December 2, 2024 • 33 mins
Your marriage is the most important relationship you have, but how do you build it into a healthy relationship. Without intentionality we don't drift closer. This episode Pastor Cameron and Luke discuss rituals for connection and a deeper marriage.
- (00:00) - Welcome to the Uncut Podcast
- (01:02) - Rituals for Connection
- (02:38) - The Importance of Mentorship
- (05:42) - Creating a Couple Bubble
- (10:11) - Prioritizing the Marriage Relationship
- (12:45) - Weekly Rituals of Connection
- (18:07) - Intentional Romance
- (20:43) - Shared Experiences and Interests
- (31:54) - Conclusion and New Beginnings
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Luke (00:00):
We model our marriages after those marriages that we
saw most often.
Cameron (00:04):
Mhmm.
Luke (00:05):
If we don't see a lot of positive patterns or pattern
patterns or rituals forconnection Yep. We have a low
stocked library of ways toconnect with our spouse. Welcome
to the uncut podcast. I'm pastorLuke. I'm pastor Cameron.
And this is the uncut podcastwhere we have honest uncut
(00:27):
conversations about faith, life,and ministry. We've spent the
last several episodes talkingabout marriage, and this is kind
of at least the last plannedepisode we have on kinda digging
into some of this topic ofmarriage. Last week, we talked
about, how to, avoid or I shouldsay last episode. So if you're
(00:52):
watching us, we're not justwearing the same clothes.
Cameron (00:55):
We wear the same thing every week.
Luke (00:56):
Every week, every day. No. But last episode, we talked
about patterns to avoid. Andtoday, we wanna talk about
rituals for connection or maybepatterns to pursue would be
another way of saying that, andkind of dive in and kind of
because because I think that wasone of the things that I thought
(01:16):
was really beneficial to hearfrom the marriage conference
when we were at it, was hearingyou, Cliff and Rodney from
Crosspoint Ministries, hearingjust kind of a glimpse into
other people's marriages of someof those rituals, those patterns
of seeking connection andbuilding into a relationship
(01:39):
that I'm like, oh, that's areally neat idea or that's cool.
Maybe we could do somethingsimilar like that.
And just ways to build into therelationship that, we don't
always get to see. You know?Like, we we talked about this in
our, like, first or first coupleepisodes on this. Like, we model
(02:00):
our marriages after thosemarriages that we saw most
often.
Cameron (02:04):
Mhmm.
Luke (02:04):
And so if we don't see a lot of pat positive patterns or
pattern patterns or rituals forconnection Yep. We have a low
stocked library of ways toconnect with our spouse. So
Cameron (02:17):
Yep. Yeah. Agreed. Like, we should be even not just
in the premarital stage or askids, but, like, even as we're
married.
Luke (02:29):
Mhmm.
Cameron (02:30):
I think it's important that we have marriages that we
look at and learn from. Yeah.Mentors. We could do a whole
episode on the spiritual art ofmentorship.
Luke (02:45):
Oh my gosh. Yes. Because it gets done wrong a lot.
Cameron (02:49):
Yeah. I got a lot to say about that. Yeah. Yeah. I've
met with the same man every weekfor the past 17 years.
Luke (03:04):
Wow. Didn't realize it had been that long.
Cameron (03:08):
Yep. Yeah. It was right when I went to my 2nd church. My
second appointment was thatyear.
Luke (03:15):
Mhmm.
Cameron (03:18):
And one of the reasons, one of the reasons actually, the
primary reason he's retired fromministry now. He's a pastor. Has
adult children and grandkids andall that and married. And but
one of the reasons primaryreasons that I was like, I
approached him 1 year at annualconference, and I was like, will
(03:38):
you would you mentor me? Wouldyou be willing to meet with me
on a regular basis?
Mhmm. And we just actually hadthis conversation a couple weeks
ago. He was like, what led youto do that? Mhmm. And and there
was a bunch of reasons, but oneof them was like, well, I
recognized that you were nearingthe end of ministry.
Luke (04:03):
Mhmm.
Cameron (04:04):
Almost ready to retire. And, I mean, he led a, by all
accounts and by alldescriptions, a successful
church, a healthy church Mhmm.Did a good job pastoring.
Luke (04:19):
Yeah.
Cameron (04:22):
But what I was really intrigued with is that his
family was intact.
Luke (04:30):
Mhmm.
Cameron (04:32):
He had a happy and vibrant marriage.
Luke (04:35):
Mhmm.
Cameron (04:36):
All of his kids loved the Lord. Mhmm. We're serving
the Lord in various capacities,not not occupationally Yeah. But
serving the Lord in variouscapacities, had spouses that
believed, had grandkids thatbelieved. Mhmm.
There was obviously a legacy offaith. Yeah. And I was like, if
(04:56):
I get to the end of what will befor me, if I retire at my, you
know, like, no at a normalretirement age, say, 67 years
old, I will have been pastoringfor 45, 46 years Mhmm. At that
point. So if I get through 46years of ministry and my family
(05:21):
is intact and my marriage ishealthy and my kids love the
Lord, don't hate the church,don't hate me.
Yeah. Then I'm like, I don'tcare what I did here in this
building. Mhmm. I don't care. Ifif if that's good, I'm good.
(05:42):
Yep. I'm good. So, mentorship.
Luke (05:48):
Yeah. But we need we need I think that, like, this this
will lead back into ourconversation here. But one of
the things that I think is soimportant is not just advice
from mentors
Cameron (06:02):
Mm-mm.
Luke (06:02):
But an image from mentors. Yep. Like, we need to see people
more than we need to just heartheir, like, 10 best tips for
this or advice on this. There'san intangible quality to just
seeing what they look like, howthey act, how they behave, how
(06:25):
they handle and carrythemselves, that creates an
image for us to model ourselvesafter. That's worth its weight
in gold compared to any list of,you know, hacks, tips, tricks,
best practices.
It's that image.
Cameron (06:42):
Honestly, in 17 years of meeting together, there
hasn't been that many timeswe've been like, what would you
do in this ministry situation,or what would you do with this
particular thing? Or how wouldyou preach this passage or
anything like that? Yeah. It'snot really been like that. We
naturally get into thoseconversations because that's our
both of our primary portion ofour lives, but it has is mostly
(07:04):
just been about, like, life onlife.
Mhmm. A role model. Yeah. Youknow? He's bought Christmas
gifts for my kids, and, like,it's just Yeah.
Luke (07:16):
So But we need that for our marriages too.
Cameron (07:18):
That for our marriages.
Luke (07:19):
Because Mhmm. We need an image of what a healthy marriage
looks like sometimes
Cameron (07:25):
Mhmm.
Luke (07:25):
Or a way to kind of steer and grow our relationship if we
don't feel like we have a reallybig bag of tools or we just just
don't even know what it lookslike. We're just kind of we've
got one image in our head, andthere's some good things about
that image, and there's some badthings. And we just wanna Mhmm.
Have some other ways to kindadirect and build our
relationship.
Cameron (07:46):
Mhmm. Yeah. So when we talk about then patterns of
connection Mhmm. In marriage orcreating, however you wanna call
it. I don't know what you want.
You you had a good descriptionof it in the intro, but creating
patterns of of connection withone another. Mhmm. I I I I think
(08:09):
that starting at the most baselevel of creating those patterns
is a mindset from both partnersor both parties in the marriage.
Yep. A mindset that says, thisis the most important human
relationship Yep.
That we have. Yep. Period. Mhmm.Bar none.
(08:33):
Without question, there is noother relationship that is more
important. Yep. Not with myparents, not with my friends,
not with my siblings, not withmy kids Yep. Not with my
coworkers Yep. Not with mydreams, not with my, ambitions
(08:54):
Mhmm.
You know, not with anythingelse. My relationship with my
spouse is the most importantrelationship human relationship
that I have.
Luke (09:02):
Uh-huh.
Cameron (09:03):
Because if you don't start there,
Luke (09:08):
you you'll be in trouble. But and and so that the the
phrase that's most I don't knowif it's most often. I think it
might be the most often, like,description of marriage in the
bible is this is why, a husbandshould leave his family Mhmm. Or
and be with his wife so that 2shall become one flesh. Mhmm.
Right? That said Cleave. Cleave.Right? Leave and cleave.
(09:31):
Mhmm. There is a separation.There's there's a loss that
happens at a at a at a marriage.The family loses Yep. Their
children and a new family isborn.
And this is so important. Iremember the way I think about
this, this phrase has stuck withme from this book I read. I
(09:51):
think it was wired for dating,And there's maybe a companion
book that's wired for marriage,or wired for connection. It's
some sort of title like that. Ican't remember the author.
But he described he's like, thisis one of the most important
things you gotta get in yourmarriage. Right? You have to
have a couple bubble.
Cameron (10:11):
Mhmm.
Luke (10:11):
You have to have this bubble of safety that nobody
comes inside the bubble Mhmm.With me and my wife, me and my
husband, whatever. And the oneof the ways that this always
like, the classic, the sitcom,the stereotypical way that this
happens is with mother in laws.
Cameron (10:30):
Mhmm.
Luke (10:31):
Like, you know, like, just just think of Everybody Loves
Raymond or whatever sitcom from,like, then at that time period.
Like, the mother-in-law livesacross the street and comes over
all the time, and that is thesource of all the conflict in
the show. Right? Because thehusband won't leave won't leave
(10:54):
the family. Don't won't leavethe responsibility.
And the wife is always leftguessing
Cameron (11:00):
Who's more important?
Luke (11:01):
Who's more important, mom or me? Mhmm. That's the
stereotypical example. But thatcan happen with kids like we're
talking about in last episode,job, and can talk to just about
anything. And that moment when aspouse doesn't feel that safety
that, like, they're gonna pickme no matter what.
Mhmm. Even if I'm, like, even ifI'm kind of wrong, are they
(11:26):
still gonna back me up? Mhmm.Like, that's a really important
amount of safety andprioritization that's, like,
important in, like, a marriage.So that's how I always think
about it in my head is I'malways saying, like, alright.
Couple bubble. Like because it'skinda fun to say. But Yeah.
Cameron (11:44):
No. It's a great example, and it's very, very
true. And that's exactly whatwe're talking about is that
there has to be a mindset thatthe bubble can't be popped. Yep.
The bubble can't be infiltrated.
Luke (11:57):
Mhmm.
Cameron (11:58):
Like, this is it. That if you're not prepared for that
if you're not prepared for thatgoing into your marriage, it can
be hard that can be a hardreality to accept. Yep.
Especially with families withreally clo close family dynamics
and closed family systems.
Luke (12:16):
Yeah.
Cameron (12:19):
That is can be one of the most significant problem
areas for couples who experiencedifficulty is when they're
unwilling to make their spousethe most important human
relationship that they have.Yeah. So the very first thing,
is, is a mindset to say, thatthis is the most important
(12:43):
relationship that I have. Andbecause it's the most important
relationship that I have, I'mgoing to order my life
accordingly
Luke (12:53):
Mhmm.
Cameron (12:54):
So that we don't just walk, you know, that we're not
that we you know, we may bewalking side by side in, like,
kind of a parallel way, but,like, that we're actually
creating connections, we do so.Yeah. Yeah. So say one of the
(13:14):
things about creating rituals ofconnection is, is deciding on
and determining on at least I Iuse the the I I use it kind of
arbitrarily, but it's the wordthat it's the it's the kind of,
like, time based world that welive in. So I'll just say once a
(13:36):
week.
K? Once a week that there is aconsecrated time of we'll use
we'll use the term. There's aconsecrated time of couple
bubble. Bubble bubble is notit's not infiltrated
Luke (13:57):
Right.
Cameron (13:58):
Or popped Mhmm. Or taken off or whatever. Yep. But,
by anything or anyone Yeah.Else.
So a a consecrated time.Consecration means to set
something apart
Luke (14:11):
Mhmm.
Cameron (14:12):
From the whole. Yep. So that would mean, like, you know,
for Sherry and I, as a forinstance, I talked a little bit
about this at the at themarriage conference. Because the
nature of our life, the natureof our family, and the nature of
our schedule, We have 2consecrated times per week.
Luke (14:38):
Mhmm.
Cameron (14:39):
Friday nights and Sunday nights.
Luke (14:41):
Yep.
Cameron (14:44):
Now there's a couple reasons that we chose those
times and chose it like we did.The first is we chose Friday
nights and Sunday nights becauseFriday is my day off typically.
And at the end of a Fridaynight, I'm more relaxed. Yep.
We've probably spent a goodportion of the day together.
(15:06):
Mhmm. I'm not I'm not burnt outfrom a day of work. Yep. I don't
have to get up early.
Luke (15:16):
Mhmm.
Cameron (15:17):
In the morning. Yep. You know? So we can stay up
later. And then, so Friday nightand then Sunday night.
Luke (15:25):
Mhmm.
Cameron (15:26):
The, you know, the kind of the biggest day of my week is
done. Maybe I've taken a nap inthe afternoon to recover from
preaching and or leading. Youknow, the whole family has been
home, so we've gotten reallygood family time together. Yep.
And so then now it's time toreconnect with one another Mhmm.
(15:51):
Individually. And just becauseof the nature of our family and
because we have difficult timewith, you know, always securing
babysitters or whatever,
Luke (16:04):
you know You mean it's hard to get a babysitter for,
like, 5 kids?
Cameron (16:07):
It is very hard. It is very hard. Yep. Especially once
a week.
Luke (16:16):
Oh, yeah.
Cameron (16:17):
Super hard. Mhmm. So we just say, like, okay. On those
two nights, we we don't have wedon't sit down for dinner with
the kids. Yeah.
Well, obviously, the kids getdinner and all that. But on
Friday nights Saturday nights,we or Sunday nights. I'm sorry.
(16:39):
They get their own dinner. We dothe whole bedtime routine and
and stuff.
Sunday night, we might put themto bed just a little bit earlier
than normal. They got school thenext day, you know, etcetera.
And then we have specific thingsthat we do on Friday and
specific things that we do onSunday. Like on Friday night, we
always get takeout. Yeah.
(16:59):
The 2 of us. So we'll call arestaurant, we'll order takeout.
I'll go pick it up, bring ithome. It's like picnic on top of
the bed. Yeah.
Watch whatever Netflix showwe're currently watching or
whatever. We'll eat our dinner.We'll spend that time just
consecrated, set apart, just the2 of us at home date. Sunday,
(17:23):
we've got a family tradition ofit's kinda the same thing, but
we kinda have a family traditionof, eating, popcorn, cheese,
apples, pepperoni, crackers.
Luke (17:34):
Like, the greatest charcuterie board you can put
together?
Cameron (17:37):
Right. Yeah. On Sunday night. Kids eat it. Mhmm.
We eat it. So kids get their ownfor dinner, and then we get our
own, after the kids go to bed.And so, and it has just been for
us what we have always done.Mhmm. But what it what it has
(18:00):
done is it has ritualized theprioritization of one another.
Yep. And it has given ussomething to be anticipating
Yep. And looking forward to
Luke (18:16):
Mhmm.
Cameron (18:16):
And also building into. So, like, there's there's kind
of nothing worse than spendingquiet time with a person that
you've ignored all day. Yeah.Mhmm. Or that you are You've
Luke (18:40):
been not been present with at all during the
Cameron (18:41):
week. Or you're or you're arguing with. Yeah. Mhmm.
Or whatever.
And so knowing that Friday nightis coming Mhmm. We're both
proactively looking for Yeah. Tomake sure that we are the slate
is clean between us. We've had adisagreement. There's
understanding.
(19:02):
There's forgiveness. Yeah.There's reconciliation. If we
haven't spent a lot of timetogether
Luke (19:09):
Mhmm.
Cameron (19:10):
That we are crew we are even carving out in the in the
middle of the day opportunitiesto connect face to face Mhmm.
Eye to eye conversation, timespent with one another. So when
we come together on that nightand there's any hope for any
intimacy
Luke (19:30):
Right.
Cameron (19:31):
Whatsoever. Right? That we're not having to, like, play
catch up Right. Or cheapeningit. Mhmm.
Cheapening intimacy by justengaging in physical intimacy,
but having no emotional intimacythroughout the week of the day.
Right. And so people are like,well, that's so not spontaneous
(19:55):
and not romantic. And, like, youknow Part
Luke (20:02):
of your week is spontaneous.
Cameron (20:03):
Right. Like, who's
Luke (20:05):
living that life
Cameron (20:05):
with kids? I don't know. But, like job. I don't
know. I think I think romance isintentional Yeah.
Not spontaneous.
Luke (20:17):
Yeah. Well, you can be spontaneous on top of being
intentional.
Cameron (20:22):
Right. Yes. Like Just because you're intentional 2
times a week
Luke (20:26):
Doesn't mean you can't be spontaneous. Right.
Cameron (20:28):
I
Luke (20:29):
mean, like Exactly. I think that's I think that's a
you know, I've heard youdescribe that ritual before, and
I'm like, yeah. That's such agood habit. And right now, you
know, Oxana and I don't have anykids right now, and we're we can
be pretty spontaneous. Mhmm.
Right? And we are. And so that'sthat's a lot of fun. Mhmm. But,
(20:52):
like, when we when things whenlife gets more complicated with
kids, like Mhmm.
We're gonna have to get into aplace where, like, this is the
time. And Mhmm. Like, the thingthat I've heard, the advice that
I've heard is that you need atleast one of those couple bubble
nights. Right? Like a datenight, however you wanna talk
(21:12):
about it.
But then you also need a timeset apart for, like, a family
business, couple business, like,meeting. And, Oxana and I, we're
not, like, we're not perfect onmaking both of those execute all
the time. Mhmm. But we know thatif we don't have, like, a time
to sit down to go over ourschedules, go over our finances,
(21:36):
do all the, like, businessthings. Stuff like, alright.
What's coming up next month? Andwhen are you traveling? And when
is this happening? And what'sgoing if we don't do that at
some point, our date night isjust gonna be all of that. And
you don't want that to be thething.
Like, your date night is notwhen you make your, like,
shuttling plans of the kids nextweek because that's not a whole
(21:59):
lot of fun. Mhmm. Mhmm. So youalmost have to have this, like
you can call it a businessmeeting, family plan meeting,
like, whatever you wanna callit, where you can it's still a
type of connection. Right?
Like, it's a still a way of,like, connecting, caring for one
another, but it's not gonna beyour, like, your fun date night
(22:21):
necessarily. It's but it's justgotta it's got something that's
gonna happen. Otherwise, you'reyou're just going to kinda have
this routine of, like, you getto this place where you're
supposed to be emotionallyconnecting, but your brain can't
shut off because you're like,well, I need you to drive the
(22:42):
kids tomorrow, and I got thisthing and Mhmm. You're 10
gazillion other places.
Cameron (22:48):
Mhmm.
Luke (22:49):
Yeah. Yeah. I think too, like that with that's, like,
kind of the weekly rhythm. But,like, there's other rhythms
that, like, you can build in.Like, you're I'm big on, like,
daily kind of daily kind ofrituals.
Like, how we say goodbye, how wegreet each other. Mhmm. Like, it
(23:11):
was it's like it's a big thing.I try my best that whenever she
comes home, I put down my laptopor whatever I'm doing. I get up
and I go greet her.
Cameron (23:20):
Mhmm.
Luke (23:20):
Because, like, I think that's, like, a really important
thing that
Cameron (23:23):
we do. Yep.
Luke (23:24):
Like, how we greet each other. Yep. You know, good
morning texts, check-in texts,or whatever. Like, those things
too, like, on a daily basis.Sometimes they're really easy
for us to do when we're dating.
Like, you know, like, when we'redating, it was really easy to
say, oh, good morning, you know,and send her a morning text and
(23:45):
a good night text and all that.But then once we got married, it
was like, oh, well, that kindawent away, you know, but like,
we gotta find other ways to havethat same ritual of connection
and greeting. And so that we getthat affirmation both
physically, emotionally, and allof that.
Cameron (24:04):
Yeah.
Luke (24:05):
But then even like, you can do quarterly stay away or a
yearly week away or whatever.Like, there's different patterns
and rituals in the year, theweek, the month that couples can
do to kind of build connectionand retreat and rest with each
other.
Cameron (24:26):
Yeah. And I would encourage couples to make those
to 1, to schedule them and tomake them as regular as humanly
possible. Mhmm. Same day, sametime every week. Yeah.
There is a there is a, and maybesome people would just
(24:50):
absolutely think that this issounds like absolutely horrible.
Right. But the the fact that wewe, so on Friday nights, we
order the same thing from thesame restaurant.
Luke (25:06):
My wife would hate that.
Cameron (25:09):
Every well, I would say virtually every single week. Not
every single week. Sometimeswe're like, oh, do something
different this week. And Yeah.We do.
But for the most part, it's thesame thing. And obviously, we do
the same thing on Sundays. Andthere is a there is comfort, at
least for us, I would say. Maybeit's this is all individual, but
(25:31):
I also think that it takes youknow how it's like, you
sometimes hear the stories abouthow billionaires wear Oh, yeah.
The same outfit every day?
Luke (25:42):
Like, Steve Jobs was, like, kinda famous for me.
Cameron (25:45):
Yeah. Black pants, black shirt. Yeah. Every day.
Yeah.
Because he was like, why would Ispend any bit of my mental
energy picking out my clothes?
Luke (25:53):
Mhmm. Yep. Planning dates can be tiring. Right. If you're
if you're like like, where arewe gonna go eat?
And you or Yeah.
Cameron (26:02):
Everyone's been there.
Luke (26:02):
Everyone's been there. Everyone has been staring at
Netflix. What are we gonnawatch? Yep. Everyone's been
there.
Yeah.
Cameron (26:08):
Or what day are we gonna do it? Or what time are we
gonna do it or whatever? Sothat's why I say that, like, as
much intentionality as you canbuild into it and pattern as you
can build into it Yeah. The moreenergy that you have to actually
connect with the person. Yeah.
There's also a sense of comfortthat comes with the familiarity.
Like, I walk into the samerestaurant every Friday night.
(26:29):
Mhmm. Generally, the same periodof time. See the same people.
Talk to the same people. Yeah.Go through the same pattern.
There's just like the sense of,like, rootedness and and control
over my own schedule. Yeah.
But definitely scheduling thenight or the day or the, you
know, whatever, because soeasier for that to be just
(26:54):
overtaken by a bunch of otherthings.
Luke (26:56):
And if you're, you know, if you wanna break that pattern
of, you know, you're kinda like,I don't know how to like kind of
reinvigorize or kind of dosomething different. Me and my
wife have we were gifted, Ithink, at our wedding. We were
gifted this book of, like,scratch off date nights. Mhmm.
Cameron (27:18):
I
Luke (27:18):
think it was like the couple's adventure challenge or
something like that. And everypage has kinda got, like, all
these different categories ofdates. And they kinda give you a
general sense of, like, whatit's going to be. Like, okay.
You need to travel for this one,or it's gonna take about this
long, or this is a stay at home,or this one's gonna require you
to go buy some resources aheadof time.
(27:38):
Take a quarter, you scrape itoff, and it gives you this date
night. And then one of you canbe in charge of going gathering
it, planning it. And it's it'slike a baked in date night.
Cameron (27:48):
It's super fun.
Luke (27:49):
Super fun. I think one night, we did one where, we had
to draw a comic strip of, like,our of our relationship so far
or something like that. And,like, it was really fun for us
to both try some, stick figures.Mhmm. So it was it was a good
time.
Cameron (28:09):
Yeah. Mhmm. So other ways, maybe more seemingly
nebulous or benign ways is to,like, develop to develop shared
experiences or shared life.Yeah. So these would be things
that are that no longerrepresent us as individuals, but
(28:33):
now represent us as couples.
Yep. As a couple. So it's the ashared or common interest, a
shared or common experience, ashared and common language even.
Yeah. Like, the way in which wetalk to each other and the
phrases that we use and thethings that we only know how
well, like, we only know whatthey mean in talking to them.
(28:59):
Our power strip's falling off.It's okay. But it's stuff like
this where we develop the senseof, like, shared life. Yeah.
Some of that can is just builtwell over time.
There's not really a substitutefor the time that it takes to
(29:20):
develop that shared life.
Luke (29:22):
Mhmm.
Cameron (29:24):
But there are also ways that you can begin to develop
interests as couples that maybeyou didn't have as individuals.
So
Luke (29:34):
Yeah. It's like you have down here, like, you can
develop, like, a shared, like, ashared language. Mhmm. You know?
Me and my wife speak to eachother sometimes in memes.
Yep. So we've got one
Cameron (29:48):
and I speak to each other in office quotes?
Luke (29:50):
Yeah. Right? Yeah. There's just, like, kind of phrases that
will just kinda, like, goofyinside jokes, that will pass
back and forth to kinda describewhat we're going through or
what's happening right now orsomething. And that just creates
a sense of, like, there's aninsider language that's shared
here that's just it's fun.
(30:10):
It's goofy, and it's a way ofjust kind of connecting with one
another. It's an inside joke.Sometimes we say some of those
things. We end up saying them infront of other people, and
they're just like, what's goingon? What's going on?
What are you doing? They're justgetting really they're just like
Yep. You're gonna have toexplain that.
Cameron (30:29):
Yeah. Yep. Yeah. So I don't know. I, like, I don't
know if any of those are helpfulfor any of our listeners or
anything like that, but I cantell you that they have worked
to sustain Yeah.
My marriage. Mhmm. 2 decadesYeah. Couple different moves,
(30:51):
couple different churches,family transitions, difficult
circumstances and situations.And man, if it were not for
those types of consecratedtimes, especially Mhmm.
That I would be, I don't knowthat we, Sherry and I, would
have grown as close to oneanother as we have. So Yeah.
Luke (31:13):
Yep. It is finding those particularly new, I find, like,
new shared things. Mhmm. It'sone thing when I try and bring
along on something that I amalready really passionate about.
But I find that it's best whenI'm like, let's do something
neither of us have done before.
Cameron (31:32):
Yes.
Luke (31:33):
That's like a big one because it's Yep. Showing a
willingness of me to go outsidemy comfort zone. And then with
something that gets to be ourown, and it's not something that
was mine and I brought in. It'ssomething that we do together.
Cameron (31:48):
A shared interest. Shared interests Yeah.
Luke (31:50):
That are built together.
Cameron (31:52):
Mhmm. Yeah. Okay. Well, hopefully, that those little
series of podcast episodeshelpful for, you who are married
or preparing to be married orwanna be married or not just
helpful in general. If you'rewatching on YouTube, you might
(32:14):
recognize that we have a littlebit of a different setup
Luke (32:17):
Yep. Here. We also have fluorescent lights shooting down
on our heads anyway.
Cameron (32:23):
Got some nice lighting. We have, a lot of great ideas.
Some cool lights in thebackground. Anyway, we
appreciate all you who listeningwith us. Thank you all for
sticking with us in our little,I don't know.
It's, like, 5, 6 month hiatusthere.
Luke (32:44):
It was. It was a big big hiatus.
Cameron (32:46):
Yep. But we're back. We're back. And, batch recording
some episodes that we keep themupdating live for you week to
week. So we'll catch you on thenext one.
We model our marriages after those marriages that we
saw most often.
Cameron (00:04):
Mhmm.
Luke (00:05):
If we don't see a lot of positive patterns or pattern
patterns or rituals forconnection Yep. We have a low
stocked library of ways toconnect with our spouse. Welcome
to the uncut podcast. I'm pastorLuke. I'm pastor Cameron.
And this is the uncut podcastwhere we have honest uncut
(00:27):
conversations about faith, life,and ministry. We've spent the
last several episodes talkingabout marriage, and this is kind
of at least the last plannedepisode we have on kinda digging
into some of this topic ofmarriage. Last week, we talked
about, how to, avoid or I shouldsay last episode. So if you're
(00:52):
watching us, we're not justwearing the same clothes.
Cameron (00:55):
We wear the same thing every week.
Luke (00:56):
Every week, every day. No. But last episode, we talked
about patterns to avoid. Andtoday, we wanna talk about
rituals for connection or maybepatterns to pursue would be
another way of saying that, andkind of dive in and kind of
because because I think that wasone of the things that I thought
(01:16):
was really beneficial to hearfrom the marriage conference
when we were at it, was hearingyou, Cliff and Rodney from
Crosspoint Ministries, hearingjust kind of a glimpse into
other people's marriages of someof those rituals, those patterns
of seeking connection andbuilding into a relationship
(01:39):
that I'm like, oh, that's areally neat idea or that's cool.
Maybe we could do somethingsimilar like that.
And just ways to build into therelationship that, we don't
always get to see. You know?Like, we we talked about this in
our, like, first or first coupleepisodes on this. Like, we model
(02:00):
our marriages after thosemarriages that we saw most
often.
Cameron (02:04):
Mhmm.
Luke (02:04):
And so if we don't see a lot of pat positive patterns or
pattern patterns or rituals forconnection Yep. We have a low
stocked library of ways toconnect with our spouse. So
Cameron (02:17):
Yep. Yeah. Agreed. Like, we should be even not just
in the premarital stage or askids, but, like, even as we're
married.
Luke (02:29):
Mhmm.
Cameron (02:30):
I think it's important that we have marriages that we
look at and learn from. Yeah.Mentors. We could do a whole
episode on the spiritual art ofmentorship.
Luke (02:45):
Oh my gosh. Yes. Because it gets done wrong a lot.
Cameron (02:49):
Yeah. I got a lot to say about that. Yeah. Yeah. I've
met with the same man every weekfor the past 17 years.
Luke (03:04):
Wow. Didn't realize it had been that long.
Cameron (03:08):
Yep. Yeah. It was right when I went to my 2nd church. My
second appointment was thatyear.
Luke (03:15):
Mhmm.
Cameron (03:18):
And one of the reasons, one of the reasons actually, the
primary reason he's retired fromministry now. He's a pastor. Has
adult children and grandkids andall that and married. And but
one of the reasons primaryreasons that I was like, I
approached him 1 year at annualconference, and I was like, will
(03:38):
you would you mentor me? Wouldyou be willing to meet with me
on a regular basis?
Mhmm. And we just actually hadthis conversation a couple weeks
ago. He was like, what led youto do that? Mhmm. And and there
was a bunch of reasons, but oneof them was like, well, I
recognized that you were nearingthe end of ministry.
Luke (04:03):
Mhmm.
Cameron (04:04):
Almost ready to retire. And, I mean, he led a, by all
accounts and by alldescriptions, a successful
church, a healthy church Mhmm.Did a good job pastoring.
Luke (04:19):
Yeah.
Cameron (04:22):
But what I was really intrigued with is that his
family was intact.
Luke (04:30):
Mhmm.
Cameron (04:32):
He had a happy and vibrant marriage.
Luke (04:35):
Mhmm.
Cameron (04:36):
All of his kids loved the Lord. Mhmm. We're serving
the Lord in various capacities,not not occupationally Yeah. But
serving the Lord in variouscapacities, had spouses that
believed, had grandkids thatbelieved. Mhmm.
There was obviously a legacy offaith. Yeah. And I was like, if
(04:56):
I get to the end of what will befor me, if I retire at my, you
know, like, no at a normalretirement age, say, 67 years
old, I will have been pastoringfor 45, 46 years Mhmm. At that
point. So if I get through 46years of ministry and my family
(05:21):
is intact and my marriage ishealthy and my kids love the
Lord, don't hate the church,don't hate me.
Yeah. Then I'm like, I don'tcare what I did here in this
building. Mhmm. I don't care. Ifif if that's good, I'm good.
(05:42):
Yep. I'm good. So, mentorship.
Luke (05:48):
Yeah. But we need we need I think that, like, this this
will lead back into ourconversation here. But one of
the things that I think is soimportant is not just advice
from mentors
Cameron (06:02):
Mm-mm.
Luke (06:02):
But an image from mentors. Yep. Like, we need to see people
more than we need to just heartheir, like, 10 best tips for
this or advice on this. There'san intangible quality to just
seeing what they look like, howthey act, how they behave, how
(06:25):
they handle and carrythemselves, that creates an
image for us to model ourselvesafter. That's worth its weight
in gold compared to any list of,you know, hacks, tips, tricks,
best practices.
It's that image.
Cameron (06:42):
Honestly, in 17 years of meeting together, there
hasn't been that many timeswe've been like, what would you
do in this ministry situation,or what would you do with this
particular thing? Or how wouldyou preach this passage or
anything like that? Yeah. It'snot really been like that. We
naturally get into thoseconversations because that's our
both of our primary portion ofour lives, but it has is mostly
(07:04):
just been about, like, life onlife.
Mhmm. A role model. Yeah. Youknow? He's bought Christmas
gifts for my kids, and, like,it's just Yeah.
Luke (07:16):
So But we need that for our marriages too.
Cameron (07:18):
That for our marriages.
Luke (07:19):
Because Mhmm. We need an image of what a healthy marriage
looks like sometimes
Cameron (07:25):
Mhmm.
Luke (07:25):
Or a way to kind of steer and grow our relationship if we
don't feel like we have a reallybig bag of tools or we just just
don't even know what it lookslike. We're just kind of we've
got one image in our head, andthere's some good things about
that image, and there's some badthings. And we just wanna Mhmm.
Have some other ways to kindadirect and build our
relationship.
Cameron (07:46):
Mhmm. Yeah. So when we talk about then patterns of
connection Mhmm. In marriage orcreating, however you wanna call
it. I don't know what you want.
You you had a good descriptionof it in the intro, but creating
patterns of of connection withone another. Mhmm. I I I I think
(08:09):
that starting at the most baselevel of creating those patterns
is a mindset from both partnersor both parties in the marriage.
Yep. A mindset that says, thisis the most important human
relationship Yep.
That we have. Yep. Period. Mhmm.Bar none.
(08:33):
Without question, there is noother relationship that is more
important. Yep. Not with myparents, not with my friends,
not with my siblings, not withmy kids Yep. Not with my
coworkers Yep. Not with mydreams, not with my, ambitions
(08:54):
Mhmm.
You know, not with anythingelse. My relationship with my
spouse is the most importantrelationship human relationship
that I have.
Luke (09:02):
Uh-huh.
Cameron (09:03):
Because if you don't start there,
Luke (09:08):
you you'll be in trouble. But and and so that the the
phrase that's most I don't knowif it's most often. I think it
might be the most often, like,description of marriage in the
bible is this is why, a husbandshould leave his family Mhmm. Or
and be with his wife so that 2shall become one flesh. Mhmm.
Right? That said Cleave. Cleave.Right? Leave and cleave.
(09:31):
Mhmm. There is a separation.There's there's a loss that
happens at a at a at a marriage.The family loses Yep. Their
children and a new family isborn.
And this is so important. Iremember the way I think about
this, this phrase has stuck withme from this book I read. I
(09:51):
think it was wired for dating,And there's maybe a companion
book that's wired for marriage,or wired for connection. It's
some sort of title like that. Ican't remember the author.
But he described he's like, thisis one of the most important
things you gotta get in yourmarriage. Right? You have to
have a couple bubble.
Cameron (10:11):
Mhmm.
Luke (10:11):
You have to have this bubble of safety that nobody
comes inside the bubble Mhmm.With me and my wife, me and my
husband, whatever. And the oneof the ways that this always
like, the classic, the sitcom,the stereotypical way that this
happens is with mother in laws.
Cameron (10:30):
Mhmm.
Luke (10:31):
Like, you know, like, just just think of Everybody Loves
Raymond or whatever sitcom from,like, then at that time period.
Like, the mother-in-law livesacross the street and comes over
all the time, and that is thesource of all the conflict in
the show. Right? Because thehusband won't leave won't leave
(10:54):
the family. Don't won't leavethe responsibility.
And the wife is always leftguessing
Cameron (11:00):
Who's more important?
Luke (11:01):
Who's more important, mom or me? Mhmm. That's the
stereotypical example. But thatcan happen with kids like we're
talking about in last episode,job, and can talk to just about
anything. And that moment when aspouse doesn't feel that safety
that, like, they're gonna pickme no matter what.
Mhmm. Even if I'm, like, even ifI'm kind of wrong, are they
(11:26):
still gonna back me up? Mhmm.Like, that's a really important
amount of safety andprioritization that's, like,
important in, like, a marriage.So that's how I always think
about it in my head is I'malways saying, like, alright.
Couple bubble. Like because it'skinda fun to say. But Yeah.
Cameron (11:44):
No. It's a great example, and it's very, very
true. And that's exactly whatwe're talking about is that
there has to be a mindset thatthe bubble can't be popped. Yep.
The bubble can't be infiltrated.
Luke (11:57):
Mhmm.
Cameron (11:58):
Like, this is it. That if you're not prepared for that
if you're not prepared for thatgoing into your marriage, it can
be hard that can be a hardreality to accept. Yep.
Especially with families withreally clo close family dynamics
and closed family systems.
Luke (12:16):
Yeah.
Cameron (12:19):
That is can be one of the most significant problem
areas for couples who experiencedifficulty is when they're
unwilling to make their spousethe most important human
relationship that they have.Yeah. So the very first thing,
is, is a mindset to say, thatthis is the most important
(12:43):
relationship that I have. Andbecause it's the most important
relationship that I have, I'mgoing to order my life
accordingly
Luke (12:53):
Mhmm.
Cameron (12:54):
So that we don't just walk, you know, that we're not
that we you know, we may bewalking side by side in, like,
kind of a parallel way, but,like, that we're actually
creating connections, we do so.Yeah. Yeah. So say one of the
(13:14):
things about creating rituals ofconnection is, is deciding on
and determining on at least I Iuse the the I I use it kind of
arbitrarily, but it's the wordthat it's the it's the kind of,
like, time based world that welive in. So I'll just say once a
(13:36):
week.
K? Once a week that there is aconsecrated time of we'll use
we'll use the term. There's aconsecrated time of couple
bubble. Bubble bubble is notit's not infiltrated
Luke (13:57):
Right.
Cameron (13:58):
Or popped Mhmm. Or taken off or whatever. Yep. But,
by anything or anyone Yeah.Else.
So a a consecrated time.Consecration means to set
something apart
Luke (14:11):
Mhmm.
Cameron (14:12):
From the whole. Yep. So that would mean, like, you know,
for Sherry and I, as a forinstance, I talked a little bit
about this at the at themarriage conference. Because the
nature of our life, the natureof our family, and the nature of
our schedule, We have 2consecrated times per week.
Luke (14:38):
Mhmm.
Cameron (14:39):
Friday nights and Sunday nights.
Luke (14:41):
Yep.
Cameron (14:44):
Now there's a couple reasons that we chose those
times and chose it like we did.The first is we chose Friday
nights and Sunday nights becauseFriday is my day off typically.
And at the end of a Fridaynight, I'm more relaxed. Yep.
We've probably spent a goodportion of the day together.
(15:06):
Mhmm. I'm not I'm not burnt outfrom a day of work. Yep. I don't
have to get up early.
Luke (15:16):
Mhmm.
Cameron (15:17):
In the morning. Yep. You know? So we can stay up
later. And then, so Friday nightand then Sunday night.
Luke (15:25):
Mhmm.
Cameron (15:26):
The, you know, the kind of the biggest day of my week is
done. Maybe I've taken a nap inthe afternoon to recover from
preaching and or leading. Youknow, the whole family has been
home, so we've gotten reallygood family time together. Yep.
And so then now it's time toreconnect with one another Mhmm.
(15:51):
Individually. And just becauseof the nature of our family and
because we have difficult timewith, you know, always securing
babysitters or whatever,
Luke (16:04):
you know You mean it's hard to get a babysitter for,
like, 5 kids?
Cameron (16:07):
It is very hard. It is very hard. Yep. Especially once
a week.
Luke (16:16):
Oh, yeah.
Cameron (16:17):
Super hard. Mhmm. So we just say, like, okay. On those
two nights, we we don't have wedon't sit down for dinner with
the kids. Yeah.
Well, obviously, the kids getdinner and all that. But on
Friday nights Saturday nights,we or Sunday nights. I'm sorry.
(16:39):
They get their own dinner. We dothe whole bedtime routine and
and stuff.
Sunday night, we might put themto bed just a little bit earlier
than normal. They got school thenext day, you know, etcetera.
And then we have specific thingsthat we do on Friday and
specific things that we do onSunday. Like on Friday night, we
always get takeout. Yeah.
(16:59):
The 2 of us. So we'll call arestaurant, we'll order takeout.
I'll go pick it up, bring ithome. It's like picnic on top of
the bed. Yeah.
Watch whatever Netflix showwe're currently watching or
whatever. We'll eat our dinner.We'll spend that time just
consecrated, set apart, just the2 of us at home date. Sunday,
(17:23):
we've got a family tradition ofit's kinda the same thing, but
we kinda have a family traditionof, eating, popcorn, cheese,
apples, pepperoni, crackers.
Luke (17:34):
Like, the greatest charcuterie board you can put
together?
Cameron (17:37):
Right. Yeah. On Sunday night. Kids eat it. Mhmm.
We eat it. So kids get their ownfor dinner, and then we get our
own, after the kids go to bed.And so, and it has just been for
us what we have always done.Mhmm. But what it what it has
(18:00):
done is it has ritualized theprioritization of one another.
Yep. And it has given ussomething to be anticipating
Yep. And looking forward to
Luke (18:16):
Mhmm.
Cameron (18:16):
And also building into. So, like, there's there's kind
of nothing worse than spendingquiet time with a person that
you've ignored all day. Yeah.Mhmm. Or that you are You've
Luke (18:40):
been not been present with at all during the
Cameron (18:41):
week. Or you're or you're arguing with. Yeah. Mhmm.
Or whatever.
And so knowing that Friday nightis coming Mhmm. We're both
proactively looking for Yeah. Tomake sure that we are the slate
is clean between us. We've had adisagreement. There's
understanding.
(19:02):
There's forgiveness. Yeah.There's reconciliation. If we
haven't spent a lot of timetogether
Luke (19:09):
Mhmm.
Cameron (19:10):
That we are crew we are even carving out in the in the
middle of the day opportunitiesto connect face to face Mhmm.
Eye to eye conversation, timespent with one another. So when
we come together on that nightand there's any hope for any
intimacy
Luke (19:30):
Right.
Cameron (19:31):
Whatsoever. Right? That we're not having to, like, play
catch up Right. Or cheapeningit. Mhmm.
Cheapening intimacy by justengaging in physical intimacy,
but having no emotional intimacythroughout the week of the day.
Right. And so people are like,well, that's so not spontaneous
(19:55):
and not romantic. And, like, youknow Part
Luke (20:02):
of your week is spontaneous.
Cameron (20:03):
Right. Like, who's
Luke (20:05):
living that life
Cameron (20:05):
with kids? I don't know. But, like job. I don't
know. I think I think romance isintentional Yeah.
Not spontaneous.
Luke (20:17):
Yeah. Well, you can be spontaneous on top of being
intentional.
Cameron (20:22):
Right. Yes. Like Just because you're intentional 2
times a week
Luke (20:26):
Doesn't mean you can't be spontaneous. Right.
Cameron (20:28):
I
Luke (20:29):
mean, like Exactly. I think that's I think that's a
you know, I've heard youdescribe that ritual before, and
I'm like, yeah. That's such agood habit. And right now, you
know, Oxana and I don't have anykids right now, and we're we can
be pretty spontaneous. Mhmm.
Right? And we are. And so that'sthat's a lot of fun. Mhmm. But,
(20:52):
like, when we when things whenlife gets more complicated with
kids, like Mhmm.
We're gonna have to get into aplace where, like, this is the
time. And Mhmm. Like, the thingthat I've heard, the advice that
I've heard is that you need atleast one of those couple bubble
nights. Right? Like a datenight, however you wanna talk
(21:12):
about it.
But then you also need a timeset apart for, like, a family
business, couple business, like,meeting. And, Oxana and I, we're
not, like, we're not perfect onmaking both of those execute all
the time. Mhmm. But we know thatif we don't have, like, a time
to sit down to go over ourschedules, go over our finances,
(21:36):
do all the, like, businessthings. Stuff like, alright.
What's coming up next month? Andwhen are you traveling? And when
is this happening? And what'sgoing if we don't do that at
some point, our date night isjust gonna be all of that. And
you don't want that to be thething.
Like, your date night is notwhen you make your, like,
shuttling plans of the kids nextweek because that's not a whole
(21:59):
lot of fun. Mhmm. Mhmm. So youalmost have to have this, like
you can call it a businessmeeting, family plan meeting,
like, whatever you wanna callit, where you can it's still a
type of connection. Right?
Like, it's a still a way of,like, connecting, caring for one
another, but it's not gonna beyour, like, your fun date night
(22:21):
necessarily. It's but it's justgotta it's got something that's
gonna happen. Otherwise, you'reyou're just going to kinda have
this routine of, like, you getto this place where you're
supposed to be emotionallyconnecting, but your brain can't
shut off because you're like,well, I need you to drive the
(22:42):
kids tomorrow, and I got thisthing and Mhmm. You're 10
gazillion other places.
Cameron (22:48):
Mhmm.
Luke (22:49):
Yeah. Yeah. I think too, like that with that's, like,
kind of the weekly rhythm. But,like, there's other rhythms
that, like, you can build in.Like, you're I'm big on, like,
daily kind of daily kind ofrituals.
Like, how we say goodbye, how wegreet each other. Mhmm. Like, it
(23:11):
was it's like it's a big thing.I try my best that whenever she
comes home, I put down my laptopor whatever I'm doing. I get up
and I go greet her.
Cameron (23:20):
Mhmm.
Luke (23:20):
Because, like, I think that's, like, a really important
thing that
Cameron (23:23):
we do. Yep.
Luke (23:24):
Like, how we greet each other. Yep. You know, good
morning texts, check-in texts,or whatever. Like, those things
too, like, on a daily basis.Sometimes they're really easy
for us to do when we're dating.
Like, you know, like, when we'redating, it was really easy to
say, oh, good morning, you know,and send her a morning text and
(23:45):
a good night text and all that.But then once we got married, it
was like, oh, well, that kindawent away, you know, but like,
we gotta find other ways to havethat same ritual of connection
and greeting. And so that we getthat affirmation both
physically, emotionally, and allof that.
Cameron (24:04):
Yeah.
Luke (24:05):
But then even like, you can do quarterly stay away or a
yearly week away or whatever.Like, there's different patterns
and rituals in the year, theweek, the month that couples can
do to kind of build connectionand retreat and rest with each
other.
Cameron (24:26):
Yeah. And I would encourage couples to make those
to 1, to schedule them and tomake them as regular as humanly
possible. Mhmm. Same day, sametime every week. Yeah.
There is a there is a, and maybesome people would just
(24:50):
absolutely think that this issounds like absolutely horrible.
Right. But the the fact that wewe, so on Friday nights, we
order the same thing from thesame restaurant.
Luke (25:06):
My wife would hate that.
Cameron (25:09):
Every well, I would say virtually every single week. Not
every single week. Sometimeswe're like, oh, do something
different this week. And Yeah.We do.
But for the most part, it's thesame thing. And obviously, we do
the same thing on Sundays. Andthere is a there is comfort, at
least for us, I would say. Maybeit's this is all individual, but
(25:31):
I also think that it takes youknow how it's like, you
sometimes hear the stories abouthow billionaires wear Oh, yeah.
The same outfit every day?
Luke (25:42):
Like, Steve Jobs was, like, kinda famous for me.
Cameron (25:45):
Yeah. Black pants, black shirt. Yeah. Every day.
Yeah.
Because he was like, why would Ispend any bit of my mental
energy picking out my clothes?
Luke (25:53):
Mhmm. Yep. Planning dates can be tiring. Right. If you're
if you're like like, where arewe gonna go eat?
And you or Yeah.
Cameron (26:02):
Everyone's been there.
Luke (26:02):
Everyone's been there. Everyone has been staring at
Netflix. What are we gonnawatch? Yep. Everyone's been
there.
Yeah.
Cameron (26:08):
Or what day are we gonna do it? Or what time are we
gonna do it or whatever? Sothat's why I say that, like, as
much intentionality as you canbuild into it and pattern as you
can build into it Yeah. The moreenergy that you have to actually
connect with the person. Yeah.
There's also a sense of comfortthat comes with the familiarity.
Like, I walk into the samerestaurant every Friday night.
(26:29):
Mhmm. Generally, the same periodof time. See the same people.
Talk to the same people. Yeah.Go through the same pattern.
There's just like the sense of,like, rootedness and and control
over my own schedule. Yeah.
But definitely scheduling thenight or the day or the, you
know, whatever, because soeasier for that to be just
(26:54):
overtaken by a bunch of otherthings.
Luke (26:56):
And if you're, you know, if you wanna break that pattern
of, you know, you're kinda like,I don't know how to like kind of
reinvigorize or kind of dosomething different. Me and my
wife have we were gifted, Ithink, at our wedding. We were
gifted this book of, like,scratch off date nights. Mhmm.
Cameron (27:18):
I
Luke (27:18):
think it was like the couple's adventure challenge or
something like that. And everypage has kinda got, like, all
these different categories ofdates. And they kinda give you a
general sense of, like, whatit's going to be. Like, okay.
You need to travel for this one,or it's gonna take about this
long, or this is a stay at home,or this one's gonna require you
to go buy some resources aheadof time.
(27:38):
Take a quarter, you scrape itoff, and it gives you this date
night. And then one of you canbe in charge of going gathering
it, planning it. And it's it'slike a baked in date night.
Cameron (27:48):
It's super fun.
Luke (27:49):
Super fun. I think one night, we did one where, we had
to draw a comic strip of, like,our of our relationship so far
or something like that. And,like, it was really fun for us
to both try some, stick figures.Mhmm. So it was it was a good
time.
Cameron (28:09):
Yeah. Mhmm. So other ways, maybe more seemingly
nebulous or benign ways is to,like, develop to develop shared
experiences or shared life.Yeah. So these would be things
that are that no longerrepresent us as individuals, but
(28:33):
now represent us as couples.
Yep. As a couple. So it's the ashared or common interest, a
shared or common experience, ashared and common language even.
Yeah. Like, the way in which wetalk to each other and the
phrases that we use and thethings that we only know how
well, like, we only know whatthey mean in talking to them.
(28:59):
Our power strip's falling off.It's okay. But it's stuff like
this where we develop the senseof, like, shared life. Yeah.
Some of that can is just builtwell over time.
There's not really a substitutefor the time that it takes to
(29:20):
develop that shared life.
Luke (29:22):
Mhmm.
Cameron (29:24):
But there are also ways that you can begin to develop
interests as couples that maybeyou didn't have as individuals.
So
Luke (29:34):
Yeah. It's like you have down here, like, you can
develop, like, a shared, like, ashared language. Mhmm. You know?
Me and my wife speak to eachother sometimes in memes.
Yep. So we've got one
Cameron (29:48):
and I speak to each other in office quotes?
Luke (29:50):
Yeah. Right? Yeah. There's just, like, kind of phrases that
will just kinda, like, goofyinside jokes, that will pass
back and forth to kinda describewhat we're going through or
what's happening right now orsomething. And that just creates
a sense of, like, there's aninsider language that's shared
here that's just it's fun.
(30:10):
It's goofy, and it's a way ofjust kind of connecting with one
another. It's an inside joke.Sometimes we say some of those
things. We end up saying them infront of other people, and
they're just like, what's goingon? What's going on?
What are you doing? They're justgetting really they're just like
Yep. You're gonna have toexplain that.
Cameron (30:29):
Yeah. Yep. Yeah. So I don't know. I, like, I don't
know if any of those are helpfulfor any of our listeners or
anything like that, but I cantell you that they have worked
to sustain Yeah.
My marriage. Mhmm. 2 decadesYeah. Couple different moves,
(30:51):
couple different churches,family transitions, difficult
circumstances and situations.And man, if it were not for
those types of consecratedtimes, especially Mhmm.
That I would be, I don't knowthat we, Sherry and I, would
have grown as close to oneanother as we have. So Yeah.
Luke (31:13):
Yep. It is finding those particularly new, I find, like,
new shared things. Mhmm. It'sone thing when I try and bring
along on something that I amalready really passionate about.
But I find that it's best whenI'm like, let's do something
neither of us have done before.
Cameron (31:32):
Yes.
Luke (31:33):
That's like a big one because it's Yep. Showing a
willingness of me to go outsidemy comfort zone. And then with
something that gets to be ourown, and it's not something that
was mine and I brought in. It'ssomething that we do together.
Cameron (31:48):
A shared interest. Shared interests Yeah.
Luke (31:50):
That are built together.
Cameron (31:52):
Mhmm. Yeah. Okay. Well, hopefully, that those little
series of podcast episodeshelpful for, you who are married
or preparing to be married orwanna be married or not just
helpful in general. If you'rewatching on YouTube, you might
(32:14):
recognize that we have a littlebit of a different setup
Luke (32:17):
Yep. Here. We also have fluorescent lights shooting down
on our heads anyway.
Cameron (32:23):
Got some nice lighting. We have, a lot of great ideas.
Some cool lights in thebackground. Anyway, we
appreciate all you who listeningwith us. Thank you all for
sticking with us in our little,I don't know.
It's, like, 5, 6 month hiatusthere.
Luke (32:44):
It was. It was a big big hiatus.
Cameron (32:46):
Yep. But we're back. We're back. And, batch recording
some episodes that we keep themupdating live for you week to
week. So we'll catch you on thenext one.
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