E156: Ties, Lies, and the Armor We Wear to "Fit In"

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What happens when the version of you that earns the applause… isn’t actually you?

In this week's episode, we’re curling up on the couch together — just you and me — for a conversation about what it really costs to survive in systems that were never built with you in mind. I’ll share a moment from a recent coaching session that broke my heart, lit a fire in my chest, and reminded me why I do this work.

You’ll hear the story of a woman who put on the metaphorical (and literal) suit, believing that blending in would finally earn her a seat at the table — and the truth that shattered that belief.

Together, we’ll explore:

• How we learn to adapt, shrink, and armor up just to be taken seriously
• The deep cost of that kind of survival
• Why coaching is the bridge back to your truth — and your power
• And how to begin asking yourself the questions that bring you home

This isn’t just her story — it’s mine. And maybe it’s yours, too.

✨ You’re not too much. You’re not too loud. You’re not a problem to be solved.
 You are a force.
 And you don’t need to become someone else to be worthy of your place in the room.

If this episode stirs something in you — rage, truth, grief, or recognition — don’t let it fade. Share it. Talk about it. Or whisper something brave to yourself right now.

And if you're ready to stop shrinking and start leading with your full voice, I’d love to walk alongside you. Come find me on LinkedIn or Instagram.

With fire,
 Cynthia

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Please rate and review with your honest opinion. Subscribe and share with your colleagues especially if you have worked with me and found value in the work we’ve done together.

Connect with me in my favourite places, LinkedIn and Instagram and my website is: https://www.cynthiajamiesoncoach.ca/

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Make it a great week!

Cynthia Jamieson 🧡🌱

Leadership coach for high-integrity leaders who want to thrive without proving or burning out | Ex-HR Exec | ICF PCC Coach | Podcast Host | Intuitive Intelligence® Method Guide

Episode Transcript

Cynthia (00:05):
Welcome to Unchartered and Unfiltered the journey back
to you.
I am Cynthia Jameson, your host, and this is where we break
free from the noise and divedeep into what truly matters you
.
If you're tired of the shoulds,the expectations and the
pressures to fit into a moldthat doesn't serve you, you're
in the right place.
This isn't a podcast about easyanswers or sugar-coated advice.

(00:32):
This is your invitation toreclaim your path, embrace the
unknown and become the bold,unapologetic version of yourself
that's been waiting to show up.
It's time to get unfiltered.
Let's get started.
Hello, hello, friends, I am soglad that you are here with me
today and I'm inviting you tosit down here on the couch with
me Because, seriously, if wewere in person, I would be

(00:54):
handing you a cup of tea or acup of coffee or a cold drink
and we would be settling in fora real talk.
I'm just going to get right toit.
Something happened in a recentcoaching session that has been
sticking with me and, honestly,it has stirred up a mix of anger
, heartbreak and fire that Ican't let go of.

(01:15):
Now.
Here's the story.
I am working with thisincredible woman, sharp, driven,
crystal clear on her value, butsomewhere along the way she has
started to believe that beingherself just wasn't enough, not
enough to lead, not enough to beheard, not enough to belong.

(01:35):
And maybe you have felt thattoo.
Just take a moment, what comesup for you when you hear that?
So what did she do?
She did what so many of us havedone she put on armor, she
adapted, she tried to blend in,she wore a suit and a tie and

(02:03):
let me be clear, I am notjudging her.
She has convinced herself thatshe has to be one of the guys to
be accepted.
Now, have you ever put on amask like that?
Maybe it's not a tie, maybeit's something else.
Here's the thing that hasreally gutted me, and that
language is bang on the moneyfor how I'm feeling about this.

(02:28):
If she's accepted, if she everis and let's be clear, we'll
never know, if she's ever reallyaccepted it will not be for who
she really is.
It will not be for her gifts,her talents, her authenticity.
It will be for the mask thatshe has worn so long that it is
mistaken for her gifts, hertalents, her authenticity.
It will be for the mask thatshe has worn so long that it is
mistaken for her real face and Iwant to say this loud and clear

(02:53):
this is not belonging.
This is survival, and survivalcomes with a cost, and I know
this cost because I've paid itmyself Dulling my edges,
shrinking myself, making myselfmore digestible so that I

(03:14):
wouldn't make anyoneuncomfortable, overworking to
prove that I deserve to be inthat room Pushing down my fire
in order to look composed.
Perhaps you can relate with mewhat parts of that feel familiar
for you.
And this is exactly wherecoaching can make a huge

(03:38):
difference in your leadershipand in your life, because it's
not just about seeing thepattern.
It's about creating space whereyou can safely unpack it, feel
it, process it, be with it andchoose a new way forward.

(04:00):
Coaching helps you uncover yourown truths.
Uncover your own truths, gentlychallenge those survival
stories and step into your ownpower without losing your
authenticity.
I am so excited for my client.
We have just started workingtogether and I mean I have no

(04:23):
idea what will transpire, but Ican guarantee you, with the
awareness of this pattern andalready the steps that she is
taking, this will change herlife.
But here's the hardest part youhave to believe it first.
She has to believe it first,right?
So since you're here with me onthe couch.
You have to believe it first,that you are enough exactly as

(04:48):
you are, that you are not toomuch, that you are not too loud,
not too passionate, that youare not a problem to be solved.
So I invite you to say thatwith me.
I am enough, exactly as I am.
And I invite you to repeat itwith me I am enough, exactly as
I am, even if you never doanother thing, say another thing

(05:14):
, learn another course, getanother certification, get
another title, get another raise.
I am enough, exactly as I am.
That believing in yourself canfeel impossible when the world
around you keeps sending you theopposite message.

(05:41):
That's the work, and this iswhere coaching shines its
brightest, because a coachlistens, reflects and supports
you as you build that beliefmuscle, the one that says I
belong here, I have a voice, Imatter, I matter.

(06:09):
It's about rewiring the innernarrative and creating new
habits that align with theleader you truly want to be,
because, let's be clear, theworld will try to convince you
otherwise, day in and day out,it's going to continue to tell
you that your value isconditional.
You to tell you that your valueis conditional, that blending
in is the price for respect,that your voice should be
quieter and your presencesmaller, and so I invite you to,

(06:35):
even though I cannot see you,raise your hand, if you have
heard that voice before, insideor out, and I want to say no,
you are the table.
Your presence, just as you are,is enough.
Your presence is the value thatyou bring to your organizations

(06:58):
your gifts, your talents, yourgenius, your perspective, your
point of view.
And here's the next step thecourage to ask for what you need
, ask for space, ask for support, ask for freedom, ask for
respect, ask for the rightpeople to take up space without

(07:23):
having to become someone else todo it, because asking for what
you need can feel really, reallyscary and unfamiliar, and
that's why coaching is sopowerful.
A coach will walk with you asyou explore what support, what
space or what respect looks likefor you.
Coaching helps you craft thecourage to ask for what you need

(07:47):
and hold you accountable forshowing up for yourself in new
ways.
So what do you need to ask forFrom them, from others and, yes,
more importantly, from yourself, because you deserve to be seen
, and not for fitting in, butfor standing up.

(08:08):
Now let's zoom out for a littlebit to the bigger picture here,
because this is about the worldof work, the systems that we're
part of.
When people feel like they haveto survive instead of belong,
everyone loses.
Innovation slows when voicesare muted.
Collaboration breaks down whenpeople hide their true selves

(08:31):
and, of course, they hide theirtrue selves if they don't feel
like they're safe enough to bethemselves.
Leaders burn out carryinginvisible burdens.
Teams miss out on the power ofreal diversity.
So how is your workplace?
Is it a place where you cantruly belong or just survive

(08:56):
there?
So if you're feeling this, ifthis is your story, I want to
tell you that you are not alone.
This isn't just her story, it'sour story, and it is time that
we rewrite it, because changingdeeply ingrained stories and

(09:17):
patterns doesn't happenovernight.
It's messy, it's challenging,and that's why coaching is the
secret sauce.
Through focused questions,insight building and
personalized strategies,coaching helps you move beyond
survival mode into thriving mode, unlocking your full potential

(09:39):
on your own terms.
On your own terms.
Why is that important?
Because the world does not needmore conformity.
It needs your fire, it needsyour voice, exactly as it is,
and so if this episode lit alittle something inside you.

(10:01):
Maybe it's rage, maybe it'struth, maybe it's grief, maybe
it's recognition.
Good, don't let it fade.
Talk about it, write about it,share it with a friend, a
colleague or even yourself in avoice note.
And when you're ready to stopshrinking and start showing up

(10:22):
fully as the leader you are notthe one they expect come find me
on LinkedIn or Instagram.
I'm here to walk that path withyou.
So, friend, what is one small,brave step that you are going to
take this week?
To show up as yourself?

(10:42):
Because I will be right herecheering you on with all of my
fire.
Welcome to Unchartered andUnfiltered the journey back to
you.
I am Cynthia Jameson, your host, and this is where we break
free from the noise and divedeep into what truly matters you

(11:04):
.
If you're tired of the shoulds,the expectations and the
pressures to fit into a moldthat doesn't serve you, you're
in the right place.
This isn't a podcast about easyanswers or sugar-coated advice.
This is your invitation toreclaim your path, embrace the
unknown and become the bold,unapologetic version of yourself
that's been waiting to show up.

(11:25):
It's time to get unfiltered.
Let's get started.