March 17, 2025 • 54 mins
Geena Hymer is a woman who fought binge eating disorder stemming from childhood trauma, including her parents' divorce and sexual abuse. Food became her escape, especially after a sexual assault at 20. This led her to gain weight as a form of protection. Her struggles included self-harm and suicide attempts. After reaching 320 pounds, she decided on bariatric surgery, which helped her lose 150 pounds. Geena now leads a healthier life and is writing a memoir to inspire others. Her journey emphasizes that recovery is about personal growth and intention, highlighting resilience and hope through faith and therapy.
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:04):
This meeting is being recorded.
So this started between theages of eight and nine I guess
(00:25):
you could say both yeah.
(00:54):
So, um, my parents, um, had, uh, went me a sense of calm in
that situation when I wasn'treally feeling like I could
fully express how I was feelingabout things, absolutely,
absolutely yeah.
So it started off very just.
(01:16):
It just kind of snuck in thereand then, at the age of nine, I
had started going through sexualabuse.
It was an acquaintance of thefamily, yeah, and so, and that
(01:42):
just kind of amplified thesituation.
You know, at that young age, youthat to have on hand when those
(02:05):
feelings of overwhelm oremotions that I just could not
fully express came up for me andthere was a lot of shame, even
back at that young age, about,you know, feeling like I needed
to hide the food.
You know, you know, feelinglike I needed to hide the food.
(02:30):
You know, yes, yeah, there werea lot of verbal threats made
and so I stayed silent as ameans to protect others as well
as continue to protect myself.
Yeah, the abuse for about twoyears, yeah, yeah, yeah, I, you
(03:36):
know, I'm here, I am now goinginto that tween, pre-teenage
stage of life, which is alreadyawkward the, you know larger
portions.
Sometimes I would have thelarger portions in front of
people.
Sometimes I wouldn't Again, notreally wanting to have others
(04:03):
see exactly what was going on.
It kind of surprises me, evento this day, exactly how much
shame is attached to eating atsuch a young age, when you kind
of start that cycle of bingeeating.
You know, I had started gaining, like I would call that
(04:31):
pre-teen weight that that girlsdo as they're starting to go
through puberty, um and um.
But it wasn't until I became anadult where my weight issues
really got, I guess, out ofcontrol.
Yeah, because I stayed prettysteady with my weight and body
(04:54):
composition up through highschool.
I mean, I was always chunkierthan some of the kids you know,
and that came with some peerridicule and stuff like that,
which is, you know, kids arekids.
Yeah, exactly so, you know, andthat always kind of made me
(05:20):
feel a little set apart anddifferent from my peers and I
had a very small circle offriends that I actually, you
know, associated with day in andday out, that I felt like I
could, that accepted me for whoI was regardless.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, and so I did.
(05:46):
I did not.
I actually started after Igraduated high school.
I went into health care.
I've been doing that for wellever since, so for a very long
time.
(06:06):
I am an office managercurrently, yeah, but I've kind
of done an array of thingsMedical billing, yeah, yeah,
(06:32):
yeah, yeah, yeah I.
I was 20, maybe around 20.
The first time I actuallyshared about the abuse, um and
(07:03):
um you know it wasn't theeasiest conversation to be had
Um.
I told my mom, yeah, um, andyou know I I still had just
barely started going to umtherapy to start working through
the different things that hadbeen um, problematic for me.
Yeah, it's almost like I knewall those years growing up that
(07:25):
I needed to sit down and talkthrough things with someone, and
it's like as soon as I turned18, I was like, okay, I'm yeah,
yeah, I, I am a strong proponentfor therapy.
(07:49):
Yeah, so I?
Um, I did not.
(08:12):
I was, yeah, I.
The eating pattern certainly gotworse.
About a week or so before my21st birthday, I had um.
I was living with roommates andwe had a little house party and
(08:36):
stuff like that.
Um and I ended up beingsexually assaulted by, um, an
acquaintance there at the partythat night by an acquaintance
there at the party that night.
Yeah Well, I like to believethat we go through our hard
things for a purpose, for abetter way of putting it.
(08:57):
You know, my hard situations isfor me to try to help others
feel seen and heard.
So it's made me a very strongindividual.
Yeah yeah, it was after thesexual abuse had started and my
(09:41):
first attempt was at nine.
It wasn't your standard, youknow like you think of someone
overdosing or other ways oftaking their life.
Mine was running out into abusy road, into traffic, trying
to get hit by a car.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, no, no, andthankfully I did not.
(10:44):
I did try that on two separateinstances.
You know, back at the time myrational thought around that was
you know, if that happened,then the abuse would end Trying
to transition from one pain toanother and I was, of course, at
that point in my life veryangry that people stopped
(11:07):
because they, I guess you couldsay, foiled the plan I had.
Right, I know, like I said, therationale of a young mind who,
you know.
I just didn't have the copingskills necessary to navigate all
those situations that werehappening.
(11:39):
I kept that secret for about ayear.
I kept that secret for about ayear, yeah, and, and in large
part to that, was the followingmorning, um, I had some of my
female friends who, had you know, were at the party.
They had came back to the houseand had indicated that this
individual, this acquaintance ofours, was out at the racetrack
(12:02):
bragging to everybody about hisconquest the night before.
And my, my mind immediatelyreverted back to the previous
trauma and immediately I waslike, well, who's going?
(12:26):
Just tucked that away, like Idid previously.
Um, because that's what I knewto do.
It was, yeah, the, the bingeeating.
(13:08):
Yeah, um, I kept it very closeto my chest well into my
thirties.
But after that assault at 20, I, that's when it really just
spiraled, cause I was alreadydealing with all my growing up
up to that point, severedepression and isolation
(13:28):
thoughts or taking steps to doself-harm.
Um, because my coping kind ofevolved.
It started with eating, um, andthen it evolved into self-harm
and suicidal tendencies and Ijust really, I attempted
(13:55):
multiple times.
Yeah, I had attempted, by meansof overdose on a number of
occasions.
I had started cutting on myselfas a way to release some of
(14:27):
that pent up pain.
Right, yeah, yeah, yeah,exactly, yeah, exactly, and, um,
(14:48):
you know cause, in the moment,it seems to satisfy whatever it
was that you're looking to, theend results you're looking for,
and the pain, exactly so, um,yeah, and then I just started.
My weight started going upquicker and quicker and quicker
(15:11):
and I think, to the outsiders,they obviously knew something
was going on.
No one came right out and askedme.
I know that in retrospect andhaving conversations with
different, you know, family orfriends, they certainly were
(15:33):
concerned about my health.
I'm just not certain thatanybody really knew how to
directly, you know, address thesituation or you know, you know,
and they themselves weren'tnecessarily equipped to do so,
and at this point I'm an adult.
So it's kind of like you know,yeah, yeah, you know she can
(15:55):
make her own decisions, kind ofthought process perhaps.
So, yeah.
So I ended up up going andgaining about 160 pounds from
the point that I was yes,absolutely, yeah, yeah,
(16:30):
absolutely.
It just added fuel to the fire,thank you.
(16:56):
So back, uh, in 2014, 20, no,2015, um, I unexpectedly had to
fly somewhere, um, for mygrandmother's funeral, and I
didn't want to go on a planebecause I knew it was going to
(17:17):
be uncomfortable because of mybody composition and just other
factors, and I had alreadystarted really digging into okay
, how can I go about, you know,getting myself healthier?
Because that was my ultimategoal, because I was on
medications that I didn't wantto be on and I wanted to be off
(17:42):
of those, and so, but on thatflight both flights to my
destination I ended up gettingshamed by other passengers and I
had never experienced thatbefore not on an airplane and it
(18:05):
just solidified a thought thatI was already having I was
considering doing bariatricsurgery because I knew that, as
part of my process to gethealthier, I needed something
that was going to restrict myability to overeat, because I
(18:28):
knew I had a problem with doingthat.
And so, with those experienceson the airplane that left me
angry and mortified and feelinglike the lowest of low, because
someone didn't want to sit nextto me, because I made their trip
(18:52):
unpleasant, unpleasant.
I came back from that tripgoing to my grandmother's
funeral and I said, okay, I'mgoing to go see a bariatric
surgeon, I'm going to see if Ican get this done, and I ended
up.
I call it it was my birthdaypresent because I had surgery
(19:14):
two days after my birthday, so Ihad like this rebirth.
I did, yeah, and you know theymake sure that you're mentally
prepared for all of that,because for me, my strong
opinion of it is it is 90%mental.
So there's a lot of work thatgoes into that.
(19:38):
You have to change your eatinghabits and obviously your
stomach is restricting you, um,but you really have to.
Yeah, yeah, um, I was on likesoft foods, um, and purees and
(20:09):
things like that for a couplefew weeks, so weeks, so yeah,
and they my surgeon and notevery surgeon's office is
necessarily like this, but minedid require that I lose a
(20:32):
certain amount up to the pointof surgery to show that I was um
like in the process, yeah, and,and I did exceed that amount
that they had asked me Um, sothey were very pleased with that
, um, and I mean yeah, I meanI've done different fad diets
(21:07):
and things like that over thecourse of life and um, I always
like hit this wall at a certainstage because I would get
fearful um me at after thetraumas and things like that
that had happened with thesexual assault and the abuse the
eating ended up turning intocreating like this body of armor
.
It was a way to protect myself.
(21:30):
In my mind, um, and you know alot of the rhetoric that society
feeds to us as well.
You know, if you look a certainway, you're considered less
attractive Again.
There's a lot of falsehoodabout that, you know.
(21:51):
But you let it get into your,your brain, your brain, and so I
thought, well, if I just keepon packing on the weight and
keep on building this armor,then no one else will be tempted
to harm me.
And so that, once, once thatthought process started, that's
(22:12):
when the ball just went rolling.
Yeah.
So, um, I mean, I have zeroregrets about the bariatric
surgery.
It really did help me a lot.
It was in a very big way, yeah,cause, when all was said and
(22:33):
done, um, cause, like I said, I,um, I stayed really steady with
my weight all through highschool and when all was said and
done, I had went from 320pounds three, 30 was my heaviest
down to what I was in highschool at one 70.
, yeah, and that was in a year'stime.
(22:57):
So, yeah, I say a lot of ums,it's okay, absolutely yeah.
And I remember feeling just themost on fire for life when I got
(23:21):
to that point.
I felt just healthy, mentally,physically, emotionally trauma,
because you know there's stillthings that come up to this day.
You know that kind of packedaway, exactly, exactly, exactly.
(23:54):
And you know, and even thebinge eating disorder it is.
It's a lifelong, daily,intentional act.
You know so because you knowyou start overeating in all
periods of emotion, whether it'sanger, sadness, joy.
(24:14):
You know, look at all thecelebration that happens around
food and you know there's abunch of food at funerals.
I mean every circumstance,plenty of that.
Yeah Well, it's.
(24:53):
You know it's like, say, abirthday party.
You know everybody else isindulging on cake and ice cream.
So I didn't feel like I wasbeing looked at differently if I
was.
But you know there are plenty oftimes, unfortunately.
You know where you go out toeat with friends or family or
(25:15):
whatever the circumstance may be, and you get comments oh, are
you going to eat all that?
Oh, are you going to box someof that up?
And to appease what they'resaying, because I'm feeling
judged in that moment, I do itand I box half of it up and I'll
(25:36):
go home and I'll finish it andI might grab and order a medium
or a large pizza and eat that inprivate as well.
You know there was a lot ofsecretive eating behind closed
doors, even more so as I becamean adult and living on my own.
Adult, and living on my own,yes, exactly, and I.
(26:07):
That's why my weight amplifiedso quickly, you know, because I
was able to go through thedrive-through or whatever it was
I wanted to do.
I could buy, I could live onjunk food if I wanted to.
No one could tell me different.
So, yeah, I, I had some horribleeating habits.
I did, um, you know, yes, andeven because this year I will be
(26:43):
10 years out from surgery andmy surgery nurse even tells me
I'm still heads and tails abovemost people that have had the
surgery.
I have had a weight gain of Ifluctuate between 50 to 60
pounds within that 10 years.
And and, like I said, it tiesinto this is a daily intentional
(27:08):
reminder that you know you haveto choose how you're going to
cope in whatever the situationmight be.
Right, it is, and I did thatfor quite a few years actually,
(27:45):
and and I did I kind of got alittle burnt out on it because
it is a lot of work, um, butthere's some good reasonings
behind it as well.
It was honestly really diggingmy heels in to heal from the
different traumas that helpedaid with both the physical and
(28:11):
the mental aspect of weight loss.
Yeah, yeah, I am not.
(29:03):
However, what I am doing.
I am working on writing myfirst book.
I'm working with a publishingcompany and I decided to make my
first book a memoir about mybinge eating disorder journey.
Yes, yeah, yeah, because I wantto be able to share you know
(29:35):
where my story started, how itprogressed, how it got better
and how I continue to moveforward to live a healthier life
.
Um, cause, I still have moments.
You know, I may have a muchsmaller stomach pouch these days
, but 10 years out, you can eatmore than you could a year out,
(30:08):
yeah, so I mean, I can still, um, I can't binge to the extent,
of course, um, but I do stillfind myself periodically
reaching for those slipperyslope type foods, you know so,
and then it's like, okay, wait aminute, think of where you,
where you were where, how faryou've come.
Um, so, um, I want to be ableto use my.
(30:29):
The slogan of the publisher thatI work for is may your hard
story be someone else's hopestory.
May your hard story be someoneelse's hope story, and I take
that very much to heart.
I want to be able to fulfillwhat I believe is my purpose in
helping others.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, Ihonestly would recommend and ask
(31:25):
them if they have a safe person.
Is there anybody in their lifethat they feel that they can go
to judgment free?
Because that's, that's a, youknow, a big part of it.
Like I said, there's a lot ofshame and you get a lot of
judgment, whether people realizeit's coming out of them in that
(31:48):
moment, either in their bodylanguage or their eyes or their
words.
You know, that's, I think, whatkeeps so many people that
battle, specifically with bingeeating since I can't speak to
the restrictive side fromspeaking up or, you know,
leaning into another person tosee how they might be able to
(32:11):
get help to work through that.
That, because you know.
Again, going back to the societyeffect, you know there's so
much.
There is, yeah, exactly, andhealth comes at all phases and
(32:48):
stages.
You know, um, I may still beconsidered overweight.
However, I'm healthier now thanI've ever been.
So, yes, yeah, yeah, yes, I'mglad I did.
Yeah, yeah, society, um, andalso those that you create for
(33:33):
yourself, yeah, which are, youknow, also fed by society.
You know, an interesting bit ofinformation that I forgot to
mention that kind of shifted mefrom being at hyper-focused
about my, you know, staying ontask and on goal for when I got
(33:58):
down to my lowest weight was, Iremember I came back for a visit
to see friends and family.
And again, this is at the pointin time where I was like, yes,
I'm, you know I was, I'm a veryhumble person, but I was
extremely high on pride andmyself.
(34:19):
You know, I was like I did this, you know, and I went to, yes,
exactly, it was the first timein my life I felt proud of
myself.
So, and at this point I was 30,36, 37, somewhere in there, so,
(34:41):
and I went and met up with, youknow, different groups of
friends and family during thatvisit and I had still upset with
(35:08):
myself a little bit about this,but I let that narrative get
into my head, even though it wastwo of 50 people that had given
me commentary on how they, youknow, felt about my progress or
how I looked.
I let those two comments derailand sidetrack where I was at
(35:35):
that point.
I gave it power, absolutely.
And that, that, you know, Igenerally don't live with
regrets, I tend to live withmore lessons learned, but I
would say that letting thathappen is a bit of a regret for
(35:57):
me.
Yeah, I would say, you know,this is where I'm at right now.
(36:32):
Is that point?
I just was like, really, I wastaken aback by it because I was
not expecting that, you know,and that was at 170 pounds on a
five, five, five foot five inchframe, so a curvy frame at that.
So, you know, that's just yeah.
But to them, I think it was astark contrast from where I was
(36:52):
at three, 30.
So, and I also believe, becauseboth of them have had their own
weight struggles, I feel likeit was also partially yeah, yeah
, yeah, or that comment wouldcome up.
(37:41):
And then there was also a periodwhere I my work was incredibly
stressful and overwhelming.
I was working 70, 80 hour weeksand so, you know, I was leaning
on the easy food fixes andthings like that, on the easy
(38:03):
food fixes and things like that.
So, yeah, I remember the staffwould order in food because you
know, I'm like stuck in aconference room trying to comb
through and different thingsthat were going on in the office
at that point.
So, while they werewell-meaning, yeah, yeah, yeah,
(39:08):
you know, my parents werewell-meaning in that I didn't
wasn't witness to a lot of thearguing that led up to the
divorce and so, yes, of flippedmy life upside down.
Eight, yeah, I do.
(39:31):
I have an older brother, twoyounger sisters, and then I have
an older stepsister, olderstepbrother and a younger
stepbrother.
You know my older brother and I.
(40:04):
We were, you know, dealing withour own, you know resolutions
to the divorce and stuff likethat.
My younger sisters were both incar seats when that initially
started, so they don't have alot of memory of it.
Um, if any.
Um, and then my brother and um.
I lived in separate houses offand on growing up as well, so as
did my sisters and I.
But um, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,yeah, so, um, there's two
(41:11):
things that I like to start myday off with um, before anybody
else in the house is awake.
Um, which is usually a goodhour, hour and a half.
Um is um.
I have shifted to really try tocurate my social media, to feed
me what it is like a healthymindset, more positive content,
because there's a lot of garbageout there and since you know,
(41:34):
it's inevitable that at somepoint during the day I'm going
to be mindlessly scrolling onone of my socials, whether it be
for building my writingaudience or whatever it might be
, catching up with friends, yeah, yeah.
So you know, I like to findpositive news or positive quotes
(41:55):
or things like that, so feedingmy mind well.
And I also like to spend timein scripture in the mornings and
journal or just listen to music.
So, yeah, I like to try tospend time over coffee.
(42:17):
Just, my dog talks to me beforecoffee.
He's a little terrier mix, yeah, little eight pounder.
Absolutely, yeah, yeah, nope,absolutely.
(43:17):
So, yeah, I've got big plansfor myself.
(43:44):
So, um, I definitely want tostart my own podcast at some
point, um, and continue to, youknow, start getting my story out
there by being on more uh,podcasts.
Um, I also envision myselfdoing speaking engagements.
Not sure exactly what thatlooks like, but I, like I said,
(44:10):
I just am really beingintentional that's actually my
word of this year is intentional.
So if I say it a lot, you knowwhy.
About getting my words outthere, because I know for me,
when I was going through theheightened part of the binge
(44:31):
eating disorder, there reallywasn't a lot of resources out
there that I personally hadfound that I could relate to Not
the clinical side of it,because there's lots of stuff on
that end, but you know, Iremember I heard a lot more
about the restrictive side.
So I feel like having more ofthis type of story out there.
(44:56):
It would have been helpful forme back in the day.
It would have been helpful forme back in the day.
So, yeah, yeah, oh yeah.
(45:38):
I, my heart's definitely on firefor Jesus.
Yeah, yeah, so I, yeah, so Imean, I like to tell people my
(45:59):
relationship with God has alwaysbeen complicated.
I spent a lot of years keepinghim more arm's length because I
felt like he may have failed me.
You know, because when you'regoing through those hard times,
it's hard to see the light atthe end of the tunnel, and so,
um, you know, I am very thankfulthat I have such a strong
(46:20):
relationship with my faith atthis stage.
It's what gets me through anyhard moments.
So, mm-hmm, yeah, mm-hmm, yeah,yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,
(47:53):
yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,yeah.
(48:31):
Well, first I have been whereyou are, you know, um, where I
felt like I was abandoned, um,during some very hard times, um,
and now I have a much greaterunderstanding that I don't.
I don't, not one that believesthat.
You know, god necessarily wantsus to go through certain types
of traumas like that, but hewill use our story for a greater
(48:55):
purpose.
Yeah, and you know where I didhave a turn, and there were
certainly bumps along the way,even since, um, up until about a
few years ago, when I reallyjust you know, became more
(49:17):
dedicated and engrossed in myfaith.
Um, I, it was the day of my lastsuicide attempt, when I was 28.
Um, I was, you know, I wassitting in the middle of my
living room, um, with a plan inplace to take my life, and I
(49:41):
made a deal, if you will, withGod in that moment, that I was
going to reach out to a friendof mine and that if she answered
the phone I wouldn't go throughwith it.
But if she didn't answer thephone I would.
And she answered the phone andto me that was divine
(50:01):
intervention.
And to me that was divineintervention.
That was him saying, yeah, no,now is not your time.
(50:26):
So, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,
(50:59):
I've I.
I still bout with somedepression, not near to the
extent that I did growing up,and I've had no inkling of
wanting to harm myself.
It's been 18 years.
I think it's a combination ofboth.
I think he has lifted me up toreally show me how much strength
(51:22):
I really have within me.
You know, you know, because inthose moments you don't see that
about yourself.
All you see is that you'rebeing beat down and beat down
and it's like how much more canI take?
Right?
But I know I am stronger thanstrong and there's nothing that
(51:44):
I can't make it on the otherside of yeah, no, yeah, yeah,
(52:12):
yeah, yeah, yeah.
(52:34):
You know, just don't give up onyourself, regardless of what the
circumstances are.
You know there's resources outthere for when someone is ready
to take that next step.
Um, and the next right step isgoing to be defined by each
person, um, but yeah, we, wereally don't have to suffer in
(52:56):
silence in whatever we're goingthrough.
So, whatever we're goingthrough, so, exactly, exactly.
And you know, um, yeah, I just,I really hope I actually said a
prayer before we, we startedthis that my hope is that this
finds the ears that it needs sothat they can hear it.
(53:17):
Yeah, well, I appreciate that,thank you.
I'm in more of the early stages, so it will definitely be out
(53:37):
this year exactly.
I would love that.
(54:00):
Thank you, michelle.
I feel the same way about you,you too.
Bye-bye.
This meeting is being recorded.
So this started between theages of eight and nine I guess
(00:25):
you could say both yeah.
(00:54):
So, um, my parents, um, had, uh, went me a sense of calm in
that situation when I wasn'treally feeling like I could
fully express how I was feelingabout things, absolutely,
absolutely yeah.
So it started off very just.
(01:16):
It just kind of snuck in thereand then, at the age of nine, I
had started going through sexualabuse.
It was an acquaintance of thefamily, yeah, and so, and that
(01:42):
just kind of amplified thesituation.
You know, at that young age, youthat to have on hand when those
(02:05):
feelings of overwhelm oremotions that I just could not
fully express came up for me andthere was a lot of shame, even
back at that young age, about,you know, feeling like I needed
to hide the food.
You know, you know, feelinglike I needed to hide the food.
(02:30):
You know, yes, yeah, there werea lot of verbal threats made
and so I stayed silent as ameans to protect others as well
as continue to protect myself.
Yeah, the abuse for about twoyears, yeah, yeah, yeah, I, you
(03:36):
know, I'm here, I am now goinginto that tween, pre-teenage
stage of life, which is alreadyawkward the, you know larger
portions.
Sometimes I would have thelarger portions in front of
people.
Sometimes I wouldn't Again, notreally wanting to have others
(04:03):
see exactly what was going on.
It kind of surprises me, evento this day, exactly how much
shame is attached to eating atsuch a young age, when you kind
of start that cycle of bingeeating.
You know, I had started gaining, like I would call that
(04:31):
pre-teen weight that that girlsdo as they're starting to go
through puberty, um and um.
But it wasn't until I became anadult where my weight issues
really got, I guess, out ofcontrol.
Yeah, because I stayed prettysteady with my weight and body
(04:54):
composition up through highschool.
I mean, I was always chunkierthan some of the kids you know,
and that came with some peerridicule and stuff like that,
which is, you know, kids arekids.
Yeah, exactly so, you know, andthat always kind of made me
(05:20):
feel a little set apart anddifferent from my peers and I
had a very small circle offriends that I actually, you
know, associated with day in andday out, that I felt like I
could, that accepted me for whoI was regardless.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, and so I did.
(05:46):
I did not.
I actually started after Igraduated high school.
I went into health care.
I've been doing that for wellever since, so for a very long
time.
(06:06):
I am an office managercurrently, yeah, but I've kind
of done an array of thingsMedical billing, yeah, yeah,
(06:32):
yeah, yeah, yeah I.
I was 20, maybe around 20.
The first time I actuallyshared about the abuse, um and
(07:03):
um you know it wasn't theeasiest conversation to be had
Um.
I told my mom, yeah, um, andyou know I I still had just
barely started going to umtherapy to start working through
the different things that hadbeen um, problematic for me.
Yeah, it's almost like I knewall those years growing up that
(07:25):
I needed to sit down and talkthrough things with someone, and
it's like as soon as I turned18, I was like, okay, I'm yeah,
yeah, I, I am a strong proponentfor therapy.
(07:49):
Yeah, so I?
Um, I did not.
(08:12):
I was, yeah, I.
The eating pattern certainly gotworse.
About a week or so before my21st birthday, I had um.
I was living with roommates andwe had a little house party and
(08:36):
stuff like that.
Um and I ended up beingsexually assaulted by, um, an
acquaintance there at the partythat night by an acquaintance
there at the party that night.
Yeah Well, I like to believethat we go through our hard
things for a purpose, for abetter way of putting it.
(08:57):
You know, my hard situations isfor me to try to help others
feel seen and heard.
So it's made me a very strongindividual.
Yeah yeah, it was after thesexual abuse had started and my
(09:41):
first attempt was at nine.
It wasn't your standard, youknow like you think of someone
overdosing or other ways oftaking their life.
Mine was running out into abusy road, into traffic, trying
to get hit by a car.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, no, no, andthankfully I did not.
(10:44):
I did try that on two separateinstances.
You know, back at the time myrational thought around that was
you know, if that happened,then the abuse would end Trying
to transition from one pain toanother and I was, of course, at
that point in my life veryangry that people stopped
(11:07):
because they, I guess you couldsay, foiled the plan I had.
Right, I know, like I said, therationale of a young mind who,
you know.
I just didn't have the copingskills necessary to navigate all
those situations that werehappening.
(11:39):
I kept that secret for about ayear.
I kept that secret for about ayear, yeah, and, and in large
part to that, was the followingmorning, um, I had some of my
female friends who, had you know, were at the party.
They had came back to the houseand had indicated that this
individual, this acquaintance ofours, was out at the racetrack
(12:02):
bragging to everybody about hisconquest the night before.
And my, my mind immediatelyreverted back to the previous
trauma and immediately I waslike, well, who's going?
(12:26):
Just tucked that away, like Idid previously.
Um, because that's what I knewto do.
It was, yeah, the, the bingeeating.
(13:08):
Yeah, um, I kept it very closeto my chest well into my
thirties.
But after that assault at 20, I, that's when it really just
spiraled, cause I was alreadydealing with all my growing up
up to that point, severedepression and isolation
(13:28):
thoughts or taking steps to doself-harm.
Um, because my coping kind ofevolved.
It started with eating, um, andthen it evolved into self-harm
and suicidal tendencies and Ijust really, I attempted
(13:55):
multiple times.
Yeah, I had attempted, by meansof overdose on a number of
occasions.
I had started cutting on myselfas a way to release some of
(14:27):
that pent up pain.
Right, yeah, yeah, yeah,exactly, yeah, exactly, and, um,
(14:48):
you know cause, in the moment,it seems to satisfy whatever it
was that you're looking to, theend results you're looking for,
and the pain, exactly so, um,yeah, and then I just started.
My weight started going upquicker and quicker and quicker
(15:11):
and I think, to the outsiders,they obviously knew something
was going on.
No one came right out and askedme.
I know that in retrospect andhaving conversations with
different, you know, family orfriends, they certainly were
(15:33):
concerned about my health.
I'm just not certain thatanybody really knew how to
directly, you know, address thesituation or you know, you know,
and they themselves weren'tnecessarily equipped to do so,
and at this point I'm an adult.
So it's kind of like you know,yeah, yeah, you know she can
(15:55):
make her own decisions, kind ofthought process perhaps.
So, yeah.
So I ended up up going andgaining about 160 pounds from
the point that I was yes,absolutely, yeah, yeah,
(16:30):
absolutely.
It just added fuel to the fire,thank you.
(16:56):
So back, uh, in 2014, 20, no,2015, um, I unexpectedly had to
fly somewhere, um, for mygrandmother's funeral, and I
didn't want to go on a planebecause I knew it was going to
(17:17):
be uncomfortable because of mybody composition and just other
factors, and I had alreadystarted really digging into okay
, how can I go about, you know,getting myself healthier?
Because that was my ultimategoal, because I was on
medications that I didn't wantto be on and I wanted to be off
(17:42):
of those, and so, but on thatflight both flights to my
destination I ended up gettingshamed by other passengers and I
had never experienced thatbefore not on an airplane and it
(18:05):
just solidified a thought thatI was already having I was
considering doing bariatricsurgery because I knew that, as
part of my process to gethealthier, I needed something
that was going to restrict myability to overeat, because I
(18:28):
knew I had a problem with doingthat.
And so, with those experienceson the airplane that left me
angry and mortified and feelinglike the lowest of low, because
someone didn't want to sit nextto me, because I made their trip
(18:52):
unpleasant, unpleasant.
I came back from that tripgoing to my grandmother's
funeral and I said, okay, I'mgoing to go see a bariatric
surgeon, I'm going to see if Ican get this done, and I ended
up.
I call it it was my birthdaypresent because I had surgery
(19:14):
two days after my birthday, so Ihad like this rebirth.
I did, yeah, and you know theymake sure that you're mentally
prepared for all of that,because for me, my strong
opinion of it is it is 90%mental.
So there's a lot of work thatgoes into that.
(19:38):
You have to change your eatinghabits and obviously your
stomach is restricting you, um,but you really have to.
Yeah, yeah, um, I was on likesoft foods, um, and purees and
(20:09):
things like that for a couplefew weeks, so weeks, so yeah,
and they my surgeon and notevery surgeon's office is
necessarily like this, but minedid require that I lose a
(20:32):
certain amount up to the pointof surgery to show that I was um
like in the process, yeah, and,and I did exceed that amount
that they had asked me Um, sothey were very pleased with that
, um, and I mean yeah, I meanI've done different fad diets
(21:07):
and things like that over thecourse of life and um, I always
like hit this wall at a certainstage because I would get
fearful um me at after thetraumas and things like that
that had happened with thesexual assault and the abuse the
eating ended up turning intocreating like this body of armor
.
It was a way to protect myself.
(21:30):
In my mind, um, and you know alot of the rhetoric that society
feeds to us as well.
You know, if you look a certainway, you're considered less
attractive Again.
There's a lot of falsehoodabout that, you know.
(21:51):
But you let it get into your,your brain, your brain, and so I
thought, well, if I just keepon packing on the weight and
keep on building this armor,then no one else will be tempted
to harm me.
And so that, once, once thatthought process started, that's
(22:12):
when the ball just went rolling.
Yeah.
So, um, I mean, I have zeroregrets about the bariatric
surgery.
It really did help me a lot.
It was in a very big way, yeah,cause, when all was said and
(22:33):
done, um, cause, like I said, I,um, I stayed really steady with
my weight all through highschool and when all was said and
done, I had went from 320pounds three, 30 was my heaviest
down to what I was in highschool at one 70.
, yeah, and that was in a year'stime.
(22:57):
So, yeah, I say a lot of ums,it's okay, absolutely yeah.
And I remember feeling just themost on fire for life when I got
(23:21):
to that point.
I felt just healthy, mentally,physically, emotionally trauma,
because you know there's stillthings that come up to this day.
You know that kind of packedaway, exactly, exactly, exactly.
(23:54):
And you know, and even thebinge eating disorder it is.
It's a lifelong, daily,intentional act.
You know so because you knowyou start overeating in all
periods of emotion, whether it'sanger, sadness, joy.
(24:14):
You know, look at all thecelebration that happens around
food and you know there's abunch of food at funerals.
I mean every circumstance,plenty of that.
Yeah Well, it's.
(24:53):
You know it's like, say, abirthday party.
You know everybody else isindulging on cake and ice cream.
So I didn't feel like I wasbeing looked at differently if I
was.
But you know there are plenty oftimes, unfortunately.
You know where you go out toeat with friends or family or
(25:15):
whatever the circumstance may be, and you get comments oh, are
you going to eat all that?
Oh, are you going to box someof that up?
And to appease what they'resaying, because I'm feeling
judged in that moment, I do itand I box half of it up and I'll
(25:36):
go home and I'll finish it andI might grab and order a medium
or a large pizza and eat that inprivate as well.
You know there was a lot ofsecretive eating behind closed
doors, even more so as I becamean adult and living on my own.
Adult, and living on my own,yes, exactly, and I.
(26:07):
That's why my weight amplifiedso quickly, you know, because I
was able to go through thedrive-through or whatever it was
I wanted to do.
I could buy, I could live onjunk food if I wanted to.
No one could tell me different.
So, yeah, I, I had some horribleeating habits.
I did, um, you know, yes, andeven because this year I will be
(26:43):
10 years out from surgery andmy surgery nurse even tells me
I'm still heads and tails abovemost people that have had the
surgery.
I have had a weight gain of Ifluctuate between 50 to 60
pounds within that 10 years.
And and, like I said, it tiesinto this is a daily intentional
(27:08):
reminder that you know you haveto choose how you're going to
cope in whatever the situationmight be.
Right, it is, and I did thatfor quite a few years actually,
(27:45):
and and I did I kind of got alittle burnt out on it because
it is a lot of work, um, butthere's some good reasonings
behind it as well.
It was honestly really diggingmy heels in to heal from the
different traumas that helpedaid with both the physical and
(28:11):
the mental aspect of weight loss.
Yeah, yeah, I am not.
(29:03):
However, what I am doing.
I am working on writing myfirst book.
I'm working with a publishingcompany and I decided to make my
first book a memoir about mybinge eating disorder journey.
Yes, yeah, yeah, because I wantto be able to share you know
(29:35):
where my story started, how itprogressed, how it got better
and how I continue to moveforward to live a healthier life
.
Um, cause, I still have moments.
You know, I may have a muchsmaller stomach pouch these days
, but 10 years out, you can eatmore than you could a year out,
(30:08):
yeah, so I mean, I can still, um, I can't binge to the extent,
of course, um, but I do stillfind myself periodically
reaching for those slipperyslope type foods, you know so,
and then it's like, okay, wait aminute, think of where you,
where you were where, how faryou've come.
Um, so, um, I want to be ableto use my.
(30:29):
The slogan of the publisher thatI work for is may your hard
story be someone else's hopestory.
May your hard story be someoneelse's hope story, and I take
that very much to heart.
I want to be able to fulfillwhat I believe is my purpose in
helping others.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, Ihonestly would recommend and ask
(31:25):
them if they have a safe person.
Is there anybody in their lifethat they feel that they can go
to judgment free?
Because that's, that's a, youknow, a big part of it.
Like I said, there's a lot ofshame and you get a lot of
judgment, whether people realizeit's coming out of them in that
(31:48):
moment, either in their bodylanguage or their eyes or their
words.
You know, that's, I think, whatkeeps so many people that
battle, specifically with bingeeating since I can't speak to
the restrictive side fromspeaking up or, you know,
leaning into another person tosee how they might be able to
(32:11):
get help to work through that.
That, because you know.
Again, going back to the societyeffect, you know there's so
much.
There is, yeah, exactly, andhealth comes at all phases and
(32:48):
stages.
You know, um, I may still beconsidered overweight.
However, I'm healthier now thanI've ever been.
So, yes, yeah, yeah, yes, I'mglad I did.
Yeah, yeah, society, um, andalso those that you create for
(33:33):
yourself, yeah, which are, youknow, also fed by society.
You know, an interesting bit ofinformation that I forgot to
mention that kind of shifted mefrom being at hyper-focused
about my, you know, staying ontask and on goal for when I got
(33:58):
down to my lowest weight was, Iremember I came back for a visit
to see friends and family.
And again, this is at the pointin time where I was like, yes,
I'm, you know I was, I'm a veryhumble person, but I was
extremely high on pride andmyself.
(34:19):
You know, I was like I did this, you know, and I went to, yes,
exactly, it was the first timein my life I felt proud of
myself.
So, and at this point I was 30,36, 37, somewhere in there, so,
(34:41):
and I went and met up with, youknow, different groups of
friends and family during thatvisit and I had still upset with
(35:08):
myself a little bit about this,but I let that narrative get
into my head, even though it wastwo of 50 people that had given
me commentary on how they, youknow, felt about my progress or
how I looked.
I let those two comments derailand sidetrack where I was at
(35:35):
that point.
I gave it power, absolutely.
And that, that, you know, Igenerally don't live with
regrets, I tend to live withmore lessons learned, but I
would say that letting thathappen is a bit of a regret for
(35:57):
me.
Yeah, I would say, you know,this is where I'm at right now.
(36:32):
Is that point?
I just was like, really, I wastaken aback by it because I was
not expecting that, you know,and that was at 170 pounds on a
five, five, five foot five inchframe, so a curvy frame at that.
So, you know, that's just yeah.
But to them, I think it was astark contrast from where I was
(36:52):
at three, 30.
So, and I also believe, becauseboth of them have had their own
weight struggles, I feel likeit was also partially yeah, yeah
, yeah, or that comment wouldcome up.
(37:41):
And then there was also a periodwhere I my work was incredibly
stressful and overwhelming.
I was working 70, 80 hour weeksand so, you know, I was leaning
on the easy food fixes andthings like that, on the easy
(38:03):
food fixes and things like that.
So, yeah, I remember the staffwould order in food because you
know, I'm like stuck in aconference room trying to comb
through and different thingsthat were going on in the office
at that point.
So, while they werewell-meaning, yeah, yeah, yeah,
(39:08):
you know, my parents werewell-meaning in that I didn't
wasn't witness to a lot of thearguing that led up to the
divorce and so, yes, of flippedmy life upside down.
Eight, yeah, I do.
(39:31):
I have an older brother, twoyounger sisters, and then I have
an older stepsister, olderstepbrother and a younger
stepbrother.
You know my older brother and I.
(40:04):
We were, you know, dealing withour own, you know resolutions
to the divorce and stuff likethat.
My younger sisters were both incar seats when that initially
started, so they don't have alot of memory of it.
Um, if any.
Um, and then my brother and um.
I lived in separate houses offand on growing up as well, so as
did my sisters and I.
But um, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,yeah, so, um, there's two
(41:11):
things that I like to start myday off with um, before anybody
else in the house is awake.
Um, which is usually a goodhour, hour and a half.
Um is um.
I have shifted to really try tocurate my social media, to feed
me what it is like a healthymindset, more positive content,
because there's a lot of garbageout there and since you know,
(41:34):
it's inevitable that at somepoint during the day I'm going
to be mindlessly scrolling onone of my socials, whether it be
for building my writingaudience or whatever it might be
, catching up with friends, yeah, yeah.
So you know, I like to findpositive news or positive quotes
(41:55):
or things like that, so feedingmy mind well.
And I also like to spend timein scripture in the mornings and
journal or just listen to music.
So, yeah, I like to try tospend time over coffee.
(42:17):
Just, my dog talks to me beforecoffee.
He's a little terrier mix, yeah, little eight pounder.
Absolutely, yeah, yeah, nope,absolutely.
(43:17):
So, yeah, I've got big plansfor myself.
(43:44):
So, um, I definitely want tostart my own podcast at some
point, um, and continue to, youknow, start getting my story out
there by being on more uh,podcasts.
Um, I also envision myselfdoing speaking engagements.
Not sure exactly what thatlooks like, but I, like I said,
(44:10):
I just am really beingintentional that's actually my
word of this year is intentional.
So if I say it a lot, you knowwhy.
About getting my words outthere, because I know for me,
when I was going through theheightened part of the binge
(44:31):
eating disorder, there reallywasn't a lot of resources out
there that I personally hadfound that I could relate to Not
the clinical side of it,because there's lots of stuff on
that end, but you know, Iremember I heard a lot more
about the restrictive side.
So I feel like having more ofthis type of story out there.
(44:56):
It would have been helpful forme back in the day.
It would have been helpful forme back in the day.
So, yeah, yeah, oh yeah.
(45:38):
I, my heart's definitely on firefor Jesus.
Yeah, yeah, so I, yeah, so Imean, I like to tell people my
(45:59):
relationship with God has alwaysbeen complicated.
I spent a lot of years keepinghim more arm's length because I
felt like he may have failed me.
You know, because when you'regoing through those hard times,
it's hard to see the light atthe end of the tunnel, and so,
um, you know, I am very thankfulthat I have such a strong
(46:20):
relationship with my faith atthis stage.
It's what gets me through anyhard moments.
So, mm-hmm, yeah, mm-hmm, yeah,yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,
(47:53):
yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,yeah.
(48:31):
Well, first I have been whereyou are, you know, um, where I
felt like I was abandoned, um,during some very hard times, um,
and now I have a much greaterunderstanding that I don't.
I don't, not one that believesthat.
You know, god necessarily wantsus to go through certain types
of traumas like that, but hewill use our story for a greater
(48:55):
purpose.
Yeah, and you know where I didhave a turn, and there were
certainly bumps along the way,even since, um, up until about a
few years ago, when I reallyjust you know, became more
(49:17):
dedicated and engrossed in myfaith.
Um, I, it was the day of my lastsuicide attempt, when I was 28.
Um, I was, you know, I wassitting in the middle of my
living room, um, with a plan inplace to take my life, and I
(49:41):
made a deal, if you will, withGod in that moment, that I was
going to reach out to a friendof mine and that if she answered
the phone I wouldn't go throughwith it.
But if she didn't answer thephone I would.
And she answered the phone andto me that was divine
(50:01):
intervention.
And to me that was divineintervention.
That was him saying, yeah, no,now is not your time.
(50:26):
So, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,
(50:59):
I've I.
I still bout with somedepression, not near to the
extent that I did growing up,and I've had no inkling of
wanting to harm myself.
It's been 18 years.
I think it's a combination ofboth.
I think he has lifted me up toreally show me how much strength
(51:22):
I really have within me.
You know, you know, because inthose moments you don't see that
about yourself.
All you see is that you'rebeing beat down and beat down
and it's like how much more canI take?
Right?
But I know I am stronger thanstrong and there's nothing that
(51:44):
I can't make it on the otherside of yeah, no, yeah, yeah,
(52:12):
yeah, yeah, yeah.
(52:34):
You know, just don't give up onyourself, regardless of what the
circumstances are.
You know there's resources outthere for when someone is ready
to take that next step.
Um, and the next right step isgoing to be defined by each
person, um, but yeah, we, wereally don't have to suffer in
(52:56):
silence in whatever we're goingthrough.
So, whatever we're goingthrough, so, exactly, exactly.
And you know, um, yeah, I just,I really hope I actually said a
prayer before we, we startedthis that my hope is that this
finds the ears that it needs sothat they can hear it.
(53:17):
Yeah, well, I appreciate that,thank you.
I'm in more of the early stages, so it will definitely be out
(53:37):
this year exactly.
I would love that.
(54:00):
Thank you, michelle.
I feel the same way about you,you too.
Bye-bye.
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