September 4, 2024 • 30 mins
Supporting Changes in your life means reconnecting to your power in your relationship to change. It allows you to transform the patterns that aren’t serving you during the transition period, rather than carrying them with you into a new space. Unfortunately, what often happens is that changes in our life feel in some way like they're imposed upon us, even when they're ones that we choose because the ripple effect of those changes are typically things that we get carried along by, rather than ones we intentionally curate.
In this episode of Unlimited, I explore a process for supporting changes in your life with holistic intentionality and without exhausting yourself.
Some of what I talk about in this episode includes:
- The power to transform patterns during life transitions
- Navigating the cognitive and emotional load involved in life changes
- How to manage overwhelm and make aligned decisions
- Tools to support yourself through change
LINKS REFERENCED IN THIS EPISODE:
Reclaim Your Routine Workshop Series
Dealing with Impostor Syndrome (podcast episode)
Redefining Our Relationship to Productivity (podcast episode)
Loving Yourself Through Grief (podcast episode)
The Courage to Change (podcast episode)
If you found this episode helpful, please share it!
You can tag me on social: @unlimitedcoachval
Want to share your thoughts or have questions? Send me a message! I love to hear from you.
You can email me at valerie@valeriefriedlander.com or DM me on Instagram
CONNECT WITH VALERIE:
Facebook
Instagram
Get email updates!
Work with Valerie!
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Valerie Friedlander (00:00):
Hello, my friends, and welcome to another
(00:08):
episode of unlimited today weare talking about supporting
changes in your life. This meansreconnecting to your power in
(00:33):
your relationship to change.
That's like you know the idea ofempowerment is connecting to
your power, and that is rootedin your ability to make choices
(00:57):
when we are connected to ourpower in that relationship that
we have to a transition in ourlife, it allows us to transform
(01:22):
patterns that aren't serving usduring that transition period,
which is a really powerful timeto shift. Unfortunately, what
(01:48):
happens is that so often changesin our life feel in some way
like they're imposed upon us,even when they're ones that we
(02:13):
choose, like changing a job,changing a career, the ripple
effect of those changes aretypically things that we kind of
(02:37):
get carried along by, ratherthan that we intentionally
curate. So we say, Okay, I wantto change my job. I'm going from
(03:01):
this job to this job. And it'sthat saying, like, wherever you
go, there you are. So I thinkthat when the conditions of my
(03:27):
workplace change, then I willexperience life differently. And
that can be true. I don't wantto discount the experience of a
(03:52):
different space, like ahealthier workplace, can make a
huge difference, and when wehave learned patterns in an
(04:16):
unhealthy workplace, if we don'tintentionally engage those
patterns, we will carry theminto our current workplace. This
(04:39):
is a good example in impostersyndrome. I've talked about
imposter syndrome. There's aepisode all about it. I will
(05:04):
link it in the show notes, butthat's a good example of
sometimes we carry impostersyndrome from an unhealthy
(05:26):
workplace where we wereHey there. I'm Valerie
Friedlander, Certified Lifeconstantly being fed the
message, directly or indirectly,business alignment coach, and
this is unlimited. This podcastbridges the individual and the
societal, scientific andthat we didn't belong, that we
(05:48):
were a imposter, that wespiritual, positive and
negative, nerdy and no, there'sjust a lot of nerdy come on
board. And let's unlock a lifeassimilated that message, and
then we carry it into a healthythat's as badass as you are.
Change is something that weoften resist, and part of the
reason that we resist it isbecause it takes a lot of
(06:11):
effort. It takes a lot morework, even when we're excited
workplace where we might not bedirectly or indirectly being
about change, even when we wantthe change to happen, like we're
excited about a new job orstarting a business or having
given that message, but becausewe got it so much, we've
kids or taking a trip, movingwhatever it is, any changes take
more effort, and thus there is anatural tension to them. There's
(06:35):
stress involved, and all of thatcan feel like resistance,
internalized it, and without theintentional engagement around
because it takes so much moreenergy. When you're moving from
one space to another space orcreating something new, you need
to think more about what you'redoing, there is more cognitive
shifting that pattern within us,we perpetuate certain dynamics
load, because the frontal cortexis the part of your brain that
(06:58):
makes decisions. It helps youdiscern what you want to do. It
in Our life in a new space wherethose dynamics don't necessarily
helps you pick everything,anything that you have to make a
decision on whether it's bigdecision or little decision,
goes through the frontal cortex,and the frontal cortex burns the
serve or support us. So we'regoing to dig into a little bit
most amount of energy of anypart of your body. Our brains
(07:22):
like patterns because it allowsus to essentially autopilot. It
goes into the part of our brainthat just automatically goes,
about what that looks like. Howdo we support changes in our
Oh, do this? Do this, do this.
And we don't have to make thoseconscious decisions. That burns
less energy. So anything ourlife, beyond just changing our
circumstances, we're going tobrain can send to our autopilot,
it's gonna because, again, burnsless energy. This is one of the
(07:45):
reasons why it can be difficult,especially with executive
functioning challenges, likelook at the nature of change and
transition. What's going onwith ADHD, for example, micro
decisions end up being reallyhard so anything, and I
experienced this too, where it'slike, okay, this seems like an
easy thing to put away. I justwithin us, the tools that we can
harness to support ourselves inneed to pick it up and put it
(08:08):
away, but if I have to decidewhere it goes, if it doesn't
have a home, and I have to makeanother decision, then I have a
roadblock, because it's one morethat period of change. And I
have a little special thing tothing to do. And usually
there's, like, lots of littlemicro decisions. So when we can
identify what those microshare, because I put together a
(08:30):
workshop series in order todecisions are and reduce the
number of micro decisions, thenthat can help us do the things.
One of the benefits when youknow, with kids, you create
homes for their toys. They havesupport you if you're going
through a period of change,like specific places to put
things. One of the benefits tohaving like a capsule wardrobe
or a uniform for yourself, itwhich so many of us are, as we
(08:53):
shift seasons from the summer toreduces the number of decisions
that you need to make in themorning. So any place where you
can reduce decisions will helpyou do more things again. It can
go to that autopilot part ofthe fall, especially if you're a
parent, from the summer to theyour brain. So when we are in a
period of change, there are somany more micro decisions, and
it can be overwhelming, becausesome of those decisions we are
(09:17):
missing information for. Whennew school year. That's one of
those shifts, one of thoseyou step into something new,
there's naturally going to bethings that you don't know
about. Overwhelm is anexperience of something being
bigger than you, as in, it ischanges, one of those
transitions that can feel likebigger than something that you
can hold. So when we getoverwhelmed, it feels like this
(09:39):
is this is too big for me. Iit's imposed upon us because
it's just part of our culturalcannot carry it as it were. When
we don't have information, whenwe're missing details, those
details feel bigger than theymight actually be once we have
them. It might be easier,dynamics, our societal dynamics,
those sorts of things. And thatsimpler, smaller, but when we
don't have that information, itfeels bigger and so often what
(10:02):
will happen is when we'restepping into an unknown space,
especially when our brain isdoes not mean that we don't have
a lot of power in that period.
trying to navigate so manylittle micro decisions, there
may be things that we don'tactually know and we don't even
realize that that is adding toour mental load. Those unknown
So while there may be ripplesthat kind of carry us along,
(10:24):
pieces are adding to what ourbrain is trying to carry, but
because they're not a knownquantity, they're taking up even
like the schedule, things thatwe don't necessarily have direct
more space. So one of the thingsthat I'll do with people is try
and right size stuff like Allright? Well, let's look at
what's known and what's notknown, and what can you do to
(10:45):
power over, because, oh, my sonwants to do this, so my daughter
help clarify what is not known,what questions do we need to
ask, what information do we needto gather, and that can actually
really simplify and reducestress around a transition,
wants to do that, or my childwants to do this other thing.
something that I have talked alot about is that idea of
(11:05):
creating an enough. What isenough in this situation? Part
of the reason that's so helpfulis because it gives a quantity.
It's overwhelming sometimes, buthow do we take those spaces and
Instead of something being somuch bigger, like there's never
enough, you're always filling abottomless pit, which will
right size them into somethingthat feels like we can have
naturally feel bigger than you.
So when you can quantify whatenough is, whether it's enough
(11:29):
time, whether it's enough money,whether it's enough space,
whatever it is, if you canownership over how we show up to
them, how we navigate them, andquantify what enough is, at
least to a certain extent, maybeit's a range, right, like, maybe
it's not a specific amount. It'sjust like I will often talk
about, like, good, better, bestmake sure that we are owning our
choices within those periods ofwhen we're talking about
(11:52):
financials, because that helpsus give a range so that it
doesn't feel as overwhelming totry and fit an unknown into a
quantity that might be wrong.
change, as well as supportingour own ability to utilize that
Because, of course, anytime weget activated in a oh, I don't
want to choose the wrong thing.
I don't want to pick the wrongperiod to create systems for
(12:14):
ourselves that work better thanthing, then we reduce our
perspective. And again, when wereduce our perspective, the
things outside of that feel moreoverwhelming. So we're carrying
even more and it's bigger thanmaybe we would have if we were
just on autopilot. Or maybe thenus, or it feels bigger than us.
So if we can give it some sortof container that can be
helpful, this is the value withidentifying what you want, being
(12:37):
clear on your values, settingthe tools that we were using in,
say, the summer period, work forboundaries that relate to that,
because it creates thatcontainer for discernment, it
creates a container thatsupports you. Now, I had a
client recently say this idea ofus in the winter period, that
sort of thing. So lots to talka container felt too
constricting and it was reallyjust the word. The word just
(12:59):
didn't work for her. So Iencourage you, like, if I ever
use a word that you're feelingabout there. I will let you know
right now that coming soon, likeconstricted by it doesn't
resonate. I'm sure there areother words that can relate. So
we use the word space. How doyou create your space? Curate
your space? And I think of youas in a week and a half, I have
a visioning workshop that isknow, like even just a room for
(13:21):
myself, I want that space to besupportive. So what supports the
space. What's the foundations?
connected to a reclaim yourroutine. Workshop Series, so
What's the walls? What gives thecovering? That's part of what I
do. When we're talking aboutvisioning, it's not really the
future thing that we're chasing.
It's what are we creating thatI've lumped them all together.
(13:42):
You can do the visioningbuilds a foundation for us in
the present moment. Part of thatis that, because of this
conditioning around once we haveseparately, but I recommend the
whole thing. And if you're athis thing, then we'll be this
person that leads us to alwayschasing and we don't take the
time to reflect on what are thepatterns in my life that are
(14:04):
creating, some of the conditionsbusiness owner and you're
looking to harness this time forthat I'm experiencing or that
are informing my perception orlimiting what I feel like I have
access to, or the questions thatyour business, recognizing that
we're heading into q4 and weI might ask, or the things that
I might pursue or invite in, orthe opportunities we don't think
to explore those because we havetaken in this idea that if we
(14:28):
change this thing, then thosewant to prepare for the next
year, I have a business planningthings will follow. But
unfortunately, again, because ofour brain liking patterns, if we
don't engage those patterns,then we will prepare. Actuate
some of them, at least in ourworkshop that you can add on, or
you can do separately, kind oflife, and the ones that we don't
again, can feel like extraweight because we're making
(14:51):
additional decisions. So what Iusually will recommend when a
period of transition is present,like a choose your own adventure
sort of thing. So all of that iswhether it is one that you
chose, or one that feels likeit's kind of just happening, is
one to recognize what yourcapacity is and that you're
using more of it in the processgoing to be linked in the show
notes, and I'll talk a littleof the change. You are making
(15:13):
more decisions, and I onlytalked about like the
logistical, cognitive part. Ibit about it in the episode. So
now, without further ado, let'swant to take a hot second here
to acknowledge the emotionalpart too, because a lot of times
our transitions, our changes inour life, involve emotions,
because we're emotional beings,get started.
(15:36):
and so often we have feelingsabout what's happening in that
change, and sometimes we'reexcited about it. Sometimes we
have grief around it. Sometimeswe have both. And that is a lot.
There is something known as theemotional load, and that also
takes energy. We are carrying anemotional load, and especially
(15:59):
if there are people around youor people that you are
responsible for caring for thatalso have emotions many of us
have either internalized orchosen to have some
responsibility around supportingother people's emotional
processing, especially withkids, we need to be able to
(16:20):
emotionally regulate so that wecan support their ability to
emotionally regulate.
Unfortunately, we have a lot ofstuff in the patriarchy around
having to emotionally regulatemen in our life, and especially
those who are socialized aswomen regulating our male folks
in our life's emotions, and sowe end up carrying, whether that
(16:43):
is appropriate or not, a lot ofadditional emotional load from a
transition. So knowing whatthose facets are, and I want to
be really clear here, that thereis no judgment in that it's
really just an acknowledgement.
We can talk about transitioning,that we can talk about releasing
(17:07):
the emotional load that isn'tyours. Those are things that are
important to work on, especiallyif you are caring more than you
really can hold therapy is greatfor this work. Sometimes it
comes into the coaching workbecause it's something that we
identify as something going onthat's draining capacity when
(17:30):
you want to have more capacity,but that's a often the
therapeutic kind of process. Butknowing that whether we're
changing it or not, if we canfactor it into our awareness of
what our capacity is, then wecan be much more reasonable with
ourselves. Too often we havethis idea that once you make a
(17:53):
decision, then it's boom, boom.
Okay, now we're done, and thatis generally not the case again,
because of the cognitive andemotional load of that change,
of that transition, we aren'ttaught to give room for that.
We're certainly not taught togive room for emotions, but the
cognitive logistical part too,we aren't given. I mean, just
(18:17):
think about the lack of timewe're given when we have a baby,
maternity leave, paternityleave, those sorts of things,
parental leave, we don't allowroom for that in the US, and
that speaks to the conditioningthat we receive, even Just
indirectly, that it shouldn't besomething that needs a lot of
(18:39):
extra space. We should just beable to do it. Notice my use of
shoulds there shoulds covershame. Anytime we're using a
should there is an element ofthe tool of shame to motivate
ourselves to do a thing. Sowatch that, because that also
drains energy. So then we havethe energetic drain of the
(19:02):
change and the transition, andon top of that is the energetic
drain of the pressure and pushand shame on ourselves of not
being somewhere that we justaren't instead of allowing
ourselves room to recognize thatthis is a process and we need
room for that, we need space forthat, we need support for that.
(19:25):
So I encourage you, in anyperiod of change, any period of
transition, bake in more roomthan. You think you need as much
as you can, I recognize thatthere are a lot of constraints
around our ability to do that sowhere you can't, especially give
yourself grace, at least removethat tool of shame and pick up a
(19:49):
tool of compassion to care foryourself through that
transition, I recently closed mygroup coaching. I hope to start
another group coaching in thefuture, but I've had this one
going for six years through thepandemic, and I was like, okay,
you know what? This logicallymakes sense. It is time. I am
(20:12):
sad about it. This is a reallyhard decision, and it's time.
And after I did it, I sobbed fora good chunk of time. Gave
myself a good chunk of time. Ididn't realize I was going to
need it. I really didn't. Icould have foreseen it,
supposedly, maybe, if I thoughtabout it, but I hadn't. So
(20:34):
sometimes we're going to get hitwith the emotional component
that we don't realize untilwe're going through it. And
that's part of how grief works.
So recognizing that even whenyou're choosing something
intentionally, there's going tobe emotions around it. It
(20:56):
doesn't always feel good, evenif it makes sense to do. I
talked about this with mycolleague, Lisa zaratni,
colleague and friend veryrecently. I will link that
episode in the show notes, andso that sometimes we have to
make those decisions, and thosecan be really difficult. The
(21:18):
other piece so we've got makingsure that you're giving yourself
space. We've got making surewe're giving ourselves grace.
And then the other piece is partof that space, if at all
possible, is intentionallyengaging those components that I
mentioned before about yourvision, your values, the
(21:40):
container or space or structurethat you want to create to
support yourself being theperson that you want to be.
Harness that time of transitionto reflect on what this
transition means for you. Who doyou want to be? How do you want
to experience life? How do youwant to show up to life? What
(22:02):
impact do you want to make?
Really give yourself some spaceto evaluate those things, so
that you can make those newdecisions that you have in front
of you in this new space, inalignment with that person,
rather than in the autopilot ofthe other person who was in the
other space. And I mean thiseven in a the other space being
(22:25):
summertime and the new spacebeing the school year or fall or
whatever it is, so givingyourself that room to create the
new container with intention, sothat it's easier one to make
some of those micro decisionsthat you have in front of you,
instead of like having to havethis whole new framework of
(22:48):
thinking and to so that you'renot repeating patterns that
don't serve you in the newcontainer, whether it's a new
season or a new job or a newbusiness or whatever. So often I
work with people who arestarting businesses or pivoting
in their business, and you know,so, for example, say they came
(23:11):
out of corporate and they'restarting a business, and they're
like, why am I burning out? LikeI started a business so that I
wouldn't burn out because I wasburning out in corporate now I'm
burning out in my business. Am Ijust always going to burn out?
Well, there are certain patternsthat we learn that we have more
(23:35):
control over when we run our ownbusiness, that we autopilot,
because it's what we've learnedin our corporate spaces. So it
does take that intentionalchecking in and setting a new
foundation for yourself to beable to support yourself better.
So those are the core thingsthat I would encourage you in a
(23:58):
period of transition to reallysupport changes in your life,
and owning your power in yourrelationship to that change is
making that room as much as youcan to really get clarity around
what the new container is foryou and what you want that
container to contain. Whatsupports you? What do you want
(24:21):
to let go of? What do you wantto say yes to, all of those
micro decisions that are part ofwhy you wanted to change in the
first place, if it was chosen.
And if it wasn't chosen how youwant to show up to this new
space that has been imposed uponyou, giving yourself room to set
(24:45):
that foundation of the newspace, giving yourself room for
the additional cognitive andemotional load in the new space,
giving yourself a lot of gracein this period of transition,
because it does take moreenergy, and so you are using
more of your capacity. So weneed to make sure that we're
(25:07):
spending some time torejuvenate, to refill so we're
not completely depletingourselves as we kick off this
new space. And so much grace, somuch grace. I think I may have
said that already, but it'sreally key. I work with a lot of
people who have kids in back toschool, and so the fall is
(25:29):
really a time where there's alot of shifting in our routines,
but it's not just kids. I mean,there's traffic shifting because
of back to school, and there maybe career shifting or personal
shifting, seasonal shifting fromthe summer season to the fall
season. Sometimes our patternsneed to shift with weather
(25:53):
shifting or environmentalshifting, and also the fact that
we're living in a period ofchange. There's a lot of change
in our society, and that can beoverwhelming again, things that
are imposed upon us. So whatI've put together is a workshop
called reclaim your routine.
We're starting with buildingthat foundation. So it's the
(26:16):
visioning workshop that I'vedone a number of times as a
standalone that kind of is thefoundation for all of the other
workshops that I do, in a lot ofways, whether we spend a deep
dive in it or just touch on it,I pretty much always include a
lot of those things, becausejust like I said here when we're
(26:39):
looking at transitions which Itypically am supporting people
through, that's a big facet. Sowe need to set that foundation,
get that clarity. So in thisreclaim your routine workshop
series, we are starting withthat foundational workshop of
the visioning, and then if youcontinue to do the rest of the
(27:02):
Reclaim your routine workshop,you will get some homework to
assess your current routine, tokind of see what are the
dynamics that are showing upright now for you. In the next
workshop, we'll dig intounderstanding why those routines
are there, what they're doing,so that we can bridge between
(27:25):
the purpose that those routinesare serving in your life right
now and the vision that youhave. So what you want to be
creating with your routine andbuild a new routine that is more
supportive for you, then you'llhave the time to notice how that
works, some homework to diginto, how does that work for you
(27:48):
when you implement this newroutine? And then the next
workshop will be aboutaccountability and
troubleshooting, where we'll diginto, okay, what worked, what
didn't? How did it support you?
How did it not support you?
Because sometimes we buildsomething and we're like, oh,
(28:09):
that didn't do what I wanted itto do. We have more information,
more data, and then we'll buildout what the new or adjusted
routine needs to look like foryou. And with all of that,
you'll learn the process fordoing it for yourself. In
addition, if you are a businessowner, I have an extra add on,
(28:32):
which is the 2025 business goalsworkshop, business planning
workshop, and that you can alsosign up for as like an add on,
or you can do it as astandalone. If you're like, I'm
good with all the rest of it, Iwant to do that. And if you
don't do the visioning workshop,I will send you something to do
(28:55):
because, again, it's kind offoundational for all the things.
So if that's something that youare interested in, I will have a
link to sign up in the shownotes. You are welcome to reach
out to me with any questions,and on the off chance you are
listening to this after thefact, when it would has already
(29:18):
passed, send me a message ifthat's something that you want
to work on, and one I will makesure to check in with you next
time I offer it. It's alwaysgood for me to know that people
are interested, so that I knowthat I should add it to my list
for next year. And I have anumber of resources that I can
(29:41):
send you to support you in theinterim, or we can chat about
working together in a one to onecoaching dynamic. So I hope this
has been helpful for you. Iwould love to see you in the
workshop series, and I will talkto you all next time.
(30:02):
Thanks for listening. I soappreciate you being here. If
you got something out of today'sepisode, please share it, leave
me a review, take a screenshotand post it on social with a
shout out to me. Send it to afriend or, you know all of the
above. Want to hang out more,join me on Instagram, or, better
yet, get on my mailing list tomake sure you don't miss out on
(30:23):
anything, and remember yourpossibilities are as unlimited
as you are. Allow yourself toshine, my friend, the world
needs your light. See you nexttime you.
Hello, my friends, and welcome to another
(00:08):
episode of unlimited today weare talking about supporting
changes in your life. This meansreconnecting to your power in
(00:33):
your relationship to change.
That's like you know the idea ofempowerment is connecting to
your power, and that is rootedin your ability to make choices
(00:57):
when we are connected to ourpower in that relationship that
we have to a transition in ourlife, it allows us to transform
(01:22):
patterns that aren't serving usduring that transition period,
which is a really powerful timeto shift. Unfortunately, what
(01:48):
happens is that so often changesin our life feel in some way
like they're imposed upon us,even when they're ones that we
(02:13):
choose, like changing a job,changing a career, the ripple
effect of those changes aretypically things that we kind of
(02:37):
get carried along by, ratherthan that we intentionally
curate. So we say, Okay, I wantto change my job. I'm going from
(03:01):
this job to this job. And it'sthat saying, like, wherever you
go, there you are. So I thinkthat when the conditions of my
(03:27):
workplace change, then I willexperience life differently. And
that can be true. I don't wantto discount the experience of a
(03:52):
different space, like ahealthier workplace, can make a
huge difference, and when wehave learned patterns in an
(04:16):
unhealthy workplace, if we don'tintentionally engage those
patterns, we will carry theminto our current workplace. This
(04:39):
is a good example in impostersyndrome. I've talked about
imposter syndrome. There's aepisode all about it. I will
(05:04):
link it in the show notes, butthat's a good example of
sometimes we carry impostersyndrome from an unhealthy
(05:26):
workplace where we wereHey there. I'm Valerie
Friedlander, Certified Lifeconstantly being fed the
message, directly or indirectly,business alignment coach, and
this is unlimited. This podcastbridges the individual and the
societal, scientific andthat we didn't belong, that we
(05:48):
were a imposter, that wespiritual, positive and
negative, nerdy and no, there'sjust a lot of nerdy come on
board. And let's unlock a lifeassimilated that message, and
then we carry it into a healthythat's as badass as you are.
Change is something that weoften resist, and part of the
reason that we resist it isbecause it takes a lot of
(06:11):
effort. It takes a lot morework, even when we're excited
workplace where we might not bedirectly or indirectly being
about change, even when we wantthe change to happen, like we're
excited about a new job orstarting a business or having
given that message, but becausewe got it so much, we've
kids or taking a trip, movingwhatever it is, any changes take
more effort, and thus there is anatural tension to them. There's
(06:35):
stress involved, and all of thatcan feel like resistance,
internalized it, and without theintentional engagement around
because it takes so much moreenergy. When you're moving from
one space to another space orcreating something new, you need
to think more about what you'redoing, there is more cognitive
shifting that pattern within us,we perpetuate certain dynamics
load, because the frontal cortexis the part of your brain that
(06:58):
makes decisions. It helps youdiscern what you want to do. It
in Our life in a new space wherethose dynamics don't necessarily
helps you pick everything,anything that you have to make a
decision on whether it's bigdecision or little decision,
goes through the frontal cortex,and the frontal cortex burns the
serve or support us. So we'regoing to dig into a little bit
most amount of energy of anypart of your body. Our brains
(07:22):
like patterns because it allowsus to essentially autopilot. It
goes into the part of our brainthat just automatically goes,
about what that looks like. Howdo we support changes in our
Oh, do this? Do this, do this.
And we don't have to make thoseconscious decisions. That burns
less energy. So anything ourlife, beyond just changing our
circumstances, we're going tobrain can send to our autopilot,
it's gonna because, again, burnsless energy. This is one of the
(07:45):
reasons why it can be difficult,especially with executive
functioning challenges, likelook at the nature of change and
transition. What's going onwith ADHD, for example, micro
decisions end up being reallyhard so anything, and I
experienced this too, where it'slike, okay, this seems like an
easy thing to put away. I justwithin us, the tools that we can
harness to support ourselves inneed to pick it up and put it
(08:08):
away, but if I have to decidewhere it goes, if it doesn't
have a home, and I have to makeanother decision, then I have a
roadblock, because it's one morethat period of change. And I
have a little special thing tothing to do. And usually
there's, like, lots of littlemicro decisions. So when we can
identify what those microshare, because I put together a
(08:30):
workshop series in order todecisions are and reduce the
number of micro decisions, thenthat can help us do the things.
One of the benefits when youknow, with kids, you create
homes for their toys. They havesupport you if you're going
through a period of change,like specific places to put
things. One of the benefits tohaving like a capsule wardrobe
or a uniform for yourself, itwhich so many of us are, as we
(08:53):
shift seasons from the summer toreduces the number of decisions
that you need to make in themorning. So any place where you
can reduce decisions will helpyou do more things again. It can
go to that autopilot part ofthe fall, especially if you're a
parent, from the summer to theyour brain. So when we are in a
period of change, there are somany more micro decisions, and
it can be overwhelming, becausesome of those decisions we are
(09:17):
missing information for. Whennew school year. That's one of
those shifts, one of thoseyou step into something new,
there's naturally going to bethings that you don't know
about. Overwhelm is anexperience of something being
bigger than you, as in, it ischanges, one of those
transitions that can feel likebigger than something that you
can hold. So when we getoverwhelmed, it feels like this
(09:39):
is this is too big for me. Iit's imposed upon us because
it's just part of our culturalcannot carry it as it were. When
we don't have information, whenwe're missing details, those
details feel bigger than theymight actually be once we have
them. It might be easier,dynamics, our societal dynamics,
those sorts of things. And thatsimpler, smaller, but when we
don't have that information, itfeels bigger and so often what
(10:02):
will happen is when we'restepping into an unknown space,
especially when our brain isdoes not mean that we don't have
a lot of power in that period.
trying to navigate so manylittle micro decisions, there
may be things that we don'tactually know and we don't even
realize that that is adding toour mental load. Those unknown
So while there may be ripplesthat kind of carry us along,
(10:24):
pieces are adding to what ourbrain is trying to carry, but
because they're not a knownquantity, they're taking up even
like the schedule, things thatwe don't necessarily have direct
more space. So one of the thingsthat I'll do with people is try
and right size stuff like Allright? Well, let's look at
what's known and what's notknown, and what can you do to
(10:45):
power over, because, oh, my sonwants to do this, so my daughter
help clarify what is not known,what questions do we need to
ask, what information do we needto gather, and that can actually
really simplify and reducestress around a transition,
wants to do that, or my childwants to do this other thing.
something that I have talked alot about is that idea of
(11:05):
creating an enough. What isenough in this situation? Part
of the reason that's so helpfulis because it gives a quantity.
It's overwhelming sometimes, buthow do we take those spaces and
Instead of something being somuch bigger, like there's never
enough, you're always filling abottomless pit, which will
right size them into somethingthat feels like we can have
naturally feel bigger than you.
So when you can quantify whatenough is, whether it's enough
(11:29):
time, whether it's enough money,whether it's enough space,
whatever it is, if you canownership over how we show up to
them, how we navigate them, andquantify what enough is, at
least to a certain extent, maybeit's a range, right, like, maybe
it's not a specific amount. It'sjust like I will often talk
about, like, good, better, bestmake sure that we are owning our
choices within those periods ofwhen we're talking about
(11:52):
financials, because that helpsus give a range so that it
doesn't feel as overwhelming totry and fit an unknown into a
quantity that might be wrong.
change, as well as supportingour own ability to utilize that
Because, of course, anytime weget activated in a oh, I don't
want to choose the wrong thing.
I don't want to pick the wrongperiod to create systems for
(12:14):
ourselves that work better thanthing, then we reduce our
perspective. And again, when wereduce our perspective, the
things outside of that feel moreoverwhelming. So we're carrying
even more and it's bigger thanmaybe we would have if we were
just on autopilot. Or maybe thenus, or it feels bigger than us.
So if we can give it some sortof container that can be
helpful, this is the value withidentifying what you want, being
(12:37):
clear on your values, settingthe tools that we were using in,
say, the summer period, work forboundaries that relate to that,
because it creates thatcontainer for discernment, it
creates a container thatsupports you. Now, I had a
client recently say this idea ofus in the winter period, that
sort of thing. So lots to talka container felt too
constricting and it was reallyjust the word. The word just
(12:59):
didn't work for her. So Iencourage you, like, if I ever
use a word that you're feelingabout there. I will let you know
right now that coming soon, likeconstricted by it doesn't
resonate. I'm sure there areother words that can relate. So
we use the word space. How doyou create your space? Curate
your space? And I think of youas in a week and a half, I have
a visioning workshop that isknow, like even just a room for
(13:21):
myself, I want that space to besupportive. So what supports the
space. What's the foundations?
connected to a reclaim yourroutine. Workshop Series, so
What's the walls? What gives thecovering? That's part of what I
do. When we're talking aboutvisioning, it's not really the
future thing that we're chasing.
It's what are we creating thatI've lumped them all together.
(13:42):
You can do the visioningbuilds a foundation for us in
the present moment. Part of thatis that, because of this
conditioning around once we haveseparately, but I recommend the
whole thing. And if you're athis thing, then we'll be this
person that leads us to alwayschasing and we don't take the
time to reflect on what are thepatterns in my life that are
(14:04):
creating, some of the conditionsbusiness owner and you're
looking to harness this time forthat I'm experiencing or that
are informing my perception orlimiting what I feel like I have
access to, or the questions thatyour business, recognizing that
we're heading into q4 and weI might ask, or the things that
I might pursue or invite in, orthe opportunities we don't think
to explore those because we havetaken in this idea that if we
(14:28):
change this thing, then thosewant to prepare for the next
year, I have a business planningthings will follow. But
unfortunately, again, because ofour brain liking patterns, if we
don't engage those patterns,then we will prepare. Actuate
some of them, at least in ourworkshop that you can add on, or
you can do separately, kind oflife, and the ones that we don't
again, can feel like extraweight because we're making
(14:51):
additional decisions. So what Iusually will recommend when a
period of transition is present,like a choose your own adventure
sort of thing. So all of that iswhether it is one that you
chose, or one that feels likeit's kind of just happening, is
one to recognize what yourcapacity is and that you're
using more of it in the processgoing to be linked in the show
notes, and I'll talk a littleof the change. You are making
(15:13):
more decisions, and I onlytalked about like the
logistical, cognitive part. Ibit about it in the episode. So
now, without further ado, let'swant to take a hot second here
to acknowledge the emotionalpart too, because a lot of times
our transitions, our changes inour life, involve emotions,
because we're emotional beings,get started.
(15:36):
and so often we have feelingsabout what's happening in that
change, and sometimes we'reexcited about it. Sometimes we
have grief around it. Sometimeswe have both. And that is a lot.
There is something known as theemotional load, and that also
takes energy. We are carrying anemotional load, and especially
(15:59):
if there are people around youor people that you are
responsible for caring for thatalso have emotions many of us
have either internalized orchosen to have some
responsibility around supportingother people's emotional
processing, especially withkids, we need to be able to
(16:20):
emotionally regulate so that wecan support their ability to
emotionally regulate.
Unfortunately, we have a lot ofstuff in the patriarchy around
having to emotionally regulatemen in our life, and especially
those who are socialized aswomen regulating our male folks
in our life's emotions, and sowe end up carrying, whether that
(16:43):
is appropriate or not, a lot ofadditional emotional load from a
transition. So knowing whatthose facets are, and I want to
be really clear here, that thereis no judgment in that it's
really just an acknowledgement.
We can talk about transitioning,that we can talk about releasing
(17:07):
the emotional load that isn'tyours. Those are things that are
important to work on, especiallyif you are caring more than you
really can hold therapy is greatfor this work. Sometimes it
comes into the coaching workbecause it's something that we
identify as something going onthat's draining capacity when
(17:30):
you want to have more capacity,but that's a often the
therapeutic kind of process. Butknowing that whether we're
changing it or not, if we canfactor it into our awareness of
what our capacity is, then wecan be much more reasonable with
ourselves. Too often we havethis idea that once you make a
(17:53):
decision, then it's boom, boom.
Okay, now we're done, and thatis generally not the case again,
because of the cognitive andemotional load of that change,
of that transition, we aren'ttaught to give room for that.
We're certainly not taught togive room for emotions, but the
cognitive logistical part too,we aren't given. I mean, just
(18:17):
think about the lack of timewe're given when we have a baby,
maternity leave, paternityleave, those sorts of things,
parental leave, we don't allowroom for that in the US, and
that speaks to the conditioningthat we receive, even Just
indirectly, that it shouldn't besomething that needs a lot of
(18:39):
extra space. We should just beable to do it. Notice my use of
shoulds there shoulds covershame. Anytime we're using a
should there is an element ofthe tool of shame to motivate
ourselves to do a thing. Sowatch that, because that also
drains energy. So then we havethe energetic drain of the
(19:02):
change and the transition, andon top of that is the energetic
drain of the pressure and pushand shame on ourselves of not
being somewhere that we justaren't instead of allowing
ourselves room to recognize thatthis is a process and we need
room for that, we need space forthat, we need support for that.
(19:25):
So I encourage you, in anyperiod of change, any period of
transition, bake in more roomthan. You think you need as much
as you can, I recognize thatthere are a lot of constraints
around our ability to do that sowhere you can't, especially give
yourself grace, at least removethat tool of shame and pick up a
(19:49):
tool of compassion to care foryourself through that
transition, I recently closed mygroup coaching. I hope to start
another group coaching in thefuture, but I've had this one
going for six years through thepandemic, and I was like, okay,
you know what? This logicallymakes sense. It is time. I am
(20:12):
sad about it. This is a reallyhard decision, and it's time.
And after I did it, I sobbed fora good chunk of time. Gave
myself a good chunk of time. Ididn't realize I was going to
need it. I really didn't. Icould have foreseen it,
supposedly, maybe, if I thoughtabout it, but I hadn't. So
(20:34):
sometimes we're going to get hitwith the emotional component
that we don't realize untilwe're going through it. And
that's part of how grief works.
So recognizing that even whenyou're choosing something
intentionally, there's going tobe emotions around it. It
(20:56):
doesn't always feel good, evenif it makes sense to do. I
talked about this with mycolleague, Lisa zaratni,
colleague and friend veryrecently. I will link that
episode in the show notes, andso that sometimes we have to
make those decisions, and thosecan be really difficult. The
(21:18):
other piece so we've got makingsure that you're giving yourself
space. We've got making surewe're giving ourselves grace.
And then the other piece is partof that space, if at all
possible, is intentionallyengaging those components that I
mentioned before about yourvision, your values, the
(21:40):
container or space or structurethat you want to create to
support yourself being theperson that you want to be.
Harness that time of transitionto reflect on what this
transition means for you. Who doyou want to be? How do you want
to experience life? How do youwant to show up to life? What
(22:02):
impact do you want to make?
Really give yourself some spaceto evaluate those things, so
that you can make those newdecisions that you have in front
of you in this new space, inalignment with that person,
rather than in the autopilot ofthe other person who was in the
other space. And I mean thiseven in a the other space being
(22:25):
summertime and the new spacebeing the school year or fall or
whatever it is, so givingyourself that room to create the
new container with intention, sothat it's easier one to make
some of those micro decisionsthat you have in front of you,
instead of like having to havethis whole new framework of
(22:48):
thinking and to so that you'renot repeating patterns that
don't serve you in the newcontainer, whether it's a new
season or a new job or a newbusiness or whatever. So often I
work with people who arestarting businesses or pivoting
in their business, and you know,so, for example, say they came
(23:11):
out of corporate and they'restarting a business, and they're
like, why am I burning out? LikeI started a business so that I
wouldn't burn out because I wasburning out in corporate now I'm
burning out in my business. Am Ijust always going to burn out?
Well, there are certain patternsthat we learn that we have more
(23:35):
control over when we run our ownbusiness, that we autopilot,
because it's what we've learnedin our corporate spaces. So it
does take that intentionalchecking in and setting a new
foundation for yourself to beable to support yourself better.
So those are the core thingsthat I would encourage you in a
(23:58):
period of transition to reallysupport changes in your life,
and owning your power in yourrelationship to that change is
making that room as much as youcan to really get clarity around
what the new container is foryou and what you want that
container to contain. Whatsupports you? What do you want
(24:21):
to let go of? What do you wantto say yes to, all of those
micro decisions that are part ofwhy you wanted to change in the
first place, if it was chosen.
And if it wasn't chosen how youwant to show up to this new
space that has been imposed uponyou, giving yourself room to set
(24:45):
that foundation of the newspace, giving yourself room for
the additional cognitive andemotional load in the new space,
giving yourself a lot of gracein this period of transition,
because it does take moreenergy, and so you are using
more of your capacity. So weneed to make sure that we're
(25:07):
spending some time torejuvenate, to refill so we're
not completely depletingourselves as we kick off this
new space. And so much grace, somuch grace. I think I may have
said that already, but it'sreally key. I work with a lot of
people who have kids in back toschool, and so the fall is
(25:29):
really a time where there's alot of shifting in our routines,
but it's not just kids. I mean,there's traffic shifting because
of back to school, and there maybe career shifting or personal
shifting, seasonal shifting fromthe summer season to the fall
season. Sometimes our patternsneed to shift with weather
(25:53):
shifting or environmentalshifting, and also the fact that
we're living in a period ofchange. There's a lot of change
in our society, and that can beoverwhelming again, things that
are imposed upon us. So whatI've put together is a workshop
called reclaim your routine.
We're starting with buildingthat foundation. So it's the
(26:16):
visioning workshop that I'vedone a number of times as a
standalone that kind of is thefoundation for all of the other
workshops that I do, in a lot ofways, whether we spend a deep
dive in it or just touch on it,I pretty much always include a
lot of those things, becausejust like I said here when we're
(26:39):
looking at transitions which Itypically am supporting people
through, that's a big facet. Sowe need to set that foundation,
get that clarity. So in thisreclaim your routine workshop
series, we are starting withthat foundational workshop of
the visioning, and then if youcontinue to do the rest of the
(27:02):
Reclaim your routine workshop,you will get some homework to
assess your current routine, tokind of see what are the
dynamics that are showing upright now for you. In the next
workshop, we'll dig intounderstanding why those routines
are there, what they're doing,so that we can bridge between
(27:25):
the purpose that those routinesare serving in your life right
now and the vision that youhave. So what you want to be
creating with your routine andbuild a new routine that is more
supportive for you, then you'llhave the time to notice how that
works, some homework to diginto, how does that work for you
(27:48):
when you implement this newroutine? And then the next
workshop will be aboutaccountability and
troubleshooting, where we'll diginto, okay, what worked, what
didn't? How did it support you?
How did it not support you?
Because sometimes we buildsomething and we're like, oh,
(28:09):
that didn't do what I wanted itto do. We have more information,
more data, and then we'll buildout what the new or adjusted
routine needs to look like foryou. And with all of that,
you'll learn the process fordoing it for yourself. In
addition, if you are a businessowner, I have an extra add on,
(28:32):
which is the 2025 business goalsworkshop, business planning
workshop, and that you can alsosign up for as like an add on,
or you can do it as astandalone. If you're like, I'm
good with all the rest of it, Iwant to do that. And if you
don't do the visioning workshop,I will send you something to do
(28:55):
because, again, it's kind offoundational for all the things.
So if that's something that youare interested in, I will have a
link to sign up in the shownotes. You are welcome to reach
out to me with any questions,and on the off chance you are
listening to this after thefact, when it would has already
(29:18):
passed, send me a message ifthat's something that you want
to work on, and one I will makesure to check in with you next
time I offer it. It's alwaysgood for me to know that people
are interested, so that I knowthat I should add it to my list
for next year. And I have anumber of resources that I can
(29:41):
send you to support you in theinterim, or we can chat about
working together in a one to onecoaching dynamic. So I hope this
has been helpful for you. Iwould love to see you in the
workshop series, and I will talkto you all next time.
(30:02):
Thanks for listening. I soappreciate you being here. If
you got something out of today'sepisode, please share it, leave
me a review, take a screenshotand post it on social with a
shout out to me. Send it to afriend or, you know all of the
above. Want to hang out more,join me on Instagram, or, better
yet, get on my mailing list tomake sure you don't miss out on
(30:23):
anything, and remember yourpossibilities are as unlimited
as you are. Allow yourself toshine, my friend, the world
needs your light. See you nexttime you.
Popular Podcasts
Are You A Charlotte?
In 1997, actress Kristin Davis’ life was forever changed when she took on the role of Charlotte York in Sex and the City. As we watched Carrie, Samantha, Miranda and Charlotte navigate relationships in NYC, the show helped push once unacceptable conversation topics out of the shadows and altered the narrative around women and sex. We all saw ourselves in them as they searched for fulfillment in life, sex and friendships. Now, Kristin Davis wants to connect with you, the fans, and share untold stories and all the behind the scenes. Together, with Kristin and special guests, what will begin with Sex and the City will evolve into talks about themes that are still so relevant today. "Are you a Charlotte?" is much more than just rewatching this beloved show, it brings the past and the present together as we talk with heart, humor and of course some optimism.
Dateline NBC
Current and classic episodes, featuring compelling true-crime mysteries, powerful documentaries and in-depth investigations. Follow now to get the latest episodes of Dateline NBC completely free, or subscribe to Dateline Premium for ad-free listening and exclusive bonus content: DatelinePremium.com
Stuff You Should Know
If you've ever wanted to know about champagne, satanism, the Stonewall Uprising, chaos theory, LSD, El Nino, true crime and Rosa Parks, then look no further. Josh and Chuck have you covered.