April 23, 2024 • 49 mins
Have you ever witnessed the transformational power of hope when all odds seemed stacked against it? Our latest Triumph Over Trauma episode introduces Tracy Swift, a remarkable voice from our TikTok community, whose story embodies resilience and the strength of faith in facing life's darkest moments. As we come together in prayer, Tracy prepares to unwrap her journey through grief and the affirmation that healing is within reach for all of us wrestling with the trauma of our past.
Navigating the aftermath of a traumatic childhood, Tracy's narrative is a piercing look at the scars left by loss, violence, and the struggle for self-worth that often goes unspoken within black and brown communities. We travel through her youth, marked by heartbreak and the constant battle to emerge from the shadows of shame and silence. Yet, it's in these stories of overcoming, shared raw and unfiltered, that we find a roadmap for hope, illustrating the intricate process of piecing back the fragments of a fractured existence.
Our conversation with Tracy culminates in a testament to the unwavering role of faith in her path to reclaim life's joys. From the brink of despair to moments of profound clarity and courage, Tracy's experiences are a beacon guiding us toward understanding and action. As we close this poignant chapter, we extend the warmest invitation for you to join us in this space of support and transformation. May Tracy's story resonate, offering you the comfort of knowing that even in the deepest turmoil, triumph is not just a possibility, but a destination within our grasp.
- What is Trauma? Trauma is a deeply distressing or disturbing experience. An emotional response to a terrible event like an accident, rape, abuse, neglect or natural disaster.
- How to cope with Trauma Talk to a few trusted people, open up about your struggle, seek online support groups, read self-help books or practice small acts of self-care such as meditation, breathwork, yoga and exercise can help you regain some feeling of control.”
- Find a therapist Get Started (betterhelp.com)
Online Psychiatric Medication & Mental Telehealth Services - Rx Anxiety, Depression & Insomnia Treatment | Cerebral - Triumph Over Trauma Scripture: II Corinthians 2:14 Now thanks be unto to God, who always causes us to Triumph in Christ....
- Books I'm reading on my healing journey.
It Didn't Start with You! - How Inherite
2 Corinthians 2:14 Now thanks be unto God, who always causes us to Triumph!
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:01):
Hey y'all, welcome to Triumph Over Trauma, the
podcast.
Listen y'all.
I created this podcast because,like so many other people, I've
had a traumatic past.
I didn't always realize howthose things affected me
negatively and how I evencarried them into my adult life,
and so I wanted to create aspace where other people could
come and we could have candidconversations on how you
(00:22):
identify trauma, how do younavigate it and how you recover
from traumatic experiences.
If this resonates with you,then join me.
I am your host and traumasurvivor, ms Eve McNair.
Let's get into it.
Hey guys, welcome back toTriumph Over Trauma.
Listen, I know it's been aminute, but I'm starting a new
series called your Story.
(00:44):
I actually opened up aninvitation to my social media
followers, specifically myfollowers on TikTok, because
that's where we get the most.
Volume is on TikTok, and thefeedback has been great.
So many people have signed upto share their stories of
triumph, trauma and how God isliterally bringing them through
(01:09):
it.
Our guest for today is TracySwift, one of my TikTok
followers, who joins me.
Every time we do morningdevotion, almost every time we
do evening prayer, she is thereand she volunteered to share her
story, and her shared story isphenomenal, such a testament to
(01:30):
the grace, the mercy, the powerof God and the resilience of one
who is definitely endeavoringto triumph over the trauma that
she has endured.
To triumph over the trauma thatshe has endured.
So listen to her story and letme know if you are also inspired
(01:50):
to share your story of triumphor how you're still looking to
identify, navigate or recoverfrom traumatic experiences.
We'd love to hear from you andhave you as a guest on the show.
We've all been throughsomething and we need community
stories that are real, that areraw, transparent, but are there
as guides to help us as we learnto triumph over our trauma.
(02:12):
Thanks for listening.
Good morning, morning.
How are you?
I am well.
How are you?
I'm doing?
Speaker 2 (02:20):
good.
Speaker 1 (02:20):
I'm going to start with a word of prayer and then
we're going to get right into it.
So, father, we just thank you,we just praise you, we bless you
and give you all the glory, allthe honor and the praise.
God, we thank you for this day.
We thank you that you have keptus, that you have covered us,
that you have watched over usand protected us.
God, through all that we'vebeen, through all that we've
(02:46):
experienced, you saw fit for usto make it and to survive it,
and now we're hoping to thrive,god, and that what you have
delivered us from.
I thank you for miss swift ontoday, for allowing her to be
here.
We know that this moment waspredestined, guy, uh, before we,
we were, we were even born.
We thank you, father, god,because you said in your word
that they overcome by the bloodof the lamb, in the word of
their testimony.
So we thank you right now forthe testimony that's going to
(03:07):
come forth, that's going to giveyour name to glory, that's
going to magnify you andexemplify your grace, your mercy
, your power, your deliverance,your compassion and your love.
In Jesus' holy name, we pray,amen, amen, amen.
We want to specifically centeraround how trauma has affected
you, and so we want to hearabout your story.
(03:28):
I'm going to ask you severalquestions.
I want you to describe a time.
I have two parents who werebrought over you know, came over
(03:49):
from Belize.
Speaker 2 (03:52):
My father worked for Ford as an engineer and it
wasn't enough money.
So what do parents do when it'snot enough money to take care
of the family?
We go sometimes we make baddecisions to go bring extra
money in, and he did.
He made a bad decision and hestarted selling drugs to move us
out of a bad neighborhood.
Um, the gang members in theneighborhood told him you can't
(04:13):
do that in here.
He's here and they murdered him.
Right, yeah, they murdered him.
So the day he was murdered, himand my mother had a fight.
So the day he was murdered, himand my mother had a fight and
she didn't want him to leave.
She got upset, she didn't kisshim goodbye and that was their
last moment.
And she said, because shedidn't want to kiss him, he
(04:35):
picked me up, held me, told mehe loved me, he kissed me and
that's all I ever knew.
Wow, you know, from growing up,all I've had was pictures and
what a great man he was.
He was a provider, you know.
So I was just like, oh Lord,this is how we start now how old
?
were you.
I was nine months.
Speaker 1 (04:57):
Oh, you were a baby, wow, okay.
Speaker 2 (05:00):
Okay.
So then, you know, dealing witha mother who wasn't working she
was a stay-at-home mom, so shehad to go out and figure it out,
you know, with two children.
So let's see, the real traumastarted, I want to say, right
(05:21):
before I turned eight years old,okay, we were living in
California, mm-hmm, and mymother started dating this guy.
His name was Orion, mm-hmm,like the star, yeah, and I
(05:41):
remember when I first met him.
You know how you meet somebodyyou don't know.
Yeah, you hide behind him.
I don't know you.
Right right, I don't like you,something about you, you know.
So it was one of them moments.
Well, she moved in with thisman and when she was away he
(06:05):
found time to come after me andit was always times where there
was nobody to help.
My brother was outside playingwith his friends and who got
stuck inside and nobody knew.
And you know that molestationlasted until I was nine.
(06:27):
Wow, and not because I saidsomething, because he told me.
You know, you tell anybody I'mgonna kill your mother and your
brother.
So of course I'm, you know I'mseven, going on, I ain't told
nobody.
Speaker 1 (06:38):
Whoops, right you know, I, I can't lose my family.
Speaker 2 (06:42):
Exactly, I never said anything.
They had a fight about theirown relationship.
I guess he became abusive to herand she decided to leave, still
never told, never said anything, okay, because for me that was
(07:02):
shame, like oh my God.
And then I didn't know how towrap that around my mind.
It happened to me, right, right.
And then, so you know, timegoes on.
She moved out, we're just,we're living on our own in an
apartment, and I was about 12.
(07:27):
My brother was about 15.
He was in trouble at school, soshe moved us closer to my
grandparents, okay, which was inthe hood, which didn't bother
me, right, I'm going to a newlifestyle.
Didn't bother me, right?
You know we're going to a newlifestyle, right?
And so when we moved down toLos Angeles because we were
(07:51):
living in Hollywood at the time,mm-hmm, there used to be a
phone line called the party line.
Do you remember that?
I remember that.
I remember that, okay, okay, meand my brother used to get on
the party line.
I met people in the party lineand, of course, had no guidance.
(08:16):
Nobody sits there to say we'renot going to do this.
Speaker 1 (08:22):
At this point, you were living with your
grandmother.
Speaker 2 (08:24):
Mm-hmm.
Yes, we moved down to where mygrandmother was, but with my mom
still oh, okay, I see and somom always work, right, I'm
going to work.
And when she got off she didher right.
You know, no, I had three guys,right I don.
Idle hands is a devilplayground.
Speaker 1 (08:46):
Better know it.
Speaker 2 (08:48):
So, you know, met these young boys and girls and
we all hung out.
Well, in the process of hangingout, I was raped at the age of
13.
One boy held my hand while theother did his thing and their
(09:09):
mother was in the house.
Wow, they told their motherthat my mom said it was okay for
me to spend the night and thateverything was okay.
So I left early that morningbecause I was short.
I was like let me hurry up andget up out of here.
So, I got home and went to mygrandmother's and I told her
what happened.
They have a hospital calledChildren's Hospital in Los
(09:33):
Angeles.
She took me there.
You know they did the wholerape kit and they gave me the
after-morning pill.
I had to go to court becauseCPS was sent to the house.
Speaker 1 (09:49):
To your mother's house or to the boy's house?
No, to my house.
Okay.
Speaker 2 (09:56):
They pressed charges.
He didn't do jail time Wow, hegot house arrest because he was
under the age of 18.
So he got house arrest.
I was mandated therapy untilthe age of 18.
So I had to do therapy twice aweek one-on-one and group
(10:19):
therapy.
Okay, I will say this thatextra trauma or the part where I
felt what I went through wasnothing compared to the stories
I was hearing, and I feel thatthey should never do group
therapy with children.
You can do that with an adult,you should do that with an adult
, right, but children no.
(10:40):
Because I was sitting in a roomwhere, you know, we all had our
parents with us.
Okay, there were other childrenand you go around the room and
I'm hearing all these otherpeople's stories and I'm like,
you know, I've heard thesesisters who were raped by their
father.
Wow, you know, three girls.
(11:01):
Even the little toddler in myhead like, oh, my god, right,
you know, yeah, what I wentthrough was nothing.
You had your father then thatthat did a number on my mind and
I don't think people understandthat when you put children in a
setting like that, they feel orwhat I went through was nothing
(11:23):
, I shouldn't you know yeah, itmade you feel like you had to
minimize your trauma.
Yes, oh I definitely minimizedmy trauma, what I went through,
and then it made my motherminimize it too.
Okay, that happened.
Go, come on, we're gonna flipthat on this brother, let's go.
We got things.
So I didn't get the.
Let me nurture on you, let melove on you and let you
(11:43):
understand.
I didn't get the let me nurtureon you, let me love on you and
let you understand.
I didn't get that from her.
I got it all from mygrandmother.
Speaker 1 (11:50):
So let me ask you this At this point first of all,
I want to offer my sincerestapologies and sympathies toward
what you experienced.
I some of what you said I cancertainly actually a lot of what
you said I can relate to andhave had similar experiences.
I remember feeling like Icouldn't tell anybody.
(12:15):
I received threats as well, notthat they were gonna, that
perpetrators were gonna harm orkill anyone else other than me,
but I received those types ofthreats as well to kind of
silence you.
But I think, even just hearingsome of what you said already, I
feel like there was compoundedtrauma, like you said, with to
(12:36):
confide in.
At the point where you are thenassaulted by these boys, do you
(13:01):
tell your mother what happenedto you when you were a child?
I did.
Speaker 2 (13:06):
After the assault I did, and it was.
Why didn't you tell me?
Well, because he told me hewould kill us, right, you know.
And then um told the police,okay, looking for him, they
couldn't find him at all.
Um, you know, life starts tookay, we're trying to get back
(13:27):
on track, we're going to right,going to school.
You know, I think there wasstill no compassion in my home,
though, okay, what I wentthrough, it looks.
Come on, let's go get past it.
Let's get through it.
It's another day.
Speaker 1 (13:43):
Yeah, speak about this yeah, and I think that I
think that um and I too canrelate to that as well.
I think that for some reason,especially in black and brown
communities, where we weren'treally given the space or the
opportunity to kind of deal withthings as they happened or to
(14:06):
confront them, I think as acoping strategy, we just
automatically take on this well,I got to get over this, I got
to keep going, I got to do this.
We just automatically take onthis well, I gotta kill, gotta
keep going right.
And, like you said, it breedsthis lack of compassion, because
I remember telling mycaregivers and people who were
responsible for me that therewere things that had happening
and it was just like it was.
(14:26):
Either I was penalized forsomehow or it was like okay,
well, you know, do you just staywith them?
They stay with you and and andit's like when you're well, you
know, you just stay away fromthem, they stay away from you
and you just keep moving.
Speaker 2 (14:35):
And it's like when you're a child, you're looking
at them like no, you're supposedto protect me.
Speaker 1 (14:42):
Right, and I think in that I think, if I can trace my
thought back and my emotionsback to those times, I think
that is where I learned tosuppress my emotions, to hide my
truth.
That's where I learned that Iwas not safe with anyone.
That's what I learned that Icouldn't trust those who said
(15:03):
they loved me.
You know what I mean?
Oh yeah, and it didn't matterwhat I experienced or how badly
I had been hurt by someone.
I had to keep it to myself.
Speaker 2 (15:11):
Oh yeah, absolutely, Because it felt like your
feelings weren't being validated.
it's like no matter if I came toyou to be vulnerable and for
help or to seek help or guidance.
It was like it's like, okay,I'll just keep it all on the
inside.
And then was just so explosiveIf you said the wrong what's up
(15:46):
right here, right, you know?
And I had to sit back likema'am, why are you so angry?
Why are you so like it could bethe smallest thing and you're
just afraid to cut somebody, cutyou out of my life, everything?
And I really had to look like Ihad to do a whole lot of social
.
I'm like I am so angry.
(16:07):
And then, when I got down tothe root, I was angry at my
mother.
That's where all the anger camefrom.
Okay, well, that was angry atmy mother.
That's where all the anger camefrom, okay.
Speaker 1 (16:15):
Well, that leads me to my next question, because I
was going to ask you how do youfeel like and I get the gist
that those two stories that youshared with me three were just
the tip of the iceberg as far asthe journey.
Speaker 2 (16:31):
It was very tipped.
Speaker 1 (16:33):
But even though it seems like I'm pretty sure you
have so much more to share inthat regard they they have been
very early in life and whenyou're still developing, when
you're still growing, whenyou're still trying to come into
your own personhood and findout who you are and feel your
way in life.
So how did they affect youmentally, emotionally and in any
(16:54):
capacity?
How were you affected?
I?
Speaker 2 (16:56):
didn't want to be seen.
I didn't everything not to beseen.
I dressed like a boy.
I didn't want you to see how Ilook.
I didn't.
I tried not to smell pretty.
I did everything underneath theSun so nobody would notice me.
Because I thought if you didn'tnotice me you would try to hurt
me.
Speaker 1 (17:15):
Wow.
Speaker 2 (17:17):
That's deep, so I did everything.
I didn't learn to be a girl, agirly girl, until prom came
around, because I wanted to be adresser.
I didn't know how to walk inheels, so I had to train myself.
Okay, girl, let's put on adress, you know.
All the way up until then.
I mean, mean, I look like a boy, I walk like a boy, I talked
like a boy, I had my hairbraided all the time so nobody
(17:39):
knew what I was like growing up.
Are you a stud?
And at the time I was likewhat's that?
What's the stud?
No right, what's the stud?
You know?
And I didn't know.
I kept to myself.
I was a complete loner.
I would go in the library, Iwould be somewhere where nobody
could find me, leave me alone,and it would be moments where,
of course, I'd see it in BibleBoys, because the boys would try
(18:03):
to grab me and I would fightyou Like no, no, no, we're going
to fight.
I don't care if you beat me up,we're going to fight.
So that all happened at the ageof 16.
My mother and I had it out.
You know, you feel you grown,grown folks had their own place
and their own space, stay lessand I moved out.
(18:25):
That was it From 16 all the wayto 35.
We had no relationship.
Wow.
Speaker 1 (18:36):
Let's park right there for a second, because you
said something that I feel likeI might forget.
One of the most powerful thingsis that used to me, that spoke
up to me was that you said,after those incidents where you
were violated, where you wereabused, misused, and where all
those things happen to you andyou look to people for help, and
specifically your mother, andcouldn't find that.
(18:58):
I heard you say that one of theways that you dealt with or
tried to protect yourself was tobe unseen.
Right, you said you dressdifferently, you behave
differently and that was yourway of protecting yourself.
And I think about all the waysthat children, adolescents, grow
up and we see them in thesedifferent things that we call a
(19:21):
phase.
We realize that sometimes thisis their means of protecting
themselves.
Right, if we look at these kidsand what's wrong with them, why
they act like that, you neverknow what a child could be going
through, what they could behiding or what they could be
trying to protect themselvesfrom um.
I remember I have a twin brotherand I remember, after my
(19:41):
experience with um sexual abuseI wanted to dress like my
brother.
I wore the baggy jeans, I woremy hair back in one ponytail no,
no earrings, no makeup, none ofit.
And I wanted to look as lessattractive as possible.
I wanted to be ugly right andin that way nobody else would
(20:02):
find me attractive or appealingand maybe I would be safe enough
to be myself.
But I think the trick in thatis that sometimes you get lost.
Speaker 2 (20:13):
Oh, I know for sure I can say I was lost more than
half of my life.
I took all of my 30s to rewiremy mind, to work through my hurt
, my pain, my anger, to not bemad at myself for taking so long
(20:38):
to get back to me.
I think that was still is kindof like a little hurtful that I
hid myself for so long, that ittook me this long to come back
and find myself and learn how tocreate boundaries, and that's
(21:00):
one of the most hardest thingsever.
Speaker 1 (21:02):
It is.
Speaker 2 (21:04):
To create boundaries, to tell people no and to really
express how you feel tosomebody without the feeling of
I'm going to be hurt or you'regoing to be mad or you're not
going to talk to me again.
It used to be a people pleasure.
Because what I've been through,I didn't want you to leave me.
(21:27):
I had a bad decision.
What is it can I do to help you, even if it costs me more pain
or put me in a hole?
I didn't want you to leave meand to get out of that mindset
of if you leave you leave.
Right Is what it is Right.
(21:48):
It has nothing to do with whatI can do for you or what I can't
.
You didn't want to be here,right.
But when you're so trapped inyour mind of I'm not good enough
, I don't look good enough, mybody ain't right, I don't feel
this.
I'm not.
You know all these things.
Speaker 1 (22:07):
Right.
Speaker 2 (22:08):
Then you feel like your moral compass is kind of
jacked up because of what you'vebeen through.
Speaker 1 (22:13):
Right.
Speaker 2 (22:14):
And then you have to rewire yourself and say what
I've been through is not myfault.
I cannot blame myself foranother human being's actions.
That's true.
That's true.
Nor am I going to blame myselffor having it happen to me,
Because, as victims, we do.
I don't know if it's normal, Idon't know if it's chemical to
something bad happened to hisman.
It's my fault If I didn't dothis.
(22:36):
It's my fault If I didn't wearthis.
If I didn't, you know, have myhair this way or smell a certain
way, it wouldn't happen.
And that is so much.
Speaker 1 (22:46):
I think it's natural to blame yourself.
We know this.
I think, internally, we knowthat someone is to blame.
But I think, internally, weknow that someone is to blame.
But I think when we have beenabused in that way, our right
has been taken away, and so wedon't know how to place blame on
who really is at fault, and sowe blame ourselves.
Speaker 2 (23:05):
We feel like there's something that I should have
could have done, you knowdifferently and the shoulda,
woulda, coulda will tear youdown and tear you apart, because
all you're doing is sendingyour own mind and reliving
everything over and, over andover again and having the pain
(23:25):
continue to being brought to thesurface, versus you dealing
with it and saying, hey, let'sget to the root of all the
problems, let's work on it.
Speaker 1 (23:34):
I want to speak to something else you said Before I
get back to you the length oftime that it took for you and
your mother to kind of hashthings out.
I heard you say that it tookyou a long time for you to come
back to yourself.
So my question is how did youknow that you were away from
yourself, right?
And what did it feel like foryou to be back?
Speaker 2 (23:56):
I realized I lost myself because I was living a
very destructive life Okay, verydestructive To the point.
A lot could have went differentways.
I was hanging around a roundcrowd you know out in the
streets, you know hanging aroundwith the drug dealers, the
pimps, the hoes, the hustlerseverybody you know being the
drug dealers, the pimps, thehoes, the hustlers, everybody
you know being taught how tosurvive.
Right, because I was out on thestreet on my own at 16.
(24:19):
So I was being taught how tosurvive and what not to do and
just everything.
And I got to a point I gotpregnant at 25.
Mind you, let me rewind.
Speaker 1 (24:31):
So from 16 to 25, you were on your own.
Yep, okay, and who did you livewith?
Like friends?
Speaker 2 (24:39):
When I left at 16, I moved in-Sinai.
Then they told me they scrapedmy uterus so bad because they
(25:06):
wanted to get all the cancerouscysts out and everything that my
uterus is tilted now becausethey were scraping so hard that
it tilted.
They told me that it's apossibility I could never have
kids.
They told me it was apossibility.
If I could, I would have to doin vitro.
And so 25, actually on my 25thbirthday she was conceived.
(25:32):
Oh, wow, uh-huh, 25th birthday.
She was conceived.
And I was just like, oh, mygoodness.
And I realized, what are yougoing to do?
I was like, well, I was told Icouldn't have a child.
I'm going to keep this baby.
The father of my child wasn'tready.
He wanted me to have anabortion and I told myself, look
, I'm not forcing anybody to bea parent, you don't have to be
(25:52):
in this child's life, butwhenever you are ready she will
be here waiting for you.
I will never speak ill of you,because that is not my place,
never did.
After that it was just.
You know, life slowed down forme mentally.
You have a child now, you beingin the streets, you hanging out
(26:12):
with these people doing thesethings.
I mean when I was in the street, you hanging out with these
people doing these things, youknow, because I mean, when I was
in the streets, I was sellingdrugs, because that's not what I
knew how to survive.
Okay, I had a job in sellingdrugs in order to facilitate a
week.
Speaker 1 (26:27):
We heard that earlier in this story, in your story.
Remember when you talked aboutyour father?
Yeah, exactly.
Speaker 2 (26:34):
Regurgitating the same, and I got out of it
because it could have gotten mekilled.
I got out of that lifestyle.
I stopped hanging out withthose kind of people and it was
hard.
It was hard to let go of.
What taught me how to surviveBefore I had my.
Let me rewind.
Before I had my.
Let me rewind.
Before I had my daughter,though right before I had, I was
(26:59):
told about ovarian cancer.
I was raped by this gentlemanand I know him because and I
felt like I blamed myself, youknow because one I was an adult
and I should have known betterto remove myself from the
situation when it becamecomfortable.
But I didn't.
I froze like a kid and I beatmyself up over it.
(27:24):
Like you're grown, you canlaugh, you know any of these
things.
But in that moment I was areindeer with a headlight on, a
rose in my eye, and that carriedever.
Since that situation, I stoppedputting my like.
I didn't want to go nowhere.
(27:44):
I didn't want to hang out withnobody, I didn't talk to people,
and so I beat myself up overthat situation for a very long
time Because I was like you knewbetter, you didn't have to put
yourself in a situation you know.
And then I still have to sayyou are still a person who was
dealing with trauma, who neverreally faced your trauma at all
(28:06):
or able to fix it.
Speaker 1 (28:08):
Well, I want to say that none of these incidents was
ever your fault, that none ofthese and and none of these
incidents was it ever your fault.
I mean, you know, like you said, we we tried to place blame on
ourselves because we're tryingto see if what happened could
have been reversed by somethingyou did or didn't do.
But the reality of it is isthat we live in a broken world,
(28:28):
right, we live in a broken worldwith, with, where evil exists.
And when I look back about myown life and I see incidents and
, and I would think to myself,how come this always keeps
happening to me?
Right, and when I, when I, whenI got saved and started to pray
and started to know the lord,and I would hear people say,
well, different, different, uh,same spirit, but different
(28:51):
faiths.
And I'm like, well, what is thespirit behind these, these
traumatic experiences that I?
Well, what is the spirit behindthese traumatic experiences
that I'm having?
What is this spirit?
And I realized it was a spiritof abuse, it was a spirit of
trauma, and one of the thingsI've realized is that you fight
spirit with spirit.
Right, the Bible says that ourweapons are not carnal, they're
not like worldly weapons, butthey are mighty to the pulling
(29:13):
down of strongholds.
Strongholds are those demonicfortified places in the spirit
that we must fight through thespirit of God.
And it's literally been thatfight in prayer and in the word
of God and seeking God forhealing, for restoration, for
strength, that has literallyhelped me to learn how to
(29:34):
triumph over the trauma.
Obviously, it's a process andI'm still in this fight, but you
begin to understand that wait aminute this thing is bigger
than me, right?
And not only is it bigger thanme, but a lot of the things that
has happened in my life hashappened in people's lives
before me, and that it did notstart with me, but it can end
(29:55):
with me if I take it to the onethat can help me to fight in.
For me, that has been God, thathas been Jesus Christ.
So you spoke to, you said,around the age of 35, that's
when you spoke to your mom yes,and it's more so because I don't
know how long she has with this.
Speaker 2 (30:16):
She has heart failure and it started to get really
bad recently and everything inme was like you got to fix this,
Okay.
And it wasn't for her, it wasfor me.
I no longer wanted to carrythis anger, this pain, the hurt.
(30:37):
I didn't want to feel that Iwould hear her voice.
I tell you it would make meangry and I was like I shouldn't
feel that way.
I don't like to be angry.
I don't say the word hate.
I don't believe in saying anyof those things.
(30:57):
I don't.
I don't even operate on that.
So for me to still have thisanger, it was just like come on,
girl, we're going to work thisout, Okay.
And you know, I had called mytherapist up like I don't know
what to do, because Lord, takethe wheel Right.
And my therapist was like well,why don't you tell her
(31:18):
everything?
I was like she got heart issues, Right, I don't want her to
have a heart attack on me, Right?
I didn't do no, no, no, no, no,no, I don't need to, no.
So she was just like write outeverything.
She was like everything youcould possibly and don't get me
wrong.
I got journals, yeah, same, ohmy God, I got journals, If
(31:41):
somebody ever wants to code on.
Speaker 1 (31:42):
I'm going to page Right.
Speaker 2 (31:45):
You know and so like, by the time I got done writing
it was like 10 pages and I readit to my therapist she was like,
now that you have written itout, you have read it out, how
do you feel?
I said I have compassion,understanding, because I had to
(32:07):
take my mind frame.
Look, how were you raised?
What was your childhood like?
How did you interpret yourchildhood?
As I digested that, I startedto realize I see why you had no
compassion.
I see why you didn't know howto nurture me Because we're from
(32:29):
Belize.
So when my grandmother cameover, she came over with my
grandfather so they could makemoney to send back home, to
bring them home.
So my great grandmother wasraising her and from my mother's
point of view, she told me thatshe always felt like she was
getting beat by my greatgrandmother.
Everything she said.
(32:50):
My great grandmother would benervous.
You know, I kind of understoodand I was just like, instead of
her communicating with you andtalking to you verbally, she
beat you.
Yeah.
So I had to go down that wholepath of her childhood.
How she felt.
I realized my mother is arunner.
She doesn't face any of herproblems.
(33:12):
She's taught us that she'llpick up a run.
I had to rewire myself.
No, no, no, no.
For me personally.
A lot of people tell me you'reaggressive.
No, I'm not aggressive, but I'mnot going to run away from
anything that's in my face and Ican fix it.
And so you know having to learnwho she is, how she's been
(33:38):
moving in her life.
God gave me grace to give toher and compassion to let go of
that anger and hurt of whyweren't you there, lady, why you
didn't do this lady.
You can't expect somebody togive you something they never
had that's true.
Speaker 1 (33:56):
So when would you say that you came to this moment,
when I heard you speak about godand his grace and it's evident
that his grace and mercy has,you know, been in your life and
have kept you and, you know, hasgotten you where you are today
in this healing journey.
I hardly speak about therapy,which I consider one of the
greatest toolkits you can havein your toolkit.
(34:17):
I always say that Jesus andtherapy saved my life.
Right, but when would you sayyou came to the point where?
Because I find that there areChristians, believers all over
the world who have gone throughcertain things and they separate
their trauma from God.
Like when I first came to God,I was just like, okay, I'm going
to be safe, I'm going to do allthe things, I'm going to be a
good Christian.
But I never introduced mytrauma to him, I never told him
(34:41):
where I was hurting.
Speaker 2 (34:51):
Would you say?
Did you ever had a moment whereyou talked to him about that,
or was it like it was a moment?
Oh no, it was several momentswhere I was angry with god and I
came to god angry.
Okay, why are you allowing thisto happen to me?
Why is this happening?
What did I do?
I, I haven't done anythingwrong, I haven't sinned, I
haven't this.
Why am I being punished?
Oh, absolutely, and a lot ofpeople like you should tell me I
can't believe you talk to Godlike that.
I can't believe you come to God, tell me God you angry.
(35:11):
Who else am I supposed to tellit to?
Right, and that's in my mind,right?
God tells you to come to me asyou are.
So if I'm angry and I'm hurt,I'm going to come to you with
this and I want questions and Iwant answers.
And sometimes you don't get theanswers.
And then sometimes you got tounderstand nobody's exempt from
(35:32):
going through anything.
It is how you handle it and howyou move forward in life with
it.
And so God, god's always beenwith me.
Ooh, baby, when I tell you, godhas kept me, kept Even when I
felt like he didn't keep me kept.
I was kept, even when I wasgoing through my trauma and I
was angry at God and I startedto lose my faith Because it felt
(35:57):
like everything was just backto back to back to back.
It felt like I'm in a hole andevery time I look up it's just
getting higher and higher andhigher and there's nowhere for
me to dig out of.
And I got to the point where Ijust told God I'm tired, I'm
tired of fighting, okay, I'mtired of feeling pain, I'm tired
(36:19):
of hurting, I'm exhaustedmentally and I need your help,
okay.
So you know, it was that pointwhere I was just like God, I
knew it, whatever I'm doing,obviously it ain't right.
Speaker 1 (36:31):
How old were you at that point when you had this
come to I don't want to say cometo Jesus moment?
It sounds like you already knewhim.
But how?
When you got to the end of yourrope?
Speaker 2 (36:40):
32.
32, I couldn't take it at 32.
It felt like you know how yousee in the movies like Indiana.
Jones with the walls and clothesand all of them, and he was
trying to get out of this smalllittle bitty space.
That's how I felt Like I was inthat little bitty space and
there was no air, no, nothing,and everything was just crawling
(37:01):
in on me and I got to the pointwhere I felt like I didn't want
to live, I didn't want to behere anymore, I felt like life
wasn't worth fighting for.
And then in those moments whenI was thinking those thoughts,
(37:24):
god always populated mydaughter's space in my mind.
Speaker 1 (37:28):
You got something to live for.
Speaker 2 (37:31):
Absolutely Every single time.
Every single time, it was likeoh, baby girl, I know you want
to check out.
I promise you, I've tried tocheck out, I've tried.
I've tried to commit suicidebefore.
I think I was 27 or 28.
(37:53):
I took a whole bunch of pills.
I had a long sleep, that's allit was.
Wow, yep, it was a long sleepand I was like, oh okay, god,
well, you ain't trying to, letme go, you're right, let me go
on about my business you knowWell, I commend you.
Speaker 1 (38:16):
I commend you for, first of all, being able to come
to terms with what you've beenthrough, what you have
experienced, being able torecall those experiences that's
not an easy thing to do To traceback our trauma, to trace back
the source of our pain and theroot of our issues.
You talked a lot about the waysin which you responded to the
(38:39):
trauma, but sometimes we forgetwhy I'm acting like this.
Where did it come from?
This has a root right, and at avery early age you were exposed
to so many different, what theycall ACEs adverse childhood
experiences, and so I can onlyapplaud you for that.
(39:02):
What you have been able to evenconfront and to deal with I
mean God's grace and mercy hasliterally, literally, kept you.
You're becoming everything thatthe enemy said you wouldn't be
because of the trauma that heinflicted in your life, and your
life is a testament to yourdaughter.
Right To say with God, allthings are possible.
(39:25):
Like you said, the bad thingshappen.
You know there are things thathappen in life.
You know some people don'tbounce back from.
Some people, you know, end upliving through it through their
whole life, their life.
You spoke about your daughter'sfather and how he may still be,
in some capacity, victim to thetraumatic experiences.
But god, right.
(39:46):
But god, but the grace, but themercy of god, the, the, the
power of god that has showed upin your life and have allowed it
, can literally carry you.
Not only are you surviving, butyou're learning how to thrive.
I heard you speak about therapy.
Right, we survived the day thatyou woke up after the very
first traumatic event.
You survived, but now we'relearning how to thrive, and that
(40:09):
speaks to the power of God, thetestament of God.
I'm so very, very proud, veryproud, to hear you speak in a
way that you are, and to betransparent and to be open.
When I see those tears and whenI hear you, you know, allow
those things to come up.
I know that God is at work.
I know that God is at work andI'm so grateful and thankful for
(40:32):
you being able to be, you know,open and honest.
Your story is going to helpsomebody.
Speaker 2 (40:36):
I want to help somebody, because I know there's
somebody out there, if notseveral young women, women,
young men who have experiencedso much horrible trauma in their
(40:57):
life that they feel that thereis no one that they could turn
to, that would listen,understand and be compassionate.
And it's hard to be vulnerablewhen you felt like the world has
tried to dim your light andcrush you.
It's hard.
It's hard to open up and trustsomebody with your most intimate
secrets without people using itagainst you.
Like really, so that happens toa lot of people.
You tell a family member, youtell a friend the trauma you
went through.
Oh, I don't believe you wentthrough that.
(41:19):
I can't believe that happenedto you.
I personally wouldn't do thatto you.
And it's just like right now.
I don't know if a lot of peopleknow the suicide rate is high
in teenagers.
The suicide rate is the highestit's ever been in children,
babies.
Not one baby should be sittingthere thinking about killing
themselves that's right Due totrauma or being bullied, and we
(41:46):
as people in society don't evenstep in and stop it.
Like babies are killingthemselves and this is all due
to nobody's listening.
Speaker 1 (41:57):
And this is why platforms like this are very
important.
It's important for us to useour voices to speak against
these types of injustices, tospeak against the things that we
have been silenced and to keepit in secret, um, so that people
feel like they have a right toto tell how they feel and to be
heard, and for something to bedone about it.
Um, and there's a scripture inthe bible that talks about this
(42:19):
god visiting the sins of theforefathers, and I feel like
what we don't address in ourgeneration ultimately is just
passed down to the nextgeneration and to the point
where it's even that moreintensified, that they can't
handle it, that they are, likeyou said, unaliving themselves,
that they are doing things toharm themselves or finding
themselves in addiction orrelationships, and that's why we
(42:42):
have to do this work, that'swhy we have to tell our stories,
we have to be open, we have tobe transparent and tell people
that, first of all, it wasn'tyour fault and it's okay for you
to confront it, to confess it,to deal with it and know that
healing is possible.
Healing is possible, right,right, uh, what happened to you
(43:07):
at any point in your life,whether it's the early days, the
middle part of your life.
It doesn't have to be for therest of your life, right?
And so I'm, I'm, I'm going tocontinue to do this work with,
with voices like yours, and Iwant to have you back on the
show as well to talk about it inin depth, because you know we
only have an hour but, but stillthere's so much that can be
covered, so much that we can gointo um in, even generationally,
(43:30):
like, like, how our traumasaffect our children, right,
different things.
And so mother's day is comingup, and I think I want to have
you come back, you know, andjust share, talk about that as
well.
But listen, uh, the lastquestion I had you already asked
pretty much answered.
I was going to say how do youfeel like your faith has played
a part in your healing recovery?
Speaker 2 (43:51):
god has given me so much grace and favor, and so
much grace and favor that godhas showed me even when I felt
alone, abandoned, abandoned,isolated.
(44:11):
God has always given me light.
And when I say by light, nomatter what I've been through,
I've never let it turn my heartcold.
I've never let it be meanhurtful to anybody else.
Anytime I look at somebody likeI got a young lady right now
(44:34):
she's 24.
Unstable home, she feelsisolated.
She's doing destructive thingsand I'm like, I'm telling her
like look, I've been down thisroad, baby, you're not alone,
you are surrounded by love, andthat's the light I'm talking
(44:58):
about.
That's the light God gives us.
Turn your pain around, turnyour hurt around, turn your
trauma around.
Turn your hurt around, turnyour trauma around, right
everything you've been through.
Go love on somebody who isgoing through it right now and
help them through that process.
That's true, like god's lightis love and love is light.
(45:20):
So if you are dispersing both,I'm channeling my love and my
light inward and outward.
I don't care what the devilthrows at me, because the devil
been throwing stuff at me allweek.
What keeps me here with God isI know.
I know that I'm kept.
I know that I have favor.
(45:41):
I know that I'm covered.
I know God is protecting me.
That is my favor, because hedone protected me through a lot.
I done been shot.
I've been through domesticviolence.
Speaker 1 (45:51):
I want to tell you Half the story hasn't even been
told.
We're going to have to do apart two because apparently half
the story hasn't even been told.
Speaker 2 (46:01):
We need to spread the service.
Yes, so when I tell you God,man, I mean, look, let me tell
you something.
For people who are out thereupset with God, it's okay.
It's okay to be upset, let itout.
Tell God why you upset.
Lord, I'm upset because this ishappening and I expect you to
be here and think about it.
(46:23):
Tell God.
Tell God exactly how you feel,how you felt upset, how you hurt
everything, because Godunderstands, he already knows
before you tell Him.
He just wants you to come andtell Him so he can be there to
help you.
Hey, baby, now put your handsin mine and let me walk on with
you through your journey in thelight.
Speaker 1 (46:41):
Amen.
That was amazing, that wasbeautifully said and that is the
invitation that God extends toall of us, no matter where we've
come from, no matter what we'vegone through.
He extends that invitation Putyour hand in mine, let me lead
you, let me guide you, let mehelp you triumph over this
trauma.
Wow, so beautifully said, sucha wonderful guest that you have
(47:01):
been today.
I'm so again, so grateful andthankful for your story, for
your energy, for all that youbrought today and just your
transparency, so appreciate it.
Speaker 2 (47:12):
I just want to say thank you for giving me the
platform to tell my story, and Ipray that it helps whatever
individual out there that needsit.
Amen.
Speaker 1 (47:24):
All right, tracy, good to see you and talk to you
soon.
You too, miss Eve, you have agood one, you too.
Thank you, bye-bye, bye-bye.
Wow, guys, I don't know aboutyou, but Tracy's story
definitely resonated with me onso many different levels.
I'm so appreciative to her forher transparency, for her
(47:44):
openness.
We laughed, we cried, we prayed.
We give God glory for theresiliency of his power, of his
grace, of his mercy, of hisability to heal and to transform
lives.
Regardless of what we've beenthrough, god is able Listen.
(48:07):
I'd like to take this moment toacknowledge the fact that some
of which we spoke about todaymay be triggering to some,
especially those who've hadsimilar experiences.
For that reason, I invite youto take advantage of the
information that is listed inthese episodes show notes.
There are links to mentalhealth therapists.
(48:27):
There are books, literature andother resources that will help
us identify, navigate andrecover from traumatic
experiences.
Lastly, perhaps you'd like tobe a guest on the show.
Maybe you have a question toask or a story to tell, or maybe
you would just like prayer forwhat you're navigating in this
season of your life.
Feel free to connect with me onany of my socials.
(48:49):
I am Miss Eve on TikTok,instagram and Facebook Listen, I
look forward to hearing fromyou, but until then, remember
now thanks be unto God, whoalways causes us to triumph.
That is our podcast'sfoundational scripture, and one
that I hold dear to my heart.
(49:09):
I'll talk to you soon, godbless, thank you.
Hey y'all, welcome to Triumph Over Trauma, the
podcast.
Listen y'all.
I created this podcast because,like so many other people, I've
had a traumatic past.
I didn't always realize howthose things affected me
negatively and how I evencarried them into my adult life,
and so I wanted to create aspace where other people could
come and we could have candidconversations on how you
(00:22):
identify trauma, how do younavigate it and how you recover
from traumatic experiences.
If this resonates with you,then join me.
I am your host and traumasurvivor, ms Eve McNair.
Let's get into it.
Hey guys, welcome back toTriumph Over Trauma.
Listen, I know it's been aminute, but I'm starting a new
series called your Story.
(00:44):
I actually opened up aninvitation to my social media
followers, specifically myfollowers on TikTok, because
that's where we get the most.
Volume is on TikTok, and thefeedback has been great.
So many people have signed upto share their stories of
triumph, trauma and how God isliterally bringing them through
(01:09):
it.
Our guest for today is TracySwift, one of my TikTok
followers, who joins me.
Every time we do morningdevotion, almost every time we
do evening prayer, she is thereand she volunteered to share her
story, and her shared story isphenomenal, such a testament to
(01:30):
the grace, the mercy, the powerof God and the resilience of one
who is definitely endeavoringto triumph over the trauma that
she has endured.
To triumph over the trauma thatshe has endured.
So listen to her story and letme know if you are also inspired
(01:50):
to share your story of triumphor how you're still looking to
identify, navigate or recoverfrom traumatic experiences.
We'd love to hear from you andhave you as a guest on the show.
We've all been throughsomething and we need community
stories that are real, that areraw, transparent, but are there
as guides to help us as we learnto triumph over our trauma.
(02:12):
Thanks for listening.
Good morning, morning.
How are you?
I am well.
How are you?
I'm doing?
Speaker 2 (02:20):
good.
Speaker 1 (02:20):
I'm going to start with a word of prayer and then
we're going to get right into it.
So, father, we just thank you,we just praise you, we bless you
and give you all the glory, allthe honor and the praise.
God, we thank you for this day.
We thank you that you have keptus, that you have covered us,
that you have watched over usand protected us.
God, through all that we'vebeen, through all that we've
(02:46):
experienced, you saw fit for usto make it and to survive it,
and now we're hoping to thrive,god, and that what you have
delivered us from.
I thank you for miss swift ontoday, for allowing her to be
here.
We know that this moment waspredestined, guy, uh, before we,
we were, we were even born.
We thank you, father, god,because you said in your word
that they overcome by the bloodof the lamb, in the word of
their testimony.
So we thank you right now forthe testimony that's going to
(03:07):
come forth, that's going to giveyour name to glory, that's
going to magnify you andexemplify your grace, your mercy
, your power, your deliverance,your compassion and your love.
In Jesus' holy name, we pray,amen, amen, amen.
We want to specifically centeraround how trauma has affected
you, and so we want to hearabout your story.
(03:28):
I'm going to ask you severalquestions.
I want you to describe a time.
I have two parents who werebrought over you know, came over
(03:49):
from Belize.
Speaker 2 (03:52):
My father worked for Ford as an engineer and it
wasn't enough money.
So what do parents do when it'snot enough money to take care
of the family?
We go sometimes we make baddecisions to go bring extra
money in, and he did.
He made a bad decision and hestarted selling drugs to move us
out of a bad neighborhood.
Um, the gang members in theneighborhood told him you can't
(04:13):
do that in here.
He's here and they murdered him.
Right, yeah, they murdered him.
So the day he was murdered, himand my mother had a fight.
So the day he was murdered, himand my mother had a fight and
she didn't want him to leave.
She got upset, she didn't kisshim goodbye and that was their
last moment.
And she said, because shedidn't want to kiss him, he
(04:35):
picked me up, held me, told mehe loved me, he kissed me and
that's all I ever knew.
Wow, you know, from growing up,all I've had was pictures and
what a great man he was.
He was a provider, you know.
So I was just like, oh Lord,this is how we start now how old
?
were you.
I was nine months.
Speaker 1 (04:57):
Oh, you were a baby, wow, okay.
Speaker 2 (05:00):
Okay.
So then, you know, dealing witha mother who wasn't working she
was a stay-at-home mom, so shehad to go out and figure it out,
you know, with two children.
So let's see, the real traumastarted, I want to say, right
(05:21):
before I turned eight years old,okay, we were living in
California, mm-hmm, and mymother started dating this guy.
His name was Orion, mm-hmm,like the star, yeah, and I
(05:41):
remember when I first met him.
You know how you meet somebodyyou don't know.
Yeah, you hide behind him.
I don't know you.
Right right, I don't like you,something about you, you know.
So it was one of them moments.
Well, she moved in with thisman and when she was away he
(06:05):
found time to come after me andit was always times where there
was nobody to help.
My brother was outside playingwith his friends and who got
stuck inside and nobody knew.
And you know that molestationlasted until I was nine.
(06:27):
Wow, and not because I saidsomething, because he told me.
You know, you tell anybody I'mgonna kill your mother and your
brother.
So of course I'm, you know I'mseven, going on, I ain't told
nobody.
Speaker 1 (06:38):
Whoops, right you know, I, I can't lose my family.
Speaker 2 (06:42):
Exactly, I never said anything.
They had a fight about theirown relationship.
I guess he became abusive to herand she decided to leave, still
never told, never said anything, okay, because for me that was
(07:02):
shame, like oh my God.
And then I didn't know how towrap that around my mind.
It happened to me, right, right.
And then, so you know, timegoes on.
She moved out, we're just,we're living on our own in an
apartment, and I was about 12.
(07:27):
My brother was about 15.
He was in trouble at school, soshe moved us closer to my
grandparents, okay, which was inthe hood, which didn't bother
me, right, I'm going to a newlifestyle.
Didn't bother me, right?
You know we're going to a newlifestyle, right?
And so when we moved down toLos Angeles because we were
(07:51):
living in Hollywood at the time,mm-hmm, there used to be a
phone line called the party line.
Do you remember that?
I remember that.
I remember that, okay, okay, meand my brother used to get on
the party line.
I met people in the party lineand, of course, had no guidance.
(08:16):
Nobody sits there to say we'renot going to do this.
Speaker 1 (08:22):
At this point, you were living with your
grandmother.
Speaker 2 (08:24):
Mm-hmm.
Yes, we moved down to where mygrandmother was, but with my mom
still oh, okay, I see and somom always work, right, I'm
going to work.
And when she got off she didher right.
You know, no, I had three guys,right I don.
Idle hands is a devilplayground.
Speaker 1 (08:46):
Better know it.
Speaker 2 (08:48):
So, you know, met these young boys and girls and
we all hung out.
Well, in the process of hangingout, I was raped at the age of
13.
One boy held my hand while theother did his thing and their
(09:09):
mother was in the house.
Wow, they told their motherthat my mom said it was okay for
me to spend the night and thateverything was okay.
So I left early that morningbecause I was short.
I was like let me hurry up andget up out of here.
So, I got home and went to mygrandmother's and I told her
what happened.
They have a hospital calledChildren's Hospital in Los
(09:33):
Angeles.
She took me there.
You know they did the wholerape kit and they gave me the
after-morning pill.
I had to go to court becauseCPS was sent to the house.
Speaker 1 (09:49):
To your mother's house or to the boy's house?
No, to my house.
Okay.
Speaker 2 (09:56):
They pressed charges.
He didn't do jail time Wow, hegot house arrest because he was
under the age of 18.
So he got house arrest.
I was mandated therapy untilthe age of 18.
So I had to do therapy twice aweek one-on-one and group
(10:19):
therapy.
Okay, I will say this thatextra trauma or the part where I
felt what I went through wasnothing compared to the stories
I was hearing, and I feel thatthey should never do group
therapy with children.
You can do that with an adult,you should do that with an adult
, right, but children no.
(10:40):
Because I was sitting in a roomwhere, you know, we all had our
parents with us.
Okay, there were other childrenand you go around the room and
I'm hearing all these otherpeople's stories and I'm like,
you know, I've heard thesesisters who were raped by their
father.
Wow, you know, three girls.
(11:01):
Even the little toddler in myhead like, oh, my god, right,
you know, yeah, what I wentthrough was nothing.
You had your father then thatthat did a number on my mind and
I don't think people understandthat when you put children in a
setting like that, they feel orwhat I went through was nothing
(11:23):
, I shouldn't you know yeah, itmade you feel like you had to
minimize your trauma.
Yes, oh I definitely minimizedmy trauma, what I went through,
and then it made my motherminimize it too.
Okay, that happened.
Go, come on, we're gonna flipthat on this brother, let's go.
We got things.
So I didn't get the.
Let me nurture on you, let melove on you and let you
(11:43):
understand.
I didn't get the let me nurtureon you, let me love on you and
let you understand.
I didn't get that from her.
I got it all from mygrandmother.
Speaker 1 (11:50):
So let me ask you this At this point first of all,
I want to offer my sincerestapologies and sympathies toward
what you experienced.
I some of what you said I cancertainly actually a lot of what
you said I can relate to andhave had similar experiences.
I remember feeling like Icouldn't tell anybody.
(12:15):
I received threats as well, notthat they were gonna, that
perpetrators were gonna harm orkill anyone else other than me,
but I received those types ofthreats as well to kind of
silence you.
But I think, even just hearingsome of what you said already, I
feel like there was compoundedtrauma, like you said, with to
(12:36):
confide in.
At the point where you are thenassaulted by these boys, do you
(13:01):
tell your mother what happenedto you when you were a child?
I did.
Speaker 2 (13:06):
After the assault I did, and it was.
Why didn't you tell me?
Well, because he told me hewould kill us, right, you know.
And then um told the police,okay, looking for him, they
couldn't find him at all.
Um, you know, life starts tookay, we're trying to get back
(13:27):
on track, we're going to right,going to school.
You know, I think there wasstill no compassion in my home,
though, okay, what I wentthrough, it looks.
Come on, let's go get past it.
Let's get through it.
It's another day.
Speaker 1 (13:43):
Yeah, speak about this yeah, and I think that I
think that um and I too canrelate to that as well.
I think that for some reason,especially in black and brown
communities, where we weren'treally given the space or the
opportunity to kind of deal withthings as they happened or to
(14:06):
confront them, I think as acoping strategy, we just
automatically take on this well,I got to get over this, I got
to keep going, I got to do this.
We just automatically take onthis well, I gotta kill, gotta
keep going right.
And, like you said, it breedsthis lack of compassion, because
I remember telling mycaregivers and people who were
responsible for me that therewere things that had happening
and it was just like it was.
(14:26):
Either I was penalized forsomehow or it was like okay,
well, you know, do you just staywith them?
They stay with you and and andit's like when you're well, you
know, you just stay away fromthem, they stay away from you
and you just keep moving.
Speaker 2 (14:35):
And it's like when you're a child, you're looking
at them like no, you're supposedto protect me.
Speaker 1 (14:42):
Right, and I think in that I think, if I can trace my
thought back and my emotionsback to those times, I think
that is where I learned tosuppress my emotions, to hide my
truth.
That's where I learned that Iwas not safe with anyone.
That's what I learned that Icouldn't trust those who said
(15:03):
they loved me.
You know what I mean?
Oh yeah, and it didn't matterwhat I experienced or how badly
I had been hurt by someone.
I had to keep it to myself.
Speaker 2 (15:11):
Oh yeah, absolutely, Because it felt like your
feelings weren't being validated.
it's like no matter if I came toyou to be vulnerable and for
help or to seek help or guidance.
It was like it's like, okay,I'll just keep it all on the
inside.
And then was just so explosiveIf you said the wrong what's up
(15:46):
right here, right, you know?
And I had to sit back likema'am, why are you so angry?
Why are you so like it could bethe smallest thing and you're
just afraid to cut somebody, cutyou out of my life, everything?
And I really had to look like Ihad to do a whole lot of social
.
I'm like I am so angry.
(16:07):
And then, when I got down tothe root, I was angry at my
mother.
That's where all the anger camefrom.
Okay, well, that was angry atmy mother.
That's where all the anger camefrom, okay.
Speaker 1 (16:15):
Well, that leads me to my next question, because I
was going to ask you how do youfeel like and I get the gist
that those two stories that youshared with me three were just
the tip of the iceberg as far asthe journey.
Speaker 2 (16:31):
It was very tipped.
Speaker 1 (16:33):
But even though it seems like I'm pretty sure you
have so much more to share inthat regard they they have been
very early in life and whenyou're still developing, when
you're still growing, whenyou're still trying to come into
your own personhood and findout who you are and feel your
way in life.
So how did they affect youmentally, emotionally and in any
(16:54):
capacity?
How were you affected?
I?
Speaker 2 (16:56):
didn't want to be seen.
I didn't everything not to beseen.
I dressed like a boy.
I didn't want you to see how Ilook.
I didn't.
I tried not to smell pretty.
I did everything underneath theSun so nobody would notice me.
Because I thought if you didn'tnotice me you would try to hurt
me.
Speaker 1 (17:15):
Wow.
Speaker 2 (17:17):
That's deep, so I did everything.
I didn't learn to be a girl, agirly girl, until prom came
around, because I wanted to be adresser.
I didn't know how to walk inheels, so I had to train myself.
Okay, girl, let's put on adress, you know.
All the way up until then.
I mean, mean, I look like a boy, I walk like a boy, I talked
like a boy, I had my hairbraided all the time so nobody
(17:39):
knew what I was like growing up.
Are you a stud?
And at the time I was likewhat's that?
What's the stud?
No right, what's the stud?
You know?
And I didn't know.
I kept to myself.
I was a complete loner.
I would go in the library, Iwould be somewhere where nobody
could find me, leave me alone,and it would be moments where,
of course, I'd see it in BibleBoys, because the boys would try
(18:03):
to grab me and I would fightyou Like no, no, no, we're going
to fight.
I don't care if you beat me up,we're going to fight.
So that all happened at the ageof 16.
My mother and I had it out.
You know, you feel you grown,grown folks had their own place
and their own space, stay lessand I moved out.
(18:25):
That was it From 16 all the wayto 35.
We had no relationship.
Wow.
Speaker 1 (18:36):
Let's park right there for a second, because you
said something that I feel likeI might forget.
One of the most powerful thingsis that used to me, that spoke
up to me was that you said,after those incidents where you
were violated, where you wereabused, misused, and where all
those things happen to you andyou look to people for help, and
specifically your mother, andcouldn't find that.
(18:58):
I heard you say that one of theways that you dealt with or
tried to protect yourself was tobe unseen.
Right, you said you dressdifferently, you behave
differently and that was yourway of protecting yourself.
And I think about all the waysthat children, adolescents, grow
up and we see them in thesedifferent things that we call a
(19:21):
phase.
We realize that sometimes thisis their means of protecting
themselves.
Right, if we look at these kidsand what's wrong with them, why
they act like that, you neverknow what a child could be going
through, what they could behiding or what they could be
trying to protect themselvesfrom um.
I remember I have a twin brotherand I remember, after my
(19:41):
experience with um sexual abuseI wanted to dress like my
brother.
I wore the baggy jeans, I woremy hair back in one ponytail no,
no earrings, no makeup, none ofit.
And I wanted to look as lessattractive as possible.
I wanted to be ugly right andin that way nobody else would
(20:02):
find me attractive or appealingand maybe I would be safe enough
to be myself.
But I think the trick in thatis that sometimes you get lost.
Speaker 2 (20:13):
Oh, I know for sure I can say I was lost more than
half of my life.
I took all of my 30s to rewiremy mind, to work through my hurt
, my pain, my anger, to not bemad at myself for taking so long
(20:38):
to get back to me.
I think that was still is kindof like a little hurtful that I
hid myself for so long, that ittook me this long to come back
and find myself and learn how tocreate boundaries, and that's
(21:00):
one of the most hardest thingsever.
Speaker 1 (21:02):
It is.
Speaker 2 (21:04):
To create boundaries, to tell people no and to really
express how you feel tosomebody without the feeling of
I'm going to be hurt or you'regoing to be mad or you're not
going to talk to me again.
It used to be a people pleasure.
Because what I've been through,I didn't want you to leave me.
(21:27):
I had a bad decision.
What is it can I do to help you, even if it costs me more pain
or put me in a hole?
I didn't want you to leave meand to get out of that mindset
of if you leave you leave.
Right Is what it is Right.
(21:48):
It has nothing to do with whatI can do for you or what I can't
.
You didn't want to be here,right.
But when you're so trapped inyour mind of I'm not good enough
, I don't look good enough, mybody ain't right, I don't feel
this.
I'm not.
You know all these things.
Speaker 1 (22:07):
Right.
Speaker 2 (22:08):
Then you feel like your moral compass is kind of
jacked up because of what you'vebeen through.
Speaker 1 (22:13):
Right.
Speaker 2 (22:14):
And then you have to rewire yourself and say what
I've been through is not myfault.
I cannot blame myself foranother human being's actions.
That's true.
That's true.
Nor am I going to blame myselffor having it happen to me,
Because, as victims, we do.
I don't know if it's normal, Idon't know if it's chemical to
something bad happened to hisman.
It's my fault If I didn't dothis.
(22:36):
It's my fault If I didn't wearthis.
If I didn't, you know, have myhair this way or smell a certain
way, it wouldn't happen.
And that is so much.
Speaker 1 (22:46):
I think it's natural to blame yourself.
We know this.
I think, internally, we knowthat someone is to blame.
But I think, internally, weknow that someone is to blame.
But I think when we have beenabused in that way, our right
has been taken away, and so wedon't know how to place blame on
who really is at fault, and sowe blame ourselves.
Speaker 2 (23:05):
We feel like there's something that I should have
could have done, you knowdifferently and the shoulda,
woulda, coulda will tear youdown and tear you apart, because
all you're doing is sendingyour own mind and reliving
everything over and, over andover again and having the pain
(23:25):
continue to being brought to thesurface, versus you dealing
with it and saying, hey, let'sget to the root of all the
problems, let's work on it.
Speaker 1 (23:34):
I want to speak to something else you said Before I
get back to you the length oftime that it took for you and
your mother to kind of hashthings out.
I heard you say that it tookyou a long time for you to come
back to yourself.
So my question is how did youknow that you were away from
yourself, right?
And what did it feel like foryou to be back?
Speaker 2 (23:56):
I realized I lost myself because I was living a
very destructive life Okay, verydestructive To the point.
A lot could have went differentways.
I was hanging around a roundcrowd you know out in the
streets, you know hanging aroundwith the drug dealers, the
pimps, the hoes, the hustlerseverybody you know being the
drug dealers, the pimps, thehoes, the hustlers, everybody
you know being taught how tosurvive.
Right, because I was out on thestreet on my own at 16.
(24:19):
So I was being taught how tosurvive and what not to do and
just everything.
And I got to a point I gotpregnant at 25.
Mind you, let me rewind.
Speaker 1 (24:31):
So from 16 to 25, you were on your own.
Yep, okay, and who did you livewith?
Like friends?
Speaker 2 (24:39):
When I left at 16, I moved in-Sinai.
Then they told me they scrapedmy uterus so bad because they
(25:06):
wanted to get all the cancerouscysts out and everything that my
uterus is tilted now becausethey were scraping so hard that
it tilted.
They told me that it's apossibility I could never have
kids.
They told me it was apossibility.
If I could, I would have to doin vitro.
And so 25, actually on my 25thbirthday she was conceived.
(25:32):
Oh, wow, uh-huh, 25th birthday.
She was conceived.
And I was just like, oh, mygoodness.
And I realized, what are yougoing to do?
I was like, well, I was told Icouldn't have a child.
I'm going to keep this baby.
The father of my child wasn'tready.
He wanted me to have anabortion and I told myself, look
, I'm not forcing anybody to bea parent, you don't have to be
(25:52):
in this child's life, butwhenever you are ready she will
be here waiting for you.
I will never speak ill of you,because that is not my place,
never did.
After that it was just.
You know, life slowed down forme mentally.
You have a child now, you beingin the streets, you hanging out
(26:12):
with these people doing thesethings.
I mean when I was in the street, you hanging out with these
people doing these things, youknow, because I mean, when I was
in the streets, I was sellingdrugs, because that's not what I
knew how to survive.
Okay, I had a job in sellingdrugs in order to facilitate a
week.
Speaker 1 (26:27):
We heard that earlier in this story, in your story.
Remember when you talked aboutyour father?
Yeah, exactly.
Speaker 2 (26:34):
Regurgitating the same, and I got out of it
because it could have gotten mekilled.
I got out of that lifestyle.
I stopped hanging out withthose kind of people and it was
hard.
It was hard to let go of.
What taught me how to surviveBefore I had my.
Let me rewind.
Before I had my.
Let me rewind.
Before I had my daughter,though right before I had, I was
(26:59):
told about ovarian cancer.
I was raped by this gentlemanand I know him because and I
felt like I blamed myself, youknow because one I was an adult
and I should have known betterto remove myself from the
situation when it becamecomfortable.
But I didn't.
I froze like a kid and I beatmyself up over it.
(27:24):
Like you're grown, you canlaugh, you know any of these
things.
But in that moment I was areindeer with a headlight on, a
rose in my eye, and that carriedever.
Since that situation, I stoppedputting my like.
I didn't want to go nowhere.
(27:44):
I didn't want to hang out withnobody, I didn't talk to people,
and so I beat myself up overthat situation for a very long
time Because I was like you knewbetter, you didn't have to put
yourself in a situation you know.
And then I still have to sayyou are still a person who was
dealing with trauma, who neverreally faced your trauma at all
(28:06):
or able to fix it.
Speaker 1 (28:08):
Well, I want to say that none of these incidents was
ever your fault, that none ofthese and and none of these
incidents was it ever your fault.
I mean, you know, like you said, we we tried to place blame on
ourselves because we're tryingto see if what happened could
have been reversed by somethingyou did or didn't do.
But the reality of it is isthat we live in a broken world,
(28:28):
right, we live in a broken worldwith, with, where evil exists.
And when I look back about myown life and I see incidents and
, and I would think to myself,how come this always keeps
happening to me?
Right, and when I, when I, whenI got saved and started to pray
and started to know the lord,and I would hear people say,
well, different, different, uh,same spirit, but different
(28:51):
faiths.
And I'm like, well, what is thespirit behind these, these
traumatic experiences that I?
Well, what is the spirit behindthese traumatic experiences
that I'm having?
What is this spirit?
And I realized it was a spiritof abuse, it was a spirit of
trauma, and one of the thingsI've realized is that you fight
spirit with spirit.
Right, the Bible says that ourweapons are not carnal, they're
not like worldly weapons, butthey are mighty to the pulling
(29:13):
down of strongholds.
Strongholds are those demonicfortified places in the spirit
that we must fight through thespirit of God.
And it's literally been thatfight in prayer and in the word
of God and seeking God forhealing, for restoration, for
strength, that has literallyhelped me to learn how to
(29:34):
triumph over the trauma.
Obviously, it's a process andI'm still in this fight, but you
begin to understand that wait aminute this thing is bigger
than me, right?
And not only is it bigger thanme, but a lot of the things that
has happened in my life hashappened in people's lives
before me, and that it did notstart with me, but it can end
(29:55):
with me if I take it to the onethat can help me to fight in.
For me, that has been God, thathas been Jesus Christ.
So you spoke to, you said,around the age of 35, that's
when you spoke to your mom yes,and it's more so because I don't
know how long she has with this.
Speaker 2 (30:16):
She has heart failure and it started to get really
bad recently and everything inme was like you got to fix this,
Okay.
And it wasn't for her, it wasfor me.
I no longer wanted to carrythis anger, this pain, the hurt.
(30:37):
I didn't want to feel that Iwould hear her voice.
I tell you it would make meangry and I was like I shouldn't
feel that way.
I don't like to be angry.
I don't say the word hate.
I don't believe in saying anyof those things.
(30:57):
I don't.
I don't even operate on that.
So for me to still have thisanger, it was just like come on,
girl, we're going to work thisout, Okay.
And you know, I had called mytherapist up like I don't know
what to do, because Lord, takethe wheel Right.
And my therapist was like well,why don't you tell her
(31:18):
everything?
I was like she got heart issues, Right, I don't want her to
have a heart attack on me, Right?
I didn't do no, no, no, no, no,no, I don't need to, no.
So she was just like write outeverything.
She was like everything youcould possibly and don't get me
wrong.
I got journals, yeah, same, ohmy God, I got journals, If
(31:41):
somebody ever wants to code on.
Speaker 1 (31:42):
I'm going to page Right.
Speaker 2 (31:45):
You know and so like, by the time I got done writing
it was like 10 pages and I readit to my therapist she was like,
now that you have written itout, you have read it out, how
do you feel?
I said I have compassion,understanding, because I had to
(32:07):
take my mind frame.
Look, how were you raised?
What was your childhood like?
How did you interpret yourchildhood?
As I digested that, I startedto realize I see why you had no
compassion.
I see why you didn't know howto nurture me Because we're from
(32:29):
Belize.
So when my grandmother cameover, she came over with my
grandfather so they could makemoney to send back home, to
bring them home.
So my great grandmother wasraising her and from my mother's
point of view, she told me thatshe always felt like she was
getting beat by my greatgrandmother.
Everything she said.
(32:50):
My great grandmother would benervous.
You know, I kind of understoodand I was just like, instead of
her communicating with you andtalking to you verbally, she
beat you.
Yeah.
So I had to go down that wholepath of her childhood.
How she felt.
I realized my mother is arunner.
She doesn't face any of herproblems.
(33:12):
She's taught us that she'llpick up a run.
I had to rewire myself.
No, no, no, no.
For me personally.
A lot of people tell me you'reaggressive.
No, I'm not aggressive, but I'mnot going to run away from
anything that's in my face and Ican fix it.
And so you know having to learnwho she is, how she's been
(33:38):
moving in her life.
God gave me grace to give toher and compassion to let go of
that anger and hurt of whyweren't you there, lady, why you
didn't do this lady.
You can't expect somebody togive you something they never
had that's true.
Speaker 1 (33:56):
So when would you say that you came to this moment,
when I heard you speak about godand his grace and it's evident
that his grace and mercy has,you know, been in your life and
have kept you and, you know, hasgotten you where you are today
in this healing journey.
I hardly speak about therapy,which I consider one of the
greatest toolkits you can havein your toolkit.
(34:17):
I always say that Jesus andtherapy saved my life.
Right, but when would you sayyou came to the point where?
Because I find that there areChristians, believers all over
the world who have gone throughcertain things and they separate
their trauma from God.
Like when I first came to God,I was just like, okay, I'm going
to be safe, I'm going to do allthe things, I'm going to be a
good Christian.
But I never introduced mytrauma to him, I never told him
(34:41):
where I was hurting.
Speaker 2 (34:51):
Would you say?
Did you ever had a moment whereyou talked to him about that,
or was it like it was a moment?
Oh no, it was several momentswhere I was angry with god and I
came to god angry.
Okay, why are you allowing thisto happen to me?
Why is this happening?
What did I do?
I, I haven't done anythingwrong, I haven't sinned, I
haven't this.
Why am I being punished?
Oh, absolutely, and a lot ofpeople like you should tell me I
can't believe you talk to Godlike that.
I can't believe you come to God, tell me God you angry.
(35:11):
Who else am I supposed to tellit to?
Right, and that's in my mind,right?
God tells you to come to me asyou are.
So if I'm angry and I'm hurt,I'm going to come to you with
this and I want questions and Iwant answers.
And sometimes you don't get theanswers.
And then sometimes you got tounderstand nobody's exempt from
(35:32):
going through anything.
It is how you handle it and howyou move forward in life with
it.
And so God, god's always beenwith me.
Ooh, baby, when I tell you, godhas kept me, kept Even when I
felt like he didn't keep me kept.
I was kept, even when I wasgoing through my trauma and I
was angry at God and I startedto lose my faith Because it felt
(35:57):
like everything was just backto back to back to back.
It felt like I'm in a hole andevery time I look up it's just
getting higher and higher andhigher and there's nowhere for
me to dig out of.
And I got to the point where Ijust told God I'm tired, I'm
tired of fighting, okay, I'mtired of feeling pain, I'm tired
(36:19):
of hurting, I'm exhaustedmentally and I need your help,
okay.
So you know, it was that pointwhere I was just like God, I
knew it, whatever I'm doing,obviously it ain't right.
Speaker 1 (36:31):
How old were you at that point when you had this
come to I don't want to say cometo Jesus moment?
It sounds like you already knewhim.
But how?
When you got to the end of yourrope?
Speaker 2 (36:40):
32.
32, I couldn't take it at 32.
It felt like you know how yousee in the movies like Indiana.
Jones with the walls and clothesand all of them, and he was
trying to get out of this smalllittle bitty space.
That's how I felt Like I was inthat little bitty space and
there was no air, no, nothing,and everything was just crawling
(37:01):
in on me and I got to the pointwhere I felt like I didn't want
to live, I didn't want to behere anymore, I felt like life
wasn't worth fighting for.
And then in those moments whenI was thinking those thoughts,
(37:24):
god always populated mydaughter's space in my mind.
Speaker 1 (37:28):
You got something to live for.
Speaker 2 (37:31):
Absolutely Every single time.
Every single time, it was likeoh, baby girl, I know you want
to check out.
I promise you, I've tried tocheck out, I've tried.
I've tried to commit suicidebefore.
I think I was 27 or 28.
(37:53):
I took a whole bunch of pills.
I had a long sleep, that's allit was.
Wow, yep, it was a long sleepand I was like, oh okay, god,
well, you ain't trying to, letme go, you're right, let me go
on about my business you knowWell, I commend you.
Speaker 1 (38:16):
I commend you for, first of all, being able to come
to terms with what you've beenthrough, what you have
experienced, being able torecall those experiences that's
not an easy thing to do To traceback our trauma, to trace back
the source of our pain and theroot of our issues.
You talked a lot about the waysin which you responded to the
(38:39):
trauma, but sometimes we forgetwhy I'm acting like this.
Where did it come from?
This has a root right, and at avery early age you were exposed
to so many different, what theycall ACEs adverse childhood
experiences, and so I can onlyapplaud you for that.
(39:02):
What you have been able to evenconfront and to deal with I
mean God's grace and mercy hasliterally, literally, kept you.
You're becoming everything thatthe enemy said you wouldn't be
because of the trauma that heinflicted in your life, and your
life is a testament to yourdaughter.
Right To say with God, allthings are possible.
(39:25):
Like you said, the bad thingshappen.
You know there are things thathappen in life.
You know some people don'tbounce back from.
Some people, you know, end upliving through it through their
whole life, their life.
You spoke about your daughter'sfather and how he may still be,
in some capacity, victim to thetraumatic experiences.
But god, right.
(39:46):
But god, but the grace, but themercy of god, the, the, the
power of god that has showed upin your life and have allowed it
, can literally carry you.
Not only are you surviving, butyou're learning how to thrive.
I heard you speak about therapy.
Right, we survived the day thatyou woke up after the very
first traumatic event.
You survived, but now we'relearning how to thrive, and that
(40:09):
speaks to the power of God, thetestament of God.
I'm so very, very proud, veryproud, to hear you speak in a
way that you are, and to betransparent and to be open.
When I see those tears and whenI hear you, you know, allow
those things to come up.
I know that God is at work.
I know that God is at work andI'm so grateful and thankful for
(40:32):
you being able to be, you know,open and honest.
Your story is going to helpsomebody.
Speaker 2 (40:36):
I want to help somebody, because I know there's
somebody out there, if notseveral young women, women,
young men who have experiencedso much horrible trauma in their
(40:57):
life that they feel that thereis no one that they could turn
to, that would listen,understand and be compassionate.
And it's hard to be vulnerablewhen you felt like the world has
tried to dim your light andcrush you.
It's hard.
It's hard to open up and trustsomebody with your most intimate
secrets without people using itagainst you.
Like really, so that happens toa lot of people.
You tell a family member, youtell a friend the trauma you
went through.
Oh, I don't believe you wentthrough that.
(41:19):
I can't believe that happenedto you.
I personally wouldn't do thatto you.
And it's just like right now.
I don't know if a lot of peopleknow the suicide rate is high
in teenagers.
The suicide rate is the highestit's ever been in children,
babies.
Not one baby should be sittingthere thinking about killing
themselves that's right Due totrauma or being bullied, and we
(41:46):
as people in society don't evenstep in and stop it.
Like babies are killingthemselves and this is all due
to nobody's listening.
Speaker 1 (41:57):
And this is why platforms like this are very
important.
It's important for us to useour voices to speak against
these types of injustices, tospeak against the things that we
have been silenced and to keepit in secret, um, so that people
feel like they have a right toto tell how they feel and to be
heard, and for something to bedone about it.
Um, and there's a scripture inthe bible that talks about this
(42:19):
god visiting the sins of theforefathers, and I feel like
what we don't address in ourgeneration ultimately is just
passed down to the nextgeneration and to the point
where it's even that moreintensified, that they can't
handle it, that they are, likeyou said, unaliving themselves,
that they are doing things toharm themselves or finding
themselves in addiction orrelationships, and that's why we
(42:42):
have to do this work, that'swhy we have to tell our stories,
we have to be open, we have tobe transparent and tell people
that, first of all, it wasn'tyour fault and it's okay for you
to confront it, to confess it,to deal with it and know that
healing is possible.
Healing is possible, right,right, uh, what happened to you
(43:07):
at any point in your life,whether it's the early days, the
middle part of your life.
It doesn't have to be for therest of your life, right?
And so I'm, I'm, I'm going tocontinue to do this work with,
with voices like yours, and Iwant to have you back on the
show as well to talk about it inin depth, because you know we
only have an hour but, but stillthere's so much that can be
covered, so much that we can gointo um in, even generationally,
(43:30):
like, like, how our traumasaffect our children, right,
different things.
And so mother's day is comingup, and I think I want to have
you come back, you know, andjust share, talk about that as
well.
But listen, uh, the lastquestion I had you already asked
pretty much answered.
I was going to say how do youfeel like your faith has played
a part in your healing recovery?
Speaker 2 (43:51):
god has given me so much grace and favor, and so
much grace and favor that godhas showed me even when I felt
alone, abandoned, abandoned,isolated.
(44:11):
God has always given me light.
And when I say by light, nomatter what I've been through,
I've never let it turn my heartcold.
I've never let it be meanhurtful to anybody else.
Anytime I look at somebody likeI got a young lady right now
(44:34):
she's 24.
Unstable home, she feelsisolated.
She's doing destructive thingsand I'm like, I'm telling her
like look, I've been down thisroad, baby, you're not alone,
you are surrounded by love, andthat's the light I'm talking
(44:58):
about.
That's the light God gives us.
Turn your pain around, turnyour hurt around, turn your
trauma around.
Turn your hurt around, turnyour trauma around, right
everything you've been through.
Go love on somebody who isgoing through it right now and
help them through that process.
That's true, like god's lightis love and love is light.
(45:20):
So if you are dispersing both,I'm channeling my love and my
light inward and outward.
I don't care what the devilthrows at me, because the devil
been throwing stuff at me allweek.
What keeps me here with God isI know.
I know that I'm kept.
I know that I have favor.
(45:41):
I know that I'm covered.
I know God is protecting me.
That is my favor, because hedone protected me through a lot.
I done been shot.
I've been through domesticviolence.
Speaker 1 (45:51):
I want to tell you Half the story hasn't even been
told.
We're going to have to do apart two because apparently half
the story hasn't even been told.
Speaker 2 (46:01):
We need to spread the service.
Yes, so when I tell you God,man, I mean, look, let me tell
you something.
For people who are out thereupset with God, it's okay.
It's okay to be upset, let itout.
Tell God why you upset.
Lord, I'm upset because this ishappening and I expect you to
be here and think about it.
(46:23):
Tell God.
Tell God exactly how you feel,how you felt upset, how you hurt
everything, because Godunderstands, he already knows
before you tell Him.
He just wants you to come andtell Him so he can be there to
help you.
Hey, baby, now put your handsin mine and let me walk on with
you through your journey in thelight.
Speaker 1 (46:41):
Amen.
That was amazing, that wasbeautifully said and that is the
invitation that God extends toall of us, no matter where we've
come from, no matter what we'vegone through.
He extends that invitation Putyour hand in mine, let me lead
you, let me guide you, let mehelp you triumph over this
trauma.
Wow, so beautifully said, sucha wonderful guest that you have
(47:01):
been today.
I'm so again, so grateful andthankful for your story, for
your energy, for all that youbrought today and just your
transparency, so appreciate it.
Speaker 2 (47:12):
I just want to say thank you for giving me the
platform to tell my story, and Ipray that it helps whatever
individual out there that needsit.
Amen.
Speaker 1 (47:24):
All right, tracy, good to see you and talk to you
soon.
You too, miss Eve, you have agood one, you too.
Thank you, bye-bye, bye-bye.
Wow, guys, I don't know aboutyou, but Tracy's story
definitely resonated with me onso many different levels.
I'm so appreciative to her forher transparency, for her
(47:44):
openness.
We laughed, we cried, we prayed.
We give God glory for theresiliency of his power, of his
grace, of his mercy, of hisability to heal and to transform
lives.
Regardless of what we've beenthrough, god is able Listen.
(48:07):
I'd like to take this moment toacknowledge the fact that some
of which we spoke about todaymay be triggering to some,
especially those who've hadsimilar experiences.
For that reason, I invite youto take advantage of the
information that is listed inthese episodes show notes.
There are links to mentalhealth therapists.
(48:27):
There are books, literature andother resources that will help
us identify, navigate andrecover from traumatic
experiences.
Lastly, perhaps you'd like tobe a guest on the show.
Maybe you have a question toask or a story to tell, or maybe
you would just like prayer forwhat you're navigating in this
season of your life.
Feel free to connect with me onany of my socials.
(48:49):
I am Miss Eve on TikTok,instagram and Facebook Listen, I
look forward to hearing fromyou, but until then, remember
now thanks be unto God, whoalways causes us to triumph.
That is our podcast'sfoundational scripture, and one
that I hold dear to my heart.
(49:09):
I'll talk to you soon, godbless, thank you.
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