June 3, 2025 • 12 mins
What drives you to do what you do? Behind our most noble endeavors often lie hidden motivations that can either free us or enslave us. In this deeply personal episode, missionary Ben courageously shares what he calls his "second testimony" – a profound spiritual revelation about the deeper forces driving his mission work.
This powerful revelation offers freedom to anyone caught in the performance trap. There's a profound difference between healthy growth and identity-based striving. Ready to examine your own motivations? Listen now and discover what might be hiding beneath your own "why."
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:07):
Welcome to Unwritten, a podcast dedicated to sharing
the stories and the movement ofthe Holy Spirit in the world.
Today I'm your host, trevorBrecka, and on today's episode
we're getting to hear from BenDeLauder.
Ben hails from the great stateof South Carolina.
After graduating college, hebecame a missionary with Focus
and will spend his next yearserving as a missionary at the
University of Tennessee, sharingthe gospel with all of those
(00:29):
who will listen.
This might date me as a host,but in high school I was a huge
fan of Vine.
I loved the creativity thatwould go into trying to fit a
small comedy bit into only sixseconds, because that was as
long as the videos were allowedto be, and I had so many
different vines that my friendsand I would quote One of our
favorites, though we like toquote it in moments like when
(00:50):
the teacher assigned homework inthe last 30 seconds and you
kind of said to yourself why?
Because the vine was just avideo of a pastor with a bunch
of different clips of him sayingwhy, why, why, and it was funny
to quote.
But there's something deeperabout it, which is that we all
resonate with that question on asoul level why, why do you do
(01:13):
what you do?
Why do you live the way thatyou live?
On today's story, ben opens upto us some hidden motivations
beneath his why when he beganhis time as a missionary, and
how God exposed them and invitedhim to change.
Welcome to the show and listenin.
Speaker 2 (01:33):
Today I just wanted to share a little bit of what I
right now I'd call it my secondtestimony.
I've given my first testimony awhole bunch testimony.
I've given my first testimony awhole bunch and, yeah, like
just a little background of that.
The whole basis of my firsttestimony, my coming to Christ,
was like understanding I'm lovedunderstanding that that's not
(01:57):
something I necessarily have toearn, right, and it's funny
because my second testimony is asimilar thing of.
Our priest always describes itwhen in the spiritual life you
are kind of like a screw goingin the ground and at one point,
yeah, like I was trying tounderstand that I was loved, but
(02:19):
eventually the screw goesaround again.
I eventually get back to thesame thing in my spiritual life,
but it's a little bit deeperand, yeah, this was just an
experience of that.
So just a little background onme.
I grew up in a town called NorthAugusta.
My name's Ben the LotterParents got divorced when I was
pretty young.
Yeah, I played sports my wholelife.
That's just kind of what I did.
(02:40):
So growing up, especially insports, you're always kind of
trying to prove yourself.
You're always trying to.
You're trying to be a starter,right, you're trying to be great
, and this happened to me a lotin baseball.
So in baseball I was a terribleplayer.
I hit about 50 batters a game.
(03:02):
Couldn't hit, but I was on theteam.
So one summer it was my junioryear I was tired of sucking.
So that summer I worked superhard.
I got a pitching coach, workedsuper hard.
Long story short, I come backnext year.
I'm pretty bad in the beginning, but then I get it together, I
(03:22):
do great.
My ERA is pretty low.
I won MVP that year and, yeah,I played.
I played good.
But what that kind of did forme is it forced me to believe
that I like needed to earn somesort of approval, to earn,
essentially, love from anoutside source.
Right, and that is what decidedif I was good or not.
(03:44):
This happened with girls a lottoo in high school.
Like I would just like dates, Iwould try to go all out or I
would try to impress them in themost in, like the biggest way I
could.
Because in my head it was like,if I don't do these things, if
I don't, yeah, make it seem likeI just care so much and love so
well, like you're not going tolove me back or I'm not going to
(04:05):
be good enough or, I don't know, something bad is going to
happen.
So that's kind of like my wholemindset of my upbringing.
So anyway, long story short, Ijoined Focus in college and this
is kind of the story I want toshare.
I'm a December grad, so I'm atClemson, right, I get a call
from my regional director,trevor Barreca, and he says hey,
(04:28):
ben, you're going to UGA, theUniversity of Georgia, and
you're going to be a missionarythere.
I was like hey, great, that'sawesome, it's super close to
home.
I'm excited.
And hey, great, that's awesome,it's super close to home.
I'm excited.
And I show up to Georgia andI'm talking to my team director,
kelvin, and he tells me hey,ben, you've got three guys and a
five cap Bible study, you'vegot zero disciples and yeah,
(04:51):
you're free to do whatever youwant, like just go run.
And I'm super excited and justa heads up.
As far as language that I usewhen I talk about disciples,
what I'm referring to is peoplethat I directly work with,
almost like mentoring in aspiritual way, and the goal of
this is to help them with theirspiritual life, get them to pray
an hour a day, go into dailymass, receiving the sacraments
(05:12):
and ultimately understand howloved they are by Christ so that
they can go and teach others inthe future.
I lead Bible studies, leaddiscipleships.
I teach guys to lead Biblestudies, lead discipleships and
invest in other men.
I get to UGA and I'm like thisis great, I got nobody, I'm free
, I can start something.
But there was one problem andthat was that when I went into
(05:37):
team meetings everybody wouldtalk about their disciples and I
had nobody.
So I was like man, I stink atthis.
But the reality was I just gotthere a week ago and I didn't
have anybody right.
So my mission became I'm goingto get the most disciples, the
most guys in Bible studies.
And I was kind of going backinto that mindset of where I was
at in high school.
(05:58):
Shout out to the Lord.
I did just that.
The Phi Cap Bible study withthree guys turned into 15 guys.
I started another Bible studythat got out to 15 guys.
I asked 12 or 15 people intodiscipleship.
It made me look like I wasdoing really good Now.
My heart was in a good placefor all this.
(06:19):
I really did want to shareChrist with them, me look like I
was doing really good.
Now my heart was in a goodplace for all this, like I
really did want to share Christwith them, but there was like a
subconscious push of just tryingto show that I was better than
everybody.
The last missionary there hisname was Danny.
Everybody loves him and I justremember like, like, looking
back, my mindset was just likeI'm going to be better than
(06:39):
Danny, right, because I'm goinginto this spot, I've got to fill
his shoes.
Everybody's talking about himand I'm like man, I cannot be
seen as the guy who was theworst missionary that came to
UGA.
We get to what we call high callseason, where we are asking
these guys that I have investedin, these 12 to 15 guys that I
asked in the discipleship, totake the next step towards
(07:00):
Christ and start living missionand start leading Bible studies.
So I'm super excited.
I think I have four Phi Capguys, four freshmen, and then
maybe two other guys.
Yeah, so maybe it was 12.
So I'm super excited.
I give them this high call.
Every single one of them saysno, except for two guys.
(07:23):
Shout out Thomas and Francis.
They're going to bemissionaries for Focus this year
.
I was like, oh man, what isgoing on.
I'm also generally prettypositive.
So I was like, hey, I'm doinggreat, because I just wanted to
believe that I was doing good,because that's what my worth was
in right.
That was how I decided if I wasa good missionary.
But at the same time I was like, huh, this is interesting.
(07:47):
Fast forward to this pastsemester.
That was, I guess, threesemesters ago.
This is two semesters ago now,so it's like August.
I had a couple other guys drop,but anyway, I'm like restarting
.
I've got these other two guys.
I picked up another guy and Istart discipling five or six
more guys Throughout thesemester.
I'm working with them, myconviction's growing stronger,
(08:10):
right, and I can see myselfgrowing, which is super cool,
which is number one reason Iwould say you should live
mission right.
You yourself grow so much.
And same thing happens.
We get to high call season.
I high call all these guys, andthis time every single one of
them says yes.
And so I'm looking at this pastsemester to the semester before
(08:31):
, trying to understand what inthe world went different, what
did I do better?
And so I was praying with them.
I basically got to theconclusion that the Lord worked
in me so much and helped me growto imitate him, that it was
easier for guys to follow me,and I brought this up with my
disciple Francis.
I was like, yeah, dude, likethis is awesome.
(08:52):
All these guys said, yes, likethis is what I was praying with
and like I think, like the Lordjust worked in me and like I'm
imitating more now, and hestopped me.
He said, ben, you're wrong.
I said what do you mean?
And he goes.
I think when you came into UGA,your mindset was I need to prove
(09:15):
myself, I need to show that I'mthe best.
So if the Lord gave you, likeall those people said yes to the
high call and yes to mission,you were not in a place where
you had the humility to be ableto accept that and recognize
that that was of the Lord andnot of yourself.
Because if he would haveallowed that, he would have
(09:36):
reinstalled that vision inyourself that you have to prove
yourself, that you have to earnlove, that you have to earn love
that you are not good unlessyou are producing something.
And like now, Ben, like I cansee it, you're in this spot
where, like that happened andyou've told me before like, yes,
you're super happy, but you'realso unaffected.
I think there's an art to be incomplete awe of what the Lord
(10:00):
has done in your life and thegifts that he has given you, but
to also, in a way, beunaffected in the sense that you
know you are still loved, nomatter if that worked out or it
didn't work out, and that, yeah,like you are so loved in that
and you are the beloved in that,and it's not dependent on what
(10:20):
you do.
And yeah, I don't know, thatwas just.
It was so beautiful for me tobe able to see that in my own
life, but I needed somebody elseto tell me it, even though I
watched it happen.
And even in my first diagnosisof myself, it was almost
stemming from pride of like,look how much I grew.
I don't know, that was justsuper beautiful for me.
Thank you, francis, for sayingthat to me.
(10:42):
And it's something like I takeinto now whenever I'm discipling
guys, living mission, like I'mjust having fun and sharing the
Lord with everybody, and ittakes so much stress off myself,
especially as this next yearI'm going to be a team director
at the University of Tennessee.
Yeah, I can feel myself wantingto slip back in that mindset of
, oh, I've got to kill it.
(11:03):
I've got to be great, I've gotto be better than the last TD.
I can feel myself tempted intodoing that, which is like one of
Satan's biggest tricks.
He just wants you to compareyourself.
I think I've learned there's ahealthy way to want to grow and
want to be better, which is good.
Speaker 1 (11:28):
Don't be complacent, but it's also like your worth is
not derived from that.
Thanks so much, ben, forsharing your story.
What I love about this story isthat Ben didn't become a
missionary for bad reasons.
He was doing a good thing.
But God, who called him to be amissionary, did so because he
knew there were deeperroadblocks in his heart to
living out his sonship as abeloved son of God that needed
(11:49):
to be healed.
And I love it too, because Benlearned it, because he made a
sincere gift of himself.
Quoting from that Second VaticanCouncil document man cannot
fully find himself exceptthrough a sincere gift of
himself document.
Man cannot fully find himselfexcept through a sincere gift of
himself.
It was in giving himself awaythat Ben learned, that he was
able to see inside himself andrealize where he was still
(12:10):
lacking the ability to live outof that love of the Lord
completely and where he neededto grow.
And I think so it is for me andfor you.
In saying yes to Jesus and whathe invites us to, he will
continue to use these things todraw us more deeply into his
love.
Thanks so much for listeningand we hope to see you next week
.
Welcome to Unwritten, a podcast dedicated to sharing
the stories and the movement ofthe Holy Spirit in the world.
Today I'm your host, trevorBrecka, and on today's episode
we're getting to hear from BenDeLauder.
Ben hails from the great stateof South Carolina.
After graduating college, hebecame a missionary with Focus
and will spend his next yearserving as a missionary at the
University of Tennessee, sharingthe gospel with all of those
(00:29):
who will listen.
This might date me as a host,but in high school I was a huge
fan of Vine.
I loved the creativity thatwould go into trying to fit a
small comedy bit into only sixseconds, because that was as
long as the videos were allowedto be, and I had so many
different vines that my friendsand I would quote One of our
favorites, though we like toquote it in moments like when
(00:50):
the teacher assigned homework inthe last 30 seconds and you
kind of said to yourself why?
Because the vine was just avideo of a pastor with a bunch
of different clips of him sayingwhy, why, why, and it was funny
to quote.
But there's something deeperabout it, which is that we all
resonate with that question on asoul level why, why do you do
(01:13):
what you do?
Why do you live the way thatyou live?
On today's story, ben opens upto us some hidden motivations
beneath his why when he beganhis time as a missionary, and
how God exposed them and invitedhim to change.
Welcome to the show and listenin.
Speaker 2 (01:33):
Today I just wanted to share a little bit of what I
right now I'd call it my secondtestimony.
I've given my first testimony awhole bunch testimony.
I've given my first testimony awhole bunch and, yeah, like
just a little background of that.
The whole basis of my firsttestimony, my coming to Christ,
was like understanding I'm lovedunderstanding that that's not
(01:57):
something I necessarily have toearn, right, and it's funny
because my second testimony is asimilar thing of.
Our priest always describes itwhen in the spiritual life you
are kind of like a screw goingin the ground and at one point,
yeah, like I was trying tounderstand that I was loved, but
(02:19):
eventually the screw goesaround again.
I eventually get back to thesame thing in my spiritual life,
but it's a little bit deeperand, yeah, this was just an
experience of that.
So just a little background onme.
I grew up in a town called NorthAugusta.
My name's Ben the LotterParents got divorced when I was
pretty young.
Yeah, I played sports my wholelife.
That's just kind of what I did.
(02:40):
So growing up, especially insports, you're always kind of
trying to prove yourself.
You're always trying to.
You're trying to be a starter,right, you're trying to be great
, and this happened to me a lotin baseball.
So in baseball I was a terribleplayer.
I hit about 50 batters a game.
(03:02):
Couldn't hit, but I was on theteam.
So one summer it was my junioryear I was tired of sucking.
So that summer I worked superhard.
I got a pitching coach, workedsuper hard.
Long story short, I come backnext year.
I'm pretty bad in the beginning, but then I get it together, I
(03:22):
do great.
My ERA is pretty low.
I won MVP that year and, yeah,I played.
I played good.
But what that kind of did forme is it forced me to believe
that I like needed to earn somesort of approval, to earn,
essentially, love from anoutside source.
Right, and that is what decidedif I was good or not.
(03:44):
This happened with girls a lottoo in high school.
Like I would just like dates, Iwould try to go all out or I
would try to impress them in themost in, like the biggest way I
could.
Because in my head it was like,if I don't do these things, if
I don't, yeah, make it seem likeI just care so much and love so
well, like you're not going tolove me back or I'm not going to
(04:05):
be good enough or, I don't know, something bad is going to
happen.
So that's kind of like my wholemindset of my upbringing.
So anyway, long story short, Ijoined Focus in college and this
is kind of the story I want toshare.
I'm a December grad, so I'm atClemson, right, I get a call
from my regional director,trevor Barreca, and he says hey,
(04:28):
ben, you're going to UGA, theUniversity of Georgia, and
you're going to be a missionarythere.
I was like hey, great, that'sawesome, it's super close to
home.
I'm excited.
And hey, great, that's awesome,it's super close to home.
I'm excited.
And I show up to Georgia andI'm talking to my team director,
kelvin, and he tells me hey,ben, you've got three guys and a
five cap Bible study, you'vegot zero disciples and yeah,
(04:51):
you're free to do whatever youwant, like just go run.
And I'm super excited and justa heads up.
As far as language that I usewhen I talk about disciples,
what I'm referring to is peoplethat I directly work with,
almost like mentoring in aspiritual way, and the goal of
this is to help them with theirspiritual life, get them to pray
an hour a day, go into dailymass, receiving the sacraments
(05:12):
and ultimately understand howloved they are by Christ so that
they can go and teach others inthe future.
I lead Bible studies, leaddiscipleships.
I teach guys to lead Biblestudies, lead discipleships and
invest in other men.
I get to UGA and I'm like thisis great, I got nobody, I'm free
, I can start something.
But there was one problem andthat was that when I went into
(05:37):
team meetings everybody wouldtalk about their disciples and I
had nobody.
So I was like man, I stink atthis.
But the reality was I just gotthere a week ago and I didn't
have anybody right.
So my mission became I'm goingto get the most disciples, the
most guys in Bible studies.
And I was kind of going backinto that mindset of where I was
at in high school.
(05:58):
Shout out to the Lord.
I did just that.
The Phi Cap Bible study withthree guys turned into 15 guys.
I started another Bible studythat got out to 15 guys.
I asked 12 or 15 people intodiscipleship.
It made me look like I wasdoing really good Now.
My heart was in a good placefor all this.
(06:19):
I really did want to shareChrist with them, me look like I
was doing really good.
Now my heart was in a goodplace for all this, like I
really did want to share Christwith them, but there was like a
subconscious push of just tryingto show that I was better than
everybody.
The last missionary there hisname was Danny.
Everybody loves him and I justremember like, like, looking
back, my mindset was just likeI'm going to be better than
(06:39):
Danny, right, because I'm goinginto this spot, I've got to fill
his shoes.
Everybody's talking about himand I'm like man, I cannot be
seen as the guy who was theworst missionary that came to
UGA.
We get to what we call high callseason, where we are asking
these guys that I have investedin, these 12 to 15 guys that I
asked in the discipleship, totake the next step towards
(07:00):
Christ and start living missionand start leading Bible studies.
So I'm super excited.
I think I have four Phi Capguys, four freshmen, and then
maybe two other guys.
Yeah, so maybe it was 12.
So I'm super excited.
I give them this high call.
Every single one of them saysno, except for two guys.
(07:23):
Shout out Thomas and Francis.
They're going to bemissionaries for Focus this year
.
I was like, oh man, what isgoing on.
I'm also generally prettypositive.
So I was like, hey, I'm doinggreat, because I just wanted to
believe that I was doing good,because that's what my worth was
in right.
That was how I decided if I wasa good missionary.
But at the same time I was like, huh, this is interesting.
(07:47):
Fast forward to this pastsemester.
That was, I guess, threesemesters ago.
This is two semesters ago now,so it's like August.
I had a couple other guys drop,but anyway, I'm like restarting
.
I've got these other two guys.
I picked up another guy and Istart discipling five or six
more guys Throughout thesemester.
I'm working with them, myconviction's growing stronger,
(08:10):
right, and I can see myselfgrowing, which is super cool,
which is number one reason Iwould say you should live
mission right.
You yourself grow so much.
And same thing happens.
We get to high call season.
I high call all these guys, andthis time every single one of
them says yes.
And so I'm looking at this pastsemester to the semester before
(08:31):
, trying to understand what inthe world went different, what
did I do better?
And so I was praying with them.
I basically got to theconclusion that the Lord worked
in me so much and helped me growto imitate him, that it was
easier for guys to follow me,and I brought this up with my
disciple Francis.
I was like, yeah, dude, likethis is awesome.
(08:52):
All these guys said, yes, likethis is what I was praying with
and like I think, like the Lordjust worked in me and like I'm
imitating more now, and hestopped me.
He said, ben, you're wrong.
I said what do you mean?
And he goes.
I think when you came into UGA,your mindset was I need to prove
(09:15):
myself, I need to show that I'mthe best.
So if the Lord gave you, likeall those people said yes to the
high call and yes to mission,you were not in a place where
you had the humility to be ableto accept that and recognize
that that was of the Lord andnot of yourself.
Because if he would haveallowed that, he would have
(09:36):
reinstalled that vision inyourself that you have to prove
yourself, that you have to earnlove, that you have to earn love
that you are not good unlessyou are producing something.
And like now, Ben, like I cansee it, you're in this spot
where, like that happened andyou've told me before like, yes,
you're super happy, but you'realso unaffected.
I think there's an art to be incomplete awe of what the Lord
(10:00):
has done in your life and thegifts that he has given you, but
to also, in a way, beunaffected in the sense that you
know you are still loved, nomatter if that worked out or it
didn't work out, and that, yeah,like you are so loved in that
and you are the beloved in that,and it's not dependent on what
(10:20):
you do.
And yeah, I don't know, thatwas just.
It was so beautiful for me tobe able to see that in my own
life, but I needed somebody elseto tell me it, even though I
watched it happen.
And even in my first diagnosisof myself, it was almost
stemming from pride of like,look how much I grew.
I don't know, that was justsuper beautiful for me.
Thank you, francis, for sayingthat to me.
(10:42):
And it's something like I takeinto now whenever I'm discipling
guys, living mission, like I'mjust having fun and sharing the
Lord with everybody, and ittakes so much stress off myself,
especially as this next yearI'm going to be a team director
at the University of Tennessee.
Yeah, I can feel myself wantingto slip back in that mindset of
, oh, I've got to kill it.
(11:03):
I've got to be great, I've gotto be better than the last TD.
I can feel myself tempted intodoing that, which is like one of
Satan's biggest tricks.
He just wants you to compareyourself.
I think I've learned there's ahealthy way to want to grow and
want to be better, which is good.
Speaker 1 (11:28):
Don't be complacent, but it's also like your worth is
not derived from that.
Thanks so much, ben, forsharing your story.
What I love about this story isthat Ben didn't become a
missionary for bad reasons.
He was doing a good thing.
But God, who called him to be amissionary, did so because he
knew there were deeperroadblocks in his heart to
living out his sonship as abeloved son of God that needed
(11:49):
to be healed.
And I love it too, because Benlearned it, because he made a
sincere gift of himself.
Quoting from that Second VaticanCouncil document man cannot
fully find himself exceptthrough a sincere gift of
himself document.
Man cannot fully find himselfexcept through a sincere gift of
himself.
It was in giving himself awaythat Ben learned, that he was
able to see inside himself andrealize where he was still
(12:10):
lacking the ability to live outof that love of the Lord
completely and where he neededto grow.
And I think so it is for me andfor you.
In saying yes to Jesus and whathe invites us to, he will
continue to use these things todraw us more deeply into his
love.
Thanks so much for listeningand we hope to see you next week
.
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