July 4, 2024 • 25 mins
Effective communication is the cornerstone of success in both business and marriage. But when you're building a company with your spouse, mastering this skill becomes even more crucial. How do you navigate the unique challenges of being both business partners and life partners?
In today's episode, Kevin and Bekah dive deep into the art of communication for couplepreneurs. Drawing from their own journey and insights from successful entrepreneurial couples, they share practical strategies for fostering open dialogue, resolving conflicts, and maintaining a healthy work-life balance.
The Tinters discuss the importance of clearly expressing wants, needs, and expectations, as well as techniques for navigating disagreements without damaging your relationship. They also offer valuable tips on keeping work conversations from overtaking your marriage and how to give critical feedback to your spouse in a constructive way.
Whether you're just starting out in business with your partner or looking to strengthen your existing partnership, this episode provides essential tools for effective communication. Join Kevin and Bekah to learn how to build a thriving business and a bulletproof marriage through the power of clear, honest, and empathetic communication!
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:07):
Hey Uncommon Freedom Fighters, Kevin Tinter here with
my incredible wife and co-host,becca Tinter.
Speaker 2 (00:13):
Hey everybody, in today's episode we are exploring
the secret sauce that keepsboth businesses and marriages
thriving, which is effectivecommunication, whether you're
running, a company, with yourspouse or collaborating with
colleagues, mastering the art ofcommunication is absolutely
crucial.
Speaker 1 (00:31):
So today we're going to unpack a couple of things.
We're going to talk about somekey principles for open, honest
dialogue.
We're going to talk aboutstrategies to navigate conflicts
and find win-win solutions.
It's probably just us None ofyou have conflicts but we're
going to share with you how weresolve those and how to balance
work and love as a couple inbusiness.
(00:55):
We're also going to talk aboutcommunication tips from
successful entrepreneurial duos.
Speaker 2 (01:01):
All right, okay, so we are going to dive into
insights from our own journey ascouplepreneurs and share some
practical tools to level up yourcommunication game.
If you're ready to buildstronger relationships in
boardrooms and bedrooms, keeplistening.
You've 26 years, you stillcan't make that noise of the
(01:23):
tongue or the role of the art,or the role of the tongue, or
the roll of the R or the roll ofthe tongue.
Yes, yes, either one.
Speaker 1 (01:28):
Okay.
Speaker 2 (01:29):
So we're going to talk about some concepts from
your book, some key principlesfrom Chapter 7 on marriage and
the seven disciplines ofuncommon freedom.
Grab yours today on Amazon.
Speaker 1 (01:40):
Yep.
Speaker 2 (01:40):
It is an incredible book and hopefully, if you have
not gotten yours yet, you'llgrab it, read it and then leave
a five-star review.
And if you like to do things onAudible, it is there as well.
Read by Kevin's sexy wife,yours truly.
Speaker 1 (01:54):
And more important than any of those things is to
apply the principles in the bookAbsolutely yeah, so chapter
seven is build a bulletproofmarriage.
So chapter seven is build abulletproof marriage.
And so what we're going to talkabout today is or one of the
things we're going to talk aboutis communicating wants, needs
and preferences, as well asexpectations, clearly, instead
(02:17):
of assuming your partner shouldknow, man, if we could go back
and talk to ourselves as21-year-olds who are getting
married.
Speaker 2 (02:26):
Someone should have given us a counseling session on
the E-word yes, expectationsright, absolutely, and the
reality is expectations.
Speaker 1 (02:35):
Although especially destructive in marriages,
they're really destructive inevery single relationship.
Speaker 2 (02:42):
I guess we should say unmet expectations, well, unmet
and uncommunicated expectations.
Speaker 1 (02:47):
I think that's the key, because expectations,
unfulfilled expectations, leadto disappointment and
frustration.
Yet many times, theexpectations we put on others
are unreasonable or we haven'teven like.
Sometimes, when I've heard anexpectation that you have of me,
or you've heard an expectationthat you have of me, or you've
heard an expectation that I haveof you like it's not even on a
(03:10):
radar no I mean literally,especially when you're talking
about men and women.
Like our brains, it's soobvious.
Speaker 2 (03:17):
You hadn't explained to me that you wanted to have
sex every night of the week, Idon't think I would understand
your expectations like that kindof an example, exactly like,
and if I had explained to youthat my expectation was that
that was not going to happen butthat we could have it often
yeah Kind of making a joke here,but it's true in marriage.
Speaker 1 (03:38):
Because the reality is every guy, I can assure you
the vast majority, are like yeah, that sounds pretty good.
Speaker 2 (03:44):
And women do not hate sex.
For the record, I want to bevery clear If you're in a great
relationship, they probably loveit, but it is just more
complicated because of the wayour brains are created.
Speaker 1 (03:53):
Yep, and you just don't need it as much apparently
.
Speaker 2 (03:57):
Yeah, I do say.
Like you know, Men want to eatevery day.
Speaker 1 (04:01):
Women want to eat every few days, right.
Speaker 2 (04:04):
Some women I don't want to put every woman in a box
.
So many women carry so manyother things around that it's
like amazing every couple days.
And then you know just begrateful.
You know that it's every coupledays.
Speaker 1 (04:15):
Absolutely.
Speaker 2 (04:16):
I think is where I'm going with that, so anyway but
the bottom line beinguncommunicated and unmet
expectations are, I would say,extremely common in
relationships of any kind, Imean with your kids, with
business partners, and it'swhere we get in the most trouble
, I think.
Speaker 1 (04:30):
So let's talk about wants versus needs.
Speaker 2 (04:33):
Oh man, we did this when I was a first grade teacher
, so you first, no, I want totake you back to your first
grade teaching days.
Speaker 1 (04:40):
See if you can remember.
Oh, my goodness, yeah, see ifthat master's degree was grade
teaching days.
See if you can remember, oh mygoodness.
Speaker 2 (04:45):
Yeah, I think most of us, most of us, uh, probably
don't separate those out in ourhead very well.
So, you know, we often think ofour wants as our needs, yeah,
and I think, um, there's abalance between being able to
communicate, that you need acertain amount of emotional
connection or communication,versus you want something done a
(05:05):
certain way.
So I think, in relationship, ifyou're at a healthy place in
your mindset, the first thing insome of these like almost like
pre-conflict resolutions or waysto swim upstream, would be to
even say to yourself is this awant or a need that I have?
And then make sure you'recommunicating it like, hey, this
is a preference I would love tohave.
Or this is going back to someof our lessons on, um, pink and
(05:28):
blue air hoses and how wecommunicate and, like, literally
receive love and respect fromeach other.
I would say that falls into aneed category of.
You know, I need to know thatI'm cherished by you.
That would be a need, not justa desire for me.
That's deep within my core.
Speaker 1 (05:45):
And then I think preferences are important to
communicate.
Uh, because once again, we, weall kind of look at everything
from our perspective and weassume that the way that we do
things is the right way to dothings.
Yeah, um, and there's a lot ofthings in life, in business,
like, if you have people thatwork for you, it's very fair to
(06:10):
communicate your preferences.
I remember, you know, darrenHardy was talking about his wife
hiring a housekeeper and shewas all frustrated, you know,
and she doesn't do it the way Iwant it.
He's like well, did you explainhow you want it done?
She's like no.
He's like well, you have toexplain your preferences and how
you want it done.
She's like no, well, you haveto explain your preferences and
how you want it done and thenyou can hold them to that
standard.
(06:30):
And it's totally fair.
When you're paying someone, youget to have them.
You know, fold your clothes theway you want or things like
that, within reason.
But you also have tocommunicate that.
And certainly, you know, inmarriage, you know, we talked
about this recently wherecommunicating your preferences
for Mother's Day and mecommunicating my preferences for
(06:52):
Father's Day If we did notcommunicate those preferences, I
would fall short on, you know,delivering a spectacular
Mother's Day for you, and youwould fall short on delivering a
spectacular Father's Day for me.
This is really important in youknow, when it comes to holidays
and things like that is justcommunicating preferences, but
also just you know figuring outwhat matters to one spouse
(07:15):
versus the other, and and man, Ireally like it.
You know if we load thedishwasher this way or you know
we we, I mean like you have apreference for how the table
gets set and things like that,and it's communicating that is
important, and then actuallydelivering on that preference is
a way to just show that youactually care about that other
person.
Speaker 2 (07:35):
Yeah, and I think, when it comes to business, some
of the examples that we woulduse is you know, when you're
working with a team and for usagain we we have employees and
but only a few.
Us again we we have employeesand but only a few.
And then we have a lot ofindependent contractors that
don't technically work for us.
So, as we're trying to lead andcommunicate with people that
don't have to work for us, it'seven more challenging, honestly,
to communicate desires, needs,wants when it comes to certain
(07:59):
ways of doing things.
Plus, you want to give peoplefreedom to kind of use their own
creativity with things.
But there are some things thatI would say when it comes to
training and stuff that willjust set the table for them, so
to speak, as far as what wethink is the most successful,
and we've found that it's a loteasier to do it on the front end
than to have to clean it up onthe back end.
Again, thinking about if youhave a downstream issue, the
(08:20):
goal is to eventually figure outwhat the issue is and go
upstream and fix it.
So it might be like, hey, whenwe do trainings together, this
is the time we want to show upon Zoom.
This is the background we wantto have.
This is the time we're going toask you to keep.
Hey, if by chance you don'tkeep to that time, you're going
to notice.
I gently interrupt you.
I don't know how to get it back.
(08:50):
So that's a small thing inbusiness.
But just again, communicationis clear, as kind is what we
like to say, and thecommunication is the results
that we tend to get.
So if we're not getting theresults we want, we take extreme
ownership and we go upstreamyeah.
Speaker 1 (09:04):
So let's talk next about those rare opportunities
or occasions when we haveconflict.
One of the key things thatwe've learned to do is to first
of all take a deep breath andthen even run through this
mantra the facts, facts are.
And list out those facts,either mentally or verbally.
And the story I'm tellingmyself is you know.
(09:26):
So the facts are X, the storyI'm telling myself is Y.
This is honestly.
It's something that we useprobably in our life, every
single day, our life or business, whether it's people we work
with, drawing conclusions aboutthings, whether it's us drawing
conclusions, our life, ourbusiness, whether it's people we
work with, drawing conclusionsabout things, whether it's us
drawing conclusions, you know,if you're late to something, or
if I'm late to something, youknow it's easy to say okay, the
(09:47):
story I'm telling myself isKevin doesn't care, when the
fact is, you know, especiallylike I felt like this is
actually something that wouldhave been very helpful when I
was a police officer, becauseone of the frequent points of
conflict we had was we hadsomething planned.
My shift ended at 4 o'clock Ithink, and it seemed like the
gates of hell always broke looseat 3.30.
(10:09):
And I had absolutely no control.
The other shift was sitting andbriefing, wasting time.
They weren't ready to hit theroad until an hour later, so we
would get stuck on.
You know many times thesestupid calls that would take
hours and I would have to.
You know, sometimes I had thetime to call you, many times I
(10:30):
didn't, and it felt frequentlylike you were saying Kevin
doesn't care, he took this callvoluntarily.
Speaker 2 (10:32):
Really, that's your memory, huh.
That is that is yeah, I mean Idealt with a lot of.
Speaker 1 (10:38):
I came home to a lot of disappointment from coming
home late, from calls that I hadabsolutely no control over, and
I hated it more than anyone,probably.
Speaker 2 (10:49):
the fact is, I was a little burnt out on my end of
parenting three little boys.
Absolutely and desperate forsome relief and was counting
down the minutes.
Speaker 1 (10:57):
Absolutely.
Speaker 2 (10:57):
But you are probably correct.
I do not remember that.
I remember myself being muchmore charming.
Speaker 1 (11:04):
I'm sure you were absolutely charming.
Speaker 2 (11:06):
Like of course, babe, I get it.
You're on a call.
Speaker 1 (11:08):
The bottom line is the facts versus story.
Speaker 2 (11:11):
I guess we've grown up a little bit.
Speaker 1 (11:12):
It's such a good question to ask yourself.
We use it with our children allthe time and it's so helpful
because when you and we actuallywhen we're resolving conflict,
we'll frequently say the storyI'm telling myself is why, um,
and that lets like if you were,if you were to share that with
(11:33):
me, that lets me know whatyou're thinking and then I can
talk about wow, this is whereintent comes in.
Or I can point out someadditional facts that maybe
you're not considering, or justeven the story that I'm telling
myself about how you might beresponding to something.
(11:53):
So, but to realize that thestory we tell ourself frequently
is it's seen through a lens.
Seen through our ownperspective, we're taking the
facts and running them through afilter that really changes the
color of things.
Speaker 2 (12:06):
Another mentor said you know, we're each living on
our own planet, so to speak, andeverything in my planet is
through.
You know my viewpoint.
And so when I look at you onyour planet, I don't understand
the ways of working and so itoften seems very foreign and we
make assumptions about that andit causes conflict.
So if you reach an impasse,obviously seeking an outside
(12:30):
perspective, quality mentorship,counseling or something like
that, because conflict isn'tunhealthy if it gets resolved.
So I think the biggest thing ispeople say like, oh, we never
fight or we shouldn't haveconflict.
We don't believe that's true.
We think conflict is inevitable.
It's leaving it unresolved.
That is dangerous.
Speaker 1 (12:44):
Yeah, and a great analogy to this is like when you
think about exercise, right,when you're lifting weights,
when you're doing some type ofexercise, you're creating
conflict within your muscles andthat conflict breaks things
down, but then they build backstronger, and so I think you
cannot get through this lifewithout some type of conflict,
and so the benefit of learninghow to navigate it, especially
(13:07):
when it's smaller, right, thegoal is to have those micro
tears from exercise versus majortears, macro tears from overuse
, you know when you're way outof shape, and that's what
learning how to resolve conflictdoes for you in a relationship,
especially when it's healthy.
Speaker 2 (13:23):
You're right, and isolation and lack of community
can make marriages grow apart.
We have seen this in others.
We've had experiences in ourown 25 years of this, so it's
really important that weactually grow together by
sharing our dreams and literallycheering each other on, and I
think this is where, when youcan work through conflict and
(13:44):
get it resolved, then hopefullythe majority of the time you're
spending as couplepreneurs,working together, doing life
together, that you are eachother's best cheerleaders and
advocates and you see eachother's best intentions, and
when you do that, I think theconflict is less often.
Speaker 1 (13:57):
Yeah, all right, so we're going to talk about some
potential questions that I'msure many listeners would have,
especially if they happen tofall into that couplepreneur
category.
And this first one is one ofthe most probably challenging
but is how can we keep workconversations from overtaking
every marriage?
You know, all of ourconversation in marriage we have
(14:18):
.
This is something that we stillhave not mastered.
It's very difficult to not haveall of our conversations, or
many of our conversations,ultimately lead to business type
conversations, and I think oneof the things we learned is we
need to put some boundaries inplace.
Even if you're going to go outon a date, you're probably going
(14:41):
to have some businessconversations, but at some point
you have to say, okay, we'redone talking business, the rest
of the night is other stuff,it's relationships and we're
done talking about business, andthe same thing can happen with
kids.
Speaker 2 (14:51):
I mean, you can end up talking about your kids a lot
, because it's part of youreveryday life if you're still in
the parenting years.
So one of our tricks is eitherkeep a list of things that we
want to talk about I know Ioften have a list of things, but
usually they're more liketo-dos instead of just like
really intimate questions.
So we have just come acrossother marriage resources or
(15:11):
couple conversation cards, whichare awesome, and if you take
those a lot of times.
they just prompt enoughconversation that you'll spend
the evening talking about thingsthat are much more intimate and
that matter in your marriagerelationship, and then, when
we've done our year-end review,that gives us a lot of quality
conversation.
So you know, we did that lastyear, we've been doing it every
year and we'll be talking aboutit again at the end of 2024.
Speaker 1 (15:33):
Yeah, and then we've also talked about the fact that
on our quarterly retreats webring our previous year's
year-end reflection worksheetwith us so that we can kind of
review how are we doing as faras our goals and how's the year
going, and that leads to a lotof really good conversation.
Speaker 2 (15:49):
And then the other thing is, if you feel like you
don't have enough time to talkabout work so it's like you're
getting to it when you finallysee each other then schedule a
business meeting.
And we have two kinds ofbusiness meetings that we joke
about when you work from homethe business meeting where you
don't have to be dressed andKevin can say he sleeps with the
boss.
It's business time Exactly.
If you want to go, what is it?
Flight of the Condors.
Speaker 1 (16:09):
Something like that, yeah.
Speaker 2 (16:11):
Kind of a nasty slash hilarious video, music video,
but also regular businessmeetings where we literally plan
time on the calendar to sitdown and talk about metrics,
training decisions and anythingelse regarding our business that
we just don't get time to do ona day-by-day basis.
Speaker 1 (16:27):
All right.
Next one is what are some waysto give critical feedback to a
spouse you work with withoutharming the relationship?
And I should clarify when wemean critical, we mean important
, not to criticize the otherperson, although frequently it
might be perceived that way.
Do you have any suggestions forthis Becca?
Speaker 2 (16:48):
I mean, my suggestion was to ask permission and I
think again, it really dependson the level of trust that you
have within your relationship.
If sharing feedback with eachother is a constant trigger,
then you might need to do itwith mentorship, you might need
to do it with a counselor, youmight need to again ask
permission or just have aspecific time that you guys
discuss your conflicts or yourquestions or your corrections.
(17:10):
For us we tend to just do itoff the cuff and I would say
sometimes it goes great andsometimes not.
Sort of depends what ourenvironment is like.
Speaker 1 (17:18):
I think one of the biggest mistakes is doing it in
the heat of the moment.
Yeah Right, so save it, cooldown, come back to it later that
day, or maybe the following dayis really important, when
everyone's had a chance to takea deep breath, kind of just, you
know, let the temperature inthe rooms cool down a little bit
.
That is really important.
Speaker 2 (17:38):
How easy is that for some of you?
Because there's two differentpersonalities represented at
this table.
You tend to want some time whenwe've had conflict.
And I don't like open windows,I would say in my computer brain
.
I don't like unfinished things.
So for me to not have closurein a conversation or conflict or
a decision, it's veryexhausting actually.
(18:00):
So I I probably rush todecisions sometimes in things,
but also the longer I have toponder or wait for a
conversation with you or comeback to something, it takes
discipline.
For me it's not easy.
Speaker 1 (18:12):
Another great question that might help you
avoid conflict is to ask yourspouse on a date or just in the
evening when you're gettingready for bed, maybe, maybe not.
You want to ask this questionthen.
Speaker 2 (18:26):
But on a scale of one to ten how am I doing as your
husband?
Speaker 1 (18:29):
you know how am I doing as your wife.
How am I doing meeting yourneeds?
Um and uh, you could ask thisbecause if you're working
together, you could ask you know, how am I doing, how do you
feel like I'm doing in mydelegated role in the business?
And to just get an answer.
But once again, if you can askthis, get in the habit of asking
(18:51):
this.
You can make slow improvements,but also you can do it when
it's not as emotional, whenthere's not a crisis.
Speaker 2 (18:57):
That's really good.
I actually I took our 15 and ahalf year old Austin on his debt
deep emotional bonding timelast night and I did actually
ask him that question at the end.
We had had a great discussionand I said hey, you know, what
can I do better, as your mom youknow, and luckily he did not
roll out a long list of thingsthat he wanted to go through.
He just said one or two thingsand it was like okay, you know,
(19:19):
and it was things that wereactually really encouraging, not
too critical in the moment.
I think he would have criticalthings in different moments, but
I just wanted him to know that,although he doesn't make all
the rules in our relationship,that I do want it to be about
relationship and I want to makeimprovements whenever needed.
Speaker 1 (19:36):
All right.
One other question that I'msure some listeners have, if
it's not just us, is how do youhandle major disagreements about
the direction of your sharedbusiness?
We've never had this.
Speaker 2 (19:47):
No, we haven't.
We're pretty blessed, I wouldsay.
Speaker 1 (19:50):
I was being facetious .
Speaker 2 (19:53):
I feel like we've had no conflicts ever.
Okay, then you go.
Speaker 1 (19:57):
Well, I mean just like as an example events Right,
you're much more into events.
I absolutely hate events.
I'm open you events Iabsolutely hate events.
Speaker 2 (20:07):
I'm open, you're closed.
Yeah, I'm open-minded.
Speaker 1 (20:09):
They traumatize me.
Speaker 2 (20:10):
They stress me out um I what we call closed-minded
yeah, I just I, I don't likethem like well you like,
actually, when they've gone welland you've been once they've
gone, but the whole planningprocess the preparation is
absolutely overwhelming for me.
Speaker 1 (20:25):
So, um, but we've we've numerous, and we've had
conversations about them, andwe've had other disagreements
about what's a strategy weshould implement, what's maybe
some new technology we shouldimplement, and I guess we have
conversations, lots ofconversations.
We'll talk about pros and cons,conversations, lots of
conversations.
(20:45):
We'll talk about pros and cons.
We will gather testimonies frompeople who either it's working
or it's not working.
We tend to not be earlyadopters for things.
We have learned and we'vetalked to some of our favorite
associates and realized, as ageneral rule, it's kind of good.
We talked about this on thelast episode fire cannonballs,
(21:08):
I'm sorry, fire musket ballsinstead of cannonballs, and so a
lot of times, if you'rethinking about making a major
shift, it's to say, okay, whatis a musket ball approach that
we can make to this if it feelslike a cannonball approach to
the other spouse?
Speaker 2 (21:22):
Yes, I like that, and then again, so that would be
the testing phase, and thenoften we ask mentors, and then
we pray, you know, and just askfor God's wisdom and discernment
in some of those tough things.
Speaker 1 (21:32):
But we have been.
I would say that that is onething that we always do.
It's like a, it's a reflex forus is we seek out advice from
others that we can trust thathave been down that road or that
(21:55):
just clearly have wisdom.
Speaker 2 (21:57):
Exactly so, and often when we do that, you know if
Kevin's mind might change aboutan event if someone other than
me talks about it.
But it is something for us toknow each other's the things
that we're more comfortable withand less comfortable with, and
be patient through that, becauseit can bring a lot of conflict,
depending on how your businessis structured.
Speaker 1 (22:16):
So we'll talk about the research insights.
Speaker 2 (22:18):
Yeah.
So we've gathered research froma Forbes magazine list of the
United States most successfulcouplepreneurs and how they
manage their marriages and theirbusinesses, and here's some
tips they had to offer.
So first is open.
Honest communication is the key.
So aligning on goals andexpectations.
Speaker 1 (22:36):
All right.
Another one is to do regularemotional check-ins.
Be supportive of each other'sneeds.
Speaker 2 (22:43):
Number three set clear boundaries between work
and personal life.
Define your roles based on yourstrengths.
Speaker 1 (22:47):
We've talked about that a lot.
Yeah, next one is to practicecollaborative problem solving,
seek input and have regulardiscussions.
Speaker 2 (22:56):
And the last one is to celebrate successes and
address failures together, beflexible and adapt to changing
circumstances.
That's so good.
Speaker 1 (23:05):
So good, all right.
So let's recap this.
So we want to mastercommunication for thriving
businesses and marriages, andit's really important.
In order to do that, it'simportant to be clear and direct
, versus just assuming, and verygeneral with things.
We want to identify factsversus stories, especially when
(23:27):
conflict arises and to seekoutside perspective, if needed,
and then resolve the conflict.
Why don't you wrap up?
Speaker 2 (23:35):
And then to cheer each other on Again.
Our goal is to grow together,not apart, to align often, to do
check-ins, set boundaries andcollaborate.
Speaker 1 (23:44):
Real quick on the alignment piece piece or to
cheer each other on and growtogether.
We were talking about this acouple nights ago with some
friends and we've talked aboutbefore.
We feel like a business, beingin business together, is a lot
like having kids.
If your marriage is on therocks, that is not the time to
go have kids and if yourmarriage is struggling, it's not
the time to go into businesstogether.
(24:05):
We feel like children and abusiness will make a strong
marriage stronger and a weakmarriage weaker, and so if
you're struggling in that area,we're not saying you know, hang
up the shingles, quit, but goget some help work on that
marriage, because a being inbusiness together, just like
parenting, has a great potentialto bring in a ton of intimacy.
Speaker 2 (24:27):
Yep.
And then the last one is toaccess resources to communicate
effectively as couples.
Speaker 1 (24:39):
All right, friends.
Speaker 2 (24:39):
Building a successful business and marriage is not
easy, but communication is theglue that holds it all together
Absolutely, so start puttingthese communication strategies
into practice and if you foundvalue in this episode, share it
with an entrepreneurial couplein your life.
Speaker 1 (24:50):
Yes, friends, please share post on social media, give
us a subscribe and a like and afive-star review and then,
until next time, keep havinguncommon conversations on your
journey to uncommon freedomtogether.
We'll see you next time.
Hey Uncommon Freedom Fighters, Kevin Tinter here with
my incredible wife and co-host,becca Tinter.
Speaker 2 (00:13):
Hey everybody, in today's episode we are exploring
the secret sauce that keepsboth businesses and marriages
thriving, which is effectivecommunication, whether you're
running, a company, with yourspouse or collaborating with
colleagues, mastering the art ofcommunication is absolutely
crucial.
Speaker 1 (00:31):
So today we're going to unpack a couple of things.
We're going to talk about somekey principles for open, honest
dialogue.
We're going to talk aboutstrategies to navigate conflicts
and find win-win solutions.
It's probably just us None ofyou have conflicts but we're
going to share with you how weresolve those and how to balance
work and love as a couple inbusiness.
(00:55):
We're also going to talk aboutcommunication tips from
successful entrepreneurial duos.
Speaker 2 (01:01):
All right, okay, so we are going to dive into
insights from our own journey ascouplepreneurs and share some
practical tools to level up yourcommunication game.
If you're ready to buildstronger relationships in
boardrooms and bedrooms, keeplistening.
You've 26 years, you stillcan't make that noise of the
(01:23):
tongue or the role of the art,or the role of the tongue, or
the roll of the R or the roll ofthe tongue.
Yes, yes, either one.
Speaker 1 (01:28):
Okay.
Speaker 2 (01:29):
So we're going to talk about some concepts from
your book, some key principlesfrom Chapter 7 on marriage and
the seven disciplines ofuncommon freedom.
Grab yours today on Amazon.
Speaker 1 (01:40):
Yep.
Speaker 2 (01:40):
It is an incredible book and hopefully, if you have
not gotten yours yet, you'llgrab it, read it and then leave
a five-star review.
And if you like to do things onAudible, it is there as well.
Read by Kevin's sexy wife,yours truly.
Speaker 1 (01:54):
And more important than any of those things is to
apply the principles in the bookAbsolutely yeah, so chapter
seven is build a bulletproofmarriage.
So chapter seven is build abulletproof marriage.
And so what we're going to talkabout today is or one of the
things we're going to talk aboutis communicating wants, needs
and preferences, as well asexpectations, clearly, instead
(02:17):
of assuming your partner shouldknow, man, if we could go back
and talk to ourselves as21-year-olds who are getting
married.
Speaker 2 (02:26):
Someone should have given us a counseling session on
the E-word yes, expectationsright, absolutely, and the
reality is expectations.
Speaker 1 (02:35):
Although especially destructive in marriages,
they're really destructive inevery single relationship.
Speaker 2 (02:42):
I guess we should say unmet expectations, well, unmet
and uncommunicated expectations.
Speaker 1 (02:47):
I think that's the key, because expectations,
unfulfilled expectations, leadto disappointment and
frustration.
Yet many times, theexpectations we put on others
are unreasonable or we haven'teven like.
Sometimes, when I've heard anexpectation that you have of me,
or you've heard an expectationthat you have of me, or you've
heard an expectation that I haveof you like it's not even on a
(03:10):
radar no I mean literally,especially when you're talking
about men and women.
Like our brains, it's soobvious.
Speaker 2 (03:17):
You hadn't explained to me that you wanted to have
sex every night of the week, Idon't think I would understand
your expectations like that kindof an example, exactly like,
and if I had explained to youthat my expectation was that
that was not going to happen butthat we could have it often
yeah Kind of making a joke here,but it's true in marriage.
Speaker 1 (03:38):
Because the reality is every guy, I can assure you
the vast majority, are like yeah, that sounds pretty good.
Speaker 2 (03:44):
And women do not hate sex.
For the record, I want to bevery clear If you're in a great
relationship, they probably loveit, but it is just more
complicated because of the wayour brains are created.
Speaker 1 (03:53):
Yep, and you just don't need it as much apparently
.
Speaker 2 (03:57):
Yeah, I do say.
Like you know, Men want to eatevery day.
Speaker 1 (04:01):
Women want to eat every few days, right.
Speaker 2 (04:04):
Some women I don't want to put every woman in a box
.
So many women carry so manyother things around that it's
like amazing every couple days.
And then you know just begrateful.
You know that it's every coupledays.
Speaker 1 (04:15):
Absolutely.
Speaker 2 (04:16):
I think is where I'm going with that, so anyway but
the bottom line beinguncommunicated and unmet
expectations are, I would say,extremely common in
relationships of any kind, Imean with your kids, with
business partners, and it'swhere we get in the most trouble
, I think.
Speaker 1 (04:30):
So let's talk about wants versus needs.
Speaker 2 (04:33):
Oh man, we did this when I was a first grade teacher
, so you first, no, I want totake you back to your first
grade teaching days.
Speaker 1 (04:40):
See if you can remember.
Oh, my goodness, yeah, see ifthat master's degree was grade
teaching days.
See if you can remember, oh mygoodness.
Speaker 2 (04:45):
Yeah, I think most of us, most of us, uh, probably
don't separate those out in ourhead very well.
So, you know, we often think ofour wants as our needs, yeah,
and I think, um, there's abalance between being able to
communicate, that you need acertain amount of emotional
connection or communication,versus you want something done a
(05:05):
certain way.
So I think, in relationship, ifyou're at a healthy place in
your mindset, the first thing insome of these like almost like
pre-conflict resolutions or waysto swim upstream, would be to
even say to yourself is this awant or a need that I have?
And then make sure you'recommunicating it like, hey, this
is a preference I would love tohave.
Or this is going back to someof our lessons on, um, pink and
(05:28):
blue air hoses and how wecommunicate and, like, literally
receive love and respect fromeach other.
I would say that falls into aneed category of.
You know, I need to know thatI'm cherished by you.
That would be a need, not justa desire for me.
That's deep within my core.
Speaker 1 (05:45):
And then I think preferences are important to
communicate.
Uh, because once again, we, weall kind of look at everything
from our perspective and weassume that the way that we do
things is the right way to dothings.
Yeah, um, and there's a lot ofthings in life, in business,
like, if you have people thatwork for you, it's very fair to
(06:10):
communicate your preferences.
I remember, you know, darrenHardy was talking about his wife
hiring a housekeeper and shewas all frustrated, you know,
and she doesn't do it the way Iwant it.
He's like well, did you explainhow you want it done?
She's like no.
He's like well, you have toexplain your preferences and how
you want it done.
She's like no, well, you haveto explain your preferences and
how you want it done and thenyou can hold them to that
standard.
(06:30):
And it's totally fair.
When you're paying someone, youget to have them.
You know, fold your clothes theway you want or things like
that, within reason.
But you also have tocommunicate that.
And certainly, you know, inmarriage, you know, we talked
about this recently wherecommunicating your preferences
for Mother's Day and mecommunicating my preferences for
(06:52):
Father's Day If we did notcommunicate those preferences, I
would fall short on, you know,delivering a spectacular
Mother's Day for you, and youwould fall short on delivering a
spectacular Father's Day for me.
This is really important in youknow, when it comes to holidays
and things like that is justcommunicating preferences, but
also just you know figuring outwhat matters to one spouse
(07:15):
versus the other, and and man, Ireally like it.
You know if we load thedishwasher this way or you know
we we, I mean like you have apreference for how the table
gets set and things like that,and it's communicating that is
important, and then actuallydelivering on that preference is
a way to just show that youactually care about that other
person.
Speaker 2 (07:35):
Yeah, and I think, when it comes to business, some
of the examples that we woulduse is you know, when you're
working with a team and for usagain we we have employees and
but only a few.
Us again we we have employeesand but only a few.
And then we have a lot ofindependent contractors that
don't technically work for us.
So, as we're trying to lead andcommunicate with people that
don't have to work for us, it'seven more challenging, honestly,
to communicate desires, needs,wants when it comes to certain
(07:59):
ways of doing things.
Plus, you want to give peoplefreedom to kind of use their own
creativity with things.
But there are some things thatI would say when it comes to
training and stuff that willjust set the table for them, so
to speak, as far as what wethink is the most successful,
and we've found that it's a loteasier to do it on the front end
than to have to clean it up onthe back end.
Again, thinking about if youhave a downstream issue, the
(08:20):
goal is to eventually figure outwhat the issue is and go
upstream and fix it.
So it might be like, hey, whenwe do trainings together, this
is the time we want to show upon Zoom.
This is the background we wantto have.
This is the time we're going toask you to keep.
Hey, if by chance you don'tkeep to that time, you're going
to notice.
I gently interrupt you.
I don't know how to get it back.
(08:50):
So that's a small thing inbusiness.
But just again, communicationis clear, as kind is what we
like to say, and thecommunication is the results
that we tend to get.
So if we're not getting theresults we want, we take extreme
ownership and we go upstreamyeah.
Speaker 1 (09:04):
So let's talk next about those rare opportunities
or occasions when we haveconflict.
One of the key things thatwe've learned to do is to first
of all take a deep breath andthen even run through this
mantra the facts, facts are.
And list out those facts,either mentally or verbally.
And the story I'm tellingmyself is you know.
(09:26):
So the facts are X, the storyI'm telling myself is Y.
This is honestly.
It's something that we useprobably in our life, every
single day, our life or business, whether it's people we work
with, drawing conclusions aboutthings, whether it's us drawing
conclusions, our life, ourbusiness, whether it's people we
work with, drawing conclusionsabout things, whether it's us
drawing conclusions, you know,if you're late to something, or
if I'm late to something, youknow it's easy to say okay, the
(09:47):
story I'm telling myself isKevin doesn't care, when the
fact is, you know, especiallylike I felt like this is
actually something that wouldhave been very helpful when I
was a police officer, becauseone of the frequent points of
conflict we had was we hadsomething planned.
My shift ended at 4 o'clock Ithink, and it seemed like the
gates of hell always broke looseat 3.30.
(10:09):
And I had absolutely no control.
The other shift was sitting andbriefing, wasting time.
They weren't ready to hit theroad until an hour later, so we
would get stuck on.
You know many times thesestupid calls that would take
hours and I would have to.
You know, sometimes I had thetime to call you, many times I
(10:30):
didn't, and it felt frequentlylike you were saying Kevin
doesn't care, he took this callvoluntarily.
Speaker 2 (10:32):
Really, that's your memory, huh.
That is that is yeah, I mean Idealt with a lot of.
Speaker 1 (10:38):
I came home to a lot of disappointment from coming
home late, from calls that I hadabsolutely no control over, and
I hated it more than anyone,probably.
Speaker 2 (10:49):
the fact is, I was a little burnt out on my end of
parenting three little boys.
Absolutely and desperate forsome relief and was counting
down the minutes.
Speaker 1 (10:57):
Absolutely.
Speaker 2 (10:57):
But you are probably correct.
I do not remember that.
I remember myself being muchmore charming.
Speaker 1 (11:04):
I'm sure you were absolutely charming.
Speaker 2 (11:06):
Like of course, babe, I get it.
You're on a call.
Speaker 1 (11:08):
The bottom line is the facts versus story.
Speaker 2 (11:11):
I guess we've grown up a little bit.
Speaker 1 (11:12):
It's such a good question to ask yourself.
We use it with our children allthe time and it's so helpful
because when you and we actuallywhen we're resolving conflict,
we'll frequently say the storyI'm telling myself is why, um,
and that lets like if you were,if you were to share that with
(11:33):
me, that lets me know whatyou're thinking and then I can
talk about wow, this is whereintent comes in.
Or I can point out someadditional facts that maybe
you're not considering, or justeven the story that I'm telling
myself about how you might beresponding to something.
(11:53):
So, but to realize that thestory we tell ourself frequently
is it's seen through a lens.
Seen through our ownperspective, we're taking the
facts and running them through afilter that really changes the
color of things.
Speaker 2 (12:06):
Another mentor said you know, we're each living on
our own planet, so to speak, andeverything in my planet is
through.
You know my viewpoint.
And so when I look at you onyour planet, I don't understand
the ways of working and so itoften seems very foreign and we
make assumptions about that andit causes conflict.
So if you reach an impasse,obviously seeking an outside
(12:30):
perspective, quality mentorship,counseling or something like
that, because conflict isn'tunhealthy if it gets resolved.
So I think the biggest thing ispeople say like, oh, we never
fight or we shouldn't haveconflict.
We don't believe that's true.
We think conflict is inevitable.
It's leaving it unresolved.
That is dangerous.
Speaker 1 (12:44):
Yeah, and a great analogy to this is like when you
think about exercise, right,when you're lifting weights,
when you're doing some type ofexercise, you're creating
conflict within your muscles andthat conflict breaks things
down, but then they build backstronger, and so I think you
cannot get through this lifewithout some type of conflict,
and so the benefit of learninghow to navigate it, especially
(13:07):
when it's smaller, right, thegoal is to have those micro
tears from exercise versus majortears, macro tears from overuse
, you know when you're way outof shape, and that's what
learning how to resolve conflictdoes for you in a relationship,
especially when it's healthy.
Speaker 2 (13:23):
You're right, and isolation and lack of community
can make marriages grow apart.
We have seen this in others.
We've had experiences in ourown 25 years of this, so it's
really important that weactually grow together by
sharing our dreams and literallycheering each other on, and I
think this is where, when youcan work through conflict and
(13:44):
get it resolved, then hopefullythe majority of the time you're
spending as couplepreneurs,working together, doing life
together, that you are eachother's best cheerleaders and
advocates and you see eachother's best intentions, and
when you do that, I think theconflict is less often.
Speaker 1 (13:57):
Yeah, all right, so we're going to talk about some
potential questions that I'msure many listeners would have,
especially if they happen tofall into that couplepreneur
category.
And this first one is one ofthe most probably challenging
but is how can we keep workconversations from overtaking
every marriage?
You know, all of ourconversation in marriage we have
(14:18):
.
This is something that we stillhave not mastered.
It's very difficult to not haveall of our conversations, or
many of our conversations,ultimately lead to business type
conversations, and I think oneof the things we learned is we
need to put some boundaries inplace.
Even if you're going to go outon a date, you're probably going
(14:41):
to have some businessconversations, but at some point
you have to say, okay, we'redone talking business, the rest
of the night is other stuff,it's relationships and we're
done talking about business, andthe same thing can happen with
kids.
Speaker 2 (14:51):
I mean, you can end up talking about your kids a lot
, because it's part of youreveryday life if you're still in
the parenting years.
So one of our tricks is eitherkeep a list of things that we
want to talk about I know Ioften have a list of things, but
usually they're more liketo-dos instead of just like
really intimate questions.
So we have just come acrossother marriage resources or
(15:11):
couple conversation cards, whichare awesome, and if you take
those a lot of times.
they just prompt enoughconversation that you'll spend
the evening talking about thingsthat are much more intimate and
that matter in your marriagerelationship, and then, when
we've done our year-end review,that gives us a lot of quality
conversation.
So you know, we did that lastyear, we've been doing it every
year and we'll be talking aboutit again at the end of 2024.
Speaker 1 (15:33):
Yeah, and then we've also talked about the fact that
on our quarterly retreats webring our previous year's
year-end reflection worksheetwith us so that we can kind of
review how are we doing as faras our goals and how's the year
going, and that leads to a lotof really good conversation.
Speaker 2 (15:49):
And then the other thing is, if you feel like you
don't have enough time to talkabout work so it's like you're
getting to it when you finallysee each other then schedule a
business meeting.
And we have two kinds ofbusiness meetings that we joke
about when you work from homethe business meeting where you
don't have to be dressed andKevin can say he sleeps with the
boss.
It's business time Exactly.
If you want to go, what is it?
Flight of the Condors.
Speaker 1 (16:09):
Something like that, yeah.
Speaker 2 (16:11):
Kind of a nasty slash hilarious video, music video,
but also regular businessmeetings where we literally plan
time on the calendar to sitdown and talk about metrics,
training decisions and anythingelse regarding our business that
we just don't get time to do ona day-by-day basis.
Speaker 1 (16:27):
All right.
Next one is what are some waysto give critical feedback to a
spouse you work with withoutharming the relationship?
And I should clarify when wemean critical, we mean important
, not to criticize the otherperson, although frequently it
might be perceived that way.
Do you have any suggestions forthis Becca?
Speaker 2 (16:48):
I mean, my suggestion was to ask permission and I
think again, it really dependson the level of trust that you
have within your relationship.
If sharing feedback with eachother is a constant trigger,
then you might need to do itwith mentorship, you might need
to do it with a counselor, youmight need to again ask
permission or just have aspecific time that you guys
discuss your conflicts or yourquestions or your corrections.
(17:10):
For us we tend to just do itoff the cuff and I would say
sometimes it goes great andsometimes not.
Sort of depends what ourenvironment is like.
Speaker 1 (17:18):
I think one of the biggest mistakes is doing it in
the heat of the moment.
Yeah Right, so save it, cooldown, come back to it later that
day, or maybe the following dayis really important, when
everyone's had a chance to takea deep breath, kind of just, you
know, let the temperature inthe rooms cool down a little bit
.
That is really important.
Speaker 2 (17:38):
How easy is that for some of you?
Because there's two differentpersonalities represented at
this table.
You tend to want some time whenwe've had conflict.
And I don't like open windows,I would say in my computer brain
.
I don't like unfinished things.
So for me to not have closurein a conversation or conflict or
a decision, it's veryexhausting actually.
(18:00):
So I I probably rush todecisions sometimes in things,
but also the longer I have toponder or wait for a
conversation with you or comeback to something, it takes
discipline.
For me it's not easy.
Speaker 1 (18:12):
Another great question that might help you
avoid conflict is to ask yourspouse on a date or just in the
evening when you're gettingready for bed, maybe, maybe not.
You want to ask this questionthen.
Speaker 2 (18:26):
But on a scale of one to ten how am I doing as your
husband?
Speaker 1 (18:29):
you know how am I doing as your wife.
How am I doing meeting yourneeds?
Um and uh, you could ask thisbecause if you're working
together, you could ask you know, how am I doing, how do you
feel like I'm doing in mydelegated role in the business?
And to just get an answer.
But once again, if you can askthis, get in the habit of asking
(18:51):
this.
You can make slow improvements,but also you can do it when
it's not as emotional, whenthere's not a crisis.
Speaker 2 (18:57):
That's really good.
I actually I took our 15 and ahalf year old Austin on his debt
deep emotional bonding timelast night and I did actually
ask him that question at the end.
We had had a great discussionand I said hey, you know, what
can I do better, as your mom youknow, and luckily he did not
roll out a long list of thingsthat he wanted to go through.
He just said one or two thingsand it was like okay, you know,
(19:19):
and it was things that wereactually really encouraging, not
too critical in the moment.
I think he would have criticalthings in different moments, but
I just wanted him to know that,although he doesn't make all
the rules in our relationship,that I do want it to be about
relationship and I want to makeimprovements whenever needed.
Speaker 1 (19:36):
All right.
One other question that I'msure some listeners have, if
it's not just us, is how do youhandle major disagreements about
the direction of your sharedbusiness?
We've never had this.
Speaker 2 (19:47):
No, we haven't.
We're pretty blessed, I wouldsay.
Speaker 1 (19:50):
I was being facetious .
Speaker 2 (19:53):
I feel like we've had no conflicts ever.
Okay, then you go.
Speaker 1 (19:57):
Well, I mean just like as an example events Right,
you're much more into events.
I absolutely hate events.
I'm open you events Iabsolutely hate events.
Speaker 2 (20:07):
I'm open, you're closed.
Yeah, I'm open-minded.
Speaker 1 (20:09):
They traumatize me.
Speaker 2 (20:10):
They stress me out um I what we call closed-minded
yeah, I just I, I don't likethem like well you like,
actually, when they've gone welland you've been once they've
gone, but the whole planningprocess the preparation is
absolutely overwhelming for me.
Speaker 1 (20:25):
So, um, but we've we've numerous, and we've had
conversations about them, andwe've had other disagreements
about what's a strategy weshould implement, what's maybe
some new technology we shouldimplement, and I guess we have
conversations, lots ofconversations.
We'll talk about pros and cons,conversations, lots of
conversations.
(20:45):
We'll talk about pros and cons.
We will gather testimonies frompeople who either it's working
or it's not working.
We tend to not be earlyadopters for things.
We have learned and we'vetalked to some of our favorite
associates and realized, as ageneral rule, it's kind of good.
We talked about this on thelast episode fire cannonballs,
(21:08):
I'm sorry, fire musket ballsinstead of cannonballs, and so a
lot of times, if you'rethinking about making a major
shift, it's to say, okay, whatis a musket ball approach that
we can make to this if it feelslike a cannonball approach to
the other spouse?
Speaker 2 (21:22):
Yes, I like that, and then again, so that would be
the testing phase, and thenoften we ask mentors, and then
we pray, you know, and just askfor God's wisdom and discernment
in some of those tough things.
Speaker 1 (21:32):
But we have been.
I would say that that is onething that we always do.
It's like a, it's a reflex forus is we seek out advice from
others that we can trust thathave been down that road or that
(21:55):
just clearly have wisdom.
Speaker 2 (21:57):
Exactly so, and often when we do that, you know if
Kevin's mind might change aboutan event if someone other than
me talks about it.
But it is something for us toknow each other's the things
that we're more comfortable withand less comfortable with, and
be patient through that, becauseit can bring a lot of conflict,
depending on how your businessis structured.
Speaker 1 (22:16):
So we'll talk about the research insights.
Speaker 2 (22:18):
Yeah.
So we've gathered research froma Forbes magazine list of the
United States most successfulcouplepreneurs and how they
manage their marriages and theirbusinesses, and here's some
tips they had to offer.
So first is open.
Honest communication is the key.
So aligning on goals andexpectations.
Speaker 1 (22:36):
All right.
Another one is to do regularemotional check-ins.
Be supportive of each other'sneeds.
Speaker 2 (22:43):
Number three set clear boundaries between work
and personal life.
Define your roles based on yourstrengths.
Speaker 1 (22:47):
We've talked about that a lot.
Yeah, next one is to practicecollaborative problem solving,
seek input and have regulardiscussions.
Speaker 2 (22:56):
And the last one is to celebrate successes and
address failures together, beflexible and adapt to changing
circumstances.
That's so good.
Speaker 1 (23:05):
So good, all right.
So let's recap this.
So we want to mastercommunication for thriving
businesses and marriages, andit's really important.
In order to do that, it'simportant to be clear and direct
, versus just assuming, and verygeneral with things.
We want to identify factsversus stories, especially when
(23:27):
conflict arises and to seekoutside perspective, if needed,
and then resolve the conflict.
Why don't you wrap up?
Speaker 2 (23:35):
And then to cheer each other on Again.
Our goal is to grow together,not apart, to align often, to do
check-ins, set boundaries andcollaborate.
Speaker 1 (23:44):
Real quick on the alignment piece piece or to
cheer each other on and growtogether.
We were talking about this acouple nights ago with some
friends and we've talked aboutbefore.
We feel like a business, beingin business together, is a lot
like having kids.
If your marriage is on therocks, that is not the time to
go have kids and if yourmarriage is struggling, it's not
the time to go into businesstogether.
(24:05):
We feel like children and abusiness will make a strong
marriage stronger and a weakmarriage weaker, and so if
you're struggling in that area,we're not saying you know, hang
up the shingles, quit, but goget some help work on that
marriage, because a being inbusiness together, just like
parenting, has a great potentialto bring in a ton of intimacy.
Speaker 2 (24:27):
Yep.
And then the last one is toaccess resources to communicate
effectively as couples.
Speaker 1 (24:39):
All right, friends.
Speaker 2 (24:39):
Building a successful business and marriage is not
easy, but communication is theglue that holds it all together
Absolutely, so start puttingthese communication strategies
into practice and if you foundvalue in this episode, share it
with an entrepreneurial couplein your life.
Speaker 1 (24:50):
Yes, friends, please share post on social media, give
us a subscribe and a like and afive-star review and then,
until next time, keep havinguncommon conversations on your
journey to uncommon freedomtogether.
We'll see you next time.
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