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July 15, 2025 30 mins

This episode of the Unstoppable Leadership Spotlight podcast features Jay Moon Fields, a distinguished somatic coach and author, who imparts profound insights into the intricacies of emotional regulation and authentic communication within both personal and professional realms. Central to our discourse is the notion that many high-achieving individuals, despite their professional success, grapple with challenges in forming genuine connections, often resorting to strategic personas that impede their authenticity. Jay elucidates her transformative journey, which involved a deep exploration of self-identity and the impact of trauma on relational dynamics. She emphasizes the crucial importance of cultivating a harmonious relationship with oneself as a precursor to fostering meaningful connections with others. By integrating her unique framework, particularly the concept of "hey, wait," Jay provides practical tools designed to empower individuals to assert their needs and reclaim their relational agency, thereby enhancing both personal fulfillment and professional efficacy.

The dialogue between Jaclyn Strominger and Jay Moon Fields elucidates the intricate dynamics that underpin personal and professional relationships. Jay Moon Fields, a somatic coach and seasoned educator, shares her journey of self-discovery, which began after a tumultuous marriage that compelled her to confront her inadequacies in relational contexts. Her narrative reveals a struggle between professional success and personal fulfillment, illustrating how her achievements in the workplace did not seamlessly translate to intimate connections. Jay emphasizes the importance of understanding one's nervous system and the strategic selves that individuals adopt, often as a means of self-preservation. She postulates that many high-achieving individuals, particularly women, find themselves adept in professional settings yet flounder in personal relationships, as the strategies that facilitate workplace success can hinder authentic connection. This episode invites listeners to explore the concept of relational authenticity, encouraging a shift from strategic behavior to genuine interaction. Jay’s insights into emotional regulation and boundary-setting provide a framework for individuals seeking to harmonize their professional personas with their authentic selves, thereby enriching their relational experiences.

Takeaways:

  • Jay Moon Fields emphasizes the importance of emotional regulation and authentic communication in personal and professional relationships, highlighting how these skills contribute to overall success.
  • The discussion reveals that many high-achieving individuals struggle with relational dynamics, often performing well in their careers while feeling unfulfilled in personal connections.
  • Integration of different parts of oneself is essential for achieving a holistic sense of identity, particularly in reconciling professional personas with personal authenticity.
  • Jay advocates for the use of the phrase 'hey, wait' as a powerful tool to reclaim one's voice and foster better communication in relationships, encouraging individuals to assert their needs.

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(00:59):
Well, hello everybody andwelcome to another amazing episode
of the Unstoppable LeadershipSpotlight podcast where we hear from
amazing leaders and their gamechanging insights. And today I have
the absolute pleasure ofintroducing to you Jay Moon Fields.
Let me tell you a little bitabout her. She is a somatic coach,
an experiential educator,author, and a podcast host with 20
years of experience helpinghigh achieving individuals develop

(01:23):
emotional regulation, setboundaries and communicate authentically
in their purpose, personal andprofessional relationships. She has
a lot of experience and Ican't wait to have this conversation.
So welcome to the podcast, Jay.
Thank you so much, Jacqueline.Good to be here.
All right, so I am so curiousabout this because we were talking

(01:46):
beforehand, you know, aboutrelationships and you know, the intelligence,
you know, men, women, butspecifically a lot of women, and
how, how we feel aboutrelationships really can dictate,
you know, our behaviors andhow we interact with other people.

(02:07):
And so I'm really curious asto what got you, first of all, started
down this path.
Good question. I felt we weregoing in this way, like, what about
the work? And then it waslike, switch. How did you get here?
That is, that is, I do want.
To know how it relates towork, but usually Tyler comes back
to like, how'd you get here?

(02:27):
For sure. So I, you know, wewere talking about growing up on
the east coast, going, goingto the good schools, all of that.
So I'm a, I'm an east coastgirl. I was a good student, I was
a good girl, I was acompetitive gymnast. I went to the
good school, all that, right.And then I got, I got married when
I was 21, which was not what Iwas expecting for myself at all.

(02:51):
I, I was a tomboy, I was anindependent person. I thought for
sure I'm going to, if I everget married, I'm going to get married
when in my 30s. But here Iwas, I got married when I was 21,
didn't know how to actually betrue to myself while being close
to another person. And themarriage ended in two years. It was

(03:11):
a disaster. And I stepped awayfrom that, asking myself the question,
how is it that I could havejust royally effed that up as big
as I did because I thought,I'm smart. I was a yoga teacher at
the time. I was four yearsinto my practice of meditation and
yoga. I was like, I knowmyself, I'm self aware, I'm emotionally

(03:35):
intelligent, and I don't knowhow to be in a relationship. So that's
really what started all ofthis in the sense of I then spent
the next 15 years or so reallyscrewing up still in my romantic
relationships, I mean, forsure, but also studying. Like, how

(03:58):
does, how does this happenthat I. That I don't know how to
do this? Because I was reallyprofessionally successful, but within
my professional, professionalsuccess, a lot of my relationships
felt really exhausting orlopsided or hard to manage. You know,
like, the only parts of mylife that didn't feel successful

(04:21):
were anything that had to dowith me being around other people.
And I'm like, I'm good with, Ican talk to anybody. But the problem
was I didn't know how to be,like, solid inside myself around
other people. I could perform,I could. People, please. I could
be whoever you needed me tobe, but that didn't necessarily mean

(04:43):
I was having a good experienceof myself.
So you didn't know how to be you?
Exactly. Yeah. Or I felt likeI could be me, but I was going to
be alone the rest of my lifebecause I did most of my, most of
my 20s, and even in my early30s, I lived off the grid. I live
by myself. I like, I was verymuch. If I'm gonna have a good experience

(05:05):
of me, it's because I'm alone.
Ah, so that being alone. Doyou feel like part of that just helped
you create a, you know, createthat boundary because you didn't
want to get hurt too?
Yes. Yeah. I mean, it waslike, I'm in a bubble. And in this

(05:28):
bubble, not only can I not gethurt, I also won't hurt anybody.
Because that was the story ofmy marriage and subsequent divorce
is I hurt him very, very much.And it was, it was, it was devastating,
you know, and I just kind offelt like I can't be trusted.

(05:53):
So, so what helped you? Youknow, what helped you? You know,
you said learning. So what wasthe thing that brought you to become
now the, the person that youcan trust yourself?
A lot of different pieces. Thefirst piece was having a better relationship

(06:15):
with myself, which is why Ihad to kind of go be alone in all
these different ways is I hadto go figure out who I was. And I
didn't have a way to do thatwhen I was around other people. You
know, like, as a grown upperson to figure out what are my
preferences, what do I like,what, you know, to really have a
sense of what my insides were.The other pieces that really helped

(06:37):
were understanding. Excuse me,we're going, going to therapy for
one kind of understanding.What, what were the developmental.
What was, what did I gettrained to do? Relationally because
of my development and withinthat also understanding the role
of trauma and how the nervoussystem organizes itself around safety,

(07:04):
belonging and mattering. Sothat was that piece where that understanding
the nervous system was whatallowed me to see why I know better.
I'm smart, I am self aware. I,I have, I've read the books, I've
done the therapy and I'm stillbehaving in these ways in my relationships
because my nervous system hasthis default to. This is what you

(07:28):
do to stay safe.
So, so there's like a triggerthat happens, right. That helps you
stay safe, Right?
Yeah, it's like that ineveryday normal dynamics. As a person

(07:51):
who I would consider myself ahighly sensitive person, I'm an empath.
I'm reading other people toget who are they, what do they need
for me to feel comfortable.Right. So the, the triggers aren't
necessarily like negativethings. They are the, the what I'm
reading in the environment.And then how does that then turn

(08:14):
on in me some sort of defaultstrategy to make it all better? If,
if that makes sense. Like makeit copacetic, make it so that you're
gonna like me, make it so thatI don't get hurt. All of those pieces
that it's, it's these default,I call them strategic selves. Where

(08:36):
early on when we're growingup, we learn how to behave in order
to be accepted and you know,to go back to the joke we were making
around being from Boston andbeing from the east coast, I'm from
outside of D.C. you know, likeone of the, one of the strategic
selves I have, I call hertough girl and she's sarcastic as

(08:57):
hell. Right. Like my familytrafficked in sarcasm. Like that's
how we, that's how we sharedemotion. Right. So I have a part
of me that's incrediblysarcastic. It's going to be quick,
it's going to have all theright answers. And that part of me
might help me be great at my,in a professional setting, but it's

(09:18):
not going to help me in datingbecause I, nobody can get close to
that. You know, that's hard.That's got a wall up. But it is one
of my default strategies totry and feel like I can relate to
someone.
Right. So this is like, thisis fascinating to me because I'm,

(09:42):
I'm thinking about all of thisand I'm also thinking there's so
much about what you aretalking about and how it does relate
back into the workforce andhow people relate and the triggers
or the things that they do torelate better. And maybe they're
not actually being theirauthentic self.
Yes. And. And as you saidthat, the thing that I would say

(10:04):
is most people take on jobsthat allow them to be their strategic
self at its best. Like, I wasjust joking with you beforehand about
how my. My assistant callsherself on demand Jen. Right. Like
her. One of her strategicselves is, I'm gonna be there for
you no matter what. I'm gonnawork six times harder than anyone

(10:26):
else. I'm gonna be up tillmidnight. That sort of. That's a
strategic. She developed inher family of origin to get love
and to get acceptance. And itworks for her at work. Right. The
people therapists who areempaths and people pleasers as their
strategic self. That works foryou as a therapist. The problem is

(10:51):
two things. One, that strategywill often learn to lead to burnout
in your job because it's. It'simbalanced to begin with. It's not
a whole part. It's not a wholeyou. It's a part of you. And then
the second thing that is thechallenge about being great at being

(11:11):
your strategic self at work isthat it doesn't translate to personal
relationships. You can say toyourself, but I'm, you know, I'm
so accomplished, I'm sosuccessful. I often talk about the.
The jokingly. The clients Iwork with are professionally success
and relationally a messbecause the. The strategies that
they use to be really good attheir work don't translate to intimacy,

(11:35):
to friendship, to connection.
And so. So how do you helpsomebody who is in that role at work
and is that successful? Like,what are. And I'll. I'll use, you
know, what are the two stepsthat you have them to go through?

(11:55):
Two stuff.
I know.
I'm like, how many. The. Oneof the first major things is for
someone to recognize that thatis a part of them, because much of
the time, if you identify asbeing that overachiever, that that's
just who I am, you then can'tdis connect yourself from the behavior

(12:20):
until you can see, oh, that'sa part of me. And to be able to then
feel what it feels like whenyou feel like you're being Jacqueline,
when you feel like you'rebeing Jay, you know, when you. When
you just. You're comfortable,you're around friends or you're by
yourself, and when you can getthe sense that, like, oh, I know

(12:44):
that who I am when I'm at mymost home in myself is not the achiever,
is not the tough girl is notthe people pleaser. Whatever it is,
that's the first step. Andthen, gosh, the second step. I'm
trying to see how I wouldsimplify it because there's so many

(13:08):
different pieces to this. Thesecond step revolves around changing
your mentality to believe thatyou will actually get related to.
And the reason I say it thatway is because any of the strategies
we have aren't relationships.They're not relating. They're strategizing.

(13:33):
There's something about itthat's. And it doesn't mean that
it's inherently bad. It'sjust. It's maybe manipulative. It's.
It's, you know, it's mental.You're trying to figure out how you
get something. But if a personreally believes that they get to
be related to.

(13:54):
Like.
A lot of the strategies, a lotof the defenses drop. Now unpacking,
what does that mean that youget to be related to. That's a. There's
complexity to that, butthat's. The step is like, this strategy
isn't who you are, and youactually do get to be related to

(14:16):
you, not whoever yourstrategic part is. You get to have
someone relate to you. And Ifind that when I bring that up with
a new client, there's thissense of like, really, you know,
kind of leaning inhopefulness. But then I can also

(14:38):
see the part of them thatdoesn't believe it yet because they've
never felt it.
Right. It's so fun. You know,as you're talking, some of the things
that are. That are. That I'mthinking about is, you know, the
successful people, thesuccessful woman or the person who's,
you know, and I, I'll saywomen more than men too. Is that
because you hear. I think alot more that you'll. You'll hear

(14:59):
someone say, oh, my God, she'ssuper successful. And successful
women have a hard time findingbeing in a relationship because men
don't want to relate tosomebody because they're so successful
they feel threatened by that.In actuality, there's a lot of stuff
that's. I think we can unpacka lot of that. And I think a lot

(15:21):
of that mentality is also whatyou then could help people fix. Like
if somebody's come, you know,is thinking, oh, I can't have a relationship
because I'm. I'm not really,you know, men don't want somebody
like me because I am supersuccessful, or I'm. I'm a strong.

(15:42):
You hear that a lot. I'm Astrong woman. I have a hard time
relating to certain men.That's a, I mean, it's total.
But to what you're saying,it's a continuation of the thing
that might actually be moreunconscious, which is they just don't
expect to be related to. Sothis is the red herring. They get
to say I'm not being relatedto because I'm a strong woman. I'm

(16:05):
not being related to becauseI'm successful. But really, if you
go all the way back, there'sthis inherent shame around, like
I want more connection andthere must be something wrong with
me for wanting it because I'mnot getting it.
And that's a whole. I mean, tome, that right there is a huge issue.

(16:27):
And I think that's somethingin the workforce that is, that has
weirdly changed in the wrongway. And I'll, and I'll say, and
I'll give the example, youknow, it used to be okay in some
ways that we, we thrive and,and need all of us humans, we're

(16:48):
humans, human connection. Andso in the workforce in particular,
so many times more recently, Idon't, you know, statistically speaking,
it cannot give you the exactlike year, month, whatever that we
really saw this change. Butthere's a deeper connection that
stopped happening. And youknow, yes, we, you know, people,

(17:08):
you know, maybe it's becausepeople are taking out their phones
and they're texting or they'renot having the deeper conversations
and they're not using, they'renot articulating or they've lost
the power of using voice orthey don't know how to have those
conversations. But there's a,there has been an overarching shift
in, in the, in a reduction ofhuman connection which then causes

(17:34):
a myriad of, you know.
Right. And we, and there's asense of being siloed.
Yeah. And it was interesting.And I'll share this as an example,
not exactly the same thing,but I was on an airplane recently
and I was, I'll see the womanon the other aisle seat. We were

(17:56):
chit chatting and came like,you know, airplane friends. And the
flight attendant walked by andI happened to notice when she was
giving out snacks that therewas, she gave out a certain, oh,
you've got these pretzels. CanI have those pretzels instead of
the graham crackers orwhatever the hell it was. And my
new friend for the plane waslike, oh, I didn't know those. And

(18:19):
so she turned around and justgently tapped the flight attendant.
What ensued after was justCraziness. Flight attendant turned
around, yells at this womanfor touching her. And my part of
saying this is because we'vegotten to a point where just a tap,

(18:41):
like, that's a humanconnection and a nice gesture to
say to somebody. Right. It'snot out of. Not done mean malice
or anything, but, you know,that human connection needs to happen,
and we need it in theworkforce. We need it with people.

(19:03):
Yeah. I mean, that story thatyou just shared to me highlights
the role of the nervoussystem. Right. Like, I'm thinking
about airplane travel rightnow and how tense it is and how much
since the pandemic, flightattendants have been attacked and
have had really, really scary,inappropriate exchanges with someone.

(19:28):
And I can understand how thatflight attendant would have had that
reaction to being tapped,because in that world now, that is.
Who knows how safe that is.Right? Or even if it is a gentle,
friendly, hey, I want somepretzels. The flight attendant's
nervous system doesn'tnecessarily know that, and it immediately

(19:49):
goes into fight. And so, yes.I mean, yes to that. The. Not just
in the airline industry, butin all industries. I think the. What
you're speaking to is thatthere is. There is a heightenedness
to our sense of being unsafeor being disconnected, and then that

(20:12):
only perpetuates it more.
Right, right. Yeah. And it's.And so, you know, when we were sitting
here talking about this, andit's like. And it's like all of a
sudden what. What I'm thinkingabout is that person who, in whatever
field they're in, and they'reacting in that strategic self because
they're that Persona in. Atwork. But maybe they don't want that

(20:34):
be that Persona at home. Andhow do we bring those two together
so that the values that theyhave as a. As a human, as a person
can be in both places.
It's what your. Your fingers,as you interlace them, what you're.
What you're alluding to, thereis integration. Right. That. That

(20:58):
Persona you have at work isn'tsomething that you need to get rid
of when you come home. It'ssomething that needs to be integrated.
And this is a part of what Ido with people who I work with. And
if you've. You're familiarwith parts work or internal family
systems, that whole idea isthat we all of us have different

(21:19):
parts within ourselves. Wehave these strategic parts. We have
the little. The little kids orthe wounded child in us, and that
the goal is never to try andget rid of that, because you can't.
The goal is to be able to havethem be integrated. So that what
that means is that, you know,what it feels like to show up as

(21:41):
your true self, your essentialself. Jacqueline. Right. Jay. My
grown out 45 year old self,who also includes my 7 year old self,
my 21 year old self, and thegood girl and the tough girl girl
and all of that. But thatintegration means that I am not led
by any of those parts of me,that I am led by my wholeness.

(22:10):
Yeah. So, so tell me, Jay,like, so, you know, we were talking
a little bit about, you know,your, you know, describe a little
bit about your framework, thehayweight framework, and, and how
it relates and how you bringthat into your practice of, of coaching
people.

(22:31):
So I was trying to think ofwhat is the two word. You know, we're
talking about the magic oftwo, two steps, two words that really
gets at the heart of what I'mteaching. And the heart of what I'm
teaching is to step back andkind of go back to what we were just
talking about.
You're.
There's nothing wrong with youfor wanting to be related to. There's

(22:52):
nothing wrong with you forfeeling unfulfilled in your relationships
and wanting more from them.And part of what needs to happen
is you need to start acting asif that's true. And so, hey, wait,
are the two words that you useto shift the dynamic in any relationship
where you feel like you're notbeing considered, where you feel

(23:15):
like you're not being relatedto. So, you know, it might be you're
having a conversation with afriend and you were trying to share
something and then they juststeamrolled you and took it over
and now they're talking aboutthem and you say, hey, wait. I actually
would love to be able to goback and finish that story and have
your input. Right. Hey, wait,what? It's, it's the, it's the healthier

(23:40):
version of what about me?
Right, right, right.
You're in a work meeting andhey, wait. I actually have a question
about that. Can we pause forme to ask that? Yeah, you know, hey,
wait, I don't see that thesame way that you do. Can we talk
about this? Because when youdon't expect to be related to, you

(24:01):
let yourself get steamrolled alot. You let relationships get lopsided.
And I, I've just found formyself and for the clients I work
with, having those two wordsis like a little bit of a magic bean,
you know, where it's like, youdon't have to even Know what you

(24:23):
need to say after hey, wait tosay it? Because giving your hey wait
is like, as soon as you sayit, you buy yourself a beat, right?
Yeah. Right. It gives you. Itgives you a.
All you need. Exactly. All youneed to know is that you don't like
how you're feeling in thatmoment. You're not having a good

(24:46):
experience of yourself.Because the thing that is true for
the people I work with isthey've gotten way too comfortable
not having a good experienceof themselves around other people.
And so it's like anytime youstart to notice you're sped up inside,
you are feeling small aroundsomebody, you feel shut down, you
feel like you want to fight,you feel like you want to, you know,

(25:08):
say something mean. Any ofthose things where you're like, I
don't like how this feels.That's a hey wait moment. And then
you get to ask for or make thestatement that's going to make you
have a better experience inthat moment.
Yeah, I love that. It actuallygives people. It, it brings back.

(25:29):
It gives people back the powerto actually address what they're
feeling and almost like getcomfortable with themselves. And
I. It's. It's a great, It's agreat thing. It reminds me also of
really of, you know, puttingsomething in there so that we can

(25:52):
acknowledge ourselves. Right.And not Absolutely. And not put ourselves
down as, as women.Particularly as women.
Absolutely. The way that Iwould say, what I've. I hear you
saying is like, you putyourself in the room.
Yeah, right. Yes. You putyour. Exactly. You're putting yourself
in your room. You're notletting things happen. You're making

(26:13):
a presence and you're actuallygetting the courage to speak. You
know, it's. And, and that's soimportant. It's so powerful and it's
so important. It's soimportant in so many ways. I love
it. I absolutely love it. So.So, Jake, how can people connect
with you and learn more aboutwhat you are offering? Get, you know,

(26:34):
take advantage of. Of. Of your greatness.
Thank you. Thank you. Mywebsite is jmoonfields.com and you
can. And through that get allthe information about the online
courses I have and offeringsand I have a podcast that's called
hey Wait. So it's easy toremember and I would highly recommend

(26:57):
to the. To your listener, goand listen to the first episode of
hey Wait. Because I talk aboutthe orig of how this came to be and
what kind of training youmight have gotten in terms of relational
training growing up and whatdoes it mean to be a good person
in relationship? Because thattraining is where this tool came

(27:20):
from because a lot of us gotthis weird, unhealthy message about
what it means to be a goodperson in relationship. So, yeah,
podcast is. Hey, wait.
Fantastic. All right, so Ionly include that in the show notes
and make sure everybody hasthat as well. So listeners, please
do me a favor. We've got somegreat nuggets here, and it is so

(27:44):
important for us both. And I'mgoing to say, men and women, this
relates to everybody. Soplease do me a favor. Go and reach
out to Jay. Connect with heron her website, connect with her
on LinkedIn. And then once youdo that, please make sure you also
hit subscribe to this podcastso that you can share this with other

(28:04):
people because it is such animportant message. This is the Unstoppable
Leadership Spotlight podcast.I'm your host. And Jay, thank you
so much for being an amazing guest.
Thank you for the greatinterview, Jaclyn.
You're welcome.
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