September 15, 2025 • 27 mins
Toxic love masquerades as intimacy while systematically dismantling your self-trust and identity until you believe your very survival depends on someone else. This powerful episode exposes the mechanics behind one of the darkest forms of emotional manipulation that often goes unrecognized and unaddressed.
At its core, abusive relationships operate through five devastating tactics: eroding your self-trust with constant criticism, creating financial or practical dependency, weaponizing guilt and loneliness, using intermittent reinforcement (the unpredictable cycle of kindness followed by cruelty), and gradually stealing your identity until you forget who you were before them. When these tactics succeed, leaving feels impossible—not just emotionally, but physically. Your nervous system becomes chemically addicted to the relationship dynamics, creating withdrawal symptoms that feel like you're dying when you try to break free.
What makes this episode uniquely powerful is the practical roadmap to liberation it provides. From establishing boundaries and healing your nervous system to reconnecting with your authentic self and creating daily rituals of self-affirmation, each step is designed to guide you back to wholeness. The episode also addresses crucial but often overlooked aspects of toxic dynamics, including spiritual abuse that uses divine language as a control mechanism and the fact that trauma bonds are chemical—not evidence of weakness or poor judgment.
Whether you've already left a toxic relationship, are contemplating leaving, or are supporting someone who's trapped in this dynamic, this episode offers profound validation and practical tools. Remember: you are not hard to love. That was a false belief installed by someone who needed you to forget your worth. You're not broken—you're becoming. Share this episode with anyone who might be struggling to recognize or escape toxic love, and visit undetectednarcissist.com for additional resources including guided meditation for healing.
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/angelamyerun/
Website: https://www.undetectednarcissist.com
Blog posts: https://undetectednarcissist.com/blog/
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:01):
Welcome to Season 4 of the Undetected Narcissist
Podcast.
Your host, angela Meyer, ishere to bring you clarity if you
are stuck in confusion,self-doubt or feel lost, without
a sense of direction.
This podcast is extremelydifferent because Angela comes
from a place of wisdom,compassion and has been able to
forgive the unforgivable.
(00:22):
She's a mental healthprofessional, trauma-informed
human consciousness guide andempowerment strategist.
She knows one can't truly healand recover when one is stuck in
hate, anger and fear.
One must rise above it, findmeaning, understanding,
compassion for oneself and thetoxic people within our lives.
(00:45):
This season is aboutself-empowerment,
self-realizations andtransformation.
There is always a blog postsupporting this information, so
please visitundetectednarcissistcom so get
ready to learn about yourself,others and find a way to truly
live and thrive.
(01:06):
Once again, enjoy the show.
Speaker 2 (01:09):
Hello everyone and welcome back to another episode
of the Undetected Narcissist.
Today it is the topic the truthabout toxic love, what they
don't tell you.
So sit back, because this onemight be a little intense for a
few people.
Core control manipulation isone of the darkest manipulations
(01:34):
and abusive dynamics and alsoone of the most misunderstood.
So this episode is aboutunfailing what often goes unseen
in toxic or abusive dynamicsand guiding people back into
their power.
So today I'll guide you throughthe step-by-step tools for
dismantling its power, becauseone of the abuser's most potent
(01:58):
weapons is instilling theillusion of dependency emotional
, financial, spiritual and evenyour existence.
They don't want you to just beobedient and obey.
They want to convince you thatyour survival, identity and
(02:18):
future depends on them.
This isn't love.
It's possession masquerading asintimacy.
So here's a quote forreflection If you constantly
have to explain your worth, yourtruth or your pain, you're not
in a relationship.
(02:39):
You're in a negotiation for yoursoul.
So here's how they do it Oneeroding self-trust.
They chip away at yourintuition and decision making by
saying comments like theseYou're overly, you're
overreacting, you're toosensitive, you're always messing
(03:00):
things up.
You're so clumsy.
You can't do anything rightwithout my help.
You talk too much.
You're so ungrateful for allthat I do for you.
You were nothing until I foundyou Pretty harsh.
Right Over time, you startsecond guessing yourself and
maybe begin to believe theirlies.
(03:21):
This makes you more reliant ontheir version of their reality.
The truth is that if someonemakes you feel crazy for
speaking your truth, havingfeelings and setting boundaries,
they are not safe.
Let me repeat this truth theyare not safe to be around.
(03:42):
I don't care how nice theyoccasionally pretend to be to
keep you compliant.
Your thoughts, feelings,opinions and boundaries matter.
When they make you feel crazyfor having a voice, feelings and
boundaries, they are the crazyones.
Not you, not you.
(04:09):
Period Two creating financial orpractical dependency.
This is how they get the upperhand, and it can happen in many
different ways.
Here's some examples Preventingaccess to money, discouraging
or sabotaging work, like sayinglet me take care of you, you
don't need to work, quit yourjob, you have me now to take
care of you.
Next one making significantdecisions without you.
(04:31):
They will claim to know what isbest for you, disregarding your
thoughts and feelings.
Next, they want complete accessand control over your bank
accounts and credit cards.
Next one trying to manage andhandle your accounts because, in
their mind, they can do itbetter than you.
Then they'll isolate you fromresources and people who might
(04:54):
help.
And, lastly, they want you tobecome dependent upon them for
everything, and only they canprovide it.
Why?
Because when you think or feellike you can't leave, they gain
power and they know it.
They hold the purse strings andnow you are dependent upon them
(05:15):
for everything.
This method is intentional anda form of sabotage to prevent
you from ever trying to leavethem.
The truth even if you must gowithout nothing but your soul,
that is still everything.
Resources can be rebuilt.
(05:37):
Your dignity cannot be bought.
Number three weaponizingloneliness or guilt.
This form of control andmanipulation can be soul
crushing.
It ties into the identityerosion by eroding your
self-worth, your self-esteem andpurpose in life.
(05:58):
It can feel like a slow deathbecause some people might
believe their lies.
So they will make comments likethese to plunge you into
feeling shame and guilt.
Here's what they say.
No one else would love you likeI do.
Our kids are going to hate youfor destroying this family.
(06:18):
It's all your fault.
If you leave, you'll regret it.
After all, I've done for you.
You're so ungrateful.
You're abandoning me.
You're heartless.
You are destroying ourchildren's lives.
If you end this marriage,nobody would want someone like
you.
And lastly, you can't walk outon me.
I created you and I can destroyyou.
(06:41):
This guilt binds theempatheticetic, heart-centered
person into self-abandonment topreserve the illusion of
connection.
The truth guilt is not love.
Guilt is how they train you tobetray yourself for them.
(07:03):
Number four intermittentreinforcement.
We talked about that last week.
The hot cold behaviors.
Just like the slot machine.
They give you a win, justenough to keep you hooked.
There are a sudden apologies.
There's a beautiful date.
Sudden apologies.
There's a beautiful date.
(07:23):
Just days after cruelty,there's a promise to change.
This is psychological warfare.
Your brain releases dopamineand those rare moments of quote
good and you start chasing thehigh, believing love is on the
other side of endurance.
(07:44):
Love is on the other side ofendurance.
The truth If someone only showskindness when they fear losing
control, it's not love, it'sstrategy.
Five stealing your identity.
They mold your world so tightaround theirs that you forget
who you were before.
(08:04):
You stop doing what you love.
You lose touch with friends,your personal goals, your dreams
.
You define yourself throughtheir moods.
You don't just lose them.
You feel like you lose you thetruth.
You are still there.
Lose you the truth.
You are still there, bruisedmaybe, but unbroken.
(08:27):
You existed before them and youwill thrive after them.
If you're listening to this, itmeans you're waking up.
Maybe you've left, perhapsyou're still in it, or maybe
you're hovering on the edge,wondering if you're strong
enough to go.
Let this podcast be a mirror, amap and a promise.
(08:51):
You are not alone and you arenot broken.
Trauma bonds are not aboutweakness.
They are about survival.
But you're not here to surviveanymore.
You're here to live.
So let me answer a questioneveryone struggles with.
When they try to leave theirabuses partner, why does it feel
(09:15):
like you're dying?
You die without them.
Why?
The answer?
This is where the nervoussystem gets involved.
Trauma bonds mimic addiction.
The cycle of abuse activatesthe same survival responses as
physical danger.
So when you try to leave, yourbody goes into withdrawals.
(09:38):
You have anxiety spikes, theabsence feels like death.
But it's not death, it'srebirth pain.
And if you sit with it, breathethrough it and don't go back,
that storm will pass.
And what rises in its place isyou, whole, wise, unshakable.
(10:01):
That is why I say the first twoweeks are the hardest.
You are detoxing, the nervoussystem is fried and is learning
to recalibrate to a calmer, morepeaceful environment, because
it had been on a 24-7 rollercoaster ride.
For what?
Weeks, months, years, decades.
(10:21):
If you talk to anyone who is arecovering addict, they will
tell you the same thing.
It was not easy.
Sometimes we relapse, but whenwe finally say enough is enough,
it was so worth it.
You are worth it.
So let's reframe the lies youhave been told.
(10:43):
So let's reframe the lies youhave been told.
These are the lies from theabuser, and how I'm going to do
this is I'm just going to saylie, truth and go back and forth
.
Lie, you're nothing without me.
Truth, I am everything.
(11:05):
I need to begin again.
Lie, no one will ever love youlike I do.
Truth, thank God, I deserve alove that doesn't hurt.
Lie, you'll never survive onyour own Truth.
Watch me Lie, you're toosensitive.
Truth, my feelings are validand wise.
Lie, you're nothing without me.
(11:27):
Truth, I am whole and sovereign.
Lie, no one else will love you.
Truth, I deserve love thatdoesn't hurt.
Lie, you're crazy.
Truth, my intuition is clear.
Your perception is sound.
Lie, you'll never survive onyour own.
(11:48):
Truth.
Watch me rise.
Speak these truths daily, writethem, post them on a mirror.
Etch them into your nervoussystem.
Mirror, etch them into yournervous system.
Here are some red flags.
They're not always dramatic andoften overlooked.
These tactics are usuallysubtle, slow and disguised as
(12:12):
love.
Trust what feels off, even ifyou can't explain it yet.
First one emotional manipulation.
They flip the script so you endup apologizing.
I mean, ask yourself, how oftendoes this happen in our
relationship?
(12:33):
Do I find myself apologizingall the time now?
Do I always fear that I will dosomething wrong or say
something wrong or end upapologizing?
Was I like this in my lastrelationship?
That's a real red flag.
Next one they twist your wordsto make you doubt your memory.
(12:55):
Twisting your words is a formof gaslighting.
That is why standing yourground and repeating exactly
what you said matters.
And most of the time they aredoing this to start a fight or
create drama, making you appearthe abuser, and they are now the
victim.
Next one they punish youemotionally.
(13:16):
When you express needs, they sayso.
Let me give you an example.
Let's say you want to snuggleand watch TV and they become
cold and distant.
Before they loved it and nowyou are just needy and clingy.
You are suffocating them.
This makes you questionyourself and erodes your
(13:37):
identity.
The other one is intermittentreinforcement.
We talked all about this lastweek.
Kindness comes in cycles,followed by coldness or cruelty.
Over time, you live for thegood days, even when they are
rare.
Each day is unpredictable.
You're walking on eggshells,but hope keeps you going, even
(14:00):
when you begin to believe theabuse is justifiable or your
fault, as if you asked for it,you pushed them too far or you
deserved the abuse when you didnot.
Next one is isolation.
They put you away from friends,families and even your passions
(14:20):
away from friends, families andeven your passions.
They need you more.
When they feel you pulling awayfrom them, they guilt trip you
for seeking support from friendsand family members, and even if
you say their relationship isfine, they will guilt trip you
and make you question yourcommitment to them.
Soon your world begins torevolve solely around them their
(14:42):
needs, wants, desires, dreamsand goals Not yours.
Next, dependency you start tofeel like you can't survive
without them.
They control access to yourmoney, housing, children,
transportation, shared animal orother resources.
Your self-worth becomes tied totheir approval.
(15:04):
Lastly, hypervigilance you walkon eggshells to avoid upsetting
them.
Your nervous system is alwayson alert.
You stop being yourself to keepthe peace.
There can be constantsurveillance on how you spend
your money, what you eat, howyou spend your time, who you
(15:26):
talk to, how you raise the kids.
Initially they were reliable,but now you can see through
their fake persona because theyare unreliable and lack
transparency.
Reliable and lack transparency.
So here's the path ofliberation One go no contact or
low contact.
(15:47):
If it's safe, cut allcommunication.
If not, create rigid boundaries.
Use third-party mediation forlogistics like kids assets,
stuff like that, and be sure toblock them or unfollow them and
protect your space.
And I got to share this andit's a little creepy and I know
(16:11):
it just popped up, but Iremember one woman where her
husband actually gave her aframe photo of her and the kids
and it really was a spy cameralike one of those nanny cam
things.
He was watching her all thetime on that and he even had a
tracker on your car.
So if you feel like there'shigh surveillance or things like
(16:34):
that, you might want to bemindful about that and you can
take your car to just a tireplace and tell them hey, I think
there might be a tracker on mycar.
They can find it for you.
Next, one number two nervoussystem healing.
There is breath work, groundingexercises, cold water, gentle
(16:56):
movement helps to repair yourdamaged nervous system.
You can try EFT, emotionalfreedom technique, the tapping
somatic therapy or EMDR ifpossible.
Let your body unlearn the chaos.
This takes time, so be patientwith yourself and others.
(17:16):
Now remember your body will gothrough withdrawals, because
this was an addictiverelationship.
You will have highs and lows,anxiety spikes and roller
coaster emotions.
Learn to ride the waves.
It's only temporary.
Number three reconnect with theself.
(17:38):
Ask yourself what did I lovebefore I was trained to shrink?
To reconnect with your soul,consider reclaiming your passion
or hobbies.
Think of them as lost ritualsthat fed your soul.
Reclaim lost rituals likeplaying music, exercise, art,
(18:00):
animals, dancing, gardening andeven spending time in nature.
Let solitude become sanctuary,not punishment.
Four you grieve the illusion.
This one's really important.
What you mourn is the dream,not the person.
(18:22):
That is what you are trulymourning, the happily ever after
dream they painted for you.
Your nervous system and braingot abused, so the absence will
feel like a mini death.
Remember this fact.
It is only temporary.
Remember this fact.
It is only temporary and if ithelps, consider writing a letter
(18:44):
to your past self and thenburning it in a ceremony, vowing
never to abandon or sacrificeyourself again.
And if you need to release anysadness, disappointment or anger
, then cry, scream and releaseit.
Then breathe.
You are still here.
(19:06):
Number five surround yourselfwith truth.
Community, not isolation, isyour medicine.
Find people, even just one, whoreflect your light.
Join a support group, eitheronline or in person.
Speak your truth, but bemindful of trauma dumping.
And number six anchor a dailyritual.
(19:30):
Creating a daily ritual isvital.
You can post a morningaffirmation on a mirror by
saying I am my own safety.
You could journal, journal onething you reclaim each day and
end your day with this, thiscomment I do not belong to pain,
(19:52):
I belong to peace.
Now I have on the blog postsome journal prompts coming home
to yourself.
Now, these are some really goodquestions to ask yourself, like,
for example, what was I taughtlove should feel like and what
do I now know it shouldn't feellike?
(20:13):
What part of me did I have tohide, shrink or silence in that
relationship?
What are the lies Iinternalized from the abuse?
What is the truth I choose now.
If my inner child could speak,what would they need?
To feel safe again?
(20:33):
What does real peace feel likein my body?
When was the last time I feltit in my body?
When was the last time I feltit?
What am I ready to releasewithout guilt, without apology
and, lastly, what am Ireclaiming today?
Closing Thoughts you are theone who got away.
(20:57):
1.
Abuse doesn't always look likeviolence.
Many people are still lookingfor bruises, but missing the
wounds to the soul.
Emotional, psychological andspiritual abuse often leaves no
visible scars, but they erode aperson's identity, intuition and
self-worth just as violently.
(21:19):
Vital message if someoneconstantly makes you doubt your
value, reality or voice, it isabuse.
You must stop ranking traumaand start recognizing
manipulation in all its forms.
Pain without bruises is stillpain and deeply valid.
(21:41):
2.
Spiritual abuse is real andunderexposed.
In awakening or healingcommunities, some abusers cloak
control in divine language suchas you're not healed enough to
leave.
This is your karma.
I'm your twin flame, you'rejust running.
(22:04):
You're not evolved enough.
You manifested this.
All these sick and twistedstatements are a form of
spiritual gaslighting.
These forms of spirituallanguage become a cage and
create confusion, shame andspiritual disorientation.
(22:24):
It makes the abused questiontheir path, not just their
relationship.
Vital message no true spiritualpath will ask you to abandon
your soul to prove your love.
Manipulation in sacred languageis still manipulation.
Real love never asks you tobypass your pain spiritually.
(22:49):
Spiritual alignment neverrequires self-abandonment.
Number three the nervous systemgets addicted to the chaos.
I really want everyone tounderstand this concept because
it is one of the leastunderstood truths.
Trauma bonds are chemical,understood truths.
(23:15):
Trauma bonds are chemical.
The body becomes conditioned toequate intensity with love,
danger with passion.
This is why leaving feels likewithdrawal and why calm, safe
love often feels boring or offat first.
Vital message healing includesretraining your body to
recognize peace as safety, notdanger.
(23:37):
Until this happens, manyunknowingly seek out new
versions of the same old wound.
Number four the abuser isn'talways a monster, but that
doesn't make them safe.
Many abusers aren't evilcaricatures.
They may be wounded, charming,broken or even loving at times,
(24:04):
but this inconsistency is whatmakes it so dangerous.
Victims get stuck in the cycleof hope.
They didn't mean it, they'retrying, they're not all bad.
Here's the vital messageCompassion for their wounds
(24:25):
doesn't mean tolerating theirharm.
Someone can be hurting butstill be harmful, even if
someone is 20% good to you andthe other 80% is breaking you.
That's not love.
We got to stop making excusesfor them by saying they didn't
(24:46):
mean it, they're trying, they'renot all bad.
It still is not love, it'sabuse.
Number five healing requiresrewriting the inner narrative,
not just changing partners.
Leaving the abuser is not thefinal step.
It's the beginning, unless wedo the internal healing.
(25:10):
That's why I say we all need togo within.
We recreate the pattern in thenext relationship.
We stay guarded, disconnectedand hyper-independent.
And the sad truth is we livefrom survival, not sovereignty.
Vital message the deepesthealing is not sovereignty.
(25:32):
Vital message the deepesthealing is not about fixing the
past but about choosing a newstory in the now, one where love
doesn't cost you yourself.
And the last one, number sixthe abuser doesn't win when you
leave.
You win when you love yourselfenough to go.
(25:56):
There's often guilt, shame andfear of being selfish when
survivors finally walk away, butthe truth is, choosing yourself
is not betrayal.
It is the most profound loyaltyto your soul.
And here's the vital messageyou are not the villain for
(26:17):
leaving a story that was killingyour spirit.
You are the author of whatcomes next.
Here's a good mantra I don'tjust walk away from pain, I walk
towards peace.
Every time you choose truth overfear, every time you question
(26:40):
their narrative, every time youdreamed of freedom, you were
already reclaiming yourself.
You are not a victim.
You are a phoenix rising fromthe ashes that they tried to
extinguish.
You will not only survive, youwill become a lighthouse for
(27:02):
others.
That's so fantastic.
This guide is not just for now.
It is for whenever the old liescome creeping into your mind
and try to derail you.
Keep it close and rememberyou're not hard to love.
That was a false belief.
(27:22):
You were loving someone whomade you forget your worth.
That is why you are not broken.
You are becoming and you neverhave to become unfeeling to
become free.
So, like always, I created aguided meditation for reclaiming
peace after toxic love.
If any of this informationspeaks to you and or you know
(27:45):
someone who might be in a toxicrelationship and need support,
please share.
Until next time and love andlight.
Angela Meyer, keri Logan Bye.
Welcome to Season 4 of the Undetected Narcissist
Podcast.
Your host, angela Meyer, ishere to bring you clarity if you
are stuck in confusion,self-doubt or feel lost, without
a sense of direction.
This podcast is extremelydifferent because Angela comes
from a place of wisdom,compassion and has been able to
forgive the unforgivable.
(00:22):
She's a mental healthprofessional, trauma-informed
human consciousness guide andempowerment strategist.
She knows one can't truly healand recover when one is stuck in
hate, anger and fear.
One must rise above it, findmeaning, understanding,
compassion for oneself and thetoxic people within our lives.
(00:45):
This season is aboutself-empowerment,
self-realizations andtransformation.
There is always a blog postsupporting this information, so
please visitundetectednarcissistcom so get
ready to learn about yourself,others and find a way to truly
live and thrive.
(01:06):
Once again, enjoy the show.
Speaker 2 (01:09):
Hello everyone and welcome back to another episode
of the Undetected Narcissist.
Today it is the topic the truthabout toxic love, what they
don't tell you.
So sit back, because this onemight be a little intense for a
few people.
Core control manipulation isone of the darkest manipulations
(01:34):
and abusive dynamics and alsoone of the most misunderstood.
So this episode is aboutunfailing what often goes unseen
in toxic or abusive dynamicsand guiding people back into
their power.
So today I'll guide you throughthe step-by-step tools for
dismantling its power, becauseone of the abuser's most potent
(01:58):
weapons is instilling theillusion of dependency emotional
, financial, spiritual and evenyour existence.
They don't want you to just beobedient and obey.
They want to convince you thatyour survival, identity and
(02:18):
future depends on them.
This isn't love.
It's possession masquerading asintimacy.
So here's a quote forreflection If you constantly
have to explain your worth, yourtruth or your pain, you're not
in a relationship.
(02:39):
You're in a negotiation for yoursoul.
So here's how they do it Oneeroding self-trust.
They chip away at yourintuition and decision making by
saying comments like theseYou're overly, you're
overreacting, you're toosensitive, you're always messing
(03:00):
things up.
You're so clumsy.
You can't do anything rightwithout my help.
You talk too much.
You're so ungrateful for allthat I do for you.
You were nothing until I foundyou Pretty harsh.
Right Over time, you startsecond guessing yourself and
maybe begin to believe theirlies.
(03:21):
This makes you more reliant ontheir version of their reality.
The truth is that if someonemakes you feel crazy for
speaking your truth, havingfeelings and setting boundaries,
they are not safe.
Let me repeat this truth theyare not safe to be around.
(03:42):
I don't care how nice theyoccasionally pretend to be to
keep you compliant.
Your thoughts, feelings,opinions and boundaries matter.
When they make you feel crazyfor having a voice, feelings and
boundaries, they are the crazyones.
Not you, not you.
(04:09):
Period Two creating financial orpractical dependency.
This is how they get the upperhand, and it can happen in many
different ways.
Here's some examples Preventingaccess to money, discouraging
or sabotaging work, like sayinglet me take care of you, you
don't need to work, quit yourjob, you have me now to take
care of you.
Next one making significantdecisions without you.
(04:31):
They will claim to know what isbest for you, disregarding your
thoughts and feelings.
Next, they want complete accessand control over your bank
accounts and credit cards.
Next one trying to manage andhandle your accounts because, in
their mind, they can do itbetter than you.
Then they'll isolate you fromresources and people who might
(04:54):
help.
And, lastly, they want you tobecome dependent upon them for
everything, and only they canprovide it.
Why?
Because when you think or feellike you can't leave, they gain
power and they know it.
They hold the purse strings andnow you are dependent upon them
(05:15):
for everything.
This method is intentional anda form of sabotage to prevent
you from ever trying to leavethem.
The truth even if you must gowithout nothing but your soul,
that is still everything.
Resources can be rebuilt.
(05:37):
Your dignity cannot be bought.
Number three weaponizingloneliness or guilt.
This form of control andmanipulation can be soul
crushing.
It ties into the identityerosion by eroding your
self-worth, your self-esteem andpurpose in life.
(05:58):
It can feel like a slow deathbecause some people might
believe their lies.
So they will make comments likethese to plunge you into
feeling shame and guilt.
Here's what they say.
No one else would love you likeI do.
Our kids are going to hate youfor destroying this family.
(06:18):
It's all your fault.
If you leave, you'll regret it.
After all, I've done for you.
You're so ungrateful.
You're abandoning me.
You're heartless.
You are destroying ourchildren's lives.
If you end this marriage,nobody would want someone like
you.
And lastly, you can't walk outon me.
I created you and I can destroyyou.
(06:41):
This guilt binds theempatheticetic, heart-centered
person into self-abandonment topreserve the illusion of
connection.
The truth guilt is not love.
Guilt is how they train you tobetray yourself for them.
(07:03):
Number four intermittentreinforcement.
We talked about that last week.
The hot cold behaviors.
Just like the slot machine.
They give you a win, justenough to keep you hooked.
There are a sudden apologies.
There's a beautiful date.
Sudden apologies.
There's a beautiful date.
(07:23):
Just days after cruelty,there's a promise to change.
This is psychological warfare.
Your brain releases dopamineand those rare moments of quote
good and you start chasing thehigh, believing love is on the
other side of endurance.
(07:44):
Love is on the other side ofendurance.
The truth If someone only showskindness when they fear losing
control, it's not love, it'sstrategy.
Five stealing your identity.
They mold your world so tightaround theirs that you forget
who you were before.
(08:04):
You stop doing what you love.
You lose touch with friends,your personal goals, your dreams
.
You define yourself throughtheir moods.
You don't just lose them.
You feel like you lose you thetruth.
You are still there.
Lose you the truth.
You are still there, bruisedmaybe, but unbroken.
(08:27):
You existed before them and youwill thrive after them.
If you're listening to this, itmeans you're waking up.
Maybe you've left, perhapsyou're still in it, or maybe
you're hovering on the edge,wondering if you're strong
enough to go.
Let this podcast be a mirror, amap and a promise.
(08:51):
You are not alone and you arenot broken.
Trauma bonds are not aboutweakness.
They are about survival.
But you're not here to surviveanymore.
You're here to live.
So let me answer a questioneveryone struggles with.
When they try to leave theirabuses partner, why does it feel
(09:15):
like you're dying?
You die without them.
Why?
The answer?
This is where the nervoussystem gets involved.
Trauma bonds mimic addiction.
The cycle of abuse activatesthe same survival responses as
physical danger.
So when you try to leave, yourbody goes into withdrawals.
(09:38):
You have anxiety spikes, theabsence feels like death.
But it's not death, it'srebirth pain.
And if you sit with it, breathethrough it and don't go back,
that storm will pass.
And what rises in its place isyou, whole, wise, unshakable.
(10:01):
That is why I say the first twoweeks are the hardest.
You are detoxing, the nervoussystem is fried and is learning
to recalibrate to a calmer, morepeaceful environment, because
it had been on a 24-7 rollercoaster ride.
For what?
Weeks, months, years, decades.
(10:21):
If you talk to anyone who is arecovering addict, they will
tell you the same thing.
It was not easy.
Sometimes we relapse, but whenwe finally say enough is enough,
it was so worth it.
You are worth it.
So let's reframe the lies youhave been told.
(10:43):
So let's reframe the lies youhave been told.
These are the lies from theabuser, and how I'm going to do
this is I'm just going to saylie, truth and go back and forth
.
Lie, you're nothing without me.
Truth, I am everything.
(11:05):
I need to begin again.
Lie, no one will ever love youlike I do.
Truth, thank God, I deserve alove that doesn't hurt.
Lie, you'll never survive onyour own Truth.
Watch me Lie, you're toosensitive.
Truth, my feelings are validand wise.
Lie, you're nothing without me.
(11:27):
Truth, I am whole and sovereign.
Lie, no one else will love you.
Truth, I deserve love thatdoesn't hurt.
Lie, you're crazy.
Truth, my intuition is clear.
Your perception is sound.
Lie, you'll never survive onyour own.
(11:48):
Truth.
Watch me rise.
Speak these truths daily, writethem, post them on a mirror.
Etch them into your nervoussystem.
Mirror, etch them into yournervous system.
Here are some red flags.
They're not always dramatic andoften overlooked.
These tactics are usuallysubtle, slow and disguised as
(12:12):
love.
Trust what feels off, even ifyou can't explain it yet.
First one emotional manipulation.
They flip the script so you endup apologizing.
I mean, ask yourself, how oftendoes this happen in our
relationship?
(12:33):
Do I find myself apologizingall the time now?
Do I always fear that I will dosomething wrong or say
something wrong or end upapologizing?
Was I like this in my lastrelationship?
That's a real red flag.
Next one they twist your wordsto make you doubt your memory.
(12:55):
Twisting your words is a formof gaslighting.
That is why standing yourground and repeating exactly
what you said matters.
And most of the time they aredoing this to start a fight or
create drama, making you appearthe abuser, and they are now the
victim.
Next one they punish youemotionally.
(13:16):
When you express needs, they sayso.
Let me give you an example.
Let's say you want to snuggleand watch TV and they become
cold and distant.
Before they loved it and nowyou are just needy and clingy.
You are suffocating them.
This makes you questionyourself and erodes your
(13:37):
identity.
The other one is intermittentreinforcement.
We talked all about this lastweek.
Kindness comes in cycles,followed by coldness or cruelty.
Over time, you live for thegood days, even when they are
rare.
Each day is unpredictable.
You're walking on eggshells,but hope keeps you going, even
(14:00):
when you begin to believe theabuse is justifiable or your
fault, as if you asked for it,you pushed them too far or you
deserved the abuse when you didnot.
Next one is isolation.
They put you away from friends,families and even your passions
(14:20):
away from friends, families andeven your passions.
They need you more.
When they feel you pulling awayfrom them, they guilt trip you
for seeking support from friendsand family members, and even if
you say their relationship isfine, they will guilt trip you
and make you question yourcommitment to them.
Soon your world begins torevolve solely around them their
(14:42):
needs, wants, desires, dreamsand goals Not yours.
Next, dependency you start tofeel like you can't survive
without them.
They control access to yourmoney, housing, children,
transportation, shared animal orother resources.
Your self-worth becomes tied totheir approval.
(15:04):
Lastly, hypervigilance you walkon eggshells to avoid upsetting
them.
Your nervous system is alwayson alert.
You stop being yourself to keepthe peace.
There can be constantsurveillance on how you spend
your money, what you eat, howyou spend your time, who you
(15:26):
talk to, how you raise the kids.
Initially they were reliable,but now you can see through
their fake persona because theyare unreliable and lack
transparency.
Reliable and lack transparency.
So here's the path ofliberation One go no contact or
low contact.
(15:47):
If it's safe, cut allcommunication.
If not, create rigid boundaries.
Use third-party mediation forlogistics like kids assets,
stuff like that, and be sure toblock them or unfollow them and
protect your space.
And I got to share this andit's a little creepy and I know
(16:11):
it just popped up, but Iremember one woman where her
husband actually gave her aframe photo of her and the kids
and it really was a spy cameralike one of those nanny cam
things.
He was watching her all thetime on that and he even had a
tracker on your car.
So if you feel like there'shigh surveillance or things like
(16:34):
that, you might want to bemindful about that and you can
take your car to just a tireplace and tell them hey, I think
there might be a tracker on mycar.
They can find it for you.
Next, one number two nervoussystem healing.
There is breath work, groundingexercises, cold water, gentle
(16:56):
movement helps to repair yourdamaged nervous system.
You can try EFT, emotionalfreedom technique, the tapping
somatic therapy or EMDR ifpossible.
Let your body unlearn the chaos.
This takes time, so be patientwith yourself and others.
(17:16):
Now remember your body will gothrough withdrawals, because
this was an addictiverelationship.
You will have highs and lows,anxiety spikes and roller
coaster emotions.
Learn to ride the waves.
It's only temporary.
Number three reconnect with theself.
(17:38):
Ask yourself what did I lovebefore I was trained to shrink?
To reconnect with your soul,consider reclaiming your passion
or hobbies.
Think of them as lost ritualsthat fed your soul.
Reclaim lost rituals likeplaying music, exercise, art,
(18:00):
animals, dancing, gardening andeven spending time in nature.
Let solitude become sanctuary,not punishment.
Four you grieve the illusion.
This one's really important.
What you mourn is the dream,not the person.
(18:22):
That is what you are trulymourning, the happily ever after
dream they painted for you.
Your nervous system and braingot abused, so the absence will
feel like a mini death.
Remember this fact.
It is only temporary.
Remember this fact.
It is only temporary and if ithelps, consider writing a letter
(18:44):
to your past self and thenburning it in a ceremony, vowing
never to abandon or sacrificeyourself again.
And if you need to release anysadness, disappointment or anger
, then cry, scream and releaseit.
Then breathe.
You are still here.
(19:06):
Number five surround yourselfwith truth.
Community, not isolation, isyour medicine.
Find people, even just one, whoreflect your light.
Join a support group, eitheronline or in person.
Speak your truth, but bemindful of trauma dumping.
And number six anchor a dailyritual.
(19:30):
Creating a daily ritual isvital.
You can post a morningaffirmation on a mirror by
saying I am my own safety.
You could journal, journal onething you reclaim each day and
end your day with this, thiscomment I do not belong to pain,
(19:52):
I belong to peace.
Now I have on the blog postsome journal prompts coming home
to yourself.
Now, these are some really goodquestions to ask yourself, like,
for example, what was I taughtlove should feel like and what
do I now know it shouldn't feellike?
(20:13):
What part of me did I have tohide, shrink or silence in that
relationship?
What are the lies Iinternalized from the abuse?
What is the truth I choose now.
If my inner child could speak,what would they need?
To feel safe again?
(20:33):
What does real peace feel likein my body?
When was the last time I feltit in my body?
When was the last time I feltit?
What am I ready to releasewithout guilt, without apology
and, lastly, what am Ireclaiming today?
Closing Thoughts you are theone who got away.
(20:57):
1.
Abuse doesn't always look likeviolence.
Many people are still lookingfor bruises, but missing the
wounds to the soul.
Emotional, psychological andspiritual abuse often leaves no
visible scars, but they erode aperson's identity, intuition and
self-worth just as violently.
(21:19):
Vital message if someoneconstantly makes you doubt your
value, reality or voice, it isabuse.
You must stop ranking traumaand start recognizing
manipulation in all its forms.
Pain without bruises is stillpain and deeply valid.
(21:41):
2.
Spiritual abuse is real andunderexposed.
In awakening or healingcommunities, some abusers cloak
control in divine language suchas you're not healed enough to
leave.
This is your karma.
I'm your twin flame, you'rejust running.
(22:04):
You're not evolved enough.
You manifested this.
All these sick and twistedstatements are a form of
spiritual gaslighting.
These forms of spirituallanguage become a cage and
create confusion, shame andspiritual disorientation.
(22:24):
It makes the abused questiontheir path, not just their
relationship.
Vital message no true spiritualpath will ask you to abandon
your soul to prove your love.
Manipulation in sacred languageis still manipulation.
Real love never asks you tobypass your pain spiritually.
(22:49):
Spiritual alignment neverrequires self-abandonment.
Number three the nervous systemgets addicted to the chaos.
I really want everyone tounderstand this concept because
it is one of the leastunderstood truths.
Trauma bonds are chemical,understood truths.
(23:15):
Trauma bonds are chemical.
The body becomes conditioned toequate intensity with love,
danger with passion.
This is why leaving feels likewithdrawal and why calm, safe
love often feels boring or offat first.
Vital message healing includesretraining your body to
recognize peace as safety, notdanger.
(23:37):
Until this happens, manyunknowingly seek out new
versions of the same old wound.
Number four the abuser isn'talways a monster, but that
doesn't make them safe.
Many abusers aren't evilcaricatures.
They may be wounded, charming,broken or even loving at times,
(24:04):
but this inconsistency is whatmakes it so dangerous.
Victims get stuck in the cycleof hope.
They didn't mean it, they'retrying, they're not all bad.
Here's the vital messageCompassion for their wounds
(24:25):
doesn't mean tolerating theirharm.
Someone can be hurting butstill be harmful, even if
someone is 20% good to you andthe other 80% is breaking you.
That's not love.
We got to stop making excusesfor them by saying they didn't
(24:46):
mean it, they're trying, they'renot all bad.
It still is not love, it'sabuse.
Number five healing requiresrewriting the inner narrative,
not just changing partners.
Leaving the abuser is not thefinal step.
It's the beginning, unless wedo the internal healing.
(25:10):
That's why I say we all need togo within.
We recreate the pattern in thenext relationship.
We stay guarded, disconnectedand hyper-independent.
And the sad truth is we livefrom survival, not sovereignty.
Vital message the deepesthealing is not sovereignty.
(25:32):
Vital message the deepesthealing is not about fixing the
past but about choosing a newstory in the now, one where love
doesn't cost you yourself.
And the last one, number sixthe abuser doesn't win when you
leave.
You win when you love yourselfenough to go.
(25:56):
There's often guilt, shame andfear of being selfish when
survivors finally walk away, butthe truth is, choosing yourself
is not betrayal.
It is the most profound loyaltyto your soul.
And here's the vital messageyou are not the villain for
(26:17):
leaving a story that was killingyour spirit.
You are the author of whatcomes next.
Here's a good mantra I don'tjust walk away from pain, I walk
towards peace.
Every time you choose truth overfear, every time you question
(26:40):
their narrative, every time youdreamed of freedom, you were
already reclaiming yourself.
You are not a victim.
You are a phoenix rising fromthe ashes that they tried to
extinguish.
You will not only survive, youwill become a lighthouse for
(27:02):
others.
That's so fantastic.
This guide is not just for now.
It is for whenever the old liescome creeping into your mind
and try to derail you.
Keep it close and rememberyou're not hard to love.
That was a false belief.
(27:22):
You were loving someone whomade you forget your worth.
That is why you are not broken.
You are becoming and you neverhave to become unfeeling to
become free.
So, like always, I created aguided meditation for reclaiming
peace after toxic love.
If any of this informationspeaks to you and or you know
(27:45):
someone who might be in a toxicrelationship and need support,
please share.
Until next time and love andlight.
Angela Meyer, keri Logan Bye.
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