The Most Violent Life Story You'll Ever Hear (from someone not locked up)

Episode Transcript
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(00:00):
Dude so I've heard 2500 to 3000 life stories.
I've never heard one as violent as yours.
And I went to prison for attempted murder.
I would look for situations and for instances to want to stab
somebody. You don't live that life and
commit so much violence and crimes and not get excited by
it. It's so long ago that sometimes
I have a hard time realizing like that that was actually me.

(00:21):
And even though I live with a lot of guilt, like we all do, I
still feel like I can make something to myself because
that's the last thing I told my mom.
But when I trained somebody, I don't, I don't train them.
There's it's a lot more than just sets and reps like I want
to impact your life and I want to leave you better than how I
found you. I'm just applying everything I
learned in prison because it saved my life.
And most people aren't here, aren't living for their life The

(00:42):
same way that I was a bad personis the same way that I am a good
person with the same. Intensity.
What does that mean to you? To be a good person.
Wow. You're the 1st, the repeat guest
I've done and I've, you know, I've, I've done a lot of

(01:04):
interviews now, but the just, itjust stuck with me and like, we,
I heard your stories and all that, but I, I, I just want to
hear more of like your YouTube channel letters to my son.
You know where you're dropping your wisdom.
You have a different perspective, dude.
So I've heard in my time, probably 2500 to 3000 life

(01:24):
stories, over 1516 years of mentoring men, I've never heard
one as violent as yours. I've never, I've never heard
anything like that. So there's a previous episode
for it. But you were born into violence.
You had to use violence to survive violence.
And then it just kept escalatingand getting more violent.
And now that's not, I mean, I'm it's in you, I'm sure.

(01:46):
But like you, you don't strugglewith that anymore, so.
I, I don't want to say I don't struggle with it on, on, on my
YouTube channel when we first created it, Miles and I talked
about how, how raw we want to be.
You know, I mean, I, I can be pretty raw, but there's a
certain level of rawness where Istill have people in my current

(02:07):
life where there was still a little bit of shame.
And so I started off with like my childhood and I wanted to
paint the picture of this is whoI was.
So I had to be as vulnerable andas raw as possible.
Always going back to when I was 12, wanted to shoot my dad
instead of shooting my dad and Ishot somebody else.
I mean, it doesn't get any rawerthan that.

(02:27):
I don't really know what happened to the individual.
I mean, I was 12. It was it was dark time.
Oh, you didn't get caught for it?
No, OK. There's a lot of things I didn't
get caught for. I got, I got caught for, for
attempted murder, served 12 years for that.
And in the midst of all of that,there's a number of other crimes
that were committed in prison. I mean, you're you're in prison.
I don't think anybody goes to prison at the level that I went

(02:51):
to and with the affiliations that I went to with the idea of
like, I think I'm just going to accumulate some good time.
I'm probably going to be a Porter, maybe show you some
tears. Let.
Me just stick my nose in the Bible that.
Doesn't really work like that like that, that that wasn't who
I was. That wasn't my story.
So violence was just a way of life.
And even at the time, I think back, it's so long ago that

(03:13):
sometimes I have a hard time realizing like that that was
actually me just because of the person who I am today.
Like I couldn't think about doing any of those things now.
So when you say do I battle withthem, sometimes there's like
the, there's a little kid insideof me, like certain triggers,
like my dad's no longer here, but I do have certain triggers,
like I feel like I'm a little kid.

(03:34):
And sometimes there are triggerstoday that do trigger that side
of me do. You mind sharing any?
Most recently, I shouldn't say most recently, but the last time
that I had an altercation, I went to go visit some friends in
in Truckee and there was some random hooligans and or running
a mess. You know, I went to go visit.

(03:55):
My friends were walking down thestreet and it's like probably 15
St. punks and like E bikes just yelling, just terrorizing
trucky. And I was like what what what is
this? Like who are these kids?
You know, they start using wordslike Nick and they're white and
I'm like Nick, you're white. OK, so.
That doesn't make sense. Truckee like you clearly you're
to me, you're you're a wannabe. I never talked in the manner of

(04:18):
somebody that I wasn't. So even I affiliated with
Hispanics. I didn't go around talking like
I was Hispanic. I knew how to speak Spanish, but
I still kept true to like who I was.
I knew that I was Romanian and never said that I wasn't
anything other than Romanian. So to me, they were just
wannabes like you don't you don't talk like that, especially
in Truckee. And literally they kept

(04:40):
antagonizing me. And I was like, what exactly?
I was kind of confused. And then I grabbed the bike off
the bike, and then my friend stepped in.
And that was about the closest since being out.
And this was a few years ago. But I do recall actually getting
a sense of excitement from it, because when you live that life,
you don't live that life and commit so much violence and
crimes and not get excited. By it and yeah you probably have

(05:02):
to learn to love it dude that was one of my questions is like
there that's got to still be in there like how do you feed it
what what do you do I. Don't feed it.
You don't feed it. I don't feed it.
Long time ago, I know there was a story about two wolves.
You know, there's a, there's a one side of the wolf is, is
kindness, generosity, peace, love, caring.

(05:23):
And then the other side of the wolf is anger, hatred, betrayal.
The one that you feed will grow.So in present, guess what I fed
violence like that was just all around me.
But at some point I I knew that I didn't want to do it, but I
didn't want to get killed. I wanted to make it out.

(05:43):
Dude, that's so you basically had somewhat of an awakening in
jail, right? You couldn't get out of the cell
or put in work that you had to put in.
But then you still had years left on your sentence.
So you don't want to be that. That really stuck with me.
I got goosebumps. I that's a different level
mental toughness. Like you have to go keep the
violent path going and you don'twant any part of it.
Now that's that's not fun. It's not fun, but it's, it's

(06:09):
survival. And, and I was just talking
about this last night with, withTina, you know, because
sometimes I think about what I did.
Tina's your girlfriend. Tina's my girlfriend.
You know what I actually did to overcome all of the challenges
that that faced me? I wasn't there.
Still participating in gang activities, still participating

(06:30):
in a number of assaults in there.
I was getting assaulted. So it wasn't like the violent
stop just because Joe had an epiphany.
Joe has an epiphany. All of a sudden the correction
officers forget all of the violence that he committed,
forgot that I was in there for attempted murder, forgot the
affiliations that I did, forgot the most recent cell extraction

(06:50):
that I got in because I'm in thecell extractions.
Nobody forgets all that just because I had an epiphany and
and, and I want to change. You still have to continue on
doing what you were doing for years.
So even though it was painful and hard, I think it helps me
out here. Just think about all the
distractions that we have out here.
We have a number of distractions.
We get involved in relationshipsthat can also be a distraction

(07:12):
if it's not influencing you or putting you on the right path to
where you really need to get to.We're influenced with jobs that
don't necessarily give us any fulfillment, but we have to make
a living. So that could be a distraction,
and I know most people don't look at things like this.
Your friends could also be a distraction.
So I have learned that anything that doesn't give me fulfillment

(07:32):
or I'm not actually contributingto is a distraction.
And I need to make sure that I'mcareful with what I get
distracted with. Social media, podcasts, like why
am I doing it? Hopefully I'm helping somebody.
And ultimately that's what I really want to do.
If I can just leave you a littlebetter than when I left you and
you may be phenomenal already. But if I can maybe give you some
perspective, I feel like I'm I'mwinning and I'm actually

(07:55):
accomplishing what I'm supposed to.
It's giving me purpose. Yeah, so when you say
distraction, you mean distraction from learning
yourself? One variation, but if I have a
goal like say for example, competing, like I want to
compete, I got to stick to my diet.
So I teach people how to actually be hyper focused on
their goal and understand that everything that doesn't align

(08:16):
with this goal, it's probably a distraction.
And I'm pretty harsh about it. You know, your relationship
could be a distraction if they're asking you to go to
sushi when you're supposed to behaving sushi or having
McDonald's, or you're not supposed to, or pizza, or even
if it is technically healthy food, but it's not completely
weighed out. You got to have discipline in
order to accomplish your goals. Anything else is a distraction.

(08:38):
That's how I managed to keep myself from being distracted
while in prison. That's all I had was
distractions. My cellmate was a distraction.
Being a Porter and visiting was a distraction.
Having to bring in drugs. They were all distractions.
So I had to figure out how do I still participate in these
distractions but still stay focused on knowing that I
really, really want to get out of prison and I have to do some

(09:00):
personal learning. Like what do I want?
I understand that I that this isexciting for me.
So if violence is exciting, do Ibecome a fighter when I get out?
Probably not going to work. What if somebody ends up dying
and getting killed in the ring and we're going back to prison?
So I thought about all of this personal development in the
midst of being if with distractions.
And it wasn't that somebody toldme I had to do all the these.

(09:22):
I didn't have a mentor. I didn't have.
All I had was books. That's all I had.
I had I had books and I had a desire to to learn.
So you would just read until youfound something that interested
you and they would continue downthat path of learning.
Correct. Yeah.
Like Entrepreneur magazine, Success Magazine, those are the
literatures that really, really opened up my eyes to.

(09:42):
I don't necessarily need to go ask somebody to give me a job.
I can acquire work through service.
So that's when I really started to think about maybe I don't
need to go get a job. Maybe I can create one.
And in prison that people don't think like that.
Correction officers, they have ajob, so they go to work to get a
paycheck. You know, you get out, get a
job, but you ain't going to get a job because you're a convicted

(10:04):
felon. OK, Well, I thought that was a
problem. Like, I don't, I didn't see any
any solution to that. So if I'm supposed to get out as
a convicted felon for attempted murder, I'm supposed to get
hired by who? So then I started thinking about
maybe creating work, which is why I created my first business
out here all ball on parole, badboy cleaning cleaning business,
but it was more like adult entertainment.

(10:25):
That's right, I. Forgot about that yeah, that's
incredible so you'd go out and not much clothing correct and it
dude, that's. With ankle monitor on ball on
parole, Yeah. And I and I had to get
permission from my parole officer.
So you had to go and grown man tell your parole officer, hey
man, I want to clean houses naked because I can make money
doing it. Yeah, and they, and he thought I
was crazy and he he little, he said never had anybody ever come

(10:49):
out here and say that they want to create work.
Yeah, that's always, I'm not able to get a job or they come
in here. And so he had to get permission.
So he called in the supervisor and tell him what you told me.
So I told him he goes. Well, technically he's not doing
anything illegal. He can prove that that's what
he's doing. So I did it and it worked.
I made money until of course, mynext opportunity, I went to

(11:12):
college and then, you know, I applied for a fitness shop
trainer. Then I didn't have a
certification. So I went online, found one else
for free, took the test, passed it came back in.
It just wasn't nationally recognized.
So I had to train the district manager to train the fitness
manager in order for me to make my way.
And but I've always been bullheaded, like nobody's going

(11:35):
to tell me I can't do something in prison, right?
I'm not the right color. You know, you shouldn't be
running with these people. So I've always been the black
sheep, black sheep of my family,like sheep, the the gang I ran
with because I just looked a little different.
I'm used to being different. And I'm used to people just
underestimating me. I'm used to it, Huh?

(11:56):
But it also gives me the advantage because you do
underestimate me. So while other people are not
doing what they're supposed to do, I read and I and I devoured
books in prison. That's that's the best way to
put it. Yeah.
Because after that I would just write.
I also. Love to write like poetry?

(12:16):
Not poetry. While I was dyslexic and then in
prison, I would write letters. So I wrote thousands of letters.
You're dyslexic and you still taught yourself everything you
know through reading books, correct?
That's how did you get over. You just have to read the same
thing 50 times. I had to read.
I had to read it over and over. Speech impediment as well too.
So I stuttered but I don't stutter.

(12:37):
Anymore. No, you don't.
Yeah, so I overcame all of thesethings on my own.
My parents didn't have any money, so I couldn't get like a
speech therapist. My parents didn't really
understand like what was wrong with me and I knew that I was
embarrassed to read out loud. And every time I read out loud,
I would start to stutter and I really didn't see the words the
same way. So I'd have to get into fights

(12:57):
because people make fun of me. So more fighting.
So I just I didn't really like to read out loud.
It wasn't until I got incarcerated at 13 that I really
started to to write letters. And then even then the letters
were were shitty at best. People have to proofread them.
My friends, they'd laugh at me like what is this?
What? I don't know what this says like
because the the the letters wereactually like PS were BS and

(13:18):
they're like that's that's not how you spell this, but I
thought that that's how it was it.
Looks the same in your mind. Yeah, so it took me a long time.
So from 13 until 1718, like I had a really, really hard time
writing. Like I had a dictionary.
So if I wrote a letter, I neededmy dictionary.
And that's Thesaurus. The the thesaurus I wanted to

(13:39):
use different words I got. Handed you shit in this life.
Yeah, so I. Had a how did how did you get
over the stutter? Like what did you practice
talking normal or just? Well, my dad didn't want me to
stutter. Also I had a blinking like I
would blink a lot. So my dad just beat me and in
essence he just beat it out of me like I had to.
I was out of fear. I didn't want to get beat.

(14:00):
So I, I would really, really slow down and, and, and think
about what I would say or not say anything at all or use words
that were similar so that I wouldn't have to actually my my
tongue wouldn't get caught. Yeah, OK.
Yeah. Did you ever experience fear
throughout the violence? Oh yeah, all the time.
Really, I experienced so you never really get used to it.

(14:21):
It's still there's nerves like when you know, I just, you got
work to put in and someone's going to lose a life.
Yeah, I just talked about this with a a friend of mine at the
gym. I I explained to the difference
between the sociopath and then somebody that actually is is
still, I want to use the word human.
You know, we still feel I love, I love my girlfriend, I'm in

(14:42):
love. I care about her, I get care
about her opinions. I care about what she thinks
about me. I care, But I also got hatred in
me. Like I hate a lot of rage.
But your sociopaths, I've seen they just don't really respond
to a lot like their their heart rate doesn't fluctuate.
They don't really clam up. Their, their, their words don't
really shake. Like, you know, sometimes you

(15:04):
have a conversation, people get heated.
Yeah. Physiological effects that
happen, yes. Sociopath, You don't experience
any of that. Nothing.
So no adrenaline? No.
Nothing. Huh.
I didn't know that so. Yeah, I went in prison.
I got to experience a lot of that.
A lot of sociopaths in. Prison.
Oh, absolutely. That makes sense.
Yeah, absolutely. So that's where I learned my

(15:25):
little theory about fears. Temporary in the moment that you
move, no fears, no longer there.Having to fight, stab people,
you still get nervous, but you just have to do it because if
not, your nervousness is going to kill you, literally,
literally. So in your situation, unless
you've been in that position where you have to, it's kind of

(15:48):
hard to tell whether or not how your physiological state is
going to be. Really, really hard.
Boxers know it because before a fight they get a little nervous.
So that's why they have like ticks and they move around a
lot. They're trying to work through
some of the fear. Everybody has certain telltale
signs. Unless you're just a sociopath.
Yeah, And then you're calm and and everything is fine and.

(16:10):
But I. But that's not a.
Skill of overcoming fear. That's a lack of human biology
in in a sense. In a sense.
Yeah, yeah. And I'm not a psychotherapist.
I'm not exactly sure, but these are just things that I visualize
and seen with my own two eyes. That's more.
Valuable than what's in a book for sure.
And even out here, like you haveuncomfortable conversations with

(16:31):
your significant other, we're afraid to have uncomfortable
conversations because of the outcome or because of our ego.
We want to be right all the time.
I don't have to be right. I also don't always have to say
something. I've learned I don't always have
to speak, whereas before in prison I felt like my voice just
really, really needed to be heard all the time.

(16:52):
I deserved and I demanded respect and I would look for for
problems. I I would look for for
situations and for instances to want to stab somebody because
that's just how I was and and solike to.
For your reputation or something?
Yeah, I was just angry. I was.
I was angry. That's the best way to put it.

(17:13):
I could imagine my freedom was. Taken.
I mean, you know, my crime. I was.
I was rather on. That's the first time that I've
actually been told on or my friend who I thought was my
friend told on me. Why?
Well, because I. Shot.
You know what I mean? What?
Why? Do you think he was he
interrogated or was he trying toget out of his No because.

(17:33):
Because the the person that I shot was his baby's mom.
So he impregnated a female. It was, it was the mother of
that person. Oh.
OK, so he had loyalty. To her, not to me.
That's the first time. That's happened.
I understand. That sounds a little what's like
where you deserve it because youshot somebody.
I understand. But that's just a life that we

(17:54):
lived. We just didn't go around
shooting random people like we shot at each other.
And sometimes the people around us, guess what?
They were affiliated with gangs,too.
Yeah, if you're hanging. Out there, that's for sure.
That's just what we did. I mean, I've had friends stab
people in middle of the road andthey had to go home, you know,
patch them up. And that was just, that was
life. It wasn't a movie.

(18:14):
That was just life. Yeah, I don't think.
People can relate to living in aconstant state of violence and
what that would do to the human psyche and how it would
transform you and how you probably get to the point.
And I don't know. But like you said, you look for
it or you embrace it or you enjoy it.
I mean, there was. Many a time, yeah, there was
many. And also too, this was in

(18:35):
America, this was an Oak Park, Sacramento.
This was wasn't like some third world country where my God, do
people know people still live like that today, right now, like
all the time. I don't know what the violent
level is, but we would patrol when I was a teenager, patrol in
our neighborhood that we belong to with with firearms and and

(18:55):
shoot people that didn't belong there.
It wouldn't just for not. Belonging just for not
belonging. There.
Yeah. I mean, you, if you think about
it, it's kind of like the military, all right?
We send Yeah, military out thereand they patrol the streets and
somebody doesn't belong there. Guess what?
You're going to get shot. Yeah, and that's pretty.
Much that military except that I'm I wasn't allowed to do that

(19:16):
because I'm I'm I'm a citizen and and the gun was stolen it
was illegal. So there's a number of things
that, yes, it's like the military, but I'm not military
and I was a teenager, I was a hooligan.
We were just running amok. But that's what.
My life consisted of for for many, many, many years, 12 until
once at the California Authority, same thing.

(19:36):
Then I got out and still did thesame thing, you know, ran drugs
for one of the cartels. You know, I would just ask who's
running drugs for cartel? Oh, OK.
Wish I didn't ask. Yeah, so.
A long time ago in Nogales, the tunnels, you know, were, were

(19:58):
there and I got always locked up.
And they, they found out that they were using those tunnels to
run a lot of drugs. This is early, think, 2000,
2001. Yeah.
I mean, drug trafficking, you name it, I was a part of it.
You can think about. I was probably a part of it,
yeah. Makes sense.
So I went to prison. And then I was introduced to

(20:19):
another level of violence. I was It's even more.
Violent in prison? I say it's got to be.
Right, there's a lot. More betrayal.
What one instant there was a an individual pushing another
individual on the yard. And usually you can tell there's
like telltale signs on the yard,like the yard gets really quiet

(20:39):
as opposed to a certain group, like you have tables and each
table belongs to a certain sect like Northerners, Southerners,
whites, blacks. And it just gets really quiet,
like eerie. And you like you can just feel
it like something is going to happen.
And sure enough, this one individual stabbed another
individual that was his cousin, stabbed him I don't know how

(21:00):
many times, 3040. I mean, he was stabbing him.
You have to keep going. Till the guard stops you right
like there was it. Was a blind spot.
So we're just we're literally just watching somebody get
stabbed. What we think is is to death.
But he hops out of the the wheelchair and he starts
defending his life. And you know, he, he, he just
you can you can hear even thoughit was from here to probably

(21:24):
where, where the television is at in your living room.
You can hear because the the thethe blade was was really who
called them bone crushers. It was big.
Oh damn. And when you have a.
Blade going into flesh. It's like a like a a suction.
It's it's a suction, which is why certain knives out here have
it's serrated on on the blade for the suction.

(21:45):
Easier to go in and out. But in there there's no you.
So you literally have to. You hear it.
You hear it? So you hear it go in and you're
like sucking and it's just. Over and over and.
Now I remember thinking to myself, then finally the R goes
down and he he shoots and he throws the weapon and and you
did the the the gargle. That you hear.

(22:07):
Is is it's it's not. It's not a movie.
You know to to. They don't die easy you.
Mean no. They don't die.
And when? You get stabbed, you don't go
down. The adrenaline.
Kicks in and the first thing you're going to do is defend
yourself. I've never seen anybody get
stabbed in prison and go down. Really.
They will defend themselves because that's just human

(22:27):
reaction. Doesn't mean they're going to
make it. It's just instantaneous.
Like you. It's not a movie.
How do you deal with? Those images in your head, do
they still bother you? No, they come in your dreams.
Actually lately. I've been having a lot of, I
want to say nightmares of me being incarcerated.
Know when I'm incarcerated, certain feelings pop up and I
have to, I have to remind myselfthat that's not me anymore.

(22:50):
I have to remind myself that that's not my life anymore.
And I don't know what actually triggers all of these dreams of
being incarcerated. And I wake up sometimes I wake
up sweaty and these memories of of just me not being able to
open up the door in the cell andsitting there.
The longest I spent in the cell was 2 1/2 years in a room

(23:10):
smaller than way smaller than this.
Just I was so pale I was white. Like how?
Did you get out each day? No.
No, like I did, I didn't get out.
Yeah, because when you're on lockdown, I don't think many
people. Could maintain their sanity.
Yeah, it it. Wasn't it wasn't administrative
segregation or or the whole it was just the yard just kept

(23:31):
getting into so many riots and so many and so much conflicts
locked everyone down. Yeah, so we.
Would get like periodical showers and so they crack your
door and then you go into the shower then you have to lock the
shower. That was that was about it.
So you went from one door down the tier to a shower back in and
sometimes we didn't get showers we were supposed to so we don't
we don't get the things that we think we're owed when we're

(23:54):
killing each other, which was crazy right because you they're
literally killing one another and the correction officers come
in, they clean up the mess and then you're you know, screaming
bloody murder because you didn'tget your meal on time.
And that's pretty much how it is.
And now that I think about, it'slike, oh, I mean, you don't
deserve a fucking meal. Like you just killed somebody.
If you stop and think about it like you took another life and

(24:16):
you guys are complaining about meals but you still have to
treat them as humans because they are even though we don't
get treated like humans in certain facilities.
And you're, you understand now that, yeah, I committed crimes
like, oh, now I do. But at the time, although this
is ridiculous angry, I mean, howare how dare you come into my
cell that I completely bored up and I refuse to show you, you

(24:40):
know that I'm still here. It's called account time.
But I'm going to decide to put apaper on this window and I'm
going to wait for you to come and extract me with with Mace
and and hand hand grenades and concussion grenades and more
Mace and more. And I'm just going to stay in
here. Yep, and I'm just going to stay
in here and then break out the back window so that I can
breathe a little bit more and then get pissed off when you

(25:01):
come in and I got to fight you and then write a six O 2 about
it was a 60. 20 like a complaint, a complaint.
A complaint for excessive force.That's.
Good dude. It's not funny, but that's
that's kind of funny in a way. And these are real.
Stories, I mean, these, these, these are things that I, that I
participated in, these are things that I, that I, that I

(25:22):
voluntarily said, OK, I'll do it.
Why not? And at the time it was normal.
So in the midst of all of that, I'm still trying to find a way
to get out. While doing all.
Of these things and while visually seeing all of these
things are. After you had your epiphany.
Oh yeah. Wow.

(25:42):
Oh yeah, this is that's, yeah, people getting stabbed,
correctional officers having to put their foot on somebody's
neck 'cause they're bleeding to death, seeing so many fights and
and blind spots and you get some.
Do it. You do.
I mean, do you, you know, peoplerunning by you stabbing somebody
in front of you? It's just keep on.

(26:02):
I want to get my food. I want, I want you want, can I,
can I get my food, you know, because then when you go down,
the yard goes down. It takes a while, you know, then
they start sometimes you're on that yard for a very, very long
time. And then and you know, in high
desert, it snows up there. And I remember one time we're in
the yard for like 3 hours in thesnow naked.
Somebody got killed. So they got to, you know, it's

(26:23):
just process, procedure. You get strip searched naked.
There's women out there. We complain, I complain.
That's about the six O 2 decent exposure.
I was just looking for a reason.Just hear my voice.
That was I was. Mr. Hear my voice.
You will hear my voice. You will give me the respect
that I demand because where do you think?
That came from hear my voice. Angry I was.

(26:45):
Angry I was angry from my my dadbeating me.
I was angry for being in prison.I was angry because somebody
told on me. I was angry because the person
that I had a son with didn't wait for me.
The trauma behind that I had to get, I had to, I had to find out
on a phone call that, you know, she decided to not wait for me

(27:05):
from her. From Yeah, from.
No, from somebody else, from theother guy.
Yeah, from the. Other guy.
So I had a lot of hatred. You know, as one of my friends
said, all he wants to do is listen to Eminem and stab
people. Because Eminem at the.
Time was really big, so I just listened to Eminem and and I
could see how you'd. Relate to that.
He's got a lot of that that samekind of anger.

(27:26):
Yeah, we figured. You know, 1999, 2002, 1001, I
mean, I spent my 21st birthday in a prison riot that was
orchestrated so that we can possibly kill one individual.
So we we had a lapse of different.
Fights that happened. From 1:00 building to another to

(27:48):
another to another, because you only have so many correction
officers. So you want to make sure that
you have all the correction officers on one specific
location so that we can get to another location where there's
nobody, there's nobody in there.Those orchids.
That was my 21st birthday, I mean.
I have a lot of. Stories and a lot of memories,
but I try not to think about them.
Sure. But talking about it initially,

(28:12):
like when I started my YouTube channel, I brought back trauma
that that lingered for about a week.
Like the first time I told my story was during the pandemic at
Sierra College on on a Zoom for the criminal justice class.
And that was the first time thatI actually spoke about who I
was. And I it.
For for a week I just, I, I feltterrible.

(28:34):
Like what did it feel? Like.
Like I was an. Imposter like I, I didn't
deserve anything that I have. Like how can I, how can I have
all of the things that I have? And I just told you about my,
my, my background, my past, spending time in prison, all the
things that I did in prison, allof the, the harm that I, that I

(28:55):
caused on people. But then again, it was also
being caused on me as well too. So it wasn't random people.
It was just this, this gang violence and it's prison.
What, what do you expect? You you go to prison being a
gang member. Guess what?
There's more gang members in there.
Then you get introduced to more gangs, more betrayals, more
people telling you that they have your back and they don't.

(29:18):
So it's a vicious cycle. So I got to know the insurance
and outs about how cruel humanity can really, really be.
So it it helped me. Do you think most?
People are good. I think we are.
We're all good. We're all bad.
I don't. Think we're we're born bad?
I think maybe it's circumstantial.
And then as a kid, at 10, my mind wasn't even fully

(29:41):
developed. Like, what really did I know at
10:00? You got to think about it like
it. You have kids.
Yeah. What's the ages 12 and?
Seven, your 12 year old. Shoot somebody like really stop
and think about that. So crazy.
Where'd they get the? Gun from 12?
Where'd they get the gun from? Who do they know that has a gun?
What possibly went into their head so I got the I'm I'm going

(30:06):
to shoot this person when this person is my dad that.
That'd be. You that's, that's, that's where
I was at. Like that's how much I hated
this person at 12. I mean, at 10 I was already in
gangs and it's, it's, it's a lotof violence and, and I was beat
a lot. It wasn't like I was beat with

(30:26):
like a hand slap or I mean, I was beat with a belt with a I
had, I had markings all the time.
And when I went to school one time and I couldn't even lean
back because my back hurt so much.
And a teacher barely spoke English and you know, they
pulled my shirt up and it just, it was just so bloody and, and,
and it was terrible. Called my parents in and, and

(30:49):
you know this, you can't do thathere in America.
And what, what happened at my ass beat when I got home for
telling. So that was like, I can't say
anything. I'm just I'm, I'm, I'm fucked.
So. Where all this?
Violence and pain from pain, probably from pain and anger.
And I and I became into a certain body where I can cause
damage and I can defend myself. And I just carried.

(31:11):
On like. At 13.
That was the last time my dad hit me.
And vividly. Remember.
He cold cocked me, socked me in the back of my head and I turned
around closed fists. Oh yeah, I was.
Yeah, but all the time until I Ioutgrew him and then I called
him out. I said, you know, I want to
fight. You come outside and I cuss at

(31:32):
him and I told him he never hit me again.
I'll kill you. And did he?
No, he never hit me again. But I made many attempts to kill
him. I've shoved many guns in his
throat. I remember 11 time he beat my
mom and I came downstairs and I had AI.
Can't remember the gun it was, but I remember just grabbing his

(31:53):
neck and I put the the gun in his mouth and and I wanted to
kill him so bad. Ever since I was a kid I wanted
to kill him. And then my mom came grabbed me
and she just started crying. She just told me last thing
about you last thing about him, just leave him alone.
And I didn't kill him then because of my mom and and still
but I just didn't understand whyshe loved him and I couldn't

(32:15):
understand it. And then I took the gun out of
his mouth and he just starts talking shit to me.
He's my, it's, you know, and I was like, I don't understand
this. That happened on many occasions.
So I really wanted to kill him. He'd get drunk and I would talk
to him and I would tell him, I said, you know, I just really
want to kill you and fucking hate you.

(32:35):
And he's like, well, I hate you too.
And yeah, we had a very distasteful relationship when I
got out of prison. Last person I wanted to kill
when I got out of prison. Up shoved the.
Water hose in his mouth and I and and he was gargling and and
that what that he's just had a way to get under my skin.

(32:58):
He's the only man that just had a way to get under my skin and
and he was just toxic. He's about them.
Was he violent before he like? Was he was in the?
Military in Romania. He was in the military.
From my understanding at the time, it was dictatorship.
So Nikolai Ceausescu was the dictator.
And he did get a visa, took seven years just before I was

(33:20):
even born. And then he gets the visa and we
all come over here from Romania.I try to justify why he was the
way that he was. You know, I put myself in his
shoes many times. You know, probably had
everything he could have ever wanted there.
He was in the military so he hadeverything.
He had a good job. From my understanding, he did
electrical work for one of the most beautiful countries in

(33:42):
Romania called Arad and he did all of the electrical work in
the, I want to say in the 70s. So he was somebody of influence
in a communistic country, but hestill wanted more and better for
us. And it comes to America doesn't
speak the language. Things don't pan out the way
that he probably wants. He's probably bitter angry mood
Alabama than Texas. Same thing works for like

(34:04):
Continental airline, just randomjobs, something like no career.
Then we moved to Sacramento and then in Oak Park.
And then he still doesn't land anything.
You know, he dumps her dives. He brought home food from from
the dumpsters because we're poor.
I didn't have a lot, you know, So you got to think about it.
He's probably suffering from embarrassment.

(34:26):
Like I can't, I can't take care of my family the way that I did.
So he's probably just mad. So he just drank himself to
every day. He's an alcoholic.
That's that. Was my dad.
But he always got up. And went to work every day no
matter how. Much he drank no matter.
I learned that from him, too. He taught me what not to do.
He taught me not to be a dad, not not to be a man.

(34:48):
Don't hate women. Have respect for.
Them because all I have is sisters.
He'd yell at everybody, just disrespect everybody and might
see my mom cry so many times andI knew that she hated them, but
she just couldn't leave them and.
I never. Understood why and I told myself

(35:09):
I would never be in relationshipor or treat somebody like that
and not violently like physically violent and then I'm
going to find out with even in in my marriage I got I was I was
no different my ex marriage I was I was I was an asshole.
And I. Didn't realize it and which is
why I took the relationship coaching.

(35:30):
Another thing that I took. So I took this coaching that.
Supposed to last. Six months, I completed it three
times over. In six months I devoured it.
I would go work, come home, go work, come home, just devour and
so then. That built self-awareness of
shitty behavior that you as a man with.
A woman, absolutely that was. Such a Dick in my 30s, I was not

(35:51):
going to be married to. I get it.
Yeah, well, I've only. Been in three relationships
since being out of prison. I had a ex fiance, I have an
ex-wife and now Tina. That's three and 14 years.
My 14th year is coming up on the17th.
So on 14 years I've been in three relationships other than
that, just been sex. That's it.
I mean, can can a man really saythat he respects women if.

(36:15):
That's all he wants. Is sex from them when a woman
wants more than that? I don't think I was.
Ready like I thought I was. And I was a hard pill to
swallow. So what do I do?
I learned how to be better. It's what I've done in my own
entire. Life.
Like people have. Doubted me, nobody can learn
that fast. And my coaches were calling me

(36:36):
and said you're the only one in our program that's actually
completed at 100%. And at that time, you're you're
a walking billboard of like whatit looks like to be to improve.
Yourself, basically. And I don't do it.
For anybody else, I do it for me.
Yeah. Like, even in prison, like all
the guards told me I wasn't going to do it.
They doubt why you read, you know, you work out all the time.

(36:59):
Why do you work out so hard? Like, that was my that was my
drug. I stopped using drugs, stop
drinking and just engulfed myself in fitness.
So my mom died. I was into working out, but I
wasn't that into working out themoment that she died while I was
on the phone. Something.
Just clicked. And also my level of grievance

(37:21):
was much different. I had to, I had to like keep
everything, you know, together. So I got off the phone, I walked
up the stairs, walked in a cell.My grievance time was from the
bottom of the stairs to the top of the stairs.
And I had to run through all my grievances and all of my pain.
And then I would go to the yard,I'd work out and I'd cry by
myself. And then I just, I didn't let
anybody see anything. And I was defiant in there too.

(37:42):
Like because it would rain. I don't want to go out and make
the corrections officers go out because it was raining.
Nobody wants to go out and rain.I want to go out only one doing
lunges on the yard for hour and a half till yard recall.
I literally beat my body to death.
Like I broke both my toenails. We're working out too much.
We didn't have no air in the cell.
Almost got into a fight with my my Sally at the time because I

(38:04):
wanted to work. I was addicted to working out.
It was like, I have an addictivepersonality and when somebody
tells me I can't do something, alright, watch me, but I don't
really use the words watch me, my actions.
I just, I just do it and I'm very quiet about it.
And then before you know it, youdon't even know where I'm at or
what I'm doing or how successfulI'm at because I'm just so

(38:24):
quiet. I do a lot of.
Thinking I still read, I, I, I listen to a lot of podcasts and,
and, and all of the things that that they say are just the, the
repeats of everything I learned in prison.
I haven't learned anything new out here that I didn't learn in
prison from all of the self helpliterature.
It's regurgitated, but in a manner that applies to the

(38:48):
people in the audience today. So everybody's got.
Their own style, regurgitating the same material and that
attracts an audience that comes that's comfortable with that
style, but essentially it's the same.
Wow. What do you think the core
messaging of self help is? I mean, I feel like I've
recreated myself I don't know how many different times.

(39:08):
Yeah, necessity is a big one. I don't think that I would have
that I would have. People will not change unless
it's out of necessity. And and out of necessity we will
change the rate that you change.I can't.
I can't tell you what that is. Some people are faster, some
people are slower. I like to say that I'm on an

(39:30):
accelerated program. You can condense the amount of
change, but you know, we all want change, but out of
necessity only. I want to be a better man.
For who? For you or for your friend or
for your wife or for your girlfriend.
We all say it, but then we fall right back into our traps of
habits. So to have like long lasting

(39:51):
change, you need to be very, very aware of your shortcomings,
how you talk to people or how you talk to women.
And you need to catch yourself in the moment.
I told you in the living room that while I was in prison for
12 years, all I did was live in my mind in the past.
That's mental. So the past is all in your mind,
but the future. Is actually in you moving

(40:12):
forward. So it's in acting.
So when I was in prison, all in my mind passed thinking.
All my regrets, the things that I did, the people that left me.
I mean, after a while, everybodywas gone besides my sister and
maybe a couple, one or two friends.
That's it. 12, everybody forgetsabout you.
I started having dreams of just being in prison.
After 10 years, all of my dreamswere in prison.

(40:32):
I couldn't even go to sleep and not dream about prison because
that's all I did. Wow.
And it was, I was just, I'm justin this constant Groundhog Day
over and over. And then when I got out of
prison, what do you think I did?All I did was think about the
future, what's next, what's next, what's next.
And then I missed out on a lot of opportunities, like in the
moment. Because you weren't in the

(40:54):
moment. I wasn't.
I was always thinking. About what's next, what's next,
what's next? How do you stay in the moment?
Now. Out of necessity, my girlfriend
is is a is a huge anchor on on. I want to be a better man for
her. I I know.
That I'm a, I'm a good man for alot of my clients.

(41:15):
I mean, I have 12 to 13 appointments a day and they all
care about me. And how do I know?
Because they show up for me. I'm in, I'm having a party on
Saturday. Probably going to be about 100
people there. I had one previous year and at
my clients friends, Danielle is right in Roseville and he's
like, he tells me he has a couple people coming next.
You know, my whole restaurant's full, you know, and then I tried

(41:37):
to do a roasting and they couldn't roast me.
They everybody had wonderful things to say.
And one of them was I don't knowif I can get this many people to
my funeral, let alone just to itto his birthday.
I want to be present because there's a lot of people in my
life that I feel are hurting andare in pain.
I and I. And and if I can take that pain
away, I feel honored because I've caused so much pain.

(42:14):
I don't know if I can ever repayor my axe will ever repay all of
the harm that I've done. Or the lives that.
Aren't even here anymore. And I know that.
That was me, but it's not who I am and I still live with a lot
of guilt. And even though I live with a

(42:36):
lot of guilt like we all do, I still feel like I can make
something to myself because that's the last thing I told my
mom. On that phone.
Call. Yeah, so.
Maybe I maybe I'm not doing it just for me.
Maybe I'm doing it for? You asked me last.
Time if I was religious, maybe I'm doing it in hopes that maybe

(42:56):
she'll be proud or that I reallystick it to my father because I
fucking can't stand that man. Like I'm going to be a good man.
Fuck you. Yeah.
You're still angry at him. He's the.
He's the only man that just. He's just a piece.

(43:19):
Of shit like I've been around a lot of people in prison, but
man, that he's just the biggest piece of shit that I have ever
met and he. I get a quality.
For a man, because he knew how to actually pinpoint all of your
flaws and all of your weaknessesand just dig and dig and dig.
And I was like, how the hell does he do that?

(43:41):
How does he know how to what to say, how to say?
And I get a lot of qualities from him.
I get a lot of qualities from mymom.
She was very, very quiet and shewas very observant.
And my dad was very loud, manipulative.
He can get anything he want to get the gap.
And sometimes. I feel like I have the best of
both worlds where I can speak ina manner where it evokes a lot

(44:03):
of transformation in people. And I want to use it in a
positive way because I use it ina negative way for many years.
So when I train somebody, I I don't, I don't train them.
There's, it's a lot more than just sets and reps Like I want
to impact your life. I know you come to the facility
and you want weight loss or you want to do a bodybuilding show,
but I want to impact your life and I want to leave you better

(44:25):
than how I found you. That's fucking beautiful, man.
That's what I do and that's whatseparates me.
Same thing when the podcast thatI did with ISA, what separates
me, I do it because there's people that will never get out
of prison. My perspective is so different.
I'm not just a trainer. I use that modality to move the

(44:46):
body because I do believe that afit body is definitely much
better than an unfit body. Definitely in prison, out of
prison. And I think now more and more
people are starting to realize that.
But when I hear. People talk about.
Fitness, like I got online coaching and you know, people
like, oh, you can make much moremoney.
I know that I can make a lot more money, but I don't think

(45:08):
that I can impact as many lives as I do now.
It's no matter how many online clients you have, they're not
going to really get to know me and I'm not going to really get
to know them. By sending them programs that
they can get for free and I'm charging them, we can get that
stuff online for free. My mission is to impact lives,
and I can't do that online through random workouts and
programming because that's not what I do.

(45:30):
Like I need this. One-on-one connection and I
think our phones are taken away from that.
It's the biggest connection, which is why a lot of us are
disconnected in restaurants. I see couples, imaginary couples
there. Everybody's on their phone.
That's mind. Blowing even trainers.
Trainers are on their phone all the time, you know?
And then I look around, I'm like, this is such bullshit

(45:54):
because this person is coming toyou asking for help.
How? Can that?
Is what that is. How can you?
Help them while being distracted.
You can. You can't even help yourself,
let alone help somebody else. I learned all this.
In prison, I think, I think comeout of here and learn any of
this stuff. I'm just applying everything I

(46:14):
learned in prison because it saved my life.
And most people aren't here, aren't living for their life.
You know, we're not hunting for food.
We're not having. Yeah, we're not surviving.
We're not. We're.
We're actually just on autopilottoo much.
Abundance. Almost too many resources.

(46:35):
It's also. Information overload.
I don't think we need more information.
I think we just need more application.
Less information, more application, small principles,
and just do and and really, really be a good person the same
way that I was a bad person. Is the same.
Way that I am a good person withthe same intensity.

(46:55):
What does that mean to you to bea good person?
Oh, help. Give.
Nobody really cares about my opinions and what I can do for
them until I show them that I care about them and you.
Show them by staying present, staying off your phone and.

(47:16):
I show them by sometimes giving them free training some of my
clients struggle financially with.
With Bills. And I understand that.
And then I'll give somebody a month or two-month free
training. I've done it plenty of times
because I actually care, never actually verbally told it, and

(47:37):
I've never spoke that out. I go above and beyond.
If I know genuinely that I can impact somebody's life but they
can't pay me, I'll train them for free.
I don't do. That a lot, but how can you say
that you that you were passionate about what you do and
the only thing you focusing on is your bottom dollar?

(48:01):
You you really want to impact life?
Will you do it for free? That's a fucking great question
to ask yourself. There's a lot.
Of motivational coaches out there, like I've reached out to
a couple of them, you know, asking me for 10,000 dollars,
$5000. I'm thinking to myself.
You just got. Done telling me that you see

(48:22):
something in me, yeah, that you feel is different, but yet
you're still trying to monetize,which I'm not discrediting that
at all. I like to just put my my money
where my mouth is at. So the people that I have in.
My life, the reason that I can gather so many people all the
time is because we have intimaterelationships.

(48:43):
Intimate, not sexually intimate,but intimate in terms of mental
intimacy. And in prison I learned that
that's extremely important because that's how you bond with
people. You talk and you communicate and
it's a lost heart. Like me and my girlfriend talk
all the time, all the time. Like we'd love talking to one
another. If you can find somebody that
you can talk to, they will. They'll cherish that and give

(49:05):
them undivided attention in thathour.
Most people don't get that undivided attention for one
hour, 3 * a week, one time a week.
They're significant others and give it to them.
I know because I hear all the complaints.
So they work out and they talk to you about their life and
yeah. It's I'm like a like a
therapist. I think.
Like I said, I have about 35,000hours of training.

(49:30):
That's 35,000 conversations. You don't think I'm asking the
same questions? You don't think I'm I'm doing my
homework. I'm trying to pick brain.
That's how I got out of prison. I interviewed people that were
constantly getting in and out ofprison.
They told me everything I neededto know.
I didn't know how to stay out ofprison because I've never been
out of prison. But there's many people that
come in and out of prison. So I use that to my advantage to

(49:52):
find out what not. To do correct one person at a
time. Really, really all.
I did was I just watched people like a zoologist.
I just watched, I watched everybody, the movements or
patterns. And I'm like, OK, I need to not
do that. OK, they're watching too much
television. I got to stop watching
television in prison. No TV.
Oh. Wow, for a year.
Oh, so you started. Doing that stuff in prison,

(50:15):
getting ready to not come back to prison.
I knew that I. Wasn't going to be able to do
this in two weeks because every time I talk to somebody, they'd
stop smoking, stop drinking and then or a party the day before
and I'm like, you're just going to take the same habits out.
Every person that did that came back.
Don't do that. It's simple.
Life will leave clues. You just got to watch them if
you're not distracted. Even even now, like people get

(50:37):
so bent out of shape with who's president, who's not president.
And I don't have any control that.
I mean, I lost my my voting rights, so I don't really have
any control. But I don't I still don't watch
a lot of TV, don't watch the news.
I don't know what's really goingon in terms of like current
events. And yet my life is amazing.
But yet, if you ask somebody else, their life's horrible.
True. I'm breathing.

(50:58):
The same air you are. My perspective is different and
I choose to pay attention to different things.
So what you? Focus on will ultimately expand.
Watch the same news broadcastingstation they're getting giving
you certain images. Or guess what, you're constantly
going to be thinking about that doom and gloom.
Last I checked, people have beendying for years.

(51:21):
Wars have been going on for many, many years.
We're always going to get a president that we can't seem to
like or or or understand becausethey're telling us one thing and
yet they're doing something elsewhen they're in office.
That's called politics. The worst politics is prison
politics. Very familiar with politics.
There's no difference between prison politics, national
politics, local politics. They're just being ran by other

(51:44):
people. Same thing in.
Prison, it's just it's it's greed, it's it's a number of
different things that people want to accomplish.
So whether it's politics out here, because they're ambitious
power, same way in prison power,you give a criminal power over
other criminals. What do you think's going to

(52:04):
happen? Corruption, betrayal,
backstabbing, favoritism, all ofthese things that we're not
supposed to be doing. This person stabbed my cousin on
the streets. Now I'm going to get him, but
I'm not going to do it because Istill want to smoke get high.
I still want to have my little freedom, what little freedom I
have. I don't want to go to the whole,
so I'm going to send somebody else to do it.

(52:24):
Did you develop? A drug problem ever in there?
No, I know. I've never been addicted to to
alcohol, never been addicted to drugs in there.
The types of drugs that I did was smoke weed.
And even after a while I stoppedsmoking weed because the
thoughts in my head were so negative.
I thought my my cellmate was going to kill me.
Oh, paranoid. Par I was.

(52:45):
So I said no more than no, I did.
I did make alcohol while I was in prison only to sell only to
sell. So because it tastes like shit
is the smells like feet taste like shit.
So to the point where I was so notorious for making alcohol
that I almost died in prison because I had an appendicitis.
So one, I think it was two yearsin in high desert.

(53:10):
I was so notorious for making alcohol that, that I had a
stomach ache and we're on lockdown and I said my, I really
need to see the nurse because like, you know, I'm not eating.
And then my cellie would go out and he'd tell him I hate, you
know, like he's, he hasn't eaten, he hasn't went to the
bathroom, he hasn't eaten. He's just like he's with and
away up there and do nothing. Two days nothing.

(53:32):
Like I was in so much pain. I don't know what was going on
at the time other than I was throwing up.
I didn't have an appetite. I would eat like crackers and I
would throw it up. My bowel movement stopped.
It was terrible. I was like, what the fuck is
wrong with me? I thought I was just sick.
Now he's probably just hungover because he always makes alcohol.
Three days they left me in therelike that.
And then finally one of the nurses, I got up because I was
on medication shows what's wrongwith you.

(53:55):
And I said, I've been like this for for three days, Like I'm
just trying to get some medical attention.
This is like, I'm, I'm, I'm in so much pain.
She hits her butt and the Sergeant comes.
He's like, oh, he's just hungover.
Like, we're not going to help him.
She's like, are you for real? Like somebody needs to like,
help him. They brought me down.
I'll go down to the medical and they're like, we think he may

(54:16):
have a pen. I don't know what appendicitis
was. Appendicitis.
They touched on it. I was just so much pain.
They took me to the hospital. I had a temperature of 108°.
Oh. Were you conscious?
I was. Damn, are you tripping?
At that point, like I know you've done psychedelics.
Is it like I didn't do any psychic?

(54:37):
I don't know 108 humans are not capable of of what you can't
108° They were they, they were surprised that I was still
alive. They said we we, they brought so
much ice and I was on a table and I was shaking uncontrollably
and they operated on me. In the moment that they cut into

(54:57):
me, my appendix ruptured and they said that if I had not come
like right at that second year, I would have, I would have died.
And I didn't. I didn't understand it.
And even now I think about, I tell people, 100, they don't
believe me, 108 and even the correction officers, like we've
never 100. I said 108.
They're like, holy shit. They're like, he should have

(55:19):
been here a long time ago. That's prison.
So I'm I'm. I'm I'm here because I'm not
even supposed to be here. I could have got.
Shot so many times. I could have got stabbed so many
times. And.
Until you actually. Have some type.

(55:40):
Of meaning to why you're here. You're just going to keep
existing, and every single reason or why you can't
accomplish something is always going to be more important than
that reason. My reason is much greater.
Like I genuinely. Just want to help because I've
caused so much harm. Fuck, man.
I believe you. And and I.

(56:01):
Don't know if I can help enough people.
Also another reason why I'm justbeing more vocal about it.
I can only talk to so many people, but if somebody hears
this and is in pain and is dealing with things, that you're
not alone, but you also don't have to choose to remain in
pain. You don't have to.

(56:21):
Choose to live with your trauma and you don't have to choose to
accept trauma as a way of life. So let it go.
I got to talk to so many people and they're like, oh, well, I
don't understand. I always get that you don't.
I don't understand why your lifeis so different and you are the
way that you are. So I'm, I, you don't think that
I have trauma. I just don't choose to to, to,
to live in that trauma and to have these thoughts and these

(56:45):
things that happen to me in prison dictate how I'm supposed
to be treating people. I'm not jaded by humanity.
I've been fucked over by humanity.
I've been I've been lied to, cheated, We're all good and
we're all bad. We're all good.
And bad it's it's in US. It's just what are we feeding?

(57:06):
Damn, that's profound. I I, I I.
Fed bad for many years. Just look at I get I'm not I'm
not, I'm not keeping anything off of the table, being as raw
as as possible. I've I've I've I've hurt people.
I was a career criminal. Well, you just look up.
My name, I have a very, very close friend now he's in law

(57:27):
enforcement and he didn't know anything about any of this.
And I was embarrassed to talk about it for a long time and and
when I got when I get close to somebody.
That's not what I lead. With hey, by the way, I'm also a
convicted felon and he's in law enforcement, but he's a really
good friend of mine and his Sergeant called him in and he
goes to the individual that you're associating with.

(57:49):
They follow the tattoos. He was like, go ahead.
That's Joseph. He was well, how how much you
know about him either? I just know that he's training
my, my then girlfriend and he's,he's a good guy and I don't
know, he turns the screen aroundand just my whole rap sheet pops
up. That you know about.
This about and he was like Nope,turn the screen back said I
don't know that person, but I know the person today that's not
him. And then he came.

(58:11):
And told me he's like, he just didn't tell me.
And I said because I had a shameand embarrassment.
I don't want to lose your friendship.
He goes probably you, you you should write a book.
You're fucking I I work in law enforcement.
I know the the dudes that I get off the street and and all the
fucking shit. What you've done is is probably
so hard to do. I mean, there's people out there

(58:32):
I'm sure that are probably spending so much time, but it's
not that you've. Just stayed.
Out like you're, you're, you're impacting lives.
Like what you do for a living isnot just you got out and you,
you clock in and you and you, you're stocking shells with like
boxers and like you touch so many people.

(58:53):
Which is probably why so. Many people show up to my events
because I hold no judgement and they all come from different
walks of life. And it's just most recently that
I feel more comfortable sharing and and talking about it because
I'm not as shameful about it. I mean I've talked about it with
my close friends and it's I've been recorded before and I've
been asked to write books. But maybe I'll do it when I'm

(59:15):
ready or I just don't know what path or how to start.
I'm also still a full time trainer.
Part time. Podcast and part time.
More people on the interviews with me.
I've just been living my life based on how I envisioned it
when I was in prison for 12 years.
So yeah, 12. Years of not being out, but look

(59:36):
at my 14 year track record, all the lives that I've impacted and
the promotions that I've had with gyms and along the way, my
life hasn't been easy. I've been in a lot of pain, you
know, been suicidal. When I got divorced, I was
suicidal. And that's how I got into my
relationship coaching because myfriend Russell, he said I can't

(59:59):
help you, I love you. But.
I can't help you. He goes call this person and I
called him, had a conversation and signed up and look back and
now I'm a better man for Tina. Like, I know that I'm a good
man, but I I just wasn't a good man for somebody else at the

(01:00:19):
time. And I took full.
Responsibility for. For the person.
That I was and and all of the the the trauma that I still had
to had to work through. Wow, What are you most excited
about? Looking forward speaking.
More actually, something's using.

(01:00:41):
You to build something good man,and you're showing up.
I respect the shit out of it. It's not easy to share this
stuff and dig deep and have to look at it and do it in service
to other. It's obvious you're trying to
help people. I don't know what comes through
on camera, but I'm sitting here looking at you, man.
I just keep one foot in front ofthe other.
Dude. Something's, something's using

(01:01:01):
you. Something good?
Yeah. Thank you also too, you
mentioned my like, you know, with my YouTube channel, it's
like it's all over the place andI really don't know what I'm
doing with that either. I I'm just keep doing it.
I'm I'm. I'm just doing it, you know,
letters to my son. Is the channel?
Is that the handle at Letters tomy son?
Letters to my son. Yeah.
And I came up with that because I'm just trying to, it's, it's,

(01:01:23):
it's an extension of me trying to reach out to him just because
I don't have a relationship withhim.
Have you ever in prison? I would.
Ride him every single day yeah and I came up with that because
letters to my son in prison thatMiles.
My most flourishing relationshipwith him was in prison letters,
letters artwork. And then we just.

(01:01:45):
I got out. And if you wanted money, I
didn't really have the money to get.
I was like trying to get on my feet.
And then the people that raised them, they had more authority
than I did, rightfully so. I mean, I was waiting for 12
years. I'm not in denial.
But I didn't come out here, livemy life for somebody else.
As harsh as that. Sounds I didn't come out here
live my life for my son either because if I did, I don't know

(01:02:06):
if I would be the person that I am today.
So in the process of the man that I am today, I also lost my
son again. And.
There's no amount of I'm sorry that's going to make up for
that. Now it's just a matter of
whether or not I am forgiven. But I'm still going to continue
to live my life and I'm still going to continue to try to
impact and influence. People because I'm.

(01:02:29):
Not just going to live for one person, I'm going to live for me
and to impact lives. I didn't.
And I've also learned because the prison on how to shut
certain feelings down very fast just move in a different
direction. What do you mean by?
That. I'm I'm good at at still showing

(01:02:52):
up for people and showing up to work in a lot of pain.
A lot of bag I. Can tolerate a lot of pain.
Like I blew my my my groin and my testicle was swollen three
times its normal size and still showed up to work.
Frame my my right glute still showed up to work.
Short of me. Dying I will show up 102° fever

(01:03:18):
because other people need you. Yeah, I'll, I'll.
Show up at whatever capacity I'min.
The problem I see personally with a lot of people is we're
not willing to show up because we don't feel like it.
I don't feel well. Got a headache for something
like this. If I don't feel well, I was
probably not going to come across the best.
Which is why last week I couldn't.
God, I literally didn't feel well.
Like I don't want to present that on here.

(01:03:42):
Like I want to be well and I want to present my best self.
If it was the last time I was going to be on Earth, I'd
probably show up. We just need to show up for one
another more. And this is the way that I show
up by being present and not being distracted while I'm with
you. And I give that to Tina.
I give that to every single one of my appointments.
Damn I. Needed to hear that whoever

(01:04:03):
you're with, they get full Joseph.
I love that dude and and. In its most raw form as well.
You want to know about me? You want to know about like what
I did the previous night? You want to know about how I
managed to stay up all night andstill come in and and I?
What is it you want to know? I'm not.
Embarrassed. About anything that I do right
now, and I think a lot of peopleare.

(01:04:25):
Yeah, I think we're. We're embarrassed about maybe
our sexuality. We're embarrassed that maybe we
still dabble with certain drugs because because of the addiction
problem, not everybody is addicted to things.
It's not. A problem, but that the problem
is what the person themselves. It's not it like the whole thing

(01:04:45):
with guns. Is it the guns?
Is it the bullets? It's the person.
Last I checked when I was a criminal, didn't matter what the
gun laws were, I was still getting guns and bullets, but it
was me. Good point.
It was still. Me at the bottom line, look at
me now. And now I don't have access to
getting all kinds of guns and firearms and I can't own it so

(01:05:06):
but I don't have any, but I can,so it's still me.
So everything starts and ends with us.
And I think if we just stopped and realized that instead of
always. Waiting for.
Something else for somebody else.
I can't do this because somebodyelse.
It's not the right time. I don't know if I can accomplish
that because my wife, my husband, my kid.

(01:05:27):
If you're an. Amazing person for you, then
your wife and your kids will benefit.
But if you're constantly puttingthings off for them and saying
that it's for them and it's not making you a better person, I
think you're doing them a disservice.
You're showing up for them at 70% of you rather than 100.
I'd rather show. Up at 100% of who I am and my

(01:05:47):
authentic raw self. And maybe run the risk of maybe
I say something that doesn't really resonate with you, but
that's OK because I'm still going to say what I'm going to
say. I've been known to.
Do so. Whereas like Joe, you can't say
that. A lot of my friends are like
Joe, you can't say that. And I'm like, well, why not?
And they stop and. Think about it, what's not?
It's not socially accepted. I'm not here socially be

(01:06:07):
accepted. I've.
Been not accepted for many, manyyears and I think that we get
too wrapped up into how we're supposed to be and we lose track
of what about what what what do you want?
I'm supposed to be like this socially?
I'm supposed to be like this because my political viewpoints
pushes me in this direction. Well, what is it that you want?

(01:06:30):
I don't come. Across too many people that can
authentically tell me what they really, really want.
What do you want? Like, what do you want from
life? What do you want?
I know that you had a job you don't like and you just show up
and you're still trying to make ends meet, but what is it that
you really, really want? They probably don't.
Know too distracted. Wow, at least I.

(01:06:50):
Wasn't distracted in prison likeI had 12 years to figure it out
and that was by. Choice too.
You could have been distracted. How do?
You did you. Did you have to be like
unaffiliated before you leave? Like no, I was still.
I was still, I was still affiliated and like, I still ran
with the people that I ran with after prison.
Not. No, not after prison.
When I got out of prison, I was it OK?

(01:07:12):
I, I, I did not. I couldn't.
Yeah. Because then you would just be
asked to do things and you just go right back to what you were
doing. So I knew that I needed shelter
and my shelter was with my son and his guardians.
But then we had a falling out and then I moved in with my
sister. Then my dad moved in with, with
them because we're we all knew one another.

(01:07:33):
And then I lived with my sister for, oh, it wasn't that long, a
few months, you know, and then Iwould clean her house because I
didn't have any money to pay. I would cook.
I would do whatever I can to like show my appreciation for
let me stay here. And then I moved out and then
never looked back. I just been on my own.

(01:07:55):
I never looked back. And my brother in law's a
correctional officer. He talks about me a lot to the,
to the inmates. I have a lot of correctional
officer friends, law enforcement.
So they often like, they asked me to come speak with the
Sheriff's Department and that's here at college or criminal
justice class. I do a lot of speakings with
them. So hopefully I get more
speakings and each one's different.

(01:08:18):
Yeah, each. Each.
One's just a little bit different.
You know, even with Angela, she's like, I'm going to figure
out like how we can something there.
I just, I don't I feel like too.She's feeling.
The same thing, yes. What you know.
Because we all hear stories, youknow, we're, there's very, very
popular famous people that, you know, do well things out of

(01:08:40):
prison. I'm not the only one.
But it's just it's not a very, very common theme.
Just I'm I'm. Not out there.
I'm my short my stories a littledifferent too.
Yeah, A. Little bit my my.
Viewpoints are much different. What things I participate in
right now are much different. I want to, my friend Jared says.

(01:09:00):
You know Joe likes to extract life.
Every day. And he wants to live life to to
the fullest because it may not be here tomorrow.
And I really, really try to do that.
That's why I try to. Show up for as many people as
possible and that's why. I am and.
I do what I do and I'm so present, like I'm, I'm hungry

(01:09:20):
for life in order to make any excuses for it.
So you last time I know you saidyou don't believe in God.
Do you believe in an afterlife or do you think this is it?
I I believe in energy, yeah. OK, so the energy leaves and

(01:09:44):
goes somewhere. Yeah, if I.
Mean if you if you stop and you stop and think about it, there's
so many. I don't know what your.
Religious beliefs are, but there's, there's monotheism.
And then prior to monotheism, there was Polly.
The Romans had it, the Egyptianshad it, Sumerians had, I mean,

(01:10:07):
they believed in, in different things.
I mean, I also stopped and thought about because I was in
prison when I studied religion, I thought about us that I'm in
an opportune position to actually experiencing what it
would be like to live back then,right.
Typically we, we, we, we utilizetoday with technology and we
read books and it's like they'refairy tales.

(01:10:28):
But these were written in a timefor people that were very, very
poor. And you had like aristocrats, so
kings and, and Queens and, and you had families.
And then you needed to keep the people tame like you calm.
So then you have these beliefs and, and if you keep people
focused on, on other things, distractions, and you'd be able

(01:10:50):
to, to keep them at Bay so that you can keep making your money
and doing your whatever it is that you're doing.
This is many, many years ago. And then all of a sudden you get
monotheism, Judaism, Judaism's first monotheistic God that came
out of Egypt. OK, So then you have the Jews.
And then from there you got Christians and then, of course,
simultaneously also have the Muslims.

(01:11:11):
So you have these three huge religions now back in a time
where it was still primarily multiple gods in slavery.
So they were enslaved. So I'm thinking to myself, well,
I mean, maybe somebody could have said, you know what, in
order to get these people out ofbeing slaves, I just need to be
their, their, their, their voiceof reason.

(01:11:32):
And then in the midst of all that, writings happen and you
get translated and translated and somebody else gets a hold of
it because it happens in prison.I wrote a an essay and I asked 5
different people to to copy it. Just copy it.
By the time I got back to me, itwas totally different.
I just had to. Copy it word for word.
But the problem is, is we take this and we're like, I can

(01:11:53):
spruce it up a bit. You mean to tell me that that's
not going to happen from all theway back then, the writings and
everything that happened even today, like we have new forms of
religions that's constantly forming beliefs.
I just got to the point where I was just so confused and try to
figure it out that none of them really spoke to me and they all
spoke the same language. There's something else out

(01:12:15):
there. Higher power do good things,
except one of them is more on. If you don't do these good
things, you're going to hell. But if you, if you ask for
forgiveness, then you'll be forgiven.
And I'm like, OK, well, I'll notjust be a good person and, and
not have to like completely justgo this way because they all
have good teachings. Muslims, Christians, they all

(01:12:38):
have phenomenal teachings, but they're all the same teachings.
Do good things. We're put on this earth to do
good things. Love one another, don't steal,
don't cheat. These are all just humans being
humans. But you put it in the hands of
somebody that's corrupt, like inprison, OK, They're going to
take this material and they're going to corrupt it and they're

(01:12:58):
going to use it to their own, totheir own benefit.
I see. And I and.
I seen the reality of that in prison.
People are just hiding behind it.
And I just, I read and I read and I, I, nothing really
gravitated towards me, but energy gravitated towards me in
prison. I would see things.
I don't know if there are peopleor I would hear things and I and

(01:13:20):
I would feel things and it was just it, it's eerie and there's
nobody there. And even now sometimes I'll,
I'll, I'll, I'll see like certain shadows and, and I
believe in energy. I don't know what these things
are. I'm not frightened because, you
know, like haunted house houses and I'm not really, that's not
really my thing. And I don't, I don't scare

(01:13:40):
easily. Like when I was in Romania, we
went through a cemetery. I got excited just to see how
many dead people were there and you know what their life was
like at that time. I was religious at one time,
like my parents were religious. I grew up Roman Orthodox that we
prayed all the time. And I just, I don't want to say
that I lost my way. I just, I found another way and

(01:14:02):
it speaks to me by just being good and somebody comes across
that I like and he or she is a Christian.
I don't care. He or she is a Jew.
I don't care. He or she is.
I don't really care about what your religious beliefs are.
But if you're a good person, that's what I care about.
Because I've met many Christiansand many Jews and many Muslims

(01:14:23):
that killed just because they had to.
So that makes them bad. They just, they do like it to
get all the wars that we have over religion.
So if religion is that good, then why are we killing one
another? And it's all in the Bible or in
the Quran or whatever our, our book is that that we follow.

(01:14:44):
Violence is just a way of life. But I but I don't want to stand
for violence, no matter what it is.
And religion just didn't really resonate with me in prison.
I didn't need it. I needed to find out who I was.
I didn't need more distractions to to to.
Serve. Somebody else I needed to figure
out what I needed to do for me to be free.

(01:15:08):
And what that? Was was to figure out who the
hell I was Remove. Distractions.
I didn't want to. Pick up any more distractions
now, I probably would have been very religious, taking into
account how much to read and howengulfed I get in books and I
would have been I probably wouldhave been super, you know,
religion. I would have been preaching and.

(01:15:28):
I. Did I just didn't go that I just
didn't resonate with me well? You are being good now.
You are helping a lot of people with your stories and your
fearlessness and it, I know it'sprobably not easy thinking about
these things and you're really doing this to help other people.
So I I just keep doing it, dude.Yeah, I wouldn't say.

(01:15:49):
Fearless because I I still have fear.
I'm just, I'm courageous. So in.
In courage. Moving through the fear.
OK, yeah. I I.
Would say that I'm definitely courageous.
I'm not. I'm not fearless.
I'm, I'm, I have a lot of fear. That's relieving to hear, yeah,
But fear? Doesn't govern me.
I'm not going to be ruled by my fear or for my, my, my thoughts

(01:16:11):
that aren't going to provoke me to, to act.
I'll I'll hear them, but I'm going to quiet them down really
quickly with action and move in a different direction.
Our brain is just created to survive.
It's not created to to make us thrive and to be successful.
That's us. We want that.
We. But then the moment that we get
really, really good at the things that we're good at and we

(01:16:32):
become successful, guess what? That little voice inside says?
You shouldn't be doing this. You should be something else.
Guilt sets in. Before you know it, you're
you're beating yourself up, stinking, thinking.
Yeah. Thinking.
Thinking anything else you. Want to share or say or yeah?
Thank you. Yeah, you're.
Welcome. I know.

(01:16:54):
I think you. Mentioned that you started this
because your your daughter had cancer.
And so, yeah, lost my mom to cancer and lost my dad to
cancer, which I don't really care about, but I'm 40, I'll be
46 Friday. And and I know that I'm, I'm,
I'm creeping into that age whereI'll probably end up dying of

(01:17:15):
cancer. Just I, I and, and something, I
don't know, something is tellingme that it's going to be sooner
rather than later, really. And, and, and I think that these
these speakings and these and inthese recordings, if if it does
happen to be that way, I just want to leave something that
that that that's memorable and actually die knowing that I

(01:17:40):
stood for something more than just took from somebody.
And that's want to thank you. Yeah, dude.
You're welcome man Thank you. Keep saying yes dude.
Something is building something with your brother and it's going
to help a lot of people. This talk is going to help a lot
of people. Thank you.

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