September 24, 2024 • 43 mins
Welcome back! We are talking this week about covering in a marriage. What covering are you providing for your spouse and family?
Have the best week! Enjoy the journey!
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
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(00:00):
Hello and welcome back to another episode of Upfront and Undivided with Luke and Dean'na.
(00:13):
Hi.
Hi.
How's it going?
It's good.
I was looking over, you saw me.
I did.
You were like, what are you looking at, babe?
I'm literally looking at your book, Strength Finders, thinking, I need to read that.
And then I was looking at your devotional on the floor, The Hero's Journey, and I was
like, oh, I wonder how that's going or if that's going.
(00:33):
It's not.
It's not?
It's not.
Okay.
That's okay.
I haven't touched it.
Okay.
I'm going to grab that book though.
Yeah.
Because I was thinking that I know that we bought some books and I need to start doing
some reading and strategizing and developing my skill sets and things like that.
(00:59):
All the big words, all the fancy lingo for when we help people in their relationships.
So but Strength Finder.
And to be ready for when I take the class.
Yes.
Because if you tell me when, I'll make it happen.
I'll sign you up.
We'll get you going.
Yeah, you will.
But yeah, that's what you saw me looking at.
(01:21):
So yeah.
How are you doing?
I'm good.
See, I thought you were looking at Sparks.
Oh, well Sparks is here too.
She was making noise and licking herself.
And then all of a sudden I started talking and she's like, what's going on?
Yeah.
Why is dad talking?
What's going on?
Why are you talking like that, dad?
Yeah.
And she gets to, babe, she gets to, you have news with her.
I do.
She passed her test.
Yay.
(01:42):
So she is, yeah, she's about to get rid of her in training patches and just be regular
service dog patches.
And then we get to do the graduation, you said, like at the end of the month?
No.
Or October?
No, sometime in, I think they're aiming for sometime in November.
Oh, okay.
Is the talk.
Okay.
So yeah.
So that's when the little get recognized and stuff.
(02:05):
Maybe we can borrow your friend's little diploma hat that his dog had, because that was super
cute.
I'm not sure she would go for that though.
Maybe.
I don't know.
And then she's got new jewelry.
I surprised you with new jewelry for her.
So she's got a little dog collar.
Yep.
Or not collar, dog tag.
Dog tag that has her name on it.
And then on the back it says, I'm my person service dog.
(02:27):
If I go missing, please, you know, basically give me back.
Yeah.
So yeah.
Yeah.
Just very sweet.
Which kind of along those lines, I've seen a couple of people that have stickers on the
back of their cars.
Yeah.
And it basically says, a service dog on board.
Oh.
Do not separate from handler.
Wow.
Yeah.
Oh, I love that.
(02:48):
Yeah.
Oh, it makes me think of that reel.
Was it you that sent it or I sent it to you where there was a dog that was chasing an ambulance
and then they finally figured out that it was the person's dog that was trying to be
with the owner.
Gosh, that's so sweet.
I like that.
Maybe we need to get one of those for you.
That would be sweet.
Oh, it's your, it's your.
(03:10):
Your person.
She's not a person, but she's a person.
And she's her and I are starting to become more.
We like each other more.
Yes.
Where before it seemed like there was a little bit of a competition and I'm like, listen,
girlfriend, she's understanding her place and that's good.
She's sweet.
So we have not been here for two, almost three weeks, three weeks.
(03:36):
So hi guys.
Hi.
So do we want to kind of get a quick update about maybe what's been going on in our lives?
I think so.
Yeah.
Okay.
It's like, I hate to use the excuse of life happened, but you know what?
Life happened.
I think, I think, and I don't know if I've said this before, but I think when we say
this because even in the real, like me and the girls, we have taken a little bit of a
(03:59):
hiatus and said that, you know, life is happening.
I think what it does is it gives people permission to reprioritize because this is another thing
of we don't want to.
It's not a thing of we're getting lazy.
It's a thing of when things get a little extra and there's a lot happening, then we give
(04:25):
you permission to reprioritize.
And if, if this podcast happens to be the thing that gets to be put on the back burner,
then that then so be it because our family comes first.
Our mental health comes first.
Our, our wellbeing, just baseball.
We got all of it.
Just everything's we're kind of in the thick of everything.
(04:45):
Just celebrated.
There was a family vacation.
There was about to be a family funeral.
Yeah.
Yeah.
School started.
School started.
Baseball started again.
Our beautiful girl turned 20.
Yeah.
Birthdays, all the things.
That's where the family vacation came in.
But yeah, just a lot of, a lot of everything.
Yeah.
And, and just, and in the process, some physical health, some mental health.
(05:10):
Yeah.
Just all of it.
Just all of it.
And, and it's okay to say, Hey, I'm shooting off a flare or I'm just putting a quick little
pause right here.
I even suggested to you, Hey babe, do we just want to take a second?
And you were like, Nope, because then we'll stop.
And then we will try to, it'll be hard to get back on the train.
(05:30):
So we appreciate you guys being patient with us, but yeah, I lost, I lost my stepsister.
Is that, what is this babe?
Like when was that?
Is it a week ago?
A week ago?
Yes.
A week ago.
Actually, yes.
A week ago, 12 at 12 something.
(05:50):
My nephew made the hard decision of basically saying, taking her off life support.
Let's take her off life support because she would not be able to breathe on her own.
And that's no way of living.
And so unfortunately at the age of 59, which is insanely young, you know, my sister now
(06:11):
gets to walk out of this world and walk right into the arms of Jesus.
And then we just came across yesterday was our beautiful girl's 20th birthday.
It's also the anniversary of Papa Charlie's death.
And that came up on my memories.
(06:31):
And it was like, just taking that time to just kind of, sometimes you got to give yourself
space to feel.
And I would say that you, the kids, friends, really close friends, good friends have been
giving me a chance to just feel.
And then you are, today was your first day in your new position as far as a project at
(06:56):
work.
And that is now officially has been, it has been, it's not even it is, but it has been
consuming your brain.
And so now we get to just stand back and say, okay, father, how would you like to move forward
on this?
And so we, we're back.
So we're here.
(07:16):
We're here.
A lot is happening.
And again, we just, you know, it's okay.
It's okay to just say, Hey, there's days where you have to trudge through.
And then there's other days where you have to say, no time out.
I'm going to take a quick break, but I promise I'll be right back.
Cause I mean, in a way that's kind of what we were going to talk about today.
(07:39):
I'm going to, I'm going to throw out the title real quick or at least the working title.
And then I'm going to kind of explain some more, or at least kind of talk some more.
But it's like, I keep wanting to call this like the covering.
Okay.
It's like, I know that it doesn't really, it does, but it doesn't really encompass what
(07:59):
we want to talk about.
But I kind of want to talk about it, you know, because real quick, it's like, you know, us
being married, you know, we are covering each other, you know, it's, you know, in a way,
especially as me, as the husband, as the father, as the head of the house, it's that, that
covering is, you know, mandated by God basically, you know, that's, that's the role that I get
(08:23):
to step into.
Those are the duties that I get to assume.
Yeah.
Um, you know, and, and I, for this thing from, I am not complaining.
I would not take it back for the world.
Um, you know, but it's, it's a reality.
It's something that I get to do.
And as, as much as I want to excel at everything that I put my hand in my mind to, um, you
(08:53):
know, I told you just a little while ago, I mean, we went for a walk earlier and I told
you, it's like, there are days, a lot, a lot of days lately, I feel like I'm just surviving.
Yeah.
You know, it's like, I'm still doing what I need to do, but barely.
Yeah.
It's like, you know, it's like, when you go to, you know, get the, the progress report
(09:13):
for your kids, you know, at school, it's like, you know, meets expectations, you know, it's
like, I'm meeting expectations, you know, I'm not, I'm not surpassing, but right now
I am meeting expectations.
Yeah.
You know, I'm at a three and a five.
Yeah.
So, um, you know, but it's like, as much as I want to get down on myself for that, it's
(09:33):
like, I also want to say it's okay, as long as that's not where you're at always.
Correct.
Correct.
You know, if, if, if, if there are moments, if, you know, hopefully they're as short as
possible, but you know, if there are seasons where so much is going on, that that's where
(09:54):
you're at, it's like, I think again, it's kind of like you said earlier, it's like people
need that permission to, it's okay to, you know, I don't want to say it's okay to be
in survival mode because that's not good, but just like, you know, to be meeting the
standard.
Yeah.
You know, it's okay for, you know, if stuff's going on and it's like, I am meeting the standard,
(10:18):
you know, it's like, I'm a horrible parent.
My kids didn't get out of the PJs or brush their hair today.
It's like, you know what?
That would be our son.
That would be our son today.
Yeah.
And it's, it's okay because he didn't have school.
Correct.
You know, we didn't really have anywhere we needed to go today.
No.
You know, I work from home, you being a sub, you didn't have school today, obviously, you
(10:40):
know, you didn't have any clients to go clean today.
Right.
You know, so it's like, we were home.
I had a doctor appointment, but that was it.
Yeah.
Yeah.
You had a doctor appointment, but, but you know, for the most part we are a home.
Yeah.
Even our daughter got a chance to just, everybody was just home today, which was nice.
I mean, even me working from home, I was basically in PJs.
Yes.
I'm going to have to up my game because they do a lot of video calls in this new position.
(11:04):
I'm like, oh man, you're going to make me work for this.
We're going to need to get you, I've already determined this, we're going to need to get
you just a really nice looking Zippa Pudding.
Yeah.
It can't be your little cutoff one.
It's going to be, we're going to need to get you like a Mr. Rogers kind of Zippa Pudding.
Yeah.
Like a cardigan or like a, like a quarter zip.
Don't you have one?
(11:26):
Don't we have one in the closet somewhere?
I think I got rid of them.
Okay.
Well then we need to get you another one.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Cause a lot of times I don't like quarter zips cause they mess with my beard.
I will say let's get you just a cardigan that you can just throw it over even if it's just
a t-shirt and it will literally just dress you up just enough.
I think that would be nice.
Yeah.
(11:46):
I think so.
We get to go shopping.
I know where to go.
Sorry.
You know, but again, it is, it's, it's so it's, you know, we didn't do anything above
and beyond, you know, but again, you know, it's kids were fed.
Yeah.
(12:07):
We're taken care of those getting paid.
Yeah.
We, we worked.
Yes.
You know, we, we did what we needed to do today.
Yeah.
Rested from the weekend.
We rested from the weekend.
We had birthday parties and we had family and we had, we've been busy.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
And it's, and it's I, in the words of literally God and in the words of like my sweet brother,
(12:30):
like it is good to have a day of rest.
You just, you have to, you just have to take that time to recharge.
Ours just happens to land on it depending on the week.
It depends on the day.
Yeah.
And I am grateful that today got to be a day just to kind of like laundry and got things
done and cleaned up from the party and just the stuff.
(12:52):
But it was, and like you said, and you got to meet your new coworkers and you got to
meet people and it's, but it's been a very, not even laid back, I think an easy day.
It's been a very nice day.
It has been a very nice day.
Yeah.
Yeah.
And I understand the, sometimes you get stuck in that space.
(13:17):
There's I would consider some, some places are ruts, ruts or something you have to like,
you have to be very intentional not to get yourself out of.
And then I believe that there's other seasons of our lives where we, we have to, it's, it's
okay for us to kind of take a breath.
Like when people talk about the race of life, right?
(13:38):
It's not a sprint, it's a marathon and you have to have a cadence to that at times.
And sometimes your cadence seems mundane and sometimes it seems like it's just, or it's,
you know, I feel like I'm trudging literally through mud.
What do I do?
I saw a meme and it said, a dear person reading this, if all you did today was wake up and
(14:03):
breathe, good job.
You know, because you're taking the time, even if it's just that time to say, okay,
I'm having to re, I'm going to have to rework some stuff now.
I'm working with new people or I have a new schedule or maybe my health isn't quite what
it needs to be.
I need to start doing some things to help better.
(14:24):
I need to, you know, and it's like, strategizing, learning how to re strategize certain parts
of your life.
And I believe I do babe with everything in me.
I believe that that's the season that we're in right now.
It's re strategizing, finding out what that next step is.
And there are some things that are just every day and they're just going to be every day.
(14:47):
Our beautiful girl, she unfortunately sometimes gets caught up in, you know, the next big
thing.
And it's like, sweetheart, it's just that it's the everyday, it's the everyday disciplines.
It's the everyday getting in your word.
It's the everyday going outside.
It's the everyday choices.
It's the everyday choices.
You know, it's the, you know, it is, it's the, it's the choice to get up in the morning.
(15:11):
It's the choice to, you know, get dressed, you know, even if, even her who pretty much
has a uniform, you know, she doesn't get to really pick what she wears for the day.
Which in my mind, I'm like, thank you Jesus for that.
Right?
Yes.
See, she could do it.
Yes.
Yes, she could.
You know, but, you know, it's, it's the choice to, you know, I'm going to get dressed.
(15:36):
I'm going to, you know, wash my face, I'm going to do my hair.
I'm going to, you know, drive safe, I'm going to, you know, the choice to leave on time.
Yes.
You know, it's, it's all these little choices.
And that's, you know, I think that's what it is is a lot of it is, it's the little choices.
It's the little choices we make.
even as the covering, to kind of go back to that,
(16:02):
because part of our conversation earlier was
with that covering, and it's like,
as much as my covering goes over our family,
it almost feels like your covering goes
almost like under or through our family.
I'd agree with that.
You know, it's like, I know sometimes they talk about how,
(16:24):
yes, the man is the head of the household,
but the woman is the thermostat, you know, type thing.
And it's like, that does, that helps make sense,
because the covering under or through,
it's like, it helps tell the temperature of the family.
It helps tell the mood of the family.
I mean, so often when something is going on,
you're the one that's like, you know,
hey, I know you didn't catch this,
(16:45):
but here's what's going on right now in the house.
Okay, cool.
And it's not because I don't pay attention,
it's just because I don't pick up on some of those signals,
or I'm not hearing those conversations
that they'll come to you and have.
You know, it's like, okay, you know, it's like,
I'm here to steer the ship, and you're, you know,
doing the trim or something like that, you know?
(17:05):
And it's, but it's like,
I think it's important to remember in marriage,
you know, in a marriage, in this relationship,
that because I'm providing the covering
that I'm providing, you're able to provide
(17:26):
what you're providing.
Correct.
You know, it's, you know, because we had a conversation
of, you know, for six, seven years, you were a single mom.
Yeah, yeah.
And as much as nowadays, I know that you can do things,
you truly appreciate that you don't have to.
I don't have to, yeah.
You know, or, you know, or it's like, you know,
(17:49):
when I went to Puerto Rico for 45 days
for that deployment, you know, it was like,
even though I wasn't home physically,
doing and being what I am,
because we had that connection,
I was still able to spiritually,
and in a way financially also, provide that covering
(18:13):
so that you could continue in who and what you are
and what you've been designed to be.
Yes.
So all of a sudden, it wasn't like, okay, well,
okay, we're married, married, married for 45 days,
you're a single mom, and we're married again.
Right, right.
You know, it was just, it was seamless.
Right, because there's, you got that spiritual tie,
(18:37):
is what's going on there, and it was like,
when we were talking about it, because again,
it was something, it was a conversation
that had been brought up, and it was,
the person that we were talking to basically was saying,
you know, like, they're gone all the time,
so I feel like I could do this by myself.
(18:57):
And I didn't say this until after we finished talking,
and I was like, okay, I need to make sure
that this is a conversation that I continue to have,
because the revelation came as we are walking,
and I was like, when I was a single mom,
it was hard, right?
(19:18):
It wasn't until I allowed God to become my covering
in that space that life was fairly good for Gabriel and I,
and I really appreciate that our beautiful girl
acknowledges that, that she understands,
because she, even again, it's like every birthday
it seems to bring this up, which is kind of funny to me,
(19:42):
but every birthday she'll say, you know,
I'll always say, Gabriel, like,
you never go without, sweetie, it's constant,
like, you always have, and she says,
I never understood that, Mom,
because I'm decorating the dining room,
getting ready for the family, and Gabriel's talking, right?
And she's like, remember, Mom,
I had all the Justice clothes,
(20:02):
and all my friends wanted to get my clothes
when I started out growing it.
And she was, how did that even happen,
because you were a single mom, and we were struggling,
but I didn't know we were struggling,
and I said, because I did without,
or I would just go to the thrift store,
and I just had the same clothes forever.
I mean, you know, you've seen my closet,
I still have some clothes from forever.
(20:24):
Hey, guess how long I've had this?
Yeah, like, this is back in high school,
like, you know, this is crazy.
So, but it's one of those where, you know,
and just understanding that God being the covering there,
the thing that I did want to say was, because this, you know,
when this person said this, I was standing back,
(20:47):
and I was thinking, I believe that the reason why
you feel so confident in this,
because I very much, listen, I very much encourage them,
no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, don't go down this road,
okay, don't go, trust me from somebody that is in this space,
don't go down this road.
But it's one of those where I believe
(21:07):
that the reason why people,
this is where the enemy comes in,
and he messes with you, because it's like,
so say you have, you know, your spouse is deployed,
or you have a 45 days, your husband is on a completely
different continent, kind of scenario.
You know, every Tuesday through Friday,
(21:30):
they have to fly out of town for work.
That's it, right?
It's like, how do you respond to these things?
You know, do you all of a sudden live your life
footloose, fancy free?
Why do you feel so confident,
even if they're separated out from that space?
Well, it's because of the spiritual covenant
that you have with this person.
(21:50):
Whenever my first marriage, when I was separated out,
number one, I love this term,
somebody actually brought it up to me,
and said, what God has put together,
let no man separate, right?
And so, when they gave me that scripture,
and they said, with my first marriage,
(22:11):
it was on a God situation, so,
God didn't have to follow through
with blessing that marriage, because it wasn't.
Because God didn't put it together.
He didn't put it together.
And I was like, dude, like that's,
I would have to agree with that scenario.
Were there good things?
Yes, but were there not?
(22:32):
Yeah, and so, it's like, when I separated myself from the junk,
and from the stuff, from the sickness,
let me say the sickness, okay,
because it was just, it was bad.
So, when I separated myself from the sickness,
even my own sickness that I had got myself into,
(22:54):
when I finally separated myself,
that's when the blessings came.
That's when, God, did he take care of us
during that period of time?
Yeah, but there was a security.
There was a goodness there that lies there.
And so, I would say, if you are somebody that is,
(23:16):
maybe your spouse does have to take off for work.
Maybe they're doing their best,
and they're doing overtime somewhere,
or they're trying to do whatever,
and then all of a sudden, you're just standing back going,
oh, it's just really peaceful.
I can live without this person, those voices of the enemy.
I want you to stop.
I want you to stop, because part of the thing,
(23:39):
unless there is tremendous amount of something, right?
If there's some things that are needing to be fixed,
if something is, if you're in a scary situation,
by all means, get out of there.
But that's not what we're talking about.
We're talking about something that, you know,
everybody is fine, everything is good.
You might just be hitting, like what you said, baby.
(24:01):
You might be just hitting a space
where it just might be a little bit mundane.
You might feel like you're just surviving.
Or it just might be extra stressors of life.
It's just extra stressors of life.
Just might be a stressful season.
That's it, that's it.
Under, just take a breath.
Like, I think that that's what you and I wanted
to kind of share today.
Like, take a breath.
(24:22):
Take a breath, step back.
Don't be so quick to say the D word.
Don't be so quick to think, ooh, now I'm going to separate.
Or don't be so quick to think that you can do this
all on your own.
Because it is, it's, do, you alluded to it, you said it.
(24:43):
Could I do this by myself with the kids, babe?
Yes.
Do I want to?
Hell no.
Like, no, I don't want to, you know?
Even in our hardest and worst days, and we've had them.
And I'm sure that we'll still have some, right?
Because you're stuck.
Because we're in the world.
We're in the world, and you're stuck with me.
(25:03):
And it's one of those where, for better or for worse.
For sickness and in health, richer or for poor,
all of the things, right?
All of the things.
It's like, you're stuck with me.
And we are going to figure this out.
We're going to step back and say, and not,
(25:25):
I think the number one thing is not point fingers
at each other and go, you should be better.
You should know better.
You're the man of the house.
Well, you're a godly man.
You should, shut up.
Shut up.
Like, because you deal with stressors
that I do not have to deal with.
That I don't have to deal with.
(25:45):
You take on things that I don't have to.
And vice versa.
There are things that I take on that you don't have to.
So that way you can fixate and focus on the things
that you need to.
Stop playing competition.
Stop sitting here trying to say
that one is harder than the other,
or one is less than the other.
(26:06):
And remember that you're on the same team.
And that, because when you told me today,
as we're going for a walk, like you're like,
babe, I just feel like I'm just, I'm just.
Just surviving.
I'm just surviving.
I'm just doing this.
What was it?
First thing that came out of my mouth.
What'd I say, babe?
I don't remember.
You don't remember.
So that's part of my other problem.
(26:28):
It's okay.
It's okay.
I just looked at you and I said,
then what is it that I can do?
What can I do to help?
Yeah.
What can I do?
Is there something that I need to be doing?
Do you need me to, because we do constantly.
You're so gracious.
I am able to, for the most part, be a stay at home mom.
(26:48):
I really am.
I'm a glorified stay at home mom.
That's what I, I just, and I get to go and play.
You're glorified and you're a stay at home mom.
Oh, baby.
Thanks.
But it's one of those where I've said,
do you need me to do something?
Do I need, our children, one is grown-ish
and the other one is, he's pretty good.
(27:10):
Do you need me to go do work somewhere
for all time?
Do I need to do something that will help?
What can I do to relieve the stress?
Do you need me to go, I don't know.
But these are the conversations that Luke and I have,
that you and I have, that I would say that
with you and your spouse, you have it.
What is it that they need from you?
(27:32):
Do they need space?
Do they need time?
Do they need help, more help?
And along with that, it's the loving,
the encouraging, the positive accountability.
Yeah, yeah.
Because this is, because while we shouldn't be,
(27:53):
well this is what you should be doing.
Right.
But it is, it's the holding each other accountable.
When you were taking the course to get your certification
for being a relationship coach, you had X amount of time.
It's like, you were pretty much giving me status updates
almost every day.
So I didn't have to be like, hey babe,
(28:14):
did you work on that chapter today?
So it's like, but you could.
If you hadn't have been already being pro,
if you hadn't already been proactive about it,
that's something that I could do to help you out.
Or like you, every now and then,
hey, have you worked on projects out in the garage yet?
(28:38):
Hey babe, can I buy that tool for you
so that way we can keep moving you forward?
And that's what we do.
That's what you do.
It is, it's being a positive.
It's reminding, I think it's also reminding that person
that you are capable.
(28:59):
Because I believe that the noise in our heads
tells us that, well, maybe I'm not doing the right thing.
Maybe I need to just give up.
Maybe I just, maybe I, you know,
and it's like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
No, no, no, no, no, you're doing great.
You're doing great.
Let's just, let's finish what we've started.
And then, okay, what's the next thing?
(29:20):
And be intentional with time, be intentional with,
okay, you seem a little overwhelmed right now,
or you might seem a little stressed.
Is there something that I can help you with?
Is there something you can drop off your plate?
Is there something that you maybe shouldn't have
picked up in the beginning?
Or is this, or is the season gone?
(29:41):
And now it's time to move on to the next chapter.
What is, it could be a number of things
in a different combination of things.
But don't be so quick to be so judgmental.
Don't be so quick to be so critical of your spouse,
of your loved one, of yourself.
(30:04):
Take the time, because like even at church,
you know, I'm walking through,
and I wasn't super, super close with my stepsister.
Like four decades with being family is a big deal.
Very big deal, don't get me wrong, guys.
She wasn't, you know, it's not like in a constant,
(30:25):
do I, did I cry?
I did cry.
Do I grieve?
I probably will still cry, you know.
But my heart hurts for those that are kind of
left behind, right?
And so it's one of those spaces where I,
for the last week I think I've been kind of walking around
very pissed off, and I've acknowledged it.
(30:46):
I've said it, I've acknowledged it.
And to the point where I've had a friend come up to me,
at church just yesterday and say,
you're not yourself, what's going on?
You doing okay?
And in my mind I'm thinking, I thought,
like I thought I was faking it pretty good.
And I was like, why am I trying to even fake it?
I shouldn't have to fake it.
And so it was beautiful to be able to look at this friend
(31:09):
and say, this is what's going on.
And I'm mad.
I'm mad because the NME has literally snuffed out
two of my family members before they hit 60.
This is insane.
And I now wanna punch people and punch,
I mean punch the enemy, but just, you know.
(31:31):
But to recognize with your spouse, with your loved one,
recognize maybe even what's going on with them
in that space, and then remind them
that they don't get to live there.
But give them permission, give them space
to grieve, to feel, to even maybe deal with the consequences
(31:55):
of some of their actions, you know, whatever it is.
Allow God to deal with them, right?
Because, you know, man, you are a real bonehead right there.
No, you're right.
You know, and okay, well, Father, what do you wanna do?
Because our first instinct is we wanna rescue
and we wanna make sure that they're okay.
Or you have the extreme of they wanna set them off in a boat
(32:19):
and shoot a flaming arrow at it.
That seems extreme, but you know what I mean?
But it's like, don't be so quick to write each other off.
Know that this comes with seasons of life,
know that this comes with marriage.
(32:39):
Be slow to speak, quick to listen, you know,
slow to respond, quick to forgive.
Be that person.
Yeah.
You said it yesterday, you know, to be somebody
that has only the best thoughts and intentions,
you know, be somebody that, you know, believes the best,
(33:01):
trusts the best, hopes the best, you know,
even if it looks really, really bleak,
just know that God is very much on the scene,
and he's not going to leave your marriage,
he's not gonna leave you.
If you ask him, he'll give you wisdom.
Yeah.
And some of that wisdom might be shut up.
Yeah.
You know, some of that wisdom might be just sit with them
(33:22):
and just hold them and cry together,
do whatever you gotta do, but just know that
he's going to be there in the midst of it with you.
That, you know, that even though they're a bonehead,
remember the good things they've done.
Remember the good things that they've done.
Don't throw the baby out with the bath water,
don't do that, don't do, that's not fair.
Don't do that to somebody.
(33:43):
Yeah.
Don't do that to them.
It's like I said, you and I are so in the place that
unless God, unless the Holy Spirit says, you gotta go,
you don't.
There's, you fight, you stand, you fight,
or you pause and you rest and you say,
(34:03):
okay, we're gonna get our bearings,
what is the next step, what do we do now?
Yeah.
And then follow his lead, knowing that
he's the only one that knows.
That's true.
So just follow his lead.
Yeah.
And that's all we can do, you know, because again,
(34:24):
as much as we talk about a lot of the roles of a husband
and the roles of a wife and stuff like that,
ultimately that is a mirror of the role of God,
the role of Jesus, the role of the church.
Right.
And it's like, so again, it's that,
cause I was joking with a friend
(34:45):
and he was talking about something about his wife
and I was like, yeah, just remember,
Bible says we're supposed to die to our wives,
just like Jesus died to the church,
he's like four, not two, I'm like still, regardless.
You are right, you're right.
I mean, it's true, it's true.
Yeah.
Yeah, it's laying your life down for the other person.
(35:08):
Yeah, cause I think it is,
there's a lot of people that love to highlight
and focus on the submit.
Yes.
You know, just the way that the church submits to Jesus,
wives should submit to their husbands,
but they always forget the other half of that.
(35:28):
The church submits to Jesus
because of what Jesus did for the church.
That's right, that's right, that's right.
It's easy to follow somebody, follow their lead
when you know that this person
is willing to lay their life down for you.
Yeah.
When they have nothing but the best intentions.
Or even when, even without going that far.
(35:52):
Yeah.
They're willing to walk the same mile you're willing to walk.
That's it, that's it.
And I think that that's what I mean by,
like you, Luke, Alan, Wants,
are willing to lay down your agenda,
your flesh, your agenda, to follow Christ
(36:13):
and to follow what he wants.
And that is attractive to me.
That is something where I can stand back and say,
if you're willing to lay your life down
and bend to whatever it is that God has told you to do,
(36:33):
yeah, babe, yeah, like all day, all day.
What do you wanna do?
All day, let's go.
There's a security in that
because it's the same with me.
It's easy for me to be led and it's easy for me.
It's easy to even hear my opinions,
(36:53):
opinions, I'm doing quotations, right?
But it's easy to hear my opinions
because you know that I'm also willing to say,
oh, babe, I think this, but you know what?
No, no, I don't have a piece about that.
Okay, no, if Holy Spirit says no, then we're not gonna go.
And there's a security there.
(37:14):
You're not dealing with somebody that's insecure.
You're not dealing with somebody that's so emotional
that I'm tossed back and forth by every circumstance.
That itself, that itself should be what the picture of,
what the bride of Christ looks like,
that we're not wishy washy, that we're not saying,
(37:36):
oh, things are getting really hard.
Oh, babe, you messed up, so you know what?
Peace out, wow, that's not a marriage.
I'll be submitted to Christ
as long as he's sending me blessings.
You know what I'm saying, ew.
Ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew.
(37:57):
And how many marriages are out there like that?
Oh gosh, babe, gross, gross.
Like, you're ready, stop, so stop with the silly talk.
I was gonna say, no, it's stupid.
Stop with the stupid talk, stop with the stupid talk.
You're either in or out,
stop doing this wishy washy stuff.
(38:17):
Oh, it's getting hard, I'm so sorry.
Guess what, it's going to get hard.
Like, I'm not trying to be crass,
I'm not trying to be, you know what I mean?
But it's the reality, here's the reality.
Oh, well, it's just, you know,
well, they hurt my feelings, or well, you know,
they lied to me, or well, they weren't forthcoming,
(38:38):
or they just, okay, well, I'm sorry about that.
Fix it, fix it.
If it's a habitual thing,
if it's something that's constantly,
if there's a dishonesty, or if there's things like that,
man, by all means, go to a counselor, hi, I'm available.
But you know what I mean, but like,
go to a coach, go to a counselor, go to a pastor.
(38:59):
That's it, go to somebody that's going to look at you both
and say, stop being boneheads.
Somebody that genuinely wants to watch you succeed.
Yes.
And has no skin in the game.
That part, right?
Absolutely.
And so it's like, suck it up, buttercup.
(39:19):
You know, I'm not saying be a doormat.
I'm not saying be so domineering.
I'm saying allow your lives to be submitted to each other.
Submit yourself to God, submit yourself to each other,
and then watch the enemy start fleeing
out of the situations.
Because at that point, you're standing back and saying,
(39:40):
come hell or high water, we're together.
We are a formidable force together.
And one can take, what is it, one can send a thousand
to flight, two can send 10,000 to flight, right?
So it's one of those where you and I together,
that's why the enemy wants to divide so much.
(40:01):
Because if he knows that he can divide you, then he wins.
There's no power there.
But when you get a husband and wife that have said,
that say, I'm in, I'm in, I'm in.
Okay, you're being a bonehead, fix it.
What are we doing?
What do I need to do to help you?
Or what do I need to do to fix me being a bonehead?
What do we need to, you know?
(40:22):
It's like, take responsibility, own your part,
and then love your person from the place of Christ.
Allow yourself to be held accountable.
Yes, yes.
Yeah.
That part.
I love that.
That's good.
(40:42):
Do we talk it out?
I think so.
I think we did.
I think we talked it good.
Well, talked it well.
All that English training out the window.
It's getting replaced by government
plain language training.
It's fine.
Yeah.
Well, your wife that constantly says, can you define that?
(41:04):
Yeah.
What did you, just bring it down to fourth grade level,
baby.
Yeah.
No.
And I'm doing better.
You're so much better.
I will pat myself on the back.
I feel like I'm doing a lot better
about explaining things to people.
I think you're beautiful at it.
And not taking the high road
and thinking more of myself.
(41:24):
Listen, side note, back to the family vacation
that we got to go and celebrate all the birthdays
and the family.
I remember you walking away from the table
and the people that were at the table
looking at me and going, he's really good at explaining things.
And I was, and me jokingly said, you're welcome.
Because 13 years of us,
(41:47):
almost 13 years of being married
and almost 15 years of being together,
I just stand back and I go.
You trained me early.
I trained you quickly and very early.
I need you to bring that down.
Your $5 or $50 word right there,
I need you to bring it down to like a buck 25.
You're acting condescending.
You're acting condescending, yes.
(42:07):
You're being very haughty right now.
I need you to maybe, but you are.
You're very patient and you're very loving.
You really are.
You just want other people to learn and grow
and not be boneheads.
And that's beautiful.
And you've gotten better about it.
(42:28):
So it's good, it's good.
All right, guys.
We hope that you have the absolute most amazing week.
We pray that the Holy Spirit just comes in
to every area of your lives
and that he just shows you, he guides you,
he gives you wisdom.
He reminds you to be slow to speak, quick to listen,
(42:52):
slow to respond and quick to forgive.
That he reminds you that you,
you get to take responsibility and you get to play a part
and that you can either make or break a situation.
And so I'm asking that God just comes.
He comes into those spaces with you guys
and he just speaks loud and clear
(43:12):
and he opens up the hearts
and then ties them back together again.
Yes.
All right, guys.
Have the best week.
Enjoy the journey.
Big
Hello and welcome back to another episode of Upfront and Undivided with Luke and Dean'na.
(00:13):
Hi.
Hi.
How's it going?
It's good.
I was looking over, you saw me.
I did.
You were like, what are you looking at, babe?
I'm literally looking at your book, Strength Finders, thinking, I need to read that.
And then I was looking at your devotional on the floor, The Hero's Journey, and I was
like, oh, I wonder how that's going or if that's going.
(00:33):
It's not.
It's not?
It's not.
Okay.
That's okay.
I haven't touched it.
Okay.
I'm going to grab that book though.
Yeah.
Because I was thinking that I know that we bought some books and I need to start doing
some reading and strategizing and developing my skill sets and things like that.
(00:59):
All the big words, all the fancy lingo for when we help people in their relationships.
So but Strength Finder.
And to be ready for when I take the class.
Yes.
Because if you tell me when, I'll make it happen.
I'll sign you up.
We'll get you going.
Yeah, you will.
But yeah, that's what you saw me looking at.
(01:21):
So yeah.
How are you doing?
I'm good.
See, I thought you were looking at Sparks.
Oh, well Sparks is here too.
She was making noise and licking herself.
And then all of a sudden I started talking and she's like, what's going on?
Yeah.
Why is dad talking?
What's going on?
Why are you talking like that, dad?
Yeah.
And she gets to, babe, she gets to, you have news with her.
I do.
She passed her test.
Yay.
(01:42):
So she is, yeah, she's about to get rid of her in training patches and just be regular
service dog patches.
And then we get to do the graduation, you said, like at the end of the month?
No.
Or October?
No, sometime in, I think they're aiming for sometime in November.
Oh, okay.
Is the talk.
Okay.
So yeah.
So that's when the little get recognized and stuff.
(02:05):
Maybe we can borrow your friend's little diploma hat that his dog had, because that was super
cute.
I'm not sure she would go for that though.
Maybe.
I don't know.
And then she's got new jewelry.
I surprised you with new jewelry for her.
So she's got a little dog collar.
Yep.
Or not collar, dog tag.
Dog tag that has her name on it.
And then on the back it says, I'm my person service dog.
(02:27):
If I go missing, please, you know, basically give me back.
Yeah.
So yeah.
Yeah.
Just very sweet.
Which kind of along those lines, I've seen a couple of people that have stickers on the
back of their cars.
Yeah.
And it basically says, a service dog on board.
Oh.
Do not separate from handler.
Wow.
Yeah.
Oh, I love that.
(02:48):
Yeah.
Oh, it makes me think of that reel.
Was it you that sent it or I sent it to you where there was a dog that was chasing an ambulance
and then they finally figured out that it was the person's dog that was trying to be
with the owner.
Gosh, that's so sweet.
I like that.
Maybe we need to get one of those for you.
That would be sweet.
Oh, it's your, it's your.
(03:10):
Your person.
She's not a person, but she's a person.
And she's her and I are starting to become more.
We like each other more.
Yes.
Where before it seemed like there was a little bit of a competition and I'm like, listen,
girlfriend, she's understanding her place and that's good.
She's sweet.
So we have not been here for two, almost three weeks, three weeks.
(03:36):
So hi guys.
Hi.
So do we want to kind of get a quick update about maybe what's been going on in our lives?
I think so.
Yeah.
Okay.
It's like, I hate to use the excuse of life happened, but you know what?
Life happened.
I think, I think, and I don't know if I've said this before, but I think when we say
this because even in the real, like me and the girls, we have taken a little bit of a
(03:59):
hiatus and said that, you know, life is happening.
I think what it does is it gives people permission to reprioritize because this is another thing
of we don't want to.
It's not a thing of we're getting lazy.
It's a thing of when things get a little extra and there's a lot happening, then we give
(04:25):
you permission to reprioritize.
And if, if this podcast happens to be the thing that gets to be put on the back burner,
then that then so be it because our family comes first.
Our mental health comes first.
Our, our wellbeing, just baseball.
We got all of it.
Just everything's we're kind of in the thick of everything.
(04:45):
Just celebrated.
There was a family vacation.
There was about to be a family funeral.
Yeah.
Yeah.
School started.
School started.
Baseball started again.
Our beautiful girl turned 20.
Yeah.
Birthdays, all the things.
That's where the family vacation came in.
But yeah, just a lot of, a lot of everything.
Yeah.
And, and just, and in the process, some physical health, some mental health.
(05:10):
Yeah.
Just all of it.
Just all of it.
And, and it's okay to say, Hey, I'm shooting off a flare or I'm just putting a quick little
pause right here.
I even suggested to you, Hey babe, do we just want to take a second?
And you were like, Nope, because then we'll stop.
And then we will try to, it'll be hard to get back on the train.
(05:30):
So we appreciate you guys being patient with us, but yeah, I lost, I lost my stepsister.
Is that, what is this babe?
Like when was that?
Is it a week ago?
A week ago?
Yes.
A week ago.
Actually, yes.
A week ago, 12 at 12 something.
(05:50):
My nephew made the hard decision of basically saying, taking her off life support.
Let's take her off life support because she would not be able to breathe on her own.
And that's no way of living.
And so unfortunately at the age of 59, which is insanely young, you know, my sister now
(06:11):
gets to walk out of this world and walk right into the arms of Jesus.
And then we just came across yesterday was our beautiful girl's 20th birthday.
It's also the anniversary of Papa Charlie's death.
And that came up on my memories.
(06:31):
And it was like, just taking that time to just kind of, sometimes you got to give yourself
space to feel.
And I would say that you, the kids, friends, really close friends, good friends have been
giving me a chance to just feel.
And then you are, today was your first day in your new position as far as a project at
(06:56):
work.
And that is now officially has been, it has been, it's not even it is, but it has been
consuming your brain.
And so now we get to just stand back and say, okay, father, how would you like to move forward
on this?
And so we, we're back.
So we're here.
(07:16):
We're here.
A lot is happening.
And again, we just, you know, it's okay.
It's okay to just say, Hey, there's days where you have to trudge through.
And then there's other days where you have to say, no time out.
I'm going to take a quick break, but I promise I'll be right back.
Cause I mean, in a way that's kind of what we were going to talk about today.
(07:39):
I'm going to, I'm going to throw out the title real quick or at least the working title.
And then I'm going to kind of explain some more, or at least kind of talk some more.
But it's like, I keep wanting to call this like the covering.
Okay.
It's like, I know that it doesn't really, it does, but it doesn't really encompass what
(07:59):
we want to talk about.
But I kind of want to talk about it, you know, because real quick, it's like, you know, us
being married, you know, we are covering each other, you know, it's, you know, in a way,
especially as me, as the husband, as the father, as the head of the house, it's that, that
covering is, you know, mandated by God basically, you know, that's, that's the role that I get
(08:23):
to step into.
Those are the duties that I get to assume.
Yeah.
Um, you know, and, and I, for this thing from, I am not complaining.
I would not take it back for the world.
Um, you know, but it's, it's a reality.
It's something that I get to do.
And as, as much as I want to excel at everything that I put my hand in my mind to, um, you
(08:53):
know, I told you just a little while ago, I mean, we went for a walk earlier and I told
you, it's like, there are days, a lot, a lot of days lately, I feel like I'm just surviving.
Yeah.
You know, it's like, I'm still doing what I need to do, but barely.
Yeah.
It's like, you know, it's like, when you go to, you know, get the, the progress report
(09:13):
for your kids, you know, at school, it's like, you know, meets expectations, you know, it's
like, I'm meeting expectations, you know, I'm not, I'm not surpassing, but right now
I am meeting expectations.
Yeah.
You know, I'm at a three and a five.
Yeah.
So, um, you know, but it's like, as much as I want to get down on myself for that, it's
(09:33):
like, I also want to say it's okay, as long as that's not where you're at always.
Correct.
Correct.
You know, if, if, if, if there are moments, if, you know, hopefully they're as short as
possible, but you know, if there are seasons where so much is going on, that that's where
(09:54):
you're at, it's like, I think again, it's kind of like you said earlier, it's like people
need that permission to, it's okay to, you know, I don't want to say it's okay to be
in survival mode because that's not good, but just like, you know, to be meeting the
standard.
Yeah.
You know, it's okay for, you know, if stuff's going on and it's like, I am meeting the standard,
(10:18):
you know, it's like, I'm a horrible parent.
My kids didn't get out of the PJs or brush their hair today.
It's like, you know what?
That would be our son.
That would be our son today.
Yeah.
And it's, it's okay because he didn't have school.
Correct.
You know, we didn't really have anywhere we needed to go today.
No.
You know, I work from home, you being a sub, you didn't have school today, obviously, you
(10:40):
know, you didn't have any clients to go clean today.
Right.
You know, so it's like, we were home.
I had a doctor appointment, but that was it.
Yeah.
Yeah.
You had a doctor appointment, but, but you know, for the most part we are a home.
Yeah.
Even our daughter got a chance to just, everybody was just home today, which was nice.
I mean, even me working from home, I was basically in PJs.
Yes.
I'm going to have to up my game because they do a lot of video calls in this new position.
(11:04):
I'm like, oh man, you're going to make me work for this.
We're going to need to get you, I've already determined this, we're going to need to get
you just a really nice looking Zippa Pudding.
Yeah.
It can't be your little cutoff one.
It's going to be, we're going to need to get you like a Mr. Rogers kind of Zippa Pudding.
Yeah.
Like a cardigan or like a, like a quarter zip.
Don't you have one?
(11:26):
Don't we have one in the closet somewhere?
I think I got rid of them.
Okay.
Well then we need to get you another one.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Cause a lot of times I don't like quarter zips cause they mess with my beard.
I will say let's get you just a cardigan that you can just throw it over even if it's just
a t-shirt and it will literally just dress you up just enough.
I think that would be nice.
Yeah.
(11:46):
I think so.
We get to go shopping.
I know where to go.
Sorry.
You know, but again, it is, it's, it's so it's, you know, we didn't do anything above
and beyond, you know, but again, you know, it's kids were fed.
Yeah.
(12:07):
We're taken care of those getting paid.
Yeah.
We, we worked.
Yes.
You know, we, we did what we needed to do today.
Yeah.
Rested from the weekend.
We rested from the weekend.
We had birthday parties and we had family and we had, we've been busy.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
And it's, and it's I, in the words of literally God and in the words of like my sweet brother,
(12:30):
like it is good to have a day of rest.
You just, you have to, you just have to take that time to recharge.
Ours just happens to land on it depending on the week.
It depends on the day.
Yeah.
And I am grateful that today got to be a day just to kind of like laundry and got things
done and cleaned up from the party and just the stuff.
(12:52):
But it was, and like you said, and you got to meet your new coworkers and you got to
meet people and it's, but it's been a very, not even laid back, I think an easy day.
It's been a very nice day.
It has been a very nice day.
Yeah.
Yeah.
And I understand the, sometimes you get stuck in that space.
(13:17):
There's I would consider some, some places are ruts, ruts or something you have to like,
you have to be very intentional not to get yourself out of.
And then I believe that there's other seasons of our lives where we, we have to, it's, it's
okay for us to kind of take a breath.
Like when people talk about the race of life, right?
(13:38):
It's not a sprint, it's a marathon and you have to have a cadence to that at times.
And sometimes your cadence seems mundane and sometimes it seems like it's just, or it's,
you know, I feel like I'm trudging literally through mud.
What do I do?
I saw a meme and it said, a dear person reading this, if all you did today was wake up and
(14:03):
breathe, good job.
You know, because you're taking the time, even if it's just that time to say, okay,
I'm having to re, I'm going to have to rework some stuff now.
I'm working with new people or I have a new schedule or maybe my health isn't quite what
it needs to be.
I need to start doing some things to help better.
(14:24):
I need to, you know, and it's like, strategizing, learning how to re strategize certain parts
of your life.
And I believe I do babe with everything in me.
I believe that that's the season that we're in right now.
It's re strategizing, finding out what that next step is.
And there are some things that are just every day and they're just going to be every day.
(14:47):
Our beautiful girl, she unfortunately sometimes gets caught up in, you know, the next big
thing.
And it's like, sweetheart, it's just that it's the everyday, it's the everyday disciplines.
It's the everyday getting in your word.
It's the everyday going outside.
It's the everyday choices.
It's the everyday choices.
You know, it's the, you know, it is, it's the, it's the choice to get up in the morning.
(15:11):
It's the choice to, you know, get dressed, you know, even if, even her who pretty much
has a uniform, you know, she doesn't get to really pick what she wears for the day.
Which in my mind, I'm like, thank you Jesus for that.
Right?
Yes.
See, she could do it.
Yes.
Yes, she could.
You know, but, you know, it's, it's the choice to, you know, I'm going to get dressed.
(15:36):
I'm going to, you know, wash my face, I'm going to do my hair.
I'm going to, you know, drive safe, I'm going to, you know, the choice to leave on time.
Yes.
You know, it's, it's all these little choices.
And that's, you know, I think that's what it is is a lot of it is, it's the little choices.
It's the little choices we make.
even as the covering, to kind of go back to that,
(16:02):
because part of our conversation earlier was
with that covering, and it's like,
as much as my covering goes over our family,
it almost feels like your covering goes
almost like under or through our family.
I'd agree with that.
You know, it's like, I know sometimes they talk about how,
(16:24):
yes, the man is the head of the household,
but the woman is the thermostat, you know, type thing.
And it's like, that does, that helps make sense,
because the covering under or through,
it's like, it helps tell the temperature of the family.
It helps tell the mood of the family.
I mean, so often when something is going on,
you're the one that's like, you know,
hey, I know you didn't catch this,
(16:45):
but here's what's going on right now in the house.
Okay, cool.
And it's not because I don't pay attention,
it's just because I don't pick up on some of those signals,
or I'm not hearing those conversations
that they'll come to you and have.
You know, it's like, okay, you know, it's like,
I'm here to steer the ship, and you're, you know,
doing the trim or something like that, you know?
(17:05):
And it's, but it's like,
I think it's important to remember in marriage,
you know, in a marriage, in this relationship,
that because I'm providing the covering
that I'm providing, you're able to provide
(17:26):
what you're providing.
Correct.
You know, it's, you know, because we had a conversation
of, you know, for six, seven years, you were a single mom.
Yeah, yeah.
And as much as nowadays, I know that you can do things,
you truly appreciate that you don't have to.
I don't have to, yeah.
You know, or, you know, or it's like, you know,
(17:49):
when I went to Puerto Rico for 45 days
for that deployment, you know, it was like,
even though I wasn't home physically,
doing and being what I am,
because we had that connection,
I was still able to spiritually,
and in a way financially also, provide that covering
(18:13):
so that you could continue in who and what you are
and what you've been designed to be.
Yes.
So all of a sudden, it wasn't like, okay, well,
okay, we're married, married, married for 45 days,
you're a single mom, and we're married again.
Right, right.
You know, it was just, it was seamless.
Right, because there's, you got that spiritual tie,
(18:37):
is what's going on there, and it was like,
when we were talking about it, because again,
it was something, it was a conversation
that had been brought up, and it was,
the person that we were talking to basically was saying,
you know, like, they're gone all the time,
so I feel like I could do this by myself.
(18:57):
And I didn't say this until after we finished talking,
and I was like, okay, I need to make sure
that this is a conversation that I continue to have,
because the revelation came as we are walking,
and I was like, when I was a single mom,
it was hard, right?
(19:18):
It wasn't until I allowed God to become my covering
in that space that life was fairly good for Gabriel and I,
and I really appreciate that our beautiful girl
acknowledges that, that she understands,
because she, even again, it's like every birthday
it seems to bring this up, which is kind of funny to me,
(19:42):
but every birthday she'll say, you know,
I'll always say, Gabriel, like,
you never go without, sweetie, it's constant,
like, you always have, and she says,
I never understood that, Mom,
because I'm decorating the dining room,
getting ready for the family, and Gabriel's talking, right?
And she's like, remember, Mom,
I had all the Justice clothes,
(20:02):
and all my friends wanted to get my clothes
when I started out growing it.
And she was, how did that even happen,
because you were a single mom, and we were struggling,
but I didn't know we were struggling,
and I said, because I did without,
or I would just go to the thrift store,
and I just had the same clothes forever.
I mean, you know, you've seen my closet,
I still have some clothes from forever.
(20:24):
Hey, guess how long I've had this?
Yeah, like, this is back in high school,
like, you know, this is crazy.
So, but it's one of those where, you know,
and just understanding that God being the covering there,
the thing that I did want to say was, because this, you know,
when this person said this, I was standing back,
(20:47):
and I was thinking, I believe that the reason why
you feel so confident in this,
because I very much, listen, I very much encourage them,
no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, don't go down this road,
okay, don't go, trust me from somebody that is in this space,
don't go down this road.
But it's one of those where I believe
(21:07):
that the reason why people,
this is where the enemy comes in,
and he messes with you, because it's like,
so say you have, you know, your spouse is deployed,
or you have a 45 days, your husband is on a completely
different continent, kind of scenario.
You know, every Tuesday through Friday,
(21:30):
they have to fly out of town for work.
That's it, right?
It's like, how do you respond to these things?
You know, do you all of a sudden live your life
footloose, fancy free?
Why do you feel so confident,
even if they're separated out from that space?
Well, it's because of the spiritual covenant
that you have with this person.
(21:50):
Whenever my first marriage, when I was separated out,
number one, I love this term,
somebody actually brought it up to me,
and said, what God has put together,
let no man separate, right?
And so, when they gave me that scripture,
and they said, with my first marriage,
(22:11):
it was on a God situation, so,
God didn't have to follow through
with blessing that marriage, because it wasn't.
Because God didn't put it together.
He didn't put it together.
And I was like, dude, like that's,
I would have to agree with that scenario.
Were there good things?
Yes, but were there not?
(22:32):
Yeah, and so, it's like, when I separated myself from the junk,
and from the stuff, from the sickness,
let me say the sickness, okay,
because it was just, it was bad.
So, when I separated myself from the sickness,
even my own sickness that I had got myself into,
(22:54):
when I finally separated myself,
that's when the blessings came.
That's when, God, did he take care of us
during that period of time?
Yeah, but there was a security.
There was a goodness there that lies there.
And so, I would say, if you are somebody that is,
(23:16):
maybe your spouse does have to take off for work.
Maybe they're doing their best,
and they're doing overtime somewhere,
or they're trying to do whatever,
and then all of a sudden, you're just standing back going,
oh, it's just really peaceful.
I can live without this person, those voices of the enemy.
I want you to stop.
I want you to stop, because part of the thing,
(23:39):
unless there is tremendous amount of something, right?
If there's some things that are needing to be fixed,
if something is, if you're in a scary situation,
by all means, get out of there.
But that's not what we're talking about.
We're talking about something that, you know,
everybody is fine, everything is good.
You might just be hitting, like what you said, baby.
(24:01):
You might be just hitting a space
where it just might be a little bit mundane.
You might feel like you're just surviving.
Or it just might be extra stressors of life.
It's just extra stressors of life.
Just might be a stressful season.
That's it, that's it.
Under, just take a breath.
Like, I think that that's what you and I wanted
to kind of share today.
Like, take a breath.
(24:22):
Take a breath, step back.
Don't be so quick to say the D word.
Don't be so quick to think, ooh, now I'm going to separate.
Or don't be so quick to think that you can do this
all on your own.
Because it is, it's, do, you alluded to it, you said it.
(24:43):
Could I do this by myself with the kids, babe?
Yes.
Do I want to?
Hell no.
Like, no, I don't want to, you know?
Even in our hardest and worst days, and we've had them.
And I'm sure that we'll still have some, right?
Because you're stuck.
Because we're in the world.
We're in the world, and you're stuck with me.
(25:03):
And it's one of those where, for better or for worse.
For sickness and in health, richer or for poor,
all of the things, right?
All of the things.
It's like, you're stuck with me.
And we are going to figure this out.
We're going to step back and say, and not,
(25:25):
I think the number one thing is not point fingers
at each other and go, you should be better.
You should know better.
You're the man of the house.
Well, you're a godly man.
You should, shut up.
Shut up.
Like, because you deal with stressors
that I do not have to deal with.
That I don't have to deal with.
(25:45):
You take on things that I don't have to.
And vice versa.
There are things that I take on that you don't have to.
So that way you can fixate and focus on the things
that you need to.
Stop playing competition.
Stop sitting here trying to say
that one is harder than the other,
or one is less than the other.
(26:06):
And remember that you're on the same team.
And that, because when you told me today,
as we're going for a walk, like you're like,
babe, I just feel like I'm just, I'm just.
Just surviving.
I'm just surviving.
I'm just doing this.
What was it?
First thing that came out of my mouth.
What'd I say, babe?
I don't remember.
You don't remember.
So that's part of my other problem.
(26:28):
It's okay.
It's okay.
I just looked at you and I said,
then what is it that I can do?
What can I do to help?
Yeah.
What can I do?
Is there something that I need to be doing?
Do you need me to, because we do constantly.
You're so gracious.
I am able to, for the most part, be a stay at home mom.
(26:48):
I really am.
I'm a glorified stay at home mom.
That's what I, I just, and I get to go and play.
You're glorified and you're a stay at home mom.
Oh, baby.
Thanks.
But it's one of those where I've said,
do you need me to do something?
Do I need, our children, one is grown-ish
and the other one is, he's pretty good.
(27:10):
Do you need me to go do work somewhere
for all time?
Do I need to do something that will help?
What can I do to relieve the stress?
Do you need me to go, I don't know.
But these are the conversations that Luke and I have,
that you and I have, that I would say that
with you and your spouse, you have it.
What is it that they need from you?
(27:32):
Do they need space?
Do they need time?
Do they need help, more help?
And along with that, it's the loving,
the encouraging, the positive accountability.
Yeah, yeah.
Because this is, because while we shouldn't be,
(27:53):
well this is what you should be doing.
Right.
But it is, it's the holding each other accountable.
When you were taking the course to get your certification
for being a relationship coach, you had X amount of time.
It's like, you were pretty much giving me status updates
almost every day.
So I didn't have to be like, hey babe,
(28:14):
did you work on that chapter today?
So it's like, but you could.
If you hadn't have been already being pro,
if you hadn't already been proactive about it,
that's something that I could do to help you out.
Or like you, every now and then,
hey, have you worked on projects out in the garage yet?
(28:38):
Hey babe, can I buy that tool for you
so that way we can keep moving you forward?
And that's what we do.
That's what you do.
It is, it's being a positive.
It's reminding, I think it's also reminding that person
that you are capable.
(28:59):
Because I believe that the noise in our heads
tells us that, well, maybe I'm not doing the right thing.
Maybe I need to just give up.
Maybe I just, maybe I, you know,
and it's like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
No, no, no, no, no, you're doing great.
You're doing great.
Let's just, let's finish what we've started.
And then, okay, what's the next thing?
(29:20):
And be intentional with time, be intentional with,
okay, you seem a little overwhelmed right now,
or you might seem a little stressed.
Is there something that I can help you with?
Is there something you can drop off your plate?
Is there something that you maybe shouldn't have
picked up in the beginning?
Or is this, or is the season gone?
(29:41):
And now it's time to move on to the next chapter.
What is, it could be a number of things
in a different combination of things.
But don't be so quick to be so judgmental.
Don't be so quick to be so critical of your spouse,
of your loved one, of yourself.
(30:04):
Take the time, because like even at church,
you know, I'm walking through,
and I wasn't super, super close with my stepsister.
Like four decades with being family is a big deal.
Very big deal, don't get me wrong, guys.
She wasn't, you know, it's not like in a constant,
(30:25):
do I, did I cry?
I did cry.
Do I grieve?
I probably will still cry, you know.
But my heart hurts for those that are kind of
left behind, right?
And so it's one of those spaces where I,
for the last week I think I've been kind of walking around
very pissed off, and I've acknowledged it.
(30:46):
I've said it, I've acknowledged it.
And to the point where I've had a friend come up to me,
at church just yesterday and say,
you're not yourself, what's going on?
You doing okay?
And in my mind I'm thinking, I thought,
like I thought I was faking it pretty good.
And I was like, why am I trying to even fake it?
I shouldn't have to fake it.
And so it was beautiful to be able to look at this friend
(31:09):
and say, this is what's going on.
And I'm mad.
I'm mad because the NME has literally snuffed out
two of my family members before they hit 60.
This is insane.
And I now wanna punch people and punch,
I mean punch the enemy, but just, you know.
(31:31):
But to recognize with your spouse, with your loved one,
recognize maybe even what's going on with them
in that space, and then remind them
that they don't get to live there.
But give them permission, give them space
to grieve, to feel, to even maybe deal with the consequences
(31:55):
of some of their actions, you know, whatever it is.
Allow God to deal with them, right?
Because, you know, man, you are a real bonehead right there.
No, you're right.
You know, and okay, well, Father, what do you wanna do?
Because our first instinct is we wanna rescue
and we wanna make sure that they're okay.
Or you have the extreme of they wanna set them off in a boat
(32:19):
and shoot a flaming arrow at it.
That seems extreme, but you know what I mean?
But it's like, don't be so quick to write each other off.
Know that this comes with seasons of life,
know that this comes with marriage.
(32:39):
Be slow to speak, quick to listen, you know,
slow to respond, quick to forgive.
Be that person.
Yeah.
You said it yesterday, you know, to be somebody
that has only the best thoughts and intentions,
you know, be somebody that, you know, believes the best,
(33:01):
trusts the best, hopes the best, you know,
even if it looks really, really bleak,
just know that God is very much on the scene,
and he's not going to leave your marriage,
he's not gonna leave you.
If you ask him, he'll give you wisdom.
Yeah.
And some of that wisdom might be shut up.
Yeah.
You know, some of that wisdom might be just sit with them
(33:22):
and just hold them and cry together,
do whatever you gotta do, but just know that
he's going to be there in the midst of it with you.
That, you know, that even though they're a bonehead,
remember the good things they've done.
Remember the good things that they've done.
Don't throw the baby out with the bath water,
don't do that, don't do, that's not fair.
Don't do that to somebody.
(33:43):
Yeah.
Don't do that to them.
It's like I said, you and I are so in the place that
unless God, unless the Holy Spirit says, you gotta go,
you don't.
There's, you fight, you stand, you fight,
or you pause and you rest and you say,
(34:03):
okay, we're gonna get our bearings,
what is the next step, what do we do now?
Yeah.
And then follow his lead, knowing that
he's the only one that knows.
That's true.
So just follow his lead.
Yeah.
And that's all we can do, you know, because again,
(34:24):
as much as we talk about a lot of the roles of a husband
and the roles of a wife and stuff like that,
ultimately that is a mirror of the role of God,
the role of Jesus, the role of the church.
Right.
And it's like, so again, it's that,
cause I was joking with a friend
(34:45):
and he was talking about something about his wife
and I was like, yeah, just remember,
Bible says we're supposed to die to our wives,
just like Jesus died to the church,
he's like four, not two, I'm like still, regardless.
You are right, you're right.
I mean, it's true, it's true.
Yeah.
Yeah, it's laying your life down for the other person.
(35:08):
Yeah, cause I think it is,
there's a lot of people that love to highlight
and focus on the submit.
Yes.
You know, just the way that the church submits to Jesus,
wives should submit to their husbands,
but they always forget the other half of that.
(35:28):
The church submits to Jesus
because of what Jesus did for the church.
That's right, that's right, that's right.
It's easy to follow somebody, follow their lead
when you know that this person
is willing to lay their life down for you.
Yeah.
When they have nothing but the best intentions.
Or even when, even without going that far.
(35:52):
Yeah.
They're willing to walk the same mile you're willing to walk.
That's it, that's it.
And I think that that's what I mean by,
like you, Luke, Alan, Wants,
are willing to lay down your agenda,
your flesh, your agenda, to follow Christ
(36:13):
and to follow what he wants.
And that is attractive to me.
That is something where I can stand back and say,
if you're willing to lay your life down
and bend to whatever it is that God has told you to do,
(36:33):
yeah, babe, yeah, like all day, all day.
What do you wanna do?
All day, let's go.
There's a security in that
because it's the same with me.
It's easy for me to be led and it's easy for me.
It's easy to even hear my opinions,
(36:53):
opinions, I'm doing quotations, right?
But it's easy to hear my opinions
because you know that I'm also willing to say,
oh, babe, I think this, but you know what?
No, no, I don't have a piece about that.
Okay, no, if Holy Spirit says no, then we're not gonna go.
And there's a security there.
(37:14):
You're not dealing with somebody that's insecure.
You're not dealing with somebody that's so emotional
that I'm tossed back and forth by every circumstance.
That itself, that itself should be what the picture of,
what the bride of Christ looks like,
that we're not wishy washy, that we're not saying,
(37:36):
oh, things are getting really hard.
Oh, babe, you messed up, so you know what?
Peace out, wow, that's not a marriage.
I'll be submitted to Christ
as long as he's sending me blessings.
You know what I'm saying, ew.
Ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew.
(37:57):
And how many marriages are out there like that?
Oh gosh, babe, gross, gross.
Like, you're ready, stop, so stop with the silly talk.
I was gonna say, no, it's stupid.
Stop with the stupid talk, stop with the stupid talk.
You're either in or out,
stop doing this wishy washy stuff.
(38:17):
Oh, it's getting hard, I'm so sorry.
Guess what, it's going to get hard.
Like, I'm not trying to be crass,
I'm not trying to be, you know what I mean?
But it's the reality, here's the reality.
Oh, well, it's just, you know,
well, they hurt my feelings, or well, you know,
they lied to me, or well, they weren't forthcoming,
(38:38):
or they just, okay, well, I'm sorry about that.
Fix it, fix it.
If it's a habitual thing,
if it's something that's constantly,
if there's a dishonesty, or if there's things like that,
man, by all means, go to a counselor, hi, I'm available.
But you know what I mean, but like,
go to a coach, go to a counselor, go to a pastor.
(38:59):
That's it, go to somebody that's going to look at you both
and say, stop being boneheads.
Somebody that genuinely wants to watch you succeed.
Yes.
And has no skin in the game.
That part, right?
Absolutely.
And so it's like, suck it up, buttercup.
(39:19):
You know, I'm not saying be a doormat.
I'm not saying be so domineering.
I'm saying allow your lives to be submitted to each other.
Submit yourself to God, submit yourself to each other,
and then watch the enemy start fleeing
out of the situations.
Because at that point, you're standing back and saying,
(39:40):
come hell or high water, we're together.
We are a formidable force together.
And one can take, what is it, one can send a thousand
to flight, two can send 10,000 to flight, right?
So it's one of those where you and I together,
that's why the enemy wants to divide so much.
(40:01):
Because if he knows that he can divide you, then he wins.
There's no power there.
But when you get a husband and wife that have said,
that say, I'm in, I'm in, I'm in.
Okay, you're being a bonehead, fix it.
What are we doing?
What do I need to do to help you?
Or what do I need to do to fix me being a bonehead?
What do we need to, you know?
(40:22):
It's like, take responsibility, own your part,
and then love your person from the place of Christ.
Allow yourself to be held accountable.
Yes, yes.
Yeah.
That part.
I love that.
That's good.
(40:42):
Do we talk it out?
I think so.
I think we did.
I think we talked it good.
Well, talked it well.
All that English training out the window.
It's getting replaced by government
plain language training.
It's fine.
Yeah.
Well, your wife that constantly says, can you define that?
(41:04):
Yeah.
What did you, just bring it down to fourth grade level,
baby.
Yeah.
No.
And I'm doing better.
You're so much better.
I will pat myself on the back.
I feel like I'm doing a lot better
about explaining things to people.
I think you're beautiful at it.
And not taking the high road
and thinking more of myself.
(41:24):
Listen, side note, back to the family vacation
that we got to go and celebrate all the birthdays
and the family.
I remember you walking away from the table
and the people that were at the table
looking at me and going, he's really good at explaining things.
And I was, and me jokingly said, you're welcome.
Because 13 years of us,
(41:47):
almost 13 years of being married
and almost 15 years of being together,
I just stand back and I go.
You trained me early.
I trained you quickly and very early.
I need you to bring that down.
Your $5 or $50 word right there,
I need you to bring it down to like a buck 25.
You're acting condescending.
You're acting condescending, yes.
(42:07):
You're being very haughty right now.
I need you to maybe, but you are.
You're very patient and you're very loving.
You really are.
You just want other people to learn and grow
and not be boneheads.
And that's beautiful.
And you've gotten better about it.
(42:28):
So it's good, it's good.
All right, guys.
We hope that you have the absolute most amazing week.
We pray that the Holy Spirit just comes in
to every area of your lives
and that he just shows you, he guides you,
he gives you wisdom.
He reminds you to be slow to speak, quick to listen,
(42:52):
slow to respond and quick to forgive.
That he reminds you that you,
you get to take responsibility and you get to play a part
and that you can either make or break a situation.
And so I'm asking that God just comes.
He comes into those spaces with you guys
and he just speaks loud and clear
(43:12):
and he opens up the hearts
and then ties them back together again.
Yes.
All right, guys.
Have the best week.
Enjoy the journey.
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Crime Junkie
Does hearing about a true crime case always leave you scouring the internet for the truth behind the story? Dive into your next mystery with Crime Junkie. Every Monday, join your host Ashley Flowers as she unravels all the details of infamous and underreported true crime cases with her best friend Brit Prawat. From cold cases to missing persons and heroes in our community who seek justice, Crime Junkie is your destination for theories and stories you won’t hear anywhere else. Whether you're a seasoned true crime enthusiast or new to the genre, you'll find yourself on the edge of your seat awaiting a new episode every Monday. If you can never get enough true crime... Congratulations, you’ve found your people. Follow to join a community of Crime Junkies! Crime Junkie is presented by audiochuck Media Company.
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