Episode 9: Never Judge a Book By Its Cover

While Kyndra was made fun of as a child for her looks, it’s the present-day bullying for her unpopular political beliefs that really makes her feel like she doesn’t fit in within her own community.

Episode Transcript

Kyndra (00:10):
I make little race jokes. Like here's an example
say man, white people are wild.
Y'all really are charging us$100 off of ancestry.com tell us
where you took us from. Youknow? You can, you can make race
funny. You can. But the problemis people want to cancel you. We
live in a cancel culture.

DB Crema (00:35):
This is United States of Race, personal stories of how
our earliest memories determinea lifetime of relationships.
Each episode features one guestsharing their experiences with
race. Listen without prejudiceto their real, uninhibited
stories, because by sharing whenwe first learned we are all
different, we find the commonthread that shows us how much we

(00:58):
are all the same. I'm your hostDB Crema. Today, we're joined by
Kyndra, who was made fun of as achild for her looks. But it's
the present day bullying for herunpopular political beliefs that
really makes her feel like shedoesn't fit in within her own
community.
So when did you first becomeaware of race?

Unknown (01:22):
I first became aware of race, I was seven years old. And
I remember the school that Iwent to was predominantly black.
In Fayette County, if anybody isfamiliar with Atlanta, Fayette
County has become the ghettonow. All right. But at the time
when I was a child, it was areally good school system. So

(01:45):
school I went to was more solike middle upper class, black
people. We had a few white kidsand everything else. But I
remember having elementary kidstalk about you know, your black
and everything else. So, Iremember first hearing it from
school. Right? So okay, cool. Noissue. Middle School was when it
became an issue. Sixth grade. Iremember saying I wanted to be

(02:08):
white. And the reason I said Iwanted to be white, and I really
just denounced being blackaltogether - I remember watching
somebody on television, and youhad to be careful what you watch
on television. They would alwaystalk about, you know, black
people... I used to think onlyblack folks were on welfare.

(02:30):
That's really what I thoughtbecause watching television,
they portrayed black people asthugs, criminals, angry black
woman. So I'm thinking all blackwomen are mean. I had girls
would say, Oh, your mom doesn'tlike, you know, curse at y'all.
You're black Kyndra, you'resupposed to like, have your mom
do that. I'm like, what? Ifblack people do this, then I'm

(02:53):
like, I don't want to be black.
Like, I want to have the whitemom. You know, the stereotype is
all white parents in general,they very lenient with their
children, and so I'm like, Iwish I could experience that.
And this is around the timewhere my parents divorced as
well. So my mom was the sole,you know, provider - had custody

(03:13):
over us. And we were literally,we were at riches and I'm still
at rags to this day. Presentday, okay. So living in, you
know, an impoverishedneighborhood with my mother, my
two brothers. It was four peoplein one apartment, bedroom. Okay.
And I really just felt like,okay, maybe if I was white, I

(03:38):
wouldn't be having to live inthis area. And like I said, I
wanted to be white. And Iremember, I wanted to be Puerto
Rican.

DB Crema (03:48):
What?

Kyndra (03:50):
I'm gonna tell you why.
The guys I had a crush on, theyloved Spanish looking women.
That exotic-look, type woman.
Those are the girls in theschool, they were the ones
getting the most attention. Iwas getting looked over. And
still to this day, I have hadissues with women, because it
was black women who made fun ofmy hair, said it was too coarse,

(04:14):
it's too nappy, need to get aperm. And I literally felt very
disgusted. I wasn't aware that Isuffered depression at that
young age, at like 11 going on12 years old. I didn't know what
depression was. I just knew Ifelt disgusted. Because how
could you talk about somebody'shair like that? How could you

(04:37):
talk about somebody's eyebrows -your eyebrows are are too thick.
And so with that being said, Iremember I got some scissors
because I'm like, I don't likemy eyebrows. So, I started
cutting my eyebrows. And Ilooked crazy as hell. And I'm
glad eyebrows grow back, honey.
I'm so glad it grows back.

DB Crema (04:59):
That could not have been a good look.

Kyndra (05:00):
But yeah, so. And, your lips are too big. Why your lips
so big?

DB Crema (05:06):
But isn't that what people pay for now?

Kyndra (05:08):
Yes, they do. They do.
And I just I literally, middleschool was the worst, the worst
type of years for me. I wouldhave people call me ugly. And I
remember up until that time,nobody ever called me ugly. And
I literally believed that andthat's where low self esteem
comes in. Okay, so like I said,we start with depression, then

(05:29):
we get to low self esteem. And Iremember seventh grade out of
out of my middle school years,seventh grade was the worst.

DB Crema (05:37):
But I mean, middle school, junior high, is known to
be a brutal time. I mean, it's avicious place. And middle
schoolers are not kind to eachother. I mean, is that about
race?

Kyndra (05:53):
It is about race, in a sense, because it was black
women. It was a self hatredamongst black women telling me
you're not beautiful, becauseyour hair doesn't look like...
it's not thin, it's notstraight. You know, your skin
complexion. I literally justfelt like being white was the

(06:17):
way to go. And I came acrosswhite people who treated me
better, who were so much nicer.
Who made me feel like I was oneof them. I literally was going
through so many differentthings, trying to figure out who
I was. And then a lot of it camefrom my mother as well, you

(06:41):
know, there was a lot of tensionwith me with my mother. The way
she would talk to me, talk downto me in a way. And I said I
wish you know, my mom was white.
You know, because I know whiteparents, they're not going to
treat their children as such,right? But again, these are
stereotypes because not everywhite parent, you know, does

(07:02):
that. Same thing with not everyblack parent does that.

DB Crema (07:06):
So you thought that if you were white, it would make
your life better, you would betaken out of the ghetto, you
would be living a much betterlife in every respect.

Kyndra (07:18):
I did, I did. And I felt that if I was white. Or if I was
Puerto Rican, I would get abetter, have the better upper
hand. You know, like I said,because if you watch too much
television, it will make youthink that black people are less
than. I equated success andhappiness to either being white,

(07:43):
or Puerto Rican. You know, andof course, like I said, as you
get older, you realize that, youknow, that's definitely not
gonna be the truth. And, whatwas so crazy was I had this
thing where I was like, Oh, Iwant to grow up in the hood. I
want this ethnic name. I wanteverything so I could feel like
I belong with African Americans.
But then people would think,when I would get on the phone

(08:05):
with them, they're like, Oh, youtalk very proper. Are you white?
I just did not fit in. I feltlike I really did not, did not
fit in. I said, Well, maybe Imust destined to be white.
Because people say I talkproper. I don't act black
enough. Whatever that means. Ihad a girl she was in elementary
school. And I, still to thisday, don't know how to braid

(08:28):
hair. So I need a support groupstarted for women who don't know
how to braid hair, black women.
And she said,

DB Crema (08:34):
How do you not know how to braid hair?

Kyndra (08:35):
That's what she said.
She's like, you're AfricanAmerican. How do you not know
how to braid hair? I get madefun of, to date, present day.
For showing up on time, forbeing prepared. You know,
whatever other type ofstereotype that could possibly
come. Hey, do you likewatermelon, fried chicken. I
don't care for watermelon. And Itold some black people that,

(08:59):
right? They're like, how are youblack and you don't like
watermelon? I'm like, Guys, thisis just my opinion. And I'm very
quick to tell people justbecause we're Black doesn't mean
that you have to go and root,like, okay, for example, a
certain film or TV characterthat you know is just bad. You
know, for a fact, they did a badjob. But if I sit here and say I

(09:21):
don't really care for that,something's wrong with you. You
know what? You sold out. You'rea sellout. I'm a sellout because
I don't want to like the samething that you're liking? For so
many years I had people sayKyndra, are you sure that you're
black? And so I was really justtrying to understand like, what

(09:43):
what type of person am I?

DB Crema (09:47):
Hmm.
So how did you deal with yourdepression? Like the fallout of
all that you were facing inmiddle school and kind of into
high school? How did you dealwith that?

Unknown (09:59):
I just bared the pain.
You know, every day, I wish Iwas dead. There were times I
wanted to die. You know, I wasstill like a happy, you know, go
lucky kid on the outside, youknow, but only reason I went to
counseling, it was just, youknow, my parents were divorcing,
my mom felt like putting me inthere. But even when I was in

(10:20):
counseling, and I talked aboutnothing, it was like a waste,
but I never dealt with itproperly. And I always find it
funny how parents can spot yourfake friends, but they can't
spot their child's depressed.
You ever noticed that? And so, Ididn't say nothing.

DB Crema (10:38):
You just kept it hidden or bottled up.

Kyndra (10:40):
And then as time progressed my depression became
worse because of other lifesituations that happened, you
know? So, and then I didn't donothing positive about it. I
just, you know, I thought aboutcutting myself. And then that
hurt, so I said I'm not gonnacut myself no more. Let me not

(11:00):
try this. I couldn't do anydrugs. I couldn't get access to
any drugs. Journaling.
Journaling was cool. Journaling,I guess, is a healthier option.
But I didn't start journalinguntil high school.

DB Crema (11:13):
It's interesting, how you said that you were outwardly
a happy go lucky kid, eventhough you were just kind of
sitting on top of this mound of,of depression and, you know,
self loathing?

Kyndra (11:26):
Yeah. I would, I would definitely call it that, you
know? And it made me reallyquestion What was I on this
earth for, if I was going to endup having to, you know, to think
like this. It got to the point,I'm like, I really wanted to be
homeschooled. I wanted to beaway from everybody. All of my

(11:48):
life, I literally had issueswhen it came with black people.
And then I had to realize peopleare going to be people. That's
what I had to come down to. Idon't know, if it was just
prayer. I don't know if it wasmaturity. But I had to get out
of that mindset thinking thatblack people are what they are
portrayed to be on television.
This is not who every blackperson is. But I felt that if

(12:13):
I'm going to be you know,African American, I have to act
like this. I have to talk likethis. It wasn't working for me.
People will call me an enigma.
You know, there are some blackpeople out there who might look
the stereotype but they're theones who say, you know, what,

(12:35):
never judge a book by its cover.
And this is also people like oh,well...even when it comes with
being a republican. For forwhatever reason, a lot of black
people think, Oh, well,Republicans are racist, and
they're not for us anddemocrat's the way to go and all
of that type of stuff. But if Isay, you know, I like Donald

(12:58):
Trump better as president thanBiden. Oh, I'm wrong for that. I
was afraid to speak my mindaround black people, because I
felt, like this is gonna soundso... I'm about to be as
descriptive as I can. I feltlike by me speaking the truth, I
was gonna be lynched. Likeverbally, not physically. Oh,

(13:20):
your supposed.... You know, Iremember this is something that
just came into my mind. WhenPresident Obama ran for the
second time, and at that time, Iwas able to vote. My mother
said, if you don't vote for him,you won't have a place to go. We
don't do the other party in thishousehold. And she was serious,

(13:42):
too. So with all that beingsaid, the fact that I had, when
this past election, my auntcalled me and she told me who to
vote for. She told me who tovote for. She says, We need to
get Trump out of office. Whyshould we get him out of office?

(14:06):
Because have you not been payingattention to what's going on?
But, so you think Biden's gonnabe better? We don't want Donald
Trump in office. That man is aracist. He's trying to build
this wall. He's trying to dothis. Well, you know what, when
Donald was in office, guesswhat? My money came on time. And
I know that sounds so bad, butI'm not the only one who's
thinking like that. So, like Isaid, because if I say I'm a

(14:26):
black Republican, or MAGA orwhatever else it might be. Oh,
off with Kyndra's head. I getbullied. This is what what else
is really bad as well. When wehad the protests over the
summer, when George Floyd was,you know, viciously murdered.

(14:46):
I'm not gonna lie, I felt veryled to write a status about the
inequality and and issues whenit came with, you know, black
people. I felt like if I didn'twrite that status, they would
have been like, well Kyndra,you're a comedian, you're not

(15:08):
gonna say nothing about it. Oh,Kyndra, you're supposed to be
like us. I felt peer pressure todo that.

DB Crema (15:18):
Meaning, you, you felt that you need to make some sort
of statement?

Kyndra (15:22):
Yes, I felt like I had to make a statement because
majority of black people weremaking a statement and I didn't
want to feel left out. I didn'twant to feel like I, you know,
am for the other side.

DB Crema (15:35):
So, what I hear you saying is that if you're
questioning things that are ofpopular opinion, within the
black community, you become thetarget, and you're the one who's
representing the unpopular view,and being kind of outcast or
marginalized.

Kyndra (15:51):
Most definitely. And I, this is like a bullying method.
You're bullying me into wantingme to be just like you. It's
like, if I tell the truth, oh,you're you're labeled as the
angry black woman. I'm not...
how am I angry? I'm talking toyou regularly. I'm just being

(16:11):
honest. And I want to say thisas well. I've never personally
when it came with, you know,racism, as far as what, like a
police officer, I've never hadto personally deal with that,
where they have stopped me fordriving while black. You know, I
know for black men is moreprevalent. You know, I know for

(16:35):
a fact there are gonna be someplaces I can't go, even in this
day and age - rural, you know,Georgia. Where'd I learn that
from, I think it justinstinctively came. I don't want
to feel like that. But I do.

DB Crema (16:52):
But, so a lot of people would say that your
support of the republican partyand being republican goes
against your interests. By beingRepublican, you are voting for
things that are ...you're votingagainst your interest. You're
voting for a group of people whowant to maintain the existing

(17:15):
status quo, which is, in part,maintaining a police state
against the black community.

Kyndra (17:23):
And, that's why I say I want, you know... I don't want
you guys to think that like,okay, after listening to Kyndra,
she is totally against blackpeople. She's not gonna marry
black. No, no, no, no, no. Thisis what I want people to do,
instead of just following theblind leading the blind, when it
comes with the Republican Party,when it comes with Donald Trump

(17:44):
or whomever else there may beout there. I want black people
to just do the research. I justwant more black people to just
say, Okay, I'm not going to befollowing the crowd, because
everyone else says we need to dothis.

DB Crema (18:04):
But I'm going to come back to this piece about, you
know, one of the most importantpieces of currency that we as
individuals in this country haveis our voting power. Our
political currency is our voteour individual vote. Now, I
mean, putting aside the issueswith Electoral College and a lot
that's being done todisenfranchise vast communities,

(18:27):
still, at the individual, ourstrongest piece of currency is
the power to vote. And manywould say that, and would point
out a multitude of ways inwhich, by voting for the
Republican Party, you are votingfor the status quo, and you're
voting for policies that aredesigned to disenfranchise your

(18:49):
community, are designed toperpetuate the socialization
that leads to internalizedracism, that you as a child
experienced and was at thereceiving end. So, and I get
that, you know, black people arenot a monolith, by any means.
And it's ridiculous to thinkthat everyone should think the
same way. I completely hear youon the importance of each person

(19:11):
applying their own critical lensand coming to their own
conclusions. What's the best wayto go about doing that? Is that
going and voting for a partythat's not...

Kyndra (19:21):
Can I, can I say this?
And this is again, the ancestorsare cursing me out right now.
But hey, it's okay. I'm beingme. I finally have come to a
place where I am okay with how Ithink, whether it be right or
wrong. Politics and carsalesmen, they're the same

(19:43):
thing. Okay. Common sense goesout the window, man. Once I've
come to that place in my life,and I realize that both parties,
these politicians are dirty.
They say whatever they want tosay. Because again, they're
gonna promise you every thing.

DB Crema (20:00):
So how do we move on from this point when it's just
every topic is so divisive andgets so politicized> We just
seem to be getting further andfurther into our polarized
camps. And that's certainly notleading us anywhere productive.

Kyndra (20:20):
I think the best thing to do is, number one, I think we
all, everyone, we all know thedifference between right and
wrong. We all did the whole ifyou have nothing nice to say,
don't say it at all. And sowhere do we go from here? We go
to the place of being kind toone another. I treat everybody
the same. Being able to say youknow what, I'm not going to

(20:46):
treat my brother or my sistersthat way. Show love to one
another. You know, we're goingto agree to disagree in love.
That's it. That's all I askor is to agree to disagree with
e in love.

DB Crema (21:12):
Thanks for listening to United States of Race. This
podcast was produced by me, DCrema. Our artwork is designe
by Aly Creative, and ourrecordings are done via Squad
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(21:32):
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