?
Speaker 1 (09:56):
or Filipino culture.
I think that it is barelycoming to a place in which
people are becoming aware thatit's even something different,
unless you have been surroundedby Filipinos.
It's not necessarily somethingthat, like people are aware of.
I think that some of themisconceptions are that we're
(10:24):
all.
You know, like we like loveamericans so much and like you
know, we like um, specificallylike filipinos in the
philippines, like, oh my god, welike love americans so much and
like, by, by extension,filipino americans are the same.
You know, like that is our like,and I'm speaking specifically
(10:47):
about white folks, but alsogenerally like americans in
general, it's like you know, wejust want to be part of the
culture so badly, um, and Ithink that what gets lost is
that we do have such a strongconnection to a lot of our like
cultural heritage.
(11:08):
Um, we're so proud of our food,we're so proud of our dances,
like anytime there is someonewho is, uh, like a quarter
filipino in their, in their likeheritage, we're like we love
them, they're, they're Filipino,you know, like they're just,
(11:29):
we're just so proud of dibs.
We're taking them dibs, callingthem, calling them in the
contingent, um, and I think that, like I mean, there's also some
of the more like silly ummisconceptions about Filipinos,
that like we all can sing, which, like I mean not, not true but
(11:51):
also, you know, like noteverybody's a lot of filipino uh
elvis's
Speaker 2 (11:57):
yeah there are, you know what, there are a lot, you
know el's, which is interesting.
Speaker 1 (12:02):
Yeah, yeah, one hundred percent.
And so you know, like obviouslynot everybody like not
everyone's a monolith, of course.
I think there's also on thelike darker side.
(12:25):
Some of the misconceptions arethat we are all just like really
good at sex.
Like wow, what a thing, andI've been told that to my face,
you know.
Like oh yeah, oh, um, this islet me, let me just quick side
story here.
Speaker 2 (12:35):
This is like the most ridiculous the most ridiculous
situation.
Speaker 1 (12:40):
I was with my friend on this like quasi date I wasn't
with a date like this guy wastrying to date her and she was
like please just come with me.
I don't know how I feel abouthim and then at that moment,
it's clearly not happening, yeah, and so he was like oh, you
know, so where are you from thewonderful question that many
(13:01):
asian people still get to thesedays?
And I'm like Los Angeles.
He's like no, no, no.
Speaker 2 (13:06):
But where are you?
Speaker 1 (13:09):
from and luckily for him, I was actually born in the
Philippines.
But like huge overgeneralization for so many
people and um, and he was like,oh, the Philippines.
My brother was stationed thereand immediately was like, oh
great.
Speaker 2 (13:25):
No, here we go, here we go yeah.
Speaker 1 (13:28):
And he said that, like Filipinos are the best at
sex, which is also like they arethe best at the sex.
You know, like what the fuck?
Speaker 2 (13:40):
What a random thing to just decide.
Speaker 1 (13:44):
Oh, and I was like oh , did he guy who delivers pizza?
Speaker 2 (13:51):
he said y'all are good at the sex.
That's crazy, but also theaudacity that you could just say
to my face, to my face at adate that you're trying to date
my co-worker Like this is soawkward.
Speaker 1 (14:07):
It was just beyond awkward.
Clearly she didn't date him,Thank God, but it was not.
We really liked that pizzaplace too, which was unfortunate
, so we kept having to see hisass.
Speaker 2 (14:22):
Ruin everything.
What was it like for yougrowing up as a little, a little
human?
What was the baby mermaid like?
Speaker 1 (14:32):
oh, um, I was.
I mean, I think I think a lotabout having been four years old
and moving to the US, like I'm.
Technically, I'm a 1.5immigrant, which means that I
was born in another country butgrew up in the country that I'm
currently living in.
(14:52):
Um and so, so you know a lot ofpeople will be like oh, I
didn't realize that you wereborn in the Philippines because
you speak English so well, whichis another fun thing to hear
quite often love amicroaggression all right, right
, and it's just like oh, butactually, in theory, even if
even if I didn't have an accentor whatever, like filipinos will
(15:16):
probably generally have a goodenglish, good grasp on english,
the language, becausecolonization, right like.
Anyway, I'm not gonna get toodeep into it, we can but like
that's literally the thing isthat, like the philippines was
colonized by the us for so manyyears and they built the
education system that was there,um, and so yeah english is like
(15:39):
the second language and it'snot even everybody speaking
English, essentially, um, and so, coming here, there was a lot
of like certainly trying toassimilate, right, like trying
to um, trying to lose my accentbecause I 100% got made fun of
(15:59):
for having an accent, eventhough I spoke English really
well.
Um, and so I remember likeactually having the conscious
decision as a young person,maybe like five, um, to stop
speaking Filipino because mycause.
I didn't want to get made fun ofUm, but you know, I I grew up
around a lot of my family.
(16:19):
My family, you know, liveliterally like with us, next
door to us, um and uh, and Ifelt like um, yeah, like really
connected to them, especiallythe, the older relatives, my
grandparents, my, my paternalgrandparents, in particular, um,
(16:39):
and then eventually my, mymaternal grandmother came and
lived with us and we lived inlike a tiny cottage that was
behind my grandmother's houseand it was a one bedroom and we
had a bunk bed where I was onthe top bunk and then my mom and
my little sister was on themiddle bunk and my brother and
(17:03):
my dad were on the trundle bedthat like pulled out and my
grandmother slept on the sofabed in the living room and then
the Northridge earthquakehappened and I was like, okay,
we're not sleeping on the bunkbed anymore.
I think to reverse this.
Thank you, yes, and so for sometime I actually slept in the
sofa bed with my grandmother.
(17:24):
For some time I actually sleptin the sofa bed with my
grandmother, but like I decidedto change it up and so I would
sleep in the opposite directionfrom her, so her feet would be
like here to me and my feetwould be like where her head was
.
I'm glad that she didn't movethat much, or I didn't move that
much because, like, could youimagine us like accidentally
kicking each other in the middleof the night?
Um, that would not have beenfun, but like that's.
(17:45):
That's kind of what life waslike at that time, you know.
And then eventually we movedinto another house where I had
(18:06):
to share rooms with my varietyof friends as well, you know,
like I feel like I was, um, youknow how, like in like middle
school and high school, likethere's all of these like
cliques and things that happenand that sort of thing.
Like I felt like, oh, I know,yes, I felt like my group was
(18:27):
definitely the group of likerandos and some who were also
like hung out with other people,but like we would all kind of
also just come together duringlunchtime and like hang out, and
so we were very diverse, likelots of different ethnicities,
um, different genders,sexualities, and we all just
kind of were like chill witheach other.
(18:48):
And so I think I and I I liketo say that that part of it was
just growing up in LA.
I think that it makes it reallyeasy to have that kind of
situation happen.
I think that it makes it reallyeasy to have that kind of
(19:13):
situation happen, especially ifyou were like bused to your
school, really value diversityand really value other people's
opinions and like all thedifferent things that I could
learn from folks who didn'tnecessarily look like me.
Speaker 2 (19:31):
Yeah, I think that's amazing.
I think that the stereotypesare fucking hilarious.
We all have them, and the ideasof you know that people only
look one way is something thatwe often have to navigate,
especially being right now.
She's.
We're all green here, but todaywe're kind of honing in on
(19:54):
something that you've talkedabout a lot, that has turned
into somewhat your life's work.
I know your story because youtalk about it often, but how
hard, if anything like it maynot be hard, but what has it
look like?
That's a better way to ask whathas it look like being a
survivor that is Filipina.
Speaker 1 (20:28):
What's really interesting about that question,
I think, is that I am findingthat there are, like even though
my experience is very much myown individual experience and
other people's experience isvery much their own individual
experiences there is this likeunderlying collective experience
with other Filipinas that Ifound, and that is that there is
, generally speaking, this sortof like oh, you know, like the
(20:53):
family may be like verysupportive at some point or
another, and then there's a veryswift sort of like sweeping it
under the rug and like, okay,now we've talked about it, but
we don't have to talk about itever again.
Sort of situation, yeah, um, andwhether or not, like, if the
(21:14):
perpetrator, the abuser, isstill present, then, um, then
that is handled in a totallydifferent way.
Um, in my personal experience,um, the person happened to be um
, married into our family, um,and filipinos historically don't
really and and currently sortof kind of um, don't really
(21:38):
didn't really divorce back inthe day, in fact, like um, it's
still technically illegal in thephilippines, um, is it it is
because it's still technicallyillegal in the Philippines?
Is it it is Because it's aCatholic?
It's a very Christian Catholiccountry, and they literally like
some of the lawmakers.
This I want to say this wasvery recent.
It was the ability to be or toget divorced was approved in the
(22:01):
House and it's like waiting tobe approved by the Senate.
Speaker 2 (22:05):
Oh, so it's not even approved yet.
Speaker 1 (22:06):
They just like no yeah, oh, yeah, yeah, um, and so
many of the politicians arelike, oh well, you know, like we
have to, we want the laws to bein line with religious values.
And it's like do religiousvalues want you to be trapped in
in an awful relationship?
Really Like, is that the value?
Awkward, you know?
So, um, so my aunt, you know,stayed married to the person who
(22:33):
, uh, abused me, and there was alot of this pushback that I got
from her that was like hey, youknow, like here's a couple of
like Bible verses via text aboutforgiveness.
And I was like, oh, I'm not theone, I'm not the person.
Oh, wrong person.
Oh yeah, I like I appreciatethat this.
(22:55):
I think I said like Iappreciate that this works for
you, but it doesn't work for me,so please stop you know, and
then it was like, oh when, whenthat conversation happened or
when the abuse happened.
Speaker 2 (23:06):
Yeah, both Either or, but for definitely, for
definitely, for sure.
When was she texting you?
Speaker 1 (23:15):
Oh, I was in my 20s at that point.
Okay, yeah, I want to say likemid 20s mid to late 20s is when
that happened, when I startedreally talking about it with my
family.
Yeah, and it was yeah and and,and that was when, like, um,
(23:37):
social media was starting toreally be like more of a thing,
like facebook was kind ofgetting started, and I quickly
learned that I was likeunfriended by my aunt on all the
social media platforms.
I was like uh-huh, I see, okaythat's how it's gonna be um, but
yeah, and I think that there is, even if the family's not
(24:00):
necessarily religious so much ofthe culture as it stands today
has been influenced bychristianity, by catholicism, by
being colonized that, likethere is still this, um, this
feeling of like.
Oh, you know, we don'tnecessarily talk about that
(24:20):
stuff and and this is more theFilipino side there's also a
very strong feeling of likekeeping the family unit safe,
and so what that might mean isthat it might mean, you know,
not necessarily the individual'ssafe, but how the family might
(24:45):
be perceived externally.
Let's say, right, or like,trying to keep the units
together, like trying to makesure that, like, people can stay
married, or, you know, um, thechildren stay with their
families and that whole thing,um, or like just generally being
connected to each other.
Um, and and sometimes, and Ithink, unfortunately, if you are
(25:13):
at the receiving end of atraumatic experience, they don't
necessarily know how to handlethat right.
Like we weren't given the toolson what happens next, when,
when the decision to keep theabuser connected to the family
happens, like what happens tothe person who was the survivor
(25:37):
of that right, um, and I thinkthat that I mean that situation
can certainly be very different.
Um, and I think for me therewas a lot of the like going
hiding it under the rug and notreally talking about it, but
(25:57):
like it's always there.
It's always kind of lingering.
We all kind of know whathappened and we're not really
going to talk about it.
Speaker 2 (26:05):
Um, yeah, yeah what was it like in like your
immediate family home like?
what was it like being like yourimmediate family home Like what
was it like being a survivorand having those conversations,
like telling your mom, tellingyour dad, you know, letting your
siblings know because there'salways like the bigger outside
family than those, the peoplethat you see all the time in
(26:26):
your home, that you're likeyou're here again, Like what was
it like?
Navigating, you know, sharingsomething that, as I know, you
held for so long, and then toactually share it like what was
that like for you?
Speaker 1 (26:40):
Oh, it was definitely super worrisome.
Like I remember the moment ithappened because we were my
parents were visiting me when Iwas up at UC Santa Cruz.
They were visiting me and wewere driving back to their hotel
and I was like this is themoment, this is the time when I
have to tell them, because Idon't think I can wait.
(27:02):
This is just us alone here.
And I remember like being sonervous because like, oh my God,
like just imagining that my, mydad was driving, just imagining
that he would be so shocked bythe news that he would like lose
control of the car, like myimagination went a little
haywire you know, like cause,like, oh my God, what if this?
(27:24):
happens, um, and so I just likeit was like hey, you know, I
have something to tell you guysthat I've been kind of holding
onto for a while.
And when I told them, I mean itwas like kind of silent for a
while and they're like when didthis?
And then the questions startedcoming.
You know, and I think myparents did the best that they
(27:47):
could with the resources thatthey had, with the information
that they had.
After I I let them know abouteverything that had happened and
like the kind of the storylineof it all, with the resources
that they had, with theinformation that they had.
Um, after I I let them knowabout everything that had
happened and like the kind ofthe storyline of it all.
Um, one of the things that theywanted to do was start kind of
telling our other relatives whoare around, who had young kids
around him, um, and like kind ofslowly start letting other
(28:13):
people know.
And I did tell them that, like,if you want to share the story
so that I don't have to keepdoing it, I'm totally fine with
that, you know.
But I think that they were.
They.
I mean, I actually a part of mewonders if it was hard for them
to vocalize, to like reallytalk about.
So they did kind of leave it upto me to talk to other people,
(28:36):
um, which I like respect, like Ican imagine that like having to
talk about it is still verypainful for them.
Um, I don't think it manifestsin the best way all the time,
because what for sure my parentsare like weirdly, they've been
so progressive my whole life andsuddenly they're like slightly,
(28:57):
that's not true.
Why am I lying?
I'm not I mean to be lyingespecially about my parents.
They were.
They were definitely had somelike traditional streaks,
traditional quote-unquotestreaks to them, and yet they
had a lot of very like sociallyprogressive ideas.
You know what I mean.
But within the household it wasa little more like traditional
quote-unquote streaks to them,and yet they had a lot of very
like socially progressive ideas.
You know what I mean but,within the household.
It was a little more like youcan't date until you're 18 and
(29:21):
which I did not listen to, psand you know, like you know, you
should try to find like atraditional job, whatever the
hell that means, like they triedmy mom once upon a time, very
recently, listening to that yeah, yeah, you know.
She was like why don't youbecome a dentist?
And I was like stereotypical.
Speaker 2 (29:40):
Does she offer you to be a nurse?
No, dentist, okay yeah, shesaid medical she sure did.
Speaker 1 (29:50):
She was like we don't have a dentist in the family.
I was like, okay, well, you'relike that's wild.
Speaker 2 (29:56):
What's that got to do with me?
Speaker 1 (29:57):
that's great, well, actually what I said to her was
that that's those are not theholes that I wanted to deal with
and that's I'm sure she wasover you.
Speaker 2 (30:07):
She was like never, nevermind.
You know what she was like.
You know problem Slick mouthmillennials.
What did or what has supportlook like for you?
Speaker 1 (30:44):
Hmm, for me, support has always been externally,
outside of my family.
The first people I ever toldabout what happened were my
friends at the time.
Some of my like really closemiddle school friends wonders
like, did we get some sort ofyou know like psa about this or,
uh, some after school specialat that?
You know like, how did, how didmy friends know to just be like
the best in that situation,like believed me right away,
(31:07):
didn't question it at all?
Um, and, and we're very muchlike, what do you need from us?
Like do you need us?
How can we support you?
You know like there wasn't, andthere was also a little bit of
a like do you need us to kickhis ass?
And I'm just like, no, you know, I know not yet.
Um, I mean I los angeles, youknow like we know how to.
(31:34):
We know how it rolls and so Imean, you know, for the right
thing.
Um, so yeah, like I was reallylucky in that sense, and I hate
I sometimes hate saying that youknow what I mean, but it was
just the circumstances that thathappened to be where I was.
(31:57):
Um, I would wish that everybodywould have that kind of support
.
You know what I mean that, atthe very least, that there's one
group of people who believe you, whether or not it's your
family, um, and when I did tellmy family, they did believe me.
You know, my, my parents 100,believe me didn't question it at
all.
We're definitely shocked, youknow, especially considering
(32:20):
that this person was, was, youknow, the, the trusted guy right
, um, the guy that was like thefunny, hilarious jokester that
everybody wanted at the parties.
And you know, telling mysiblings, who are five and seven
years younger than me, when Iwas like in my mid-20s, was like
(32:42):
, okay, you know, this is biginformation that I've been
sitting on for a really longtime, and it was also a little
bit of like fact-finding withthem as well.
Well, like, was there anythinguntoward that happened to either
of you?
And luckily, the answer was no,um and and um, and I think you
(33:05):
know like, eventually,eventually it took a little
longer than it should have, buteventually I did go into therapy
, um, and I was with that sametherapist for so many years like
I'm trying to do the math likemaybe like 15 years.
(33:25):
I was with the same therapist,um, and only recently did I
realize that I wanted to have atherapist who was also Filipino,
um, and so I luckily have that.
Speaker 2 (33:39):
Yeah, we love.
We love when we find what weneed.
Um, we in what ways?
Pause, chris got that Okay.
Um, oftentimes, as adults andpeople that work in this, in
this space, we create the thingsthat we wish we had.
Is there anything that you wishyou had received in support?
Speaker 1 (34:15):
I think I wish that there was more open conversation
about it, like, especiallywithin my family.
I wish that it was somethingthat I could bring up to them
without it feeling like I'm likeputting them in an like it's
going to be an awkward situationor but that it, you know, it's
(34:36):
not that there's potential forlike healing on the other end of
that for all of us.
Right, that it's not me tryingto be um a troublemaker or you
know, and I don't, and part ofit is like I don't know if this
is just something that I've umput on myself, you know, but it
(34:56):
is definitely like in some ofthe attitudes and some of the
even the victim blameystatements that I've heard them
say, not even necessarily about,you know, sexual violence, just
in general.
You know that I'm like okay,violence and life, yeah, general
.
You know that I'm like okay,right, you know, and and if it's
(35:17):
like you know something badthat happens to somebody, that
there's this like oh well, theywere engaged in, like you know,
really troublesome activitiesanyway, and you know like I'm
trying to find the right wordsfor that, but like that's
basically.
I've heard, I've literallyheard people say that you know
like, oh well, they were engagedin like really troublesome
(35:40):
activities.
So and it was like that doesn'tmean that they deserve the harm
that was that they experienced.
It was yeah, and so I think,like being able to just be like
really open about it, being ableto lay everything out on the
table and like talk about what,um, what healing looks like for
(36:05):
those of us who are becoming theadults in the family, you know,
or who are at this point likeparents or, um, the ones who are
kind of like have to take thetorch next, you know, as our,
like, older relatives arestarting to pass so, something
(36:28):
that happened a few years agoyou became a mother.
Speaker 2 (36:34):
I sure did.
How has it been you did?
Our little intelligent got alot of questions.
Comments concerns little salt.
He's like I'm here, um, I'm aproduct of you.
Um, how has that affected theway that you now navigate?
Like?
I think that oftentimessurvivors have like different
(36:57):
things that come up for them aslike being a mother and also
like how has that affected you,like the cultural aspects of
being a Filipina mother?
That is a survivor.
Speaker 1 (37:08):
Hmm, ooh, I love this question, um, I think that I
well in this in this currenttime of the internet too, or I
feel like there's been this hugeuptick in, um, in like
(37:28):
conscious parenting unquote,right in that, like you know,
not punitive type of parenting,which is what many of us who are
of this age kind of received.
And, like my family, my parentswere very, uh, they weren't
necessarily like abusive, butthere was, you know, the
flip-flops came quick and fastand with enough, you know, with
(37:52):
enough motion to sting a littlebit, and that's not something
that I would want for school.
You know, these little Asianladies, they got a lot of power,
strong.
Speaker 2 (38:08):
They're strong.
Speaker 1 (38:09):
So like they're so strong, like I'm so strong and
so I think that like um, youknow, wanting to be better for
him has been there's been somuch of the like inner work that
has to happen, right, like thething that nobody tells you.
I mean, there's a lot of thingsnobody freaking tells me about
(38:30):
parenting, but the major thingis that you essentially have to
reparent yourself while you arealso parenting this other human.
You know, like I highlyrecommend everybody kind of
reparent themselves, but whenyou have to do it while you're
also trying to do so with alittle human, I don't look
(38:53):
honestly as a parent who lovesbeing a parent.
Most of the time I I honestlydon't recommend like, if you can
avoid it, good for you, fuckinghard work, you know, just
saying um and so and so then,like being a survivor and and
(39:16):
also, I think, being a sexeducator, being, um, filipina,
there's been these like momentsin time where I'm like, oh shit,
this is how I'm reactingbecause of this other situation
that it's putting me in asimilar place to you know, like
(39:37):
there's been so much of the likeinner work that has had to
happen and it's made me muchmore aware of potential
milestones, let's say, forexample, or like similar themes
and ideas that kind of have comeup for me, like, for example, I
was four when I moved from thePhilippines to the US huge
(40:00):
transition, I don't know if it Imean like.
Possibly I could think aboutlike how it affected, how it has
affected me.
But my kid Sol is four yearsold right now, turning five, and
so I'm and in kindergarten, soI'm also like very aware of like
okay, is there going to be likepotential bullying that's
(40:21):
happening?
Um, how can I keep my kids safe?
Um, conversations about home andlike, what does home look like
for us?
You know like, because ofcourse, I'm, you know being here
in Boston and still very muchfeeling um homesick for LA.
(40:41):
Like, all the time there's aconstant conversation of like,
well, what does that mean for us?
And like, is it something thatI can build?
Is the home feeling somethingthat is buildable here for me,
as my kid feels extremely homehere, you know like, um, there's
a lot of that.
There's a lot of that sort ofum like mirroring almost in a
(41:07):
way of like the things he'sexperiencing with how I am
experiencing life right now aswell.
Um, and I think that, especiallylike being a survivor and a sex
educator.
You know, really wanting tomake sure that, um, that we
(41:27):
start the conversations aboutbody parts right away, that we
start the conversations aboutconsent right away and the and
the consent piece I think the uma lot of people talk about like
, oh, you know, you want to like, um, let's make sure that your,
your kids, understand that theyhave bodily autonomy, that they
don't necessarily have to hug arelative.
(41:50):
You know, like being forcedinto hugging relatives or having
like physical contact withrelatives, that sort of thing.
But that piece isn't so much.
I mean, yes, it is definitelylike teaching the young kid,
teaching the baby is this, butso much of it is teaching the
adults around that child.
Speaker 2 (42:09):
That lesson, you know , and so like there's that whole
piece too, um, yeah, oh, mygosh, motherhood is a trip yeah,
I mean it's not for me and, um,I know that and that's okay,
because sometimes I strugglewith feeding myself every day,
(42:31):
so I I got to feed you too.
That's wild, and that's thelowest part.
That you haven't clothed,bathed, oh bless you.
Every time I look at my friendsthat have kids and I'll be like
check you.
Out.
Speaker 1 (42:45):
Look, and here's the thing, I hate that there's still
the pressure on people to feellike, or like people will try to
put that on other people oflike oh well, maybe one day
you're going to want to be aparent, and it's just like stop
everybody.
Just please, your God, stopstop doing that to people you
know, because those of us whoare parents you know what we
need.
We need folks who are childlessto do all of the like fun
(43:11):
things that I might not do withmy kid and everyone's like oh
yeah, like I love when peopleare saying things that like oh
yeah, I love sugaring them upand then handing them back to
the parents, I'm like great.
Cause I don't think I would havedone that, and what a great
experience for my kid to havethat in another trusted adult.
You know what I mean.
Even if then I have to dealwith his bedtime, it's fine.
(43:31):
You had a great day.
Speaker 2 (43:32):
Sure, you know what I mean, even if, then, I have to
deal with his bedtime.
Speaker 1 (43:34):
It's fine, you had a great day.
Sure, now you're fine.
But yeah, right, it's like.
Well, you know, but like I, I'dlove for my kid to experience
those things that's such a funway to look at.
Speaker 2 (43:46):
it is like, look, no, go out and experience other
safe adults, uh, and do shitthat I also don't want to do
with you.
So go, go do.
Yeah Also gives you a break.
You're like, yeah, go ahead.
Speaker 1 (44:00):
That part too Exactly .
Speaker 2 (44:06):
What has community looked like for you?
You know we talked about likewas it like?
Like what are the things youneeded?
But like as a grown-up that isover the age of 18, knowing like
, yes, we've had friend groups,but I think like sometimes you
can have friends in all kinds ofplaces.
You know, we all know how Ifeel about the f word I don't
(44:28):
call everybody my friend, butit's controversial.
But I think that there's alsothe idea of community, and it
doesn't always look one way.
But what does community looklike for you?
What has community felt likefor you, and in what ways do you
think it can improve?
Speaker 1 (44:49):
oh well, I think that , interestingly enough, in this
current time, my community haslooked very, uh, diverse and I
oh sorry about the sun sunningright now.
Um, sorry about that.
I just saw my face go likewhite and I got scared and
(45:09):
you're getting blinded, but it'sfine for me.
I don't I'm, I'm okay, okay,like it looks like you're
getting interrogated with aflashlight I don't know what
else to do.
Um well, so also.
Um.
So, for me, like community haslooked really um diverse, I
(45:31):
would like to say.
It might feel sometimes likeit's all over the place in
different ways, but I do feellike there has been this very
diverse situation that has comeup.
Let me give you an example.
While I don't necessarily havemy like immediate family who can
(45:55):
like help in a moment's notice,let's say like in person, I am
still very close to my siblings.
We have like our separate chatin which we have conversations
about different things and like,especially when our parents are
being annoying, um.
And then we have my partner'sfamily, who literally live above
(46:19):
us, who can, you know, help andsupport us?
Uh, if let's say, likeyesterday, for example, like we
needed somebody to pick soul upfrom school, uh, because we were
in the middle, andrew and Iwere in the middle of a project
trying to rearrange his room,and we're we can't stop what
we're doing, and someone wasable to do so.
There's also the slowly sort ofbuilding of local parents,
(46:49):
other local parents who havekids in the same age range.
So like, hey, we're gonna go tothe, the park really close by,
like, is anyone else planning togo out?
Or other people will say like,oh yeah, we wanted to go out too
, so then the kids can playtogether and the adults can be
adults and like haveconversations sometimes just
(47:09):
about our kids, but also, youknow, like not feeling like
we're having to watch ourchildren like hawks all the time
, um.
And then there's, um, you know,of course, the squad which is,
um, our little friend group offolks who are all over the place
(47:29):
who, um, I feel like have been,my like business support have
been, my mental health supporthave been, who are like one of
the first group of people whowere there when I just had a
baby.
Like virtually, you know, likethere's there's so much of that
(47:54):
love and community that I knowthat I have in different ways
and like that I know that I canaccess in so many different ways
and and like the hard part isand this is the thing that I
think could be improved is thatI am 100% awful at asking for
help.
(48:15):
I'm so bad at it Just so I meanI've I've gotten better, so
maybe like 99.9% now, but likeI'm working on it.
It's a constant work inprogress, trying to ask for and
I think part of that is, likeyou know, having grown up in the
(48:40):
Filipino culture there is thissort of feeling of like you
don't necessarily want to askfor favors, because then it
means you're going to have tofigure out how to pay that favor
back, and so you know I meanand not necessarily monetarily,
but kind of with everything inlife so like if you do something
(49:00):
, there's this sort of like quidpro quo that has to happen and
that's not necessarily true,right, like people could just
support you just because theywant to support you and that
feels good for them.
Support you just because theywant to support you and that
feels good for them, um, and soI think, like trying to find, uh
, a way to not then feel guiltyabout asking for help is is
(49:23):
always something that I couldwork on.
Speaker 2 (49:27):
That's such an interesting thing to like bring
up is like culturally, y'all arelike no, and so I guess that
actually is.
My next question is like whatkind of tips do you have for
other hopefully other Filipinasthat are listening to this that
were like, oh, somebody thatlooks like me, because we, you
know, as individuals, we know,having someone that looks like
(49:49):
you, instantly you feel a littlesafer to be like.
Well, tell me what you've beendoing, cause I've been looking
for someone else that looks likeyou instantly you feel a little
safer to be like.
Well, tell me what you've beendoing, because I've been looking
for someone else that lookslike me.
That might have a similarexperience.
So, like what kind of tips doyou have for folks?
Speaker 1 (50:02):
I think that, um, I think that well, so tips I do
want to put up there reallyquick is that there there are
some, some of these likebarriers every once in a while
and that like like.
Speaker 2 (50:16):
I want to be like hey , I'm here, like I'm a support.
Speaker 1 (50:18):
You know what I mean.
But first you have to find me.
Not that I'm not findable, I'mvery findable on the internet,
unfortunately slash, fortunately, but um, but like there are
people who are here, we exist.
You know, if you're feelingthat way, there's definitely
someone else out there who'sfeeling in a very similar way.
(50:43):
And and that, like community canexist.
And I think at this point, Iespecially feel like we are at a
place where it's up to us now,you know, like it's up to us now
, like we're the ones that haveto kind of build, build the
(51:04):
thing so that people can show up.
And that's definitely like partof what I tried to do in my
work is like trying to.
That's definitely like part ofwhat I try to do in my work is
like trying to foster spaces.
Um, even if it's like, even ifI'm, I'm there for a completely
different purpose, if I'm ableto sort of foster the space, to
(51:25):
let it be a place where peoplecan feel like they can uh, feel
supported, then you know great,then I feel like I've done my
job in a way, even if it wasn'tthe initial thing I came there
for.
And so, and I think that, like,I think there's also this
(51:46):
feeling of like not still likenot sure whether or not it's
okay to talk about it, and I andI think maybe that's part of
why it's hard for us to findeach other is because we're
we're not necessarily liketalking about it all the time,
but it's, it's a part of ourstory.
Right, it doesn't make who weare, but it's still a part of
(52:09):
our story and if it's somethingthat you want to talk about,
like, your voice is 100% needed.
You know it's needed otherpeople you might be the person
that people need to find, right,yeah?
Speaker 2 (52:22):
Yeah, I think that's so important to note, like there
is.
We will not be the first peoplethat are survivors that talk
about it, and unfortunately, wewon't be the last.
And also, I always tell peoplelike I'm not for everybody, like
you might not be for everybody,but we are needed for somebody,
we're needed for somebody atsome point, like just like we
(52:44):
needed people, um, which youknow, you kind of touched on it
a bit.
So for folks that don't know,uh, goddess, cecilia is also on
the board of my nonprofitTending the Garden, which was
created because I didn't seesurvivors that looked like me.
Often it was often very thin,white women that were sexual
(53:07):
assault survivors, which they doexist, but statistically, all
of us with that melanation,trans folks, queer folks, black
folks, brown folks, asian folks,native folks, etc.
Etc.
Are those that are highestharmed.
But I never saw people thatlook like me.
So I was like, well, that's notfor me.
We don't have a differentexperience, and so something
(53:30):
that you know we've been tryingto create, which we'll talk
about a little bit more, is likecreating community spaces for
those of us that have beenmarginalized, and I always say
like those of us that have beenmarginalized because it's been
forced upon us, not like we aremarginalized.
No, no, no, you put it.
You put that on us, baby, thisis a huge problem.
Yes, and something that westarted.
(53:56):
We started last year.
You, you wanted to do a supportgroup specifically for
individuals that look like youtell me, talk to me about, like,
the importance of having thatcommunity space and we'll talk a
little.
I'll flush it out a little bitmore because I've been working
on some stuff but, uh, tell meabout, like, the importance of
having a support group.
Has looked like or felt likefor you, or why you think it is
needed.
Speaker 1 (54:18):
I think the general feeling that has come from that
support group and I'd like tothink that it was echoed with
the folks who participated was100% this feeling of like.
Oh my gosh, you know, likeother people are talking about
this, other people who look likeme, who I don't have to
necessarily explain you know whymy family is being the way that
(54:41):
they are.
Like, we just understand.
That feeling of like, we justunderstand, is so important,
it's so important, so valid, sonecessary, and I think it was
also so simple in it's just it'sbeen really wonderful and I
(55:15):
know that like it's energized meto um, to feel like, okay, you
know, like the, the, the, thegroup of us, you know, who have
been coming together, eventhough, like, we're providing
the space, like it's it can be,um, like a joint healing
(55:36):
together, um, just to just torecognize somebody else.
Speaker 2 (55:44):
Yeah, I, I.
I personally think that sexualassault is a community issue,
like it might happen to anindividual, but it affects the
community, how we hold peopleaccountable is community.
The laws and structures arecommunity Like we are a part of
the community.
So I think it's so importantand, within Tending the Garden,
(56:05):
something that I've been doing alot of research and hopefully,
by the time you hear this, youcan donate to also assist us.
But we're currently building,researching to build this
platform where folks are able tohave a small membership fee to
join and join a support group.
They'll get to sign up for thesupport group under their
(56:26):
membership and it's all digital.
We make it easy for folksanywhere, even the groups that
we've had.
We want it to be a digitalspace that also feels, you know,
supported.
There will be a moderator.
It will be more of like a chatroom.
There will be like communityboards if folks want to reach
out and do things.
We are working on resources.
(56:46):
In my mind, what it looks likeis a map of the US to start, and
each state you can click on anda list will appear of different
cities.
You'll click on the city,you'll find resources and then
there will also be an option toopt in or sign up to go to
classes.
So the reason you haven't seenanother support group yet is
(57:09):
because I don't want to half-assthis.
I think that oftentimes, folksthat are not white, we get the
short end of the stick unlesswe're working our asses off, and
I don't think that is somethingthat any of us want our names
to be on or we want for people,and it's not going to be super
expensive, but it is a nonprofit.
(57:30):
We still got license and thingsto keep on, but we want to
create a space that you canactually show up and be
supported in a way that you wantversus.
I've also seen a lot of spacewhere people are creating things
or like well, you should takethis, but like what if that's
not what people need?
Right, like that's not whatpeople need, right, like that's
(57:52):
not what people want.
So I'm excited for us to reallybe able to create and share
this, because I think this issuch a big community issue, a
community struggle, thatunfortunately and I'm going to
keep it 100.
I don't think it's going tostop in my lifetime.
Speaker 1 (58:10):
Oh yeah.
Speaker 2 (58:11):
But rape pillage has been happening long before us.
And it's actually what time isit?
1134.
It's actively happening rightnow because every was it 67
seconds, someone is sexuallyassaulted in America.
And that's just Americas.
The numbers are even worse inother countries.
(58:34):
Fun fact, y'all so fun.
Speaker 1 (58:37):
Yeah, 100%.
And like, the thing that I feellike people don't realize too
is that, like, because it hasbeen so much generational,
generational you know liketrauma.
Essentially that has happened.
It's going to take generationaland generational healing work
(59:07):
right, like it has to.
Speaker 2 (59:09):
Yeah yeah, it does have to, but I think there's
also, like you've mentioned, itkind of indirectly this whole
conversation is like the twocousins that I always talk about
shame and guilt and how theylike to jump people Okay, and I
think also in in folks that havebeen marginalized.
(59:30):
A lot of the things we've hadto navigate has been very shame
focused, because it is thatcolonization, that controlling
aspect that our families passdown to us and essentially it's
because it's what they know andfor us to recognize that and
hold people accountable is suchan interesting thing that a lot
(59:52):
of people are anti becausethey're scared of the unknown oh
yeah, 100.
Speaker 1 (59:58):
Yeah, it is so interesting that especially the
accountability piece, I think,is so hard for folks to wrestle
with and I think part of it islike they want to.
They want to maintain the ideathat they're still a good person
in a way, and it's like you canstill be a good person and
still hold people accountable.
It's not an either or situation.
(01:00:20):
That's binary thinking.
We don't do that here.
Hello, you know.
So yeah.
Speaker 2 (01:00:30):
This was good.
I really hope that someone seesyou and goes oh shit, there are
people that look like me, rightLike that, have made it to the
other side of things, and theother side is relative, as we
know.
Trauma is ongoing and flexibleand sometimes shit pops up and
will fuck your day.
But but you know to know thatyou do exist, that you have been
(01:00:55):
doing this work and willcontinue to do this work.
So thank you, because I thinkit is so important, and also
understanding Asian communities.
There's more than just Japaneseand Chinese, korean, like.
There's a large amount ofpopulation that is also
overlooked and misunderstood.
Speaker 1 (01:01:16):
Yeah, yeah, and I like, especially in this current
time also, oh sorry, and I alsowanted to say that, like you
know, the Asian, if we're goingto go by the current map of
things right extends into whatis called the middle east.
So, like, it is a huge track ofland.
(01:01:39):
You know and like, and we and,and we all look super different
from each other for the mostpart, you know we do, you do,
y'all do look to me, y'all lookdifferent to me.
Speaker 2 (01:01:53):
Um, before we go, my last question because we often
talk about such fun, heavythings is what is the wildest
thing that someone has texted ordm'd you in the last two weeks?
Speaker 1 (01:02:08):
oh my gosh, okay, so I to I had to look this up.
Let's see, um, in the lastseveral weeks this is totally
like to me the one of thewildest things I've had to like
see, and it's not even a thingthat I'm super into.
(01:02:30):
I can't even believe this iswhat I'm ending on, but it's
that apparently there's that'snot.
It really isn't that there'ssome sort of like giant Taco
Bell Cheez-It situation.
I can't even believe I knowanything about that.
Speaker 2 (01:02:50):
Oh, yes, yes, I've seen it.
Yes, yeah, I know anythingabout.
Oh, yes, yes, I've seen it.
Yes, yeah, I know about it.
Speaker 1 (01:02:56):
I just, and I was like why is this happening?
And I mean, it's one of thoselike why?
Not but it was just.
It caught me off guard that dayand I was like, wow, I didn't
know that this was something Ineeded to know about in my life.
But here we are, I can't waitfor you was something I needed
to know about in my life.
Speaker 2 (01:03:15):
But here we are.
I can't wait for you to get agiant Cheez-It.
I hope Soul Season is like mom,that's what I want.
I want the large Cheez-It meal.
I know.
Speaker 1 (01:03:24):
Because I don't know if I'd want it, but for sure
Soul would probably want it.
Speaker 2 (01:03:33):
Yeah, I can't wait.
I'll send him the money for it.
Tell him to text me.
I want it in your home.
I want it in your home.
This was fun.
Before we go, can you tell hethem, they, she, they them, zim
zay, everybody, everybody, wherethey can find you so they can
(01:03:56):
get more into your business,find out how to work with you
and see what you're up to well,you can find me at goddess
cecilia literally everywhere onthe internet goddessceciliacom.
Speaker 1 (01:04:09):
goddess cecilia on instagram, tiktok, facebook, uh
everywhere snapchat, I don'tknow, like all the apps.
I'm on x but I'm not really onx, so don't get me there.
Um threads like I'm on all thethings and you have to make.
(01:04:30):
The thing is, you have to makesure you spell it correctly,
because then I don't know whoyou're getting.
C-e-c-i-l-i-a.
Speaker 2 (01:04:41):
You might go somewhere else.
You might end up in a whole newworld.
But if y'all want to know aboutmermaids, sex ed, body things,
trauma, all the things, head onover to this lovely human's work
, and so until next time, y'all.
Cecilia Valero, aka Goddess Cecilia, is a Filipina
pleasure educator, advocate andconsultant.
Through her company, mermaidfor pleasure, she strives to
create trauma-informed spacesfor BIPOC women and femmes,
focused on expanding, reclaimingand liberating their pleasure
(00:33):
narratives, especially forsurvivors of sexual violence.
Y'all we got, goddess Cecilia,I love you baby.
(00:57):
Thank you, fabulous, fabulous.
(01:31):
So I I'm excited to have aconversation with this person,
as I'm excited to have aconversation with everyone,
because these are all my friends.
Um, but this particular humanis part of the reason that I am
a sex educator, because we meteach other on the intranets and
we'll talk about it and we'll gofrom there.
That's how we're just going tostart.
(01:51):
So my first question for you,lovely human, is who?
Speaker 1 (01:55):
are you?
Well, my name is CeciliaVillero, and otherwise known as
Goddess Cecilia, everywhere onthe internet.
I'm a Filipina pleasureeducator, advocate and
consultant, part-time mermaid,parent, survivor, human
(02:20):
California girl living on theEast Coast.
Speaker 2 (02:24):
We'll never claim New England as a home, even though
I live here, but I don't claimit, cause you shouldn't.
Cause, you're not I just don'twant to Okay.
How did we meet in your ownversion before I get, before I
was getting into it.
Speaker 1 (02:44):
Okay, so my version of events was uh, we were in
some like random Facebook group,uh, that comprised of mainly
women of color, uh, in or aroundor from the Los Angeles area.
I wasn't even living there whenI was in that group, um, and I
(03:05):
believe something came up about,like someone randomly had a
question about like sex orsexuality or pleasure, and I
asked, I answered the questionand I think you messaged me and
was like hey, that's superexciting that you're a sex
educator.
I'm going to this event calledSex Geek Summer Camp this summer
.
And I was like, oh my gosh,like like this is so exciting
because I was totally thinkingabout going but I wasn't sure if
(03:30):
I should go.
But now that you're going, Ialso want to go strangers.
And you're straight like I didnot even know each other, only
knew that we had similarlocation.
You know preferences but alsoyou lied because you didn't even
live here and um, and we wereboth in the sexuality field or
(03:56):
like interested in getting moreinto the sexuality field.
I think we were both kind of indifferent parts of our lives
and trying to learn more aboutthe business aspect of it, which
is what sex geek summer campwas really about, and like we're
immediate friends, like I don'teven think that there was a
question that like, okay, thisis the person that I'm gonna
look for, because we uh we were.
(04:16):
We arrived at differentairports, I think, if I remember
correctly, and I got on the busfirst yeah, when I lost all my
shit, oh right, oh god, why werethose bus rides?
Speaker 2 (04:28):
so you're like yeah oh god, I mean like we didn't
know.
I think that was amazing yeah,it was.
Speaker 1 (04:38):
It was wonderful.
I mean, it was likelife-changing for sure.
Like I'm so glad that you saidsomething, cause I think at the
time I was still very shy aboutlike who I was in the world and
you just are so unapologeticallyyou that like it was.
It was what I needed, for sure.
Oh my God, I remember all ofthat.
(05:01):
Sorry, I don't know if you canhear the garbage truck right now
.
Can you hear the garbage truck?
Speaker 2 (05:07):
nope, no garbage truck.
You're doing great, okay, okay,sorry go ahead, chris, cut out
the garbage, talk, um no, I.
I remember all of this.
I think it was like a gno kindof group and we were.
We also hyped each other upbecause we can be like oh no,
(05:27):
because we are women of colorgoing to West Virginia the woods
one of the States and we werelike I don't know.
Speaker 1 (05:35):
I never ever imagined ever wanting to go, it was not
on the list, and we did it morethan once.
Speaker 2 (05:41):
That's crazy.
So what does trauma mean to you?
Speaker 1 (05:50):
What does trauma mean to me?
So I think so I kind of want topreface this by saying that I
was trained to be a macro socialworker.
So I think in very like, largeterms a lot of the time.
So I think in very large termsa lot of the time.
And so when I think abouttrauma and what it means to me,
I think about all of theoppressive systems that exist
(06:14):
that create situations that harmother people or that harm the
individuals, harm groups ofpeople, harm specific types of
people.
And at this point in you know,in our history, in Beyonce's
(06:35):
year of 2024, like everybody atthis point has experienced some
form of trauma, maybe not thelittle littles you know, but
like even then they're kind ofgetting some of the residual
stuff that their parents mighthave experienced, oh say, during
a lockdown of a pandemic orduring.
(06:57):
You know this current likegenocide or during.
You know all of these thingsthat are happening, a current
like genocide during.
You know all of these thingsthat are happening, and I say
current in that like there havebeen, you know, continual
genocides that have beenhappening, and like things
happening around the world forso long and and so like.
It is something that I think atthis point has touched
(07:20):
everybody in the world thetrauma specifically, everybody
in the world, the traumaspecifically, um, specifically,
and like generally, you know, um, and, and there are, there is
the possibility of like healingfrom that, or healing, you know,
the journey of healing.
That can coincide with that, ifwe are all able to sort of come
(07:43):
together and agree that, likecollectively, we can do this
together.
You know, does that make sense?
Speaker 2 (07:52):
it does make sense.
Speaker 1 (07:53):
Okay, pause, though I feel like I hear like a rubbing
that is probably the garbagetruck, because that's literally
the only noise that's happeningright now.
Is it still happening?
Speaker 2 (08:05):
wait, stop talking it kind of sounds like you're like
rubbing your, like scratchingyour nails on the desk nothing.
Speaker 1 (08:15):
It's the garbage truck, for sure I don't.
I'm so sorry about that.
It's gotta be.
There's nothing, oh, oh, Iwonder if it's.
I wonder if it's, I wonder ifit's this Did that does it stop?
Speaker 2 (08:32):
No, I feel like it got louder actually.
Speaker 1 (08:36):
No, oh, let me, okay, let me turn off the fan Hold on
what.
Speaker 2 (08:42):
I don't think it's the fan, it's not the fan.
Speaker 1 (08:49):
It's not the fan, because it was still happening
when you stood up.
Speaker 2 (08:53):
Well, turn the fan fucking back on.
Don't be hot, don't beuncomfortable.
Speaker 1 (09:02):
I literally have no idea.
The microphone is on.
Speaker 2 (09:14):
I don't know what it is.
Okay, we'll just over talk it.
Speaker 1 (09:16):
Okay, let me turn my mic down.
Okay, anything.
Speaker 2 (09:25):
Nope, it's still happening.
Dang it so sorry, hopefullychris, you edit this, okay.
No, I don't know what'shappening right here background
music.
Okay, we're gonna get back intothis.
I'm gonna clap us back in,chris get ready.
One, two, three.
Okay, what do you think are alot of common misconceptions
(09:55):
about Filipina culture?
Speaker 1 (09:56):
or Filipino culture.
I think that it is barelycoming to a place in which
people are becoming aware thatit's even something different,
unless you have been surroundedby Filipinos.
It's not necessarily somethingthat, like people are aware of.
I think that some of themisconceptions are that we're
(10:24):
all.
You know, like we like loveamericans so much and like you
know, we like um, specificallylike filipinos in the
philippines, like, oh my god, welike love americans so much and
like, by, by extension,filipino americans are the same.
You know, like that is our like,and I'm speaking specifically
(10:47):
about white folks, but alsogenerally like americans in
general, it's like you know, wejust want to be part of the
culture so badly, um, and Ithink that what gets lost is
that we do have such a strongconnection to a lot of our like
cultural heritage.
(11:08):
Um, we're so proud of our food,we're so proud of our dances,
like anytime there is someonewho is, uh, like a quarter
filipino in their, in their likeheritage, we're like we love
them, they're, they're Filipino,you know, like they're just,
(11:29):
we're just so proud of dibs.
We're taking them dibs, callingthem, calling them in the
contingent, um, and I think that, like I mean, there's also some
of the more like silly ummisconceptions about Filipinos,
that like we all can sing, which, like I mean not, not true but
(11:51):
also, you know, like noteverybody's a lot of filipino uh
elvis's
Speaker 2 (11:57):
yeah there are, you know what, there are a lot, you
know el's, which is interesting.
Speaker 1 (12:02):
Yeah, yeah, one hundred percent.
And so you know, like obviouslynot everybody like not
everyone's a monolith, of course.
I think there's also on thelike darker side.
(12:25):
Some of the misconceptions arethat we are all just like really
good at sex.
Like wow, what a thing, andI've been told that to my face,
you know.
Like oh yeah, oh, um, this islet me, let me just quick side
story here.
Speaker 2 (12:35):
This is like the most ridiculous the most ridiculous
situation.
Speaker 1 (12:40):
I was with my friend on this like quasi date I wasn't
with a date like this guy wastrying to date her and she was
like please just come with me.
I don't know how I feel abouthim and then at that moment,
it's clearly not happening, yeah, and so he was like oh, you
know, so where are you from thewonderful question that many
(13:01):
asian people still get to thesedays?
And I'm like Los Angeles.
He's like no, no, no.
Speaker 2 (13:06):
But where are you?
Speaker 1 (13:09):
from and luckily for him, I was actually born in the
Philippines.
But like huge overgeneralization for so many
people and um, and he was like,oh, the Philippines.
My brother was stationed thereand immediately was like, oh
great.
Speaker 2 (13:25):
No, here we go, here we go yeah.
Speaker 1 (13:28):
And he said that, like Filipinos are the best at
sex, which is also like they arethe best at the sex.
You know, like what the fuck?
Speaker 2 (13:40):
What a random thing to just decide.
Speaker 1 (13:44):
Oh, and I was like oh , did he guy who delivers pizza?
Speaker 2 (13:51):
he said y'all are good at the sex.
That's crazy, but also theaudacity that you could just say
to my face, to my face at adate that you're trying to date
my co-worker Like this is soawkward.
Speaker 1 (14:07):
It was just beyond awkward.
Clearly she didn't date him,Thank God, but it was not.
We really liked that pizzaplace too, which was unfortunate
, so we kept having to see hisass.
Speaker 2 (14:22):
Ruin everything.
What was it like for yougrowing up as a little, a little
human?
What was the baby mermaid like?
Speaker 1 (14:32):
oh, um, I was.
I mean, I think I think a lotabout having been four years old
and moving to the US, like I'm.
Technically, I'm a 1.5immigrant, which means that I
was born in another country butgrew up in the country that I'm
currently living in.
(14:52):
Um and so, so you know a lot ofpeople will be like oh, I
didn't realize that you wereborn in the Philippines because
you speak English so well, whichis another fun thing to hear
quite often love amicroaggression all right, right
, and it's just like oh, butactually, in theory, even if
even if I didn't have an accentor whatever, like filipinos will
(15:16):
probably generally have a goodenglish, good grasp on english,
the language, becausecolonization, right like.
Anyway, I'm not gonna get toodeep into it, we can but like
that's literally the thing isthat, like the philippines was
colonized by the us for so manyyears and they built the
education system that was there,um, and so yeah english is like
(15:39):
the second language and it'snot even everybody speaking
English, essentially, um, and so, coming here, there was a lot
of like certainly trying toassimilate, right, like trying
to um, trying to lose my accentbecause I 100% got made fun of
(15:59):
for having an accent, eventhough I spoke English really
well.
Um, and so I remember likeactually having the conscious
decision as a young person,maybe like five, um, to stop
speaking Filipino because mycause.
I didn't want to get made fun ofUm, but you know, I I grew up
around a lot of my family.
(16:19):
My family, you know, liveliterally like with us, next
door to us, um and uh, and Ifelt like um, yeah, like really
connected to them, especiallythe, the older relatives, my
grandparents, my, my paternalgrandparents, in particular, um,
(16:39):
and then eventually my, mymaternal grandmother came and
lived with us and we lived inlike a tiny cottage that was
behind my grandmother's houseand it was a one bedroom and we
had a bunk bed where I was onthe top bunk and then my mom and
my little sister was on themiddle bunk and my brother and
(17:03):
my dad were on the trundle bedthat like pulled out and my
grandmother slept on the sofabed in the living room and then
the Northridge earthquakehappened and I was like, okay,
we're not sleeping on the bunkbed anymore.
I think to reverse this.
Thank you, yes, and so for sometime I actually slept in the
sofa bed with my grandmother.
(17:24):
For some time I actually sleptin the sofa bed with my
grandmother, but like I decidedto change it up and so I would
sleep in the opposite directionfrom her, so her feet would be
like here to me and my feetwould be like where her head was
.
I'm glad that she didn't movethat much, or I didn't move that
much because, like, could youimagine us like accidentally
kicking each other in the middleof the night?
Um, that would not have beenfun, but like that's.
(17:45):
That's kind of what life waslike at that time, you know.
And then eventually we movedinto another house where I had
(18:06):
to share rooms with my varietyof friends as well, you know,
like I feel like I was, um, youknow how, like in like middle
school and high school, likethere's all of these like
cliques and things that happenand that sort of thing.
Like I felt like, oh, I know,yes, I felt like my group was
(18:27):
definitely the group of likerandos and some who were also
like hung out with other people,but like we would all kind of
also just come together duringlunchtime and like hang out, and
so we were very diverse, likelots of different ethnicities,
um, different genders,sexualities, and we all just
kind of were like chill witheach other.
(18:48):
And so I think I and I I liketo say that that part of it was
just growing up in LA.
I think that it makes it reallyeasy to have that kind of
situation happen.
I think that it makes it reallyeasy to have that kind of
(19:13):
situation happen, especially ifyou were like bused to your
school, really value diversityand really value other people's
opinions and like all thedifferent things that I could
learn from folks who didn'tnecessarily look like me.
Speaker 2 (19:31):
Yeah, I think that's amazing.
I think that the stereotypesare fucking hilarious.
We all have them, and the ideasof you know that people only
look one way is something thatwe often have to navigate,
especially being right now.
She's.
We're all green here, but todaywe're kind of honing in on
(19:54):
something that you've talkedabout a lot, that has turned
into somewhat your life's work.
I know your story because youtalk about it often, but how
hard, if anything like it maynot be hard, but what has it
look like?
That's a better way to ask whathas it look like being a
survivor that is Filipina.
Speaker 1 (20:28):
What's really interesting about that question,
I think, is that I am findingthat there are, like even though
my experience is very much myown individual experience and
other people's experience isvery much their own individual
experiences there is this likeunderlying collective experience
with other Filipinas that Ifound, and that is that there is
, generally speaking, this sortof like oh, you know, like the
(20:53):
family may be like verysupportive at some point or
another, and then there's a veryswift sort of like sweeping it
under the rug and like, okay,now we've talked about it, but
we don't have to talk about itever again.
Sort of situation, yeah, um, andwhether or not, like, if the
(21:14):
perpetrator, the abuser, isstill present, then, um, then
that is handled in a totallydifferent way.
Um, in my personal experience,um, the person happened to be um
, married into our family, um,and filipinos historically don't
really and and currently sortof kind of um, don't really
(21:38):
didn't really divorce back inthe day, in fact, like um, it's
still technically illegal in thephilippines, um, is it it is
because it's still technicallyillegal in the Philippines?
Is it it is Because it's aCatholic?
It's a very Christian Catholiccountry, and they literally like
some of the lawmakers.
This I want to say this wasvery recent.
It was the ability to be or toget divorced was approved in the
(22:01):
House and it's like waiting tobe approved by the Senate.
Speaker 2 (22:05):
Oh, so it's not even approved yet.
Speaker 1 (22:06):
They just like no yeah, oh, yeah, yeah, um, and so
many of the politicians arelike, oh well, you know, like we
have to, we want the laws to bein line with religious values.
And it's like do religiousvalues want you to be trapped in
in an awful relationship?
Really Like, is that the value?
Awkward, you know?
So, um, so my aunt, you know,stayed married to the person who
(22:33):
, uh, abused me, and there was alot of this pushback that I got
from her that was like hey, youknow, like here's a couple of
like Bible verses via text aboutforgiveness.
And I was like, oh, I'm not theone, I'm not the person.
Oh, wrong person.
Oh yeah, I like I appreciatethat this.
(22:55):
I think I said like Iappreciate that this works for
you, but it doesn't work for me,so please stop you know, and
then it was like, oh when, whenthat conversation happened or
when the abuse happened.
Speaker 2 (23:06):
Yeah, both Either or, but for definitely, for
definitely, for sure.
When was she texting you?
Speaker 1 (23:15):
Oh, I was in my 20s at that point.
Okay, yeah, I want to say likemid 20s mid to late 20s is when
that happened, when I startedreally talking about it with my
family.
Yeah, and it was yeah and and,and that was when, like, um,
(23:37):
social media was starting toreally be like more of a thing,
like facebook was kind ofgetting started, and I quickly
learned that I was likeunfriended by my aunt on all the
social media platforms.
I was like uh-huh, I see, okaythat's how it's gonna be um, but
yeah, and I think that there is, even if the family's not
(24:00):
necessarily religious so much ofthe culture as it stands today
has been influenced bychristianity, by catholicism, by
being colonized that, likethere is still this, um, this
feeling of like.
Oh, you know, we don'tnecessarily talk about that
(24:20):
stuff and and this is more theFilipino side there's also a
very strong feeling of likekeeping the family unit safe,
and so what that might mean isthat it might mean, you know,
not necessarily the individual'ssafe, but how the family might
(24:45):
be perceived externally.
Let's say, right, or like,trying to keep the units
together, like trying to makesure that, like, people can stay
married, or, you know, um, thechildren stay with their
families and that whole thing,um, or like just generally being
connected to each other.
Um, and and sometimes, and Ithink, unfortunately, if you are
(25:13):
at the receiving end of atraumatic experience, they don't
necessarily know how to handlethat right.
Like we weren't given the toolson what happens next, when,
when the decision to keep theabuser connected to the family
happens, like what happens tothe person who was the survivor
(25:37):
of that right, um, and I thinkthat that I mean that situation
can certainly be very different.
Um, and I think for me therewas a lot of the like going
hiding it under the rug and notreally talking about it, but
(25:57):
like it's always there.
It's always kind of lingering.
We all kind of know whathappened and we're not really
going to talk about it.
Speaker 2 (26:05):
Um, yeah, yeah what was it like in like your
immediate family home like?
what was it like being like yourimmediate family home Like what
was it like being a survivorand having those conversations,
like telling your mom, tellingyour dad, you know, letting your
siblings know because there'salways like the bigger outside
family than those, the peoplethat you see all the time in
(26:26):
your home, that you're likeyou're here again, Like what was
it like?
Navigating, you know, sharingsomething that, as I know, you
held for so long, and then toactually share it like what was
that like for you?
Speaker 1 (26:40):
Oh, it was definitely super worrisome.
Like I remember the moment ithappened because we were my
parents were visiting me when Iwas up at UC Santa Cruz.
They were visiting me and wewere driving back to their hotel
and I was like this is themoment, this is the time when I
have to tell them, because Idon't think I can wait.
(27:02):
This is just us alone here.
And I remember like being sonervous because like, oh my God,
like just imagining that my, mydad was driving, just imagining
that he would be so shocked bythe news that he would like lose
control of the car, like myimagination went a little
haywire you know, like cause,like, oh my God, what if this?
(27:24):
happens, um, and so I just likeit was like hey, you know, I
have something to tell you guysthat I've been kind of holding
onto for a while.
And when I told them, I mean itwas like kind of silent for a
while and they're like when didthis?
And then the questions startedcoming.
You know, and I think myparents did the best that they
(27:47):
could with the resources thatthey had, with the information
that they had.
After I I let them know abouteverything that had happened and
like the kind of the storylineof it all, with the resources
that they had, with theinformation that they had.
Um, after I I let them knowabout everything that had
happened and like the kind ofthe storyline of it all.
Um, one of the things that theywanted to do was start kind of
telling our other relatives whoare around, who had young kids
around him, um, and like kind ofslowly start letting other
(28:13):
people know.
And I did tell them that, like,if you want to share the story
so that I don't have to keepdoing it, I'm totally fine with
that, you know.
But I think that they were.
They.
I mean, I actually a part of mewonders if it was hard for them
to vocalize, to like reallytalk about.
So they did kind of leave it upto me to talk to other people,
(28:36):
um, which I like respect, like Ican imagine that like having to
talk about it is still verypainful for them.
Um, I don't think it manifestsin the best way all the time,
because what for sure my parentsare like weirdly, they've been
so progressive my whole life andsuddenly they're like slightly,
(28:57):
that's not true.
Why am I lying?
I'm not I mean to be lyingespecially about my parents.
They were.
They were definitely had somelike traditional streaks,
traditional quote-unquotestreaks to them, and yet they
had a lot of very like sociallyprogressive ideas.
You know what I mean.
But within the household it wasa little more like traditional
quote-unquote streaks to them,and yet they had a lot of very
like socially progressive ideas.
You know what I mean but,within the household.
It was a little more like youcan't date until you're 18 and
(29:21):
which I did not listen to, psand you know, like you know, you
should try to find like atraditional job, whatever the
hell that means, like they triedmy mom once upon a time, very
recently, listening to that yeah, yeah, you know.
She was like why don't youbecome a dentist?
And I was like stereotypical.
Speaker 2 (29:40):
Does she offer you to be a nurse?
No, dentist, okay yeah, shesaid medical she sure did.
Speaker 1 (29:50):
She was like we don't have a dentist in the family.
I was like, okay, well, you'relike that's wild.
Speaker 2 (29:56):
What's that got to do with me?
Speaker 1 (29:57):
that's great, well, actually what I said to her was
that that's those are not theholes that I wanted to deal with
and that's I'm sure she wasover you.
Speaker 2 (30:07):
She was like never, nevermind.
You know what she was like.
You know problem Slick mouthmillennials.
What did or what has supportlook like for you?
Speaker 1 (30:44):
Hmm, for me, support has always been externally,
outside of my family.
The first people I ever toldabout what happened were my
friends at the time.
Some of my like really closemiddle school friends wonders
like, did we get some sort ofyou know like psa about this or,
uh, some after school specialat that?
You know like, how did, how didmy friends know to just be like
the best in that situation,like believed me right away,
(31:07):
didn't question it at all?
Um, and, and we're very muchlike, what do you need from us?
Like do you need us?
How can we support you?
You know like there wasn't, andthere was also a little bit of
a like do you need us to kickhis ass?
And I'm just like, no, you know, I know not yet.
Um, I mean I los angeles, youknow like we know how to.
(31:34):
We know how it rolls and so Imean, you know, for the right
thing.
Um, so yeah, like I was reallylucky in that sense, and I hate
I sometimes hate saying that youknow what I mean, but it was
just the circumstances that thathappened to be where I was.
(31:57):
Um, I would wish that everybodywould have that kind of support
.
You know what I mean that, atthe very least, that there's one
group of people who believe you, whether or not it's your
family, um, and when I did tellmy family, they did believe me.
You know, my, my parents 100,believe me didn't question it at
all.
We're definitely shocked, youknow, especially considering
(32:20):
that this person was, was, youknow, the, the trusted guy right
, um, the guy that was like thefunny, hilarious jokester that
everybody wanted at the parties.
And you know, telling mysiblings, who are five and seven
years younger than me, when Iwas like in my mid-20s, was like
(32:42):
, okay, you know, this is biginformation that I've been
sitting on for a really longtime, and it was also a little
bit of like fact-finding withthem as well.
Well, like, was there anythinguntoward that happened to either
of you?
And luckily, the answer was no,um and and um, and I think you
(33:05):
know like, eventually,eventually it took a little
longer than it should have, buteventually I did go into therapy
, um, and I was with that sametherapist for so many years like
I'm trying to do the math likemaybe like 15 years.
(33:25):
I was with the same therapist,um, and only recently did I
realize that I wanted to have atherapist who was also Filipino,
um, and so I luckily have that.
Speaker 2 (33:39):
Yeah, we love.
We love when we find what weneed.
Um, we in what ways?
Pause, chris got that Okay.
Um, oftentimes, as adults andpeople that work in this, in
this space, we create the thingsthat we wish we had.
Is there anything that you wishyou had received in support?
Speaker 1 (34:15):
I think I wish that there was more open conversation
about it, like, especiallywithin my family.
I wish that it was somethingthat I could bring up to them
without it feeling like I'm likeputting them in an like it's
going to be an awkward situationor but that it, you know, it's
(34:36):
not that there's potential forlike healing on the other end of
that for all of us.
Right, that it's not me tryingto be um a troublemaker or you
know, and I don't, and part ofit is like I don't know if this
is just something that I've umput on myself, you know, but it
(34:56):
is definitely like in some ofthe attitudes and some of the
even the victim blameystatements that I've heard them
say, not even necessarily about,you know, sexual violence, just
in general.
You know that I'm like okay,violence and life, yeah, general
.
You know that I'm like okay,right, you know, and and if it's
(35:17):
like you know something badthat happens to somebody, that
there's this like oh well, theywere engaged in, like you know,
really troublesome activitiesanyway, and you know like I'm
trying to find the right wordsfor that, but like that's
basically.
I've heard, I've literallyheard people say that you know
like, oh well, they were engagedin like really troublesome
(35:40):
activities.
So and it was like that doesn'tmean that they deserve the harm
that was that they experienced.
It was yeah, and so I think,like being able to just be like
really open about it, being ableto lay everything out on the
table and like talk about what,um, what healing looks like for
(36:05):
those of us who are becoming theadults in the family, you know,
or who are at this point likeparents or, um, the ones who are
kind of like have to take thetorch next, you know, as our,
like, older relatives arestarting to pass so, something
(36:28):
that happened a few years agoyou became a mother.
Speaker 2 (36:34):
I sure did.
How has it been you did?
Our little intelligent got alot of questions.
Comments concerns little salt.
He's like I'm here, um, I'm aproduct of you.
Um, how has that affected theway that you now navigate?
Like?
I think that oftentimessurvivors have like different
(36:57):
things that come up for them aslike being a mother and also
like how has that affected you,like the cultural aspects of
being a Filipina mother?
That is a survivor.
Speaker 1 (37:08):
Hmm, ooh, I love this question, um, I think that I
well in this in this currenttime of the internet too, or I
feel like there's been this hugeuptick in, um, in like
(37:28):
conscious parenting unquote,right in that, like you know,
not punitive type of parenting,which is what many of us who are
of this age kind of received.
And, like my family, my parentswere very, uh, they weren't
necessarily like abusive, butthere was, you know, the
flip-flops came quick and fastand with enough, you know, with
(37:52):
enough motion to sting a littlebit, and that's not something
that I would want for school.
You know, these little Asianladies, they got a lot of power,
strong.
Speaker 2 (38:08):
They're strong.
Speaker 1 (38:09):
So like they're so strong, like I'm so strong and
so I think that like um, youknow, wanting to be better for
him has been there's been somuch of the like inner work that
has to happen, right, like thething that nobody tells you.
I mean, there's a lot of thingsnobody freaking tells me about
(38:30):
parenting, but the major thingis that you essentially have to
reparent yourself while you arealso parenting this other human.
You know, like I highlyrecommend everybody kind of
reparent themselves, but whenyou have to do it while you're
also trying to do so with alittle human, I don't look
(38:53):
honestly as a parent who lovesbeing a parent.
Most of the time I I honestlydon't recommend like, if you can
avoid it, good for you, fuckinghard work, you know, just
saying um and so and so then,like being a survivor and and
(39:16):
also, I think, being a sexeducator, being, um, filipina,
there's been these like momentsin time where I'm like, oh shit,
this is how I'm reactingbecause of this other situation
that it's putting me in asimilar place to you know, like
(39:37):
there's been so much of the likeinner work that has had to
happen and it's made me muchmore aware of potential
milestones, let's say, forexample, or like similar themes
and ideas that kind of have comeup for me, like, for example, I
was four when I moved from thePhilippines to the US huge
(40:00):
transition, I don't know if it Imean like.
Possibly I could think aboutlike how it affected, how it has
affected me.
But my kid Sol is four yearsold right now, turning five, and
so I'm and in kindergarten, soI'm also like very aware of like
okay, is there going to be likepotential bullying that's
(40:21):
happening?
Um, how can I keep my kids safe?
Um, conversations about home andlike, what does home look like
for us?
You know like, because ofcourse, I'm, you know being here
in Boston and still very muchfeeling um homesick for LA.
(40:41):
Like, all the time there's aconstant conversation of like,
well, what does that mean for us?
And like, is it something thatI can build?
Is the home feeling somethingthat is buildable here for me,
as my kid feels extremely homehere, you know like, um, there's
a lot of that.
There's a lot of that sort ofum like mirroring almost in a
(41:07):
way of like the things he'sexperiencing with how I am
experiencing life right now aswell.
Um, and I think that, especiallylike being a survivor and a sex
educator.
You know, really wanting tomake sure that, um, that we
(41:27):
start the conversations aboutbody parts right away, that we
start the conversations aboutconsent right away and the and
the consent piece I think the uma lot of people talk about like
, oh, you know, you want to like, um, let's make sure that your,
your kids, understand that theyhave bodily autonomy, that they
don't necessarily have to hug arelative.
(41:50):
You know, like being forcedinto hugging relatives or having
like physical contact withrelatives, that sort of thing.
But that piece isn't so much.
I mean, yes, it is definitelylike teaching the young kid,
teaching the baby is this, butso much of it is teaching the
adults around that child.
Speaker 2 (42:09):
That lesson, you know , and so like there's that whole
piece too, um, yeah, oh, mygosh, motherhood is a trip yeah,
I mean it's not for me and, um,I know that and that's okay,
because sometimes I strugglewith feeding myself every day,
(42:31):
so I I got to feed you too.
That's wild, and that's thelowest part.
That you haven't clothed,bathed, oh bless you.
Every time I look at my friendsthat have kids and I'll be like
check you.
Out.
Speaker 1 (42:45):
Look, and here's the thing, I hate that there's still
the pressure on people to feellike, or like people will try to
put that on other people oflike oh well, maybe one day
you're going to want to be aparent, and it's just like stop
everybody.
Just please, your God, stopstop doing that to people you
know, because those of us whoare parents you know what we
need.
We need folks who are childlessto do all of the like fun
(43:11):
things that I might not do withmy kid and everyone's like oh
yeah, like I love when peopleare saying things that like oh
yeah, I love sugaring them upand then handing them back to
the parents, I'm like great.
Cause I don't think I would havedone that, and what a great
experience for my kid to havethat in another trusted adult.
You know what I mean.
Even if then I have to dealwith his bedtime, it's fine.
(43:31):
You had a great day.
Speaker 2 (43:32):
Sure, you know what I mean, even if, then, I have to
deal with his bedtime.
Speaker 1 (43:34):
It's fine, you had a great day.
Sure, now you're fine.
But yeah, right, it's like.
Well, you know, but like I, I'dlove for my kid to experience
those things that's such a funway to look at.
Speaker 2 (43:46):
it is like, look, no, go out and experience other
safe adults, uh, and do shitthat I also don't want to do
with you.
So go, go do.
Yeah Also gives you a break.
You're like, yeah, go ahead.
Speaker 1 (44:00):
That part too Exactly .
Speaker 2 (44:06):
What has community looked like for you?
You know we talked about likewas it like?
Like what are the things youneeded?
But like as a grown-up that isover the age of 18, knowing like
, yes, we've had friend groups,but I think like sometimes you
can have friends in all kinds ofplaces.
You know, we all know how Ifeel about the f word I don't
(44:28):
call everybody my friend, butit's controversial.
But I think that there's alsothe idea of community, and it
doesn't always look one way.
But what does community looklike for you?
What has community felt likefor you, and in what ways do you
think it can improve?
Speaker 1 (44:49):
oh well, I think that , interestingly enough, in this
current time, my community haslooked very, uh, diverse and I
oh sorry about the sun sunningright now.
Um, sorry about that.
I just saw my face go likewhite and I got scared and
(45:09):
you're getting blinded, but it'sfine for me.
I don't I'm, I'm okay, okay,like it looks like you're
getting interrogated with aflashlight I don't know what
else to do.
Um well, so also.
Um.
So, for me, like community haslooked really um diverse, I
(45:31):
would like to say.
It might feel sometimes likeit's all over the place in
different ways, but I do feellike there has been this very
diverse situation that has comeup.
Let me give you an example.
While I don't necessarily havemy like immediate family who can
(45:55):
like help in a moment's notice,let's say like in person, I am
still very close to my siblings.
We have like our separate chatin which we have conversations
about different things and like,especially when our parents are
being annoying, um.
And then we have my partner'sfamily, who literally live above
(46:19):
us, who can, you know, help andsupport us?
Uh, if let's say, likeyesterday, for example, like we
needed somebody to pick soul upfrom school, uh, because we were
in the middle, andrew and Iwere in the middle of a project
trying to rearrange his room,and we're we can't stop what
we're doing, and someone wasable to do so.
There's also the slowly sort ofbuilding of local parents,
(46:49):
other local parents who havekids in the same age range.
So like, hey, we're gonna go tothe, the park really close by,
like, is anyone else planning togo out?
Or other people will say like,oh yeah, we wanted to go out too
, so then the kids can playtogether and the adults can be
adults and like haveconversations sometimes just
(47:09):
about our kids, but also, youknow, like not feeling like
we're having to watch ourchildren like hawks all the time
, um.
And then there's, um, you know,of course, the squad which is,
um, our little friend group offolks who are all over the place
(47:29):
who, um, I feel like have been,my like business support have
been, my mental health supporthave been, who are like one of
the first group of people whowere there when I just had a
baby.
Like virtually, you know, likethere's there's so much of that
(47:54):
love and community that I knowthat I have in different ways
and like that I know that I canaccess in so many different ways
and and like the hard part isand this is the thing that I
think could be improved is thatI am 100% awful at asking for
help.
(48:15):
I'm so bad at it Just so I meanI've I've gotten better, so
maybe like 99.9% now, but likeI'm working on it.
It's a constant work inprogress, trying to ask for and
I think part of that is, likeyou know, having grown up in the
(48:40):
Filipino culture there is thissort of feeling of like you
don't necessarily want to askfor favors, because then it
means you're going to have tofigure out how to pay that favor
back, and so you know I meanand not necessarily monetarily,
but kind of with everything inlife so like if you do something
(49:00):
, there's this sort of like quidpro quo that has to happen and
that's not necessarily true,right, like people could just
support you just because theywant to support you and that
feels good for them.
Support you just because theywant to support you and that
feels good for them, um, and soI think, like trying to find, uh
, a way to not then feel guiltyabout asking for help is is
(49:23):
always something that I couldwork on.
Speaker 2 (49:27):
That's such an interesting thing to like bring
up is like culturally, y'all arelike no, and so I guess that
actually is.
My next question is like whatkind of tips do you have for
other hopefully other Filipinasthat are listening to this that
were like, oh, somebody thatlooks like me, because we, you
know, as individuals, we know,having someone that looks like
(49:49):
you, instantly you feel a littlesafer to be like.
Well, tell me what you've beendoing, cause I've been looking
for someone else that looks likeyou instantly you feel a little
safer to be like.
Well, tell me what you've beendoing, because I've been looking
for someone else that lookslike me.
That might have a similarexperience.
So, like what kind of tips doyou have for folks?
Speaker 1 (50:02):
I think that, um, I think that well, so tips I do
want to put up there reallyquick is that there there are
some, some of these likebarriers every once in a while
and that like like.
Speaker 2 (50:16):
I want to be like hey , I'm here, like I'm a support.
Speaker 1 (50:18):
You know what I mean.
But first you have to find me.
Not that I'm not findable, I'mvery findable on the internet,
unfortunately slash, fortunately, but um, but like there are
people who are here, we exist.
You know, if you're feelingthat way, there's definitely
someone else out there who'sfeeling in a very similar way.
(50:43):
And and that, like community canexist.
And I think at this point, Iespecially feel like we are at a
place where it's up to us now,you know, like it's up to us now
, like we're the ones that haveto kind of build, build the
(51:04):
thing so that people can show up.
And that's definitely like partof what I tried to do in my
work is like trying to.
That's definitely like part ofwhat I try to do in my work is
like trying to foster spaces.
Um, even if it's like, even ifI'm, I'm there for a completely
different purpose, if I'm ableto sort of foster the space, to
(51:25):
let it be a place where peoplecan feel like they can uh, feel
supported, then you know great,then I feel like I've done my
job in a way, even if it wasn'tthe initial thing I came there
for.
And so, and I think that, like,I think there's also this
(51:46):
feeling of like not still likenot sure whether or not it's
okay to talk about it, and I andI think maybe that's part of
why it's hard for us to findeach other is because we're
we're not necessarily liketalking about it all the time,
but it's, it's a part of ourstory.
Right, it doesn't make who weare, but it's still a part of
(52:09):
our story and if it's somethingthat you want to talk about,
like, your voice is 100% needed.
You know it's needed otherpeople you might be the person
that people need to find, right,yeah?
Speaker 2 (52:22):
Yeah, I think that's so important to note, like there
is.
We will not be the first peoplethat are survivors that talk
about it, and unfortunately, wewon't be the last.
And also, I always tell peoplelike I'm not for everybody, like
you might not be for everybody,but we are needed for somebody,
we're needed for somebody atsome point, like just like we
(52:44):
needed people, um, which youknow, you kind of touched on it
a bit.
So for folks that don't know,uh, goddess, cecilia is also on
the board of my nonprofitTending the Garden, which was
created because I didn't seesurvivors that looked like me.
Often it was often very thin,white women that were sexual
(53:07):
assault survivors, which they doexist, but statistically, all
of us with that melanation,trans folks, queer folks, black
folks, brown folks, asian folks,native folks, etc.
Etc.
Are those that are highestharmed.
But I never saw people thatlook like me.
So I was like, well, that's notfor me.
We don't have a differentexperience, and so something
(53:30):
that you know we've been tryingto create, which we'll talk
about a little bit more, is likecreating community spaces for
those of us that have beenmarginalized, and I always say
like those of us that have beenmarginalized because it's been
forced upon us, not like we aremarginalized.
No, no, no, you put it.
You put that on us, baby, thisis a huge problem.
Yes, and something that westarted.
(53:56):
We started last year.
You, you wanted to do a supportgroup specifically for
individuals that look like youtell me, talk to me about, like,
the importance of having thatcommunity space and we'll talk a
little.
I'll flush it out a little bitmore because I've been working
on some stuff but, uh, tell meabout, like, the importance of
having a support group.
Has looked like or felt likefor you, or why you think it is
needed.
Speaker 1 (54:18):
I think the general feeling that has come from that
support group and I'd like tothink that it was echoed with
the folks who participated was100% this feeling of like.
Oh my gosh, you know, likeother people are talking about
this, other people who look likeme, who I don't have to
necessarily explain you know whymy family is being the way that
(54:41):
they are.
Like, we just understand.
That feeling of like, we justunderstand, is so important,
it's so important, so valid, sonecessary, and I think it was
also so simple in it's just it'sbeen really wonderful and I
(55:15):
know that like it's energized meto um, to feel like, okay, you
know, like the, the, the, thegroup of us, you know, who have
been coming together, eventhough, like, we're providing
the space, like it's it can be,um, like a joint healing
(55:36):
together, um, just to just torecognize somebody else.
Speaker 2 (55:44):
Yeah, I, I.
I personally think that sexualassault is a community issue,
like it might happen to anindividual, but it affects the
community, how we hold peopleaccountable is community.
The laws and structures arecommunity Like we are a part of
the community.
So I think it's so importantand, within Tending the Garden,
(56:05):
something that I've been doing alot of research and hopefully,
by the time you hear this, youcan donate to also assist us.
But we're currently building,researching to build this
platform where folks are able tohave a small membership fee to
join and join a support group.
They'll get to sign up for thesupport group under their
(56:26):
membership and it's all digital.
We make it easy for folksanywhere, even the groups that
we've had.
We want it to be a digitalspace that also feels, you know,
supported.
There will be a moderator.
It will be more of like a chatroom.
There will be like communityboards if folks want to reach
out and do things.
We are working on resources.
(56:46):
In my mind, what it looks likeis a map of the US to start, and
each state you can click on anda list will appear of different
cities.
You'll click on the city,you'll find resources and then
there will also be an option toopt in or sign up to go to
classes.
So the reason you haven't seenanother support group yet is
(57:09):
because I don't want to half-assthis.
I think that oftentimes, folksthat are not white, we get the
short end of the stick unlesswe're working our asses off, and
I don't think that is somethingthat any of us want our names
to be on or we want for people,and it's not going to be super
expensive, but it is a nonprofit.
(57:30):
We still got license and thingsto keep on, but we want to
create a space that you canactually show up and be
supported in a way that you wantversus.
I've also seen a lot of spacewhere people are creating things
or like well, you should takethis, but like what if that's
not what people need?
Right, like that's not whatpeople need, right, like that's
(57:52):
not what people want.
So I'm excited for us to reallybe able to create and share
this, because I think this issuch a big community issue, a
community struggle, thatunfortunately and I'm going to
keep it 100.
I don't think it's going tostop in my lifetime.
Speaker 1 (58:10):
Oh yeah.
Speaker 2 (58:11):
But rape pillage has been happening long before us.
And it's actually what time isit?
1134.
It's actively happening rightnow because every was it 67
seconds, someone is sexuallyassaulted in America.
And that's just Americas.
The numbers are even worse inother countries.
(58:34):
Fun fact, y'all so fun.
Speaker 1 (58:37):
Yeah, 100%.
And like, the thing that I feellike people don't realize too
is that, like, because it hasbeen so much generational,
generational you know liketrauma.
Essentially that has happened.
It's going to take generationaland generational healing work
(59:07):
right, like it has to.
Speaker 2 (59:09):
Yeah yeah, it does have to, but I think there's
also, like you've mentioned, itkind of indirectly this whole
conversation is like the twocousins that I always talk about
shame and guilt and how theylike to jump people Okay, and I
think also in in folks that havebeen marginalized.
(59:30):
A lot of the things we've hadto navigate has been very shame
focused, because it is thatcolonization, that controlling
aspect that our families passdown to us and essentially it's
because it's what they know andfor us to recognize that and
hold people accountable is suchan interesting thing that a lot
(59:52):
of people are anti becausethey're scared of the unknown oh
yeah, 100.
Speaker 1 (59:58):
Yeah, it is so interesting that especially the
accountability piece, I think,is so hard for folks to wrestle
with and I think part of it islike they want to.
They want to maintain the ideathat they're still a good person
in a way, and it's like you canstill be a good person and
still hold people accountable.
It's not an either or situation.
(01:00:20):
That's binary thinking.
We don't do that here.
Hello, you know.
So yeah.
Speaker 2 (01:00:30):
This was good.
I really hope that someone seesyou and goes oh shit, there are
people that look like me, rightLike that, have made it to the
other side of things, and theother side is relative, as we
know.
Trauma is ongoing and flexibleand sometimes shit pops up and
will fuck your day.
But but you know to know thatyou do exist, that you have been
(01:00:55):
doing this work and willcontinue to do this work.
So thank you, because I thinkit is so important, and also
understanding Asian communities.
There's more than just Japaneseand Chinese, korean, like.
There's a large amount ofpopulation that is also
overlooked and misunderstood.
Speaker 1 (01:01:16):
Yeah, yeah, and I like, especially in this current
time also, oh sorry, and I alsowanted to say that, like you
know, the Asian, if we're goingto go by the current map of
things right extends into whatis called the middle east.
So, like, it is a huge track ofland.
(01:01:39):
You know and like, and we and,and we all look super different
from each other for the mostpart, you know we do, you do,
y'all do look to me, y'all lookdifferent to me.
Speaker 2 (01:01:53):
Um, before we go, my last question because we often
talk about such fun, heavythings is what is the wildest
thing that someone has texted ordm'd you in the last two weeks?
Speaker 1 (01:02:08):
oh my gosh, okay, so I to I had to look this up.
Let's see, um, in the lastseveral weeks this is totally
like to me the one of thewildest things I've had to like
see, and it's not even a thingthat I'm super into.
(01:02:30):
I can't even believe this iswhat I'm ending on, but it's
that apparently there's that'snot.
It really isn't that there'ssome sort of like giant Taco
Bell Cheez-It situation.
I can't even believe I knowanything about that.
Speaker 2 (01:02:50):
Oh, yes, yes, I've seen it.
Yes, yeah, I know anythingabout.
Oh, yes, yes, I've seen it.
Yes, yeah, I know about it.
Speaker 1 (01:02:56):
I just, and I was like why is this happening?
And I mean, it's one of thoselike why?
Not but it was just.
It caught me off guard that dayand I was like, wow, I didn't
know that this was something Ineeded to know about in my life.
But here we are, I can't waitfor you was something I needed
to know about in my life.
Speaker 2 (01:03:15):
But here we are.
I can't wait for you to get agiant Cheez-It.
I hope Soul Season is like mom,that's what I want.
I want the large Cheez-It meal.
I know.
Speaker 1 (01:03:24):
Because I don't know if I'd want it, but for sure
Soul would probably want it.
Speaker 2 (01:03:33):
Yeah, I can't wait.
I'll send him the money for it.
Tell him to text me.
I want it in your home.
I want it in your home.
This was fun.
Before we go, can you tell hethem, they, she, they them, zim
zay, everybody, everybody, wherethey can find you so they can
(01:03:56):
get more into your business,find out how to work with you
and see what you're up to well,you can find me at goddess
cecilia literally everywhere onthe internet goddessceciliacom.
Speaker 1 (01:04:09):
goddess cecilia on instagram, tiktok, facebook, uh
everywhere snapchat, I don'tknow, like all the apps.
I'm on x but I'm not really onx, so don't get me there.
Um threads like I'm on all thethings and you have to make.
(01:04:30):
The thing is, you have to makesure you spell it correctly,
because then I don't know whoyou're getting.
C-e-c-i-l-i-a.
Speaker 2 (01:04:41):
You might go somewhere else.
You might end up in a whole newworld.
But if y'all want to know aboutmermaids, sex ed, body things,
trauma, all the things, head onover to this lovely human's work
, and so until next time, y'all.
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