July 10, 2025 • 35 mins
🎙 Episode 7: Bad Decisions with Good Intentions
Some choices are heartfelt. Others are... herb-scented mistakes waiting to happen.
This week, Archie shares a family story from Baldwin County, where Pops faced down a machine and proved that stubbornness might just be a superpower. Meanwhile, Shelly learns that not every plant swap is what it seems—and that labeling matters, especially when your backyard starts to smell like a soap factory.
Also in this episode:
- Porch philosophy from Will Rogers and Mark Twain
- Hammer-swinging pride, mislabeled good intentions, and live action frogger
- Ralph starts a surprise home improvement project
đź’¬ Listener Vote:
Which tale took the scenic route to disaster? Vote at notquiterightgoods.com/pages/two-frogs-talking or on Instagram @notquiterightgoods.
🛍 This Week’s Tee:
From the Southern Sayings collection: “Ain’t got the sense God gave a goose.”
Wear it when your confidence writes checks your hindsight wouldn’t cash.
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Archie (00:02):
You, you know what really gets in my crawl space?
Shelly (00:05):
I don't, but I bet we're about to find out.
Archie (00:07):
Yes ma'am.
You are.
It really gets my goat when abody doesn't return the cart to
the cart corral.
I mean, how hard is it to walkan extra 20 steps?
They're there for a reason andand it's not just to decorate a
parking lot.
Shelly (00:23):
No, they are not decorations.
Archie (00:25):
Well, there are some folks walking around who
obviously haven't figured thatout yet.
I walk outta the grocery storejust in time to see a wayward
cart roll from where it wasabandoned, right into my Betsy.
Shelly (00:38):
Oh no.
Is Betsy okay?
Archie (00:40):
Oh, she'll be fine.
Nothing to good buff and shinecan't handle, but that's not the
point.
The point is folks being solazy, or self-absorbed or, or
both that they can't use thething designed to keep order and
safety.
Shelly (00:54):
Well, what if there's a reason behind leaving the cart
or the whatever, like one that'snot obvious and the person made
a one-off choice between puttinga cart away and i, I don't know.
Archie (01:05):
No, that's right.
You don't know.
'cause there ain't no goodreason to just leave her cart.
Shelly (01:10):
Her kid's having a meltdown and, and time is of the
essence.
She doesn't want to leave thekid screaming in the car for the
time it would take to return thecart and the kid's embarrassing
her.
And everyone is staring like,"Lady, get that kid under
control.
What's wrong with you?" So thecart gets abandoned while she
speeds away before too muchjudgment can be hurled at her.
Archie (01:28):
This sounds like more than a hypothetical.
Shelly (01:31):
Well, remember how I nannied during college.
I only worked for that onefamily and they were great.
I don't know what had gotteninto the youngest one that day.
She was about three and a half.
Mm-hmm.
I think probably just overtired.
I mean, she had missed her napand I had to take her to the
store while her brother was atsoccer to pick up a couple of
things for dinner.
Archie (01:52):
Well, that, that sounds like a lot.
Shelly (01:53):
Well, people do it every day.
Archie (01:55):
Well, it, it still doesn't make it not a lot.
Shelly (01:58):
Well, I think folks might appreciate that
perspective.
Archie (02:01):
I'm just calling it as I see it.
Well, now what caused the show?
Shelly (02:05):
She wanted something, I don't even remember what, but I
wouldn't let her have it, cuemeltdown.
It was all I could do to get herback in the cart into the car.
Legs and arms were flying.
I'm surprised I didn't getclipped by an elbow.
So yeah, I left the cart in theparking space and I probably
left some item in the wrongaisle too.
Archie (02:27):
Okay, see now that's another one that really gets me.
All right.
Folks who leave whatever groceryitem that they don't want in
whatever aisle that they come tothat decision.
I mean, nobody wants to be metwith a warming package of ground
chuck in the paper towelsection.
Shelly (02:43):
Sounds like you had an experience at Win Dixie this
morning.
Archie (02:47):
That I did all right.
That I did, and don't even getme started on them self
checkouts.
It does not save time.
It gives the illusion to savingtime'cause you're doing the work
instead of standing and waiting.
But in truth, you're still, youstill end up waiting.
Either you're behind, someonestruggling to scan a bag of
frozen peas or, or for the oneline with an actual breathing
(03:10):
soul running it.
Shelly (03:12):
I'm usually the one struggling to scan the frozen
peas.
Archie (03:15):
Well, you and everyone else, but it doesn't stop'em.
I mean, at this rate, thestore's gonna stop stocking
shelves altogether and hand usclipboards so we can pick items
ourselves from the warehouse.
Experience driven shopping.
No, you mark my words.
You're laughing, but you'll see.
Shelly (03:32):
Well, I'm marking your words.
They are marked.
Mm-hmm.
Is that all or is there more youneed to unload?
Archie (03:39):
Well, I could go into how in the middle of the night
the store decides it needs torearrange everything, so we all
spend more money.
Only result being I wanderaround twice as long trying to
find the bread, but I won't.
Shelly (03:52):
Whoa.
That is such self-restraint.
Archie (03:56):
Mm-hmm.
It's one of my strengths.
Instead, I'll tell you whathappened next at the hardware
store.
Mm-hmm.
Shelly (04:03):
You are on one today.
Okay.
But shoot, but before you start,why don't we tell these folks
who we are and what we aredoing?
Archie (04:12):
Oh, okay.
Yeah.
Well, that's, that's probably agood idea.
Shelly (04:15):
Okay.
I'll start.
Hi there, I'm Shelly.
Archie (04:18):
And I'm Archie.
Shelly (04:20):
Welcome to the porch for Two Frogs Talking.
Archie (04:22):
One part telling tales,
Shelly (04:24):
one part talking life,
Archie (04:27):
all parts a bit not quite right.
Shelly (04:31):
Alright, Archie, we've made it through the intro.
Indeed and yes, folks before hegets going.
We did do that differently.
The old way just wasn't working.
Archie (04:40):
So why stick with something for the sake of
sticking with it?
Shelly (04:43):
Agreed.
Now.
Archie, you had something to sayabout the hardware store?
Archie (04:48):
I do.
Okay.
Uh, I'm in the line at thehardware store.
It's a small one, not the bigbox kind.
And, and lady in front of me hasgot six cans of paint in her
cart.
Same color.
I know.
'cause I leaned in a little tocheck.
Shelly (05:02):
Of course you did.
Archie (05:03):
Uhhuh guy behind the counter asks if she wants them
to mix the paint or throw insome stirrers.
She looks at him like he justasked her to disassemble a
transmission.
Shelly (05:15):
Uh oh, the vacant stare.
Yeah.
There's never anything goodbehind that.
Archie (05:19):
She goes,"Wait, you have to mix paint?
Can't I just give the tin alittle shake when I get home?" I
nearly dropped my basket.
Shelly (05:28):
I mean, maybe it's not common knowledge that paint
separates?
Archie (05:31):
I guess, but I not knowing is one thing.
It's more the way she reacted.
That really got me scratching myhead.
Shelly (05:39):
Why?
What'd she do?
Archie (05:41):
Well, when the guy tries explaining how the color settles
and the machine mixes itproperly, she huffs and says,
"Well, excuse me for not knowingpaint science."
Shelly (05:51):
Ooh, paint science.
I didn't know that was a thing.
Archie (05:54):
I think it actually may be.
Hmm.
But what got me was herattitude.
Instead of having the sense torecognize when a person's trying
to be helpful, she made herignorance his fault.
Shelly (06:06):
Oh.
That's the thing about having nosense.
The person without it is usuallykind of blind to it.
Archie (06:11):
Yep.
Takes being called out on itlike my dad did to me.
Shelly (06:15):
When was that?
Archie (06:17):
Well, on numerous occasions.
But, uh, the one that's mostclear is the time my friends
dared me to play real lifeFrogger.
Shelly (06:27):
Oh, Archie, tell me you didn't.
Archie (06:29):
Yeah, well, I wish I could, but those were my
impulsive years and the dare wasnot to be ignored.
At the decided time and place,my buddies and a group of lookie
louses gathered on the serviceroad at Airport Boulevard.
And uh, I had my discman.
Never forget I had the new PearlJam album in my ears.
You know, Jeremy spoke.
(06:50):
Can't you know, you know the oneclassic?
I do.
Alright, so that's bangingaround in my ears.
I look left, I look right.
And when I went to take a step,I felt a yank up and back away
from the city bus barrelingright towards me.
Oh, I swear I looked both waysbefore starting to cross and I,
I don't know how I didn't seeit.
Shelly (07:11):
Well, who pulled you back?
Archie (07:13):
My dad.
See, he'd gotten wind of thewhole thing.
And well, good thing he gotthere when he did.
I would've been pancaked.
Shelly (07:20):
Your poor dad.
His heart must have been in histhroat.
He could have lost another sonto a car accident.
Archie (07:25):
Yeah.
Well, yeah.
I didn't really take that intoconsideration at the time.
Later when the realization hitme, well, let's just say it
hangs heavy.
Shelly (07:37):
I'm sure it does.
Archie (07:39):
And I never forget what dad said of all the things he
could have said.
And you have to imagine him asangry and as red face as he's
ever been.
He says,"Son.
You ain't got the sense God gavea goose." a goose.
Okay.
I never lived that one down.
Shelly (07:57):
Oh, that serves you right.
Archie (07:58):
Yeah.
Well, kids at school startedhonking at me.
They wouldn't let it alone.
I got honked at as I crossed thestage to get my diploma
graduation.
Shelly (08:07):
How old were you when you attempted Frogger?
Archie (08:10):
I was 16 around there.
So two good years of honkingbefore we went, all went our
separate ways.
Shelly (08:17):
Well deserved, in my opinion.
I mean, that was a boneheadedthing to try to do.
Archie (08:21):
Well, you're not wrong.
Shelly (08:23):
I mean, it's right up there with the time you No, no,
no, no.
Wait, wait.
Before I start, before I start?
Archie (08:28):
Mm-hmm.
Shelly (08:29):
I want to point out that Archie has introduced the theme
of today's episode with hisFrogger story.
Archie (08:34):
That's right.
This, this episode's theme isthe Southern saying:"ain't got
the sense God gave a goose."
Shelly (08:41):
And Archie is proving a wealth of material on the
subject.
Archie (08:45):
Well, I'm always glad to be useful.
Shelly (08:49):
Well, before I start the story, folks.
There's something, veryimportant you gotta know about
Archie.
Archie (08:55):
Oh boy, here we go.
Shelly (08:56):
And you wouldn't know it by looking at him, but he is a
romantic at heart.
Archie (09:01):
Alright.
Alright.
Where are you going with thisShell?
Shelly (09:04):
See.
He doesn't deny it.
Archie would rather watch arom-com than an action thriller.
Archie (09:10):
Alright, now you're giving away all my secrets.
Shelly (09:12):
Mm-hmm.
When he was around 13.
A girl moved into the street andhe fell hard for her.
Archie (09:20):
So that's where you're going.
Shelly (09:23):
Uhhuh.
It is.
Archie (09:24):
Allison.
Allison.
No.
That was her name.
Yeah.
She used to pass by her houseevery weekday on the way to sit
for the McMillan kids.
But, uh, she didn't ever seem tonotice me.
Shelly (09:38):
Well, most 15-year-old girls don't want anything to do
with 13-year-old boys.
Hmm.
But.
That wasn't gonna stop Archie.
He devised a foolproof way toget her attention.
Archie (09:51):
Hey, it worked.
Shelly (09:52):
Hey, now.
Now don't try to get ahead ofthis.
Archie (09:55):
Well, you won't let me.
Shelly (09:56):
Nope, I won't because they need to know this.
Okay.
See, Archie's plan was to jumpover three trash cans on his
bike while popping a wheelie.
And he was going to time thisjump for when Allison came
walking by.
Archie (10:13):
Alright.
Now, see, I had this planned forweeks.
Uhhuh, I, I had a ramp Iborrowed from a buddy of mine
who was into skateboarding.
I, I had to borrow some trashcans, so I, I chose to do it on
the day that, you know, thetrash was, went out to the
street.
Nothing could go wrong.
Shelly (10:31):
No, nothing.
Not a, not anything at all.
Yep.
So the big day came.
And he lines his cans at thebottom of the driveway, right in
the space where the sidewalkintersects it.
Archie timed his start, just asAllison was a house away.
Their driveway ran steepdownhill toward the street, so
(10:53):
he was able to build a ton ofmomentum and he hits the ramp at
full speed.
Archie (10:58):
Now, I don't know what happened.
But what didn't happen was awheelie.
I got thrown over the handlebarsand straight into the trash can.
The next thing I know, I'mlaying over top and overturned
garbage pail.
I'm covered in garbage and myside feels like it's on fire.
I didn't even notice my arm.
Shelly (11:19):
But, Allison saw the whole thing and ran over to
help.
Archie (11:22):
That's right.
And you know what?
She signed my cast the next day.
So mission successful.
Oh yeah.
Shelly (11:31):
The moral is when it came to Allison, Archie didn't
have the sense God gave a goose,and apparently he still doesn't.
Archie (11:38):
Hey, you said it yourself.
I'm a romantic at heart.
Shelly (11:41):
That you are.
And that phrase, by the way,"ain't got the sense God gave a
goose," it sounds a bit mean,but it's usually said with love
or at least a little patience.
Archie (11:52):
Bless their hearts.
Mm.
Are you done using me to makeyour point?
Shelly (11:57):
Yes, for the time being.
Archie (11:59):
Good.
'cause I got a fellow to talkabout today who also had a big
heart and a big hammer.
Shelly (12:06):
Thor?
Archie (12:07):
Thor.
No, but that's a good guess.
Now I'm talking about JohnHenry.
Shelly (12:14):
Ah,
Archie (12:14):
John Henry.
Now, I don't know if youremember the story of John
Henry, the steel driving man.
Shelly (12:18):
He had something to do with railroads.
Archie (12:21):
Yes, he was a legend of muscle and willpower, hammering
steel to lay down railroadtracks back when this country
was stitching itself togetherwith rail ties.
See the story goes as a companybrings in a steam powered drill
to replace the workers.
Now, John Henry, not one to bemade obsolete, challenges the
machine to a contest (12:43):
man against metal.
He grabs his two hammers and hedrives steel faster than that
machine can blink and wouldn't,you know it, he wins.
He beats the drill, but theprice is steep.
See, his heart gives out fromthe effort.
And he dies with his hammer inhis hand.
(13:04):
Strongest man alive, but onlyfor so long.
Shelly (13:08):
Oh, well that makes me sad and proud all at the same
time.
Archie (13:13):
Well, it's a tale about grit and dignity, but it's also
warning.
Huh?
Don't be a John Henry.
Use your sense.
But this sort of thing ain'tjust the stuff of legend.
Something mighty similarhappened in our own family.
Shelly (13:27):
That's because our family has a running competition
against folklore.
We don't know who started it.
No one seems to wanna end it.
Archie (13:35):
That's right.
And well, this particular talecenters around William or Pops,
or the other half of maw-maw,back when he was in his
twenties, still full of vinegar.
This was long before he becamethe steady, gentle guy who kept
ice tea in the fridge and toolshung with precision.
Shelly (13:54):
I don't know.
He still kept some of thatvinegar in him though.
Remember when he got himselfstuck on the roof at 88?
Archie (14:00):
Oh, okay.
Now that's a good point.
I'd almost forgotten about that.
Shelly (14:04):
A windstorm had blown all the leaves from the trees
and rain was in the forecast.
Mm-hmm.
So he wanted the gutters cleanand he wasn't gonna wait around
for someone to get to them.
Archie (14:13):
Right.
And now out comes the ladder andup he goes up on the roof.
Only somehow the ladder getsknocked on over, so he's up
there with no way down.
Dad found him up there when hecame by for his weekly chat.
And see, William had been tryingeverything he could think of to
get maw-maw's attention, evenstamping out SOS on the ceiling.
(14:34):
But she had just gotten adiscman and was listening to her
tunes and she couldn't hear athing.
Shelly (14:40):
I can just imagine your dad pulling up and you know how
it had that peaked roof.
Yeah.
Well, I imagine Pops on theother side of that thing.
So blind to your dad, right ashe's pulling in.
That's right.
And then pops' his head justpopping up over the roof line
like a Jack in the Box.
Archie (14:57):
Well, pops did stay agile from man pushing 90, but
dad just about had a heartattack seeing him up there and
you know, pops is response,"Wellthe gutters ain't gonna clean
themselves, are they?" Come on.
Shelly (15:12):
It's classic pops.
Oh yeah.
Oh man.
Sorry to interrupt, but I had toslide that one in there.
Archie (15:18):
No, you're good, you're good.
It, it's a good opener to theone I'm fixing to tell.
Shelly (15:22):
Oh good.
Archie (15:23):
Mm-hmm.
So, okay, so this is when Popswas back in his twenties.
He was newly wed to maw-maw andworking with a small
construction crew laying trackthrough a marshy patch down in
Baldwin County.
Now the job was taken longerthan estimated and the company
wanted to push things along, sothe higher ups had a rep bring
(15:44):
out a prototype, steam poweredrail pusher.
"The Hercules," they called it.
Brought it on out, down to thesite.
It is supposed to double theoutput and cut the need for
manual workers.
And now some of the men, theywere skeptical, started asking
questions about this, that, andthe other thing.
And well, the company rep didn'thave any answers'cause the
(16:05):
Hercules hadn't been tested inthe field yet.
Shelly (16:09):
Wait to get this straight.
The Hercules hadn't ever beentested.
Archie (16:13):
Nope.
No, it, it had been tested inthe factory where it was built.
Oh.
And it worked beautifully.
So says the rep, but the menpoint out that the marsh is much
different than concrete.
Shelly (16:24):
Mm-hmm.
Archie (16:25):
And the rep assures everyone that he's been assured
that the conditions don'tmatter.
The Hercules performs the samein all conditions.
Shelly (16:36):
I see.
Archie (16:36):
Mm-hmm.
Now pops, he was young and likeI said, full of vinegar.
He knew the rhythm of the landbetter than any machine.
And when the company rep startedboasting about the machine's
efficiency Pop s muttered,something like, I could beat it
with a butter knife and the flu.
Which unfortunately some took asa challenge.
Shelly (16:58):
Of course,
Archie (17:00):
that's right.
So what'd they do?
Well, they set up a shortcourse, pops with his manual
track pusher and he had ateammate, his buddy Clyde.
It was Pops and Clyde versus theSteam Powered Beast and a four
man crew.
Shelly (17:14):
Well, that seems a bit lopsided,
Archie (17:16):
it seems so, doesn't it?
But they went for it anyway.
So the start and whistle blowsand the machine jolts forward
with a hiss and a clank andspiting steam.
And pops, well, he dug in nowasted motion, just pure rhythm
and grit.
And wouldn't you know it, theHercules couldn't handle the wet
(17:37):
terrain.
Slipped around like a pig onlinoleum.
The mud got all in, its gearsand it stalled out.
And, the company rep had moremud on him from having to scoop
it outta the machine than therewas any mud on the ground by the
time the contest was over.
Shelly (17:52):
Well, the company rep probably wasn't used to getting
his hands dirty.
Archie (17:56):
Probably not.
And every time the machinestalled, slipped or needed
adjusting, pops and Clyde keptgliding forward.
Didn't even stop for water.
They finished a full rail lengthbefore the Hercules cleared
half.
Those there say, pops didn'teven say a word.
Just tipped his cap, took a sipof sweet tea from his thermos
(18:17):
and walked off like it was justanother Thursday.
Shelly (18:20):
And that's that.
No plaque?
Archie (18:22):
Nope, no plaque, no nothing.
But maw-maw says that a fewweeks later, company man showed
up with a toolbox set, engravedwith his name.
Said it was a token ofprofessional respect.
That same toolbox sits in mygarage right now.
Tools still sharp.
Shelly (18:40):
Beside your replenishing toolbox?
Archie (18:43):
Oh, no, no, no, no.
I I, I keep those ones outtasight to avoid an accident.
No, no.
Pop Pops tools have a place ofhonor on one of my display
shelves.
Shelly (18:52):
I got it.
Mm-hmm.
So then who didn't have thesense.
The company men are Pops andClyde?
Archie (18:58):
Well, it seems like a little bit of both.
I mean, the company men broughtin a machine ill suited for the
work and not the sense to listento those who knew better and
Pops and Clyde for beingstubborn and foolish enough to
wager against a machine.
But it all turned out okay inthe end.
Shelly (19:15):
I wonder if maw-maw knew about the bet beforehand.
Archie (19:18):
My money's on.
She didn't.
Shelly (19:20):
Why?
Archie (19:22):
Because if she'd have known, there wouldn't have been
a story.
Shelly (19:25):
Well, that is true.
She would've shut that down.
You're right.
Archie (19:29):
Mm-hmm.
Yeah.
Well, well, there you have it.
My tale is told.
Shelly (19:34):
I guess I'm up then.
Archie (19:36):
You sure are.
Shelly (19:38):
All right then.
So when I was about 17, my momgot really into drought tolerant
gardening.
She'd read some article thatsaid Southern California lawns
were going to be a thing of thepast.
And the next day we were at acommunity meeting where they
were handing out bookmarks withnative plant facts.
Archie (19:59):
Aunt Dottie was never one for dragging her feet when
she got an idea in her head.
Shelly (20:03):
No, she wasn't.
So naturally she got herselfelected co-chair of the Green
Thumb Garden Swap, a communityevent where neighbors traded
cuttings and sprouts from theiryards, all neatly labeled and
potted.
Mm-hmm.
Well.
And most were labeled.
Toward the end of the setup,this man wanders in, not anyone
we recognized, drops off a trayof little sprouted starters,
(20:27):
says something like"they growfast and they're friendly" and
disappears, before we could evenask what that meant.
Archie (20:34):
Huh?
Friendly sprouts.
Shelly (20:36):
Right?
Friendly sprouts.
My mom thought it was cute andgave them labels: oregano,
lavender, and bee balm.
But, that should have readbehemoth probably in hindsight.
Archie (20:49):
She just willy-nilly labeled the plants.
Shelly (20:52):
Well.
She consulted a guide first.
Archie (20:55):
Because an untrained eye and a field guide go together
perfectly.
Shelly (20:59):
Well, you know, mom, give her some information and
she's off and running like she'san expert.
Anyway, no one picked thosefriendly sprouts, so we took
them home.
Hmm.
We planted them along the sideyard, hoping for a little nice
herb border.
And at first everything seemednormal, but within a week, one
(21:19):
of those plants grew a full footand curled around the hose reel.
Yeah.
By week two it was climbing upthe wall and made a U-turn to
the attic vent.
Archie (21:28):
No way.
Shelly (21:29):
Yes.
And I'm telling you, every timewe trimmed it back, it grew two
more trendrils.
Like it was learning.
Archie (21:38):
Like something out of a sci-fi thriller.
Shelly (21:40):
You got it.
And it wasn't the only onecausing the problems.
The"oregano" made the whole sideof the duplex smell like menthol
for a month, huh?
And the"lavender" attracted aswarm of bees so dedicated the
mail carrier refused to use thefront path.
I mean, we tried everything,vinegar, sprays, pruning.
(22:01):
We even called a guy who sworehe was a plant whisperer.
Huh?
Nothing worked.
Eventually the HOA got involved.
Archie (22:11):
Oh well, always a good time when they show up.
Shelly (22:14):
You aren't kidding.
We had to dig up the whole stripand bag the roots in contractor
bags.
It looked like we were diggingto put a pool in.
Those roots were incredible.
Some were as big around asbarrels, but others were as tiny
as threads, and we made sure toget every single one.
Mom was on her hands and kneeswith a magnifying glass, looking
(22:38):
for just any single filament.
She wasn't going to leave anychance of something growing
back.
Archie (22:43):
I mean, another quality Aunt Dottie, when she does
something, she does it all theway.
Shelly (22:49):
That she does.
Archie (22:50):
You know, I, I'm curious about the mysterious man with
the sprouts.
What'd he look like?
Shelly (22:56):
Well, he was this quiet, affable guy.
Dusty overalls, a messenger bagfull of starters.
Why?
Archie (23:03):
Huh?
Well, sounds a lot like Seed.
Shelly (23:06):
Well, you, you don't, I mean, what are the odds?
Archie (23:11):
I, I, I think pretty good.
I, if, if you were 17, thenthat's about the time.
Yeah, no, that's about the timeI, I did my trip.
I mean, uh, mm-hmm.
I mean, what if you ran intoSeed before I did?
Shelly (23:23):
I can't believe I didn't think about this when you were
telling your Seed story.
Archie (23:26):
You know, it's not out of the realm of possibility.
Seed strikes again.
Shelly (23:32):
I'm going with it.
That man was definitely Seed.
He just wasn't wearing a tin pothat.
Must have been in his bag.
Archie (23:39):
Not that your store needs any punching up, but, uh.
Well, I do like the idea thatseed passed through both our
lives.
Shelly (23:46):
Yeah, he passed through all right.
And mom's got the HOA warningletters to prove it.
Archie (23:52):
All right.
Well, now that we've identifiedthe mysterious man, any more to
add?
Shelly (23:57):
Nope.
I'll leave it there.
Archie (23:58):
Well, all right.
Let's do a quick recap before weclose out.
Shelly (24:02):
This week Archie brought us the legend of John Henry and
a pops showdown with theHercules.
Archie (24:08):
And Shelly shared a family story about a mislabeled
plant swap that turned her mom'syard into a bee attracting,
menthol smelling, jungle with amysterious figure we've heard
from before.
Shelly (24:21):
We want to know what story got to you?
Archie's machine busting muscletale, or my misadventure in
desert botany.
Archie (24:28):
See, why don't you head on over to our Instagram at
notquiterightgoods or our shopat notquiterightgoods.com and
cast your vote in our weeklypoll.
Shelly (24:37):
And while you're there, tell us if you've ever had a
project or plan go off therails, all because your heart
was in the right place, butmaybe your sense wasn't.
Archie (24:47):
A lack of sense and misplaced intentions make for
good storytelling.
Shelly (24:52):
I think we've shared the stories to prove that one.
Archie (24:55):
That machine operator, he saw pops, a frog in work
boots, and he thought to himselfbragging was the move.
He may have had the tech, but hedidn't have any sense.
Shelly (25:05):
And my mom planted mystery sprouts from a total
stranger because the tag saidfriendly.
I mean, that's not gardening.
That is wishful thinking with ashovel.
Archie (25:16):
Sometimes folks are so sure they're right.
They don't stop to wonder ifthey're being ridiculous.
Shelly (25:21):
Exactly.
It's not always about badintentions, it's a, it's about
forgetting to ask the obviousquestion, like, should I really
trust this plant?
Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
Or is it wise to bet my healthon pride?
Archie (25:35):
And as Maw-maw always said,"common sense ain't so
common."
Shelly (25:41):
Oh, no.
We have similar quotes.
Archie (25:43):
Oh, oh, that, that, that's just a bonus one.
I have another quote right here,but, uh, you go first.
Shelly (25:48):
All right.
Well then Will Rogers, theAmerican actor, known mainly for
Westerns and think a lot alikebecause he said"common sense
ain't as common as it used tobe."
Archie (26:01):
Now I feel that every day.
Shelly (26:02):
I think it's what each generation thinks of the ones on
each side, like US Gen Xersthink that some boomers and
millennials may be lacking inthat department.
Yeah.
And they probably think the sameof us.
Archie (26:14):
You know, I think it has to do with the frame of
reference.
You know, pops didn't thinkclimbing up on the roof was a
bad idea, but standing on theground from dad's perspective,
it was a plain awful idea.
Shelly (26:27):
Like planning a live action Frogger event.
Archie (26:30):
Yep.
Yep.
Just like that.
But uh, the thing about sense isthey don't care about
perspective.
Shelly (26:36):
What do you mean?
Archie (26:38):
Well, you may be able to make an argument for why you did
a thing from your perspective,but if there's no sense to that
perspective, then the argumentsof losing one.
Shelly (26:49):
Sense, it's kind of arbitrary too, isn't it?
Now that I think about it.
Archie (26:53):
Yeah, it is.
And it isn't.
And it's on a scale, I think.
Plus if you don't have an ounceof it, it can't be taught.
You either have it or you don't.
Shelly (27:06):
Like a goose.
Archie (27:07):
Yep, like a goose.
Shelly (27:11):
What's your quote?
Archie (27:12):
Well, I, I brought one from Mark Twain, you know the
American writer famous for TomSawyer and Huck Finn, right?
Well, he said"It ain't what youdon't know that gets you into
trouble.
It's what you know for sure thatjust ain't so." Oof.
Yep.
Again, that company rep, hesized up pops without knowing
him and got behind a thing justbecause of the promise of it.
(27:35):
They'd never even tested itbefore.
They didn't know what theydidn't know.
Shelly (27:40):
And my mom just knew those sprouts were oregano.
She even told a neighbor to trythem in pasta.
Archie (27:46):
Oh.
Oh, did they?
Shelly (27:47):
No.
They politely declined.
Archie (27:50):
I see then, well then the neighbors exhibited some
sense.
Shelly (27:53):
Thankfully.
But before we could stop her,our dog Bailey ate something
that looked sort of like anorange apple growing in bunches
from a vine that came from thesprouts labeled bee balm.
It wasn't poisonous, thankgoodness.
But it did turn her pee purplefor a week.
Whoa.
And she had the burps for, oh, Idon't know, it must've been a
(28:16):
good two days.
Archie (28:17):
Poor thing.
Hmm.
I'm not gonna lie though, that'sa pretty amusing side effect.
Shelly (28:23):
They produced their fruits over night, every night
until we dug them out.
One of us had to go out beforeletting Bailey out and pick all
the fruit up.
Even the high up ones, you hadto get above where Bailey could
stand on her hind legs to get tothem.
She had a taste and wanted more.
Archie (28:39):
And consequences be damned.
Shelly (28:41):
She was staining the yard too, and we couldn't take
her for a walk.
Archie (28:45):
Why not?
Shelly (28:46):
And let her leave her mark everywhere?
Archie (28:49):
Oh.
Oh, okay.
I hadn't thought of that.
What a mess that had been.
Shelly (28:53):
Yeah, it was.
Okay, so pee talk aside, thisweek's episode is brought to you
by our Southern Sayingscollection, specifically the
"Ain't Got the Sense God gave agoose" tee.
Archie (29:07):
All right.
It's perfect for when you'retrying real hard, and it all
still goes sideways.
Shelly (29:12):
Available now in the shop.
Just head over tonotquiterightgoods.com to check
it out.
Archie (29:16):
And if you're enjoying the show, tell a friend, leave
us a review, or send us your owntales of goose brained
misadventures.
We love hearing from y'all.
Shelly (29:26):
Thanks for Oh, Ralph, Ralph.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
Come here.
Come here.
Come here.
Sit, sit, sit.
Oh, Ralph.
Look, oh,
Archie (29:33):
Shell Shell, everything okay over there?
Shelly (29:35):
Yeah.
Sorry, Ralph.
Um, he's a muddy mess.
I've gotta take him to thebathroom.
Just gimme a second.
Okay.
Archie (29:40):
Oh, oh, sure.
Yeah.
Oh
Shelly (29:42):
my God, Ralph, how?
How?
Oh.
Archie (29:45):
Oh.
See now if you don't have petsand you go, and then they can't
cause messes that need to becleaned up.
And I am not one for messes.
I mean, Ralph has no sense oftiming.
Or maybe he has the perfectsense.
Shelly (29:58):
He's in the bathroom.
I just gotta go turn off thespigot.
Oh.
Archie (30:02):
Oh.
Like I was saying, maybe Ralphhas the perfect sense
perspective.
Oh boy.
Maybe get a goldfish, Shelly.
Shelly (30:18):
Oh, I'm back.
I'm back.
Archie (30:21):
Yeah.
And you have a new waterfeature, it sounds like.
Shelly (30:24):
I do.
He dug a pond.
Can you believe it?
Archie (30:28):
I hope he hasn't found a new pastime.
Shelly (30:31):
Me either.
And he's not a digger or hewasn't.
And how he twist opened thespigot.
I have no idea.
Archie (30:37):
Well, he figured out doors.
So I guess the next logicalthing is spigots.
Shelly (30:41):
I'm gonna have to put a lock on it, after I give Ralph a
bath, clean up the muddy pawprints and back fill the pond.
Archie (30:48):
You know, it sounds like you got your hands full.
Why don't we finish the sign offso you can get to it?
Shelly (30:53):
Mm.
How about you tell me anotherstory so I don't have to.
Archie (30:57):
Yeah, well you know what maw-maw would say to that?
She say"waiting only gives amess a chance to to fight back
chance to fight back." That'sright.
Shelly (31:06):
I will take my chances.
Archie (31:09):
Well, now I'm not saying procrastination runs in the
family, but I do have one UncleWayne on my mama's side who gave
the word a real run for itsmoney.
Shelly (31:20):
Oh, do tell.
Archie (31:21):
Mm-hmm.
Alright.
Well, uncle Wayne had this housejust outside of Lucedale, uh,
tin roof, wooden porch, leaninga bit from the weight of years
and bad decisions.
And one summer he noticed asmall leak in the ceiling above
his easy chair, just a littledrip after a storm.
Didn't think much of it.
Shelly (31:40):
And you're gonna tell me he patched it up with duct tape.
Archie (31:43):
Oh, no, no, that, that would've been proactive.
He just moved the chair.
Said"It don't really bother meif it don't hit me."
Shelly (31:51):
Oh, so a real go-getter of a guy, huh?
Archie (31:54):
No, you said it.
Well, a, a week later, the dripbecame a trickle.
He started laying out pots andpans to catch the water like it
was a, like, it was a jazzperformance and clangs and tinks
echoing throughout the house.
Every time it rained, it soundedlike a steel drum band
rehearsing in his living roomand still, he said,"well, there
(32:15):
ain't no sense and fixing itwhile it's raining.
And when it ain't raining, itdon't leak."
Shelly (32:20):
I can already tell where this is going.
Archie (32:22):
Oh, we're not even to the best part.
Fast forward now to the fall.
The insulation up in the atticstarting to sag from the
moisture, and one day he hearssome rustling.
And he goes up there, he finds afull grown raccoon has moved in,
brought snacks, set up a wholelittle raccoon bachelor pad.
Shelly (32:44):
Well, at least it wasn't a whole family.
Archie (32:47):
I don't know that that would've made a difference.
Waynes shrugged it off and henamed the raccoon Oscar.
Started telling people he had atenant.
Shelly (32:55):
Was Oscar paying rent?
Archie (32:57):
He was charging rent, actually.
He'd take dog food from theporch every night like
clockwork.
Shelly (33:02):
And Wayne put up with it?
Archie (33:04):
"To get along you got to go along." That's, that's
Wayne's way of thinking.
But then the winter rolls in andthat little leak turns into a
beam collapse during a cold snapright over the tv.
You know what Wayne's responseis?
He duck tapes a tarp to theceiling and watches TV from a
camp chair in the kitchen.
Shelly (33:24):
Is anyone in his life?
This man needs an intervention.
Archie (33:29):
Oh, it's coming eventually.
Grandma hears about all this andsends my mama to check in.
She finds the living room halfflooded, Oscars chewed a hole
through the pantry wall.
Oh my goodness.
And Wayne is sitting at thekitchen table eating cereal out
of a measuring cup because, andI quote,"all the bowls got
moldy."
Shelly (33:49):
Oh, oh, that.
That honestly is impressive inan absolutely horrifying way.
Archie (33:56):
Yeah.
They had to call the countyinspector.
Oh.
And he saw it.
He just took off his hat.
He looked at Wayne in the eyeand he said,"Sir, you've let
apathy win."
Shelly (34:05):
Well, he's not wrong.
Archie (34:08):
Mm-hmm.
Took three weeks, a full crewand a crowbar to get Oscar out.
Last I heard Wayne's living in acondo.
Middle floor, no attic and astrict no pets policy.
Shelly (34:21):
Did he ever admit that he should have fixed the roof?
Archie (34:24):
Not directly, but when we saw him at Thanksgiving, he
said,"I miss my chair, but Idon't miss that raccoon's
attitude."
Shelly (34:32):
Well, I mean, sometimes it can be hard to find it in you
to fix a problem, even when theproblem grows.
Archie (34:39):
But when the thing grows, it takes up more and more
space and tries.
You might to avoid it.
Eventually it starts staring youright in the face.
Shelly (34:47):
Yeah.
With claws and a mask.
Speaking of which, I had betterget to Ralph before he hardens
and I have to chisel him free.
Archie (34:56):
Well then let's tell the folks, bye.
Shelly (34:59):
You got it.
Thanks for sitting with us awhile.
Archie (35:02):
You're always welcome on the porch.
Bye
Shelly (35:05):
bye.
Oh.
My yard is a disaster and Ralphis worse.
Joe (35:14):
This has been a not quite right goods production.
Starring Joe Laureiro is Archieand Holland Renton as Shelly
written, directed and edited byHolland Renton.
Music sourced via Descript stocklibrary.
You, you know what really gets in my crawl space?
Shelly (00:05):
I don't, but I bet we're about to find out.
Archie (00:07):
Yes ma'am.
You are.
It really gets my goat when abody doesn't return the cart to
the cart corral.
I mean, how hard is it to walkan extra 20 steps?
They're there for a reason andand it's not just to decorate a
parking lot.
Shelly (00:23):
No, they are not decorations.
Archie (00:25):
Well, there are some folks walking around who
obviously haven't figured thatout yet.
I walk outta the grocery storejust in time to see a wayward
cart roll from where it wasabandoned, right into my Betsy.
Shelly (00:38):
Oh no.
Is Betsy okay?
Archie (00:40):
Oh, she'll be fine.
Nothing to good buff and shinecan't handle, but that's not the
point.
The point is folks being solazy, or self-absorbed or, or
both that they can't use thething designed to keep order and
safety.
Shelly (00:54):
Well, what if there's a reason behind leaving the cart
or the whatever, like one that'snot obvious and the person made
a one-off choice between puttinga cart away and i, I don't know.
Archie (01:05):
No, that's right.
You don't know.
'cause there ain't no goodreason to just leave her cart.
Shelly (01:10):
Her kid's having a meltdown and, and time is of the
essence.
She doesn't want to leave thekid screaming in the car for the
time it would take to return thecart and the kid's embarrassing
her.
And everyone is staring like,"Lady, get that kid under
control.
What's wrong with you?" So thecart gets abandoned while she
speeds away before too muchjudgment can be hurled at her.
Archie (01:28):
This sounds like more than a hypothetical.
Shelly (01:31):
Well, remember how I nannied during college.
I only worked for that onefamily and they were great.
I don't know what had gotteninto the youngest one that day.
She was about three and a half.
Mm-hmm.
I think probably just overtired.
I mean, she had missed her napand I had to take her to the
store while her brother was atsoccer to pick up a couple of
things for dinner.
Archie (01:52):
Well, that, that sounds like a lot.
Shelly (01:53):
Well, people do it every day.
Archie (01:55):
Well, it, it still doesn't make it not a lot.
Shelly (01:58):
Well, I think folks might appreciate that
perspective.
Archie (02:01):
I'm just calling it as I see it.
Well, now what caused the show?
Shelly (02:05):
She wanted something, I don't even remember what, but I
wouldn't let her have it, cuemeltdown.
It was all I could do to get herback in the cart into the car.
Legs and arms were flying.
I'm surprised I didn't getclipped by an elbow.
So yeah, I left the cart in theparking space and I probably
left some item in the wrongaisle too.
Archie (02:27):
Okay, see now that's another one that really gets me.
All right.
Folks who leave whatever groceryitem that they don't want in
whatever aisle that they come tothat decision.
I mean, nobody wants to be metwith a warming package of ground
chuck in the paper towelsection.
Shelly (02:43):
Sounds like you had an experience at Win Dixie this
morning.
Archie (02:47):
That I did all right.
That I did, and don't even getme started on them self
checkouts.
It does not save time.
It gives the illusion to savingtime'cause you're doing the work
instead of standing and waiting.
But in truth, you're still, youstill end up waiting.
Either you're behind, someonestruggling to scan a bag of
frozen peas or, or for the oneline with an actual breathing
(03:10):
soul running it.
Shelly (03:12):
I'm usually the one struggling to scan the frozen
peas.
Archie (03:15):
Well, you and everyone else, but it doesn't stop'em.
I mean, at this rate, thestore's gonna stop stocking
shelves altogether and hand usclipboards so we can pick items
ourselves from the warehouse.
Experience driven shopping.
No, you mark my words.
You're laughing, but you'll see.
Shelly (03:32):
Well, I'm marking your words.
They are marked.
Mm-hmm.
Is that all or is there more youneed to unload?
Archie (03:39):
Well, I could go into how in the middle of the night
the store decides it needs torearrange everything, so we all
spend more money.
Only result being I wanderaround twice as long trying to
find the bread, but I won't.
Shelly (03:52):
Whoa.
That is such self-restraint.
Archie (03:56):
Mm-hmm.
It's one of my strengths.
Instead, I'll tell you whathappened next at the hardware
store.
Mm-hmm.
Shelly (04:03):
You are on one today.
Okay.
But shoot, but before you start,why don't we tell these folks
who we are and what we aredoing?
Archie (04:12):
Oh, okay.
Yeah.
Well, that's, that's probably agood idea.
Shelly (04:15):
Okay.
I'll start.
Hi there, I'm Shelly.
Archie (04:18):
And I'm Archie.
Shelly (04:20):
Welcome to the porch for Two Frogs Talking.
Archie (04:22):
One part telling tales,
Shelly (04:24):
one part talking life,
Archie (04:27):
all parts a bit not quite right.
Shelly (04:31):
Alright, Archie, we've made it through the intro.
Indeed and yes, folks before hegets going.
We did do that differently.
The old way just wasn't working.
Archie (04:40):
So why stick with something for the sake of
sticking with it?
Shelly (04:43):
Agreed.
Now.
Archie, you had something to sayabout the hardware store?
Archie (04:48):
I do.
Okay.
Uh, I'm in the line at thehardware store.
It's a small one, not the bigbox kind.
And, and lady in front of me hasgot six cans of paint in her
cart.
Same color.
I know.
'cause I leaned in a little tocheck.
Shelly (05:02):
Of course you did.
Archie (05:03):
Uhhuh guy behind the counter asks if she wants them
to mix the paint or throw insome stirrers.
She looks at him like he justasked her to disassemble a
transmission.
Shelly (05:15):
Uh oh, the vacant stare.
Yeah.
There's never anything goodbehind that.
Archie (05:19):
She goes,"Wait, you have to mix paint?
Can't I just give the tin alittle shake when I get home?" I
nearly dropped my basket.
Shelly (05:28):
I mean, maybe it's not common knowledge that paint
separates?
Archie (05:31):
I guess, but I not knowing is one thing.
It's more the way she reacted.
That really got me scratching myhead.
Shelly (05:39):
Why?
What'd she do?
Archie (05:41):
Well, when the guy tries explaining how the color settles
and the machine mixes itproperly, she huffs and says,
"Well, excuse me for not knowingpaint science."
Shelly (05:51):
Ooh, paint science.
I didn't know that was a thing.
Archie (05:54):
I think it actually may be.
Hmm.
But what got me was herattitude.
Instead of having the sense torecognize when a person's trying
to be helpful, she made herignorance his fault.
Shelly (06:06):
Oh.
That's the thing about having nosense.
The person without it is usuallykind of blind to it.
Archie (06:11):
Yep.
Takes being called out on itlike my dad did to me.
Shelly (06:15):
When was that?
Archie (06:17):
Well, on numerous occasions.
But, uh, the one that's mostclear is the time my friends
dared me to play real lifeFrogger.
Shelly (06:27):
Oh, Archie, tell me you didn't.
Archie (06:29):
Yeah, well, I wish I could, but those were my
impulsive years and the dare wasnot to be ignored.
At the decided time and place,my buddies and a group of lookie
louses gathered on the serviceroad at Airport Boulevard.
And uh, I had my discman.
Never forget I had the new PearlJam album in my ears.
You know, Jeremy spoke.
(06:50):
Can't you know, you know the oneclassic?
I do.
Alright, so that's bangingaround in my ears.
I look left, I look right.
And when I went to take a step,I felt a yank up and back away
from the city bus barrelingright towards me.
Oh, I swear I looked both waysbefore starting to cross and I,
I don't know how I didn't seeit.
Shelly (07:11):
Well, who pulled you back?
Archie (07:13):
My dad.
See, he'd gotten wind of thewhole thing.
And well, good thing he gotthere when he did.
I would've been pancaked.
Shelly (07:20):
Your poor dad.
His heart must have been in histhroat.
He could have lost another sonto a car accident.
Archie (07:25):
Yeah.
Well, yeah.
I didn't really take that intoconsideration at the time.
Later when the realization hitme, well, let's just say it
hangs heavy.
Shelly (07:37):
I'm sure it does.
Archie (07:39):
And I never forget what dad said of all the things he
could have said.
And you have to imagine him asangry and as red face as he's
ever been.
He says,"Son.
You ain't got the sense God gavea goose." a goose.
Okay.
I never lived that one down.
Shelly (07:57):
Oh, that serves you right.
Archie (07:58):
Yeah.
Well, kids at school startedhonking at me.
They wouldn't let it alone.
I got honked at as I crossed thestage to get my diploma
graduation.
Shelly (08:07):
How old were you when you attempted Frogger?
Archie (08:10):
I was 16 around there.
So two good years of honkingbefore we went, all went our
separate ways.
Shelly (08:17):
Well deserved, in my opinion.
I mean, that was a boneheadedthing to try to do.
Archie (08:21):
Well, you're not wrong.
Shelly (08:23):
I mean, it's right up there with the time you No, no,
no, no.
Wait, wait.
Before I start, before I start?
Archie (08:28):
Mm-hmm.
Shelly (08:29):
I want to point out that Archie has introduced the theme
of today's episode with hisFrogger story.
Archie (08:34):
That's right.
This, this episode's theme isthe Southern saying:"ain't got
the sense God gave a goose."
Shelly (08:41):
And Archie is proving a wealth of material on the
subject.
Archie (08:45):
Well, I'm always glad to be useful.
Shelly (08:49):
Well, before I start the story, folks.
There's something, veryimportant you gotta know about
Archie.
Archie (08:55):
Oh boy, here we go.
Shelly (08:56):
And you wouldn't know it by looking at him, but he is a
romantic at heart.
Archie (09:01):
Alright.
Alright.
Where are you going with thisShell?
Shelly (09:04):
See.
He doesn't deny it.
Archie would rather watch arom-com than an action thriller.
Archie (09:10):
Alright, now you're giving away all my secrets.
Shelly (09:12):
Mm-hmm.
When he was around 13.
A girl moved into the street andhe fell hard for her.
Archie (09:20):
So that's where you're going.
Shelly (09:23):
Uhhuh.
It is.
Archie (09:24):
Allison.
Allison.
No.
That was her name.
Yeah.
She used to pass by her houseevery weekday on the way to sit
for the McMillan kids.
But, uh, she didn't ever seem tonotice me.
Shelly (09:38):
Well, most 15-year-old girls don't want anything to do
with 13-year-old boys.
Hmm.
But.
That wasn't gonna stop Archie.
He devised a foolproof way toget her attention.
Archie (09:51):
Hey, it worked.
Shelly (09:52):
Hey, now.
Now don't try to get ahead ofthis.
Archie (09:55):
Well, you won't let me.
Shelly (09:56):
Nope, I won't because they need to know this.
Okay.
See, Archie's plan was to jumpover three trash cans on his
bike while popping a wheelie.
And he was going to time thisjump for when Allison came
walking by.
Archie (10:13):
Alright.
Now, see, I had this planned forweeks.
Uhhuh, I, I had a ramp Iborrowed from a buddy of mine
who was into skateboarding.
I, I had to borrow some trashcans, so I, I chose to do it on
the day that, you know, thetrash was, went out to the
street.
Nothing could go wrong.
Shelly (10:31):
No, nothing.
Not a, not anything at all.
Yep.
So the big day came.
And he lines his cans at thebottom of the driveway, right in
the space where the sidewalkintersects it.
Archie timed his start, just asAllison was a house away.
Their driveway ran steepdownhill toward the street, so
(10:53):
he was able to build a ton ofmomentum and he hits the ramp at
full speed.
Archie (10:58):
Now, I don't know what happened.
But what didn't happen was awheelie.
I got thrown over the handlebarsand straight into the trash can.
The next thing I know, I'mlaying over top and overturned
garbage pail.
I'm covered in garbage and myside feels like it's on fire.
I didn't even notice my arm.
Shelly (11:19):
But, Allison saw the whole thing and ran over to
help.
Archie (11:22):
That's right.
And you know what?
She signed my cast the next day.
So mission successful.
Oh yeah.
Shelly (11:31):
The moral is when it came to Allison, Archie didn't
have the sense God gave a goose,and apparently he still doesn't.
Archie (11:38):
Hey, you said it yourself.
I'm a romantic at heart.
Shelly (11:41):
That you are.
And that phrase, by the way,"ain't got the sense God gave a
goose," it sounds a bit mean,but it's usually said with love
or at least a little patience.
Archie (11:52):
Bless their hearts.
Mm.
Are you done using me to makeyour point?
Shelly (11:57):
Yes, for the time being.
Archie (11:59):
Good.
'cause I got a fellow to talkabout today who also had a big
heart and a big hammer.
Shelly (12:06):
Thor?
Archie (12:07):
Thor.
No, but that's a good guess.
Now I'm talking about JohnHenry.
Shelly (12:14):
Ah,
Archie (12:14):
John Henry.
Now, I don't know if youremember the story of John
Henry, the steel driving man.
Shelly (12:18):
He had something to do with railroads.
Archie (12:21):
Yes, he was a legend of muscle and willpower, hammering
steel to lay down railroadtracks back when this country
was stitching itself togetherwith rail ties.
See the story goes as a companybrings in a steam powered drill
to replace the workers.
Now, John Henry, not one to bemade obsolete, challenges the
machine to a contest (12:43):
man against metal.
He grabs his two hammers and hedrives steel faster than that
machine can blink and wouldn't,you know it, he wins.
He beats the drill, but theprice is steep.
See, his heart gives out fromthe effort.
And he dies with his hammer inhis hand.
(13:04):
Strongest man alive, but onlyfor so long.
Shelly (13:08):
Oh, well that makes me sad and proud all at the same
time.
Archie (13:13):
Well, it's a tale about grit and dignity, but it's also
warning.
Huh?
Don't be a John Henry.
Use your sense.
But this sort of thing ain'tjust the stuff of legend.
Something mighty similarhappened in our own family.
Shelly (13:27):
That's because our family has a running competition
against folklore.
We don't know who started it.
No one seems to wanna end it.
Archie (13:35):
That's right.
And well, this particular talecenters around William or Pops,
or the other half of maw-maw,back when he was in his
twenties, still full of vinegar.
This was long before he becamethe steady, gentle guy who kept
ice tea in the fridge and toolshung with precision.
Shelly (13:54):
I don't know.
He still kept some of thatvinegar in him though.
Remember when he got himselfstuck on the roof at 88?
Archie (14:00):
Oh, okay.
Now that's a good point.
I'd almost forgotten about that.
Shelly (14:04):
A windstorm had blown all the leaves from the trees
and rain was in the forecast.
Mm-hmm.
So he wanted the gutters cleanand he wasn't gonna wait around
for someone to get to them.
Archie (14:13):
Right.
And now out comes the ladder andup he goes up on the roof.
Only somehow the ladder getsknocked on over, so he's up
there with no way down.
Dad found him up there when hecame by for his weekly chat.
And see, William had been tryingeverything he could think of to
get maw-maw's attention, evenstamping out SOS on the ceiling.
(14:34):
But she had just gotten adiscman and was listening to her
tunes and she couldn't hear athing.
Shelly (14:40):
I can just imagine your dad pulling up and you know how
it had that peaked roof.
Yeah.
Well, I imagine Pops on theother side of that thing.
So blind to your dad, right ashe's pulling in.
That's right.
And then pops' his head justpopping up over the roof line
like a Jack in the Box.
Archie (14:57):
Well, pops did stay agile from man pushing 90, but
dad just about had a heartattack seeing him up there and
you know, pops is response,"Wellthe gutters ain't gonna clean
themselves, are they?" Come on.
Shelly (15:12):
It's classic pops.
Oh yeah.
Oh man.
Sorry to interrupt, but I had toslide that one in there.
Archie (15:18):
No, you're good, you're good.
It, it's a good opener to theone I'm fixing to tell.
Shelly (15:22):
Oh good.
Archie (15:23):
Mm-hmm.
So, okay, so this is when Popswas back in his twenties.
He was newly wed to maw-maw andworking with a small
construction crew laying trackthrough a marshy patch down in
Baldwin County.
Now the job was taken longerthan estimated and the company
wanted to push things along, sothe higher ups had a rep bring
(15:44):
out a prototype, steam poweredrail pusher.
"The Hercules," they called it.
Brought it on out, down to thesite.
It is supposed to double theoutput and cut the need for
manual workers.
And now some of the men, theywere skeptical, started asking
questions about this, that, andthe other thing.
And well, the company rep didn'thave any answers'cause the
(16:05):
Hercules hadn't been tested inthe field yet.
Shelly (16:09):
Wait to get this straight.
The Hercules hadn't ever beentested.
Archie (16:13):
Nope.
No, it, it had been tested inthe factory where it was built.
Oh.
And it worked beautifully.
So says the rep, but the menpoint out that the marsh is much
different than concrete.
Shelly (16:24):
Mm-hmm.
Archie (16:25):
And the rep assures everyone that he's been assured
that the conditions don'tmatter.
The Hercules performs the samein all conditions.
Shelly (16:36):
I see.
Archie (16:36):
Mm-hmm.
Now pops, he was young and likeI said, full of vinegar.
He knew the rhythm of the landbetter than any machine.
And when the company rep startedboasting about the machine's
efficiency Pop s muttered,something like, I could beat it
with a butter knife and the flu.
Which unfortunately some took asa challenge.
Shelly (16:58):
Of course,
Archie (17:00):
that's right.
So what'd they do?
Well, they set up a shortcourse, pops with his manual
track pusher and he had ateammate, his buddy Clyde.
It was Pops and Clyde versus theSteam Powered Beast and a four
man crew.
Shelly (17:14):
Well, that seems a bit lopsided,
Archie (17:16):
it seems so, doesn't it?
But they went for it anyway.
So the start and whistle blowsand the machine jolts forward
with a hiss and a clank andspiting steam.
And pops, well, he dug in nowasted motion, just pure rhythm
and grit.
And wouldn't you know it, theHercules couldn't handle the wet
(17:37):
terrain.
Slipped around like a pig onlinoleum.
The mud got all in, its gearsand it stalled out.
And, the company rep had moremud on him from having to scoop
it outta the machine than therewas any mud on the ground by the
time the contest was over.
Shelly (17:52):
Well, the company rep probably wasn't used to getting
his hands dirty.
Archie (17:56):
Probably not.
And every time the machinestalled, slipped or needed
adjusting, pops and Clyde keptgliding forward.
Didn't even stop for water.
They finished a full rail lengthbefore the Hercules cleared
half.
Those there say, pops didn'teven say a word.
Just tipped his cap, took a sipof sweet tea from his thermos
(18:17):
and walked off like it was justanother Thursday.
Shelly (18:20):
And that's that.
No plaque?
Archie (18:22):
Nope, no plaque, no nothing.
But maw-maw says that a fewweeks later, company man showed
up with a toolbox set, engravedwith his name.
Said it was a token ofprofessional respect.
That same toolbox sits in mygarage right now.
Tools still sharp.
Shelly (18:40):
Beside your replenishing toolbox?
Archie (18:43):
Oh, no, no, no, no.
I I, I keep those ones outtasight to avoid an accident.
No, no.
Pop Pops tools have a place ofhonor on one of my display
shelves.
Shelly (18:52):
I got it.
Mm-hmm.
So then who didn't have thesense.
The company men are Pops andClyde?
Archie (18:58):
Well, it seems like a little bit of both.
I mean, the company men broughtin a machine ill suited for the
work and not the sense to listento those who knew better and
Pops and Clyde for beingstubborn and foolish enough to
wager against a machine.
But it all turned out okay inthe end.
Shelly (19:15):
I wonder if maw-maw knew about the bet beforehand.
Archie (19:18):
My money's on.
She didn't.
Shelly (19:20):
Why?
Archie (19:22):
Because if she'd have known, there wouldn't have been
a story.
Shelly (19:25):
Well, that is true.
She would've shut that down.
You're right.
Archie (19:29):
Mm-hmm.
Yeah.
Well, well, there you have it.
My tale is told.
Shelly (19:34):
I guess I'm up then.
Archie (19:36):
You sure are.
Shelly (19:38):
All right then.
So when I was about 17, my momgot really into drought tolerant
gardening.
She'd read some article thatsaid Southern California lawns
were going to be a thing of thepast.
And the next day we were at acommunity meeting where they
were handing out bookmarks withnative plant facts.
Archie (19:59):
Aunt Dottie was never one for dragging her feet when
she got an idea in her head.
Shelly (20:03):
No, she wasn't.
So naturally she got herselfelected co-chair of the Green
Thumb Garden Swap, a communityevent where neighbors traded
cuttings and sprouts from theiryards, all neatly labeled and
potted.
Mm-hmm.
Well.
And most were labeled.
Toward the end of the setup,this man wanders in, not anyone
we recognized, drops off a trayof little sprouted starters,
(20:27):
says something like"they growfast and they're friendly" and
disappears, before we could evenask what that meant.
Archie (20:34):
Huh?
Friendly sprouts.
Shelly (20:36):
Right?
Friendly sprouts.
My mom thought it was cute andgave them labels: oregano,
lavender, and bee balm.
But, that should have readbehemoth probably in hindsight.
Archie (20:49):
She just willy-nilly labeled the plants.
Shelly (20:52):
Well.
She consulted a guide first.
Archie (20:55):
Because an untrained eye and a field guide go together
perfectly.
Shelly (20:59):
Well, you know, mom, give her some information and
she's off and running like she'san expert.
Anyway, no one picked thosefriendly sprouts, so we took
them home.
Hmm.
We planted them along the sideyard, hoping for a little nice
herb border.
And at first everything seemednormal, but within a week, one
(21:19):
of those plants grew a full footand curled around the hose reel.
Yeah.
By week two it was climbing upthe wall and made a U-turn to
the attic vent.
Archie (21:28):
No way.
Shelly (21:29):
Yes.
And I'm telling you, every timewe trimmed it back, it grew two
more trendrils.
Like it was learning.
Archie (21:38):
Like something out of a sci-fi thriller.
Shelly (21:40):
You got it.
And it wasn't the only onecausing the problems.
The"oregano" made the whole sideof the duplex smell like menthol
for a month, huh?
And the"lavender" attracted aswarm of bees so dedicated the
mail carrier refused to use thefront path.
I mean, we tried everything,vinegar, sprays, pruning.
(22:01):
We even called a guy who sworehe was a plant whisperer.
Huh?
Nothing worked.
Eventually the HOA got involved.
Archie (22:11):
Oh well, always a good time when they show up.
Shelly (22:14):
You aren't kidding.
We had to dig up the whole stripand bag the roots in contractor
bags.
It looked like we were diggingto put a pool in.
Those roots were incredible.
Some were as big around asbarrels, but others were as tiny
as threads, and we made sure toget every single one.
Mom was on her hands and kneeswith a magnifying glass, looking
(22:38):
for just any single filament.
She wasn't going to leave anychance of something growing
back.
Archie (22:43):
I mean, another quality Aunt Dottie, when she does
something, she does it all theway.
Shelly (22:49):
That she does.
Archie (22:50):
You know, I, I'm curious about the mysterious man with
the sprouts.
What'd he look like?
Shelly (22:56):
Well, he was this quiet, affable guy.
Dusty overalls, a messenger bagfull of starters.
Why?
Archie (23:03):
Huh?
Well, sounds a lot like Seed.
Shelly (23:06):
Well, you, you don't, I mean, what are the odds?
Archie (23:11):
I, I, I think pretty good.
I, if, if you were 17, thenthat's about the time.
Yeah, no, that's about the timeI, I did my trip.
I mean, uh, mm-hmm.
I mean, what if you ran intoSeed before I did?
Shelly (23:23):
I can't believe I didn't think about this when you were
telling your Seed story.
Archie (23:26):
You know, it's not out of the realm of possibility.
Seed strikes again.
Shelly (23:32):
I'm going with it.
That man was definitely Seed.
He just wasn't wearing a tin pothat.
Must have been in his bag.
Archie (23:39):
Not that your store needs any punching up, but, uh.
Well, I do like the idea thatseed passed through both our
lives.
Shelly (23:46):
Yeah, he passed through all right.
And mom's got the HOA warningletters to prove it.
Archie (23:52):
All right.
Well, now that we've identifiedthe mysterious man, any more to
add?
Shelly (23:57):
Nope.
I'll leave it there.
Archie (23:58):
Well, all right.
Let's do a quick recap before weclose out.
Shelly (24:02):
This week Archie brought us the legend of John Henry and
a pops showdown with theHercules.
Archie (24:08):
And Shelly shared a family story about a mislabeled
plant swap that turned her mom'syard into a bee attracting,
menthol smelling, jungle with amysterious figure we've heard
from before.
Shelly (24:21):
We want to know what story got to you?
Archie's machine busting muscletale, or my misadventure in
desert botany.
Archie (24:28):
See, why don't you head on over to our Instagram at
notquiterightgoods or our shopat notquiterightgoods.com and
cast your vote in our weeklypoll.
Shelly (24:37):
And while you're there, tell us if you've ever had a
project or plan go off therails, all because your heart
was in the right place, butmaybe your sense wasn't.
Archie (24:47):
A lack of sense and misplaced intentions make for
good storytelling.
Shelly (24:52):
I think we've shared the stories to prove that one.
Archie (24:55):
That machine operator, he saw pops, a frog in work
boots, and he thought to himselfbragging was the move.
He may have had the tech, but hedidn't have any sense.
Shelly (25:05):
And my mom planted mystery sprouts from a total
stranger because the tag saidfriendly.
I mean, that's not gardening.
That is wishful thinking with ashovel.
Archie (25:16):
Sometimes folks are so sure they're right.
They don't stop to wonder ifthey're being ridiculous.
Shelly (25:21):
Exactly.
It's not always about badintentions, it's a, it's about
forgetting to ask the obviousquestion, like, should I really
trust this plant?
Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
Or is it wise to bet my healthon pride?
Archie (25:35):
And as Maw-maw always said,"common sense ain't so
common."
Shelly (25:41):
Oh, no.
We have similar quotes.
Archie (25:43):
Oh, oh, that, that, that's just a bonus one.
I have another quote right here,but, uh, you go first.
Shelly (25:48):
All right.
Well then Will Rogers, theAmerican actor, known mainly for
Westerns and think a lot alikebecause he said"common sense
ain't as common as it used tobe."
Archie (26:01):
Now I feel that every day.
Shelly (26:02):
I think it's what each generation thinks of the ones on
each side, like US Gen Xersthink that some boomers and
millennials may be lacking inthat department.
Yeah.
And they probably think the sameof us.
Archie (26:14):
You know, I think it has to do with the frame of
reference.
You know, pops didn't thinkclimbing up on the roof was a
bad idea, but standing on theground from dad's perspective,
it was a plain awful idea.
Shelly (26:27):
Like planning a live action Frogger event.
Archie (26:30):
Yep.
Yep.
Just like that.
But uh, the thing about sense isthey don't care about
perspective.
Shelly (26:36):
What do you mean?
Archie (26:38):
Well, you may be able to make an argument for why you did
a thing from your perspective,but if there's no sense to that
perspective, then the argumentsof losing one.
Shelly (26:49):
Sense, it's kind of arbitrary too, isn't it?
Now that I think about it.
Archie (26:53):
Yeah, it is.
And it isn't.
And it's on a scale, I think.
Plus if you don't have an ounceof it, it can't be taught.
You either have it or you don't.
Shelly (27:06):
Like a goose.
Archie (27:07):
Yep, like a goose.
Shelly (27:11):
What's your quote?
Archie (27:12):
Well, I, I brought one from Mark Twain, you know the
American writer famous for TomSawyer and Huck Finn, right?
Well, he said"It ain't what youdon't know that gets you into
trouble.
It's what you know for sure thatjust ain't so." Oof.
Yep.
Again, that company rep, hesized up pops without knowing
him and got behind a thing justbecause of the promise of it.
(27:35):
They'd never even tested itbefore.
They didn't know what theydidn't know.
Shelly (27:40):
And my mom just knew those sprouts were oregano.
She even told a neighbor to trythem in pasta.
Archie (27:46):
Oh.
Oh, did they?
Shelly (27:47):
No.
They politely declined.
Archie (27:50):
I see then, well then the neighbors exhibited some
sense.
Shelly (27:53):
Thankfully.
But before we could stop her,our dog Bailey ate something
that looked sort of like anorange apple growing in bunches
from a vine that came from thesprouts labeled bee balm.
It wasn't poisonous, thankgoodness.
But it did turn her pee purplefor a week.
Whoa.
And she had the burps for, oh, Idon't know, it must've been a
(28:16):
good two days.
Archie (28:17):
Poor thing.
Hmm.
I'm not gonna lie though, that'sa pretty amusing side effect.
Shelly (28:23):
They produced their fruits over night, every night
until we dug them out.
One of us had to go out beforeletting Bailey out and pick all
the fruit up.
Even the high up ones, you hadto get above where Bailey could
stand on her hind legs to get tothem.
She had a taste and wanted more.
Archie (28:39):
And consequences be damned.
Shelly (28:41):
She was staining the yard too, and we couldn't take
her for a walk.
Archie (28:45):
Why not?
Shelly (28:46):
And let her leave her mark everywhere?
Archie (28:49):
Oh.
Oh, okay.
I hadn't thought of that.
What a mess that had been.
Shelly (28:53):
Yeah, it was.
Okay, so pee talk aside, thisweek's episode is brought to you
by our Southern Sayingscollection, specifically the
"Ain't Got the Sense God gave agoose" tee.
Archie (29:07):
All right.
It's perfect for when you'retrying real hard, and it all
still goes sideways.
Shelly (29:12):
Available now in the shop.
Just head over tonotquiterightgoods.com to check
it out.
Archie (29:16):
And if you're enjoying the show, tell a friend, leave
us a review, or send us your owntales of goose brained
misadventures.
We love hearing from y'all.
Shelly (29:26):
Thanks for Oh, Ralph, Ralph.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
Come here.
Come here.
Come here.
Sit, sit, sit.
Oh, Ralph.
Look, oh,
Archie (29:33):
Shell Shell, everything okay over there?
Shelly (29:35):
Yeah.
Sorry, Ralph.
Um, he's a muddy mess.
I've gotta take him to thebathroom.
Just gimme a second.
Okay.
Archie (29:40):
Oh, oh, sure.
Yeah.
Oh
Shelly (29:42):
my God, Ralph, how?
How?
Oh.
Archie (29:45):
Oh.
See now if you don't have petsand you go, and then they can't
cause messes that need to becleaned up.
And I am not one for messes.
I mean, Ralph has no sense oftiming.
Or maybe he has the perfectsense.
Shelly (29:58):
He's in the bathroom.
I just gotta go turn off thespigot.
Oh.
Archie (30:02):
Oh.
Like I was saying, maybe Ralphhas the perfect sense
perspective.
Oh boy.
Maybe get a goldfish, Shelly.
Shelly (30:18):
Oh, I'm back.
I'm back.
Archie (30:21):
Yeah.
And you have a new waterfeature, it sounds like.
Shelly (30:24):
I do.
He dug a pond.
Can you believe it?
Archie (30:28):
I hope he hasn't found a new pastime.
Shelly (30:31):
Me either.
And he's not a digger or hewasn't.
And how he twist opened thespigot.
I have no idea.
Archie (30:37):
Well, he figured out doors.
So I guess the next logicalthing is spigots.
Shelly (30:41):
I'm gonna have to put a lock on it, after I give Ralph a
bath, clean up the muddy pawprints and back fill the pond.
Archie (30:48):
You know, it sounds like you got your hands full.
Why don't we finish the sign offso you can get to it?
Shelly (30:53):
Mm.
How about you tell me anotherstory so I don't have to.
Archie (30:57):
Yeah, well you know what maw-maw would say to that?
She say"waiting only gives amess a chance to to fight back
chance to fight back." That'sright.
Shelly (31:06):
I will take my chances.
Archie (31:09):
Well, now I'm not saying procrastination runs in the
family, but I do have one UncleWayne on my mama's side who gave
the word a real run for itsmoney.
Shelly (31:20):
Oh, do tell.
Archie (31:21):
Mm-hmm.
Alright.
Well, uncle Wayne had this housejust outside of Lucedale, uh,
tin roof, wooden porch, leaninga bit from the weight of years
and bad decisions.
And one summer he noticed asmall leak in the ceiling above
his easy chair, just a littledrip after a storm.
Didn't think much of it.
Shelly (31:40):
And you're gonna tell me he patched it up with duct tape.
Archie (31:43):
Oh, no, no, that, that would've been proactive.
He just moved the chair.
Said"It don't really bother meif it don't hit me."
Shelly (31:51):
Oh, so a real go-getter of a guy, huh?
Archie (31:54):
No, you said it.
Well, a, a week later, the dripbecame a trickle.
He started laying out pots andpans to catch the water like it
was a, like, it was a jazzperformance and clangs and tinks
echoing throughout the house.
Every time it rained, it soundedlike a steel drum band
rehearsing in his living roomand still, he said,"well, there
(32:15):
ain't no sense and fixing itwhile it's raining.
And when it ain't raining, itdon't leak."
Shelly (32:20):
I can already tell where this is going.
Archie (32:22):
Oh, we're not even to the best part.
Fast forward now to the fall.
The insulation up in the atticstarting to sag from the
moisture, and one day he hearssome rustling.
And he goes up there, he finds afull grown raccoon has moved in,
brought snacks, set up a wholelittle raccoon bachelor pad.
Shelly (32:44):
Well, at least it wasn't a whole family.
Archie (32:47):
I don't know that that would've made a difference.
Waynes shrugged it off and henamed the raccoon Oscar.
Started telling people he had atenant.
Shelly (32:55):
Was Oscar paying rent?
Archie (32:57):
He was charging rent, actually.
He'd take dog food from theporch every night like
clockwork.
Shelly (33:02):
And Wayne put up with it?
Archie (33:04):
"To get along you got to go along." That's, that's
Wayne's way of thinking.
But then the winter rolls in andthat little leak turns into a
beam collapse during a cold snapright over the tv.
You know what Wayne's responseis?
He duck tapes a tarp to theceiling and watches TV from a
camp chair in the kitchen.
Shelly (33:24):
Is anyone in his life?
This man needs an intervention.
Archie (33:29):
Oh, it's coming eventually.
Grandma hears about all this andsends my mama to check in.
She finds the living room halfflooded, Oscars chewed a hole
through the pantry wall.
Oh my goodness.
And Wayne is sitting at thekitchen table eating cereal out
of a measuring cup because, andI quote,"all the bowls got
moldy."
Shelly (33:49):
Oh, oh, that.
That honestly is impressive inan absolutely horrifying way.
Archie (33:56):
Yeah.
They had to call the countyinspector.
Oh.
And he saw it.
He just took off his hat.
He looked at Wayne in the eyeand he said,"Sir, you've let
apathy win."
Shelly (34:05):
Well, he's not wrong.
Archie (34:08):
Mm-hmm.
Took three weeks, a full crewand a crowbar to get Oscar out.
Last I heard Wayne's living in acondo.
Middle floor, no attic and astrict no pets policy.
Shelly (34:21):
Did he ever admit that he should have fixed the roof?
Archie (34:24):
Not directly, but when we saw him at Thanksgiving, he
said,"I miss my chair, but Idon't miss that raccoon's
attitude."
Shelly (34:32):
Well, I mean, sometimes it can be hard to find it in you
to fix a problem, even when theproblem grows.
Archie (34:39):
But when the thing grows, it takes up more and more
space and tries.
You might to avoid it.
Eventually it starts staring youright in the face.
Shelly (34:47):
Yeah.
With claws and a mask.
Speaking of which, I had betterget to Ralph before he hardens
and I have to chisel him free.
Archie (34:56):
Well then let's tell the folks, bye.
Shelly (34:59):
You got it.
Thanks for sitting with us awhile.
Archie (35:02):
You're always welcome on the porch.
Bye
Shelly (35:05):
bye.
Oh.
My yard is a disaster and Ralphis worse.
Joe (35:14):
This has been a not quite right goods production.
Starring Joe Laureiro is Archieand Holland Renton as Shelly
written, directed and edited byHolland Renton.
Music sourced via Descript stocklibrary.
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