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September 2, 2025 15 mins

In this episode of Unwritten, Trevor Barreca sits down with Ben Kelly to talk about how a profound personal tragedy led him to discover a deeper, more present God in the midst of his deepest sorrow.Whether you're wrestling with suffering, questioning God's love, or simply seeking to deepen your faith, this conversation will offer inspiration and insight into finding divine presence even when answers seem impossible.

What You’ll Hear:

  • Ben’s journey from an "idyllic and beautiful life" to a life-altering moment of suffering with the loss of his girlfriend, Molly, which shattered his perception of a loving God.
  • The pivotal moment at a SEEK conference where Ben encountered the "shortest line in scripture, Jesus wept," realizing that the answer to his pain was not an explanation but Jesus's own sorrow and presence.
  • The transformative impact of persistent, gratuitous kindness from a FOCUS missionary named Mike, whose unwavering love and support showed Ben that he was not alone and ultimately led him back to God.


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Transcript

Episode Transcript

Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:05):
Welcome to Unwritten, a podcast dedicated to sharing stories the
movement of the Holy Spirit in the world.
Today I'm your host, Trevor Baraka, and on today's episode
we're getting to hear from Ben Kelly.
I want to invite you to subscribe to the show.
As we're getting started today, we're going to continue to share
week after week after week thesestories of what God is doing in
the world. And we sincerely want you to be

(00:27):
some of the first to hear about it when we post and share these
stories so that you can be inspired to continue to see what
God is doing in your life and bring others to an awareness of
what God is doing in their life by sharing the show.
I love to read books and as of the last few years of my life,
I've kind of re picked up this love for fiction specifically.
And one of my favorite books I've read is Island of the World

(00:48):
by Michael O'Brien, which is an incredible book.
It's one of the most gripping stories I've ever read and it
gets you early on in the book because you watch the
protagonist who has this idyllicand beautiful life.
Fall to to. Great tragedy very quickly in
the story and what makes the book particularly hard to put
down as you watch him go throughsome of life's deepest questions

(01:08):
as he suffers and journeys towards God.
In today's episode, Ben shares about the path to his dream life
and then a life altering moment of suffering and the journey
back to God's heart that took place as a result.
Welcome to the show and listening A.
Few weeks after my 18th birthday, I made the seven hour

(01:30):
drive out to Cambridge, MA and moved in for my freshman year at
Harvard. And in no way did I feel like I
had earned that or deserved it. But honestly, at the time, it,
it did feel kind of like a logical next step in the life
that I had been given up until that point.

(01:50):
I grew up with two just incredible parents, 4 amazing
younger siblings and an amazing network.
Beyond that, I mean, great coaches, great teachers, a great
little parish in my hometown. And there was something very
idyllic about it. And so getting into Harvard and
having this experience of getting to move in as a

(02:12):
freshman, there was a certain like, yeah, this is this is how
life supposed to go. And I was expecting a lot of
what followed in those coming weeks, meeting people from all
over the world, having these kind of once in a lifetime
opportunities, signing up for a million different clubs, trying
out for the baseball team, not making it, but hey, it's OK

(02:34):
because that means I can do this.
All of those things I was kind of expecting, but there were two
things that happened my freshmanyear that I could not have
really accounted for beforehand.The first was that just a few
days into that freshman year, I met the focus missionaries
standing outside Saint Paul's Catholic Church and the Harvard

(02:56):
Catholic Center. And I had actually met someone,
maybe a missionary or two, when I had visited Harvard after
getting at my senior year of high school.
But it was all such a blur that it had kind of faded from my
memory. But as I met them again and met
one in particular named Mike, something immediately struck me
about their joy, something different from any Catholics

(03:20):
that I honestly ever met before.And them being so close to my
age, but so full of life and just so excited to be Catholic.
So I soon was hanging out with the missionaries all the time.
I remember the first invitation was to play dodgeball and then
go paintballing and all sorts ofthings that I I wouldn't have
linked back to the faith. But soon I was even entering

(03:40):
into Bible study, into discipleship, going to daily
mass adoration, things that I'd heard of but had never really
considered for myself. And I really did.
I, I'd always thought the, the faith was maybe more like a,
like a pool or a pond. And they took me scuba diving
into, into the ocean that our faith really is.

(04:01):
So that was one thing going on that I didn't expect my freshman
year. The next thing was in January of
that freshman year, my girlfriend, all the cancer that
she had dealt with earlier on months or or years before came
back with a vengeance. And this had been something I

(04:24):
had known was a possibility, butI think I had blocked it out of
my mind. And so for my whole spring
semester, my girlfriend who growing up, we had been in plays
together, We'd gone to the same Paris, we'd LED vacation Bible
school together, and this friendship had eventually
blossomed into her being my first romantic relationship.
But all of a sudden, it took an enormous turn.

(04:45):
And there was this huge juxtaposition between I'm
growing in my faith, I'm really seeing God, I think being active
in my daily life, but at the same time, one of the people
that I've been closest to in my whole life, I'm watching suffer
in an unimaginable way. And that continued through that
year, through the summer, until I actually made the decision not

(05:09):
to return for my sophomore fall of college because it became
clear that she was probably in her final days.
In my mind, though, I was still holding on to to something of
if, if this God, who I've been taught about this whole year, if
he really is who these missionaries say he is.

(05:30):
These priests say he is who everybody says he is, that then
he couldn't let this happen to Molly.
But I just a few weeks later after I made that decision,
Molly passed away and I was justcrushed.

(05:50):
That idyllic world that I had inhabited for those 1st 19 years
or so of my life, it just felt like that bubble was popped or
something deep beneath the the foundation collapsed.
And I didn't stop believing in God, but I stopped believing in
a God who loved me, or at least who loves me in a way.

(06:13):
I wanted to be loved. And so many people were were so
present in that time. Molly's family was so
beautifully present to me. My family, my best friend
growing up, so many different people did their best to
accompany me, to be with me, butthere was still something that
that just felt broken deep inside me and something I didn't

(06:33):
know how to move past. And as those months went by, I,
I kind of continued in that thought that I just don't really
think God loves me and I didn't really want anything to do with
him. Besides all those people that I
named though, there there was one more person who who came
really powerfully into my life in that time.
And that was MM had been a greatmissionary my whole freshman

(06:56):
year. And I had left for for home
after my freshman year with a real gratitude for his
friendship. But I didn't expect at all what
was going to happen over the course of that that next year.
So the first sign of this was just a few days after Molly
passed away on the morning of her funeral.
I walked in still just so rockedby everything that had happened

(07:17):
and no one had told me this was going to happen.
But Mike and the entire focus team that year, as well as many
of my friends amongst the students had driven the seven
hour drive to be at her funeral.They didn't tell me they were
coming. They just came.
Apparently they rallied a crew, they drove out, they got there

(07:38):
and then they, they drove back after each giving me a hug.
And that moment of just their gratuitous kindness, that
generosity that that planted a seed in that time.
And what continued to, to help that seed grow was that every
week or two throughout that semester, and like I said, my,
my family, they're doing their best, Molly's family, so many

(07:59):
different people in my life. But this guy that, that I just
met this guy, what I still was alittle bit mystified by this guy
Mike. He just kept calling me and
checking in. He would call.
And sometimes all I had for him were were kind of tears or or
anger, confusion, frustration. Sometimes I was able to

(08:20):
articulate myself a little bit more.
But Mike never really tried to convince me of anything.
He never tried to walk back any of the statements I was making
about God or about where I was at now.
He just listened and he loved me.
And I will say, I continued to think that God really doesn't
love me. But by the end of that semester,

(08:41):
I can honestly say, even if I didn't think God loved me, I, I
knew that Mike loved me. I knew that my family loved me.
I knew that these people love me.
And I knew this guy Mike, I knewthat he loved me.
And that set the scene for an invitation that Mike made right
at the end of that semester. He said there was some money
leftover from from fundraising that they wanted to go to me if

(09:05):
I was interested in coming to SEEK, our annual conference that
was going to be in Nashville, TNthat year.
And I went not because of anything he told me about Seek,
not about the the speakers, not for the amazing number of people
that would be there, not for mass or adoration or whatever.

(09:26):
I, I went because of him. I went because of those friends
that had made that drive for Molly's funeral.
And that was all God needed. So a few days into the
conference, I'm, I'm hearing allthese beautiful things and maybe
something's starting to reawakenwithin me, but I still just, I
wanted to keep that door slammedshut.

(09:49):
I wanted to keep that door to a relationship with God slammed
because it just didn't seem likethere was an answer to that
question. It didn't seem like there was a
real response. God, where were you in this?
God, what are you doing here? God, how does this fit into your
plan? And a friend mentioned to me it

(10:10):
might be worth praying with Jesus at Lazarus's tomb.
It might be worth praying with this moment that apparently I
just skipped over in that previous year, starting with
Bible studies or listening at Mass.
I had never really dwelt on on this one moment, but as Jesus

(10:31):
approaches Lazarus's tomb, before he calls him out, before
he raises him from the dead, theshortest line in Scripture,
Jesus wept. And I read that I read that on
that middle day of Sikh and it struck me.
I had never considered that maybe Jesus, the way that he was
with me was was that he was weeping with me.

(10:53):
Maybe the answer to my pain and and suffering and to Molly's
death and, and to everything. It wasn't a neat and tidy
phrase. It wasn't as much an explanation
as it was him, as it was his presence, as it was his own
sorrow. And I said, OK, maybe that's
true, but I, I hadn't had any other signs of that.

(11:16):
So I, I asked God, I said, please show me, please show me
if this is real, please show me.And I went to adoration, our big
middle of seek adoration. And I earnestly prayed for the
first time in months, and I still to this moment just
remember so viscerally this experience of watching the

(11:37):
monstrance with the Eucharist init placed on the altar.
And just immediately the only real tangible experience I think
I've had of the Holy Spirit, like a physical, bodily
experience. And the experience was of that
sorrow of Jesus weeping. But for the first time, it, it
wasn't just tears of bitterness.It wasn't just tears of

(12:01):
confusion. It wasn't just tears of anger.
It was a SAR that was filled with his presence.
It was a SAR that I, I knew I was not alone in.
And I, I actually ran out of, out of the, the Conference
Center. I, I couldn't say I was sobbing
so loud. I was not prepared for this
moment. And so I, I ran out and, and

(12:23):
needed some time to process. But over the course of the next
24 hours or so, I, I just stayed, I said that that
presence just remained with me. So at the encouragement of a few
friends, I, I went back. I went back to confession and I
just poured out my heart. Everything, all of this, this
anger, all of this confusion, all the ways that I'd turned

(12:44):
away from God in this time, all of my sin, but mostly just my
desire to try again. My desire to trust God to
believe that he did love me, even if I still didn't have any
neat and tidy answers. That I, I had him and that if it
was really him in the Eucharist,if it's really him on the cross,
then that's what I want. In fact, not only is that what I

(13:04):
want, that's the only answer that could possibly satisfy is
the God of the universe dying for us?
Ryan's rising for us, himself, President in the Eucharist.
And the whole trajectory of my life changed.
And honestly ever since then, it's not like it's just been a
straight line since then, but every day I think back to that
moment. Every holy hour, every time I'm

(13:26):
a mass or adoration, I think back to if that's really you
Lord, then this is the only thing that makes sense.
And that's why I became a missionary 2 years later.
That's why I was on a retreat even a few months after Sikh
when I met my now wife, she who is wrestling with some of the

(13:48):
same questions and coming to open her heart to some of those
same answers. And for us and our our family
now we have 4 children, Eliza and I.
What we want to imitate is the way that Jesus loves us and the
way that Mike loved me. That for people who might feel
so far from God, who might really feel so far away from

(14:11):
believing in a God who loves them, that they're not that far
from believing and knowing that we love them.
And that's what focus is all about.
That's what our family is all about.
And that's what I've come to find evangelization is all
about. And I thank God every day that
Mike was there to show me that even when we feel that God

(14:33):
doesn't love us, that the power of one person loving us can can
transform a life. Thank you so much, Ben, for
opening up your story with us today.
And what's extraordinary about this story is just the impact of
the persistence of Mike's love for you.
The continued investment he madein you even as you left sight
and mind really struck me. And it was a good reminder for

(14:54):
me. And I'm sure all of us you know
who listened to Take Initiative,being persistent in our
friendship and support of peoplein our lives would be would be
greatly blessed by that friendship.
If this story reminded you of someone today who you think
could use your friendship, I'd invite you just share this story
with them and let them know thatyou want to continue pursuing
them an ongoing friendship and continue drawing them back to

(15:17):
the love of Jesus Christ. Thanks so much for listening and
we hope to see you next week.
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