August 5, 2025 • 15 mins
In this episode of Unchartered and Unfiltered — A Journey Back to You, I’m sharing the journey of a leader who was stuck in the exhausting cycle of trying to manage how people saw them. From over-explaining to emotional contortionist, they believed that if they just “got it right,” others would finally see their worth.
Spoiler alert: That’s not how it works.
One doodle of two stick figures changed everything — exposing the mental gymnastics they were doing to fit into an image that was never theirs to begin with.
Join me as we unpack:
- Why feedback feels so personal (and how to stop absorbing it like a sponge)
- The “box of questions” that changed their leadership style
- The moment they realized: “I don’t need more confidence, I need more curiosity.”
- How to stop managing perceptions and start leading with presence
This isn’t a leadership “how-to.”
It’s a journey of letting go of what’s not yours to hold.
Tune in and walk away with a reframe you didn’t know you needed—until now
Please rate and review with your honest opinion. Subscribe and share with your colleagues especially if you have worked with me and found value in the work we’ve done together.
Connect with me in my favourite places, LinkedIn and Instagram and my website is: https://www.cynthiajamiesoncoach.ca/
Make it a great week!
Cynthia Jamieson 🧡🌱
Leadership coach for high-integrity leaders who want to thrive without proving or burning out | Ex-HR Exec | ICF PCC Coach | Podcast Host | Intuitive Intelligence® Method Guide
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:06):
Welcome to Unchartered and Unfiltered the
journey back to you.
I am Cynthia Jameson, your host, and this is where we break
free from the noise and divedeep into what truly matters you
.
If you're tired of the shoulds,the expectations and the
pressures to fit into a moldthat doesn't serve you, you're
in the right place.
This isn't a podcast about easyanswers or sugar-coated advice.
(00:32):
This is your invitation toreclaim your path, embrace the
unknown and become the bold,unapologetic version of yourself
that's been waiting to show up.
It's time to get unfiltered.
Let's get started.
Unfiltered, let's get started.
Hello, hello and welcome backto the podcast.
Today I want to just step rightinto it.
I want to have some real talkwith you.
(00:53):
Have you ever left a meeting,replaying every single word,
wondering if you said the rightthing, smiled at the right time,
didn't look too serious butalso not too casual?
Or maybe you've gotten feedbackthat was meant to be
constructive but it hit you likea sledgehammer to the gut?
(01:17):
If you have been there, welcome, friend.
This episode is your permissionslip to stop carrying what is
not yours.
Today, we're going to beunpacking a leadership story
that is less about job titlesand more about the exhausting
emotional weight of trying tomanage how others see you and
what happens when you stop.
(01:38):
So I want to tell you about myclient.
On paper, they had it alltogether Title check, team check
, reputation as the gets it done, person check, check, check.
But underneath the surface, myclient was exhausted.
Every meeting felt like aperformance, every silence felt
(01:59):
like judgment, engagement.
And their very first words tome, when I asked them about what
their goals were for oursix-month engagement they shared
that they wanted to change howpeople see me.
I want to change how people seeme.
How they said it.
I want to change people'sperception.
But here is the plot twist thework wasn't about changing how
(02:23):
people saw them, even thoughthey gave a lot of effort and
energy into trying to do justthat.
The work was really aboutchanging how they saw themselves
, and there was a whole bunch ofemotional gymnastics that was
going on as it relates to peoplepleasing and in this one
particular session at thebeginning of our coaching
(02:44):
journey.
I will never forget this.
It's etched on my mind and oneof the moments that they
reflected back to me was themost powerful in our work
together.
They were sharing how drainingit felt to keep up appearances
to be what everyone needed themto be.
And so I grabbed my whiteboard,which I often do needed them to
(03:05):
be.
And so I grabbed my whiteboardwhich I often do and I drew two
stick figures, two very badstick figures, and one was of my
client and the other one was ofeveryone else.
And then I started doodling allof the different loops and
twists and contortions that myclient was putting themselves
through, bending over backwards,sideways, twisting themselves
(03:26):
into shapes, just to manage howthey were being perceived.
And I stood back from that andI noticed we were both staring
at it.
That simple sketch hit myclient like a gut check in the
very best way, because it showedthem in the most hilariously
(03:50):
humbling way the cognitivedissonance of trying to be
someone they weren't forapproval.
That was never guaranteed andwas never going to be guaranteed
, and that is when the shiftbegan.
So up until that point, feedbackfor my client felt like a
(04:12):
personal verdict, if you will.
Every comment was taken asproof that they weren't doing
enough.
And in coaching we flipped thescript on that, because feedback
it's just data.
If you're willing to see itthat way, it can be very
insightful data.
It could be very insightfuldata.
(04:32):
It could be very useful data.
But looking at it as or whatyou are doing wrong isn't
necessarily the best way toleverage feedback.
And I've done podcast episodesbefore on this.
I think it's called the gift offeedback.
It was early on when it was thewho are you Lead Anyway,
podcast.
So if that's something that foryou is really top of mind, find
(04:54):
that episode, go give it alisten and then think about how
could that be?
Whatever it is that I'm gettingas it relates to feedback, if
it's data, what would I dodifferently?
What could I do differently?
We also flipped the script onsilence, because sometimes
silence is just space.
Silence doesn't have to meananything bad about you.
(05:17):
It doesn't have to mean thatyou have to come in and save the
day.
Sometimes silence is good.
I think our brain likes todefine silence as bad, and when
our brain is predispositioned inthat way, it can often have us
leaning in and really findingourselves filling in the answers
(05:41):
, filling in the gaps, withoutleaving enough space and grace
for other people to be able torespond.
And this brings me to one of theother scripts that we flipped,
my client and I, which is aroundreactions.
So the reactions that otherpeople have.
I'm just going to keep it shortand simple.
For you not yours to manage thethoughts and feelings that
(06:05):
other people have and thereactions that they have, again,
are not yours.
This is something that I'mnoticing with so many clients
and even in my own personal lifeis just recognizing when we're
carrying emotional weight,emotional luggage, if you will,
(06:26):
that isn't ours.
We do have an absoluteresponsibility and
accountability to have ownershipand agency of ourselves, our
thoughts, our ideas, our energy,what we're putting out in the
world.
I mean, at the end of the day,we go to bed with ourselves, and
so we have to be able to lookat ourselves in the mirror and
say, yeah, I lived an alignedlife with my values.
(06:48):
Today, that that helps, at leastfor me, that helps me sleep at
night, and so what I think is sobrilliant about these reframes
is my client was able to come tothis conclusion that for
themselves, once they flippedthe script on feedback, seeing
it as data silence, as spacereactions not theirs to manage
(07:13):
they said I actually don't needto be or to feel more confident.
That's actually not what I needat all.
What I do need is to be morecurious, curious, and I just
want to say like when the energyin the coaching zoom room, when
(07:36):
my client said that was theenergy of, like boom, that was
the unlock for them, that wasthe the door that opened that
from there they were able tobuild their own box of questions
, simple but mighty questionslike what do you think?
(08:01):
How would you approach this?
What does success look like foryou?
That box of questions, or theidea of the box of questions,
became my client's newleadership toolkit.
It wasn't about having theanswers anymore.
It wasn't creating the pressurewithin them to have all of the
(08:25):
answers anymore.
Instead, it was about creatingspace, creating the conditions
for others to step up and forthem, as the leader, to be able
to breathe.
Now listen, none of this was astraight line.
There were so many moments whenmy client was ready to throw in
(08:46):
the towel.
They said to me there's one ofthese sessions that I'm thinking
about.
They said, like I'm doing thework, but nothing is changing.
I'm still feeling bypassed, I'mstill feeling unseen.
And so what we did?
We paused, we got curious andwhat surfaced was this belief
(09:07):
that if they my team don'tacknowledge my growth, it must
not be real.
And that was another crack inthe armor, because the truth of
the matter was recognition fromother people.
It's amazing, it's lovely, butself-recognition that is
(09:27):
non-negotiable.
How you recognize yourself, theinternal scorecard, if you will
, of how you account foryourself and what you are doing,
how you are acknowledging you,that is really, really important
, because one of the things thatI have learned so deeply from
doing this work is you cannotoutsource your worth.
(09:49):
The cost is too damn high.
And we do it as humans, we doit as leaders, we do it as
organizations, we do it asconsumers, we do it and we
really need to think about whyis it that we are doing that and
how can we take our own powerback.
And so the shift is bit by bitfor my client.
(10:13):
They started leadingdifferently and some examples of
that they closed their laptopafter hours, they stopped over
explaining, they leaned intosilence after questions, they
trusted their own scoreboard andI just want to offer this was
(10:36):
uncomfortable because it wasunfamiliar for them.
Comfortable because it wasunfamiliar for them.
They had a default set ofpatterns that had them
performing, pleasing, proving,and they really had to sit with
the discomfort of that and learnto have an entirely different
relationship with themselves sothat they could show up in these
(11:00):
new ways having experiments,testing hypothesis, seeing what
would happen, feeling theresistance, coming back and
coaching through it.
And I think this was sobeautiful because in one of our
final sessions if not the finalsession my client said to me and
this was beautiful, I thoughtleadership was fixing how others
(11:21):
saw me, me.
And this was beautiful.
I thought leadership was fixinghow others saw me.
And now I know that it's abouthow I see myself and that is the
most beautiful like, if I usethis term, like mic drop moment.
I know I hear that in andaround all of the time, but
that's what that is is one ofthose moments.
And so for you, if you arenodding along, here is your
(11:45):
reflection moment that I want toinvite you into.
What is the story?
What story are you tellingyourself when you're trying to
fix how others see you?
And what would change if youled with questions, not answers?
What would change if you ledwith questions, not answers?
(12:07):
Where do you needself-compassion more than
self-criticism today, listen,leadership isn't about image
polishing.
It's about peeling back thelayers and leading from your own
truth in the way that only youcan.
So, friend, if you are donecarrying the invisible weight of
(12:28):
managing perceptions, if youare ready to swap emotional
gymnastics for groundedleadership, I want you to know.
This is the work I do and it isa journey worth taking.
Coaching is not about fixingyou.
It is about helping you see thebrilliance that's already there
(12:49):
, just waiting for you to trustit.
When you stop managingperception, you start leading
with presence.
And here's the beautiful thingthat happens that I'm just
realizing I haven't even touchedon.
When you lead with presence,you live and lead and enjoy each
and every moment that you arein.
(13:12):
And when you are so busyenjoying each and every moment
that you are in, guess whatyou're not doing?
You're not thinking about thepast and you're not thinking
about the future.
And that ego of you, yours, issilent.
And that is my business casefor you To stop managing
(13:35):
perceptions and to start leadingwith perception, with not
perception, cheapers, creepers.
And I'm going to leave that inbecause someone needed to hear
that when you stop managingperceptions, you start leading
with presence.
And until next time, I inviteyou to keep noticing, keep
reflecting and, most of all,keep choosing you, because there
(13:58):
is not another human being onthe planet that has the same
skills, talents, abilities,experiences, values, beliefs,
assumptions, gifts than you, andif we got to miss out on that,
(14:20):
that would be too bad.
Thank you for joining me andI'll be back here, same time,
same place, next week.
Welcome to Unchartered andUnfiltered the journey back to
you.
(14:40):
I am Cynthia Jameson, your host, and this is where we break
free from the noise and divedeep into what truly matters you
.
If you're tired of the shoulds,the expectations and the
pressures to fit into a moldthat doesn't serve you, you're
in the right place.
This isn't a podcast about easyanswers or sugar-coated advice
about easy answers orsugar-coated advice.
(15:00):
This is your invitation toreclaim your path, embrace the
unknown and become the bold,unapologetic version of yourself
that's been waiting to show up.
It's time to get unfiltered.
Let's get started.
Welcome to Unchartered and Unfiltered the
journey back to you.
I am Cynthia Jameson, your host, and this is where we break
free from the noise and divedeep into what truly matters you
.
If you're tired of the shoulds,the expectations and the
pressures to fit into a moldthat doesn't serve you, you're
in the right place.
This isn't a podcast about easyanswers or sugar-coated advice.
(00:32):
This is your invitation toreclaim your path, embrace the
unknown and become the bold,unapologetic version of yourself
that's been waiting to show up.
It's time to get unfiltered.
Let's get started.
Unfiltered, let's get started.
Hello, hello and welcome backto the podcast.
Today I want to just step rightinto it.
I want to have some real talkwith you.
(00:53):
Have you ever left a meeting,replaying every single word,
wondering if you said the rightthing, smiled at the right time,
didn't look too serious butalso not too casual?
Or maybe you've gotten feedbackthat was meant to be
constructive but it hit you likea sledgehammer to the gut?
(01:17):
If you have been there, welcome, friend.
This episode is your permissionslip to stop carrying what is
not yours.
Today, we're going to beunpacking a leadership story
that is less about job titlesand more about the exhausting
emotional weight of trying tomanage how others see you and
what happens when you stop.
(01:38):
So I want to tell you about myclient.
On paper, they had it alltogether Title check, team check
, reputation as the gets it done, person check, check, check.
But underneath the surface, myclient was exhausted.
Every meeting felt like aperformance, every silence felt
(01:59):
like judgment, engagement.
And their very first words tome, when I asked them about what
their goals were for oursix-month engagement they shared
that they wanted to change howpeople see me.
I want to change how people seeme.
How they said it.
I want to change people'sperception.
But here is the plot twist thework wasn't about changing how
(02:23):
people saw them, even thoughthey gave a lot of effort and
energy into trying to do justthat.
The work was really aboutchanging how they saw themselves
, and there was a whole bunch ofemotional gymnastics that was
going on as it relates to peoplepleasing and in this one
particular session at thebeginning of our coaching
(02:44):
journey.
I will never forget this.
It's etched on my mind and oneof the moments that they
reflected back to me was themost powerful in our work
together.
They were sharing how drainingit felt to keep up appearances
to be what everyone needed themto be.
And so I grabbed my whiteboard,which I often do needed them to
(03:05):
be.
And so I grabbed my whiteboardwhich I often do and I drew two
stick figures, two very badstick figures, and one was of my
client and the other one was ofeveryone else.
And then I started doodling allof the different loops and
twists and contortions that myclient was putting themselves
through, bending over backwards,sideways, twisting themselves
(03:26):
into shapes, just to manage howthey were being perceived.
And I stood back from that andI noticed we were both staring
at it.
That simple sketch hit myclient like a gut check in the
very best way, because it showedthem in the most hilariously
(03:50):
humbling way the cognitivedissonance of trying to be
someone they weren't forapproval.
That was never guaranteed andwas never going to be guaranteed
, and that is when the shiftbegan.
So up until that point, feedbackfor my client felt like a
(04:12):
personal verdict, if you will.
Every comment was taken asproof that they weren't doing
enough.
And in coaching we flipped thescript on that, because feedback
it's just data.
If you're willing to see itthat way, it can be very
insightful data.
It could be very insightfuldata.
(04:32):
It could be very useful data.
But looking at it as or whatyou are doing wrong isn't
necessarily the best way toleverage feedback.
And I've done podcast episodesbefore on this.
I think it's called the gift offeedback.
It was early on when it was thewho are you Lead Anyway,
podcast.
So if that's something that foryou is really top of mind, find
(04:54):
that episode, go give it alisten and then think about how
could that be?
Whatever it is that I'm gettingas it relates to feedback, if
it's data, what would I dodifferently?
What could I do differently?
We also flipped the script onsilence, because sometimes
silence is just space.
Silence doesn't have to meananything bad about you.
(05:17):
It doesn't have to mean thatyou have to come in and save the
day.
Sometimes silence is good.
I think our brain likes todefine silence as bad, and when
our brain is predispositioned inthat way, it can often have us
leaning in and really findingourselves filling in the answers
(05:41):
, filling in the gaps, withoutleaving enough space and grace
for other people to be able torespond.
And this brings me to one of theother scripts that we flipped,
my client and I, which is aroundreactions.
So the reactions that otherpeople have.
I'm just going to keep it shortand simple.
For you not yours to manage thethoughts and feelings that
(06:05):
other people have and thereactions that they have, again,
are not yours.
This is something that I'mnoticing with so many clients
and even in my own personal lifeis just recognizing when we're
carrying emotional weight,emotional luggage, if you will,
(06:26):
that isn't ours.
We do have an absoluteresponsibility and
accountability to have ownershipand agency of ourselves, our
thoughts, our ideas, our energy,what we're putting out in the
world.
I mean, at the end of the day,we go to bed with ourselves, and
so we have to be able to lookat ourselves in the mirror and
say, yeah, I lived an alignedlife with my values.
(06:48):
Today, that that helps, at leastfor me, that helps me sleep at
night, and so what I think is sobrilliant about these reframes
is my client was able to come tothis conclusion that for
themselves, once they flippedthe script on feedback, seeing
it as data silence, as spacereactions not theirs to manage
(07:13):
they said I actually don't needto be or to feel more confident.
That's actually not what I needat all.
What I do need is to be morecurious, curious, and I just
want to say like when the energyin the coaching zoom room, when
(07:36):
my client said that was theenergy of, like boom, that was
the unlock for them, that wasthe the door that opened that
from there they were able tobuild their own box of questions
, simple but mighty questionslike what do you think?
(08:01):
How would you approach this?
What does success look like foryou?
That box of questions, or theidea of the box of questions,
became my client's newleadership toolkit.
It wasn't about having theanswers anymore.
It wasn't creating the pressurewithin them to have all of the
(08:25):
answers anymore.
Instead, it was about creatingspace, creating the conditions
for others to step up and forthem, as the leader, to be able
to breathe.
Now listen, none of this was astraight line.
There were so many moments whenmy client was ready to throw in
(08:46):
the towel.
They said to me there's one ofthese sessions that I'm thinking
about.
They said, like I'm doing thework, but nothing is changing.
I'm still feeling bypassed, I'mstill feeling unseen.
And so what we did?
We paused, we got curious andwhat surfaced was this belief
(09:07):
that if they my team don'tacknowledge my growth, it must
not be real.
And that was another crack inthe armor, because the truth of
the matter was recognition fromother people.
It's amazing, it's lovely, butself-recognition that is
(09:27):
non-negotiable.
How you recognize yourself, theinternal scorecard, if you will
, of how you account foryourself and what you are doing,
how you are acknowledging you,that is really, really important
, because one of the things thatI have learned so deeply from
doing this work is you cannotoutsource your worth.
(09:49):
The cost is too damn high.
And we do it as humans, we doit as leaders, we do it as
organizations, we do it asconsumers, we do it and we
really need to think about whyis it that we are doing that and
how can we take our own powerback.
And so the shift is bit by bitfor my client.
(10:13):
They started leadingdifferently and some examples of
that they closed their laptopafter hours, they stopped over
explaining, they leaned intosilence after questions, they
trusted their own scoreboard andI just want to offer this was
(10:36):
uncomfortable because it wasunfamiliar for them.
Comfortable because it wasunfamiliar for them.
They had a default set ofpatterns that had them
performing, pleasing, proving,and they really had to sit with
the discomfort of that and learnto have an entirely different
relationship with themselves sothat they could show up in these
(11:00):
new ways having experiments,testing hypothesis, seeing what
would happen, feeling theresistance, coming back and
coaching through it.
And I think this was sobeautiful because in one of our
final sessions if not the finalsession my client said to me and
this was beautiful, I thoughtleadership was fixing how others
(11:21):
saw me, me.
And this was beautiful.
I thought leadership was fixinghow others saw me.
And now I know that it's abouthow I see myself and that is the
most beautiful like, if I usethis term, like mic drop moment.
I know I hear that in andaround all of the time, but
that's what that is is one ofthose moments.
And so for you, if you arenodding along, here is your
(11:45):
reflection moment that I want toinvite you into.
What is the story?
What story are you tellingyourself when you're trying to
fix how others see you?
And what would change if youled with questions, not answers?
What would change if you ledwith questions, not answers?
(12:07):
Where do you needself-compassion more than
self-criticism today, listen,leadership isn't about image
polishing.
It's about peeling back thelayers and leading from your own
truth in the way that only youcan.
So, friend, if you are donecarrying the invisible weight of
(12:28):
managing perceptions, if youare ready to swap emotional
gymnastics for groundedleadership, I want you to know.
This is the work I do and it isa journey worth taking.
Coaching is not about fixingyou.
It is about helping you see thebrilliance that's already there
(12:49):
, just waiting for you to trustit.
When you stop managingperception, you start leading
with presence.
And here's the beautiful thingthat happens that I'm just
realizing I haven't even touchedon.
When you lead with presence,you live and lead and enjoy each
and every moment that you arein.
(13:12):
And when you are so busyenjoying each and every moment
that you are in, guess whatyou're not doing?
You're not thinking about thepast and you're not thinking
about the future.
And that ego of you, yours, issilent.
And that is my business casefor you To stop managing
(13:35):
perceptions and to start leadingwith perception, with not
perception, cheapers, creepers.
And I'm going to leave that inbecause someone needed to hear
that when you stop managingperceptions, you start leading
with presence.
And until next time, I inviteyou to keep noticing, keep
reflecting and, most of all,keep choosing you, because there
(13:58):
is not another human being onthe planet that has the same
skills, talents, abilities,experiences, values, beliefs,
assumptions, gifts than you, andif we got to miss out on that,
(14:20):
that would be too bad.
Thank you for joining me andI'll be back here, same time,
same place, next week.
Welcome to Unchartered andUnfiltered the journey back to
you.
(14:40):
I am Cynthia Jameson, your host, and this is where we break
free from the noise and divedeep into what truly matters you
.
If you're tired of the shoulds,the expectations and the
pressures to fit into a moldthat doesn't serve you, you're
in the right place.
This isn't a podcast about easyanswers or sugar-coated advice
about easy answers orsugar-coated advice.
(15:00):
This is your invitation toreclaim your path, embrace the
unknown and become the bold,unapologetic version of yourself
that's been waiting to show up.
It's time to get unfiltered.
Let's get started.
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