April 6, 2025 • 52 mins
The search for love can be challenging, especially when you're determined to honor God in the process. Today, on this special episode, special guests Ben and Maddie discuss what biblical dating looks like in today's world.
The two share the story of their romance and answer some questions asked by our young adults at FBC Tampa.
If you're single, dating, engaged, or even newly married, this conversation offers refreshing perspective on relationships that honor God. Tune into this episode of Unsexy Church!
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 2 (00:13):
Hello everyone and welcome to the Unsexy Church
podcast.
Speaker 1 (00:18):
Hello, hello everybody, this is a what it's
your boy Ben.
Speaker 2 (00:23):
It's your boy Ben.
Speaker 1 (00:24):
Yeah, we, we're a little different today we are.
Speaker 2 (00:29):
It's a very special episode.
Why is that?
Speaker 1 (00:31):
uh, well, first of all, I'm here and my beautiful,
lovely wife, madison, is alsohere.
Oh, so kind hello.
Speaker 2 (00:38):
Uh, we, we've upped the beauty in the room with
being hot of it, and then wereplaced them with the Maddie
block.
Speaker 3 (00:48):
And the Kara Smith.
Speaker 2 (00:50):
I always be here, just in the corner.
Speaker 1 (00:53):
Them two bring the beauty down significantly.
So when?
They're out you're in Bumps upthe beauty.
Speaker 2 (01:00):
There you go.
Well, yeah, this is a veryspecial episode.
Yeah, how have you?
This is a very special episode.
Yeah, how have you guys been?
How's your day been so far?
Let's start with that.
Speaker 3 (01:11):
My day's been pretty good Just been at home, you know
, with our daughter, and then Icame here.
Speaker 2 (01:18):
That's all I've done today.
Speaker 3 (01:19):
I mean I did a lot in between all that.
Speaker 1 (01:20):
but Prepping for tonight, so looking forward to
it.
We're recording this on awednesday.
Speaker 3 (01:26):
We are, yes, youth group night best night one, nine
come on would you guys like toknow the fact of the day?
Speaker 2 (01:35):
yes, give us the fact of the day, kara fact of the
day is that the average cost ofa wedding in the united states
in 2024 was around $33,000.
Cha-ching, cha-ching.
Speaker 1 (01:48):
That's a lot of money .
Speaker 2 (01:50):
That is a lot of money.
Speaker 1 (01:51):
Do we have a cha-ching sound?
Speaker 2 (01:52):
I don't know, I'm trying to see.
Speaker 1 (01:55):
There needs to be a cha-ching sound.
Speaker 2 (01:57):
I know Cha-ching, cha-ching.
There's your cha-ching sound,yeah, I just made it, but isn't
that crazy $33,000.
How do you guys feel about that?
Speaker 3 (02:05):
I personally know people who have spent this much
and more on their wedding.
Speaker 1 (02:11):
After having a wedding, I never, like I,
understood that weddings wereexpensive.
Speaker 3 (02:16):
Wait.
Speaker 1 (02:16):
Disclaimer we did not spend $33,000 on a wedding, but
like after having a wedding,I'm hyper aware of how much
things cost so true so everywedding that I go to I'm like
that was a lot of money.
Yeah, especially if it's nice,it's like these chairs how much
do they?
Speaker 3 (02:33):
spend per chair no literally flowers oh, flowers,
this place one what?
Speaker 1 (02:40):
yeah, intense and the double shooters for the camera.
Speaker 3 (02:43):
They're like um, yeah , I think it's important to have
what you want to have.
Yeah on your day, but alsodon't waste money on your day.
Speaker 1 (02:54):
You know what I mean.
Speaker 3 (02:54):
Yeah, like if there's something that's like super
important to you.
Speaker 1 (02:57):
Like your whole life you've dreamed of having a taco
truck have the talk like haveyour taco truck, but maybe don't
have like such a good idea.
Speaker 3 (03:03):
But maybe don't have like such a good idea, but maybe
don't have like every otherthing don't do two tacos trucks
right, just do one taco exactlyand then maybe go with a little
uh, paper plate action who knows, there you go.
Speaker 2 (03:18):
Yeah, give and take a little taco tray, if you will
do.
You guys have something thatwas like your favorite thing
that you kind of switched on foryour wedding.
Speaker 3 (03:27):
Oh well, I always say , if you're going to splurge on
one thing, splurge on yourphotos, because that's literally
the one thing, other than yourspouse, that you have after your
wedding forever.
Speaker 1 (03:37):
Photos yeah yeah, that's like the one thing that
lasts you know.
Speaker 3 (03:41):
So that's something that we splurged on, I think the
other thing, if you want to, ifyou have like a specific place
you want to get married that youreally care about you know
that's in all your pictures, soI kind of understand that, and
then maybe your dress is a goodsplurge.
Speaker 1 (03:55):
I mean, it's not necessarily the wedding, but
maybe splurge a little on yourlittle bachelor bachelorette.
Speaker 2 (04:02):
Oh yeah, the little bridal wedding, have some fun,
make a fun memory.
Speaker 3 (04:09):
As far as our wedding , yeah, I feel like we splurged
on the photos.
That's really the only thing wesplurged on.
We tried to do a lot ofpersonal stuff.
We used my parents' cake topperand we used his parents' cake
cutting thing, so that wasspecial, that's very special, I
mean, my dress wasn't cheap butit wasn't a million dollars
either.
Speaker 1 (04:27):
That was probably another purge.
Speaker 3 (04:28):
Yeah, I thrifted, like all our decorations, all
the groomsmen jackets I thrifted.
Speaker 1 (04:32):
They were all like a dollar, which that's a lot.
Speaker 2 (04:33):
Oh, really, yeah, they were like they didn't.
Speaker 3 (04:39):
I don't want to say, oh one was black and one was
blue.
Speaker 1 (04:42):
But that's not how it was.
They didn't match.
They were all like not suede,but they were all like a wintry
brownish, Brownish grayish.
Speaker 2 (04:49):
I didn't know that you drifted them.
They were cute.
Speaker 3 (04:51):
Yeah, like a dollar a piece.
Speaker 2 (04:53):
Yeah, it was kind of a vibe.
Then they got them fitted eachto themselves.
Speaker 1 (04:57):
No, I like Some of them didn't have to.
Speaker 2 (05:07):
I, like, found their sizes.
That's the coolest thing ever.
It was.
It was a sleigh, sleigh indeed.
Well, you guys have probablyalready gotten a little bit of a
hint about what today's episodeis on.
We recently had a Q and a withour young adults about
relationships, just marriage andrelationships, and what it
looks like to date from abiblical perspective, and it
went very well.
And Maddie was actuallysupposed to be one of the hosts
(05:30):
that night.
I don't know about hosts orguest speakers but wasn't able
to make it.
But we also had a bunch ofquestions left, because we have
very many curious young adultswho just want some love.
Yeah, who want some love.
Not quite sure how to get it.
So today we are going to beanswering some of those
questions for you.
(05:52):
All the tips and tricks, all thetips and tricks how to get
married fast.
No, I'm kidding.
But before we kind of dig intothat, I do want to know if you
guys could just kind of tell usa little bit, little bit of your
story about how you guys met.
Speaker 3 (06:07):
Um ben is motioning to me so I think that he wants
me to say elegant storyteller oh, I'll jump in with the detail
if it's missed.
Speaker 1 (06:17):
Oh okay, not that, not that it will right, right,
right, no, it's okay, um, okay,so ben and I actually met here
at fbc tampa.
Speaker 3 (06:25):
Oh shout out.
Um, my family moved here when Iwas in high school because my
dad was in the military, so wemoved around a lot and we moved
here the summer after mysophomore year.
Um, yeah, summer after mysophomore year, yes and um, I
started coming to this churchwith my family and ben was
(06:48):
actually the first person that Igot introduced to.
Fun fact, trent was also new tothis church at the time as the
new youth pastor.
I think he had only been herefor like a couple weeks, yeah a
month it was like very quicklyum
Speaker 1 (07:02):
so he didn't waste any time so no, exactly exactly
no, we, we've told the storywith trent and he always says
that I was just the only personthat he like yeah, good, point
two, kind of point two so Iremember walking in the door on
a sunday morning and him, youknow, I met trent and jesse and
baby judah was in his little carseat.
Speaker 3 (07:24):
He was little teeny nino, um.
And immediately after, justlike introducing ourselves small
talk is over trent's like.
So this is ben, the pastor's son, and I was like oh, hello um,
but at the time ben and Iactually both had other
significant others.
So, um, we were just friends.
(07:46):
I'm gonna fast forward a little.
We were friends for a year.
We did a lot of church together, like we sang on the worship
team together, we served in alot of the kid areas and bbs and
all those things, youth events,all that.
And then we, um, the nextsummer, um, we had both at this
(08:09):
point broken up with oursignificant others that we had
before and we kind of startedliking each other over camp.
So we were camp crushes, cute,and, um, yeah, after camp then
ben asked me to be hisgirlfriend.
We started dating.
(08:29):
So I was a senior in highschool and ben wait, you were
going into your sorry year.
Speaker 1 (08:36):
I was going to my freshman year correct um, and so
we started dating.
Speaker 3 (08:41):
And then, um, then, when it came time for college, I
decided, well, I didn't reallyknow where I wanted to go to
school, um, because my familywas moving.
And so I was like, well, Ican't really pick based off
where my family is.
So I kind of had a coupleoptions.
I ended up going to campbelluniversity in north carolina and
then ben over.
This time, if you've listenedto the, I think you talked about
(09:02):
this on one episode.
You were in one of the first atthis time.
If you've listened to the, Ithink you talked about this on
one episode you were in one ofthe first at this time felt the
Lord calling him into ministry,and so he had to switch schools,
and we actually already hadsome connections with a school
up in North Carolina calledSoutheastern Seminary, and it
just happened to be only onehour from Campbell University.
(09:25):
What a coincidence.
I know so we didn't necessarilypick, it was on the list, it
was very low on it, it was allthese things are really great.
Speaker 1 (09:37):
Exactly, it was only an hour.
Speaker 3 (09:38):
It was a plus, but honestly, it was really great
because we each kind of had ourown space, I mean because we'd
only been dating for a year whenwe went to college.
Speaker 1 (09:45):
So it was kind of nice If we were to break up.
It wouldn't have been yeah, itwould have been okay, yeah.
Speaker 3 (09:49):
But also it kind of helped us stay together at the
same time.
Speaker 1 (09:52):
Yeah, because we were able to go to church together.
Speaker 3 (10:01):
Yeah, so then we went to church together for for
three years.
We got married and then movedback a year ago and just had a
baby nine months ago.
Oh yeah, shout out her.
Speaker 2 (10:15):
And yeah, was that good story.
Speaker 3 (10:18):
That was great that was great, so yeah, so you guys
met here at this church and nowwe're back, which is so sweet,
yeah, and now our daughter isgonna You're at this church, and
now we're back, which is sosweet, and now our daughter is
going to grow up in this church.
Speaker 2 (10:29):
Yeah, that's crazy.
Speaker 3 (10:30):
That makes me emotional.
Speaker 1 (10:33):
Honestly, it's a weird reality.
I didn't grow up from a babyhere, but from third grade is
practically baby.
If you're a third grader outthere, you're a big boy, don't
worry about it.
Speaker 3 (10:44):
Shout out all the third graders listening.
Speaker 1 (10:45):
Shout out, uh but like just knowing that uh, she's
gonna grow up is really coolyeah she'll experience a lot of
the same things that I diddifferent time, obviously, but
yes, just running around thehalls and such that.
Speaker 2 (11:02):
That's so precious, that's so precious, so would you
say, in total, you guys datedfor two years.
Speaker 1 (11:09):
No, no, it had to be way more than that Three and a
half, three and a half.
Yeah, yeah, dated for two and ahalf Engaged for a year.
Speaker 3 (11:18):
A year and a month or so A year, and then got married
.
Speaker 1 (11:21):
Got married.
Speaker 2 (11:22):
Yeah, dated for two and a half.
Engaged for a year.
A year and then got married andthen got married Correct, so in
total that was three and a halfyears.
Speaker 1 (11:33):
Three and a half years.
Speaker 2 (11:34):
Okay, sorry I don't know how to do my math.
That's okay, but because wehave quite a few questions just
about how long some peopleshould be dating, those are what
the first few questions areabout.
So I'm just going to kind oflist all these questions that
the young adults had asked andthen we can discuss.
But one of them is why doChristian couples get married so
shortly after meeting?
(11:55):
Another question is how longshould couples date?
And the next question is whatdo you guys think the best age
to get married at is?
I know a lot of people havethoughts on that, like, oh, we
need to get married as soon aspossible.
Speaker 3 (12:09):
I mean, I don't know um those are just the questions
that that were asked I mean, Ifeel like you got to start with
the how long should couples date, because that's kind of like
the first order of business Ithink we're going to say the
same exact thing.
Speaker 1 (12:22):
Like it it's almost it's relative per couple.
Like if you're 16, dating a 16year old and you guys have high
school left and college left,then you should probably date
for longer than a year and ahalf Right?
Speaker 3 (12:39):
You should date for a while.
Speaker 1 (12:40):
But if you're 28 and you're just meeting for the
first time, 22, 22, like livingand you're just meeting for the
first time 22 22 like living,and you're actually able to get
married.
Speaker 3 (12:49):
I don't be a lot shorter I don't think there's a
specific I love I'm probablygonna shout out jp a lot on this
podcast.
There's a pastor jonathan thatI really, really love listening
to and he has just so muchwisdom on dating in today's
culture and he always says youshould date as long as you need
to, to see like if this personis going to be a good spouse and
(13:13):
is going to be your spouse andthen, once you have the answers,
yes, and you know, everythingelse is good to go get married
then
Speaker 2 (13:21):
get married, you know so, and it could be different
for each person.
Speaker 1 (13:25):
Yeah, yeah could be 13 years if you're um, if you're
really young, might as well butalso don't date that young yeah
that's not the question, butcut that out.
Speaker 2 (13:38):
So do you think there's a the perfect age to get
to get married at?
Oh, I don't know.
Yeah, I mean I'd suggest oneweek the ones we got married at,
because that's just what we didbut, I don't I think it's a
relative thing, like a persituation, I think there's a lot
, a lot of people probablyfacing pressure, feeling like
they have to get married or dosomething yeah you know so.
(13:58):
So I think that's probably whythat that question was asked.
Speaker 3 (14:01):
Yeah I'm very much against the one fits all
approach with like talking abouttopics like these, unless it's
obviously like a sin issue.
I feel like you know, it can bedifferent for so many people
and I think there's beendifferent seasons of like the
church where it's like, oh, youneed to do X Y Z or oh, you need
to do X Y Z, and it's probablyjust whatever is going to work
(14:22):
best for you, as long as you'reserving the Lord and devoted
your life to him.
Speaker 2 (14:27):
It could be different for different people.
Any thoughts on why Christiancouples get married so shortly
after meeting?
This could be asked by aChristian, or even someone who
was not a believer.
Speaker 1 (14:41):
Just being curious.
There's so many answers to thisquestion.
There's so many answers to thisquestion One.
I think, as a Christian culture, we put marriage on a pedestal,
and I think it shouldnecessarily be on a pedestal.
Speaker 2 (14:58):
Wait, should or should not?
It should be.
Speaker 1 (15:00):
It's something that God created to represent his
relationship with the church andit's a beautiful, wonderful
thing and it's talked aboutoften in church.
So when you are a Christiangrowing up around that and you
find another Christian who alsogrew up around that who most
(15:20):
likely wants to start a family,and do that as soon as possible.
You find someone that you thinkis good for that and you, you,
you get married.
Um, and do I think it's alwaysgood?
No, Do I think the Lord canstill use that?
Speaker 3 (15:41):
Yes, that's what I would say when I yeah, like what
I was kind of saying about Ifeel like right now it's very
common to see people dating fora very short amount of time and
getting married a very shortamount of time, which I don't
think is, Go to any Biblecollege and it's.
Speaker 1 (15:55):
it's all over the place.
Speaker 3 (15:56):
Yeah, I don't think it's wrong.
I just also think that ifthat's not something that you're
comfortable with and have peaceabout, then you're not in the
wrong for not getting marriedfast.
As to believing Christians whowant to get married, I think
it's okay if you.
Speaker 1 (16:13):
It's okay to not get married.
Speaker 3 (16:16):
Don't get married fast.
But I think the reason peopledo I mean, I think if you are,
if let's take a couple who is,you know, following the Lord,
does want to get married, knowsthe other person is their spouse
, they're following the Lord,then you know if you're
following all the things thatGod has said is best for you.
There's a lot of reasons towant to get married.
Speaker 1 (16:40):
So marriage is great.
Speaker 3 (16:41):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (16:41):
There's a lot of things about marriage that are
awesome.
Speaker 3 (16:43):
Yeah, yeah.
Companionship intimacy, all ofit.
Speaker 1 (16:47):
It's something to be desired.
Speaker 2 (16:48):
I'm going to ask a question to each of you.
That's not necessarily on thislist, but what would you reflect
, reflecting on yourself, eitherlike as a man or as a woman?
What would you think toyourself I need to have before I
get married?
Speaker 1 (17:04):
as a whoop.
Speaker 2 (17:05):
No, I'm kidding wait, do you mean from a?
Speaker 3 (17:07):
relationship yeah or like what would I need to know
about ben, or, more so, aboutyourself?
Speaker 2 (17:14):
so, like I, should probably, for example for a man,
be able to provide, becauseyou're talking about, like,
being out of high school.
You know, like you, if you'rein high school, you probably
would like to wait before youget married so that you are able
to provide just things likethat but then like as a woman?
What?
What would you reflect on?
What would I need to havebefore I get married?
Speaker 1 (17:33):
yeah, I mean, the being able to provide is a
massive thing.
But I also think Just ingeneral, like being able to
actually be married and live alife that is like.
I mean.
Decent is something to valuefrom both perspectives is
(17:57):
something to value from bothperspectives.
I think it biblically falls onthe man to provide, but I also
think that it's important forthe wife to provide in other
ways, maybe not specificallymonetarily, but provide care for
the home and things like that.
Speaker 3 (18:14):
I think when we're talking about getting married
young, I mean, I have a lot offriends right now who, like
their husbands, are in schooland you know the wife is helping
or completely providing.
So I don't I think there's likenuances to obviously like
long-term and there's a lot ofways, like the husband, you can
be the provider, you know, evenif maybe one of you is in school
(18:34):
and you can't necessarilymonetarily carry the family.
Speaker 2 (18:38):
That's exactly how we were.
I was still in school when wegot married.
Speaker 1 (18:43):
And the goal is to provide.
Speaker 3 (18:45):
Right, and you still did work, yeah.
Speaker 1 (18:49):
And now I am able to do that and it is a blessing and
it is something that's great.
So again, I would say it's arelative thing for that, because
I think we're called to provideas men, in our families, in our
marriages, but sometimes itdoesn't have to be exactly right
away if it's a clear path tobeing able to provide.
Speaker 2 (19:14):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (19:14):
I think a lot of it from both, especially if you are
younger.
When you get married, maybeyou're still in school, maybe
you're like just out of school.
You haven't necessarily likelived life on your own per se.
I think a lot of what reallythe only thing or one of the
only things you really like needto be able to do before getting
married is being able to choosethe other person and also just
(19:36):
being willing to put yourselfishness aside, because
there's going to be nuances inevery scenario.
There's no perfect.
This has to be done, that hasto be done.
If you continue to do thosethings while you chase after the
Lord, then no matter what,maybe you're in a season where
the wife is fully providing, orthe husband is fully providing,
(19:56):
or either are working at all forsome reason you know, both are
working.
Yeah, and that can go.
I'm I know we're sticking onthe providing thing, but that
can go for many things Like Ithink there's seasons for all of
it.
Speaker 1 (20:08):
Yeah, similar to what you just said, I would say that
, uh, looking back, I I don'tthink I did a perfect job at
this.
I know I didn't do a perfectjob at it, but being willing to
put away childish things whenyou get married, it's something
that we were told in Scriptureto do, just in general, as you
(20:28):
get older, to put away childishthings, to start specifically
talking about diving intoscripture more specifically and,
yeah, uh, deeper, but just inlife in general, I I think when
you get married, as a man, youcan still have your hobbies, you
can still have fun with yourfriends and things like that,
but your, your number onepriority becomes your wife and
(20:49):
when you're, uh, become a family, you become parents.
Your number one, your numberone priority becomes your, your
children, and your number twopriority becomes your wife and
your, your family.
Speaker 3 (20:58):
um, and I think you need to well, husband and wife
are still the number onepriority.
But you mean, like your time,and yes.
Speaker 1 (21:06):
Yes, I knew what you meant, but I just wanted to
clarify um, but yeah, just beingwilling to put yourself last um
is something that we're calledto as Christians in general.
Speaker 2 (21:19):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (21:20):
But, looking back, I needed to do a better job at
that, and I think that'ssomething that is important for
a man, for a woman going into amarriage is to be willing to let
yourself down.
Yeah, good to be willing to letyourself down.
Speaker 2 (21:36):
Yeah, good.
So as a man, you shouldprobably think to.
If you're thinking aboutgetting married, you should
probably think how can I providefor this girl that I would like
to marry?
Am I ready to make sacrificesthat are necessary for?
Speaker 3 (21:49):
her.
Speaker 1 (21:51):
Practically if that daughter, that woman, has a
great relationship with herfather, those are questions that
her dad is going to ask you.
You're going to need answers,for that's just a very practical
thing.
So if you're out there about toask someone to marry them and
you need to talk to their dad,have answers for those questions
.
Because, they'll probably beasking, amongst other things but
(22:15):
I think those are the big oneshow are you going to treat my
daughter?
How you're going to provide forher?
Speaker 2 (22:19):
yeah, and then also probably providing in a
spiritual way as well.
Speaker 1 (22:23):
Yeah, providing protecting all of those things
and then from a woman'sperspective.
Speaker 3 (22:29):
you're also probably giving some of that time up um
anything else to mention, or Imean, this could be a hot take,
but it doesn't have to be thesame for every person.
But I think, like we are called,like as women, to, you know,
take care of the home in somesort of capacity.
(22:49):
I don't think that necessarilymeans you have to only stay at
home as a wife or only stay athome as a mom, and that's all
that you can do, and you justhave to wash the dishes all day.
That's not what I'm saying, butI do think, like God has given
us a gift, like as women, tolike make things beautiful and
peaceful, and like you're goingto be the person who's
cultivating the atmosphere ofyour home, and I think that's
(23:13):
like a really big thing to tothink about.
And you can practice for that,like, if you're in college and
you have roommates, like yes,obviously it's going to be
different than when you'reliving with your husband, but
like, take care of the apartmentyou know, like and foster like
a spirit of community in yourhome for the time being.
Like I feel like that's reallyimportant.
(23:35):
Me and my girlfriends did that alot in college.
I feel like that's reallyimportant, me and my girlfriends
did that a lot in college.
I feel like that really preparedme well to have our own home
and space.
I feel like that's a good thingto think about.
Speaker 1 (23:46):
I think a big practical bubble, for it is just
to be prepared for your role,the role that you're stepping
into.
Speaker 2 (23:53):
All right, I think we're going to dig into these
next questions here.
Let's try to get these out andout, because some of them are I
don't know.
First question is how do I knowI feel like this has to be a
guy, obviously?
How do I know when to text herso that I don't appear too
attached?
Ben thoughts no, I got thoughts.
Speaker 3 (24:14):
I got thoughts.
Speaker 1 (24:16):
I'll throw in a thought real quick.
It's okay to be attached If youlike the girl and she likes you
.
Don't be ashamed of being tooattached.
Speaker 3 (24:32):
Don't be too attached .
Speaker 2 (24:34):
Don't be weird.
Don't never let her breathe.
Text her back every two attacks.
Speaker 3 (24:37):
Don't be weird.
Speaker 2 (24:38):
Don't like never let her breathe.
Yeah, but like text her backevery like two seconds.
Speaker 3 (24:42):
No, no, no, but also, don't please, oh my goodness
People people, people, people.
Let me say something we need tostop with the.
He read my message two hoursand twenty minutes ago, so I'm
gonna wait two hours and 20minutes ago, so I'm going to
wait two hours and 21 minutes torespond.
Please don't do that, gross.
Please don't do that.
(25:03):
You know what?
I'm going to throw another JPquote in there.
Speaker 2 (25:05):
All right.
Speaker 3 (25:06):
He always says clarity is kindness.
Okay, and that goes for whenyou're telling someone that you
like them and when you'retelling someone, hey, like, I
don't think this is going towork out, I don't think this is
going to work out.
I don't think that we should goon another date Either, or?
Please, just be clear.
It makes it so much easier foreverybody.
And then there you go.
Speaker 1 (25:27):
Done.
Yeah, and I mean, how do youknow when you should text her?
So you don't appear tooattached.
Hmm, I wonder whatinter-female's name is doing.
Hey, how are you?
What are you?
What are you up to like whenyou think about it, or when you
have a question?
For like it, just like, talk toher like it, don't, don't it.
(25:47):
It does not have to be a gameyes to figure out, because it
shouldn't be.
Speaker 3 (25:53):
It shouldn't be a game that, yeah, yeah, and it
also probably shouldn't be likethe only thing that we're
thinking about all day you knowI think for some people it can
be that right which you know Iwas about to say especially if
you are not like, if you are ineither or you're going to be in
a relationship or want to be ina relationship with somebody who
isn't like far away.
So I'm kind of not reallytalking about long distance
(26:14):
relationships.
But if you like, see them everyweek and everything like maybe
just don't text them all thetime and talk to them in person.
Or maybe text them and say likehey, do you and a group of
friends want to go do X, y, z?
Like I would say, really gooddating advice is to be in person
as much as possible and inperson with friends as much as
possible.
You are going to get to know somuch more about somebody when
(26:38):
you're around their friends andthem than texting them 24 7 so
good.
Speaker 2 (26:45):
Thanks, kara.
I also feel like this isanother take, but snapchat is
awful snapchat needs to gobecause it just allows you to
see I'm sure other people haveprobably said this but just
allows you to see I'm sure otherpeople have probably said this,
but it just allows you to seetoo much of people's lives.
100%, you get to see wherethey're at, where they're at.
Speaker 1 (27:04):
Where they're at.
Where they're at.
Speaker 2 (27:07):
You get to see if they've seen something that
you've sent.
You know what I mean.
You get to see, like all thesethings.
Speaker 3 (27:19):
It's too much, it's too sneaky.
Yeah, I just feel like, yeah,you know, we're not children or
little you know teeny boppersanymore, unless you are like be
an adult, you know, but be anadult like in your relationship.
Speaker 1 (27:26):
You know be mature yeah, yeah yeah all right.
Next question is dating tomarry outdated uh, in reality no
, but in culture, yes, what I'm,what I mean by.
That was deep put that on apillow pillow like a grandma
where would that?
Pillow, sit on a couch, oh,like a, like a fancy like tea
(27:47):
room, you know, like a grandma'shouse.
Okay, keep going.
Uh, but what I?
What I mean by that is I.
In reality it's not.
That is what you should bedoing in your dating life, in
your dating experience, butculture says that it is outdated
, and I think that is extremelywrong, amongst other things that
(28:09):
the culture says is wrong.
So in reality it's not, but theculture is telling you yes.
Speaker 2 (28:15):
Here on the podcast, so far we've only talked about
dating for the purpose ofmarriage.
Right, you know, because theother option, what is it dating
for the purpose of?
Speaker 1 (28:22):
dating or, yeah, date dating.
Or dating for the purpose ofdating, for not to not get.
Speaker 2 (28:28):
Let me, let me uh think for a second uh dating to
marry.
Speaker 1 (28:31):
uh.
Is good dating to not or datingto marry?
Is good Dating to not or datingto marry?
Speaker 3 (28:40):
Spit it out, benjamin , spit it out.
Speaker 2 (28:45):
He's about to drop another line.
Speaker 1 (28:47):
Another pillow, a pillow line.
When you're not dating to marry, you are dating to fulfill your
own selfish desires.
That is what I was trying tosay clearly the first time, and
what I mean by that is, ifyou're dating to marry, you are
searching for someone in yourlife that you can both pursue
(29:08):
Christ together, to uh, grow inyour own relationship but also
grow together closer to Christ.
Uh, when you are dating to notget married and you're just
dating to date, you're trying tojust find a companion of some
sort.
You are probably just wanting tohang out with somebody, spend
(29:29):
some time with somebody, and Ithink you should be dating.
Speaker 2 (29:33):
Yeah, you want all of the emotional benefits, all the
physical pleasures and benefits, not, but I will also add.
Speaker 3 (29:41):
I think sometimes as a church and like young adults,
we can put a lot of pressure atthe same time of like, I think,
especially in the past, youwould.
You're like oh, you only need todate your husband, like the
first person that you date needsto be the person that you marry
, and I would say, relax alittle, slow your roll it's okay
to date multiple people as longas you are dating each one with
(30:07):
the intention to marry and youare only breaking up because
something you know is hinderingthat, for some reason, something
happens that you don't want tonow don't hear me say go date 8
million people.
Speaker 1 (30:18):
At once.
Speaker 3 (30:19):
Definitely not at once but also probably not in
the long term either.
So that's not what I'm saying,but I am saying I feel like
there can be a lot of guilt whengirls are like, oh, I just want
the first person that I date tobe my husband, and I'm not
saying that's a bad desire, butI have seen personally in some
(30:47):
girls lives like at college, whowanted that so badly that they
put so much pressure on them andalmost felt like guilty for
breaking it off with someone whothey knew they weren't going to
marry just because they were abeliever and but it obviously
wasn't going to work out, and soI would say, just you know,
don't put that much pressure.
Yeah, don't put that muchpressure on you.
Speaker 1 (31:01):
Obviously to marry, but don't put pressure on it,
that the first joe schmoe thatyou talk to has to be exactly
yeah all right, hey.
Speaker 2 (31:12):
Next question how to find a godly man while still
letting him pursue you.
So how am I supposed to find agodly man while also being found
?
Speaker 3 (31:25):
by the godly man.
All the girls are wondering.
Speaker 2 (31:29):
That's the question.
Speaker 3 (31:31):
I mean I would say first of all, I mean, make sure
you're looking in the rightplaces for the men.
Like you know, be involved atyour church and go serve places,
like go where the godly men are.
That would be my first thing.
Make sure you're doing thosethings.
(31:51):
I think this is going to go allthe way back to Genesis, but I
feel like one of the like corethings as a result of the fall
is that men have become morepassive.
Like I would say that that was,you know, one of the first
things that Adam, you know,didn't do is like stood up for
(32:12):
what was right, and I think thatthat is definitely a cultural,
a big culture problem in thechurch too.
Um, so I I hear all the girlswondering this, Um, but I think
I mean, if they're asking, youknow, is it okay to like go up
to a guy first or like, is itokay to tell a guy you're
(32:35):
interested in them?
I do think it's okay.
I think you know, just becareful.
Like you don't want to beleading the whole relationship,
but you know, I don't think it'swrong for a girl to tell a guy
I don't think she's interestedfirst.
I don't think it's wrong for agirl to make the first move per
se, if that's the language youwant to use, but when you're, if
(33:00):
you do find yourself in arelationship from that, make
sure that he is pursuing youright in the relationship after
that.
Speaker 1 (33:03):
Yeah, you know, after that is he going to step up?
Because just a little hint intothe men's brain, where we don't
think too much we some, some,do, some think a lot.
Speaker 3 (33:20):
We some, some do, some think a lot um, but like we
may not notice anything thatgirls are potentially, uh,
trying to, oh hint, okay, I waslike where is this going?
We don't think very much, wedon't actually have any thoughts
it's just, you know the oldping pong game.
Okay, it's just that, yeah butlike you miss some hints yeah
we'll, we'll miss something.
Speaker 1 (33:38):
So if you, you're a girl and you like a guy, and he
loves the lord and you love thelord, say, hey, I like you, you
love the lord.
Speaker 3 (33:50):
Oh, let's go get some milkshakes or something I don't
know, but it's okay, yeah, yeahbut also men, if you're
listening, step up and be a man.
You know if you're, if you're aman or something, I don't know,
but it's okay.
Yeah, but also men, if you'relistening, step up and be a man.
Speaker 1 (34:01):
If you're a man, pursue somebody.
Yeah, pursue somebody.
Speaker 3 (34:05):
Yeah, I don't know.
Do you have any thoughts onthat, kara?
I feel like that can be kind ofnuanced too.
Speaker 2 (34:11):
I feel like when I first came to this church five
years ago remember I was afreshman at USF and I was like
where are the boys.
Is there someone I can date here?
And there was Next church and Iremember thinking to myself
there's so many women that Iwould love to learn from.
But I really genuinely did lookaround and I didn't feel like
(34:34):
there was someone suitable forme.
Sure, and then I met my husbandthrough campus ministry Very
cool round and I didn't feellike there was someone suitable
for me, sure, um, uh.
And then I met my husbandthrough campus ministry.
Very cool, um, but yeah, shoutout, jaden.
But now, five years later, Ifeel like this church has just
grown so much and I, yeah, in somany different ways.
And I remember in the beginning, um, like when I was 18, 19,
(34:58):
even 20, I was just like prayingthat the Lord would bring some
more like young adults not forthe purpose of me to date, but
just in general, but that was aside purpose.
I'm just kidding, but also justin general for leadership
purposes community because, youknow, I'm like man.
There's so many women that Iwould love to learn from.
Speaker 1 (35:16):
And.
Speaker 2 (35:16):
I want you know what I mean.
I'm like I don't know.
I was just like wanting thereto be more men in the young
adult sphere as well.
Um, and I look now and I justsee that the Lord has been so
faithful in our leadership, um,in our young adult group, um,
and then also, when I just lookinto the crowd on a Sunday
(35:37):
morning, I see so many more menthan I did before.
So I just think that the Lordhas answered that prayer and for
a girl who's thinking toherself like I just want God to
pursue me.
I think that what you're sayingabout serving and being in the
right places is very true, but Ialso think that if you're
getting out of your comfort zonefor the purpose of spreading
(35:57):
the gospel, if you're being kindto people, older ladies in the
church notice that they mightset you up.
Speaker 1 (36:05):
I don't know, true, true, but other people, older
ladies, got nephews, yeah, butolder.
Speaker 2 (36:11):
I don't know people will notice that.
Everyone in the church willnotice if you're taking chances
to share your faith.
If you're taking chances toshare your faith, if you're
taking chances to be inviting,if you're getting out of your
comfort zone for other reasonsthat are not in relation to
dating right um keep chasingafter the lord.
Speaker 3 (36:26):
Yeah, yeah, yeah, and you will allow opportunities.
Speaker 1 (36:29):
Yeah, yeah even in a healthy, strong church being on
fire for the lord stands out itdoes it really does true, does
True which is it's.
It's a sad reality, but it istrue.
Like being on fire in the Lordfor the Lord stands out in the,
in the real world and in life,at work, at school, but being on
fire for the Lord also standsout for at church, yeah.
So if you do that, some someonewill notice.
Speaker 2 (36:52):
Yeah, don't, don't, don't, don't do it for show,
don't do it for not.
Speaker 1 (36:55):
Don't be on fire for the Lord to meet a dude.
Yeah, be on fire for Lordbecause you love the Lord and
meet a dude who's also on firefor the Lord, and then become
one fire together.
Speaker 2 (37:07):
What All?
Speaker 1 (37:10):
right Next question.
Speaker 2 (37:11):
But yeah, so that backs a lot of what you guys
were already talking about.
But so this next person wantsto know, um, just about how to
choose the right person, and soyou know, like, how are we
supposed to choose the rightperson?
How?
Speaker 3 (37:28):
do you know?
It's the one it's the one I'msaying how do you know, oh yeah,
how do you know, oh yeah, howdo you know how to know who to
choose.
Speaker 2 (37:37):
Yeah, how do I know who to choose?
Even for today?
Yeah, just to date to marry.
Um, what were things that youguys even noticed about one
another that made you think Iwant to marry this girl, I want
to marry this guy?
Speaker 3 (37:49):
Um, I think I mean number one.
Like you obviously want to findsomeone who is on fire for the
Lord.
I also think that, again, goingback to the friendship thing, I
think that's a really, reallytelling way.
If somebody is a good person todate and to marry also, I think
(38:13):
that it's you just see a lotmore of someone's integrity and
even beyond that, you just canlearn a lot more about somebody
and just what they think aboutall kinds of things in life,
Like even like spiritual things,just practical, day-to-day
things.
Like when we were in college,my friend group that Ben was
(38:39):
also a part of, when he wouldcome visit we would have all
kinds of like conversationsabout things, and just ask each
other like, oh, what do youthink about this?
and bouncing off of each other,we were kind of able to see like
, oh, I've never thought of that.
Oh, I've never thought of that.
Oh, this is what I think like,and I think you can just really
really get to know someone.
So I think as a friend, yes, asa friend and then also, you
know, okay, am I going to meshwell with this person like based
on our beliefs and based onwhat we think about.
(39:00):
You know other things, like howdo they treat other people.
You know, because it's not justhow they treat you yeah because
it's a lot easier to treatsomeone nicely when it's just
you two and you're on a date ata fancy restaurant, and of
course they're going to be, andshe too also wants to give you a
kiss.
Speaker 1 (39:14):
It's really easy to be nice to that person, whoa.
Speaker 3 (39:22):
And.
But you know, when you see thatperson around their friends and
one of them makes a rude joke,how does that guy respond, you
know, like is he going to standup for what's right, or is he
going to laugh and make anotherjoke, you know, or just not say
anything like that.
That is when you can really youknow, see character.
Speaker 1 (39:36):
Yeah, see character.
You can see, you can really seecharacter in somebody when
you're around them andsituations that they're
comfortable, yeah, um, whenthey're comfortable, what?
How do they act Right?
Yeah, yeah, I've, I've datedbefore and then thought to
myself man, I could have reallylearned everything that I needed
(39:59):
to know about you just by beingyour friend, right?
Why did I need to do this?
You know that's a really goodpoint.
Yes, so I mean we're.
If you're friends with people,that's great.
Congratulations that you'refriends.
Speaker 3 (40:06):
Um, don't immediately start looking at your friend
group for your next nextboyfriend or girlfriend but if
you have a friend group thatloves the lord, maybe look
around your friend group and seeif anyone can be a spouse or
find someone that you can becomea friend with too well yeah, I
think a lot of people like arelike oh, these are all my
(40:26):
friends, you know, but have youever thought about your friends?
Like that spoiler alert if theylove the lord you want to have
fun with your spouse.
Speaker 1 (40:36):
So if you're friends before you start dating Right,
you'll know each other more,you'll have things to talk about
more and yeah.
Speaker 2 (40:44):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (40:45):
Be friends.
Speaker 2 (40:45):
Nice.
Speaker 3 (40:47):
Be friends.
And then, as far as you wereasking, like, how do we know,
like, about marrying?
the right person to marry.
I think obviously the basicsthat we've already talked about
a lot, I mean their characterand if they love the Lord, you
know, are they a part of achurch, et cetera, et cetera.
But beyond that, likepractically, I think it's just
you know, what are you guyswanting in life?
(41:09):
What are your family plans?
I say that with quotationsbecause obviously you know you
can only plan so much.
But you know you can only planso much, but you know, if one
person wants to be a missionaryoverseas and the other person
doesn't, I don't know if that'sa bad thing to say but you know,
I mean, it doesn't have thatcalling on their life Like you
(41:30):
know,maybe evaluate, see if you're,
you know, a good team.
Um, so I don't know.
Know, I just feel likepractically, like does it make
sense, you know?
And then also are people likecheering you on.
You know, like, if you havebest guy friends, best
girlfriends, and ask them likeyeah, hey, like I'm like really
serious about this guy, likewhat do you think about him?
(41:52):
Like I'm giving and but if yousay this, you have to be ready
to hear what they genuinely youknow, know, think and see and
notice.
But ask them like I'm giving youpermission to like call me out
or give me your real, you knowopinions of this guy, like I'm
thinking about marrying him.
And then if you really trustyour friend, like trust your
friend, you know multiple,obviously, you know seek counsel
(42:15):
.
What about, like, what do yourparents think, think, if you
have a good relationship withyour parents or his parents,
what do they think about it?
Like, are they cheering you on,saying like you know, we're so
excited, we want to have you inthe family, whatever, or is
there, you know, a lot ofcaution being thrown out?
you know, I feel like trust,like there's so many verses in
proverbs about like in the bun,in the abundance of counselors
(42:36):
there's safety, and I love thatverse and there's a bunch like
it, because it's just soimportant, I think, to bring
other people into yourrelationship again, obviously
people who love the lord, whoyou like opinions, you trust,
but you know, do that and thentrust them good or bad.
Speaker 2 (42:52):
Yeah, I love that.
I love that, all right.
I'm interested in someone who'scurious about Christianity but
is not a Christian currently.
They've come to church beforeand have a hunger for something
more, but haven't found the Lord.
What should I do about thesefeelings?
Speaker 3 (43:07):
We don't do that.
We don't do that.
Don't mess around with that.
Be friends with them.
Speaker 1 (43:12):
Talk to them about the Lord, help them with their
curiosity about Christianity.
Speaker 3 (43:18):
They have feelings for this person though I would
say point them to people who canhelp them, who are maybe like
the same gender, to help removetemptation and, emotional,
obviously, still be their friend, like you're saying, ben.
But yeah, maybe point them tosomeone else for like spiritual
(43:42):
conversations and then don't bemessing around, like don't hang
out alone with them and don'tBring them to your friends.
Speaker 1 (43:48):
Yeah, yes, yes.
Speaker 3 (43:49):
Have them a part of your friend group.
I'm not saying like shun themor anything, but don't allow
emotional connection like thatromantically, when someone's not
a believer.
Just don't do it.
Speaker 1 (44:03):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (44:03):
Don't do it.
It's clear that that's not theLord's best for you.
Like there will be.
You think that that's like thebest person for you, and it's
just not true, because the Lordhas the best things in mind for
you.
Speaker 1 (44:14):
And that's not it.
I'm pretty sure he got it fromsomewhere, but Trent says this
all the time Like the we as aculture, I think, just doesn't
understand that the things thatJesus and God say in scripture
are actually pretty good for us.
Like they actually are, likeit's it's probably the it's
(44:36):
definitely the best thing for us.
And Like they actually are Likeit's probably the it's
definitely the best thing for us.
And we, even as Christians, welive our lives almost different
from that.
What do they know?
It's like Everything.
Speaker 3 (44:49):
Yeah, god loves you and wants the best for you and
wants you to be with someone whoalso loves him, because you are
going to run into so many otherproblems later in life yeah,
nice, very, very good.
Speaker 2 (45:06):
I'm sorry, now I'm being a little strange with that
.
I feel like I have, uh, I'veknown people who you know have
tried to to date someone who'snot a believer and it usually
ends in heartbreak or I don'tknow if that person ends up
coming to the Lord like becauseof that person.
Speaker 3 (45:26):
Right which like praise God for that yeah.
But, that doesn't make it rightRight.
Speaker 2 (45:29):
Or they will try their best to be something else.
Speaker 3 (45:33):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (45:33):
Or the person who actually is a believer and you
don't try their best, but theirheart is not in it, and so it
just seems to be that there'sjust heartbreak to be found when
you follow that path.
Speaker 1 (45:44):
Because I mean just naturally, someone who is not a
believer has different moralsthan someone who is a believer.
They could be literally thebest human being alive and still
have different morals anddifferent things.
That just does not align withScripture.
That will affect yourrelationship yeah, okay, all
right.
Speaker 2 (46:01):
So during the q a there was a question um what
does god define as marriage.
Would would you like to answerthat for us really quick?
Just a brief synopsis what doeshe define as marriage?
Speaker 1 (46:13):
the top of my head, I'd say that the coming together
of two individuals, one male,one female, to become one
representing his relationshipwith his church.
Speaker 2 (46:27):
Nice T'le.
Speaker 3 (46:28):
T'le.
Speaker 2 (46:31):
And then this person had a question based off of that
, where they just want to knowif engagement is considered to
be this type of union.
What if people, because theysay, does the Bible specify
whether the union happens onceit's made legal?
When a man and woman make thechoice to be committed to each
other, is engagement consideredthis type of union?
Considered marriage?
Speaker 3 (46:52):
I think, if it's a, it's a, if it's a Christian
wedding ceremony between twobelievers, that it is seen when
the officiant, who is hopefullyalso a believer, says like you
are now pronounced husband andwife because I feel like they
are exercising their like.
I don't know if this is theright term, but maybe God-given
(47:13):
authority to marry two peopleand I would say it's at that
moment that you become husbandand wife when they say yeah, you
become husband and wife.
You become husband and wife thethe legal aspects of it are, you
know, part of that in ourculture and I think that also
matters yeah to you know, signthe papers and do the things and
all of that, but but for theyeah for the engagement question
(47:35):
.
Yes, engagement question datingengagement when you feel in
your heart that you are united.
And yeah, someone jokes aroundand blah, blah, blah.
Speaker 1 (47:45):
No, yeah, because it's a serious commitment, it's
a covenant you're making withanother individual yeah, right,
engagement is a commitment to acommitment.
Speaker 2 (47:52):
Yeah to a future commitment yeah um, we have a
question specifically for andthat will be the last question
Whoa how do you live out theGenesis 224 command to leave and
cleave while still living closeand working in the same place
as your parent, or as yourfather?
I guess Mom does not work hereat this church.
Speaker 1 (48:12):
Maybe no, I'm kidding , that's not going to happen.
Maybe no, I'm kidding, that'snot going to happen.
I would say, first of all, wewere married for over a year,
year and a half, before we moveddown here.
So, I had already been able toleave and cleave and to live our
own life, to make our owndecisions and things like that.
(48:34):
But practically not even justspecifically for me, but just in
general whether you live nearyour parents or far away from
your parents it's about makingyour new family that you just
created with your new wife yourpriority.
You can still love your parents, still love your mom, talk to
your mom, talk to your dad, lovethem, but ultimately, you need
(48:58):
to be aware that your decisionshave to put your family first.
Not that your parents are nolonger your family, but your
main responsibility is now yourwife.
It's not to make sure yourmom's happy or your dad's happy.
Speaker 3 (49:11):
Yes, you want those things, but how do you
practically live that out?
Speaker 1 (49:17):
So practically I spend more time with my wife
than I do with my parents.
Uh, I would say that whenthere's something that needs to
be, uh, decided upon and my, myparents so lovingly provide
advice, uh, I still take up onthat decision with Maddie and I
(49:37):
don't make a decision justbecause my mommy or daddy said
oh, this is probably a goodoption um yeah, so yeah, just
yeah, making sure you I putmaddie, and now our daughter,
first before them.
Not that I don't love my parents, shout out my parents and like
we, want to get counsel from ourparents, yeah we have both of
(49:57):
us have great, yes, greatparents.
Speaker 3 (49:59):
So, like ben was saying, like we still listen and
ask for advice, but it's alwayslike, okay, like this is what
you know.
Oh, we have to make thisdecision.
This is do we want to ask fortheir?
Speaker 1 (50:09):
advice on this.
Speaker 3 (50:10):
Yes, okay, let's ask for their advice.
Okay, let's come back togetherwithout them and talk to each
other about it.
After, what do we feel about it?
You know, what do you thinkabout what they said?
And then making the decision, Ifeel like that's really the
only, that's like the main place, I feel like where this comes
into play, because I mean, yeah,there's not a lot of ways that
are.
I mean, it may seem like ourlives are very, very intertwined
because ben works with his dad,but it's work.
(50:33):
It's working.
That's not like family, liketime.
Speaker 2 (50:38):
Yeah, do you know what I'm saying?
Speaker 3 (50:39):
So it's kind of like a different like.
Speaker 1 (50:42):
And we're both blessed with parents that are
very supportive of us, verysupportive.
And supportive in general, andwant what's best for us and
understand what leavingCleveland actually is Right,
they don't.
Speaker 3 (50:54):
They don't try to.
Speaker 1 (50:55):
They don't do anything like that actually is.
They don't step on our toes ordo anything like that, so we're
blessed with that.
But if you are in a marriage,that that is not the case.
It's about supporting your wife, supporting your husband.
Speaker 3 (51:07):
And it's imperative that you put up boundaries with
your parents, even in love andkindly.
But you know, sometimes thatneeds to be done and say this is
something I'm not going to talkwith you.
Speaker 1 (51:22):
You about this is something I need to talk with my
wife and my husband or like he,you will not talk to her like
that, like that, this being ableto defend your, your family,
yeah, very nice.
Speaker 2 (51:29):
So that is all the questions for our young adults,
all the ones that were left overfrom our relationship q a.
We're so so grateful that youguys were able to come and share
your wisdom.
Speaker 1 (51:40):
Yeah, it was a little bit a longer episode.
I know it definitely was.
I hope it was helpful to youall, I think it'll be good.
Speaker 2 (51:47):
Yeah, I think it's very good.
So thank you guys again forcoming on Unsexy Joy Podcast.
Thank you See y'all.
Bye.
Hello everyone and welcome to the Unsexy Church
podcast.
Speaker 1 (00:18):
Hello, hello everybody, this is a what it's
your boy Ben.
Speaker 2 (00:23):
It's your boy Ben.
Speaker 1 (00:24):
Yeah, we, we're a little different today we are.
Speaker 2 (00:29):
It's a very special episode.
Why is that?
Speaker 1 (00:31):
uh, well, first of all, I'm here and my beautiful,
lovely wife, madison, is alsohere.
Oh, so kind hello.
Speaker 2 (00:38):
Uh, we, we've upped the beauty in the room with
being hot of it, and then wereplaced them with the Maddie
block.
Speaker 3 (00:48):
And the Kara Smith.
Speaker 2 (00:50):
I always be here, just in the corner.
Speaker 1 (00:53):
Them two bring the beauty down significantly.
So when?
They're out you're in Bumps upthe beauty.
Speaker 2 (01:00):
There you go.
Well, yeah, this is a veryspecial episode.
Yeah, how have you?
This is a very special episode.
Yeah, how have you guys been?
How's your day been so far?
Let's start with that.
Speaker 3 (01:11):
My day's been pretty good Just been at home, you know
, with our daughter, and then Icame here.
Speaker 2 (01:18):
That's all I've done today.
Speaker 3 (01:19):
I mean I did a lot in between all that.
Speaker 1 (01:20):
but Prepping for tonight, so looking forward to
it.
We're recording this on awednesday.
Speaker 3 (01:26):
We are, yes, youth group night best night one, nine
come on would you guys like toknow the fact of the day?
Speaker 2 (01:35):
yes, give us the fact of the day, kara fact of the
day is that the average cost ofa wedding in the united states
in 2024 was around $33,000.
Cha-ching, cha-ching.
Speaker 1 (01:48):
That's a lot of money .
Speaker 2 (01:50):
That is a lot of money.
Speaker 1 (01:51):
Do we have a cha-ching sound?
Speaker 2 (01:52):
I don't know, I'm trying to see.
Speaker 1 (01:55):
There needs to be a cha-ching sound.
Speaker 2 (01:57):
I know Cha-ching, cha-ching.
There's your cha-ching sound,yeah, I just made it, but isn't
that crazy $33,000.
How do you guys feel about that?
Speaker 3 (02:05):
I personally know people who have spent this much
and more on their wedding.
Speaker 1 (02:11):
After having a wedding, I never, like I,
understood that weddings wereexpensive.
Speaker 3 (02:16):
Wait.
Speaker 1 (02:16):
Disclaimer we did not spend $33,000 on a wedding, but
like after having a wedding,I'm hyper aware of how much
things cost so true so everywedding that I go to I'm like
that was a lot of money.
Yeah, especially if it's nice,it's like these chairs how much
do they?
Speaker 3 (02:33):
spend per chair no literally flowers oh, flowers,
this place one what?
Speaker 1 (02:40):
yeah, intense and the double shooters for the camera.
Speaker 3 (02:43):
They're like um, yeah , I think it's important to have
what you want to have.
Yeah on your day, but alsodon't waste money on your day.
Speaker 1 (02:54):
You know what I mean.
Speaker 3 (02:54):
Yeah, like if there's something that's like super
important to you.
Speaker 1 (02:57):
Like your whole life you've dreamed of having a taco
truck have the talk like haveyour taco truck, but maybe don't
have like such a good idea.
Speaker 3 (03:03):
But maybe don't have like such a good idea, but maybe
don't have like every otherthing don't do two tacos trucks
right, just do one taco exactlyand then maybe go with a little
uh, paper plate action who knows, there you go.
Speaker 2 (03:18):
Yeah, give and take a little taco tray, if you will
do.
You guys have something thatwas like your favorite thing
that you kind of switched on foryour wedding.
Speaker 3 (03:27):
Oh well, I always say , if you're going to splurge on
one thing, splurge on yourphotos, because that's literally
the one thing, other than yourspouse, that you have after your
wedding forever.
Speaker 1 (03:37):
Photos yeah yeah, that's like the one thing that
lasts you know.
Speaker 3 (03:41):
So that's something that we splurged on, I think the
other thing, if you want to, ifyou have like a specific place
you want to get married that youreally care about you know
that's in all your pictures, soI kind of understand that, and
then maybe your dress is a goodsplurge.
Speaker 1 (03:55):
I mean, it's not necessarily the wedding, but
maybe splurge a little on yourlittle bachelor bachelorette.
Speaker 2 (04:02):
Oh yeah, the little bridal wedding, have some fun,
make a fun memory.
Speaker 3 (04:09):
As far as our wedding , yeah, I feel like we splurged
on the photos.
That's really the only thing wesplurged on.
We tried to do a lot ofpersonal stuff.
We used my parents' cake topperand we used his parents' cake
cutting thing, so that wasspecial, that's very special, I
mean, my dress wasn't cheap butit wasn't a million dollars
either.
Speaker 1 (04:27):
That was probably another purge.
Speaker 3 (04:28):
Yeah, I thrifted, like all our decorations, all
the groomsmen jackets I thrifted.
Speaker 1 (04:32):
They were all like a dollar, which that's a lot.
Speaker 2 (04:33):
Oh, really, yeah, they were like they didn't.
Speaker 3 (04:39):
I don't want to say, oh one was black and one was
blue.
Speaker 1 (04:42):
But that's not how it was.
They didn't match.
They were all like not suede,but they were all like a wintry
brownish, Brownish grayish.
Speaker 2 (04:49):
I didn't know that you drifted them.
They were cute.
Speaker 3 (04:51):
Yeah, like a dollar a piece.
Speaker 2 (04:53):
Yeah, it was kind of a vibe.
Then they got them fitted eachto themselves.
Speaker 1 (04:57):
No, I like Some of them didn't have to.
Speaker 2 (05:07):
I, like, found their sizes.
That's the coolest thing ever.
It was.
It was a sleigh, sleigh indeed.
Well, you guys have probablyalready gotten a little bit of a
hint about what today's episodeis on.
We recently had a Q and a withour young adults about
relationships, just marriage andrelationships, and what it
looks like to date from abiblical perspective, and it
went very well.
And Maddie was actuallysupposed to be one of the hosts
(05:30):
that night.
I don't know about hosts orguest speakers but wasn't able
to make it.
But we also had a bunch ofquestions left, because we have
very many curious young adultswho just want some love.
Yeah, who want some love.
Not quite sure how to get it.
So today we are going to beanswering some of those
questions for you.
(05:52):
All the tips and tricks, all thetips and tricks how to get
married fast.
No, I'm kidding.
But before we kind of dig intothat, I do want to know if you
guys could just kind of tell usa little bit, little bit of your
story about how you guys met.
Speaker 3 (06:07):
Um ben is motioning to me so I think that he wants
me to say elegant storyteller oh, I'll jump in with the detail
if it's missed.
Speaker 1 (06:17):
Oh okay, not that, not that it will right, right,
right, no, it's okay, um, okay,so ben and I actually met here
at fbc tampa.
Speaker 3 (06:25):
Oh shout out.
Um, my family moved here when Iwas in high school because my
dad was in the military, so wemoved around a lot and we moved
here the summer after mysophomore year.
Um, yeah, summer after mysophomore year, yes and um, I
started coming to this churchwith my family and ben was
(06:48):
actually the first person that Igot introduced to.
Fun fact, trent was also new tothis church at the time as the
new youth pastor.
I think he had only been herefor like a couple weeks, yeah a
month it was like very quicklyum
Speaker 1 (07:02):
so he didn't waste any time so no, exactly exactly
no, we, we've told the storywith trent and he always says
that I was just the only personthat he like yeah, good, point
two, kind of point two so Iremember walking in the door on
a sunday morning and him, youknow, I met trent and jesse and
baby judah was in his little carseat.
Speaker 3 (07:24):
He was little teeny nino, um.
And immediately after, justlike introducing ourselves small
talk is over trent's like.
So this is ben, the pastor's son, and I was like oh, hello um,
but at the time ben and Iactually both had other
significant others.
So, um, we were just friends.
(07:46):
I'm gonna fast forward a little.
We were friends for a year.
We did a lot of church together, like we sang on the worship
team together, we served in alot of the kid areas and bbs and
all those things, youth events,all that.
And then we, um, the nextsummer, um, we had both at this
(08:09):
point broken up with oursignificant others that we had
before and we kind of startedliking each other over camp.
So we were camp crushes, cute,and, um, yeah, after camp then
ben asked me to be hisgirlfriend.
We started dating.
(08:29):
So I was a senior in highschool and ben wait, you were
going into your sorry year.
Speaker 1 (08:36):
I was going to my freshman year correct um, and so
we started dating.
Speaker 3 (08:41):
And then, um, then, when it came time for college, I
decided, well, I didn't reallyknow where I wanted to go to
school, um, because my familywas moving.
And so I was like, well, Ican't really pick based off
where my family is.
So I kind of had a coupleoptions.
I ended up going to campbelluniversity in north carolina and
then ben over.
This time, if you've listenedto the, I think you talked about
(09:02):
this on one episode.
You were in one of the first atthis time.
If you've listened to the, Ithink you talked about this on
one episode you were in one ofthe first at this time felt the
Lord calling him into ministry,and so he had to switch schools,
and we actually already hadsome connections with a school
up in North Carolina calledSoutheastern Seminary, and it
just happened to be only onehour from Campbell University.
(09:25):
What a coincidence.
I know so we didn't necessarilypick, it was on the list, it
was very low on it, it was allthese things are really great.
Speaker 1 (09:37):
Exactly, it was only an hour.
Speaker 3 (09:38):
It was a plus, but honestly, it was really great
because we each kind of had ourown space, I mean because we'd
only been dating for a year whenwe went to college.
Speaker 1 (09:45):
So it was kind of nice If we were to break up.
It wouldn't have been yeah, itwould have been okay, yeah.
Speaker 3 (09:49):
But also it kind of helped us stay together at the
same time.
Speaker 1 (09:52):
Yeah, because we were able to go to church together.
Speaker 3 (10:01):
Yeah, so then we went to church together for for
three years.
We got married and then movedback a year ago and just had a
baby nine months ago.
Oh yeah, shout out her.
Speaker 2 (10:15):
And yeah, was that good story.
Speaker 3 (10:18):
That was great that was great, so yeah, so you guys
met here at this church and nowwe're back, which is so sweet,
yeah, and now our daughter isgonna You're at this church, and
now we're back, which is sosweet, and now our daughter is
going to grow up in this church.
Speaker 2 (10:29):
Yeah, that's crazy.
Speaker 3 (10:30):
That makes me emotional.
Speaker 1 (10:33):
Honestly, it's a weird reality.
I didn't grow up from a babyhere, but from third grade is
practically baby.
If you're a third grader outthere, you're a big boy, don't
worry about it.
Speaker 3 (10:44):
Shout out all the third graders listening.
Speaker 1 (10:45):
Shout out, uh but like just knowing that uh, she's
gonna grow up is really coolyeah she'll experience a lot of
the same things that I diddifferent time, obviously, but
yes, just running around thehalls and such that.
Speaker 2 (11:02):
That's so precious, that's so precious, so would you
say, in total, you guys datedfor two years.
Speaker 1 (11:09):
No, no, it had to be way more than that Three and a
half, three and a half.
Yeah, yeah, dated for two and ahalf Engaged for a year.
Speaker 3 (11:18):
A year and a month or so A year, and then got married
.
Speaker 1 (11:21):
Got married.
Speaker 2 (11:22):
Yeah, dated for two and a half.
Engaged for a year.
A year and then got married andthen got married Correct, so in
total that was three and a halfyears.
Speaker 1 (11:33):
Three and a half years.
Speaker 2 (11:34):
Okay, sorry I don't know how to do my math.
That's okay, but because wehave quite a few questions just
about how long some peopleshould be dating, those are what
the first few questions areabout.
So I'm just going to kind oflist all these questions that
the young adults had asked andthen we can discuss.
But one of them is why doChristian couples get married so
shortly after meeting?
(11:55):
Another question is how longshould couples date?
And the next question is whatdo you guys think the best age
to get married at is?
I know a lot of people havethoughts on that, like, oh, we
need to get married as soon aspossible.
Speaker 3 (12:09):
I mean, I don't know um those are just the questions
that that were asked I mean, Ifeel like you got to start with
the how long should couples date, because that's kind of like
the first order of business Ithink we're going to say the
same exact thing.
Speaker 1 (12:22):
Like it it's almost it's relative per couple.
Like if you're 16, dating a 16year old and you guys have high
school left and college left,then you should probably date
for longer than a year and ahalf Right?
Speaker 3 (12:39):
You should date for a while.
Speaker 1 (12:40):
But if you're 28 and you're just meeting for the
first time, 22, 22, like livingand you're just meeting for the
first time 22 22 like living,and you're actually able to get
married.
Speaker 3 (12:49):
I don't be a lot shorter I don't think there's a
specific I love I'm probablygonna shout out jp a lot on this
podcast.
There's a pastor jonathan thatI really, really love listening
to and he has just so muchwisdom on dating in today's
culture and he always says youshould date as long as you need
to, to see like if this personis going to be a good spouse and
(13:13):
is going to be your spouse andthen, once you have the answers,
yes, and you know, everythingelse is good to go get married
then
Speaker 2 (13:21):
get married, you know so, and it could be different
for each person.
Speaker 1 (13:25):
Yeah, yeah could be 13 years if you're um, if you're
really young, might as well butalso don't date that young yeah
that's not the question, butcut that out.
Speaker 2 (13:38):
So do you think there's a the perfect age to get
to get married at?
Oh, I don't know.
Yeah, I mean I'd suggest oneweek the ones we got married at,
because that's just what we didbut, I don't I think it's a
relative thing, like a persituation, I think there's a lot
, a lot of people probablyfacing pressure, feeling like
they have to get married or dosomething yeah you know so.
(13:58):
So I think that's probably whythat that question was asked.
Speaker 3 (14:01):
Yeah I'm very much against the one fits all
approach with like talking abouttopics like these, unless it's
obviously like a sin issue.
I feel like you know, it can bedifferent for so many people
and I think there's beendifferent seasons of like the
church where it's like, oh, youneed to do X Y Z or oh, you need
to do X Y Z, and it's probablyjust whatever is going to work
(14:22):
best for you, as long as you'reserving the Lord and devoted
your life to him.
Speaker 2 (14:27):
It could be different for different people.
Any thoughts on why Christiancouples get married so shortly
after meeting?
This could be asked by aChristian, or even someone who
was not a believer.
Speaker 1 (14:41):
Just being curious.
There's so many answers to thisquestion.
There's so many answers to thisquestion One.
I think, as a Christian culture, we put marriage on a pedestal,
and I think it shouldnecessarily be on a pedestal.
Speaker 2 (14:58):
Wait, should or should not?
It should be.
Speaker 1 (15:00):
It's something that God created to represent his
relationship with the church andit's a beautiful, wonderful
thing and it's talked aboutoften in church.
So when you are a Christiangrowing up around that and you
find another Christian who alsogrew up around that who most
(15:20):
likely wants to start a family,and do that as soon as possible.
You find someone that you thinkis good for that and you, you,
you get married.
Um, and do I think it's alwaysgood?
No, Do I think the Lord canstill use that?
Speaker 3 (15:41):
Yes, that's what I would say when I yeah, like what
I was kind of saying about Ifeel like right now it's very
common to see people dating fora very short amount of time and
getting married a very shortamount of time, which I don't
think is, Go to any Biblecollege and it's.
Speaker 1 (15:55):
it's all over the place.
Speaker 3 (15:56):
Yeah, I don't think it's wrong.
I just also think that ifthat's not something that you're
comfortable with and have peaceabout, then you're not in the
wrong for not getting marriedfast.
As to believing Christians whowant to get married, I think
it's okay if you.
Speaker 1 (16:13):
It's okay to not get married.
Speaker 3 (16:16):
Don't get married fast.
But I think the reason peopledo I mean, I think if you are,
if let's take a couple who is,you know, following the Lord,
does want to get married, knowsthe other person is their spouse
, they're following the Lord,then you know if you're
following all the things thatGod has said is best for you.
There's a lot of reasons towant to get married.
Speaker 1 (16:40):
So marriage is great.
Speaker 3 (16:41):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (16:41):
There's a lot of things about marriage that are
awesome.
Speaker 3 (16:43):
Yeah, yeah.
Companionship intimacy, all ofit.
Speaker 1 (16:47):
It's something to be desired.
Speaker 2 (16:48):
I'm going to ask a question to each of you.
That's not necessarily on thislist, but what would you reflect
, reflecting on yourself, eitherlike as a man or as a woman?
What would you think toyourself I need to have before I
get married?
Speaker 1 (17:04):
as a whoop.
Speaker 2 (17:05):
No, I'm kidding wait, do you mean from a?
Speaker 3 (17:07):
relationship yeah or like what would I need to know
about ben, or, more so, aboutyourself?
Speaker 2 (17:14):
so, like I, should probably, for example for a man,
be able to provide, becauseyou're talking about, like,
being out of high school.
You know, like you, if you'rein high school, you probably
would like to wait before youget married so that you are able
to provide just things likethat but then like as a woman?
What?
What would you reflect on?
What would I need to havebefore I get married?
Speaker 1 (17:33):
yeah, I mean, the being able to provide is a
massive thing.
But I also think Just ingeneral, like being able to
actually be married and live alife that is like.
I mean.
Decent is something to valuefrom both perspectives is
(17:57):
something to value from bothperspectives.
I think it biblically falls onthe man to provide, but I also
think that it's important forthe wife to provide in other
ways, maybe not specificallymonetarily, but provide care for
the home and things like that.
Speaker 3 (18:14):
I think when we're talking about getting married
young, I mean, I have a lot offriends right now who, like
their husbands, are in schooland you know the wife is helping
or completely providing.
So I don't I think there's likenuances to obviously like
long-term and there's a lot ofways, like the husband, you can
be the provider, you know, evenif maybe one of you is in school
(18:34):
and you can't necessarilymonetarily carry the family.
Speaker 2 (18:38):
That's exactly how we were.
I was still in school when wegot married.
Speaker 1 (18:43):
And the goal is to provide.
Speaker 3 (18:45):
Right, and you still did work, yeah.
Speaker 1 (18:49):
And now I am able to do that and it is a blessing and
it is something that's great.
So again, I would say it's arelative thing for that, because
I think we're called to provideas men, in our families, in our
marriages, but sometimes itdoesn't have to be exactly right
away if it's a clear path tobeing able to provide.
Speaker 2 (19:14):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (19:14):
I think a lot of it from both, especially if you are
younger.
When you get married, maybeyou're still in school, maybe
you're like just out of school.
You haven't necessarily likelived life on your own per se.
I think a lot of what reallythe only thing or one of the
only things you really like needto be able to do before getting
married is being able to choosethe other person and also just
(19:36):
being willing to put yourselfishness aside, because
there's going to be nuances inevery scenario.
There's no perfect.
This has to be done, that hasto be done.
If you continue to do thosethings while you chase after the
Lord, then no matter what,maybe you're in a season where
the wife is fully providing, orthe husband is fully providing,
(19:56):
or either are working at all forsome reason you know, both are
working.
Yeah, and that can go.
I'm I know we're sticking onthe providing thing, but that
can go for many things Like Ithink there's seasons for all of
it.
Speaker 1 (20:08):
Yeah, similar to what you just said, I would say that
, uh, looking back, I I don'tthink I did a perfect job at
this.
I know I didn't do a perfectjob at it, but being willing to
put away childish things whenyou get married, it's something
that we were told in Scriptureto do, just in general, as you
(20:28):
get older, to put away childishthings, to start specifically
talking about diving intoscripture more specifically and,
yeah, uh, deeper, but just inlife in general, I I think when
you get married, as a man, youcan still have your hobbies, you
can still have fun with yourfriends and things like that,
but your, your number onepriority becomes your wife and
(20:49):
when you're, uh, become a family, you become parents.
Your number one, your numberone priority becomes your, your
children, and your number twopriority becomes your wife and
your, your family.
Speaker 3 (20:58):
um, and I think you need to well, husband and wife
are still the number onepriority.
But you mean, like your time,and yes.
Speaker 1 (21:06):
Yes, I knew what you meant, but I just wanted to
clarify um, but yeah, just beingwilling to put yourself last um
is something that we're calledto as Christians in general.
Speaker 2 (21:19):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (21:20):
But, looking back, I needed to do a better job at
that, and I think that'ssomething that is important for
a man, for a woman going into amarriage is to be willing to let
yourself down.
Yeah, good to be willing to letyourself down.
Speaker 2 (21:36):
Yeah, good.
So as a man, you shouldprobably think to.
If you're thinking aboutgetting married, you should
probably think how can I providefor this girl that I would like
to marry?
Am I ready to make sacrificesthat are necessary for?
Speaker 3 (21:49):
her.
Speaker 1 (21:51):
Practically if that daughter, that woman, has a
great relationship with herfather, those are questions that
her dad is going to ask you.
You're going to need answers,for that's just a very practical
thing.
So if you're out there about toask someone to marry them and
you need to talk to their dad,have answers for those questions
.
Because, they'll probably beasking, amongst other things but
(22:15):
I think those are the big oneshow are you going to treat my
daughter?
How you're going to provide forher?
Speaker 2 (22:19):
yeah, and then also probably providing in a
spiritual way as well.
Speaker 1 (22:23):
Yeah, providing protecting all of those things
and then from a woman'sperspective.
Speaker 3 (22:29):
you're also probably giving some of that time up um
anything else to mention, or Imean, this could be a hot take,
but it doesn't have to be thesame for every person.
But I think, like we are called,like as women, to, you know,
take care of the home in somesort of capacity.
(22:49):
I don't think that necessarilymeans you have to only stay at
home as a wife or only stay athome as a mom, and that's all
that you can do, and you justhave to wash the dishes all day.
That's not what I'm saying, butI do think, like God has given
us a gift, like as women, tolike make things beautiful and
peaceful, and like you're goingto be the person who's
cultivating the atmosphere ofyour home, and I think that's
(23:13):
like a really big thing to tothink about.
And you can practice for that,like, if you're in college and
you have roommates, like yes,obviously it's going to be
different than when you'reliving with your husband, but
like, take care of the apartmentyou know, like and foster like
a spirit of community in yourhome for the time being.
Like I feel like that's reallyimportant.
(23:35):
Me and my girlfriends did that alot in college.
I feel like that's reallyimportant, me and my girlfriends
did that a lot in college.
I feel like that really preparedme well to have our own home
and space.
I feel like that's a good thingto think about.
Speaker 1 (23:46):
I think a big practical bubble, for it is just
to be prepared for your role,the role that you're stepping
into.
Speaker 2 (23:53):
All right, I think we're going to dig into these
next questions here.
Let's try to get these out andout, because some of them are I
don't know.
First question is how do I knowI feel like this has to be a
guy, obviously?
How do I know when to text herso that I don't appear too
attached?
Ben thoughts no, I got thoughts.
Speaker 3 (24:14):
I got thoughts.
Speaker 1 (24:16):
I'll throw in a thought real quick.
It's okay to be attached If youlike the girl and she likes you
.
Don't be ashamed of being tooattached.
Speaker 3 (24:32):
Don't be too attached .
Speaker 2 (24:34):
Don't be weird.
Don't never let her breathe.
Text her back every two attacks.
Speaker 3 (24:37):
Don't be weird.
Speaker 2 (24:38):
Don't like never let her breathe.
Yeah, but like text her backevery like two seconds.
Speaker 3 (24:42):
No, no, no, but also, don't please, oh my goodness
People people, people, people.
Let me say something we need tostop with the.
He read my message two hoursand twenty minutes ago, so I'm
gonna wait two hours and 20minutes ago, so I'm going to
wait two hours and 21 minutes torespond.
Please don't do that, gross.
Please don't do that.
(25:03):
You know what?
I'm going to throw another JPquote in there.
Speaker 2 (25:05):
All right.
Speaker 3 (25:06):
He always says clarity is kindness.
Okay, and that goes for whenyou're telling someone that you
like them and when you'retelling someone, hey, like, I
don't think this is going towork out, I don't think this is
going to work out.
I don't think that we should goon another date Either, or?
Please, just be clear.
It makes it so much easier foreverybody.
And then there you go.
Speaker 1 (25:27):
Done.
Yeah, and I mean, how do youknow when you should text her?
So you don't appear tooattached.
Hmm, I wonder whatinter-female's name is doing.
Hey, how are you?
What are you?
What are you up to like whenyou think about it, or when you
have a question?
For like it, just like, talk toher like it, don't, don't it.
(25:47):
It does not have to be a gameyes to figure out, because it
shouldn't be.
Speaker 3 (25:53):
It shouldn't be a game that, yeah, yeah, and it
also probably shouldn't be likethe only thing that we're
thinking about all day you knowI think for some people it can
be that right which you know Iwas about to say especially if
you are not like, if you are ineither or you're going to be in
a relationship or want to be ina relationship with somebody who
isn't like far away.
So I'm kind of not reallytalking about long distance
(26:14):
relationships.
But if you like, see them everyweek and everything like maybe
just don't text them all thetime and talk to them in person.
Or maybe text them and say likehey, do you and a group of
friends want to go do X, y, z?
Like I would say, really gooddating advice is to be in person
as much as possible and inperson with friends as much as
possible.
You are going to get to know somuch more about somebody when
(26:38):
you're around their friends andthem than texting them 24 7 so
good.
Speaker 2 (26:45):
Thanks, kara.
I also feel like this isanother take, but snapchat is
awful snapchat needs to gobecause it just allows you to
see I'm sure other people haveprobably said this but just
allows you to see I'm sure otherpeople have probably said this,
but it just allows you to seetoo much of people's lives.
100%, you get to see wherethey're at, where they're at.
Speaker 1 (27:04):
Where they're at.
Where they're at.
Speaker 2 (27:07):
You get to see if they've seen something that
you've sent.
You know what I mean.
You get to see, like all thesethings.
Speaker 3 (27:19):
It's too much, it's too sneaky.
Yeah, I just feel like, yeah,you know, we're not children or
little you know teeny boppersanymore, unless you are like be
an adult, you know, but be anadult like in your relationship.
Speaker 1 (27:26):
You know be mature yeah, yeah yeah all right.
Next question is dating tomarry outdated uh, in reality no
, but in culture, yes, what I'm,what I mean by.
That was deep put that on apillow pillow like a grandma
where would that?
Pillow, sit on a couch, oh,like a, like a fancy like tea
(27:47):
room, you know, like a grandma'shouse.
Okay, keep going.
Uh, but what I?
What I mean by that is I.
In reality it's not.
That is what you should bedoing in your dating life, in
your dating experience, butculture says that it is outdated
, and I think that is extremelywrong, amongst other things that
(28:09):
the culture says is wrong.
So in reality it's not, but theculture is telling you yes.
Speaker 2 (28:15):
Here on the podcast, so far we've only talked about
dating for the purpose ofmarriage.
Right, you know, because theother option, what is it dating
for the purpose of?
Speaker 1 (28:22):
dating or, yeah, date dating.
Or dating for the purpose ofdating, for not to not get.
Speaker 2 (28:28):
Let me, let me uh think for a second uh dating to
marry.
Speaker 1 (28:31):
uh.
Is good dating to not or datingto marry?
Is good Dating to not or datingto marry?
Speaker 3 (28:40):
Spit it out, benjamin , spit it out.
Speaker 2 (28:45):
He's about to drop another line.
Speaker 1 (28:47):
Another pillow, a pillow line.
When you're not dating to marry, you are dating to fulfill your
own selfish desires.
That is what I was trying tosay clearly the first time, and
what I mean by that is, ifyou're dating to marry, you are
searching for someone in yourlife that you can both pursue
(29:08):
Christ together, to uh, grow inyour own relationship but also
grow together closer to Christ.
Uh, when you are dating to notget married and you're just
dating to date, you're trying tojust find a companion of some
sort.
You are probably just wanting tohang out with somebody, spend
(29:29):
some time with somebody, and Ithink you should be dating.
Speaker 2 (29:33):
Yeah, you want all of the emotional benefits, all the
physical pleasures and benefits, not, but I will also add.
Speaker 3 (29:41):
I think sometimes as a church and like young adults,
we can put a lot of pressure atthe same time of like, I think,
especially in the past, youwould.
You're like oh, you only need todate your husband, like the
first person that you date needsto be the person that you marry
, and I would say, relax alittle, slow your roll it's okay
to date multiple people as longas you are dating each one with
(30:07):
the intention to marry and youare only breaking up because
something you know is hinderingthat, for some reason, something
happens that you don't want tonow don't hear me say go date 8
million people.
Speaker 1 (30:18):
At once.
Speaker 3 (30:19):
Definitely not at once but also probably not in
the long term either.
So that's not what I'm saying,but I am saying I feel like
there can be a lot of guilt whengirls are like, oh, I just want
the first person that I date tobe my husband, and I'm not
saying that's a bad desire, butI have seen personally in some
(30:47):
girls lives like at college, whowanted that so badly that they
put so much pressure on them andalmost felt like guilty for
breaking it off with someone whothey knew they weren't going to
marry just because they were abeliever and but it obviously
wasn't going to work out, and soI would say, just you know,
don't put that much pressure.
Yeah, don't put that muchpressure on you.
Speaker 1 (31:01):
Obviously to marry, but don't put pressure on it,
that the first joe schmoe thatyou talk to has to be exactly
yeah all right, hey.
Speaker 2 (31:12):
Next question how to find a godly man while still
letting him pursue you.
So how am I supposed to find agodly man while also being found
?
Speaker 3 (31:25):
by the godly man.
All the girls are wondering.
Speaker 2 (31:29):
That's the question.
Speaker 3 (31:31):
I mean I would say first of all, I mean, make sure
you're looking in the rightplaces for the men.
Like you know, be involved atyour church and go serve places,
like go where the godly men are.
That would be my first thing.
Make sure you're doing thosethings.
(31:51):
I think this is going to go allthe way back to Genesis, but I
feel like one of the like corethings as a result of the fall
is that men have become morepassive.
Like I would say that that was,you know, one of the first
things that Adam, you know,didn't do is like stood up for
(32:12):
what was right, and I think thatthat is definitely a cultural,
a big culture problem in thechurch too.
Um, so I I hear all the girlswondering this, Um, but I think
I mean, if they're asking, youknow, is it okay to like go up
to a guy first or like, is itokay to tell a guy you're
(32:35):
interested in them?
I do think it's okay.
I think you know, just becareful.
Like you don't want to beleading the whole relationship,
but you know, I don't think it'swrong for a girl to tell a guy
I don't think she's interestedfirst.
I don't think it's wrong for agirl to make the first move per
se, if that's the language youwant to use, but when you're, if
(33:00):
you do find yourself in arelationship from that, make
sure that he is pursuing youright in the relationship after
that.
Speaker 1 (33:03):
Yeah, you know, after that is he going to step up?
Because just a little hint intothe men's brain, where we don't
think too much we some, some,do, some think a lot.
Speaker 3 (33:20):
We some, some do, some think a lot um, but like we
may not notice anything thatgirls are potentially, uh,
trying to, oh hint, okay, I waslike where is this going?
We don't think very much, wedon't actually have any thoughts
it's just, you know the oldping pong game.
Okay, it's just that, yeah butlike you miss some hints yeah
we'll, we'll miss something.
Speaker 1 (33:38):
So if you, you're a girl and you like a guy, and he
loves the lord and you love thelord, say, hey, I like you, you
love the lord.
Speaker 3 (33:50):
Oh, let's go get some milkshakes or something I don't
know, but it's okay, yeah, yeahbut also men, if you're
listening, step up and be a man.
You know if you're, if you're aman or something, I don't know,
but it's okay.
Yeah, but also men, if you'relistening, step up and be a man.
Speaker 1 (34:01):
If you're a man, pursue somebody.
Yeah, pursue somebody.
Speaker 3 (34:05):
Yeah, I don't know.
Do you have any thoughts onthat, kara?
I feel like that can be kind ofnuanced too.
Speaker 2 (34:11):
I feel like when I first came to this church five
years ago remember I was afreshman at USF and I was like
where are the boys.
Is there someone I can date here?
And there was Next church and Iremember thinking to myself
there's so many women that Iwould love to learn from.
But I really genuinely did lookaround and I didn't feel like
(34:34):
there was someone suitable forme.
Sure, and then I met my husbandthrough campus ministry Very
cool round and I didn't feellike there was someone suitable
for me, sure, um, uh.
And then I met my husbandthrough campus ministry.
Very cool, um, but yeah, shoutout, jaden.
But now, five years later, Ifeel like this church has just
grown so much and I, yeah, in somany different ways.
And I remember in the beginning, um, like when I was 18, 19,
(34:58):
even 20, I was just like prayingthat the Lord would bring some
more like young adults not forthe purpose of me to date, but
just in general, but that was aside purpose.
I'm just kidding, but also justin general for leadership
purposes community because, youknow, I'm like man.
There's so many women that Iwould love to learn from.
Speaker 1 (35:16):
And.
Speaker 2 (35:16):
I want you know what I mean.
I'm like I don't know.
I was just like wanting thereto be more men in the young
adult sphere as well.
Um, and I look now and I justsee that the Lord has been so
faithful in our leadership, um,in our young adult group, um,
and then also, when I just lookinto the crowd on a Sunday
(35:37):
morning, I see so many more menthan I did before.
So I just think that the Lordhas answered that prayer and for
a girl who's thinking toherself like I just want God to
pursue me.
I think that what you're sayingabout serving and being in the
right places is very true, but Ialso think that if you're
getting out of your comfort zonefor the purpose of spreading
(35:57):
the gospel, if you're being kindto people, older ladies in the
church notice that they mightset you up.
Speaker 1 (36:05):
I don't know, true, true, but other people, older
ladies, got nephews, yeah, butolder.
Speaker 2 (36:11):
I don't know people will notice that.
Everyone in the church willnotice if you're taking chances
to share your faith.
If you're taking chances toshare your faith, if you're
taking chances to be inviting,if you're getting out of your
comfort zone for other reasonsthat are not in relation to
dating right um keep chasingafter the lord.
Speaker 3 (36:26):
Yeah, yeah, yeah, and you will allow opportunities.
Speaker 1 (36:29):
Yeah, yeah even in a healthy, strong church being on
fire for the lord stands out itdoes it really does true, does
True which is it's.
It's a sad reality, but it istrue.
Like being on fire in the Lordfor the Lord stands out in the,
in the real world and in life,at work, at school, but being on
fire for the Lord also standsout for at church, yeah.
So if you do that, some someonewill notice.
Speaker 2 (36:52):
Yeah, don't, don't, don't, don't do it for show,
don't do it for not.
Speaker 1 (36:55):
Don't be on fire for the Lord to meet a dude.
Yeah, be on fire for Lordbecause you love the Lord and
meet a dude who's also on firefor the Lord, and then become
one fire together.
Speaker 2 (37:07):
What All?
Speaker 1 (37:10):
right Next question.
Speaker 2 (37:11):
But yeah, so that backs a lot of what you guys
were already talking about.
But so this next person wantsto know, um, just about how to
choose the right person, and soyou know, like, how are we
supposed to choose the rightperson?
How?
Speaker 3 (37:28):
do you know?
It's the one it's the one I'msaying how do you know, oh yeah,
how do you know, oh yeah, howdo you know how to know who to
choose.
Speaker 2 (37:37):
Yeah, how do I know who to choose?
Even for today?
Yeah, just to date to marry.
Um, what were things that youguys even noticed about one
another that made you think Iwant to marry this girl, I want
to marry this guy?
Speaker 3 (37:49):
Um, I think I mean number one.
Like you obviously want to findsomeone who is on fire for the
Lord.
I also think that, again, goingback to the friendship thing, I
think that's a really, reallytelling way.
If somebody is a good person todate and to marry also, I think
(38:13):
that it's you just see a lotmore of someone's integrity and
even beyond that, you just canlearn a lot more about somebody
and just what they think aboutall kinds of things in life,
Like even like spiritual things,just practical, day-to-day
things.
Like when we were in college,my friend group that Ben was
(38:39):
also a part of, when he wouldcome visit we would have all
kinds of like conversationsabout things, and just ask each
other like, oh, what do youthink about this?
and bouncing off of each other,we were kind of able to see like
, oh, I've never thought of that.
Oh, I've never thought of that.
Oh, this is what I think like,and I think you can just really
really get to know someone.
So I think as a friend, yes, asa friend and then also, you
know, okay, am I going to meshwell with this person like based
on our beliefs and based onwhat we think about.
(39:00):
You know other things, like howdo they treat other people.
You know, because it's not justhow they treat you yeah because
it's a lot easier to treatsomeone nicely when it's just
you two and you're on a date ata fancy restaurant, and of
course they're going to be, andshe too also wants to give you a
kiss.
Speaker 1 (39:14):
It's really easy to be nice to that person, whoa.
Speaker 3 (39:22):
And.
But you know, when you see thatperson around their friends and
one of them makes a rude joke,how does that guy respond, you
know, like is he going to standup for what's right, or is he
going to laugh and make anotherjoke, you know, or just not say
anything like that.
That is when you can really youknow, see character.
Speaker 1 (39:36):
Yeah, see character.
You can see, you can really seecharacter in somebody when
you're around them andsituations that they're
comfortable, yeah, um, whenthey're comfortable, what?
How do they act Right?
Yeah, yeah, I've, I've datedbefore and then thought to
myself man, I could have reallylearned everything that I needed
(39:59):
to know about you just by beingyour friend, right?
Why did I need to do this?
You know that's a really goodpoint.
Yes, so I mean we're.
If you're friends with people,that's great.
Congratulations that you'refriends.
Speaker 3 (40:06):
Um, don't immediately start looking at your friend
group for your next nextboyfriend or girlfriend but if
you have a friend group thatloves the lord, maybe look
around your friend group and seeif anyone can be a spouse or
find someone that you can becomea friend with too well yeah, I
think a lot of people like arelike oh, these are all my
(40:26):
friends, you know, but have youever thought about your friends?
Like that spoiler alert if theylove the lord you want to have
fun with your spouse.
Speaker 1 (40:36):
So if you're friends before you start dating Right,
you'll know each other more,you'll have things to talk about
more and yeah.
Speaker 2 (40:44):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (40:45):
Be friends.
Speaker 2 (40:45):
Nice.
Speaker 3 (40:47):
Be friends.
And then, as far as you wereasking, like, how do we know,
like, about marrying?
the right person to marry.
I think obviously the basicsthat we've already talked about
a lot, I mean their characterand if they love the Lord, you
know, are they a part of achurch, et cetera, et cetera.
But beyond that, likepractically, I think it's just
you know, what are you guyswanting in life?
(41:09):
What are your family plans?
I say that with quotationsbecause obviously you know you
can only plan so much.
But you know you can only planso much, but you know, if one
person wants to be a missionaryoverseas and the other person
doesn't, I don't know if that'sa bad thing to say but you know,
I mean, it doesn't have thatcalling on their life Like you
(41:30):
know,maybe evaluate, see if you're,
you know, a good team.
Um, so I don't know.
Know, I just feel likepractically, like does it make
sense, you know?
And then also are people likecheering you on.
You know, like, if you havebest guy friends, best
girlfriends, and ask them likeyeah, hey, like I'm like really
serious about this guy, likewhat do you think about him?
(41:52):
Like I'm giving and but if yousay this, you have to be ready
to hear what they genuinely youknow, know, think and see and
notice.
But ask them like I'm giving youpermission to like call me out
or give me your real, you knowopinions of this guy, like I'm
thinking about marrying him.
And then if you really trustyour friend, like trust your
friend, you know multiple,obviously, you know seek counsel
(42:15):
.
What about, like, what do yourparents think, think, if you
have a good relationship withyour parents or his parents,
what do they think about it?
Like, are they cheering you on,saying like you know, we're so
excited, we want to have you inthe family, whatever, or is
there, you know, a lot ofcaution being thrown out?
you know, I feel like trust,like there's so many verses in
proverbs about like in the bun,in the abundance of counselors
(42:36):
there's safety, and I love thatverse and there's a bunch like
it, because it's just soimportant, I think, to bring
other people into yourrelationship again, obviously
people who love the lord, whoyou like opinions, you trust,
but you know, do that and thentrust them good or bad.
Speaker 2 (42:52):
Yeah, I love that.
I love that, all right.
I'm interested in someone who'scurious about Christianity but
is not a Christian currently.
They've come to church beforeand have a hunger for something
more, but haven't found the Lord.
What should I do about thesefeelings?
Speaker 3 (43:07):
We don't do that.
We don't do that.
Don't mess around with that.
Be friends with them.
Speaker 1 (43:12):
Talk to them about the Lord, help them with their
curiosity about Christianity.
Speaker 3 (43:18):
They have feelings for this person though I would
say point them to people who canhelp them, who are maybe like
the same gender, to help removetemptation and, emotional,
obviously, still be their friend, like you're saying, ben.
But yeah, maybe point them tosomeone else for like spiritual
(43:42):
conversations and then don't bemessing around, like don't hang
out alone with them and don'tBring them to your friends.
Speaker 1 (43:48):
Yeah, yes, yes.
Speaker 3 (43:49):
Have them a part of your friend group.
I'm not saying like shun themor anything, but don't allow
emotional connection like thatromantically, when someone's not
a believer.
Just don't do it.
Speaker 1 (44:03):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (44:03):
Don't do it.
It's clear that that's not theLord's best for you.
Like there will be.
You think that that's like thebest person for you, and it's
just not true, because the Lordhas the best things in mind for
you.
Speaker 1 (44:14):
And that's not it.
I'm pretty sure he got it fromsomewhere, but Trent says this
all the time Like the we as aculture, I think, just doesn't
understand that the things thatJesus and God say in scripture
are actually pretty good for us.
Like they actually are, likeit's it's probably the it's
(44:36):
definitely the best thing for us.
And Like they actually are Likeit's probably the it's
definitely the best thing for us.
And we, even as Christians, welive our lives almost different
from that.
What do they know?
It's like Everything.
Speaker 3 (44:49):
Yeah, god loves you and wants the best for you and
wants you to be with someone whoalso loves him, because you are
going to run into so many otherproblems later in life yeah,
nice, very, very good.
Speaker 2 (45:06):
I'm sorry, now I'm being a little strange with that
.
I feel like I have, uh, I'veknown people who you know have
tried to to date someone who'snot a believer and it usually
ends in heartbreak or I don'tknow if that person ends up
coming to the Lord like becauseof that person.
Speaker 3 (45:26):
Right which like praise God for that yeah.
But, that doesn't make it rightRight.
Speaker 2 (45:29):
Or they will try their best to be something else.
Speaker 3 (45:33):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (45:33):
Or the person who actually is a believer and you
don't try their best, but theirheart is not in it, and so it
just seems to be that there'sjust heartbreak to be found when
you follow that path.
Speaker 1 (45:44):
Because I mean just naturally, someone who is not a
believer has different moralsthan someone who is a believer.
They could be literally thebest human being alive and still
have different morals anddifferent things.
That just does not align withScripture.
That will affect yourrelationship yeah, okay, all
right.
Speaker 2 (46:01):
So during the q a there was a question um what
does god define as marriage.
Would would you like to answerthat for us really quick?
Just a brief synopsis what doeshe define as marriage?
Speaker 1 (46:13):
the top of my head, I'd say that the coming together
of two individuals, one male,one female, to become one
representing his relationshipwith his church.
Speaker 2 (46:27):
Nice T'le.
Speaker 3 (46:28):
T'le.
Speaker 2 (46:31):
And then this person had a question based off of that
, where they just want to knowif engagement is considered to
be this type of union.
What if people, because theysay, does the Bible specify
whether the union happens onceit's made legal?
When a man and woman make thechoice to be committed to each
other, is engagement consideredthis type of union?
Considered marriage?
Speaker 3 (46:52):
I think, if it's a, it's a, if it's a Christian
wedding ceremony between twobelievers, that it is seen when
the officiant, who is hopefullyalso a believer, says like you
are now pronounced husband andwife because I feel like they
are exercising their like.
I don't know if this is theright term, but maybe God-given
(47:13):
authority to marry two peopleand I would say it's at that
moment that you become husbandand wife when they say yeah, you
become husband and wife.
You become husband and wife thethe legal aspects of it are, you
know, part of that in ourculture and I think that also
matters yeah to you know, signthe papers and do the things and
all of that, but but for theyeah for the engagement question
(47:35):
.
Yes, engagement question datingengagement when you feel in
your heart that you are united.
And yeah, someone jokes aroundand blah, blah, blah.
Speaker 1 (47:45):
No, yeah, because it's a serious commitment, it's
a covenant you're making withanother individual yeah, right,
engagement is a commitment to acommitment.
Speaker 2 (47:52):
Yeah to a future commitment yeah um, we have a
question specifically for andthat will be the last question
Whoa how do you live out theGenesis 224 command to leave and
cleave while still living closeand working in the same place
as your parent, or as yourfather?
I guess Mom does not work hereat this church.
Speaker 1 (48:12):
Maybe no, I'm kidding , that's not going to happen.
Maybe no, I'm kidding, that'snot going to happen.
I would say, first of all, wewere married for over a year,
year and a half, before we moveddown here.
So, I had already been able toleave and cleave and to live our
own life, to make our owndecisions and things like that.
(48:34):
But practically not even justspecifically for me, but just in
general whether you live nearyour parents or far away from
your parents it's about makingyour new family that you just
created with your new wife yourpriority.
You can still love your parents, still love your mom, talk to
your mom, talk to your dad, lovethem, but ultimately, you need
(48:58):
to be aware that your decisionshave to put your family first.
Not that your parents are nolonger your family, but your
main responsibility is now yourwife.
It's not to make sure yourmom's happy or your dad's happy.
Speaker 3 (49:11):
Yes, you want those things, but how do you
practically live that out?
Speaker 1 (49:17):
So practically I spend more time with my wife
than I do with my parents.
Uh, I would say that whenthere's something that needs to
be, uh, decided upon and my, myparents so lovingly provide
advice, uh, I still take up onthat decision with Maddie and I
(49:37):
don't make a decision justbecause my mommy or daddy said
oh, this is probably a goodoption um yeah, so yeah, just
yeah, making sure you I putmaddie, and now our daughter,
first before them.
Not that I don't love my parents, shout out my parents and like
we, want to get counsel from ourparents, yeah we have both of
(49:57):
us have great, yes, greatparents.
Speaker 3 (49:59):
So, like ben was saying, like we still listen and
ask for advice, but it's alwayslike, okay, like this is what
you know.
Oh, we have to make thisdecision.
This is do we want to ask fortheir?
Speaker 1 (50:09):
advice on this.
Speaker 3 (50:10):
Yes, okay, let's ask for their advice.
Okay, let's come back togetherwithout them and talk to each
other about it.
After, what do we feel about it?
You know, what do you thinkabout what they said?
And then making the decision, Ifeel like that's really the
only, that's like the main place, I feel like where this comes
into play, because I mean, yeah,there's not a lot of ways that
are.
I mean, it may seem like ourlives are very, very intertwined
because ben works with his dad,but it's work.
(50:33):
It's working.
That's not like family, liketime.
Speaker 2 (50:38):
Yeah, do you know what I'm saying?
Speaker 3 (50:39):
So it's kind of like a different like.
Speaker 1 (50:42):
And we're both blessed with parents that are
very supportive of us, verysupportive.
And supportive in general, andwant what's best for us and
understand what leavingCleveland actually is Right,
they don't.
Speaker 3 (50:54):
They don't try to.
Speaker 1 (50:55):
They don't do anything like that actually is.
They don't step on our toes ordo anything like that, so we're
blessed with that.
But if you are in a marriage,that that is not the case.
It's about supporting your wife, supporting your husband.
Speaker 3 (51:07):
And it's imperative that you put up boundaries with
your parents, even in love andkindly.
But you know, sometimes thatneeds to be done and say this is
something I'm not going to talkwith you.
Speaker 1 (51:22):
You about this is something I need to talk with my
wife and my husband or like he,you will not talk to her like
that, like that, this being ableto defend your, your family,
yeah, very nice.
Speaker 2 (51:29):
So that is all the questions for our young adults,
all the ones that were left overfrom our relationship q a.
We're so so grateful that youguys were able to come and share
your wisdom.
Speaker 1 (51:40):
Yeah, it was a little bit a longer episode.
I know it definitely was.
I hope it was helpful to youall, I think it'll be good.
Speaker 2 (51:47):
Yeah, I think it's very good.
So thank you guys again forcoming on Unsexy Joy Podcast.
Thank you See y'all.
Bye.
Popular Podcasts
Crime Junkie
Does hearing about a true crime case always leave you scouring the internet for the truth behind the story? Dive into your next mystery with Crime Junkie. Every Monday, join your host Ashley Flowers as she unravels all the details of infamous and underreported true crime cases with her best friend Brit Prawat. From cold cases to missing persons and heroes in our community who seek justice, Crime Junkie is your destination for theories and stories you won’t hear anywhere else. Whether you're a seasoned true crime enthusiast or new to the genre, you'll find yourself on the edge of your seat awaiting a new episode every Monday. If you can never get enough true crime... Congratulations, you’ve found your people. Follow to join a community of Crime Junkies! Crime Junkie is presented by audiochuck Media Company.
24/7 News: The Latest
The latest news in 4 minutes updated every hour, every day.
Stuff You Should Know
If you've ever wanted to know about champagne, satanism, the Stonewall Uprising, chaos theory, LSD, El Nino, true crime and Rosa Parks, then look no further. Josh and Chuck have you covered.