August 12, 2025 • 17 mins
On this episode of Unwritten, we hear from Courtney Roach, host of the "Daily Nothings podcast," as she shares her intensely personal and vulnerable journey during a Jubilee pilgrimage to Rome and Vatican City. Having led 40 women from her podcast community, including her co-host and best friend Megan, Courtney embarked on a dream trip to Italy to experience the graces of walking through the holy doors.
However, the journey was not without its challenges. Amidst extreme heat and a disappointing papal audience where Pope Leo unexpectedly changed his route, Courtney found herself exhausted, frustrated, and deeply imperfect.
Discover how a pivotal moment while carrying a cross during the Jubilee Walk and her subsequent uncontrollable weeping led to a profound divine encounter. Courtney recounts receiving a clear message from St. Peter—a saint to whom she has a deep devotion.
Her story is a powerful testament to God's pursuit of her heart and how He uses vulnerability, true emotion, and even our shortcomings to reveal His mission. This episode is an essential listen for anyone seeking to understand how God meets us in our weakness and imperfection, offering profound love and clarity even in the most overwhelming moments.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:05):
Welcome to Unwritten, a podcast dedicated to sharing stories of
the movement of the Holy Spirit and the world.
Today, I'm your host, Trevor Braca, and on today's episode,
we're getting to hear from Courtney Roche.
As always, I'd like to invite you to subscribe to the show.
This is your best way to make sure that every week you're
getting stories of what God is doing and the world delivered
right to wherever you listen to your podcasts, so you can be
(00:28):
inspired to know that God is at work in your life too.
There's a classic leadership video that I really like that
will get passed around from timeto time.
It's about the importance of thefirst follower, and you've
probably seen it. There's a guy dancing on a hill
at large gathering, I think it'sa music festival for what feels
like a really long time by himself until a first person,
you know, joins him on the hill dancing.
And then a second follows and within like a minute, the whole
(00:50):
hillside is filled with people dancing.
And people are often using this video to demonstrate the
importance that first follower. But I think there's another
interesting point. The experience wouldn't have
been the same in that example ofall the people coming to dance
unless like the whole group had gotten involved.
There was like this palpable sense in the video that there's
an experience that they're all having, not in spite of the
(01:12):
large group, but because of the group of people who who are
having this this moment of joy together.
On today's episode, Courtney, surrounded by a close friend in
a large group of other pilgrims,has a powerful, palpable
experience of God's love right in the heart of Vatican City, in
the heart of the Church. Welcome to the show and listen
in. Hello everyone, this is Courtney
(01:35):
Roach with the Daily Nothings Podcast.
And let me tell you, I am so thrilled to be here on the
Unwritten Podcast for my debut, for my Unwritten debut, Come on.
If you don't know the Daily Nothings podcast, it is a
podcast that is primarily femalepodcast.
Honestly, our audience is reallygeared towards women, but it's
all based off of Saint Therese'sreflection that I came across
(02:00):
once in 2020. That's really about her sharing,
bringing these petals of nothingness to the Father,
bringing them to his throne. And she bestows these petals of
nothingness onto the father and he delights in them greatly,
although the world says that they don't matter.
And then he takes these petals of nothingness and creates a
brand new flower and gives it back to his daughter and she
(02:20):
delights in it greatly. And it feels like a gift from
him. And she gave him her poverty and
he gave her a gift in return. And so with the daily nothings,
we basically talk about every our Jingle is like daily sip by
song, walk, prayer, chat and snooze.
And it's like any moment of any day, we have an opportunity to
(02:42):
become more of a St. and every moment amounts to eternity over
time. It doesn't mean nothing.
It actually carries much weight and our decisions matter.
And so we've been doing this podcast for a little while now.
I had the motivation to start itbecause my Co host and best
friend Megan Day saw my worth and saw my gifts and was like,
(03:03):
I'm getting you a podcast mic and we are doing this and we are
going to make a podcast together.
And it has been such an incredible journey.
We've been doing it for almost three years now, which is just
insane. And we felt the call in this
last year to host a pilgrimage within the Jubilee year and it
was a crazy lofty goal. I did not know how it was going
(03:25):
to go. I didn't even know what we would
need to do to get there. But we just started looking into
it. We were like, what could we do?
If we led a pilgrimage in the Jubilee year to Italy, to the
home of our church, What would it be like?
Megan and I are both converts. We both converted to Catholicism
in college, and we converted to Catholicism because of the
(03:46):
invitations of FOCUS missionaries on our campus.
We went to IUPUI, which is Indiana University, Purdue
University, Indianapolis, and wewere like, what would it be like
to bring podcast listeners to Italy with us in the Jubilee
year and embrace the graces of walking through the Holy Doors
in Italy? Is this even possible?
(04:07):
It seemed like this massive dream.
We really didn't know if it would be doable.
And yeah, we did it. And we were like, OK, let's just
reach out to people and see whatdifferent travel agencies and
different pilgrimage groups and businesses have to offer for us
to be able to really provide a pilgrimage that will change
(04:28):
lives. And we ended up working with
Encounter Travel. It was the best decision we
could have made. They are so, so talented and put
together such a curated experience that was so niche to
our audience. And we wanted it to be a really
strenuous pilgrimage that was beautiful and well orchestrated
whilst also being girly and feminine.
(04:48):
And we wore sun dresses every day and we sweat a lot because
it was Rome in June and Assisi in June.
But it was worth every minute. And I just, it was one of those
big dreams that we really didn'tknow if it would happen even up
until we left, before we even got on our flight to actually go
to Rome. Megan and I just kind of looked
to be at each other, like, is this actually happening?
(05:09):
This is so out there. This is such a big dream.
I cannot believe that the Lord is actually going to be able to
do this. We put our Lord in such a box
and he helped us pursue this huge dream.
And we got 40 women, forty of our listeners to come on this
podcast pilgrimage with us, the Daily Nothings Pilgrimage, 40
(05:30):
women are signed up to come to Italy with us that we've never
met. We knew some of them.
I would say I knew maybe 5 or 6 of them total.
But we got to go and we got to bring these women with us and
encounter beauty, truth, and goodness.
And I really just want to share one really, really profound
story with you that all of the girls that were on the trip with
me, they've reached out even even to this day.
(05:53):
And I'm recording this about a month after being in Italy, and
they agree it was just one of their most favorite moments of
the entire trip. And it was when we were going on
the official Jubilee walk from the back of Vatican City into
Saint Peter's, going through theHoly Doors at Saint Peter's.
It was our first Holy Door experience in Italy.
And to paint a picture of that day, it was extraordinarily hot.
(06:17):
I would say it was between 97 ninety 98° and in Rome, heat is
just different. It's not that it's overly humid
like the Midwest or dry like outhere in Colorado where I live,
but it was just so hot. It's like all of the stone in
the city is radiating off of each other.
And we woke up really early thatday.
(06:38):
We woke up at 4:00 AM. We're going to a papal audience.
We're ready to see Pope Leo for the first time.
We get in line, we get inside, we're seated in Vatican City.
We're so lucky to have seats. We're so excited to see him.
All of the girls are strategizing on how on earth are
we going to be able to get to the railing well enough to be
able to really see Pope Leo Well, and to get that shot, you
(07:00):
know, you got to get the the photo, the video of Pope Leo
because he's new. And this is so insane that we're
getting to see him within reallythe first few months of his
papacy. And so we're ready, We've
strategized, we're up against the bar.
He's doing his Pope mobile routeand he doesn't come past us.
And it's so strange because the leader of our trip is he goes
(07:22):
all the time. He's been to so many papal
audiences and he's like, girls, I don't know what happened.
He always comes down this section and he didn't.
And we found out later that there was a person of suspect in
the area, basically. And it was the first time that a
Pope has not gone down that partof the square in eight years.
(07:42):
So it was very weird for him to not be doing that.
But we were very bummed. And that mixed with heat, you're
kind of done. You've been up since 4:00.
You haven't had coffee. Bathrooms are amiss.
You can't really get comfortable.
You're dripping sweat sitting inthe Roman sun and you're just
bummed, right? And so after that, we kind of
step away. The papal audience was good.
(08:03):
It was fine. It was a bit of a bummer, but it
was so cool to see Pope Leo regardless, right?
And we live on with our day. We've got a few free hours.
I go and I decide that I want todo some souvenir shopping
because I'm a girl. That's what we do.
And my Co host and dear best friend Megan is like, I'm going
to go pray. And I'm like, oh, good for you,
(08:23):
Megan. We've been up since 4:00.
You're going to go pray. And I'm judging her.
Oh, I'm judging her. And I'm mad.
And I'm comparing myself. And I'm like, who do you think
you are? Who do you think you are?
Are you just so holy? You've just got it all figured
out. Good for you.
Good for you. And I've just got this anger
within and I'm so, so aggravatedand angry and tired and hungry
(08:46):
and sweaty and there's no relief.
Even though it's a law in Rome to have air conditioning from
the months of like June to September or something, the air
conditioning is nothing like America.
There is no relief insight. You are just dripping sweat and
losing pounds by the minute. Praise God, right?
And so I kind of do my own thing.
I go souvenir shopping. I'm just wandering around.
(09:06):
We meet back up with Megan aftershe's had her time with prayer.
We had to lunch with the rest ofthe girls and our lunch that day
is outside, which normally exciting.
Whatever, cool. I'm so hot I feel like I could
throw up. And I'm like, I can't do this,
the suffering is too real. And I sit through lunch, I'm
having a really hard time carrying conversation.
I'm like, Lord, I am checked out.
(09:27):
And later we have a Jubilee pilgrimage and I don't know what
that means. I'm sure our host has told us
what that means, but I'm just uncertain at this moment.
And we've been pilgrimming all over the place.
But at this time, a special Jubilee pilgrimage means extra
walking and extra strenuous behavior in my mind, and I'm not
(09:50):
liking the idea of that. And so basically I'm getting
grouchier by the minute. And at one point after lunch,
Megan pulls me aside and she's like, what is going on?
And I just let her have it because we have such an
authentic friendship, right? And I'm like, I'm upset that you
went and prayed. And I'm mad at myself for being
upset that you went and prayed because that's a really holy
choice. And I wish that I would have
chosen that, but I don't have the capacity because I'm
(10:12):
dripping sweat and I'm distracted and I'm exhausted and
I couldn't pray if I tried rightnow.
And I feel like that you think that you're better than me.
And she's like, keep going, keepgoing, keep it coming, being
such an amazing friend. And she's like, renounce this.
This is so clearly rooted in theevil 1.
And even with her level headed of being able to recognize that,
I'm getting frustrated because I'm at this level of exhaustion
(10:34):
that's so hard for me to just settle down, give it to the
Lord, surrender it and move on. I'm like attached to this
frustration, right? And I'm like, on top of that,
I'm going to go and lead these women through the Holy doors.
And I'm in no state to go through the Holy doors right
now. I am so imperfect.
And we're walking around the corner and we're in this
conversation as we're heading tothe Jubilee walk.
(10:55):
And I'm like, OK, Courtney, try to get it together.
We've got this Jubilee walk. You need to lead.
Well. And I cross, I go across the way
and I see our leader there standing with this cross that's
like taller than me, right? I'm 57.
And I'm like, oh, we're going tocarry that cross.
And our leader is like, OK, would you like to carry this
cross? Do you want me to carry it for
you? Do you want of you want to help
me carry it? Would you guys both like to
(11:16):
carry it? And I go Megan and I will carry
it. And Megan just kind of looks at
me like, OK, attitude adjustment.
I'm loving it, right? And so we start carrying it.
And in this moment, our leaders like, OK, you guys, I'd love for
us to pray through these prayersand like read these Psalms
together as we're processing. And if you've ever been to Rome,
it's truly, we're in the very back of Vatican City and we've
(11:37):
got to walk all the way down themain streets of Vatican City to
Saint Peter's. And then we'll go through the
Holy Doors in Saint Peter's Basilica.
And it's quite a walk. It's not super far, but it's
definitely like at least a 20 minute walk, I would say.
And we're at the back of it and they give you these little
prayer books. That's what our leader was
referring to. And our leader is passing around
(11:58):
the tour guide mic so everyone can hear what the person with
the microphone is saying. And we start going and we start
in prayer. And I just start weeping because
I just feel so imperfect in thatmoment.
And I just had this image of Saint Peter in that moment,
standing at the doors, standing at the holy doors of Saint
Peter's Basilica where he is buried.
(12:20):
And I just see him standing there in prayer, obviously.
And I hear him say to me, I justwant to show you the imperfect
way. Just come to me.
Just get here. And I have such a deep devotion
to Saint Peter. I had a devotion to him since
before I converted to Catholicism.
And I would pray specifically for Saint Peter to intercede for
(12:42):
me because I had a really hard time understanding and believing
that Christ was truly present inthe Eucharist when I was
converting to Catholicism from the Protestant Church.
And I would ask him to help my unbelief because I know that he
doubted Christ as well. And so for him to, yeah, just be
with me in that moment of poverty and that moment of
(13:04):
disappointment in myself and my behavior, and to say, just come
to me, I just want to show you the imperfect way.
That's it. I just want to show you the
imperfect way. Just come to me.
I was just crying. I was thinking about how many
imperfections I have, how unworthy I feel to be leading
these women, how they're such fans of mine.
And they've come all this way tolisten to my like, they're,
they've listened to my podcast for so long, but they've come
(13:25):
all this way to get time with me.
And they want to be like me. And they want to know me and
they want to get to know Megan. And at one point our leader
looked at me and he was like, I really want you to read Psalm 23
when you walk through the doors of Saint Peter's.
And I was like, listen, I have been crying this entire time to
the point where I'm having a hard time breathing.
(13:46):
I'm walking and sobbing. And it's harder than I thought.
And you want me to read Psalm 23?
I don't have stage fright. I love a microphone, but I can't
do this. And right when we're getting
close to the doors, he's like, Ithink you need to do this.
And I gotten myself together, and I was like, OK, I can do
this. And I start reading Psalm 23.
(14:07):
And as I open my mouth, I just, I get like the first few lines
out, but then I break down and instantly I hear the Lord say,
Courtney, this is my mission foryou.
This is my mission for you. And I'm realizing how literal in
that moment, I'm standing there being vulnerable, being myself,
(14:27):
showing my true emotions, showing my true self to these
women, listening. And I have a microphone in my
hands and I'm carrying across with my Co host and best friend
Megan. And 40 women are following
behind me going into this immense merciful space of the
Holy doors, seeking comfort, seeking refuge, seeking clarity
(14:49):
in the coolness of Saint Peter's.
Then I'm walking through Saint Peter's and I touch the Holy
Doors and I'm reading this and it's like we walk in.
It's instantly cool. I see the Piazza to my right.
I'm like uncontrollably sobbing.We see Pope John Paul, the
second tomb to our right. There's so many people all
around. We have this grand entrance.
(15:09):
It's like all of this clarity and all of these things are
clicking in my mind. And I'm like, this is what
heaven could be like someday, this understanding and Oh my
gosh, you know, you know, this St. and this saint's friends
with this St. And that's who did this piece of
art. Oh my gosh.
And Oh my gosh, Lord, you look so beautiful.
And Oh my gosh, the cool of the day is just like unbelievable.
(15:29):
And there's just so many lights,just like going right.
And then after I'm done with Psalm 23, the leader of our
group, whom I love very much, grabs the mic and goes, welcome
home. And we all lose it.
I mean, we are just weeping, andwe're weeping and rejoicing.
And it's just this abundance of the Holy Spirit and this deep
(15:52):
clarity. And what was so profound for me
was, yes, I was with all of these women, I was in Saint
Peter's. I was seeing this magnificence
of art, of architecture, of the roots of Catholicism.
But what really got me was the way that the Lord pursued my
heart in that exact moment and the fact that he was beyond
literal with me. Be sure to check out the Daily
(16:16):
Nothings podcast. We also have an Instagram at the
Daily Nothings. It's so great.
Our Instagram is so fun. And you can also follow me on my
personal account to get to know me a little bit more on
Instagram at Becoming dot Courtney.
Thank you so much, Courtney. I'm grateful for the honesty
with which you shared your own shortcomings, only to really
(16:37):
drive home the point that God can do so much even while we're
weak. Part of taking a step to lead is
exposing yourself to the possibility of not quite being
up to the moment. And I think for me, that's been
something that's very much humbled me over the years and
forced me to rely even more on God's accomplishing something
not mine. For all of us, I hope we can
trust that if we find ourselves in the position of not having
(16:58):
enough in the moment to follow through on our hopes and our
plans, that God can do so much with that moment if we give it
to Him. Thanks so much for listening
today and we hope to see you next week.
Welcome to Unwritten, a podcast dedicated to sharing stories of
the movement of the Holy Spirit and the world.
Today, I'm your host, Trevor Braca, and on today's episode,
we're getting to hear from Courtney Roche.
As always, I'd like to invite you to subscribe to the show.
This is your best way to make sure that every week you're
getting stories of what God is doing and the world delivered
right to wherever you listen to your podcasts, so you can be
(00:28):
inspired to know that God is at work in your life too.
There's a classic leadership video that I really like that
will get passed around from timeto time.
It's about the importance of thefirst follower, and you've
probably seen it. There's a guy dancing on a hill
at large gathering, I think it'sa music festival for what feels
like a really long time by himself until a first person,
you know, joins him on the hill dancing.
And then a second follows and within like a minute, the whole
(00:50):
hillside is filled with people dancing.
And people are often using this video to demonstrate the
importance that first follower. But I think there's another
interesting point. The experience wouldn't have
been the same in that example ofall the people coming to dance
unless like the whole group had gotten involved.
There was like this palpable sense in the video that there's
an experience that they're all having, not in spite of the
(01:12):
large group, but because of the group of people who who are
having this this moment of joy together.
On today's episode, Courtney, surrounded by a close friend in
a large group of other pilgrims,has a powerful, palpable
experience of God's love right in the heart of Vatican City, in
the heart of the Church. Welcome to the show and listen
in. Hello everyone, this is Courtney
(01:35):
Roach with the Daily Nothings Podcast.
And let me tell you, I am so thrilled to be here on the
Unwritten Podcast for my debut, for my Unwritten debut, Come on.
If you don't know the Daily Nothings podcast, it is a
podcast that is primarily femalepodcast.
Honestly, our audience is reallygeared towards women, but it's
all based off of Saint Therese'sreflection that I came across
(02:00):
once in 2020. That's really about her sharing,
bringing these petals of nothingness to the Father,
bringing them to his throne. And she bestows these petals of
nothingness onto the father and he delights in them greatly,
although the world says that they don't matter.
And then he takes these petals of nothingness and creates a
brand new flower and gives it back to his daughter and she
(02:20):
delights in it greatly. And it feels like a gift from
him. And she gave him her poverty and
he gave her a gift in return. And so with the daily nothings,
we basically talk about every our Jingle is like daily sip by
song, walk, prayer, chat and snooze.
And it's like any moment of any day, we have an opportunity to
(02:42):
become more of a St. and every moment amounts to eternity over
time. It doesn't mean nothing.
It actually carries much weight and our decisions matter.
And so we've been doing this podcast for a little while now.
I had the motivation to start itbecause my Co host and best
friend Megan Day saw my worth and saw my gifts and was like,
(03:03):
I'm getting you a podcast mic and we are doing this and we are
going to make a podcast together.
And it has been such an incredible journey.
We've been doing it for almost three years now, which is just
insane. And we felt the call in this
last year to host a pilgrimage within the Jubilee year and it
was a crazy lofty goal. I did not know how it was going
(03:25):
to go. I didn't even know what we would
need to do to get there. But we just started looking into
it. We were like, what could we do?
If we led a pilgrimage in the Jubilee year to Italy, to the
home of our church, What would it be like?
Megan and I are both converts. We both converted to Catholicism
in college, and we converted to Catholicism because of the
(03:46):
invitations of FOCUS missionaries on our campus.
We went to IUPUI, which is Indiana University, Purdue
University, Indianapolis, and wewere like, what would it be like
to bring podcast listeners to Italy with us in the Jubilee
year and embrace the graces of walking through the Holy Doors
in Italy? Is this even possible?
(04:07):
It seemed like this massive dream.
We really didn't know if it would be doable.
And yeah, we did it. And we were like, OK, let's just
reach out to people and see whatdifferent travel agencies and
different pilgrimage groups and businesses have to offer for us
to be able to really provide a pilgrimage that will change
(04:28):
lives. And we ended up working with
Encounter Travel. It was the best decision we
could have made. They are so, so talented and put
together such a curated experience that was so niche to
our audience. And we wanted it to be a really
strenuous pilgrimage that was beautiful and well orchestrated
whilst also being girly and feminine.
(04:48):
And we wore sun dresses every day and we sweat a lot because
it was Rome in June and Assisi in June.
But it was worth every minute. And I just, it was one of those
big dreams that we really didn'tknow if it would happen even up
until we left, before we even got on our flight to actually go
to Rome. Megan and I just kind of looked
to be at each other, like, is this actually happening?
(05:09):
This is so out there. This is such a big dream.
I cannot believe that the Lord is actually going to be able to
do this. We put our Lord in such a box
and he helped us pursue this huge dream.
And we got 40 women, forty of our listeners to come on this
podcast pilgrimage with us, the Daily Nothings Pilgrimage, 40
(05:30):
women are signed up to come to Italy with us that we've never
met. We knew some of them.
I would say I knew maybe 5 or 6 of them total.
But we got to go and we got to bring these women with us and
encounter beauty, truth, and goodness.
And I really just want to share one really, really profound
story with you that all of the girls that were on the trip with
me, they've reached out even even to this day.
(05:53):
And I'm recording this about a month after being in Italy, and
they agree it was just one of their most favorite moments of
the entire trip. And it was when we were going on
the official Jubilee walk from the back of Vatican City into
Saint Peter's, going through theHoly Doors at Saint Peter's.
It was our first Holy Door experience in Italy.
And to paint a picture of that day, it was extraordinarily hot.
(06:17):
I would say it was between 97 ninety 98° and in Rome, heat is
just different. It's not that it's overly humid
like the Midwest or dry like outhere in Colorado where I live,
but it was just so hot. It's like all of the stone in
the city is radiating off of each other.
And we woke up really early thatday.
(06:38):
We woke up at 4:00 AM. We're going to a papal audience.
We're ready to see Pope Leo for the first time.
We get in line, we get inside, we're seated in Vatican City.
We're so lucky to have seats. We're so excited to see him.
All of the girls are strategizing on how on earth are
we going to be able to get to the railing well enough to be
able to really see Pope Leo Well, and to get that shot, you
(07:00):
know, you got to get the the photo, the video of Pope Leo
because he's new. And this is so insane that we're
getting to see him within reallythe first few months of his
papacy. And so we're ready, We've
strategized, we're up against the bar.
He's doing his Pope mobile routeand he doesn't come past us.
And it's so strange because the leader of our trip is he goes
(07:22):
all the time. He's been to so many papal
audiences and he's like, girls, I don't know what happened.
He always comes down this section and he didn't.
And we found out later that there was a person of suspect in
the area, basically. And it was the first time that a
Pope has not gone down that partof the square in eight years.
(07:42):
So it was very weird for him to not be doing that.
But we were very bummed. And that mixed with heat, you're
kind of done. You've been up since 4:00.
You haven't had coffee. Bathrooms are amiss.
You can't really get comfortable.
You're dripping sweat sitting inthe Roman sun and you're just
bummed, right? And so after that, we kind of
step away. The papal audience was good.
(08:03):
It was fine. It was a bit of a bummer, but it
was so cool to see Pope Leo regardless, right?
And we live on with our day. We've got a few free hours.
I go and I decide that I want todo some souvenir shopping
because I'm a girl. That's what we do.
And my Co host and dear best friend Megan is like, I'm going
to go pray. And I'm like, oh, good for you,
(08:23):
Megan. We've been up since 4:00.
You're going to go pray. And I'm judging her.
Oh, I'm judging her. And I'm mad.
And I'm comparing myself. And I'm like, who do you think
you are? Who do you think you are?
Are you just so holy? You've just got it all figured
out. Good for you.
Good for you. And I've just got this anger
within and I'm so, so aggravatedand angry and tired and hungry
(08:46):
and sweaty and there's no relief.
Even though it's a law in Rome to have air conditioning from
the months of like June to September or something, the air
conditioning is nothing like America.
There is no relief insight. You are just dripping sweat and
losing pounds by the minute. Praise God, right?
And so I kind of do my own thing.
I go souvenir shopping. I'm just wandering around.
(09:06):
We meet back up with Megan aftershe's had her time with prayer.
We had to lunch with the rest ofthe girls and our lunch that day
is outside, which normally exciting.
Whatever, cool. I'm so hot I feel like I could
throw up. And I'm like, I can't do this,
the suffering is too real. And I sit through lunch, I'm
having a really hard time carrying conversation.
I'm like, Lord, I am checked out.
(09:27):
And later we have a Jubilee pilgrimage and I don't know what
that means. I'm sure our host has told us
what that means, but I'm just uncertain at this moment.
And we've been pilgrimming all over the place.
But at this time, a special Jubilee pilgrimage means extra
walking and extra strenuous behavior in my mind, and I'm not
(09:50):
liking the idea of that. And so basically I'm getting
grouchier by the minute. And at one point after lunch,
Megan pulls me aside and she's like, what is going on?
And I just let her have it because we have such an
authentic friendship, right? And I'm like, I'm upset that you
went and prayed. And I'm mad at myself for being
upset that you went and prayed because that's a really holy
choice. And I wish that I would have
chosen that, but I don't have the capacity because I'm
(10:12):
dripping sweat and I'm distracted and I'm exhausted and
I couldn't pray if I tried rightnow.
And I feel like that you think that you're better than me.
And she's like, keep going, keepgoing, keep it coming, being
such an amazing friend. And she's like, renounce this.
This is so clearly rooted in theevil 1.
And even with her level headed of being able to recognize that,
I'm getting frustrated because I'm at this level of exhaustion
(10:34):
that's so hard for me to just settle down, give it to the
Lord, surrender it and move on. I'm like attached to this
frustration, right? And I'm like, on top of that,
I'm going to go and lead these women through the Holy doors.
And I'm in no state to go through the Holy doors right
now. I am so imperfect.
And we're walking around the corner and we're in this
conversation as we're heading tothe Jubilee walk.
(10:55):
And I'm like, OK, Courtney, try to get it together.
We've got this Jubilee walk. You need to lead.
Well. And I cross, I go across the way
and I see our leader there standing with this cross that's
like taller than me, right? I'm 57.
And I'm like, oh, we're going tocarry that cross.
And our leader is like, OK, would you like to carry this
cross? Do you want me to carry it for
you? Do you want of you want to help
me carry it? Would you guys both like to
(11:16):
carry it? And I go Megan and I will carry
it. And Megan just kind of looks at
me like, OK, attitude adjustment.
I'm loving it, right? And so we start carrying it.
And in this moment, our leaders like, OK, you guys, I'd love for
us to pray through these prayersand like read these Psalms
together as we're processing. And if you've ever been to Rome,
it's truly, we're in the very back of Vatican City and we've
(11:37):
got to walk all the way down themain streets of Vatican City to
Saint Peter's. And then we'll go through the
Holy Doors in Saint Peter's Basilica.
And it's quite a walk. It's not super far, but it's
definitely like at least a 20 minute walk, I would say.
And we're at the back of it and they give you these little
prayer books. That's what our leader was
referring to. And our leader is passing around
(11:58):
the tour guide mic so everyone can hear what the person with
the microphone is saying. And we start going and we start
in prayer. And I just start weeping because
I just feel so imperfect in thatmoment.
And I just had this image of Saint Peter in that moment,
standing at the doors, standing at the holy doors of Saint
Peter's Basilica where he is buried.
(12:20):
And I just see him standing there in prayer, obviously.
And I hear him say to me, I justwant to show you the imperfect
way. Just come to me.
Just get here. And I have such a deep devotion
to Saint Peter. I had a devotion to him since
before I converted to Catholicism.
And I would pray specifically for Saint Peter to intercede for
(12:42):
me because I had a really hard time understanding and believing
that Christ was truly present inthe Eucharist when I was
converting to Catholicism from the Protestant Church.
And I would ask him to help my unbelief because I know that he
doubted Christ as well. And so for him to, yeah, just be
with me in that moment of poverty and that moment of
(13:04):
disappointment in myself and my behavior, and to say, just come
to me, I just want to show you the imperfect way.
That's it. I just want to show you the
imperfect way. Just come to me.
I was just crying. I was thinking about how many
imperfections I have, how unworthy I feel to be leading
these women, how they're such fans of mine.
And they've come all this way tolisten to my like, they're,
they've listened to my podcast for so long, but they've come
(13:25):
all this way to get time with me.
And they want to be like me. And they want to know me and
they want to get to know Megan. And at one point our leader
looked at me and he was like, I really want you to read Psalm 23
when you walk through the doors of Saint Peter's.
And I was like, listen, I have been crying this entire time to
the point where I'm having a hard time breathing.
(13:46):
I'm walking and sobbing. And it's harder than I thought.
And you want me to read Psalm 23?
I don't have stage fright. I love a microphone, but I can't
do this. And right when we're getting
close to the doors, he's like, Ithink you need to do this.
And I gotten myself together, and I was like, OK, I can do
this. And I start reading Psalm 23.
(14:07):
And as I open my mouth, I just, I get like the first few lines
out, but then I break down and instantly I hear the Lord say,
Courtney, this is my mission foryou.
This is my mission for you. And I'm realizing how literal in
that moment, I'm standing there being vulnerable, being myself,
(14:27):
showing my true emotions, showing my true self to these
women, listening. And I have a microphone in my
hands and I'm carrying across with my Co host and best friend
Megan. And 40 women are following
behind me going into this immense merciful space of the
Holy doors, seeking comfort, seeking refuge, seeking clarity
(14:49):
in the coolness of Saint Peter's.
Then I'm walking through Saint Peter's and I touch the Holy
Doors and I'm reading this and it's like we walk in.
It's instantly cool. I see the Piazza to my right.
I'm like uncontrollably sobbing.We see Pope John Paul, the
second tomb to our right. There's so many people all
around. We have this grand entrance.
(15:09):
It's like all of this clarity and all of these things are
clicking in my mind. And I'm like, this is what
heaven could be like someday, this understanding and Oh my
gosh, you know, you know, this St. and this saint's friends
with this St. And that's who did this piece of
art. Oh my gosh.
And Oh my gosh, Lord, you look so beautiful.
And Oh my gosh, the cool of the day is just like unbelievable.
(15:29):
And there's just so many lights,just like going right.
And then after I'm done with Psalm 23, the leader of our
group, whom I love very much, grabs the mic and goes, welcome
home. And we all lose it.
I mean, we are just weeping, andwe're weeping and rejoicing.
And it's just this abundance of the Holy Spirit and this deep
(15:52):
clarity. And what was so profound for me
was, yes, I was with all of these women, I was in Saint
Peter's. I was seeing this magnificence
of art, of architecture, of the roots of Catholicism.
But what really got me was the way that the Lord pursued my
heart in that exact moment and the fact that he was beyond
literal with me. Be sure to check out the Daily
(16:16):
Nothings podcast. We also have an Instagram at the
Daily Nothings. It's so great.
Our Instagram is so fun. And you can also follow me on my
personal account to get to know me a little bit more on
Instagram at Becoming dot Courtney.
Thank you so much, Courtney. I'm grateful for the honesty
with which you shared your own shortcomings, only to really
(16:37):
drive home the point that God can do so much even while we're
weak. Part of taking a step to lead is
exposing yourself to the possibility of not quite being
up to the moment. And I think for me, that's been
something that's very much humbled me over the years and
forced me to rely even more on God's accomplishing something
not mine. For all of us, I hope we can
trust that if we find ourselves in the position of not having
(16:58):
enough in the moment to follow through on our hopes and our
plans, that God can do so much with that moment if we give it
to Him. Thanks so much for listening
today and we hope to see you next week.
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