The Journey Home: How Grief Led to Grace

Have you ever felt like your life was a puzzle thrown into the air, only to find all the pieces suddenly snapping into place? This is exactly how John describes the moment he surrendered to God's plan after years of wandering.

If you're feeling lost or wondering if your mistakes have taken you beyond redemption, John's testimony offers powerful hope. Listen now and discover how God weaves even our most painful chapters into His greater story of redemption.

Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:07):
Welcome to Unwritten, a podcast dedicated to sharing
the stories of the movement ofthe Holy Spirit in the world.
Today.
I'm your host, trevor Brecka,and on today's episode we're
getting to hear from John Merkel.
I like to think I'm original,but most of the time I'm not.
I, like so many other followersof Jesus over the centuries,
have been drawn to the beauty ofthe story of the prodigal son.

(00:27):
I'm always particularly drawnto the middle of the story, when
the son realizes the fullextent of his poverty and he
begins his journey home.
It's a moment that feels veryfamiliar to me of recognizing
that in seeking the world andits offer, I've been drawn away
from home and kind of in anempty and barren place.
And in today's story, johnshares with us how he found

(00:49):
himself shutting God out of hislife and how, ultimately, the
Lord called him home.
Welcome to the show and listenin.

Speaker 2 (01:10):
I was 16 years old and for Thanksgiving I went up
to Maryland with my family andfor the first time in my life I
went on a hunting trip with mydad and my older brother.
For three days of ourThanksgiving trip we were going
to be hunting deer and quail andgoose, and on the quail hunting
day we show up to a big fieldand we have a guide with us who

(01:30):
has a dog.
We're all lined up.
I'm on the right side of thisrow in a cornfield and we just
start walking.
It's about 17 degrees.
As a Florida boy withill-equipped hunting gear, I'm
extremely cold, but I love beingout there in the field.
I love the walking.
I love everything about it.

(01:51):
The quails, however, are notreally jumping, they're just
running along.
They've learned through thistime what happens when they jump
, so they're trying to avoidthat fate.
As we're walking, I'manticipating the quails jumping.
I'm just visualizing over andover again what I'm going to do
if they jump to my side.
I've been told if it comes upon the right, take your aim and

(02:15):
fire.
So this anticipation isbuilding and I love that too.
I love the thrill.
I'm not sure how much timepasses as we're doing this maybe
30, maybe 40 minutes.
May have been only 15, but itseemed like a long time.
After a while, surprisingly, abird jumps and it comes up to my
right.
I raise my barrel, I trace itspath, I pull the trigger Bird

(02:37):
down.
I'm at once in disbelief andecstatic.
I can't believe.
I hit the bird on my first shotand I'm thrilled First shot of
my life, successful kill.
The guide approaches the bird.
I expect a celebration andmaybe a congratulations for this
young first-timer.
Instead, he picks up the bird,he frowns and he issues me a

(03:01):
reproof that was a sparrow.
Don't do that again.
In that split second there wasno way that my untrained eye
could have identified the birdcorrectly.
I didn't intend to wantonlykill the sparrow, but I did.
It was my first kill, but alittle mistake.
A month later we're home backin Florida for Christmas.

(03:23):
It was about a week afterChristmas that my dad was
diagnosed with cancer.
We found out that it was mostlikely terminal and over the
coming weeks and months itworked quickly.
Taking his body first, he wasalways an imposing presence,
about 6'2", 250 pounds, a formercollegiate football player.
During his treatments he and mymother would spend a week away

(03:46):
at a time, getting chemotherapyand other treatments at a
hospital two and a half hoursaway.
He was dramatically differentevery time he came home.
I remember the first time Icould see the outlines of his
shoulder bones through his nowbaggy shirt, as he sat in his
chair in our living room Inearly May he received a
treatment that we were allexcited about.

(04:06):
The doctors gave us hopeful newsthat they thought we had bought
him at least another year oflife.
All his levels looked good andthey were excited about this new
treatment.
So we had a party to celebrate.
During that party we had abarbecue, most of my eight
siblings were in town and hebeat everybody in poker.
But that night, as everyone wasgetting ready to go to bed, his

(04:32):
body crashed and he slippedinto a coma that he wouldn't
come out of.
Our parish priest came into thehospital and he administered
last rites to my dad, and wespent the next three days just
waiting and seeing how thingswould progress.
It was a really difficult timefor us.
We had neighbors come and visitus.
For the most part we werestretched to our emotional
limits.
We cried a lot.

(04:52):
We were anxious about whatwould happen.
We just waited.
There were some events thathappened during these days that
were oddly consoling.
On the second day I was down inthe parking lot with some of my
brothers who were smoking somecigarettes, just trying to take
the edge off and talk about whatwas going on.

(05:13):
And as we were sitting there, ahuge white crane walked up to
us.
It approached us very slowlyand just looked at us.
It was only a few feet fromwhere we were standing and after
about 30 seconds it slowlyopened its wings and turned and
flew away.
None of us really said anything, we just sat there and watched.

(05:35):
Then later that night aroundmidnight I was in my father's
hospital room and there werefireworks going on all night.
He ended up passing the next dayon Cinco de Mayo.
So these were Cinco de Mayofireworks, but looking at it in
hindsight, it seemed a fittingcelebration to a life that was

(05:55):
very storied.
So the morning after thesefireworks the doctors told my
mom that there was nothing elsethat they could do for him.
His organs were failing and theonly thing keeping him alive
was the machines and she shouldthink about shutting them off
and letting him go.
She wasn't really ready to dothat, but she prayed and she sat
with him for some time and thenshe came and told all of my

(06:16):
siblings and I that we could allhave some time with him to say
our own goodbyes.
So we all came in and did thatand that took some hours and at
the end of that we all came intogether and sat around him
Without shutting off themachines.
He peacefully passed hispassing, left my family in some
real turmoil.

(06:36):
We were in debt.
My mother immediately needed tostart working 60 to 80 hours a
week.
We had a vehicle repossessed.
We had a lot of anxiety aboutwhat we were going to be able to
do and how we were going to getthrough all of this.
I was a sophomore in high school.
My older brother was a senior,so he was getting ready to leave
for school.
It was just a great time ofupheaval.
A senior, so he was gettingready to leave for school.

(06:59):
It was just a great time ofupheaval.
He was such a strong characterin our family.
His absence left a huge void.
He was, for better or worse,the guiding force in the family
and without him I definitelyfelt aimless At this point in my
life.
Although we had been attendingmass regularly, I had a very
weak foundation in my faith.
I didn't know God, and so atthis, regularly, I had a very
weak foundation in my faith, Ididn't know God, and so at this

(07:20):
point I started to rebel.
I rejected the advice of myolder siblings who were trying
to help me figure out what.
I should do in my life.
I also rejected God.
I made the conscious choice tofind my own way and to figure
things out for myself.
Conscious choice to find my ownway and to figure things out

(07:40):
for myself.
It was the beginning of aseven-year period of the worst
sin in my life.
We were a pretty good familyand I grew up a pretty good kid.
At this time, though, with thepain that I was experiencing, I
just felt myself very stronglydrawn by the world, by the flesh
, into the party scene, Anythingthat would really help me to
satisfy the ache that I wasexperiencing.
I was in a lot of pain.
These things gave me somereprieve from that, and so that

(08:05):
continued into my college years.
At the end of that, when I was23, taking a little bit of a
slow journey through college,one of my close friends and
myself at the same time startedto feel very dissatisfied with
this life.
We were definitely experiencinga real emptiness.
We together started reflectingthat there had to be more than

(08:26):
what we were experiencing in thethings that we were doing, and
around this time I had a momentwhere God started to speak to me
very quietly, had a momentwhere God started to speak to me
very quietly and I didn'treally know what to do with this
because at this point I was notreally practicing my faith.
I certainly was not readingscripture at all, I was not
making any effort to pray, I hadjust continued that conscious

(08:50):
rejection of him.
But I felt him speak to me veryclearly in my heart, as I was
discerning what I was going todo as I graduated college, that
he had a plan for me.
I didn't know what to do withthat.
I had never thought of Godhaving a plan for me.
The things that I was thinkingof were they were good things.
I was thinking of law school,thinking of getting an MBA,

(09:13):
thinking of becoming an officerin the military All good things
but I didn't know what to dowith this question.
So I start wrestling with thisAround.
This time, as I'm wrestling withthis, I go to mass with one of
my brothers.
After mass we're driving home.
He had the rosary on in the carfor his daughter.
Unfortunately, he fell asleepat the wheel and we went into

(09:36):
oncoming traffic and we had apretty violent crash.
Our four-door sedan hit anF-150 on about a 45-mile-an-hour
two-lane road.
I remember it happening in slowmotion, with the car spinning
and looking at my brother duringthe crash.
But afterwards we get out andthere's this odd piece that was
kind of inexplicable.

(09:56):
You know, my niece was notcrying, Nobody was hurt not in
our car, not in their car and Ifelt this presence that seemed
to me that there was some kindof intervention from Our Lady.
So at this point, with what Iwas experiencing, with wondering
about this voice that hadsuggested a plan for my life, I

(10:17):
decide that I'm going to openthe door to God to see what he
does have for me.
And so I go back to school Forthe first weekend of the
semester.
I go to the student mass.
After mass they announce thatthere's going to be a social.
So I go and I start askingaround.
You know, hey, I want to getinvolved, I want to do something
.
I don't know what to do.
I don't know what I'm doinghere, but what can I do?

(10:39):
Who can I talk to?
And eventually somebody directsme to a missionary.
This missionary invites me intoa Bible study that, over the
next three months, would be veryinstrumental in changing my
life.
In this Bible study, it was thefirst time in my life, really,
that I started to get to knowmen who were trying to strive
after a life of virtue and alife in Christ.

(11:01):
I started to experiencefellowship with them.
I started to learn so muchabout my faith and experience
God's Word piercing my heart ona weekly basis in the Scriptures
.
I started to enter into a lifethat was more full than what I
had experienced before, andthese men invited me to go on a
retreat about two months afterthis Bible study had started.
On the retreat, I was able tohave a very beautiful and

(11:25):
powerful encounter with God, inboth in confession and then in
adoration, which was really thefirst time that I had
experienced him as a father andthat I had experienced his love
for me.
After this night of reallybeautiful prayer, they gave us a
few hours on the last day ofthe retreat to be alone with him
and with Scripture.

(11:46):
At this point I'm still not sofamiliar with Scripture, so I'm
not so sure where to turn.
Thankfully, they had provided atopical bookmark that had a lot
of different suggestions fordifferent verses.
You know, if you want to prayabout peace, pray with this.
If you want to pray about love,pray with this verse, and I was
drawn very strongly to thetheme of hope.
So I turned to the verse thatthey recommended, and it was

(12:10):
Jeremiah 29.
There out in the woods, my eyesfell to the words, for I know
the plans I have for you, saysthe Lord plans for welfare and
not for evil, to give you afuture and a hope.
These words just finally brokethrough.
God was telling me again thathe had a plan for me and that

(12:45):
his plan was good, and he wasinviting me to seek him with all
of my heart.
In that moment I prayed from myheart to him, going back to that
initial decision that I hadmade to do things my own way and
figure things out for myself.
And I just told him, God, I'mso tired of doing that and I see
so clearly that all that hasdone for me is dug a deeper and

(13:09):
deeper hole for myself and ithas just damaged myself and
damaged others, and I'm so tiredof that.
I don't want to do it anymore.
I just want to follow you.
I just want to be in your planfor my life and I will do
whatever you want me to do.
So I gave him everything inthat moment.
I surrendered my life to himand I promised him that I would

(13:31):
constantly pursue his will in mylife, no matter what, and I
just asked him that he woulddirect me along the way Every
day.
After this point I started justtrying to live, that.
I tried to offer a prayer ofsurrender every day.
I tried to start to center mylife around him in the
sacraments and continue to growin these good relationships and

(13:51):
just ask him Lord, lead me,guide me into that plan.
A couple months after this, themissionary invited me to discern
becoming a missionary myself.
I didn't really know what thatlife would look like, but in
discernment I did decide to goand apply in an interview to
become a missionary.
Ultimately, the thought ofbeing able to help another

(14:14):
person experience God and cometo know Him, the way that the
other missionary had helped me,was enough for me to say yes.
The other missionary had helpedme was enough for me to say yes
Right after I accept this roleas a missionary.
But before I begin, I had amoment driving in the car and
I'm just reflecting oneverything that has happened in
these last six months becauseGod has completely changed my
life.

(14:34):
I have a memory from mychildhood where there was always
something that stuck with mefrom a gospel that I heard in
mass when I was a kid.
It was the parable of thetalents.
Ever since I heard it in mass,I was always afraid of wasting
my talents.
I wanted to make the best useof what God had given me in my
life for him, and this came backto me time and time again.

(14:57):
It was sometimes very difficultfor me to figure out what I
wanted to do, because I didn'twant to waste anything and I'm a
kind of guy who likeseverything.
I can sometimes pick things upeasily and I wanted to be able
to use it all.
So the idea of likespecializing was a nightmare to
me.
But in this moment I'm drivingand reflecting on everything and
it's like my whole life was apuzzle that was thrown up in the

(15:18):
air and was a jumble.
But then it all snapped intoplace at once and God gave me
this moment of clarity where Isaw that everything that he had
given me everything about myintellect, everything about all
my skills, all my desire forrelationship and my ability to
love people it all could be usedfor his glory and for his

(15:40):
kingdom in this life as amissionary, and so that gave me
a tremendous amount of joy andpeace and really excitement for
what life I was about to begin.
I began that and over the next14 years I saw that unfold in
ways that I could never havedreamed would be possible, and
in all of that I've definitelyexperienced the goodness of

(16:02):
God's plans.
One of the greatest blessingsthroughout this whole time has
been that I met my wife, andwe've been blessed with now five
amazing children.
Very recently, in spiritualdirection, my director suggested
that I pray with the theme ofGod's providence.
One of the verses that he gaveme was from the Gospel of

(16:24):
Matthew.
Are not sparrows sold?
Two for a penny, and yet it isimpossible for one of them to
fall to the ground without yourheavenly Father's will.
And as for you, he takes everyhair of your head into his
reckoning.
Do not be afraid, then youcount.
For as I prayed with this verse,I was brought back to that

(16:49):
moment on that hunting trip,when I shot the sparrow and it
fell to the ground.
What God was showing me wasthat his will was there from the
very beginning.
He was providing for me as afather that whole time.
He knew that right after thismy dad would become terminally
ill.
He knew the suffering that myfamily would be going through

(17:12):
over the next years.
He knew the life of sin that Iwould be plunging myself into.
That sparrow did not fall tothe ground without his will.
It wasn't his will that I wouldsin, but I realized that even in
the death of my father and thesuffering that came, his will
was for our good.
Even in the sin that I was in,he was working his will in my

(17:36):
life.
He was using everything to drawme back to himself, to draw me
into the plan that he had for me, which is so good.
And it was such a consolingmoment of prayer to look back
and see everything that hadhappened and to realize that he
was, from the beginning, drawingme into his plan in his
providence and he was providingalong the way, his grace in

(18:00):
every moment.
And he was providing along theway, his grace in every moment.
I stand now just very gratefulfor all of the ways that he has
led me and continues to lead me.
But that is still my prayerevery day today to surrender to
him and to try to trust that hisplans are good for me, for my
family, and to try to moveforward into them every day.

Speaker 1 (18:25):
John, that was incredible.
I think it's beautiful andsurprising how God will continue
to use very particular momentsfrom our past life to lead to a
place of deeper understandingand trust in the future, like
the example that you gave aboutthe sparrow.
Thank you for sharing aboutyour journey through grief and
loss.
I thought it was so powerfulhearing you describe both that

(18:47):
period of wandering as well asthe way that the Lord just
worked so clearly to call youback home.
Thank you all so much forlistening and we hope to see you
next week.