245. God Grief & Grace

Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:02):
Well, hello folks, and welcome to another edition of the
Firmamental Podcast with your boys Adrian and Raoul. Adrian go
ahead and say what's up to the Firmamentalist.

Speaker 2 (00:11):
What's up y'all? Hope, y'all locked in? Ready to go?
You know how we do it. Let's go.

Speaker 1 (00:17):
Yeah. So, before we get into it today, I just
want to remind you guys, make sure that you are
rating the show. If you don't know how to do that,
you got to listen to an episode and then you
hit the follow button. You hit the little bell and
there will be three little dots next to it. You
click on that, it'll give you an option to give
this show a rating. I asked for five stars, but
if you feel we're not worth five stars, put out

(00:37):
whatever you feel, but make sure you do that. It
helps build the numbers, helps get us back into the stream.
If you like an episode or you're touched by an episode,
make sure you share it with a loved one, a friend,
a co worker. Put it out there. Let's get this
message out to people and let's glorify our heavenly father,
Jesus Christ. I wanted to give a shout out to
my boy skip your Aridditis. I know he's been on

(01:02):
I have a returning guest today that I can't wait
to introduce you guys. But I know this individual, Skipio,
He's been on our guest show as well. And I
got my signed copy of his new book, The Empire
of Lies, So go check out Skipio Eerditis from Dispatches
from Reality. That's my boy right there. Awesome book. Thank
you man, Thank you for the sign copy. Much love brother. Also,

(01:25):
I think that's pretty much it, man. I just wanted
to remind you guys. Man, we need you guys to
bump these numbers back up. Doing this stuff with no
social media promotion right now. Just trust in God to
grow the harvest. But Adrian, you got anything else you
want to add before I get into today's special guest.

Speaker 2 (01:41):
No, No, I think we're good. I mean, I'm just
excited for another episode. We've been hammering them away and
you know, I was gonna my son got a fever
last night and then things been kind of crazy around here,
and I was like, I don't know, man, but it's
like keep the momentum going. We're excited to have our
guest here today, Heidi, and I think it's going to
be a great one. I know it will, and I'm excited.

Speaker 3 (02:02):
Man.

Speaker 2 (02:02):
I had a great church service today. Son's kind of
doing better. He's up and down, but you know kids
are They're great one minute and they gas out then
they got taken na. But I'm excited, man, So let's
go lock in.

Speaker 1 (02:15):
Yeah, I had an awesome service today as well. So
kind of what inspired the opening for the show. And
I'm gonna open it up with a little something. I
had an idea today. We're going to do something a
little different, well not really different, because we like the
freestyle here on Fundamental Podcast. We like to come unscripted
and just speak from the heart because I think people

(02:36):
genuinely feel when it's the real deal. And we got
a real deal host of another show today. So I
was going to share something with you guys, and it's
the principle of giving God your first fruit. You know,
too often we give God what's left over, our leftover time,
our leftover energy, our leftover resource resources. But the world

(02:57):
tells us that true blessings when we honor Him with
our first and best. In Second Corinthians, Verse chapter nine,
verses six through eight, all rights. But this I say
he who sows sparingly will also reap sparingly, and he
who sows beautifully will also reap bountifully. So let each

(03:18):
one give as he purposes in his heart, not grudgingly
or out of necessity. For God loves a cheerful giver,
and God is able to make all grace a bound
towards you, that you, always having all sufficiency in all things,
may have an abundance for every good work. See that's

(03:39):
the heart right there. When we give God our first fruits,
not out of guilt, but out of gratitude, he pours
back into our lives in ways we could never imagine.
It's not about money alone. It's about trust and obedience
and worship. So in this episode today, guys, I want
to get into really what it really means to give
God your first and your best, and doing soa can

(04:00):
unlock supernatural provision, peace and purpose in your walk with Christ.
And with no further ado, guys, you know today I'm firmamental.
We welcome back a powerhouse of truth. She's bold, she's unafraid,
she's on fire for Jesus. She's breaking chains, speaking truth
and helping people rise up above the lies. You guys,
the lives of this world. She's the real deal. She's raw,

(04:23):
and she's ready to rise. Firm family give a huge
round of applause for the host of the Unfiltered Rise podcast,
the One the Only id Love welcome back.

Speaker 4 (04:35):
Thank you so much for that awesome introduction. I appreciate you, guys.
I'm excited to be here. I love you know, the
ones that we do. You know, I have to talk
about dark stuff sometimes because that's my calling. But I
love when it's not and I love when I get
to be sharpened. You know, iron sharpens iron. And it's
been two days in a row for me, so that's

(04:56):
been awesome because I need that and so I'm so
happy for that. I think that's exactly what it'll be today.

Speaker 1 (05:10):
Hun John Most And you know, I have been, for
the first time in my life, tithing ten percent of
my income, not always completely to the church. Sometimes it's
you know, tithing to other podcasters that I believe in,
other Christian content creators, or even I've been pulling some cash.
I usually don't carry cash, but lately I've been pulling

(05:30):
cash out of the bank and carrying some cash on me.
And when I feel the Holy Spirit moving me to
like give to somebody and give the glory to Jesus,
you know. But you know, I set aside ten percent
of my income and I dedicate it towards Kingdom work.
And this is the first time that I've really been
practicing this, and we know it's hard today. I get it, guys,
it's really hard to make it in this world, and

(05:53):
we are. They're pushing us harder and harder. You can
see it coming down the pipeline. You know this digital
current and you know the BT system. You totally see
it in the works. And everything is so expensive. It's
like mom and dad have to work. Families are cohabitating
with one another nowadays because the cost of living, the
cost of groceries, gas, everything, thing supplies, whatever it is.

(06:18):
You know, it's really put the clamps down on us.
But you know, I think that's why as a believer
in walking with Christ and getting your walk right, it's
about being responsible and doing what's right. And we can
make excuses to whether it's our time, our energy, and
our finances. You know, we need to be responsible and
understand we don't have anything in the first place if

(06:39):
it's not for God's blessing. So it's really God who
provides everything. And as a as a believer truly walking
with him, I'm trying to put my faith into practice
and not just talk about it, but be about it.
And I've had to learn to cut ties with things
that were holding me back and instead of all, you know,
sometimes even sacrificing to go out and eat, even though
that's something enjoyable, like I can sacrifice that and eat

(07:02):
at home, you know, because I want to make sure
I'm giving to God, you know, what he deserves, not
giving him my leftovers. And I really see how he's
you know, it's not I'm not preaching a prosperity gospel here, guys.
This isn't prosperity gospel preaching, but it is it's biblical truth.

(07:23):
It is biblical truth that we have to tithe into
our walk, into our church, into our faith, and we
need to trust that we're by doing so, this is
doing the work of the kingdom, you know. And if
we're just giving God our leftover time, our leftover energy,
our leftover resources, you know, it's not really putting him first.
So really what the practice is is putting God first

(07:46):
and recognizing him and through that, like you begin to
see the spirit flow in your life, you begin to
see it come back to you. Sometimes it doesn't come
back in the form of a financial blessing, sometimes it does,
but it always comes back to you some way. And
what I've been realizing is how much more abundantly rich
my life is becoming when I started doing this. And

(08:08):
what it says here in that scripture that I just
read is to do so with a cheerful heart, you know,
because I've sat in that inter churches before and I've tithed.
But I did it thinking like, man, I really shouldn't
give this right now. You know, I can't even afford
to give this what am I doing? You know? And
I don't want to do it. But when you do
it from a cheerful place, trusting God and knowing that

(08:30):
it's going to come back to you, it changes the game,
you know what I mean. So that's kind of like
just what I wanted to open up with today because
it's something that I've really been trying to practice in
my walk, and so I'll pass it back to you, Heidi.
What do you think? What do you think about this?
Giving God your best, whether it's your talent, your time,
your resources, you know, your money, even even to your
very relationships that you're struggling with, turning them over to

(08:54):
God and saying, here, Lord, I need help. What do
you think about this?

Speaker 4 (08:57):
Yeah, I think we have to put God at the
forefront of everything we do. And I think a lot
of people get twisted up in money and they just
think it's all about money. But here's the thing, why
why can't we also? And money is good too, But
notice the old people in your neighborhood and see if
they need their lawn mode or be of service. Like

(09:18):
service has always been my love language with God. And
I don't know if that's because that's my calling or
because I'm a nurse or maybe both. But you know,
and money's good too. We always do stuff, especially around
this year. It's so important, and especially with what they're
doing in the government right now, which is ridiculous. But
you know, they've just cut people off and give them

(09:40):
no outlet like that. I mean, it's insane. So I
agree one hundred percent. It has to be with a
cheerful heart. You never want to go and give service like, ah,
I gotta go do this thing, or I gotta go
do that thing. And also, like you said, time like
this podcast. You know, any podcast we do, if it's

(10:01):
dedicated to God, like, I'll make the time. Like even
if I don't have time, like, it doesn't matter, because
that's another way where He's told me that's my calling.
Now that's not everybody's calling, you know, but that's weirdly
been mine.

Speaker 1 (10:18):
Yeah, yeah, no, you know, time is money and taking
time from your day, whether it's sacrificing time from your
family or doing something you want to do. You know,
like in the past, I love to sit and watch football,
especially on a Sunday, But you know what, Jesus is
more important than any game that's on the television. Especially

(10:40):
now that I know that they're rigging sports and all
these gambling scandals are going on. I could really care less,
but you know, I'm going to put Jesus first and foremost.
And if I have an opportunity to come on here
for an hour and a half or two hours or
however long we spend with you guys, I'd rather be
doing this than wasting my time. And also I believe
in what we do here, and it's actually using your

(11:02):
talents that God gave you, not for yourself. We're not
out here on Firmamental Podcast to glorify ourselves. It's not
about Adrian, it's not about Raoul, it's not about Heidi.
It's about building the Kingdom of God. And I see
the harvest is ready. Man, it's sweet. Like I've been
out here in the world world right now, and there's

(11:24):
a lot of things that we can focus on that
are negative, but I've been finding the silver lining and things.
And one thing that hard times bring is need. Right
there's a need and I see it in people when
I'm out and about. I see this need. They're hungry
and they're thirsty, and they're searching for something. They just

(11:44):
don't know what it is. And if we as believers
can operate as salt and light in this world and
bring somebody joy, whether it's through a kind act or
through a financial blessing or whatever it is, and we
can turn around and give the glory to Jesus. We're
planning whether they sprout right there at that time or
they sprout later on down the line. For that person,

(12:06):
you know, it's it's capturing that moment and being obedient
to God and acting in faith and trusting him to
do the work. Now, it's not us that saves anybody,
but we could be conduits of the Holy Spirit and
lead people to the truth. And that's what we're That's
why we're taking time away today, guys, because we almost
didn't do this podcast today. There's a lot of stuff

(12:26):
going on in our personal lives, but we chose to
push that to the side and trust God with didn't
spend some time with you guys to glorify Jesus here today. Adrian, brother,
what's on your mind?

Speaker 2 (12:39):
Oh no, No, it's a it's always a that's a
good segue as far as you know, the giving, and
I'm just thinking about Pastor. He always says, you got
you know, Mercedes given with Captain Crunch living. So it's
because it's it's it is a mindset, you know, like
Heidi said, there's things that you can do to pay

(13:01):
it forward, to make extra income and if you take
care of you know, folks in the community that might
need help and do it for free because you sow
sometimes you just got to sow time and effort and
energy and because you know, recently, I feel like, you know,
I'd got down to one car and we had picked
up a car for my wife, and then we got
we have five kids, and the car we had picked

(13:24):
up was only a Sedan, you know, Fodor Sedan, so
it's a five seater. And you know, I'm like, man,
so my Tahoe. I work in Texas and I had to,
you know, I put a lot of miles on We
drive a lot. I'm a project manager, so we drive
a lot. So we put thirty thousand plus miles a
year on our vehicles, our personal vehicles, which is okay.

(13:46):
I mean we have a gas car and it's a
part of the deal. So no, not the end of
the world, but you are going to have wear and tear.
And the thing was is my transmission had went out.
You know, we just got back from laying my brother
the rest and I'm thinking like, okay, got that over with.
It's tough obviously, and then you know, we fly back
home and on the way home, transmission goes out. I'm like, man,

(14:08):
and uh, you know, but I just say, you know what,
the Lord will take care of me. You know, we
give the best we can. We missed the mark at times,
you know, because we try to. Obviously, you know, our
pastor teaches the truth, you know, He's like, you can
rob God if you want, but I'd rather be blessed
with ninety percent than curse with one hundred percent, because
you know that. And that's the truth. And I know
there's a big thing about tithing right now that some

(14:30):
people say, well, that's Old Testament, new Testament. I say,
you don't want the New Testament version. Because Jesus said
to the rich young ruler, yeah, you did everything, but
go sell everything you have and give it to the
poor and come follow me. And then he walked away
grief because he knew that was a that was an
ass that his heart wasn't ready for. And the reality
is is it's not a sin to have the things.

(14:51):
It's a sin for the things to have you. And
Jesus just shined a light on him and said, look, man,
it's not about what you know. Yes, I did the
religious things right, I fulfilled the law, but you didn't
fulfill the law of love because you can't depart from
what you have. And the reason why is because you
don't have the faith that he would restore it greater.

(15:12):
It's like when Neeverknezar lost the kingdom, you know, and
he went with the beast of the field, the Bible
says for seven years, grew hair and nails. It was
not a pretty sight, but the Bible and he went
and he turned that way because he was bragging about
how he did you know, his kingdom was so amazing
and how he built this kingdom and God said no.
And so when God took it from him and he

(15:33):
restored him back, the Bible says that his kingdom was
even greater than the first go around. And a lot
of times us as believers, we just feel like if
God had taken something that we're missing something. Well, reality
is a lot of times He takes things that either
our stumbling block or they're hindering our affection to Him
and have become an idol, or you know, you can

(15:55):
go down the list. But at the end of the day,
if you don't have the faith that He will restore
a back greater than what you've lost, then you're already
doomed because you're not seeing God for who he is,
you know, the one that can do the impossibilities. So
you know the long story short. You know, this week
my company helped me out with a vehicle. In twenty eighteen,

(16:16):
Ram and I'm gonna tell you right now, these kind
of deals just don't happen, you know, And it's a blessing,
you know. And I just think that God is he
knows our steps, he knows what we need. And you know,
like I said, as a father of five, and obviously
I'm married and my wife and our family, and He's
blessed us man, And a lot of that has been
the faithfulness over the years. There's times we've given and

(16:37):
we had our cell phone bills were due and we
decided to give and we cell phones went out and
so on and so forth. And it's not because God
needs our money. So that's not what I'm telling you
guys out here today. We all know God's not broke.
But I just wanted God to know He's got my
heart and no matter what, because that's the things they're
going to leverage this generation with our toys, even food.

(17:00):
At times, you know, it's like it's hard to understand
why the word breakfast was made to break the fast,
and a lot of people don't, like they don't understand
that breakfast is what a breakfast is. And it got
it got modern, it got industrialized, and it got coined,
and it became a tool to sell items in the
morning that are high carbohydrates, high sugar to make you
actually hungry for lunch. That's a whole other topic for

(17:23):
another day. But you know, God is good, and UH
just wanted to say, you know, because I think God
is really touching you right now. We're old sew into
the kingdom because you know, we don't sew. The thing
that I like that my pastor teaches too is he's like,
you're not so in seed for today. A farmer doesn't
sow seed like hey, dude, I need my crop today.

(17:44):
It's so the next season when everybody's looking around like
where the food at, It's like, I'm good, I sowed
my I'm eating off my labor from six months ago,
from three months ago, right like, I'm not eating off
my labor that I just threw in the ground today.
And I think a lot of people have that mentality.
So that's just kind of what I'm what I'm going
with it.

Speaker 1 (18:04):
And you got a sow to grow, right yeah, yeah, yeah,
And I'm gonna I'm gonna pass it back to Heidie.
I just wanted to say one thing is I forgot
to mention the punchline that my pastor said that that
really gut punched me. But he said, you know, we
could we go out to eat and we're quick to
tip our waiter, our bartender, whoever, twenty five percent, twenty percent,

(18:25):
But when it comes to God, we just want to
give them the scraps. Like man, I was like, I
was like, wow, when you're right, God doesn't need our money.

Speaker 2 (18:33):
You know. Look, look my pastor goes on, he goes, hey,
hold on, ro my pastors from God. He's like, ten
percent is his tem percent. You ain't given until you
hit eleven. Okay, don't don't. He's like, don't get it
twisted over. Your ten percent is you're giving your your
tithe belongs to the Lord, and that's going off the

(18:54):
book and it's and it's fine. Like I said, if
I'm afraid to give God ten percent that he want,
that that won't yield good fruit. Being obedient with his money.
All you're doing is showing that you're not faithful for
his gifts. Because there's other gifts that are way more
and we can talk about a little later. Just remind
me what the gifts are. But those gifts will explain

(19:15):
a little bit later. But if he can't trust you
with these gifts. He won't give you those gifts. And yeah,
so anyway, we got to get our guests going because
we were ready to get unleash hiding, unload the clip.

Speaker 4 (19:30):
That's okay, that's okay. I do think it's important to
to remember that your time if you think you don't
have anything to give, because I know a lot of
people get in this like I don't have any maybe
you don't have a job. Maybe you know you really
are in a bad situation, then that that isn't the
only time you can give your heart. Like I think

(19:52):
this is so important because there are so many people
people dying every day of loneliness because they don't want
to be here anymore. And I think I focus on this,
Like I said, I work at the psych hospital and
I see it firsthand. You know, people are lonely for
actual human connection. I mean, how much effort does it

(20:13):
take to talk to your cashier to go? You know,
you'll be led whatever the thing is you need to do,
whether it's money, time, talent, whatever that is. God, I'll
tell you if you just listen, So you need to
you need to listen. Yeah I know.

Speaker 1 (20:33):
Yeah, that's that's that's practice, that's practicing discipline, right, And
I think discipleship is about discipline. You know, that is
a concept that the Lord's really been bringing before me
a lot recently, and I know Abraham touched on it
quite a bit in our last episode and I was
hearing it today in church too. You know, we have

(20:55):
to exercise discipline if we want to be disciples of
Christ because we want to be a true reflect action
of Him to those around us. And you know, and
I understand what you're saying as well, Heidi. You know
they have out there, Yeah, yeah, yeah, people, there's there's
there's some people that they're they're in that situation where
they're in the need of receiving at that time. But

(21:16):
imagine if there's not givers in the church, then there's
there there's nothing to help those people out with. And
we've got to understand stand that it is about growing, right,
Jesus wants his church to grow, and we have to
operate in the world that the church needs, uh needs
resources to reach uh these these the world that's out there,

(21:40):
whether it's traveling, whether it's food, whether it's clothing, whether
it's uh, you know, drug and alcohol, rehab programs, whether
building new churches, new buildings, ministries, UH, missionary trips. These
things do cost money. But not everybody's in the sea
of giving. Some people are in the seasons of needing

(22:03):
to receive. And for those of you that are out
there that are in need of receiving, Uh, aren't you
happy that there's people in the church that are taking
the responsibility to be obedient to God and be givers
so that they have those resources to give to those
who are in need. And something that I've experienced and
I'm actually experiencing it right now with a friend that
I'm helping. Uh, you know, try to lead to Christ

(22:25):
and somebody who's been struggling with some finances. And if
you guys haven't listen, go listen to the short Rouls
rant that I did just a few days ago, you know,
and that that offer is still on the table. You guys,
want to help my friend out pay some bills, Uh,
send send me some cash app and put love in
the cash app link and I'll know it's from my
buddy and I'll send it to them. Somebody I'm trying
to trying to help out here. But I my friend

(22:47):
was like, look, I don't need your I don't want
that from you. I just want your friendship. And I said, yeah,
but you got to understand this is something that I
want to do, so don't look. Don't look at gift
horse in the mouth, like the old saying is. You know,
I'm doing this from a place because I want to
do this. I enjoy doing this, so please let me
do this. And I think some people and especially men.

(23:09):
You know, I'm not saying women can't be this way,
but I know as a man too, sometimes your pride
you're like, oh, I don't need nobody's help. If I
can't get in on my own, then I'll just go without.
You know, we need to learn to not be so
prideful and learn it's okay to ask for help, and
even if it doesn't have to do with finances. Too,
if you're struggling with sin, or if you're struggling with

(23:30):
in a relationship, if you're struggling at work, if you
keep that to yourself and you're not releasing, releasing it
and talking to Jesus about it, and you're not you're
not sharing that with people that God's placed in your circle,
then then how can you grow you're you're you're hiding
it from the light. Bring all that to the light.
And you, guys, if you need, if you need help,
don't be scared to ask for it because there's people

(23:52):
out here like us right now that are blessed and
we're willing to help you out, but we need to
know you need help in order to help you.

Speaker 4 (24:07):
Seeve as well. Period. So yeah, like you said, everything seasons, right,
like all these different seasons for people, and I've been
on both sides of the coin, and we're getting into
the holidays, so please, you know that shouldn't be the
only time we give. But try to remember that, Like,
try to remember the kids on Christmas that think Santa

(24:28):
doesn't love them because that's what they heard at school. Right,
Like we can say we don't practice that all day long,
but then people are going to talk like even if
you don't do you know, worldly things, the kids at
school are going to tell, oh, look what I did
or look what I got or blah blah blah. You know,
you don't have to fall into the materialism, but also
you can help them have at least, like they need

(24:50):
clothes and shoes and socks and things, and you know,
what better time to do that. I mean, yeah, you
know that's.

Speaker 2 (24:57):
Something our church is doing a little something for the
a good something to feed folks. You know, they God
spoke in their heart to do to do an outreach
for food. And this was before the government shut down,
So they had planned this a while ago because God
put in their heart. And then lo and behold, we
have a shutdown. So those are the kind of things
that you know, our our finances can go to and

(25:20):
that we can be a blessing and and just be
mindful and hear the Lord, you know. And I thank
God that they were mindful and we got to bless
a couple families with some with some food. Be a
part of that blessing too. And you know, it doesn't
take much to reach out and and just show because
He's God's going to take care of his people, you know, period,
doesn't matter what the economy looks like. If you're if

(25:42):
you are going to sow the seed you it will
not yield, It will not not yield fruit. It will
yield fruit. Okay, So because that's sometimes we're like, man,
I don't know, you know, I'm gonna you don't know,
six months from now, you don't know two years from now,
but God does and we just have to trust that,
you know. And I believe we're in a society now
where man, it's like housing because Patrick Bett David, I

(26:04):
listened to him here and there and he was talking about,
you know, the used to be twice this income to
own a house. Now it's eight times. Like those are
real numbers, you know, those are hardcore numbers, and that's
the reality. You know, what was once obtainable is a
four squeeze. Right for the twenty thirty agenda to work,
they got to squeeze us out. And I think we're

(26:25):
feeling it now and I think you're gonna only just
see it more and more, especially on the West coast
and on the East coast and things like that. So
now more than ever, we need to trust God because
we saw it back with Egypt and Israel, and we
saw it with the Babylonians in Israel and the Romans,
and then you just see it throughout you know, England
and keep on going. So I think we're for another

(26:47):
one of those deals where there, you know, we just
need to be ready. So this is a time more
than ever to trust God.

Speaker 4 (26:53):
I believe yep, ro Russia. You know, the Bolshevik Revolution
shows people and you know history is widely not studied anymore,
but you know, food is something they have realized that
they can control the masses with. And if you know,
we control it back right as Christians, then they don't

(27:14):
have as much power period. Also, for those that are
struggling right now, and if you have lost your EBT
SNAP benefits, you can go to some local restaurants I
know all of gardeners participating in this, and you can
show them your card that it was active and they
will feed you. So just letting people know that. So
that doesn't solve the problem, but it's another resource. So

(27:35):
look that up. Yeah, so hopefully hopefully we can get people.

Speaker 1 (27:40):
Okay, yeah, out here in the state where I'm at,
they actually, uh, they overrode the federal shutdown and they
release SNAP benefits to the residents of the state. So
I don't know if that's happening in the other states,
but they did so that people that were receiving EBT
did it end up getting their ev this month, so

(28:01):
you know, and that's that's crazy. I said that on
a YouTube short video that I made recently and I'm like,
you know, we we have billions to give for wars,
to buy more fighter jets, to buy warships, to to
house you know, all these militias all around the world
and finance wars, but we don't have money to feed

(28:24):
people in need, you know. And I know there's people
wherever there's a system, there's always somebody within the system
that's going to use it. But think of all the
people that actually aren't just using the system, but actually
really rely on that. You know, You've got to have
a heart for these folks. And I hear a lot
of people on both sides of the fence, you know,
as the people say, well, good, maybe they should just

(28:44):
get to work. Well, you know, there's a lot of
people that are reliant on those those benefits that they're
in circumstances where they just can't work, and we just cannot.
We have a duty, not only you know, especially as believers,
we have a biblical duty to take care of people
in need, widows, you know, the disabled, and and and
the young, and the youth, and anybody who's ever fought

(29:05):
in the war, whatever you like. You should not have
to worry about where your next meal is coming from.
So I mean, if they can spend billions on wars,
we should be able to spend even a fraction of
that to feed people here. But I think that's why
it's even more important these days. If you do, you know,
I know people that have apartments right now that are
growing micro greens inside of their apartments. You know, imagine

(29:27):
if everybody was growing something in their home, no matter
what you have, you could do it inside of an apartment.
Look it up, microgreens in your apartment, like you you know,
if you have a backyard, if you have a front yard,
if you have just do something, plant something in the ground.
But a seed isn't going to grow like you can
hold it in your hand. But until you open your
hand and play and place it in the ground and

(29:50):
trust it, it's it. Like you said, it might not
happen overnight, but wait and see, you know, wait and
see what happens. That seed will grow and it will
grow and it will grow more food than just what
out of that tiny little seed you place in the ground.
And the more the more you sow, the more you grow.
So the more we as believers trust in God to provide,

(30:11):
the more that we put out there it's going to
come back. It's not. It's not going to come back void.
It's impossible, actually. But you know, no matter how hard
the enemy tries to make this world and how unlivable
our circumstances seem, you know, sometimes good can come out
of bad situations. Just like with the COVID pandemic, right,

(30:33):
it woke a lot of people up, a lot of
people that weren't hip to the schemes of the pharmaceutical industries,
and some of these are healthcare industry, and a lot
of people woke up during that time and learn to
eat healthier and be healthier and exercise and take care
of themselves and not trust trust so much in the system. Right,

(30:54):
A lot of good came out of that. And just
like you know, it may cost eight times you're income
to purchase a house now, you know when before it
was twice your income. You know, now it's eight. But
if it's if it's forcing families to bury the hatchet
and set aside old be so they can come together
and cohabitate. Yeah, it's hard living with with loved ones

(31:15):
and cohabitating with family, But in a lot of ways,
if you work together and you come together and you
support one another and you help ease that strain. You know,
I think more families are starting to move in together,
like a kid still living with parents or or or
cousins and and and brothers and sisters and uncles and aunts.

(31:35):
And you know, if if we if we have to
go back to living like that, you know that that
could be a good thing because it's more people to
watch and steward our children and look after the things
that we have. You know, So, uh, could it be
could it be bad? And could it be scary? It can,
but it could also force you into circumstances will actually
turn out to be a blessing and maybe you can

(31:56):
repair a relationship with a relative that that that was broken,
you know, out of need.

Speaker 4 (32:03):
I have a little story to share from this. So
I have definitely had my times where things have definitely
been a hardship on me my family. I've really struggled
with my health a lot of times. And after I
had had cancer and my grandma sued me because I
loved the church and trying to take my kids and

(32:26):
basically I had nothing, I mean really, and we ended
up having to live with my brother, my little brother,
and we had a mother in law apartment with it
was two bedrooms and it was the tiniest little like
a living room and then a little laundry room the bedroom,
and then a kitchen but it was like a kitchenette.

(32:48):
It was like the stoves that you get into RV,
like tiny, like tiny fridge, tiny stove, everything's tiny. The bedroom,
our bedroom was good size. And we had six, yes,
I I said, six children. And you know, me and
my kids talk about this all the time and how
much fun they had there. The one saving grace was

(33:09):
my brother had a sun room. We spent a lot
of time out there in the sun room because it
had heat and everything. The kids would play out there
and they played outside more and they had fun. And
it was just this, you know, we'd do family dinners.
Obviously I would help his daughter, she they would help
my kids. Like it was. It was this nice time

(33:31):
that I thought it was going to be awful, Like
going into it, I just thought, oh my gosh, I
can't imagine how I'm going to deal with this. And
the room's so small. And we were talking about it
the other day with my older daughter and she said,
wasn't that so funny? And it was fun and all
of us were so close, and you know, I didn't
realize it at the time, but I would lose my

(33:53):
brother within a year of that. And it was a blessing.
It was a huge, which blessing for me because yeah,
when you leave, when you leave home, and he was
in the Navy, and you know, we'd never lived together
since we were young, really young, because we got taken

(34:13):
away and separated and all this horrible stuff when we
were young, and so we hadn't lived together since maybe
I was twelve and he was nine, and it was hard.
He had an addiction problem, which I realized living with him.
I probably would have never known that if I didn't
live with him, because you see things differently right when

(34:35):
you're there. And what I thought was like, just oh,
he's just drinking. It wasn't. There was all kinds of
problems there, and he didn't make it through that fight,
you know, but I did everything I could, Like I
called him out. I would tell him like you I
almost got a fist fight with him. Actually, my husband

(34:55):
was like, your brother is going to kill you because
he's like six three and ways like to seventy and
I'm like I'm five nine. I can hold my own.
But the one thing I knew for sure is my
brother would never hit me. So I was like, well,
I don't care, and I was just trying to wake
him up. I was like, you need help, you need help,

(35:16):
You're not listening to me, and you know, it boiled
over and it shouldn't have got to that point. But
I think he realized like, hey, maybe I do have
a problem, and he did rally for a little while
after that, you know, he really did. And I will
say this for my children, like they have wonderful memories
of their uncle. Not my uncle came over once or

(35:38):
twice on Christmas, right, they have this wonderful time that
they spent every day. And there were hard things too.
They saw things they shouldn't have had to see. But
also I think that's going to help them not be addicts.
I'm sorry. You know, sometimes we see things that are
hard and we want to shelter everybody so badly now

(35:59):
that we want to make them like these bubble kids,
like in the bubble thing, you know of that old movie,
And it doesn't help people because then they get out
in the real world and nobody cares about you, and
they don't care if you need a safe space, like
they don't. You know, Yeah, it's hard, but I am
so grateful to God that I had that time with

(36:21):
my brother.

Speaker 2 (36:21):
No, it's funny that because I had the similar situation.
We moved to Texas in twenty twenty one, late September,
so we were staying with my in laws. We all migrated.
We're like crazy, right, We're like, we're just leaving California.
So there are some other contexts behind that. But in
twenty twenty three, before we left that, we had a
tiny apartment. Again there's seven of us to bedroom. But

(36:44):
to me, I really same thing, like the close quarters.
My daughter started her nail job on the outside of
the porch in Texas. If you know about Texas, it's
like super hot or super cold. So she's a trooper
for that. And then now we're doing well, a nice
four bedroom house and all that with a lot of
space and she has her business. But for just a
few months, my brother had just surprised us in twenty

(37:08):
twenty three and he came and and and uh just
pumped us with life. And then he went back to
Saint Well it's a normal Illinois and then we lost
him back in May, but I felt the same thing, like,
you know, God orchestrated those three months that he got
to stay with all five of my kids us in
a two bedroom. We dropped two tracks that we were

(37:30):
able to play at his memorial service and just brought
back amazing memories and you know, God, he's amazing like
that where we get to have it's not always the
how big, it's it's the quality, you know. And we
had quality time and you know, like you said, same
thing with my mom before she passed away, she got
to stay with us for a while, and then my
mother in law, my sister in law, you know, and

(37:52):
we got to spend real quality time and just actually
serve them and and you know, like let them see
who we really are in their weak moments, because that's
when people know the real you, when they're when they're
at their weakest and you're at your best. Because a
lot of times, you know, it's the opposite. You know,
they're at their weakest or we're at our weakest and
they're still kicking us in the teeth, you know. So

(38:14):
so because like you said, there's not always mercy, and
uh no, it's that's that's an amazing story, And I
think now that I now that I've kind of put
two to two together. So I think after when we
first talked, before you guys hopped on you heard us
hop on firm, we were talking a little bit and
I watched a testimony from the Mormon Church about the
pussycat dolls, and I think your podcast came in after,

(38:35):
so like, if you're the one that got married really young,
live with your grandma? Yeah, and Grandma always was it
a shadow dater, all that crazy, all that funny star ship,
and then she like, Okay, I know exactly who you are.

Speaker 4 (38:50):
Now listen.

Speaker 2 (38:52):
I listened to your your testimony for about I think
an hour and a half. Was that one that went real.

Speaker 4 (38:57):
Popular place almost faults?

Speaker 2 (39:01):
Yeah, Yeah, I got the whole load out on you, ma'am.

Speaker 4 (39:07):
And you know, it isn't God good that he can
maybe see I'm not saying he doomed your brother or mine,
but like he can see he knows what we don't know,
you know. And also it changed the whole course of
my life. Like now I have a nice home and
my kids are, you know, all stable and good and
everybody's well. But like at that time, it seemed like

(39:29):
the end of the world, you know, like, ah, I
gotta go with my brother and he's my little brother.
How embarrassing, and you know all this stuff. And I
mean I think God just knew, you know, that that time.
Whether he would, I don't think he has it predetermined.
There's always that crossroad. But like, also it changed my life,

(39:49):
Like I don't have the same career. I don't work
in the er anymore. I work with these people coming
off of addictions and all these different things, and a
lot of times they're there semi against their will and
they're like, well, I just hate it here. Nothing's worse
than being here. And I'm like, well, there's people that

(40:10):
make it here and they're in the dirt, you know,
And you're not supposed to say stuff like that, but
I don't care. I say it nice, you know, but
I'm like, this is serious, Like you you have to
understand that, this is like, I don't care how many
times you've been go again, because one day you're not
gonna make it there if you don't do it again.

Speaker 2 (40:30):
Yeah, and you have you have such an amazing testimony,
and uh, you know, I don't think you know, maybe
the firm has heard it before because you know, I'm
on I'm on season two, you know, so so season
one I didn't. I didn't have you on there. But
you know, it's just hearing your testimony and where you
came from and and uh, what you went through. I'm
sure there's a Surviving the Mormon Church book coming and

(40:52):
not surviving Art Kelly, but Survive the Mormon Church. No,
but uh, you know, it's it's pretty uh, it's pretty
pretty profound that you are and who has overcome cancer
and then now you're you're also still serving others and
helping outher and that's a testimony to what we're even
saying today, like stay faithful, stay the course, trust God,
and it's a growth, it's a growth thing, and you're

(41:12):
having Father is there for you and you're growing because
one thing I think I took from yours is that
you were you did. You were serious at a younger
age as far as knowing the faith, and it kind
of lets you down because you know, you realized it's
kind of more of a Ponzi scheme than actual people
who love God and want to see others flourish. Even

(41:32):
I think you said your grandpa was probably racist, So yeah,
I wasn't there. I don't know.

Speaker 4 (41:42):
Yeah, And you know what's funny, I don't know if
you heard that part of the story. My stepdad was
extremely racist and tried to instill it in me and
he failed miserably. But the funnier part is is his
only blood son, his blood son, married a black woman
and they have one black child, obviously half and half,
you know, not all the way, and he loves her.

(42:05):
It changed him too, like you can't. He's still a
jerk in a lot of ways. But I'm just saying,
like that part, okay, he loves her the same as
he would love any child. Okay, it doesn't matter anymore.
Even though I didn't think that could ever change in him.
He was horrific, you know, and we see these things happen,

(42:25):
and I always say that's like God's little joke because
He's like, watch this, you know, and I think it's great.
But you know, I never cared, like people have asked
me that because then my ex husband also married a
black lady. That was wonderful. And people here in Utah
are a little weird, like there was too many John

(42:46):
Bircher's back in the day, and the Mormon Church was racist,
and I don't know. They would say weird things like
how do you feel about a black woman being your
kid's stepmom? And I'm like, you're a weirdo. Like as
long as my kid as well taking care of and loved,
I'm just grateful for another person that loves my son,
which she was wonderful. She passed away. Also, we had

(43:07):
like the season of death at my house that was
just so bad. She passed away two weeks before my brother,
and it was all every one of the deaths was
unexpected and tragic and young and it's really horrible things.
She had a disease, a muscle disease kind of like lupus,
and she just didn't wake up one morning, like and

(43:29):
she was forty something. Yeah, And it was my kids,
like they loved her so much and they used to
call her Mama Mo because their name was Monique. And
you know, even my divorce, like I know God doesn't
like divorce, but like even that because my ex husband
did a horrible job when I got sick and he
was just not good and it totally ruined our relationship.

(43:50):
And you know, we both moved on and he married
her and I married my husband and First of all,
I think we both ended up with like our soulmates
at that point. My husband is everything. Like it's been
over a decade and people never thought we would make
it because we were so both really strong headed for
a while. You put a Gemini with a Leo, it's

(44:11):
it's interesting. But I don't believe in all that but
per se, but that gives you like the personality profile.

Speaker 2 (44:16):
Oh no, these people know the trust me. They know,
they know, they know see well, people miscon screw it
all that astrology stuff. It's God said, no, the signs
know the seasons, right, that's a part of the personality
trait around those times, those signs and seasons. Man, I mean,
you don't got to live by that stuff, but you
you can understand what you're dealing with. So I get it.

Speaker 4 (44:36):
We had battle royale for like three years, but then
now we're like amazing, And you know, he was so
good with her in her time of me being sick.
It was almost hard for me to watch him do
that and be so good with her everything that he
didn't do for me.

Speaker 2 (44:51):
Like yeah, but that's kind of how it works though, right,
He jack shit yours up, so he's like I ain't
gonna do that again.

Speaker 4 (44:57):
No, nope, she In fact, she I will tell you
not a dry eye. She made me go to that wedding.
She was crazy, I don't know. I told her no
at least seven times, and I said, this is so awkward,
Please don't make me do this. And she said, if
you don't come, I'll never forgive myself and all this stuff.
And I was like, oh my gosh, this lady. And

(45:19):
so I went and she tripped because she had this
muscle problem when she was walking down the aisle, and
he literally went and scooped her up and carried her
down the aisle. There wasn't a dry eye in that place.
Like it was crazy, you know, And it was so
sad when he lost her. But like that time that
she was in our family because she never had children

(45:40):
and she couldn't, so my children were the only children
she ever had. And she literally said to my family,
like one of my kids one day, she said, I
always wanted a dog and kids, and now I have
a dog in kids, and I literally have everything I've
ever wanted. And I think that's why she died. To
be honest, I think she was like good, you know.

Speaker 2 (46:00):
Like yeah, retiring whired.

Speaker 4 (46:06):
Yeah, she was done, and you know, she was the
most beautiful person, and I just I'm so grateful that
she was in my life. Like some people would say, oh,
that's weird because divorce, you know, or whatever, and I'm like, yeah,
but things happen. You know. We can't control everything, right,
we can't.

Speaker 2 (46:25):
Yeah, go ahead, I'm sorry, Yeah, no, I was just
I was like, yeah, for those of you guys that
don't know too, Adrian joined forces with me.

Speaker 1 (46:35):
And this is technically season two, but really be like
season three with how many episodes we've had on Firmamental.
But uh yeah, we've we've rocked with Heidi Leve in
the past. She's had her testimonies and stories. I don't
know if this is our second or third time back, right,
And then I've also, uh, I've also been we've been
on Unfiltered Rise as well. So, uh, Adrian, I guess

(46:55):
you just heard your testimony. So I'm just sitting here
like fly on the wall. I'm like, you know what, man,
Adrian's killing this interview. I just I'll just be a
fly on the water.

Speaker 2 (47:05):
I'm enjoying. I was if you know me at work,
don't don't trip.

Speaker 1 (47:11):
But yeah, but you know, when there's so much that
I want to respond, and I'm gonna keep it kind
of brief, but I want to. I want to share
a bit of my heart because I felt the Lord
speaking to me while while you guys were sharing it.
And you know, the firmamentalists know me. I get emotional,
so you know, HAIDI, when you start tearing up, I
start tearing up too. And UH, it's kind of ironic

(47:32):
that you share that you lost your brother because uh,
the episode, the last episode, it was my brother's birthday
on eleven three. It's his heavenly birthday. I lost my
brother to uh, to alcohol and suicide. And uh, Adrian
recently lost his brother, and in two episodes before that,
Adrian gave a heavenly shout out to his brother that

(47:53):
he lost. And then on this episode, uh, you recall
this beautiful time that that God set aside in your
life and it's a cherished memory with your brother, and uh,
you know, I just wanted to share a little bit
about my brother that I that I lost, you know,
and this was my favorite brother, you know, probably the

(48:16):
most mess of all of us, but my favorite one, nonetheless,
and he was just the realist, most genuine, the realist,
most genuine dude. And my kids still to this day
say their uncle Dee is their favorite uncle, you know.
And uh, but he had his struggles, he had his battles,
but he was his own worst enemy. He was one
of these people that he wouldn't harm anybody else, but

(48:40):
he would do a lot of harm to himself. And
alcohol horribly had a hold of his life. And just
like I heard you share with your brother, you know,
there were times where I grabbed my brother and I
was like, you know, and I hadn't had authority over
at this this time in my life. I have authority
over over those areas, you know. But if this time,

(49:00):
you know, I was still I would still drink with
him and stuff. But you know, I would tell him,
like my drinking wasn't like his. And I'll tell him, Bro,
you're you're you're dying, dude, this is killing you. You need
to stop. And you know, he had a cardiac event.
He ended up in the hospital. He had he had
to go through a rehab program and he got clean

(49:21):
and he went you know, I did all the paperwork
for him to get in this aftercare program. We got
him into a thirty day detox program. He came out.
He was living with my niece at the time, and
her one rule was like, Dad, you can stay here
for as long as you need, but the one rule
is you can't drink, you know. And he made it

(49:43):
about a week and he fell off the wagon and
she came home and he was hammered one day and
she had to she said, you know the rules. Dad.
You know, I love you, but I can't tolerate this
in my home. He came and stayed with me for
a night and I was not living in the same
as him, and I told him, dude, I have kids
and I can't have drinking around my kids like this.

(50:05):
But you know, we scraped together a train ticket. I
drove him down to the train station. He went back home.
But I told him before he fell off the wagon,
I said, bro, this is life or death, dude. And
I said, I said, you're thirty days, you know, over
thirty days clean now. You know, actually at that time,
it was probably closer to like fifty days, because you know,
the time that he had spent in the hospital before
he went into that that post, you know, rehab. And

(50:29):
I told him, dude, if you go back, man. And
I didn't mean to speak this, and I don't know.
People might hit us in the message and say you
shouldn't have said that, But I told him, dude, I
just knew. I said, man, you go back to that lifestyle.
It's curtains, man, Like, now's your time. Seize the moment
and don't go back to it. Like, look look at
all the pain that it's brought you. You know, you

(50:50):
have to leave this behind, you know. And like the
Bible says, when you get delivered from a demon, you
got to be very careful that you don't go back
and entertain those same spirits, because now that demon is
going to bring seven of his friends and they're gonna
come even harder, you know. And I kind of felt
that same kind of situation with my brother, and unfortunately,
he went back to his life, went back to the
familiar surroundings, and fell back into his ways, you know.

(51:13):
And I would go visit him. I would take him clothes.
He was living in a friend of the family's house
that had like an old, abandoned apartment. He didn't have
any power in it. Northern New Mexico would get super
cold during certain times of the year. You know, I
don't know how he was staying warm. He had multiple
sleeping bags, he had a little lantern. He would charge

(51:33):
his phone when he was out and about at a restaurant.
You know, he's basically homeless without being homeless. But you know,
we would whenever we'd go to that little town a
few hours away. I would always make him care packages.
You know, my ex at the time would would make meals.
You know, we'd put in in a packaging for him
and taken meals. I would take him, you know, storable

(51:57):
goods that he could eat, you know, make sure he
had warm clothes for the winner and and and at
this time, let me be honest, like he was alcohol dependent.
He would get physically sick without it. So there was
times where I would even you know, give him alcohol
just so he could maintain you know what I mean.
And uh, unfortunately.

Speaker 4 (52:15):
Yeah you can't if you're out there.

Speaker 1 (52:18):
Yeah, don't do that, Yeah yeah, yeah, yeah, unfortunately, you know,
uh sorry, this is going to be hard to share,
but uh, he he was really struggling. You know, this
is during like the pandemic time, so people four were
still really weird and in this town that he was

(52:38):
in in northern New Mexico was some of the strictest
they they enforced like COVID curfews in this town in
northern New Mexico. And he was really depressed because even
the bars and certain liquor stores and stuff would close
at a certain time and and before he would like
have more access to what he needed to get by,
and he actually had. My brother was a liked guy,

(53:00):
so he used to do some work for the liquor store,
you know, and he would go like sweep and throw
the guy's trash just so he could get his rations
and the guy would like give him that would be
his payment would be in like shooters in a couple
forties for like cleaning this liquor store for this guy.
Like my brother was a survivor. He knew what he
needed to do to just get by and survive. But
that's all he was doing, just scrape him by. And unfortunately,

(53:22):
you know, one morning he got up early and I
guess he hit up my niece who I had to
you know, share some things with her about not feeling guilty,
because I guess he reached out to her the morning
that he took his life, and he said, you know,
I really need to be with you. I just come
pick me up and you know, and she kind of

(53:43):
just said, like, Dad, I'm busy. I got a lot
of things going on and I can't do it. And
you know how we get with people who are struggling
with the diction, people who are struggling with alcohol. Sometimes
we just don't want to put up with their you know,
their shit. And I usually don't cuss on this podcast,
but you know, those were the words that were used.
I don't want to put up with your with your
shit right now. And you know, and and uh, you

(54:06):
know a lot of people weren't answering their phone that day.
I was probably one of them. And he was just
feeling frustrated. He had fell down the stairs like a
few weeks earlier and he cracked his ribs. I know
he was in a lot of pain, probably dting off alcohol,
isolation from COVID, just all these things. And listen, man,
I know my brother loved Jesus. I know he loved
Jesus because I had this rap song that I wrote

(54:27):
about Jesus and he used to always tell me, do
that song, do that song, do that song? Every time.
He used to love to hear me sing to him too,
and that was kind of our thing, and so I
know he he he loved Jesus, but yeah, he uh,
he stabbed himself in the throat. H and they said

(54:49):
that he hid with the stairs, little apartment that he
was standing in, and he tried to make it to
the sink, and he made it to the to the
restroom and he was looking in the mirror and you
know they can see because the handprints in the blood,
and he like reached to go for the talent. I
think he was going to try to stop the bleeding, but.

Speaker 3 (55:07):
He realized, like he actually I think he did it
more in desperation to get attention, and he actually hit something.

Speaker 1 (55:15):
He fell on the floor, he put out.

Speaker 3 (55:20):
My niece found him. She still lives with this to
this day, and I tell her he thought, you can't
carry that.

Speaker 5 (55:29):
It's not your fault because whether it was that day
or it was just that demon. He was that demon,
that strong, that strong drink, those spirits, they just had
a hold of him and he was just lost.

Speaker 1 (55:39):
But I really do believe that he's with Jesus, because
even suicide is not more powerful than than what Jesus
did on the cross. And some people might disagree, and
they think that suicide is, you know, is a damning sin,
but I really don't feel that way. And I believe
I'll see my brother one day again, you know. But

(56:00):
I've I've had to talk to my niece about forgiving
herself and learning that, you know, just because she didn't
answer her phone that day, she's not the only one
that didn't and she can't carry that guilt and her
dad wouldn't want her to live in that, you know.
And we got to learn to heal and move on
and not make the mistakes. And you know, my brother's
death has took me a few years since then, and

(56:20):
I still struggled with alcohol from his death till now.
And and I've recently just recently got a good grip
on on on alcoholism in my life. And it's one
of the things that the Lord has really delivered me from.
And I'm so gracious for it. But uh, you know,
I look at what happened to my brother and other
people that I know that have died from drugs and alcohol,

(56:41):
and I say, I'm not gonna let that be me.
This isn't going to continue on. It stops here. You
know and and uh, my brother didn't lose his life
in vain because it may have a kid losing his life.

Speaker 3 (56:57):
For me to gain back mind in a sense.

Speaker 1 (57:02):
And I honor you, brother.

Speaker 3 (57:07):
I want to choose to serve Jesus save souls for
the kingdom so other people don't have to don't have
to end up the same way, guys.

Speaker 1 (57:14):
And I'm sorry. Yeah, I've been through a lot of.

Speaker 4 (57:20):
I think this is powerful. Look, every one of us
up here have lost a brother. And my niece also
found my brother and she was twelve, wow, and she
was never okay, you know, and we lost her too
because then she got took away and then her mother
killed herself right after that. And so like this pain,

(57:44):
when you have drug and alcohol or suicide or something
and you get to that low level where you think
that it's hopeless, never make any kind of decision at
that time because you will pass that down to your
family for all eternity. As this happened with my uncle too,
and he shot himself and his kids are still not okay,

(58:06):
you know. And so when we look at this, I
think this is the perfect time to have this discussion
because this is our highest time in the psych hospital
where people have attempts on their life because they are
either lonely and away from their family, or or their
family is hard and they don't know how to deal

(58:27):
with their family, or they feel like a failure to
their family. And for these people that are out there,
like my heart says to you, like, look at all
of us up here. I'm not sure about your brother,
but like us at least you know with this substance
abuse problem, realize like this is not worth your life,
and go get help today, not tomorrow. And it doesn't

(58:51):
matter if you go back a hundred times. I don't
care the shame and guilt that keeps you in the
pattern repeating. It's going to have to stop so that
you can heal. Because Raoul is right, the people that
get affected by this the worst are the most kind.
They are the most kind hearted, good people. And anybody

(59:12):
that judges anybody's death, I'm sorry. You aren't God and
you don't get to do that, and that is not
yours to say or do. So it doesn't say in
the Bible anywhere that that's on our decision. Everything is
up to God, period. Because it also says that we
all have to be baptized and all this stuff and
that we have to fully accept Jesus. But yet he

(59:33):
said he'd see the thief that day, right, But he
wasn't baptized. There was no time for him. There was
none of that. So we don't know ultimately, is what
I'm saying. You know, whether that be like murders, I
don't care, like you, that is not your place. And
I always tell my daughter because she asked me these
hard questions she's getting at that age, like what happens

(59:54):
to these really bad people that her kids or you know,
her other people. And I'm like, I'm just I'm really
glad that's not our burden. We don't have to worry
about that. We can pray for them, and that's you know,
that's the answer. But you know, every one of us
up here with the sibling loss, I'll tell you this,
and this is real for people that don't know your
sibling is the only person your siblings. I only had

(01:00:17):
one that I grew up with, but they're the only
one that knows your exact family, and like how you
were created and what you went through and your camaraderie
of actually how you developed and grew up because you
had the same parents, and even if they parented you different,
like they fully understand and comprehend your level more than

(01:00:39):
anyone else on earth. This is like a psychological fact.
And so if you lose that like me, I lost that,
that was it for me, you know. And there's no
one else on this planet that gets that because your
parents get it from their parenting place. It's a different
place in the family, right, And so I think this

(01:01:02):
is really an important episode during this time because a
money is horrible for people. B Addiction is rampant. See
you know this time timeframe and d I think you
know it shows the pain goes on in the future
and posterity where we have to say you are worth it.

(01:01:23):
You may think your life will mean nothing. You may
think that you mean nothing. You may think that your
death won't cause any harm to anybody but yourself. You
are absolutely wrong. Because everybody I've ever known that has
had somebody die just suddenly, even if it was like
a car accident or whatever, it takes a toll on
about ten people. And you know that loss of a

(01:01:49):
sibling is something extra. And so just remember that you
are important. That God placed you here and he didn't
take you from this earth yet because you are that
important and everybody's lonely, everybody feels like a failure. Like
if we all quit acting like we all have our
shit so together, we might actually help some people. Which

(01:02:11):
is why I speak, and this is why I go
as raw as I do, which I appreciate you both doing,
because it is not easy to get up here or
anywhere and lay your life there. But if it will
save somebody, you got it.

Speaker 2 (01:02:26):
Yeah, And that's why I said, I appreciate you giving
your testimony. So many people, you know, hundreds of thousands
of people will hear your testimony and want to wake
up and thanks. We're all for sharing as well, because
you know, I know it's a loss for a brother
or a sister or a sibling is tough because somebody
broke it down they said, there's only one relationship from

(01:02:48):
the womb to the tomb, and it's your sibling. And
you know, when you get that taken away or you
you know, it's tough, you know, And for me, like
I said, I definitely felt that loss and I'm still
grieving and dealing with it. It's my first holidays without them,
so I'm still trying to figure that out. But you know,
the grace of God and just been real busy this

(01:03:10):
last season, so that helps. But I still think about
him every day, so you know, I appreciate you guys
sharing that. And then, like you said, we just got
to be mindful share our stories. You know, that was
one of the reasons why I told r All to
make sure he doesn't stay away too long because his
story is powerful from loss, drug addiction and everything else.

(01:03:31):
Man like dealing with that jumping around and but see,
but people need that. That's what we want, that realness,
and you're in It's not even that, it's the fact
that you you're coming back from that and you're willing
to talk about it. Because we're not transparent at all.
Our society is we smile on our Instagrams and we
smile on our facebooks, and behind all those smiles are

(01:03:51):
a lot of broken and shattered hearts. And that's one
thing we're not good at is being transparent, because that's
how you, like you said, we get the help. You know,
we're we get so prided before we forget we can
ask for help and we could speak in to other
people and I thank god I got people. I can
call and talk to and that check on me and
vice versa. You know, it's it's just relationships go both
ways because some people go, man, I look at the phone.

(01:04:12):
They still ain't called. But it's like, yeah, but it
works both ways. You could dial out too, you know that, right.
And there's a lot of times like especially this time
of the year, there's family members. We got to dial out.
We got it. We can't be afraid as to what's
on the other side. And you know, there were some
connections for a season that to me, I still called
when I knew I probably shouldn't. They probably didn't want
to hear from me, But I called anyway because I

(01:04:35):
love you. You know, I love you guys, and I
don't want people to think that, you know, whatever might
be there, I want to reassure them there's nothing there.
I don't go to I don't lay my head down
with any animosity. You could ask my wife. I ain't
holding nothing like I don't. I got told you before.
We're all even in the d N Like if you
DM us and talk crazy and it, I promise you

(01:04:58):
I will not lose a a nanosecond of sleep because
God is good. I got my children I got my wife,
and he's always going to be good. Rather if my
life is good or not, he's still going to be good.
And I love God, and you know, I trust in him.
I trust that there'll be restoration, and I trust that
he's got my back.

Speaker 4 (01:05:20):
Well, and for anybody out there too, Joe, I told
the story before we went live. Job lost every child
he had in one second a building fell on him
and they all died. And everybody talks about how Job
was reinstated and fixed again and brought back to glory.
But those kids weren't the same kids. They never are.

(01:05:41):
So I always tell people when I feel bad or whatever,
like we all get in those times. You know, people say, well, oh,
she doesn't seem affected. This one is more affecting to
me because all three of us are kind of in
that same thing, and I think God orchestrated that, to
be honest. But you know, sometimes when I talk about it,
I don't get super emotional. It's been a lot of

(01:06:02):
years since since he's passed. But also I always want
people to know, like you said, it can be a facade.
They don't judge people just because one person cries or
the next time they don't or whatever the case may be,
because it may be just a more raw time, right,
Like that's that's just truth. But also you don't have

(01:06:24):
to enable people to do what he just said and
be like, you know what, brother, I love you, you know,
I hope you get better. You know, Raoul, you said
that too, like you never gave up, like you kept
saying like you got to change, but I'm not going
to enable you. And I love you, you know. And
I was, like you said with my brother too, I'd
had enough of it. I was getting called over there

(01:06:44):
every other night in middle of the night. I got
my own family, like cops and every it was not
It was a lot, you know. And the one thing
is is I know probably that people say, like, what's
the last thing you ever said to somebody? Mine is
always love you if I say it one thousand times
a day. Cool.

Speaker 2 (01:07:03):
Yeah, yeah, that's what I teach my kids. My mom
actually really instilled that me and my brother, so we
would always like every text, all right, I love you, bro,
love you, love you, even if even though we kind
of had a disagreement, all right, man, love you though. Sorry,
I love you though. Man. I just want you to
know that because we don't know when the last time
will be the last time, you know, and that's just

(01:07:24):
what it is. And we can't control that. We never will.
We don't know when we'll We've had, you know, we've
had guys visitors come to church this year, drove their
motorcycle the next week. First time they came to church,
Gary like Jesus boom gone, like that's it. No second,
Thank god they came, you know, thank god they decided
let me go check in, let me say tell the
Lord I love him, and let me accept him. Because

(01:07:46):
you know what I always tell people, I go, look, man,
when you look at the three on the cross. He
didn't tell the dude, hey, you need to go get
off this cross, go get baptized. You need to go
get go see the priest, go get right and then
hop back on the cross, and then I'll take you
to be with me in Paradise forever. No, he didn't
say that. He didn't beat him down. He just said
the guy said, hey, would you remember me? And Jesus said,

(01:08:08):
I'll remember you. You'll be with me in my father's
house forever. So that's it. It's not like we gotta
we don't have to hold anything over anybody's head. You know,
one of the most powerful things I think I've learned,
and I'll pass it back to you. Raoul is in
Romans chapter eight. You know, Paul, he teaches us there
there's there's the law of life and death, and there's

(01:08:29):
the law of the spirit. But what he also says
is there's no condemnation in Christ Jesus we will not
there's no cond If you feel condemned, if you feel
like anxious that hey, they're judging me, you'd have to
remind yourself there is no condom. That's why what we
do is so powerful. And I believe, HAIDI, that's why
you have so much freedom as you're living that expression

(01:08:50):
of there's no I'm not condemned anymore. I'm actually more
freer than I ever have, having failed marriages, having failed
you know, adolescent years, having failed grandma, whatever. But it's
okay because there's no condemnation in Christ. Not that you've
given a pass, but you became a better your ladder
is greater. And I believe that's all we have we
take away from Joe or Neverknezzar, or or even Paul

(01:09:13):
the Apostle because Paul was like, I'm dirty. He's he
called himself the chief center. He's like, when it comes
to messing up, you can't mess up worse than me.
He's like, I'm the worst. He's like, I'm I make
the worst look bad. I actually burn people alive and
tar pits and hung them upside like he was the worst.
But yet he said, christ still loves me, and that

(01:09:34):
became his burden was He's like, I jacked it up
so bad. I want to turn it around and give
and extend others. You know that love that I received.

Speaker 4 (01:09:43):
That's what we all have to do. We have to
turn it around, and we all have to stop being
this little fake game.

Speaker 2 (01:09:49):
You know.

Speaker 4 (01:09:50):
That's why I named my podcast what I did unfiltered,
is you're warning rises because you can rise above it.
You know, you don't have to remain down in the
day of where you were. Because I still have a
kid that it's going on seven years now that she
don't talk to me. You know, I'm the worthless, toxic,
horrible parent, you know, And it doesn't matter what mistakes

(01:10:13):
I made or what I'm sorry for, or the fact
that I completely had no clue what I was doing
and was abused, and all kinds of problems in my
own It doesn't matter anymore. Like, you know, every time
I get on a podcast and talk about my daughter,
somebody says, you know, her daughter won't talk to her.
She's probably a horrible person. She's got to be on drugs,

(01:10:33):
she's got to have this, she's got to have that.
And I'm like, listen, no, she has a husband that
told her I was no good and she left, not
just me, but the entire family. So you know, sometimes
bad things happen to people for no good reason. Was
I perfect? No? Do I have some sories to tell
that girl. I'm certain of it. I can think of

(01:10:54):
ten right this second, like bam bam, bam bam. And
for the first year of our estrangement, that was all
I did. I could not get out of my own head,
and I didn't be there for my other kids, which
is horrible. That's even worse because now I am the
bad mother. She said, like, oh, it's just like so bad, right,
because then I was checked out completely, just crying constantly.

(01:11:18):
I couldn't. I mean, I was doing the things like
the dishes and the dinner, but I wasn't emotionally available
because every time one of my kids would say, hey, Mom,
I love you, I'll never leave you, I'm like, that's
what your sister used to say.

Speaker 2 (01:11:32):
Yeah, no, that's I'm glad you brought that up. Not glad,
I mean going through that, but yeah, you know, but
now we so some context. My brother was estrange to
his son for the last I think four to five
years so on his passing, so when he stayed with me,
he kind of he had some old friendships that he
was we talked about, and we also talked about the

(01:11:54):
estrangement with his son that he was, you know, trying
to reach out back to him and get back, you know,
track him down. And he knew that his siblings, their siblings,
his other daughters had communication with him, but it did
you know. One of the things that that really weighed
heavy was that relationship. And you know, I'm not sure
your daughter's name, and you don't obviously have to share it,

(01:12:16):
but I do hope that she reaches back out to you,
because the only thing you lose is time, and you
can't get it back. Something happens to you, something happens
to her.

Speaker 4 (01:12:24):
That's it.

Speaker 2 (01:12:25):
That chapter's closed. And I know that the person you
are today knows how to operate in that and navigate
that relationship one hundred times better. So I pray and
I hope that she will open that door and extend
that olive branch, because you know, we only get one
shot at this life and then the judgment then you
got ettorney, but this life, you only get one shot.

(01:12:46):
So I do hope, you know, that she'll be able
to hear and reach out reach out to you.

Speaker 4 (01:12:51):
With my mom, you know, with my parents, and you
heard my story. My upbringing was. I mean, they took
me away in the nineties, even happened, nobody even cared.
But like then that's serious, you know. And and here's
the thing, I could be bitter and angry, and you
know what, I think I was for a long time,
and it came out to that daughter because she was

(01:13:13):
the oldest, you know, she was there during all the mess, right,
and my dad had been in prison, and my mom
had all these problems and like all this stuff and
and my mom, you know, she is hard for me
because I'm nothing like her. Like she's like a foreign entity.
Like she's really emotional, and like I'm emotional right now,

(01:13:34):
but I'm a very logical research motivated. I always say
I'm just a guy in my brain, like I literally
understand men and women. I'm like, ah, what do I do?
And then of course I had four girls like oh,
and so it's like God teaching me too and laughing.
But you know, I always say I wasn't emotional enough

(01:13:55):
because if they had a problem, I'm like, well, I
took care of a guy today that got cut open
and then had cancer over like I didn't. I wasn't
empathetic because I was this hard core nurse that was like,
you know, well you did you die? I mean I was.
I was kind of bad that way, And and I
had these sensitive children, these all these kids one is

(01:14:17):
not the rest pretty much are, and I didn't understand
how to work with that on any level. And then
on top of it, you know, I became a wife
at seventeen, like I didn't know what I was doing.
And I was a mom to six kids before I
was thirty. So wow, yeah, yeah, this is why I
got three grandkids already, you know. And I think with death,

(01:14:42):
it's such a permanent thing that there is a part
of you that you can accept it and you can
say this happened, and I have to greet this. But
with your child or your brother or sister, whoever, if
they estranged from you, you literally know they're there, and
everything in me wants to go there, like cause you know,
I told you before, like I'm a little sassy. But
her husband doesn't like me already. And I think that's

(01:15:05):
why I got the boot, because I was too bold,
you know, really honest, I think I just talk. I
don't always even remember everything I say. Sometimes my husband
will say, you said this thing on this podcast. I'm like,
that's nice, Like I don't even remember sometimes, you know,
and he's like, yes, you do, and I'm like, oh,
I really don't like Sometimes stuff just comes out of

(01:15:25):
there and I don't know. And so I think, you know,
I got the boot because of that. I rubbed him
the wrong way. We didn't get to even work through
it because he just cut it off, you know. And
me and her were always best friends, so I thought
obviously she had some feelings that she didn't feel that
she could come to me and share, you know. But
my second daughter, now all of this stuff is happening,

(01:15:48):
and she's been going through some therapy, and I always
tell her like, dude, if you want to just take
me in there and read me like I don't even care,
just don't leave, you know, like I'm I messed up
so much stuff like you're not wrong, you know, I'm like,
I am so sorry. And she even says like I
see how you are with the little kids, and you're like,

(01:16:10):
I have a little jealousy there because you're such a
different mom. You know.

Speaker 2 (01:16:14):
That's kind of what I was saying about your husband. Though,
oh yeah, I'm sorry. I was like, going back, I go,
but that's a good point about you know, like I
got saying your husband got he got to see when
you sometimes if you're if you have any like an
air of decency in you, you kind of know like, okay,
I jacked that up, right, Can I be real? So
when you got another relationship, you can glean back on

(01:16:36):
what you how you were and how I could do
things better. It sounds like your husband got it right
the second time, you know, to the end, and then
sounds like we parented.

Speaker 4 (01:16:44):
My son will be eighteen in three weeks. Yeah, two
and a half. We co parented. We both looked at
each other and said, I don't hate you, dude, let's
not ruin our kid's life, okay, because we both had
split families and we didn't and I am so proud
of that. He was my really good friend until he
got married to this next lady because I guess she
doesn't like me, and that's okay. Look, you can't make

(01:17:05):
everybody happy. You just sometimes have to accept it, you know.
And and that's okay too. But like we used to
be so tight that I literally used to tell my
husband now, if anything bad ever happens to him and
he's still single and he's old, I have to take
him back and he has to live here, you know, right.
And my husband's like, what the crap? Like I'm like,

(01:17:27):
only if he's like sick and dying the l yeah,
and he's like, okay, whatever.

Speaker 1 (01:17:32):
Waco, Oh wow, wow, I saw. I'm a fly on
the wall for all that. And same thing is what
happened when I share with my what happened with my
brother losing his life. So this is unfiltered, rising firmamental,
and this is unscripted, and I can tell man, and

(01:17:54):
you know what, I know the Lord is blessing the
new season, and he's honoring the fact that we honor
him because I know when the Holy Spirit shows up.
I just know, I know, I know, I know because
I have an intimate relationship with him. And it's funny.
I guess the Lord wants me to share something else
that I really didn't plan on sharing. But you talked
about having a child that's a strange from you and

(01:18:17):
doesn't doesn't want to talk to you right now, And
I got the same thing going on in my life
and I didn't plan on talking about it on this episode.
But you know what, I think that the Lord's bringing
all this darkness into the light because there's a lot
of people out there listening or who are going to
listen to this episode that need to hear this stuff.

(01:18:37):
And just like you said, people might judge you and say, oh,
Heidi must be a horrible person if her daughter doesn't
want to talk to her, you know what I mean.
But let me tell you I got a similar situation
going on in my life, and without getting giving too
much information, here's what I will share. You know, I
think the firmamentalists are pretty aware that I left the

(01:19:00):
state that I was in and I'm living in a
new state, Okay, and it's been a I stepped away
from the podcast for six months, and I spent a
lot of intimate time with Jesus during during those six months,
besiding where I wanted to take my life. And during
that time, I decided first and foremost I wanted to

(01:19:21):
follow him. And in order to follow him, truly, I
had to I had to let go of things. And
I have two biological sons and then two step sons
from from my ex, you know, and and they lost
their dad recently to drugs as well, and I still
keep contact with them. I still talk to them, you know.

(01:19:45):
I send things here and there, you know, little gifts,
a little bit of money, whatever, just to just to
let them know I care. And even though that they're
not my biological sons, my are my They're not my
biological sons, my biological sons, that's their app brothers, even
though I'm not their dad, you know. So like I
still have this relationship with them. But it's funny because

(01:20:06):
my oldest son, out of all of them, he hasn't
wanted to talk to me. And it's been I don't
know now, probably about six months, you know, And I
don't know if he's blocked me on his phone or
he just completely ignores my messages or whatever. And it's
not because I don't continue to try to reach out
to him, whether it's a through a scripture, a message,

(01:20:27):
a voice message, a song. Hey dude, I'm here whenever
you want to talk. He knows that the invitation is open.
And he knows because I've contacted his mom and his
grandma and I say, hey, look, you know like in
order for us to repair our relationship, you have to
give me the opportunity. And look, I take accountability because
I think too. He saw me change with his younger

(01:20:48):
brothers because when he was when he was first born,
he's my first child. He saw the shenanigans, he saw
the crazy, He saw my crazy life. He was exposed
to it. You know, there's things that I did in
front of him that I feel so guilty about bringing
him around. You know, things that he should have not
been exposed to, addictions that I had in my life,
you know, things that were around that he might hold

(01:21:10):
a little bit of resentment for. But then there was
also a period of his time when he was a
teenager and he was too much for his mom to
handle and he had to come live with me, and
I was that tough love that he needed at that time,
and because I had been through so much, he couldn't
pull the wool over my eyes and trick me. And
I was like, hey, dude, I know exactly what you're
doing and I ain't gonna play that. And you know,

(01:21:31):
I'm still I'm still physically able. And there was there
was a couple of times where, you know, as a
young teenager and he was taller than me, you know,
he wanted to challenge dad, and I said, okay, well,
but I think this is the mistake that I made
with him before, was I tried to be his friend
and his dad. Now that I've had this transformation with Jesus,

(01:21:51):
I'm no longer interested in being his friend. I'm just
interested in being his dad alone, because I realized he
didn't need a friend, he needed a dad. And a
lot of the times I was like, I was that
guy that was like, oh, you know what I mean,
I'm gonna take my We're gonna go fishing. And it's okay,
you know, because my uncle's and my you know, my
older brothers. You know, my dad had already could drink vote.

(01:22:11):
You know, they hear, they throw you a beer and
you're cracking a beer and you think it's the coolest thing,
drinking beers with your uncle's on a camping trip around
the campfire, fishing or whatever. And you know what, I'm
guilty of doing some of that stuff with my son
when I was young, you know, like here, dude, you
want a beer, come drink on with your dad. You know.
But I'm at a completely different place in my life now,
you know. But I think that he was really upset

(01:22:32):
about this move because he feels like I left his
younger brother. But for me, the chapter was closing on
one era of my life, and I had just went
through so much dove paling off the laws of my
brother and you know, losing my county job and career
changes and what was going on with the podcast and

(01:22:53):
all the things that God was placing on my heart,
all the backstabbing that I went through from the truth community,
you know, to like, I had so much stuff going
on and then still secretly battling with things that I
needed to leave behind. But I wasn't willing to nail
to the cross yet, and I just you know, I
felt the need for change, and it was hard, and

(01:23:15):
it still is hard, and I have. I still have
this active relationship with my with my other sons, my
youngest son, you know, And right now it's physically not
there with them, but you know it is. I'm working
a lot. I'm able to send more than just what
I pay in child support. I'm sending above and beyond that,
you know. But also what I know is that they
don't have just a dad for a season another season,

(01:23:37):
like they got a dad who is now walking with Jesus,
actually really took ownership of the mistakes that he's made,
is willing to admit to them. And now when they
come around me, they're going to see a dad that's
more patient, more kind, more generous, more loving. And I
know they'll see the difference. And all these people that
don't know me and don't understand my circumstances, they could

(01:23:58):
say or judge me however they want. They can paint
me however they want. I know the truth, And as
long as I know, I'm doing the best that I can,
and I keep trying, and I keep walking with Jesus.
I know that he honors that. And I believe in God.
I believe in Jesus. He is a way maker, and
I trust him with my children. And I said, Lord,
I'm physically not there all the time right now, but

(01:24:19):
I trust them with you, and I trust that you
will take care of them and you'll keep them under
your protective wing. And I'm always there. I'm always available,
even though it might not be physically now. But when
the season comes for them for us to re enter
into each other's lives, they have a dad who will
be beset, not only emotionally.

Speaker 4 (01:24:40):
But you're not helpful that anybody's sick, you know, yeah, yeah, yeah,
you have to flee the situation. Like the first thing
they'll tell you when you go to AA or anything
is you have to flee these people that are bringing
you down. You can't be around your homies and these
people that can get you, they don't get it, and

(01:25:01):
you have to go. You know, you can't stay in
the pit when you're not healthy and well. And also therapists,
and I'm sorry and I do agree with therapy, but
I will say this, for this season of the world,
everybody's a toxic narcissist. Now, everybody's toxic. So here's what
we do with the toxic people. We throw them in

(01:25:22):
the trash. What since when? Because that doesn't fix anything,
first of all. Second of all, they'll and they do this,
they do this cut off therapy. You're not the only one.
I'm not the only one. Mine mine literally told me,
don't call me if you come here, I'll arrest you,
like everything off, like socials every I'm not allowed to
see her on the face of the planet, okay, and

(01:25:43):
I don't. And the first thing I wanted to do
was fly there and say no, no, ma'am. And my
husband said, you'll be the crazy lady. She said you
were if you fly there, And so I prayed, you know,
and and I kept praying, like when will be the time? God, like,
come on, like it's been a really long time, you know.

(01:26:05):
She got married, I wasn't there. She had a baby,
I wasn't there. Like she doesn't forgive me. I thought
maybe when she became a parent, she could forgive me,
like I forgave my mom, you know. But it hasn't happened,
and I've had to accept that in this lifetime it
might not. And I hope it will. I pray it will.
But we don't get to choose because sometimes it's not

(01:26:28):
about us. Sometimes it's about that person, and they're going
through something that you're gonna screw completely up. If you
come in and be superman and try to save the day,
you know you can't. But also therapy, if your therapist
has you cut off your family, you are now a
client for life forever.

Speaker 1 (01:26:49):
So yeah, yeah, so crazy. So in response to that,
because I totally relate to what you're saying, and you
can't control the situation. And if you can control this,
try to control this situation, it could actually have a
more negative effect than a positive one. And I feel
the same way with what's going on with my oldest son.

(01:27:11):
You know, I've got to this point where I I
I continue to try to reach out, but just because
I want him to know that the lifeline and I
just haven't given up and he knows that, and maybe,
you know, I need to write a real lengthy, handwritten letter.
There is something about that, But because I don't, because

(01:27:34):
I don't want to. I don't want to. I don't
want to stay, you know, just on this one thing.
But I did want to say as far as where
I'm at with God and where I'm at with dealing
with not being able to control this situation, because it's
funny because my other sons. I love you, Dad, I
miss you. And look I'm making I'm working really hard,
and I've saved up some vacation time because I'm planning

(01:27:55):
a trip back home for the holidays, you know, to
spend with them. And I have seen my youngest son
has come down here a few times spend some time
with me here and there. You know, we've met up.
We've been able to spend some time and like I said,
we FaceTime all the time on the phone, like it's
not physically there. But you know, I know that I'm
coming into a new season where where though no, but

(01:28:18):
there might be a time when they need that and
they need to come be with me. Well now I'm ready.
Now you know, I'm engaged to get married. Now I'm
walking with the Lord. I get married. I have a home,
I have a good job. I'm walking. I can show
them the way. I could teach them the path.

Speaker 3 (01:28:33):
You know.

Speaker 1 (01:28:35):
But with my oldest son, you know, which is yeah, yeah,
he needs to open up the dialogue. But I'm not
forcing him. It's when he's ready. But when he's ready,
I'm here. But I trust Jesus so much that I
was twenty two years old, I understand being frustrated. I
understand being mad, I understand being upset, and I understand

(01:28:57):
there's probably unforgiven in his heart. And I am not
the Lord, but I trust in the Lord so much
that I know that one moment, he will, my son
will will He'll have a breakthrough and we will have
a breakthrough and the relationship to men if and I.

Speaker 4 (01:29:15):
Really trusted that God, Yeah, God, I trust anything.

Speaker 1 (01:29:19):
I trust that that will happen. But like you said,
you just said, what if it never does? Now, I
don't think that's the case, because I because I know
yours is.

Speaker 4 (01:29:28):
A different because you have some like he never said,
don't contact me ever again or no.

Speaker 1 (01:29:33):
No, no, no no.

Speaker 4 (01:29:35):
Yours is a little different. Yeah, I think you're yeah.

Speaker 1 (01:29:37):
I just I just think that I think that he
doesn't fully understand. I think he will come to this
point where he understands why I did what I had
to do, because, like you said, I know, working with
drug alcoholics and drug addicts and coming out of it
myself and what happened with my brother and then even
a lot of my friends, you know, even though they
might not have been hardcore, but they still like to

(01:29:59):
drink and do this on the weekends, and I just
I needed a change of environment. I needed I needed it,
I needed a refreshing And is that selfish? Not really,
because I'm doing it for good reasons, because I know
it's life or death, you know, And and uh.

Speaker 4 (01:30:14):
I really not any good for them dead.

Speaker 1 (01:30:16):
Yeah, exactly exactly, And I really do. I know what
I'm doing, and i know my plan and i know
my goals, and I've seen how much far I'm coming
because it's going to be coming up on a year
now of this, of coming up in the holidays is
going to be a year now since I left that situation,

(01:30:36):
you know. And I'm in my current situation now, and
the first six months was so hard, and now this
last six months has got and it's getting better and
better and better and better. But uh, and then there's
still road bumps and dips and stuff here. But I
know and I trust God to heal these situations as
long as I'm putting my hand to the plow and
not looking backwards. Because people can say whatever they want

(01:30:57):
about me, but if I know that I'm moving forward
in the kingdom and giving my best, God is going
to honor that.

Speaker 6 (01:31:04):
Yeah, I can't control what's going on with my son,
but I know that he can, and as I what
I gotta do is do the best that I can
so when he does come back, you can't deny the change.

Speaker 1 (01:31:17):
You can't deny the difference. And you know what, I
will take ownership for all the things that I've done wrong,
but I'm definitely gonna let him know, like, hey, dude,
like I'm not interested in being your friend, I'm interested
in being your dad, you know. And is this and.

Speaker 4 (01:31:30):
Time and alway doesn't heal it? It doesn't like these kids,
like my other daughter always says, well, you know, mom's
changed a lot and you should really talk to mom
or this or that. Oh, I'm I'm sorry. I forgive her,
but i just never want to talk to her again.
I'm fine, And I'm like, is that real forgiveness? Is that?
Like I'm sorry to say that. In the ten commandments

(01:31:51):
and you can say you're not breaking them all day long,
but honoring your mother and father doesn't happen by just
saying it and not being in their life and just
holding them you know, whatever it is that I need
to work with you, that's not forgiveness. When we forgive
somebody that animosity because I know because my mother was
like this. You know, we had this horrible relationship and

(01:32:14):
the animosity is gone. And sometimes she'll go back to
it and she'll start to cry, or she'll see a
show and she'll say, I'm so sorry, and I'm like, Mom, Look,
I talk about this stuff because people need to hear it.
But at the end, I always say, I love my mom,
and I would be so less happy in my life
without you, and my children are so happy around you.

(01:32:34):
And you know, we all mess up, and it's like
we picked up our stuff and we moved and we
don't go back to that house. We know where it
is and we know what happened there, and we can
talk about it like you do about your childhood house
or something. But you don't live there. You don't live
there anymore. Just like you, You've got to move out
of the problem because you saw what happened to your

(01:32:55):
brother and you're no good to those children gone. You know, Yeah,
it's not healthy behavior, and yeah, we have to do it.

Speaker 2 (01:33:03):
I was going to say, we bring this back to
the to the first fruits. It also in Matthew chapter six,
he talks about if you don't forgive fourteen and fifteen
that you will not be forgiven. That's Jesus again, just
like the rich and ruler, Like you can talk all
you want of faith, but you're praying to a God
who's not going to hear you. He can't. He's if
he's obligated by his word. And he says, the criteria

(01:33:24):
of forgiveness is forgiveness. Forget that you're the mom, Forget
that you're anybody other than another human being who has breath.
That forgiveness is a must. It's not a okay, maybe
I'll do it on my own time. If you do
not forgive, you are not forgiven. Jesus parables about that.

Speaker 4 (01:33:42):
He she says she does, and I'm like, that's not
really forgive us. I'll tell you how stubborn this girl is.
Lightning struck her house the last time.

Speaker 1 (01:33:51):
They're young. They're young, though, and imagine where we.

Speaker 4 (01:33:55):
But God tried, because lightning struck that house. I'm not
I'm not saying for real, but it did. It blew
her whole wall out. But here's the thing. I did
get to tell her on that day because I wrote
the letters and everything. And my problem is interception.

Speaker 6 (01:34:10):
It's not the yeah, yeah, yeah, No, I understand.

Speaker 1 (01:34:13):
There's there's the yeah.

Speaker 4 (01:34:16):
It's an interception thing. But here's the best part. I
gotta say, I love you, and no matter how mad
you are at me, and no matter how much you
hate me, and no matter what you think or do.
Moms don't quit like that, and neither do dads. Like
we don't just all of a sudden say like I
hate you because you did blah blah blah, Like we
don't do that. That's still your parent and I think

(01:34:37):
of her every single day, and you.

Speaker 2 (01:34:39):
Get every day you get sorry, Rob, But I mean,
you're you're talking to somebody who went to multiple, multiple
foster homes as a kid. My mother was fifty one, fifties,
she was she was not a good place, and later
on in life she kind of lost her mind through
and through my childhood to my early adulthood. And it
was tough, man. And you know, I always wished that
the mom I grew up with, I knew who would

(01:35:00):
have the mental breakdowns every couple of years and every
you know, so many six months and then you know,
then it was just straight up bipolar every day and
all this stuff and people you know demonic this and
that maybe maybe not, I don't know, could be a
project ever would who knows, because you know, she was
a product of the government after a while, and they
give you pills and so on. But I wish I

(01:35:21):
would have my mom back, just for a day or two,
or I'd enjoy a meal because it was so up
and down. Remember one time where I just picked her up,
take her out to lunch, cussed me out for nothing,
and then she'd be like, oh, like it just never happened,
and it kind of destroyed me. Wrong with you, Yeah,
but I never I never gave up on her to
the day she died. I always cause you know, she's
my mom, you know, and you get a pass. I'm

(01:35:42):
sorry you do. That's how this works, you.

Speaker 4 (01:35:46):
Know, And you can put boundaries in place, like I
wish for sure didn't need the opportunity to say, hey, lady, uh,
we're getting married now, so you can't talk to us
about ABC or else I'm really gonna not talk to you.
I would have responded a lot differently had I known
that was even on the table, Like I didn't even know.
So it was such a huge abandonment when I had

(01:36:07):
such huge abandonment issues. My mom had mental health issues
like yours. Like that was part of the issue, is
she kept she discharged a firearm in the house and
so that was what brought.

Speaker 2 (01:36:18):
The gunks to.

Speaker 4 (01:36:19):
Yeah, it was bad, and so you know, and then
she did almost complete my in the garage, and you know,
all these horrible things. And and my dad was in
prison for even worse things, okay. And and yet if
I had taken my dad away from my children, like
because you know, your toxic, horrible person, look at you,

(01:36:41):
you know, and not given him the opportunity, my kids
wouldn't have had the blessing of a really good grandpa.
He was a really good grandpa. Same thing happened to
my mom. Her dad was garbage when she was growing up.
And it was so sad the other day because she said,
who was your safe person in your life? And I
started to cry. I said, your abuser. And that is

(01:37:03):
so hard because he wasn't that way with me. Why
because he told her the day I was born, I'm
gonna make it up to her what I couldn't do
for you, you know, because I can't only say sorry to you,
like the childhood is gone, you know, And he was.
He was everything for me. He was all of the things.

(01:37:23):
Plus you know, these people do change. People say nobody changes,
cut them off, they're toxic and horrible. That's not true.
That's simply not true. And if you're the person that
impedes it. In the Bible, two things that it says
in the Commandments about, you know, honoring your mother and father.
It's the only one that comes with the blessing. And

(01:37:45):
the days will be good with you all the days
of your life. It comes with a blessing, first of all.
And second of all, it says you don't abandon your
parents when they get old. You don't abandon It talks
about abandonment, not just honoring at your house, thinking no
bad thoughts of me. That's not what it says. You
know that we have to be people with better integrity

(01:38:05):
than just like what you said before about like even
tithing laws, like it's not the letter of the law.
You know, darn well, you're causing a whole bunch of
pain to some people. And it didn't just happen to me.
All of my kids. That tore apart our family. It
tore up to pieces our family. In almost seven years,
my kids my other kids that were so close have

(01:38:27):
seen her one time once. That isn't a healthy behavior.
And that tells me that you're not having healthy behavior
in your next relationship, and that's not good for you. You know.
Do I want you to get a divorce? No, you
guys need to get to a healthy boundary, like like, hey,
I need to see my family. I get that you

(01:38:49):
don't want to move far away. And she moved clearer
across the country, and I think he was maybe worried
that she wouldn't want to be there. I don't know
for sure because I never got to know him, met
him two times and that was it. You can't judge
somebody on that, you know, you just can't.

Speaker 2 (01:39:06):
And I think there's a culture.

Speaker 1 (01:39:09):
Yeah, no, I was just gonna say real quickly, you
know there there there's true forgiveness and then there's fake forgiveness, right,
and uh, true forgiveness is like true repentance. True repentance
isn't like oh I'm sorry, and then you you know,
you continue to do the same thing over and over.
If I if I go and take something from you
and I say, oh I'm so sorry, you know I'll

(01:39:30):
never do that again, and then I go and do
it again. You know, did I really feel bad for
what I did before? Like true repentance means you you turn.
You said it earlier, you turn from your sin. That
means you turn and you face God, you take ownership
and you say I'm sorry. Now. We still make mistakes,
but you you, you turn from it, and you try
and you fight it and you and you walk away

(01:39:52):
from it, okay, Like you don't keep doing the same
thing over and over, you know. And and true forgiveness
is the same way. Like true forgive. This is different.
It's really like, hey, I don't have to forget, but
but I'm called to forgive, and I'm gonna choose not
to let this weigh me down anymore. I give it up.
I give up trying to carry this around. I forgive you.

(01:40:13):
And it doesn't mean that like you have to be
my best friend now, or you have to just you know,
all the include me in every aspect of your life
or whatever, but just simply like I'm done carrying this,
and I release it and I'm sorry, and I release
it from you and I release it from me. And
there's there is something spiritual that happens when that happens,

(01:40:33):
when real forgiveness happens, when real repentance happens, it changed.
It can change people. It can change lives, and people
can change. People can change, you know. And just because
you know, I was a very different guy twenty years
ago than I am right now, I'm even a different
guy now than I was a year ago, you know.
And that's probably over the last year has been the

(01:40:55):
most change in my whole life. I know that sounds crazy,
but it probably has. And it's because this. I've also
pressed into my faith way harder than I ever had before.
And I've been a Christian for over twenty years. But
I'm not playing around anymore because God straight up said, hey, dude,
you're either hot or cold. I'm done with this lukewarm.
I'm gonna spit you out. You either stand with me
or just go live in the world completely like for real.

(01:41:17):
That was where I was at in my faith. It
was either commit one hundred percent or commit to doing
the same thing I was doing before there was no
more playing games. And that's where I'm at now. But
you know, I do know that people can change. And
that's why my oldest son, I think, is so hard
on me is because, like I said, he saw all
the shenanigans and then he sees me with his younger

(01:41:38):
brother just so loving, you know, and like I'll guess
my son on the face and say I love you
fifty times and tell him how beautiful he is, you know.
And I'm very affectionate, you know. And that's something I
chose to do because my dad he didn't tell me
I love you till like he was like near his deathbed,
and then he finally mustard the words I love you.

(01:41:58):
Like my dad was the type of guy he just
go like that and like rub the hair on my
head and pat me on the back, like I could
remember a few times when my dad actually grabbed me
and hugged me. My dad just came from a generation
where men just weren't affectionate, and I remember how that
would make me feel because I just wanted to sit
in my dad's lap and throw my arms around him,
and that just wasn't his thing, you know what I mean.

(01:42:19):
So I broke that cycle, and I'm the opposite with
my kids. I'm like, get over here, let me, you know,
And I kissed my sons, you know what I mean.
And I'm not ashamed of that, you know.

Speaker 4 (01:42:30):
But true forgiveness, you would want to be with your
family like he had no animosity for his mother because
really it was nothing for you, you know what I mean,
Like when you don't care anymore because you've really let
it go, then there would be nothing impeding that relationship, honestly.

Speaker 1 (01:42:47):
Yeah. Yeah, And I tell I just say, I've been
telling people that I've a few people that I've been
witnessing to. You be the change, Like you're upset about
your coworkers and your circumstances at work, but don't just
act like them. Be the co worker that you wish
you had. Don't just act like them. Be be the
bigger person, because God won't honor that you don't, you know.

(01:43:08):
You Be the parent that you wish that you had,
Be the brother or sister that you wish you had.
Like if you approach all your situations in your relationships
that way, you're really gonna grow. Like, stop for a
minute and think about what you would want and then
try to become that. That's that's what it's all about.

(01:43:28):
And uh a, Adrian, I'm gonna pass it back to you.
We're gonna have to wrap it up because man, my
device is dying, and I drink a bunch of coffee
and I think we've been going for a while. But
I know what's crazy is like, see, that's what happens
when you freestyle and let the spirit flow. And I
thank you so much Heidi for coming on today, because
like this was real, This was real raw, and this
was really unfiltered. And you know when you show up,

(01:43:51):
things get real and we're real people with real problems.
And I hope it comes across because we there ain't.
There ain't one ounce of fakeness in this podcast, not one.

Speaker 2 (01:44:00):
He said he's done, but he ain't done. He ain't done.
Go ahead, you.

Speaker 1 (01:44:03):
Guys can think what you guys can think whatever you
want about us, you know what I mean. But I
love you anyways. I love you anyways.

Speaker 3 (01:44:11):
Yeah.

Speaker 2 (01:44:11):
No, I mean, if you made it this far, we're
about an hour and forty five into it. But I
just do want to say a couple of things and
bring it all back to first fruits. You know, God
repented in Genesis for making man, but yet he gave
his very Heaven's very best for our salvation, meaning for
our repentance, our salvation, our forgiveness. He gave his very best.

(01:44:33):
So if you say, like, hey, I'm not deserving of it,
my mom's not deserving of it, my dad doesn't deserve it. Well,
the Bible says that God picked the Israelites because they
were the least of the least, meaning they weren't worried,
they weren't worthy of what He had for them, but
yet he chose them. We don't even choose our family,
so we have who we have. But if we give

(01:44:55):
our first fruits and honor God like he honored us,
good things are going to happen. Just trust God, trust
the process, and I think I know, I know you
will be blessed. So I will leave you with that.
God is good and uh yeah, we'll see you on
the next episode.

Speaker 1 (01:45:11):
No, Heidi, Yeah you got you got a final thoughts
because I got one more?

Speaker 4 (01:45:18):
Okay, yeah yeah, and I'll let everybody know too. You
can find me at the Unfiltered rice I'm everywhere podcasts
are served. You can find me at Unfilteredrized podcast dot
com and if you want more of me on Patreon
for five bucks a month you get two more shows.
Because I hate cutting anything, I don't I just don't
like doing anything like that. So I just reward those
who want more and best place to find me also

(01:45:40):
on socials as Instagram and x I'm pretty active on
both of those social platforms. If you want to talk
to me, I'll answer your email. I try to answer
people back all the time. So if you need help
on that, I'm not a therapist, but I definitely can
you know, give a couple of words of advice and
pray for you or whatever that way. As for me,
my last parts on this, this has been really good

(01:46:03):
and really rewarding. I do think God, Well, I know
God brought this together for three people that have lost
their brothers. Like there's no way that wasn't constructed by God. Also,
you know a lot of the things that we have,
like me and you are having the same thing with
our eldest children. Me and him have the same kind
of thing with our mom. You know, forgiveness is a

(01:46:25):
thing that it means it completely goes away as if
it never happens, So it wouldn't keep you from anybody,
and it wouldn't you wouldn't hold No, there's no check
mark of until you're this perfect right that that doesn't
work for human beings and so someday, if I am
lucky enough to see my daughter again, it will be

(01:46:46):
no different than the prodigal son, and I'll be happy
to throw the door open and throw the dinner, you know,
and I'll be just happy to see you. I mean,
but you're just you know, you have to understand, you know,
the things you do sometimes come back on you, and
you don't want to have that happen in your relationship
with your child, because it just keeps continuing in these

(01:47:07):
generational curses. Really honestly, it needs to stop, and we
all need to just you know, grow in love and
have God first. And if it was that, if God
was first, and everything we do, like there would be
no exclusivity or like you can't come and you're not worthy,
and God doesn't do that. God just doesn't do that.

(01:47:29):
So we're all worthy, and He does choose which people
we are united to in family. I truly believe that,
like I believe that when he creates the spirit that
he creates there, that it's not just some wacky science
project that he makes that that family bond for a reason.

(01:47:50):
You know, this is why adopted kids go find their
real families and other people and you know, not to
say we're not all good and adoption as well, but
like it means something to those people. And I think
it's really important, number one, that we do stick together
as families, but also as brothers and sisters in Christ

(01:48:11):
as in the adoption of Christ together as brothers and sisters,
which we've done often. And I'm happy first time here,
but with Raoul multiple times, and I'm happy to always
be raw and real because I really truly believe it
will touch people. You know, honestly, if God, like I said,
if he makes me, he can make a donkey do this.

(01:48:32):
I mean, yeah, he could do that. So I hope
I'm not in that class. But goodness sakes, he sure
has led me where I need to be, and He's
created miracles for me in my life. I know he
can create miracles in your life. And I know he's
done it in Raoul's life. You know, it sounds like
he's working on your life as well. You just had

(01:48:52):
a big blessing. So I just continue to hope that
we're all really blessed in this holiday season coming up.
You know that we the things that we need to
to keep our mind right and to be giving and
charitable and fruitful and just you know, broken hearted. You know,
church just for the sinners. I hate to tell people this,

(01:49:14):
you know, the forgiveness is there for us like poor Paul. Yeah,
you know, I'm not quite the worst of the worst,
but I was pretty bad there for a while. So
you know, we all change. And so I never did
any crimes like that, but like just the way I acted,
you know, I used to say, I'm still gonna do it.

(01:49:35):
I'm gonna make a shirt that says I'm sorry for
what I said when I was Morman because I was mean.

Speaker 1 (01:49:40):
I was mean.

Speaker 4 (01:49:41):
I wasn't like a sinner like outwardly like, oh I'm
gonna go steal things or hurt people like on purpose.
But I just didn't care. I just was so abrasive.
And I have learned to let that go. And it does.
It changes your life. You know, you can bless others
with even just your presence. Like you said, you can

(01:50:03):
tell when people are in the spirit, you know, and
it sharpens iron, it really does. So with that, I
hope everybody's well out there. If you do need help,
there are so many suicide and drug abuse hotline numbers.
Search them out in your local area and get help today.
So that's it for me.

Speaker 1 (01:50:22):
Yeah, thank you. In one last thing, I think Adrian
said it best, like God gave us his best when
he sent his son here to earth with his earthly ministry,
and he died for our sins. You guys, there's nothing
greater than a relationship with the living God, the one
who rose from the dead, the only God that rose
from the dead, the one that history supports that he
actually existed and his spirit is alive. It was the

(01:50:46):
Holy Spirit was present here today on this podcast. And
I thank you Jesus so much for what happened, because
there's somebody out there that needed to hear this. And
I don't want to give God my scraps. I want
to give him my best, and I would want to
use the talent that he gave me to glorify him.
It's not about me, It's about him, and that's what
we stand for here. One last thing I wanted to
share with you guys because you were talked about Romans

(01:51:09):
eight and I had something pulled up on Romans eight
and this is for our loved ones that we lost.
But it says Romans eight verses thirty eight through thirty nine.
For I am persuaded that neither death, nor life, nor angels,
nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come,
nor height nor depth, nor anything created anything shall be

(01:51:32):
able to separate us from the love of God, which
is in Christ Jesus our Lord. Even death cannot separate
us from our loved ones, and death cannot separate us
from God's eternal love. You already know what time it is.
You guys, Thank you for joining us. We'll see you
next time. Protect your domes, peace, Peace,

All Episodes

Episode Transcript

Popular Podcasts

Stuff You Should Know

Dateline NBC

Betrayal: Weekly

.css-15opob5{left:0;position:absolute;top:0.8rem;} All Episodes

.css-14f5ked{margin:0;word-break:break-word;display:-webkit-box;-webkit-box-orient:vertical;box-orient:vertical;-webkit-line-clamp:2;overflow:hidden;}245. God Grief & Grace

Episode Transcript

Popular Podcasts

.css-r6mb8g{margin:0;word-break:break-word;display:-webkit-box;-webkit-box-orient:vertical;box-orient:vertical;-webkit-line-clamp:1;overflow:hidden;}Stuff You Should Know

Dateline NBC

Betrayal: Weekly

All Episodes

245. God Grief & Grace

Stuff You Should Know