June 12, 2025 • 26 mins
🎙 Episode 3: Too Good to Be True
You know that moment when something seems just a little too perfect? Yeah—this episode lives there.
Shelly shares a wild tale from the California desert, where an ambitious restoration project turns larger-than-life in more ways than one. Archie spins a story about a slick-talking stranger and a so-called miracle fix that works a little too well. As always, the truth is flexible—and the fallout is worth the telling.
Also in this episode:
- Reflections on idealism, disappointment, and the warning signs we tend to ignore
- Porch philosophy from George Carlin and a wise old farmer
- One unexpected mascot, one chaotic sneeze, and one mysterious crate
đź’¬ Listener Vote:
Which tale tugged hardest on your “should’ve known better” nerve? Vote at notquiterightgoods.com/pages/two-frogs-talking or @notquiterightgoods on Instagram.
🛍 This Week’s Tee:
From Shelly’s Stick Figure series: “Oops. I accidentally watered my plants.”
A perfect fit for overgrown dreams and well-meaning mistakes.
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Shelly (00:01):
Okay.
I'm ready to go.
When?
Ralph, Ralph.
Ralph?
No.
Come back here.
No.
Come.
Ralph.
Oh man.
That smells.
Archie (00:09):
Oh, oh.
Oh dear.
Um, alright.
I, I guess we're, uh, we're notstarting yet.
I'll just, uh, hold tight whileshe handles whatever that was.
Maybe we can play some, uh,interlude music.
Yeah.
Or I could tell some jokes.
Let's see.
(00:29):
Uh, uh, what's, uh.
Well, you know, I think we justgot all this, honestly, it's all
fine with me.
Yeah.
You know, um, Ralph's got a goodheart, big heart.
He, he just forgets his trainingevery now and then, which is
kind of funny when you thinkabout it.
'cause uh, you know, Shellyminored in animal behavior and
(00:51):
uh, now she runs a whole doggrooming and boarding business.
Uh, you'd think that dog wouldbe walking in the straight line
with a resume by now, but nope.
He's got energy like a bustedsprinkler and, uh, the instincts
of a possum on espresso.
So, picture that.
Still, he's, uh, he's loyal andhe means well, which honestly.
(01:14):
That's all any of us can hopefor.
Shelly (01:16):
Oh, oh, okay.
Where were we?
Okay, I'm back.
I'm back.
You won't believe this.
Archie (01:22):
Alright.
Welcome back.
Shelly (01:23):
He had a dead duck, a whole actual dead duck in his
mouth.
He dragged it through the dogdoor.
Archie (01:28):
Uh, where did he get a duck from?
Shelly (01:31):
They come from the estuary.
This time of year to make nests,but not usually in my yard.
My yard's the size of a postagestamp and it doesn't have a
pool.
They like pools.
Archie (01:43):
Did Ralph?
Uh,
Shelly (01:46):
No.
I don't know what caused itdemise, but it's been Okay.
long dead, and Ralph was nothappy about giving it up.
Archie (01:55):
Oops.
So you had to wrestle a deaddecaying duck from Ralph?
Shelly (01:59):
Oh, no, no.
He, he took it to the couch andhe was lying beside it.
Archie (02:06):
Oh.
Like when he gets a new toy?
Shelly (02:07):
Exactly like that.
But new toys don't smell likethat did.
Archie (02:13):
Was it bad?
Shelly (02:15):
Oh god, it's horrendous.
I think he wallowed all over itbefore bringing it inside.
Archie (02:20):
Oh no.
Shelly (02:20):
I've locked him in the bathroom and until I can give
him a bath.
Archie (02:24):
Did you wanna just go ahead and take care of that now?
We can always circle No,
Shelly (02:26):
I cannot deal with it right now.
The couch is going to need acleaning too.
Archie (02:31):
Okay.
You see now this is why I don'thave pets, okay?
Don't get me wrong.
I love animals in all forms,but, but taking care of a thing
is a responsibility I don'twant.
Especially cleaning up after.
Shelly (02:42):
Well right now I am definitely rethinking my
decisions.
Archie (02:46):
Alright, well, hey, take a deep breath.
All right.
If you need to, whoosah saw andall that.
If we're in no rush to start.
Shelly (02:52):
Well, I don't wanna take a breath too deep.
There are dead duck particleseverywhere.
Archie (02:57):
Alright, well in, in that case, you might wanna pull
out a face mask.
Maybe just a little airfiltration.
Shelly (03:01):
Oh, well that might mess with the audio.
I shut the kitchen door and Isprayed a ton of air freshener
in here.
It smells like I'm sitting in alavender field.
Archie (03:10):
Well, all right.
Sounds like you got it in hand.
Yeah.
Oh, you know, this reminds me ofthe time when, when, uh, Ralph,
he was just a pup and he got tooclose to that skunk that
wandered across your path.
Shelly (03:22):
Oh.
It wasn't just Ralph that gotskunked.
It was me too.
Oh, poor thing.
That skunk.
It was just sitting thereminding its own business and we
come around the bend and scaredto death.
Ralph shoots ahead of me on theleash before I can stop him and
got full force in the face.
I was a bit back luckily, but agust of winds decided to happen
(03:44):
exactly at that moment.
And wafted a cloud of skunk muskright towards me.
Thank God for DoorDash.
I didn't have to go outshopping.
I mean, could you imagine?
Archie (03:59):
Nope.
Nope.
But uh, I bet you wouldn't havehad to have stood on any lines.
Shelly (04:03):
Why?
Archie (04:04):
Uh,'cause your new perfume would've cleared'em all
out as it was.
I bet that was some, some order.
Shelly (04:10):
I'm sure that Dasher was very confused to see an order of
10 bottles of tomato juice andindustrial sized hydrogen
peroxide.
To this day, I can't drinktomato juice.
It's all tied up into skunksmell.
Archie (04:25):
Hmm.
I, I can see how that would bean unpleasant olfactory memory.
Shelly (04:29):
That is an understatement.
Archie (04:31):
Yeah, well, uh, should we kick things off now that
Ralph is in a secure location?
Shelly (04:37):
Okay, sounds good.
Hi there.
I'm Shelly.
Archie (04:42):
And I'm Archie.
Shelly (04:43):
And this is, and
Archie (04:44):
this is Two Frogs
Shelly (04:47):
Frogs.
Talking,
Archie (04:47):
Talking,
Shelly (04:48):
one part telling and tales one part talking life.
All parts,
Archie (04:54):
all parts.
Shelly (04:54):
A bit,
Archie (04:55):
a bit,
Shelly (04:56):
not,
Archie (04:56):
not quite, quite right.
Shelly (04:59):
Okay.
Before we get into the stories,we've got some light
housekeeping to do.
Archie (05:07):
Yeah, that's right.
First off, I have gone first thelast two episodes,
Shelly (05:11):
which wasn't a plan, it just sorta happened.
Archie (05:14):
Mm-hmm.
But going forward, we'reswitching it up.
Shelly's got first dibs on thetale telling today.
Shelly (05:20):
Also, if you ever thought, wow, this podcast feels
weirdly organized.
It's not us.
That's Miley, our producer.
Archie (05:29):
Mm-hmm.
We submit our stories and quotesbased on the theme she's pulled
out of a hat.
And she gives us a little scripteach week.
It helps us with the pacing andmaking sure we remember to
mention the merch, and it keepsus from spinning off into
tangents about vintage sodamachines and all that.
Oops.
Yeah, well point is she keeps usin line and crafts the closing
(05:50):
lines so everything ties in.
Shelly (05:52):
We are not fast enough on our feet for that.
Archie (05:55):
Nope.
Aspirations.
Shelly (05:57):
Alright, housekeeping, done.
You ready for a story?
Archie (06:01):
Uh, first we, we gotta tell folks the theme for this
week.
Shelly (06:06):
Yep.
It's right there in the script.
Skipped right over it.
Mm-hmm.
Sorry.
Arch.
Archie (06:11):
Yeah.
I believe that's called, uh,stepping on my lines.
Shelly (06:15):
Stepped right over them.
Archie (06:17):
Yeah, it's all right.
We can go back.
Folks, today's theme is too Goodto be True." Shelly's up first.
Shelly (06:27):
Should I read my line or just jump into it?
Archie (06:30):
Beats me.
Shelly (06:31):
I think I'll just start.
Archie (06:33):
Yeah.
Yeah.
Okay.
Hit, hit me.
Shelly (06:35):
So I joined this desert restoration group a couple of
falls ago, even though I hadsome misgivings, well, actually
I had a lot of misgivings.
Archie (06:47):
Well, that's, uh, not usual for you.
Shelly (06:50):
No, but this time I feel like I earned them.
I mean, she, Ann, the group'sleader, she tells people she's
Paul Bunyan's great grandniecelike with a straight face.
Like it's, it's a resumecredential.
Archie (07:05):
That, that, that's ambitious.
Yeah.
Shelly (07:08):
Right.
Archie (07:08):
Hmm.
Shelly (07:09):
I figured it was like branding or something, like
calling yourself a Viking tosell beard oil.
But she meant it.
She said it like she expected asalute.
Archie (07:19):
Hmm.
Shelly (07:19):
And then there was the storytelling.
Archie (07:22):
Oh no.
Shelly (07:23):
Every time I asked a simple question, I got a saga.
I called to ask what time wewere supposed to arrive, and she
launched into this whole thingabout how a road runner once led
her to a buried shovel, forgedfrom meteorite fragments.
Archie (07:38):
All that, just to say eight o'clock.
Shelly (07:40):
Exactly.
I didn't even get a straightanswer about lunch, just a tale,
about a rattlesnake that cookedits own eggs on a hot rock.
I started to wonder if I wasjoining a science-based group or
an improv troupe with sunhats.
Archie (07:53):
So you went anyway.
Shelly (07:55):
I did, my friend convinced me, said the niece was
weird, but legit.
That she got results and, andthe work they did really helped
the desert.
And I mean, she was organized.
She had maps, schedules,everything was color coded.
But also there was a tortoise, agiant tortoise, which she
(08:16):
casually referred to as herfield assistant.
Archie (08:20):
Uhhuh.
Well, I mean, Paul Bunyan hadhis ox.
Shelly (08:22):
Uh, it's a good point.
Archie (08:25):
Well, how about before you delve into your story, you
tell the folks who don't knowabout Paul Bunyan or, or those
who may need a bit of brushingup about him.
Shelly (08:33):
Okay, so Paul Bunyan's this giant lumberjack from
American folklore, like giant,giant.
He made the Grand Canyon,dragging his ax behind him.
Had a blue ox named Babe thatwas the size of a mountain
range.
He was known for solving bigproblems by being well bigger.
(08:57):
Need a force cleared.
Paul could do it beforebreakfast.
Need a lake, he'd make one bysweating a mosquito.
He's basically the tall taleblueprint for go big or go
home."
Archie (09:09):
That sounds about right, but I'm curious about the lake
being the result of an errantswat.
Shelly (09:14):
Okay, well, Ann told me that Paul once made a lake by
accident swatting a mosquito thesize of a barrel.
Apparently it bit him right onthe neck while he was trying to
dam up a river, and he swattedso hard he hit the ground with
his open palm and left a craterthe size of a county.
(09:37):
Two hours later, the riverrerouted itself and filled it
right up.
Ann said it's still there tothis day, just sitting there in
the shape of Paul's hand.
Archie (09:50):
I don't know what's wilder, a mosquito the size of a
barrel, or the fact that Annsaid it like it was on a map.
Shelly (09:57):
Now imagine someone claiming to be related to that.
Archie (10:01):
It's a bit of a stretch, I admit.
Shelly (10:03):
On top of her turning everything into a story.
Archie (10:06):
Uh, well now let's not be too harsh about storytelling.
I, I know a couple of beings whodo just that.
Shelly (10:12):
Okay.
I like to tell a good tale.
That's true.
But short of this podcast andthe front porch, I try to keep
my storytelling in check.
Archie (10:19):
I'm just saying, don't begrudge a person a good story.
Shelly (10:22):
And I'm saying there's a time and a place.
I mean, she's worse than UncleFrank when he gets you cornered.
Archie (10:28):
Oh, okay.
Well now, now I see.
I mean, if she's got yourcornered, did she at least tell
you anything good?
Shelly (10:35):
I'm trying to get the details for this meetup.
Hmm.
And she starts in on how atortoise saved her from her
brush fire once.
Tortoise.
She said it bulldozed throughthe flames with a wet blanket on
its shell.
Came out of nowhere and has beenwith her ever since.
Archie (10:51):
I can't imagine the picking up you'd have to do
after a giant tortoise.
Shelly (10:55):
I know.
And I thought she was justtrying to sound epic.
I mean, the scale of what shewas proposing and the giant
tortoise as our mobility unitand brush assistance sounded too
good to be true.
Archie (11:08):
Why'd you go then?
Shelly (11:09):
I figured if this weird, enthusiastic group could make a
dent and desert erosion and havea tortoise mascot, I'd be lucky
to be a part of it.
So I looked past the mistimedfolklore and all the big talk
and signed up.
The day of the project.
We're out near the Mojavedigging rain channels and
planting drought tolerantgrasses.
(11:32):
She shows up riding a gianttortoise.
Archie (11:36):
You're joking.
Shelly (11:37):
I wish this thing was the size of a four wheeler.
She rolls up like it'scompletely normal.
Hands everyone, these shovelhybrid tools that were basically
snowboards with handles.
Archie (11:50):
Does it have a name?
The tortoise?
Shelly (11:52):
Yeah.
Tank.
Archie (11:53):
That seems appropriate.
Shelly (11:54):
Mm-hmm.
The first day went great.
Archie (11:57):
Mm-hmm.
Shelly (11:57):
Tank hauled, gear cleared, brush, boosted morale,
just like Anne said he would.
Everyone was enthusiastic,working hard, even Ann, and she
turned out to be really with itas promised.
She was organized, motivational,hardworking.
Archie (12:11):
So first impressions aren't always the right
impression.
Shelly (12:14):
You've got me there.
Anyway, the first day goeswithout a hitch.
Then disaster struck on thesecond day.
Archie (12:24):
Lemme guess.
Tortoise related.
Shelly (12:26):
Yep.
Mm-hmm.
All of us were gathered at themess tent getting breakfast.
I'm standing there with coffeein one hand, waiting my turn for
the oatmeal, and that's when ithappened.
Tank.
Sneezed loud.
Sounded like a tire poppinghard.
We all jumped.
(12:47):
Some of us even dropped what wewere holding.
Archie (12:49):
That startled.
Huh?
Shelly (12:50):
More than startled.
I said it was like a tirepopping.
But that's the closest thing Ican think of.
I mean, I've never heardanything like it or as loud.
It came close to damagingeardrums.
Lord.
But hurt hearing was the leastof our problems.
Archie (13:05):
Oh, no.
Shelly (13:06):
Tank managed, with the force of its sneeze, to knock
over the supply tent and scatteranything that was inside of it,
which included most of our watersupply.
Archie (13:16):
Oh, well that's one way to call it a day.
Shelly (13:19):
Plus the sneeze wasn't a dry one.
Archie (13:23):
Oh Lord.
A wet sneeze.
Shelly (13:26):
Very, everything was covered with tortoise mucus.
Archie (13:32):
Oh, now that's a sight to imagine.
Shelly (13:33):
Yeah, it was pretty slimy.
Nothing was salvageable.
I'm just glad Tank was pointedin the direction of the supply
tent, not the mess tent.
Things could have turned out alot differently.
Archie (13:44):
You mean there were no contingencies for, uh, tortoise
born disasters.
Shelly (13:48):
None.
Archie (13:49):
Huh?
You know, I, I wonder, uh, howhard tortoise mucus is to wipe
off.
Shelly (13:54):
I didn't stick around to find out.
Archie (13:56):
Oh,
Shelly (13:57):
I decided that was my cue to tap out.
Okay.
I left early, sunburned thirstyand deeply troubled, but before
I left Ann handed me a patchwith a picture of tank that
said,"Plant Big, or Go Home
Archie (14:11):
A little something to commemorate your experience.
Shelly (14:14):
It's on my bulletin board next to a bumper sticker
that says"Do Less Bad." Mm-hmm.
I don't know why, but they feellike they go together.
Archie (14:21):
All right.
So Tank wasn't too good to betrue.
You saw'em with your own eyes.
So, uh, what's the connection tothe theme?
Shelly (14:29):
The promise of what Tank could do combined with the scale
of the plans.
It sounded wild, but purposeful.
I don't know.
Maybe the scale was the purpose?
Either way.
It was all too good to be true.
I mean, Tank was the kind ofsolution that made people start
clapping before they could eventhink it through.
I mean, really, you should haveseen the mess.
Archie (14:50):
I gotta say, Shelly, I, I'm kind of surprised you didn't
stay to help clean up.
Shelly (14:53):
It would've been a nice thing to do, but there were
plenty of hands to help out, andthe work we were doing was
canceled.
I made sure I wasn't neededbefore I headed out.
Archie (15:02):
I just didn't want the listeners to get the wrong
impression.
Shelly (15:05):
Well, I appreciate that.
I think that sometimes too manyhelpers can get in the way of
the doing.
Archie (15:11):
Well, you're not wrong about that.
Hey, you remember that summerwhen maw maw's dock got taken
out by some yahoo on the riverback before she moved in with
Uncle Frank and Aunt Evelyn?
Shelly (15:22):
Oh yeah.
Oh, I missed that incident.
Yeah, but I was there for therebuilding.
Archie (15:28):
So was the whole family course, and everyone wanted to
help.
Shelly (15:33):
And everybody, well the adults, had their own idea how
best to get things done.
Archie (15:38):
Mm-hmm.
I remember waiting around to betold what to do while the
grownups debated whose way wasthe best way.
Shelly (15:45):
Then we got bored and the adults got distracted and
Archie (15:50):
Billie wasn't there.
Shelly (15:52):
Yeah.
To keep us in check.
Archie (15:55):
Well, yeah, I don't know.
It, I, I think it made, it mighthave also happened if, if Billy.
Were there.
I mean, he could get a wild hairup his butt every so often.
Shelly (16:07):
Yeah.
That he could.
Archie (16:09):
Right.
Shelly (16:10):
But I do think he would've seen our plan for the
disaster It was before we put itinto action.
Archie (16:16):
Yeah.
You mean racing down the hill tothe river and two old tires that
were supposed to be swings, butno one got around to putting
them up.
Oh, that was a fantastic idea.
Shelly (16:25):
Until Dylan hit the water and couldn't unfold
himself out of the tire.
He had jammed his gangly13-year-old body all tight up in
there.
Archie (16:33):
Yeah, well see.
We didn't plan on the tirerolling once it hit the river.
We thought it'd just come to astop once it hit.
Shelly (16:39):
I mean, momentum is a thing.
Archie (16:41):
Yeah.
Well, luckily I got tossed outtamy tire'cause I, I was a lot
smaller than Dylan, remember.
I was only 11.
Mm-hmm.
And, uh, oh, I, I, I do rememberI was able to get to him and
hold him up before he sank.
Shelly (16:53):
Whew.
Archie (16:54):
Mm-hmm.
Shelly (16:54):
Man, did we hear it for that stunt.
Archie (16:58):
Oh, yes.
Shelly (16:59):
Oh, and the punishment.
No.
Unsupervised free time.
The whole visit.
It seems so excessive.
Archie (17:06):
Yeah.
Well now, you know, they wereprobably more scared than angry.
I, I think the thought of losinganother young one sent them into
hysterics.
Shelly (17:14):
Well, of course it did, but at the time, it seemed so
over the top.
When I got old enough to knowbetter, the memory played out a
bit differently.
Archie (17:24):
Yeah, I, I think everything landed a bit
differently after Billy's crash.
I mean, there's definitely a, abefore time when the, the
grownups seemed looser andcontent to let us just be kids.
And then there was an after timewhen the, uh, rains got a little
tighter.
Shelly (17:39):
Hmm.
Maw-maw did make things betterthat day.
Or tried.
Archie (17:44):
Oh.
Oh, the lemonade.
Shelly (17:46):
Oh, she handed poor Dylan a big old glass of it to
settle his nerves.
Yeah.
And he took that big old swig.
Archie (17:54):
Right?
And then he spit it right outall over maw-maw.
You remember the look on hisface.
Shelly (18:00):
Uncle Frank was infuriated at him for soaking
her with lemonade, but she waslaughing.
Archie (18:07):
And we couldn't figure out why until she said, oh, of
course the boy spit it out.
I must have made it with saltinstead of sugar.
Tastes like the ocean with atwisted lemon, twisted a lemon.
Shelly (18:20):
I can still see her standing on the porch, the front
of her soaked.
And Dylan looking even morecowed than when he was pulled
from the river.
Archie (18:28):
Yeah.
You know what, Dylan alwayswould take little taster sips of
his drink before going full inafter that lesson learned.
Shelly (18:36):
A lesson learned.
Yeah.
Oh man.
And another family story.
Oh yeah.
Maybe we should actually getaround to your story.
Archie (18:46):
Mm.
Shelly (18:47):
Are you ready to share your tale
Archie (18:49):
week?
I'm, I am indeed.
Shelly (18:52):
Then go for it.
Archie (18:53):
Alright.
Alright, now I picture this,it's about 10 years back, right
early spring and this, uh,smooth talking fella, he rolls
into town in a powder bluecamper van that has solutions
for the sole hand painted on theside of it.
Shelly (19:12):
Well, I didn't know that souls needed solutions, but
okay.
Archie (19:15):
Mm-hmm.
He had this silver mustache anda briefcase full of tiny
bottles, and he had the kind ofvoice that could make you think,
you know, maybe I should bebuying pine scented foot bomb at
this gas station.
Shelly (19:30):
So he could sell water to the ocean.
Archie (19:33):
Exactly.
Yeah.
Now those little bottles, he hadcontained what he called rev
oil.
He said it fixed engines, brokenlocks, back pain, dry sinuses
even fixed one bad neighbor'sattitude.
Shelly (19:47):
Wait like one oil for everything.
Archie (19:49):
For everything.
You could put it in your truckor your teapot and wouldn't, you
know, it actually worked andfolks were amazed.
I even tried it on Betsy, andlemme tell you, she stopped
coughing and she ran quieterthan I'd heard in years.
It was like she'd been given aspa day.
Shelly (20:06):
Well, that sounds excellent, but I'm guessing it
doesn't stay that way.
Archie (20:13):
And you'd be right.
You see things started workingtoo well.
Ceiling fans turned into windtunnels.
Drills, little hand drills, ranwith such force that you'd run
the risk of drilling a hole toChina.
How about this, garage doorsopen with such ease that they
(20:35):
hit the back of the track andreversed course to close again.
Shelly (20:39):
It's that momentum thing again.
Archie (20:41):
Yeah.
And there's more.
Okay.
Washing machines, they spin sofast, they lifted it off the
ground during the spin cycle.
Screen doors became so efficientthat they slammed shut before a
person could walk through.
Rocking chairs, they rockednonstop, but they didn't squeak.
Mm-hmm.
And that's just what happened tofolks in town.
(21:03):
Wait till you hear about whathappened to the town.
Shelly (21:05):
I'm a little concerned for everyone's safety.
Archie (21:08):
Yeah, that's reasonable.
Considering what folks wereexperiencing.
Shelly (21:11):
What happened to the town?
Archie (21:13):
Well, for one.
The community gardens overranits plot and started taking over
the elementary schoolplayground.
Town vending machines, shot outdrinks at all hours.
The church bell rang wheneveranyone told to lie in a three
mile radius.
And traffic lights, well, theyshined so bright, folks couldn't
look directly at them, whichI'll tell you isn't helpful at
(21:36):
all.
Shelly (21:36):
Mm.
So the miracle became a menace.
Archie (21:39):
Pretty much.
Yeah.
And just when the mayhem hitfull force, the salesman
vanished.
No warning, no refund policy.
Just a note inside a woodencrate that appeared outside town
hall.
It said,"caution apply only ifyou want what you think you
want."
Shelly (21:57):
That sounds ominous.
And also oddly deep.
Archie (22:02):
Mm-hmm.
I, I held on to one of thoseunopened bottles.
It's still sitting on my shelf.
I figure one day I'll need tofix something or, uh, to grow a
tomato plant that fights back.
Shelly (22:13):
I wonder if that salesman still roams the
highways pedaling his magic oilsand mysterious crates.
Archie (22:19):
Well, if he does, I hope he's got a new tagline.
You know, something like,"you'lllove it until you don't."
Shelly (22:24):
Yeah.
"Solutions for the soul" doesn'treally ring very true.
Archie (22:28):
Uhuh.
We needed solutions for theproblems the oil created, but
another lesson learned.
Shelly (22:34):
I hope so.
All right, well, from DesertTortoises to supercharged tomato
plants, I think we've coveredthe full range of"too good to be
true."
Archie (22:44):
Mm-hmm.
Moral of the story, if somethingshows up looking shiny and
effortless, there's probably agiant reptile or a cursed bottle
of oil involved.
Shelly (22:53):
Or both.
Archie (22:55):
Better hope not both.
Think of the mucus.
Shelly (22:58):
Archie.
Archie (22:59):
I'm just saying.
Shelly (23:00):
And now we're gonna move on.
It's quote time.
Archie (23:03):
Alright, quote time.
Something to stir the pot whileit's still hot.
What do you have for Shell?
Shelly (23:08):
Well, I've brought one from a modern philosopher,
George Carlin.
Archie (23:12):
Uh, wasn't he a comedian?
Shelly (23:14):
Yeah.
But also deeply philosophical.
Beneath the humor andsubversiveness, he had some
nuggets.
One of them was:"inside everycynical person there is a
disappointed idealist."
Archie (23:27):
Now, why'd you choose that one?
I wouldn't call you cynical ordisappointed.
Shelly (23:31):
Well, I mean, I walked away feeling a bit disappointed
and I certainly idealized thesituation, which set me up for
cynicism.
Archie (23:40):
But you still feel that way?
Shelly (23:42):
No, I, I see the experience for what it was, a
beautiful idea with a gianttortoise sized flaw.
Archie (23:50):
Well, all right.
My, my quote for today is, uh,from an old farmer, I, I knew
once who said,"if a miracleshows up uninvited, check your
valuables."
Shelly (24:02):
Okay.
Well, that farmer is spot on.
Was he around for the snake oilsalesman?
Archie (24:07):
No, I think he was the only one in town trying to warn
folks.
Shelly (24:11):
Oh.
Like Cassandra, being able totell the future, but being
doomed to not being believed.
Archie (24:16):
An ancient Greek reference.
Shelly (24:18):
Well, we, classical studies majors are known to toss
those around every now and then.
Archie (24:24):
It always takes me a little bit by surprise when you
drop one of those.
But in a good way, man, thoseancient Greeks sure could tell a
tale.
Shelly (24:32):
You're not wrong about that.
Archie (24:34):
Hmm.
And I like to think so can we.
So what do you think, listeners?
Now it's your turn to weigh in.
Who told the taller tale?
Head over to our Instagram polland vote.
But uh, give us a few minutes toget the poll posted.
You'll find us at not quiteright
Shelly (24:52):
whose tail hit hardest for you?
Was it Archie with hismysterious miracle oil and high
efficiency chaos,
Archie (24:59):
or Shelly in her tortoise riding trench digging?
Possibly mythical projectleader.
Shelly (25:06):
And if you want to grab a bit of nonsense guaranteed to
lighten your mood, head over tonot quite right goods.com.
Archie (25:13):
Uh, this week's merch pick comes from the Stick Figure
Collection in honor of Shelly'sdesert experience.
It says,"oops, I accidentallywatered my plants."
Shelly (25:27):
Tank tanks certainly accidentally watered the desert,
but it was more of an oil slickthan a watering.
Archie (25:34):
Ooh.
You know, I wonder if there'sany nutritional element to
tortoise snot.
Shelly (25:38):
Arch.
Ugh, gross.
Archie (25:40):
I gross.
What if it was good for thedesert plants?
Shelly (25:44):
I can't even with you and the mucus.
Thanks again to Miley forkeeping us mostly on track this
week.
Archie (25:51):
And to Ralph for the, uh, cold open material.
Shelly (25:57):
Wait did Miley add that while we were recording.
Archie (26:00):
I think she must have.
Shelly (26:01):
I guess we're keeping it in.
Archie (26:02):
Mm-hmm.
Seems like it.
Shelly (26:04):
Well.
Thanks for sitting with us awhile.
Mm-hmm.
Archie (26:07):
Yeah.
You're always welcome on theporch for two.
Shelly (26:11):
Two
Archie (26:12):
Frogs.
Shelly (26:13):
Frogs.
Archie (26:14):
Talking.
Shelly (26:15):
Talking.
Bye.
Bye.
Okay.
I'm ready to go.
When?
Ralph, Ralph.
Ralph?
No.
Come back here.
No.
Come.
Ralph.
Oh man.
That smells.
Archie (00:09):
Oh, oh.
Oh dear.
Um, alright.
I, I guess we're, uh, we're notstarting yet.
I'll just, uh, hold tight whileshe handles whatever that was.
Maybe we can play some, uh,interlude music.
Yeah.
Or I could tell some jokes.
Let's see.
(00:29):
Uh, uh, what's, uh.
Well, you know, I think we justgot all this, honestly, it's all
fine with me.
Yeah.
You know, um, Ralph's got a goodheart, big heart.
He, he just forgets his trainingevery now and then, which is
kind of funny when you thinkabout it.
'cause uh, you know, Shellyminored in animal behavior and
(00:51):
uh, now she runs a whole doggrooming and boarding business.
Uh, you'd think that dog wouldbe walking in the straight line
with a resume by now, but nope.
He's got energy like a bustedsprinkler and, uh, the instincts
of a possum on espresso.
So, picture that.
Still, he's, uh, he's loyal andhe means well, which honestly.
(01:14):
That's all any of us can hopefor.
Shelly (01:16):
Oh, oh, okay.
Where were we?
Okay, I'm back.
I'm back.
You won't believe this.
Archie (01:22):
Alright.
Welcome back.
Shelly (01:23):
He had a dead duck, a whole actual dead duck in his
mouth.
He dragged it through the dogdoor.
Archie (01:28):
Uh, where did he get a duck from?
Shelly (01:31):
They come from the estuary.
This time of year to make nests,but not usually in my yard.
My yard's the size of a postagestamp and it doesn't have a
pool.
They like pools.
Archie (01:43):
Did Ralph?
Uh,
Shelly (01:46):
No.
I don't know what caused itdemise, but it's been Okay.
long dead, and Ralph was nothappy about giving it up.
Archie (01:55):
Oops.
So you had to wrestle a deaddecaying duck from Ralph?
Shelly (01:59):
Oh, no, no.
He, he took it to the couch andhe was lying beside it.
Archie (02:06):
Oh.
Like when he gets a new toy?
Shelly (02:07):
Exactly like that.
But new toys don't smell likethat did.
Archie (02:13):
Was it bad?
Shelly (02:15):
Oh god, it's horrendous.
I think he wallowed all over itbefore bringing it inside.
Archie (02:20):
Oh no.
Shelly (02:20):
I've locked him in the bathroom and until I can give
him a bath.
Archie (02:24):
Did you wanna just go ahead and take care of that now?
We can always circle No,
Shelly (02:26):
I cannot deal with it right now.
The couch is going to need acleaning too.
Archie (02:31):
Okay.
You see now this is why I don'thave pets, okay?
Don't get me wrong.
I love animals in all forms,but, but taking care of a thing
is a responsibility I don'twant.
Especially cleaning up after.
Shelly (02:42):
Well right now I am definitely rethinking my
decisions.
Archie (02:46):
Alright, well, hey, take a deep breath.
All right.
If you need to, whoosah saw andall that.
If we're in no rush to start.
Shelly (02:52):
Well, I don't wanna take a breath too deep.
There are dead duck particleseverywhere.
Archie (02:57):
Alright, well in, in that case, you might wanna pull
out a face mask.
Maybe just a little airfiltration.
Shelly (03:01):
Oh, well that might mess with the audio.
I shut the kitchen door and Isprayed a ton of air freshener
in here.
It smells like I'm sitting in alavender field.
Archie (03:10):
Well, all right.
Sounds like you got it in hand.
Yeah.
Oh, you know, this reminds me ofthe time when, when, uh, Ralph,
he was just a pup and he got tooclose to that skunk that
wandered across your path.
Shelly (03:22):
Oh.
It wasn't just Ralph that gotskunked.
It was me too.
Oh, poor thing.
That skunk.
It was just sitting thereminding its own business and we
come around the bend and scaredto death.
Ralph shoots ahead of me on theleash before I can stop him and
got full force in the face.
I was a bit back luckily, but agust of winds decided to happen
(03:44):
exactly at that moment.
And wafted a cloud of skunk muskright towards me.
Thank God for DoorDash.
I didn't have to go outshopping.
I mean, could you imagine?
Archie (03:59):
Nope.
Nope.
But uh, I bet you wouldn't havehad to have stood on any lines.
Shelly (04:03):
Why?
Archie (04:04):
Uh,'cause your new perfume would've cleared'em all
out as it was.
I bet that was some, some order.
Shelly (04:10):
I'm sure that Dasher was very confused to see an order of
10 bottles of tomato juice andindustrial sized hydrogen
peroxide.
To this day, I can't drinktomato juice.
It's all tied up into skunksmell.
Archie (04:25):
Hmm.
I, I can see how that would bean unpleasant olfactory memory.
Shelly (04:29):
That is an understatement.
Archie (04:31):
Yeah, well, uh, should we kick things off now that
Ralph is in a secure location?
Shelly (04:37):
Okay, sounds good.
Hi there.
I'm Shelly.
Archie (04:42):
And I'm Archie.
Shelly (04:43):
And this is, and
Archie (04:44):
this is Two Frogs
Shelly (04:47):
Frogs.
Talking,
Archie (04:47):
Talking,
Shelly (04:48):
one part telling and tales one part talking life.
All parts,
Archie (04:54):
all parts.
Shelly (04:54):
A bit,
Archie (04:55):
a bit,
Shelly (04:56):
not,
Archie (04:56):
not quite, quite right.
Shelly (04:59):
Okay.
Before we get into the stories,we've got some light
housekeeping to do.
Archie (05:07):
Yeah, that's right.
First off, I have gone first thelast two episodes,
Shelly (05:11):
which wasn't a plan, it just sorta happened.
Archie (05:14):
Mm-hmm.
But going forward, we'reswitching it up.
Shelly's got first dibs on thetale telling today.
Shelly (05:20):
Also, if you ever thought, wow, this podcast feels
weirdly organized.
It's not us.
That's Miley, our producer.
Archie (05:29):
Mm-hmm.
We submit our stories and quotesbased on the theme she's pulled
out of a hat.
And she gives us a little scripteach week.
It helps us with the pacing andmaking sure we remember to
mention the merch, and it keepsus from spinning off into
tangents about vintage sodamachines and all that.
Oops.
Yeah, well point is she keeps usin line and crafts the closing
(05:50):
lines so everything ties in.
Shelly (05:52):
We are not fast enough on our feet for that.
Archie (05:55):
Nope.
Aspirations.
Shelly (05:57):
Alright, housekeeping, done.
You ready for a story?
Archie (06:01):
Uh, first we, we gotta tell folks the theme for this
week.
Shelly (06:06):
Yep.
It's right there in the script.
Skipped right over it.
Mm-hmm.
Sorry.
Arch.
Archie (06:11):
Yeah.
I believe that's called, uh,stepping on my lines.
Shelly (06:15):
Stepped right over them.
Archie (06:17):
Yeah, it's all right.
We can go back.
Folks, today's theme is too Goodto be True." Shelly's up first.
Shelly (06:27):
Should I read my line or just jump into it?
Archie (06:30):
Beats me.
Shelly (06:31):
I think I'll just start.
Archie (06:33):
Yeah.
Yeah.
Okay.
Hit, hit me.
Shelly (06:35):
So I joined this desert restoration group a couple of
falls ago, even though I hadsome misgivings, well, actually
I had a lot of misgivings.
Archie (06:47):
Well, that's, uh, not usual for you.
Shelly (06:50):
No, but this time I feel like I earned them.
I mean, she, Ann, the group'sleader, she tells people she's
Paul Bunyan's great grandniecelike with a straight face.
Like it's, it's a resumecredential.
Archie (07:05):
That, that, that's ambitious.
Yeah.
Shelly (07:08):
Right.
Archie (07:08):
Hmm.
Shelly (07:09):
I figured it was like branding or something, like
calling yourself a Viking tosell beard oil.
But she meant it.
She said it like she expected asalute.
Archie (07:19):
Hmm.
Shelly (07:19):
And then there was the storytelling.
Archie (07:22):
Oh no.
Shelly (07:23):
Every time I asked a simple question, I got a saga.
I called to ask what time wewere supposed to arrive, and she
launched into this whole thingabout how a road runner once led
her to a buried shovel, forgedfrom meteorite fragments.
Archie (07:38):
All that, just to say eight o'clock.
Shelly (07:40):
Exactly.
I didn't even get a straightanswer about lunch, just a tale,
about a rattlesnake that cookedits own eggs on a hot rock.
I started to wonder if I wasjoining a science-based group or
an improv troupe with sunhats.
Archie (07:53):
So you went anyway.
Shelly (07:55):
I did, my friend convinced me, said the niece was
weird, but legit.
That she got results and, andthe work they did really helped
the desert.
And I mean, she was organized.
She had maps, schedules,everything was color coded.
But also there was a tortoise, agiant tortoise, which she
(08:16):
casually referred to as herfield assistant.
Archie (08:20):
Uhhuh.
Well, I mean, Paul Bunyan hadhis ox.
Shelly (08:22):
Uh, it's a good point.
Archie (08:25):
Well, how about before you delve into your story, you
tell the folks who don't knowabout Paul Bunyan or, or those
who may need a bit of brushingup about him.
Shelly (08:33):
Okay, so Paul Bunyan's this giant lumberjack from
American folklore, like giant,giant.
He made the Grand Canyon,dragging his ax behind him.
Had a blue ox named Babe thatwas the size of a mountain
range.
He was known for solving bigproblems by being well bigger.
(08:57):
Need a force cleared.
Paul could do it beforebreakfast.
Need a lake, he'd make one bysweating a mosquito.
He's basically the tall taleblueprint for go big or go
home."
Archie (09:09):
That sounds about right, but I'm curious about the lake
being the result of an errantswat.
Shelly (09:14):
Okay, well, Ann told me that Paul once made a lake by
accident swatting a mosquito thesize of a barrel.
Apparently it bit him right onthe neck while he was trying to
dam up a river, and he swattedso hard he hit the ground with
his open palm and left a craterthe size of a county.
(09:37):
Two hours later, the riverrerouted itself and filled it
right up.
Ann said it's still there tothis day, just sitting there in
the shape of Paul's hand.
Archie (09:50):
I don't know what's wilder, a mosquito the size of a
barrel, or the fact that Annsaid it like it was on a map.
Shelly (09:57):
Now imagine someone claiming to be related to that.
Archie (10:01):
It's a bit of a stretch, I admit.
Shelly (10:03):
On top of her turning everything into a story.
Archie (10:06):
Uh, well now let's not be too harsh about storytelling.
I, I know a couple of beings whodo just that.
Shelly (10:12):
Okay.
I like to tell a good tale.
That's true.
But short of this podcast andthe front porch, I try to keep
my storytelling in check.
Archie (10:19):
I'm just saying, don't begrudge a person a good story.
Shelly (10:22):
And I'm saying there's a time and a place.
I mean, she's worse than UncleFrank when he gets you cornered.
Archie (10:28):
Oh, okay.
Well now, now I see.
I mean, if she's got yourcornered, did she at least tell
you anything good?
Shelly (10:35):
I'm trying to get the details for this meetup.
Hmm.
And she starts in on how atortoise saved her from her
brush fire once.
Tortoise.
She said it bulldozed throughthe flames with a wet blanket on
its shell.
Came out of nowhere and has beenwith her ever since.
Archie (10:51):
I can't imagine the picking up you'd have to do
after a giant tortoise.
Shelly (10:55):
I know.
And I thought she was justtrying to sound epic.
I mean, the scale of what shewas proposing and the giant
tortoise as our mobility unitand brush assistance sounded too
good to be true.
Archie (11:08):
Why'd you go then?
Shelly (11:09):
I figured if this weird, enthusiastic group could make a
dent and desert erosion and havea tortoise mascot, I'd be lucky
to be a part of it.
So I looked past the mistimedfolklore and all the big talk
and signed up.
The day of the project.
We're out near the Mojavedigging rain channels and
planting drought tolerantgrasses.
(11:32):
She shows up riding a gianttortoise.
Archie (11:36):
You're joking.
Shelly (11:37):
I wish this thing was the size of a four wheeler.
She rolls up like it'scompletely normal.
Hands everyone, these shovelhybrid tools that were basically
snowboards with handles.
Archie (11:50):
Does it have a name?
The tortoise?
Shelly (11:52):
Yeah.
Tank.
Archie (11:53):
That seems appropriate.
Shelly (11:54):
Mm-hmm.
The first day went great.
Archie (11:57):
Mm-hmm.
Shelly (11:57):
Tank hauled, gear cleared, brush, boosted morale,
just like Anne said he would.
Everyone was enthusiastic,working hard, even Ann, and she
turned out to be really with itas promised.
She was organized, motivational,hardworking.
Archie (12:11):
So first impressions aren't always the right
impression.
Shelly (12:14):
You've got me there.
Anyway, the first day goeswithout a hitch.
Then disaster struck on thesecond day.
Archie (12:24):
Lemme guess.
Tortoise related.
Shelly (12:26):
Yep.
Mm-hmm.
All of us were gathered at themess tent getting breakfast.
I'm standing there with coffeein one hand, waiting my turn for
the oatmeal, and that's when ithappened.
Tank.
Sneezed loud.
Sounded like a tire poppinghard.
We all jumped.
(12:47):
Some of us even dropped what wewere holding.
Archie (12:49):
That startled.
Huh?
Shelly (12:50):
More than startled.
I said it was like a tirepopping.
But that's the closest thing Ican think of.
I mean, I've never heardanything like it or as loud.
It came close to damagingeardrums.
Lord.
But hurt hearing was the leastof our problems.
Archie (13:05):
Oh, no.
Shelly (13:06):
Tank managed, with the force of its sneeze, to knock
over the supply tent and scatteranything that was inside of it,
which included most of our watersupply.
Archie (13:16):
Oh, well that's one way to call it a day.
Shelly (13:19):
Plus the sneeze wasn't a dry one.
Archie (13:23):
Oh Lord.
A wet sneeze.
Shelly (13:26):
Very, everything was covered with tortoise mucus.
Archie (13:32):
Oh, now that's a sight to imagine.
Shelly (13:33):
Yeah, it was pretty slimy.
Nothing was salvageable.
I'm just glad Tank was pointedin the direction of the supply
tent, not the mess tent.
Things could have turned out alot differently.
Archie (13:44):
You mean there were no contingencies for, uh, tortoise
born disasters.
Shelly (13:48):
None.
Archie (13:49):
Huh?
You know, I, I wonder, uh, howhard tortoise mucus is to wipe
off.
Shelly (13:54):
I didn't stick around to find out.
Archie (13:56):
Oh,
Shelly (13:57):
I decided that was my cue to tap out.
Okay.
I left early, sunburned thirstyand deeply troubled, but before
I left Ann handed me a patchwith a picture of tank that
said,"Plant Big, or Go Home
Archie (14:11):
A little something to commemorate your experience.
Shelly (14:14):
It's on my bulletin board next to a bumper sticker
that says"Do Less Bad." Mm-hmm.
I don't know why, but they feellike they go together.
Archie (14:21):
All right.
So Tank wasn't too good to betrue.
You saw'em with your own eyes.
So, uh, what's the connection tothe theme?
Shelly (14:29):
The promise of what Tank could do combined with the scale
of the plans.
It sounded wild, but purposeful.
I don't know.
Maybe the scale was the purpose?
Either way.
It was all too good to be true.
I mean, Tank was the kind ofsolution that made people start
clapping before they could eventhink it through.
I mean, really, you should haveseen the mess.
Archie (14:50):
I gotta say, Shelly, I, I'm kind of surprised you didn't
stay to help clean up.
Shelly (14:53):
It would've been a nice thing to do, but there were
plenty of hands to help out, andthe work we were doing was
canceled.
I made sure I wasn't neededbefore I headed out.
Archie (15:02):
I just didn't want the listeners to get the wrong
impression.
Shelly (15:05):
Well, I appreciate that.
I think that sometimes too manyhelpers can get in the way of
the doing.
Archie (15:11):
Well, you're not wrong about that.
Hey, you remember that summerwhen maw maw's dock got taken
out by some yahoo on the riverback before she moved in with
Uncle Frank and Aunt Evelyn?
Shelly (15:22):
Oh yeah.
Oh, I missed that incident.
Yeah, but I was there for therebuilding.
Archie (15:28):
So was the whole family course, and everyone wanted to
help.
Shelly (15:33):
And everybody, well the adults, had their own idea how
best to get things done.
Archie (15:38):
Mm-hmm.
I remember waiting around to betold what to do while the
grownups debated whose way wasthe best way.
Shelly (15:45):
Then we got bored and the adults got distracted and
Archie (15:50):
Billie wasn't there.
Shelly (15:52):
Yeah.
To keep us in check.
Archie (15:55):
Well, yeah, I don't know.
It, I, I think it made, it mighthave also happened if, if Billy.
Were there.
I mean, he could get a wild hairup his butt every so often.
Shelly (16:07):
Yeah.
That he could.
Archie (16:09):
Right.
Shelly (16:10):
But I do think he would've seen our plan for the
disaster It was before we put itinto action.
Archie (16:16):
Yeah.
You mean racing down the hill tothe river and two old tires that
were supposed to be swings, butno one got around to putting
them up.
Oh, that was a fantastic idea.
Shelly (16:25):
Until Dylan hit the water and couldn't unfold
himself out of the tire.
He had jammed his gangly13-year-old body all tight up in
there.
Archie (16:33):
Yeah, well see.
We didn't plan on the tirerolling once it hit the river.
We thought it'd just come to astop once it hit.
Shelly (16:39):
I mean, momentum is a thing.
Archie (16:41):
Yeah.
Well, luckily I got tossed outtamy tire'cause I, I was a lot
smaller than Dylan, remember.
I was only 11.
Mm-hmm.
And, uh, oh, I, I, I do rememberI was able to get to him and
hold him up before he sank.
Shelly (16:53):
Whew.
Archie (16:54):
Mm-hmm.
Shelly (16:54):
Man, did we hear it for that stunt.
Archie (16:58):
Oh, yes.
Shelly (16:59):
Oh, and the punishment.
No.
Unsupervised free time.
The whole visit.
It seems so excessive.
Archie (17:06):
Yeah.
Well now, you know, they wereprobably more scared than angry.
I, I think the thought of losinganother young one sent them into
hysterics.
Shelly (17:14):
Well, of course it did, but at the time, it seemed so
over the top.
When I got old enough to knowbetter, the memory played out a
bit differently.
Archie (17:24):
Yeah, I, I think everything landed a bit
differently after Billy's crash.
I mean, there's definitely a, abefore time when the, the
grownups seemed looser andcontent to let us just be kids.
And then there was an after timewhen the, uh, rains got a little
tighter.
Shelly (17:39):
Hmm.
Maw-maw did make things betterthat day.
Or tried.
Archie (17:44):
Oh.
Oh, the lemonade.
Shelly (17:46):
Oh, she handed poor Dylan a big old glass of it to
settle his nerves.
Yeah.
And he took that big old swig.
Archie (17:54):
Right?
And then he spit it right outall over maw-maw.
You remember the look on hisface.
Shelly (18:00):
Uncle Frank was infuriated at him for soaking
her with lemonade, but she waslaughing.
Archie (18:07):
And we couldn't figure out why until she said, oh, of
course the boy spit it out.
I must have made it with saltinstead of sugar.
Tastes like the ocean with atwisted lemon, twisted a lemon.
Shelly (18:20):
I can still see her standing on the porch, the front
of her soaked.
And Dylan looking even morecowed than when he was pulled
from the river.
Archie (18:28):
Yeah.
You know what, Dylan alwayswould take little taster sips of
his drink before going full inafter that lesson learned.
Shelly (18:36):
A lesson learned.
Yeah.
Oh man.
And another family story.
Oh yeah.
Maybe we should actually getaround to your story.
Archie (18:46):
Mm.
Shelly (18:47):
Are you ready to share your tale
Archie (18:49):
week?
I'm, I am indeed.
Shelly (18:52):
Then go for it.
Archie (18:53):
Alright.
Alright, now I picture this,it's about 10 years back, right
early spring and this, uh,smooth talking fella, he rolls
into town in a powder bluecamper van that has solutions
for the sole hand painted on theside of it.
Shelly (19:12):
Well, I didn't know that souls needed solutions, but
okay.
Archie (19:15):
Mm-hmm.
He had this silver mustache anda briefcase full of tiny
bottles, and he had the kind ofvoice that could make you think,
you know, maybe I should bebuying pine scented foot bomb at
this gas station.
Shelly (19:30):
So he could sell water to the ocean.
Archie (19:33):
Exactly.
Yeah.
Now those little bottles, he hadcontained what he called rev
oil.
He said it fixed engines, brokenlocks, back pain, dry sinuses
even fixed one bad neighbor'sattitude.
Shelly (19:47):
Wait like one oil for everything.
Archie (19:49):
For everything.
You could put it in your truckor your teapot and wouldn't, you
know, it actually worked andfolks were amazed.
I even tried it on Betsy, andlemme tell you, she stopped
coughing and she ran quieterthan I'd heard in years.
It was like she'd been given aspa day.
Shelly (20:06):
Well, that sounds excellent, but I'm guessing it
doesn't stay that way.
Archie (20:13):
And you'd be right.
You see things started workingtoo well.
Ceiling fans turned into windtunnels.
Drills, little hand drills, ranwith such force that you'd run
the risk of drilling a hole toChina.
How about this, garage doorsopen with such ease that they
(20:35):
hit the back of the track andreversed course to close again.
Shelly (20:39):
It's that momentum thing again.
Archie (20:41):
Yeah.
And there's more.
Okay.
Washing machines, they spin sofast, they lifted it off the
ground during the spin cycle.
Screen doors became so efficientthat they slammed shut before a
person could walk through.
Rocking chairs, they rockednonstop, but they didn't squeak.
Mm-hmm.
And that's just what happened tofolks in town.
(21:03):
Wait till you hear about whathappened to the town.
Shelly (21:05):
I'm a little concerned for everyone's safety.
Archie (21:08):
Yeah, that's reasonable.
Considering what folks wereexperiencing.
Shelly (21:11):
What happened to the town?
Archie (21:13):
Well, for one.
The community gardens overranits plot and started taking over
the elementary schoolplayground.
Town vending machines, shot outdrinks at all hours.
The church bell rang wheneveranyone told to lie in a three
mile radius.
And traffic lights, well, theyshined so bright, folks couldn't
look directly at them, whichI'll tell you isn't helpful at
(21:36):
all.
Shelly (21:36):
Mm.
So the miracle became a menace.
Archie (21:39):
Pretty much.
Yeah.
And just when the mayhem hitfull force, the salesman
vanished.
No warning, no refund policy.
Just a note inside a woodencrate that appeared outside town
hall.
It said,"caution apply only ifyou want what you think you
want."
Shelly (21:57):
That sounds ominous.
And also oddly deep.
Archie (22:02):
Mm-hmm.
I, I held on to one of thoseunopened bottles.
It's still sitting on my shelf.
I figure one day I'll need tofix something or, uh, to grow a
tomato plant that fights back.
Shelly (22:13):
I wonder if that salesman still roams the
highways pedaling his magic oilsand mysterious crates.
Archie (22:19):
Well, if he does, I hope he's got a new tagline.
You know, something like,"you'lllove it until you don't."
Shelly (22:24):
Yeah.
"Solutions for the soul" doesn'treally ring very true.
Archie (22:28):
Uhuh.
We needed solutions for theproblems the oil created, but
another lesson learned.
Shelly (22:34):
I hope so.
All right, well, from DesertTortoises to supercharged tomato
plants, I think we've coveredthe full range of"too good to be
true."
Archie (22:44):
Mm-hmm.
Moral of the story, if somethingshows up looking shiny and
effortless, there's probably agiant reptile or a cursed bottle
of oil involved.
Shelly (22:53):
Or both.
Archie (22:55):
Better hope not both.
Think of the mucus.
Shelly (22:58):
Archie.
Archie (22:59):
I'm just saying.
Shelly (23:00):
And now we're gonna move on.
It's quote time.
Archie (23:03):
Alright, quote time.
Something to stir the pot whileit's still hot.
What do you have for Shell?
Shelly (23:08):
Well, I've brought one from a modern philosopher,
George Carlin.
Archie (23:12):
Uh, wasn't he a comedian?
Shelly (23:14):
Yeah.
But also deeply philosophical.
Beneath the humor andsubversiveness, he had some
nuggets.
One of them was:"inside everycynical person there is a
disappointed idealist."
Archie (23:27):
Now, why'd you choose that one?
I wouldn't call you cynical ordisappointed.
Shelly (23:31):
Well, I mean, I walked away feeling a bit disappointed
and I certainly idealized thesituation, which set me up for
cynicism.
Archie (23:40):
But you still feel that way?
Shelly (23:42):
No, I, I see the experience for what it was, a
beautiful idea with a gianttortoise sized flaw.
Archie (23:50):
Well, all right.
My, my quote for today is, uh,from an old farmer, I, I knew
once who said,"if a miracleshows up uninvited, check your
valuables."
Shelly (24:02):
Okay.
Well, that farmer is spot on.
Was he around for the snake oilsalesman?
Archie (24:07):
No, I think he was the only one in town trying to warn
folks.
Shelly (24:11):
Oh.
Like Cassandra, being able totell the future, but being
doomed to not being believed.
Archie (24:16):
An ancient Greek reference.
Shelly (24:18):
Well, we, classical studies majors are known to toss
those around every now and then.
Archie (24:24):
It always takes me a little bit by surprise when you
drop one of those.
But in a good way, man, thoseancient Greeks sure could tell a
tale.
Shelly (24:32):
You're not wrong about that.
Archie (24:34):
Hmm.
And I like to think so can we.
So what do you think, listeners?
Now it's your turn to weigh in.
Who told the taller tale?
Head over to our Instagram polland vote.
But uh, give us a few minutes toget the poll posted.
You'll find us at not quiteright
Shelly (24:52):
whose tail hit hardest for you?
Was it Archie with hismysterious miracle oil and high
efficiency chaos,
Archie (24:59):
or Shelly in her tortoise riding trench digging?
Possibly mythical projectleader.
Shelly (25:06):
And if you want to grab a bit of nonsense guaranteed to
lighten your mood, head over tonot quite right goods.com.
Archie (25:13):
Uh, this week's merch pick comes from the Stick Figure
Collection in honor of Shelly'sdesert experience.
It says,"oops, I accidentallywatered my plants."
Shelly (25:27):
Tank tanks certainly accidentally watered the desert,
but it was more of an oil slickthan a watering.
Archie (25:34):
Ooh.
You know, I wonder if there'sany nutritional element to
tortoise snot.
Shelly (25:38):
Arch.
Ugh, gross.
Archie (25:40):
I gross.
What if it was good for thedesert plants?
Shelly (25:44):
I can't even with you and the mucus.
Thanks again to Miley forkeeping us mostly on track this
week.
Archie (25:51):
And to Ralph for the, uh, cold open material.
Shelly (25:57):
Wait did Miley add that while we were recording.
Archie (26:00):
I think she must have.
Shelly (26:01):
I guess we're keeping it in.
Archie (26:02):
Mm-hmm.
Seems like it.
Shelly (26:04):
Well.
Thanks for sitting with us awhile.
Mm-hmm.
Archie (26:07):
Yeah.
You're always welcome on theporch for two.
Shelly (26:11):
Two
Archie (26:12):
Frogs.
Shelly (26:13):
Frogs.
Archie (26:14):
Talking.
Shelly (26:15):
Talking.
Bye.
Bye.
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