July 25, 2024 • 27 mins
What if your mental health diagnosis wasn’t entirely accurate? Join us in this compelling episode of "Triumph Over Trauma" as my cousin Deborah shares her harrowing journey through misdiagnoses and the critical discovery that changed her life. Initially diagnosed with paranoid personality disorder and schizophrenia, Deborah faced the adverse effects of inappropriate medications. It took multiple hospitalizations and a second opinion to uncover that thyroid issues were contributing to her symptoms, leading to an accurate diagnosis of bipolar disorder. Deborah's story is a powerful reminder of the importance of accurate diagnosis and the complex interplay between physical and mental health.
Managing mental health and achieving stability is a journey, and Deborah’s experience is a testimony to that. Discover how recognizing and addressing symptoms like insomnia and anxiety, and understanding the effects of hyperthyroidism and menstrual cycles on mental well-being, were pivotal in her recovery. Deborah's self-care routine, which includes Abilify, dream journaling, sound baths, yoga, meditation, and faith-rooted affirmations, has been instrumental in maintaining her mental and spiritual balance. This episode emphasizes the transformative power of self-care practices and the significance of putting oneself first to enhance mental wellness.
In our heartfelt discussion, Deborah opens up about the healing process through massage therapy and the power of spiritual grounding. The support of her family, faith, and prayer were crucial during her recovery, showcasing the immense strength found in collective support and spiritual practices. Deborah shares how integrating peace and meditation into her career as a traveling massage therapist has not only helped her return to normal life but also fostered a peaceful state of mind for her clients. Tune in to learn how therapeutic practices can transform lives and the importance of maintaining a spiritual practice for overall mental health, as we express our gratitude for these enlightening discussions and thank God for guiding us through triumph over trauma.
To book a massage with Deborah For those who live in the Southern New Hampshire, Northern Massachusetts area please use this link….. https://justrelaxnow.as.me/ Enter coupon code Triumph to receive $20 off your next massage And for those in the South Jersey area please send an email me to justrelaxnow11@gmail.com
- What is Trauma? Trauma is a deeply distressing or disturbing experience. An emotional response to a terrible event like an accident, rape, abuse, neglect or natural disaster.
- How to cope with Trauma Talk to a few trusted people, open up about your struggle, seek online support groups, read self-help books or practice small acts of self-care such as meditation, breathwork, yoga and exercise can help you regain some feeling of
2 Corinthians 2:14 Now thanks be unto God, who always causes us to Triumph!
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:01):
Hey y'all, welcome to triumph over trauma the podcast
.
Listen y'all.
I created this podcast because,like so many other people, I've
had a traumatic past.
I didn't always realize howthose things affected me
negatively and how I evencarried them into my adult life,
and so I wanted to create aspace where other people could
come and we could have candidconversations on how you
(00:22):
identify trauma, how do younavigate it and how you recover
from traumatic experiences.
If this resonates with you,then join me.
I am your host and traumasurvivor, ms Eve McNair.
Let's get into it.
Hello everybody, welcome backto Triumph Over Trauma.
As you all know, we're doing anew series called your Story,
and today we have with us aspecial guest, my cousin Deborah
(00:44):
.
Deborah, would you like to sayhello?
Speaker 2 (00:46):
Hello everyone.
Speaker 1 (00:47):
Deborah is going to share an awesome story with us,
one of triumph and a little bitof trauma.
You know, sometimes we take forgranted our mental health and
how delicate it is, especiallyin the climate of the world that
we live in today, with so muchgoing on and with so many
responsibilities that we have.
(01:07):
Sometimes we can put ourselveson the back burner and it can
affect our mental health.
So Deborah is going to shareher story and talk to us about
how her mental health waschallenged and how she's learned
to triumph over the traumaticexperience.
Speaker 2 (01:20):
Deborah, tell us what happened, okay so first, I'm
going to start off by sayingmental health is no joke and it
can be very scary at times, andin February 2020, I experienced
my first manic episode thatended up lasting for about six
months.
I also had a thyroid issue aswell, and the combination of the
(01:41):
two things flipped my wholeworld upside down.
During the six months, I was inand out of the hospital about
five times.
I ended up going to thehospital about three times and
then to a mental health facilitywhere I stayed there for about
two weeks twice.
(02:02):
So you actually like it waslike an inpatient inpatient the
last two times.
Okay, um, I got misdiagnosedwhen I first this first all
started.
It happened february 2020, okay, and so that was like a habit
to be a nurse, yes, okay.
So, on top of everything elsethat's going on, I decided to go
(02:24):
crazy.
It wasn't fun, but, um, atfirst they thought.
At first, first they thought Ihad paranoid personality
disorder, okay.
Then in march, they thought Iwas schizophrenic, oh.
So then they started giving meschizophrenic meds which didn't
(02:44):
work out very well because I, Iwas schizophrenic, oh my
goodness.
So then they started giving meschizophrenic meds which didn't
work out very well because I'mnot schizophrenic.
Speaker 1 (02:50):
So what was it?
It had an adverse reaction.
Speaker 2 (02:52):
I just didn't feel myself at all.
I didn't feel good taking it,so I just knew I don't need this
medication.
I know I'm not schizophrenic.
I don't need this.
It's not helping me.
It did you feel like?
Speaker 1 (03:03):
it was something else , or you just knew like, okay,
whatever it is, it's not this.
Speaker 2 (03:07):
I knew it was.
I didn't know it was somethinglike I didn't know how bad I was
, but I didn't think I knew itwasn't.
I'm not schizophrenic like Icould just tell.
I'm not schizophrenic.
I don't have compulsive thought, not compulsive thoughts like I
don't hear voices and differentthings, like of that nature of
a schizophrenic I'm not.
I knew what.
(03:27):
That wasn't me.
I knew something might havebeen off, but I wasn't sure what
okay, so they misdiagnosed you,they they get your
schizophrenic meds.
Speaker 1 (03:38):
And then what?
I stopped taking them.
Speaker 2 (03:38):
Yes, I was home when I stopped taking them, I stopped
taking them.
Were you home when you stoppedtaking them?
Yes, I was home when I stoppedtaking them.
I stopped treatment.
I was in therapy at the time.
I stopped everything Becauseanother reason why I thought I
was going through mini menopausebecause I could just sit and
soak a shirt up with sweatwithout moving.
(04:02):
I was just sitting there and Iwould would just soak a shirt.
My shirts would be soaked.
Now, was that from the thyroid?
Yes, but I thought it was from.
Speaker 1 (04:15):
I thought I was starting menopause, like that's
what I thought that'sinteresting that you said that,
because I remember having issueswith low thyroidism and my
doctor told me that it can mimicdepression.
Okay, yeah, so it just goes toshow you like something could be
wrong medically.
That affects you mentally.
Speaker 2 (04:30):
Yes, yes, and having your thyroid off it increases.
It doesn't make you depressed.
It helped.
It was helping with the manicepisodes that I was having.
Yes, yes, long story short, Iended up getting diagnosed as
being bipolar, and that sitswell with me.
(04:52):
I got a second opinion I got asecond opinion and they both
said the diagnosis it it fits.
It fits my symptoms, what itwas I was experiencing, it fits.
And what I was experiencing wasintrusive thoughts, anxiety, a
(05:14):
lot of anxiety, um, not beingable to sleep.
I was up, maybe I'd sleep forlike two hours and then I was
just up again doing stuff.
Speaker 1 (05:26):
Like what would you be doing?
Speaker 2 (05:28):
No, I was doing extra stuff.
I was creating stuff, doingworking on projects on Facebook.
I was on Facebook talking trashto a bunch of people.
It was bad.
Yeah, it was bad.
It wasn't just like going aboutmy business.
It was bad.
It wasn't just like going aboutmy business, I was extra.
Speaker 1 (05:47):
Because you know, some people are functional.
They have functional mentalhealth issues where, like you,
can be functionally depressed orhigh-functioning depressed or
high-functioning bipolar, andyou know, nobody will know to
look at you, because, like yousaid you complete different
tasks, projects and things, butyou said for you the things you
were doing really didn't haveany meaning.
Speaker 2 (06:06):
It had.
Some of it had meaning, Like itwas a point where I was pulling
out pictures of my family and Iwas reminiscing, but other
stuff it didn't have meaning, itwas just me doing stuff.
What did it feel?
Speaker 1 (06:19):
like I mean, I know at the time you didn't know that
you were, I guess, away fromyourself or outside of yourself.
I don't know if I want to sayinsane, I don't like that word,
but when you felt like youweren't you, what did?
Speaker 2 (06:33):
it feel like Scary, very, very scary, because I
couldn't turn my mind offCertain thoughts that I would
have.
You know how you can just brushthem away and think, okay, no,
move on and think aboutsomething else more positive.
I couldn't do that, so I wouldjust sit and dwell and dwell and
(06:55):
dwell in fearful thoughts.
Speaker 1 (06:58):
it was bad, yeah and so it sounds like you did a
little bit of your own researchregarding the symptoms you had,
and that's how you were able toaccept the diagnosis of bipolar
disorder.
So research symptoms you feltlike, okay, these do match what
I'm experiencing for the mostpart.
Speaker 2 (07:15):
Yes, the symptoms line up, so I've accepted it.
I've accepted it to a certainpoint.
It's still kind of.
It's still new because it'sjust happened recently and I
started therapy again tosomewhat deal with it, to deal
with the scary moments to dealwith, because I also tried to
(07:36):
commit suicide twice during theend.
Yeah, because I was just.
My mind was just so far goneand I couldn't see a way out.
I thought I killed my kids,like I.
I was just so fearful they weresafe, nothing, it was all in my
head.
Like my daughter, she got on abus to go to New York.
(07:58):
No, she got on a bus to go toMassachusetts, but she had to
stop in New York and for somereason I was just so fearful of
her getting on the bus andgetting hurt.
I'm not even going to describeor say what I thought was
happening, but I was just soscared.
I had my dad take me to pickher up to new york and drive her
the rest of the way, because Iwouldn't have been able to sit
(08:19):
there for the whole hours thatit had to get there like the
thing, some of the things thatyou fear the most is what was
playing in your head.
Speaker 1 (08:27):
Yeah, the things we would normally be concerned
about, um, as parents, like Iknow sometimes, when, if I call
my oldest and she's out, youknow, with her friends and then
she doesn't answer by the secondring I'm like oh my god,
something happened.
She's in this line, yeah youknow.
And she's like oh, my phone'son time you know, so things like
that were going on in your head, but too like extremes like
(08:48):
it's like.
Speaker 2 (08:49):
At one point I thought she was going to be a
human sacrifice.
Like it was bad.
It was bad.
My mind was going to some darklike I've never.
I didn't think I could go thatdark as I did and I got so low
that I thought the only way Ican get out of this is to kill
(09:10):
myself.
Like it's crazy, wow.
Speaker 1 (09:13):
So so when you try to , you have to say unabide
yourself.
Nowadays, okay, when you triedto self-harm, were you home at
the time?
Speaker 2 (09:24):
Yes, I was home.
Speaker 1 (09:25):
Did anybody?
Speaker 2 (09:26):
know that you were having like suicidal ideation.
It was one person, but theydidn't do anything, so okay to
kind of like yeah, okay, I canunderstand it.
Speaker 1 (09:37):
So that's why it's important to to also, I think,
surround yourself with people,um, who are going to be
concerned about your well-beingas well, right, and where you
can be safe with like, listen, Idon't know what's going on with
me, I don't know what it is.
I need you to take this serious, right, and so that's why
conversations like this areimportant, but specifically with
(09:59):
the right people.
I can look back at my own lifeand remember so many times where
I felt like, oh my god, likeit's over for me, but mainly it
was like exaggerated, because Ididn't have anybody to talk to.
You know what I?
Speaker 2 (10:13):
mean.
Speaker 1 (10:15):
So, just piggybacking off of what you said, just
having to have what sounds liketwo stints in the inpatient
facility, having had amisdiagnosis one which you
advocated for yourself becauseyou realize, like this doesn't
fit the symptoms that I'mpresenting, which I want to
applaud you for that, because somany times people are
misdiagnosed, right orundiagnosed, and their symptoms
(10:40):
go, you know, get worse, ortheir care, obviously, you know,
declines, and so I'm so gladthat you were able to be like
hey, wait a minute, listen, Iknow something's going on, but
what you're saying is going onis not what's going on.
But how long do you think ittook you overall to kind of what
was your breaking point, right,and where would you say that
(11:00):
you're at now?
Speaker 2 (11:03):
Okay.
My breaking point was the lasttime I got admitted to the
hospital.
They injected me with something.
I don't know what it was, but Icould feel myself come back to
my body and I was like, oh, I'moff, like something's really off
, like I need something, I needto do something.
(11:23):
This isn't good.
And then I started payingattention.
I haven't been sleeping, sowhen they took me to the
inpatient facility, I asked forsomething to sleep and they
ended up giving me Abilify,which is a medication, and I
ended up taking it and Iactually did sleep some and I
(11:45):
felt better.
And I'm still on Abilify tothis day.
I'm on a low dose of like fivemilligrams or five mg, so it
keeps me stable, it keeps megrounded, it keeps me where I
need to be.
Speaker 1 (11:59):
Right, wow.
So you know obviously a lot ofthe things that you're saying.
Well, it's news to me, eventhough you're my cousin.
It's news to me because Ididn't realize the scope or the
magnitude of what you were goingthrough, but it's so to me.
It's so important that we takewe obviously we take time to
(12:21):
take care of ourselves and tokind of like pay attention to
ourselves.
Because you said, you startedto realize like wait a minute,
I'm not sleeping, I'm sweatingthrough shirts and there's
obviously some things going onwith me medically.
Were there things that yourealized that happened with you
medically that kind ofexacerbated your symptoms?
The thyroidism.
Speaker 2 (12:39):
Did the hyperthyroidism I had, I think
one of my thyroids are enlargedand a couple glands are enlarged
.
One of my thyroids are enlargedand a couple glands are
enlarged, so that didn't helpany.
And my menstrual cycle is awhole, nother issue by itself.
But I have mental health issuesaround my mental cycle still
(13:00):
now, Like I have some anxietyduring that time.
So the combination of the threebeing bipolar the thyroid and
my menstruation.
Speaker 1 (13:11):
And a lack of sleep.
Speaker 2 (13:12):
Yeah, and a lack of sleep, it was just, it was too
much.
Speaker 1 (13:16):
So they say that there are.
There's, you know, some mentalhealth conditions that are
caused, you know, by genetics,Some are environmental and some
are due to trauma.
Right, and a lot of the mentalhealth issues that I experienced
the anxiety, depression,post-traumatic stress disorder,
all of which I've been treatedfor all were exacerbated by the
trauma that I experiencedgrowing up, right, Just years
(13:38):
and years of compounded traumaon top of trauma.
Do you think that there wassomething in your past or
childhood, or even in your adultlife that you experienced that
was traumatic, that maybecontributed to your mental
health decline?
Speaker 2 (13:51):
I think me not taking care of myself helped to
exasperate.
That's how you say that right.
Exasperate the problem becauseI didn't put myself first.
But prior to this I put otherpeople first and I wasn't doing
certain things that I needed todo to keep myself mentally
(14:12):
grounded or spiritually groundedand centered in something.
I wasn't doing that I was justgoing about my business so now?
Speaker 1 (14:22):
so, with that being said, what do you do now?
What are your practices now?
Spiritually, emotionally, uh,physically?
What do you do now to keep inaddition to your medicine?
What do you do now to take careof yourself?
Speaker 2 (14:35):
okay, so I do a lot of different things.
I have a extensive routine thatI do daily, so I I dream
journal every morning, justabout every morning.
As long as I can remember mydreams, I write them down.
Speaker 1 (14:48):
Okay.
Speaker 2 (14:50):
I do a sound bath, that's with singing bowls.
Speaker 1 (14:55):
Is that when they take that like it's like a
wooden stick and they just like,go, yeah, go around and makes
like it makes a noise.
Speaker 2 (15:02):
So does the noise calm you down?
The noise, okay, it's a form ofsound healing.
It's supposed to?
How to explain it?
Like, each bowl vibrates to adifferent frequency.
Oh, wow, and it depends on whatfrequency you're trying to
match and your body can likeabsorb the sound in a sense and
(15:23):
match that frequency.
Speaker 1 (15:25):
So, oh, wow.
So when it matches thefrequency, what does it do
physically for you?
Speaker 2 (15:30):
Depending on which one it does, it heals you.
Wow, I never heard of that.
Speaker 1 (15:34):
I've heard of sound baths, but I didn't realize that
that's what they do, wow.
Speaker 2 (15:40):
Interesting.
So you do that?
Yes, I do that.
I practice yoga, I domeditations and I have several
affirmations and I wrote some ofthem down.
Okay, my gifts and talents makeroom for me.
I accept trust, honor,celebrate and own all that I am.
I'm rooted and grounded in love.
(16:01):
I was never given a spirit offear, but one of power, love and
a sound mind.
Yeah, first, of all.
Speaker 1 (16:09):
I think this is the most beautiful comeback, like
for you, first of all, to behere and in your sound mind and
in the process of recovering allthat.
We know that the enemy meant toyou, know happen to you, is to
me, is just outstanding.
But a lot of what you said,your affirmations, are rooted in
(16:31):
scripture right.
Yeah, and for me, you know,obviously, being a woman of
faith, that means the world tome because despite all that I've
gone through, despite all that,I felt like I had lost and how
traumatized I was.
I felt like there was no hopefor me or help for me.
But I literally found help inthe Bible.
(16:52):
I literally found help throughGod, through prayer, you know,
through meditation, throughbeing still so to see.
You know, when you're goingthrough something and you're
experiencing your recovery,sometimes you think, oh, this
only works for me.
You know, this is only ideal tomy recovery.
But to hear you quote some ofthose same scriptures or use
some of those same spiritualpractices is like wow, it's
(17:13):
confirmation to me.
You know that, first of all,god is real and it works.
You know, I love what you saidabout the affirmations.
I love what you said that youaffirmations.
I love what you said that youdream journal.
I journal a lot, not necessarilydream journal, but I do journal
my feelings, excuse me.
I do journal my feelings a lot.
I do journal what I'm thinkingand sometimes, when I can't put
(17:34):
into words what I want to say toGod in prayer, I'll write it
down, but I find that that helpsa lot, especially with having
been so traumatized I'm prone tosuppress, so so journaling
helps me to kind of like get itout.
Um, but wow, I love that.
And so you do this every day,yeah.
Speaker 2 (17:54):
Every day.
Speaker 1 (17:55):
Awesome, that's awesome.
So do you find that?
Has there ever been a day whereyou missed it, or anything like
that?
Speaker 2 (18:02):
If I miss it, I tend to do it in the evening then
just to make up for it.
But the only time I don't feellike doing it is around my
menstruation time, to be honestwith you, and that's just
because I'm tired.
Speaker 1 (18:15):
Okay, okay.
So so you have now developed,in addition to your, your
medicine, a spiritual practice,I like to call it.
It's like spiritual hygiene,right, it's like taking care of
yourself.
And you know, when we hear liketake care of yourself or
self-care, you know sometimes,especially in our culture, we
think it's just getting yourhair and nails done.
(18:35):
But it's literally like takingcare of the self right.
And the self is more than thebody, the hair, the nails, the
outer appearance.
The self is the soul, it's themind, it's the spirit, it's the
emotion.
So I now have adopted thisthought that self-care is soul
care, or soul care is the realself-care.
(18:56):
It's the inner work, absolutely.
And I never thought that wasimportant before.
I don't know why I didn't thinkit was important.
I don't.
I don't know if it's just likethe way I grew up.
It was just like you always dofor others.
You kind of more acts ofservice, just do all of these
things and performance,performance, performance.
You know, um, but I neverrealized how important it was to
(19:19):
take care of myself.
So this is really, reallyprofound for me.
Overall, what would you takeaway from this experience and
what would you say to somebodywho may be going through
something similar You're askingme about the experience, like,
overall, what I'm taking from it.
Speaker 2 (19:36):
How's it shaped me?
It's opened my eyes to themental health world, having a
firsthand experience of whatit's like to literally lose your
mind and then to find it again.
I appreciate my peace.
Now.
I know how it feels to bescared out of your mind, yeah,
(19:57):
and I appreciate having a soundmind.
I truly appreciate that, likeit was a time right after I had
this episode, like I would justsay every single day before I go
to bed thank you that I have asound mind, thank you and just
say it on repeat thank you thatI have a sound mind, because not
everybody comes back fromsomething like this.
Speaker 1 (20:16):
That's right.
Some people went through whatyou went through and they didn't
make it and it's, even thoughit's cliche, in your case it's
100% true.
But on the opposite spectrum,because you went through that
but you made it, that was thegrace of God.
I feel like, with all theprayers that went through with
our family, like during thattime, we were like, oh no, this
(20:39):
is not happening to us, you know, this is not happening to
anybody in our family.
Like we bombarded heaven, wewere praying, we were saying the
23rd Psalms, like grandma wasnot having that, you know, like
everybody was just fighting foryou spiritually and but I, what
I like about it is you foughtfor yourself, you fought to come
back, you know, to Finnell andand you made it and you're
(20:59):
making it like that's, that'ssomething to be so proud of,
that's something to be heckaproud of.
Like, like.
I feel like, when somebody hasexperienced what you have,
there's a power that you nowhold and and there's a testament
that you now have as well, tobe able to say been there, done
that, and this is how you know Imay be able to overcome it.
(21:20):
This is how I'm able toliterally triumph over my trauma
and even though you said thatyou can't necessarily pinpoint
anything that happened traumaticin your life that may have
contributed to you, this wholething is traumatic, right Like
it was traumatic for you.
It was traumatic for us.
It was traumatic right Like itwas traumatic for you.
It was traumatic for us.
It was traumatic, you know,overall.
And one of the things like whenI researched traumatic
(21:44):
experiences, one of the thingsthat comes up is having a
relative or being in a closerelationship with somebody who
suffers from a mental healthdisorder.
So even that in itself can betraumatic to the person who's
obviously going through and thento the loved ones around it.
Speaker 2 (21:59):
So, yeah, definitely I can understand that.
I can definitely understand andsee that because I drove.
I didn't drive my family crazy,but I know they were on edge
like what is she going to donext?
What's's going to happen?
But I was walking down thehighway at one point with no
shoes on.
Oh, my goodness, like it wasbad.
Speaker 1 (22:20):
Yeah, wow, wow.
I'm just glad that you cameback, I mean again to look at
you, to know you.
Nobody would have ever thoughtnobody would have ever been like
she, been through that, likethat's just amazing, it's just,
it's just a grace of God.
Well, you're doing so well.
I see you on your social mediais coming back to the things
that you love.
You're always been an awesomedancer, awesome creative person,
(22:43):
very intellectual, very intouch with yourself, and I see
that being restored on yoursocial media pages.
And I know that you are amasseuse as well, so you offer
healing practices for otherpeople, right?
You want to tell us a littlebit about your masseuse practice
?
Yes, I work as a massagetherapist.
Speaker 2 (23:00):
I'm a traveling massage therapist.
I work out of northernMassachusetts and southern New
Hampshire and once a month Itravel down to South Jersey to
see certain clients.
Speaker 1 (23:13):
As a massage therapist, are you incorporating
some of the experiences or someof the takeaways that you
learned from this wholeexperience?
Speaker 2 (23:20):
My job is very peaceful.
I enjoy it because it ispeaceful.
I can sit and heal people andhelp people to relax, help
people to get into a certainstate of mind, like I personally
use massage for meditation Okay, because it's an easy way to
get into a meditative state evenfor yourself when you're
(23:43):
performing the massage.
Yes, okay, I can get into ameditative state that way, in
the person getting the massagemost people zone out.
They don't realize that that'sa meditative state.
So it's helping them to bestill without them realizing
they're being still.
Wow, so I incorporate and Ilive the peace.
(24:03):
I guess you can say in a wayyeah, wow.
Speaker 1 (24:08):
So it's like peace is not only who you've become,
it's like your livelihood aswell, like that's awesome,
that's awesome.
Well, I know you said you havea special treat for some of the
listeners if they're interestedin getting massage therapy.
I'm going to read see if I haveit here.
I'm going to read it to makesure I get this right.
Okay, so if you or someone youknow are interested in booking a
(24:28):
massage with the great Deborah,you can check out the link in
the show notes.
It'll be in the bottom of theshow notes of this episode.
Make sure to use the couponcode triumph to receive $20 off
your next massage.
There will be one link for thosewho are in New Hampshire and
Northern Massachusetts and therewill be another link for those
(24:48):
who are in the South Jersey area.
Well, actually it's not a link.
You can just emailjustrelaxnow11 at gmailcom to
book if you're in the southjersey area.
And again, you can find thisinformation in the um show notes
of today's episodes.
Well, deborah, it's literallybeen my pleasure sitting with
you and sharing your experiences.
(25:08):
Any last words?
Speaker 2 (25:10):
don't have a certain type of spiritual practice that
keeps you grounded and centered,create one, so this way you can
sustain your mental health aswell as your spiritual health,
and that's it.
Speaker 1 (25:26):
Thank you, awesome, awesome.
Thank you again so much.
I appreciate you being here.
All right, guys, that's it fortoday.
I'm going to wrap it up here.
Remember thanks be unto God,who always causes us to triumph.
Speaker 2 (25:37):
Thank you, thank you.
Hey y'all, welcome to triumph over trauma the podcast
.
Listen y'all.
I created this podcast because,like so many other people, I've
had a traumatic past.
I didn't always realize howthose things affected me
negatively and how I evencarried them into my adult life,
and so I wanted to create aspace where other people could
come and we could have candidconversations on how you
(00:22):
identify trauma, how do younavigate it and how you recover
from traumatic experiences.
If this resonates with you,then join me.
I am your host and traumasurvivor, ms Eve McNair.
Let's get into it.
Hello everybody, welcome backto Triumph Over Trauma.
As you all know, we're doing anew series called your Story,
and today we have with us aspecial guest, my cousin Deborah
(00:44):
.
Deborah, would you like to sayhello?
Speaker 2 (00:46):
Hello everyone.
Speaker 1 (00:47):
Deborah is going to share an awesome story with us,
one of triumph and a little bitof trauma.
You know, sometimes we take forgranted our mental health and
how delicate it is, especiallyin the climate of the world that
we live in today, with so muchgoing on and with so many
responsibilities that we have.
(01:07):
Sometimes we can put ourselveson the back burner and it can
affect our mental health.
So Deborah is going to shareher story and talk to us about
how her mental health waschallenged and how she's learned
to triumph over the traumaticexperience.
Speaker 2 (01:20):
Deborah, tell us what happened, okay so first, I'm
going to start off by sayingmental health is no joke and it
can be very scary at times, andin February 2020, I experienced
my first manic episode thatended up lasting for about six
months.
I also had a thyroid issue aswell, and the combination of the
(01:41):
two things flipped my wholeworld upside down.
During the six months, I was inand out of the hospital about
five times.
I ended up going to thehospital about three times and
then to a mental health facilitywhere I stayed there for about
two weeks twice.
(02:02):
So you actually like it waslike an inpatient inpatient the
last two times.
Okay, um, I got misdiagnosedwhen I first this first all
started.
It happened february 2020, okay, and so that was like a habit
to be a nurse, yes, okay.
So, on top of everything elsethat's going on, I decided to go
(02:24):
crazy.
It wasn't fun, but, um, atfirst they thought.
At first, first they thought Ihad paranoid personality
disorder, okay.
Then in march, they thought Iwas schizophrenic, oh.
So then they started giving meschizophrenic meds which didn't
(02:44):
work out very well because I, Iwas schizophrenic, oh my
goodness.
So then they started giving meschizophrenic meds which didn't
work out very well because I'mnot schizophrenic.
Speaker 1 (02:50):
So what was it?
It had an adverse reaction.
Speaker 2 (02:52):
I just didn't feel myself at all.
I didn't feel good taking it,so I just knew I don't need this
medication.
I know I'm not schizophrenic.
I don't need this.
It's not helping me.
It did you feel like?
Speaker 1 (03:03):
it was something else , or you just knew like, okay,
whatever it is, it's not this.
Speaker 2 (03:07):
I knew it was.
I didn't know it was somethinglike I didn't know how bad I was
, but I didn't think I knew itwasn't.
I'm not schizophrenic like Icould just tell.
I'm not schizophrenic.
I don't have compulsive thought, not compulsive thoughts like I
don't hear voices and differentthings, like of that nature of
a schizophrenic I'm not.
I knew what.
(03:27):
That wasn't me.
I knew something might havebeen off, but I wasn't sure what
okay, so they misdiagnosed you,they they get your
schizophrenic meds.
Speaker 1 (03:38):
And then what?
I stopped taking them.
Speaker 2 (03:38):
Yes, I was home when I stopped taking them, I stopped
taking them.
Were you home when you stoppedtaking them?
Yes, I was home when I stoppedtaking them.
I stopped treatment.
I was in therapy at the time.
I stopped everything Becauseanother reason why I thought I
was going through mini menopausebecause I could just sit and
soak a shirt up with sweatwithout moving.
(04:02):
I was just sitting there and Iwould would just soak a shirt.
My shirts would be soaked.
Now, was that from the thyroid?
Yes, but I thought it was from.
Speaker 1 (04:15):
I thought I was starting menopause, like that's
what I thought that'sinteresting that you said that,
because I remember having issueswith low thyroidism and my
doctor told me that it can mimicdepression.
Okay, yeah, so it just goes toshow you like something could be
wrong medically.
That affects you mentally.
Speaker 2 (04:30):
Yes, yes, and having your thyroid off it increases.
It doesn't make you depressed.
It helped.
It was helping with the manicepisodes that I was having.
Yes, yes, long story short, Iended up getting diagnosed as
being bipolar, and that sitswell with me.
(04:52):
I got a second opinion I got asecond opinion and they both
said the diagnosis it it fits.
It fits my symptoms, what itwas I was experiencing, it fits.
And what I was experiencing wasintrusive thoughts, anxiety, a
(05:14):
lot of anxiety, um, not beingable to sleep.
I was up, maybe I'd sleep forlike two hours and then I was
just up again doing stuff.
Speaker 1 (05:26):
Like what would you be doing?
Speaker 2 (05:28):
No, I was doing extra stuff.
I was creating stuff, doingworking on projects on Facebook.
I was on Facebook talking trashto a bunch of people.
It was bad.
Yeah, it was bad.
It wasn't just like going aboutmy business.
It was bad.
It wasn't just like going aboutmy business, I was extra.
Speaker 1 (05:47):
Because you know, some people are functional.
They have functional mentalhealth issues where, like you,
can be functionally depressed orhigh-functioning depressed or
high-functioning bipolar, andyou know, nobody will know to
look at you, because, like yousaid you complete different
tasks, projects and things, butyou said for you the things you
were doing really didn't haveany meaning.
Speaker 2 (06:06):
It had.
Some of it had meaning, Like itwas a point where I was pulling
out pictures of my family and Iwas reminiscing, but other
stuff it didn't have meaning, itwas just me doing stuff.
What did it feel?
Speaker 1 (06:19):
like I mean, I know at the time you didn't know that
you were, I guess, away fromyourself or outside of yourself.
I don't know if I want to sayinsane, I don't like that word,
but when you felt like youweren't you, what did?
Speaker 2 (06:33):
it feel like Scary, very, very scary, because I
couldn't turn my mind offCertain thoughts that I would
have.
You know how you can just brushthem away and think, okay, no,
move on and think aboutsomething else more positive.
I couldn't do that, so I wouldjust sit and dwell and dwell and
(06:55):
dwell in fearful thoughts.
Speaker 1 (06:58):
it was bad, yeah and so it sounds like you did a
little bit of your own researchregarding the symptoms you had,
and that's how you were able toaccept the diagnosis of bipolar
disorder.
So research symptoms you feltlike, okay, these do match what
I'm experiencing for the mostpart.
Speaker 2 (07:15):
Yes, the symptoms line up, so I've accepted it.
I've accepted it to a certainpoint.
It's still kind of.
It's still new because it'sjust happened recently and I
started therapy again tosomewhat deal with it, to deal
with the scary moments to dealwith, because I also tried to
(07:36):
commit suicide twice during theend.
Yeah, because I was just.
My mind was just so far goneand I couldn't see a way out.
I thought I killed my kids,like I.
I was just so fearful they weresafe, nothing, it was all in my
head.
Like my daughter, she got on abus to go to New York.
(07:58):
No, she got on a bus to go toMassachusetts, but she had to
stop in New York and for somereason I was just so fearful of
her getting on the bus andgetting hurt.
I'm not even going to describeor say what I thought was
happening, but I was just soscared.
I had my dad take me to pickher up to new york and drive her
the rest of the way, because Iwouldn't have been able to sit
(08:19):
there for the whole hours thatit had to get there like the
thing, some of the things thatyou fear the most is what was
playing in your head.
Speaker 1 (08:27):
Yeah, the things we would normally be concerned
about, um, as parents, like Iknow sometimes, when, if I call
my oldest and she's out, youknow, with her friends and then
she doesn't answer by the secondring I'm like oh my god,
something happened.
She's in this line, yeah youknow.
And she's like oh, my phone'son time you know, so things like
that were going on in your head, but too like extremes like
(08:48):
it's like.
Speaker 2 (08:49):
At one point I thought she was going to be a
human sacrifice.
Like it was bad.
It was bad.
My mind was going to some darklike I've never.
I didn't think I could go thatdark as I did and I got so low
that I thought the only way Ican get out of this is to kill
(09:10):
myself.
Like it's crazy, wow.
Speaker 1 (09:13):
So so when you try to , you have to say unabide
yourself.
Nowadays, okay, when you triedto self-harm, were you home at
the time?
Speaker 2 (09:24):
Yes, I was home.
Speaker 1 (09:25):
Did anybody?
Speaker 2 (09:26):
know that you were having like suicidal ideation.
It was one person, but theydidn't do anything, so okay to
kind of like yeah, okay, I canunderstand it.
Speaker 1 (09:37):
So that's why it's important to to also, I think,
surround yourself with people,um, who are going to be
concerned about your well-beingas well, right, and where you
can be safe with like, listen, Idon't know what's going on with
me, I don't know what it is.
I need you to take this serious, right, and so that's why
conversations like this areimportant, but specifically with
(09:59):
the right people.
I can look back at my own lifeand remember so many times where
I felt like, oh my god, likeit's over for me, but mainly it
was like exaggerated, because Ididn't have anybody to talk to.
You know what I?
Speaker 2 (10:13):
mean.
Speaker 1 (10:15):
So, just piggybacking off of what you said, just
having to have what sounds liketwo stints in the inpatient
facility, having had amisdiagnosis one which you
advocated for yourself becauseyou realize, like this doesn't
fit the symptoms that I'mpresenting, which I want to
applaud you for that, because somany times people are
misdiagnosed, right orundiagnosed, and their symptoms
(10:40):
go, you know, get worse, ortheir care, obviously, you know,
declines, and so I'm so gladthat you were able to be like
hey, wait a minute, listen, Iknow something's going on, but
what you're saying is going onis not what's going on.
But how long do you think ittook you overall to kind of what
was your breaking point, right,and where would you say that
(11:00):
you're at now?
Speaker 2 (11:03):
Okay.
My breaking point was the lasttime I got admitted to the
hospital.
They injected me with something.
I don't know what it was, but Icould feel myself come back to
my body and I was like, oh, I'moff, like something's really off
, like I need something, I needto do something.
(11:23):
This isn't good.
And then I started payingattention.
I haven't been sleeping, sowhen they took me to the
inpatient facility, I asked forsomething to sleep and they
ended up giving me Abilify,which is a medication, and I
ended up taking it and Iactually did sleep some and I
(11:45):
felt better.
And I'm still on Abilify tothis day.
I'm on a low dose of like fivemilligrams or five mg, so it
keeps me stable, it keeps megrounded, it keeps me where I
need to be.
Speaker 1 (11:59):
Right, wow.
So you know obviously a lot ofthe things that you're saying.
Well, it's news to me, eventhough you're my cousin.
It's news to me because Ididn't realize the scope or the
magnitude of what you were goingthrough, but it's so to me.
It's so important that we takewe obviously we take time to
(12:21):
take care of ourselves and tokind of like pay attention to
ourselves.
Because you said, you startedto realize like wait a minute,
I'm not sleeping, I'm sweatingthrough shirts and there's
obviously some things going onwith me medically.
Were there things that yourealized that happened with you
medically that kind ofexacerbated your symptoms?
The thyroidism.
Speaker 2 (12:39):
Did the hyperthyroidism I had, I think
one of my thyroids are enlargedand a couple glands are enlarged
.
One of my thyroids are enlargedand a couple glands are
enlarged, so that didn't helpany.
And my menstrual cycle is awhole, nother issue by itself.
But I have mental health issuesaround my mental cycle still
(13:00):
now, Like I have some anxietyduring that time.
So the combination of the threebeing bipolar the thyroid and
my menstruation.
Speaker 1 (13:11):
And a lack of sleep.
Speaker 2 (13:12):
Yeah, and a lack of sleep, it was just, it was too
much.
Speaker 1 (13:16):
So they say that there are.
There's, you know, some mentalhealth conditions that are
caused, you know, by genetics,Some are environmental and some
are due to trauma.
Right, and a lot of the mentalhealth issues that I experienced
the anxiety, depression,post-traumatic stress disorder,
all of which I've been treatedfor all were exacerbated by the
trauma that I experiencedgrowing up, right, Just years
(13:38):
and years of compounded traumaon top of trauma.
Do you think that there wassomething in your past or
childhood, or even in your adultlife that you experienced that
was traumatic, that maybecontributed to your mental
health decline?
Speaker 2 (13:51):
I think me not taking care of myself helped to
exasperate.
That's how you say that right.
Exasperate the problem becauseI didn't put myself first.
But prior to this I put otherpeople first and I wasn't doing
certain things that I needed todo to keep myself mentally
(14:12):
grounded or spiritually groundedand centered in something.
I wasn't doing that I was justgoing about my business so now?
Speaker 1 (14:22):
so, with that being said, what do you do now?
What are your practices now?
Spiritually, emotionally, uh,physically?
What do you do now to keep inaddition to your medicine?
What do you do now to take careof yourself?
Speaker 2 (14:35):
okay, so I do a lot of different things.
I have a extensive routine thatI do daily, so I I dream
journal every morning, justabout every morning.
As long as I can remember mydreams, I write them down.
Speaker 1 (14:48):
Okay.
Speaker 2 (14:50):
I do a sound bath, that's with singing bowls.
Speaker 1 (14:55):
Is that when they take that like it's like a
wooden stick and they just like,go, yeah, go around and makes
like it makes a noise.
Speaker 2 (15:02):
So does the noise calm you down?
The noise, okay, it's a form ofsound healing.
It's supposed to?
How to explain it?
Like, each bowl vibrates to adifferent frequency.
Oh, wow, and it depends on whatfrequency you're trying to
match and your body can likeabsorb the sound in a sense and
(15:23):
match that frequency.
Speaker 1 (15:25):
So, oh, wow.
So when it matches thefrequency, what does it do
physically for you?
Speaker 2 (15:30):
Depending on which one it does, it heals you.
Wow, I never heard of that.
Speaker 1 (15:34):
I've heard of sound baths, but I didn't realize that
that's what they do, wow.
Speaker 2 (15:40):
Interesting.
So you do that?
Yes, I do that.
I practice yoga, I domeditations and I have several
affirmations and I wrote some ofthem down.
Okay, my gifts and talents makeroom for me.
I accept trust, honor,celebrate and own all that I am.
I'm rooted and grounded in love.
(16:01):
I was never given a spirit offear, but one of power, love and
a sound mind.
Yeah, first, of all.
Speaker 1 (16:09):
I think this is the most beautiful comeback, like
for you, first of all, to behere and in your sound mind and
in the process of recovering allthat.
We know that the enemy meant toyou, know happen to you, is to
me, is just outstanding.
But a lot of what you said,your affirmations, are rooted in
(16:31):
scripture right.
Yeah, and for me, you know,obviously, being a woman of
faith, that means the world tome because despite all that I've
gone through, despite all that,I felt like I had lost and how
traumatized I was.
I felt like there was no hopefor me or help for me.
But I literally found help inthe Bible.
(16:52):
I literally found help throughGod, through prayer, you know,
through meditation, throughbeing still so to see.
You know, when you're goingthrough something and you're
experiencing your recovery,sometimes you think, oh, this
only works for me.
You know, this is only ideal tomy recovery.
But to hear you quote some ofthose same scriptures or use
some of those same spiritualpractices is like wow, it's
(17:13):
confirmation to me.
You know that, first of all,god is real and it works.
You know, I love what you saidabout the affirmations.
I love what you said that youaffirmations.
I love what you said that youdream journal.
I journal a lot, not necessarilydream journal, but I do journal
my feelings, excuse me.
I do journal my feelings a lot.
I do journal what I'm thinkingand sometimes, when I can't put
(17:34):
into words what I want to say toGod in prayer, I'll write it
down, but I find that that helpsa lot, especially with having
been so traumatized I'm prone tosuppress, so so journaling
helps me to kind of like get itout.
Um, but wow, I love that.
And so you do this every day,yeah.
Speaker 2 (17:54):
Every day.
Speaker 1 (17:55):
Awesome, that's awesome.
So do you find that?
Has there ever been a day whereyou missed it, or anything like
that?
Speaker 2 (18:02):
If I miss it, I tend to do it in the evening then
just to make up for it.
But the only time I don't feellike doing it is around my
menstruation time, to be honestwith you, and that's just
because I'm tired.
Speaker 1 (18:15):
Okay, okay.
So so you have now developed,in addition to your, your
medicine, a spiritual practice,I like to call it.
It's like spiritual hygiene,right, it's like taking care of
yourself.
And you know, when we hear liketake care of yourself or
self-care, you know sometimes,especially in our culture, we
think it's just getting yourhair and nails done.
(18:35):
But it's literally like takingcare of the self right.
And the self is more than thebody, the hair, the nails, the
outer appearance.
The self is the soul, it's themind, it's the spirit, it's the
emotion.
So I now have adopted thisthought that self-care is soul
care, or soul care is the realself-care.
(18:56):
It's the inner work, absolutely.
And I never thought that wasimportant before.
I don't know why I didn't thinkit was important.
I don't.
I don't know if it's just likethe way I grew up.
It was just like you always dofor others.
You kind of more acts ofservice, just do all of these
things and performance,performance, performance.
You know, um, but I neverrealized how important it was to
(19:19):
take care of myself.
So this is really, reallyprofound for me.
Overall, what would you takeaway from this experience and
what would you say to somebodywho may be going through
something similar You're askingme about the experience, like,
overall, what I'm taking from it.
Speaker 2 (19:36):
How's it shaped me?
It's opened my eyes to themental health world, having a
firsthand experience of whatit's like to literally lose your
mind and then to find it again.
I appreciate my peace.
Now.
I know how it feels to bescared out of your mind, yeah,
(19:57):
and I appreciate having a soundmind.
I truly appreciate that, likeit was a time right after I had
this episode, like I would justsay every single day before I go
to bed thank you that I have asound mind, thank you and just
say it on repeat thank you thatI have a sound mind, because not
everybody comes back fromsomething like this.
Speaker 1 (20:16):
That's right.
Some people went through whatyou went through and they didn't
make it and it's, even thoughit's cliche, in your case it's
100% true.
But on the opposite spectrum,because you went through that
but you made it, that was thegrace of God.
I feel like, with all theprayers that went through with
our family, like during thattime, we were like, oh no, this
(20:39):
is not happening to us, you know, this is not happening to
anybody in our family.
Like we bombarded heaven, wewere praying, we were saying the
23rd Psalms, like grandma wasnot having that, you know, like
everybody was just fighting foryou spiritually and but I, what
I like about it is you foughtfor yourself, you fought to come
back, you know, to Finnell andand you made it and you're
(20:59):
making it like that's, that'ssomething to be so proud of,
that's something to be heckaproud of.
Like, like.
I feel like, when somebody hasexperienced what you have,
there's a power that you nowhold and and there's a testament
that you now have as well, tobe able to say been there, done
that, and this is how you know Imay be able to overcome it.
(21:20):
This is how I'm able toliterally triumph over my trauma
and even though you said thatyou can't necessarily pinpoint
anything that happened traumaticin your life that may have
contributed to you, this wholething is traumatic, right Like
it was traumatic for you.
It was traumatic for us.
It was traumatic right Like itwas traumatic for you.
It was traumatic for us.
It was traumatic, you know,overall.
And one of the things like whenI researched traumatic
(21:44):
experiences, one of the thingsthat comes up is having a
relative or being in a closerelationship with somebody who
suffers from a mental healthdisorder.
So even that in itself can betraumatic to the person who's
obviously going through and thento the loved ones around it.
Speaker 2 (21:59):
So, yeah, definitely I can understand that.
I can definitely understand andsee that because I drove.
I didn't drive my family crazy,but I know they were on edge
like what is she going to donext?
What's's going to happen?
But I was walking down thehighway at one point with no
shoes on.
Oh, my goodness, like it wasbad.
Speaker 1 (22:20):
Yeah, wow, wow.
I'm just glad that you cameback, I mean again to look at
you, to know you.
Nobody would have ever thoughtnobody would have ever been like
she, been through that, likethat's just amazing, it's just,
it's just a grace of God.
Well, you're doing so well.
I see you on your social mediais coming back to the things
that you love.
You're always been an awesomedancer, awesome creative person,
(22:43):
very intellectual, very intouch with yourself, and I see
that being restored on yoursocial media pages.
And I know that you are amasseuse as well, so you offer
healing practices for otherpeople, right?
You want to tell us a littlebit about your masseuse practice
?
Yes, I work as a massagetherapist.
Speaker 2 (23:00):
I'm a traveling massage therapist.
I work out of northernMassachusetts and southern New
Hampshire and once a month Itravel down to South Jersey to
see certain clients.
Speaker 1 (23:13):
As a massage therapist, are you incorporating
some of the experiences or someof the takeaways that you
learned from this wholeexperience?
Speaker 2 (23:20):
My job is very peaceful.
I enjoy it because it ispeaceful.
I can sit and heal people andhelp people to relax, help
people to get into a certainstate of mind, like I personally
use massage for meditation Okay, because it's an easy way to
get into a meditative state evenfor yourself when you're
(23:43):
performing the massage.
Yes, okay, I can get into ameditative state that way, in
the person getting the massagemost people zone out.
They don't realize that that'sa meditative state.
So it's helping them to bestill without them realizing
they're being still.
Wow, so I incorporate and Ilive the peace.
(24:03):
I guess you can say in a wayyeah, wow.
Speaker 1 (24:08):
So it's like peace is not only who you've become,
it's like your livelihood aswell, like that's awesome,
that's awesome.
Well, I know you said you havea special treat for some of the
listeners if they're interestedin getting massage therapy.
I'm going to read see if I haveit here.
I'm going to read it to makesure I get this right.
Okay, so if you or someone youknow are interested in booking a
(24:28):
massage with the great Deborah,you can check out the link in
the show notes.
It'll be in the bottom of theshow notes of this episode.
Make sure to use the couponcode triumph to receive $20 off
your next massage.
There will be one link for thosewho are in New Hampshire and
Northern Massachusetts and therewill be another link for those
(24:48):
who are in the South Jersey area.
Well, actually it's not a link.
You can just emailjustrelaxnow11 at gmailcom to
book if you're in the southjersey area.
And again, you can find thisinformation in the um show notes
of today's episodes.
Well, deborah, it's literallybeen my pleasure sitting with
you and sharing your experiences.
(25:08):
Any last words?
Speaker 2 (25:10):
don't have a certain type of spiritual practice that
keeps you grounded and centered,create one, so this way you can
sustain your mental health aswell as your spiritual health,
and that's it.
Speaker 1 (25:26):
Thank you, awesome, awesome.
Thank you again so much.
I appreciate you being here.
All right, guys, that's it fortoday.
I'm going to wrap it up here.
Remember thanks be unto God,who always causes us to triumph.
Speaker 2 (25:37):
Thank you, thank you.
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If you've ever wanted to know about champagne, satanism, the Stonewall Uprising, chaos theory, LSD, El Nino, true crime and Rosa Parks, then look no further. Josh and Chuck have you covered.