July 3, 2025 • 72 mins
Disclaimer: this story is told with honor and with the intention to heal and spread hope, but there are triggering graphic details shared. Please watch with caution. Krista opens up about her life in two abusive relationships, one violent, the other controlling, and how she used drugs and alcohol to cope. In this powerful episode, she shares her journey through addiction, losing custody of her kids, and nearly dying from internal injuries.
But Krista found help, healing, and a new purpose. Now sober and helping other women, she’s living proof that it’s never too late to change your life. This episode is about surviving trauma, breaking the cycle of abuse, and learning to love yourself again. If you or someone you know is struggling with abuse or addiction, you're not alone.
02:04 Growing Up in a Small Town
04:39 Struggles with Addiction
12:40 Escaping an Abusive Marriage
25:44 Health Consequences of Abuse
34:23 Reflecting on My Father's Struggles
35:26 The Role of Recovery and Therapy
35:49 Challenges in Building Bonds
36:35 Abusive Relationships and Family Interventions
38:12 CPS Involvement and the Fight for My Kids
38:42 Struggles with Vicodin Addiction
52:55 The Turning Point: Seeking Help
53:18 Embracing Sobriety and Helping Others#survivorstory
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
I was married to a very abusive narcissistic person.
At first it was really good. He was like my Prince Charming.
I was the most beautiful person in the world.
I was the most important person in the world.
Like he would love bomb and makeme feel like I was so important.
But that's the thing about narcissism.
Little things started to happen.Like I would get drunk and I
(00:21):
would say something and I would get beat up.
Like I broke my ribs like 12 times.
But I was convinced that it was my fault.
I remember people were like, howcan you be in that?
And I'm like, it's not like I woke up one day and I'm like,
I'm going to go and I'm going tolove somebody that beats the
shit out of me. I knew what could happen.
What was the gifts of sobriety? I had that and my ego was so big
(00:44):
and it kept me out for so long. It took me a really long time to
make it back. But it's not just being sober.
It's just like being in this peace and serenity, like looking
in the mirror and being like, I love myself today, man.
Like that's huge, huge. I feel like I have something to
offer. I go into a, a recovery home
(01:07):
that's a women's recovery home. Some of them like the lights
turning on and it's like just fills my heart.
I, I guarantee there's women right now that listen to your
whole story that are in your relationship and they're
justifying it and they don't think they're in it or they
think they deserve it. What do you say to them?
(01:28):
It took me a long time to understand that this is actually
whoever watches this is irrelevant.
Like it doesn't matter how many countries it's in and how many
streams it's getting. What's really going on is you
and I sitting here like that's what this is.
And after a year, I realized that and I took so much pressure
off. You're not trying to say certain
things or like use SEO words or anything like that.
(01:50):
It's just two humans connecting,right?
Yeah, I almost called it any 2 humans.
Oh, I kind of like that. No, I like vibe.
I like. Humanity.
Yeah. I'm like.
Good. It's hard not to.
Not too well like. That one.
Yeah, it's really cool. So where are you from
originally? I am Eldorado County, OK Yep, I
grew up. I was born in Placerville at
(02:10):
Marshall Hospital, so I lived there most of my life.
Grew up Pollock Pines and then we moved to Georgetown to be
closer to my my dad's mom and mymom's parents and yeah.
What's it like growing up in Pollock Pines and the trees and
the snow and the elements and small town?
It's a good until it's not. I was the oldest, so I had to
(02:35):
shovel the snow. I had to help out more.
You know, there was a certain level of responsibility expected
of me. So it was.
I hated it growing up. I hated that I had to do chores.
I hated that. Like certain responsibilities
fell to me. Feels like all of them, right?
When you're the only like the oldest children.
(02:57):
We really do. We have to navigate life with no
help. We're just out there
experimenting. So the younger siblings feel
super safe. I got my older sibling and we're
just out there like we're the game.
Yeah, we kind of are. And a lot.
It's like a natural role gets taken on in the family of almost
a second parent. You know they're expected to
show up for Crisis and it's weird being an older sibling.
(03:20):
It is, it's I hated it growing up.
Now I look back and I'm like, itwasn't that bad.
Like, I can see what my parents were trying to teach me, you
know, And I can see now that I'ma parent, like, oh, OK.
And as much as I, I hate it, I thought my parents were like out
to get me or make my life so much harder and more difficult.
(03:41):
I'm like, God, they really gave me grace.
You know, now that I'm a parent,I have to remind myself, OK,
this isn't the end of the world.Like I have to pick my battles.
I'm raising. I have a 14 year old right now.
Wow. And that is very trying.
I can imagine, you know. Boy or girl?
Boy, I'm two boys. But being in recovery, I have
(04:05):
that fear, right, that he's going to make the same mistakes
that I did. So it seems like every bad
decision he makes in my idea or my eyes, it's, it's huge.
It's like, Oh my gosh, he's one step away from fentanyl or he's,
you know, one step away from a DUI.
And I have to really pump my brakes because I've got so much
(04:27):
knowledge and experience and it's like I want to keep him in
this double. Yeah.
You know, and I, I can't becauseit's, it's difficult.
Yeah. How old were you when you
started seeing signs of that sort of life coming?
You know, I was younger when I would experiment and I would try
(04:47):
it, trying to be cool. Like weed?
Yeah, not in drinking or smokingcigarettes.
I think I started smoking cigarettes in 8th grade, but I
don't think I showed signs of being like a real alcoholic
until after high school, You know, because living at home, I
had that curfew. I couldn't get away with too
(05:08):
much. Like I could go and I could
party. And that was my dad's thing is,
even if I was hungover, of course he didn't like it.
But I had to show up every Sunday morning, go to church
with my parents. I was raised LDS and so I would
are. You still LDS?
(05:29):
I don't go to church. I don't necessarily associate
myself with any like religion per SE.
I find myself to be more spiritual.
I do a lot of prayer and meditation.
Plus with my work schedule, I work nights and so Sundays are
my day off. I get off at like 7:00 in the
(05:49):
morning and I want to go home and I want to go to sleep.
I don't want to get dressed and go to church.
So it's like a little combination of things.
But my children, they go to church with my parents or they
go to church with my grandmother.
I'm letting them like find wherethey fit in.
But I wouldn't say that I necessarily.
(06:10):
I believe a lot of the things I grew up learning, but I don't
necessarily have like a title I guess.
That makes sense. Yeah, I totally derailed you.
I'm sorry. So you had to show up to church
hungover or whatever he wanted. Well, in high school they called
me like the naughty Mormon because I was notorious for
doing keg stands this Saturday night.
(06:31):
That qualifies. You know, doing crazy stuff
Saturday night. But I always went to church
Sunday morning, hungover or not,I showed up.
And I'm sure that my dad got a lot of Flack for that, but he
was like, he would say, like, atleast she's here.
Like, yeah, she's, I'm not making the choices that I
approve of, but she's here. She's going to get it at some
(06:55):
point. And, you know, my dad let me
fall and I have to remember that.
But it's funny because now that he's a Papa, he's almost harder
on my son than I am. Like, I'm a little bit more calm
down. Thank God for my sponsor and
women in the program that are also mothers.
(07:16):
I can kind of step back and respond rather than react.
Or my dad is more explosive, youknow, he gets real angry real
quick. And that fear, just because
addiction does run so heavily and prevalent in my family, you
know? Does he have that?
He does. I remember growing up, he was a
(07:39):
musician, so he was on the road.He was in a band called Moon Dog
Maine, and they're like, big thing was Frank Cannon was the
guitarist. He was in Tesla.
So I grew up just calling him Uncle Frank.
You know, that's just Uncle Frank, whatever.
But he was on the road a lot andI never saw him drinking or
(08:02):
using. I never saw that side of him.
Later on I found out that he waslike doing meth and you know,
drinking. He kept it very private and he
was able to function for a really long time.
But I think as I got older and my addiction came to light, like
(08:22):
he started to get it was more noticeable that he was self
medicating because I could see it going through it myself.
And I was like, huh? What were you using when it what
got you? I was more of an upper OK.
When I found out that my dad didmeth, I like took that vow that
(08:44):
I will never do meth. Like I'm going to be high class
so I'm going to stick to cocaineand ecstasy and drinking.
Like I'm not going to be a bottom dweller because I thought
I had this ego. Like I was so much better than
and my dad's. Like stuff here, the designer
drugs. Right.
And my dad's like Krista, you'rejust paying like triple and your
(09:06):
high last like this. I'm going to be, yeah, I'm going
to be up for three days really getting shit done.
You're going to be like done. He's like, so you stick to that.
I'm good. We can joke about it now, but
yeah, it was. Is he on the recovery Rd. as
well? He is he last I checked in with
(09:28):
him, he was a little over 2 years.
So he's like maybe a year ahead of me.
I got originally sober in 2010. I was three months pregnant with
my oldest son Joey. When I or no, I'm sorry, I was,
I got pregnant and I was three months sober with my oldest son,
(09:49):
Joey. And for the first five years of
his life, he never saw me drink or use like I was in recovery
and I was doing really well. It wasn't until my grandfather
got sick with Lou Gehrig's disease that that that hit me
and I isolated. I did the exact opposite of what
(10:10):
you're supposed to do. I didn't reach out to anyone.
I took on that, that hurt and that pain, you know, and I made
it about me. It was no longer about my
grandfather's legacy and the time that I had with him.
It was about anger towards God. Like why did you take him?
He had retired. He had been retired for like 8
(10:32):
months. He wanted to do so much.
He'd worked his whole life and he finally retired.
And oh, by the way, you're not going to be able to walk, You're
not going to be able to, to use your arms.
You're slowly going to lose every function in your body, and
that's how you're going to die and with.
Lou Gehrig Is their brain still cognizant?
(10:53):
Like are they still? Up until the end, but it's like.
So they're just in a prison of adecaying.
Of their body horrible, they lose the function to breathe on
their own. Like all the nerves, all the
function that we take for granted, it slowly just goes
away. So he like he was getting pains
(11:13):
in his legs and the muscle deteriorated.
And so it started like he couldn't walk.
And there were pictures of him where he'd have a belt that he
wrapped around his legs to hold them tight or closed because
when he'd be sitting in his wheelchair, they would just like
he couldn't, he had no no weight, like no strength.
(11:34):
And this is the man that would build custom cars, restore
custom cars. He would see like a bike rack or
things, images that he wanted and he would just go home and
fabricate that in his shop. He had this huge mechanic shop,
you know, like he was very much with his hands.
(11:55):
He taught me how to drive a manual stick shift, you know,
like he was just this builder. He built his entire house, him
and my grandmother. I mean, he was just like a man's
man. And so growing up, like he was
who I wanted in my life, you know, like, I wanted a man that
(12:15):
had traits like that. And we were really close.
And it, it just broke my heart. And a few months after he passed
away, I was like, OK, I think I can be normal, you know?
I think I deserve this. Oh, like you could drink or use
again. Yeah, and were.
You in a 12 step program at thattime.
(12:36):
I was like, I had a sponsor, butI wasn't really talking to her.
I was married to a very abusive,narcissistic person.
So like if I went to a meeting or if I went to see my sponsor,
it was OK. It is 12:00.
I'm going to give you an hour and you better be home within 20
(12:58):
minutes after that hour. Otherwise you are sleeping with
someone else. You're doing something wrong.
Like you need to go there and come back within a certain time
frame or he would like call me multiple times and be like you
rather you better be dead or youlike better have a good excuse
because I better not find out that you're cheating on me.
(13:20):
Stressful and you're trying to stay sober and just which is
stressful in itself, right? And so when he would want you
home, it was serve him in some way, right?
Like as you go or something. Or that's what narcissism does.
Yeah, And he was so insecure. It didn't matter how in love
with them I was or what I did, right.
I remember I was cutting tomatoes for a salad, and I
(13:42):
didn't use the right knife. And he just backhanded me.
And he's like, you're such an idiot.
Like you do. Yeah.
And he's like, like, you're so dumb.
You know that you're supposed tocut it.
Like you're making a bigger mess.
You're trying to make, like, crappy food for me.
And you're supposed to be make, you know, you're supposed to
serve me. And I'm like, I had no idea that
you had to use a special serrated knife to cut tomatoes.
(14:04):
I didn't eat it. Yeah, Like, I just came home
after smacked. And I'm like, I just came home
after work, you know? And I'm sorry.
I've got children. I've got things on my mind.
I didn't. You don't think about little
things like that. But it to him that was a big
deal. So there was, if that was there
with the knife, there was probably 100 other things like
(14:25):
that that you're trying to manage at all times and probably
never could. So you're always in trouble.
Is that what that was like? Always, always.
How long were you married to him?
We split in 2019, we got marriedin 2009, so it was right around
10 years. Thank God you didn't have to do
COVID with him. You imagine.
That oh God, it was at first it was really good.
(14:48):
He was like my Prince Charming. But that's the thing about
narcissism. And what's crazy is before him,
I had dated an abusive person who like the same thing.
When he came in, it was all about me.
I was the most beautiful person in the world.
I was the most important person in the world.
(15:09):
Like he would love bomb and makeme feel like I was so important,
right? And then little things started
to happen. Like I would get drunk and I
would say something and I would get beat up.
And when I say beat up, like I broke my ribs like 12 times.
I would have black eyes. I would have bruises all over my
(15:29):
body all the time. But I was convinced that it was
my fault. Damn it.
Yeah, like if I talked better, if I treated him better, if I,
you know, if I anything, it was it was always me.
I was the problem. It had nothing to do with him.
He wouldn't have to hit me if I would just act right.
If I could just do, if I could just be that person, like the
(15:53):
perfect person, like he wouldn'thave to do that, you know.
And he he would, it was he wouldtell me like Krista, I don't
want to have to hit you. I don't want to have to do this.
But but you leave me no choice, you know.
And then afterwards it was like the, the praise and the love,
like I'll never hit you again. And you know that you're so
(16:13):
special to me and I love you so much.
And I remember people were like,how can you be in that?
And I'm like, it's not like I woke up one day and I'm like,
I'm going to go and I'm going tolove somebody that beats the
shit out of me. Not like that happened on the
first date. Right.
It just slowly takes over and you look back and and I remember
(16:35):
that first day that I looked in the mirror and I didn't have
bruises all over my body and I was like, oh, so this is must,
this must be what it's like to be normal because I was covered
in bruises for what seems like 2years straight.
You know, my dad would have to pick me up in the ER and I would
have busted ribs or a broken collarbone, 2 black eyes.
(16:59):
And I can imagine as a parent, especially my dad because I'm
daddy's little girl, how how hard that must have been for him
to see me like that. And when he would tell me you
can't, you can't go back, you need to leave.
And I would sneak out and go back and I would be gone for a
(17:21):
month at a time. They wouldn't hear from me.
They wouldn't know if I was deador alive.
Were you using with this guy? Oh yeah, OK.
What were the first signs that like if you could look back and
be like, oh, I'm I ignored that red flag or I missed that red
flag, like you drop a fork on a date and overreaction there.
What's the first one you remember that maybe other women
(17:44):
can look out for? I think for me it was just that
subtle. I remember we were at a party
and he pulled me outside and he was like, you're talking to
other men. You're trying to make me
jealous. And I remember he grabbed me by
my arms and he held me up against the wall.
(18:05):
And then he let me go and he, like, just choked me.
And he's like, if you think thatyou're going to make me jealous,
you need to think again, like you're nothing, right?
And I'm like what the hell? So it went from love bombs to
that. Right.
But then the next day he was like, I'm so sorry.
I was drinking. I was, you know, a little bit
(18:26):
more. I was just a little off.
He's like, you know, that I obviously care about you.
You know, I'm getting jealous and I'm sorry.
I've never felt like this with somebody else.
Like, like you just bring this out of me.
Like I'm so afraid to lose you. Like I really think that I could
be falling in love with you. So I'm 19 and I'm like, Oh my
gosh, you know, like this guy, he's so passionate, right?
(18:51):
And that's the other thing, likethat passion, that fire, like
that connection sexually. So you're like, oh, it's OK that
it spills over because we're, we're just so passionate, you
know, Makes sense that. It would.
Oh wow, you know, and it just, it was little subtle things that
I would just start making excuses for and I just started
(19:14):
to accept because. What was the first time?
Do you remember the first time that he actually hit you?
There was a lot of drinking and drugging, but one that sticks
out big time was we had gone to Reno to kind of rekindle because
(19:34):
I at this point was was like leaving and coming back and we
went to Reno and something had happened.
We had gotten split up when we were at the club and we went
back to the room and I just remember him hitting me and my
head banging against the mirror.Like like I, I was sitting on
(19:57):
the sink and he was banging my head against the mirror.
I must have passed out. I must have blacked out because
then I woke up on the floor and he was kicking me and I was
backed up against the toilet. And I remember him kicking me in
my ribs and his friend actually came and grabbed him and he's
like, if you don't stop, she's going to die.
(20:18):
You need to stop and. And I think that was the biggest
one that that scared me. I wish it would have been the
last one, but unfortunately I think I stayed with him another
nine months and I, I don't know,maybe I what?
No, no. I'm like, because I would leave,
(20:39):
you know, to be like, oh, you domiss me.
You do want me back. And then I would go back and
it's, it's almost, I don't know.There was just a really bad
situation, the drinking and the drugging and the.
Mental manipulation. Yeah, so I like tried to play
mental manipulation games with him, play it back, you know, and
(20:59):
it just blew up in my face because he's like, yeah, you're
not going to have that over me like I am.
I am your your master. You, you know, there's almost
like that obedience, like he's, he's it.
How old was he? He, I was, when I met with him,
I was 19, he was 22. OK.
(21:20):
So when I, when I left, I was 21.
He was like 2425. How did you finally get out?
It wasn't like, how did that end?
My 21st birthday, I wanted him to go out with me and spend the
night on the town. So we were in like an open
(21:41):
relationship. OK, you know, and that's a great
thing to do when you have two people who get jealous and one
that's like, really abusive. Yeah, Let's go and mix some
drugs in. Yeah.
Yeah. So I wanted him to go out with
me on my birthday, and he did for a little while, but then he
went back home with this girl. And so I came home in a rage
(22:06):
because he had said some excuse,like I have a headache or
whatever. I came home and I found them in
bed. And I remember grabbing my heels
and my stuff and chucking it at him.
So he gets up and he picks me upand he throws me through the
bedroom wall. I go through the wall, through
the hallway, into the bathroom. And his mom had come out for my
(22:28):
birthday, right? And she goes, if you don't
leave, my son is going to kill you.
Like you need to leave this relationship.
I know you love him. I know he cares about you, but
if you don't leave, he's going to to you and I don't want to
visit my son in prison, so you know so.
That was her line. Not like take care of yourself,
(22:50):
but. Right.
Just kind. Of like where the narcissism
came. From right.
So it was kind of, it was more so like, you need to leave
because I don't want to have to deal with like, I don't want my
son to go to prison. And I'm sure she didn't want me
to die, you know? But at the same time, like her
son was her main priority. Yeah, so I got a bus ticket
because I was drinking. I didn't, I couldn't find my
license. So I had a bus ticket and I took
(23:12):
a Greyhound and he gave me like like a small bag full of
ecstasy. He let me do a few bumps before
I left. And he gave me like a bottle of
E&J Brandy. And he was like, nice knowing
you. And of course he called me and
he's like, come back. You know, I, it was in Vegas.
I hit LA and he's like, come back.
(23:33):
We can make this work. And I was talking to my dad and
he's like, Krista, if you go back, I'm you're not coming back
home. Like this is too much.
This has been going on for too long.
I can't do this anymore. You either come home and you're
done. I just can't imagine being him
because you can't do anything. He can't literally stop you.
So he has to just be like a pillar of strength for you to
(23:53):
come to anytime he needs you. And he's sitting there like I
hope she makes it back to me. Right, well, and of course,
like, how did he deal with it? He was doing methamphetamines.
So him and my mom, like, had hadto split because CPS was
involved. So my mom had my two brothers
and my dad was in and out of rehab trying to get his stuff
(24:16):
together. And I can only imagine a lot of
it had to do with the fact of what I was going through and
what I was going, you know, doing.
You have that guilt. As well.
Yeah, yeah. So that's a.
Lot of burden at 21. Yeah, talk about picking up a
lot of trauma. And I like looking back, I'm
like, no wonder I ran for as long as I did and I numbed out
(24:38):
because I didn't want to deal with the reality.
I didn't want to deal with like the consequences, me going to
jail or me getting hit. You know, that was, I was used
to it, but thinking about what it was doing to my parents or
thinking about what it was doingto other people who cared about
me, like my grandmother, you know, my grandfather was still
(24:59):
alive at this time. Like thinking about the family,
you know, that saw me, that I had hope like I had, you know, I
could have had a beautiful future.
And I'm, I chose to run and do this, you know, and I just, I'd
given up on life. I, I couldn't base life on
(25:21):
life's terms and I ran. I had like I no thanks, not
today. I it was easier for me to just
numb myself. So ran, as in, like a big drug
runner. Oh, yeah, like I just stayed
high from the age of 19 until I wanted until 23 years old, 22, I
(25:46):
had broken my ribs 12, like 1213times.
And each time that these ribs broke, they severed my pancreas
just a little bit. Jesus.
Yeah. So from kicks then or something
like? Kicks and punches like it
severed my pancreas so it my pancreas was split in half so
(26:07):
one part was trying to work and the other part was just
consuming itself. Oh wow.
And so I had pancreatitis and I remember the doctors would send
people from like the program andthey're like, do you think you
have a problem? And I'm like, if you were
talking to my dad, because I'm, I'm not an alcoholic, like I
(26:31):
drink 1/5 of day. Wait.
So they were coming in and 12 stepping you in the hospital
like the good old days, like in the book.
I didn't know that still happened.
Well, because I remember. Crazy.
Yeah, that's awesome. Well, the doctor, he's like,
there's no way that this happened from a, from a man
hating you. He's like, the only time we've
seen this kind of trauma is whena person's in a car and the
(26:53):
front crushes them. He's like, I just, I don't
believe you. And I'm like, I've never been in
a car accident. And like, I know I was there.
And he goes, no, it's, it's, it's because of your drinking,
which I, I give him that it didn't, it didn't help, you
know, but the initial trauma wasthe fact that it was, you know,
(27:17):
breaking my ribs all those times.
I am and now you're alone with it.
You're not going to be believed.That's.
Effed up. Oh, my surgeon, when my surgeon
got in there, he was like, Oh yeah, there was a lot of scar
tissue. So I had to have surgery.
I have this huge L on my chest. They cut me.
I was in at Marshall Hospital and I was one of the first cases
(27:41):
that this surgeon had had. And so we had another surgeon
assisting him. And I was in surgery for, I want
to say like 12 hours, 1012 hours.
And they got in there. They had tried to do a stent,
but the stent wasn't holding. Like they were trying to connect
it back together to see if it would regrow itself, but it
(28:01):
wasn't. So they went in there and they
removed the part of the pancreasthat was consuming itself, But
my spleen was covered in pseudocyst from the trauma.
So they had to take that out. And they went in there and he
could see like the where it was fractured multiple times.
And he was like, yeah, you know,unfortunately, like, I believe
(28:23):
you. Yeah.
Was that valid? Was that nice to have someone at
least say I believe you? Kind of, I mean, it made it just
made me feel like, OK, I'm not really an alcoholic, you know,
like, damn it. This.
Is where that went. It was like at this point you
were out of the relationship. OK, wow.
Yeah. And yeah, So I tried going to
(28:46):
meetings and my first reaction was, all right, I'll quit doing
the drugs because that's illegal.
And that's like, obviously really bad for me because my
consequences are a lot more harsher, you know?
But I can continue to drink. I can continue to function
because I'm not really like, I don't have a problem with
drinking. It's more so that I have a
problem putting stuff up my noseand not eating for days at a
(29:09):
time. So I'll continue drinking, but
I'll, I'll do it the normal way,like I'll go to, I'll do it
tastefully, like I'll have a glass of wine and be all
ladylike, you know? Switch from beer to wine.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm not going to drink a fifth a
day and and I think the glass ofwine maybe lasted not even a
night. So it didn't work.
(29:30):
No, because it's not. It's with me, it's not wanting
to be ladylike or it's just I drink with the intent of getting
fucked up. So if I'm not blacked out, if
I'm like not hammered exactly like there's no point to my
drinking. Like I don't want to remember.
(29:50):
I want to black out. I want to have the best night of
my life. And like, I never, I never had
that, that stop button, that pause button, you know, I was
the loudest 1, the most obnoxious.
So it stayed with drinking for awhile, then after that.
Yeah, I I met my my kids father at 24, so it was like a year
(30:13):
after my surgery. And so then you'd been out about
two years of that relationship, the previous, yes, OK.
And so I met my kids father and like any good new addict
alcoholic in the rooms, it was, I've got 30 days, you've got 20
days. We get together like we'll have
(30:33):
a really good relationship and we'll we'll push each other in
recovery. Like, let's do it.
So we had maybe 90 days clean and sober.
We went up to Tahoe, got marriedthree months later, I found out
I was pregnant with my son. So it, it was the one of the
worst decisions I made. I mean, I'm grateful because I
(30:55):
love my sons and they're the best parts of me.
They are, that's beautiful. You know, like they are the
reason that I'm that I made it back, you know, like I should
have died a lot. There were many times that I
should have died and I truly believe that I'm here to be Jack
(31:16):
and Joe's mom, You know, like that's my purpose and helping
women who are abused who want toget help.
Not everybody does. I know I didn't.
That's. Hard to watch I bet.
Yeah, well, it's like you see that cycle from the outside and
it's like, I know all the stops she's going to go, you know,
(31:39):
like I see the justification, the denial, the, you know, if I
just acted right, he wouldn't hit me.
So let me try to do it, you know?
But unfortunately, like you, yeah, you might get better with
your cooking, but then it's going to be you're not, you're
not sweeping properly. You're not, you know, you're not
(32:01):
as affectionate. You're not kissing me as much.
Like you're never going to be enough.
Like even if you fix all these things that he expects of you,
like he's still going to find reasons so you.
Could hit a hundred thing checklist perfectly and then
there'll be a one. It'll just keep adding to it,
right? So there is no they're never
going to be safe with a narcissist.
(32:23):
No, it's like once for me. I believe like once that dynamic
is there that the abuser is always going to be the abuser
and until that person leaves, it's just the reality that is
the normal and I. Your second, The second was the
(32:45):
father of your children, a narcissist.
Oh yeah, yeah. Again.
Damn. Yeah, I have AI had a type, you
know, and it's like. Why do you think you ended up in
the same type of situation? I think it's like, like I said,
(33:05):
growing up, my dad was on the road and so we were really close
the first few years of my life growing up, Like I was daddy's
little girl, but then he was off.
So part of me wanted somebody who would come in and fill that
role that would kind of father me, but at the same time, like I
wanted a partner. And so I hate saying that I had
(33:29):
daddy issues, even though it's probably true, but it's like I
looked for somebody who would fill that role of the the dad,
but at the same time also be thepartner.
And I would I've done a lot of work.
I don't know where my relationship between me and my
dad went wrong. I think it was the fact that we
(33:52):
were both closet addict Alcoholics.
So like the older I got, the older he got, the the more
distance we had between US. And then, you know, we're both
dealing with our addiction without even really knowing it,
you know, because it's, it's notjust drugs and alcohol, like
(34:15):
it's a, it's a me problem. It's an internal problem for
whatever reason, like I didn't feel good and comfortable in
within myself. That's why I drank and used.
And so I can, I can imagine thatmy dad felt similar, you know,
he was trying to pursuer, pursuedifferent entrepreneurial
(34:35):
things. He was trying to be a musician
so things would fail. And, you know, he wanted to be
the provider. But you know, the guy that took
care of his family that we were doing really well.
And when he wasn't hitting that mark, I think he kind of took it
hard. I don't know.
I can't, I can't say you know what it was, but I can only
(34:59):
imagine because I, I see those traits within myself.
I am, I'm really hard on myself.I have unrealistic expectations
on myself. If, if I'm not a really hard
worker, if I'm not moving forward, I, I tend to feel like
I'm failing. It doesn't matter that all these
(35:21):
things are going right in my life.
Like I only focus on the one thing that went wrong and thank
God for recovery, Thank God for trauma therapy, for counseling,
because I've been able to do a lot of work.
And I think that was the biggestthing that I was missing in the
(35:41):
five years that I had in recovery with while I was
married. You didn't address what they
would say outside issues. Right.
Yeah. I didn't do that.
I didn't build bonds with women like I couldn't, you know, like
I, like I said, I had monitored metered time that I could go and
be with my sponsor. Oh.
Yeah, he didn't want me to go tomeetings with other women
(36:03):
because two women together, we must be, you know, pursuing
little interactions with men and.
Being flirtatious. He's a dirtbag.
Right. And I think that's a lot too, is
he doesn't want that truth getting out there like he
doesn't want to lose what he has.
And if I would just act right, you know, it would be so much
(36:26):
smoother. It'd be so much better.
We'd have. We'd be like the Beavers.
And it's impossible to ever act right.
And if you're in that relationship, right, yeah, you
can never do. This was the second marriage
that we're talking about. I'm sorry that no, it's yeah.
So this was my kids dad. I only have.
Is he physically abusive as well?
I'm jumping you around. Sorry my brain.
No, it's OK. Yeah.
(36:47):
Yes, he was mentally and physically abusive.
My dad with that one was a little bit more aggressive.
After seeing what went on with the first one.
He's like, Oh no, we're not doing this again.
So unfortunately he, him and my dad got physical and they got
into a fist fight one night because my dad was just done.
(37:10):
He was like, I've been there, done that.
I'm not going to have my daughter get abused.
And by no means he was bad. He wasn't as bad as the first
one. So I was a little bit better,
you know? Yeah.
So the first one, that was the worst I'd ever gone gone
through. That's the worst I've ever heard
someone going through that survived it.
(37:31):
I remember I went, I was being booked in El Dorado County and
the the woman booking me goes, what happened?
I'm like, what do you mean? And she goes, you have two
perfect black eyes and I'm like,my boyfriend beat me like you
want to set because I can have him hook you up.
And I remember her like you don't talk like that.
And I'm like, who compliments somebody on 2 black eyes?
(37:52):
Like obviously I didn't just fall.
I'm obviously in an abusive relationship.
You know what I mean? Like it was just, it was crazy,
but I was the bad guy because I'm like, he'll hook you up.
But that was my, that was my. My ammo should not have been
drunk. How did that relationship end?
(38:14):
The OR the marriage I should say.
So CPS got involved. Because of abuse or drugs?
Because of abuse. OK, I was pretty good.
I I hadn't done cocaine in a really long time.
I wasn't really drinking becausewith the half a pancreas, every
time I drank it felt like alcohol poisoning and it was
(38:35):
like I would be hungover for like 4 or five days.
And so to me it just wasn't worth it.
So I found this really cool thing called Vicodin.
Oh no, what year was this? 2002, 1010 No.
(38:56):
Well, when I found the Vicodin, it was like 2014.
It was right after my second son, so he was born in 2016.
So I was getting them for back pain and the kids died.
He could get it also for back pain.
So I would get 120 the first twoweeks and he would get 120 this
like the second two weeks. So between him and I, we would
(39:18):
go through 240 pills in a month.And that seems like a lot, but
it was just enough because you would pop them and you would
feel good, right? But if you really wanted to get
the effects of opiates and you really wanted to get like that
good high, you had to chop it upand you had to snort it.
(39:40):
Oh man, with the Tylenol in it and stuff.
Yeah, and it was my my new favorite thing.
And I had my Jack was a year old, maybe a year and a half
old. He was about to turn 2.
Joe was about, Joe was around 8:00 and.
Their dad was upset because I wouldn't give him money that he
(40:05):
had earned on a side job becauseI needed to pay bills and he was
drinking really heavily. And I knew that if I gave him
this money I wasn't going to seeit.
I wasn't going to be able to paybills.
So I kept it and I got my ass beat and my 8 year old jumped in
to stop him and he pushed him. He like had like a bruise and a
(40:26):
scrape on his arm. Of course he said sorry he
didn't mean to it was just like a reaction.
But CPS was called. How did they find?
Out school or something? I had I had confided in a friend
and she was like enough is enough.
I hated her because of it. I can look back and be grateful
(40:51):
now that CPS came in, it was a year it would they kept them
because they it was a failure toprotect.
They were afraid that I was going to go back to him and that
the boys were going to grow up in this cycle.
(41:12):
And so for a year, they were with his sister and it was hard.
I had to jump through all the hoops, even with my ego of I've
got a good job, I'm not the problem.
It's him. Yeah, it was, it was rough, but
I did it because when your back's against the wall and it's
(41:34):
either you do what we say or you're not getting your kids
like I, I just did it like that was the only thing that I needed
was, was my children back. And so I did.
It was a brutal year. I remember my sponsor at the
time, I was like, if I don't getmy kids back by Christmas, I'm
going to get loaded. Christmas came, still no kids,
(41:55):
but I didn't get loaded. You know, I was like, OK, this
is a brand new year. I don't get my kids back, I'm
going to get loaded. But I didn't, you know, and I
was able to put together some time.
I still had that prescription for opiates, but I was doing it
as prescribed. That's impressive.
Yeah, going from overusing back to spam.
(42:15):
Well, because I was desperate like you.
Yeah, it was you get your shit together and you get your kids
back or you keep doing what you're doing, you lose all
parental rights. It was, they were like, there's
no, you either do it and you getthe reward or you're you're
done. And so I, I mean, I had to.
Their dad gave up. He didn't even try.
(42:39):
He would go to a couple counseling sessions.
He would show up to a couple visits.
He gave up. And I knew, like, if I give up
on my children, that's what they're going to remember and
they're going to spend their lives growing up knowing that
both their parents just gave up on them.
And I could not let that happen.I mean, I for myself, obviously
(43:00):
I didn't want to lose my children, but I, I wouldn't be
able to live with myself knowingthat my children felt unwanted.
And that's one thing that I've always told them is, yes, me and
your dad didn't work out, but you are both conceived in love.
You are very much wanted and youare the perfect pieces of me and
(43:20):
your dad. We have a lot of whatever and we
don't work, but you have everything good about us within
you. And I try really hard to make
sure because I can only imagine.I see it with my 14 year old.
They haven't talked to their dadand over a year.
So my son's 14, my, my youngest son is 8 and it's been over a
(43:45):
year that they haven't talked tohim.
That is a boundary that I set. He needed to have six months
sober before I would even reintroduce them talking because
it's, I get a few days sober. I want to see them and talk to
them. And then he's out for a month,
you know? And that's not good for the
kids. No, because then they would
(44:05):
start acting out. And so I just cut off all and I
mean, I've talked to his sister.I'm very, very close with his
sister. She takes the kids for a weekend
once a month. They, I wanted them to grow up
knowing their dad's side of the family.
Like I, I didn't want them to, to not have that connection, you
(44:27):
know, and I've always told them when you get older, if you
choose to have that relationshipwith your dad, whatever you
want, Like I support that. But right now it's my job to
protect you. And so this is me setting this
boundary for you. And so it's been a year.
I haven't talked to their dad. They haven't seen him in two
years. And I know that it's really hard
(44:51):
on my 14 year old. He'll make little comments of,
yeah, well, if I only had a dad and he does like me where he's
like, I'm just joking. Like it's not, I don't think
about it that much. But I'm like, OK, OK.
So I got him into therapy. He has amazing men in his life.
(45:16):
The guy that I've been off and on scene since splitting with
their father, he's been there and been more present and shown
up more consistently for them from 2019 until now than their
dad ever has. I've got men in the program that
I've built like friendships withthat have children and like they
(45:42):
have Uncle Justin, you know, like Uncle Justin and we all, we
all go snowboarding together or we go on the river and go ride
dirt bikes. And so they do have a lot of men
that show up consistently, but it's hard to fill that void.
And like Joey said, he he just gave up.
Like I wasn't worth fighting forit.
(46:02):
I'm like, it's not that it's he's battling his own demons.
You know, it's not. And no, nobody, nothing in this.
World, you did what you did to make sure that you're there.
At least a lot of women didn't get through that.
They couldn't override. So you're Mama Bear.
And your strength even here, like, very, very strong.
(46:26):
I can't believe you're saying all this.
And so anyways, what was the point?
OK, so that ended and you weren't sober yet, right?
Like, where did the Vicodin go? Sorry.
That's where I derailed you. Yeah.
I was off and on. So I was like in the closet, you
know, like I would maybe one Friday or Saturday, like I might
(46:48):
do a little bit too much, but I pretty much kept it together for
a point for a time. And then like they say, that's
not enough. So my kids were back.
I had a good job. I was working at Kaiser.
And then it was like life started to happen again.
(47:11):
And I, so my, my biggest thing was I need to get my kids back.
So I got that, but I hadn't full, I mean, I've done 12 steps
before. I've had multiple sponsors, I've
gone through the steps, I've worked with other people, I've
done all that. So I guess this time it was kind
(47:32):
of like, I don't really need to do that.
My main priority is I need to get my kids back.
So I was going to meetings, I was doing all the stuff, but it
was for one that what that one purpose.
And so once that came back, likethat weight was lifted and I
could kind of relax, you know, and.
(47:53):
But then like slowing down on meetings and stuff.
Yeah, because I already I had everything I needed.
Accomplished. Yeah, yeah.
And so I had, like, this person in my life.
I had a good sponsor. I felt like I was in a good
place, right? But then life happens and I had
(48:13):
no tools. I didn't want to reach for my
toolbox. I was just like, it's a lot
easier for me to just reach for this prescription because I
still had this prescription and it was well, today was pretty
rough. I got some stressful news, so
I'm going to do a little bit more.
(48:33):
And then it was like nothing. I was back to snorting them and
hiding them. And then my doctor started like
the opiate kick, like the, the cutback was coming down.
So they were like, if you didn'thave a serious real medical
need, we're we're not going to give this to you.
(48:55):
So it was like I was that whole shift when it was, oh, you have
a headache. Here's 40 Vicodin, you know,
like, oh, you stubbed your toe. We're going to give you a six
month supply of Vicodin. You know, it was, it really was.
It was. And then all of a sudden, like,
if I didn't have a good enough excuse, you know, plus there was
(49:16):
like a part of me that's like, OK, let's go to Tylenol 3
because fuck that, you know? Get out of here with.
Your, But it was like, I, you know, there were parts of me
that was trying to get sober, but there was parts of me that
was like, can I really get rid of this crutch?
You know, like, can I really face life on life's terms?
Because you're, you're just not strong enough, you know, like,
(49:42):
yeah, you're strong enough. You got your children back.
But if you weren't dumb, you would, it wouldn't have happened
in the 1st place. So I hadn't dealt with any of
that trauma. I went to the the therapist that
they that CPS provided and I just looked at her like, you
don't know shit. You're only here because this
organization wants you to tell, like to evaluate me.
(50:04):
I didn't feel that connection. It was more my ego, like I'm
going to say whatever I need to say to impress you so that I get
my children back, you know, And so I didn't do any work on
myself again, you know, I did. I did all the the steps and I
did all the things. And I looked great on the
outside, but on the inside, I was, I still had so much trauma
(50:29):
from that first abuse, from the next abuse, you know, losing my
grandfather, just all these things that I just we're going
to put it in this closet and we're never going to open the
door. We're never going to look.
Yeah. And so it's like all this stuff
that had happened in the 15 years of my using it would like
(50:50):
come out in little spurts, you know, And the last thing I
remember is I had, I was claiming to have 18 months and
the person in my life said, I know that you're lying.
So either you can tell me the truth, or we can just stop
(51:10):
talking because I know that you're lying and.
You were snorting the Vicodin atthis time?
Is that what it was? And I mean, I had gotten into
debt because I was buying it from somebody because I wasn't
getting the prescriptions like Iused to.
And I had to get honest. So I had to tell my sponsor.
(51:31):
I had to go to meetings and. Raise your hand.
Yeah. And say, by the way, like, not
only do I have two days, but I've been lying to you for 18
months. And I've been saying that I'm
I'm someone that I'm not. And, and I wish that that would
have been my bottom, you know, but it's like I always found the
(51:55):
trap door or I always decided, OK, well, that didn't work, but
let me try one more, one more thing before I fully concede.
And the craziest thing is, is I had had five years and I knew, I
knew what could happen. What was the the pink cloud that
this, the gifts of sobriety? I had that.
(52:16):
But it was like coming back. My ego is so broken because here
I was a newcomer and there are people with 10 years.
And just a few months ago I had,you know, this amount of time.
And my ego was so big and it kept me out for so long because
I was just like, I'm better thanyou.
Yeah, I failed, but I've done this and I, I know what it's
(52:41):
like. So I'm going to do it on my own
and I'm going to do it 10 times better without doing a program
because, because I've got this, you know, and it took me a
really long time to make it back.
I called a friend who worked at Kaiser in the addiction medicine
(53:02):
and I said I'm about to kick cocaine and pills and I don't
want to do this alone. Can you please help me get into
rehab? And that was January 13th of
2023 and I haven't and I haven'tused since then.
Like sober sober. Yeah, I mean, I haven't drank
since 2019, but that's awesome. Yeah, first of all, I know it's
(53:25):
not your sobriety, Dave, but that's a big.
Accomplishment. It is that gets overlooked in
some 12 step programs. That's a big.
Deal. Yeah.
So, and I, I, I think about thatbecause I'm like, God, it's been
a long time. Oh no.
It's just no, no, no, no, like I'll think about it and I'm
like, God, it's been a really long time, but I, I have to
(53:47):
remember that I don't even look at it as a substance, like a
recovery from substance anymore.It's I've recovered from, from
the demons within me. You know what I mean?
Like I've healed that broken child that was in me that I just
wanted to be loved, dude, you know, looking back, like I just
wanted somebody to love me because I couldn't love myself.
(54:10):
So I just wanted somebody to love me and validate me and tell
me that I was worth it, you know, And if I didn't get that,
then I would get drunk or high and I would do whatever because
I, I had so much pain, you know,and I, I don't know, I did a lot
of work. I ever when I was in the in
(54:31):
outpatient, they're like, Oh, wehave this trauma class coming up
and I'm like, sign me up. Every trauma class, every like
extracurricular thing. I was like, put me in there like
I really wanted to heal. And then it's like, I, I'd
always known that this, the substances were just a symptom,
But it wasn't until like that last time that I was like, if I
(54:53):
don't heal myself, like I'm never going to, I'm never going
to attract the right him, which was like a big looking back.
I'm like, hey, that probably wasn't the best motivation, but
I'm never going to track the right him.
I'm never going to be like be a good mother.
I'm always going to find something to, to get me through
(55:15):
like as a coping mechanism. So it's like I just wanted to
heal myself so that I could feelnormal so that I could have hope
or serenity or peace, you know, so that I could they based life
on life's terms. And it was brutal.
(55:35):
The first year was gut wrenching.
It was facing a lot of shit thatI had ran from for the longest
time. And still there's things that
come up like the Didi trials going on.
I can't, I can't read about it because like, I guess I did read
(56:00):
a little bit and there was an instance where Diddy came down
and was like, where's my food? Where's my breakfast?
And he like beat her up because it wasn't ready.
And it I'll just flashback and I'm like, you know, like I'll
see like I watch that movie. It it ends with us.
(56:22):
Haven't seen it. And it's like this domestic
violence, you know, and the whole time you're watching it,
you're like, oh, you know, it's like, like it, it doesn't show
the full. I don't want to give it up or.
Like ruin it. For you, Yeah.
But you watch that movie becausethe way that it unfolds, like
(56:45):
you're like, Oh, well, it's he'snot really abusive.
And then the way it unfolds, you're like, oh, wow.
And that is exactly what it's like being in the relationship
like that because you're like, you see it, but you're like,
well, maybe it didn't really happen the way that it happened.
And maybe I, you know, I could have done something a little
different. So you keep going along with it,
(57:06):
but then you stop and you look back and you're like, Oh my God,
like I'm in an abusive relationship, you know?
And so little things I find thattrigger me, but I have amazing
women in my life that show up. I go on women's retreats,
women's camp outs. I'm a huge advocate for If
(57:28):
you're not in a relationship, don't get into one.
Because the first year you have no idea who the fuck you are
because you come in just broken,broken.
You have nothing to offer yourself.
So you sure as hell don't have anything to offer anyone else.
Like your one job is to sit there and take it all in because
(57:50):
who you are right now needs work.
And I wish that I would have listened more.
You know, I wish that I would have done that.
And I did. I did like I did the trauma
work, I did the therapy. But I'm like, God, if I would
have done this so much sooner, Can you imagine like where I'd
be now? And that's that I hold myself to
(58:12):
unrealistic expectations. Like I just need to be grateful
for today and how far I've come,you know, and remember that
everything that's happened has led me to this point.
And where I'm at today is prettygood.
I do, I love it. That's awesome.
I work in the ER So beautiful. I have a decent relationship
with my kids, you know. Sober.
(58:35):
Yes. Helping women.
But it's not just being sober. It's just like being in this
peace and serenity, like lookingin the mirror and being like,
you're a badass bitch, you know,like, and just joking around.
Like, I fucking love myself today, man.
Like, that's huge, huge, you know?
(58:56):
And I like, I feel like I have something to offer, you know?
Feel like you do too. Yeah, like, and it's just like
this joy like I do, I go into a recovery home that's a women's
recovery home and I bring them meetings and I see that some of
them are, are just going throughthe motion, but some of them
(59:19):
like the lights turning on. I have a someone that I'm
working with and I see the lightturning on and it's like just
fills my heart, right. Or when I'm doing stuff with my
kids, like my 8, my 8 year old was in the spelling bee.
And to see him get that excitement and like to help him
study with stuff like just me being of service to anyone
(59:40):
outside of myself and having them like have that, that
excitement and that happiness, it feels really good.
And I didn't realize how important being of service to
others is. My first sponsor, Lauren, she
never made it back into the rooms.
She passed away last year. But she had me call 3 women
(01:00:07):
every day. I couldn't text.
I had to call 3 women every day for 30 days.
And it took me 6 months to get those 30 days.
But that little tool helped me in a lot of ways because I was
in the habit of picking up the phone and reaching out to women
and finding how I could be of service to them, how there was
day was going, and then I could make it about me.
(01:00:30):
Then I could explain what I'm going through, you know?
So then it became second nature to call no matter how you're
feeling. So when something.
Picking up that phone. You know what kind of blows me?
I guarantee there's women right now list that listen to your
whole story that are in your relationship and they're
justifying it and they don't think they're in it or they
think they deserve it. What can you?
(01:00:50):
What do you say to them? Don't believe the lies.
It's it's hard because when you're in that state, you want
so badly to think that you can fix it, to think that you can
(01:01:12):
make it work. And you truly believe that you
are broken and you feel this connection.
You feel this, this value from that person in the good times.
And so you really think that youthat you can do it.
(01:01:36):
And it's nothing that somebody can tell you.
You have to know I can't do thisanymore.
All I can do is be of service and I will like I tell women, if
(01:01:57):
you call me, I will. I will come pick you up.
I will talk to you. But it's just don't believe the
lies. You know how much you can really
do, huh You? Can't, because if you try to
force them or you try to help them and it's too soon, they'll
go back just like I did. That's so brutal, so you just
(01:02:21):
sit back and hope they survive it.
Yeah, And I mean, I just, I share my my story, I share my
truth. And I hope that something
they're like, OK, but there was like somebody that I worked with
and she's like, I think I'm going to leave, but but not this
weekend. And my sponsors like don't she's
(01:02:41):
not ready because she's like shewas in a similar situation when
I made that decision. There was nothing that could
stop me. And when I made my decision,
there was nothing that could stop me.
I was done. You know, of course I went and I
found a new one. But like I, I knew that I was
going to die if I kept going back, that this was all.
(01:03:06):
And I remember there was a time that I was praying to God.
I was like, if this is all I meant for, please just let me
go. Just let me go now, let me die
in my sleep, whatever it is. But if I meant for something
more than help me find a solution because I can't go on
(01:03:28):
like this anymore. And I thank God he knew that I
had to fall, that I had to learn.
But fuck, I truly love who I am today, I really do.
And I have like my always improving apparel and I have all
my designs like this is we call it the skull flower.
(01:03:50):
But it says I may fall but I will never give up and.
Then that's it. So you have What's the name of
your apparel company? Always improving apparel, OK.
And Instagram, yeah, we're on Instagram and Facebook and we do
a lot of events. I started as the designer
because the IT was two guys thatstarted it.
(01:04:11):
The guy that I've been like off and on scene since whatever, but
they started it and I was like, yeah, your female designs not so
good. So let me come in and help you
out with that. Yeah, I'm like, you can't have
two guys doing women's designs because it's just not, doesn't
(01:04:31):
work. So it started as I came in and
did the female designs and it started to take off.
Well, then my recovery started to take off and I was like
getting more into it. And now I'm like, you know,
business partner, like I get to make big girl decisions.
You know, I do all the social media, I book events, I'm, I
(01:04:55):
talk about it. I, this is like all I wear, all
my clothing is always improving.So like, even when I'm at work,
like I'll have like a ER tech shirt on, but it'll have my logo
on the back, right? So, and I'm known for people
coming to the ER like I'm known for having my, my mid calf
socks. We've got socks with these
(01:05:16):
really cool designs. And so patients are like, Oh my
God, I love your socks. And I'm like, thank you so much.
It's my, you know, it's my claimto fame.
Everybody knows me like I'm the tech with the cool socks, but
it's, it's like really put a little momentum in it because
it's like I get to wear my journey and I get to share it
(01:05:37):
with other women who are either cancer survivors or domestic
violence survivors or just like in recovery, like they'll wear
this and they'll tell me when they're buying it.
They'll tell me, Oh my God. So I went through this and This
is why I love this shirt. And so to feel that bond and
that connection, it's just another outlet for me to carry
(01:06:01):
my story and to share it with the world.
And it's my favorite. I actually brought you a shirt
of your own. You did.
I did. Well, yes, because I watch, I
watch like Joe Rogan and PatrickBette David.
And so it's always like this thing that you have to bring
your host a gift. All right.
And so that's my the company. And I remember you were talking
(01:06:25):
about Kai Zen and how it's like little steps every day.
And so, yes, there is pain, but that pain equals change.
And it's. Yeah.
And it's. Yes.
So wear it with pride. Wear your story.
Wear your journey. That's you know, where I'm at.
(01:06:46):
My kids get all the slogans. My 14 year old is notorious for
being like mom do you need a meeting like I'll watch Jack?
Why don't you go hit up a meeting or have you talked to
your sponsor today? Who's who's Derek?
We're in the room with Derek. Is this business partner?
Business partner, OK Business. Partner.
(01:07:07):
Yeah. Cool man.
A great relationship. Yeah, you guys are in a
relationship. Yeah, it's.
Hell yeah. Yeah.
I just put you guys on the spot.I didn't mean to do that, no.
It's been rough. I mean, for 18 months I lied to
him and said I'm sober, but I was chopping up lines in his
(01:07:27):
bathroom, you know? You knew intuitively, huh?
Like before? Yeah, I had.
A little help, but yeah. And I told him I was like, I
think there was a part of me that wanted to get caught, like,
I really do because I would, like, sneak in the bathroom and
chop up lines. And I'm like, oh, my stomach's
hurting. You know, there was a part of me
(01:07:51):
that wanted to get caught, that wanted to be done.
But I wasn't going to come cleanon my own, you know, like, if
you got it out of me, OK. But there was still that.
Well, if I can just quit, then I'll keep all this time that
I've built up and and I'll fix it all on my own, you know?
And then I won't tell anyone. Right, right.
(01:08:12):
So then I'll have double the time and then but it'll, you
know, it'll only be like half ofthat of real.
But it it was just those lies and that twisted thinking.
It, it, it messes with you, you know, and I am one to believe
the lies, you know, I'm like, I can think.
(01:08:34):
I I truly believe. I can convince yourself.
Yeah. Wow, man, I thank you for
sharing this. That's very brave.
And your ability to share it with the strength, I mean, I'm
barely hanging on here, so I just respect you.
I thank you and I appreciate thedetails because I don't think
(01:08:54):
people understand that there's women living with that kind of
horrific abuse like broken ribs and severed pancreases and
stuff. I think at least for me, like I
thought, oh, they get hit or something, but beaten almost to
death is just thank you for sharing that because that's
going to give a lot of women relief that have never told
anyone or they're going through it now and they think they're
(01:09:15):
alone. Yeah.
Appreciate you. I.
You love yourself. I love hearing that.
That's so cool. You really?
Do it took me a really long timeto get to that point, you know,
because it's like all the guilt of well, I did illegal things.
You know, I have a past, I've been to jail.
(01:09:37):
I'm a piece of shit. I'm a drug addict, you know, and
it didn't matter that I had a decent job or that I, you know,
all I could see was every bad mistake that I've ever done.
And you know, to those women, like even if it's not physical,
even if you're just in a relationship, but he manipulates
(01:09:58):
or he love bombs or he gaslightsyou, like those are all just
little things leading up to it. No, And it's those type of men
that prey on those weak and insecure women.
Like to me, they're on the same level as pedophiles.
(01:10:18):
Like they should just go away. Your own island right?
Just buy you cannot be in society.
No, because it's like you prey on those women and their biggest
insecurities. But I remember a person telling
me when I first got into the rooms, he's like, if you get
(01:10:40):
this, if you truly get sobriety and you do the steps, like
you're going to help so many women because your message is so
powerful. And so that's like my mission.
That's I think that's why I workin healthcare.
Like I really want to make a difference.
I really want to help people. That's why I do like my
clothing. It kind of opens the doors for
(01:11:02):
me to talk to women. I'm very open on my social media
talking about my abuse, talking about my recovery, because I
want, I want somebody to see it and to reach out and say, Hey, I
think there's, I think I have a problem.
I want to help them get help or to get help.
I don't want them to go through.If I can help them avoid some of
(01:11:25):
the things that I went through, then then I'm done my job.
And so that's why I was like, I would love to come on your
podcast. I would love to, to share it
because it's, it's not even an ego thing.
It's just I want, I want to helpthat little girl that's out
there. You know that.
Yeah, that just wants to get outand to get free.
(01:11:48):
Thank you. There's a lot of resources.
Feels very correct that this came out today yeah, I'm I'm
down to post about your company too and I think the whole thing
is great and. I love it.
Thank you. No, thank you.
I was married to a very abusive narcissistic person.
At first it was really good. He was like my Prince Charming.
I was the most beautiful person in the world.
I was the most important person in the world.
Like he would love bomb and makeme feel like I was so important.
But that's the thing about narcissism.
Little things started to happen.Like I would get drunk and I
(00:21):
would say something and I would get beat up.
Like I broke my ribs like 12 times.
But I was convinced that it was my fault.
I remember people were like, howcan you be in that?
And I'm like, it's not like I woke up one day and I'm like,
I'm going to go and I'm going tolove somebody that beats the
shit out of me. I knew what could happen.
What was the gifts of sobriety? I had that and my ego was so big
(00:44):
and it kept me out for so long. It took me a really long time to
make it back. But it's not just being sober.
It's just like being in this peace and serenity, like looking
in the mirror and being like, I love myself today, man.
Like that's huge, huge. I feel like I have something to
offer. I go into a, a recovery home
(01:07):
that's a women's recovery home. Some of them like the lights
turning on and it's like just fills my heart.
I, I guarantee there's women right now that listen to your
whole story that are in your relationship and they're
justifying it and they don't think they're in it or they
think they deserve it. What do you say to them?
(01:28):
It took me a long time to understand that this is actually
whoever watches this is irrelevant.
Like it doesn't matter how many countries it's in and how many
streams it's getting. What's really going on is you
and I sitting here like that's what this is.
And after a year, I realized that and I took so much pressure
off. You're not trying to say certain
things or like use SEO words or anything like that.
(01:50):
It's just two humans connecting,right?
Yeah, I almost called it any 2 humans.
Oh, I kind of like that. No, I like vibe.
I like. Humanity.
Yeah. I'm like.
Good. It's hard not to.
Not too well like. That one.
Yeah, it's really cool. So where are you from
originally? I am Eldorado County, OK Yep, I
grew up. I was born in Placerville at
(02:10):
Marshall Hospital, so I lived there most of my life.
Grew up Pollock Pines and then we moved to Georgetown to be
closer to my my dad's mom and mymom's parents and yeah.
What's it like growing up in Pollock Pines and the trees and
the snow and the elements and small town?
It's a good until it's not. I was the oldest, so I had to
(02:35):
shovel the snow. I had to help out more.
You know, there was a certain level of responsibility expected
of me. So it was.
I hated it growing up. I hated that I had to do chores.
I hated that. Like certain responsibilities
fell to me. Feels like all of them, right?
When you're the only like the oldest children.
(02:57):
We really do. We have to navigate life with no
help. We're just out there
experimenting. So the younger siblings feel
super safe. I got my older sibling and we're
just out there like we're the game.
Yeah, we kind of are. And a lot.
It's like a natural role gets taken on in the family of almost
a second parent. You know they're expected to
show up for Crisis and it's weird being an older sibling.
(03:20):
It is, it's I hated it growing up.
Now I look back and I'm like, itwasn't that bad.
Like, I can see what my parents were trying to teach me, you
know, And I can see now that I'ma parent, like, oh, OK.
And as much as I, I hate it, I thought my parents were like out
to get me or make my life so much harder and more difficult.
(03:41):
I'm like, God, they really gave me grace.
You know, now that I'm a parent,I have to remind myself, OK,
this isn't the end of the world.Like I have to pick my battles.
I'm raising. I have a 14 year old right now.
Wow. And that is very trying.
I can imagine, you know. Boy or girl?
Boy, I'm two boys. But being in recovery, I have
(04:05):
that fear, right, that he's going to make the same mistakes
that I did. So it seems like every bad
decision he makes in my idea or my eyes, it's, it's huge.
It's like, Oh my gosh, he's one step away from fentanyl or he's,
you know, one step away from a DUI.
And I have to really pump my brakes because I've got so much
(04:27):
knowledge and experience and it's like I want to keep him in
this double. Yeah.
You know, and I, I can't becauseit's, it's difficult.
Yeah. How old were you when you
started seeing signs of that sort of life coming?
You know, I was younger when I would experiment and I would try
(04:47):
it, trying to be cool. Like weed?
Yeah, not in drinking or smokingcigarettes.
I think I started smoking cigarettes in 8th grade, but I
don't think I showed signs of being like a real alcoholic
until after high school, You know, because living at home, I
had that curfew. I couldn't get away with too
(05:08):
much. Like I could go and I could
party. And that was my dad's thing is,
even if I was hungover, of course he didn't like it.
But I had to show up every Sunday morning, go to church
with my parents. I was raised LDS and so I would
are. You still LDS?
(05:29):
I don't go to church. I don't necessarily associate
myself with any like religion per SE.
I find myself to be more spiritual.
I do a lot of prayer and meditation.
Plus with my work schedule, I work nights and so Sundays are
my day off. I get off at like 7:00 in the
(05:49):
morning and I want to go home and I want to go to sleep.
I don't want to get dressed and go to church.
So it's like a little combination of things.
But my children, they go to church with my parents or they
go to church with my grandmother.
I'm letting them like find wherethey fit in.
But I wouldn't say that I necessarily.
(06:10):
I believe a lot of the things I grew up learning, but I don't
necessarily have like a title I guess.
That makes sense. Yeah, I totally derailed you.
I'm sorry. So you had to show up to church
hungover or whatever he wanted. Well, in high school they called
me like the naughty Mormon because I was notorious for
doing keg stands this Saturday night.
(06:31):
That qualifies. You know, doing crazy stuff
Saturday night. But I always went to church
Sunday morning, hungover or not,I showed up.
And I'm sure that my dad got a lot of Flack for that, but he
was like, he would say, like, atleast she's here.
Like, yeah, she's, I'm not making the choices that I
approve of, but she's here. She's going to get it at some
(06:55):
point. And, you know, my dad let me
fall and I have to remember that.
But it's funny because now that he's a Papa, he's almost harder
on my son than I am. Like, I'm a little bit more calm
down. Thank God for my sponsor and
women in the program that are also mothers.
(07:16):
I can kind of step back and respond rather than react.
Or my dad is more explosive, youknow, he gets real angry real
quick. And that fear, just because
addiction does run so heavily and prevalent in my family, you
know? Does he have that?
He does. I remember growing up, he was a
(07:39):
musician, so he was on the road.He was in a band called Moon Dog
Maine, and they're like, big thing was Frank Cannon was the
guitarist. He was in Tesla.
So I grew up just calling him Uncle Frank.
You know, that's just Uncle Frank, whatever.
But he was on the road a lot andI never saw him drinking or
(08:02):
using. I never saw that side of him.
Later on I found out that he waslike doing meth and you know,
drinking. He kept it very private and he
was able to function for a really long time.
But I think as I got older and my addiction came to light, like
(08:22):
he started to get it was more noticeable that he was self
medicating because I could see it going through it myself.
And I was like, huh? What were you using when it what
got you? I was more of an upper OK.
When I found out that my dad didmeth, I like took that vow that
(08:44):
I will never do meth. Like I'm going to be high class
so I'm going to stick to cocaineand ecstasy and drinking.
Like I'm not going to be a bottom dweller because I thought
I had this ego. Like I was so much better than
and my dad's. Like stuff here, the designer
drugs. Right.
And my dad's like Krista, you'rejust paying like triple and your
(09:06):
high last like this. I'm going to be, yeah, I'm going
to be up for three days really getting shit done.
You're going to be like done. He's like, so you stick to that.
I'm good. We can joke about it now, but
yeah, it was. Is he on the recovery Rd. as
well? He is he last I checked in with
(09:28):
him, he was a little over 2 years.
So he's like maybe a year ahead of me.
I got originally sober in 2010. I was three months pregnant with
my oldest son Joey. When I or no, I'm sorry, I was,
I got pregnant and I was three months sober with my oldest son,
(09:49):
Joey. And for the first five years of
his life, he never saw me drink or use like I was in recovery
and I was doing really well. It wasn't until my grandfather
got sick with Lou Gehrig's disease that that that hit me
and I isolated. I did the exact opposite of what
(10:10):
you're supposed to do. I didn't reach out to anyone.
I took on that, that hurt and that pain, you know, and I made
it about me. It was no longer about my
grandfather's legacy and the time that I had with him.
It was about anger towards God. Like why did you take him?
He had retired. He had been retired for like 8
(10:32):
months. He wanted to do so much.
He'd worked his whole life and he finally retired.
And oh, by the way, you're not going to be able to walk, You're
not going to be able to, to use your arms.
You're slowly going to lose every function in your body, and
that's how you're going to die and with.
Lou Gehrig Is their brain still cognizant?
(10:53):
Like are they still? Up until the end, but it's like.
So they're just in a prison of adecaying.
Of their body horrible, they lose the function to breathe on
their own. Like all the nerves, all the
function that we take for granted, it slowly just goes
away. So he like he was getting pains
(11:13):
in his legs and the muscle deteriorated.
And so it started like he couldn't walk.
And there were pictures of him where he'd have a belt that he
wrapped around his legs to hold them tight or closed because
when he'd be sitting in his wheelchair, they would just like
he couldn't, he had no no weight, like no strength.
(11:34):
And this is the man that would build custom cars, restore
custom cars. He would see like a bike rack or
things, images that he wanted and he would just go home and
fabricate that in his shop. He had this huge mechanic shop,
you know, like he was very much with his hands.
(11:55):
He taught me how to drive a manual stick shift, you know,
like he was just this builder. He built his entire house, him
and my grandmother. I mean, he was just like a man's
man. And so growing up, like he was
who I wanted in my life, you know, like, I wanted a man that
(12:15):
had traits like that. And we were really close.
And it, it just broke my heart. And a few months after he passed
away, I was like, OK, I think I can be normal, you know?
I think I deserve this. Oh, like you could drink or use
again. Yeah, and were.
You in a 12 step program at thattime.
(12:36):
I was like, I had a sponsor, butI wasn't really talking to her.
I was married to a very abusive,narcissistic person.
So like if I went to a meeting or if I went to see my sponsor,
it was OK. It is 12:00.
I'm going to give you an hour and you better be home within 20
(12:58):
minutes after that hour. Otherwise you are sleeping with
someone else. You're doing something wrong.
Like you need to go there and come back within a certain time
frame or he would like call me multiple times and be like you
rather you better be dead or youlike better have a good excuse
because I better not find out that you're cheating on me.
(13:20):
Stressful and you're trying to stay sober and just which is
stressful in itself, right? And so when he would want you
home, it was serve him in some way, right?
Like as you go or something. Or that's what narcissism does.
Yeah, And he was so insecure. It didn't matter how in love
with them I was or what I did, right.
I remember I was cutting tomatoes for a salad, and I
(13:42):
didn't use the right knife. And he just backhanded me.
And he's like, you're such an idiot.
Like you do. Yeah.
And he's like, like, you're so dumb.
You know that you're supposed tocut it.
Like you're making a bigger mess.
You're trying to make, like, crappy food for me.
And you're supposed to be make, you know, you're supposed to
serve me. And I'm like, I had no idea that
you had to use a special serrated knife to cut tomatoes.
(14:04):
I didn't eat it. Yeah, Like, I just came home
after smacked. And I'm like, I just came home
after work, you know? And I'm sorry.
I've got children. I've got things on my mind.
I didn't. You don't think about little
things like that. But it to him that was a big
deal. So there was, if that was there
with the knife, there was probably 100 other things like
(14:25):
that that you're trying to manage at all times and probably
never could. So you're always in trouble.
Is that what that was like? Always, always.
How long were you married to him?
We split in 2019, we got marriedin 2009, so it was right around
10 years. Thank God you didn't have to do
COVID with him. You imagine.
That oh God, it was at first it was really good.
(14:48):
He was like my Prince Charming. But that's the thing about
narcissism. And what's crazy is before him,
I had dated an abusive person who like the same thing.
When he came in, it was all about me.
I was the most beautiful person in the world.
I was the most important person in the world.
(15:09):
Like he would love bomb and makeme feel like I was so important,
right? And then little things started
to happen. Like I would get drunk and I
would say something and I would get beat up.
And when I say beat up, like I broke my ribs like 12 times.
I would have black eyes. I would have bruises all over my
(15:29):
body all the time. But I was convinced that it was
my fault. Damn it.
Yeah, like if I talked better, if I treated him better, if I,
you know, if I anything, it was it was always me.
I was the problem. It had nothing to do with him.
He wouldn't have to hit me if I would just act right.
If I could just do, if I could just be that person, like the
(15:53):
perfect person, like he wouldn'thave to do that, you know.
And he he would, it was he wouldtell me like Krista, I don't
want to have to hit you. I don't want to have to do this.
But but you leave me no choice, you know.
And then afterwards it was like the, the praise and the love,
like I'll never hit you again. And you know that you're so
(16:13):
special to me and I love you so much.
And I remember people were like,how can you be in that?
And I'm like, it's not like I woke up one day and I'm like,
I'm going to go and I'm going tolove somebody that beats the
shit out of me. Not like that happened on the
first date. Right.
It just slowly takes over and you look back and and I remember
(16:35):
that first day that I looked in the mirror and I didn't have
bruises all over my body and I was like, oh, so this is must,
this must be what it's like to be normal because I was covered
in bruises for what seems like 2years straight.
You know, my dad would have to pick me up in the ER and I would
have busted ribs or a broken collarbone, 2 black eyes.
(16:59):
And I can imagine as a parent, especially my dad because I'm
daddy's little girl, how how hard that must have been for him
to see me like that. And when he would tell me you
can't, you can't go back, you need to leave.
And I would sneak out and go back and I would be gone for a
(17:21):
month at a time. They wouldn't hear from me.
They wouldn't know if I was deador alive.
Were you using with this guy? Oh yeah, OK.
What were the first signs that like if you could look back and
be like, oh, I'm I ignored that red flag or I missed that red
flag, like you drop a fork on a date and overreaction there.
What's the first one you remember that maybe other women
(17:44):
can look out for? I think for me it was just that
subtle. I remember we were at a party
and he pulled me outside and he was like, you're talking to
other men. You're trying to make me
jealous. And I remember he grabbed me by
my arms and he held me up against the wall.
(18:05):
And then he let me go and he, like, just choked me.
And he's like, if you think thatyou're going to make me jealous,
you need to think again, like you're nothing, right?
And I'm like what the hell? So it went from love bombs to
that. Right.
But then the next day he was like, I'm so sorry.
I was drinking. I was, you know, a little bit
(18:26):
more. I was just a little off.
He's like, you know, that I obviously care about you.
You know, I'm getting jealous and I'm sorry.
I've never felt like this with somebody else.
Like, like you just bring this out of me.
Like I'm so afraid to lose you. Like I really think that I could
be falling in love with you. So I'm 19 and I'm like, Oh my
gosh, you know, like this guy, he's so passionate, right?
(18:51):
And that's the other thing, likethat passion, that fire, like
that connection sexually. So you're like, oh, it's OK that
it spills over because we're, we're just so passionate, you
know, Makes sense that. It would.
Oh wow, you know, and it just, it was little subtle things that
I would just start making excuses for and I just started
(19:14):
to accept because. What was the first time?
Do you remember the first time that he actually hit you?
There was a lot of drinking and drugging, but one that sticks
out big time was we had gone to Reno to kind of rekindle because
(19:34):
I at this point was was like leaving and coming back and we
went to Reno and something had happened.
We had gotten split up when we were at the club and we went
back to the room and I just remember him hitting me and my
head banging against the mirror.Like like I, I was sitting on
(19:57):
the sink and he was banging my head against the mirror.
I must have passed out. I must have blacked out because
then I woke up on the floor and he was kicking me and I was
backed up against the toilet. And I remember him kicking me in
my ribs and his friend actually came and grabbed him and he's
like, if you don't stop, she's going to die.
(20:18):
You need to stop and. And I think that was the biggest
one that that scared me. I wish it would have been the
last one, but unfortunately I think I stayed with him another
nine months and I, I don't know,maybe I what?
No, no. I'm like, because I would leave,
(20:39):
you know, to be like, oh, you domiss me.
You do want me back. And then I would go back and
it's, it's almost, I don't know.There was just a really bad
situation, the drinking and the drugging and the.
Mental manipulation. Yeah, so I like tried to play
mental manipulation games with him, play it back, you know, and
(20:59):
it just blew up in my face because he's like, yeah, you're
not going to have that over me like I am.
I am your your master. You, you know, there's almost
like that obedience, like he's, he's it.
How old was he? He, I was, when I met with him,
I was 19, he was 22. OK.
(21:20):
So when I, when I left, I was 21.
He was like 2425. How did you finally get out?
It wasn't like, how did that end?
My 21st birthday, I wanted him to go out with me and spend the
night on the town. So we were in like an open
(21:41):
relationship. OK, you know, and that's a great
thing to do when you have two people who get jealous and one
that's like, really abusive. Yeah, Let's go and mix some
drugs in. Yeah.
Yeah. So I wanted him to go out with
me on my birthday, and he did for a little while, but then he
went back home with this girl. And so I came home in a rage
(22:06):
because he had said some excuse,like I have a headache or
whatever. I came home and I found them in
bed. And I remember grabbing my heels
and my stuff and chucking it at him.
So he gets up and he picks me upand he throws me through the
bedroom wall. I go through the wall, through
the hallway, into the bathroom. And his mom had come out for my
(22:28):
birthday, right? And she goes, if you don't
leave, my son is going to kill you.
Like you need to leave this relationship.
I know you love him. I know he cares about you, but
if you don't leave, he's going to to you and I don't want to
visit my son in prison, so you know so.
That was her line. Not like take care of yourself,
(22:50):
but. Right.
Just kind. Of like where the narcissism
came. From right.
So it was kind of, it was more so like, you need to leave
because I don't want to have to deal with like, I don't want my
son to go to prison. And I'm sure she didn't want me
to die, you know? But at the same time, like her
son was her main priority. Yeah, so I got a bus ticket
because I was drinking. I didn't, I couldn't find my
license. So I had a bus ticket and I took
(23:12):
a Greyhound and he gave me like like a small bag full of
ecstasy. He let me do a few bumps before
I left. And he gave me like a bottle of
E&J Brandy. And he was like, nice knowing
you. And of course he called me and
he's like, come back. You know, I, it was in Vegas.
I hit LA and he's like, come back.
(23:33):
We can make this work. And I was talking to my dad and
he's like, Krista, if you go back, I'm you're not coming back
home. Like this is too much.
This has been going on for too long.
I can't do this anymore. You either come home and you're
done. I just can't imagine being him
because you can't do anything. He can't literally stop you.
So he has to just be like a pillar of strength for you to
(23:53):
come to anytime he needs you. And he's sitting there like I
hope she makes it back to me. Right, well, and of course,
like, how did he deal with it? He was doing methamphetamines.
So him and my mom, like, had hadto split because CPS was
involved. So my mom had my two brothers
and my dad was in and out of rehab trying to get his stuff
(24:16):
together. And I can only imagine a lot of
it had to do with the fact of what I was going through and
what I was going, you know, doing.
You have that guilt. As well.
Yeah, yeah. So that's a.
Lot of burden at 21. Yeah, talk about picking up a
lot of trauma. And I like looking back, I'm
like, no wonder I ran for as long as I did and I numbed out
(24:38):
because I didn't want to deal with the reality.
I didn't want to deal with like the consequences, me going to
jail or me getting hit. You know, that was, I was used
to it, but thinking about what it was doing to my parents or
thinking about what it was doingto other people who cared about
me, like my grandmother, you know, my grandfather was still
(24:59):
alive at this time. Like thinking about the family,
you know, that saw me, that I had hope like I had, you know, I
could have had a beautiful future.
And I'm, I chose to run and do this, you know, and I just, I'd
given up on life. I, I couldn't base life on
(25:21):
life's terms and I ran. I had like I no thanks, not
today. I it was easier for me to just
numb myself. So ran, as in, like a big drug
runner. Oh, yeah, like I just stayed
high from the age of 19 until I wanted until 23 years old, 22, I
(25:46):
had broken my ribs 12, like 1213times.
And each time that these ribs broke, they severed my pancreas
just a little bit. Jesus.
Yeah. So from kicks then or something
like? Kicks and punches like it
severed my pancreas so it my pancreas was split in half so
(26:07):
one part was trying to work and the other part was just
consuming itself. Oh wow.
And so I had pancreatitis and I remember the doctors would send
people from like the program andthey're like, do you think you
have a problem? And I'm like, if you were
talking to my dad, because I'm, I'm not an alcoholic, like I
(26:31):
drink 1/5 of day. Wait.
So they were coming in and 12 stepping you in the hospital
like the good old days, like in the book.
I didn't know that still happened.
Well, because I remember. Crazy.
Yeah, that's awesome. Well, the doctor, he's like,
there's no way that this happened from a, from a man
hating you. He's like, the only time we've
seen this kind of trauma is whena person's in a car and the
(26:53):
front crushes them. He's like, I just, I don't
believe you. And I'm like, I've never been in
a car accident. And like, I know I was there.
And he goes, no, it's, it's, it's because of your drinking,
which I, I give him that it didn't, it didn't help, you
know, but the initial trauma wasthe fact that it was, you know,
(27:17):
breaking my ribs all those times.
I am and now you're alone with it.
You're not going to be believed.That's.
Effed up. Oh, my surgeon, when my surgeon
got in there, he was like, Oh yeah, there was a lot of scar
tissue. So I had to have surgery.
I have this huge L on my chest. They cut me.
I was in at Marshall Hospital and I was one of the first cases
(27:41):
that this surgeon had had. And so we had another surgeon
assisting him. And I was in surgery for, I want
to say like 12 hours, 1012 hours.
And they got in there. They had tried to do a stent,
but the stent wasn't holding. Like they were trying to connect
it back together to see if it would regrow itself, but it
(28:01):
wasn't. So they went in there and they
removed the part of the pancreasthat was consuming itself, But
my spleen was covered in pseudocyst from the trauma.
So they had to take that out. And they went in there and he
could see like the where it was fractured multiple times.
And he was like, yeah, you know,unfortunately, like, I believe
(28:23):
you. Yeah.
Was that valid? Was that nice to have someone at
least say I believe you? Kind of, I mean, it made it just
made me feel like, OK, I'm not really an alcoholic, you know,
like, damn it. This.
Is where that went. It was like at this point you
were out of the relationship. OK, wow.
Yeah. And yeah, So I tried going to
(28:46):
meetings and my first reaction was, all right, I'll quit doing
the drugs because that's illegal.
And that's like, obviously really bad for me because my
consequences are a lot more harsher, you know?
But I can continue to drink. I can continue to function
because I'm not really like, I don't have a problem with
drinking. It's more so that I have a
problem putting stuff up my noseand not eating for days at a
(29:09):
time. So I'll continue drinking, but
I'll, I'll do it the normal way,like I'll go to, I'll do it
tastefully, like I'll have a glass of wine and be all
ladylike, you know? Switch from beer to wine.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm not going to drink a fifth a
day and and I think the glass ofwine maybe lasted not even a
night. So it didn't work.
(29:30):
No, because it's not. It's with me, it's not wanting
to be ladylike or it's just I drink with the intent of getting
fucked up. So if I'm not blacked out, if
I'm like not hammered exactly like there's no point to my
drinking. Like I don't want to remember.
(29:50):
I want to black out. I want to have the best night of
my life. And like, I never, I never had
that, that stop button, that pause button, you know, I was
the loudest 1, the most obnoxious.
So it stayed with drinking for awhile, then after that.
Yeah, I I met my my kids father at 24, so it was like a year
(30:13):
after my surgery. And so then you'd been out about
two years of that relationship, the previous, yes, OK.
And so I met my kids father and like any good new addict
alcoholic in the rooms, it was, I've got 30 days, you've got 20
days. We get together like we'll have
(30:33):
a really good relationship and we'll we'll push each other in
recovery. Like, let's do it.
So we had maybe 90 days clean and sober.
We went up to Tahoe, got marriedthree months later, I found out
I was pregnant with my son. So it, it was the one of the
worst decisions I made. I mean, I'm grateful because I
(30:55):
love my sons and they're the best parts of me.
They are, that's beautiful. You know, like they are the
reason that I'm that I made it back, you know, like I should
have died a lot. There were many times that I
should have died and I truly believe that I'm here to be Jack
(31:16):
and Joe's mom, You know, like that's my purpose and helping
women who are abused who want toget help.
Not everybody does. I know I didn't.
That's. Hard to watch I bet.
Yeah, well, it's like you see that cycle from the outside and
it's like, I know all the stops she's going to go, you know,
(31:39):
like I see the justification, the denial, the, you know, if I
just acted right, he wouldn't hit me.
So let me try to do it, you know?
But unfortunately, like you, yeah, you might get better with
your cooking, but then it's going to be you're not, you're
not sweeping properly. You're not, you know, you're not
(32:01):
as affectionate. You're not kissing me as much.
Like you're never going to be enough.
Like even if you fix all these things that he expects of you,
like he's still going to find reasons so you.
Could hit a hundred thing checklist perfectly and then
there'll be a one. It'll just keep adding to it,
right? So there is no they're never
going to be safe with a narcissist.
(32:23):
No, it's like once for me. I believe like once that dynamic
is there that the abuser is always going to be the abuser
and until that person leaves, it's just the reality that is
the normal and I. Your second, The second was the
(32:45):
father of your children, a narcissist.
Oh yeah, yeah. Again.
Damn. Yeah, I have AI had a type, you
know, and it's like. Why do you think you ended up in
the same type of situation? I think it's like, like I said,
(33:05):
growing up, my dad was on the road and so we were really close
the first few years of my life growing up, Like I was daddy's
little girl, but then he was off.
So part of me wanted somebody who would come in and fill that
role that would kind of father me, but at the same time, like I
wanted a partner. And so I hate saying that I had
(33:29):
daddy issues, even though it's probably true, but it's like I
looked for somebody who would fill that role of the the dad,
but at the same time also be thepartner.
And I would I've done a lot of work.
I don't know where my relationship between me and my
dad went wrong. I think it was the fact that we
(33:52):
were both closet addict Alcoholics.
So like the older I got, the older he got, the the more
distance we had between US. And then, you know, we're both
dealing with our addiction without even really knowing it,
you know, because it's, it's notjust drugs and alcohol, like
(34:15):
it's a, it's a me problem. It's an internal problem for
whatever reason, like I didn't feel good and comfortable in
within myself. That's why I drank and used.
And so I can, I can imagine thatmy dad felt similar, you know,
he was trying to pursuer, pursuedifferent entrepreneurial
(34:35):
things. He was trying to be a musician
so things would fail. And, you know, he wanted to be
the provider. But you know, the guy that took
care of his family that we were doing really well.
And when he wasn't hitting that mark, I think he kind of took it
hard. I don't know.
I can't, I can't say you know what it was, but I can only
(34:59):
imagine because I, I see those traits within myself.
I am, I'm really hard on myself.I have unrealistic expectations
on myself. If, if I'm not a really hard
worker, if I'm not moving forward, I, I tend to feel like
I'm failing. It doesn't matter that all these
(35:21):
things are going right in my life.
Like I only focus on the one thing that went wrong and thank
God for recovery, Thank God for trauma therapy, for counseling,
because I've been able to do a lot of work.
And I think that was the biggestthing that I was missing in the
(35:41):
five years that I had in recovery with while I was
married. You didn't address what they
would say outside issues. Right.
Yeah. I didn't do that.
I didn't build bonds with women like I couldn't, you know, like
I, like I said, I had monitored metered time that I could go and
be with my sponsor. Oh.
Yeah, he didn't want me to go tomeetings with other women
(36:03):
because two women together, we must be, you know, pursuing
little interactions with men and.
Being flirtatious. He's a dirtbag.
Right. And I think that's a lot too, is
he doesn't want that truth getting out there like he
doesn't want to lose what he has.
And if I would just act right, you know, it would be so much
(36:26):
smoother. It'd be so much better.
We'd have. We'd be like the Beavers.
And it's impossible to ever act right.
And if you're in that relationship, right, yeah, you
can never do. This was the second marriage
that we're talking about. I'm sorry that no, it's yeah.
So this was my kids dad. I only have.
Is he physically abusive as well?
I'm jumping you around. Sorry my brain.
No, it's OK. Yeah.
(36:47):
Yes, he was mentally and physically abusive.
My dad with that one was a little bit more aggressive.
After seeing what went on with the first one.
He's like, Oh no, we're not doing this again.
So unfortunately he, him and my dad got physical and they got
into a fist fight one night because my dad was just done.
(37:10):
He was like, I've been there, done that.
I'm not going to have my daughter get abused.
And by no means he was bad. He wasn't as bad as the first
one. So I was a little bit better,
you know? Yeah.
So the first one, that was the worst I'd ever gone gone
through. That's the worst I've ever heard
someone going through that survived it.
(37:31):
I remember I went, I was being booked in El Dorado County and
the the woman booking me goes, what happened?
I'm like, what do you mean? And she goes, you have two
perfect black eyes and I'm like,my boyfriend beat me like you
want to set because I can have him hook you up.
And I remember her like you don't talk like that.
And I'm like, who compliments somebody on 2 black eyes?
(37:52):
Like obviously I didn't just fall.
I'm obviously in an abusive relationship.
You know what I mean? Like it was just, it was crazy,
but I was the bad guy because I'm like, he'll hook you up.
But that was my, that was my. My ammo should not have been
drunk. How did that relationship end?
(38:14):
The OR the marriage I should say.
So CPS got involved. Because of abuse or drugs?
Because of abuse. OK, I was pretty good.
I I hadn't done cocaine in a really long time.
I wasn't really drinking becausewith the half a pancreas, every
time I drank it felt like alcohol poisoning and it was
(38:35):
like I would be hungover for like 4 or five days.
And so to me it just wasn't worth it.
So I found this really cool thing called Vicodin.
Oh no, what year was this? 2002, 1010 No.
(38:56):
Well, when I found the Vicodin, it was like 2014.
It was right after my second son, so he was born in 2016.
So I was getting them for back pain and the kids died.
He could get it also for back pain.
So I would get 120 the first twoweeks and he would get 120 this
like the second two weeks. So between him and I, we would
(39:18):
go through 240 pills in a month.And that seems like a lot, but
it was just enough because you would pop them and you would
feel good, right? But if you really wanted to get
the effects of opiates and you really wanted to get like that
good high, you had to chop it upand you had to snort it.
(39:40):
Oh man, with the Tylenol in it and stuff.
Yeah, and it was my my new favorite thing.
And I had my Jack was a year old, maybe a year and a half
old. He was about to turn 2.
Joe was about, Joe was around 8:00 and.
Their dad was upset because I wouldn't give him money that he
(40:05):
had earned on a side job becauseI needed to pay bills and he was
drinking really heavily. And I knew that if I gave him
this money I wasn't going to seeit.
I wasn't going to be able to paybills.
So I kept it and I got my ass beat and my 8 year old jumped in
to stop him and he pushed him. He like had like a bruise and a
(40:26):
scrape on his arm. Of course he said sorry he
didn't mean to it was just like a reaction.
But CPS was called. How did they find?
Out school or something? I had I had confided in a friend
and she was like enough is enough.
I hated her because of it. I can look back and be grateful
(40:51):
now that CPS came in, it was a year it would they kept them
because they it was a failure toprotect.
They were afraid that I was going to go back to him and that
the boys were going to grow up in this cycle.
(41:12):
And so for a year, they were with his sister and it was hard.
I had to jump through all the hoops, even with my ego of I've
got a good job, I'm not the problem.
It's him. Yeah, it was, it was rough, but
I did it because when your back's against the wall and it's
(41:34):
either you do what we say or you're not getting your kids
like I, I just did it like that was the only thing that I needed
was, was my children back. And so I did.
It was a brutal year. I remember my sponsor at the
time, I was like, if I don't getmy kids back by Christmas, I'm
going to get loaded. Christmas came, still no kids,
(41:55):
but I didn't get loaded. You know, I was like, OK, this
is a brand new year. I don't get my kids back, I'm
going to get loaded. But I didn't, you know, and I
was able to put together some time.
I still had that prescription for opiates, but I was doing it
as prescribed. That's impressive.
Yeah, going from overusing back to spam.
(42:15):
Well, because I was desperate like you.
Yeah, it was you get your shit together and you get your kids
back or you keep doing what you're doing, you lose all
parental rights. It was, they were like, there's
no, you either do it and you getthe reward or you're you're
done. And so I, I mean, I had to.
Their dad gave up. He didn't even try.
(42:39):
He would go to a couple counseling sessions.
He would show up to a couple visits.
He gave up. And I knew, like, if I give up
on my children, that's what they're going to remember and
they're going to spend their lives growing up knowing that
both their parents just gave up on them.
And I could not let that happen.I mean, I for myself, obviously
(43:00):
I didn't want to lose my children, but I, I wouldn't be
able to live with myself knowingthat my children felt unwanted.
And that's one thing that I've always told them is, yes, me and
your dad didn't work out, but you are both conceived in love.
You are very much wanted and youare the perfect pieces of me and
(43:20):
your dad. We have a lot of whatever and we
don't work, but you have everything good about us within
you. And I try really hard to make
sure because I can only imagine.I see it with my 14 year old.
They haven't talked to their dadand over a year.
So my son's 14, my, my youngest son is 8 and it's been over a
(43:45):
year that they haven't talked tohim.
That is a boundary that I set. He needed to have six months
sober before I would even reintroduce them talking because
it's, I get a few days sober. I want to see them and talk to
them. And then he's out for a month,
you know? And that's not good for the
kids. No, because then they would
(44:05):
start acting out. And so I just cut off all and I
mean, I've talked to his sister.I'm very, very close with his
sister. She takes the kids for a weekend
once a month. They, I wanted them to grow up
knowing their dad's side of the family.
Like I, I didn't want them to, to not have that connection, you
(44:27):
know, and I've always told them when you get older, if you
choose to have that relationshipwith your dad, whatever you
want, Like I support that. But right now it's my job to
protect you. And so this is me setting this
boundary for you. And so it's been a year.
I haven't talked to their dad. They haven't seen him in two
years. And I know that it's really hard
(44:51):
on my 14 year old. He'll make little comments of,
yeah, well, if I only had a dad and he does like me where he's
like, I'm just joking. Like it's not, I don't think
about it that much. But I'm like, OK, OK.
So I got him into therapy. He has amazing men in his life.
(45:16):
The guy that I've been off and on scene since splitting with
their father, he's been there and been more present and shown
up more consistently for them from 2019 until now than their
dad ever has. I've got men in the program that
I've built like friendships withthat have children and like they
(45:42):
have Uncle Justin, you know, like Uncle Justin and we all, we
all go snowboarding together or we go on the river and go ride
dirt bikes. And so they do have a lot of men
that show up consistently, but it's hard to fill that void.
And like Joey said, he he just gave up.
Like I wasn't worth fighting forit.
(46:02):
I'm like, it's not that it's he's battling his own demons.
You know, it's not. And no, nobody, nothing in this.
World, you did what you did to make sure that you're there.
At least a lot of women didn't get through that.
They couldn't override. So you're Mama Bear.
And your strength even here, like, very, very strong.
(46:26):
I can't believe you're saying all this.
And so anyways, what was the point?
OK, so that ended and you weren't sober yet, right?
Like, where did the Vicodin go? Sorry.
That's where I derailed you. Yeah.
I was off and on. So I was like in the closet, you
know, like I would maybe one Friday or Saturday, like I might
(46:48):
do a little bit too much, but I pretty much kept it together for
a point for a time. And then like they say, that's
not enough. So my kids were back.
I had a good job. I was working at Kaiser.
And then it was like life started to happen again.
(47:11):
And I, so my, my biggest thing was I need to get my kids back.
So I got that, but I hadn't full, I mean, I've done 12 steps
before. I've had multiple sponsors, I've
gone through the steps, I've worked with other people, I've
done all that. So I guess this time it was kind
(47:32):
of like, I don't really need to do that.
My main priority is I need to get my kids back.
So I was going to meetings, I was doing all the stuff, but it
was for one that what that one purpose.
And so once that came back, likethat weight was lifted and I
could kind of relax, you know, and.
(47:53):
But then like slowing down on meetings and stuff.
Yeah, because I already I had everything I needed.
Accomplished. Yeah, yeah.
And so I had, like, this person in my life.
I had a good sponsor. I felt like I was in a good
place, right? But then life happens and I had
(48:13):
no tools. I didn't want to reach for my
toolbox. I was just like, it's a lot
easier for me to just reach for this prescription because I
still had this prescription and it was well, today was pretty
rough. I got some stressful news, so
I'm going to do a little bit more.
(48:33):
And then it was like nothing. I was back to snorting them and
hiding them. And then my doctor started like
the opiate kick, like the, the cutback was coming down.
So they were like, if you didn'thave a serious real medical
need, we're we're not going to give this to you.
(48:55):
So it was like I was that whole shift when it was, oh, you have
a headache. Here's 40 Vicodin, you know,
like, oh, you stubbed your toe. We're going to give you a six
month supply of Vicodin. You know, it was, it really was.
It was. And then all of a sudden, like,
if I didn't have a good enough excuse, you know, plus there was
(49:16):
like a part of me that's like, OK, let's go to Tylenol 3
because fuck that, you know? Get out of here with.
Your, But it was like, I, you know, there were parts of me
that was trying to get sober, but there was parts of me that
was like, can I really get rid of this crutch?
You know, like, can I really face life on life's terms?
Because you're, you're just not strong enough, you know, like,
(49:42):
yeah, you're strong enough. You got your children back.
But if you weren't dumb, you would, it wouldn't have happened
in the 1st place. So I hadn't dealt with any of
that trauma. I went to the the therapist that
they that CPS provided and I just looked at her like, you
don't know shit. You're only here because this
organization wants you to tell, like to evaluate me.
(50:04):
I didn't feel that connection. It was more my ego, like I'm
going to say whatever I need to say to impress you so that I get
my children back, you know, And so I didn't do any work on
myself again, you know, I did. I did all the the steps and I
did all the things. And I looked great on the
outside, but on the inside, I was, I still had so much trauma
(50:29):
from that first abuse, from the next abuse, you know, losing my
grandfather, just all these things that I just we're going
to put it in this closet and we're never going to open the
door. We're never going to look.
Yeah. And so it's like all this stuff
that had happened in the 15 years of my using it would like
(50:50):
come out in little spurts, you know, And the last thing I
remember is I had, I was claiming to have 18 months and
the person in my life said, I know that you're lying.
So either you can tell me the truth, or we can just stop
(51:10):
talking because I know that you're lying and.
You were snorting the Vicodin atthis time?
Is that what it was? And I mean, I had gotten into
debt because I was buying it from somebody because I wasn't
getting the prescriptions like Iused to.
And I had to get honest. So I had to tell my sponsor.
(51:31):
I had to go to meetings and. Raise your hand.
Yeah. And say, by the way, like, not
only do I have two days, but I've been lying to you for 18
months. And I've been saying that I'm
I'm someone that I'm not. And, and I wish that that would
have been my bottom, you know, but it's like I always found the
(51:55):
trap door or I always decided, OK, well, that didn't work, but
let me try one more, one more thing before I fully concede.
And the craziest thing is, is I had had five years and I knew, I
knew what could happen. What was the the pink cloud that
this, the gifts of sobriety? I had that.
(52:16):
But it was like coming back. My ego is so broken because here
I was a newcomer and there are people with 10 years.
And just a few months ago I had,you know, this amount of time.
And my ego was so big and it kept me out for so long because
I was just like, I'm better thanyou.
Yeah, I failed, but I've done this and I, I know what it's
(52:41):
like. So I'm going to do it on my own
and I'm going to do it 10 times better without doing a program
because, because I've got this, you know, and it took me a
really long time to make it back.
I called a friend who worked at Kaiser in the addiction medicine
(53:02):
and I said I'm about to kick cocaine and pills and I don't
want to do this alone. Can you please help me get into
rehab? And that was January 13th of
2023 and I haven't and I haven'tused since then.
Like sober sober. Yeah, I mean, I haven't drank
since 2019, but that's awesome. Yeah, first of all, I know it's
(53:25):
not your sobriety, Dave, but that's a big.
Accomplishment. It is that gets overlooked in
some 12 step programs. That's a big.
Deal. Yeah.
So, and I, I, I think about thatbecause I'm like, God, it's been
a long time. Oh no.
It's just no, no, no, no, like I'll think about it and I'm
like, God, it's been a really long time, but I, I have to
(53:47):
remember that I don't even look at it as a substance, like a
recovery from substance anymore.It's I've recovered from, from
the demons within me. You know what I mean?
Like I've healed that broken child that was in me that I just
wanted to be loved, dude, you know, looking back, like I just
wanted somebody to love me because I couldn't love myself.
(54:10):
So I just wanted somebody to love me and validate me and tell
me that I was worth it, you know, And if I didn't get that,
then I would get drunk or high and I would do whatever because
I, I had so much pain, you know,and I, I don't know, I did a lot
of work. I ever when I was in the in
(54:31):
outpatient, they're like, Oh, wehave this trauma class coming up
and I'm like, sign me up. Every trauma class, every like
extracurricular thing. I was like, put me in there like
I really wanted to heal. And then it's like, I, I'd
always known that this, the substances were just a symptom,
But it wasn't until like that last time that I was like, if I
(54:53):
don't heal myself, like I'm never going to, I'm never going
to attract the right him, which was like a big looking back.
I'm like, hey, that probably wasn't the best motivation, but
I'm never going to track the right him.
I'm never going to be like be a good mother.
I'm always going to find something to, to get me through
(55:15):
like as a coping mechanism. So it's like I just wanted to
heal myself so that I could feelnormal so that I could have hope
or serenity or peace, you know, so that I could they based life
on life's terms. And it was brutal.
(55:35):
The first year was gut wrenching.
It was facing a lot of shit thatI had ran from for the longest
time. And still there's things that
come up like the Didi trials going on.
I can't, I can't read about it because like, I guess I did read
(56:00):
a little bit and there was an instance where Diddy came down
and was like, where's my food? Where's my breakfast?
And he like beat her up because it wasn't ready.
And it I'll just flashback and I'm like, you know, like I'll
see like I watch that movie. It it ends with us.
(56:22):
Haven't seen it. And it's like this domestic
violence, you know, and the whole time you're watching it,
you're like, oh, you know, it's like, like it, it doesn't show
the full. I don't want to give it up or.
Like ruin it. For you, Yeah.
But you watch that movie becausethe way that it unfolds, like
(56:45):
you're like, Oh, well, it's he'snot really abusive.
And then the way it unfolds, you're like, oh, wow.
And that is exactly what it's like being in the relationship
like that because you're like, you see it, but you're like,
well, maybe it didn't really happen the way that it happened.
And maybe I, you know, I could have done something a little
different. So you keep going along with it,
(57:06):
but then you stop and you look back and you're like, Oh my God,
like I'm in an abusive relationship, you know?
And so little things I find thattrigger me, but I have amazing
women in my life that show up. I go on women's retreats,
women's camp outs. I'm a huge advocate for If
(57:28):
you're not in a relationship, don't get into one.
Because the first year you have no idea who the fuck you are
because you come in just broken,broken.
You have nothing to offer yourself.
So you sure as hell don't have anything to offer anyone else.
Like your one job is to sit there and take it all in because
(57:50):
who you are right now needs work.
And I wish that I would have listened more.
You know, I wish that I would have done that.
And I did. I did like I did the trauma
work, I did the therapy. But I'm like, God, if I would
have done this so much sooner, Can you imagine like where I'd
be now? And that's that I hold myself to
(58:12):
unrealistic expectations. Like I just need to be grateful
for today and how far I've come,you know, and remember that
everything that's happened has led me to this point.
And where I'm at today is prettygood.
I do, I love it. That's awesome.
I work in the ER So beautiful. I have a decent relationship
with my kids, you know. Sober.
(58:35):
Yes. Helping women.
But it's not just being sober. It's just like being in this
peace and serenity, like lookingin the mirror and being like,
you're a badass bitch, you know,like, and just joking around.
Like, I fucking love myself today, man.
Like, that's huge, huge, you know?
(58:56):
And I like, I feel like I have something to offer, you know?
Feel like you do too. Yeah, like, and it's just like
this joy like I do, I go into a recovery home that's a women's
recovery home and I bring them meetings and I see that some of
them are, are just going throughthe motion, but some of them
(59:19):
like the lights turning on. I have a someone that I'm
working with and I see the lightturning on and it's like just
fills my heart, right. Or when I'm doing stuff with my
kids, like my 8, my 8 year old was in the spelling bee.
And to see him get that excitement and like to help him
study with stuff like just me being of service to anyone
(59:40):
outside of myself and having them like have that, that
excitement and that happiness, it feels really good.
And I didn't realize how important being of service to
others is. My first sponsor, Lauren, she
never made it back into the rooms.
She passed away last year. But she had me call 3 women
(01:00:07):
every day. I couldn't text.
I had to call 3 women every day for 30 days.
And it took me 6 months to get those 30 days.
But that little tool helped me in a lot of ways because I was
in the habit of picking up the phone and reaching out to women
and finding how I could be of service to them, how there was
day was going, and then I could make it about me.
(01:00:30):
Then I could explain what I'm going through, you know?
So then it became second nature to call no matter how you're
feeling. So when something.
Picking up that phone. You know what kind of blows me?
I guarantee there's women right now list that listen to your
whole story that are in your relationship and they're
justifying it and they don't think they're in it or they
think they deserve it. What can you?
(01:00:50):
What do you say to them? Don't believe the lies.
It's it's hard because when you're in that state, you want
so badly to think that you can fix it, to think that you can
(01:01:12):
make it work. And you truly believe that you
are broken and you feel this connection.
You feel this, this value from that person in the good times.
And so you really think that youthat you can do it.
(01:01:36):
And it's nothing that somebody can tell you.
You have to know I can't do thisanymore.
All I can do is be of service and I will like I tell women, if
(01:01:57):
you call me, I will. I will come pick you up.
I will talk to you. But it's just don't believe the
lies. You know how much you can really
do, huh You? Can't, because if you try to
force them or you try to help them and it's too soon, they'll
go back just like I did. That's so brutal, so you just
(01:02:21):
sit back and hope they survive it.
Yeah, And I mean, I just, I share my my story, I share my
truth. And I hope that something
they're like, OK, but there was like somebody that I worked with
and she's like, I think I'm going to leave, but but not this
weekend. And my sponsors like don't she's
(01:02:41):
not ready because she's like shewas in a similar situation when
I made that decision. There was nothing that could
stop me. And when I made my decision,
there was nothing that could stop me.
I was done. You know, of course I went and I
found a new one. But like I, I knew that I was
going to die if I kept going back, that this was all.
(01:03:06):
And I remember there was a time that I was praying to God.
I was like, if this is all I meant for, please just let me
go. Just let me go now, let me die
in my sleep, whatever it is. But if I meant for something
more than help me find a solution because I can't go on
(01:03:28):
like this anymore. And I thank God he knew that I
had to fall, that I had to learn.
But fuck, I truly love who I am today, I really do.
And I have like my always improving apparel and I have all
my designs like this is we call it the skull flower.
(01:03:50):
But it says I may fall but I will never give up and.
Then that's it. So you have What's the name of
your apparel company? Always improving apparel, OK.
And Instagram, yeah, we're on Instagram and Facebook and we do
a lot of events. I started as the designer
because the IT was two guys thatstarted it.
(01:04:11):
The guy that I've been like off and on scene since whatever, but
they started it and I was like, yeah, your female designs not so
good. So let me come in and help you
out with that. Yeah, I'm like, you can't have
two guys doing women's designs because it's just not, doesn't
(01:04:31):
work. So it started as I came in and
did the female designs and it started to take off.
Well, then my recovery started to take off and I was like
getting more into it. And now I'm like, you know,
business partner, like I get to make big girl decisions.
You know, I do all the social media, I book events, I'm, I
(01:04:55):
talk about it. I, this is like all I wear, all
my clothing is always improving.So like, even when I'm at work,
like I'll have like a ER tech shirt on, but it'll have my logo
on the back, right? So, and I'm known for people
coming to the ER like I'm known for having my, my mid calf
socks. We've got socks with these
(01:05:16):
really cool designs. And so patients are like, Oh my
God, I love your socks. And I'm like, thank you so much.
It's my, you know, it's my claimto fame.
Everybody knows me like I'm the tech with the cool socks, but
it's, it's like really put a little momentum in it because
it's like I get to wear my journey and I get to share it
(01:05:37):
with other women who are either cancer survivors or domestic
violence survivors or just like in recovery, like they'll wear
this and they'll tell me when they're buying it.
They'll tell me, Oh my God. So I went through this and This
is why I love this shirt. And so to feel that bond and
that connection, it's just another outlet for me to carry
(01:06:01):
my story and to share it with the world.
And it's my favorite. I actually brought you a shirt
of your own. You did.
I did. Well, yes, because I watch, I
watch like Joe Rogan and PatrickBette David.
And so it's always like this thing that you have to bring
your host a gift. All right.
And so that's my the company. And I remember you were talking
(01:06:25):
about Kai Zen and how it's like little steps every day.
And so, yes, there is pain, but that pain equals change.
And it's. Yeah.
And it's. Yes.
So wear it with pride. Wear your story.
Wear your journey. That's you know, where I'm at.
(01:06:46):
My kids get all the slogans. My 14 year old is notorious for
being like mom do you need a meeting like I'll watch Jack?
Why don't you go hit up a meeting or have you talked to
your sponsor today? Who's who's Derek?
We're in the room with Derek. Is this business partner?
Business partner, OK Business. Partner.
(01:07:07):
Yeah. Cool man.
A great relationship. Yeah, you guys are in a
relationship. Yeah, it's.
Hell yeah. Yeah.
I just put you guys on the spot.I didn't mean to do that, no.
It's been rough. I mean, for 18 months I lied to
him and said I'm sober, but I was chopping up lines in his
(01:07:27):
bathroom, you know? You knew intuitively, huh?
Like before? Yeah, I had.
A little help, but yeah. And I told him I was like, I
think there was a part of me that wanted to get caught, like,
I really do because I would, like, sneak in the bathroom and
chop up lines. And I'm like, oh, my stomach's
hurting. You know, there was a part of me
(01:07:51):
that wanted to get caught, that wanted to be done.
But I wasn't going to come cleanon my own, you know, like, if
you got it out of me, OK. But there was still that.
Well, if I can just quit, then I'll keep all this time that
I've built up and and I'll fix it all on my own, you know?
And then I won't tell anyone. Right, right.
(01:08:12):
So then I'll have double the time and then but it'll, you
know, it'll only be like half ofthat of real.
But it it was just those lies and that twisted thinking.
It, it, it messes with you, you know, and I am one to believe
the lies, you know, I'm like, I can think.
(01:08:34):
I I truly believe. I can convince yourself.
Yeah. Wow, man, I thank you for
sharing this. That's very brave.
And your ability to share it with the strength, I mean, I'm
barely hanging on here, so I just respect you.
I thank you and I appreciate thedetails because I don't think
(01:08:54):
people understand that there's women living with that kind of
horrific abuse like broken ribs and severed pancreases and
stuff. I think at least for me, like I
thought, oh, they get hit or something, but beaten almost to
death is just thank you for sharing that because that's
going to give a lot of women relief that have never told
anyone or they're going through it now and they think they're
(01:09:15):
alone. Yeah.
Appreciate you. I.
You love yourself. I love hearing that.
That's so cool. You really?
Do it took me a really long timeto get to that point, you know,
because it's like all the guilt of well, I did illegal things.
You know, I have a past, I've been to jail.
(01:09:37):
I'm a piece of shit. I'm a drug addict, you know, and
it didn't matter that I had a decent job or that I, you know,
all I could see was every bad mistake that I've ever done.
And you know, to those women, like even if it's not physical,
even if you're just in a relationship, but he manipulates
(01:09:58):
or he love bombs or he gaslightsyou, like those are all just
little things leading up to it. No, And it's those type of men
that prey on those weak and insecure women.
Like to me, they're on the same level as pedophiles.
(01:10:18):
Like they should just go away. Your own island right?
Just buy you cannot be in society.
No, because it's like you prey on those women and their biggest
insecurities. But I remember a person telling
me when I first got into the rooms, he's like, if you get
(01:10:40):
this, if you truly get sobriety and you do the steps, like
you're going to help so many women because your message is so
powerful. And so that's like my mission.
That's I think that's why I workin healthcare.
Like I really want to make a difference.
I really want to help people. That's why I do like my
clothing. It kind of opens the doors for
(01:11:02):
me to talk to women. I'm very open on my social media
talking about my abuse, talking about my recovery, because I
want, I want somebody to see it and to reach out and say, Hey, I
think there's, I think I have a problem.
I want to help them get help or to get help.
I don't want them to go through.If I can help them avoid some of
(01:11:25):
the things that I went through, then then I'm done my job.
And so that's why I was like, I would love to come on your
podcast. I would love to, to share it
because it's, it's not even an ego thing.
It's just I want, I want to helpthat little girl that's out
there. You know that.
Yeah, that just wants to get outand to get free.
(01:11:48):
Thank you. There's a lot of resources.
Feels very correct that this came out today yeah, I'm I'm
down to post about your company too and I think the whole thing
is great and. I love it.
Thank you. No, thank you.
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