January 2, 2025 • 66 mins
This episode tackles the critical issue of domestic violence, using recent allegations against Sean Diddy Combs as a springboard for discussion. Phoenix Rose shares her personal journey through an abusive relationship, shedding light on the psychological dynamics at play and offering vital insights into the healing process.
• Overview of recent allegations against celebrities
• Phoenix Rose shares her personal experience in an abusive relationship
• Discussion of red flags and signs of narcissistic relationships
• The spike in domestic violence during the pandemic
• Importance of finding support and building a safety plan
• Strategies for overcoming feelings of shame and guilt
• Tips for recognizing your worth and reclaiming your voice
• Pathways to healing and recovery through self-empowerment and professional help.
National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-7233 (SAFE) or 1-800-787-3224 (TTY)
Teen Dating Violence Hotline: 1-866-331-9474
StrongHearts Native Helpline: 1-844-762-8483
Email: Phoenix Rose WalkinginALOHA@gmail.com
Webite: BlessedToBeABlessingWorldwide.com
Fan Mail Be apart of the show, or send your suggestions or feedback.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:01):
Welcome to US Phenomenon, where possibilities
are endless.
Put down those same oldheadlines.
It's time to expand your mindand question what if?
From paranormal activity toUFOs, bigfoot sightings and
unsolved mysteries, this is USPhenomenon?
Speaker 2 (00:22):
From the Pacific Northwest in the shadow of the
1962 World's Fair, the SpaceNeedle.
I am your host, Mario Magana.
This is US Phenomenon, where weexplore the extraordinary and
the unexplained, the latestheadlines and the pressing
issues.
Today we discuss the shockingallegations against rapper
musician mogul Sean Diddy Combs,accused of kidnapping, drugging
(00:46):
and coercing women into sexualactivities, alleged through
using of firearms.
Threats of violence Combscharges span decades.
A widely seen graphic videoshown the rapper assaulting his
girlfriend in a hotel.
Joining us to shed light on thepervasive issue of intimate
partner violence is phoenix rose.
(01:07):
She'll reveal the unseen reasonwomen stay with those who hurt
them, what domestic violencevictims have in common with
their abusers and why theoccurrence of domestic violence
spiked dramatically during thepandemic pho.
Phoenix also shares herpersonal stories of escaping a
(01:28):
violent relationship andrebuilding her life, offering
real, actionable advice forpeople to help themselves or
their loved ones do the same.
Phoenix is the author ofWalking in Aloha Five Steps to
Living.
It is my pleasure to welcome toUS Phenomenon Phoenix Rose.
(01:49):
Welcome to the show.
Speaker 3 (01:52):
Aloha.
Thank you for having me.
Speaker 2 (01:56):
Obviously not always the most sexiest of topics to
talk about on this show, but Ithought the insight because it
is so fresh, so relevant rightnow.
And what's been going on theallegations between Sean Diddy
Combs and his victims now thenew allegations with Jay-Z are
(02:17):
coming out and how the courtsare now saying, hey, you're not
going to dictate and mandate howfast we go through this process
.
Can you share with us what madeyou decide to write this book?
Speaker 3 (02:36):
Well, you know, there's just so much out there
and I, at first I didn't want to.
Actually that's the truth, youknow, because you don't want to
relive all of the mess.
Speaker 2 (02:49):
Sure.
Speaker 3 (02:50):
I want to say crap.
I mean, you know you don't wantto yeah, you don't want to, you
don't want to relive it.
But I have close friends thatwere going through it and just
by sharing my story they weresaying I really wish you wrote
this book, because one of myreally good friends, she ended
(03:12):
up moving from Hawaii toColorado to help her daughter
and she said it would havehelped her if I wrote the book.
And I was like you know what itneeds to get written, and so I
had to put my story out to shareit, so that other people
wouldn't have to go through or,you know, at least have some
(03:35):
kind of help going through thesteps and not have to feel that
they were alone.
That's the hardest thing whenyou feel like you're alone and
you're doing this all byyourself and no one ever went
through it.
But no, it's not the truth.
There's a lot of people goingthrough it.
It's just a silent thing wherenobody wants to talk about it I
(03:57):
was just going to say.
Speaker 2 (03:57):
This is one of these topics that no one wants to
share or talk about, because itif, if you're the victim, you
you feel like you're beingshamed or looked down upon in
regards to something that isgoing on in your life, when
reality is, is that you, youneed, you need, you need friends
and family to help get youthrough the situation at hand,
(04:20):
and I thought this would be agreat opportunity within the new
year for those who may bedriving listening watching us on
the podcast.
We want to make sure that, ifyou're sensitive to these things
, come back and listen to theshow.
If you're driving and you'relike I can't listen, please
listen.
Maybe you have a friend thatmay need help.
Maybe you, maybe you, are theone who may need help.
(04:42):
There are crisis hotlines thatare anonymous that you can get
help the National DomesticViolence Hotline, 1-800-799-7233
.
We'll have those posted in thepodcast as well as if you're
watching us on the stream.
When I saw this, I was like,okay, how do we approach this on
(05:04):
a level that everyone, fromanyone, from a teenager all the
way up to 99, because thisreally spans all generations it
happens to everyone, right, inregards to these types of issues
domestic violence and becominga victim, these types of issues
(05:25):
that you know, domestic violenceand becoming a victim.
Phoenix, can you share with ushow this all started for you?
When you like, how did you,where did this all begin for you
?
When you started, you know,thinking of, about this book and
like obviously you went througha dramatic time.
(05:48):
But when you're going throughthat, that process, take us back
to being in the relationship.
Like, talk about that with us.
Share a little bit, uh, if youcould, about that relationship
and where you thought it.
Speaker 3 (05:53):
Things were so great, but really you, the red flags,
were really there yeah, you know, that's the thing where people
get into the relationship and itseems so great and in a
narcissistic relationship, thatis what they do.
(06:14):
They really pour on the, thehoney.
I guess they pour on what makesit really good, and you almost
feel, um, overwhelmed and lostin all of this.
And I was coming out of adivorce, so it was even more for
(06:39):
me, like I was.
I went back to a old boyfriendthat's what it was and I thought
, oh, I, I went back to a oldboyfriend, that's what it was,
and I thought, oh, I'm goingback to someone that I was with
when I was only 16 years old.
It'll be great, familiar, but Inever knew.
Yeah, something familiar.
Coming back home, I was livingin Washington, I was living in
(07:02):
washington, I was living inwashington state.
I moved back to hawaii and Iwas like, oh, it's gonna be good
.
But I didn't know the changesthat happened in him throughout
the years that we were apart andit just started where, the
jealousy, the looking at otherpeople, or he's accusing me of
(07:25):
looking at other people.
Sure, oh, I saw you looking athim.
You know those kind ofaccusations um, telling me how
to dress, how to act.
You know the control and Ithought, oh, you know, he just
um.
You know he just um, he's justunsure right now.
(07:51):
It'll take time, it's just new.
You know it's okay.
You know, and I just try tomake things right.
And you I think that's what alot of people do is that you
want the relationship to work,so you start to make excuses for
the wrongful behaviors, and asthe excuses become worse, you're
(08:12):
now lost in making thoseexcuses, and especially if
you're covering up for thingsthat are wrong and people are
around you now you're like inthe middle of a lie that you
can't get out of, and so it washard.
And then it started gettingworse, where now it's becoming
(08:34):
physical, where thoseaccusations becomes yelling and
throwing things, and then theactual physical violence.
Speaker 2 (08:44):
And how long were you in that relationship before you
got out?
Speaker 3 (08:49):
I was in the relationship for, I want to say,
like five years before I couldactually escape.
It was actually like an escapebecause I had to hide my.
I had to hide getting out.
(09:10):
Um, I was so afraid of whatwould happen.
Um, I was seeing a psychologistat the time and it's in my book
, um, so I don't want to shareeverything, but yeah, it
(09:33):
actually was a literal escapewhere I had to hide what I was
doing in order for me to escapesafely.
The one thing that mypsychologist told me was I will
see you out, not dead, and thatscared me.
Speaker 2 (09:45):
It's interesting when you say that, because a lot of
people who may be listening arealready judging saying five
years in an abusive relationship, mind you, uh, things that most
of us who are like listening orwatching don't understand, as
someone who may not be in a in adomestic violent relationship
is.
There are other things at playcontrol of your money, your
(10:09):
assets, things of that nature.
Is that something that you hadto do was to get out of the
relationship?
I know that there are thingsthat are available to
individuals now these hotlines,these crisis hotlines that would
be able to help others to getout of the situation much
(10:30):
quicker.
I just want to say I don't know, but I'm trying to be sensitive
to timing in regards to yoursituation, but if we can help
others who may be listening toget out, go, go Sooner.
Speaker 3 (10:46):
Yeah, right, yeah, definitely, with my situation in
Hawaii.
There's a lot of families where, because it's so expensive here
, a lot of families livetogether, and I had family
living in the same house, and so, though he was really good
(11:07):
about hiding things and makingthings look good when people
were home and I did hide also Iwould stay in the room.
If there was any evidence ofanything, I would stay out of
sight, sure, I would stay out ofsight, sure, and they were in
(11:27):
the house, but I didn't wantthem to be out of a home, and
that's one thing that he woulduse against me.
He would say, if you sayanything, they would be out.
Where would they go, and itwould stop me from saying
anything or doing anything.
(11:48):
So, to protect the ones thatwere living in the house, I
would stay quiet, sure, so Iwould definitely.
If there is a way out, I woulddefinitely tell people to get
out as soon as possible, neverto stay in a dangerous violent
(12:12):
relationship, but do get outsafe, because there are people
who believe that I can justleave and it's not a safe way to
leave.
I'll share a story where one ofit happened just.
(12:32):
I mean, it was like just fiveminutes away from where I live
now.
She had a restraining orderagainst her abuser and she was
in the mall king line and thatrestraining order is.
It only works if people followit right our guests.
Speaker 2 (13:00):
Uh, phoenix rose.
Uh, we're having some issues inregards to Internet feed.
I think she's cutting in andout right now.
We'll wait for the Internet tobecome stable again.
We are just standing by herepatiently waiting, and hopefully
we'll be back here.
(13:20):
If you are someone who is inneed of these following crisis
hotlines the National DomesticViolence Hotline 1-800-799 7233.
Okay, as you were saying,against restraining orders.
Speaker 3 (13:38):
She was at the mall.
Speaker 2 (13:42):
You were saying she was at the mall.
Speaker 3 (13:43):
Yes, she was at the mall.
Yes, she was at the mall andshe was actually shot at the
mall.
So the restraining order, likeI said, only works if it's
obeyed, right?
Sure, so to get out, get outsafe.
And my book Walking in Aloha.
(14:08):
The last A of Aloha is acuteawareness.
I use the letters of Aloha andthat's how God got me through my
own domestic violence andthat's what I share with others
Affirmations and actions,leadership and love, overcoming
obstacles, health and healing.
(14:29):
And that last one, acuteawareness, is to be aware of
your surroundings and be awareof what's going on inside
yourself, because a lot of timesyour gut instinct is what tells
you that something is wrong.
You know right, something iswrong.
You know there is somethingwrong in this environment.
I need out.
Speaker 2 (14:50):
So and for a lot for those who may be out of
relationships, going into newrelationships.
Uh, not that I'm some prophetic, you know anything of anything
but I would say, make sure youheal be able to take the time to
reflect.
Um, if that's within, uh, ifit's seeking therapy, you know,
(15:13):
through a therapist, uh, if it'sgoing back to the gym and
getting, you know working out,um, doing a, you know, doing a
90-day cleanse, things to likemind, body and soul, to get
yourself right back into aposition where you're ready to
be with a partner again.
However that plays out for you,make sure you take those steps
(15:35):
to mind, body and soul, to feelgood about yourself, to
understand what happened in yourpast relationship, to make your
next relationship even better,what happened in your past
relationship to make your nextrelationship even better.
Um, it's so funny.
We talk about, you know, thisshow being obviously all topics
in general, but I thought thiswas so important to talk about
because I don't think it istalked about enough where it and
(15:58):
we know that it's been headlinenews for a while now we know
the allegations against, youknow, diddy and, uh, someone
that I would say that I grew uplistening to.
I'm like this is crazy to me,although you know, you go back
and you look at the R Kellysituation and you're like, okay,
a huge fan of Aaliyah, you know, and I loved Aaliyah and I just
thought she was just the mostbeautiful individual.
(16:21):
And you're like man, how isthat girl married?
You know, like all these thingsthat we all saw back in the day
, as you know, growing up inthat time period of the 90s, and
we're like wait, for those whomay be a little bit older than
maybe our parents listening,they're like what is going on?
We're teaching you right nowwhat was going on back in the
day wasn't okay, that marriagethat alia was secretly having or
(16:45):
that came out.
We're like wait, how is shemarried?
She's 16, young.
You know, I remember being thatyoung.
I was like, wow, damn, thatsucks.
Well, I mean for me, because Iwas like a dude who like totally
thought alia was smokinggorgeous and, um, you know, to
see her pass away in a tragicaccident.
The same thing with Left EyeLopez.
(17:07):
I mean she was in, you know,another relationship.
There was a lot of domesticviolence going on in that
relationship.
Speaker 3 (17:32):
Let's talk about a little bit of what you've seen
in the headlines through theyears that may have kind of
molded you into regards tothings that you thought were
important to add to the book.
Well, you know, honestly, I amnot one to watch news or into
the headlines, Right, you knowanything like that.
But I do see that and once Isee it, I'm like I understand
the other side, right, Iunderstand where they, why they
(17:56):
stayed, why it lasted so long,or the hope that things got
better.
You know those kinds of things.
So I look at the underbellyside of it that's what I look at
and where people are like, oh,why didn't she get out, why
(18:16):
didn't she do this?
You know I'm like no, there ismore to it, there is a
underlying side of it.
So and when you say underlyingyeah like the the backbone, it's
hard, it is it's very hardright.
Speaker 2 (18:32):
There's a lot of things that but there is always
we're losing a little bit of youagain here on the feed, on the
internet connection here.
I think it's reestablishingitself.
When you talk about being hardor difficult during those times
and periods, maybe give someinsight.
Speaker 3 (18:54):
Yeah, I can hear you.
Speaker 2 (18:55):
Okay, let's give some insight to those for those who
may be listening who are likehow do I get help?
What would be your first stepto someone who is struggling
with just existence?
What do you tell that victim?
Speaker 3 (19:16):
you know, the first thing that I would say is to
find someone that you can reallytalk, to find someone that you
can really talk to.
The one thing that I didn't was, um, feeling like I couldn't
talk to anyone and I, like Isaid, I stayed in the room a lot
, I kept quiet a lot.
Um, when I reached out topeople and I said, even the
(19:42):
smallest thing because of theway he was, that, like I say,
narcissistic way is that theytake the people you're closest
to and they will kind of likegroom them also, grooming you.
(20:08):
They groom them also and theymake sure that they're like um,
planting all this like nicenessand oh, I'm so, I'm such a great
person that when you, as thevictim, come out and say
something, they're like theycan't believe it yes, almost
yeah.
Speaker 2 (20:21):
They can't believe it .
Speaker 3 (20:22):
They're like smoking mirrors no, I'm trying to think
of the word that is used Almostlike love bombing.
Love bombing.
Speaker 2 (20:30):
Would be one where, like essentially, as you said,
you're grooming, so like thefamily members are like no, you
know, I got to come up with somefake name.
I don't want to use someone'sreal name.
Speaker 3 (20:42):
They're like wait why are you using my name Right?
So you know right, right, right.
Speaker 2 (20:45):
The guy's like how could it be that you know, he,
he's so great and he, he goesfishing with us.
We do these things together.
How is it so that he what are?
Then it goes back to the abuser.
What are you doing, right?
Speaker 3 (21:05):
Yes, and that's exactly what was said.
What are you doing?
And so, because it did comeback to me and that's the victim
shaming and I felt like I hadto be the one to step back.
I didn't want to share becauseI was like I don't want to be
the one feeling like I'm gettinghit by both sides.
(21:28):
Right Now.
You're not only being abused byyour abuser, you're feeling
like I can't talk to the peoplethat's supposed to be the one
protecting me and closest to me.
So find someone that you cantalk to, confide in them and you
know, if that's not the oneperson, then go to someone else,
(21:49):
but do find someone.
And that is the one thing thatI did, and it was outside of the
house.
I ended up talking to medicalprofessionals, right, someone
outside of your home, you know.
It doesn't have to be someoneinside your house where you
think, oh, this is a safe place.
And sometimes they're the veryones who don't understand.
Speaker 2 (22:12):
For those who may be listening and watching and don't
understand what a narcissisticrelationship is, let me give you
the definition so youunderstand what we are are
talking about.
On sharing this afternoon, now,this evening, uh, whatever the
case may be for you, in anarcissistic relationship the
partner may manipulate, controland belittle the other partner
(22:35):
in uh maintaining power ofcontrol.
This can lead to emotional,physical abuse, leaving the a
non-narcissistic partner feelingdrained, confused and devalued.
Speaker 3 (22:50):
That is exactly what it was.
Speaker 2 (22:52):
For those who may be, and it doesn't have to be just
physical abuse, it can roll backto mental.
I mean, let's be honest,there's a lot of people in
relationships that may be like,oh well, I guess I had no idea,
you know, that we were in thesetypes of abuse or these types of
relationships.
And I think, even for I get tobe the test I mean being someone
(23:16):
who is single and not you knowwho's seeking a partner but like
, okay, so I've been marriedonce, you know know, and I
dearly love my ex-wife and loveour, you know, child and we're,
you know, raising her and doing,trying to do our best to, you
know, be great co-parents to herand make her a phenomenal
individual in the world.
But, you know, coming close toyou know, a second marriage and
(23:41):
then, you know, crashing andburning and then, like, really
understanding what was reallygoing on in that relationship
was quite interesting to me.
Yes, there were things thatwere going on in the
relationship, but it was verymuch that a relationship that
probably should never havegotten started to begin with.
If that makes sense now I, I,you know, for a lack of other
(24:05):
reasons I won't go into all ofthose types of things.
But I will say that it was arelationship that ended and
we'll never go back and I'mthankful that that person is,
you know, in a probably asuccessful dating relationship
and that's fantastic for her.
For me, I am going to try to getit right this time and to
(24:28):
continue to, when I date, gothrough my steps to understand
what it is that I am looking forin my forever partner.
Or maybe it's not a foreverpartner, maybe it's a partner in
that specific timeframe, but tobring someone back into my life
to be a part of uh, of anyrelationship, to remind everyone
(24:49):
that it is, it takes two.
It's a 50 50 street uh, andrecognize these things.
As you were just saying, gowith your gut, uh, especially on
a first date.
If it's not vibing right, don'tpush it, just say, hey, you
know what, it was awesome.
I really appreciate your time.
Thank you very much.
Move on.
(25:10):
I think that and I'm not tryingto victim blame anyone I think
it is so crucial that we listento our gut right In these
situations.
Going back into relationshipswhere the person may be a victim
of some type of mental orphysical abuse, again, you're,
(25:32):
you're kind of our like, you'reour hero right now.
To be to put pen to paper, tobe able to share your true,
authentic self in a book is kindof scary, it's not fun, it's
not sexy.
Things that you are sharing arethe keys to life to be able to
give others out there theiropportunity to get out, to move
(25:57):
forward with their lives, tobetter themselves, without
giving all the goodies withinthe book.
We'll have a link posted in thepodcast available.
I'm assuming it's on Amazon.
Where can they find your bookright now if they're looking for
it?
Speaker 3 (26:14):
Yeah, so my book Walking in Aloha.
It's actually on Amazon, barnes, noble.
Speaker 2 (26:20):
It's on a lot of different platforms, so I would
suggest just looking for it andgetting where, getting it
wherever you can find it okayyeah, what's interesting to me
and I I love that you know youcame on and I know thank you for
being so patient and the timingbeing so just I I'm so thankful
(26:42):
for you to come on today and toshare your story.
What's interesting to me aboutall of this is that there are
steps right Recognizing.
Can we share at least thosefive steps on?
To get a victim?
Maybe someone's listening.
How do I get out?
What do I need to do Like Idon't want my partner to know
that I need help or I don't wantmy family to think I'm some
(27:06):
loser out here?
What do we tell people who arestruggling with that darkness
that they're going through rightnow?
Speaker 3 (27:16):
I think the very first step is to recognize that
you are important enough to sayI need to be safe, I need to get
out.
You know when you can say Ihave to get out, I need to be
safe.
That's when you'll be able towalk out of this relationship
(27:41):
and find the help that you need,and whether you contact a
helpline or, like I did, seekmedical help and get the help
that was brought to me throughmy doctor.
Those are the steps.
So just find that first helpwhere somebody can lead you to
(28:06):
safety.
But you need to stay, as mypsychologist said, while in the
relationship.
If you're still in the home,you need to be I hate to say the
word secretive, but you need tobe safe.
You don't want your abuser toknow that you are planning your
(28:32):
way out, because when they knowthat you're on your way out,
that's when it will get moredangerous.
And so if you can just stayquiet about that and you know,
if you, if it is possible, if itis possible like for me, I had
family, right, I couldn't justleave If it is possible for you
(28:55):
to just leave, please do Just.
You know, pick up and go,because that would be the safest
way.
But if not, then stay safe and,you know, take precautions.
Take those safe precautionsBecause I would not want to tell
anyone to.
You know, stir the pot andcreate more violence in your
(29:20):
relationship.
But, as I did, I stayed quiet,pretending things were great.
I hid my finances.
I had a friend that actuallymade another account and where I
was saying that I was doingsome side work for her, just for
(29:42):
you know nothing.
She was putting money into anaccount.
Every time that I would go anddo work for her, I was putting
my clothes and things in a bagand we would ship it off to my
daughter and it was beingshipped to Washington.
(30:03):
So things were being moved.
Um, so it's, as I said, escapeit is.
It was actually feeling like Iwas running away.
You know it.
It is crazy thing, but it wasthe safest way for me to do it,
(30:24):
to get out.
And then my daughter was givingbirth to my grandson and I said
I'm going to go visit.
But I wasn't.
I actually went there to moveand never came back.
So that was my escape and henever knew it.
It was totally unknown to himthat I already had finances and
(30:47):
I already had things moved outand I just left.
Speaker 2 (30:53):
It's interesting when you talk about these things and
coming to Washington to escapehow long did you stay in
Washington?
Speaker 3 (31:11):
So I was in Washington for, and you don't
even look old enough to be agrandmother, by the way.
Well, thank you, thank you.
No, I'm 56 years old, I havefour kids and I'm going to be a
grandma of eight soon.
Wow yeah, congratulations.
My son and my daughter-in-law.
They're expecting in May ofnext year.
So excited, so excited.
(31:33):
But, yeah, sorry, what was thequestion again?
Speaker 2 (31:37):
I forgot how long were you in Washington.
Speaker 3 (31:42):
I only stayed up there for probably like three
years and I have a thingWashington gets too cold for me.
Okay, I was born and raised inHawaii and I have to come home.
Sure.
Speaker 2 (31:57):
It becomes very dreary and very long during
these long dark months.
I get it because even the olderI get now, the more I'm like I
can't take it anymore.
It is something I mean, and I'ma Washingtonian, I've lived
here my entire life, you know,being a homer that I am, I mean
(32:22):
there are times now I'm like man.
I got to make sure I'm taking,you know, getting some sun or
being in that element as much asI possibly can if it's out in
the environment.
So in those three years thatyou were here, did you, was it a
time for healing?
Speaker 3 (32:38):
just reflection for yourself.
What did you do in those threeyears while you were here in
Washington?
You know I love that.
You said you mentioned abouttaking care of yourself, looking
at you know, looking inwardwhen you're healing, because
that is exactly what I did whenI went to Washington.
I moved up there.
I was 225 pounds and I lostwhat?
(33:01):
80 pounds or something likethat.
Everyone teases me and says,well, it's like you lost a small
child.
But I went down to 135 and Inot only got control of my
weight, but I learned a lotabout myself and standing up for
myself and being a strongerperson inside and out.
(33:24):
You know like the weights mademe stronger but and everything
else like living by myself, nothaving to live with anyone, I
was on my own.
I you know like I had my ownbusiness up there.
(33:45):
I actually started my ownbusiness up there and I was like
you know, years of being helddown and being under that
control.
I was like, no, this is not theway anyone should live and just
learning and doing a lot ofpersonal development.
(34:09):
I am now addicted to self-helpcourses.
I need to stop.
No but I do, I love buyingself-help courses.
I need to stop.
No, but I do.
I love buying self-help courses.
I am actually becoming one ofthe Lisa Nichols certified
(34:30):
facilitators as of now.
I'm studying her, so I reallythink that going through all of
that was a hard time, but ittaught me a lot, and now I want
to become a better person, notjust for myself, but so that I
(34:52):
can help other people and, youknow, show them that when you go
through this type of thing,like when you go through
domestic violence or when you gothrough any kind of trauma,
that's not the end all be all,because there's so many people
who say you know what?
My life is screwed and theyfeel like that's it.
(35:15):
But no, it's not.
As long as you have breath, aslong as you have a voice and
that's one thing that I say nownever forget your voice, never
forget your voice, because aslong as you have breath and you
have a voice, your story needsto be told.
Speaker 2 (35:33):
Our guest tonight.
Author of Walking in Aloharight.
Author of Walking in Aloharight.
Walking in Aloha Five Steps toLiving your God Potential Life.
You know what's interesting tome as we sit here and talk and
reflect about, you know, goingthrough relationships I forget
the word that a lot of peopletrauma, bond and people in
(35:59):
abusive relationships or gettingout of relationships that are
abusive, as you were talkingabout having that time to
reflect, I think tend to link upor find individuals that may be
going through the similar thingand and then revisit or get
(36:21):
back into a relationship thatmay be not in a good place,
where there may be abuse againin regards to physical or mental
abuse.
So we always say you know, seekhelp, look for it, take that
time for yourself.
It's interesting because whenyou look at, you know, in
(36:42):
Diddy's case, that video thatcame out of A Marie I forget the
gal's name, the young one thatthey found in the hotel, just
shocking video to see, period.
I mean think of this youngwoman, had all this money, was
(37:06):
famous but still like, as youwere saying, as as we, you know,
you talk about they're, they'rebeing controlled.
I mean it doesn't mean you haveto be poor to be in a domestic
violent relationship.
You look at this high levelmogul controlling this.
You know this young woman andgrooming her and and she's
saying that everything wasfantastic.
(37:28):
It's crazy to me yeah, that's.
Speaker 3 (37:33):
That's the thing, though the love bombing.
It does feel.
It does feel fantastic.
Honestly.
It does feel good because it'sjust like I say they pour on the
honey, they do Sure, and youcan't help but feel like….
Speaker 2 (37:51):
Euphoric, I mean it's a high right yeah.
Speaker 3 (37:54):
It's a high and oh, this person must love me, right,
that's what you think, sure,yeah, and that's the mistake,
where you start using the wordlove, where you're like, oh,
they love me, but that's not it.
It's not that they love you,it's that they found someone
that they can control and theyrealize that um, I was.
Speaker 2 (38:19):
I wanted to make sure I got her name right.
I was like, look it is it isamary, right, I forget the girl,
the gal's name in that video.
Anyhow, I probably shouldn'tout her out.
I mean it's, it's out there,it's public knowledge.
I know she's.
You know, if it wasn't for her,a lot of this stuff probably
would still be secret.
And I know that there are otherartists who have spoken against
(38:42):
this types of situations and itbeing so normal and when I say
normal that it's been going onbehind the scenes, I'm not
saying that I'm normalizing orI'm saying that it's a normal
thing.
I'm just saying that this wassomething that was behind the
scenes.
Normal Now because of thesevictims coming forward and
(39:07):
sharing their stories and youhaving a book that's out now
that gives ways for it's.
It's interesting because it'salmost like if this book was in
the house of a victim.
They're toast, right, theydon't have like.
It's almost like, as you weretalking about being living.
We don't want to say secret,but hiding the identity of you
(39:27):
moving forward with your lifeand maybe that's the word that
I'll use is continue to havingalmost like an alter ego or
being a way to live this lifethat you know, that you need to
shed this outer skin so that youcan move forward, and what I
would say is, just again, becareful, get help.
(39:50):
If it's seeking psychiatrichelp, if it's calling the
domestic violence hotline.
These numbers are anonymous.
Again, they've been scrollingthrough the scroll If you've
been watching us 1-800-799-7233.
Strong Hearts for NativeHotline.
I know there's a lot of nativesup here in the Pacific
(40:12):
Northwest that domestic violencedoesn't get shared a lot of the
times.
We would like for the their hothelpline is 1-844-762-8483.
I am very dyslexic when I readsometimes so I want to make sure
I get them right.
And if you're a teen who islistening to the show, uh, there
(40:34):
is a domestic teen datinghotline.
Look, you're young, you'redating, it happens.
Look, um, you don't understandyour, your emotions, you're
excuse me, that was my dad in meyou're, you're, you're, you're
growing into your emotions.
You're trying to understand, uh, how to navigate life as a
(40:58):
teenager.
If you need help and you'redating and the teen violent,
there is a teen violence hotline.
That's 1-866-331-9474.
Again, all those hotlines willbe posted in the podcast.
You can go to your favoritepodcasting platform and just
search US Phenomenon with MarioMagana.
(41:20):
Or you can go to my websiteonairmariocom, click on the
podcast tab and you cansubscribe that way.
It's super easy that way.
So you got your options.
However, you prefer to downloadyour podcast, but please like
and subscribe to the podcastpodcast.
But please like and subscribeto the podcast.
(41:41):
Now, when we talk about thisshedding of skin, making our way
through life, trying to learn,look, when you're in a
relationship and you feel likeyou're overwhelmed, you feel the
love bomb, you feel the abusethat is going on in this
relationship.
It doesn't have to be physicalabuse, it can be mental abuse as
(42:01):
well and you don't realize it.
It's key to start to reflect,spend time, do things.
If you're not doing things withyour friends and having a
normal relationship outside ofyour partner, I mean, yes, we
get you do things with yourpartner, that is 100%, but have
you time right?
(42:22):
I mean, these are healthythings in all types of
relationships.
Speaker 3 (42:27):
Yes, the one thing that he did was separate me,
though, and he did say you weregone for so long.
They had you for this manyyears I didn't, and so the guilt
and that's one thing that theywill try to do is to pull you
(42:51):
away from your relationshipswith other people, and it is
part of that control.
So once you see that, that is ahuge red flag.
When you start to see that theystart saying, oh, you know, I
think that you're seeing yourfriends too much, or you know,
(43:13):
you spend so much time with yourfamily, don't you love me?
Those kind of things you know,and they make you choose, then
that's a red flag saying, um,they're wanting to control the
time that you have with otherpeople, because the more you
spend time with other people,you're going to have those
(43:36):
healthy relationships, andthat's not something that they
can manipulate.
Right, once you start being onthe outside and you, you are
more healthy, then you'restarting to look at that like,
hey, that's not right.
I shouldn't feel this way withyou.
So they need to keep thatcontrol and they'll keep you
(44:01):
away from your normalrelationships, one of the things
I am a Christian and I wasalways in church.
He would go to church with me,but when I would raise my hands
in worship, he would put my handdown and he would say if you
(44:22):
want me to come to church withyou, you wouldn't do that
because that's so embarrassing.
And I would now feel like okay,I don't want you not to come
with me.
I'm sorry, I embarrassed you bydoing that.
Speaker 2 (44:40):
It's interesting that you would say that he would
even try to control your faithwith you know a higher power.
Uh, that that that is on Bbeyonds, like a realm that I
would, you know, I would, Idon't know or have like it's.
It's mind blowing for someonewho, like myself or anybody else
listening to think that someonewould want to control your
(45:01):
faith with the Lord or with youknow a higher power.
That is on levels of likedisturbing crazy to me that he
felt that insecure about himselfthat he needed to control the
entire environment, which isscary.
It's.
It's because you think about iton levels of well, why is she
(45:23):
worshiping this guy, his faithover me, almost like he wanted
to be the, the almighty right?
Speaker 3 (45:31):
Yeah, the only one.
Yeah, and if there's anythingelse, then if you love anyone
else, if you'd love anythingelse, then if you love anyone
else, if you love anything else,then that's a problem.
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (45:49):
I'm taken back by that.
I got to be, honest with you,someone who has faith.
I'm taken back by the audacityof someone trying to control
someone's faith.
Um, and look everyone and theremay be people that are
listening that may not have it,and that's okay too, um, but not
(46:09):
okay to control someone's faith, you know.
Let them be express themselves.
It's almost to.
It's almost like grooming iswhat it sounds like to me, like
you were being groomed andcontrolled enough to the
narrative that made him feelsafe.
So that he felt like he was inin full control of everything,
(46:31):
including situations outside ofthe four walls of what was
called your guys's home yes,yeah.
Speaker 3 (46:41):
So, like I said, if there was anything that I gave
my attention to outside of him,um, then it was a problem.
Um, I didn't realize that evenfor my phone he paid for my
(47:01):
phone, that there's a way thatyou can track it.
Speaker 2 (47:07):
Sure.
Speaker 3 (47:07):
You can track the phone and I didn't know that I
was tracked on my phone.
The things that I didn't knowthat now I know um I was tracked
on my phone.
He would come to my work.
He would know if I was eitherin my building or just outside
(47:31):
of my building.
Speaker 2 (47:33):
So he was definitely really tracking you definitely
really tracking you.
Speaker 3 (47:53):
Yeah, I, I was blown away at the fact that he was so
upset one day that, okay, so thebuilding was probably what in
my office I was like and it'sthe same building.
But see, then I I found myselfdoing that a lot where I was, um
, trying to justify myself forbeing in that situation, like I
(48:17):
was only downstairs why, why isthat a problem?
I was just at the sushi sushiplace, right?
Why are you now justifyingyourself for being a normal
person?
Speaker 2 (48:28):
Sure.
Speaker 3 (48:29):
And yeah, things like that.
But it got to that point and Iit was in that office.
Um, he came to the office oneday and he brought flowers out
of the blue.
And that's the thing too.
They will do things like thatand it shows everyone around you
(48:52):
how great they are.
Right, if they come withflowers and candies out of the
blue and they're like oh my gosh, he surprised you Little, did I
know that's part of it, that'sall a part of it.
And when he came he brought meflowers, put it on my desk, huge
(49:14):
bunch of roses.
But the girl that worked with me, he didn't see her because she
had an office in the back and Iwas the receptionist in the
front.
So he only saw me.
And she asked me one day like,oh, come downstairs and have a
cigarette with me.
I said I don't smoke cigarettes.
(49:35):
She goes no, just comedownstairs, we can talk, right.
And I thought whatever you know.
So I went downstairs and stoodoutside with her while she was
smoking her cigarette.
And it was because she said Iknow him and I was like what?
And she goes, he dated mysister and they had a like a
(50:02):
crazy relationship where he waslike really violent.
He followed her everywhere andall and he, she was telling me
my life and I was so surprisedbecause he didn't see her.
Right, he didn't see her, hedidn't know she was there.
And I was so afraid like, oh no, she knows exactly what I'm
(50:26):
going through.
And because I didn't know I wastrapped.
He ended up in the parking lot.
Oh, wow, and yeah, and he waslike, oh, I wanted to bring you
lunch.
And we were both like shocked,because now we're sitting there
(50:49):
talking about him, right, andwe're like, oh no, how much does
he know?
Did he hear?
How long was he here?
And I was so scared I was like,okay, thank you.
And then she bolted, she wentupstairs and then we were like
after we're in the office andwe're like how did he know?
How did he know we were outside?
(51:10):
You know?
Sure, now I'm hearing it fromsomeone else that I'm not crazy,
I'm not making this up, it'snot in my mind, that's where.
(51:40):
I believe that God gave meverification through someone
else that I wasn't losing mymind.
I'm not making it up.
Speaker 2 (51:46):
And, as we all know or maybe you don't know that,
there are devices, there are,there are different types of
things that are available tofamilies, to, you know, make
sure that their kids are safe.
There are tracking devices,there are apps, there are things
within the iPhones that you canset up as a family.
(52:09):
Uh, like you know, the onlypair I share my, my location
with my, my sister and mydaughter, and my daughter shares
her location with me, and so Iknow exactly where it works.
She is 16.
I don't ask a lot of questions,but it's, it's helpful for when
she is around, when she'smaking the commute to seattle to
(52:32):
hang out with me, that we havean idea where she is, so that we
know that she's safe during hertransition.
Um, but this is something thatwe should.
It should not be abused and forthose, um understanding or that
, who are in relationships youknow people will say I don't
(52:54):
know that I was in arelationship, I don't know that
I need my partner to knowexactly where I'm at, nor do I
need to know where my partner isat.
We should have trust in in ourrelationship.
That is respect that.
Hey, I'm going to have dinnerwith my friends, here's where
I'm going.
(53:14):
I will check in and let youknow how things are going.
Blah, blah, blah.
Things of that nature.
That is respect it, make surethat and if you are going to as
a lot of people are doing nowtrack, use these apps to know
each other's location that's onyou.
But understand, you can look inyour device to make sure if you
(53:38):
are sharing your location witha contact boyfriend, girlfriend,
to see if someone and then thatway you can have a better
understanding of what is goingon.
Like maybe you don't knowyou're in a relationship that is
abusive and you feel like, howdoes he know that this is going
on, or she?
I shouldn't always play in theguy, but maybe guys are being
(53:59):
abused as well.
I don't know that that happensa ton, but I think it's the vice
versa, where women are morevictims than guys, but I'm sure
there are a few guys that arevictims as well.
But check your phone,understand, be aware of your
surroundings, have anunderstanding of what's going on
with your phone.
All you got to do is look andyou can see if you're sharing
(54:22):
your location with a contact.
Just go to the contact and youcan see if you're sharing your,
your location.
If you're on an iphone andwhatnot now other, you can also
google it.
Use incognito window if youneed, you know.
Go to do it at work if you, ifyou're in an abusive
relationship, be smart about howyou're doing these things so
that you don't become punishedfor seeking refuge or help.
(54:49):
That is my key here is to makesure that everyone stays safe.
Use these hotlines Again.
Phoenix Rose has been so kindand gracious to join us to share
her thoughts and perspectivesof what these abusive
relationships look like and howto move forward in your life.
(55:09):
Did you ever feel that you wereever going to be able to get
out of that relationship?
At that point in time whenyou're like, oh my god, this guy
knows now, I'm sure you feltlike crud that now a co-worker
knows what's going on, you'redid you feel like at that point
you're like I need out, or didyou feel like you were still the
(55:31):
victim, like you were liketaking the blame for what was
going on, like, oh, I didsomething bad.
Speaker 3 (55:39):
Well, at that point, you know, like I said, I
realized that it wasn't just me,it wasn't all in my mind.
I knew I had to get out, but atthat point I didn't know how.
I didn't know how to get out.
It wasn't until, I think, a fewmonths after that that I
(56:00):
actually went into the doctor'soffice and that part is in my
book also where my doctorrealized that there was
something wrong.
He asked me if there wassomething wrong and I said no,
everything was fine.
For one point.
(56:20):
The first time I went in to seehim, the abuser came in with me.
He asked the doctor asked oh,do you want him to stay outside?
And before I could answer hewas like no, I'm going in with
(56:42):
her.
And I said it's okay, you know,because at that point you can't
say no, he would be like whyare you telling me to stay
outside?
So he came in with me.
The second time I went in mydoctor I guess he knew from the
very initial visit heautomatically said she'll be
back, you can stay out here.
(57:03):
He didn't even give him achance to answer.
And that's when I went in andhe looked at me and asked are
you okay?
And because I was by myself atthe time, I told him no, I'm not
okay.
And I told him what was goingon and he said do you need us to
(57:25):
remove him?
We can get you help now.
And because I had people athome, I said no, I explained
everything.
I don't want people to be outof a home, I don't know what's
going to happen if I saysomething now.
And that's when he got me incontact with my psychologist.
(57:46):
At first I was like I don'tneed a psychologist, I'm not
crazy, you know, I didn't knowwhat that meant.
And he goes that's not whatit's for.
You know, you need someone totalk to.
Speaker 2 (58:02):
To be that other person, yeah, to be that
confident, um other person, togive you that overview, that
that 200 foot overview of what'sgoing on and and not be
judgmental, right to be able togive insight to what they're
you're sharing with them, togive you tools to make the
(58:26):
proper decision, to move forwardand how to navigate through
that.
Speaker 3 (58:32):
Yes, and that is what helped me.
That started everything how toget out safely.
Who, to you know like?
Find someone that you can talkto, someone that you can safely
confide in, someone that will dothese things for you.
And that's where I confided ina friend that helped me to move
(58:58):
my things out, to get thataccount for me under her name.
You know things like that.
So it wasn't until then thatthe ball started rolling and I
was able to get out, but it didtake time because I couldn't
just leave.
(59:19):
Sure.
Speaker 2 (59:22):
As we get close to wrapping things up here, our
guest Phoenix Rose, walking inaloha, someone who may be
listening, who may have justjumped on, who may need help,
summarize to them what theyshould.
Summarize to them how they canget help.
(59:44):
What should they do?
Oh, did we lose you?
Are you still there?
I think she's still there.
(01:00:05):
Are you there?
Hello, oh, there you are.
Okay, I lost you there for asecond.
So if you were to summarizehere, as we get close to
wrapping things up, someone whomight need help, let's summarize
something that you can givethem a little quick, little tip
(01:00:25):
to move forward, to take thatfirst initial step, little tip
to move forward to take thatfirst initial step.
Speaker 3 (01:00:29):
To take that first initial step, look inside
yourself, remember who you areoh no, you froze again there.
Speaker 2 (01:00:48):
I believe she said take that initial first step to
know who you are.
Our guest Phoenix Rose, walkingin Aloha.
Hopefully she'll be back hereshortly.
Again, if you need help, youcan always safely use the
domestic um domestic violencehotline.
(01:01:09):
Um, you can, there is, uh,we'll have all these posted
within the podcast.
Um again.
Uh, phoenix rose, uh, sharewith us one one thing you would
give to someone who's listening,who might need to take that
first step.
Speaker 3 (01:01:28):
I would say you know, seek someone that you can talk
to.
Just remember who you are, whoyou were created to be.
As I said, I'm a Christian.
God created you with a uniquevoice, as a unique person.
No one should ever take thataway from you.
Remember who you are and neverforget your voice.
(01:01:50):
So seek help.
Like I said, the NationalDomestic Hotline, or, like I did
, seek medical help and they canget you to someone who can help
you.
Speaker 2 (01:02:02):
And this doesn't mean you have to be in a
relationship too.
There are and I hate to saythis, this, but there are people
that are working in theindustry that probably is
frowned upon and there'sprobably so much domestic
violence going on for thoseindividuals that may be.
You know, you know bikinibaristas or strippers and you
(01:02:22):
know working in strip clubs andthings of that nature, and I
know that's not always a fun joband I'm not one to judge.
But look, everyone deserves tobe treated with respect,
regardless of what they do for aliving.
You are human, you are a personregardless, so we don't.
I'm not shaming anyone inregards to this.
Speaker 3 (01:02:43):
Everyone is important and is equal, and equal and
deserves to have a voice yes,yes, exactly so, no matter where
you are, who you are, yes, andyou did mention about um men as
victims.
And there are men who arevictims and it's even harder for
(01:03:03):
them because they are supposedto be the manly man right, they
can't possibly be a victim.
But it is true, that's right,there are men who are victims.
Speaker 2 (01:03:15):
It is.
It is very true.
It is very true.
I think, uh, I think, thingsthat are not always brought up,
is that also men's?
Mental health awareness is notalso brought up.
Uh, we'll also put those uh inthe podcast as well as we get
close to wrapping things up fromthe pacific northwest.
You can find her book on amazon.
(01:03:36):
We'll have a link posted in thepodcast.
Uh, author phoenix.
Uh, it is such an honor to haveyou on, phoenix rose.
Author of walking in aloh FiveSteps to Living your Godly Life.
You don't have to be God, youdon't have to have faith, you
can be spiritual whatever.
However, your faith and walk inlife is no judgment on anyone
(01:04:00):
here.
Again, it's so what a pleasureto have you come on and share
your story with us to helpothers out there.
This is something that is notalways talked about.
It's not sexy, it's not UFO-y,it's not big footy Sasquatch one
of my favorite things.
It's not Chupacabra, it's notany of those paranormal type of
(01:04:22):
things, but it's life.
It is something that is on thisplane that doesn't always get
talked about.
Domestic violence, physicalviolence, these things that are
in the headline news right nowIf you're someone who is
watching that again, we do notcondone.
There are places you can go forhelp.
(01:04:43):
If you need help, please seekhelp.
You know.
Like I said, go to the NationalDomestic Violence Hotline.
Go to the Strong Hearts NativeHelpline Teens.
If you're struggling out thereand you're in a relationship
you're learning how to date, ofcourse, and you feel like you're
in an abusive or a violentrelationship, there is a teen
(01:05:03):
hotline 1-866-331-9474.
Speaker 3 (01:05:09):
Again, as we wrap things up, any last parting
words from you well, no, thankyou for having me on and have a
happy new year same to you and,again, a pleasure as we wrap
things up from the PacificNorthwest.
Speaker 2 (01:05:28):
I'd like to thank our guest Phoenix Rose Walking in
Aloha.
If you need help, please godownload the podcast.
All the links will be providedin the podcast as well.
Go to your favorite podcastingplatform or search for us.
Us Phenomenon with Mario Magana, or go to my website
onairmariocom.
Click on the podcast tab andyou can subscribe that way.
(01:05:50):
Uh, for my entire team MarkChristopher, sophia Magana and
myself.
Mario Magana, be sure to lookup at the sky, because you never
know what you might see.
Good night,
Welcome to US Phenomenon, where possibilities
are endless.
Put down those same oldheadlines.
It's time to expand your mindand question what if?
From paranormal activity toUFOs, bigfoot sightings and
unsolved mysteries, this is USPhenomenon?
Speaker 2 (00:22):
From the Pacific Northwest in the shadow of the
1962 World's Fair, the SpaceNeedle.
I am your host, Mario Magana.
This is US Phenomenon, where weexplore the extraordinary and
the unexplained, the latestheadlines and the pressing
issues.
Today we discuss the shockingallegations against rapper
musician mogul Sean Diddy Combs,accused of kidnapping, drugging
(00:46):
and coercing women into sexualactivities, alleged through
using of firearms.
Threats of violence Combscharges span decades.
A widely seen graphic videoshown the rapper assaulting his
girlfriend in a hotel.
Joining us to shed light on thepervasive issue of intimate
partner violence is phoenix rose.
(01:07):
She'll reveal the unseen reasonwomen stay with those who hurt
them, what domestic violencevictims have in common with
their abusers and why theoccurrence of domestic violence
spiked dramatically during thepandemic pho.
Phoenix also shares herpersonal stories of escaping a
(01:28):
violent relationship andrebuilding her life, offering
real, actionable advice forpeople to help themselves or
their loved ones do the same.
Phoenix is the author ofWalking in Aloha Five Steps to
Living.
It is my pleasure to welcome toUS Phenomenon Phoenix Rose.
(01:49):
Welcome to the show.
Speaker 3 (01:52):
Aloha.
Thank you for having me.
Speaker 2 (01:56):
Obviously not always the most sexiest of topics to
talk about on this show, but Ithought the insight because it
is so fresh, so relevant rightnow.
And what's been going on theallegations between Sean Diddy
Combs and his victims now thenew allegations with Jay-Z are
(02:17):
coming out and how the courtsare now saying, hey, you're not
going to dictate and mandate howfast we go through this process
.
Can you share with us what madeyou decide to write this book?
Speaker 3 (02:36):
Well, you know, there's just so much out there
and I, at first I didn't want to.
Actually that's the truth, youknow, because you don't want to
relive all of the mess.
Speaker 2 (02:49):
Sure.
Speaker 3 (02:50):
I want to say crap.
I mean, you know you don't wantto yeah, you don't want to, you
don't want to relive it.
But I have close friends thatwere going through it and just
by sharing my story they weresaying I really wish you wrote
this book, because one of myreally good friends, she ended
(03:12):
up moving from Hawaii toColorado to help her daughter
and she said it would havehelped her if I wrote the book.
And I was like you know what itneeds to get written, and so I
had to put my story out to shareit, so that other people
wouldn't have to go through or,you know, at least have some
(03:35):
kind of help going through thesteps and not have to feel that
they were alone.
That's the hardest thing whenyou feel like you're alone and
you're doing this all byyourself and no one ever went
through it.
But no, it's not the truth.
There's a lot of people goingthrough it.
It's just a silent thing wherenobody wants to talk about it I
(03:57):
was just going to say.
Speaker 2 (03:57):
This is one of these topics that no one wants to
share or talk about, because itif, if you're the victim, you
you feel like you're beingshamed or looked down upon in
regards to something that isgoing on in your life, when
reality is, is that you, youneed, you need, you need friends
and family to help get youthrough the situation at hand,
(04:20):
and I thought this would be agreat opportunity within the new
year for those who may bedriving listening watching us on
the podcast.
We want to make sure that, ifyou're sensitive to these things
, come back and listen to theshow.
If you're driving and you'relike I can't listen, please
listen.
Maybe you have a friend thatmay need help.
Maybe you, maybe you, are theone who may need help.
(04:42):
There are crisis hotlines thatare anonymous that you can get
help the National DomesticViolence Hotline, 1-800-799-7233
.
We'll have those posted in thepodcast as well as if you're
watching us on the stream.
When I saw this, I was like,okay, how do we approach this on
(05:04):
a level that everyone, fromanyone, from a teenager all the
way up to 99, because thisreally spans all generations it
happens to everyone, right, inregards to these types of issues
domestic violence and becominga victim, these types of issues
(05:25):
that you know, domestic violenceand becoming a victim.
Phoenix, can you share with ushow this all started for you?
When you like, how did you,where did this all begin for you
?
When you started, you know,thinking of, about this book and
like obviously you went througha dramatic time.
(05:48):
But when you're going throughthat, that process, take us back
to being in the relationship.
Like, talk about that with us.
Share a little bit, uh, if youcould, about that relationship
and where you thought it.
Speaker 3 (05:53):
Things were so great, but really you, the red flags,
were really there yeah, you know, that's the thing where people
get into the relationship and itseems so great and in a
narcissistic relationship, thatis what they do.
(06:14):
They really pour on the, thehoney.
I guess they pour on what makesit really good, and you almost
feel, um, overwhelmed and lostin all of this.
And I was coming out of adivorce, so it was even more for
(06:39):
me, like I was.
I went back to a old boyfriendthat's what it was and I thought
, oh, I, I went back to a oldboyfriend, that's what it was,
and I thought, oh, I'm goingback to someone that I was with
when I was only 16 years old.
It'll be great, familiar, but Inever knew.
Yeah, something familiar.
Coming back home, I was livingin Washington, I was living in
(07:02):
washington, I was living inwashington state.
I moved back to hawaii and Iwas like, oh, it's gonna be good
.
But I didn't know the changesthat happened in him throughout
the years that we were apart andit just started where, the
jealousy, the looking at otherpeople, or he's accusing me of
(07:25):
looking at other people.
Sure, oh, I saw you looking athim.
You know those kind ofaccusations um, telling me how
to dress, how to act.
You know the control and Ithought, oh, you know, he just
um.
You know he just um, he's justunsure right now.
(07:51):
It'll take time, it's just new.
You know it's okay.
You know, and I just try tomake things right.
And you I think that's what alot of people do is that you
want the relationship to work,so you start to make excuses for
the wrongful behaviors, and asthe excuses become worse, you're
(08:12):
now lost in making thoseexcuses, and especially if
you're covering up for thingsthat are wrong and people are
around you now you're like inthe middle of a lie that you
can't get out of, and so it washard.
And then it started gettingworse, where now it's becoming
(08:34):
physical, where thoseaccusations becomes yelling and
throwing things, and then theactual physical violence.
Speaker 2 (08:44):
And how long were you in that relationship before you
got out?
Speaker 3 (08:49):
I was in the relationship for, I want to say,
like five years before I couldactually escape.
It was actually like an escapebecause I had to hide my.
I had to hide getting out.
(09:10):
Um, I was so afraid of whatwould happen.
Um, I was seeing a psychologistat the time and it's in my book
, um, so I don't want to shareeverything, but yeah, it
(09:33):
actually was a literal escapewhere I had to hide what I was
doing in order for me to escapesafely.
The one thing that mypsychologist told me was I will
see you out, not dead, and thatscared me.
Speaker 2 (09:45):
It's interesting when you say that, because a lot of
people who may be listening arealready judging saying five
years in an abusive relationship, mind you, uh, things that most
of us who are like listening orwatching don't understand, as
someone who may not be in a in adomestic violent relationship
is.
There are other things at playcontrol of your money, your
(10:09):
assets, things of that nature.
Is that something that you hadto do was to get out of the
relationship?
I know that there are thingsthat are available to
individuals now these hotlines,these crisis hotlines that would
be able to help others to getout of the situation much
(10:30):
quicker.
I just want to say I don't know, but I'm trying to be sensitive
to timing in regards to yoursituation, but if we can help
others who may be listening toget out, go, go Sooner.
Speaker 3 (10:46):
Yeah, right, yeah, definitely, with my situation in
Hawaii.
There's a lot of families where, because it's so expensive here
, a lot of families livetogether, and I had family
living in the same house, and so, though he was really good
(11:07):
about hiding things and makingthings look good when people
were home and I did hide also Iwould stay in the room.
If there was any evidence ofanything, I would stay out of
sight, sure, I would stay out ofsight, sure, and they were in
(11:27):
the house, but I didn't wantthem to be out of a home, and
that's one thing that he woulduse against me.
He would say, if you sayanything, they would be out.
Where would they go, and itwould stop me from saying
anything or doing anything.
(11:48):
So, to protect the ones thatwere living in the house, I
would stay quiet, sure, so Iwould definitely.
If there is a way out, I woulddefinitely tell people to get
out as soon as possible, neverto stay in a dangerous violent
(12:12):
relationship, but do get outsafe, because there are people
who believe that I can justleave and it's not a safe way to
leave.
I'll share a story where one ofit happened just.
(12:32):
I mean, it was like just fiveminutes away from where I live
now.
She had a restraining orderagainst her abuser and she was
in the mall king line and thatrestraining order is.
It only works if people followit right our guests.
Speaker 2 (13:00):
Uh, phoenix rose.
Uh, we're having some issues inregards to Internet feed.
I think she's cutting in andout right now.
We'll wait for the Internet tobecome stable again.
We are just standing by herepatiently waiting, and hopefully
we'll be back here.
(13:20):
If you are someone who is inneed of these following crisis
hotlines the National DomesticViolence Hotline 1-800-799 7233.
Okay, as you were saying,against restraining orders.
Speaker 3 (13:38):
She was at the mall.
Speaker 2 (13:42):
You were saying she was at the mall.
Speaker 3 (13:43):
Yes, she was at the mall.
Yes, she was at the mall andshe was actually shot at the
mall.
So the restraining order, likeI said, only works if it's
obeyed, right?
Sure, so to get out, get outsafe.
And my book Walking in Aloha.
(14:08):
The last A of Aloha is acuteawareness.
I use the letters of Aloha andthat's how God got me through my
own domestic violence andthat's what I share with others
Affirmations and actions,leadership and love, overcoming
obstacles, health and healing.
(14:29):
And that last one, acuteawareness, is to be aware of
your surroundings and be awareof what's going on inside
yourself, because a lot of timesyour gut instinct is what tells
you that something is wrong.
You know right, something iswrong.
You know there is somethingwrong in this environment.
I need out.
Speaker 2 (14:50):
So and for a lot for those who may be out of
relationships, going into newrelationships.
Uh, not that I'm some prophetic, you know anything of anything
but I would say, make sure youheal be able to take the time to
reflect.
Um, if that's within, uh, ifit's seeking therapy, you know,
(15:13):
through a therapist, uh, if it'sgoing back to the gym and
getting, you know working out,um, doing a, you know, doing a
90-day cleanse, things to likemind, body and soul, to get
yourself right back into aposition where you're ready to
be with a partner again.
However that plays out for you,make sure you take those steps
(15:35):
to mind, body and soul, to feelgood about yourself, to
understand what happened in yourpast relationship, to make your
next relationship even better,what happened in your past
relationship to make your nextrelationship even better.
Um, it's so funny.
We talk about, you know, thisshow being obviously all topics
in general, but I thought thiswas so important to talk about
because I don't think it istalked about enough where it and
(15:58):
we know that it's been headlinenews for a while now we know
the allegations against, youknow, diddy and, uh, someone
that I would say that I grew uplistening to.
I'm like this is crazy to me,although you know, you go back
and you look at the R Kellysituation and you're like, okay,
a huge fan of Aaliyah, you know, and I loved Aaliyah and I just
thought she was just the mostbeautiful individual.
(16:21):
And you're like man, how isthat girl married?
You know, like all these thingsthat we all saw back in the day
, as you know, growing up inthat time period of the 90s, and
we're like wait, for those whomay be a little bit older than
maybe our parents listening,they're like what is going on?
We're teaching you right nowwhat was going on back in the
day wasn't okay, that marriagethat alia was secretly having or
(16:45):
that came out.
We're like wait, how is shemarried?
She's 16, young.
You know, I remember being thatyoung.
I was like, wow, damn, thatsucks.
Well, I mean for me, because Iwas like a dude who like totally
thought alia was smokinggorgeous and, um, you know, to
see her pass away in a tragicaccident.
The same thing with Left EyeLopez.
(17:07):
I mean she was in, you know,another relationship.
There was a lot of domesticviolence going on in that
relationship.
Speaker 3 (17:32):
Let's talk about a little bit of what you've seen
in the headlines through theyears that may have kind of
molded you into regards tothings that you thought were
important to add to the book.
Well, you know, honestly, I amnot one to watch news or into
the headlines, Right, you knowanything like that.
But I do see that and once Isee it, I'm like I understand
the other side, right, Iunderstand where they, why they
(17:56):
stayed, why it lasted so long,or the hope that things got
better.
You know those kinds of things.
So I look at the underbellyside of it that's what I look at
and where people are like, oh,why didn't she get out, why
(18:16):
didn't she do this?
You know I'm like no, there ismore to it, there is a
underlying side of it.
So and when you say underlyingyeah like the the backbone, it's
hard, it is it's very hardright.
Speaker 2 (18:32):
There's a lot of things that but there is always
we're losing a little bit of youagain here on the feed, on the
internet connection here.
I think it's reestablishingitself.
When you talk about being hardor difficult during those times
and periods, maybe give someinsight.
Speaker 3 (18:54):
Yeah, I can hear you.
Speaker 2 (18:55):
Okay, let's give some insight to those for those who
may be listening who are likehow do I get help?
What would be your first stepto someone who is struggling
with just existence?
What do you tell that victim?
Speaker 3 (19:16):
you know, the first thing that I would say is to
find someone that you can reallytalk, to find someone that you
can really talk to.
The one thing that I didn't was, um, feeling like I couldn't
talk to anyone and I, like Isaid, I stayed in the room a lot
, I kept quiet a lot.
Um, when I reached out topeople and I said, even the
(19:42):
smallest thing because of theway he was, that, like I say,
narcissistic way is that theytake the people you're closest
to and they will kind of likegroom them also, grooming you.
(20:08):
They groom them also and theymake sure that they're like um,
planting all this like nicenessand oh, I'm so, I'm such a great
person that when you, as thevictim, come out and say
something, they're like theycan't believe it yes, almost
yeah.
Speaker 2 (20:21):
They can't believe it .
Speaker 3 (20:22):
They're like smoking mirrors no, I'm trying to think
of the word that is used Almostlike love bombing.
Love bombing.
Speaker 2 (20:30):
Would be one where, like essentially, as you said,
you're grooming, so like thefamily members are like no, you
know, I got to come up with somefake name.
I don't want to use someone'sreal name.
Speaker 3 (20:42):
They're like wait why are you using my name Right?
So you know right, right, right.
Speaker 2 (20:45):
The guy's like how could it be that you know, he,
he's so great and he, he goesfishing with us.
We do these things together.
How is it so that he what are?
Then it goes back to the abuser.
What are you doing, right?
Speaker 3 (21:05):
Yes, and that's exactly what was said.
What are you doing?
And so, because it did comeback to me and that's the victim
shaming and I felt like I hadto be the one to step back.
I didn't want to share becauseI was like I don't want to be
the one feeling like I'm gettinghit by both sides.
(21:28):
Right Now.
You're not only being abused byyour abuser, you're feeling
like I can't talk to the peoplethat's supposed to be the one
protecting me and closest to me.
So find someone that you cantalk to, confide in them and you
know, if that's not the oneperson, then go to someone else,
(21:49):
but do find someone.
And that is the one thing thatI did, and it was outside of the
house.
I ended up talking to medicalprofessionals, right, someone
outside of your home, you know.
It doesn't have to be someoneinside your house where you
think, oh, this is a safe place.
And sometimes they're the veryones who don't understand.
Speaker 2 (22:12):
For those who may be listening and watching and don't
understand what a narcissisticrelationship is, let me give you
the definition so youunderstand what we are are
talking about.
On sharing this afternoon, now,this evening, uh, whatever the
case may be for you, in anarcissistic relationship the
partner may manipulate, controland belittle the other partner
(22:35):
in uh maintaining power ofcontrol.
This can lead to emotional,physical abuse, leaving the a
non-narcissistic partner feelingdrained, confused and devalued.
Speaker 3 (22:50):
That is exactly what it was.
Speaker 2 (22:52):
For those who may be, and it doesn't have to be just
physical abuse, it can roll backto mental.
I mean, let's be honest,there's a lot of people in
relationships that may be like,oh well, I guess I had no idea,
you know, that we were in thesetypes of abuse or these types of
relationships.
And I think, even for I get tobe the test I mean being someone
(23:16):
who is single and not you knowwho's seeking a partner but like
, okay, so I've been marriedonce, you know know, and I
dearly love my ex-wife and loveour, you know, child and we're,
you know, raising her and doing,trying to do our best to, you
know, be great co-parents to herand make her a phenomenal
individual in the world.
But, you know, coming close toyou know, a second marriage and
(23:41):
then, you know, crashing andburning and then, like, really
understanding what was reallygoing on in that relationship
was quite interesting to me.
Yes, there were things thatwere going on in the
relationship, but it was verymuch that a relationship that
probably should never havegotten started to begin with.
If that makes sense now I, I,you know, for a lack of other
(24:05):
reasons I won't go into all ofthose types of things.
But I will say that it was arelationship that ended and
we'll never go back and I'mthankful that that person is,
you know, in a probably asuccessful dating relationship
and that's fantastic for her.
For me, I am going to try to getit right this time and to
(24:28):
continue to, when I date, gothrough my steps to understand
what it is that I am looking forin my forever partner.
Or maybe it's not a foreverpartner, maybe it's a partner in
that specific timeframe, but tobring someone back into my life
to be a part of uh, of anyrelationship, to remind everyone
(24:49):
that it is, it takes two.
It's a 50 50 street uh, andrecognize these things.
As you were just saying, gowith your gut, uh, especially on
a first date.
If it's not vibing right, don'tpush it, just say, hey, you
know what, it was awesome.
I really appreciate your time.
Thank you very much.
Move on.
(25:10):
I think that and I'm not tryingto victim blame anyone I think
it is so crucial that we listento our gut right In these
situations.
Going back into relationshipswhere the person may be a victim
of some type of mental orphysical abuse, again, you're,
(25:32):
you're kind of our like, you'reour hero right now.
To be to put pen to paper, tobe able to share your true,
authentic self in a book is kindof scary, it's not fun, it's
not sexy.
Things that you are sharing arethe keys to life to be able to
give others out there theiropportunity to get out, to move
(25:57):
forward with their lives, tobetter themselves, without
giving all the goodies withinthe book.
We'll have a link posted in thepodcast available.
I'm assuming it's on Amazon.
Where can they find your bookright now if they're looking for
it?
Speaker 3 (26:14):
Yeah, so my book Walking in Aloha.
It's actually on Amazon, barnes, noble.
Speaker 2 (26:20):
It's on a lot of different platforms, so I would
suggest just looking for it andgetting where, getting it
wherever you can find it okayyeah, what's interesting to me
and I I love that you know youcame on and I know thank you for
being so patient and the timingbeing so just I I'm so thankful
(26:42):
for you to come on today and toshare your story.
What's interesting to me aboutall of this is that there are
steps right Recognizing.
Can we share at least thosefive steps on?
To get a victim?
Maybe someone's listening.
How do I get out?
What do I need to do Like Idon't want my partner to know
that I need help or I don't wantmy family to think I'm some
(27:06):
loser out here?
What do we tell people who arestruggling with that darkness
that they're going through rightnow?
Speaker 3 (27:16):
I think the very first step is to recognize that
you are important enough to sayI need to be safe, I need to get
out.
You know when you can say Ihave to get out, I need to be
safe.
That's when you'll be able towalk out of this relationship
(27:41):
and find the help that you need,and whether you contact a
helpline or, like I did, seekmedical help and get the help
that was brought to me throughmy doctor.
Those are the steps.
So just find that first helpwhere somebody can lead you to
(28:06):
safety.
But you need to stay, as mypsychologist said, while in the
relationship.
If you're still in the home,you need to be I hate to say the
word secretive, but you need tobe safe.
You don't want your abuser toknow that you are planning your
(28:32):
way out, because when they knowthat you're on your way out,
that's when it will get moredangerous.
And so if you can just stayquiet about that and you know,
if you, if it is possible, if itis possible like for me, I had
family, right, I couldn't justleave If it is possible for you
(28:55):
to just leave, please do Just.
You know, pick up and go,because that would be the safest
way.
But if not, then stay safe and,you know, take precautions.
Take those safe precautionsBecause I would not want to tell
anyone to.
You know, stir the pot andcreate more violence in your
(29:20):
relationship.
But, as I did, I stayed quiet,pretending things were great.
I hid my finances.
I had a friend that actuallymade another account and where I
was saying that I was doingsome side work for her, just for
(29:42):
you know nothing.
She was putting money into anaccount.
Every time that I would go anddo work for her, I was putting
my clothes and things in a bagand we would ship it off to my
daughter and it was beingshipped to Washington.
(30:03):
So things were being moved.
Um, so it's, as I said, escapeit is.
It was actually feeling like Iwas running away.
You know it.
It is crazy thing, but it wasthe safest way for me to do it,
(30:24):
to get out.
And then my daughter was givingbirth to my grandson and I said
I'm going to go visit.
But I wasn't.
I actually went there to moveand never came back.
So that was my escape and henever knew it.
It was totally unknown to himthat I already had finances and
(30:47):
I already had things moved outand I just left.
Speaker 2 (30:53):
It's interesting when you talk about these things and
coming to Washington to escapehow long did you stay in
Washington?
Speaker 3 (31:11):
So I was in Washington for, and you don't
even look old enough to be agrandmother, by the way.
Well, thank you, thank you.
No, I'm 56 years old, I havefour kids and I'm going to be a
grandma of eight soon.
Wow yeah, congratulations.
My son and my daughter-in-law.
They're expecting in May ofnext year.
So excited, so excited.
(31:33):
But, yeah, sorry, what was thequestion again?
Speaker 2 (31:37):
I forgot how long were you in Washington.
Speaker 3 (31:42):
I only stayed up there for probably like three
years and I have a thingWashington gets too cold for me.
Okay, I was born and raised inHawaii and I have to come home.
Sure.
Speaker 2 (31:57):
It becomes very dreary and very long during
these long dark months.
I get it because even the olderI get now, the more I'm like I
can't take it anymore.
It is something I mean, and I'ma Washingtonian, I've lived
here my entire life, you know,being a homer that I am, I mean
(32:22):
there are times now I'm like man.
I got to make sure I'm taking,you know, getting some sun or
being in that element as much asI possibly can if it's out in
the environment.
So in those three years thatyou were here, did you, was it a
time for healing?
Speaker 3 (32:38):
just reflection for yourself.
What did you do in those threeyears while you were here in
Washington?
You know I love that.
You said you mentioned abouttaking care of yourself, looking
at you know, looking inwardwhen you're healing, because
that is exactly what I did whenI went to Washington.
I moved up there.
I was 225 pounds and I lostwhat?
(33:01):
80 pounds or something likethat.
Everyone teases me and says,well, it's like you lost a small
child.
But I went down to 135 and Inot only got control of my
weight, but I learned a lotabout myself and standing up for
myself and being a strongerperson inside and out.
(33:24):
You know like the weights mademe stronger but and everything
else like living by myself, nothaving to live with anyone, I
was on my own.
I you know like I had my ownbusiness up there.
(33:45):
I actually started my ownbusiness up there and I was like
you know, years of being helddown and being under that
control.
I was like, no, this is not theway anyone should live and just
learning and doing a lot ofpersonal development.
(34:09):
I am now addicted to self-helpcourses.
I need to stop.
No but I do, I love buyingself-help courses.
I need to stop.
No, but I do.
I love buying self-help courses.
I am actually becoming one ofthe Lisa Nichols certified
(34:30):
facilitators as of now.
I'm studying her, so I reallythink that going through all of
that was a hard time, but ittaught me a lot, and now I want
to become a better person, notjust for myself, but so that I
(34:52):
can help other people and, youknow, show them that when you go
through this type of thing,like when you go through
domestic violence or when you gothrough any kind of trauma,
that's not the end all be all,because there's so many people
who say you know what?
My life is screwed and theyfeel like that's it.
(35:15):
But no, it's not.
As long as you have breath, aslong as you have a voice and
that's one thing that I say nownever forget your voice, never
forget your voice, because aslong as you have breath and you
have a voice, your story needsto be told.
Speaker 2 (35:33):
Our guest tonight.
Author of Walking in Aloharight.
Author of Walking in Aloharight.
Walking in Aloha Five Steps toLiving your God Potential Life.
You know what's interesting tome as we sit here and talk and
reflect about, you know, goingthrough relationships I forget
the word that a lot of peopletrauma, bond and people in
(35:59):
abusive relationships or gettingout of relationships that are
abusive, as you were talkingabout having that time to
reflect, I think tend to link upor find individuals that may be
going through the similar thingand and then revisit or get
(36:21):
back into a relationship thatmay be not in a good place,
where there may be abuse againin regards to physical or mental
abuse.
So we always say you know, seekhelp, look for it, take that
time for yourself.
It's interesting because whenyou look at, you know, in
(36:42):
Diddy's case, that video thatcame out of A Marie I forget the
gal's name, the young one thatthey found in the hotel, just
shocking video to see, period.
I mean think of this youngwoman, had all this money, was
(37:06):
famous but still like, as youwere saying, as as we, you know,
you talk about they're, they'rebeing controlled.
I mean it doesn't mean you haveto be poor to be in a domestic
violent relationship.
You look at this high levelmogul controlling this.
You know this young woman andgrooming her and and she's
saying that everything wasfantastic.
(37:28):
It's crazy to me yeah, that's.
Speaker 3 (37:33):
That's the thing, though the love bombing.
It does feel.
It does feel fantastic.
Honestly.
It does feel good because it'sjust like I say they pour on the
honey, they do Sure, and youcan't help but feel like….
Speaker 2 (37:51):
Euphoric, I mean it's a high right yeah.
Speaker 3 (37:54):
It's a high and oh, this person must love me, right,
that's what you think, sure,yeah, and that's the mistake,
where you start using the wordlove, where you're like, oh,
they love me, but that's not it.
It's not that they love you,it's that they found someone
that they can control and theyrealize that um, I was.
Speaker 2 (38:19):
I wanted to make sure I got her name right.
I was like, look it is it isamary, right, I forget the girl,
the gal's name in that video.
Anyhow, I probably shouldn'tout her out.
I mean it's, it's out there,it's public knowledge.
I know she's.
You know, if it wasn't for her,a lot of this stuff probably
would still be secret.
And I know that there are otherartists who have spoken against
(38:42):
this types of situations and itbeing so normal and when I say
normal that it's been going onbehind the scenes, I'm not
saying that I'm normalizing orI'm saying that it's a normal
thing.
I'm just saying that this wassomething that was behind the
scenes.
Normal Now because of thesevictims coming forward and
(39:07):
sharing their stories and youhaving a book that's out now
that gives ways for it's.
It's interesting because it'salmost like if this book was in
the house of a victim.
They're toast, right, theydon't have like.
It's almost like, as you weretalking about being living.
We don't want to say secret,but hiding the identity of you
(39:27):
moving forward with your lifeand maybe that's the word that
I'll use is continue to havingalmost like an alter ego or
being a way to live this lifethat you know, that you need to
shed this outer skin so that youcan move forward, and what I
would say is, just again, becareful, get help.
(39:50):
If it's seeking psychiatrichelp, if it's calling the
domestic violence hotline.
These numbers are anonymous.
Again, they've been scrollingthrough the scroll If you've
been watching us 1-800-799-7233.
Strong Hearts for NativeHotline.
I know there's a lot of nativesup here in the Pacific
(40:12):
Northwest that domestic violencedoesn't get shared a lot of the
times.
We would like for the their hothelpline is 1-844-762-8483.
I am very dyslexic when I readsometimes so I want to make sure
I get them right.
And if you're a teen who islistening to the show, uh, there
(40:34):
is a domestic teen datinghotline.
Look, you're young, you'redating, it happens.
Look, um, you don't understandyour, your emotions, you're
excuse me, that was my dad in meyou're, you're, you're, you're
growing into your emotions.
You're trying to understand, uh, how to navigate life as a
(40:58):
teenager.
If you need help and you'redating and the teen violent,
there is a teen violence hotline.
That's 1-866-331-9474.
Again, all those hotlines willbe posted in the podcast.
You can go to your favoritepodcasting platform and just
search US Phenomenon with MarioMagana.
(41:20):
Or you can go to my websiteonairmariocom, click on the
podcast tab and you cansubscribe that way.
It's super easy that way.
So you got your options.
However, you prefer to downloadyour podcast, but please like
and subscribe to the podcastpodcast.
But please like and subscribeto the podcast.
(41:41):
Now, when we talk about thisshedding of skin, making our way
through life, trying to learn,look, when you're in a
relationship and you feel likeyou're overwhelmed, you feel the
love bomb, you feel the abusethat is going on in this
relationship.
It doesn't have to be physicalabuse, it can be mental abuse as
(42:01):
well and you don't realize it.
It's key to start to reflect,spend time, do things.
If you're not doing things withyour friends and having a
normal relationship outside ofyour partner, I mean, yes, we
get you do things with yourpartner, that is 100%, but have
you time right?
(42:22):
I mean, these are healthythings in all types of
relationships.
Speaker 3 (42:27):
Yes, the one thing that he did was separate me,
though, and he did say you weregone for so long.
They had you for this manyyears I didn't, and so the guilt
and that's one thing that theywill try to do is to pull you
(42:51):
away from your relationshipswith other people, and it is
part of that control.
So once you see that, that is ahuge red flag.
When you start to see that theystart saying, oh, you know, I
think that you're seeing yourfriends too much, or you know,
(43:13):
you spend so much time with yourfamily, don't you love me?
Those kind of things you know,and they make you choose, then
that's a red flag saying, um,they're wanting to control the
time that you have with otherpeople, because the more you
spend time with other people,you're going to have those
(43:36):
healthy relationships, andthat's not something that they
can manipulate.
Right, once you start being onthe outside and you, you are
more healthy, then you'restarting to look at that like,
hey, that's not right.
I shouldn't feel this way withyou.
So they need to keep thatcontrol and they'll keep you
(44:01):
away from your normalrelationships, one of the things
I am a Christian and I wasalways in church.
He would go to church with me,but when I would raise my hands
in worship, he would put my handdown and he would say if you
(44:22):
want me to come to church withyou, you wouldn't do that
because that's so embarrassing.
And I would now feel like okay,I don't want you not to come
with me.
I'm sorry, I embarrassed you bydoing that.
Speaker 2 (44:40):
It's interesting that you would say that he would
even try to control your faithwith you know a higher power.
Uh, that that that is on Bbeyonds, like a realm that I
would, you know, I would, Idon't know or have like it's.
It's mind blowing for someonewho, like myself or anybody else
listening to think that someonewould want to control your
(45:01):
faith with the Lord or with youknow a higher power.
That is on levels of likedisturbing crazy to me that he
felt that insecure about himselfthat he needed to control the
entire environment, which isscary.
It's.
It's because you think about iton levels of well, why is she
(45:23):
worshiping this guy, his faithover me, almost like he wanted
to be the, the almighty right?
Speaker 3 (45:31):
Yeah, the only one.
Yeah, and if there's anythingelse, then if you love anyone
else, if you'd love anythingelse, then if you love anyone
else, if you love anything else,then that's a problem.
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (45:49):
I'm taken back by that.
I got to be, honest with you,someone who has faith.
I'm taken back by the audacityof someone trying to control
someone's faith.
Um, and look everyone and theremay be people that are
listening that may not have it,and that's okay too, um, but not
(46:09):
okay to control someone's faith, you know.
Let them be express themselves.
It's almost to.
It's almost like grooming iswhat it sounds like to me, like
you were being groomed andcontrolled enough to the
narrative that made him feelsafe.
So that he felt like he was inin full control of everything,
(46:31):
including situations outside ofthe four walls of what was
called your guys's home yes,yeah.
Speaker 3 (46:41):
So, like I said, if there was anything that I gave
my attention to outside of him,um, then it was a problem.
Um, I didn't realize that evenfor my phone he paid for my
(47:01):
phone, that there's a way thatyou can track it.
Speaker 2 (47:07):
Sure.
Speaker 3 (47:07):
You can track the phone and I didn't know that I
was tracked on my phone.
The things that I didn't knowthat now I know um I was tracked
on my phone.
He would come to my work.
He would know if I was eitherin my building or just outside
(47:31):
of my building.
Speaker 2 (47:33):
So he was definitely really tracking you definitely
really tracking you.
Speaker 3 (47:53):
Yeah, I, I was blown away at the fact that he was so
upset one day that, okay, so thebuilding was probably what in
my office I was like and it'sthe same building.
But see, then I I found myselfdoing that a lot where I was, um
, trying to justify myself forbeing in that situation, like I
(48:17):
was only downstairs why, why isthat a problem?
I was just at the sushi sushiplace, right?
Why are you now justifyingyourself for being a normal
person?
Speaker 2 (48:28):
Sure.
Speaker 3 (48:29):
And yeah, things like that.
But it got to that point and Iit was in that office.
Um, he came to the office oneday and he brought flowers out
of the blue.
And that's the thing too.
They will do things like thatand it shows everyone around you
(48:52):
how great they are.
Right, if they come withflowers and candies out of the
blue and they're like oh my gosh, he surprised you Little, did I
know that's part of it, that'sall a part of it.
And when he came he brought meflowers, put it on my desk, huge
(49:14):
bunch of roses.
But the girl that worked with me, he didn't see her because she
had an office in the back and Iwas the receptionist in the
front.
So he only saw me.
And she asked me one day like,oh, come downstairs and have a
cigarette with me.
I said I don't smoke cigarettes.
(49:35):
She goes no, just comedownstairs, we can talk, right.
And I thought whatever you know.
So I went downstairs and stoodoutside with her while she was
smoking her cigarette.
And it was because she said Iknow him and I was like what?
And she goes, he dated mysister and they had a like a
(50:02):
crazy relationship where he waslike really violent.
He followed her everywhere andall and he, she was telling me
my life and I was so surprisedbecause he didn't see her.
Right, he didn't see her, hedidn't know she was there.
And I was so afraid like, oh no, she knows exactly what I'm
(50:26):
going through.
And because I didn't know I wastrapped.
He ended up in the parking lot.
Oh, wow, and yeah, and he waslike, oh, I wanted to bring you
lunch.
And we were both like shocked,because now we're sitting there
(50:49):
talking about him, right, andwe're like, oh no, how much does
he know?
Did he hear?
How long was he here?
And I was so scared I was like,okay, thank you.
And then she bolted, she wentupstairs and then we were like
after we're in the office andwe're like how did he know?
How did he know we were outside?
(51:10):
You know?
Sure, now I'm hearing it fromsomeone else that I'm not crazy,
I'm not making this up, it'snot in my mind, that's where.
(51:40):
I believe that God gave meverification through someone
else that I wasn't losing mymind.
I'm not making it up.
Speaker 2 (51:46):
And, as we all know or maybe you don't know that,
there are devices, there are,there are different types of
things that are available tofamilies, to, you know, make
sure that their kids are safe.
There are tracking devices,there are apps, there are things
within the iPhones that you canset up as a family.
(52:09):
Uh, like you know, the onlypair I share my, my location
with my, my sister and mydaughter, and my daughter shares
her location with me, and so Iknow exactly where it works.
She is 16.
I don't ask a lot of questions,but it's, it's helpful for when
she is around, when she'smaking the commute to seattle to
(52:32):
hang out with me, that we havean idea where she is, so that we
know that she's safe during hertransition.
Um, but this is something thatwe should.
It should not be abused and forthose, um understanding or that
, who are in relationships youknow people will say I don't
(52:54):
know that I was in arelationship, I don't know that
I need my partner to knowexactly where I'm at, nor do I
need to know where my partner isat.
We should have trust in in ourrelationship.
That is respect that.
Hey, I'm going to have dinnerwith my friends, here's where
I'm going.
(53:14):
I will check in and let youknow how things are going.
Blah, blah, blah.
Things of that nature.
That is respect it, make surethat and if you are going to as
a lot of people are doing nowtrack, use these apps to know
each other's location that's onyou.
But understand, you can look inyour device to make sure if you
(53:38):
are sharing your location witha contact boyfriend, girlfriend,
to see if someone and then thatway you can have a better
understanding of what is goingon.
Like maybe you don't knowyou're in a relationship that is
abusive and you feel like, howdoes he know that this is going
on, or she?
I shouldn't always play in theguy, but maybe guys are being
(53:59):
abused as well.
I don't know that that happensa ton, but I think it's the vice
versa, where women are morevictims than guys, but I'm sure
there are a few guys that arevictims as well.
But check your phone,understand, be aware of your
surroundings, have anunderstanding of what's going on
with your phone.
All you got to do is look andyou can see if you're sharing
(54:22):
your location with a contact.
Just go to the contact and youcan see if you're sharing your,
your location.
If you're on an iphone andwhatnot now other, you can also
google it.
Use incognito window if youneed, you know.
Go to do it at work if you, ifyou're in an abusive
relationship, be smart about howyou're doing these things so
that you don't become punishedfor seeking refuge or help.
(54:49):
That is my key here is to makesure that everyone stays safe.
Use these hotlines Again.
Phoenix Rose has been so kindand gracious to join us to share
her thoughts and perspectivesof what these abusive
relationships look like and howto move forward in your life.
(55:09):
Did you ever feel that you wereever going to be able to get
out of that relationship?
At that point in time whenyou're like, oh my god, this guy
knows now, I'm sure you feltlike crud that now a co-worker
knows what's going on, you'redid you feel like at that point
you're like I need out, or didyou feel like you were still the
(55:31):
victim, like you were liketaking the blame for what was
going on, like, oh, I didsomething bad.
Speaker 3 (55:39):
Well, at that point, you know, like I said, I
realized that it wasn't just me,it wasn't all in my mind.
I knew I had to get out, but atthat point I didn't know how.
I didn't know how to get out.
It wasn't until, I think, a fewmonths after that that I
(56:00):
actually went into the doctor'soffice and that part is in my
book also where my doctorrealized that there was
something wrong.
He asked me if there wassomething wrong and I said no,
everything was fine.
For one point.
(56:20):
The first time I went in to seehim, the abuser came in with me.
He asked the doctor asked oh,do you want him to stay outside?
And before I could answer hewas like no, I'm going in with
(56:42):
her.
And I said it's okay, you know,because at that point you can't
say no, he would be like whyare you telling me to stay
outside?
So he came in with me.
The second time I went in mydoctor I guess he knew from the
very initial visit heautomatically said she'll be
back, you can stay out here.
(57:03):
He didn't even give him achance to answer.
And that's when I went in andhe looked at me and asked are
you okay?
And because I was by myself atthe time, I told him no, I'm not
okay.
And I told him what was goingon and he said do you need us to
(57:25):
remove him?
We can get you help now.
And because I had people athome, I said no, I explained
everything.
I don't want people to be outof a home, I don't know what's
going to happen if I saysomething now.
And that's when he got me incontact with my psychologist.
(57:46):
At first I was like I don'tneed a psychologist, I'm not
crazy, you know, I didn't knowwhat that meant.
And he goes that's not whatit's for.
You know, you need someone totalk to.
Speaker 2 (58:02):
To be that other person, yeah, to be that
confident, um other person, togive you that overview, that
that 200 foot overview of what'sgoing on and and not be
judgmental, right to be able togive insight to what they're
you're sharing with them, togive you tools to make the
(58:26):
proper decision, to move forwardand how to navigate through
that.
Speaker 3 (58:32):
Yes, and that is what helped me.
That started everything how toget out safely.
Who, to you know like?
Find someone that you can talkto, someone that you can safely
confide in, someone that will dothese things for you.
And that's where I confided ina friend that helped me to move
(58:58):
my things out, to get thataccount for me under her name.
You know things like that.
So it wasn't until then thatthe ball started rolling and I
was able to get out, but it didtake time because I couldn't
just leave.
(59:19):
Sure.
Speaker 2 (59:22):
As we get close to wrapping things up here, our
guest Phoenix Rose, walking inaloha, someone who may be
listening, who may have justjumped on, who may need help,
summarize to them what theyshould.
Summarize to them how they canget help.
(59:44):
What should they do?
Oh, did we lose you?
Are you still there?
I think she's still there.
(01:00:05):
Are you there?
Hello, oh, there you are.
Okay, I lost you there for asecond.
So if you were to summarizehere, as we get close to
wrapping things up, someone whomight need help, let's summarize
something that you can givethem a little quick, little tip
(01:00:25):
to move forward, to take thatfirst initial step, little tip
to move forward to take thatfirst initial step.
Speaker 3 (01:00:29):
To take that first initial step, look inside
yourself, remember who you areoh no, you froze again there.
Speaker 2 (01:00:48):
I believe she said take that initial first step to
know who you are.
Our guest Phoenix Rose, walkingin Aloha.
Hopefully she'll be back hereshortly.
Again, if you need help, youcan always safely use the
domestic um domestic violencehotline.
(01:01:09):
Um, you can, there is, uh,we'll have all these posted
within the podcast.
Um again.
Uh, phoenix rose, uh, sharewith us one one thing you would
give to someone who's listening,who might need to take that
first step.
Speaker 3 (01:01:28):
I would say you know, seek someone that you can talk
to.
Just remember who you are, whoyou were created to be.
As I said, I'm a Christian.
God created you with a uniquevoice, as a unique person.
No one should ever take thataway from you.
Remember who you are and neverforget your voice.
(01:01:50):
So seek help.
Like I said, the NationalDomestic Hotline, or, like I did
, seek medical help and they canget you to someone who can help
you.
Speaker 2 (01:02:02):
And this doesn't mean you have to be in a
relationship too.
There are and I hate to saythis, this, but there are people
that are working in theindustry that probably is
frowned upon and there'sprobably so much domestic
violence going on for thoseindividuals that may be.
You know, you know bikinibaristas or strippers and you
(01:02:22):
know working in strip clubs andthings of that nature, and I
know that's not always a fun joband I'm not one to judge.
But look, everyone deserves tobe treated with respect,
regardless of what they do for aliving.
You are human, you are a personregardless, so we don't.
I'm not shaming anyone inregards to this.
Speaker 3 (01:02:43):
Everyone is important and is equal, and equal and
deserves to have a voice yes,yes, exactly so, no matter where
you are, who you are, yes, andyou did mention about um men as
victims.
And there are men who arevictims and it's even harder for
(01:03:03):
them because they are supposedto be the manly man right, they
can't possibly be a victim.
But it is true, that's right,there are men who are victims.
Speaker 2 (01:03:15):
It is.
It is very true.
It is very true.
I think, uh, I think, thingsthat are not always brought up,
is that also men's?
Mental health awareness is notalso brought up.
Uh, we'll also put those uh inthe podcast as well as we get
close to wrapping things up fromthe pacific northwest.
You can find her book on amazon.
(01:03:36):
We'll have a link posted in thepodcast.
Uh, author phoenix.
Uh, it is such an honor to haveyou on, phoenix rose.
Author of walking in aloh FiveSteps to Living your Godly Life.
You don't have to be God, youdon't have to have faith, you
can be spiritual whatever.
However, your faith and walk inlife is no judgment on anyone
(01:04:00):
here.
Again, it's so what a pleasureto have you come on and share
your story with us to helpothers out there.
This is something that is notalways talked about.
It's not sexy, it's not UFO-y,it's not big footy Sasquatch one
of my favorite things.
It's not Chupacabra, it's notany of those paranormal type of
(01:04:22):
things, but it's life.
It is something that is on thisplane that doesn't always get
talked about.
Domestic violence, physicalviolence, these things that are
in the headline news right nowIf you're someone who is
watching that again, we do notcondone.
There are places you can go forhelp.
(01:04:43):
If you need help, please seekhelp.
You know.
Like I said, go to the NationalDomestic Violence Hotline.
Go to the Strong Hearts NativeHelpline Teens.
If you're struggling out thereand you're in a relationship
you're learning how to date, ofcourse, and you feel like you're
in an abusive or a violentrelationship, there is a teen
(01:05:03):
hotline 1-866-331-9474.
Speaker 3 (01:05:09):
Again, as we wrap things up, any last parting
words from you well, no, thankyou for having me on and have a
happy new year same to you and,again, a pleasure as we wrap
things up from the PacificNorthwest.
Speaker 2 (01:05:28):
I'd like to thank our guest Phoenix Rose Walking in
Aloha.
If you need help, please godownload the podcast.
All the links will be providedin the podcast as well.
Go to your favorite podcastingplatform or search for us.
Us Phenomenon with Mario Magana, or go to my website
onairmariocom.
Click on the podcast tab andyou can subscribe that way.
(01:05:50):
Uh, for my entire team MarkChristopher, sophia Magana and
myself.
Mario Magana, be sure to lookup at the sky, because you never
know what you might see.
Good night,
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