October 22, 2024 • 39 mins
Welcome to our latest episode! We hope and pray that all of you are doing well and staying healthy in these times. We also pray that you and your families are surrounded by His comforting peace.
This week we wanted to talk about something I call 'Ripple Therapy'. It came up during a conversation that if something happens in your marriage or relationship, after the initial "shock" is over and you both move past it, there can still be after effects that creep into your daily life. How do we deal with those little ripples left over from the big splash?
Have a listen, and let us know what you think!
Have the best week! Enjoy the journey!
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
Hello and welcome back to another episode of Upfront and Undivided with Luke and Dean'na..
(00:13):
Hi.
Hey.
How's it going?
She's so funny.
Like I want to, hi babe.
Hi.
I want to.
We've got Sparx with us.
We have Sparx with us and it's like, I think of, cause I do the intro for In the Real with
Marsha and Heather, right?
And I've now fit Albus and our silent sound guy who is you in my intro.
(00:40):
And I'm like, do we need to start putting Sparx in here?
Cause like, she is passed out.
Just about.
Yeah.
She is like, I'm home.
Her and our son just are like, I'm surprised he didn't get in PJs.
So yeah, I'm good.
I'm good.
(01:00):
I just think she's funny.
I think she's funny.
Cause hi, welcome to Upfront and Undivided with Luke and Dina.
It's sparks.
How are you?
I'm tired.
How are you?
I mean, I think that that's probably what our people are going to come off of listening
to this one going.
(01:22):
You guys are right.
Yeah, no, we're good.
We're good.
We're good.
We are good.
We're good.
Yeah.
Tired.
Yeah.
I've been doing a lot of subbing.
You're doing a new position of detail.
Yeah.
We'll just call it a detail because it's a, it's a, it's for set time, but it's like a
(01:45):
short term new job, but whether you want to do it or not, it's you.
You said it best to me.
Can I, can I say what you said?
You said it best to me.
Cause I was like, are you okay?
And you said it's like going from first gear to fourth and anybody that has ever drive
(02:07):
driven a manual knows that that is really rough.
That's a rough transition.
You may not recover your transmission.
Like it could be bad.
It could create some serious damage or you have to like do some quick footwork on the
fly.
And that is what you feel like you're doing right now.
(02:28):
And unfortunately, um, I keep reminding you that a lot of what is happening really isn't
on you.
You're doing the best you can with what you have.
And if you do not have all of the pieces that you need for the puzzle, you can't complete
the puzzle.
(02:49):
You can only do what you can do.
So there's your side note guys.
If sometimes you feel like you're a little like, ah, am I tired because I'm exhausted
from doing multiple things or am I mentally, emotionally, maybe spiritually tired because
you're just, everything is just everything.
(03:13):
So but that's not what we're talking about today.
No, not today.
But we're just being real with you tired, tired.
And I'm dealing with a whole bunch of substitute or substitute positions, places, things.
I had a really good compliment though.
I told you about it for one of the teachers that told me that she's about to retire.
(03:34):
And it was like, so what are you going to do after?
And she's like, I said, you could substitute teach.
She goes, no, thank you.
And I was like, there's a special breed.
Aren't we?
And she was, you really are.
It takes a special human being to be able to, and I'm not tooting a horn, but it is.
It's like you're literally thrown in a classroom in front of students that there's a good chance
(03:56):
you may never have known.
And I'll say it's, for you and others that are in that position, it's refreshing to hear
a teacher say that because there are, it's such a, you've told enough stories and my
parents and sister being educators, I've heard enough stories.
And other friends that are educators.
(04:17):
And it's just, there's such a wide variety of teachers that have different views of substitutes.
I'll say it that way.
And you've run into a lot of the different types.
(04:39):
There are some teachers, full-time teachers out there that can't stand substitutes for
some reason.
And then you have the others like you had just a few days ago that truly appreciate
subs and then everybody in between.
It's the in-betweens, which kind of throws me a little bit, but it's okay.
And I think because she started off doing substitute work at the beginning, that helps.
(05:05):
I've also had other people say, yeah, I was, what do they call them?
The-
Paras.
Thank you.
Or they're the student teachers.
What am I trying to say?
Like the ones that are still in the process of getting their degree, but-
Yeah, they're student teachers.
Is that what they're called?
Student teachers.
(05:25):
Yeah.
I usually do that like your last or second to last semester before you graduate.
And so it almost, you almost are kind of para or kind of a replacement.
It's like being engaged.
Ooh, I like that.
Yeah.
It's like being engaged.
You're not quite boyfriend girlfriend.
You're not boyfriend girlfriend anymore, but you're not quite married.
It's like, I'm almost a teacher.
I'm not just a college student, but I'm not a teacher.
(05:48):
Correct.
I could do this.
No, I can't.
I can do this, but I'm really glad I've got somebody over me.
Right.
Right, right, right, right, right, right.
That part, that part.
And so yeah.
Yeah.
And so it was, it was, it is, it's nice when the people come in and they're like, you know,
cause it is, it's like, well, how long have you been teaching or what is your degree?
(06:11):
And I'm like, not this, not this, but I love kids and they seem to respond fairly well
to me.
So this is what I'm doing right now.
And it's, it's working for the moment until we move on to the next thing.
That's right.
So what are we doing?
What are we talking about today?
(06:32):
What are we doing?
So today kind of, it's like, it was like a springboard from an earlier conversation.
They usually are.
They usually are.
But for fun, I'm going to call this episode Ripple Therapy.
I, you're so funny cause that's exactly, and that's why I said, let's just go record them.
(06:52):
I always put titles on everything.
It does.
I like that you put titles on things.
I do.
It's like, I want to like name everything.
It's like, I got a name for this and a name for that.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Ripple therapy.
Ripple therapy.
So what got you to say ripple therapy?
So we were talking just about relationship stuff, marriage stuff.
(07:12):
Cause that's what we do.
Cause that's what we do.
Cause we're boring and that, that, that, that, that's a lot of our conversations.
We talk about marriage.
We're not boring?
I, I'm okay with being boring.
I wear it like a badge of honor.
I don't know about y'all, but I wear it like a badge of honor.
I'm okay with being boring.
I'm all right.
We are not boring.
(07:36):
We just came back from a great adventure of a whole bunch of dogs.
That's why her puppy is laying on my foot tired.
Anyway.
But so I say, I say ripple therapy cause we were talking and I was like, you know, cause
we were like, you know, okay, marriage is going good.
Marriage is going good.
And then something happens and it's like, you know, sometimes spouses get over a bump
(08:03):
in the road at different, at different speeds.
You know, sometimes, you know, like, let's say I messed something up, you know, I might
get over it quicker than you did, you know, or something like that.
And so all of a sudden in my mind came the image of if you picture the ideal marriage
(08:24):
or, you know, everything in your marriage is going good, going well, going smooth.
You guys are clicking and all that.
Think of it like a still calm lake.
You know, you've got, you know, that's, it's that mirror image.
It's that, you know, nice and calm still.
And then you throw a rock in it.
And you know, that initial splash will go away, but how far out do those ripples go?
(08:52):
And how long do they still go out?
And then you're like, yeah.
And also how deep do those, does that splash go?
You know, so even though that initial splash, that initial crash, that initial obstacle,
whatever happens, it's like you can still deal with the after effects.
Right.
You know, those waves that are still going.
(09:13):
And even though the waves aren't turbulent, they're enough to disturb the calm surface.
Right.
You know, or the calm, what's, you know, the calm that's under the surface.
Right.
And I think that's, that's one of those things that we, we kind of want to talk about today
because you know, if, if something happened, let's say I completely messed up.
(09:38):
Let's say I forgot our anniversary, totally blew it.
Yeah.
You know, and you know, after a while it's like, you know, yep, I'm good.
Okay.
I messed up.
We move forward.
Even though you might be okay, there still might be some after effects dealing, you know,
(09:58):
you dealing with that.
Right.
You know, or I come to you and I say, you know what, something happened at work.
I'm not working there anymore.
I'm going to find a new job.
Right.
And you know, that, that initial splash of I'm not working there anymore.
Right.
And then it's like, okay, but you know, then we're, we're moving on, we're moving on.
(10:21):
But then all of a sudden, you know, there's still, there still could be some, some waves,
some turbulence of, oh my gosh, Luke just lost his job or Luke quit his job.
And we've talked many times about one of the things that a lot of women consciously or
(10:42):
subconsciously look to men as the provider, you know, and a lot of men see themselves
consciously or unconsciously, subconsciously as I am the provider for my family.
Right.
That might cause some turbulence in your mind or the mind of a wife and say, is he that
(11:03):
stable provider?
Right.
Right.
If that splash happened there, could another splash happen over here?
Right.
And I think a lot of what needs to be set because ultimately things will happen.
Life happens.
Yeah.
And whether intentionally, unintentionally, sometimes also the worst case scenarios, you
(11:26):
know, somebody, maybe something happened, somebody became unfaithful, maybe, you know,
something tragic happened, just physically, somebody can't do things anymore, stuff of
that nature.
So that's what we have talked about, we have talked about in the past.
I think a lot of times, you know, like when you hear, when you're talking about ripple
(11:47):
effect, I also hear, oh, I'm just waiting for the other shoe to drop.
Right.
And I think how you recover from the ripples is what's going to help you move forward on
how you recover for the rest of that leg of the journey.
(12:12):
Does that make sense?
Yes.
Kind of like having a real conversation because one of the things was, is here's the deal
guys, Luke and I are incredibly observant.
Also a lot of, a lot of people come and they talk to us.
We never ever, ever, ever, ever, please understand, ever want to ever uncover anybody that has
(12:37):
ever come to us to have any kind of conversations.
That's not who we are.
We do take these things that are brought to us or that we observe and we'll say, man,
okay, how would we handle this?
How could we handle this better?
So that way we can bring it to the table maybe and help use it as a springboard for either
(13:01):
that same couple or somebody else instead of a stumbling block.
So that way they can successfully get through whatever it is that season that they're in.
And so when we, when we see different people in the ripple effect that we were talking
about was, you know, had a friend saying, Hey, like I, we, we still want to come and
(13:24):
talk to you guys.
Okay.
Well, we understand that it's been a really long time since we even initially brought
this up, but you know, this is, this is still what we want to do.
And I was like, Oh, okay.
And I said, or we could just get together and we could talk and this would be me and
the other wife.
Yeah.
And she says, but it's like, no, all of us.
(13:45):
It has to be all of us because it concerns him.
And I'm like, okay.
And I'm standing back going, okay, where the husband might've already gotten past it.
Everything is fine.
Or they, they themselves have gotten past it, but there's still, there's still a stirring
and I'm showing like my hand underneath the water.
(14:06):
Like there's still this stirring of like, yeah, we might surface be good, but like,
I want to be able to recover from this because I want, I want to be able to continue to walk
this path stronger, better together.
Yeah.
It's, you know, again, it's, it's kind of like, you know, you know, a lot of, you know,
(14:27):
that, you know, and we've talked about it, that we're starting our relationship coaching.
Correct.
In fact, I just, well, you just signed me up, but I agreed to it.
I was going to say with your permission.
But I am now signed up to get my certification as well.
Correct.
To be a relationship coach.
(14:48):
So we're both going to be armed, dangerous and certified.
That's right.
Literally, cause you just got a pew pew.
I did.
So yeah, so that's fine.
But, you know, but again, it's, you know, when it comes to that, it's, it's, we're
not just going to say, well, this is what we've done.
Right.
Or this is what we would do.
Right.
(15:08):
So we're going to still look at, you know, just like any kind of coach or any kind of,
you know, teacher, it's like, we're going to look at case studies.
We're going to look at past scenarios.
We're going to look at, you know, Hey, I've seen this happen.
I've seen this work.
I've seen this not work.
I've seen this turn into a dumpster fire.
(15:30):
Right.
You know, it's like, when you were saying that, it's like, I almost wanted to go back
to, you know, our earlier conversation of, you know, teaching.
It's like, you know, when you're, when you, because I did go to school for a little while
to try to be a teacher.
You did.
You know, so you get a lot of those, oh, student A was acting like this in the classroom.
(15:50):
How would you as a teacher react?
It's like, you know, they're obviously not going to say, well, Johnny, it, you know,
PSA 14 in New York City, you know, in 1924, you know, they're not going to, they're not
going to give the specifics, but they're going to give a general.
Yeah.
You know, and, and that's, that's like, that's what we'll do.
(16:11):
Yeah.
That's what we do do.
We're not making you guys case studies.
No.
But we are, we're in this together.
I mean, I think that that's what I want to tell a lot of people is like one of the main
reasons why we bring a lot of these conversations up to the surface.
Number one, I mean, it's so funny because we're upfront, we're undivided, right?
You want to, but you can't, you can be undivided on something and be like, all right, we're
(16:35):
in, you know, it.
Yeah.
Uh, formidable force and whatever, and all the things, but it's like the, but if, but
if we aren't upfront and we have questions and it's like, we go into battle, okay, we'll
talk about military stuff and you and I, we go into battle.
I got to know that you have my back.
I got to know that you're in it.
(16:57):
Like you're in this.
And I, I know that I'll even tell them myself.
What was it?
It was just Friday when I looked at you and I'm like, I'm having a really hard time.
And you're like texting me and saying, I love you.
I have only eyes for you kind of thing.
Whatever.
I was being a girl guys.
That's all I can tell you.
I am a girl and thank you.
(17:20):
But it, it, it was one of those things.
I just needed to have some reassurance of, Hey, you got my back, right?
Like for better, for worse, for thicker or thin, cause like, I don't feel very pretty
right now in all of the things.
Right.
And like, we're in this, right?
We're doing this.
Right.
And you're like, absolutely.
(17:41):
I haven't changed my mind.
You know?
And I think even in the midst of the hard, you know, when we've been through hard situations
in our lives, when we see other marriages that are going through hard situations, whether
it's an addiction or porn or infidelity or just no communication, no communication.
(18:12):
And what do you mean Dina?
No communication.
Like they don't talk.
They don't think they're in the same space, but they're living different lives.
Or they don't go anything beyond the surface.
They don't go beyond the surface.
Like we, and we have encountered all of y'all, I think for the most part.
But the thing is that we want to look at you guys and say, I promise, I promise, I promise.
(18:33):
If you guys get on the same page and you're honest and, and you're, you're honest even
about the ripples, you're honest with each other.
When one says, maybe the one that made the ripple says, but like, I thought we were past
this.
And the one that had the ripples done, they just go, yeah, but if you could just give
me a second, let me walk through this.
(18:55):
Or even if they are past, you know, it's, they're still sometimes dealing with the after
effects.
Correct.
You know, it's like, no, I'm, I'm, I'm past that.
Yeah.
But I'm still having some aftershocks because of it for some reason.
Yeah.
Can you, let's just talk.
Like I, for better or for worse, or well, they did this.
(19:15):
And so like I'm bouncing and you want to say, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Like just because things get hard and the ripples happen or the storms come, that that's,
that's not time for you to abandon ship.
That's time for you to lock down and look at each other and say, Hey, there's some stuff
(19:35):
we need to fix.
We need to work on this.
What can I do to either help you or what can we do to fix this together?
Yeah.
And one thing we've learned, you know, we've, we've, it's, it's happened with us, you know,
we've, we've, we have firsthand knowledge and experience with this.
We've, we've witnessed it in others.
We've heard it from others, not just in marriage, but throughout so many parts of life that
(20:01):
if you have a question about something, if we have a question about something, there's
a whole lot of people that have the same question.
Oh my gosh.
Or the same issue, if you will, or the same concern.
Yep.
We tell our daughter a lot.
You are not an anomaly.
Yeah.
And it's like, I think back to, you know, we were doing a marriage thing and we had
(20:24):
split the guys and the girls.
And one of the guys brought something up and all of a sudden, like, it seemed like it was
really weird.
Like you said, like four or five other guys.
There were, there were like, you know, all of a sudden it was like going around the circle,
you know, it was like, Oh my gosh, I deal with that too.
Oh, I deal with that too.
Yep.
I deal with that too.
I deal with, you know, and all of a sudden all these guys were like, I thought I was
(20:45):
the only one.
Man.
See the enemy.
The enemy is a punk because he genuinely makes you think I am the only one that has ever
dealt with this.
And it's like, Oh no, no, no, no, no, no.
You know, it might be happening to you.
It's happening to two of you, maybe in a different kind of way.
Yeah.
But ultimately like, how are you going to move forward successfully together?
(21:08):
Yeah.
And that, and I think that's why we do bring up the, you know, the, the examples and the
case studies and the, you know, well, we've heard this question from other couples or,
you know, we, we know couples that, that have gone through this or have had these concerns.
And it's like, because it's, it's that reminder of, Oh yeah, we're not that unique, you know,
(21:33):
or we're not an anomaly.
You know, it's like, yes, every, or not every, but most marriages have that thought or have
that concern or have gone through this phase.
Yeah.
It was like, Oh, okay.
Yeah.
Well, they're strong and all these other couples made it through fine.
So we're okay.
Yeah.
Or let's be honest, because I think probably potentially the majority of the people that
(21:57):
do listen to us are Christians.
Yeah.
A lot of people say, Oh, well, we're Christians.
We shouldn't be going through this.
Maybe there's something wrong with us or somebody's going to think less of our walk with God.
If we tell them what's going on with us.
And that is, that is an absolute bonafide number one lie from the enemy.
(22:21):
And you are not the only one that is dealing with things.
Yeah.
Cause I mean, how many times have we, you know, just in generic, you know, just not
even church leaders, but leaders in general, it's like, how many times have we had the
conversation of, you know, if they would just say, you know what I was wrong in this case
and here's how I'm going to make it better.
Yeah.
It's like, man, how many people would be like, Oh, that's awesome.
(22:42):
I will follow you again.
Yep.
I will keep following you because you know how to admit when you're wrong.
Yep.
Or, you know, you know what?
I, I said this or I started us off in this direction and that is the wrong direction.
So we're going to course correct.
Yep.
I babe, like that's it.
Right?
Like I'm sorry.
Yeah.
(23:02):
I was wrong.
Yeah.
I messed up.
Whatever it is, however you want to play it out with your spouse.
I was wrong.
I didn't handle that well.
Yeah.
That was, that was my bad.
Yeah.
Right?
Like you say those kinds of words to your spouse.
I know that you and I have said it to each other.
(23:23):
Like that you just stand back and you just like that person, you go, okay, excellent.
You know, now what, where do we go from here?
Right?
But the fact is that it's been acknowledged.
The thing has been exposed and now you can kind of just use, you get to start laying
some groundwork and figuring out how to get your footing back.
(23:45):
Yeah.
And that's, that's the key because it is, it's the, you know, it's like, I've heard
it so many times.
It's like, don't just, don't just come up with a, Hey, here's what's wrong.
But you know, come up with a solution, you know, propose a solution.
It's like, you know what?
We are wrong or I was wrong.
Or you know, I know we messed up here or I messed up here and I want to make this right.
(24:09):
So I think this is what we should do going forward.
And let's have a conversation of, is that even a good path forward?
Or should we shift it into another direction?
Yeah.
You know, it's, it's so much, it's like, there are times I'm like, we're so boring
because we have like, we have like three solutions, you know, to like everything that happens
(24:31):
in a marriage, we have like three solutions.
It's, you know, you know, pray about it, talk about it, go on a date.
There's more to it than that.
I promise.
When you come to our coaching sessions, we will have, we'll give you like four or five
solutions.
But you don't want to give someone too many.
You know what I mean?
(24:52):
It's like, it's gotta be cut and dry.
It really, and it is, it's like, I do, I joke, I joke, we're boring.
It's like, just talk about it.
It's like, I do.
I feel like there's so many things it's like, we talk about it.
It's like, this is going on in marriage and this is going on in marriage.
It's like, are people talking?
Did you talk about this?
Did you have a conversation with your spouse?
(25:14):
Oh, I can't, I can't, oh, this bugs me.
Have you talked to them about it?
No, no, I just know it's just gonna make her mad and you want to go.
I think our marriage needs to go in this direction.
Have you prayed about it?
Have you prayed about that?
I think we should buy a new house.
Have you prayed about it?
Did you have a conversation with your spouse about it?
(25:35):
Or are you just gonna like, what is it?
It's the running joke of showing up on the commercials that they do around Christmas
time.
Look, I bought you a new car.
It's like, how are you going out and spending 40, $50,000?
Was it a parody kind of thing that we saw?
There was a parody.
She's like, are you crazy?
You haven't been working for nine months.
(25:56):
The son's like, dad?
But even the commercials that aren't a parody, it's like, how are you?
How are you doing this without your spouse knowing?
You're going and spending $40,000 to $50,000 on a vehicle and complete surprise, not even
in roping your spouse in on this conversation.
(26:18):
How are you doing this?
Why are you doing this?
In my mind, listen, because one day you and I, we're gonna have money.
I would love to do it for you, but I think... No, no, here's what I would do.
We win the lottery.
I would love to just take you to a car lot and be like, babe, pick.
The world is your oyster.
(26:40):
Drive away in whatever you want to drive away.
Right, right.
But I think even if... Gosh, I don't know.
Maybe millionaires and billionaires are a completely different breed, and I understand.
I'm sure we have some 30,000 feeder people that maybe listen to us.
Maybe I'll give a benefit.
(27:01):
Okay, for those of y'all that do, listen, please, please, please still be the person
that has a conversation with your spouse with the smallest of things, because I think that
that is the key.
See it hit me.
That jumped in my spirit, because it's like, that's the key, Dina.
What's the key?
The key is you keep communication open, constant, constant.
(27:24):
You talk about it.
You talk about it.
You have conversation, because it is... Listen, we have friends that are blessed in that space,
and they talk, and then we also have friends that are blessed in that space, and we go,
do you guys even talk?
Right?
It's like it's the space of... Because in my mind, when you live in that kind of realm,
(27:53):
even if you're a thousandaire, hundredaire, a hundred thousandaire, right?
Okay, we'll even go with a smaller.
You are hooked to this person.
You are my ride or die.
Like I have purchases.
I'll do grocery shops.
(28:14):
I'll do the things, but for the most part, for any major kind of situation, like this
is... It's a conversation.
It could be the fastest conversation.
Babe, what do you think of that?
Oh, absolutely.
Yeah.
Don't even think twice about it.
No, that's fine.
I have a piece about that.
Let's go for that.
Is that something that we can do that's in our budget?
Excellent.
Okay, yeah.
There we go.
(28:34):
Just with our daughter's car, right?
Just the whole thing of, okay, well, yep, this is what she brought to the table.
Do we have it to match it?
Yep, we do.
Okay.
Thank you, Father.
Thank you, Father, for blessing us to where we can bless our daughter.
Excellent.
Let's move on.
But I think it's a trust.
It's a trust thing because I think of Karen and Charlie, okay?
(28:55):
So Mama Karen, Papa Charlie, right?
I remember them distinctly telling me this one day, and I told you this.
He's like, I trust Mama to go to the grocery store with a certain amount of list, with
a certain amount of money.
I've learned that I can trust her in the small.
The Word of God.
God will, if he can trust you in the small, he can bless you with more, right?
(29:22):
It's a place of trust.
It's a place of having a space where you say, I can trust you with my heart.
I can trust you with finances.
I can trust you with this.
I can trust you with that.
Would I love for you to bless me with a surprise trip, like me texting you yesterday and saying,
(29:42):
when is your 50th?
And you laughing at me going, in two years, babe.
And I'm like, no, dad, silly.
That's not what I'm asking.
I didn't finish my thought.
I'm literally thinking about this as I'm sleep texting you, when is your 50th?
And no, when is football season, babe, in two years?
(30:04):
Because we said it on last week's episode.
We want to bless you with a 50th to do whatever you want.
But you're going to be involved in this conversation.
Would I like to be able to surprise you in that kind of manner?
But I want to be able to look at you and say, maybe you had some other plan.
(30:27):
Maybe there was something else that needed to be handled.
Maybe something else was that it's under my radar.
It's not because I'm wife, you're husband, because I expect the same from you.
I'm husband, you're wife, but you're also the one that manages our household.
Babe, is this something?
So not that we're trying to tell you guys what to do with your finances, but we're saying
(30:49):
just even the smallest of things.
You may not know all of the 15 things going on with our children.
I give you a rundown of what's happening with our kids.
Do you have to know?
No.
Do you like to know?
Yes.
Because it's important.
Yeah.
Is our daughter coming home today?
Is she, where is she?
I'd like to know what's going on with her.
(31:10):
You know, kind of thing.
What's happening with our son?
Okay.
Is there something we need to be taking care of?
You know, it's like, it's the small things.
It's being engaged in the things.
You tell me about work.
I step into your shop just yesterday, day before, Friday.
Friday.
(31:30):
Yeah, Friday.
Step into your shop.
I'm looking at you.
Are you okay?
No.
Yeah.
What can I do?
I can't do anything, but I can listen.
I can be in that space with you, right?
I can be in that ripple with you because I didn't do the ripple.
Okay.
(31:51):
So let's take away the ripples that like, well, Dina, my spouse and I, like, we're cool.
Like we're doing all the right things.
Okay.
But there's life.
Life creates ripples.
Be in that ripple with your spouse.
Maybe you just need that, just that reassurance of me looking at you and saying, baby, this
has nothing to do with you.
(32:12):
This has everything to do with what you have literally been brought into.
This is, you're not incompetent.
This is not a complete picture.
So it's going to be difficult.
Right?
So it's like us reminding each other, even in the midst of the ripples that we ourselves
have not created, but have been created to us being in that space with your spouse and
(32:35):
saying, what do you need from me right now?
Do you need me to figure it out?
Do you need me to listen?
Do you need me to shut up?
What do you need to go for a drive and just let me, like, just let you be?
What do you need from me so I can help you regain the calm in the midst of this?
(32:59):
Yeah.
That was a lot of talking.
That was me a whole lot of talking.
Sorry.
I apparently had more to say about this than I thought.
Yes, you did.
That's okay.
But I think it's just, it is, it's just coming from a, I'll say just from the wife's standpoint,
you know, and I think sometimes just based off of the DNA of how God has designed men
(33:24):
and women, I'm not going to, I'm not going to blanket statement it across the board,
but you know, a lot of times fellows do respond differently than females.
And that's okay, because I believe that there's certain things inside of you guys that God
has designed specifically for that reason.
Like there's some things that just have to roll off your back.
(33:46):
They just have to, right?
Because if they don't, it's going to crush you where we, you know, our favorite thing,
you and me, like you're the headline guy.
Yeah.
Babe, what's going on?
I don't know.
This is what I know.
Yeah.
What about this?
I don't know.
(34:06):
This is what I know.
Yeah.
But what about that?
Yeah.
I don't know.
This is what I know.
Yeah.
This is, you know, and where I'm incredibly detailed.
Yeah.
You know, or it could be vice versa, but.
And there are times I want to tell you, I just, just give me the highlights.
Just give me the highlights.
Just give me the headlines.
You're like, I don't want to know all this.
Yeah.
And I'm like, you know what?
This is, this is who you are.
(34:27):
I just, I just got to roll with it.
Yes.
And I appreciate that.
Yeah.
And I think I've said that enough to you personally, privately, but I will say this to the listeners.
And I want you guys to take a page out of our book.
Luke and I look at each other on a fairly constant basis and say, I sure do appreciate
(34:50):
you.
Can I, can I just tell you why I appreciate you?
And then fill in the blank.
Like, like, especially Luke and I coming from, this is our second marriage, second and final
marriages of looking at him at times and saying, thank you for giving me space.
(35:13):
Thank you for giving me space to be.
Thank you for giving me space to cry.
Thank you for giving me space to process.
Thank you for giving me space to give you word vomit.
If that's what I need in that moment, you know, you know, learn your spouse, learn,
(35:33):
learn what it takes for them to process the ripples.
Be the safe space for them to process the ripples and then don't, and also don't get
upset if you may not be part of their process or if, if maybe you're causing part of the
ripples and they just need to have a conversation or if they need to whatever they need, like,
(36:00):
and then the one that is maybe feeling like they're getting rippled up, like don't live
there too long, please, because that's also dangerous.
Don't don't think that every pebble that's getting dropped that, that your spouse or
is trying to sabotage you or trying to whatever, like, oh, they don't care about me because
look like they don't care.
(36:22):
Don't do that.
Like, like learn each other, figure each other out, figure out what needs to be done, figure
out what needs, what needs to, what needs to be done in that moment.
So that way your spouse feels safe to come back to center or peace again.
(36:46):
Feel safe enough to be your spouse.
Feel safe to be your, say it again.
Feel safe to be your spouse.
Feel safe to be your spouse.
Yeah.
Cause we're supposed to be in each other's safe space.
Yeah.
Like I want to be married to you.
Yeah.
Cause I know sometimes, you know, when people, you know, aren't, you know, when they are
dealing with some of these, these, these moments and the impacts and the splashes and the ripples,
(37:10):
it's like, you know, I, I need, you know, right now they need a friend or right now they
need this, right now they need this.
It's like, you know, be, be in that safe space where you can be their spouse.
Yes.
You know, cause, cause ultimately that's, that's going to help more than anything.
Agreed.
You know, they might need these other things, but, but ultimately they need you to be their
spouse.
Yeah.
(37:31):
You know, if, if they need, if they need something more, help them find that.
Yes.
If you need to give them extra support, cool.
Be extra support, but, but ultimately be their spouse because that's, that's what's needed.
That's good.
You know, and maybe understand when they need the friend outside of you.
(37:52):
Yeah.
Or if they need the pastor or if they need the confidant or they need the, yeah.
The phone call on my way from work, off of work.
So that way I can just talk to you, you know, to be that person, whatever it is, just be
the encouragement to say, I understand that I am not your answer.
(38:15):
God ultimately is your answer, but thankfully he also uses people in those spaces.
So yeah, I like that.
I like that a lot.
What is he doing?
I have no idea.
Sorry guys.
It sounds like thunder is above our heads and it's our son.
I think he's like trying out for the new Dumbo play that's coming out in his mind.
(38:37):
Something.
He's so funny.
Yeah.
This is our world.
Welcome to it.
Yep.
I like it.
Yeah, that was good.
Was there anything else?
No, I think that was it.
Yeah.
I think we hit it.
I think we hit it all.
I like it.
Yeah.
Take time, make time to take time.
Take time to make time.
Take time, take time to make time.
Is that my thought?
(38:58):
Yeah.
Make sure you do that this week guys.
Hold hands.
Yeah.
Go for a walk.
Be intentional.
Be up in each other's business.
Pray talk and date.
Pray talk and date.
I do like what one of our pastors says.
What is it?
He says play and pray and play.
(39:19):
What does he say?
Yeah.
Pray together and play together.
Yeah.
Something like that.
I like that too.
But yeah, be intentional guys and don't forget to laugh in the midst of it.
All right guys.
Have the best week.
Enjoy the journey.
Take time, make time for prayer.
Hello and welcome back to another episode of Upfront and Undivided with Luke and Dean'na..
(00:13):
Hi.
Hey.
How's it going?
She's so funny.
Like I want to, hi babe.
Hi.
I want to.
We've got Sparx with us.
We have Sparx with us and it's like, I think of, cause I do the intro for In the Real with
Marsha and Heather, right?
And I've now fit Albus and our silent sound guy who is you in my intro.
(00:40):
And I'm like, do we need to start putting Sparx in here?
Cause like, she is passed out.
Just about.
Yeah.
She is like, I'm home.
Her and our son just are like, I'm surprised he didn't get in PJs.
So yeah, I'm good.
I'm good.
(01:00):
I just think she's funny.
I think she's funny.
Cause hi, welcome to Upfront and Undivided with Luke and Dina.
It's sparks.
How are you?
I'm tired.
How are you?
I mean, I think that that's probably what our people are going to come off of listening
to this one going.
(01:22):
You guys are right.
Yeah, no, we're good.
We're good.
We're good.
We are good.
We're good.
Yeah.
Tired.
Yeah.
I've been doing a lot of subbing.
You're doing a new position of detail.
Yeah.
We'll just call it a detail because it's a, it's a, it's for set time, but it's like a
(01:45):
short term new job, but whether you want to do it or not, it's you.
You said it best to me.
Can I, can I say what you said?
You said it best to me.
Cause I was like, are you okay?
And you said it's like going from first gear to fourth and anybody that has ever drive
(02:07):
driven a manual knows that that is really rough.
That's a rough transition.
You may not recover your transmission.
Like it could be bad.
It could create some serious damage or you have to like do some quick footwork on the
fly.
And that is what you feel like you're doing right now.
(02:28):
And unfortunately, um, I keep reminding you that a lot of what is happening really isn't
on you.
You're doing the best you can with what you have.
And if you do not have all of the pieces that you need for the puzzle, you can't complete
the puzzle.
(02:49):
You can only do what you can do.
So there's your side note guys.
If sometimes you feel like you're a little like, ah, am I tired because I'm exhausted
from doing multiple things or am I mentally, emotionally, maybe spiritually tired because
you're just, everything is just everything.
(03:13):
So but that's not what we're talking about today.
No, not today.
But we're just being real with you tired, tired.
And I'm dealing with a whole bunch of substitute or substitute positions, places, things.
I had a really good compliment though.
I told you about it for one of the teachers that told me that she's about to retire.
(03:34):
And it was like, so what are you going to do after?
And she's like, I said, you could substitute teach.
She goes, no, thank you.
And I was like, there's a special breed.
Aren't we?
And she was, you really are.
It takes a special human being to be able to, and I'm not tooting a horn, but it is.
It's like you're literally thrown in a classroom in front of students that there's a good chance
(03:56):
you may never have known.
And I'll say it's, for you and others that are in that position, it's refreshing to hear
a teacher say that because there are, it's such a, you've told enough stories and my
parents and sister being educators, I've heard enough stories.
And other friends that are educators.
(04:17):
And it's just, there's such a wide variety of teachers that have different views of substitutes.
I'll say it that way.
And you've run into a lot of the different types.
(04:39):
There are some teachers, full-time teachers out there that can't stand substitutes for
some reason.
And then you have the others like you had just a few days ago that truly appreciate
subs and then everybody in between.
It's the in-betweens, which kind of throws me a little bit, but it's okay.
And I think because she started off doing substitute work at the beginning, that helps.
(05:05):
I've also had other people say, yeah, I was, what do they call them?
The-
Paras.
Thank you.
Or they're the student teachers.
What am I trying to say?
Like the ones that are still in the process of getting their degree, but-
Yeah, they're student teachers.
Is that what they're called?
Student teachers.
(05:25):
Yeah.
I usually do that like your last or second to last semester before you graduate.
And so it almost, you almost are kind of para or kind of a replacement.
It's like being engaged.
Ooh, I like that.
Yeah.
It's like being engaged.
You're not quite boyfriend girlfriend.
You're not boyfriend girlfriend anymore, but you're not quite married.
It's like, I'm almost a teacher.
I'm not just a college student, but I'm not a teacher.
(05:48):
Correct.
I could do this.
No, I can't.
I can do this, but I'm really glad I've got somebody over me.
Right.
Right, right, right, right, right, right.
That part, that part.
And so yeah.
Yeah.
And so it was, it was, it is, it's nice when the people come in and they're like, you know,
cause it is, it's like, well, how long have you been teaching or what is your degree?
(06:11):
And I'm like, not this, not this, but I love kids and they seem to respond fairly well
to me.
So this is what I'm doing right now.
And it's, it's working for the moment until we move on to the next thing.
That's right.
So what are we doing?
What are we talking about today?
(06:32):
What are we doing?
So today kind of, it's like, it was like a springboard from an earlier conversation.
They usually are.
They usually are.
But for fun, I'm going to call this episode Ripple Therapy.
I, you're so funny cause that's exactly, and that's why I said, let's just go record them.
(06:52):
I always put titles on everything.
It does.
I like that you put titles on things.
I do.
It's like, I want to like name everything.
It's like, I got a name for this and a name for that.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Ripple therapy.
Ripple therapy.
So what got you to say ripple therapy?
So we were talking just about relationship stuff, marriage stuff.
(07:12):
Cause that's what we do.
Cause that's what we do.
Cause we're boring and that, that, that, that, that's a lot of our conversations.
We talk about marriage.
We're not boring?
I, I'm okay with being boring.
I wear it like a badge of honor.
I don't know about y'all, but I wear it like a badge of honor.
I'm okay with being boring.
I'm all right.
We are not boring.
(07:36):
We just came back from a great adventure of a whole bunch of dogs.
That's why her puppy is laying on my foot tired.
Anyway.
But so I say, I say ripple therapy cause we were talking and I was like, you know, cause
we were like, you know, okay, marriage is going good.
Marriage is going good.
And then something happens and it's like, you know, sometimes spouses get over a bump
(08:03):
in the road at different, at different speeds.
You know, sometimes, you know, like, let's say I messed something up, you know, I might
get over it quicker than you did, you know, or something like that.
And so all of a sudden in my mind came the image of if you picture the ideal marriage
(08:24):
or, you know, everything in your marriage is going good, going well, going smooth.
You guys are clicking and all that.
Think of it like a still calm lake.
You know, you've got, you know, that's, it's that mirror image.
It's that, you know, nice and calm still.
And then you throw a rock in it.
And you know, that initial splash will go away, but how far out do those ripples go?
(08:52):
And how long do they still go out?
And then you're like, yeah.
And also how deep do those, does that splash go?
You know, so even though that initial splash, that initial crash, that initial obstacle,
whatever happens, it's like you can still deal with the after effects.
Right.
You know, those waves that are still going.
(09:13):
And even though the waves aren't turbulent, they're enough to disturb the calm surface.
Right.
You know, or the calm, what's, you know, the calm that's under the surface.
Right.
And I think that's, that's one of those things that we, we kind of want to talk about today
because you know, if, if something happened, let's say I completely messed up.
(09:38):
Let's say I forgot our anniversary, totally blew it.
Yeah.
You know, and you know, after a while it's like, you know, yep, I'm good.
Okay.
I messed up.
We move forward.
Even though you might be okay, there still might be some after effects dealing, you know,
(09:58):
you dealing with that.
Right.
You know, or I come to you and I say, you know what, something happened at work.
I'm not working there anymore.
I'm going to find a new job.
Right.
And you know, that, that initial splash of I'm not working there anymore.
Right.
And then it's like, okay, but you know, then we're, we're moving on, we're moving on.
(10:21):
But then all of a sudden, you know, there's still, there still could be some, some waves,
some turbulence of, oh my gosh, Luke just lost his job or Luke quit his job.
And we've talked many times about one of the things that a lot of women consciously or
(10:42):
subconsciously look to men as the provider, you know, and a lot of men see themselves
consciously or unconsciously, subconsciously as I am the provider for my family.
Right.
That might cause some turbulence in your mind or the mind of a wife and say, is he that
(11:03):
stable provider?
Right.
Right.
If that splash happened there, could another splash happen over here?
Right.
And I think a lot of what needs to be set because ultimately things will happen.
Life happens.
Yeah.
And whether intentionally, unintentionally, sometimes also the worst case scenarios, you
(11:26):
know, somebody, maybe something happened, somebody became unfaithful, maybe, you know,
something tragic happened, just physically, somebody can't do things anymore, stuff of
that nature.
So that's what we have talked about, we have talked about in the past.
I think a lot of times, you know, like when you hear, when you're talking about ripple
(11:47):
effect, I also hear, oh, I'm just waiting for the other shoe to drop.
Right.
And I think how you recover from the ripples is what's going to help you move forward on
how you recover for the rest of that leg of the journey.
(12:12):
Does that make sense?
Yes.
Kind of like having a real conversation because one of the things was, is here's the deal
guys, Luke and I are incredibly observant.
Also a lot of, a lot of people come and they talk to us.
We never ever, ever, ever, ever, please understand, ever want to ever uncover anybody that has
(12:37):
ever come to us to have any kind of conversations.
That's not who we are.
We do take these things that are brought to us or that we observe and we'll say, man,
okay, how would we handle this?
How could we handle this better?
So that way we can bring it to the table maybe and help use it as a springboard for either
(13:01):
that same couple or somebody else instead of a stumbling block.
So that way they can successfully get through whatever it is that season that they're in.
And so when we, when we see different people in the ripple effect that we were talking
about was, you know, had a friend saying, Hey, like I, we, we still want to come and
(13:24):
talk to you guys.
Okay.
Well, we understand that it's been a really long time since we even initially brought
this up, but you know, this is, this is still what we want to do.
And I was like, Oh, okay.
And I said, or we could just get together and we could talk and this would be me and
the other wife.
Yeah.
And she says, but it's like, no, all of us.
(13:45):
It has to be all of us because it concerns him.
And I'm like, okay.
And I'm standing back going, okay, where the husband might've already gotten past it.
Everything is fine.
Or they, they themselves have gotten past it, but there's still, there's still a stirring
and I'm showing like my hand underneath the water.
(14:06):
Like there's still this stirring of like, yeah, we might surface be good, but like,
I want to be able to recover from this because I want, I want to be able to continue to walk
this path stronger, better together.
Yeah.
It's, you know, again, it's, it's kind of like, you know, you know, a lot of, you know,
(14:27):
that, you know, and we've talked about it, that we're starting our relationship coaching.
Correct.
In fact, I just, well, you just signed me up, but I agreed to it.
I was going to say with your permission.
But I am now signed up to get my certification as well.
Correct.
To be a relationship coach.
(14:48):
So we're both going to be armed, dangerous and certified.
That's right.
Literally, cause you just got a pew pew.
I did.
So yeah, so that's fine.
But, you know, but again, it's, you know, when it comes to that, it's, it's, we're
not just going to say, well, this is what we've done.
Right.
Or this is what we would do.
Right.
(15:08):
So we're going to still look at, you know, just like any kind of coach or any kind of,
you know, teacher, it's like, we're going to look at case studies.
We're going to look at past scenarios.
We're going to look at, you know, Hey, I've seen this happen.
I've seen this work.
I've seen this not work.
I've seen this turn into a dumpster fire.
(15:30):
Right.
You know, it's like, when you were saying that, it's like, I almost wanted to go back
to, you know, our earlier conversation of, you know, teaching.
It's like, you know, when you're, when you, because I did go to school for a little while
to try to be a teacher.
You did.
You know, so you get a lot of those, oh, student A was acting like this in the classroom.
(15:50):
How would you as a teacher react?
It's like, you know, they're obviously not going to say, well, Johnny, it, you know,
PSA 14 in New York City, you know, in 1924, you know, they're not going to, they're not
going to give the specifics, but they're going to give a general.
Yeah.
You know, and, and that's, that's like, that's what we'll do.
(16:11):
Yeah.
That's what we do do.
We're not making you guys case studies.
No.
But we are, we're in this together.
I mean, I think that that's what I want to tell a lot of people is like one of the main
reasons why we bring a lot of these conversations up to the surface.
Number one, I mean, it's so funny because we're upfront, we're undivided, right?
You want to, but you can't, you can be undivided on something and be like, all right, we're
(16:35):
in, you know, it.
Yeah.
Uh, formidable force and whatever, and all the things, but it's like the, but if, but
if we aren't upfront and we have questions and it's like, we go into battle, okay, we'll
talk about military stuff and you and I, we go into battle.
I got to know that you have my back.
I got to know that you're in it.
(16:57):
Like you're in this.
And I, I know that I'll even tell them myself.
What was it?
It was just Friday when I looked at you and I'm like, I'm having a really hard time.
And you're like texting me and saying, I love you.
I have only eyes for you kind of thing.
Whatever.
I was being a girl guys.
That's all I can tell you.
I am a girl and thank you.
(17:20):
But it, it, it was one of those things.
I just needed to have some reassurance of, Hey, you got my back, right?
Like for better, for worse, for thicker or thin, cause like, I don't feel very pretty
right now in all of the things.
Right.
And like, we're in this, right?
We're doing this.
Right.
And you're like, absolutely.
(17:41):
I haven't changed my mind.
You know?
And I think even in the midst of the hard, you know, when we've been through hard situations
in our lives, when we see other marriages that are going through hard situations, whether
it's an addiction or porn or infidelity or just no communication, no communication.
(18:12):
And what do you mean Dina?
No communication.
Like they don't talk.
They don't think they're in the same space, but they're living different lives.
Or they don't go anything beyond the surface.
They don't go beyond the surface.
Like we, and we have encountered all of y'all, I think for the most part.
But the thing is that we want to look at you guys and say, I promise, I promise, I promise.
(18:33):
If you guys get on the same page and you're honest and, and you're, you're honest even
about the ripples, you're honest with each other.
When one says, maybe the one that made the ripple says, but like, I thought we were past
this.
And the one that had the ripples done, they just go, yeah, but if you could just give
me a second, let me walk through this.
(18:55):
Or even if they are past, you know, it's, they're still sometimes dealing with the after
effects.
Correct.
You know, it's like, no, I'm, I'm, I'm past that.
Yeah.
But I'm still having some aftershocks because of it for some reason.
Yeah.
Can you, let's just talk.
Like I, for better or for worse, or well, they did this.
(19:15):
And so like I'm bouncing and you want to say, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Like just because things get hard and the ripples happen or the storms come, that that's,
that's not time for you to abandon ship.
That's time for you to lock down and look at each other and say, Hey, there's some stuff
(19:35):
we need to fix.
We need to work on this.
What can I do to either help you or what can we do to fix this together?
Yeah.
And one thing we've learned, you know, we've, we've, it's, it's happened with us, you know,
we've, we've, we have firsthand knowledge and experience with this.
We've, we've witnessed it in others.
We've heard it from others, not just in marriage, but throughout so many parts of life that
(20:01):
if you have a question about something, if we have a question about something, there's
a whole lot of people that have the same question.
Oh my gosh.
Or the same issue, if you will, or the same concern.
Yep.
We tell our daughter a lot.
You are not an anomaly.
Yeah.
And it's like, I think back to, you know, we were doing a marriage thing and we had
(20:24):
split the guys and the girls.
And one of the guys brought something up and all of a sudden, like, it seemed like it was
really weird.
Like you said, like four or five other guys.
There were, there were like, you know, all of a sudden it was like going around the circle,
you know, it was like, Oh my gosh, I deal with that too.
Oh, I deal with that too.
Yep.
I deal with that too.
I deal with, you know, and all of a sudden all these guys were like, I thought I was
(20:45):
the only one.
Man.
See the enemy.
The enemy is a punk because he genuinely makes you think I am the only one that has ever
dealt with this.
And it's like, Oh no, no, no, no, no, no.
You know, it might be happening to you.
It's happening to two of you, maybe in a different kind of way.
Yeah.
But ultimately like, how are you going to move forward successfully together?
(21:08):
Yeah.
And that, and I think that's why we do bring up the, you know, the, the examples and the
case studies and the, you know, well, we've heard this question from other couples or,
you know, we, we know couples that, that have gone through this or have had these concerns.
And it's like, because it's, it's that reminder of, Oh yeah, we're not that unique, you know,
(21:33):
or we're not an anomaly.
You know, it's like, yes, every, or not every, but most marriages have that thought or have
that concern or have gone through this phase.
Yeah.
It was like, Oh, okay.
Yeah.
Well, they're strong and all these other couples made it through fine.
So we're okay.
Yeah.
Or let's be honest, because I think probably potentially the majority of the people that
(21:57):
do listen to us are Christians.
Yeah.
A lot of people say, Oh, well, we're Christians.
We shouldn't be going through this.
Maybe there's something wrong with us or somebody's going to think less of our walk with God.
If we tell them what's going on with us.
And that is, that is an absolute bonafide number one lie from the enemy.
(22:21):
And you are not the only one that is dealing with things.
Yeah.
Cause I mean, how many times have we, you know, just in generic, you know, just not
even church leaders, but leaders in general, it's like, how many times have we had the
conversation of, you know, if they would just say, you know what I was wrong in this case
and here's how I'm going to make it better.
Yeah.
It's like, man, how many people would be like, Oh, that's awesome.
(22:42):
I will follow you again.
Yep.
I will keep following you because you know how to admit when you're wrong.
Yep.
Or, you know, you know what?
I, I said this or I started us off in this direction and that is the wrong direction.
So we're going to course correct.
Yep.
I babe, like that's it.
Right?
Like I'm sorry.
Yeah.
(23:02):
I was wrong.
Yeah.
I messed up.
Whatever it is, however you want to play it out with your spouse.
I was wrong.
I didn't handle that well.
Yeah.
That was, that was my bad.
Yeah.
Right?
Like you say those kinds of words to your spouse.
I know that you and I have said it to each other.
(23:23):
Like that you just stand back and you just like that person, you go, okay, excellent.
You know, now what, where do we go from here?
Right?
But the fact is that it's been acknowledged.
The thing has been exposed and now you can kind of just use, you get to start laying
some groundwork and figuring out how to get your footing back.
(23:45):
Yeah.
And that's, that's the key because it is, it's the, you know, it's like, I've heard
it so many times.
It's like, don't just, don't just come up with a, Hey, here's what's wrong.
But you know, come up with a solution, you know, propose a solution.
It's like, you know what?
We are wrong or I was wrong.
Or you know, I know we messed up here or I messed up here and I want to make this right.
(24:09):
So I think this is what we should do going forward.
And let's have a conversation of, is that even a good path forward?
Or should we shift it into another direction?
Yeah.
You know, it's, it's so much, it's like, there are times I'm like, we're so boring
because we have like, we have like three solutions, you know, to like everything that happens
(24:31):
in a marriage, we have like three solutions.
It's, you know, you know, pray about it, talk about it, go on a date.
There's more to it than that.
I promise.
When you come to our coaching sessions, we will have, we'll give you like four or five
solutions.
But you don't want to give someone too many.
You know what I mean?
(24:52):
It's like, it's gotta be cut and dry.
It really, and it is, it's like, I do, I joke, I joke, we're boring.
It's like, just talk about it.
It's like, I do.
I feel like there's so many things it's like, we talk about it.
It's like, this is going on in marriage and this is going on in marriage.
It's like, are people talking?
Did you talk about this?
Did you have a conversation with your spouse?
(25:14):
Oh, I can't, I can't, oh, this bugs me.
Have you talked to them about it?
No, no, I just know it's just gonna make her mad and you want to go.
I think our marriage needs to go in this direction.
Have you prayed about it?
Have you prayed about that?
I think we should buy a new house.
Have you prayed about it?
Did you have a conversation with your spouse about it?
(25:35):
Or are you just gonna like, what is it?
It's the running joke of showing up on the commercials that they do around Christmas
time.
Look, I bought you a new car.
It's like, how are you going out and spending 40, $50,000?
Was it a parody kind of thing that we saw?
There was a parody.
She's like, are you crazy?
You haven't been working for nine months.
(25:56):
The son's like, dad?
But even the commercials that aren't a parody, it's like, how are you?
How are you doing this without your spouse knowing?
You're going and spending $40,000 to $50,000 on a vehicle and complete surprise, not even
in roping your spouse in on this conversation.
(26:18):
How are you doing this?
Why are you doing this?
In my mind, listen, because one day you and I, we're gonna have money.
I would love to do it for you, but I think... No, no, here's what I would do.
We win the lottery.
I would love to just take you to a car lot and be like, babe, pick.
The world is your oyster.
(26:40):
Drive away in whatever you want to drive away.
Right, right.
But I think even if... Gosh, I don't know.
Maybe millionaires and billionaires are a completely different breed, and I understand.
I'm sure we have some 30,000 feeder people that maybe listen to us.
Maybe I'll give a benefit.
(27:01):
Okay, for those of y'all that do, listen, please, please, please still be the person
that has a conversation with your spouse with the smallest of things, because I think that
that is the key.
See it hit me.
That jumped in my spirit, because it's like, that's the key, Dina.
What's the key?
The key is you keep communication open, constant, constant.
(27:24):
You talk about it.
You talk about it.
You have conversation, because it is... Listen, we have friends that are blessed in that space,
and they talk, and then we also have friends that are blessed in that space, and we go,
do you guys even talk?
Right?
It's like it's the space of... Because in my mind, when you live in that kind of realm,
(27:53):
even if you're a thousandaire, hundredaire, a hundred thousandaire, right?
Okay, we'll even go with a smaller.
You are hooked to this person.
You are my ride or die.
Like I have purchases.
I'll do grocery shops.
(28:14):
I'll do the things, but for the most part, for any major kind of situation, like this
is... It's a conversation.
It could be the fastest conversation.
Babe, what do you think of that?
Oh, absolutely.
Yeah.
Don't even think twice about it.
No, that's fine.
I have a piece about that.
Let's go for that.
Is that something that we can do that's in our budget?
Excellent.
Okay, yeah.
There we go.
(28:34):
Just with our daughter's car, right?
Just the whole thing of, okay, well, yep, this is what she brought to the table.
Do we have it to match it?
Yep, we do.
Okay.
Thank you, Father.
Thank you, Father, for blessing us to where we can bless our daughter.
Excellent.
Let's move on.
But I think it's a trust.
It's a trust thing because I think of Karen and Charlie, okay?
(28:55):
So Mama Karen, Papa Charlie, right?
I remember them distinctly telling me this one day, and I told you this.
He's like, I trust Mama to go to the grocery store with a certain amount of list, with
a certain amount of money.
I've learned that I can trust her in the small.
The Word of God.
God will, if he can trust you in the small, he can bless you with more, right?
(29:22):
It's a place of trust.
It's a place of having a space where you say, I can trust you with my heart.
I can trust you with finances.
I can trust you with this.
I can trust you with that.
Would I love for you to bless me with a surprise trip, like me texting you yesterday and saying,
(29:42):
when is your 50th?
And you laughing at me going, in two years, babe.
And I'm like, no, dad, silly.
That's not what I'm asking.
I didn't finish my thought.
I'm literally thinking about this as I'm sleep texting you, when is your 50th?
And no, when is football season, babe, in two years?
(30:04):
Because we said it on last week's episode.
We want to bless you with a 50th to do whatever you want.
But you're going to be involved in this conversation.
Would I like to be able to surprise you in that kind of manner?
But I want to be able to look at you and say, maybe you had some other plan.
(30:27):
Maybe there was something else that needed to be handled.
Maybe something else was that it's under my radar.
It's not because I'm wife, you're husband, because I expect the same from you.
I'm husband, you're wife, but you're also the one that manages our household.
Babe, is this something?
So not that we're trying to tell you guys what to do with your finances, but we're saying
(30:49):
just even the smallest of things.
You may not know all of the 15 things going on with our children.
I give you a rundown of what's happening with our kids.
Do you have to know?
No.
Do you like to know?
Yes.
Because it's important.
Yeah.
Is our daughter coming home today?
Is she, where is she?
I'd like to know what's going on with her.
(31:10):
You know, kind of thing.
What's happening with our son?
Okay.
Is there something we need to be taking care of?
You know, it's like, it's the small things.
It's being engaged in the things.
You tell me about work.
I step into your shop just yesterday, day before, Friday.
Friday.
(31:30):
Yeah, Friday.
Step into your shop.
I'm looking at you.
Are you okay?
No.
Yeah.
What can I do?
I can't do anything, but I can listen.
I can be in that space with you, right?
I can be in that ripple with you because I didn't do the ripple.
Okay.
(31:51):
So let's take away the ripples that like, well, Dina, my spouse and I, like, we're cool.
Like we're doing all the right things.
Okay.
But there's life.
Life creates ripples.
Be in that ripple with your spouse.
Maybe you just need that, just that reassurance of me looking at you and saying, baby, this
has nothing to do with you.
(32:12):
This has everything to do with what you have literally been brought into.
This is, you're not incompetent.
This is not a complete picture.
So it's going to be difficult.
Right?
So it's like us reminding each other, even in the midst of the ripples that we ourselves
have not created, but have been created to us being in that space with your spouse and
(32:35):
saying, what do you need from me right now?
Do you need me to figure it out?
Do you need me to listen?
Do you need me to shut up?
What do you need to go for a drive and just let me, like, just let you be?
What do you need from me so I can help you regain the calm in the midst of this?
(32:59):
Yeah.
That was a lot of talking.
That was me a whole lot of talking.
Sorry.
I apparently had more to say about this than I thought.
Yes, you did.
That's okay.
But I think it's just, it is, it's just coming from a, I'll say just from the wife's standpoint,
you know, and I think sometimes just based off of the DNA of how God has designed men
(33:24):
and women, I'm not going to, I'm not going to blanket statement it across the board,
but you know, a lot of times fellows do respond differently than females.
And that's okay, because I believe that there's certain things inside of you guys that God
has designed specifically for that reason.
Like there's some things that just have to roll off your back.
(33:46):
They just have to, right?
Because if they don't, it's going to crush you where we, you know, our favorite thing,
you and me, like you're the headline guy.
Yeah.
Babe, what's going on?
I don't know.
This is what I know.
Yeah.
What about this?
I don't know.
(34:06):
This is what I know.
Yeah.
But what about that?
Yeah.
I don't know.
This is what I know.
Yeah.
This is, you know, and where I'm incredibly detailed.
Yeah.
You know, or it could be vice versa, but.
And there are times I want to tell you, I just, just give me the highlights.
Just give me the highlights.
Just give me the headlines.
You're like, I don't want to know all this.
Yeah.
And I'm like, you know what?
This is, this is who you are.
(34:27):
I just, I just got to roll with it.
Yes.
And I appreciate that.
Yeah.
And I think I've said that enough to you personally, privately, but I will say this to the listeners.
And I want you guys to take a page out of our book.
Luke and I look at each other on a fairly constant basis and say, I sure do appreciate
(34:50):
you.
Can I, can I just tell you why I appreciate you?
And then fill in the blank.
Like, like, especially Luke and I coming from, this is our second marriage, second and final
marriages of looking at him at times and saying, thank you for giving me space.
(35:13):
Thank you for giving me space to be.
Thank you for giving me space to cry.
Thank you for giving me space to process.
Thank you for giving me space to give you word vomit.
If that's what I need in that moment, you know, you know, learn your spouse, learn,
(35:33):
learn what it takes for them to process the ripples.
Be the safe space for them to process the ripples and then don't, and also don't get
upset if you may not be part of their process or if, if maybe you're causing part of the
ripples and they just need to have a conversation or if they need to whatever they need, like,
(36:00):
and then the one that is maybe feeling like they're getting rippled up, like don't live
there too long, please, because that's also dangerous.
Don't don't think that every pebble that's getting dropped that, that your spouse or
is trying to sabotage you or trying to whatever, like, oh, they don't care about me because
look like they don't care.
(36:22):
Don't do that.
Like, like learn each other, figure each other out, figure out what needs to be done, figure
out what needs, what needs to, what needs to be done in that moment.
So that way your spouse feels safe to come back to center or peace again.
(36:46):
Feel safe enough to be your spouse.
Feel safe to be your, say it again.
Feel safe to be your spouse.
Feel safe to be your spouse.
Yeah.
Cause we're supposed to be in each other's safe space.
Yeah.
Like I want to be married to you.
Yeah.
Cause I know sometimes, you know, when people, you know, aren't, you know, when they are
dealing with some of these, these, these moments and the impacts and the splashes and the ripples,
(37:10):
it's like, you know, I, I need, you know, right now they need a friend or right now they
need this, right now they need this.
It's like, you know, be, be in that safe space where you can be their spouse.
Yes.
You know, cause, cause ultimately that's, that's going to help more than anything.
Agreed.
You know, they might need these other things, but, but ultimately they need you to be their
spouse.
Yeah.
(37:31):
You know, if, if they need, if they need something more, help them find that.
Yes.
If you need to give them extra support, cool.
Be extra support, but, but ultimately be their spouse because that's, that's what's needed.
That's good.
You know, and maybe understand when they need the friend outside of you.
(37:52):
Yeah.
Or if they need the pastor or if they need the confidant or they need the, yeah.
The phone call on my way from work, off of work.
So that way I can just talk to you, you know, to be that person, whatever it is, just be
the encouragement to say, I understand that I am not your answer.
(38:15):
God ultimately is your answer, but thankfully he also uses people in those spaces.
So yeah, I like that.
I like that a lot.
What is he doing?
I have no idea.
Sorry guys.
It sounds like thunder is above our heads and it's our son.
I think he's like trying out for the new Dumbo play that's coming out in his mind.
(38:37):
Something.
He's so funny.
Yeah.
This is our world.
Welcome to it.
Yep.
I like it.
Yeah, that was good.
Was there anything else?
No, I think that was it.
Yeah.
I think we hit it.
I think we hit it all.
I like it.
Yeah.
Take time, make time to take time.
Take time to make time.
Take time, take time to make time.
Is that my thought?
(38:58):
Yeah.
Make sure you do that this week guys.
Hold hands.
Yeah.
Go for a walk.
Be intentional.
Be up in each other's business.
Pray talk and date.
Pray talk and date.
I do like what one of our pastors says.
What is it?
He says play and pray and play.
(39:19):
What does he say?
Yeah.
Pray together and play together.
Yeah.
Something like that.
I like that too.
But yeah, be intentional guys and don't forget to laugh in the midst of it.
All right guys.
Have the best week.
Enjoy the journey.
Take time, make time for prayer.
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