April 6, 2025 • 29 mins
Pet grief cuts deeper than many realize. When my beloved cat Hermes passed away recently after 16 incredible years together, I found myself grappling with a profound sense of loss that inspired this raw, emotional episode.
The story of Hermes begins in 2009, during a period of personal turmoil when this playful kitten literally ran into my life. Named after the fleet-footed Greek messenger god, Hermes was quick, mischievous, and utterly devoted. He established himself as the alpha cat while remaining incredibly social with humans, winning over everyone with his characteristic headbutts and territorial watchdog-like behavior. Through multiple house moves, the addition of other pets, and inevitable losses along the way, he remained a constant, loving presence.
What makes pet grief uniquely challenging is the unconditional nature of the relationship. Our pets rely on us completely throughout their lives, creating a bond of responsibility and love that deepens with each passing year. When Hermes was diagnosed with probable liver cancer, I faced that impossible decision all pet parents dread - weighing expensive treatments with uncertain outcomes against his declining quality of life. The emotional toll of his final moments, jumping onto my lap after receiving the sedative, highlighted both our profound connection and the heartbreak of letting go.
Our society's "death-defying culture" offers little space for processing pet grief. Companies typically provide minimal bereavement leave for human loss and often nothing for pets, despite their immense importance in our lives. By sharing Hermes' story, I hope to normalize these difficult conversations and remind fellow grieving pet owners that their feelings are valid.
Have you experienced the loss of a beloved pet? What helped you through it? I'd love to hear your stories as we create space for this important conversation about companion animals and the grief that comes with loving them until the end.
Use code USAPTSD15 for 15% off at Querída candle shop, located at 1375 Mineral Spring Avenue in North Providence, Rhode Island. They offer candle making workshops, private parties, sound bowl healings, and more.
Music from #Uppbeat (free for Creators!):
https://uppbeat.io/t/hartzmann/no-time-to-die
License code: S4CEQWLNQXVZUMU4
Artwork and logo design by Misty Rae.
Special thanks to Joanna Roux for editing help.
Special thanks to the listeners and all the wonderful people who helped listen to and provide feedback on the episode's prerelease.
Please feel free to email Matt topics or suggestions, questions or feedback.
Matt@unitedstatesofPTSD.com
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:15):
This podcast is not intended to serve as therapeutic
advice or to replace anyprofessional treatment.
These opinions belong to us anddo not reflect any company or
agency.
Speaker 2 (00:27):
Hey everybody and welcome back to another episode
of the United States of PTSD.
Sorry that there's been alittle bit of a delay between
the last episode and this one.
We are having some difficultieswith guest speakers right now,
as everyone can imagine.
With what I'm going to call thenew regime taking over, people
(00:48):
are a lot more hesitant to speakout right now about particular
issues.
Because of this concern, wehave become more cautious to
also help protect our guests.
So I want to thank all thelisteners and for continuing to
be supportive and understanding,and I will certainly keep
everybody posted as newdevelopments happened.
This will be a solo episode fortoday.
(01:10):
This is one that I unexpectedlydecided to do.
That comes from a very sadplace, so I'm going to be doing
an episode that's both amemorial episode and a story
about pet loss and pet grief.
This may be a difficult topicto listen to, but it is one that
I think is reallyunderappreciated and needs more
(01:32):
attention and discussion in oursociety in general.
As many of you are aware fromprevious episodes, I lost two of
my senior pets in the last twoyears and over the last past
week I said goodbye to my finalsenior cat.
The week prior.
I had actually thought a seniorferret I have also was going to
(01:56):
follow suit.
However, the vet thought shewas better off than I
anticipated.
So there is more time with her.
Anticipated so there is moretime with her.
Pet grief is both raw andpowerful.
I was speaking with Wendy fromseason one the other day.
She also had to humanelyeuthanize her dog last year and
as we talked about it we bothstarted to cry.
(02:17):
Even a year later for her, thewound was just as intense as it
was then.
This led us to talk about whypet grief is so powerful, and I
think one of the reasons forthis is because pets are part of
our family that really love usunconditionally.
Sure, sometimes they can giveus attitude and they can be a
(02:40):
pain in the ass like any otherbeing, but their ability to be
there for us when we're happy orsad, or angry or, you know,
feeling all the emotions, isincomparable, I think, to any
other relationship.
And, secondarily, this is arelationship where, as Wendy
pointed out when I was talkingto her, that they always need us
(03:00):
.
Even as they get old, theycontinue to rely on us for
survival.
On some level they're likechildren that never grow up.
So with that, I want to tellthe story of Hermes.
I will warn you that I mightget emotional on this episode,
but I am going to try to recordit live.
There may be some edits though,because it's still very raw.
(03:25):
But again, like I said, I thinkit's important to do,
especially if we're talkingabout mental health in this
country and just mental healthin general, for us to be okay
with expressing it, even whenit's not something we would deem
as a happy thing.
Here's the story of Hermes.
In 2009, I bought my first house, and it was a scary and
(03:46):
unpredictable time for me.
I was ending a long-termrelationship that continued to
be off and on again for the nextfew years, and this came with,
obviously, lots of turmoil andanxiety and moments where I
questioned.
What I was doing and I thinkthis is something most people
can relate to is living in aplace of uncertainty, but, like
(04:09):
any other time of darkness,there's always light or moments
of light that come out of that.
A few days after I moved in, Iwas looking out my window and I
saw this kitten, without a carein the world, jumping up in the
air trying to catch gnats orwhatever those little bugs are
that fly around during, uh, latespring, I don't know, no seems,
(04:33):
whatever the hell they'recalled.
And uh, I thought I just Iremember watching him while I
was doing some dishes andthinking, oh my god, that's so
freaking adorable.
And being the great pet loverthat I am, of course I wanted to
go outside and see if I couldpet the cat.
So I went outside and the catran away.
As you could anticipate, a fewdays later I was having the
(04:56):
internet installed in my houseand when the Verizon workman
came in, the kitten that wasoutside ran in with him and I
didn't see it.
But I remember him saying to meoh, I let your cat in.
And I was like what cat?
And all of a sudden I see thiskitten running around my house.
He ran back outside prettyquickly.
(05:16):
I remember reaching out to myneighbor because, again, I had
only been there for a coupleweeks, and I said to my neighbor
do you guys have a kitten or doyou have any idea who that
kitten belongs to?
And he told me that the peopleon the other side of him had
just recently moved out and theyhad apparently left the kitten
behind, which is awful.
He told me that him and hispartner were actually trying to
(05:38):
catch the kitten.
They weren't having any luck.
They already had an outdoor catand that cat was missing an eye
and I remember I had asked himabout it and he said well, I
think the cat got attacked bysomething outside and I thought
well, you know, I'm not really afan of, uh, outdoor cats,
especially in the city with thisa high amount of traffic.
(05:58):
So I was like, well, let's seewho can catch the cat first.
And then a couple days later Iwas leaving for work.
We had we were having a staffpotluck, so I was carrying a
crock pot and I opened up thedoor to leave the house and with
my handful the kitten ran inthe house and I remember like,
(06:21):
oh my God, looking and seeingthe cat run down my basement
stairs and, like I said, I wason my way to work and I couldn't
be late.
So I put the crock pot down andI went and I just brought food
and water downstairs and Iclosed off the basement because
I had two cats at the time and,for those of you that are pet
owners, you know you can'treally let a stray cat interact
(06:43):
with other cats because ofdiseases or the potential for
disease.
So I made that decision thatnow that he's in my house for a
second time, he's not leaving.
And uh, it was at that pointthat I thought the name Hermes
would be really fitting, becauseHermes is the Greek God, the
messenger, god, uh, oftenrelated to speed, and this was a
(07:04):
cat that had snuck into thehouse a couple times and was
just like so quick and I justsaid that's it, he's staying.
And he acclimated prettyquickly to the house and to the
other cats Hecate, which was thecat I lost last year, and Dylan
, who, by the way, I did notname, that was the name that
came with him he was.
(07:30):
They were both rescues my uhand he was an older rescue so I
couldn't really change his name.
So my friends used to joke thatum, hecate would like snuggle
up to a, like a criminal thatwalked in the house.
So, um, you know she wasn'treally a good judge of character
, so to speak.
But you know they acclimatedpretty quickly and he became the
alpha cat of the house and thatnever ended even up until he
passed away.
But he was also really socialwith people and he'd be the
(07:54):
first cat to jump on someone'slap and he would do these like
headbutts to you know, likeasking people for attention, and
people just really loved him.
So after him came three othercats which all had their own
stories and I'm not gonnaobviously go into each one of
their stories, but there waswhat was unique about that kind
(08:15):
of that um, group of cats wasthat all six of them would
cuddle and snuggle together.
And I even have a picturesomewhere of me with all six of
them napping on me, which Idon't know.
If you're a cat owner, you youwould know that that's not super
common.
So, uh, the other thing thatwas weird is they were all about
six months to a year apart and,ironically, they almost died in
(08:39):
reverse order.
And again, I'm not going to gothrough each one of them, but
there was one story that stoodout, there was a couple stories
that stood out with him that I Iwant to highlight.
And uh, this was he.
I had two cats from the samelitter that were twin male and
female cats.
They were black and white and Inamed them artemis and apollo.
(09:00):
I'm sure most of you can sensea trend here.
And, uh, I was actuallyhomesick from work one day.
I was laying on the couchwatching TV and I was pretty,
pretty kind of down and out withwhatever it was, and at the
time Apollo was a year old andHermes would have been, I don't
know, maybe three or two, no,probably three at this point,
(09:21):
and the two of them were chasingeach other around the house and
all of a sudden, like right infront of me, the two cats jumped
up in the air and kind of didthis in-air collision and then
fell and Hermes ran away butApollo just kind of stopped and
laid on the ground and Iremember there being a delay in
my my head and I was like whatjust happened?
Because he wasn't moving.
And then I slowly watched himexpand, almost like he was
(09:44):
stretching and I it was at thatmoment that I realized he had
died and of course I was besidemyself.
So I had called my ex at thetime and he was a dick about
many things, but this he was not.
He was actually really greatabout this and I said through
tears uh, I think Apollo is dead, but I I didn't want to check.
(10:05):
So he came over and he checkedand he said through tears, I
think Apollo is dead, but Ididn't want to check.
So he came over and he checkedand he said yeah, unfortunately
he has passed away.
And what they think happened wasthe vet speculated that it was
either he broke his neck fromfalling on it wrong or there was
some sort of brain aneurysm.
But you know, most people don'tdo autopsies on pets.
So I didn't kind of just wentwith what they thought it was.
(10:26):
So I remember being in shockand I just, you know, I didn't
know what to do and he took thecat, he took the body to the vet
and that was.
That was, you know, I guess amoment in Hermes story and my
story that I just wanted toshare.
But I think the other thingthat was interesting was that
because he died there, all theother cats had gone up to him
(10:49):
and sniffed him and I think forthe people who think that
animals don't have feelings orawareness, I think they're sadly
mistaken because in my opinionthose people don't know what
they're talking about.
But anyway, so that was kind ofthe first, uh, first loss.
And hermes, uh.
The other great quality he hadwas man.
(11:09):
He thought he was a pit bullsometimes, let me tell you, he
thought he was the watchdog ofthe house.
He would almost become feral ifhe saw a stray cat go by a
window and he used to like tosit in the basement window and
growl and freak out over anystray cat or neighborhood cat
that he saw.
And there was one day again Iwas at work and he must have
(11:34):
gotten so agitated that he bustthrough the screen.
Because when I came home, threeof the cats were outside in my
backyard just lounging aroundand the screen had been pushed
out and I thought, oh my god.
So he was always, uh, like Isaid, a kind of a, like a pit
bull, and, um, he, you knowabout the next 10 years.
(11:56):
I mean, it was just he capturedeverybody's heart that he came
into contact with and I have achristmas card of that.
I had a picture of him on onetime wearing reindeer ears and
he just looked like he was ohman, he looked like he was the
biggest curmudgeon in the world.
So, um, and everything waspretty good until I sold my
house about 10 years later, andright before I sold the house, I
(12:17):
had a contractor working on oneof the rooms and the contractor
was, I think, not very reliableand had some issues going on
and he was not paying attention.
And Hermes got out and he wasmissing for a good three days
and, as I had said before, Ilived in the city.
So at this point I'm convinced,oh my God, he's been out for
(12:38):
three days.
He's probably dead somewhere.
But I found him.
He was underneath a shrub in myyard just sitting there.
I don't think he moved forthree days and that was his last
major escape.
But that was just hispersonality and, as you can see,
he was aptly named.
Then, when I moved to my newhouse, there was a one time
(13:01):
where the screen door was openand he got out with more cats,
but I did catch them all.
When I bought my new house, thehouse actually came with two
barn cats that the owners theprevious owners had asked me to
take care of, and since then athird stray cat has moved under
my porch because, as you havenot, I'm sure you figured out by
(13:21):
now I am the crazy cat man orthe cat whisperer, I should say.
Anyway, so as he got older,obviously he was still very
territorial, but he became less,um, less so he would love to
sit and, uh, growl at theoutdoor cats.
But if I ever opened the door,which I did one time, he would
(13:41):
love to sit and growl at theoutdoor cats.
But if I ever opened the door,which I did one time, he would
kind of run away from the thecats.
And then, um, over the years,once I bought the new house, um,
they had started to pass awayand last year, as I think I
mentioned on the previousepisode when I said hecate had
passed away, it happened on aFriday.
She was really sick so I had aplace called Lap of Love come
(14:03):
out to the house and they do theeuthanasia at the house and
that was obviously very roughand he never was the same after
that.
So, I think the you know.
The other thing we like to dois pretend that or we tell
ourselves that animals don'texperience grief.
(14:24):
I certainly beg to differ,because he truly did never
recover and he started to loseweight over the past year and
when I took him to the vet acouple weeks ago, they had
diagnosed him with probableliver cancer.
The options were, as you canimagine, incredibly expensive
(14:48):
and they would have onlyguaranteed and would not even
guarantee, they would have onlygiven the possibility of a
little extra time.
And this is one of the worstparts about being a pet owner,
because it's this cost-benefitanalysis that I think is so
difficult.
One thing that I've learnedfrom this is to have pet
(15:11):
insurance on future pets, whichactually both my younger,
because I only have two cats now.
Both of them do have petinsurance.
One of them is a therapy cat Iwould take to the office and the
other one is a crazy cat, butthey both have pet insurance.
So anyway it's.
You know this is a, it's atough thing and you know it's
(15:33):
quality of life.
There was a medication that Icould force feed him that I gave
him for a good week and theyhad told me if it was going to
work.
It would have worked by the endof the week but I saw no change
and it was torturous to give itto him.
(15:58):
It was clear that it wascertainly not making his life
any better and he was insatiablefor food.
But he wasn't actually eatingit.
He would only lick the gravyfrom food packets and sometimes
I would go through seven, eightpackets a day where he would
just lick the packet like lickall the gravy and then leave the
(16:21):
food and he was dehydrated.
So they had given him somesublingual fluids and an IV drip
.
When I brought him in I madethat decision that if he didn't
(16:45):
get better by the end of theweek that I would set up an
appointment for euthanasia.
And again, it's so difficultbecause, as a pet owner and I'm
sure there's plenty of peopleout there who are pet owners we
struggle with being proactiveversus reactive.
You know, I looked up a numberright before I did the podcast
and it said about 85% of peoplewho euthanize pets feel they did
it.
You know, the best thing forthe pet and I think I did in
(17:12):
every case.
But it's never an easy choiceto make and part of the reason
why I'm doing this podcast is tonormalize this and, like I said
earlier, for everybody tounderstand that it's okay to be
sad and it's okay to not be okayand, like I said, with pet
(17:35):
grief and loss, it's somethingwe don't handle well.
This time, I do have to say Ihad quite a few people reach out
and I had the nicest people inthe world send me a care package
of food, like comfort food,which was the most, I think,
(17:57):
incredible thing I've seenanybody ever do.
It 100% brought me to tears.
I was like sobbing when I sawthat.
But anyway, I want to go backto the story for a second.
So when you get to the vet forthose of you who have never done
this, it's really a hardprocess you get to the vet and,
of course, you have to take careof the financial part of it.
First.
There's this thing and ithappens with people too where
(18:19):
sometimes they get better rightbefore the end, and I've had
this happen with multiple pets.
He certainly wasn't better.
His liver values wereincredibly high.
The first time I brought him in, they said that he didn't have
any showing jaundice, but whenthey spun his blood it turned
yellow showing jaundice.
(18:39):
But when they spun his blood.
It turned yellow.
When I brought him back thatday, he they said his skin had
started to turn yellow.
For those of you that don't knowthe process, it's what they do
first is they give a shot thatit's like a sedative.
Basically, my guess is it's alike a high opiate or something.
I'm not sure what it's, whatit's made of, but I would guess
that.
And then what they do afterthat is they um overdose the
(19:04):
animal once the animal'ssleeping.
And it's fairly quick.
Usually it takes less than aminute from.
Well, actually, I should say ittakes a minute from the second
shot, from the first shot.
You have as long as you want,but I struggled, I struggled, I
um kept asking myself if I wasdoing the right thing and.
(19:40):
I think it's not always cut dry.
I told you this might be alittle emotional.
I told you this was going to behard, but it's important and I
(20:07):
think it's relevant to grief, soanyway.
So of course I wassecond-guessing it and looking
for validation from the vets.
And of course they were great,you know, because they said we
can do whatever you think isright, but we think it's either
choice is fine, either choicewould be like a healthy choice.
(20:31):
So you know, you have to thinkabout quality of life, and so I
struggled.
But the worst part, this is theabsolute worst.
It's never easy, and I thinkeach animal comes with a unique
(20:52):
set of challenges, but in thisone, what made it terrible was
when they gave him the firstshot.
He actually jumped off thetable and then jumped onto my
lap and just laid down, and thatwas probably one of the hardest
things I think I've had inthose scenarios.
(21:13):
And then shortly after that, itwas just a couple minutes later
.
We've talked about this a coupleof times.
Our country, the US, doesn'thandle grief well in general.
We live in what's referred toas a death-defying culture,
which means we pretend that itdoesn't exist and we do
(21:35):
everything we can to lookyounger, act young, act younger,
pretend that we're not gettingolder, pretend that there isn't
death looming at some point.
And if you think aboutcompanies in general, they give
about three to five days ofbereavement for a loved one,
which is absolutely nothing.
And if you can imagine how thisimpacts the loss of pets,
because people devalue theirrelationship, the human
(21:59):
connection between people andtheir companion animals, and dr
handel has talked about this onthe episode we did with uh vets
against genocide.
So I think, like I said, Ireally just wanted to normalize
how hard it is and I think thisis something that will hopefully
touch many people and realizethat this is it's a normal, it's
(22:21):
a normal part of grief.
And, like I said, I reallywanted to do this episode to
honor the life of the 16 yearsof life and memories that I had
with Hermes.
He was a great pet, greatcompanion animal.
I was planning on ending thiswith reading the Rainbow Bridge
(22:45):
poem, but I think I wouldtorture myself and I would
torture everybody listening toit, because I cannot listen to
that or even look at it withoutbecoming an emotional wreck.
So, anyway, we're not going todo that.
I do want to end the commercialbreak.
I'm sorry.
I do want to end with acommercial break for a local
business owner.
Tanisha is this lovely woman Imet a few weeks back.
I think I mentioned her also ina previous episode.
It was a candle making shop.
(23:05):
She has a store in NorthProvidence on Mineral Spring
Avenue, or as we in New England,rhode Island, refer to it as
Miserable Spring Avenue becauseof how bad the traffic is.
But she has offered thelisteners a discount code which
is going to appear on thecommercial.
But we have.
She did amend the discount codeto make it easier for people to
(23:25):
access and this is both on thein the person, if you go into
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it on the online store person,or if you use it on the online
store, and the code is the USAPTSD all in capital, one word,
(23:52):
15.
Again, that's USA PTSD 15, allcapital, all one word.
So thank you again for listeningto me, thank you for being part
of that process.
I hope that this was able totouch other people as well and
remember it's normal, it's okayand you know we have to remember
to be there for each other andto continue to spread kindness
and compassion for everybody outthere.
(24:13):
So thank you again, andhopefully in the next couple of
weeks we will have some guestspeakers on board.
We do have five or six lined up.
We just haven't, like I said,been able to solidify it, and we
do have to worry aboutprotecting their safety as well.
And with everything going on,so be well everybody, thank you.
In a world that moves fast,sometimes we forget to slow down
(24:40):
, to take a moment for ourselves, just to breathe.
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(26:06):
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(26:50):
current moment we're offeringsound bowl healings.
Speaker 2 (26:54):
So that sound bowl experience by the way, that was
the first time I had ever doneit before and I have to tell you
I was nervous going in, but Ireally enjoyed it.
And something that you pointedout was when I was doing it the
TV stopped and the car alarmstarted going off outside the
entire time.
So I know I must have beencreating something very powerful
in that moment.
I don't know what it was, butit certainly was something.
Speaker 1 (27:14):
I actually forgot that that happens.
I actually do remember the TVpausing and it's almost like the
universe was saying Matt, takea second to be still and be in
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So could you just telleverybody where the store is and
what the hours are?
Speaker 1 (28:04):
Yes, so we are located on 1375 Minero Spring
Avenue in North Providence,rhode Island.
And our hours of operation?
We're predominantly open on theweekends, from 12 to 9 pm.
We're predominantly open on theweekends from 12 to 9 pm.
Make sure that you come andvisit Querida today, because you
(28:25):
deserve to implement someself-love and some self-care
into your journey.
Speaker 2 (28:27):
Thank you, everybody One more time.
What's the address?
Speaker 1 (28:29):
So it's going to be located at 1375 Mineral Spring
Avenue in North Providence.
Speaker 2 (28:35):
And the code is the United States of PTSD 15.
And that you said will workboth on your website and in the
store.
Yes, indeed Awesome.
Thank you so much, Janesha.
Speaker 1 (28:46):
It was a pleasure.
It was a pleasure.
I'll see you next time.
Speaker 2 (28:49):
Okay, Hello everybody , and thank you again for
(29:13):
listening.
This is just a reminder that nopart of this podcast can be
duplicated or copied withoutwritten consent from either
myself or Wendy.
Thank you again.
This podcast is not intended to serve as therapeutic
advice or to replace anyprofessional treatment.
These opinions belong to us anddo not reflect any company or
agency.
Speaker 2 (00:27):
Hey everybody and welcome back to another episode
of the United States of PTSD.
Sorry that there's been alittle bit of a delay between
the last episode and this one.
We are having some difficultieswith guest speakers right now,
as everyone can imagine.
With what I'm going to call thenew regime taking over, people
(00:48):
are a lot more hesitant to speakout right now about particular
issues.
Because of this concern, wehave become more cautious to
also help protect our guests.
So I want to thank all thelisteners and for continuing to
be supportive and understanding,and I will certainly keep
everybody posted as newdevelopments happened.
This will be a solo episode fortoday.
(01:10):
This is one that I unexpectedlydecided to do.
That comes from a very sadplace, so I'm going to be doing
an episode that's both amemorial episode and a story
about pet loss and pet grief.
This may be a difficult topicto listen to, but it is one that
I think is reallyunderappreciated and needs more
(01:32):
attention and discussion in oursociety in general.
As many of you are aware fromprevious episodes, I lost two of
my senior pets in the last twoyears and over the last past
week I said goodbye to my finalsenior cat.
The week prior.
I had actually thought a seniorferret I have also was going to
(01:56):
follow suit.
However, the vet thought shewas better off than I
anticipated.
So there is more time with her.
Anticipated so there is moretime with her.
Pet grief is both raw andpowerful.
I was speaking with Wendy fromseason one the other day.
She also had to humanelyeuthanize her dog last year and
as we talked about it we bothstarted to cry.
(02:17):
Even a year later for her, thewound was just as intense as it
was then.
This led us to talk about whypet grief is so powerful, and I
think one of the reasons forthis is because pets are part of
our family that really love usunconditionally.
Sure, sometimes they can giveus attitude and they can be a
(02:40):
pain in the ass like any otherbeing, but their ability to be
there for us when we're happy orsad, or angry or, you know,
feeling all the emotions, isincomparable, I think, to any
other relationship.
And, secondarily, this is arelationship where, as Wendy
pointed out when I was talkingto her, that they always need us
(03:00):
.
Even as they get old, theycontinue to rely on us for
survival.
On some level they're likechildren that never grow up.
So with that, I want to tellthe story of Hermes.
I will warn you that I mightget emotional on this episode,
but I am going to try to recordit live.
There may be some edits though,because it's still very raw.
(03:25):
But again, like I said, I thinkit's important to do,
especially if we're talkingabout mental health in this
country and just mental healthin general, for us to be okay
with expressing it, even whenit's not something we would deem
as a happy thing.
Here's the story of Hermes.
In 2009, I bought my first house, and it was a scary and
(03:46):
unpredictable time for me.
I was ending a long-termrelationship that continued to
be off and on again for the nextfew years, and this came with,
obviously, lots of turmoil andanxiety and moments where I
questioned.
What I was doing and I thinkthis is something most people
can relate to is living in aplace of uncertainty, but, like
(04:09):
any other time of darkness,there's always light or moments
of light that come out of that.
A few days after I moved in, Iwas looking out my window and I
saw this kitten, without a carein the world, jumping up in the
air trying to catch gnats orwhatever those little bugs are
that fly around during, uh, latespring, I don't know, no seems,
(04:33):
whatever the hell they'recalled.
And uh, I thought I just Iremember watching him while I
was doing some dishes andthinking, oh my god, that's so
freaking adorable.
And being the great pet loverthat I am, of course I wanted to
go outside and see if I couldpet the cat.
So I went outside and the catran away.
As you could anticipate, a fewdays later I was having the
(04:56):
internet installed in my houseand when the Verizon workman
came in, the kitten that wasoutside ran in with him and I
didn't see it.
But I remember him saying to meoh, I let your cat in.
And I was like what cat?
And all of a sudden I see thiskitten running around my house.
He ran back outside prettyquickly.
(05:16):
I remember reaching out to myneighbor because, again, I had
only been there for a coupleweeks, and I said to my neighbor
do you guys have a kitten or doyou have any idea who that
kitten belongs to?
And he told me that the peopleon the other side of him had
just recently moved out and theyhad apparently left the kitten
behind, which is awful.
He told me that him and hispartner were actually trying to
(05:38):
catch the kitten.
They weren't having any luck.
They already had an outdoor catand that cat was missing an eye
and I remember I had asked himabout it and he said well, I
think the cat got attacked bysomething outside and I thought
well, you know, I'm not really afan of, uh, outdoor cats,
especially in the city with thisa high amount of traffic.
(05:58):
So I was like, well, let's seewho can catch the cat first.
And then a couple days later Iwas leaving for work.
We had we were having a staffpotluck, so I was carrying a
crock pot and I opened up thedoor to leave the house and with
my handful the kitten ran inthe house and I remember like,
(06:21):
oh my God, looking and seeingthe cat run down my basement
stairs and, like I said, I wason my way to work and I couldn't
be late.
So I put the crock pot down andI went and I just brought food
and water downstairs and Iclosed off the basement because
I had two cats at the time and,for those of you that are pet
owners, you know you can'treally let a stray cat interact
(06:43):
with other cats because ofdiseases or the potential for
disease.
So I made that decision thatnow that he's in my house for a
second time, he's not leaving.
And uh, it was at that pointthat I thought the name Hermes
would be really fitting, becauseHermes is the Greek God, the
messenger, god, uh, oftenrelated to speed, and this was a
(07:04):
cat that had snuck into thehouse a couple times and was
just like so quick and I justsaid that's it, he's staying.
And he acclimated prettyquickly to the house and to the
other cats Hecate, which was thecat I lost last year, and Dylan
, who, by the way, I did notname, that was the name that
came with him he was.
(07:30):
They were both rescues my uhand he was an older rescue so I
couldn't really change his name.
So my friends used to joke thatum, hecate would like snuggle
up to a, like a criminal thatwalked in the house.
So, um, you know she wasn'treally a good judge of character
, so to speak.
But you know they acclimatedpretty quickly and he became the
alpha cat of the house and thatnever ended even up until he
passed away.
But he was also really socialwith people and he'd be the
(07:54):
first cat to jump on someone'slap and he would do these like
headbutts to you know, likeasking people for attention, and
people just really loved him.
So after him came three othercats which all had their own
stories and I'm not gonnaobviously go into each one of
their stories, but there waswhat was unique about that kind
(08:15):
of that um, group of cats wasthat all six of them would
cuddle and snuggle together.
And I even have a picturesomewhere of me with all six of
them napping on me, which Idon't know.
If you're a cat owner, you youwould know that that's not super
common.
So, uh, the other thing thatwas weird is they were all about
six months to a year apart and,ironically, they almost died in
(08:39):
reverse order.
And again, I'm not going to gothrough each one of them, but
there was one story that stoodout, there was a couple stories
that stood out with him that I Iwant to highlight.
And uh, this was he.
I had two cats from the samelitter that were twin male and
female cats.
They were black and white and Inamed them artemis and apollo.
(09:00):
I'm sure most of you can sensea trend here.
And, uh, I was actuallyhomesick from work one day.
I was laying on the couchwatching TV and I was pretty,
pretty kind of down and out withwhatever it was, and at the
time Apollo was a year old andHermes would have been, I don't
know, maybe three or two, no,probably three at this point,
(09:21):
and the two of them were chasingeach other around the house and
all of a sudden, like right infront of me, the two cats jumped
up in the air and kind of didthis in-air collision and then
fell and Hermes ran away butApollo just kind of stopped and
laid on the ground and Iremember there being a delay in
my my head and I was like whatjust happened?
Because he wasn't moving.
And then I slowly watched himexpand, almost like he was
(09:44):
stretching and I it was at thatmoment that I realized he had
died and of course I was besidemyself.
So I had called my ex at thetime and he was a dick about
many things, but this he was not.
He was actually really greatabout this and I said through
tears uh, I think Apollo is dead, but I I didn't want to check.
(10:05):
So he came over and he checkedand he said through tears, I
think Apollo is dead, but Ididn't want to check.
So he came over and he checkedand he said yeah, unfortunately
he has passed away.
And what they think happened wasthe vet speculated that it was
either he broke his neck fromfalling on it wrong or there was
some sort of brain aneurysm.
But you know, most people don'tdo autopsies on pets.
So I didn't kind of just wentwith what they thought it was.
(10:26):
So I remember being in shockand I just, you know, I didn't
know what to do and he took thecat, he took the body to the vet
and that was.
That was, you know, I guess amoment in Hermes story and my
story that I just wanted toshare.
But I think the other thingthat was interesting was that
because he died there, all theother cats had gone up to him
(10:49):
and sniffed him and I think forthe people who think that
animals don't have feelings orawareness, I think they're sadly
mistaken because in my opinionthose people don't know what
they're talking about.
But anyway, so that was kind ofthe first, uh, first loss.
And hermes, uh.
The other great quality he hadwas man.
(11:09):
He thought he was a pit bullsometimes, let me tell you, he
thought he was the watchdog ofthe house.
He would almost become feral ifhe saw a stray cat go by a
window and he used to like tosit in the basement window and
growl and freak out over anystray cat or neighborhood cat
that he saw.
And there was one day again Iwas at work and he must have
(11:34):
gotten so agitated that he bustthrough the screen.
Because when I came home, threeof the cats were outside in my
backyard just lounging aroundand the screen had been pushed
out and I thought, oh my god.
So he was always, uh, like Isaid, a kind of a, like a pit
bull, and, um, he, you knowabout the next 10 years.
(11:56):
I mean, it was just he capturedeverybody's heart that he came
into contact with and I have achristmas card of that.
I had a picture of him on onetime wearing reindeer ears and
he just looked like he was ohman, he looked like he was the
biggest curmudgeon in the world.
So, um, and everything waspretty good until I sold my
house about 10 years later, andright before I sold the house, I
(12:17):
had a contractor working on oneof the rooms and the contractor
was, I think, not very reliableand had some issues going on
and he was not paying attention.
And Hermes got out and he wasmissing for a good three days
and, as I had said before, Ilived in the city.
So at this point I'm convinced,oh my God, he's been out for
(12:38):
three days.
He's probably dead somewhere.
But I found him.
He was underneath a shrub in myyard just sitting there.
I don't think he moved forthree days and that was his last
major escape.
But that was just hispersonality and, as you can see,
he was aptly named.
Then, when I moved to my newhouse, there was a one time
(13:01):
where the screen door was openand he got out with more cats,
but I did catch them all.
When I bought my new house, thehouse actually came with two
barn cats that the owners theprevious owners had asked me to
take care of, and since then athird stray cat has moved under
my porch because, as you havenot, I'm sure you figured out by
(13:21):
now I am the crazy cat man orthe cat whisperer, I should say.
Anyway, so as he got older,obviously he was still very
territorial, but he became less,um, less so he would love to
sit and, uh, growl at theoutdoor cats.
But if I ever opened the door,which I did one time, he would
(13:41):
love to sit and growl at theoutdoor cats.
But if I ever opened the door,which I did one time, he would
kind of run away from the thecats.
And then, um, over the years,once I bought the new house, um,
they had started to pass awayand last year, as I think I
mentioned on the previousepisode when I said hecate had
passed away, it happened on aFriday.
She was really sick so I had aplace called Lap of Love come
(14:03):
out to the house and they do theeuthanasia at the house and
that was obviously very roughand he never was the same after
that.
So, I think the you know.
The other thing we like to dois pretend that or we tell
ourselves that animals don'texperience grief.
(14:24):
I certainly beg to differ,because he truly did never
recover and he started to loseweight over the past year and
when I took him to the vet acouple weeks ago, they had
diagnosed him with probableliver cancer.
The options were, as you canimagine, incredibly expensive
(14:48):
and they would have onlyguaranteed and would not even
guarantee, they would have onlygiven the possibility of a
little extra time.
And this is one of the worstparts about being a pet owner,
because it's this cost-benefitanalysis that I think is so
difficult.
One thing that I've learnedfrom this is to have pet
(15:11):
insurance on future pets, whichactually both my younger,
because I only have two cats now.
Both of them do have petinsurance.
One of them is a therapy cat Iwould take to the office and the
other one is a crazy cat, butthey both have pet insurance.
So anyway it's.
You know this is a, it's atough thing and you know it's
(15:33):
quality of life.
There was a medication that Icould force feed him that I gave
him for a good week and theyhad told me if it was going to
work.
It would have worked by the endof the week but I saw no change
and it was torturous to give itto him.
(15:58):
It was clear that it wascertainly not making his life
any better and he was insatiablefor food.
But he wasn't actually eatingit.
He would only lick the gravyfrom food packets and sometimes
I would go through seven, eightpackets a day where he would
just lick the packet like lickall the gravy and then leave the
(16:21):
food and he was dehydrated.
So they had given him somesublingual fluids and an IV drip
.
When I brought him in I madethat decision that if he didn't
(16:45):
get better by the end of theweek that I would set up an
appointment for euthanasia.
And again, it's so difficultbecause, as a pet owner and I'm
sure there's plenty of peopleout there who are pet owners we
struggle with being proactiveversus reactive.
You know, I looked up a numberright before I did the podcast
and it said about 85% of peoplewho euthanize pets feel they did
it.
You know, the best thing forthe pet and I think I did in
(17:12):
every case.
But it's never an easy choiceto make and part of the reason
why I'm doing this podcast is tonormalize this and, like I said
earlier, for everybody tounderstand that it's okay to be
sad and it's okay to not be okayand, like I said, with pet
(17:35):
grief and loss, it's somethingwe don't handle well.
This time, I do have to say Ihad quite a few people reach out
and I had the nicest people inthe world send me a care package
of food, like comfort food,which was the most, I think,
(17:57):
incredible thing I've seenanybody ever do.
It 100% brought me to tears.
I was like sobbing when I sawthat.
But anyway, I want to go backto the story for a second.
So when you get to the vet forthose of you who have never done
this, it's really a hardprocess you get to the vet and,
of course, you have to take careof the financial part of it.
First.
There's this thing and ithappens with people too where
(18:19):
sometimes they get better rightbefore the end, and I've had
this happen with multiple pets.
He certainly wasn't better.
His liver values wereincredibly high.
The first time I brought him in, they said that he didn't have
any showing jaundice, but whenthey spun his blood it turned
yellow showing jaundice.
(18:39):
But when they spun his blood.
It turned yellow.
When I brought him back thatday, he they said his skin had
started to turn yellow.
For those of you that don't knowthe process, it's what they do
first is they give a shot thatit's like a sedative.
Basically, my guess is it's alike a high opiate or something.
I'm not sure what it's, whatit's made of, but I would guess
that.
And then what they do afterthat is they um overdose the
(19:04):
animal once the animal'ssleeping.
And it's fairly quick.
Usually it takes less than aminute from.
Well, actually, I should say ittakes a minute from the second
shot, from the first shot.
You have as long as you want,but I struggled, I struggled, I
um kept asking myself if I wasdoing the right thing and.
(19:40):
I think it's not always cut dry.
I told you this might be alittle emotional.
I told you this was going to behard, but it's important and I
(20:07):
think it's relevant to grief, soanyway.
So of course I wassecond-guessing it and looking
for validation from the vets.
And of course they were great,you know, because they said we
can do whatever you think isright, but we think it's either
choice is fine, either choicewould be like a healthy choice.
(20:31):
So you know, you have to thinkabout quality of life, and so I
struggled.
But the worst part, this is theabsolute worst.
It's never easy, and I thinkeach animal comes with a unique
(20:52):
set of challenges, but in thisone, what made it terrible was
when they gave him the firstshot.
He actually jumped off thetable and then jumped onto my
lap and just laid down, and thatwas probably one of the hardest
things I think I've had inthose scenarios.
(21:13):
And then shortly after that, itwas just a couple minutes later
.
We've talked about this a coupleof times.
Our country, the US, doesn'thandle grief well in general.
We live in what's referred toas a death-defying culture,
which means we pretend that itdoesn't exist and we do
(21:35):
everything we can to lookyounger, act young, act younger,
pretend that we're not gettingolder, pretend that there isn't
death looming at some point.
And if you think aboutcompanies in general, they give
about three to five days ofbereavement for a loved one,
which is absolutely nothing.
And if you can imagine how thisimpacts the loss of pets,
because people devalue theirrelationship, the human
(21:59):
connection between people andtheir companion animals, and dr
handel has talked about this onthe episode we did with uh vets
against genocide.
So I think, like I said, Ireally just wanted to normalize
how hard it is and I think thisis something that will hopefully
touch many people and realizethat this is it's a normal, it's
(22:21):
a normal part of grief.
And, like I said, I reallywanted to do this episode to
honor the life of the 16 yearsof life and memories that I had
with Hermes.
He was a great pet, greatcompanion animal.
I was planning on ending thiswith reading the Rainbow Bridge
(22:45):
poem, but I think I wouldtorture myself and I would
torture everybody listening toit, because I cannot listen to
that or even look at it withoutbecoming an emotional wreck.
So, anyway, we're not going todo that.
I do want to end the commercialbreak.
I'm sorry.
I do want to end with acommercial break for a local
business owner.
Tanisha is this lovely woman Imet a few weeks back.
I think I mentioned her also ina previous episode.
It was a candle making shop.
(23:05):
She has a store in NorthProvidence on Mineral Spring
Avenue, or as we in New England,rhode Island, refer to it as
Miserable Spring Avenue becauseof how bad the traffic is.
But she has offered thelisteners a discount code which
is going to appear on thecommercial.
But we have.
She did amend the discount codeto make it easier for people to
(23:25):
access and this is both on thein the person, if you go into
her store, which is calledKadita, in person, or if you use
it on the online store person,or if you use it on the online
store, and the code is the USAPTSD all in capital, one word,
(23:52):
15.
Again, that's USA PTSD 15, allcapital, all one word.
So thank you again for listeningto me, thank you for being part
of that process.
I hope that this was able totouch other people as well and
remember it's normal, it's okayand you know we have to remember
to be there for each other andto continue to spread kindness
and compassion for everybody outthere.
(24:13):
So thank you again, andhopefully in the next couple of
weeks we will have some guestspeakers on board.
We do have five or six lined up.
We just haven't, like I said,been able to solidify it, and we
do have to worry aboutprotecting their safety as well.
And with everything going on,so be well everybody, thank you.
In a world that moves fast,sometimes we forget to slow down
(24:40):
, to take a moment for ourselves, just to breathe.
Speaker 1 (24:45):
At Querida, we believe self-care is not just a
luxury, it's a necessity.
Speaker 2 (24:50):
I would like to second that Self-care is vital
for all of us and I can tell youI loved my experience at
Querida.
I love my candle.
Speaker 1 (24:57):
At Querida, every candle is more than just a scent
.
It's an invitation to pause, tocenter yourself and reconnect
with your inner peace.
They're hand poured with love.
Our candles are crafted withnatural joy wax and infused
carefully with selectedessential oils.
Designed to calm your mind,soothe your soul and spark your
creativity.
Designed to calm your mind,soothe your soul and spark your
creativity.
Speaker 2 (25:18):
I would like to add that when we did the testing, I
got all of the candle scentscorrect, didn't I?
Speaker 1 (25:25):
You sure did.
You were really on track, youwere like hitting it right on
the money, which doesn't alwayshappen, by the way.
That's because I'm awesome, wehad a great vibe that day.
I really enjoyed that classsession.
Speaker 2 (25:39):
Which is why everybody should go to your shop
.
It was amazing.
Speaker 1 (25:45):
Exactly, exactly so we just need to let them know
that we're here.
Whether you're unwinding aftera long day, setting the mood for
a peaceful evening or simplyenjoying a quiet moment of
reflection, cariva candles helpyou create a sanctuary in your
home.
But, more importantly, asidefrom the candles and the candle
making experience within itself,the store offers such vibrant
energy that one cannot explain.
(26:06):
You just got to be there.
Speaker 2 (26:07):
A hundred percent.
I agree with you, Tanisha.
I can't wait to light mine.
It smells amazing.
I know we had to let it curefor a little while afterwards,
but it's so sparkly and awesome.
Speaker 1 (26:16):
Yes, you have to wait at least a week to make sure
that your candle is kind ofmarinated and it smells good
when you light it on its firstslit.
Speaker 2 (26:26):
What else do you?
What else do you offer there,Can you?
Speaker 1 (26:29):
Oh yeah, so at Querida it's it's very
multifaceted, so we do offer acandle making workshops every
weekend, but also the space youcould rent it out for private
parties.
We have bachelorette partieshere, birthday parties.
We even do a sip and paintnights, if that's something of
interest, and sometimes we dolike tarot readings and at the
(26:50):
current moment we're offeringsound bowl healings.
Speaker 2 (26:54):
So that sound bowl experience by the way, that was
the first time I had ever doneit before and I have to tell you
I was nervous going in, but Ireally enjoyed it.
And something that you pointedout was when I was doing it the
TV stopped and the car alarmstarted going off outside the
entire time.
So I know I must have beencreating something very powerful
in that moment.
I don't know what it was, butit certainly was something.
Speaker 1 (27:14):
I actually forgot that that happens.
I actually do remember the TVpausing and it's almost like the
universe was saying Matt, takea second to be still and be in
the present moment, becausethat's all we have.
Speaker 2 (27:29):
Absolutely, I agree.
Speaker 1 (27:31):
I would love to give your listeners a limited time
code United States, of PTSD 15,so they can enjoy anything in
the store or online.
Speaker 2 (27:41):
And that would be for 15% off.
Speaker 1 (27:44):
Yes, that would be for 15% off for all your
customers, your listeners,whoever your audience is.
Speaker 2 (27:51):
That's fantastic.
Thank you so much, and I wouldreally encourage people to check
out your store, because oneit's just a great store.
You have amazing energy and weare all about supporting local
businesses.
So could you just telleverybody where the store is and
what the hours are?
Speaker 1 (28:04):
Yes, so we are located on 1375 Minero Spring
Avenue in North Providence,rhode Island.
And our hours of operation?
We're predominantly open on theweekends, from 12 to 9 pm.
We're predominantly open on theweekends from 12 to 9 pm.
Make sure that you come andvisit Querida today, because you
(28:25):
deserve to implement someself-love and some self-care
into your journey.
Speaker 2 (28:27):
Thank you, everybody One more time.
What's the address?
Speaker 1 (28:29):
So it's going to be located at 1375 Mineral Spring
Avenue in North Providence.
Speaker 2 (28:35):
And the code is the United States of PTSD 15.
And that you said will workboth on your website and in the
store.
Yes, indeed Awesome.
Thank you so much, Janesha.
Speaker 1 (28:46):
It was a pleasure.
It was a pleasure.
I'll see you next time.
Speaker 2 (28:49):
Okay, Hello everybody , and thank you again for
(29:13):
listening.
This is just a reminder that nopart of this podcast can be
duplicated or copied withoutwritten consent from either
myself or Wendy.
Thank you again.
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