December 17, 2024 • 37 mins
Dr. Ray Mitsch explores the complexities of grief and the significance of anniversaries in this thought-provoking episode. He emphasizes that facing loss and sorrow, rather than avoiding it, can lead to a deeper understanding of life and its meaning. Throughout the discussion, Dr. Mitsch highlights the difference between mere knowledge about grief and the wisdom gained from truly experiencing it. He challenges the notion that happiness is the ultimate goal, advocating instead for acceptance of life's realities, including its inevitable sorrows. By embracing our human experiences, including the pain of loss, we can cultivate genuine connections and a more profound appreciation for the moments that shape our lives.
Takeaways:
- Facing sorrow fully can deepen our understanding of life and enrich our relationships.
- Acceptance of loss does not mean that we find it okay; it acknowledges reality.
- Holidays can trigger anniversary reactions, reminding us of our losses and grief.
- Wisdom often comes from experiencing sorrow rather than from mere knowledge accumulation.
- Living with loss requires us to confront the reality of our human experiences.
- Recognizing the difference between acceptance and settling for the status quo is crucial.
Links referenced in this episode:
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:21):
Well, greetings and welcome,everybody, to another episode of
Unscripted, the collectedwisdom of life Living in sorrow.
I am Dr.
Ray Mitch, your humble host.
And we are meeting and doingthis probably once a month.
I think that's probably areasonable amount of time to give
(00:45):
to it, I suppose.
But what is it?
Unscripted is really anopportunity to reflect on the events
and developments of livinglife and living in relationship.
And that also means living inthe midst of sorrow.
(01:06):
Now, obviously, that is notall the time, but when it comes,
it is usually a topic that wedon't usually talk about, or even
want to talk about, for thatmatter, because we think that somehow
we are ruining life.
And the reality is that byfacing sorrow fully in its face,
(01:32):
we are actually deepening lifeand embracing it entirely.
And so I wanted to spend sometime talking tonight about what I
call anniversaries and theproblem of living, although I think
this will probably branch outinto other areas.
(01:56):
Of course, that is why I havecalled it Unscripted, because I never
entirely know in whatdirection I might go.
But the thing I want toimpress upon you, even as we get
going here, is that ultimatelythere is wisdom in facing the very
(02:17):
thing that we don't want toface or accept, for that matter.
Well, it's one thing to faceit, it's another thing to accept
it.
And the thing that I'm talkingabout when I say that is loss or
sorrow.
Now, the holidays present aunique point in time.
(02:39):
That is what in the world ofgrief counseling and that whole area
of loss is that we refer to itas anniversary.
And the technical term is theanniversary reactions.
And I have been living andwalking this journey for the last
(03:00):
year of having a friend die inMarch and walking through the year.
And as I reflected on theyear, I began to realize that it's
during this point in the yearthat I tended to talk the most, oftentimes
(03:20):
with my friend who was aretired professor, and he knew the
rhythms of my semester.
And so oftentimes we wouldspend more time talking over the
holidays simply because Iwould have more time and my schedule
would open up and I was reallyfeeling it.
I was feeling the lack.
(03:41):
And then I went back and tooka look at some of our interactions
by text, which is really howwe went about scheduling our time
to talk face to face byfacetime or zoom or whatever.
And I began to realize that Iwas not we, but I was moving toward
(04:07):
really the pivot point and theinflection point of his health that
I, at this time, last Year Ihad no idea.
And that's really how this goes.
And that's a lot of times whatanniversaries feel like is that if
I had only known.
And then we get into the ifonlys and a lot of the other things
(04:28):
that go into it.
But I guess my point is thatthere is wisdom in facing the very
thing we don't want to face.
There is wisdom in facing lossand sorrow because it deepens the
meaning of life and living.
And we somehow have gotten thenotion that if I don't face it, I
(04:53):
just put my nose down, I keepmoving, I keep plugging along, then
everything will be fine.
And that ultimately, in thepurest sense of the term, is not
acceptance.
Acceptance is actuallyallowing it to exist without pushing
it away.
(05:13):
Actually, now we think somehowwe've gotten the notion that acceptance
is saying that whatever it is,is okay.
And the loss of a friend or afamily member or a parent or whomever,
it's not okay.
It is a reality of our lives.
No one's going to debate thatpoint, but we'll debate.
(05:37):
We won't debate the fact, butwe will debate the meaning.
Because people exist on twodifferent levels in our worlds.
They exist on the fact base,the knowledge base.
I know who they are.
I recognize them.
I.
I have a sense of familiaritywhen I hear their voice.
(06:00):
And the meaning level, whichprovides the depth and provides the
impact of having those interactions.
And the holidays are aparticularly difficult time for people
that are facing loss and foranybody out there that might be listening
to this.
(06:21):
And you have someone in yourlife who has experienced a loss of
some sort.
And that doesn't have to be a death.
It can be a significant changein job or a loss of a job or any
number of things along those lines.
(06:41):
And our temptation and ourtendency is to try to rationalize
it away.
Now, that's not.
It's not an intentional thingon most of our parts, but either
will shy away altogetherbecause we're afraid we'll say the
wrong thing and the wrongthing will lead them down a path
(07:03):
that we don't want them to go down.
The dirty little secret in allthat is, they're already down that
road.
You're not going to save themfrom saying the right thing as if
there really is a right thing,because there isn't.
The only empathic thing to besaid is to check in on how they're
(07:29):
doing.
Not.
Not to be.
Not to hear I'm doing okay orI'm fine or as long as I keep my
head down.
I'm doing okay.
I would challenge anyone who'slistening to me to actually move
beyond that and say, so whatdoes that really mean?
(07:52):
What does the loss mean inyour life to this point in time?
And however long it has beenor however fresh it has been, that
meaning tends to change overtime because we begin to gain a greater
and greater clarity andunderstanding of just how profound
(08:17):
it has impacted us in somefashion or another.
Now, again, we can easily loopback around and say, well, if it
isn't impacting me, then itreally wasn't that big of a deal.
Well, maybe.
I think we tend to reallyunderestimate our tremendous ability
to minimize and distort anddilute and redefine and do all sorts
(08:47):
of things, really, just to boxit up and put it away until the next
time.
And the next time usually isthe next loss.
And at least for me, in myexperiences over the last five to
six years, maybe more.
Seven years.
Yeah, more than that.
(09:10):
Eight years.
I have had three, and if youcount my golden retriever, four significant
losses over that period of time.
So every couple of years,someone has died.
And it takes a toll on our ability.
Now, it doesn't mean it takesa toll on our functioning because
(09:32):
we can function.
Most of us can in the midst of that.
And I don't know that that'sgood or bad.
Actually, sometimes it is aquote unquote bad thing simply because
it gets in the way ofprocessing and allowing ourselves
to feel what we feel.
And in a lot of cases, we endup saying that those feelings.
(09:53):
I don't have the luxury ofthose feelings because they will
slow me down.
And by doing that, I'm sayingI don't have the luxury of being
human because being humanslows me down.
Now, if you really push hard,I think a lot of people would agree
with that statement, as amatter of fact, to the point of denying
(10:15):
their humanity, whichfundamentally, part of being human
is experiencing loss, and weall experience it.
And so I said a minute agothat there's wisdom in facing the
thing that we don't want to face.
(10:35):
And quite honestly, if I drawa bigger picture here, I'm not sure
we want that wisdom.
We want wisdom like that that bad.
We would rather settle forjust knowing stuff and knowing things
about grief or about anything else.
(10:57):
And that's really ultimatelythe biggest challenge in the world
of loss, grief and loss, isthat people know a lot about it,
but never really trulyexperience it or give it its due
in terms of its meaning,because we can experience denial
(11:17):
and denial isn't.
This isn't happening.
It is also the denial of themeaning of what has happened, the
denial of its impact on us.
We can diminish and deny theimportance of the person.
(11:39):
And so we will do anything,really, to not face the reality of
being human and the fact thatthe people that we love in our lives
are also human and sooner orlater will go away, otherwise known
as death, or go away in termsof change in relationship.
(12:03):
And that's for anybodylistening to me, that's younger.
That's what's happeningoftentimes in relationships is that
sometimes we don't know thatwe have friends who are for a season.
We think they're forever, youknow, the BFF thing, best friends
forever.
But that's not true.
(12:23):
Humans, in the nature of ourlives, particularly when we're younger,
there's a lot of turnover andchange in life and friends and things
like that.
And they are close to us for aseason and then they move on.
And it isn't because they want to.
It's just the nature of theseasons of our lives, which matches
(12:50):
entirely the seasons of our grief.
And so there are a number ofobstacles that I wanted to take a
little time to talk about thatreally get in the way of embracing
the wisdom of looking at andaccepting the changes in our lives.
(13:12):
And one of the first obstaclesI see is the difference between knowing
and living out the things weknow, otherwise known as wisdom.
And I was just thinking aboutthis because I heard a sermon a couple
days ago.
Actually, it was last night,but that tells you what my days are
(13:35):
like.
And the sermon was set up insuch a way that it was almost presumed
that accepting grace is aneasy thing to do.
And I think sometimes what wedo is we settle to know about grace
(14:03):
rather than accepting itenough to live out grace.
Because the vast majority ofChristians, I have this sinking suspicion.
I have no basis for it otherthan the small sample of young people
that I talk to.
I have a sneaky and a sinkingsuspicion that people really don't
(14:25):
know very much about grace atall, actually.
And part of that is they thinkthat there's enough grace to save
them.
But then you have to work yourbutt off the rest of your life to
prove that you're worthy ofthe grace that was used to save you.
So we lapse into a mindset of scarcity.
(14:47):
It's a scarce resource grace is.
And so therefore I have towork hard to get it and to experience
it.
And the same thing is howwisdom works.
And I don't think it's anysurprise that Solomon, who wrote
(15:07):
many of the Proverbs, spent alot of time talking about wisdom.
And we oftentimes mistakethinking that knowing is the same
as wisdom, and it is not.
CS Lewis once said thatactually knowing is relatively easy,
(15:27):
but finding wisdom takes sacrifice.
And that's one of the biggestobstacles we have.
We actually think and equatethat knowing a lot of stuff, which
we can do.
I wouldn't say that it's nottough, but it's not that hard.
But just because I knowsomething doesn't mean that it translates
(15:50):
into wisdom in terms of livingout wisdom and being able to even
communicate that.
See, wisdom is a matter of observation.
Knowing is a matter of accumulation.
And so our first obstacle isthe distortion we have about knowing
(16:12):
versus living.
And I can know all aboutgrace, I can know all about love,
I can know about a lot ofthings, but if it doesn't show in
my behavior and how I thinkand the things that even I believe.
And the problem with belief isthat rarely trans, sometimes, no,
(16:34):
I shouldn't say rarely, but itoftentimes doesn't translate into
behavior.
I can have a belief, but if itdoesn't show up in how I relate or
how I see myself or how I seeGod, then it's little more than a
piece of knowledge that I'veaccumulated rather than a reality
(16:58):
that I live out.
So that's kind of the first obstacle.
The second obstacle is thedifference between acceptance and
settling for the status quo.
Now, one of the things that wehave to contend with when we're talking
about sorrow and loss and evenjust living life, forget about the
(17:23):
heavy hitters like grief andloss, even just living life, somewhere
we have gotten.
We have lapsed into theassumption that the normal state
of life is seeking, pursuing,and finding happiness.
(17:48):
That's the normal state.
So therefore, then when Iexperience everything that's related
to loss or difficulty oradversity or suffering or any of
those, something'sdramatically wrong.
And we actually think that Godhas it in for us because of those
(18:09):
very things.
And so the second obstacle Ithink we face in trying to learn
about living out wisdom, abouttranslating our knowledge into seeing
life differently, is ourwillingness to settle for the status
(18:29):
quo, defining that ashappiness and thinking that that's
as good as it gets.
Now, sooner or later we'regoing to get tired of it and say,
is this as good as it gets?
And then start searching forsomething to fill that gap.
And when we go searching, oh,we'll find it.
(18:51):
We'll find plenty of things tomedicate the gap.
We won't find much to fill itbecause there isn't something to
fill it.
It really is a big part ofbeing human is our deficits, what
we are without.
And I think ultimately we longfor the very thing that we were designed
(19:14):
for, and that is a fullness ofbeing in relationship with God, which
was the original intent.
And now that that relationshipis broken and we're broken along
with it, then we're alwaysgoing to be experiencing the deficit.
(19:37):
And then we.
We set our sights on trying tofill that deficit instead.
And you can say with addict,you can point to addictions, you
can point to even what we havewith social media today.
It's startling.
Not startling.
(19:57):
I'm so immune to it andcynical about it now that I'm not
really startled anymore.
But how often I am teachingand how many of my students oftentimes
are glued to their phones morethan listening to me, because it
is an ingrained habit to fillthe deficit with comparisons and
(20:25):
comments and other things thatsocial media, quote unquote, provides
for us.
It doesn't provide for usanything, but it really does tend
to divert our attention fromthe deficit we feel.
So the second obstacle islearning for acceptance, but settling
(20:48):
for the status quo.
This is just the way it is.
It is one of the mostirritating comments I hear people
say, and I grip my teeth and Ibite my tongue because I want to
be an annoyance.
But it's when you hear peoplesay it is what it is that is the
(21:11):
status quo.
It's resignation.
It's not acceptance.
Acceptance is fully embracingthe deficit that we have and understanding
that it will remain until we die.
(21:33):
Now, that sounds verydepressing, and to some degree, I
would grant you that it is.
But acceptance then begins toallow for us to see the importance
of meaning in our lives, notonly in our relationships, not only
in how God has created us, notonly in the pursuit of.
(21:58):
Of a God that wants thatrelationship with us, who ultimately,
not imminently or right at themoment, can fill that deficit.
But those are glimmers andmoments in our experience because
we are leaky receptacles,we're cracked bots, and we leak everywhere.
(22:24):
And because of that leakage,we are always feeling some measure
of deficit.
And then there's one more, onelast one.
And that's the obstacle ofliving an as if life versus living
life as is.
So an as if life versus an asis life.
(22:48):
And so much of our lives, Ithink, sometimes is taken with creating
an as if life, A life that iscreated to be experienced as if it
were good, as if it werefulfilling, as if it were happy.
(23:11):
Fill in the as if, however you want.
We don't want to face as isbecause it would require us to live
with life as is.
And it is disappointing now,it can be immensely fulfilling, but
is so momentary it doesn't last.
(23:34):
And it doesn't mean that lifeis condemnable because of it, but
it is because we even leak thegood stuff and we want to continue
it instead of relishing it forwhat it is as it is, rather than
(23:57):
this is as if life, as if I'min heaven, as if I don't have this
deficit, as if I feel like I'msomeone of importance, whatever,
fill in the gaps, whateverthat is.
And so if we're going to findthe wisdom to deal with life as it
(24:21):
is, not as I would have it tobe, because that would be the as
if, then I might engage life alittle differently because I would
understand that there arecertainly big part of life that is
(24:41):
disappointing.
It is.
It's part of being human.
But at the same time, thereare moments in time that we can relish
with great glee because of the joy.
And because of that, weactually have the opportunity to
(25:02):
experience joy, not happiness.
Happiness is built on happenings.
That's where we got get theword happy is happening and it's
momentary.
And I'm not saying thathappiness is bad, it's not it's nice
to be happy.
But we just have to understandthat our expectations are not for
(25:23):
the eternal state ofhappiness, but joy offers us something
even more.
And it can be perpetual in thesense that joy is not always being
happy, but it is being connected.
And so there are threeopportunities that lay out in front
(25:46):
of us.
First is living out the wisdomthat we gain not only in our relationships
with the important people inour lives, or mentors or relationships
or things that I read oranything else.
But just remember, theknowledge doesn't call us out to
(26:06):
relationship, but wisdom does.
Wisdom calls us and draws usinto relationship and trust.
And we live in a world thatrejects trust for control.
And I have said it many timeshere, I say it all the time in my
(26:28):
classes when I teach.
And that is that control andtrust cannot coexist.
And so wisdom allows for thebrokenness of humanness, our own
and others.
And so wisdom draws us intorelationship and into the experience
(26:53):
of trust.
Because that's where fullnessis, is in trust now, not blind, naive
trust.
And just remember Let me justput a parentheses in.
That is, you can't makesomebody trustworthy by trusting
them.
That's not how you do that.
(27:14):
You perceive and discernwhether someone is trustworthy, and
then you invest smallincrements of trust to see how they
handle it.
But as that is built, then Ithink wisdom ends up getting gained
(27:35):
in significant ways because weare taking the risk that comes with
trust.
And so the second thing is notonly living out wisdom, but living
in reality as it is and notmaking appearances.
And we spend more time inappearance making than in connecting
(28:03):
with people as we are.
And so we have to find a wayto disconnect and detach from making
the appearance, the as if ofhow our lives are, which social media
very much tempts us intocreating a highlight reel of our
(28:25):
lives, thinking that that'sthe reality, but.
And everybody else is watchingthinks that's the reality too, when
it isn't.
There are significant momentsin between those highlight reel pieces
that are impactful becauseoftentimes wisdom is gained from
(28:48):
sorrow, not from great joy.
Now, again, I am not sayingone is better than another, not in
any way, shape or form.
But sorrow invites us into our humaneness.
And in our humanness, we learnwhat it means to be fully human,
even if we are broken.
(29:09):
And then the last one is thatwe live as is versus as if.
See, we have to ask ourselvesthe question, what do we desire?
Because to be as we are?
Or are we committed tocreating an image of what we should
be?
Because the reality is that ifsomeone were to love us, we would
(29:35):
desire them to love us as we are.
But if we spend all of ourtime trying to create images of what
we should be and they acceptthat, then we can actually say they
really don't know us and weare no more connected to.
See, we begin to embrace whattruth is, rather than the rhetoric
(30:00):
of could be, or should be, orwould be.
And living as is is wherereality is embraced.
And that reality includes notonly joys, but sorrows, not only
happiness, but sadness, notonly grief, but living.
(30:22):
And I'll end on this just as areminder that Elizabeth Kubler Ross
made it very clear that thenature of grief and experiencing
sorrow, she didn't use thatword, but that's really what was
a part of her sentiment interms of what she was talking about
(30:47):
was that we live our lives asif we will live forever.
And because of that, then weend up living shallower lives or
shallow lives.
And it really is remarkablethat when she says what she says
(31:13):
in one of her books, andinterestingly, her books she has
On Death and Dying, which shedid most of her research on people
that were dying.
And then she has another bookon grief and grieving because death
and Dying wasn't addressingthe issue that she wanted to address.
(31:34):
And that particular book waspublished just a few months before
she died.
And she commented to her cowriter that maybe I should have written
another book called On Lifeand Living.
(31:55):
And that probably would bepretty accurate because she really
nailed it down when she saidwe live purposeless lives because
we think we can live forever,and therefore we never do the things
that are most criticallyimportant to do, ultimately.
(32:17):
And so I think it's importantto keep in mind how that works and
what we see and how weexperience life and how we experience
other people and how theyexperience us.
That's also a part of it thatI think is equally important.
And so as we.
(32:39):
As I close, I want to makesure that you don't miss what I've
been saying, because we know alot of stuff, but that doesn't mean
that.
(33:00):
That we are actually any wiserbecause of it.
And so I think the thing thatis important to keep in mind is we
need to strive for living inreality as it is, not as we would
have it to be or as we thinkit should be.
And we need to be willing toknow life and living as it is, not
(33:23):
as it should be, and not becaught into the notion that whatever
we're living is, we're notgoing to upset the status quo.
Because of course, if we dothat, then it will get worse rather
than get better.
And there's a whole raft ofthings that come into that that I
(33:46):
think is worth payingattention to, because there is wisdom
and sorrow.
And we don't really like thatidea at all, quite honestly and understandably,
I mean, very understandably,that we don't like there's wisdom
there.
And I think quite honestly,because of our pursuit of happiness
(34:11):
and our pursuit ofdistraction, I think we probably
are a little less wise.
And I'm probably beingdiplomatic by putting it that way
because I think we know a lotof stuff, but we really don't have
much wisdom to share withpeople in our relationships or anything
(34:32):
else.
So some thoughts, just foryour consideration in what has been
percolating in my own head.
And hopefully it is somethingthat will help you to consider more
fully the nature of what weexperience in life and the anniversaries
(34:57):
we experience that are verymuch a part of our grief journey.
And I will return with morethings that hopefully will help us
to think through all of thatand what is important.
So, so that's it for tonight.
(35:17):
Thanks so much for joining me.
A couple of things just toremind you.
SGI-net.org is the home forthe SGI community.
You can follow us on threedifferent social media outlets at
Instagramgiinternational atFacebook, Stained Glass International,
(35:39):
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Please send it along toanybody that you find anything about
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(36:02):
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So if you're interested inpartnering with us to continue to
(36:25):
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You can certainly do that byusing the donate button on the website@sgi-net.org
(36:50):
There are a couple differentbooks there that might be interested
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(37:13):
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And until next time, love you later.
Bye.
Well, greetings and welcome,everybody, to another episode of
Unscripted, the collectedwisdom of life Living in sorrow.
I am Dr.
Ray Mitch, your humble host.
And we are meeting and doingthis probably once a month.
I think that's probably areasonable amount of time to give
(00:45):
to it, I suppose.
But what is it?
Unscripted is really anopportunity to reflect on the events
and developments of livinglife and living in relationship.
And that also means living inthe midst of sorrow.
(01:06):
Now, obviously, that is notall the time, but when it comes,
it is usually a topic that wedon't usually talk about, or even
want to talk about, for thatmatter, because we think that somehow
we are ruining life.
And the reality is that byfacing sorrow fully in its face,
(01:32):
we are actually deepening lifeand embracing it entirely.
And so I wanted to spend sometime talking tonight about what I
call anniversaries and theproblem of living, although I think
this will probably branch outinto other areas.
(01:56):
Of course, that is why I havecalled it Unscripted, because I never
entirely know in whatdirection I might go.
But the thing I want toimpress upon you, even as we get
going here, is that ultimatelythere is wisdom in facing the very
(02:17):
thing that we don't want toface or accept, for that matter.
Well, it's one thing to faceit, it's another thing to accept
it.
And the thing that I'm talkingabout when I say that is loss or
sorrow.
Now, the holidays present aunique point in time.
(02:39):
That is what in the world ofgrief counseling and that whole area
of loss is that we refer to itas anniversary.
And the technical term is theanniversary reactions.
And I have been living andwalking this journey for the last
(03:00):
year of having a friend die inMarch and walking through the year.
And as I reflected on theyear, I began to realize that it's
during this point in the yearthat I tended to talk the most, oftentimes
(03:20):
with my friend who was aretired professor, and he knew the
rhythms of my semester.
And so oftentimes we wouldspend more time talking over the
holidays simply because Iwould have more time and my schedule
would open up and I was reallyfeeling it.
I was feeling the lack.
(03:41):
And then I went back and tooka look at some of our interactions
by text, which is really howwe went about scheduling our time
to talk face to face byfacetime or zoom or whatever.
And I began to realize that Iwas not we, but I was moving toward
(04:07):
really the pivot point and theinflection point of his health that
I, at this time, last Year Ihad no idea.
And that's really how this goes.
And that's a lot of times whatanniversaries feel like is that if
I had only known.
And then we get into the ifonlys and a lot of the other things
(04:28):
that go into it.
But I guess my point is thatthere is wisdom in facing the very
thing we don't want to face.
There is wisdom in facing lossand sorrow because it deepens the
meaning of life and living.
And we somehow have gotten thenotion that if I don't face it, I
(04:53):
just put my nose down, I keepmoving, I keep plugging along, then
everything will be fine.
And that ultimately, in thepurest sense of the term, is not
acceptance.
Acceptance is actuallyallowing it to exist without pushing
it away.
(05:13):
Actually, now we think somehowwe've gotten the notion that acceptance
is saying that whatever it is,is okay.
And the loss of a friend or afamily member or a parent or whomever,
it's not okay.
It is a reality of our lives.
No one's going to debate thatpoint, but we'll debate.
(05:37):
We won't debate the fact, butwe will debate the meaning.
Because people exist on twodifferent levels in our worlds.
They exist on the fact base,the knowledge base.
I know who they are.
I recognize them.
I.
I have a sense of familiaritywhen I hear their voice.
(06:00):
And the meaning level, whichprovides the depth and provides the
impact of having those interactions.
And the holidays are aparticularly difficult time for people
that are facing loss and foranybody out there that might be listening
to this.
(06:21):
And you have someone in yourlife who has experienced a loss of
some sort.
And that doesn't have to be a death.
It can be a significant changein job or a loss of a job or any
number of things along those lines.
(06:41):
And our temptation and ourtendency is to try to rationalize
it away.
Now, that's not.
It's not an intentional thingon most of our parts, but either
will shy away altogetherbecause we're afraid we'll say the
wrong thing and the wrongthing will lead them down a path
(07:03):
that we don't want them to go down.
The dirty little secret in allthat is, they're already down that
road.
You're not going to save themfrom saying the right thing as if
there really is a right thing,because there isn't.
The only empathic thing to besaid is to check in on how they're
(07:29):
doing.
Not.
Not to be.
Not to hear I'm doing okay orI'm fine or as long as I keep my
head down.
I'm doing okay.
I would challenge anyone who'slistening to me to actually move
beyond that and say, so whatdoes that really mean?
(07:52):
What does the loss mean inyour life to this point in time?
And however long it has beenor however fresh it has been, that
meaning tends to change overtime because we begin to gain a greater
and greater clarity andunderstanding of just how profound
(08:17):
it has impacted us in somefashion or another.
Now, again, we can easily loopback around and say, well, if it
isn't impacting me, then itreally wasn't that big of a deal.
Well, maybe.
I think we tend to reallyunderestimate our tremendous ability
to minimize and distort anddilute and redefine and do all sorts
(08:47):
of things, really, just to boxit up and put it away until the next
time.
And the next time usually isthe next loss.
And at least for me, in myexperiences over the last five to
six years, maybe more.
Seven years.
Yeah, more than that.
(09:10):
Eight years.
I have had three, and if youcount my golden retriever, four significant
losses over that period of time.
So every couple of years,someone has died.
And it takes a toll on our ability.
Now, it doesn't mean it takesa toll on our functioning because
(09:32):
we can function.
Most of us can in the midst of that.
And I don't know that that'sgood or bad.
Actually, sometimes it is aquote unquote bad thing simply because
it gets in the way ofprocessing and allowing ourselves
to feel what we feel.
And in a lot of cases, we endup saying that those feelings.
(09:53):
I don't have the luxury ofthose feelings because they will
slow me down.
And by doing that, I'm sayingI don't have the luxury of being
human because being humanslows me down.
Now, if you really push hard,I think a lot of people would agree
with that statement, as amatter of fact, to the point of denying
(10:15):
their humanity, whichfundamentally, part of being human
is experiencing loss, and weall experience it.
And so I said a minute agothat there's wisdom in facing the
thing that we don't want to face.
(10:35):
And quite honestly, if I drawa bigger picture here, I'm not sure
we want that wisdom.
We want wisdom like that that bad.
We would rather settle forjust knowing stuff and knowing things
about grief or about anything else.
(10:57):
And that's really ultimatelythe biggest challenge in the world
of loss, grief and loss, isthat people know a lot about it,
but never really trulyexperience it or give it its due
in terms of its meaning,because we can experience denial
(11:17):
and denial isn't.
This isn't happening.
It is also the denial of themeaning of what has happened, the
denial of its impact on us.
We can diminish and deny theimportance of the person.
(11:39):
And so we will do anything,really, to not face the reality of
being human and the fact thatthe people that we love in our lives
are also human and sooner orlater will go away, otherwise known
as death, or go away in termsof change in relationship.
(12:03):
And that's for anybodylistening to me, that's younger.
That's what's happeningoftentimes in relationships is that
sometimes we don't know thatwe have friends who are for a season.
We think they're forever, youknow, the BFF thing, best friends
forever.
But that's not true.
(12:23):
Humans, in the nature of ourlives, particularly when we're younger,
there's a lot of turnover andchange in life and friends and things
like that.
And they are close to us for aseason and then they move on.
And it isn't because they want to.
It's just the nature of theseasons of our lives, which matches
(12:50):
entirely the seasons of our grief.
And so there are a number ofobstacles that I wanted to take a
little time to talk about thatreally get in the way of embracing
the wisdom of looking at andaccepting the changes in our lives.
(13:12):
And one of the first obstaclesI see is the difference between knowing
and living out the things weknow, otherwise known as wisdom.
And I was just thinking aboutthis because I heard a sermon a couple
days ago.
Actually, it was last night,but that tells you what my days are
(13:35):
like.
And the sermon was set up insuch a way that it was almost presumed
that accepting grace is aneasy thing to do.
And I think sometimes what wedo is we settle to know about grace
(14:03):
rather than accepting itenough to live out grace.
Because the vast majority ofChristians, I have this sinking suspicion.
I have no basis for it otherthan the small sample of young people
that I talk to.
I have a sneaky and a sinkingsuspicion that people really don't
(14:25):
know very much about grace atall, actually.
And part of that is they thinkthat there's enough grace to save
them.
But then you have to work yourbutt off the rest of your life to
prove that you're worthy ofthe grace that was used to save you.
So we lapse into a mindset of scarcity.
(14:47):
It's a scarce resource grace is.
And so therefore I have towork hard to get it and to experience
it.
And the same thing is howwisdom works.
And I don't think it's anysurprise that Solomon, who wrote
(15:07):
many of the Proverbs, spent alot of time talking about wisdom.
And we oftentimes mistakethinking that knowing is the same
as wisdom, and it is not.
CS Lewis once said thatactually knowing is relatively easy,
(15:27):
but finding wisdom takes sacrifice.
And that's one of the biggestobstacles we have.
We actually think and equatethat knowing a lot of stuff, which
we can do.
I wouldn't say that it's nottough, but it's not that hard.
But just because I knowsomething doesn't mean that it translates
(15:50):
into wisdom in terms of livingout wisdom and being able to even
communicate that.
See, wisdom is a matter of observation.
Knowing is a matter of accumulation.
And so our first obstacle isthe distortion we have about knowing
(16:12):
versus living.
And I can know all aboutgrace, I can know all about love,
I can know about a lot ofthings, but if it doesn't show in
my behavior and how I thinkand the things that even I believe.
And the problem with belief isthat rarely trans, sometimes, no,
(16:34):
I shouldn't say rarely, but itoftentimes doesn't translate into
behavior.
I can have a belief, but if itdoesn't show up in how I relate or
how I see myself or how I seeGod, then it's little more than a
piece of knowledge that I'veaccumulated rather than a reality
(16:58):
that I live out.
So that's kind of the first obstacle.
The second obstacle is thedifference between acceptance and
settling for the status quo.
Now, one of the things that wehave to contend with when we're talking
about sorrow and loss and evenjust living life, forget about the
(17:23):
heavy hitters like grief andloss, even just living life, somewhere
we have gotten.
We have lapsed into theassumption that the normal state
of life is seeking, pursuing,and finding happiness.
(17:48):
That's the normal state.
So therefore, then when Iexperience everything that's related
to loss or difficulty oradversity or suffering or any of
those, something'sdramatically wrong.
And we actually think that Godhas it in for us because of those
(18:09):
very things.
And so the second obstacle Ithink we face in trying to learn
about living out wisdom, abouttranslating our knowledge into seeing
life differently, is ourwillingness to settle for the status
(18:29):
quo, defining that ashappiness and thinking that that's
as good as it gets.
Now, sooner or later we'regoing to get tired of it and say,
is this as good as it gets?
And then start searching forsomething to fill that gap.
And when we go searching, oh,we'll find it.
(18:51):
We'll find plenty of things tomedicate the gap.
We won't find much to fill itbecause there isn't something to
fill it.
It really is a big part ofbeing human is our deficits, what
we are without.
And I think ultimately we longfor the very thing that we were designed
(19:14):
for, and that is a fullness ofbeing in relationship with God, which
was the original intent.
And now that that relationshipis broken and we're broken along
with it, then we're alwaysgoing to be experiencing the deficit.
(19:37):
And then we.
We set our sights on trying tofill that deficit instead.
And you can say with addict,you can point to addictions, you
can point to even what we havewith social media today.
It's startling.
Not startling.
(19:57):
I'm so immune to it andcynical about it now that I'm not
really startled anymore.
But how often I am teachingand how many of my students oftentimes
are glued to their phones morethan listening to me, because it
is an ingrained habit to fillthe deficit with comparisons and
(20:25):
comments and other things thatsocial media, quote unquote, provides
for us.
It doesn't provide for usanything, but it really does tend
to divert our attention fromthe deficit we feel.
So the second obstacle islearning for acceptance, but settling
(20:48):
for the status quo.
This is just the way it is.
It is one of the mostirritating comments I hear people
say, and I grip my teeth and Ibite my tongue because I want to
be an annoyance.
But it's when you hear peoplesay it is what it is that is the
(21:11):
status quo.
It's resignation.
It's not acceptance.
Acceptance is fully embracingthe deficit that we have and understanding
that it will remain until we die.
(21:33):
Now, that sounds verydepressing, and to some degree, I
would grant you that it is.
But acceptance then begins toallow for us to see the importance
of meaning in our lives, notonly in our relationships, not only
in how God has created us, notonly in the pursuit of.
(21:58):
Of a God that wants thatrelationship with us, who ultimately,
not imminently or right at themoment, can fill that deficit.
But those are glimmers andmoments in our experience because
we are leaky receptacles,we're cracked bots, and we leak everywhere.
(22:24):
And because of that leakage,we are always feeling some measure
of deficit.
And then there's one more, onelast one.
And that's the obstacle ofliving an as if life versus living
life as is.
So an as if life versus an asis life.
(22:48):
And so much of our lives, Ithink, sometimes is taken with creating
an as if life, A life that iscreated to be experienced as if it
were good, as if it werefulfilling, as if it were happy.
(23:11):
Fill in the as if, however you want.
We don't want to face as isbecause it would require us to live
with life as is.
And it is disappointing now,it can be immensely fulfilling, but
is so momentary it doesn't last.
(23:34):
And it doesn't mean that lifeis condemnable because of it, but
it is because we even leak thegood stuff and we want to continue
it instead of relishing it forwhat it is as it is, rather than
(23:57):
this is as if life, as if I'min heaven, as if I don't have this
deficit, as if I feel like I'msomeone of importance, whatever,
fill in the gaps, whateverthat is.
And so if we're going to findthe wisdom to deal with life as it
(24:21):
is, not as I would have it tobe, because that would be the as
if, then I might engage life alittle differently because I would
understand that there arecertainly big part of life that is
(24:41):
disappointing.
It is.
It's part of being human.
But at the same time, thereare moments in time that we can relish
with great glee because of the joy.
And because of that, weactually have the opportunity to
(25:02):
experience joy, not happiness.
Happiness is built on happenings.
That's where we got get theword happy is happening and it's
momentary.
And I'm not saying thathappiness is bad, it's not it's nice
to be happy.
But we just have to understandthat our expectations are not for
(25:23):
the eternal state ofhappiness, but joy offers us something
even more.
And it can be perpetual in thesense that joy is not always being
happy, but it is being connected.
And so there are threeopportunities that lay out in front
(25:46):
of us.
First is living out the wisdomthat we gain not only in our relationships
with the important people inour lives, or mentors or relationships
or things that I read oranything else.
But just remember, theknowledge doesn't call us out to
(26:06):
relationship, but wisdom does.
Wisdom calls us and draws usinto relationship and trust.
And we live in a world thatrejects trust for control.
And I have said it many timeshere, I say it all the time in my
(26:28):
classes when I teach.
And that is that control andtrust cannot coexist.
And so wisdom allows for thebrokenness of humanness, our own
and others.
And so wisdom draws us intorelationship and into the experience
(26:53):
of trust.
Because that's where fullnessis, is in trust now, not blind, naive
trust.
And just remember Let me justput a parentheses in.
That is, you can't makesomebody trustworthy by trusting
them.
That's not how you do that.
(27:14):
You perceive and discernwhether someone is trustworthy, and
then you invest smallincrements of trust to see how they
handle it.
But as that is built, then Ithink wisdom ends up getting gained
(27:35):
in significant ways because weare taking the risk that comes with
trust.
And so the second thing is notonly living out wisdom, but living
in reality as it is and notmaking appearances.
And we spend more time inappearance making than in connecting
(28:03):
with people as we are.
And so we have to find a wayto disconnect and detach from making
the appearance, the as if ofhow our lives are, which social media
very much tempts us intocreating a highlight reel of our
(28:25):
lives, thinking that that'sthe reality, but.
And everybody else is watchingthinks that's the reality too, when
it isn't.
There are significant momentsin between those highlight reel pieces
that are impactful becauseoftentimes wisdom is gained from
(28:48):
sorrow, not from great joy.
Now, again, I am not sayingone is better than another, not in
any way, shape or form.
But sorrow invites us into our humaneness.
And in our humanness, we learnwhat it means to be fully human,
even if we are broken.
(29:09):
And then the last one is thatwe live as is versus as if.
See, we have to ask ourselvesthe question, what do we desire?
Because to be as we are?
Or are we committed tocreating an image of what we should
be?
Because the reality is that ifsomeone were to love us, we would
(29:35):
desire them to love us as we are.
But if we spend all of ourtime trying to create images of what
we should be and they acceptthat, then we can actually say they
really don't know us and weare no more connected to.
See, we begin to embrace whattruth is, rather than the rhetoric
(30:00):
of could be, or should be, orwould be.
And living as is is wherereality is embraced.
And that reality includes notonly joys, but sorrows, not only
happiness, but sadness, notonly grief, but living.
(30:22):
And I'll end on this just as areminder that Elizabeth Kubler Ross
made it very clear that thenature of grief and experiencing
sorrow, she didn't use thatword, but that's really what was
a part of her sentiment interms of what she was talking about
(30:47):
was that we live our lives asif we will live forever.
And because of that, then weend up living shallower lives or
shallow lives.
And it really is remarkablethat when she says what she says
(31:13):
in one of her books, andinterestingly, her books she has
On Death and Dying, which shedid most of her research on people
that were dying.
And then she has another bookon grief and grieving because death
and Dying wasn't addressingthe issue that she wanted to address.
(31:34):
And that particular book waspublished just a few months before
she died.
And she commented to her cowriter that maybe I should have written
another book called On Lifeand Living.
(31:55):
And that probably would bepretty accurate because she really
nailed it down when she saidwe live purposeless lives because
we think we can live forever,and therefore we never do the things
that are most criticallyimportant to do, ultimately.
(32:17):
And so I think it's importantto keep in mind how that works and
what we see and how weexperience life and how we experience
other people and how theyexperience us.
That's also a part of it thatI think is equally important.
And so as we.
(32:39):
As I close, I want to makesure that you don't miss what I've
been saying, because we know alot of stuff, but that doesn't mean
that.
(33:00):
That we are actually any wiserbecause of it.
And so I think the thing thatis important to keep in mind is we
need to strive for living inreality as it is, not as we would
have it to be or as we thinkit should be.
And we need to be willing toknow life and living as it is, not
(33:23):
as it should be, and not becaught into the notion that whatever
we're living is, we're notgoing to upset the status quo.
Because of course, if we dothat, then it will get worse rather
than get better.
And there's a whole raft ofthings that come into that that I
(33:46):
think is worth payingattention to, because there is wisdom
and sorrow.
And we don't really like thatidea at all, quite honestly and understandably,
I mean, very understandably,that we don't like there's wisdom
there.
And I think quite honestly,because of our pursuit of happiness
(34:11):
and our pursuit ofdistraction, I think we probably
are a little less wise.
And I'm probably beingdiplomatic by putting it that way
because I think we know a lotof stuff, but we really don't have
much wisdom to share withpeople in our relationships or anything
(34:32):
else.
So some thoughts, just foryour consideration in what has been
percolating in my own head.
And hopefully it is somethingthat will help you to consider more
fully the nature of what weexperience in life and the anniversaries
(34:57):
we experience that are verymuch a part of our grief journey.
And I will return with morethings that hopefully will help us
to think through all of thatand what is important.
So, so that's it for tonight.
(35:17):
Thanks so much for joining me.
A couple of things just toremind you.
SGI-net.org is the home forthe SGI community.
You can follow us on threedifferent social media outlets at
Instagramgiinternational atFacebook, Stained Glass International,
(35:39):
and at LinkedIn @drmeich.
And there will be notices ofwhen this particular podcast is available
for you to listen.
Please send it along toanybody that you find anything about
this that's interesting orchallenging or you think someone
would benefit, please send italong and write a review so that
(36:02):
we get a little bit moreexposure for people to find us.
And so you'll find us onwherever you use podcasts or whatever
platform you use, whetherthat's Spotify or itunes or Iheart
or wherever that might be.
So if you're interested inpartnering with us to continue to
(36:25):
grow Stained GlassInternational and our hopes for developing
groups and an upcoming Ecourse that will show up very, very
soon, I will give you a noticeof that when it comes.
You can certainly do that byusing the donate button on the website@sgi-net.org
(36:50):
There are a couple differentbooks there that might be interested
if you have people that are grieving.
One's called Grieving the Lossof someone you Love and the newest
one called the Seasons of Our Grief.
So subscribe to our onlinecommunity to support our efforts
and hear about new developments.
If you'd rather send us aphysical check, you can do that as
(37:13):
well at SGI, P.O.
box 322, East Lake, CO 80614.
And until next time, love you later.
Bye.
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