July 3, 2025 • 29 mins
🎙 Episode 6: Magical Thinking & Breakfast Disasters
Sometimes modern convenience feels like a miracle. Sometimes it ends in fluff, sparks, or a mess you won’t soon forget.
In this episode, Shelly revisits the time she tested out a fully automated grooming station on her dog Ralph—and nearly lost him in a cyclone of conditioner and chaos. Archie tells a family story about Uncle Larry’s infamous breakfast contraption and the catastrophe that followed. Along the way, we learn how Shelly became Poison Ivy Royalty—thanks to a fish camp craft project gone wrong.
Also in this episode:
- Porch philosophy with Arthur C. Clarke and a little old fashion skepticism
- The case for unplugging—both gadgets and ourselves
- An enchanted broomstick
đź’¬ Listener Vote:
Who delivered the bigger misfire? Cast your vote at notquiterightgoods.com/pages/two-frogs-talking or on Instagram @notquiterightgoods.
🛍 This Week’s Tee:
From the Front Porch Philosopher collection: “Think about it—electricity is the closest we have to magic.”
Perfect for believers in buttons, wires, and slightly overcooked optimism.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Shelly (00:01):
I'm starting this mindfulness practice right where
I'm supposed to begin each daywith a spot of meditation, so I
decide I'll go down to BolsaChica and do my mindfulness reps
there.
Archie (00:11):
Hmm.
Sounds restorative.
Shelly (00:13):
Well, it should be.
But well, this day, it's day oneof this new routine, and of
course I don't set an alarm.
Luckily, the automatic coffeemaker kicks in and the smell of
coffee always gets me going, soI get going.
Anyway, I figure I've got justenough time to make it down
there, squeeze in some peace andquiet, and still open up Play N
(00:34):
Stay on time.
My regular opener's off thisweek.
Archie (00:38):
One of the downsides of being a small business owner,
you're the backup.
Shelly (00:42):
Don't I know it and I have got the stories.
Mm-hmm.
But Natalie, she's been with mefor, I don't know, the last
couple of years now, and she hasnever let me down.
I practically had to force herto take this vacation.
Anyway, I get down to the beach,find a spot, plop down my towel,
and wouldn't you know it, I'vemanaged to pick the only patch
of sand with tar easing upthrough it.
Archie (01:04):
Oh, what now?
What's tar doing on the beach?
Shelly (01:07):
Well, it's actually not abnormal for this area.
Huntington Beach used to becovered in oil derricks back in
the day, and you still find themaround town.
These giant metal structureswith bobbing tops, they're
tucked into neighborhoods onplots between houses, ones by
the civic center, even in themiddle of a wildlife preserve.
Archie (01:26):
Oh, now that can't be true.
The middle of the wildlifepreserve, you're pulling my leg.
Shelly (01:30):
Okay, well, maybe not in the middle of a wildlife
preserve.
Okay, but adjacent to one.
My point is stuff oozing outtathe land is pretty natural in
this area.
But how I didn't see it, I don'tknow.
I mean, the towel's covered, myfeet are covered, but luckily
there's one of those publicoutdoor showers, so I blast the
tar off my feet.
(01:51):
But the towel,
Archie (01:52):
mm-hmm.
Shelly (01:53):
Ruined.
Archie (01:54):
And you didn't even get your meditation in unless I
missed that part.
Shelly (01:58):
You didn't.
Now I wasn't in the mood after Igot cleaned up, plus I needed to
open, so I tossed the towel inthe back with Ralph, who's been
waiting patiently in the Jeep.
No dogs on the beach at BolsaChica.
And before you get worried, Ihad the top off, so he wasn't
going to roast or anything.
Archie (02:16):
And so he just sits in the Jeep patiently waiting.
Shelly (02:19):
He does.
I stay in sight range and I havehim harnessed and leashed so he
doesn't bolt off.
I mean, he's happy to watch thesurfers and people on the bike
path.
He'd stay there all day if I'dlet him.
Archie (02:30):
Huh?
Yeah.
The idea of that dog sittingstill for longer than five
minutes doesn't seem right.
He's got two modes from what Ican tell.
Go and go.
Shelly (02:41):
That's true.
I think there's enough peoplewatching to keep his mind
occupied.
I like to think he makes upthese little stories for
everyone he sees.
Archie (02:50):
Well, that's what you do.
Shelly (02:51):
Maybe, but back to the towel.
Why I threw the towel backthere.
I'll, I'll never know.
'cause Ralph, now he's coveredin tar too.
Oh no.
Yep.
That stuff sticks to fur, likenobody's business.
I had to shave patches off ofhim just to get it out, and now
Ralph's got bald spots.
Great.
(03:12):
Big ones.
Archie (03:12):
Poor Ralph.
All.
All he did was sit still and nowhe has to suffer the indignity
of bald patches.
Just'cause you wanted to be moremindful, huh?
Shelly (03:22):
I know.
It is so unfair.
He looks absolutely ridiculous.
Archie (03:27):
I'm sure.
But don't tell him that now.
Shelly (03:29):
Well, I don't have to.
He knows.
He's been slinking around allday, like he's trying to hide.
I feel awful.
Archie (03:36):
Well, and look at it this way, it is just fur, it'll
grow back.
Shelly (03:40):
Try telling him that.
Wait, wait.
Are we actually recording rightnow?
Was that just a therapy sessioncaught on tape?
Archie (03:49):
Yeah.
Well, more like caught on thecloud.
Mics are hot, Shelly.
That's gonna live forever.
Shelly (03:57):
Great.
Now everyone knows my dog's baldspots are because of me.
Archie (04:01):
Well, he's gonna be famous.
He might even need his ownsegment on the show.
Shelly (04:08):
Patchy Pup Diaries or something like that.
There you go.
Anyway, we should probably startfor real now.
Hi there, I'm Shelly.
Archie (04:17):
And I'm Archie.
And welcome to the porch.
for, Two.
Two Frogs.
Frogs.
Talking.
Talking.
Shelly (04:27):
One part telling tales,
Archie (04:29):
one part talking life.
All parts.
Shelly (04:32):
All parts.
Archie (04:34):
A bit
Shelly (04:34):
a bit.
Archie (04:35):
Not, not
Shelly (04:37):
quite
Archie (04:37):
quite
Shelly (04:38):
right,
Archie (04:39):
right.
Yeah.
We'll get it.
Shelly (04:40):
Oh, so close.
Archie (04:41):
One of these days.
One of these days.
Alright, now, uh, before we jumpin, uh, let's go over the format
for anybody who needs a reminderor if you're joining us for the
first time.
Shelly (04:52):
It's pretty simple.
One of us brings a family story.
The other tackles a classic talewith a personal twist.
Archie (04:58):
Uh, now this week I am on family duty and Shelly is
gone literary.
Shelly (05:03):
You know it.
And today's theme is"ModernMiracles and Strange
Inventions."
Archie (05:08):
Mm-hmm.
Inspired by the stick personseries t-shirt that says"the
closest thing we have to magicis electricity." And it's true.
No one understands how it works.
You can't see it, and it has allthese cryptic symbols.
Shelly (05:25):
Sounds like magic to me.
Arch, do you have any moreprofound revelations before we
start?
Archie (05:31):
Hmm.
Lemme see here.
Um oh, oh, uh hmm.
No, no.
None at the moment, but I can'tpromise I won't have one in a
little bit.
Shelly (05:42):
Well, as always, I'll be on the edge of my seat, but
while we wait, let me set themood with a little 18th Century
German poetry.
Archie (05:51):
Huh?
Yeah.
Somehow I'm not all thatsurprised.
Please, please, regale us.
Shelly (05:58):
Here I go.
I am now, what Joy to hear it!--Of the old magician rid; and
hence forth shall every spiritdo whate'er by me is bid.
I have watched with rigor all heused to do, and will now with
vigor work my wonders too.
Archie (06:20):
Huh?
Sounds like someone's gonna findout that watching and doing are
two different things.
Shelly (06:26):
Right you are.
This is the opening stanzas ofGoethe's the Sorcerer's
Apprentice.
Archie (06:34):
Like, uh, Mickey Mouse in Fantasia.
Shelly (06:37):
The very same one.
The Apprentice gets tired offetching water, so he enchants a
broom to do it.
And now come ye well wornbroomstick, take ye cloth and
grain with you.
Be a servant like the former,and as quickly come to view.
Ah, your head dear fellow, nowin haste, adorn; you are as
(07:01):
spruce as ever.
Now don't stay forlorn, wander,wander onward lightly, so that
rightly flow, the torrent andthe teeming waters yonder and
the bath discharge, its current.
Archie (07:15):
So he's dressed the broom up like a servant and, and
forced it to fetch water.
Shelly (07:20):
Yeah.
And it works out great at first.
Mm-hmm.
The problem happens when thebroom won't stop.
It fetches buckets and buckets.
And the kid, he's starting topanic.
Oh boy, hmm.
I have done the service longenough.
I wean come no longer.
I desire thee cease now broomthy furious flight.
(07:43):
Bring me not another bucket.
Ah, thy looks do terrify me.
Wretches born of hell and night.
No, I cannot let thee hold it, Iwill seize it.
Hold it fast.
Oh.
With beating threats and magic,will I try and stop thy path.
See! Once more he goes and getsit! And how the bath is
(08:05):
overflowing! Lord and masterhear my prayer! Ah, he comes, he
comes, the master! Lord, thedanger is past! Ah, the sorcerer
is words of might! He hasbanished the spirits to night!
Archie (08:21):
Oh, well I felt that in my soul.
You know, that was me last weekwith the AC unit blowing hot air
and refusing to turn off.
I couldn't unplug it.
It wouldn't stop.
Same energy.
Mm-hmm.
Only there was no old mastercall.
Shelly (08:36):
Well, that's because you are the old master.
Archie (08:38):
Ooh, okay.
Yeah, no, I set myself up forthat one.
I get it.
Shelly (08:43):
Oh, just a little bit.
Archie (08:44):
Yeah.
So I, I like the dramaticreading and all, but I'm
guessing that was a setup.
Shelly (08:50):
Mm.
Your instinct is correct.
However, my story doesn'tinvolve a magic broom, but it's
definitely magic broom adjacent.
It involves a"fully automated,intelligent grooming station."
Archie (09:03):
Oh, no.
Shelly (09:04):
Oh yes.
So this thing, it looks morelike one of those retro egg
chair meets a car wash.
Big glass dome, touchscreenpanel, automated everything:
shampoo, rinse, blow, dry,detangle fluff.
Archie (09:20):
Like a Jetsons version of a dog groomer.
Shelly (09:23):
Exactly.
And on day one, it does impressme.
Ralph's fur is so clean, itshine.
Smells like coconut- lavender.
He even gets a little bow tie atthe end and he hates
accessories.
But I have to say he lookedpretty good.
So what's the problem?
Well, the problem's day two, Iput Ralph in for another run,
not even a full cycle, just atouch up and halfway through I
(09:46):
hear this weird"whirrrr" soundand the touchscreen freezes.
No response, no cancel button.
Archie (09:56):
Oh no.
Oh no, that's, that's broomenergy.
Shelly (09:59):
Mm-hmm.
Ralph's in there spinning theair dryer's on loop.
His fur's fluffing'em up moreand more and I'm yelling,"stop"
waving at the sensors.
Nothing.
Archie (10:10):
Did you unplug it?
Shelly (10:11):
Well, I tried, but the plug had one of those childproof
safety lock things on it.
Course I swear I don't know whois meant to be capable of
operating one of those things.
Archie (10:20):
That's worse than having a metal shelving unit in the
way.
So what'd you do?
Shelly (10:25):
Well, I ended up having to flip the circuit breaker for
the whole back room.
Archie (10:28):
Oh, smart.
Yeah.
And uh, Ralph?
Shelly (10:32):
Oh, looked like a puffer fish with legs.
His fur, was so staticky hestuck to the side of my pants.
And don't even ask how long ittook to calm him down.
He wouldn't come near anythingwith a motor for a week.
Archie (10:47):
Lessons learned?
Shelly (10:48):
If a stranger shows up offering miracle tech, close the
door.
And if they leave it anyway,don't plug it in.
'Cause you never know.
It may be too good at the thingit's promising to do and it may
do more.
Archie (11:03):
Huh?
Why do I feel like there's moreto this story?
Shelly (11:06):
Because there is.
You see the back room at thePlay N Stay shares a wall with
the yoga studio next door.
And once the AI unit synced tothe network.
It started thinking we were theyoga studio and adjusted the
lights and sound and tempaccordingly.
It even hijacked the Bluetoothspeaker.
(11:26):
Spa music full blast.
Archie (11:28):
Oh, sounds relaxing.
Shelly (11:30):
Ah, you would think, but Ralph's already on edge from
being fluffed into a cottonball.
So when that music starts up andthe heat kicks on, he panics.
Bolts for the back hallway.
Archie (11:43):
Trying to escape.
Shelly (11:44):
Yep.
And I'm yelling"Ralph," but he'shaving none of it.
Archie (11:49):
Oh, he's had enough.
Shelly (11:50):
He nosed to open the staff door, darted through the
connecting hallway anddisappeared.
Archie (11:55):
Into the wild?
Shelly (11:57):
No.
Thank goodness.
Into the yoga studio next door.
Oh dear.
Which makes no real sense whenyou think about it, but the
session was over and everyonewas in savasana.
Archie (12:09):
Okay, so, so more relaxing than at the Play N
Stay.
Shelly (12:13):
At the moment.
Yeah, he makes a beeline for avacant mat, flops down and just
lays there.
Like he invented savasana.
One of the regulars says,"oh,I've seen him through the
window.
He's chill." And I'm like,"nottoday.
He's not."
Archie (12:29):
Oh dear.
Gives new mean into the termdownward dog, huh?
Yeah.
You know, I, I hate to say it,but at least it was your dog.
You traumatized and not somebodyelse's.
Shelly (12:40):
Oh, that's a good point.
You know, there's somethingweird too, that man,
Archie (12:46):
yeah.
Shelly (12:47):
He never came back for the contraption.
It's just sitting in the back,taking up space.
Didn't give me a card oranything.
Archie (12:53):
You know, if it's still there, the next time I'm out,
I'd like to take a look at it.
Shelly (12:58):
You got it.
'cuz just don't climb in it.
Archie (13:00):
Oh.
Oh.
You don't have to tell me twice,but you know, I, I'm just
realizing something.
Shelly (13:06):
What's that?
Archie (13:08):
Well, I think it was my turn to start off with the story
this week.
Shelly (13:12):
Oh, no.
Archie (13:14):
Mm-hmm.
Shelly (13:14):
I got too excited about my poem.
Archie (13:16):
Yep.
Shelly (13:17):
I jumped ahead.
My bad Arch.
Archie (13:19):
It's all right.
I just wanted to point it out'cause I'm sure some astute
listener will wonder if we didaway with our system.
We haven't.
We're just, we're just doingthings different today.
Shelly (13:30):
That's right.
We like to keep everybody ontheir toes.
Right.
That's exactly what I was doing.
Archie (13:35):
There you go.
Shelly (13:35):
Thanks Arch for clearing up the confusion.
Archie (13:38):
Well, if there was any.
Shelly (13:40):
If there was any.
Mm-hmm.
Well, I guess we should get toyour story.
What do you have for us today?
Archie (13:46):
Well, all right.
Mine's not about a smartmachine, so to speak, but let me
tell you about the time greatuncle Larry tried to bring the
future to the fish camp.
Shelly (13:58):
Is that really a place that needs to be dragged into
the future?
Archie (14:02):
Not at all.
No.
No.
But great Uncle Larry couldn'thelp himself.
Shelly (14:05):
Mm.
He never could.
Archie (14:08):
That's right.
Now, uh, all of y'all have heardabout Uncle Larry before, I
think, and if not, well, itdoesn't matter much.
The point is, Larry is maw-maw'smiddle brother now.
Back when he was younger, he wasthe quiet one, but something
shifted in the eighties.
He got real into gadgets.
(14:29):
If it plugged in, uh, spunaround or beeped.
Larry wanted it.
So when one of our family's FishCamp Weekends rolled around,
Larry shows up with this boxlabeled"Fully Integrated
Breakfast Experience."
Shelly (14:45):
Oh, please tell me it came with a handle and way too
many warning labels.
Archie (14:48):
Oh, indeed it did.
Indeed, it did.
Now, uh, he had this thing allwrapped up nice and tight and,
and cushioned with egg crates inthe back of his pickup.
You'd think it was the fragilestthing known to man the way he
had that contraption in the bedof his truck.
Shelly (15:03):
Well, it's a wonder he just didn't put it in the
passenger seat and belt it in.
Archie (15:07):
Well, it, it was too far, too big for that.
Plus no seat belts.
Shelly (15:12):
Oh, was it pre seatbelt days?
Archie (15:14):
I don't know if it was the pre seatbelt days, but I do
know that there weren't any inthat truck.
Mm-hmm.
Also, not in that truck or inany other vehicle at the camp
for that matter was a cassetteplayer.
Shelly (15:27):
A cassette player.
What on earth for?
Archie (15:29):
That's right.
Yeah.
Well, it came with aninstructional cassette.
Shelly (15:33):
Well, that's handy if you have a player.
Archie (15:35):
Correct.
Yeah.
Uncle Larry could have also usedthem in writing.
Shelly (15:40):
Well, did he check the liner notes?
Archie (15:42):
I'm guessing that if he did, there wasn't anything
useful there'cause Uncle Larryseemed to be winging it.
Putting whatever cable here andconnecting a, a part to another
part over there.
Any which way I.
There didn't seem to be much ofa method, not, not that I could
discern anyway.
Shelly (15:59):
Sounds like trouble waiting to happen.
Archie (16:02):
Hmm, don't it?
So anyway, this contraption wassupposed to toast bread, brew
coffee, and poach eggs all atonce.
Larry called it the future ofbreakfast.
You know what maw-maw called it?
Shelly (16:16):
What?
Archie (16:17):
Unnecessary.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Shelly (16:21):
Well, it does sound like a dare disguised as convenience.
Wait a minute.
Did the fish camp even haveelectricity then?
Archie (16:28):
Oh, no, of course not.
Didn't get wired until thenineties.
Shelly (16:31):
Well.
So how,
Archie (16:33):
Oh, he brought a, he brought a, a portable generator
to power it.
Gas powered loud as a lawnmowerwith asthma.
Oh, and definitely noteco-friendly.
That's right.
Set it up right there beside thecabin, underneath the kitchen
window.
Shelly (16:48):
Well, there is nothing better than mixing the fresh
lake air with generator exhaustfumes.
Archie (16:53):
Oh, yeah.
Adds a little flavor to the foodtoo.
Shelly (16:57):
That's really gross.
Archie (16:58):
Yeah, so we all go to bed with the promise that
breakfast in the morning will befuturistic.
Those are Larry's words, notours.
Shelly (17:07):
Mm-hmm.
Archie (17:09):
So next morning around six, we hear it.
(Noise), cl.
Shelly (17:18):
Oh no.
Archie (17:19):
Yeah, that thing's already running.
Larry's got a clipboard.
He's taking notes like he'sconducting the lab experiment.
He's got the generator going,cords running through the cabin
window, and the smell of burnttoast just fill in the air.
Shelly (17:35):
That's not a good sign.
Archie (17:37):
Nope.
Nope.
And then the egg poachersection.
God bless it.
It makes this high pitched hissand it lets out a pop loud
enough to wake the fish.
Shelly (17:47):
Did it explode?
Archie (17:49):
Did it explode?
Egg yolk on the curtains.
Oh, egg whites on Larry.
Parts just everywhere.
Shelly (17:57):
What about the coffee?
Archie (17:59):
The coffee?
Well, it brewed.
I'll give it that.
But Larry didn't realize thatthe heating element was directly
above the power switch.
Now it burned the letteringclean off and it melted the
switch to the on position.
Shelly (18:13):
Oh, no.
So everything's burnt andscrambled and stuck to on.
Archie (18:18):
Exactly.
You know, Larry's trying torewire it with a flashlight in
his mouth, a a lunchbox full ofbackup cables and a screwdriver
he found in the bait bucket.
And there's maw-maw just staringat him and she says.
"You do know we have a fire pitand the cast iron, right?"
Shelly (18:37):
Sounds like her.
Yep.
So did he ever get it working?
Archie (18:42):
Well, technically, yes.
He managed to get one slice oftoast, halfway golden for the
whole thing tripped thegenerator again.
Oh, that's when maw maw took hisnotebook, tossed it in the
cooler and said"Breakfast isover.
We're doing fish and biscuits."Yeah.
Shelly (19:00):
A culinary pivot.
Archie (19:01):
Exactly, and you know what?
That meal was perfect.
Mm, catfish on a skillet.
Biscuits baked in the dutch ovenand coffee boiled right in the
pot.
No switches, no motors.
Just fire and folks.
Shelly (19:17):
Which is the miracle, really.
Archie (19:20):
Right.
You know, Larry still swears hewas this close to cracking the
code, but every time we bring itup, maw-maw would just smile and
say,"miracles are nice, butbreakfast should never need a
backup generator."
Shelly (19:33):
Was that the first time Larry brought some kind of
contraption to the Fish Camp?
Archie (19:36):
Oh, oh, no, no, no.
Not by a long shot.
This was just the loudest one.
He had a whole streak there inthe early eighties.
Every year it was something new.
Shelly (19:47):
Like what?
Archie (19:49):
Oh, well, let's see.
Um, oh, there, there was a onetime there was, uh, the solar
powered mosquito zapper.
Uhhuh.
Shelly (19:56):
Ah.
Archie (19:57):
Oh yeah.
Only it never held a charge longenough to do any a zapping, so
it instead it just lit up thepicnic table like a bug disco.
Yep.
Oh, oh.
And then there was, uh, therewas the time he brought the, uh,
voice activated fish caller.
Shelly (20:14):
Wait, what you mean?
Like,
Archie (20:16):
like"here fishy, fishy?" Yeah.
No, it played underwaterrecordings of what, uh, Larry
claimed were mating calls ofbass and blue gill.
It sounded more like, uh, a, oneof them dial up modems.
Just garg and gravel.
Shelly (20:32):
Well, did it work?
Archie (20:33):
No, of course not.
Unless you count attracting avery confused snapping turtle
that took off one of the oars.
Shelly (20:40):
Oh, well now I kind of want one.
Archie (20:42):
Oh, and then there was the, uh, foot pedaled ice cream
churn.
Yeah.
That one almost worked till popsgot a little too into it and
spun himself into the side ofthe cabin.
Yeah.
Shelly (20:55):
Did the ice cream survive?
Archie (20:56):
Oh, thankfully, yeah.
Yeah.
It was chocolate mint.
Strong on the mint, weak on thechocolate, but still cold and
earned.
Uh, that one might've beenLarry's greatest success.
Shelly (21:07):
One day someone's gonna find all his inventions in a
shed somewhere and assume he wasbuilding a time machine.
Archie (21:14):
Uh, wouldn't surprise me, just don't plug anything in
without wearing some safetygoggles.
Shelly (21:19):
You know?
Archie (21:20):
Hmm.
Shelly (21:20):
I only managed to make it out to that fish camp a
couple of times, but that placewas special.
Archie (21:26):
Yeah, it was.
Mosquitoes get bad in the summermonths, but, uh.
You know, we go about four timesa year or so, depending.
Spend a long weekend.
It wasn't much, but there wasroom for all of us and, and
plenty of fishing spots.
Shelly (21:41):
Yeah.
The only fish I ever caught wasthere.
Really?
Yep.
Along with the only case topoison ivy.
Archie (21:48):
Oh, my dear.
It does grow strong out there.
You gotta be careful.
Shelly (21:52):
It was fall, remember?
Mm-hmm.
And the leaves were off thevines.
I was off exploring and ran intoa whole bunch hanging on a tree.
I thought,"oh, these are perfectto twist into crowns." So I
made, I don't know, somethinglike five crowns.
I was so proud of myself.
I wore mine out of the woods andinto camp, and I was planning on
passing out my extras, but thedinner bell rang, so I put them
(22:14):
down and forgot all about them,which is a very good thing, but
I wore my crown all night.
And next morning I woke up witha rash around my forehead,
smeared down my cheeks, and allover my hands.
I looked so ridiculous.
Archie (22:31):
Oh, yeah, I, I remember you looked more than ridiculous.
I didn't know someone's handcould puff up like that, and
that perfect stripe of rashacross your forehead.
Now that was something tobehold.
Goodness.
Shelly (22:44):
Everyone was so nice about it, but I can only imagine
what a site I must have beenwhen I walked into breakfast
that morning.
Archie (22:51):
I remember your mama dropped her coffee and, and Aunt
Evelyn let out the highest pitchsqueak I'd ever heard.
Like she was trying to holdsomething in, but a little bit
escaped.
Right.
I, I'm pretty sure my jaw hitthe floor.
I know my pancakes fell outta mymouth back onto the plate.
Oh no.
Everyone was frozen exceptmaw-maw, and she took one look
at you and said,"well, I'm gladwe remembered to bring the
(23:13):
oatmeal this time, but it lookslike we won't be eating it."
Shelly (23:18):
Oh man.
And it started to spread allover.
Oh.
Oh yeah.
I spent the rest of that tripsoaking in oatmeal bath or
slathered with calamine lotion.
Archie (23:27):
Yeah.
They had to put your socks onyour hands, like little mittens.
Shelly (23:31):
Partly to keep me from scratching myself to death, and
partly to keep the calaminelotion soaked in.
Archie (23:36):
Listen, when you're all itch at calamine lotion, sure
does seem like magic.
Shelly (23:40):
Better magic was that steroid shot I got once we got
back into town.
Archie (23:45):
And I shouldn't have laughed too hard at you that
following spring I got the worstcase of chiggers I ever had.
Shelly (23:53):
Yeah, it serves you right.
And those are harder to get ridof than poison ivy, right?
Archie (23:57):
They don't call it the seven year itch for no reason.
Oh, here's the lesson, folks.
If you're in Alabama, in thefall, in the woods, and you see
a vine, don't think grapes.
And if you're in the woods, inthe springtime, do not picnic on
a decaying tree stump, even ifit's perfectly situated beside a
creek.
Shelly (24:16):
Trust us.
You don't need to learn theselessons the hard way.
Mm-hmm.
Take Archie's word for it.
Archie (24:22):
Oh, oh.
And always, always checkyourself for ticks.
Shelly (24:26):
Always check for ticks.
That's good advice, Archie.
Mm-hmm.
Any more woodsy advice or shouldwe move on?
Archie (24:32):
Uh, no.
No.
That's it for me from now.
Shelly (24:37):
All right then that brings us to the end of this
week's tales.
Archie (24:41):
You've made it through exploding eggs, grooming gone
wrong, and poison ivy royalty.
Bless you.
Shelly (24:48):
We'd love to hear what y'all thought.
Which story hit hardest?
Was it Archie with Uncle Larry'sExploding Breakfast,
Archie (24:55):
or Shelly with Ralph's modern grooming experience?
Shelly (24:59):
Be sure to vote for your favorite tale over on our
Instagram.
And if you've got a story ofyour own that ties into the
theme, maybe something involvinga modern miracle that didn't
quite deliver, we'd love to hearit.
Archie (25:10):
Or read it on a future episode.
You never know.
Shelly (25:13):
That's right.
You never know.
Archie (25:15):
Mm-hmm.
Shelly (25:16):
Well, should we do quote time?
Archie (25:18):
Uh, I'm ready if you are.
Shelly (25:20):
So folks, this is the section of the episode where we
try and give you something toponder by sharing a quote that
is more or less theme related.
Archie (25:29):
That's right.
Uh, some weeks we're better atit than others, but, uh, we try
just the same.
Shelly (25:34):
Okay.
So, mm-hmm.
Mine for this week is Author CClark, a brilliant English
sci-fi writer, best known for2001: a Space Odyssey.
Mm-hmm.
He said,"any sufficientlyadvanced technology is
indistinguishable from magic."Yeah.
And let me tell you thatgrooming station sure did feel
like magic when it startedgrooming Ralph into oblivion.
Archie (25:55):
I, I definitely think it counts as magic if your dog ends
up looking like a dandelion midsneeze, but Clark's right when
you don't understand howsomething works, it can feel
like you've conjured up amiracle.
Shelly (26:09):
Or like the sorcerer's apprentice, a flood and a
demented broomstick.
Archie (26:15):
Yeah, I don't know if that broomstick was demented as
much as it was just doing whatit was told.
It just had no off switch,that's all.
Or at least an off switch thatthe apprentice could get to.
And, and, well, he's not theonly one who's been in that
place.
Shelly (26:29):
You and me both.
It's wild, isn't it?
All this tech promising to makelife easier and sometimes, well,
it just makes things weirder.
Archie (26:39):
Yep.
Faster ain't always better.
More buttons does not alwaysmean more peace.
Shelly (26:45):
Remember, maw-maw used to say"if it takes longer to
figure out how to use it than ittakes to do the thing yourself,
don't bother."
Archie (26:52):
Yeah.
She also called remote controls,"lazy wands."
Shelly (26:56):
Oh yeah.
I love that one.
Yeah, but she's right, man.
Some stuff feels like magic, butreal magic, like the kind that
last is knowing how to do athing well with your own two
hands.
At least that's what I think.
Archie (27:10):
That's right.
Or with help from folks who knowwhat they're doing.
That's the other kind of magicif you ask me: community and
patience.
Shelly (27:18):
That and maybe a solid flashlight and a backup charger.
Archie (27:22):
Always prepared,
Shelly (27:24):
not paranoid.
Archie (27:25):
Hey,
Shelly (27:28):
you know what's wild?
If you could have described asmartphone to maw-maw when she
was a kid, or heck, even whenshe was an adult, she would
think that you were making up atall tale.
Archie (27:38):
And if you told Larry he'd be outwitted by an egg
poacher, he'd think you weremaking it up too.
Which brings me to my quote,it's from Carl Sagan.
He was an astronomer and ascience educator.
If you ever watched"Cosmos,"that was him.
He said,"we live in a societyexquisitely dependent on science
(27:59):
and technology in which hardlyanyone knows anything about
science and technology."
Shelly (28:05):
Oh, I feel like that one stings a little.
Archie (28:07):
Hey, it is not meant to shame.
It's just a thought to chew on.
You know, we got all these toolsand, and they're incredible, but
when we lean on them withoutunderstanding, well, that's when
breakfast blows up or your dogends up in a yoga studio.
Shelly (28:22):
Yeah, if it turns a golden retriever into a flight
risk, then you might not beusing it right.
Archie (28:28):
Miracles are mighty tempting, but so is the simple
skillet and some common sense.
Shelly (28:34):
Oh, and folks, we're gonna leave it right there with
those sage words from Archie.
Thanks for sitting with us awhile.
Archie (28:43):
You're always welcome on the porch.
Shelly (28:45):
Bye bye.
What's that?
Miley?
Archie (28:48):
Hmm.
Uh, oh,
Shelly (28:50):
Shoot.
We forgot about the merch, Arch.
Archie (28:54):
That's all right.
Uh, here, uh, where is it?
Yeah.
As I say on the blog, if we everneed a reminder, well, I know a
t-shirt that'll do the trick.
It's atwww.notquiterightgoods.com where
you can find the"electricity isthe closest thing we have to
magic" t-shirt and so much more,including the page for this
(29:16):
podcast.
Shelly (29:17):
I don't know how we skip past that.
Archie (29:19):
It doesn't matter.
We got it in.
Joe (29:24):
This has been a not quite right goods production.
Starring Joe Laureiro is Archieand Holland Renton as Shelly.
Written, directed and edited byHolland Renton.
Music sourced via Descript stocklibrary.
I'm starting this mindfulness practice right where
I'm supposed to begin each daywith a spot of meditation, so I
decide I'll go down to BolsaChica and do my mindfulness reps
there.
Archie (00:11):
Hmm.
Sounds restorative.
Shelly (00:13):
Well, it should be.
But well, this day, it's day oneof this new routine, and of
course I don't set an alarm.
Luckily, the automatic coffeemaker kicks in and the smell of
coffee always gets me going, soI get going.
Anyway, I figure I've got justenough time to make it down
there, squeeze in some peace andquiet, and still open up Play N
(00:34):
Stay on time.
My regular opener's off thisweek.
Archie (00:38):
One of the downsides of being a small business owner,
you're the backup.
Shelly (00:42):
Don't I know it and I have got the stories.
Mm-hmm.
But Natalie, she's been with mefor, I don't know, the last
couple of years now, and she hasnever let me down.
I practically had to force herto take this vacation.
Anyway, I get down to the beach,find a spot, plop down my towel,
and wouldn't you know it, I'vemanaged to pick the only patch
of sand with tar easing upthrough it.
Archie (01:04):
Oh, what now?
What's tar doing on the beach?
Shelly (01:07):
Well, it's actually not abnormal for this area.
Huntington Beach used to becovered in oil derricks back in
the day, and you still find themaround town.
These giant metal structureswith bobbing tops, they're
tucked into neighborhoods onplots between houses, ones by
the civic center, even in themiddle of a wildlife preserve.
Archie (01:26):
Oh, now that can't be true.
The middle of the wildlifepreserve, you're pulling my leg.
Shelly (01:30):
Okay, well, maybe not in the middle of a wildlife
preserve.
Okay, but adjacent to one.
My point is stuff oozing outtathe land is pretty natural in
this area.
But how I didn't see it, I don'tknow.
I mean, the towel's covered, myfeet are covered, but luckily
there's one of those publicoutdoor showers, so I blast the
tar off my feet.
(01:51):
But the towel,
Archie (01:52):
mm-hmm.
Shelly (01:53):
Ruined.
Archie (01:54):
And you didn't even get your meditation in unless I
missed that part.
Shelly (01:58):
You didn't.
Now I wasn't in the mood after Igot cleaned up, plus I needed to
open, so I tossed the towel inthe back with Ralph, who's been
waiting patiently in the Jeep.
No dogs on the beach at BolsaChica.
And before you get worried, Ihad the top off, so he wasn't
going to roast or anything.
Archie (02:16):
And so he just sits in the Jeep patiently waiting.
Shelly (02:19):
He does.
I stay in sight range and I havehim harnessed and leashed so he
doesn't bolt off.
I mean, he's happy to watch thesurfers and people on the bike
path.
He'd stay there all day if I'dlet him.
Archie (02:30):
Huh?
Yeah.
The idea of that dog sittingstill for longer than five
minutes doesn't seem right.
He's got two modes from what Ican tell.
Go and go.
Shelly (02:41):
That's true.
I think there's enough peoplewatching to keep his mind
occupied.
I like to think he makes upthese little stories for
everyone he sees.
Archie (02:50):
Well, that's what you do.
Shelly (02:51):
Maybe, but back to the towel.
Why I threw the towel backthere.
I'll, I'll never know.
'cause Ralph, now he's coveredin tar too.
Oh no.
Yep.
That stuff sticks to fur, likenobody's business.
I had to shave patches off ofhim just to get it out, and now
Ralph's got bald spots.
Great.
(03:12):
Big ones.
Archie (03:12):
Poor Ralph.
All.
All he did was sit still and nowhe has to suffer the indignity
of bald patches.
Just'cause you wanted to be moremindful, huh?
Shelly (03:22):
I know.
It is so unfair.
He looks absolutely ridiculous.
Archie (03:27):
I'm sure.
But don't tell him that now.
Shelly (03:29):
Well, I don't have to.
He knows.
He's been slinking around allday, like he's trying to hide.
I feel awful.
Archie (03:36):
Well, and look at it this way, it is just fur, it'll
grow back.
Shelly (03:40):
Try telling him that.
Wait, wait.
Are we actually recording rightnow?
Was that just a therapy sessioncaught on tape?
Archie (03:49):
Yeah.
Well, more like caught on thecloud.
Mics are hot, Shelly.
That's gonna live forever.
Shelly (03:57):
Great.
Now everyone knows my dog's baldspots are because of me.
Archie (04:01):
Well, he's gonna be famous.
He might even need his ownsegment on the show.
Shelly (04:08):
Patchy Pup Diaries or something like that.
There you go.
Anyway, we should probably startfor real now.
Hi there, I'm Shelly.
Archie (04:17):
And I'm Archie.
And welcome to the porch.
for, Two.
Two Frogs.
Frogs.
Talking.
Talking.
Shelly (04:27):
One part telling tales,
Archie (04:29):
one part talking life.
All parts.
Shelly (04:32):
All parts.
Archie (04:34):
A bit
Shelly (04:34):
a bit.
Archie (04:35):
Not, not
Shelly (04:37):
quite
Archie (04:37):
quite
Shelly (04:38):
right,
Archie (04:39):
right.
Yeah.
We'll get it.
Shelly (04:40):
Oh, so close.
Archie (04:41):
One of these days.
One of these days.
Alright, now, uh, before we jumpin, uh, let's go over the format
for anybody who needs a reminderor if you're joining us for the
first time.
Shelly (04:52):
It's pretty simple.
One of us brings a family story.
The other tackles a classic talewith a personal twist.
Archie (04:58):
Uh, now this week I am on family duty and Shelly is
gone literary.
Shelly (05:03):
You know it.
And today's theme is"ModernMiracles and Strange
Inventions."
Archie (05:08):
Mm-hmm.
Inspired by the stick personseries t-shirt that says"the
closest thing we have to magicis electricity." And it's true.
No one understands how it works.
You can't see it, and it has allthese cryptic symbols.
Shelly (05:25):
Sounds like magic to me.
Arch, do you have any moreprofound revelations before we
start?
Archie (05:31):
Hmm.
Lemme see here.
Um oh, oh, uh hmm.
No, no.
None at the moment, but I can'tpromise I won't have one in a
little bit.
Shelly (05:42):
Well, as always, I'll be on the edge of my seat, but
while we wait, let me set themood with a little 18th Century
German poetry.
Archie (05:51):
Huh?
Yeah.
Somehow I'm not all thatsurprised.
Please, please, regale us.
Shelly (05:58):
Here I go.
I am now, what Joy to hear it!--Of the old magician rid; and
hence forth shall every spiritdo whate'er by me is bid.
I have watched with rigor all heused to do, and will now with
vigor work my wonders too.
Archie (06:20):
Huh?
Sounds like someone's gonna findout that watching and doing are
two different things.
Shelly (06:26):
Right you are.
This is the opening stanzas ofGoethe's the Sorcerer's
Apprentice.
Archie (06:34):
Like, uh, Mickey Mouse in Fantasia.
Shelly (06:37):
The very same one.
The Apprentice gets tired offetching water, so he enchants a
broom to do it.
And now come ye well wornbroomstick, take ye cloth and
grain with you.
Be a servant like the former,and as quickly come to view.
Ah, your head dear fellow, nowin haste, adorn; you are as
(07:01):
spruce as ever.
Now don't stay forlorn, wander,wander onward lightly, so that
rightly flow, the torrent andthe teeming waters yonder and
the bath discharge, its current.
Archie (07:15):
So he's dressed the broom up like a servant and, and
forced it to fetch water.
Shelly (07:20):
Yeah.
And it works out great at first.
Mm-hmm.
The problem happens when thebroom won't stop.
It fetches buckets and buckets.
And the kid, he's starting topanic.
Oh boy, hmm.
I have done the service longenough.
I wean come no longer.
I desire thee cease now broomthy furious flight.
(07:43):
Bring me not another bucket.
Ah, thy looks do terrify me.
Wretches born of hell and night.
No, I cannot let thee hold it, Iwill seize it.
Hold it fast.
Oh.
With beating threats and magic,will I try and stop thy path.
See! Once more he goes and getsit! And how the bath is
(08:05):
overflowing! Lord and masterhear my prayer! Ah, he comes, he
comes, the master! Lord, thedanger is past! Ah, the sorcerer
is words of might! He hasbanished the spirits to night!
Archie (08:21):
Oh, well I felt that in my soul.
You know, that was me last weekwith the AC unit blowing hot air
and refusing to turn off.
I couldn't unplug it.
It wouldn't stop.
Same energy.
Mm-hmm.
Only there was no old mastercall.
Shelly (08:36):
Well, that's because you are the old master.
Archie (08:38):
Ooh, okay.
Yeah, no, I set myself up forthat one.
I get it.
Shelly (08:43):
Oh, just a little bit.
Archie (08:44):
Yeah.
So I, I like the dramaticreading and all, but I'm
guessing that was a setup.
Shelly (08:50):
Mm.
Your instinct is correct.
However, my story doesn'tinvolve a magic broom, but it's
definitely magic broom adjacent.
It involves a"fully automated,intelligent grooming station."
Archie (09:03):
Oh, no.
Shelly (09:04):
Oh yes.
So this thing, it looks morelike one of those retro egg
chair meets a car wash.
Big glass dome, touchscreenpanel, automated everything:
shampoo, rinse, blow, dry,detangle fluff.
Archie (09:20):
Like a Jetsons version of a dog groomer.
Shelly (09:23):
Exactly.
And on day one, it does impressme.
Ralph's fur is so clean, itshine.
Smells like coconut- lavender.
He even gets a little bow tie atthe end and he hates
accessories.
But I have to say he lookedpretty good.
So what's the problem?
Well, the problem's day two, Iput Ralph in for another run,
not even a full cycle, just atouch up and halfway through I
(09:46):
hear this weird"whirrrr" soundand the touchscreen freezes.
No response, no cancel button.
Archie (09:56):
Oh no.
Oh no, that's, that's broomenergy.
Shelly (09:59):
Mm-hmm.
Ralph's in there spinning theair dryer's on loop.
His fur's fluffing'em up moreand more and I'm yelling,"stop"
waving at the sensors.
Nothing.
Archie (10:10):
Did you unplug it?
Shelly (10:11):
Well, I tried, but the plug had one of those childproof
safety lock things on it.
Course I swear I don't know whois meant to be capable of
operating one of those things.
Archie (10:20):
That's worse than having a metal shelving unit in the
way.
So what'd you do?
Shelly (10:25):
Well, I ended up having to flip the circuit breaker for
the whole back room.
Archie (10:28):
Oh, smart.
Yeah.
And uh, Ralph?
Shelly (10:32):
Oh, looked like a puffer fish with legs.
His fur, was so staticky hestuck to the side of my pants.
And don't even ask how long ittook to calm him down.
He wouldn't come near anythingwith a motor for a week.
Archie (10:47):
Lessons learned?
Shelly (10:48):
If a stranger shows up offering miracle tech, close the
door.
And if they leave it anyway,don't plug it in.
'Cause you never know.
It may be too good at the thingit's promising to do and it may
do more.
Archie (11:03):
Huh?
Why do I feel like there's moreto this story?
Shelly (11:06):
Because there is.
You see the back room at thePlay N Stay shares a wall with
the yoga studio next door.
And once the AI unit synced tothe network.
It started thinking we were theyoga studio and adjusted the
lights and sound and tempaccordingly.
It even hijacked the Bluetoothspeaker.
(11:26):
Spa music full blast.
Archie (11:28):
Oh, sounds relaxing.
Shelly (11:30):
Ah, you would think, but Ralph's already on edge from
being fluffed into a cottonball.
So when that music starts up andthe heat kicks on, he panics.
Bolts for the back hallway.
Archie (11:43):
Trying to escape.
Shelly (11:44):
Yep.
And I'm yelling"Ralph," but he'shaving none of it.
Archie (11:49):
Oh, he's had enough.
Shelly (11:50):
He nosed to open the staff door, darted through the
connecting hallway anddisappeared.
Archie (11:55):
Into the wild?
Shelly (11:57):
No.
Thank goodness.
Into the yoga studio next door.
Oh dear.
Which makes no real sense whenyou think about it, but the
session was over and everyonewas in savasana.
Archie (12:09):
Okay, so, so more relaxing than at the Play N
Stay.
Shelly (12:13):
At the moment.
Yeah, he makes a beeline for avacant mat, flops down and just
lays there.
Like he invented savasana.
One of the regulars says,"oh,I've seen him through the
window.
He's chill." And I'm like,"nottoday.
He's not."
Archie (12:29):
Oh dear.
Gives new mean into the termdownward dog, huh?
Yeah.
You know, I, I hate to say it,but at least it was your dog.
You traumatized and not somebodyelse's.
Shelly (12:40):
Oh, that's a good point.
You know, there's somethingweird too, that man,
Archie (12:46):
yeah.
Shelly (12:47):
He never came back for the contraption.
It's just sitting in the back,taking up space.
Didn't give me a card oranything.
Archie (12:53):
You know, if it's still there, the next time I'm out,
I'd like to take a look at it.
Shelly (12:58):
You got it.
'cuz just don't climb in it.
Archie (13:00):
Oh.
Oh.
You don't have to tell me twice,but you know, I, I'm just
realizing something.
Shelly (13:06):
What's that?
Archie (13:08):
Well, I think it was my turn to start off with the story
this week.
Shelly (13:12):
Oh, no.
Archie (13:14):
Mm-hmm.
Shelly (13:14):
I got too excited about my poem.
Archie (13:16):
Yep.
Shelly (13:17):
I jumped ahead.
My bad Arch.
Archie (13:19):
It's all right.
I just wanted to point it out'cause I'm sure some astute
listener will wonder if we didaway with our system.
We haven't.
We're just, we're just doingthings different today.
Shelly (13:30):
That's right.
We like to keep everybody ontheir toes.
Right.
That's exactly what I was doing.
Archie (13:35):
There you go.
Shelly (13:35):
Thanks Arch for clearing up the confusion.
Archie (13:38):
Well, if there was any.
Shelly (13:40):
If there was any.
Mm-hmm.
Well, I guess we should get toyour story.
What do you have for us today?
Archie (13:46):
Well, all right.
Mine's not about a smartmachine, so to speak, but let me
tell you about the time greatuncle Larry tried to bring the
future to the fish camp.
Shelly (13:58):
Is that really a place that needs to be dragged into
the future?
Archie (14:02):
Not at all.
No.
No.
But great Uncle Larry couldn'thelp himself.
Shelly (14:05):
Mm.
He never could.
Archie (14:08):
That's right.
Now, uh, all of y'all have heardabout Uncle Larry before, I
think, and if not, well, itdoesn't matter much.
The point is, Larry is maw-maw'smiddle brother now.
Back when he was younger, he wasthe quiet one, but something
shifted in the eighties.
He got real into gadgets.
(14:29):
If it plugged in, uh, spunaround or beeped.
Larry wanted it.
So when one of our family's FishCamp Weekends rolled around,
Larry shows up with this boxlabeled"Fully Integrated
Breakfast Experience."
Shelly (14:45):
Oh, please tell me it came with a handle and way too
many warning labels.
Archie (14:48):
Oh, indeed it did.
Indeed, it did.
Now, uh, he had this thing allwrapped up nice and tight and,
and cushioned with egg crates inthe back of his pickup.
You'd think it was the fragilestthing known to man the way he
had that contraption in the bedof his truck.
Shelly (15:03):
Well, it's a wonder he just didn't put it in the
passenger seat and belt it in.
Archie (15:07):
Well, it, it was too far, too big for that.
Plus no seat belts.
Shelly (15:12):
Oh, was it pre seatbelt days?
Archie (15:14):
I don't know if it was the pre seatbelt days, but I do
know that there weren't any inthat truck.
Mm-hmm.
Also, not in that truck or inany other vehicle at the camp
for that matter was a cassetteplayer.
Shelly (15:27):
A cassette player.
What on earth for?
Archie (15:29):
That's right.
Yeah.
Well, it came with aninstructional cassette.
Shelly (15:33):
Well, that's handy if you have a player.
Archie (15:35):
Correct.
Yeah.
Uncle Larry could have also usedthem in writing.
Shelly (15:40):
Well, did he check the liner notes?
Archie (15:42):
I'm guessing that if he did, there wasn't anything
useful there'cause Uncle Larryseemed to be winging it.
Putting whatever cable here andconnecting a, a part to another
part over there.
Any which way I.
There didn't seem to be much ofa method, not, not that I could
discern anyway.
Shelly (15:59):
Sounds like trouble waiting to happen.
Archie (16:02):
Hmm, don't it?
So anyway, this contraption wassupposed to toast bread, brew
coffee, and poach eggs all atonce.
Larry called it the future ofbreakfast.
You know what maw-maw called it?
Shelly (16:16):
What?
Archie (16:17):
Unnecessary.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Shelly (16:21):
Well, it does sound like a dare disguised as convenience.
Wait a minute.
Did the fish camp even haveelectricity then?
Archie (16:28):
Oh, no, of course not.
Didn't get wired until thenineties.
Shelly (16:31):
Well.
So how,
Archie (16:33):
Oh, he brought a, he brought a, a portable generator
to power it.
Gas powered loud as a lawnmowerwith asthma.
Oh, and definitely noteco-friendly.
That's right.
Set it up right there beside thecabin, underneath the kitchen
window.
Shelly (16:48):
Well, there is nothing better than mixing the fresh
lake air with generator exhaustfumes.
Archie (16:53):
Oh, yeah.
Adds a little flavor to the foodtoo.
Shelly (16:57):
That's really gross.
Archie (16:58):
Yeah, so we all go to bed with the promise that
breakfast in the morning will befuturistic.
Those are Larry's words, notours.
Shelly (17:07):
Mm-hmm.
Archie (17:09):
So next morning around six, we hear it.
(Noise), cl.
Shelly (17:18):
Oh no.
Archie (17:19):
Yeah, that thing's already running.
Larry's got a clipboard.
He's taking notes like he'sconducting the lab experiment.
He's got the generator going,cords running through the cabin
window, and the smell of burnttoast just fill in the air.
Shelly (17:35):
That's not a good sign.
Archie (17:37):
Nope.
Nope.
And then the egg poachersection.
God bless it.
It makes this high pitched hissand it lets out a pop loud
enough to wake the fish.
Shelly (17:47):
Did it explode?
Archie (17:49):
Did it explode?
Egg yolk on the curtains.
Oh, egg whites on Larry.
Parts just everywhere.
Shelly (17:57):
What about the coffee?
Archie (17:59):
The coffee?
Well, it brewed.
I'll give it that.
But Larry didn't realize thatthe heating element was directly
above the power switch.
Now it burned the letteringclean off and it melted the
switch to the on position.
Shelly (18:13):
Oh, no.
So everything's burnt andscrambled and stuck to on.
Archie (18:18):
Exactly.
You know, Larry's trying torewire it with a flashlight in
his mouth, a a lunchbox full ofbackup cables and a screwdriver
he found in the bait bucket.
And there's maw-maw just staringat him and she says.
"You do know we have a fire pitand the cast iron, right?"
Shelly (18:37):
Sounds like her.
Yep.
So did he ever get it working?
Archie (18:42):
Well, technically, yes.
He managed to get one slice oftoast, halfway golden for the
whole thing tripped thegenerator again.
Oh, that's when maw maw took hisnotebook, tossed it in the
cooler and said"Breakfast isover.
We're doing fish and biscuits."Yeah.
Shelly (19:00):
A culinary pivot.
Archie (19:01):
Exactly, and you know what?
That meal was perfect.
Mm, catfish on a skillet.
Biscuits baked in the dutch ovenand coffee boiled right in the
pot.
No switches, no motors.
Just fire and folks.
Shelly (19:17):
Which is the miracle, really.
Archie (19:20):
Right.
You know, Larry still swears hewas this close to cracking the
code, but every time we bring itup, maw-maw would just smile and
say,"miracles are nice, butbreakfast should never need a
backup generator."
Shelly (19:33):
Was that the first time Larry brought some kind of
contraption to the Fish Camp?
Archie (19:36):
Oh, oh, no, no, no.
Not by a long shot.
This was just the loudest one.
He had a whole streak there inthe early eighties.
Every year it was something new.
Shelly (19:47):
Like what?
Archie (19:49):
Oh, well, let's see.
Um, oh, there, there was a onetime there was, uh, the solar
powered mosquito zapper.
Uhhuh.
Shelly (19:56):
Ah.
Archie (19:57):
Oh yeah.
Only it never held a charge longenough to do any a zapping, so
it instead it just lit up thepicnic table like a bug disco.
Yep.
Oh, oh.
And then there was, uh, therewas the time he brought the, uh,
voice activated fish caller.
Shelly (20:14):
Wait, what you mean?
Like,
Archie (20:16):
like"here fishy, fishy?" Yeah.
No, it played underwaterrecordings of what, uh, Larry
claimed were mating calls ofbass and blue gill.
It sounded more like, uh, a, oneof them dial up modems.
Just garg and gravel.
Shelly (20:32):
Well, did it work?
Archie (20:33):
No, of course not.
Unless you count attracting avery confused snapping turtle
that took off one of the oars.
Shelly (20:40):
Oh, well now I kind of want one.
Archie (20:42):
Oh, and then there was the, uh, foot pedaled ice cream
churn.
Yeah.
That one almost worked till popsgot a little too into it and
spun himself into the side ofthe cabin.
Yeah.
Shelly (20:55):
Did the ice cream survive?
Archie (20:56):
Oh, thankfully, yeah.
Yeah.
It was chocolate mint.
Strong on the mint, weak on thechocolate, but still cold and
earned.
Uh, that one might've beenLarry's greatest success.
Shelly (21:07):
One day someone's gonna find all his inventions in a
shed somewhere and assume he wasbuilding a time machine.
Archie (21:14):
Uh, wouldn't surprise me, just don't plug anything in
without wearing some safetygoggles.
Shelly (21:19):
You know?
Archie (21:20):
Hmm.
Shelly (21:20):
I only managed to make it out to that fish camp a
couple of times, but that placewas special.
Archie (21:26):
Yeah, it was.
Mosquitoes get bad in the summermonths, but, uh.
You know, we go about four timesa year or so, depending.
Spend a long weekend.
It wasn't much, but there wasroom for all of us and, and
plenty of fishing spots.
Shelly (21:41):
Yeah.
The only fish I ever caught wasthere.
Really?
Yep.
Along with the only case topoison ivy.
Archie (21:48):
Oh, my dear.
It does grow strong out there.
You gotta be careful.
Shelly (21:52):
It was fall, remember?
Mm-hmm.
And the leaves were off thevines.
I was off exploring and ran intoa whole bunch hanging on a tree.
I thought,"oh, these are perfectto twist into crowns." So I
made, I don't know, somethinglike five crowns.
I was so proud of myself.
I wore mine out of the woods andinto camp, and I was planning on
passing out my extras, but thedinner bell rang, so I put them
(22:14):
down and forgot all about them,which is a very good thing, but
I wore my crown all night.
And next morning I woke up witha rash around my forehead,
smeared down my cheeks, and allover my hands.
I looked so ridiculous.
Archie (22:31):
Oh, yeah, I, I remember you looked more than ridiculous.
I didn't know someone's handcould puff up like that, and
that perfect stripe of rashacross your forehead.
Now that was something tobehold.
Goodness.
Shelly (22:44):
Everyone was so nice about it, but I can only imagine
what a site I must have beenwhen I walked into breakfast
that morning.
Archie (22:51):
I remember your mama dropped her coffee and, and Aunt
Evelyn let out the highest pitchsqueak I'd ever heard.
Like she was trying to holdsomething in, but a little bit
escaped.
Right.
I, I'm pretty sure my jaw hitthe floor.
I know my pancakes fell outta mymouth back onto the plate.
Oh no.
Everyone was frozen exceptmaw-maw, and she took one look
at you and said,"well, I'm gladwe remembered to bring the
(23:13):
oatmeal this time, but it lookslike we won't be eating it."
Shelly (23:18):
Oh man.
And it started to spread allover.
Oh.
Oh yeah.
I spent the rest of that tripsoaking in oatmeal bath or
slathered with calamine lotion.
Archie (23:27):
Yeah.
They had to put your socks onyour hands, like little mittens.
Shelly (23:31):
Partly to keep me from scratching myself to death, and
partly to keep the calaminelotion soaked in.
Archie (23:36):
Listen, when you're all itch at calamine lotion, sure
does seem like magic.
Shelly (23:40):
Better magic was that steroid shot I got once we got
back into town.
Archie (23:45):
And I shouldn't have laughed too hard at you that
following spring I got the worstcase of chiggers I ever had.
Shelly (23:53):
Yeah, it serves you right.
And those are harder to get ridof than poison ivy, right?
Archie (23:57):
They don't call it the seven year itch for no reason.
Oh, here's the lesson, folks.
If you're in Alabama, in thefall, in the woods, and you see
a vine, don't think grapes.
And if you're in the woods, inthe springtime, do not picnic on
a decaying tree stump, even ifit's perfectly situated beside a
creek.
Shelly (24:16):
Trust us.
You don't need to learn theselessons the hard way.
Mm-hmm.
Take Archie's word for it.
Archie (24:22):
Oh, oh.
And always, always checkyourself for ticks.
Shelly (24:26):
Always check for ticks.
That's good advice, Archie.
Mm-hmm.
Any more woodsy advice or shouldwe move on?
Archie (24:32):
Uh, no.
No.
That's it for me from now.
Shelly (24:37):
All right then that brings us to the end of this
week's tales.
Archie (24:41):
You've made it through exploding eggs, grooming gone
wrong, and poison ivy royalty.
Bless you.
Shelly (24:48):
We'd love to hear what y'all thought.
Which story hit hardest?
Was it Archie with Uncle Larry'sExploding Breakfast,
Archie (24:55):
or Shelly with Ralph's modern grooming experience?
Shelly (24:59):
Be sure to vote for your favorite tale over on our
Instagram.
And if you've got a story ofyour own that ties into the
theme, maybe something involvinga modern miracle that didn't
quite deliver, we'd love to hearit.
Archie (25:10):
Or read it on a future episode.
You never know.
Shelly (25:13):
That's right.
You never know.
Archie (25:15):
Mm-hmm.
Shelly (25:16):
Well, should we do quote time?
Archie (25:18):
Uh, I'm ready if you are.
Shelly (25:20):
So folks, this is the section of the episode where we
try and give you something toponder by sharing a quote that
is more or less theme related.
Archie (25:29):
That's right.
Uh, some weeks we're better atit than others, but, uh, we try
just the same.
Shelly (25:34):
Okay.
So, mm-hmm.
Mine for this week is Author CClark, a brilliant English
sci-fi writer, best known for2001: a Space Odyssey.
Mm-hmm.
He said,"any sufficientlyadvanced technology is
indistinguishable from magic."Yeah.
And let me tell you thatgrooming station sure did feel
like magic when it startedgrooming Ralph into oblivion.
Archie (25:55):
I, I definitely think it counts as magic if your dog ends
up looking like a dandelion midsneeze, but Clark's right when
you don't understand howsomething works, it can feel
like you've conjured up amiracle.
Shelly (26:09):
Or like the sorcerer's apprentice, a flood and a
demented broomstick.
Archie (26:15):
Yeah, I don't know if that broomstick was demented as
much as it was just doing whatit was told.
It just had no off switch,that's all.
Or at least an off switch thatthe apprentice could get to.
And, and, well, he's not theonly one who's been in that
place.
Shelly (26:29):
You and me both.
It's wild, isn't it?
All this tech promising to makelife easier and sometimes, well,
it just makes things weirder.
Archie (26:39):
Yep.
Faster ain't always better.
More buttons does not alwaysmean more peace.
Shelly (26:45):
Remember, maw-maw used to say"if it takes longer to
figure out how to use it than ittakes to do the thing yourself,
don't bother."
Archie (26:52):
Yeah.
She also called remote controls,"lazy wands."
Shelly (26:56):
Oh yeah.
I love that one.
Yeah, but she's right, man.
Some stuff feels like magic, butreal magic, like the kind that
last is knowing how to do athing well with your own two
hands.
At least that's what I think.
Archie (27:10):
That's right.
Or with help from folks who knowwhat they're doing.
That's the other kind of magicif you ask me: community and
patience.
Shelly (27:18):
That and maybe a solid flashlight and a backup charger.
Archie (27:22):
Always prepared,
Shelly (27:24):
not paranoid.
Archie (27:25):
Hey,
Shelly (27:28):
you know what's wild?
If you could have described asmartphone to maw-maw when she
was a kid, or heck, even whenshe was an adult, she would
think that you were making up atall tale.
Archie (27:38):
And if you told Larry he'd be outwitted by an egg
poacher, he'd think you weremaking it up too.
Which brings me to my quote,it's from Carl Sagan.
He was an astronomer and ascience educator.
If you ever watched"Cosmos,"that was him.
He said,"we live in a societyexquisitely dependent on science
(27:59):
and technology in which hardlyanyone knows anything about
science and technology."
Shelly (28:05):
Oh, I feel like that one stings a little.
Archie (28:07):
Hey, it is not meant to shame.
It's just a thought to chew on.
You know, we got all these toolsand, and they're incredible, but
when we lean on them withoutunderstanding, well, that's when
breakfast blows up or your dogends up in a yoga studio.
Shelly (28:22):
Yeah, if it turns a golden retriever into a flight
risk, then you might not beusing it right.
Archie (28:28):
Miracles are mighty tempting, but so is the simple
skillet and some common sense.
Shelly (28:34):
Oh, and folks, we're gonna leave it right there with
those sage words from Archie.
Thanks for sitting with us awhile.
Archie (28:43):
You're always welcome on the porch.
Shelly (28:45):
Bye bye.
What's that?
Miley?
Archie (28:48):
Hmm.
Uh, oh,
Shelly (28:50):
Shoot.
We forgot about the merch, Arch.
Archie (28:54):
That's all right.
Uh, here, uh, where is it?
Yeah.
As I say on the blog, if we everneed a reminder, well, I know a
t-shirt that'll do the trick.
It's atwww.notquiterightgoods.com where
you can find the"electricity isthe closest thing we have to
magic" t-shirt and so much more,including the page for this
(29:16):
podcast.
Shelly (29:17):
I don't know how we skip past that.
Archie (29:19):
It doesn't matter.
We got it in.
Joe (29:24):
This has been a not quite right goods production.
Starring Joe Laureiro is Archieand Holland Renton as Shelly.
Written, directed and edited byHolland Renton.
Music sourced via Descript stocklibrary.
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