October 14, 2020 • 17 mins
Intimacy and connection with others are basic human needs. Dating, which is the entry point to intimate relationships should therefore be straightforward right? Not quite. Dating can be fun, but it can also be tricky and daunting to some people.
In this episode, Ella, who has an intellectual disability, shares her insights into the challenges of dating for people with intellectual disability and gives some of her personal tips on using apps, making conversation and staying safe when on a date.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Fiona (00:00):
Hi everyone.
And thanks for listening toVisibility, the monthly podcast
produced by CID, the Council forIntellectual Disability.
Here, we will be telling ourstories, and exploring some of
the issues that impact peoplewith intellectual disability.
To find out more about our workvisit www.cid.org.au.
Now, settle in and enjoy.
Music (00:25):
[ CID's podcast tune]
Adele (00:30):
In the spirit of reconciliation the Council for
Intellectual Disabilityacknowledges the Traditional
Custodians of country throughoutAustralia and their connections
to land, sea and community.
We pay our respects to theirelders past and present and
extend that respect to allaboriginal and Torres Strait
Islander peoples today.
(00:30):
Hi, I'm Adele and I work with the Council for Intellectual
Disability.
You're listening to the firstepisode of our monthly podcast,
Visibility.
In this series we'll be talkingabout relationships.
And in this first episode aboutdating.
I'm here speaking with Ella.
Welcome Ella, how are you today?
Ella (00:49):
Pretty well thanks.
Adele (00:50):
That is good.
So we've got you here because Iunderstand that you have some
really interesting experiencesthat would be great to share
with people, about your datingcareer and, as an adult, how
that's been for you.
Ella (01:07):
Actually, it's been pretty well, like it's been an
adventure.
It's like a story I would liketo tell people with intellectual
disability in general.
I think when you go out datingpeople, you want to fine tune.
You want a date first.
What you like to do?
Hobbies?
It's been very interesting.
I've dated a range of people.
Adele (01:26):
So in your experience, like how, how were your family
about you wanting to sort ofstart dating people?
Ella (01:33):
I think they were a bit nervous at first, but you know
how families are, you know, whenyou first have a boyfriend or
girlfriend, they get a bitnervous because they don't want
to see your child gettingheartbroken.
So, you know, they just kind oftry and say, all right, just
take care of yourself, you know,and make sure you feel
comfortable.
Make sure they're not going todo anything to you.
(01:55):
You know, just, you know, besafe.
Adele (01:57):
Absolutely.
And that's, it's the same foreverybody, isn't it?
Very much so.
You're always your parents'child, aren't you?
I mean, you've got siblingshaven't you Ella?
Ella (02:06):
Yes.
Adele (02:06):
Because you have an intellectual disability, did
your parents worry about youjust a bit more?
Ella (02:13):
Yes, because some people might take advantage of you
because you have an intellectualdisability or they might, you
know, I'm just like I've hadpast people have been a bit mean
because of my intellectualdisability.
They think,'Oh well, she's notvery smart, well I can just do
this, do that.'
Adele (02:35):
So there's lots of different ways that you can meet
people these days, isn't there?
Ella (02:39):
Yeah, you can go out to clubs, pubs.
You can even go out on datingapps!
Adele (02:44):
Ooh.
Do you want to tell us a littlebit more about your experience
with dating apps?
Ella (02:48):
Dating apps have been pretty good.
I met a few people from'meetme'.
It's a very good site becauseyou make friendships, date and
yeah, it's pretty good.
I liked because you know, if youdon't want to date, you can just
make friends, build a bond withfriends, you know.
It doesn't have to always bedating.
It's very good.
Yeah, you just gotta be safe onit, you know, because I feel
(03:12):
like when I went on it, when Ifirst went on the dating app, I
didn't know how to do it.
Adele (03:17):
If you've been in a situation where you've had
someone through the app approachyou and you weren't quite sure
about them, or you were a bitconfused.
Was there things that you did tohelp you out?
Ella (03:30):
There's some things that I was a bit alert on.
Like sometimes I wouldn'tunderstand people's writing
feels too long, like paragraph,you know.
I was seeing a person and theywould write these long messages
that didn't make sense.
And you're just l ike, huh?
What?
Why?
Okay.
So I was always good to get afriend or next door neighbor or
(03:54):
you know, your parents or yourbrother and sister, and always,
they can c heck their backgroundthrough Facebook, Instagram, y
ou k now, anything social media.
Because you know, sometimes,always good just to look at
their background.
It's very important.
You know.
Adele (04:11):
It is so important to get to know someone before you
actually start going into arelationship, And relationships
are all different kinds.
Aren't they?
They're friends and colleaguesas well as partners and lovers.
So just you were mentioning,what I think is a really great
tip, to go onto the type of appswhere it's about meeting and
(04:33):
friendships.
And then if something developsfrom there.
But I mean, it's tricky, likesetting up a profile, how did
you go setting up your firstprofile?
Ella (04:41):
Aaah well.
[Laughs] I sometimes didn'tunderstand it.
So they would say put your emailin or put your Facebook in.
And sometimes I found it a bitweird because I thought, Oh, all
them people will know me on myFacebook.
Then some people just messageme.
That's fine.
If you know them, that's allgood.
But I think it's better to besafe to just put your email in.
(05:05):
And then after that, just deleteit if you don't like it.
Because if you put it on yourFacebook all the people can just
still message straight after,you know?
Adele (05:13):
So setting up your profile, Ella, did you do that
yourself or did you do it with afriend?
Ella (05:19):
I did it by myself.
I was eager to do it by myself.
You know, I wanted to learn newskills and I did.
I just went on to meet me,downloaded the app, read about
the comments, if it was good orbad, make sure if it was safe.
And it was, so it was good.
And that's how I met a fewfriends actually from there.
(05:40):
I'm still in contact with them.
So it's really good.
Adele (05:43):
Like knowing what's real and what's not though, like, you
know, the internet is aninteresting place, isn't it?
How did you find it?
Ella (05:50):
That's absolutely right.
Because you can tell who's fakeand who's real.
Adele (05:57):
Oooh.
[Laughs] How?
Ella (05:57):
Okay, well, I have a story.
It's a bit embarrassing.
But it's funny.
So I thought I had this personas my friend.
Then I realized it was a robot.
It was not, it was, you know,those people that, you know how.
I was talking to one of them.
Adele (06:18):
It's an automated kind of generated, not person thing.
Ella (06:25):
Yes.
At the end of the day.
And I was embarrassed!
Adele (06:29):
I'm sure I've heard of that.
And it's very, very common.
And so how did you know thatthis, that the supposed person
on the other end of the chat,wasn't really a person.
How did you find out?
Ella (06:42):
Because I asked him to send me a picture, and they
wouldn't.
Then I just thought, well, thisis a bit weird and shady.
So I'm just gonna.
Adele (06:51):
Yeah.
Well, Ella, that's a really goodpoint.
So I guess how do we know what'sreal and what's not?
That's a great story.
And you know, millions of peoplehave been in that same
situation.
But you were smart enough to gohang on a minute, if you can't
send me a picture of your faceso I can see who I'm talking
with, then clearly you're not aperson.
So that would be a good, sort ofhint, I guess.
Ella (07:13):
And if they have a fake profile picture- which you'll
know straight away if it's afake profile picture- don't talk
to them.
Just move on.
Adele (07:23):
How do you know it's a fake profile picture Ella?
Ella (07:25):
Because there's people who have real pictures like me.
I put a real picture.
I don't put fake profilepictures.
It's people assume that you'rethat girl when you're not.
Adele (07:36):
How can you tell though?
Ella (07:37):
Actually, funny story is, I had one person that looked
really good and a person whoactually looked like that
actually.
It's funny, but sometimes peopleput Photoshop to make them look
skinnier.
To make them look, like theyhave a big bum you know?
You can tell straight away.
I've learned with dating appsthat you have to make sure if
(08:00):
they're real or not.
Because at the end of the day,you could be just talking to
someone you don't know.
Like oh no gee what have I gotmyself into.
But I've been stuck in thatsituation, and that's how you
learn.
Adele (08:15):
OK, so this idea of trusting your instincts and
safety while dating sounds likesomething we should really talk
more about.
Let's just go to a short breakand then we'll get straight back
into it.
Fiona (08:25):
You're listening to visibility, the podcast produced
by the Council for IntellectualDisability.
If you're enjoying this episode,you can support us by reviewing
us through Apple, Podchaser oryour favorite listening app.
Adele (08:41):
Welcome back.
We're talking with Ella aboutdating when you have an
intellectual disability.
Before the break, we'd startedto talk about trusting your
instincts when dating.
But I'm curious Ella to knowyour thoughts about if there are
other steps that people couldtake to stay safe.
So, you know, just say you'vebeen chatting with someone and
you're ready to meet up withthem.
(09:03):
Can you give us some thoughts oradvice about how you might do
that safely?
Ella (09:08):
Uh, yes.
Always meet in a public place.
That's always a good tip.
And make sure if it's theafternoon, or the morning, if
you feel comfortable.
I feel like it's always safe todo, I feel like for me, it's
always better to do morningbecause you have the whole day
to plan what you want to do.
If you do the afternoon, youknow, it might be, you know, you
(09:30):
go out by four or five or six inthe afternoon or evening, that
is going to get too late and youkind of get a bit scared.
Where oh my God I'm going to bestuck.
How am I going to get home?
It's always better to do itmorning or the afternoon.
Or if they're going to be home,that's always good too.
But you always gotta be safe.
You know, you've got to get toknow them more, not just take
(09:53):
them straight away in your car,you know.
Adele (09:56):
Ella, would you say that, I mean, you just mentioned that
perhaps you'd feel safer duringdaylight hours.
So would you say that, likemaybe you might, you know, meet
up at a cafe or something likethat?
So to have a bit of a day dateto start?
Ella (10:12):
Yeah.
If it's a real date, like a daydate, where you're getting to
know the person and you two arel ike, oh, okay.
Let's catch up here.
A ll r ight.
Awesome.
U m, and you know, a nd you seewhere you go from there i n the
morning, and if you guys arestill doing really good then
maybe do something in the nighttime.
Like take a break, go back home,do whatever, then go back.
(10:32):
You know, you can plan the dayby going t o Lunar Park, or go
to the zoo.
You know, you just g otta pickwhat you want in your day.
If you're into hiking, horseriding, bushwalking, anything.
But like I said, get to know theperson more before y ou go on a
(10:52):
date.
Adele (10:53):
Yeah.
That's a really good tip aswell, Ella.
So I'm hearing things like, youknow, if you need support to set
up your profile, do that.
I'm hearing that.
It's really important to get toknow someone as a bit of a
friend first.
So maybe consider some of those,um, apps that are more like
friendship based to start with.
(11:13):
I'm also hearing that you needto consider the times of day
that you feel comfortablemeeting with someone.
And always meet someone inpublic, in a public place.
Ella (11:23):
And oh I forgot- always missing something- always make
sure you have someone as abackup call if the date goes
wrong.
Adele (11:29):
Oooh, I've seen this in movies.
Explain the backup call, Ella.
Ella (11:36):
OK, well, it's kind of funny.
If the date goes pear shaped, Iget someone to call me to get me
back.
Like,"yeah, sure.
Okay.
I need to go home.
Oh.
So I need to help someone athome.
See you later, but thank you somuch.
Good day.
Bye"
Adele (11:50):
So it's a bit like a pretend call, like a get out of
jail free card.
You get one of your mates tocall you an hour in.
Ella (11:56):
Yes.
If the date is good, just leaveit to say, yeah I'm doing great,
talk to you later.
Or if the date's going reallybad, just give me a call please.
Adele (12:06):
That's also a good safety thing too Ella, isn't it?
That you, that you have at leastone person who knows where you
are at the time and is clocking,whether you're okay.
Yeah.
So funny in the movies, but alsoI think yeah.And i
Ella (12:21):
And in real life, because you know, the date goes
pear-shaped, like I said,sometimes dates do not end very
well.
And sometimes you think oh myGod, what if I got myself into?
This guy's so boring me outtalking about trains or buses.
Adele (12:41):
Is that your, is that your sign?
That this is not going to work?
As soon as public transportcomes up, you're out.
Ella (12:49):
[Laughs]
Adele (12:49):
So I guess, you know, we're really talking here about
opening up to the idea thateverybody wants relationships on
some level and everybody wantsaccess to like-minded people.
And everybody wants to beattracted to someone and fall in
love.
Ella (13:03):
Of course! It's like, you know, you want that experience.
You don't want to m iss o ut.
You know, you want to have agood life, you know, a healthy
life.
You've just g ot t o be carefulwhat places you go and[take]
steps with who you date.
Like, b ut if you know theperson, then you're going to be
fine.
And if they do like you, allwarts and all, then they are
good, good heart.
(13:24):
You d on't w ant s omeone that's not going to treat you
respectfully and is just goingto use you and not like you.
Adele (13:30):
Yeah.
I agree.
And so speaking about theelephant in the room, at what
point, did you find that it wasimportant for you to talk about
your disability?
Not talk about it at all?
How did that work for you?
Because I imagine there wasdifferent responses from
different people.
Ella (13:47):
I think once you build that friendship up and we get to
know you more, I think tellingyour story is good.
But you know, if you feelcomfortable telling them the
story straight away, then theyshould understand.
Or maybe if they don'tunderstand, maybe just move on
and move on to the next person.
Cause you know, there's alwaysthe Mr right there.
(14:07):
So you just gotta be sure thatthe person you want to date the
guy or whoever girl, you know,can respect you.
Because everyone in this worldwants respect and love, not want
to be treated badly, you know?
And at the end of the day,everyone wants respect.
Adele (14:25):
Totally.
Don't we.
Don't, we all Ella tell me whatis the weirdest date you've ever
been on?
Ella (14:32):
So I went on a date with this guy, and it was awful.
So we went to a restaurant, likea restaurant cafe.
And we sat there, we got somedrinks, like some Coke and
lemonade and he didn't talk atall.
And he was on his phone, justflicking through, and I was
chatting, you know, trying toget to know him.
(14:55):
And he was just, didn't give adamn.
He was just like, nuh, nuh.
And I said,"Oh, what would youlike to do after?" And he goes,
"I probably just want to gohome." So after like an hour or
two, he just wanted to leave.
And then I was like we nevertalked and then we just kind of
left.
Adele (15:14):
Well, that made that easy though.
Imagine if he wanted to see youagain?
That would have been veryconfusing.
And I mean, Ella, that is agreat example though.
You don't know someone until youactually meet them face to face.
So being able to do that in acafe where you're safe.
And so, as much as you can chaton an app, you can text chat
people.
Have you, have you ever done,like where you phone chat with
(15:38):
people again before you meetthem?
Ella (15:40):
Oh yeah.
I've done video chats.
I said, oh would you like me todo a video call?
I think it'd be better if we dothe face to face and they go,
sure.
That's great.
If they're not, it's just like,okay, well then just leave it
alone and see from there, or ifthey're just a bit nervous, you
can always talk to them on thephone, and go, okay now we've
talked on the phone a bit more,why don't we do a video chat?
Adele (16:04):
That's a great idea to really get to know whether the
person is real and genuine.
Ella, thank you so much forchatting with us today.
I think your experience and yourinsight into the world of dating
when you're a person with anintellectual disability.
And you're someone Ella who hasalways been a really positive
advocate for your peers.
(16:26):
And I really thank you for yourtime today here at CID and our
visibility podcast.
Ella (16:31):
Oh thank you.
I've enjoyed it.
And I hope people out there wholisten, enjoy it and learn.
I'm saying to everyone, who'sout there, you have a right to
date, whoever and whenever.
Don't let people stop you justbecause you have a disability,
you know?
Say I'm proud I have adisability.
Even if I have problems, I'mstill human.
(16:54):
You know, I may have a fewissues, but at the end of the
day, everyone has a few issues.
Adele (17:00):
Thanks so much, Ella, for everything you shared with us
today, it's been reallyinteresting and valuable.
You've been listening to CID'svisibility podcast.
And next month we'll be talkingwith Judith about the joys and
challenges of familyrelationships when you have an
intellectual disability.
We look forward to having youjoin us again then.
Thanks for listening.
Fiona (17:19):
You can support our podcast by leaving a review at
Apple or the listening app ofchoice.
Until next month.
Hi everyone.
And thanks for listening toVisibility, the monthly podcast
produced by CID, the Council forIntellectual Disability.
Here, we will be telling ourstories, and exploring some of
the issues that impact peoplewith intellectual disability.
To find out more about our workvisit www.cid.org.au.
Now, settle in and enjoy.
Music (00:25):
[ CID's podcast tune]
Adele (00:30):
In the spirit of reconciliation the Council for
Intellectual Disabilityacknowledges the Traditional
Custodians of country throughoutAustralia and their connections
to land, sea and community.
We pay our respects to theirelders past and present and
extend that respect to allaboriginal and Torres Strait
Islander peoples today.
(00:30):
Hi, I'm Adele and I work with the Council for Intellectual
Disability.
You're listening to the firstepisode of our monthly podcast,
Visibility.
In this series we'll be talkingabout relationships.
And in this first episode aboutdating.
I'm here speaking with Ella.
Welcome Ella, how are you today?
Ella (00:49):
Pretty well thanks.
Adele (00:50):
That is good.
So we've got you here because Iunderstand that you have some
really interesting experiencesthat would be great to share
with people, about your datingcareer and, as an adult, how
that's been for you.
Ella (01:07):
Actually, it's been pretty well, like it's been an
adventure.
It's like a story I would liketo tell people with intellectual
disability in general.
I think when you go out datingpeople, you want to fine tune.
You want a date first.
What you like to do?
Hobbies?
It's been very interesting.
I've dated a range of people.
Adele (01:26):
So in your experience, like how, how were your family
about you wanting to sort ofstart dating people?
Ella (01:33):
I think they were a bit nervous at first, but you know
how families are, you know, whenyou first have a boyfriend or
girlfriend, they get a bitnervous because they don't want
to see your child gettingheartbroken.
So, you know, they just kind oftry and say, all right, just
take care of yourself, you know,and make sure you feel
comfortable.
Make sure they're not going todo anything to you.
(01:55):
You know, just, you know, besafe.
Adele (01:57):
Absolutely.
And that's, it's the same foreverybody, isn't it?
Very much so.
You're always your parents'child, aren't you?
I mean, you've got siblingshaven't you Ella?
Ella (02:06):
Yes.
Adele (02:06):
Because you have an intellectual disability, did
your parents worry about youjust a bit more?
Ella (02:13):
Yes, because some people might take advantage of you
because you have an intellectualdisability or they might, you
know, I'm just like I've hadpast people have been a bit mean
because of my intellectualdisability.
They think,'Oh well, she's notvery smart, well I can just do
this, do that.'
Adele (02:35):
So there's lots of different ways that you can meet
people these days, isn't there?
Ella (02:39):
Yeah, you can go out to clubs, pubs.
You can even go out on datingapps!
Adele (02:44):
Ooh.
Do you want to tell us a littlebit more about your experience
with dating apps?
Ella (02:48):
Dating apps have been pretty good.
I met a few people from'meetme'.
It's a very good site becauseyou make friendships, date and
yeah, it's pretty good.
I liked because you know, if youdon't want to date, you can just
make friends, build a bond withfriends, you know.
It doesn't have to always bedating.
It's very good.
Yeah, you just gotta be safe onit, you know, because I feel
(03:12):
like when I went on it, when Ifirst went on the dating app, I
didn't know how to do it.
Adele (03:17):
If you've been in a situation where you've had
someone through the app approachyou and you weren't quite sure
about them, or you were a bitconfused.
Was there things that you did tohelp you out?
Ella (03:30):
There's some things that I was a bit alert on.
Like sometimes I wouldn'tunderstand people's writing
feels too long, like paragraph,you know.
I was seeing a person and theywould write these long messages
that didn't make sense.
And you're just l ike, huh?
What?
Why?
Okay.
So I was always good to get afriend or next door neighbor or
(03:54):
you know, your parents or yourbrother and sister, and always,
they can c heck their backgroundthrough Facebook, Instagram, y
ou k now, anything social media.
Because you know, sometimes,always good just to look at
their background.
It's very important.
You know.
Adele (04:11):
It is so important to get to know someone before you
actually start going into arelationship, And relationships
are all different kinds.
Aren't they?
They're friends and colleaguesas well as partners and lovers.
So just you were mentioning,what I think is a really great
tip, to go onto the type of appswhere it's about meeting and
(04:33):
friendships.
And then if something developsfrom there.
But I mean, it's tricky, likesetting up a profile, how did
you go setting up your firstprofile?
Ella (04:41):
Aaah well.
[Laughs] I sometimes didn'tunderstand it.
So they would say put your emailin or put your Facebook in.
And sometimes I found it a bitweird because I thought, Oh, all
them people will know me on myFacebook.
Then some people just messageme.
That's fine.
If you know them, that's allgood.
But I think it's better to besafe to just put your email in.
(05:05):
And then after that, just deleteit if you don't like it.
Because if you put it on yourFacebook all the people can just
still message straight after,you know?
Adele (05:13):
So setting up your profile, Ella, did you do that
yourself or did you do it with afriend?
Ella (05:19):
I did it by myself.
I was eager to do it by myself.
You know, I wanted to learn newskills and I did.
I just went on to meet me,downloaded the app, read about
the comments, if it was good orbad, make sure if it was safe.
And it was, so it was good.
And that's how I met a fewfriends actually from there.
(05:40):
I'm still in contact with them.
So it's really good.
Adele (05:43):
Like knowing what's real and what's not though, like, you
know, the internet is aninteresting place, isn't it?
How did you find it?
Ella (05:50):
That's absolutely right.
Because you can tell who's fakeand who's real.
Adele (05:57):
Oooh.
[Laughs] How?
Ella (05:57):
Okay, well, I have a story.
It's a bit embarrassing.
But it's funny.
So I thought I had this personas my friend.
Then I realized it was a robot.
It was not, it was, you know,those people that, you know how.
I was talking to one of them.
Adele (06:18):
It's an automated kind of generated, not person thing.
Ella (06:25):
Yes.
At the end of the day.
And I was embarrassed!
Adele (06:29):
I'm sure I've heard of that.
And it's very, very common.
And so how did you know thatthis, that the supposed person
on the other end of the chat,wasn't really a person.
How did you find out?
Ella (06:42):
Because I asked him to send me a picture, and they
wouldn't.
Then I just thought, well, thisis a bit weird and shady.
So I'm just gonna.
Adele (06:51):
Yeah.
Well, Ella, that's a really goodpoint.
So I guess how do we know what'sreal and what's not?
That's a great story.
And you know, millions of peoplehave been in that same
situation.
But you were smart enough to gohang on a minute, if you can't
send me a picture of your faceso I can see who I'm talking
with, then clearly you're not aperson.
So that would be a good, sort ofhint, I guess.
Ella (07:13):
And if they have a fake profile picture- which you'll
know straight away if it's afake profile picture- don't talk
to them.
Just move on.
Adele (07:23):
How do you know it's a fake profile picture Ella?
Ella (07:25):
Because there's people who have real pictures like me.
I put a real picture.
I don't put fake profilepictures.
It's people assume that you'rethat girl when you're not.
Adele (07:36):
How can you tell though?
Ella (07:37):
Actually, funny story is, I had one person that looked
really good and a person whoactually looked like that
actually.
It's funny, but sometimes peopleput Photoshop to make them look
skinnier.
To make them look, like theyhave a big bum you know?
You can tell straight away.
I've learned with dating appsthat you have to make sure if
(08:00):
they're real or not.
Because at the end of the day,you could be just talking to
someone you don't know.
Like oh no gee what have I gotmyself into.
But I've been stuck in thatsituation, and that's how you
learn.
Adele (08:15):
OK, so this idea of trusting your instincts and
safety while dating sounds likesomething we should really talk
more about.
Let's just go to a short breakand then we'll get straight back
into it.
Fiona (08:25):
You're listening to visibility, the podcast produced
by the Council for IntellectualDisability.
If you're enjoying this episode,you can support us by reviewing
us through Apple, Podchaser oryour favorite listening app.
Adele (08:41):
Welcome back.
We're talking with Ella aboutdating when you have an
intellectual disability.
Before the break, we'd startedto talk about trusting your
instincts when dating.
But I'm curious Ella to knowyour thoughts about if there are
other steps that people couldtake to stay safe.
So, you know, just say you'vebeen chatting with someone and
you're ready to meet up withthem.
(09:03):
Can you give us some thoughts oradvice about how you might do
that safely?
Ella (09:08):
Uh, yes.
Always meet in a public place.
That's always a good tip.
And make sure if it's theafternoon, or the morning, if
you feel comfortable.
I feel like it's always safe todo, I feel like for me, it's
always better to do morningbecause you have the whole day
to plan what you want to do.
If you do the afternoon, youknow, it might be, you know, you
(09:30):
go out by four or five or six inthe afternoon or evening, that
is going to get too late and youkind of get a bit scared.
Where oh my God I'm going to bestuck.
How am I going to get home?
It's always better to do itmorning or the afternoon.
Or if they're going to be home,that's always good too.
But you always gotta be safe.
You know, you've got to get toknow them more, not just take
(09:53):
them straight away in your car,you know.
Adele (09:56):
Ella, would you say that, I mean, you just mentioned that
perhaps you'd feel safer duringdaylight hours.
So would you say that, likemaybe you might, you know, meet
up at a cafe or something likethat?
So to have a bit of a day dateto start?
Ella (10:12):
Yeah.
If it's a real date, like a daydate, where you're getting to
know the person and you two arel ike, oh, okay.
Let's catch up here.
A ll r ight.
Awesome.
U m, and you know, a nd you seewhere you go from there i n the
morning, and if you guys arestill doing really good then
maybe do something in the nighttime.
Like take a break, go back home,do whatever, then go back.
(10:32):
You know, you can plan the dayby going t o Lunar Park, or go
to the zoo.
You know, you just g otta pickwhat you want in your day.
If you're into hiking, horseriding, bushwalking, anything.
But like I said, get to know theperson more before y ou go on a
(10:52):
date.
Adele (10:53):
Yeah.
That's a really good tip aswell, Ella.
So I'm hearing things like, youknow, if you need support to set
up your profile, do that.
I'm hearing that.
It's really important to get toknow someone as a bit of a
friend first.
So maybe consider some of those,um, apps that are more like
friendship based to start with.
(11:13):
I'm also hearing that you needto consider the times of day
that you feel comfortablemeeting with someone.
And always meet someone inpublic, in a public place.
Ella (11:23):
And oh I forgot- always missing something- always make
sure you have someone as abackup call if the date goes
wrong.
Adele (11:29):
Oooh, I've seen this in movies.
Explain the backup call, Ella.
Ella (11:36):
OK, well, it's kind of funny.
If the date goes pear shaped, Iget someone to call me to get me
back.
Like,"yeah, sure.
Okay.
I need to go home.
Oh.
So I need to help someone athome.
See you later, but thank you somuch.
Good day.
Bye"
Adele (11:50):
So it's a bit like a pretend call, like a get out of
jail free card.
You get one of your mates tocall you an hour in.
Ella (11:56):
Yes.
If the date is good, just leaveit to say, yeah I'm doing great,
talk to you later.
Or if the date's going reallybad, just give me a call please.
Adele (12:06):
That's also a good safety thing too Ella, isn't it?
That you, that you have at leastone person who knows where you
are at the time and is clocking,whether you're okay.
Yeah.
So funny in the movies, but alsoI think yeah.And i
Ella (12:21):
And in real life, because you know, the date goes
pear-shaped, like I said,sometimes dates do not end very
well.
And sometimes you think oh myGod, what if I got myself into?
This guy's so boring me outtalking about trains or buses.
Adele (12:41):
Is that your, is that your sign?
That this is not going to work?
As soon as public transportcomes up, you're out.
Ella (12:49):
[Laughs]
Adele (12:49):
So I guess, you know, we're really talking here about
opening up to the idea thateverybody wants relationships on
some level and everybody wantsaccess to like-minded people.
And everybody wants to beattracted to someone and fall in
love.
Ella (13:03):
Of course! It's like, you know, you want that experience.
You don't want to m iss o ut.
You know, you want to have agood life, you know, a healthy
life.
You've just g ot t o be carefulwhat places you go and[take]
steps with who you date.
Like, b ut if you know theperson, then you're going to be
fine.
And if they do like you, allwarts and all, then they are
good, good heart.
(13:24):
You d on't w ant s omeone that's not going to treat you
respectfully and is just goingto use you and not like you.
Adele (13:30):
Yeah.
I agree.
And so speaking about theelephant in the room, at what
point, did you find that it wasimportant for you to talk about
your disability?
Not talk about it at all?
How did that work for you?
Because I imagine there wasdifferent responses from
different people.
Ella (13:47):
I think once you build that friendship up and we get to
know you more, I think tellingyour story is good.
But you know, if you feelcomfortable telling them the
story straight away, then theyshould understand.
Or maybe if they don'tunderstand, maybe just move on
and move on to the next person.
Cause you know, there's alwaysthe Mr right there.
(14:07):
So you just gotta be sure thatthe person you want to date the
guy or whoever girl, you know,can respect you.
Because everyone in this worldwants respect and love, not want
to be treated badly, you know?
And at the end of the day,everyone wants respect.
Adele (14:25):
Totally.
Don't we.
Don't, we all Ella tell me whatis the weirdest date you've ever
been on?
Ella (14:32):
So I went on a date with this guy, and it was awful.
So we went to a restaurant, likea restaurant cafe.
And we sat there, we got somedrinks, like some Coke and
lemonade and he didn't talk atall.
And he was on his phone, justflicking through, and I was
chatting, you know, trying toget to know him.
(14:55):
And he was just, didn't give adamn.
He was just like, nuh, nuh.
And I said,"Oh, what would youlike to do after?" And he goes,
"I probably just want to gohome." So after like an hour or
two, he just wanted to leave.
And then I was like we nevertalked and then we just kind of
left.
Adele (15:14):
Well, that made that easy though.
Imagine if he wanted to see youagain?
That would have been veryconfusing.
And I mean, Ella, that is agreat example though.
You don't know someone until youactually meet them face to face.
So being able to do that in acafe where you're safe.
And so, as much as you can chaton an app, you can text chat
people.
Have you, have you ever done,like where you phone chat with
(15:38):
people again before you meetthem?
Ella (15:40):
Oh yeah.
I've done video chats.
I said, oh would you like me todo a video call?
I think it'd be better if we dothe face to face and they go,
sure.
That's great.
If they're not, it's just like,okay, well then just leave it
alone and see from there, or ifthey're just a bit nervous, you
can always talk to them on thephone, and go, okay now we've
talked on the phone a bit more,why don't we do a video chat?
Adele (16:04):
That's a great idea to really get to know whether the
person is real and genuine.
Ella, thank you so much forchatting with us today.
I think your experience and yourinsight into the world of dating
when you're a person with anintellectual disability.
And you're someone Ella who hasalways been a really positive
advocate for your peers.
(16:26):
And I really thank you for yourtime today here at CID and our
visibility podcast.
Ella (16:31):
Oh thank you.
I've enjoyed it.
And I hope people out there wholisten, enjoy it and learn.
I'm saying to everyone, who'sout there, you have a right to
date, whoever and whenever.
Don't let people stop you justbecause you have a disability,
you know?
Say I'm proud I have adisability.
Even if I have problems, I'mstill human.
(16:54):
You know, I may have a fewissues, but at the end of the
day, everyone has a few issues.
Adele (17:00):
Thanks so much, Ella, for everything you shared with us
today, it's been reallyinteresting and valuable.
You've been listening to CID'svisibility podcast.
And next month we'll be talkingwith Judith about the joys and
challenges of familyrelationships when you have an
intellectual disability.
We look forward to having youjoin us again then.
Thanks for listening.
Fiona (17:19):
You can support our podcast by leaving a review at
Apple or the listening app ofchoice.
Until next month.
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