May 12, 2025 • 52 mins
Welcome to Episode 113!!
Have you ever noticed how a single well-crafted question can completely transform a conversation? In this eye-opening episode, business development and leadership coach Carol Boston reveals the transformative power of empowering questions and how they can revolutionize your leadership approach.
For emerging leaders, mastering empowering questions creates psychological safety, fosters innovation, and helps team members feel genuinely heard and valued. Questions like "How would the leader I want to become handle this situation?" or "What one thing could I say differently so this person feels heard?" can transform your leadership effectiveness overnight.
Carol shares her journey from tennis pro to sales expert to leadership coach, highlighting pivotal moments where trusting someone else's vision for her became life-changing. Along the way, she discovered the remarkable impact that empowering questions can have on breaking through limitations and opening doors to possibilities we can't see when trapped in our own perspective.
Carol’s Episode Links:
1. https://www.facebook.com/carol.boston.37
2. https://www.linkedin.com/in/thecarolboston/
3. https://www.instagram.com/thecarolboston/
Carol’s Recommended Book/Movie/Podcast List:
Books:
1. The Last Arrow by Raphael McManus
2. Wooden on Leadership by John Wooden
3. Napoleon Hills Master Course
Movies:
1. Rudy
2. Hope Floats
3. The Blind Side
4. The Grinch
Podcast:
1.The Kelly Roach Show
Trench Leadership: A Podcast From the Front is humbled to have been named #5 in the Top 20 for Best Canadian Leadership-themed podcasts for 2025.
Connect to Trench Leadership:
YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCYnaqOp1UvqTJhATzcizowA
Trench Leadership Website: www.trenchleadership.ca
LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/company/trench-leadership-a-podcast-from-the-front/?viewAsMember=true
Are you looking for a podcast editor/producer? Do you enjoy the quality of the show? The editor of Trench Leadership, Jennifer Lee, is taking new clients. Reach out at https://www.itsalegitbusiness.com.
Reviews are the best way for the show to know what is working, what needs improvement, and what to talk about in the future.
If you have a topic that you're passionate to hear more about, feel free to reach out at simonk@trenchleadership.ca to connect and share your ideas.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Simon Kardynal (00:07):
I would like to begin this episode by
acknowledging that I am locatedin Ottawa, Ontario, Canada, and
I am privileged and honoured tolive and learn on the unceded,
unsurrendered territory of theAnishinaabeg Algonquin Nation.
Glen (00:24):
Hello, you're listening to Trench Leadership
From the Front, produced byiglen studios, a show for
emerging leaders from allprofessions, to hear from other
leaders who have led from thefront, made the mistakes, had
the triumphs and are stilllearning along the way.
And now here's your hosts,Simon Kardynal.
Simon Kardynal (00:53):
Hello and welcome to another episode of
Trench Leadership (00:56):
A Podcast From the Front.
You know what?
Asking questions is easy, itreally is.
But asking the right questionsis easy it really is.
But asking the right questionsis empowering, and the challenge
for emerging leaders is knowingwhen, how and what to ask.
But this is often a skill thathas to be learned by asking many
(01:16):
, many, many terrible questionslong before we get to the point
where we learn how to ask theright ones.
And in this episode we're goingto hear from Carol Boston, a
business development andleadership coach, who will offer
her insight into empoweringquestions.
Carol will share her definitionof empowering questions, along
(01:37):
with providing some examplequestions, and, in the end of it
, what we're really hoping iswe're going to take away some of
those many's for the leadersout there listening to this
podcast, so that they can asktheir empowering questions a lot
sooner in their leadershipjourney.
Before we get into that, though,I would like to do the visual
representation and paint thepicture for everyone.
For myself, I still have myblack golf shirt on, with the
(02:00):
Red Trench Leadership logo overmy heart.
My glasses are still rimmedwith black.
I still have far too much grayhair on the top of my head and
my background is a screenshot ofthe stone wall with the trench
leadership logo in white andhighlighted in this beautiful
purple, which is ironic becausethe actual trench leadership
logo is red.
But that's a whole other storyfor carol.
(02:23):
She is wearing what looks to belike a blue shirt.
She has shorter hair and Ithink is it kind of a grayish
color.
It looks like.
Carol Boston (02:31):
It's hard to tell sometimes the pixelation it's uh
it before it grows out, andwhen she bleaches it, it is
platinum white, but the dark is.
The dark is starting to comethrough, so it looks a little
silver.
Simon Kardynal (02:41):
Yes okay, there we go.
Perfect.
The walls appear to be blue andgreen and there are some
beautiful vase with some flowersin it, and you can see some
furniture in the background.
Before we get right into this,I'm going to try and be quiet,
like I often fail at doing, andgo ahead and introduce Carol.
Hey Carol, how's it going outthere?
Carol Boston (03:01):
It's great, sunny South Florida.
Simon Kardynal (03:04):
It's always sunny in Florida, isn't it?
Pretty much, that's fantastic.
Well, thank you so much fortaking the time to come and talk
with us and have what will verylikely be a strong and powerful
opportunity to chat aboutempowering questions Before we
get into that, though.
Do you mind taking a moment andjust telling us a little bit
about yourself, your story and,ultimately, how we got to this
(03:27):
point?
Carol Boston (03:28):
Absolutely.
You know they call me abusiness leadership coach and
only when I really started tolook back.
I've been involved inleadership, Simon, from a very
early age.
In sixth grade I was now thinkabout this.
This is the deep south in 1971.
I was the first girl to playlittle league hardball with the
(03:49):
boys.
Now I come from the deep Southand there are rules, both
written and unwritten, as to howlittle girls are supposed to
behave, and my mother was nothappy with me, but at least my
dad was my cheerleader.
I was always involved in sportsvery competitive household and I
started playing tennis at theage of 15.
I started very late and I wishI had time to tell you that
whole story, because it was oneof the one of three very pivotal
(04:11):
times in my life where Itrusted in someone else's vision
for me until I could believe itfor myself.
Even my dad didn't believe thatI was going to get a tennis
scholarship.
I was offered severalscholarships, but the one that I
chose took me to LSU.
I am an LSU fighting tigerthrough and through and I took
out a student loan because mydad was not going to help me go
(04:32):
to school.
And off I went Fast forward.
I graduated, I played on thepro tour for a while, I got
married, was going through adivorce and I knew I didn't want
to be a tennis teachingprofessional my entire life.
I really didn't know what Iwanted to do.
My car caught on fire and theinsurance wouldn't pay for it.
There's some loophole, so whatdo you think I?
(04:53):
did?
I called my dad.
My dad had been in theinsurance business 35 years Now
he's from the deep south.
He says now, "arol, you know Iain't in that kind of insurance,
but if you come home I gotsomebody help you get a car,
even if you don't have a job.
I thought, oh my gosh, I'mgoing to have my first new car.
I was 20, I don't know, 26, 27.
(05:13):
And I went home and got a newcar and I went over to Dallas,
texas, and I lived with mysecond cousin.
She was head of personnel forNeiman Marcus.
Now this is in.
1987 was when the governmentthe US government had just
broken up the monopoly of AT&Tand all the baby bells.
So competition was fierce in along distance market.
And she taught me how to wearthe pearls and the Navy suit and
(05:36):
the pantyhose.
I don't do that anymore, butthat's what I did back then.
And I got hired by a companycalled Metro Media
Communications and the ladiessaid can you come back in
tomorrow and meet my boss, thevice president?
So I said sure.
So I went back in and sheinterviews me and Simon, she
kind of sat back in her chairand she looked me up and down in
(06:00):
Miami in a week and I said no,you won't.
Now, mind you, I needed a job,right?
I said I'm interviewing inDallas.
You have an office in Dallas,my friends from the tennis tour
are in Dallas and my family'sthree and a half hours away.
I'm working in Dallas Prettyballsy huh.
And she calmly looked at meagain and she said I need
somebody really strong in Miamiin a week.
(06:22):
I said how do you know I'mstrong?
I'd never done this before.
And here's what she said, andthis was the second time I
trusted in someone else's vision.
She said trust me and be therein a week.
So I packed up my car and off.
I came to Florida, didn't knowanything about my job, didn't
know anything about Florida, Ididn't know a soul, and that led
(06:45):
me to a very successful 26-yearcareer as a sales expert for
Fortune 100 companies.
So if you've got someone outthere in your corner, you're
listening to this and they havea vision for you and you're a
little nervous, hang on to theirvision until you can believe it
for yourself.
It's important.
It's important.
(07:14):
So back in 2014, 2013, I'd beenthrough a bad car wreck.
2014, I'm still working atPaychex in corporate America and
I get a call and they told methey were cutting my territory
by 80 percent.
I'm like 80 percent.
I've been building thisterritory for six and a half
years now.
I really didn't want to leave.
I loved my boss, but my partnerat the time kept whispering in
my ear that they were takingadvantage of me and blah, blah,
blah, blah, blah.
So I took an interview with areally small up and coming
company and after two interviewsthey gave me the job.
(07:35):
They doubled my base salaryPlus.
They gave me a director title.
I could just see the potentialRight, the potential right.
So there I was, six weeks intothe job, on vacation, negotiated
that up front in my contractand I did what I thought a good
employee was supposed to do.
Now I don't advocate this for myclients anymore, but what I was
doing was staying in touch withmy boss, the CEO, while I was
(07:56):
on vacation, and I got an emailasking my opinion on something.
So I replied right back and heusually replies right back, but
he didn't.
So we went out and we enjoyedthe day, came in in the evening,
ding, there goes my phone.
Carol Boston, you've got mail.
And here's what it said Simon.
It said Carol, comma, that'swhat you really think.
(08:16):
And it had five question marksbehind it.
Then it said do not come intothis office on Monday when your
vacation is over.
You are done here.
And I looked at my partner and Isaid did I just get fired?
I don't get fired, but I did.
And I came back and I'll tellyou.
(08:40):
One of the things that I helpespecially my female clients
with is I help them learn toadvocate for themselves, because
I didn't do it back then.
Florida is considered anat-will state so I figured I
could get fired for any reason.
I didn't, whatever.
And I came back and I went on aninterview the very next day and
I interviewed all over thiscountry.
Some companies flew me crosscountry three and four times,
took crickets.
I looked for a job so long Iused my entire 401k savings.
(09:05):
Now I tell people that my nextbook is going to be called.
You Can't Read the Label whenYou're Inside a Jar and we're
all in a jar.
And there I was, in my jar.
All I could see is I was abuttoned up corporate sales
professional and I thought howironic that I could sell $70
million in revenue for somebodyelse and I couldn't close a deal
(09:25):
to get a job.
Now, faith is my foundation.
That's where I always go, andin my prayer time I'll be honest
I was basically yelling at Godand I'm like, look, you created
me.
You know, I'm not cut out to bean entrepreneur.
I do not want to own my ownbusiness.
You've got to help me find agood job.
Guess what happened?
Two weeks to the day from thatprayer, out of the blue, I get
(09:48):
an email from a woman that I metone time out of town at a
conference.
She and I probably didn't eventalk 30 minutes at that
conference.
She gifted me a $3,500 ticketto go to Los Angeles to go to
what's called Gorilla BusinessSchool, which is a foundational
school for entrepreneurs.
So you see, my God has a senseof humor.
So I figured what I'm doingisn't working and I don't know
(10:11):
what I don't know, and off Iwent and that's where I really
got the title of my first bookand that's where I was first
introduced to EmpoweringQuestions.
This is in 2015, in May, and Iwas amazed at them.
I've always loved communication.
I determined that I was goingto master them and I've been
working to master them for thelast eight years.
I was interviewed on the show afew weeks ago and they go well.
(10:34):
How do you do that so quickly?
I'm like I've been working onit for eight years, right,
because it's a different way ofthinking.
It's going to change the waythat you think, and that was in
2015.
Fast forward to 2017.
And I was still holding on tothree.
I had two coachingcertifications, I had coached
(10:56):
people and I was still holdingon to three services.
I was trying to do what sellinto freaking corporate America,
like I couldn't get out of myown way.
And then I heard Lisa Nicholssay this I couldn't get out of
my own way.
And then I heard Lisa Nicholssay this I don't know if you
know who Lisa Nichols is.
She is amazing.
She's the only black female CEOon wall street, the only one
(11:16):
and the only one with thecoaching and speaking company.
And I heard her say this.
She said I hear you say thatyou're committed.
And she said look, peopledecommit all the time, don't
they?
They'll say I'm committed tothis marriage for life until the
day they're not.
She said but when you'reconvicted, you will not rest
(11:37):
until you get it done and youunderstand that your comfort and
your convenience and yourconviction don't live on the
same block.
They're not even in the samezip code and I laid down all my
services and I went all inJanuary of 2018 coaching, and
here I am, five years later,talking to you.
Simon Kardynal (11:59):
Well, thank you very much for letting me and
letting the guests know aboutthat side of yourself and
providing that informationthat's.
That's very helpful forunderstanding how we were able
to get to the point of knowingwhere your knowledge from these
empowering questions is comingfrom.
So I mean, I, I am curious.
I, when I was getting ready forthis episode, I was looking up
the different definitions ofwhat an empowering question is
(12:22):
and what it means to have, evencreate one.
Like we need to understand whatan empowering question is
before we can create them.
So what are the one I cameacross was is that an empowering
question is a thought-provoking, open-ended, challenging
question that allows a person tolook for answers.
Uh, it also goes on to talkabout and new opportunities, but
that's not what I'm reallyconcerned for in this particular
(12:44):
episode, because in the contextof emerging leaders, it's about
looking for answers in anopen-ended perspective.
Do you have any thoughts onthat?
And I'm curious as well whatyour definition of an empowering
question might be.
Carol Boston (12:57):
I have a ton of thoughts on that.
You're probably going to haveto tell me to quit talking.
Simon Kardynal (13:02):
No way, no, you're the guest.
Carol Boston (13:05):
Empowering questions absolutely open the
door to limitless possibilities.
Yes, they are open-ended.
There are several caveats withthem.
I will tell you that they causeyou to ponder, they cause you
to think and they open yourawareness.
They create what I call Oprahaha moments Two things that they
(13:28):
do that are very key, that youdon't hear anybody talk about.
I teach on this.
They help you take the judgmentout of the conversation and
they take the emotion out of theconversation.
I mean, how many of you knowthat if you could take the
emotion out of your conversation, you'd have fewer arguments?
Right In Stephen Covey's bookthe Seven Habits of Highly
(13:49):
Successful People when he saysseek first to understand and
then be understood.
These questions are just alittle bit different, because
that then be understood part isnot about you trying to get
somebody else to understand you.
It's about you understanding.
You Now think about what I toldyou in my book right, can't
read the label when you'reinside a jar.
(14:09):
The answers that you're tryingto call in and bring into your
awareness are right outside yourjar.
So I'm going to disagree withthat last definition where it
said so you can figure it out.
Your job is not to figure itout.
If it was inside your jar, youwould already have the answer.
So, empowering questions here'ssome of the caveats.
(14:29):
They are specific and I'm goingto give you examples.
When you get through listeningto this episode, you'll be able
to walk away if you choose to,and craft empowering questions.
I'm not saying it's going to beeasy in your everyday
conversation.
It's going to take work.
They're simple, but they're noteasy Because it changes your
way of thinking.
Simon Kardynal (14:50):
I think that's the trick with empowering
questions.
A lot of times, is it?
it's understanding that it'snot going to be a normal type of
question like a regular type.
Normal is not the right word touse.
I don't feel like a regularstyle of question yet it
crafting it, toting it requiresa little bit of thought.
Carol Boston (15:04):
Absolutely so.
They're specific, they're timebound.
You are not to sit around andtry to figure out the answer and
you are not to be attached tothe outcome Anytime.
You're attached to the outcome,you've just closed the door to
opportunities.
When you put an empoweringquestion out to God in the
(15:25):
universe, what you're reallysaying is I'm willing to hear,
see, say or do something I'venever thought of before.
Come on, you've been inconversations, haven't you,
simon?
Or maybe it's happened to you,and all of a sudden you went oh
my God, I never thought aboutthat before.
Right, something new came intoyour awareness.
You were ready for it.
This gives you an opportunityto call them in even faster and
(15:48):
quicker.
You can use them.
Here's another key thing theydo is they help you get other
people on the same page as you,faster and easier, with less
resistance.
Who wouldn't like that rightNow?
One of the things I teach onwhen I teach to sales teams, I
teach to HR teams in corporateAmerica, I use them with myself,
my clients is they help youquickly learn the dominant
(16:14):
modality of your prospect.
What in the world does thatmean, carol, most of us are
either visual, we're auditory orwe're kinesthetic.
Right, kinesthetic are yourtouchy, feely people.
Now, there's 10% of ourpopulation.
That's what's called audiodigital.
That means these people are ourgeeks, they're the nerds, they
(16:37):
are all about the process.
They want the steps.
They're going to write themdown.
So if you're trying to sellyour services or your product to
that 10% of the population andyou keep talking about how does
that look, what does that soundlike, you've lost them because
they don't care.
They want to know the stepsthat I'm going to take to get
from A to B.
When you can speak into thatdominant modality faster and
(17:00):
easier and quicker in yourconversation, you will much more
quickly get a lot of littleyeses.
You're going to get their headnodding little yeses until you
get to the close, if you will,of your sale.
If you asked me enough questionsyou were trying to sell me
something, you would understandthat I'm like almost off the
charts auditory.
So if you had this greatproduct and you're trying to
(17:21):
sell it to me and you got to theend, you said well, carol, how
does that look to you?
You might not get much of ananswer, but if you said, how
does that sound?
I'm like that sounds awesome.
It's critical that youunderstand, and I've had people
that I've trained and they saidwell, what if I can't figure it
out?
In the conversation I said youask them they go what I said.
I've done that before.
I said you ask them they gowhat I said, I've done that
(17:43):
before.
Some people aren't veryforthcoming, they're not easy to
read.
I just tell them hey, you justchanged the tone of your voice.
Go ahead, I'm curious, what isyour favorite way to learn
something?
And they'll tell you, and thenyou can begin to craft your
(18:03):
empowering questions directlyfrom that.
I'm going to teach you a littlebit about how to craft them.
Simon Kardynal (18:06):
That would be great.
Let's do it, I love it Anempowering question.
Carol Boston (18:09):
Never, ever, ever starts with the word why.
Why brings in defensiveness,which brings in the ego, which
brings in emotions, and whenemotions go up, intelligence
goes down.
It's true for every human being.
Now, most often when I tellpeople this, they go oh yeah,
carol, man, I hate it.
When I get really angry, Ialways say something I wish I
(18:32):
hadn't said, and that's becausewe tend to label anger as
negative.
Here's a writer downer for youraudience.
Nothing in this whole world hasany meaning, nothing except
that which you choose to give it.
What about the lady who goes toLas Vegas to have a fun weekend
?
She wakes up the next morningwith a ring on her finger and
(18:54):
some dude in her bed.
She's like, oh my God, she washaving a great time, but what?
Her emotions were out ofcontrol.
Her intelligence went down.
Before I tell you exactly howto craft them, I'm going to give
you a little story around theword why I've had parents ask me
to put together a course toteach parents.
One of my past clients saidCarol, I keep telling my husband
(19:15):
, stop asking the kids why,right, you're never going to get
the answer that you truly wantby asking why.
These parents also say to mebut Carol, my kids ask me why
all the time.
Of course they do.
They don't know how toarticulate the question to get
the answer they really want.
They're not getting the answerthat they want.
So I was in seventh grade and Icame home with my report card
(19:38):
and I had five A's and a B.
I was so excited I couldn'twait for my dad to get home.
I gave my dad my report card.
I told you he's from the deepsouth, right.
He looks down his nose at me.
He says now, girl, why'd youget a B?
What do you think I did?
I got defensive.
But dad, I got five A's.
See, now I'm trying to defendmy position.
(19:59):
It's an automatic response.
He said that's not what I askedyou.
Why'd you get a B?
Then I used my older brother asmy defense.
I said but David got two C'sand a D.
Now my dad looked at me and hesaid we expect a lot more out of
you, young lady.
(20:21):
Now, how I heard that as a childis that I had to be perfect to
earn love.
It impacted every area of mylife for decades until I learned
how to reframe it.
These questions are why I'mcalled the queen of reframe.
You can bring me any challenge.
I can quickly reframe it foryou and give you some empowering
(20:43):
questions around it and someeffective action steps you can
take to get the results that youreally want.
Now I want you to hear me when Itell you it impacted every area
.
I overgave in relationships,didn't have boundaries.
I was trying to earn love,overgave at work, became a
workaholic, almost destroyed myhealth trying to earn love.
It impacted every area of mylife.
But what if my dad had asked mean empowering question?
(21:06):
I probably wouldn't be talkingto you today, but if he had said
this and parents, I want you tolisten up If he had said Carol,
what one thing remember folks,they're specific what one thing
could you do differently nextsemester?
They're time bound to improveupon that grade.
Now my mind is spinning.
(21:28):
It's going to open the door topossibility and when I come up
with an answer, I am far morelikely to actually go do it,
because you have empowered me tocome up with a response.
I don't feel punished.
I don't feel you know it's notpunitive anymore.
How many of you parents?
Your kid comes in and breakscurfew?
What do you do?
Why are you late and you end upin an argument?
(21:51):
Right, that's number one.
It never starts with one.
That's going to be a challengefor everybody out there to
really.
I tell you, put it up on yoursticky note, put it everywhere
to catch yourself.
It's going to take quite a bitof time to change that.
They start with who, what, howand sometimes where.
(22:15):
They are used both to askquestions of the other person or
an outside situation, andthey're to ask questions of
yourself.
Here's one that, as anentrepreneur or business owner,
you could ask yourself this on aregular basis.
If we all did this consistently, simon, this world would be a
(22:35):
different place.
Everybody would change.
You could ask yourself thisquestion how would the person I
want to become do the thing I'mabout to do right now?
Can you imagine if we startedchecking our behavior with that
question on a regular basis?
We would make differentdecisions.
(22:57):
Who am I being today behindclosed doors when nobody else is
watching?
You can use them when you'reprepared to go.
Let's say you're going to ownyour business, you're going into
a sales call and you canprepare these, and I have tons
of stories.
If you want another story, I'mhappy, but I know we're time
bound.
You use them many days inadvance to prepare Because,
(23:21):
remember, the answer is outsideyour jar.
It could take time to bring itinto your awareness.
So when you get ready to saythese out loud, you get quiet.
You set the intent because theycan be used in many different
areas of your life, manydifferent areas of your life.
So if you just throw it outthere, are you talking about
(23:43):
your relationship?
Are you talking about yourhealth?
Are you talking about your job?
Are you talking about yourbusiness?
You must set the intention andthen you say the question out
loud and you go right back towhat you're doing, and I have a
powerful story around that.
You go right back to whatyou're doing.
Simon Kardynal (23:55):
I'd love to hear that story.
Carol Boston (23:56):
Okay, I was back in 2018.
I had an office and a gentlemancomes into my office one day
and he had invested in thisother young man's company about
80 grand.
He'd invested in his companyand this young kid was a genius
he created the only men's pomadeper hair.
That was totally organic.
(24:17):
This guy comes in my office.
He says you've got to take thiskid through your leadership
program or we're going to kickhim off the board of his own
company.
So I said, well, I'm happy totake him through my initial
process, but he gets to decidewhether he's going to.
You know, it's a six monthprogram and there's an
investment.
So young kid comes in and Itake him through the process and
(24:40):
I tell him what the investmentis and he goes oh, I don't think
I can afford that.
And I said is that the question?
And he said, well, yeah, I said, perhaps the question is can
you afford not to?
They're going to kick you offthe board of your own company.
He didn't sign up.
So I gave him and I'm going togive you and your audience one
(25:01):
of the most powerful of allempowering questions.
It will open the door tolimitless possibilities.
Remember set the intention first.
What else is possible today?
I gave that to him.
Now there was a cafe up at thefront of this office building
and my office was at the otherend of the hallway.
So when I had new prospects orclients come in, I would go to
(25:22):
the front and bring them back.
And I would see this young man.
His name was Diego.
I would see him occasionally,I'd give him a big hug and I'd
go Diego, what else is possible?
I don't have a credit card.
I want you to think about wherehis mind.
I didn't ask him if he had acredit card.
What else is possible today?
I'd see him again.
So what else is possible today?
I can't ask my parents formoney.
(25:44):
Time goes by.
This man from the board comesin.
A few months have gone by andhe goes.
Carol, will you talk to him onemore time?
And I said no, my time isvaluable, I've given him enough
of my time.
But I'm a sucker to help afriend.
So I said okay.
So I'll never forget is on aMonday night.
I get this young kid on thephone, we have a conversation.
(26:04):
I hung up.
Drive home.
Three nights later I'm sittingat home in my easy chair after
work and my phone and my emailstart blowing up texting emails
from this kid.
You tell whoever's trying to beCEO of my company they can't
have it.
He was just ticked off.
I want to see you next week.
I want an appointment.
(26:24):
I thought, oh my gosh, whatquestion did I ask that opened
this door?
So he comes in my office thenext week?
And I said before we start, Iget to know how you're going to
pay me.
And Simon, he reaches down, hepats his pocket, he says cash,
can I give you cash twice amonth?
And I said, yeah, I love cash.
That works great.
Tell me what happened in thatconversation.
(26:46):
What question did I ask youthat opened this door for this
massive change?
Here's what he said to me.
He said you know, carol, everytime I saw you, you'd give me a
hug go what?
What else is possible?
And every time you walked away,I'd go.
That woman is so woo, woo, youshould drive me crazy.
He said, but that night on thephone, you told me a story and
it tied it in.
So I finally decided I wouldtry it.
(27:07):
So I did what you told me to.
Before I went to bed, I set myintention.
I said what else is possibletoday, went to bed, got the next
morning, said it before work,said it on my way to basketball
practice.
He said and after three and ahalf days and folks, you've got
to listen to his answer he saidafter three and a half days, all
of a sudden, think of all of asudden, there's your Oprah aha
(27:28):
moment.
All of a sudden, it came to methat all I had to do was find
two more Think about this, notjust two two more people who
wanted to learn how to speak andread and write Spanish.
Folks, he was already teachingpeople outside of his regular
job.
They were paying him all these.
(27:49):
What did it cost him?
All these months went by becausehe stuck in his jar and he said
so I did.
Went and found two more people,took him three days, went and
found two more people.
Took him three days, went andfound two more people.
The power of these questions isincredible.
He was so excited.
He stood up and I gave him ahigh five and I was grinning too
(28:10):
.
But I'm going to tell you whatI was thinking.
Right, I was thinking TSW, tsw,this shit works, it does.
I had a client send me at-shirt last year for Christmas.
It says hashtag TSW on it.
She goes we're going to getpeople asking what that means.
Another I'd like to give you,just from a different
(28:33):
perspective, another quickclient story.
Simon Kardynal (28:37):
Would that work for you?
Storytelling has proven to beone of the most powerful and
impactful ways to relayinformation, so please hit us.
Glen (28:45):
Oh, hello there.
It's Glen, the voiceover artist, and if you're hearing me, that
means we're at the midpoint ofthis episode.
Do you have an idea for anepisode that you feel is vital
for emerging leaders?
Leave the idea in the commentsection and, if your topic is
chosen, you will have theopportunity to join us as a
co-host during the recordingsession.
(29:07):
So drop us a note and let'stalk.
This podcast is made possibleby listeners like you, and if
you feel we've earned it, pleasetell your friends and leave a
review to help us grow ourfollowing.
And now back to the show.
Carol Boston (29:27):
So that same year I had another client and
actually she was my very firstclient in 2018.
And the first time she came tosee me she's on time.
Second time she's a little late.
Then she got later and then itwas ridiculous.
Now I was known in corporateAmerica as the shake your hand,
give you a hug girl, right?
So I give her a big hug and Isit her down.
I said get out your pen andpaper.
(29:48):
We're not missing this coachingopportunity.
Now, we don't typically jump inlike that, but this was just a
prime coaching opportunity.
So the first thing I had towrite down and if you're
listening to this show, write itdown.
How I do anything is how I doeverything.
She said what I said.
Write it down.
How I do anything is how I doeverything I said.
(30:11):
And next I want you to writedown where else in your life are
you not showing up for you?
Else in your life are you notshowing up for you?
Now she's really confused andshe says what I said.
Write it down.
Where else in your life are younot showing up for you?
You pay me in advance for mytime.
I am not giving you any moneyback and I'm not giving you
extra time because I have aschedule that I keep.
(30:32):
So she kind of sheepishly looksat me and says is that my
homework for the week?
I said, honey, that's yourhomework ad nauseum.
I want it on your refrigerator,on your dashboard, on your
shower, everywhere.
I want you to put this out, setthe intention, six to eight
times a day.
Will you do it?
She said yes.
And Simon, a few weeks goes by.
(30:52):
We're sitting in the officeworking.
All of a sudden her eyes flywide open.
I said what's up?
She goes oh, that's anotherplace where I'm not showing up
for me.
And as she began to have theseawarenesses, we began to replace
the habits that no longerserved her with good leadership
habits and skill sets Changedher life.
(31:15):
We doubled her income in sixmonths in her business.
Not just because of that, butthat whole piece is so powerful.
How many of you would have saidto her why are you always late?
There would have been no growth, there would have been no
learning, there would have beenno breakthroughs.
There are so many coaches thatask why.
It boggles my mind.
(31:37):
I spoke in front of 1100 coachessummer before last.
None of them truly understoodthis.
None of them I spoke.
I don't know if you're familiar.
It's an American company.
It's called Rider Trucking andLogistics.
They're about a $9 billioncompany.
I did a keynote there back inJanuary and I taught on
(31:58):
leadership be do, haveempowering questions.
They worked a lot oncommunication and how you tie in
the art of celebration from anNLP perspective to get results
even faster.
And after all was said and done,this young man comes up to me
and he says but Simon Sinek, hisbook, right, the book on why,
(32:19):
simon Sinek?
And I said they're not the samething.
I said, simon Sinek, when hesays, what's your why?
That's what's driving you,that's your underlying,
foundational reason for whatyou're doing, everything else
that I'm giving you context foryou're challenging somebody to
get an answer.
They're very, very different.
(32:42):
He goes oh my gosh, that makesso much sense.
So you could ask yourself whatis my why to grow my business?
What is my why to get married?
What is my driver?
But when you're in conversationand communication, that's a
powerful, powerful story.
Folks, 99% of the population,would have said why are you late
(33:04):
?
Powerful?
Simon Kardynal (33:07):
Well, there's something to be said for the
type of question and how it's inthe emotions and the negative,
negativity or positivity that'sinferred with the question
negativity or positivity that'sinferred with the question.
I know in the military with my26 years in the regular force, a
lot of the times questions werejust meant to be directive in
their nature and quite oftenthey had a negative tone to them
, like you said.
(33:27):
Well, why are you like that andtalk about that?
And my experiences when Istarted in the civilian
organizations?
I had to really adjust how Iwas asking questions, because
when I first started talking topeople outside of my little
military bubble, I would askquestions.
I don't understand what youmean by that and that's how I
would say the question.
I didn't mean it in a negativeway.
(33:49):
It was just how I had been thethe environment I had been
exposed to for my entire career.
And now, all of a sudden I'm ina world where I don't want to
say soften the question, butcertainly be more aware of the
tone of the question and whereit's coming from, because it's a
different environment and Ithink there's something in that
we need to be very aware of theenvironment we're in and when we
(34:09):
prepare to ask these questions.
Some of the the first empoweringquestions that I came across
from a, from a very formalperspective of looking at an
important and empoweringquestion, are the how might we
questions?
They're open-ended in theirnature how might we achieve
success in this particulardomain or whatever it it?
The question is framed in sucha way to allow people to feel as
(34:33):
though their answers arerequired because their thoughts
and feelings matter.
And that's the great thingabout empowering questions, from
my perspective, is they.
They tend to create a sense ofpositivity around them.
Does you have any thoughts onthat?
Does that make sense?
Carol Boston (34:50):
Absolutely.
You know, most people haveprobably heard the the with them
, right?
What's in it for me In today'sworld?
The person sitting on the otherside of you is thinking mmfi,
mmfi, make me feel importantwhen you're framing empowering
questions.
The other person feels heard.
I was teaching this to the hrdepartment at american express
(35:13):
back in 2019 and I divided themup and I gave them an exercise
to do so they could embed thelearning.
And the VP who hired me wasover at this one side, and so I
go over there.
And the woman who was playingthe role of the salesperson was
so frustrated and I listened.
And I listened and I said wouldyou be open for some help?
(35:36):
There's some secret sauce foryou.
We could talk about that phrase.
That'll open a lot of doors.
And she said yes.
So I asked this young man.
I said how would you feel if,blah, blah, blah, blah, blah?
He sat right up in his chairand he goes?
I would feel awesome.
I would love that.
This woman almost throws downher papers because she hadn't
(35:57):
been getting any response fromhim.
And she said how did you dothat?
I said because he's told youmany times in his answers that
he's kinesthetic.
So I asked him how he wouldfeel if he got that result.
She goes oh my God, you meanthis is going to make me a
better listener too?
Oh my God, you mean, this isgoing to make me a better
(36:19):
listener too.
And I said, yes, listening isabsolutely critical and crucial,
because these questions allowyou to begin to see from another
person's map of the world.
You begin to see things fromwhere they're coming from.
We all see things through ourown lens and I tell people we
don't see things as they are, wesee things as we are.
(36:41):
What do you mean by that, carol?
Well, if you put five people ona street corner and there's a
car crash right in front of them, someone like me who was
injured in a bad car wreck, isgoing to be oh my God, that's a
bad car wreck.
Dude next to me, who's neverhad a car wreck, wasn't that big
a deal.
Completely different lens, samecar wreck.
(37:02):
It's why people who givetestimonies that you know when
they take, they give you adifferent story.
They saw the same thing theysaw, but they saw it as they
were Super, super powerful, butthey saw it as they were Super,
super powerful.
Simon Kardynal (37:31):
Well, and that's a great point you bring up in
that the way the questions areheard and they I put inflection
are going to completely changethe way I interpret a sentence
or a question, versus howsomeone who sent it or another
person reads it.
We could all come out of thatexact same sentence or question
with a very different emotionalresponse to it.
Uh, I've certainly.
(37:52):
Again, if I come back to mytime in the military and the
transition, there were quite afew instances, quite a few three
to five where I would have tohave conversations with people
and be like, no, no, I don'tmean this in a, in a, in an
angry tone.
Just for me, email is a tool toconvey required information.
It's not a conversation tool,it's a, it's an information
(38:13):
conveyance apparatus and that'sbecause that's the way the
military tries to treat it.
So now I'm using it as aconversation tool and then in
the, in the, when we talk aboutthings like covid and how we're
all most of us are workingthrough zoom, like we are now,
that completely changes things.
It's even changed how I startthe opening of my, my podcast,
and I talk about housekeepingnotes and I am always make a
(38:34):
point to tell the listener or,sorry, the guest.
Hey, just so you know, I'm goingto be looking off to the right
a whole bunch of the timebecause I'm I'm writing notes
down.
I'm not ignoring you, becausewe don't know what we're
thinking and in the end, finally, my long winded Simon point to
this is we don't know what theother person is thinking often
unless we ask the questions.
Ironically, we're talking aboutempowering questions.
(38:54):
So in that type of a thing itsounds great to just ask a
person, but quite often it canbe challenging because we're
expecting, more often than not,an aggressive or angry type of
response.
So, in the spirit of emotional,or sorry, in the spirit of
empowering questions, can weplease have some empowering
questions to help us, help newleaders ask those types of
(39:18):
questions to get them throughthose potentially awkward
moments?
Carol Boston (39:24):
Let me make sure I'm clear, you want me to give
you some questions that theleader can ask of themselves and
their behaviour, or their, theyelicited a negative response
well, maybe some both right.
Simon Kardynal (39:34):
I think there's something to understand.
Remind ourselves for myselfwhat I'm not sure about.
When I'm making an assumptionabout something, I actually
physically sit down and tellmyself I don't have the whole
story, I only have my half ofthe story.
So the question I ask myself ishow can I get all of the
information?
And that sparks theinvestigation in my mind, and
(39:54):
then I go forward and enter myquestions out there.
Carol Boston (39:57):
So does that make a little more sense?
It's very critical.
Totally what you did is verycritical.
An empowered question allowsyou to come from a place of
curiosity and not judgment.
It's powerful.
It allows you to get curious.
That's how it helps take theemotion out of the conversation.
If you're getting frustrated ina conversation, take a couple
of deep breaths, right?
(40:18):
Well, what one way could I askthis question in a different
manner to get the answer thatI'm truly looking for?
How can I frame this questionso the other person feels seen
and heard and not challenged, sothat I get the answer I'm
looking for?
You're putting the so that inthere, so that you're also
looking for the result.
(40:39):
Does that make sense?
Another thing I teach and workon is oftentimes people will go.
You ask them a question, theygo.
I don't know.
You ask them again oh, I don'tknow.
Simon Kardynal (40:54):
You get the shoulder struggle.
I don't know.
Carol Boston (40:57):
I don't know is a defense mechanism.
Often, often often, it's rootedin insecurity.
They don't want to be wrong,they don't want to be laughed at
, they don't think they have theperfect answer, they don't
think they have the right answer.
All this judgment is coming up.
I had a prospective clientsitting across me in my office a
few years ago and I asked her aquestion, probably five or six
(41:17):
times.
Every time it was I don't know,I don't know.
So here's what I did.
And, folks, this takes practice.
To do this you must change thetone of your voice, you've got
to change the state of your body.
So I just kind of went likethis and I go, I get it.
You don't know.
But hey, I'm.
If you did know, what would yousay?
That woman started giving mestuff so fast I couldn't write
(41:44):
it down because now it's a game,the pressure's off.
If you did know, it could be agame changer.
As a leader, leading people, akey thing you get to do is ask
yourself leadership questions ofyourself before you ever engage
with the people who are yourdirect reports.
(42:04):
Right, let's say you have amessage you want to convey.
Maybe it's a difficult message,I don't know.
Something came down fromcorporate or up above, and you
know some people aren't going tolike it, and these people are
vocal.
Oftentimes, when people getlike that, the leader if they're
(42:26):
not in their leadership,they'll react instead of respond
.
Right, those feelings will comeup, they'll clench their fists
or their heart starts racing.
They feel like they've got tobe right, they got to attack.
No, no, no.
Well, what one thing could Isay to this person right now?
(42:51):
You can ask yourself thesequestions in your head.
There's nothing wrong withpausing in a conversation.
Silence can be your friend.
What one thing could I saydifferently in this conversation
so that this person feels heardand valued?
And you may not get an answerright away, but you might
(43:12):
Sometimes.
If you would plan out and askthese questions many times,
several days in advance, youwill walk away from a meeting
and go oh my God, I can'tbelieve.
I said that.
I never thought that before,because you've opened the door
to possibilities and I use a lotof other.
You know leadership.
This is not the only thing Iuse with my clients, obviously.
Simon Kardynal (43:33):
Carol, we have been having a fantastic
conversation talking about thepower of empowering questions
and why they're important andhow we can use them to the most
benefit of possible.
I'm wondering, though, beforewe move on to getting me having
the ability to ask you somequestions, would you mind
offering some empoweringquestions, some actual examples,
from both a personal and aprofessional perspective, that
(43:56):
leaders could use going forward?
Carol Boston (43:59):
Absolutely.
I want to repeat the two I gaveearlier because they're super,
super powerful, right.
How would the person or youcould say, how would the leader
I want to become do the thingI'm about to do right now, or
perhaps it's what I'm going todo today?
Keep that in front of you, like, is the leader you want to
(44:20):
become the person who's going towatch Netflix for two hours in
the middle of the day?
But you might do it, but if youkept this question in front of
you ooh, is that who?
It's a reminder, right.
Who am I being behind closeddoors when no one else is
watching today?
Another way to really checkwhere your focus is in your
business and how you're spendingyour time.
You could ask I wanted to giveyou one with how, as a leader,
(44:47):
how can I ensure that I'm beingthe most effective listener and
making my people feel heard andvalued today?
Great one, that's a great onefor preparation for meetings,
things like that.
What one thing.
Oh, here's a good one.
(45:07):
What one thought that I'm notthinking about my business, that
if I were to think it wouldradically elevate my results
today.
Powerful question.
You could actually take part ofthat question and turn it into
(45:28):
a relationship question.
What one thought that I don'thave about my spouse that if I
were to adopt, it would allow meto have this relationship
blossom today?
Right?
What one thing that I don't sayto my spouse that if I were to
(45:54):
say it, they would truly knowhow much I love them today
Really opens the door topossibility.
In your languaging, in yourcommunication, I've been giving
you a lot with, with, with what.
Who am I being In thisrelationship?
Right, because as a leader, weget to look at our ways of being
(46:16):
.
So often in America well,especially in America people say
how much can I have and what doI got to do to get it.
But as a servant leader, wewant to come from.
Who do I get to be?
And I want you to really payattention to my languaging.
I'm not ever using the word need.
I don't need to be a certainway.
I don't need to be a certainway.
I don't need to have a.
I really work with my clientson this.
It's a powerful exercise.
(46:37):
So it's who do I get to be?
My personal contract withmyself, and I have it on a big
whiteboard in red ink, because Iget to remind myself, too, my
top three ways of being.
If I'm being the leader that Itruly want to be.
I'm a powerful, courageous,loving leader, and I get to keep
(46:58):
that in front of me because youknow, there might, something
might come alongside me thattakes me way out of my comfort
zone and I'm not feeling verycourageous, right, but I don't
want to make decisions based onemotion.
So I get to look at uh, that'sI am, I'm courageous, that's who
I am.
I get to step back into my waysof being.
Does that make sense?
Simon Kardynal (47:15):
Yeah, that makes perfect sense.
It absolutely does.
Yeah, thank you very much forthat.
I'm wondering, before we moveinto the lightning round and I
get to ask you some questions,the way what I've heard with
your interpretation ofempowering questions is that
empowering questions are meantto be builders, not destroyers.
Does that make sense?
Carol Boston (47:35):
Absolutely, absolutely.
There's nothing punitive, right, because you're coming from a
place of curiosity and notjudgment.
It allows you to take thejudgment out of the conversation
, and we get to remember thatanytime we're judging somebody
else, it's not about them, it'sabout us.
I tell my clients and I tellpeople I speak to all the time
(47:57):
other people's opinions andjudgments of you are none of
your business, because it's notabout you, it's about them,
right?
Their insecurities, theirchallenges.
Maybe they're in a comparisonmode and they don't want to look
at them, so they're going toput it off on you, but it's not.
Simon Kardynal (48:12):
It's not on you to look at them, so they're
going to put it off on you.
But it's not.
It's not on you.
I completely agree with you.
Sorry you go, I cut you off.
Carol Boston (48:20):
That's okay.
It's just when you ask thequestions in these manners.
I like the way you phrased it.
It's a buildup right.
People feel seen, heard andloved.
Make me feel important Intoday's world.
It's make me feel important Ifyou're speaking to me, asking me
questions in my dominantlanguage.
I feel important.
(48:40):
If you sat down in front of meand didn't pay attention to that
I was highly auditory and youstarted giving me step by step
by step by step by step, I'mgoing to be bored to tears.
You have lost me, just lost me.
So you did yourself and you didmyself a disservice, because
what you have might be somethingI could really use, but you
(49:01):
didn't speak to me in mylanguage.
I'm telling you, if I had knownthis back when I was in
corporate America and sales, youand I would not be talking.
I would have made a whole lotmore money, easier and faster
I'd be retired.
Simon Kardynal (49:12):
I tell you, I feel that a lot of us look back
at it and say, oh geez, I wish Ihad known these things back
then.
And that's actually one of thereasons trench leadership came
about was because when I wasgoing through the master's
degree and I was learning aboutdifferent leadership theories
and styles outside of the onesthe military taught me during my
formalized military leadershiptraining, I kept saying to
myself, gee, I sure wish I hadheard about this back when I was
(49:35):
a new leader.
Or I sure wish I'd had beenexposed to this, not necessarily
talking about graduate leveltraining or understanding or
education of things, but atleast knowing they exist.
And that would have opened myeyes to other possibilities.
We in this episode we talked alot about empowering questions,
how to make them, why they'reimportant.
You offered some examples tovote for.
(49:55):
People could use going forwardBefore we close this out.
If people want to engage withyou more, have a conversation,
talk to you about your services,how might they do that?
Oh my goodness.
Carol Boston (50:05):
You can find me on Facebook, linkedin or Instagram
the at sign you put at the THEat the Carol Boston.
Instagram.
The at sign you put at the T HE at the Carol Boston.
You can email me um, carol atcarolbostoncom, or go to my
website, which iswwwcarolbostoncom.
Connect with me on Facebook.
Private message me.
I answer my messages, as youknow.
(50:25):
Cause you and I private message?
Um, yeah, love to love to chat.
Simon Kardynal (50:31):
Well, thank you so much for that.
As always, the links will beinside the show notes to allow
us to be able to have all thoseconnections that we're looking
for.
If you have any other questionsat all, please feel free to
reach out to Carol, because it'sobvious that she's reaching out
from a place of genuine,authentic love and concern to
help other people, and that'sjust what we're all here to do.
(50:52):
Thank you so much for that andthank you, Carol, for your time.
I really appreciate it.
Thank you for having me Righton.
Take care.
Well, that's a wrap from thefront.
In this episode, we spoke withCarol, who talked to us about
empowering questions.
We talked about how empoweringquestions open doors to
limitless possibilities and howthey allow us to come from a
place of curiosity, empoweringus to create building spaces,
(51:17):
not destroy the spaces where weall need to work, live and just
enjoy what we're doing.
Thanks for tuning in andremember leadership without
passion limits the depth of yourvision.
Glen (51:30):
Never miss an episode by following us on all of your
favorite feeds.
While you're there, pleaseconsider leaving an episode
review and let us know whattopics you would like to hear
about.
Be sure to join us next weekwith your host, Simon Kardynal,
for another episode of TrenchLeadership: A Podcast From the
(51:51):
Front, produced by iglen studios.
Music provided by AshamaluevMusic.
I would like to begin this episode by
acknowledging that I am locatedin Ottawa, Ontario, Canada, and
I am privileged and honoured tolive and learn on the unceded,
unsurrendered territory of theAnishinaabeg Algonquin Nation.
Glen (00:24):
Hello, you're listening to Trench Leadership
From the Front, produced byiglen studios, a show for
emerging leaders from allprofessions, to hear from other
leaders who have led from thefront, made the mistakes, had
the triumphs and are stilllearning along the way.
And now here's your hosts,Simon Kardynal.
Simon Kardynal (00:53):
Hello and welcome to another episode of
Trench Leadership (00:56):
A Podcast From the Front.
You know what?
Asking questions is easy, itreally is.
But asking the right questionsis easy it really is.
But asking the right questionsis empowering, and the challenge
for emerging leaders is knowingwhen, how and what to ask.
But this is often a skill thathas to be learned by asking many
(01:16):
, many, many terrible questionslong before we get to the point
where we learn how to ask theright ones.
And in this episode we're goingto hear from Carol Boston, a
business development andleadership coach, who will offer
her insight into empoweringquestions.
Carol will share her definitionof empowering questions, along
(01:37):
with providing some examplequestions, and, in the end of it
, what we're really hoping iswe're going to take away some of
those many's for the leadersout there listening to this
podcast, so that they can asktheir empowering questions a lot
sooner in their leadershipjourney.
Before we get into that, though,I would like to do the visual
representation and paint thepicture for everyone.
For myself, I still have myblack golf shirt on, with the
(02:00):
Red Trench Leadership logo overmy heart.
My glasses are still rimmedwith black.
I still have far too much grayhair on the top of my head and
my background is a screenshot ofthe stone wall with the trench
leadership logo in white andhighlighted in this beautiful
purple, which is ironic becausethe actual trench leadership
logo is red.
But that's a whole other storyfor carol.
(02:23):
She is wearing what looks to belike a blue shirt.
She has shorter hair and Ithink is it kind of a grayish
color.
It looks like.
Carol Boston (02:31):
It's hard to tell sometimes the pixelation it's uh
it before it grows out, andwhen she bleaches it, it is
platinum white, but the dark is.
The dark is starting to comethrough, so it looks a little
silver.
Simon Kardynal (02:41):
Yes okay, there we go.
Perfect.
The walls appear to be blue andgreen and there are some
beautiful vase with some flowersin it, and you can see some
furniture in the background.
Before we get right into this,I'm going to try and be quiet,
like I often fail at doing, andgo ahead and introduce Carol.
Hey Carol, how's it going outthere?
Carol Boston (03:01):
It's great, sunny South Florida.
Simon Kardynal (03:04):
It's always sunny in Florida, isn't it?
Pretty much, that's fantastic.
Well, thank you so much fortaking the time to come and talk
with us and have what will verylikely be a strong and powerful
opportunity to chat aboutempowering questions Before we
get into that, though.
Do you mind taking a moment andjust telling us a little bit
about yourself, your story and,ultimately, how we got to this
(03:27):
point?
Carol Boston (03:28):
Absolutely.
You know they call me abusiness leadership coach and
only when I really started tolook back.
I've been involved inleadership, Simon, from a very
early age.
In sixth grade I was now thinkabout this.
This is the deep south in 1971.
I was the first girl to playlittle league hardball with the
(03:49):
boys.
Now I come from the deep Southand there are rules, both
written and unwritten, as to howlittle girls are supposed to
behave, and my mother was nothappy with me, but at least my
dad was my cheerleader.
I was always involved in sportsvery competitive household and I
started playing tennis at theage of 15.
I started very late and I wishI had time to tell you that
whole story, because it was oneof the one of three very pivotal
(04:11):
times in my life where Itrusted in someone else's vision
for me until I could believe itfor myself.
Even my dad didn't believe thatI was going to get a tennis
scholarship.
I was offered severalscholarships, but the one that I
chose took me to LSU.
I am an LSU fighting tigerthrough and through and I took
out a student loan because mydad was not going to help me go
(04:32):
to school.
And off I went Fast forward.
I graduated, I played on thepro tour for a while, I got
married, was going through adivorce and I knew I didn't want
to be a tennis teachingprofessional my entire life.
I really didn't know what Iwanted to do.
My car caught on fire and theinsurance wouldn't pay for it.
There's some loophole, so whatdo you think I?
(04:53):
did?
I called my dad.
My dad had been in theinsurance business 35 years Now
he's from the deep south.
He says now, "arol, you know Iain't in that kind of insurance,
but if you come home I gotsomebody help you get a car,
even if you don't have a job.
I thought, oh my gosh, I'mgoing to have my first new car.
I was 20, I don't know, 26, 27.
(05:13):
And I went home and got a newcar and I went over to Dallas,
texas, and I lived with mysecond cousin.
She was head of personnel forNeiman Marcus.
Now this is in.
1987 was when the governmentthe US government had just
broken up the monopoly of AT&Tand all the baby bells.
So competition was fierce in along distance market.
And she taught me how to wearthe pearls and the Navy suit and
(05:36):
the pantyhose.
I don't do that anymore, butthat's what I did back then.
And I got hired by a companycalled Metro Media
Communications and the ladiessaid can you come back in
tomorrow and meet my boss, thevice president?
So I said sure.
So I went back in and sheinterviews me and Simon, she
kind of sat back in her chairand she looked me up and down in
(06:00):
Miami in a week and I said no,you won't.
Now, mind you, I needed a job,right?
I said I'm interviewing inDallas.
You have an office in Dallas,my friends from the tennis tour
are in Dallas and my family'sthree and a half hours away.
I'm working in Dallas Prettyballsy huh.
And she calmly looked at meagain and she said I need
somebody really strong in Miamiin a week.
(06:22):
I said how do you know I'mstrong?
I'd never done this before.
And here's what she said, andthis was the second time I
trusted in someone else's vision.
She said trust me and be therein a week.
So I packed up my car and off.
I came to Florida, didn't knowanything about my job, didn't
know anything about Florida, Ididn't know a soul, and that led
(06:45):
me to a very successful 26-yearcareer as a sales expert for
Fortune 100 companies.
So if you've got someone outthere in your corner, you're
listening to this and they havea vision for you and you're a
little nervous, hang on to theirvision until you can believe it
for yourself.
It's important.
It's important.
(07:14):
So back in 2014, 2013, I'd beenthrough a bad car wreck.
2014, I'm still working atPaychex in corporate America and
I get a call and they told methey were cutting my territory
by 80 percent.
I'm like 80 percent.
I've been building thisterritory for six and a half
years now.
I really didn't want to leave.
I loved my boss, but my partnerat the time kept whispering in
my ear that they were takingadvantage of me and blah, blah,
blah, blah, blah.
So I took an interview with areally small up and coming
company and after two interviewsthey gave me the job.
(07:35):
They doubled my base salaryPlus.
They gave me a director title.
I could just see the potentialRight, the potential right.
So there I was, six weeks intothe job, on vacation, negotiated
that up front in my contractand I did what I thought a good
employee was supposed to do.
Now I don't advocate this for myclients anymore, but what I was
doing was staying in touch withmy boss, the CEO, while I was
(07:56):
on vacation, and I got an emailasking my opinion on something.
So I replied right back and heusually replies right back, but
he didn't.
So we went out and we enjoyedthe day, came in in the evening,
ding, there goes my phone.
Carol Boston, you've got mail.
And here's what it said Simon.
It said Carol, comma, that'swhat you really think.
(08:16):
And it had five question marksbehind it.
Then it said do not come intothis office on Monday when your
vacation is over.
You are done here.
And I looked at my partner and Isaid did I just get fired?
I don't get fired, but I did.
And I came back and I'll tellyou.
(08:40):
One of the things that I helpespecially my female clients
with is I help them learn toadvocate for themselves, because
I didn't do it back then.
Florida is considered anat-will state so I figured I
could get fired for any reason.
I didn't, whatever.
And I came back and I went on aninterview the very next day and
I interviewed all over thiscountry.
Some companies flew me crosscountry three and four times,
took crickets.
I looked for a job so long Iused my entire 401k savings.
(09:05):
Now I tell people that my nextbook is going to be called.
You Can't Read the Label whenYou're Inside a Jar and we're
all in a jar.
And there I was, in my jar.
All I could see is I was abuttoned up corporate sales
professional and I thought howironic that I could sell $70
million in revenue for somebodyelse and I couldn't close a deal
(09:25):
to get a job.
Now, faith is my foundation.
That's where I always go, andin my prayer time I'll be honest
I was basically yelling at Godand I'm like, look, you created
me.
You know, I'm not cut out to bean entrepreneur.
I do not want to own my ownbusiness.
You've got to help me find agood job.
Guess what happened?
Two weeks to the day from thatprayer, out of the blue, I get
(09:48):
an email from a woman that I metone time out of town at a
conference.
She and I probably didn't eventalk 30 minutes at that
conference.
She gifted me a $3,500 ticketto go to Los Angeles to go to
what's called Gorilla BusinessSchool, which is a foundational
school for entrepreneurs.
So you see, my God has a senseof humor.
So I figured what I'm doingisn't working and I don't know
(10:11):
what I don't know, and off Iwent and that's where I really
got the title of my first bookand that's where I was first
introduced to EmpoweringQuestions.
This is in 2015, in May, and Iwas amazed at them.
I've always loved communication.
I determined that I was goingto master them and I've been
working to master them for thelast eight years.
I was interviewed on the show afew weeks ago and they go well.
(10:34):
How do you do that so quickly?
I'm like I've been working onit for eight years, right,
because it's a different way ofthinking.
It's going to change the waythat you think, and that was in
2015.
Fast forward to 2017.
And I was still holding on tothree.
I had two coachingcertifications, I had coached
(10:56):
people and I was still holdingon to three services.
I was trying to do what sellinto freaking corporate America,
like I couldn't get out of myown way.
And then I heard Lisa Nicholssay this I couldn't get out of
my own way.
And then I heard Lisa Nicholssay this I don't know if you
know who Lisa Nichols is.
She is amazing.
She's the only black female CEOon wall street, the only one
(11:16):
and the only one with thecoaching and speaking company.
And I heard her say this.
She said I hear you say thatyou're committed.
And she said look, peopledecommit all the time, don't
they?
They'll say I'm committed tothis marriage for life until the
day they're not.
She said but when you'reconvicted, you will not rest
(11:37):
until you get it done and youunderstand that your comfort and
your convenience and yourconviction don't live on the
same block.
They're not even in the samezip code and I laid down all my
services and I went all inJanuary of 2018 coaching, and
here I am, five years later,talking to you.
Simon Kardynal (11:59):
Well, thank you very much for letting me and
letting the guests know aboutthat side of yourself and
providing that informationthat's.
That's very helpful forunderstanding how we were able
to get to the point of knowingwhere your knowledge from these
empowering questions is comingfrom.
So I mean, I, I am curious.
I, when I was getting ready forthis episode, I was looking up
the different definitions ofwhat an empowering question is
(12:22):
and what it means to have, evencreate one.
Like we need to understand whatan empowering question is
before we can create them.
So what are the one I cameacross was is that an empowering
question is a thought-provoking, open-ended, challenging
question that allows a person tolook for answers.
Uh, it also goes on to talkabout and new opportunities, but
that's not what I'm reallyconcerned for in this particular
(12:44):
episode, because in the contextof emerging leaders, it's about
looking for answers in anopen-ended perspective.
Do you have any thoughts onthat?
And I'm curious as well whatyour definition of an empowering
question might be.
Carol Boston (12:57):
I have a ton of thoughts on that.
You're probably going to haveto tell me to quit talking.
Simon Kardynal (13:02):
No way, no, you're the guest.
Carol Boston (13:05):
Empowering questions absolutely open the
door to limitless possibilities.
Yes, they are open-ended.
There are several caveats withthem.
I will tell you that they causeyou to ponder, they cause you
to think and they open yourawareness.
They create what I call Oprahaha moments Two things that they
(13:28):
do that are very key, that youdon't hear anybody talk about.
I teach on this.
They help you take the judgmentout of the conversation and
they take the emotion out of theconversation.
I mean, how many of you knowthat if you could take the
emotion out of your conversation, you'd have fewer arguments?
Right In Stephen Covey's bookthe Seven Habits of Highly
(13:49):
Successful People when he saysseek first to understand and
then be understood.
These questions are just alittle bit different, because
that then be understood part isnot about you trying to get
somebody else to understand you.
It's about you understanding.
You Now think about what I toldyou in my book right, can't
read the label when you'reinside a jar.
(14:09):
The answers that you're tryingto call in and bring into your
awareness are right outside yourjar.
So I'm going to disagree withthat last definition where it
said so you can figure it out.
Your job is not to figure itout.
If it was inside your jar, youwould already have the answer.
So, empowering questions here'ssome of the caveats.
(14:29):
They are specific and I'm goingto give you examples.
When you get through listeningto this episode, you'll be able
to walk away if you choose to,and craft empowering questions.
I'm not saying it's going to beeasy in your everyday
conversation.
It's going to take work.
They're simple, but they're noteasy Because it changes your
way of thinking.
Simon Kardynal (14:50):
I think that's the trick with empowering
questions.
A lot of times, is it?
it's understanding that it'snot going to be a normal type of
question like a regular type.
Normal is not the right word touse.
I don't feel like a regularstyle of question yet it
crafting it, toting it requiresa little bit of thought.
Carol Boston (15:04):
Absolutely so.
They're specific, they're timebound.
You are not to sit around andtry to figure out the answer and
you are not to be attached tothe outcome Anytime.
You're attached to the outcome,you've just closed the door to
opportunities.
When you put an empoweringquestion out to God in the
(15:25):
universe, what you're reallysaying is I'm willing to hear,
see, say or do something I'venever thought of before.
Come on, you've been inconversations, haven't you,
simon?
Or maybe it's happened to you,and all of a sudden you went oh
my God, I never thought aboutthat before.
Right, something new came intoyour awareness.
You were ready for it.
This gives you an opportunityto call them in even faster and
(15:48):
quicker.
You can use them.
Here's another key thing theydo is they help you get other
people on the same page as you,faster and easier, with less
resistance.
Who wouldn't like that rightNow?
One of the things I teach onwhen I teach to sales teams, I
teach to HR teams in corporateAmerica, I use them with myself,
my clients is they help youquickly learn the dominant
(16:14):
modality of your prospect.
What in the world does thatmean, carol, most of us are
either visual, we're auditory orwe're kinesthetic.
Right, kinesthetic are yourtouchy, feely people.
Now, there's 10% of ourpopulation.
That's what's called audiodigital.
That means these people are ourgeeks, they're the nerds, they
(16:37):
are all about the process.
They want the steps.
They're going to write themdown.
So if you're trying to sellyour services or your product to
that 10% of the population andyou keep talking about how does
that look, what does that soundlike, you've lost them because
they don't care.
They want to know the stepsthat I'm going to take to get
from A to B.
When you can speak into thatdominant modality faster and
(17:00):
easier and quicker in yourconversation, you will much more
quickly get a lot of littleyeses.
You're going to get their headnodding little yeses until you
get to the close, if you will,of your sale.
If you asked me enough questionsyou were trying to sell me
something, you would understandthat I'm like almost off the
charts auditory.
So if you had this greatproduct and you're trying to
(17:21):
sell it to me and you got to theend, you said well, carol, how
does that look to you?
You might not get much of ananswer, but if you said, how
does that sound?
I'm like that sounds awesome.
It's critical that youunderstand, and I've had people
that I've trained and they saidwell, what if I can't figure it
out?
In the conversation I said youask them they go what I said.
I've done that before.
I said you ask them they gowhat I said, I've done that
(17:43):
before.
Some people aren't veryforthcoming, they're not easy to
read.
I just tell them hey, you justchanged the tone of your voice.
Go ahead, I'm curious, what isyour favorite way to learn
something?
And they'll tell you, and thenyou can begin to craft your
(18:03):
empowering questions directlyfrom that.
I'm going to teach you a littlebit about how to craft them.
Simon Kardynal (18:06):
That would be great.
Let's do it, I love it Anempowering question.
Carol Boston (18:09):
Never, ever, ever starts with the word why.
Why brings in defensiveness,which brings in the ego, which
brings in emotions, and whenemotions go up, intelligence
goes down.
It's true for every human being.
Now, most often when I tellpeople this, they go oh yeah,
carol, man, I hate it.
When I get really angry, Ialways say something I wish I
(18:32):
hadn't said, and that's becausewe tend to label anger as
negative.
Here's a writer downer for youraudience.
Nothing in this whole world hasany meaning, nothing except
that which you choose to give it.
What about the lady who goes toLas Vegas to have a fun weekend
?
She wakes up the next morningwith a ring on her finger and
(18:54):
some dude in her bed.
She's like, oh my God, she washaving a great time, but what?
Her emotions were out ofcontrol.
Her intelligence went down.
Before I tell you exactly howto craft them, I'm going to give
you a little story around theword why I've had parents ask me
to put together a course toteach parents.
One of my past clients saidCarol, I keep telling my husband
(19:15):
, stop asking the kids why,right, you're never going to get
the answer that you truly wantby asking why.
These parents also say to mebut Carol, my kids ask me why
all the time.
Of course they do.
They don't know how toarticulate the question to get
the answer they really want.
They're not getting the answerthat they want.
So I was in seventh grade and Icame home with my report card
(19:38):
and I had five A's and a B.
I was so excited I couldn'twait for my dad to get home.
I gave my dad my report card.
I told you he's from the deepsouth, right.
He looks down his nose at me.
He says now, girl, why'd youget a B?
What do you think I did?
I got defensive.
But dad, I got five A's.
See, now I'm trying to defendmy position.
(19:59):
It's an automatic response.
He said that's not what I askedyou.
Why'd you get a B?
Then I used my older brother asmy defense.
I said but David got two C'sand a D.
Now my dad looked at me and hesaid we expect a lot more out of
you, young lady.
(20:21):
Now, how I heard that as a childis that I had to be perfect to
earn love.
It impacted every area of mylife for decades until I learned
how to reframe it.
These questions are why I'mcalled the queen of reframe.
You can bring me any challenge.
I can quickly reframe it foryou and give you some empowering
(20:43):
questions around it and someeffective action steps you can
take to get the results that youreally want.
Now I want you to hear me when Itell you it impacted every area
.
I overgave in relationships,didn't have boundaries.
I was trying to earn love,overgave at work, became a
workaholic, almost destroyed myhealth trying to earn love.
It impacted every area of mylife.
But what if my dad had asked mean empowering question?
(21:06):
I probably wouldn't be talkingto you today, but if he had said
this and parents, I want you tolisten up If he had said Carol,
what one thing remember folks,they're specific what one thing
could you do differently nextsemester?
They're time bound to improveupon that grade.
Now my mind is spinning.
(21:28):
It's going to open the door topossibility and when I come up
with an answer, I am far morelikely to actually go do it,
because you have empowered me tocome up with a response.
I don't feel punished.
I don't feel you know it's notpunitive anymore.
How many of you parents?
Your kid comes in and breakscurfew?
What do you do?
Why are you late and you end upin an argument?
(21:51):
Right, that's number one.
It never starts with one.
That's going to be a challengefor everybody out there to
really.
I tell you, put it up on yoursticky note, put it everywhere
to catch yourself.
It's going to take quite a bitof time to change that.
They start with who, what, howand sometimes where.
(22:15):
They are used both to askquestions of the other person or
an outside situation, andthey're to ask questions of
yourself.
Here's one that, as anentrepreneur or business owner,
you could ask yourself this on aregular basis.
If we all did this consistently, simon, this world would be a
(22:35):
different place.
Everybody would change.
You could ask yourself thisquestion how would the person I
want to become do the thing I'mabout to do right now?
Can you imagine if we startedchecking our behavior with that
question on a regular basis?
We would make differentdecisions.
(22:57):
Who am I being today behindclosed doors when nobody else is
watching?
You can use them when you'reprepared to go.
Let's say you're going to ownyour business, you're going into
a sales call and you canprepare these, and I have tons
of stories.
If you want another story, I'mhappy, but I know we're time
bound.
You use them many days inadvance to prepare Because,
(23:21):
remember, the answer is outsideyour jar.
It could take time to bring itinto your awareness.
So when you get ready to saythese out loud, you get quiet.
You set the intent because theycan be used in many different
areas of your life, manydifferent areas of your life.
So if you just throw it outthere, are you talking about
(23:43):
your relationship?
Are you talking about yourhealth?
Are you talking about your job?
Are you talking about yourbusiness?
You must set the intention andthen you say the question out
loud and you go right back towhat you're doing, and I have a
powerful story around that.
You go right back to whatyou're doing.
Simon Kardynal (23:55):
I'd love to hear that story.
Carol Boston (23:56):
Okay, I was back in 2018.
I had an office and a gentlemancomes into my office one day
and he had invested in thisother young man's company about
80 grand.
He'd invested in his companyand this young kid was a genius
he created the only men's pomadeper hair.
That was totally organic.
(24:17):
This guy comes in my office.
He says you've got to take thiskid through your leadership
program or we're going to kickhim off the board of his own
company.
So I said, well, I'm happy totake him through my initial
process, but he gets to decidewhether he's going to.
You know, it's a six monthprogram and there's an
investment.
So young kid comes in and Itake him through the process and
(24:40):
I tell him what the investmentis and he goes oh, I don't think
I can afford that.
And I said is that the question?
And he said, well, yeah, I said, perhaps the question is can
you afford not to?
They're going to kick you offthe board of your own company.
He didn't sign up.
So I gave him and I'm going togive you and your audience one
(25:01):
of the most powerful of allempowering questions.
It will open the door tolimitless possibilities.
Remember set the intention first.
What else is possible today?
I gave that to him.
Now there was a cafe up at thefront of this office building
and my office was at the otherend of the hallway.
So when I had new prospects orclients come in, I would go to
(25:22):
the front and bring them back.
And I would see this young man.
His name was Diego.
I would see him occasionally,I'd give him a big hug and I'd
go Diego, what else is possible?
I don't have a credit card.
I want you to think about wherehis mind.
I didn't ask him if he had acredit card.
What else is possible today?
I'd see him again.
So what else is possible today?
I can't ask my parents formoney.
(25:44):
Time goes by.
This man from the board comesin.
A few months have gone by andhe goes.
Carol, will you talk to him onemore time?
And I said no, my time isvaluable, I've given him enough
of my time.
But I'm a sucker to help afriend.
So I said okay.
So I'll never forget is on aMonday night.
I get this young kid on thephone, we have a conversation.
(26:04):
I hung up.
Drive home.
Three nights later I'm sittingat home in my easy chair after
work and my phone and my emailstart blowing up texting emails
from this kid.
You tell whoever's trying to beCEO of my company they can't
have it.
He was just ticked off.
I want to see you next week.
I want an appointment.
(26:24):
I thought, oh my gosh, whatquestion did I ask that opened
this door?
So he comes in my office thenext week?
And I said before we start, Iget to know how you're going to
pay me.
And Simon, he reaches down, hepats his pocket, he says cash,
can I give you cash twice amonth?
And I said, yeah, I love cash.
That works great.
Tell me what happened in thatconversation.
(26:46):
What question did I ask youthat opened this door for this
massive change?
Here's what he said to me.
He said you know, carol, everytime I saw you, you'd give me a
hug go what?
What else is possible?
And every time you walked away,I'd go.
That woman is so woo, woo, youshould drive me crazy.
He said, but that night on thephone, you told me a story and
it tied it in.
So I finally decided I wouldtry it.
(27:07):
So I did what you told me to.
Before I went to bed, I set myintention.
I said what else is possibletoday, went to bed, got the next
morning, said it before work,said it on my way to basketball
practice.
He said and after three and ahalf days and folks, you've got
to listen to his answer he saidafter three and a half days, all
of a sudden, think of all of asudden, there's your Oprah aha
(27:28):
moment.
All of a sudden, it came to methat all I had to do was find
two more Think about this, notjust two two more people who
wanted to learn how to speak andread and write Spanish.
Folks, he was already teachingpeople outside of his regular
job.
They were paying him all these.
(27:49):
What did it cost him?
All these months went by becausehe stuck in his jar and he said
so I did.
Went and found two more people,took him three days, went and
found two more people.
Took him three days, went andfound two more people.
The power of these questions isincredible.
He was so excited.
He stood up and I gave him ahigh five and I was grinning too
(28:10):
.
But I'm going to tell you whatI was thinking.
Right, I was thinking TSW, tsw,this shit works, it does.
I had a client send me at-shirt last year for Christmas.
It says hashtag TSW on it.
She goes we're going to getpeople asking what that means.
Another I'd like to give you,just from a different
(28:33):
perspective, another quickclient story.
Simon Kardynal (28:37):
Would that work for you?
Storytelling has proven to beone of the most powerful and
impactful ways to relayinformation, so please hit us.
Glen (28:45):
Oh, hello there.
It's Glen, the voiceover artist, and if you're hearing me, that
means we're at the midpoint ofthis episode.
Do you have an idea for anepisode that you feel is vital
for emerging leaders?
Leave the idea in the commentsection and, if your topic is
chosen, you will have theopportunity to join us as a
co-host during the recordingsession.
(29:07):
So drop us a note and let'stalk.
This podcast is made possibleby listeners like you, and if
you feel we've earned it, pleasetell your friends and leave a
review to help us grow ourfollowing.
And now back to the show.
Carol Boston (29:27):
So that same year I had another client and
actually she was my very firstclient in 2018.
And the first time she came tosee me she's on time.
Second time she's a little late.
Then she got later and then itwas ridiculous.
Now I was known in corporateAmerica as the shake your hand,
give you a hug girl, right?
So I give her a big hug and Isit her down.
I said get out your pen andpaper.
(29:48):
We're not missing this coachingopportunity.
Now, we don't typically jump inlike that, but this was just a
prime coaching opportunity.
So the first thing I had towrite down and if you're
listening to this show, write itdown.
How I do anything is how I doeverything.
She said what I said.
Write it down.
How I do anything is how I doeverything I said.
(30:11):
And next I want you to writedown where else in your life are
you not showing up for you?
Else in your life are you notshowing up for you?
Now she's really confused andshe says what I said.
Write it down.
Where else in your life are younot showing up for you?
You pay me in advance for mytime.
I am not giving you any moneyback and I'm not giving you
extra time because I have aschedule that I keep.
(30:32):
So she kind of sheepishly looksat me and says is that my
homework for the week?
I said, honey, that's yourhomework ad nauseum.
I want it on your refrigerator,on your dashboard, on your
shower, everywhere.
I want you to put this out, setthe intention, six to eight
times a day.
Will you do it?
She said yes.
And Simon, a few weeks goes by.
(30:52):
We're sitting in the officeworking.
All of a sudden her eyes flywide open.
I said what's up?
She goes oh, that's anotherplace where I'm not showing up
for me.
And as she began to have theseawarenesses, we began to replace
the habits that no longerserved her with good leadership
habits and skill sets Changedher life.
(31:15):
We doubled her income in sixmonths in her business.
Not just because of that, butthat whole piece is so powerful.
How many of you would have saidto her why are you always late?
There would have been no growth, there would have been no
learning, there would have beenno breakthroughs.
There are so many coaches thatask why.
It boggles my mind.
(31:37):
I spoke in front of 1100 coachessummer before last.
None of them truly understoodthis.
None of them I spoke.
I don't know if you're familiar.
It's an American company.
It's called Rider Trucking andLogistics.
They're about a $9 billioncompany.
I did a keynote there back inJanuary and I taught on
(31:58):
leadership be do, haveempowering questions.
They worked a lot oncommunication and how you tie in
the art of celebration from anNLP perspective to get results
even faster.
And after all was said and done,this young man comes up to me
and he says but Simon Sinek, hisbook, right, the book on why,
(32:19):
simon Sinek?
And I said they're not the samething.
I said, simon Sinek, when hesays, what's your why?
That's what's driving you,that's your underlying,
foundational reason for whatyou're doing, everything else
that I'm giving you context foryou're challenging somebody to
get an answer.
They're very, very different.
(32:42):
He goes oh my gosh, that makesso much sense.
So you could ask yourself whatis my why to grow my business?
What is my why to get married?
What is my driver?
But when you're in conversationand communication, that's a
powerful, powerful story.
Folks, 99% of the population,would have said why are you late
(33:04):
?
Powerful?
Simon Kardynal (33:07):
Well, there's something to be said for the
type of question and how it's inthe emotions and the negative,
negativity or positivity that'sinferred with the question
negativity or positivity that'sinferred with the question.
I know in the military with my26 years in the regular force, a
lot of the times questions werejust meant to be directive in
their nature and quite oftenthey had a negative tone to them
, like you said.
(33:27):
Well, why are you like that andtalk about that?
And my experiences when Istarted in the civilian
organizations?
I had to really adjust how Iwas asking questions, because
when I first started talking topeople outside of my little
military bubble, I would askquestions.
I don't understand what youmean by that and that's how I
would say the question.
I didn't mean it in a negativeway.
(33:49):
It was just how I had been thethe environment I had been
exposed to for my entire career.
And now, all of a sudden I'm ina world where I don't want to
say soften the question, butcertainly be more aware of the
tone of the question and whereit's coming from, because it's a
different environment and Ithink there's something in that
we need to be very aware of theenvironment we're in and when we
(34:09):
prepare to ask these questions.
Some of the the first empoweringquestions that I came across
from a, from a very formalperspective of looking at an
important and empoweringquestion, are the how might we
questions?
They're open-ended in theirnature how might we achieve
success in this particulardomain or whatever it it?
The question is framed in sucha way to allow people to feel as
(34:33):
though their answers arerequired because their thoughts
and feelings matter.
And that's the great thingabout empowering questions, from
my perspective, is they.
They tend to create a sense ofpositivity around them.
Does you have any thoughts onthat?
Does that make sense?
Carol Boston (34:50):
Absolutely.
You know, most people haveprobably heard the the with them
, right?
What's in it for me In today'sworld?
The person sitting on the otherside of you is thinking mmfi,
mmfi, make me feel importantwhen you're framing empowering
questions.
The other person feels heard.
I was teaching this to the hrdepartment at american express
(35:13):
back in 2019 and I divided themup and I gave them an exercise
to do so they could embed thelearning.
And the VP who hired me wasover at this one side, and so I
go over there.
And the woman who was playingthe role of the salesperson was
so frustrated and I listened.
And I listened and I said wouldyou be open for some help?
(35:36):
There's some secret sauce foryou.
We could talk about that phrase.
That'll open a lot of doors.
And she said yes.
So I asked this young man.
I said how would you feel if,blah, blah, blah, blah, blah?
He sat right up in his chairand he goes?
I would feel awesome.
I would love that.
This woman almost throws downher papers because she hadn't
(35:57):
been getting any response fromhim.
And she said how did you dothat?
I said because he's told youmany times in his answers that
he's kinesthetic.
So I asked him how he wouldfeel if he got that result.
She goes oh my God, you meanthis is going to make me a
better listener too?
Oh my God, you mean, this isgoing to make me a better
(36:19):
listener too.
And I said, yes, listening isabsolutely critical and crucial,
because these questions allowyou to begin to see from another
person's map of the world.
You begin to see things fromwhere they're coming from.
We all see things through ourown lens and I tell people we
don't see things as they are, wesee things as we are.
(36:41):
What do you mean by that, carol?
Well, if you put five people ona street corner and there's a
car crash right in front of them, someone like me who was
injured in a bad car wreck, isgoing to be oh my God, that's a
bad car wreck.
Dude next to me, who's neverhad a car wreck, wasn't that big
a deal.
Completely different lens, samecar wreck.
(37:02):
It's why people who givetestimonies that you know when
they take, they give you adifferent story.
They saw the same thing theysaw, but they saw it as they
were Super, super powerful, butthey saw it as they were Super,
super powerful.
Simon Kardynal (37:31):
Well, and that's a great point you bring up in
that the way the questions areheard and they I put inflection
are going to completely changethe way I interpret a sentence
or a question, versus howsomeone who sent it or another
person reads it.
We could all come out of thatexact same sentence or question
with a very different emotionalresponse to it.
Uh, I've certainly.
(37:52):
Again, if I come back to mytime in the military and the
transition, there were quite afew instances, quite a few three
to five where I would have tohave conversations with people
and be like, no, no, I don'tmean this in a, in a, in an
angry tone.
Just for me, email is a tool toconvey required information.
It's not a conversation tool,it's a, it's an information
(38:13):
conveyance apparatus and that'sbecause that's the way the
military tries to treat it.
So now I'm using it as aconversation tool and then in
the, in the, when we talk aboutthings like covid and how we're
all most of us are workingthrough zoom, like we are now,
that completely changes things.
It's even changed how I startthe opening of my, my podcast,
and I talk about housekeepingnotes and I am always make a
(38:34):
point to tell the listener or,sorry, the guest.
Hey, just so you know, I'm goingto be looking off to the right
a whole bunch of the timebecause I'm I'm writing notes
down.
I'm not ignoring you, becausewe don't know what we're
thinking and in the end, finally, my long winded Simon point to
this is we don't know what theother person is thinking often
unless we ask the questions.
Ironically, we're talking aboutempowering questions.
(38:54):
So in that type of a thing itsounds great to just ask a
person, but quite often it canbe challenging because we're
expecting, more often than not,an aggressive or angry type of
response.
So, in the spirit of emotional,or sorry, in the spirit of
empowering questions, can weplease have some empowering
questions to help us, help newleaders ask those types of
(39:18):
questions to get them throughthose potentially awkward
moments?
Carol Boston (39:24):
Let me make sure I'm clear, you want me to give
you some questions that theleader can ask of themselves and
their behaviour, or their, theyelicited a negative response
well, maybe some both right.
Simon Kardynal (39:34):
I think there's something to understand.
Remind ourselves for myselfwhat I'm not sure about.
When I'm making an assumptionabout something, I actually
physically sit down and tellmyself I don't have the whole
story, I only have my half ofthe story.
So the question I ask myself ishow can I get all of the
information?
And that sparks theinvestigation in my mind, and
(39:54):
then I go forward and enter myquestions out there.
Carol Boston (39:57):
So does that make a little more sense?
It's very critical.
Totally what you did is verycritical.
An empowered question allowsyou to come from a place of
curiosity and not judgment.
It's powerful.
It allows you to get curious.
That's how it helps take theemotion out of the conversation.
If you're getting frustrated ina conversation, take a couple
of deep breaths, right?
(40:18):
Well, what one way could I askthis question in a different
manner to get the answer thatI'm truly looking for?
How can I frame this questionso the other person feels seen
and heard and not challenged, sothat I get the answer I'm
looking for?
You're putting the so that inthere, so that you're also
looking for the result.
(40:39):
Does that make sense?
Another thing I teach and workon is oftentimes people will go.
You ask them a question, theygo.
I don't know.
You ask them again oh, I don'tknow.
Simon Kardynal (40:54):
You get the shoulder struggle.
I don't know.
Carol Boston (40:57):
I don't know is a defense mechanism.
Often, often often, it's rootedin insecurity.
They don't want to be wrong,they don't want to be laughed at
, they don't think they have theperfect answer, they don't
think they have the right answer.
All this judgment is coming up.
I had a prospective clientsitting across me in my office a
few years ago and I asked her aquestion, probably five or six
(41:17):
times.
Every time it was I don't know,I don't know.
So here's what I did.
And, folks, this takes practice.
To do this you must change thetone of your voice, you've got
to change the state of your body.
So I just kind of went likethis and I go, I get it.
You don't know.
But hey, I'm.
If you did know, what would yousay?
That woman started giving mestuff so fast I couldn't write
(41:44):
it down because now it's a game,the pressure's off.
If you did know, it could be agame changer.
As a leader, leading people, akey thing you get to do is ask
yourself leadership questions ofyourself before you ever engage
with the people who are yourdirect reports.
(42:04):
Right, let's say you have amessage you want to convey.
Maybe it's a difficult message,I don't know.
Something came down fromcorporate or up above, and you
know some people aren't going tolike it, and these people are
vocal.
Oftentimes, when people getlike that, the leader if they're
(42:26):
not in their leadership,they'll react instead of respond
.
Right, those feelings will comeup, they'll clench their fists
or their heart starts racing.
They feel like they've got tobe right, they got to attack.
No, no, no.
Well, what one thing could Isay to this person right now?
(42:51):
You can ask yourself thesequestions in your head.
There's nothing wrong withpausing in a conversation.
Silence can be your friend.
What one thing could I saydifferently in this conversation
so that this person feels heardand valued?
And you may not get an answerright away, but you might
(43:12):
Sometimes.
If you would plan out and askthese questions many times,
several days in advance, youwill walk away from a meeting
and go oh my God, I can'tbelieve.
I said that.
I never thought that before,because you've opened the door
to possibilities and I use a lotof other.
You know leadership.
This is not the only thing Iuse with my clients, obviously.
Simon Kardynal (43:33):
Carol, we have been having a fantastic
conversation talking about thepower of empowering questions
and why they're important andhow we can use them to the most
benefit of possible.
I'm wondering, though, beforewe move on to getting me having
the ability to ask you somequestions, would you mind
offering some empoweringquestions, some actual examples,
from both a personal and aprofessional perspective, that
(43:56):
leaders could use going forward?
Carol Boston (43:59):
Absolutely.
I want to repeat the two I gaveearlier because they're super,
super powerful, right.
How would the person or youcould say, how would the leader
I want to become do the thingI'm about to do right now, or
perhaps it's what I'm going todo today?
Keep that in front of you, like, is the leader you want to
(44:20):
become the person who's going towatch Netflix for two hours in
the middle of the day?
But you might do it, but if youkept this question in front of
you ooh, is that who?
It's a reminder, right.
Who am I being behind closeddoors when no one else is
watching today?
Another way to really checkwhere your focus is in your
business and how you're spendingyour time.
You could ask I wanted to giveyou one with how, as a leader,
(44:47):
how can I ensure that I'm beingthe most effective listener and
making my people feel heard andvalued today?
Great one, that's a great onefor preparation for meetings,
things like that.
What one thing.
Oh, here's a good one.
(45:07):
What one thought that I'm notthinking about my business, that
if I were to think it wouldradically elevate my results
today.
Powerful question.
You could actually take part ofthat question and turn it into
(45:28):
a relationship question.
What one thought that I don'thave about my spouse that if I
were to adopt, it would allow meto have this relationship
blossom today?
Right?
What one thing that I don't sayto my spouse that if I were to
(45:54):
say it, they would truly knowhow much I love them today
Really opens the door topossibility.
In your languaging, in yourcommunication, I've been giving
you a lot with, with, with what.
Who am I being In thisrelationship?
Right, because as a leader, weget to look at our ways of being
(46:16):
.
So often in America well,especially in America people say
how much can I have and what doI got to do to get it.
But as a servant leader, wewant to come from.
Who do I get to be?
And I want you to really payattention to my languaging.
I'm not ever using the word need.
I don't need to be a certainway.
I don't need to be a certainway.
I don't need to have a.
I really work with my clientson this.
It's a powerful exercise.
(46:37):
So it's who do I get to be?
My personal contract withmyself, and I have it on a big
whiteboard in red ink, because Iget to remind myself, too, my
top three ways of being.
If I'm being the leader that Itruly want to be.
I'm a powerful, courageous,loving leader, and I get to keep
(46:58):
that in front of me because youknow, there might, something
might come alongside me thattakes me way out of my comfort
zone and I'm not feeling verycourageous, right, but I don't
want to make decisions based onemotion.
So I get to look at uh, that'sI am, I'm courageous, that's who
I am.
I get to step back into my waysof being.
Does that make sense?
Simon Kardynal (47:15):
Yeah, that makes perfect sense.
It absolutely does.
Yeah, thank you very much forthat.
I'm wondering, before we moveinto the lightning round and I
get to ask you some questions,the way what I've heard with
your interpretation ofempowering questions is that
empowering questions are meantto be builders, not destroyers.
Does that make sense?
Carol Boston (47:35):
Absolutely, absolutely.
There's nothing punitive, right, because you're coming from a
place of curiosity and notjudgment.
It allows you to take thejudgment out of the conversation
, and we get to remember thatanytime we're judging somebody
else, it's not about them, it'sabout us.
I tell my clients and I tellpeople I speak to all the time
(47:57):
other people's opinions andjudgments of you are none of
your business, because it's notabout you, it's about them,
right?
Their insecurities, theirchallenges.
Maybe they're in a comparisonmode and they don't want to look
at them, so they're going toput it off on you, but it's not.
Simon Kardynal (48:12):
It's not on you to look at them, so they're
going to put it off on you.
But it's not.
It's not on you.
I completely agree with you.
Sorry you go, I cut you off.
Carol Boston (48:20):
That's okay.
It's just when you ask thequestions in these manners.
I like the way you phrased it.
It's a buildup right.
People feel seen, heard andloved.
Make me feel important Intoday's world.
It's make me feel important Ifyou're speaking to me, asking me
questions in my dominantlanguage.
I feel important.
(48:40):
If you sat down in front of meand didn't pay attention to that
I was highly auditory and youstarted giving me step by step
by step by step by step, I'mgoing to be bored to tears.
You have lost me, just lost me.
So you did yourself and you didmyself a disservice, because
what you have might be somethingI could really use, but you
(49:01):
didn't speak to me in mylanguage.
I'm telling you, if I had knownthis back when I was in
corporate America and sales, youand I would not be talking.
I would have made a whole lotmore money, easier and faster
I'd be retired.
Simon Kardynal (49:12):
I tell you, I feel that a lot of us look back
at it and say, oh geez, I wish Ihad known these things back
then.
And that's actually one of thereasons trench leadership came
about was because when I wasgoing through the master's
degree and I was learning aboutdifferent leadership theories
and styles outside of the onesthe military taught me during my
formalized military leadershiptraining, I kept saying to
myself, gee, I sure wish I hadheard about this back when I was
(49:35):
a new leader.
Or I sure wish I'd had beenexposed to this, not necessarily
talking about graduate leveltraining or understanding or
education of things, but atleast knowing they exist.
And that would have opened myeyes to other possibilities.
We in this episode we talked alot about empowering questions,
how to make them, why they'reimportant.
You offered some examples tovote for.
(49:55):
People could use going forwardBefore we close this out.
If people want to engage withyou more, have a conversation,
talk to you about your services,how might they do that?
Oh my goodness.
Carol Boston (50:05):
You can find me on Facebook, linkedin or Instagram
the at sign you put at the THEat the Carol Boston.
Instagram.
The at sign you put at the T HE at the Carol Boston.
You can email me um, carol atcarolbostoncom, or go to my
website, which iswwwcarolbostoncom.
Connect with me on Facebook.
Private message me.
I answer my messages, as youknow.
(50:25):
Cause you and I private message?
Um, yeah, love to love to chat.
Simon Kardynal (50:31):
Well, thank you so much for that.
As always, the links will beinside the show notes to allow
us to be able to have all thoseconnections that we're looking
for.
If you have any other questionsat all, please feel free to
reach out to Carol, because it'sobvious that she's reaching out
from a place of genuine,authentic love and concern to
help other people, and that'sjust what we're all here to do.
(50:52):
Thank you so much for that andthank you, Carol, for your time.
I really appreciate it.
Thank you for having me Righton.
Take care.
Well, that's a wrap from thefront.
In this episode, we spoke withCarol, who talked to us about
empowering questions.
We talked about how empoweringquestions open doors to
limitless possibilities and howthey allow us to come from a
place of curiosity, empoweringus to create building spaces,
(51:17):
not destroy the spaces where weall need to work, live and just
enjoy what we're doing.
Thanks for tuning in andremember leadership without
passion limits the depth of yourvision.
Glen (51:30):
Never miss an episode by following us on all of your
favorite feeds.
While you're there, pleaseconsider leaving an episode
review and let us know whattopics you would like to hear
about.
Be sure to join us next weekwith your host, Simon Kardynal,
for another episode of TrenchLeadership: A Podcast From the
(51:51):
Front, produced by iglen studios.
Music provided by AshamaluevMusic.
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