April 23, 2025 • 14 mins
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Is Your Perfectionism Really Just a Stress Response?
In this episode of The Empowered Educator Podcast, we uncover the hidden connection between perfectionism and your brain’s stress response system — especially for educators. Learn why perfectionism isn’t a personal flaw, but a learned survival strategy rooted in fear, fawn mode, and a nervous system trying to keep you safe.
You’ll discover:
- How perfectionism acts as protective armor against failure, rejection, and shame
- The neuroscience of stress: how your amygdala triggers fight, flight, freeze, or fawn responses
- Why perfectionism often shows up in “fawn mode” — over-accommodating, over-achieving, and over-functioning
- How school systems unintentionally reinforce perfectionism through rewards and rankings
- Why students need regulated, not perfect, teachers — and how authenticity creates deeper classroom impact
- Tools and practices to rewire your brain for calm, confidence, and compassion
- How self-compassion builds new neural pathways and helps you reclaim your joy
🎁 Explore soul-nourishing, educator-centered gifts and resources at empowerededucator.com/school-store — because the most generous thing you can do for your students is take care of you.
Stay empowered,
Jen
Let’s keep the conversation going! Find me at:
empowerededucator.com/resources
Instagram: @jenrafferty_
Facebook: Empowered Educator Faculty Room
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Are you feeling exhausted by the constant
demands of teaching?
Do you find yourself wonderingif there's a way to balance both
your career and your well-beingwithout burning out?
Welcome to Unlock your TeachingPotential, your permission slip
to hit the brakes, recharge andreignite your joy for teaching
and living.
(00:20):
I'm Dr Jen Rafferty, formermusic teacher, author, tedx
speaker and founder of EmpoweredEducator, and I've been where
you are exhausted, overwhelmedand just trying to get through
the day, making it all work.
So each week, I'll bring youshort, powerful episodes with
actionable tools to help youreclaim your energy, set
(00:41):
boundaries and step into yourfull potential, both in and out
of your role as an educator.
So take a breath and let's divein.
It's time to unlock yourteaching potential, because the
world needs you at your best.
Today we are unravelingsomething so many of us carry
(01:04):
like a badge of honor, butunderneath it's often a really
heavy weight.
That's perfectionism.
If you're a teacher or a schoolleader who prides yourself on
getting things just right theperfect lesson, the perfect
response, the perfect email,even the perfect classroom decor
you are not alone.
(01:24):
But here's the thingPerfectionism isn't actually
about excellence.
I'm going to say that again.
Perfectionism isn't actuallyabout excellence.
It's often about protection.
So today's episode is aninvitation not to fix or change
yourself you are not broken,there is nothing wrong with you
(01:45):
but to get curious.
What if your perfectionismisn't a flaw but a form of armor
that you learn to wear?
What if it's actually aresponse that your nervous
system learned to keep you safe?
And we're not here to judge it.
We're here to understand it andto see it for what it really is
, because perfectionism is not apersonality flaw, it is not a
(02:10):
character defect.
It is often a stress responseand maybe, just maybe, it's
something that your beautiful,brilliant brain learned to do to
protect you.
So, as we always do, let's lookat the brain activity behind
the behavior.
Neuroscience shows us that thebrain is designed to keep us
(02:33):
safe.
It does not care if you'rehappy.
Remember, you're not your brain, you're a person who has a
brain.
So when you're under stresswhether it's from your childhood
experiences or school systemsthat reward overachievement, or
working environments with reallyhigh expectations and little
support your brain adapts, andperfectionism can be one of
(02:57):
those adaptations.
It's often a learned behaviorthat is rooted in fear the fear
of failure, the fear ofdisappointing others, fear of
losing control, or even the fearof being unworthy.
And now, for some of us,perfectionism started really
early.
Maybe we learned along the waythat mistakes weren't okay, or
(03:20):
maybe you learned that you wereonly praised when you were
achieving things.
Or perhaps some chaos at homeor in school made you crave some
sort of control.
In any way you could find it.
And your nervous system saidgot it, if I'm perfect, well
then I'll be safe.
This is your incredibleamygdala at work.
(03:40):
Remember that part of the brainthat scans for threats and in
the response to the stress orperceived danger right, not
actual danger, but perceiveddanger it triggers fight, flight
, freeze or fawn.
So, for example, your nervoussystem thinks well, if
everything is perfect, well thenno one will be upset with me,
(04:02):
and if I never make any mistakes, I won't be rejected.
If I just do everything right,then no one will be upset with
me, and if I never make anymistakes, I won't be rejected.
If I just do everything right,then I will be safe.
Does it sound familiar?
Fawn mode is when weover-accommodate in an effort to
keep the peace, we over-perform, we over-do and we over-effort.
(04:23):
And perfectionism often livesright there in that FON response
, and we're going to be talkingabout FON response specifically
in a later episode this season.
So when we talk aboutperfectionism, we're really
talking about the nervous systemtrying to regulate a sense of
belonging and safety by tryingto control what it thinks it can
(04:45):
.
So, again to be crystal clearthere is nothing wrong with you.
This is a coping strategy.
That is a brilliant andadaptive and protective move
from your nervous system, butover time it no longer serves
you and it can be exhausting.
So often our nervous systemsare operating in an old pattern
(05:08):
in response to an environmentthat no longer exists.
And I want to pause here andcall something out that's really
important often gets rewardedin schools, not just for
teachers but for students too.
I mean, think about the waysschools uphold perfectionism as
(05:28):
the standard perfect attendance,awards, honor rolls, gpa
rankings, the never miss anassignment kid and we don't
always mean to, but we oftenreinforce perfectionism as the
right way to succeed.
And look, I know this firsthandbecause I was that student.
Even when I was in college,deep in my pre-service teaching
(05:49):
program, I clung so tightly todoing everything quote, unquote
right.
I felt this constant pressureto prove that I was meant to be
there, to earn the respect of myprofessors and my mentors, my
other classmates and I rememberthis one particular class where
we had to design a unit planfrom scratch, and I had spent
(06:10):
hours agonizing over everydetail, every font and the
formatting, making it look soPinterest worthy way, before
Pinterest was even a thing andyes, I know, I'm dating myself
here I stayed up late, I skippedmeals and I kept revising it
almost obsessively, and themorning it was due I had barely
slept, but I walked in with thisbright, polished binder and I
(06:34):
got praised for it.
And what no one saw, though, wasthe anxiety that I was feeling,
and how little I was sleepingand taking care of myself was
feeling, and how little I wassleeping and taking care of
myself.
I equated being perfect withbeing competent, and what that
did well, it kept me isolated.
It kept me afraid of failure,when we know that failure is
(06:56):
where some of the most powerfullearning happens, and if you
haven't already listened to it,go back to listen to season
three, episode 22, where Iinterviewed Teresa McPhail about
embracing failure as a path tosuccess.
I put the link here in the shownotes too, so you can easily
access it after you listen tothis episode.
So this perfection equalscompetence.
(07:20):
Belief did not magically goaway when I became a teacher.
It followed me into theclassroom, it followed me into
staff meetings, it followed meinto my relationships with my
students and, if I'm beingtotally honest, it followed me
in my home life too.
So now when I see students whoare overachieving, who are
highly anxious, who are afraidto be wrong, I see a little bit
(07:44):
of myself in them and I have toask what are we unintentionally
teaching our kids about what itmeans to be quote unquote good
or quote unquote successful?
Perfectionism doesn't teachresilience.
It teaches people to hide andover function and over effort,
to ignore their bodily functions, to fear mistakes.
(08:07):
And this all comes at a costfor everyone Because, remember,
perfectionism is actually acoping strategy, not a
sustainable path to growth.
Perfectionism is not a badge ofhonor.
It is a signal that we mightnot be feeling very safe.
When you get praised for havingthe best bulletin board, for
(08:30):
always turning things in earlyor for volunteering again even
when you're exhausted, youbecome that teacher, that
reliable one, the one who has itall together.
But what's rarely talked aboutis the anxiety that lives
underneath those sleeplessnights, the feelings of
self-doubt, the sense that evenwhen you're doing your best, it
(08:51):
never feels like it's quiteenough.
Perfectionism isn't justexhausting, it's depleting.
It disconnects us from our joy,our creativity, from our
capacity to connect with othersin a real, authentic way.
And here's such an interestingparadox, because when we're in
(09:13):
perfectionism, we disconnectfrom the very parts of ourselves
that our students need the most.
Your kids don't need a perfectteacher.
They need a regulated teacher.
They need a teacher who modelswhat it looks like to try to
fail, to repair, to rest, to behuman.
(09:33):
And does this mean that we don'thave high standards of
excellence?
Of course not.
But we need to be mindful ofhow we get there.
We need to be mindful of askingwhere our motivation is coming
from.
Is it coming from curiosity andinspiration, or is it coming
from a place of fear?
So let's try a littlevisualization practice together.
(09:55):
If you're driving, please don'tdo this now.
Feel free to revisit this later, when you can pause and reflect
.
So if you're in a safe spaceright now and it feels
comfortable, I invite you toclose your eyes or look at the
floor or stare at something thatis not going to move.
Take a nice deep breath and letit out and do that one more
(10:23):
time.
Take a nice big breath in andout.
Now I want you to picture theversion of yourself that feels
the need to get it all right allthe time.
I want you to notice theirposture, notice their energy,
notice what they're carrying andstart to imagine the times when
(10:47):
perfectionism shows up, whenyou're rereading an email five
times before sending it, thetimes when you stay late redoing
your bulletin board.
That's already fine, or thetimes that you feel like you
need to fix everyone else'sproblems.
Keep breathing deep breath inand out.
(11:10):
We're simply noticing.
This is important information,because we can't change what we
don't notice.
And now, as your eyes are closedor staring at the floor, say
out loud or silently to yourselfI'm safe.
Even when it's not perfect,doing my best is enough.
(11:32):
Even when it's not perfect,doing my best is enough.
My worth isn't equal to myoutput.
Take a deep breath in and outand when you're ready, you can
come on back.
These moments matter.
(11:56):
Every time you pause and noticeand breathe, every time you
choose self compassion over selfcriticism, you are creating new
neural pathways.
This is how you rewire yourbrain to feel calm, to feel
confidence, for more clarity,for remembering your enoughness,
because enough is a decision,not an amount, and you are the
(12:17):
only person who gets to decidewhen it's enough.
And when we releaseperfectionism, you make space
for authenticity, for creativity, for connection.
You reclaim your potential, notjust as educators, but as
humans.
So, as a reminder you're doingenough, you are enough.
(12:39):
And now you get to give yourstudents a model of a whole,
imperfect, emotionally availableadult.
Let's be brave enough to teachwith the brain in mind, not just
theirs, but yours too.
And before we close out to picka card from the Empowered
Educator card deck, TeacherAppreciation Week is around the
(13:01):
corner, and while in EmpoweredEducator world, teacher
Appreciation Week is every week,now is a time to celebrate you
even more so.
This is your gentle reminderthat you deserve to be
celebrated deeply and often,which is why we put some awesome
new things at the EmpoweredEducator School Store to explore
meaningful, soul nourishinggifts created with your
(13:23):
wellbeing in mind.
You pour so much into others,so let this be something that
pours back into you.
Head on over toempowerededucatorcom slash
school store or click the linkin the show notes and treat
yourself, and the card for todayis your.
Impact is directly related toyour own personal growth and
(13:44):
development, isn't that true?
And what's so interesting aboutthis is the limitations that we
put on ourselves then becomereflections in our classroom.
You know, wherever you go,there you are, and the more you
dive deep into who you are andcreate a clear path to who you
(14:06):
want to be, the more you aregoing to reach your potential
and continue to grow into yourpotential and expand your
potential and, in return, do thesame for your students.
Remember, the most generousthing that you can do for your
students is take care ofyourself.
So if you found today's episodehelpful, be sure to subscribe
(14:30):
so you never miss a moment ofinspiration, and if you're
loving the show, I'd love foryou to leave a review.
This helps more educators likeyou find the space to unlock
their teaching potential too.
Until next time, pleaseremember that you are a gift to
this world, so act accordingly.
See you soon.
Are you feeling exhausted by the constant
demands of teaching?
Do you find yourself wonderingif there's a way to balance both
your career and your well-beingwithout burning out?
Welcome to Unlock your TeachingPotential, your permission slip
to hit the brakes, recharge andreignite your joy for teaching
and living.
(00:20):
I'm Dr Jen Rafferty, formermusic teacher, author, tedx
speaker and founder of EmpoweredEducator, and I've been where
you are exhausted, overwhelmedand just trying to get through
the day, making it all work.
So each week, I'll bring youshort, powerful episodes with
actionable tools to help youreclaim your energy, set
(00:41):
boundaries and step into yourfull potential, both in and out
of your role as an educator.
So take a breath and let's divein.
It's time to unlock yourteaching potential, because the
world needs you at your best.
Today we are unravelingsomething so many of us carry
(01:04):
like a badge of honor, butunderneath it's often a really
heavy weight.
That's perfectionism.
If you're a teacher or a schoolleader who prides yourself on
getting things just right theperfect lesson, the perfect
response, the perfect email,even the perfect classroom decor
you are not alone.
(01:24):
But here's the thingPerfectionism isn't actually
about excellence.
I'm going to say that again.
Perfectionism isn't actuallyabout excellence.
It's often about protection.
So today's episode is aninvitation not to fix or change
yourself you are not broken,there is nothing wrong with you
(01:45):
but to get curious.
What if your perfectionismisn't a flaw but a form of armor
that you learn to wear?
What if it's actually aresponse that your nervous
system learned to keep you safe?
And we're not here to judge it.
We're here to understand it andto see it for what it really is
, because perfectionism is not apersonality flaw, it is not a
(02:10):
character defect.
It is often a stress responseand maybe, just maybe, it's
something that your beautiful,brilliant brain learned to do to
protect you.
So, as we always do, let's lookat the brain activity behind
the behavior.
Neuroscience shows us that thebrain is designed to keep us
(02:33):
safe.
It does not care if you'rehappy.
Remember, you're not your brain, you're a person who has a
brain.
So when you're under stresswhether it's from your childhood
experiences or school systemsthat reward overachievement, or
working environments with reallyhigh expectations and little
support your brain adapts, andperfectionism can be one of
(02:57):
those adaptations.
It's often a learned behaviorthat is rooted in fear the fear
of failure, the fear ofdisappointing others, fear of
losing control, or even the fearof being unworthy.
And now, for some of us,perfectionism started really
early.
Maybe we learned along the waythat mistakes weren't okay, or
(03:20):
maybe you learned that you wereonly praised when you were
achieving things.
Or perhaps some chaos at homeor in school made you crave some
sort of control.
In any way you could find it.
And your nervous system saidgot it, if I'm perfect, well
then I'll be safe.
This is your incredibleamygdala at work.
(03:40):
Remember that part of the brainthat scans for threats and in
the response to the stress orperceived danger right, not
actual danger, but perceiveddanger it triggers fight, flight
, freeze or fawn.
So, for example, your nervoussystem thinks well, if
everything is perfect, well thenno one will be upset with me,
(04:02):
and if I never make any mistakes, I won't be rejected.
If I just do everything right,then no one will be upset with
me, and if I never make anymistakes, I won't be rejected.
If I just do everything right,then I will be safe.
Does it sound familiar?
Fawn mode is when weover-accommodate in an effort to
keep the peace, we over-perform, we over-do and we over-effort.
(04:23):
And perfectionism often livesright there in that FON response
, and we're going to be talkingabout FON response specifically
in a later episode this season.
So when we talk aboutperfectionism, we're really
talking about the nervous systemtrying to regulate a sense of
belonging and safety by tryingto control what it thinks it can
(04:45):
.
So, again to be crystal clearthere is nothing wrong with you.
This is a coping strategy.
That is a brilliant andadaptive and protective move
from your nervous system, butover time it no longer serves
you and it can be exhausting.
So often our nervous systemsare operating in an old pattern
(05:08):
in response to an environmentthat no longer exists.
And I want to pause here andcall something out that's really
important often gets rewardedin schools, not just for
teachers but for students too.
I mean, think about the waysschools uphold perfectionism as
(05:28):
the standard perfect attendance,awards, honor rolls, gpa
rankings, the never miss anassignment kid and we don't
always mean to, but we oftenreinforce perfectionism as the
right way to succeed.
And look, I know this firsthandbecause I was that student.
Even when I was in college,deep in my pre-service teaching
(05:49):
program, I clung so tightly todoing everything quote, unquote
right.
I felt this constant pressureto prove that I was meant to be
there, to earn the respect of myprofessors and my mentors, my
other classmates and I rememberthis one particular class where
we had to design a unit planfrom scratch, and I had spent
(06:10):
hours agonizing over everydetail, every font and the
formatting, making it look soPinterest worthy way, before
Pinterest was even a thing andyes, I know, I'm dating myself
here I stayed up late, I skippedmeals and I kept revising it
almost obsessively, and themorning it was due I had barely
slept, but I walked in with thisbright, polished binder and I
(06:34):
got praised for it.
And what no one saw, though, wasthe anxiety that I was feeling,
and how little I was sleepingand taking care of myself was
feeling, and how little I wassleeping and taking care of
myself.
I equated being perfect withbeing competent, and what that
did well, it kept me isolated.
It kept me afraid of failure,when we know that failure is
(06:56):
where some of the most powerfullearning happens, and if you
haven't already listened to it,go back to listen to season
three, episode 22, where Iinterviewed Teresa McPhail about
embracing failure as a path tosuccess.
I put the link here in the shownotes too, so you can easily
access it after you listen tothis episode.
So this perfection equalscompetence.
(07:20):
Belief did not magically goaway when I became a teacher.
It followed me into theclassroom, it followed me into
staff meetings, it followed meinto my relationships with my
students and, if I'm beingtotally honest, it followed me
in my home life too.
So now when I see students whoare overachieving, who are
highly anxious, who are afraidto be wrong, I see a little bit
(07:44):
of myself in them and I have toask what are we unintentionally
teaching our kids about what itmeans to be quote unquote good
or quote unquote successful?
Perfectionism doesn't teachresilience.
It teaches people to hide andover function and over effort,
to ignore their bodily functions, to fear mistakes.
(08:07):
And this all comes at a costfor everyone Because, remember,
perfectionism is actually acoping strategy, not a
sustainable path to growth.
Perfectionism is not a badge ofhonor.
It is a signal that we mightnot be feeling very safe.
When you get praised for havingthe best bulletin board, for
(08:30):
always turning things in earlyor for volunteering again even
when you're exhausted, youbecome that teacher, that
reliable one, the one who has itall together.
But what's rarely talked aboutis the anxiety that lives
underneath those sleeplessnights, the feelings of
self-doubt, the sense that evenwhen you're doing your best, it
(08:51):
never feels like it's quiteenough.
Perfectionism isn't justexhausting, it's depleting.
It disconnects us from our joy,our creativity, from our
capacity to connect with othersin a real, authentic way.
And here's such an interestingparadox, because when we're in
(09:13):
perfectionism, we disconnectfrom the very parts of ourselves
that our students need the most.
Your kids don't need a perfectteacher.
They need a regulated teacher.
They need a teacher who modelswhat it looks like to try to
fail, to repair, to rest, to behuman.
(09:33):
And does this mean that we don'thave high standards of
excellence?
Of course not.
But we need to be mindful ofhow we get there.
We need to be mindful of askingwhere our motivation is coming
from.
Is it coming from curiosity andinspiration, or is it coming
from a place of fear?
So let's try a littlevisualization practice together.
(09:55):
If you're driving, please don'tdo this now.
Feel free to revisit this later, when you can pause and reflect
.
So if you're in a safe spaceright now and it feels
comfortable, I invite you toclose your eyes or look at the
floor or stare at something thatis not going to move.
Take a nice deep breath and letit out and do that one more
(10:23):
time.
Take a nice big breath in andout.
Now I want you to picture theversion of yourself that feels
the need to get it all right allthe time.
I want you to notice theirposture, notice their energy,
notice what they're carrying andstart to imagine the times when
(10:47):
perfectionism shows up, whenyou're rereading an email five
times before sending it, thetimes when you stay late redoing
your bulletin board.
That's already fine, or thetimes that you feel like you
need to fix everyone else'sproblems.
Keep breathing deep breath inand out.
(11:10):
We're simply noticing.
This is important information,because we can't change what we
don't notice.
And now, as your eyes are closedor staring at the floor, say
out loud or silently to yourselfI'm safe.
Even when it's not perfect,doing my best is enough.
(11:32):
Even when it's not perfect,doing my best is enough.
My worth isn't equal to myoutput.
Take a deep breath in and outand when you're ready, you can
come on back.
These moments matter.
(11:56):
Every time you pause and noticeand breathe, every time you
choose self compassion over selfcriticism, you are creating new
neural pathways.
This is how you rewire yourbrain to feel calm, to feel
confidence, for more clarity,for remembering your enoughness,
because enough is a decision,not an amount, and you are the
(12:17):
only person who gets to decidewhen it's enough.
And when we releaseperfectionism, you make space
for authenticity, for creativity, for connection.
You reclaim your potential, notjust as educators, but as
humans.
So, as a reminder you're doingenough, you are enough.
(12:39):
And now you get to give yourstudents a model of a whole,
imperfect, emotionally availableadult.
Let's be brave enough to teachwith the brain in mind, not just
theirs, but yours too.
And before we close out to picka card from the Empowered
Educator card deck, TeacherAppreciation Week is around the
(13:01):
corner, and while in EmpoweredEducator world, teacher
Appreciation Week is every week,now is a time to celebrate you
even more so.
This is your gentle reminderthat you deserve to be
celebrated deeply and often,which is why we put some awesome
new things at the EmpoweredEducator School Store to explore
meaningful, soul nourishinggifts created with your
(13:23):
wellbeing in mind.
You pour so much into others,so let this be something that
pours back into you.
Head on over toempowerededucatorcom slash
school store or click the linkin the show notes and treat
yourself, and the card for todayis your.
Impact is directly related toyour own personal growth and
(13:44):
development, isn't that true?
And what's so interesting aboutthis is the limitations that we
put on ourselves then becomereflections in our classroom.
You know, wherever you go,there you are, and the more you
dive deep into who you are andcreate a clear path to who you
(14:06):
want to be, the more you aregoing to reach your potential
and continue to grow into yourpotential and expand your
potential and, in return, do thesame for your students.
Remember, the most generousthing that you can do for your
students is take care ofyourself.
So if you found today's episodehelpful, be sure to subscribe
(14:30):
so you never miss a moment ofinspiration, and if you're
loving the show, I'd love foryou to leave a review.
This helps more educators likeyou find the space to unlock
their teaching potential too.
Until next time, pleaseremember that you are a gift to
this world, so act accordingly.
See you soon.
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