May 8, 2025 • 54 mins
You're listening to the Best of VLM episode series featuring the most popular episodes of the Viva la Mami podcast!
In this episode, I delve into the all-too-common experiences of emotional dysregulation and ‘mom rage’ that many Latina moms face. Joined by licensed marriage and family therapist Jocelyn Flores, founder of Raíz Parenting, we discuss practical tools like mindful breathing techniques and setting healthy boundaries to help manage these overwhelming emotions.
Jocelyn also shares insights on the impact of our cultural background and the importance of self-compassion in the parenting journey. This is an authentic, judgment-free conversation aimed at providing support and reminding mamis that they are not alone in their struggles. We also explore how to break generational cycles of parenting and create a more emotionally secure environment for our children.
For full show notes, visit vivalamami.com/episode124
Connect with Jocelyn Flores
- Website: raiz-parenting.com
- Instagram: @raizparenting
Resources Mentioned:
- Get Raíz Parenting’s Break the Cycle Freebie: www.raiz-parenting.com/freebie
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Samson Q2U Microphone (00:00):
Hello.
You are listening to the best ofVLM episode series, which
showcases some of the mostpopular episodes of the Viva.
Mommy podcast.
This episode is one of those.
If you enjoy what you hear, makesure you subscribe and don't
forget to rate the show andwrite a review on apple podcasts
(00:21):
so that other mommies, like youcan find this podcast.
Out, let's get into the episode.
have you ever found yourselfyelling at your kids and
immediately feeling guilty aboutit?
Do you sometimes feel like youremotions are spiraling out of
control?
Leaving you wondering if you'rethe only mommy struggling to
(00:44):
keep it together?
Or maybe you've caught yourselfthinking.
I don't want to parent like myparents did, but I keep failing
into the same patterns.
Well, we'll head.
If you're nodding your headright now.
I totally get it.
I've been there and I am stillon the struggle bus.
(01:05):
Well On today's episode, this isexactly what you need to hear
Joining me today is Joslin.
FLOTUS a licensed marriage andfamily therapist.
Who's dedicated her career tohelping parents.
Become their children'semotional, safe Haven.
With over five years ofexperience, working with
(01:25):
families.
Jocelyn is the founder andcreator of rice parenting, where
she coaches, parents to show upmore confidently and securely in
their relationships with theirchildren.
And this episode, we're divingdeep into a topic that isn't
talked about enough, and that isemotional dysregulation and mom
(01:47):
rage, especially in our.
If you've ever felt overwhelmedby your emotions as a mama or
caught yourself reacting inother ways, in ways you later
regret this episode is for you.
Joscelyn shares practical toolsfor emotional regulation from
mindful breathing techniques tosetting healthy boundaries all
(02:09):
while honoring your culturalbackground and personal journey.
Together we're going to explorehow daily stressors affect our
nervous systems.
I discuss the importance ofself-compassion and learn about
cycle breaking parenting.
So get ready for an authenticjudgment-free conversation that
(02:29):
will remind you that you're notalone in this journey.
And that with the right toolsand support, you can become the
mama.
You aspire to be.
So without further ado, let'swelcome.
Jocelyn and FLOTUS from.Parenting.
jessica_1_10-02-2024_201 (03:52):
Hello, Jocelyn.
How are you?
jocelyn-flores_1_10-02-2024 (03:54):
I'm doing good.
How about yourself?
jessica_1_10-02-2024_201442 (03:57):
I am well.
Thank you so much for beinghere.
I really appreciate you creatinga space that is centered around
parenting and And that you areintentional because you bring a
lot of wealth of expertise.
And so I am just very excitedfor you to tell us a little bit
more about what emotionaldysregulation looks like for
(04:20):
mamas.
I don't think I've ever had thisconversation on the podcast, so
I am excited because This willdefinitely resonate a lot with
many mommies who are listeningon the show.
So, before we delve into thatconversation though, if you can
tell our listeners a little bitmore about yourself.
jocelyn-flores_1_10 (04:42):
Absolutely.
Yes.
Thank you.
I'm so honored to be here today.
I'm really excited to like yousaid, be talking to the mommies
out there, especially about thistopic.
This is a big part of what I do.
Day in and day out, but let mejump in and just break it down a
little bit for everybody.
I know you'll give them an introof me, but I'd love to kind of
just jump into that too.
So for listeners out there orviewers as well I'm Jocelyn
(05:06):
Flores.
I'm a licensed marriage andfamily therapist.
I'm also the founder of RaisParenting Rais for those who
don't know means roots, right?
Like the roots of a tree.
And this is where I serve as aparent coach to support mindful
parents, cycle breaking parents,right?
All those parents who are onthat journey to break harmful or
(05:28):
just not useful.
generational family cycles.
So in other words, and in otherwords, more normal words, I
teach parents how not to parentlike their parents did.
So that's what I do, but a bitabout me.
Cliff notes.
Cause if not, the girl can go onthe tangent.
And then it'll turn to a therapysession.
(05:49):
So I am first generation Latina,uh, the youngest of two
immigrants.
My dad is from Guatemala.
My mom is una mexicana, veryproud to be both.
I grew up in Orange County,California, a small town called
Tustin, predominantly Latinos alittle bit of everything, but
(06:11):
definitely we got our Latinoculture there.
And then throughout my life,I've moved all over California,
Southern California to bespecific.
And now I'm married, newlymarried in January, and I
married my college sweetheartand we're living in Arizona.
This is his home state.
So we've kind of been movingaround a bit.
(06:34):
Yeah,
jessica_1_10-02-2024_201442 (06:35):
out West.
You're
jocelyn-flores_1_10-02-202 (06:36):
yes, I'm still
jessica_1_10-02-2024_201442 (06:37):
a warm climate.
jocelyn-flores_1_10-02-2024 (06:39):
too warm, some would say, still
warm.
We're at the time of recording.
It is October for people and itis warm.
It is hot still.
It won't really cool down outhere until like the end of
October, which is mind blowingto me because being from
California, it's always a steady70 to 80 most of the time, and
(07:02):
then it'll fluctuate there.
You know throughout the months,but that's usually our our
weather.
So it's been a big adjustmentfor me But that's the the cliff
notes personal wise and thenprofessionally I like I shared
i'm a therapist.
I'm a licensed therapist.
I kind of always knew I wantedto work with people just because
or at least be a therapistbecause I really was so
(07:25):
intrigued by people's storiesLike I just knew we all had our
own narratives and we're all sodifferent, right?
Even siblings growing up in thesame household have different
narratives.
So that always fascinated me AndI was like, I want to give
people that space to share theirstories and to be heard so
that's why I chose therapy andNot sure if viewers know but
(07:48):
those who are getting gonna getto know me.
I'm also a child therapist So Ispecialize in working with
kiddos and families.
You And with that, I think mytrue gift in that has just been
patience, having the patience towork with parents and their
kiddos and having the empathybecause not a lot of people have
empathy for kiddos,unfortunately.
(08:09):
So that was my true calling,working with kids and with
families.
And that's where parent coachingstemmed because I saw that gap
in, in that support and thatparents needed that support and
that they're the change agents.
And all of this.
So I know I'm kind of going on atangent.
I prefaced and I warned thatthis could turn into a therapy
session, but that's really me.
(08:30):
Cliff notes all in all.
jessica_1_10-02-2024_20144 (08:32):
Yes.
Oh my gosh.
Well, thank you for thatintroduction and I'm learning a
lot about you now, so thank you,
jocelyn-flores_1_10-02-20 (08:41):
Yeah.
Yeah.
So thank you for the space.
Yeah.
And just letting me go on atangent.
jessica_1_10-02-2024_2014 (08:45):
Yeah, no, no, and and really I think
it's definitely important toshare about your expertise
because when you focus on aspecific area like, uh.
Child mental health.
It's not so you working directlywith the child.
It's the parents and that canmake an impact on the child's
(09:07):
mental health.
And now you are being veryintentional in working with
parents to make sure that theydon't repeat the cycle.
So yes, so thank you for sharingthat.
And when it comes to momsspecifically and their mental
health, a lot of the times wejust say, And oftentimes in our
(09:31):
culture, like we just blame momsque son bien enojonas, that they
have this rage, you know, que,oh, they're hormonal and all of
these, I would say types ofexcuses when we really don't
know the root cause.
of what emotional dysregulationis.
(09:51):
And so can you tell us a littlebit more about what emotional
dysregulation is and how doesthat show up in moms
specifically?
jocelyn-flores_1_10 (10:02):
Absolutely.
Oh my goodness.
So I have to, I have to say thisbecause this is such a buzzword
right now.
Regulation, right?
Like, and especially in ourfield is as coaches and like
parent coaches and mentalhealth, like those kind of
working in that space.
We have to remember that This isnot a common word.
This isn't a word that peopleuse all the time.
(10:25):
Right?
So if you don't mind, I wouldlove to break that down a little
bit, like break down
jessica_1_10-02-2024_2014 (10:29):
Yeah.
Hmm.
jocelyn-flores_1_ (10:30):
dysregulation of just a little bit.
So, in, in all honesty, I'mbeing candid.
I learned this word, even thoughI've been a clinician for over
five years and working withfamilies.
I learned this word like twoyears ago because it's, and it
finally sunk in because We throwit out and we're just like,
yeah, you need to regulate thisor you like, but we don't really
know what it means.
So all in all, I'm going tostart with just what regulation
(10:53):
means first.
And then I'm going to addeverything.
So regulation is essentiallythink of regulation, like
managing or controllingsomething, right?
Just, just even just the worditself.
So managing to control that'skind of the action of what
regulation does especially inthis context Okay in the context
of feelings.
(11:14):
So even that in itself.
I just gave it away.
So in the context of feelingsright emotional Regulation is
emotional control right beingable to manage our feelings
controlling our feelings and nowwhen we throw in the word
Dysregulation, meaning theinability to control that or the
inability to manage that.
(11:35):
I kind of just like to tellpeople it's just really your
feelings out of whack, right?
Like you are being thrown, yournervous system and all these
things are being thrown out ofwhack.
That is the dysregulation piece,right?
Especially again, emotionaldysregulation.
So, how do I describe this?
Like I said, so.
Because I work with kiddos and Iwork with parents.
(11:55):
I like to just explain that it'simportant to how would I say,
have almost like a toolbox.
This is why we talk about copingskills.
This is why we talk aboutlearning how to manage it.
Right?
Because.
It's so important to have thatalmost like that toolbox Like
when you have a toolbox youalways have a hammer and you
have a wrench you have all theseright?
I'm, not familiar.
(12:15):
Don't quote me.
I don't know all these tools,but you have different tools
same thing with your emotionalToolbox your coping skills,
right?
This is to help you regulatethis is kind of the concept to
answer your question of what isemotional dysregulation.
jessica_1_10-02-2024_201442 (12:32):
I appreciate you defining
emotional regulation, because ifwe don't know that, like, how
can we essentially connectedwith emotional dysregulation?
You know, Or better ourselves.
When we are experiencing that.
Yeah.
jocelyn-flores_1_10-02-202 (12:50):
That kind of just is what emotional
regulation and dysregulation isin, in its concept, right?
So that, that viewers orlisteners understand like, okay,
this is what we mean when we saythis word regulation, because it
is thrown around so much rightnow in the parenting world, you
hear words like co regulate,regulation, learning.
(13:11):
Yes.
Okay.
So I see you nodding your head.
So because, That's what itmeans.
It's learning how to co manageour feelings in the moment,
right?
So with moms, their nervoussystem or just even humans.
Okay.
So strip away the mom identity.
Just even humans, our nervoussystem is almost kind of like,
Think of it like, oh, the wayour brain and our body sends
(13:34):
messages to each other.
So it has like thisinterconnected, almost like,
okay, the telephone lines thatwe have, that's how we connect
to each other, right?
Through our cell towers.
That's kind of how the nervoussystem works.
So the reason I'm bringing thatup is because I'm going to talk
about moms nervous systems injust a second.
So with that, all those messagesare being sent constantly
(13:54):
throughout the body.
Yes?
So.
Think of a mom's nervous system.
Mom's nervous system's constantdifferent messages are being
sent from all over the place.
For example, I'm going to uselike a mom who is a toddler mom.
I think you're a toddler momright now.
Yes, a two, two under three.
Okay.
Okay.
So perfect.
You are my, my example
jessica_1_10-02-2024_201442 (14:14):
who are three and under.
jocelyn-flores_1_10-02-202 (14:15):
Yes, please correct me.
We can add more to it.
Even the nervous system of likebeing pulled from one place to
the other, you have screaminggoing on, you have crying on one
side, maybe you have one needingyou.
And then you also have thepositives.
You have like somebody playing,wanting to play, wanting your
attention.
Right?
So even that, that was fivedifferent things being pulled in
(14:37):
all those directions.
That is going to shoot up yournervous system and dysregulate
you.
Right.
That is going to, I know peoplecan't see me, but what I'm doing
is like almost like thatoutweighing of a scale.
Like it's going to just shiftthings very quickly for you.
So I don't know if you want tosay anything to that.
I don't want to overstep.
jessica_1_10-02-2024_2014 (14:58):
mean, that's definitely valid.
And I, even though I don't feelthat equilibrium, like where I'm
physically trying to balancemyself it's definitely.
Something that I can identifybased on my behaviors, my
(15:18):
actions, my words, even what mybody is telling me, whether if I
have this like tightness in mystomach, or I have sweaty palms,
like I, it's, And, and this,then when I'm getting to that
point, it leads into just rage,you know?
And I don't know if there's aconnection between once you are
(15:43):
in this sense of dysregulation,you know, does that then lead to
rage or all the feels that, youknow, your body is just trying
to express.
But that's definitely how Ifeel.
And this is more so, you know,when we are in, in a specific
schedule, like, for example,taking my three year old out at
(16:08):
the door for preschool, right?
Like, Oh my gosh, like I, I,feel like I get so dysregulated
because first of all, I am not amorning person whatsoever.
Like I love to sleep.
I love to sleep in and it sucksthat we have to conform to this
new schedule that Is based onthe school system, you know,
(16:28):
and, and now I'm just like, notonly pushing myself to get up,
but now I have to get the littleone get up and, and then it just
causes this plethora of justlike being so out of whack, like
how you said, you know, and thisis just in the essence of like
waking up to get to school,
jocelyn-flores_1_10-02-202 (16:49):
Yes.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Oh yeah.
Even as you said that I was, Iwas envisioning like almost like
the stacking of plates, likethings add up, they stack up.
Right.
And like you said, if your body,again, back to your nervous
system, if your nervous systemisn't, what is that saying?
Like you're not a, An earlybird, you're more like a night
(17:10):
owl or whatever, right?
But your nervousness, becausethat's true to us, like our
nervous systems, our circadianrhythms are so different.
So even if you're not that kindof person, but like you said,
you kind of have to acclimate toa certain schedule.
Now you're like, Oh man.
Okay.
This is overwhelming, right?
The stressor is a lot morestressful for you.
It's a lot bigger than it wouldbe for someone else who maybe
(17:32):
doesn't find it as stressful.
Right?
So now the, it's almost likethat, those sayings, like the
stacks, the, how do you say it?
The odds are stacked againstyou, that kind of thing.
Right.
And it can feel that way.
That's where the out of whack,like dysregulation, right.
Can kind of feel in the body.
Like you said, it can eventuallylead to that rage.
Yeah.
(17:53):
Mm hmm.
jessica_1_10-02-2024_201442 (17:53):
Mm hmm.
Yeah, it's so interesting.
Let's talk a little bit moreabout like, our nervous system a
little bit more.
In what ways can we identify ifour nervous system is being
triggered, based on this levelof dysregulation that we may
have?
jocelyn-flores_1_10-02-20 (18:14):
Yeah.
Yeah.
Okay.
So then I'll answer your firstquestion.
Let's the first one and thenI'll jump over.
Yeah.
So a little bit about thenervous system for folks.
Yeah.
So like I had shared earlier, sothink of the nervous system like
again, like I said, like, whatdid I call it?
Like almost these like differentcell towers, right?
Or, or I don't even know what dothey call it?
The telephone poles, like allthe lines, right?
(18:35):
Everything's interconnected.
We really are so interconnected.
So think of it like that.
That is what our nervous systemis for our body.
That's how our brain connects toour heart, which connects to our
stomach, which connects to ourbowel movements, whatever,
right?
Like we're all inner.
We're all connected.
We're all one being.
And I think that gets forgottenvery easily because especially
(18:56):
with the split of mental healthand like physical health, like
that's why a lot of cliniciansand a lot of experts are moving
towards a holistic, you hearthat a lot, holistic style.
And that's what that means.
It means we're going to takeinto account your nervous system
and your other internal systemsall as one.
(19:17):
So I wanted to connect it to alittle bit of how that affects
like that dysregulation thatyou're kind of asking about.
So was thinking of this example.
I'm like, okay, so it's anexample.
I usually share with parents.
So, An example I usually shareis like, okay, as for viewers,
the ones who are watching or theones who see me in person, they
know I have really bad eyesightbecause my glasses are super
(19:39):
thick.
So just warning people who can'thear me or can't see me, sorry,
and who can only hear me, I havereally bad eyesight.
So the example is about me.
So like if I was walking down adark alley or just even a dark
hallway, say that, I mightinstantly get really reactive
and really kind of go into fightor flight.
Because I'm seeing shadows and Ican't really quite perceive.
(20:01):
So that's just a quick way thatmy nervous system will shoot up
really quickly to protect me.
Okay, so it'll send my brainwill get scared and it'll send a
message to my body.
It's time to sweat.
It's time to run.
It's time to do all thesethings, right?
It's, it's dysregulated if thatmakes sense.
So pretty much that's how Iteach parents like, okay, this
(20:21):
is what your nervous systemdoes.
It's there to go into fight orflight or freeze.
mode.
Also, there's a fawn as wellnow.
And Think of it like on a scaleof 1 to 10, 10 being the
highest, my body just shot up,my, my, my nervous system just
shot up to an 8 or a 9, right?
So that's why I think about, torelation to moms, right?
(20:42):
And to parents who are kind ofgoing through this, they're not
constantly in in that situationof like, like in the situation
of like they're about to beattacked, like not that kind of
perception, but to some degree,right?
If parents are already, as yousaid, when you wake up and
you're already stressed out.
If parents are already at a outof that 10, a five or a six, can
(21:04):
you imagine having a toy thrownat you?
Can you imagine having your youinstantly shoot up your nervous
system does go into a bit ofthat fight or flight mode.
That's where that rate comesout.
I know I'm only talking aboutfight flight.
There's a few more fight, fight,freeze on for listeners.
But just for the sake of theexample, right?
It does go into fight or flightmode.
(21:26):
Mhm.
Right.
Either, like you said, fight orwhere the rage happens, or you
fight, you just like kind ofignore it or you just kind of
freeze to some degree.
Right.
So
jessica_1_10-02-2024_201442 (21:37):
Mm hmm.
And especially like from acultural standpoint, who the
heck.
Do our people talk about thenervous system?
To be honest, I've never heardof the nervous system and its
functionality until I went witha chiropractor.
And I guess, you know, there's aconnection, you know, whether if
it's like, Oh, or DNA, you know,it's whatever, but You know,
(22:04):
when we really talk about theseterms and words, like, how does
that really connect with ourlived experiences?
Like how, what kinds of examplesare there where we are able to
connect?
And that's why I'm here.
You're here, you know, uh, to,for us to have this
conversation, uh, so thatmommies can really identify
like, Oh, this, this is my livedexperience too.
(22:26):
And, And, yeah.
And, and so why do you think.
Moms specifically, struggle tostay regulated.
jocelyn-flores_1_10-02-202 (22:36):
Moms are being pulled from one part
to the other, right?
Again, like we shared I'm goingto use that same scale that I
just talked about a moment agois like on a scale of one to 10,
10 being like, let's say if 10is the highest it'll go.
Our nervous systems as moms areconstantly.
under stress and it's littlestressors, right?
(22:57):
And stress, I'm going to saystress in quotations because
stress is not always a badthing.
Like stress just means somethingthat's impacting you, right?
Like it just means when we saystressors, at least in the
mental health field, like it's,it's just something that's
happening.
That's all.
It's just another block in yourlife kind of thing.
But Those blocks, like we said,those dishes or whatever analogy
(23:18):
you want to use, those thingsadd up, right?
You have, whether you're a stayat home mom or a working mom,
like you have these stressors ofone taking care of this kiddo,
making sure this kiddo also islearning from me is keeping them
alive, right?
Like this other human being ontop of that, your own health,
your own self, you're definitelybeing pulled, not even talking
(23:39):
about, right.
Those who are partnered alsotaking care of partners, right?
Or also me taking, uh, work ifthose who are working.
So there's so many differentstressors that impact the
nervous system and impact thatdysregulation.
So if that's what you're, youwere asking like, it, it's just
a buildup of, of things and thatcan lead to overwhelm, which can
(24:03):
lead to like you shared rage,which can lead to burnout.
Right?
Because our nervous system isbeing revved up constantly.
And when I say revved up, youknow when a car, when you step
on it and it makes that like,sound like you're revving the
engine, that's what you're doingto your own engine constantly.
Did that, does that resonate
jessica_1_10-02-2024_20144 (24:25):
Yes.
Yes.
Yes, it does.
And I think it's not just theday to day things, like the
physical labor that we do from Idon't know, like prepping their
breakfast, prepping their lunchthe night before, doing the
physical labor, if you will.
But it's also the mental loadthat Our brains are constantly
(24:50):
wired, you know, to the T, likeI, and I feel like I never have
the sense of rest really,because I am not only on
survival mode because, we havetwo little ones, like it's just
nonstop, but it's also, Like,how do I even take care of
(25:13):
myself?
You know, by me like setting alist of things that I have to do
for my own health, like settingup that appointment that I've
been meaning to do for the pasttwo years to the, Gynecologist.
And so, there's just.
This whole running list in ourhead and for me, for some
reason, if I don't achieve thatrunning list, I get so
(25:38):
dysregulated because it's thatadded layer of the physical
things that I also have to do.
And so how can we kind of breakthat?
Like, what are yourrecommendations?
Um, Because I'm sure that many,you know, mamas that are
listening to this episode, theycan resonate.
With that, like we carry on somuch of that mental load that
(26:01):
and that in like labor, youknow, that we essentially do as
moms.
jocelyn-flores_1_10-02-2 (26:07):
That's kind of a loaded question.
Cause I'm like, I wish we coulddo like a therapy session right
now and start like breakingapart all the different, right.
But, but for listeners, yes.
I have to be mindful that thisis for listeners.
They're little things for them.
I don't want to overwhelm themwith like a lift of like, let's
peel apart the onion.
Right.
But.
To start, right?
To start, like you said, to meetyou where you're at in regards
(26:30):
to, like you said, not just thephysical things, but also the
mental things, right?
I'll give you two and these aretwo skills that are just in a
sense, kind of basic, but notreally because we easier said
than done, right?
Like, like you just shared, it'snot like you can just go and
like, you know, go to the spot.
I'm not going to recommend that,but these are things that you
(26:51):
carry with you constantly.
Yes, and again, they may not belife changing, but they will
make little baby steps to startand to start getting you to that
bridge or across that bridge ofwhat changes do you want to make
and also how to start toregulate as a whole being,
right?
Not just the mental part, themind, but also the body.
Okay so something as simple as.
(27:16):
I really liked emphasis on thisone.
This one is honing down on likebreathing.
I know that's going to like goone ear and one out the other
for a lot of people.
That's perfectly fine.
But there's such an importancein breathing cause we're
learning right now today aboutthe nervous system and
regulation and our breath.
It's so critical.
People forget that our breathis, again, we don't think about
(27:38):
us breathing.
Like we're probably not thinkingabout it until I said it right
now, right?
What our breath feels like.
Even mine right now.
I'm like, oh, I'm breathing kindof fast.
I'm maybe talking kind of fast.
So we don't, we're not mindfulof that all the time.
So those are the moments of uskind of like shifting back.
Like you said, I have this todo.
(27:58):
I have to sign this right now.
I have to go do this.
Oh my goodness.
And then I have me, how am Igoing to get through this?
Giving yourself that pause.
I'm just taking a breath andjust meeting yourself and
regulating, because it's not amagic pill, right?
Nothing is, but this is a placeto start and to take just one
baby step of, I'm going to takethis breath.
(28:22):
And it's not even just like abreath because everyone can take
a breath right now.
Right.
And just like, that's easy, butit's not right.
But it's not just that kind of abreath.
This is like, again, you are,you said the word earlier,
right?
You are rewiring your brain withthis breath.
That's how powerful these are.
They're not just, right,breaths.
(28:45):
Cause we all do that.
We breathe in and out every day,but we are mindfully rewiring
when, how to control andregulate our breath that is
regulating our nervous system,which in turn is reducing some
of that rage and maybe bringingdown a couple notches.
I'm not going to promise you'renot going to ever be in rage,
but it's definitely going tohelp you regulate a bit better.
(29:08):
So to, to share with yourlisteners, a breath is as simple
as this.
You can breathe in through yournose.
That's how I always teach it.
You breathe in through yournose, almost like you're
sniffing cookies.
That's the easiest way I knowhow to remind myself.
You breathe in through your noseand inhale for just a few
seconds.
And then you exhale through yourmouth like you're blowing out a
(29:30):
birthday candle, right?
It's very controlled But you dothat a couple of times and I
will say to fall uh to yourfollowers and to your listeners
I do I don't want to put aguarantee on it But I do promise
that you will start to seeshifts even maybe even instantly
as you start practicing itYou're going to start to notice.
Oh, whoa Okay, my kid just threwthis at me, and I'm really
(29:52):
pissed, but if I step away andjust take a couple of breaths,
now I can kind of meet them in adifferent spot, versus probably
yelling at them back, right?
Because that doesn't feel good,right?
We don't want to meet them inthat rage.
We want to meet them in, okay,I'm angry, but I'm not in rage.
jessica_1_10-02-2024_20144 (30:09):
it's so important to breathe.
Like I, it does, I feel so muchbetter.
And I think it's, it's, it'sIt's just like exercising,
right?
Like if you put your stepforward, like it's going to
work.
You're literally training yourbody to, in this case, regulate
itself.
And I think, yeah, that, thatcan be very helpful
jocelyn-flores_1_10 (30:33):
Absolutely.
Again, I'm, I stole your word,but you're rewiring your brain,
your nervous system.
And that's not even the mindpart, right?
Cause you had asked me like,what about the mindset?
Like that's more of like thephysical stuff.
What about like the mindsetalmost to that degree.
And again, hopefully thisdoesn't go one year and out the
other, but in reality, I like topractice this a lot and it's
(30:54):
just compassion.
I think we lack that forourselves so much, like we lack
being nice to ourselves, becausethe way we talk to ourselves is
critical.
Because, okay, same example,kiddo throws something at you
and you yell and then, orwhatever, right, you snap,
whatever kind of comes upbecause you're just on that
fight or flight, like we said,maybe more in that fight mode.
(31:16):
And then you yell and then kiddogoes away.
And you just feel like crap,like it doesn't feel good,
right?
You could really choose twothings.
You could choose to continue tobeat yourself up, and call
yourself a bad mom, and da da dada da, and go that route.
You really could choose to dothat, right?
We know the outcome of that,that doesn't feel good.
Or you could choose to say, Holdon a second.
(31:40):
Yes, I just did this and itdidn't feel good.
And maybe I will try my best notto do that anymore.
Something has to shift, right?
It's just that reflected piece.
Like something has to shift andmaybe this time I will go
apologize to my kid or maybe.
Next time it happens.
I will be more mindful that theyjust threw something at me.
So I need to adjust there.
(32:01):
Like maybe we need to talk aboutthe throwing because the
throwing is the problem, right?
So it just gives that space likethat window of give me a second.
Let me be compassionate withmyself versus still going down
the same path.
Down the same road.
jessica_1_10-02-2024_2014 (32:16):
Yeah.
and it's about, bringing thisself awareness about ourselves,
like whether if it's ouractions, our behaviors are, you
know, like I said, like ourwords especially when we are
interacting with our kids.
And I think many of us are stillhealing from these traumas.
(32:36):
That we've experienced as littlekids, where our parents perhaps
never apologized, or they neverreally shown the sense of
regulation in front of us, andso we can essentially repeat the
cycle again, once we do becomeparents, if we're not aware of,
(32:57):
what we're doing and what we'resaying.
And I think that yes, and takingthose baby steps are so
essential for sure.
jocelyn-flores_1_10-02-20 (33:05):
Yeah.
I know.
I know we want to run and trustme, I see it all the time with
parents.
Like I know they want when theycome in and they want to be
coached or even when I'm workingwith their kiddo, like they want
to go from point A to Z.
I'm like, I get that.
I know, but it's going to justtake, let's take a few steps
together.
And once they get on the roadand on the, on the, on the way,
they're like, wow, that'sawesome.
(33:26):
I didn't realize how furtheralong I was, or I didn't
realize, right, like how thingsare shifting because it's just
this mindset of normalcy'sexpectations, right, that are
set and put upon us that we needto be a certain way.
But absolutely.
Yeah, absolutely.
Like you said.
Yeah.
Mm hmm.
jessica_1_10-02-2024_2014 (33:43):
Yeah.
And this is similar to what yousaid, but based on your
experience, what are some of thecommon concerns that moms have
about not being able toregulate?
For example, back to thatinvisible.
Labor or the mental load
jocelyn-flores_1_10-02-2024_ (34:01):
Mm hmm.
Mm
jessica_1_10-02-2024_201442 (34:02):
A lot of times we want to be in
control with a lot of the thingsand we are Afraid or we just
don't want to delegate And so Ican see that being a major
concern even though it's gonnabe helpful for the mom to
hopefully regulate herself.
(34:22):
Like, I could see that thoughbeing something that can be
helpful for the mom, but forsome reason she still continues
on taking on a lot of the thingsthat her partner can do.
If they are in a partneredrelationship, right?
Like that's the one thing thatkind of came up.
So what has your experience beenlike, in order to avoid
(34:43):
dysregulation, what can moms do?
Okay?
Um, And it takes time for me todecide what I wanna do really,
to not continue on
jocelyn-flores_1_10-02-2024_1 (34:53):
A lot of the common threads that I
see with the parents that I'mworking with is I do hear a lot
of the complaints like youshared about like, how am I
gonna disperse this?
You know, like, how am I goingto delegate this?
How, how are we going to, to dothis?
But I think because A lot of theparents in the crux that I work
(35:13):
with them, it does revolve a lotabout specifically like the
emotions and the dysregulationthat comes up.
Not to veer off too much, butI'm surprised.
I think I'm going to verbalizeit.
I don't think they verbalize itthis way, but I see it as a
clinician is a lot of them arereally scared to repeat those
cycles and to essentially, I'musing quotes, hurt their kid.
(35:38):
And that's not always, like,hurt doesn't always mean, like,
a physical hurt.
I mean, I know a lot of us haveexperiences like that, but it's
not always physical.
It's also that emotional hurthappens.
And I think, again, a lot of theparents that I work with, at
least the common thread that Ido see, is that they are really
scared of emotionally hurting oremotional, like, almost
(36:00):
emotionally scarring, right?
Like, repeating that trauma tosome degree.
Emotionally scarring their kiddobased on their responses.
Right?
Rage continues to come up orthose actions like a part of
them have that reflective spacewhere they're like, Whoa, I'm
starting to notice my kid is nottalking to me or I'm starting to
notice my kid was a littlescared of me right or whatever
(36:22):
the responses and so that'swhere they kind of come in with
that concern of what's happeninglike what's what are they doing
or what am I doing wrong or likeright it's almost just like what
what is the problem here so
jessica_1_10-02-2024_201 (36:36):
Right.
jocelyn-flores_1_10-02-2024_ (36:37):
of the this one I will say is a
common like quote that a lot ofparents say, and that's why I've
kind of taken it.
And like, this is like mymantra.
This is like my fight, my fightmantra with my raised parenting
is I don't want to raise mychild the same way I was raised.
Like that piece of, I don't wantto repeat that cycle.
(37:00):
I don't like something has tochange here.
And that is like the mantra thatI use.
And that is, you know, hearingthat for me when I work with
them is.
I don't want to parent, like Ishared earlier, I don't wanna
parent my child the same way orwith the same tools that we were
parented with.
(37:21):
If that's, yeah.
If that's resonating.
Yeah.
jessica_1_10-02-2024_2014 (37:24):
Yeah.
And that definitely resonates.
You know, it's as first, secondgeneration Latino parents, like
I think we're doing a lot of thework and it can be so
exhausting.
jocelyn-flores_1_10-02-202 (37:37):
Yes.
Mm-Hmm.
jessica_1_10-02-2024_20144 (37:38):
then you feel defeated.
You feel like, Oh, am I goodenough?
And, you know, and then all thefeels come up and, and at the
end of the day, like, yeah, youthink a lot about you know, you
just don't want to parent theway that you were parented, but
it, it takes more than thosewords, right?
I think it takes a lot of that,even the breath work that you
(38:03):
shared, right?
It's like being intentionalabout how we ourselves can
essentially regulate selves asindividuals to not emulate that,
you know, that repetitive cyclethat we grew up because we got
to do the work and I know it'sso exhausting.
(38:24):
Like it is very exhausting.
Like I, we already do the, we'redoing the research, we're know,
creating that awareness.
We're doing all of thatreflection and now we're going
to have to do these exercises.
Right.
But that's just part about beinga parent and intentional parent.
And it's, yeah, it's hard.
(38:45):
It's really hard.
Yeah.
jocelyn-flores_1_10-02-202 (38:48):
Yes.
Absolutely.
And like you said, intentionalparenting.
That's it in itself.
You have to be intentional.
You're, you're being mindful ofhow.
Again, having the awarenessparents, right?
There's so many words.
There's so many.
There's conscious parenting.
There's so many labels, butthat's the point is are doing
(39:08):
all those things.
And that's how we're showing upas parents for this next
generation.
jessica_1_10-02-202 (39:12):
Absolutely.
Yeah.
jocelyn-flores_1_10-02-202 (39:14):
hmm.
jessica_1_10-02-2024_20144 (39:15):
And, you know, kind of talking about
our, the way that we grew up andthe way that we probably saw our
parents and specifically ourmoms or abuelas, any like sort
of female figure that raised us.
Do you think that ourdysregulation?
When we show that to ourchildren is influenced by our
(39:39):
cultura or the way that we wereraised by these women?
I don't know if you've ever beenasked that question or if you've
had interactions like that withyour clients, but I'm kind of
curious that the way that wehandle ourselves and we're
dysregulated, are we modeling itafter the women in our family
jocelyn-flores_1_10-02-2024_ (40:02):
Mm These tools are being passed
down from generation togeneration, if I can say.
So these traumas right?
That's this again, another word,generational or
intergenerational trauma.
That's what it is in itself.
It's.
Layers of these tools, thesedysregulation, right?
These nervous systems are beingpassed down and being modeled
(40:26):
constantly, right?
I'll give you an example.
I'm thinking about for me.
This one's common.
So my mom used to, a lot used touse this one too much.
The threat of el cucuy.
jessica_1_10-02-2024_201442 (40:38):
Oh,
jocelyn-flores_1_10-02-202 (40:39):
Yes.
Okay, girl.
I never want to
jessica_1_10-02-2024_201442 (40:42):
You know,
jocelyn-flores_1_10-02-202 (40:42):
him.
jessica_1_10-02-2024_201442 (40:43):
I, yes, I actually wanted to do an
episode about all of thesethings that we grew up that was
essentially put fear in us andour lived experience.
jocelyn-flores_1_10-02-202 (40:56):
yes, yes.
So whether you want to plug inel cucuy or la chancla or la
cuchara, whatever, el cinto,right?
There's so many different, but,but the point is, regardless,
whatever resonates with you,it's the threat, right?
It's the, it's the threat.
It's the, the fear based oroppressive based, right?
Right.
Parenting style.
So yeah, that is modeled, right?
(41:17):
Because they learned that fromsomewhere.
They learned, hold on a second.
This is, this works.
This is how I was raised.
You hear that a lot.
This is how I was raised and Iturned out fine.
Right.
So, but, but that's what, right.
Yes.
If people could only see thefaces that we're making, but
yeah, we're going to screenshotthat one, but,
jessica_1_10-02-2024_20144 (41:36):
Yes.
jocelyn-flores_1_10-02-2024 (41:38):
but what I'm trying to get by that
is.
Again, we, we hear that right,even in our nervous systems
right now, as we said that wehad a reaction to the thought of
the thought of right.
So, yeah, so I don't know ifthat answers.
I think that should answer yourquestion of like, is does this
pass on?
Does it model?
(41:58):
Absolutely.
And I think that's why to circleback to the cycle breaking is.
How do I say this?
Like, there's parts of ourculture that we want to hold on
to, right?
There's beautiful parts of ourculture, comunidad what else is
there besides la comida?
That's my favorite.
But you know, there's like,there's,
jessica_1_10-02-2024_20144 (42:15):
Yes.
jocelyn-flores_1_10-02-2024 (42:16):
but there's others, right?
And it resonates with otherpeople in other ways.
But there's parts that arebeautiful to our culture that we
want to hang on to.
But then, you These are theparts that have been passed down
and have dysregulated oursystems, right?
Even again, we're a model ofthat just seconds ago of when we
talk about el cucuy, it bringsup feelings for us of like,
(42:39):
whoa, hold on, it already,right?
Our brains are wired to bedysregulated that way.
So imagine generations beforeus.
and the traumas they'veexperienced, right?
And how they're passing downtheir thoughts and what they
think is safe and what theythink they're doing is the best
part, right?
(42:59):
I think that's the whole part ofparenting too, is like they're,
they're, every parent is tryingto do the best they can with
what they
jessica_1_10-02-2024_201442 (43:05):
Mm hmm.
jocelyn-flores_1_10-02-2024 (43:06):
but that's what makes this
generation so different.
These cycle breakers is that weare actually pausing and saying,
hold on a second.
I don't want to raise my kid.
Like I'm going to break that.
I don't want to raise my kidthat way.
I want to do better.
jessica_1_10-02-2024_2014 (43:21):
Yeah.
jocelyn-flores_1_10-02-2 (43:21):
saying that they're parenting.
I can't speak for everybody, butwe don't want to say that it was
horrible because I know a lot ofpeople feel defensive about
that.
That's one of the biggestdebates in cycle breaking is
like, no, that's not what we'resaying.
We're just saying that we justwant to be better.
jessica_1_10-02-2024_20144 (43:36):
What are skills that you recommend
for moms to sort of centerthemselves?
And I know that you shared thebreathing exercise, but to avoid
dysregulation or after they getin this like dysregulated mode,
what are some skills?
And that way, we can be presentmoms.
(43:58):
I'm not saying that, this is sothat we can be perfect
individuals.
I don't think that there willever be a perfectionism in
parenting, specificallymotherhood.
But what are some typical skillsthat you recommend
jocelyn-flores_1_10-02-2024 (44:12):
I'm really big on those mindfulness
skills.
Okay.
So, so, like I shared, like yousaid, breathing.
And then I said the compassionas well.
Again, those are just likemindfulness skills.
But when you said the word,yeah, of let's even think about
it beforehand.
So not even the aftermath rightnow, we're talking about like,
before we get there, I think wehad to kind of alluded to this
(44:35):
earlier boundaries.
That's where boundaries reallycome in.
The boundaries are like aprecursor.
Think of them like that.
Like it's something that's gottabe put in place before.
Before the happening of it,right?
So I'll use that example of Ikeep using this one throughout
the whole episode.
Clearly I have experienced thismany times as a therapist.
(44:58):
A child throws something at you,that's going to happen.
That happens.
We're human,
jessica_1_10-02-2024_201442 (45:04):
Oh yeah.
It happens to me all the time.
All the time.
jocelyn-flores_1_10-02-20 (45:07):
Okay.
So to prevent going into thatdysregulation.
right?
We have to catch ourselvesbefore that.
We have to have thoseconversations.
And again, I get it.
Okay, I'm gonna use a three yearold or a two year old.
That's not gonna, you're notjust gonna be like, Hey, okay,
stop throwing this right?
Like that would work probably assomeone older, both the kiddo in
the moment, they're probably notgoing to grasp that right away.
(45:29):
So setting a boundary, and I'musing that specific example, but
boundaries in themselves,setting a boundary, even as it's
going to happen, like, Hey, Isee you Like if they start
throwing something, Hey, I seeyou're throwing things.
How about let's do this instead.
So redirection, right?
Like, Hey, how about let's dothis instead.
(45:49):
Cause if they throw something atyou again, you're probably going
to go instantly or at least it'sgoing to build up, right?
So that's where the skills, likeyou said, we're talking about
beforehand.
Those are the after skills, butbeforehand, Hey, I see you doing
this.
Last time we threw this, we'regoing to do something different.
Right.
We're going to redirect you.
This is your boundary.
Your boundary is like, I don't,I'm not okay with you throwing
(46:11):
this at me.
So let's do this instead.
That's a boundary.
jessica_1_10-02-2024_2014 (46:15):
Yeah.
jocelyn-flores_1_10-02-2024 (46:15):
And that's just this one example,
right?
But even in regards to like,okay, mom has got dishes to do.
Mom has got to take care of thekids, laundry, you name it.
Right.
And on top of that, we saidtaking care of ourselves.
Boundaries are critical, evenwith ourselves.
of being, I have, I have workedon this with a parent.
(46:37):
I can't disclose their name, butwe have talked about, okay,
boundaries within yourself ofone, you're only human.
So you're not super woman.
I mean, you, I'm a lot of momsare, but we don't need to rev
our nervous system to thatpoint, because think of it like
a car.
If you're going to use the gasall the way up every single day,
(46:58):
you're doing some damage to thatcar.
Right the same thing with ournervous system.
We have to manage and regulateHow much energy am I really
going to put into this?
Maybe today?
I only have energy to show upfor my kiddos and maybe Tonight,
I don't cook dinner tonight.
We're just gonna make sandwichesor tonight, right?
It's little things like thatYeah, and I see you nodding your
head, but that's a boundary italmost sounds so easy But it's
(47:20):
not I know because in the momentonce life happens, it's go go go
But that's where we have to setthe boundary with ourselves
Right?
And catch ourselves and say, howmuch energy do I have for this?
How much, right?
Cause you're talking aboutpreventative.
What can I do at this time?
I have work to do tonight.
I have my kiddos.
(47:41):
I'm going to watch him.
I put to bed, but maybe I don'twork for three hours plus,
because then I wake up the nextday and it's a cycle.
Maybe tonight I work and I dogood work for an hour and a
half.
I'm going to test that out.
It may not feel perfect rightaway, but that's a boundary.
jessica_1_10-02-2024_201442 (47:57):
I think, part of that
intentionality, in being aparent and raising, kids to be
cycle breakers and all thisstuff, like, I think that should
also be reflected on ourselvesand how we can also be
intentional on the way that we,on the way that.
We essentially want to achieveour very own goals and dreams
(48:20):
and aspirations and, and how wecan set those boundaries to and
I also think about.
So, like culturally speaking,for some reason we just think
that our mother in laws or mamasare going to show up and they're
going to judge our space.
Because I know that so many ofus have so much pressure about
(48:42):
keeping the house clean andtidy, if you don't have that
capacity because either you'reprioritizing on yourself, or,
you just want to spend qualitytime with your family.
Like it's all this give in orgive out sort of thing.
Like, how do we balance that?
And yeah, and I think it's evengiving yourself that boundary to
(49:04):
not think whether if you'redoing a good job or not.
you know, in this motherhoodjourney.
And yeah, I literally justthought about that, like giving
yourself permission to set thoseboundaries.
And that sort of aspect.
jocelyn-flores_1_10-02-20 (49:21):
Yeah, that was the other skill.
Remember the self compassion.
It's the way we talk toourselves.
Ay viene la comadre o ay vienela suegra, whoever comes is
coming, right?
And it's like,
jessica_1_10-02-2024_201 (49:31):
Right.
jocelyn-flores_1_10-02-202 (49:31):
it's like great.
Right?
Like, okay, because ourperfectionism comes up.
That is a cultural piece, right?
Of making sure this is okay.
This is okay over here.
And you're right.
So being kind to yourself that,you know what?
I was a great mom today.
Like I showed up for my kids.
They were fed, they ate, theylaughed, right?
(49:51):
Like they did this.
I even showed up for myself.
I let myself take a 10 minuteshower today and just enjoy,
right?
Whatever it is.
I know I'm exaggerating, but.
It's things like that, right?
Just being really mindful withthe parenting and the cycle
breaking.
Yeah.
jessica_1_10-02-2024_201 (50:08):
That's what matters.
Yes.
Well, Jocelyn, can you tell us alittle bit more about Raíz
Parenting and how can peopleconnect with you?
Because I'm sure they would loveto be a part of your community.
jocelyn-flores_1_10-02-2024 (50:21):
Oh, yes, I would love to connect
with them as well.
So yeah, so right now with riceparenting, I'm getting ready to
launch a parent membership,which I'm super excited for.
It's kind of generic, but I'mcalling it rice parenting
community.
That's the name is addedcommunity at the end.
But easy peasy, right on brand.
It's launching December thisDecember, actually.
(50:43):
So just in a couple months.
Oh, my goodness.
I'm looking at the calendar justin a couple months.
I'm super stoked.
And I'm going to be working withparents in a much closer
capacity.
So really stoked about that andactually a lot more accessible.
So that's why I wanted to do amembership because mental health
and coaching in itself can be sounaccessible in a sense in
regards to whether it's price orwhether it's, you know, just the
(51:06):
resources, things like that.
So I wanted to create thatspace, that community for
parents to come in and kind ofjust be vulnerable and kind of
work through their cycle, youknow, their own cycle breaking
journey because everyone's on adifferent.
Spot in their journey.
jessica_1_10-02-2024_201 (51:22):
Right.
jocelyn-flores_1_10-02-2024 (51:22):
And yeah, that's, that's kind of
what I'm launching this Decemberagain for if I use parenting,
but in regards to where peoplecan like find me.
Right now is let's see, I wouldsay go to Instagram.
That's probably the best placeto find me right now is on
Instagram at Raiz Parenting,that's R A I Z, like the Raiz,
(51:43):
like I said, of a tree.
So Raiz Parenting.
But I also have a gift, afreebie for your listeners.
I have a free mini workbook thatthey can go grab if they'd like
it.
It's for cycle breakers andit's.
That's exactly what we coveredtoday.
It's helping them find out someof their triggers when they
happen, what to be on thelookout for.
(52:04):
It's like we said, beingintentional with those little
steps.
Yes.
So it's a really mini workbook.
They can go download it for freeat www.
raiz parenting.
org.
Forward slash freebie.
So that's our F R E E B I E.
I know you'll have those linksand everything for them, but I
(52:27):
like to spell it out for folksbecause I'm that person.
jessica_1_10-02-2024_201442 (52:32):
I love it when people spell out
things.
Trust me.
Yes, it's so easy.
Yes.
Oh my gosh.
Thank you so much for providingthat to my listeners.
And I'll make sure to share itin the show notes for anyone who
prefers to just click on thelink.
jocelyn-flores_1_10-02-202 (52:48):
Yes,
jessica_1_10-02-2024_20144 (52:49):
Yes, yes.
Well, Jocelyn, thank you so muchfor being here.
I really appreciate it.
Like all of this truly resonateswith me and I'm sure with So
many mamas out there and, and Ithink our bodies deserve to just
be USA, like it really matters,you know, we just got to be USA.
That should be on the t shirt.
jocelyn-flores_1_10-02-20 (53:10):
Yeah, I love it.
Yeah, we'll trademark it.
We got it.
jessica_1_10-02-2024_2014 (53:12):
Well, thank you, Jessalyn.
I really appreciate it.
jocelyn-flores_1_10-02-202 (53:15):
Yes.
Thank you so much for having meand goodbye to everybody
Hello.
You are listening to the best ofVLM episode series, which
showcases some of the mostpopular episodes of the Viva.
Mommy podcast.
This episode is one of those.
If you enjoy what you hear, makesure you subscribe and don't
forget to rate the show andwrite a review on apple podcasts
(00:21):
so that other mommies, like youcan find this podcast.
Out, let's get into the episode.
have you ever found yourselfyelling at your kids and
immediately feeling guilty aboutit?
Do you sometimes feel like youremotions are spiraling out of
control?
Leaving you wondering if you'rethe only mommy struggling to
(00:44):
keep it together?
Or maybe you've caught yourselfthinking.
I don't want to parent like myparents did, but I keep failing
into the same patterns.
Well, we'll head.
If you're nodding your headright now.
I totally get it.
I've been there and I am stillon the struggle bus.
(01:05):
Well On today's episode, this isexactly what you need to hear
Joining me today is Joslin.
FLOTUS a licensed marriage andfamily therapist.
Who's dedicated her career tohelping parents.
Become their children'semotional, safe Haven.
With over five years ofexperience, working with
(01:25):
families.
Jocelyn is the founder andcreator of rice parenting, where
she coaches, parents to show upmore confidently and securely in
their relationships with theirchildren.
And this episode, we're divingdeep into a topic that isn't
talked about enough, and that isemotional dysregulation and mom
(01:47):
rage, especially in our.
If you've ever felt overwhelmedby your emotions as a mama or
caught yourself reacting inother ways, in ways you later
regret this episode is for you.
Joscelyn shares practical toolsfor emotional regulation from
mindful breathing techniques tosetting healthy boundaries all
(02:09):
while honoring your culturalbackground and personal journey.
Together we're going to explorehow daily stressors affect our
nervous systems.
I discuss the importance ofself-compassion and learn about
cycle breaking parenting.
So get ready for an authenticjudgment-free conversation that
(02:29):
will remind you that you're notalone in this journey.
And that with the right toolsand support, you can become the
mama.
You aspire to be.
So without further ado, let'swelcome.
Jocelyn and FLOTUS from.Parenting.
jessica_1_10-02-2024_201 (03:52):
Hello, Jocelyn.
How are you?
jocelyn-flores_1_10-02-2024 (03:54):
I'm doing good.
How about yourself?
jessica_1_10-02-2024_201442 (03:57):
I am well.
Thank you so much for beinghere.
I really appreciate you creatinga space that is centered around
parenting and And that you areintentional because you bring a
lot of wealth of expertise.
And so I am just very excitedfor you to tell us a little bit
more about what emotionaldysregulation looks like for
(04:20):
mamas.
I don't think I've ever had thisconversation on the podcast, so
I am excited because This willdefinitely resonate a lot with
many mommies who are listeningon the show.
So, before we delve into thatconversation though, if you can
tell our listeners a little bitmore about yourself.
jocelyn-flores_1_10 (04:42):
Absolutely.
Yes.
Thank you.
I'm so honored to be here today.
I'm really excited to like yousaid, be talking to the mommies
out there, especially about thistopic.
This is a big part of what I do.
Day in and day out, but let mejump in and just break it down a
little bit for everybody.
I know you'll give them an introof me, but I'd love to kind of
just jump into that too.
So for listeners out there orviewers as well I'm Jocelyn
(05:06):
Flores.
I'm a licensed marriage andfamily therapist.
I'm also the founder of RaisParenting Rais for those who
don't know means roots, right?
Like the roots of a tree.
And this is where I serve as aparent coach to support mindful
parents, cycle breaking parents,right?
All those parents who are onthat journey to break harmful or
(05:28):
just not useful.
generational family cycles.
So in other words, and in otherwords, more normal words, I
teach parents how not to parentlike their parents did.
So that's what I do, but a bitabout me.
Cliff notes.
Cause if not, the girl can go onthe tangent.
And then it'll turn to a therapysession.
(05:49):
So I am first generation Latina,uh, the youngest of two
immigrants.
My dad is from Guatemala.
My mom is una mexicana, veryproud to be both.
I grew up in Orange County,California, a small town called
Tustin, predominantly Latinos alittle bit of everything, but
(06:11):
definitely we got our Latinoculture there.
And then throughout my life,I've moved all over California,
Southern California to bespecific.
And now I'm married, newlymarried in January, and I
married my college sweetheartand we're living in Arizona.
This is his home state.
So we've kind of been movingaround a bit.
(06:34):
Yeah,
jessica_1_10-02-2024_201442 (06:35):
out West.
You're
jocelyn-flores_1_10-02-202 (06:36):
yes, I'm still
jessica_1_10-02-2024_201442 (06:37):
a warm climate.
jocelyn-flores_1_10-02-2024 (06:39):
too warm, some would say, still
warm.
We're at the time of recording.
It is October for people and itis warm.
It is hot still.
It won't really cool down outhere until like the end of
October, which is mind blowingto me because being from
California, it's always a steady70 to 80 most of the time, and
(07:02):
then it'll fluctuate there.
You know throughout the months,but that's usually our our
weather.
So it's been a big adjustmentfor me But that's the the cliff
notes personal wise and thenprofessionally I like I shared
i'm a therapist.
I'm a licensed therapist.
I kind of always knew I wantedto work with people just because
or at least be a therapistbecause I really was so
(07:25):
intrigued by people's storiesLike I just knew we all had our
own narratives and we're all sodifferent, right?
Even siblings growing up in thesame household have different
narratives.
So that always fascinated me AndI was like, I want to give
people that space to share theirstories and to be heard so
that's why I chose therapy andNot sure if viewers know but
(07:48):
those who are getting gonna getto know me.
I'm also a child therapist So Ispecialize in working with
kiddos and families.
You And with that, I think mytrue gift in that has just been
patience, having the patience towork with parents and their
kiddos and having the empathybecause not a lot of people have
empathy for kiddos,unfortunately.
(08:09):
So that was my true calling,working with kids and with
families.
And that's where parent coachingstemmed because I saw that gap
in, in that support and thatparents needed that support and
that they're the change agents.
And all of this.
So I know I'm kind of going on atangent.
I prefaced and I warned thatthis could turn into a therapy
session, but that's really me.
(08:30):
Cliff notes all in all.
jessica_1_10-02-2024_20144 (08:32):
Yes.
Oh my gosh.
Well, thank you for thatintroduction and I'm learning a
lot about you now, so thank you,
jocelyn-flores_1_10-02-20 (08:41):
Yeah.
Yeah.
So thank you for the space.
Yeah.
And just letting me go on atangent.
jessica_1_10-02-2024_2014 (08:45):
Yeah, no, no, and and really I think
it's definitely important toshare about your expertise
because when you focus on aspecific area like, uh.
Child mental health.
It's not so you working directlywith the child.
It's the parents and that canmake an impact on the child's
(09:07):
mental health.
And now you are being veryintentional in working with
parents to make sure that theydon't repeat the cycle.
So yes, so thank you for sharingthat.
And when it comes to momsspecifically and their mental
health, a lot of the times wejust say, And oftentimes in our
(09:31):
culture, like we just blame momsque son bien enojonas, that they
have this rage, you know, que,oh, they're hormonal and all of
these, I would say types ofexcuses when we really don't
know the root cause.
of what emotional dysregulationis.
(09:51):
And so can you tell us a littlebit more about what emotional
dysregulation is and how doesthat show up in moms
specifically?
jocelyn-flores_1_10 (10:02):
Absolutely.
Oh my goodness.
So I have to, I have to say thisbecause this is such a buzzword
right now.
Regulation, right?
Like, and especially in ourfield is as coaches and like
parent coaches and mentalhealth, like those kind of
working in that space.
We have to remember that This isnot a common word.
This isn't a word that peopleuse all the time.
(10:25):
Right?
So if you don't mind, I wouldlove to break that down a little
bit, like break down
jessica_1_10-02-2024_2014 (10:29):
Yeah.
Hmm.
jocelyn-flores_1_ (10:30):
dysregulation of just a little bit.
So, in, in all honesty, I'mbeing candid.
I learned this word, even thoughI've been a clinician for over
five years and working withfamilies.
I learned this word like twoyears ago because it's, and it
finally sunk in because We throwit out and we're just like,
yeah, you need to regulate thisor you like, but we don't really
know what it means.
So all in all, I'm going tostart with just what regulation
(10:53):
means first.
And then I'm going to addeverything.
So regulation is essentiallythink of regulation, like
managing or controllingsomething, right?
Just, just even just the worditself.
So managing to control that'skind of the action of what
regulation does especially inthis context Okay in the context
of feelings.
(11:14):
So even that in itself.
I just gave it away.
So in the context of feelingsright emotional Regulation is
emotional control right beingable to manage our feelings
controlling our feelings and nowwhen we throw in the word
Dysregulation, meaning theinability to control that or the
inability to manage that.
(11:35):
I kind of just like to tellpeople it's just really your
feelings out of whack, right?
Like you are being thrown, yournervous system and all these
things are being thrown out ofwhack.
That is the dysregulation piece,right?
Especially again, emotionaldysregulation.
So, how do I describe this?
Like I said, so.
Because I work with kiddos and Iwork with parents.
(11:55):
I like to just explain that it'simportant to how would I say,
have almost like a toolbox.
This is why we talk about copingskills.
This is why we talk aboutlearning how to manage it.
Right?
Because.
It's so important to have thatalmost like that toolbox Like
when you have a toolbox youalways have a hammer and you
have a wrench you have all theseright?
I'm, not familiar.
(12:15):
Don't quote me.
I don't know all these tools,but you have different tools
same thing with your emotionalToolbox your coping skills,
right?
This is to help you regulatethis is kind of the concept to
answer your question of what isemotional dysregulation.
jessica_1_10-02-2024_201442 (12:32):
I appreciate you defining
emotional regulation, because ifwe don't know that, like, how
can we essentially connectedwith emotional dysregulation?
You know, Or better ourselves.
When we are experiencing that.
Yeah.
jocelyn-flores_1_10-02-202 (12:50):
That kind of just is what emotional
regulation and dysregulation isin, in its concept, right?
So that, that viewers orlisteners understand like, okay,
this is what we mean when we saythis word regulation, because it
is thrown around so much rightnow in the parenting world, you
hear words like co regulate,regulation, learning.
(13:11):
Yes.
Okay.
So I see you nodding your head.
So because, That's what itmeans.
It's learning how to co manageour feelings in the moment,
right?
So with moms, their nervoussystem or just even humans.
Okay.
So strip away the mom identity.
Just even humans, our nervoussystem is almost kind of like,
Think of it like, oh, the wayour brain and our body sends
(13:34):
messages to each other.
So it has like thisinterconnected, almost like,
okay, the telephone lines thatwe have, that's how we connect
to each other, right?
Through our cell towers.
That's kind of how the nervoussystem works.
So the reason I'm bringing thatup is because I'm going to talk
about moms nervous systems injust a second.
So with that, all those messagesare being sent constantly
(13:54):
throughout the body.
Yes?
So.
Think of a mom's nervous system.
Mom's nervous system's constantdifferent messages are being
sent from all over the place.
For example, I'm going to uselike a mom who is a toddler mom.
I think you're a toddler momright now.
Yes, a two, two under three.
Okay.
Okay.
So perfect.
You are my, my example
jessica_1_10-02-2024_201442 (14:14):
who are three and under.
jocelyn-flores_1_10-02-202 (14:15):
Yes, please correct me.
We can add more to it.
Even the nervous system of likebeing pulled from one place to
the other, you have screaminggoing on, you have crying on one
side, maybe you have one needingyou.
And then you also have thepositives.
You have like somebody playing,wanting to play, wanting your
attention.
Right?
So even that, that was fivedifferent things being pulled in
(14:37):
all those directions.
That is going to shoot up yournervous system and dysregulate
you.
Right.
That is going to, I know peoplecan't see me, but what I'm doing
is like almost like thatoutweighing of a scale.
Like it's going to just shiftthings very quickly for you.
So I don't know if you want tosay anything to that.
I don't want to overstep.
jessica_1_10-02-2024_2014 (14:58):
mean, that's definitely valid.
And I, even though I don't feelthat equilibrium, like where I'm
physically trying to balancemyself it's definitely.
Something that I can identifybased on my behaviors, my
(15:18):
actions, my words, even what mybody is telling me, whether if I
have this like tightness in mystomach, or I have sweaty palms,
like I, it's, And, and this,then when I'm getting to that
point, it leads into just rage,you know?
And I don't know if there's aconnection between once you are
(15:43):
in this sense of dysregulation,you know, does that then lead to
rage or all the feels that, youknow, your body is just trying
to express.
But that's definitely how Ifeel.
And this is more so, you know,when we are in, in a specific
schedule, like, for example,taking my three year old out at
(16:08):
the door for preschool, right?
Like, Oh my gosh, like I, I,feel like I get so dysregulated
because first of all, I am not amorning person whatsoever.
Like I love to sleep.
I love to sleep in and it sucksthat we have to conform to this
new schedule that Is based onthe school system, you know,
(16:28):
and, and now I'm just like, notonly pushing myself to get up,
but now I have to get the littleone get up and, and then it just
causes this plethora of justlike being so out of whack, like
how you said, you know, and thisis just in the essence of like
waking up to get to school,
jocelyn-flores_1_10-02-202 (16:49):
Yes.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Oh yeah.
Even as you said that I was, Iwas envisioning like almost like
the stacking of plates, likethings add up, they stack up.
Right.
And like you said, if your body,again, back to your nervous
system, if your nervous systemisn't, what is that saying?
Like you're not a, An earlybird, you're more like a night
(17:10):
owl or whatever, right?
But your nervousness, becausethat's true to us, like our
nervous systems, our circadianrhythms are so different.
So even if you're not that kindof person, but like you said,
you kind of have to acclimate toa certain schedule.
Now you're like, Oh man.
Okay.
This is overwhelming, right?
The stressor is a lot morestressful for you.
It's a lot bigger than it wouldbe for someone else who maybe
(17:32):
doesn't find it as stressful.
Right?
So now the, it's almost likethat, those sayings, like the
stacks, the, how do you say it?
The odds are stacked againstyou, that kind of thing.
Right.
And it can feel that way.
That's where the out of whack,like dysregulation, right.
Can kind of feel in the body.
Like you said, it can eventuallylead to that rage.
Yeah.
(17:53):
Mm hmm.
jessica_1_10-02-2024_201442 (17:53):
Mm hmm.
Yeah, it's so interesting.
Let's talk a little bit moreabout like, our nervous system a
little bit more.
In what ways can we identify ifour nervous system is being
triggered, based on this levelof dysregulation that we may
have?
jocelyn-flores_1_10-02-20 (18:14):
Yeah.
Yeah.
Okay.
So then I'll answer your firstquestion.
Let's the first one and thenI'll jump over.
Yeah.
So a little bit about thenervous system for folks.
Yeah.
So like I had shared earlier, sothink of the nervous system like
again, like I said, like, whatdid I call it?
Like almost these like differentcell towers, right?
Or, or I don't even know what dothey call it?
The telephone poles, like allthe lines, right?
(18:35):
Everything's interconnected.
We really are so interconnected.
So think of it like that.
That is what our nervous systemis for our body.
That's how our brain connects toour heart, which connects to our
stomach, which connects to ourbowel movements, whatever,
right?
Like we're all inner.
We're all connected.
We're all one being.
And I think that gets forgottenvery easily because especially
(18:56):
with the split of mental healthand like physical health, like
that's why a lot of cliniciansand a lot of experts are moving
towards a holistic, you hearthat a lot, holistic style.
And that's what that means.
It means we're going to takeinto account your nervous system
and your other internal systemsall as one.
(19:17):
So I wanted to connect it to alittle bit of how that affects
like that dysregulation thatyou're kind of asking about.
So was thinking of this example.
I'm like, okay, so it's anexample.
I usually share with parents.
So, An example I usually shareis like, okay, as for viewers,
the ones who are watching or theones who see me in person, they
know I have really bad eyesightbecause my glasses are super
(19:39):
thick.
So just warning people who can'thear me or can't see me, sorry,
and who can only hear me, I havereally bad eyesight.
So the example is about me.
So like if I was walking down adark alley or just even a dark
hallway, say that, I mightinstantly get really reactive
and really kind of go into fightor flight.
Because I'm seeing shadows and Ican't really quite perceive.
(20:01):
So that's just a quick way thatmy nervous system will shoot up
really quickly to protect me.
Okay, so it'll send my brainwill get scared and it'll send a
message to my body.
It's time to sweat.
It's time to run.
It's time to do all thesethings, right?
It's, it's dysregulated if thatmakes sense.
So pretty much that's how Iteach parents like, okay, this
(20:21):
is what your nervous systemdoes.
It's there to go into fight orflight or freeze.
mode.
Also, there's a fawn as wellnow.
And Think of it like on a scaleof 1 to 10, 10 being the
highest, my body just shot up,my, my, my nervous system just
shot up to an 8 or a 9, right?
So that's why I think about, torelation to moms, right?
(20:42):
And to parents who are kind ofgoing through this, they're not
constantly in in that situationof like, like in the situation
of like they're about to beattacked, like not that kind of
perception, but to some degree,right?
If parents are already, as yousaid, when you wake up and
you're already stressed out.
If parents are already at a outof that 10, a five or a six, can
(21:04):
you imagine having a toy thrownat you?
Can you imagine having your youinstantly shoot up your nervous
system does go into a bit ofthat fight or flight mode.
That's where that rate comesout.
I know I'm only talking aboutfight flight.
There's a few more fight, fight,freeze on for listeners.
But just for the sake of theexample, right?
It does go into fight or flightmode.
(21:26):
Mhm.
Right.
Either, like you said, fight orwhere the rage happens, or you
fight, you just like kind ofignore it or you just kind of
freeze to some degree.
Right.
So
jessica_1_10-02-2024_201442 (21:37):
Mm hmm.
And especially like from acultural standpoint, who the
heck.
Do our people talk about thenervous system?
To be honest, I've never heardof the nervous system and its
functionality until I went witha chiropractor.
And I guess, you know, there's aconnection, you know, whether if
it's like, Oh, or DNA, you know,it's whatever, but You know,
(22:04):
when we really talk about theseterms and words, like, how does
that really connect with ourlived experiences?
Like how, what kinds of examplesare there where we are able to
connect?
And that's why I'm here.
You're here, you know, uh, to,for us to have this
conversation, uh, so thatmommies can really identify
like, Oh, this, this is my livedexperience too.
(22:26):
And, And, yeah.
And, and so why do you think.
Moms specifically, struggle tostay regulated.
jocelyn-flores_1_10-02-202 (22:36):
Moms are being pulled from one part
to the other, right?
Again, like we shared I'm goingto use that same scale that I
just talked about a moment agois like on a scale of one to 10,
10 being like, let's say if 10is the highest it'll go.
Our nervous systems as moms areconstantly.
under stress and it's littlestressors, right?
(22:57):
And stress, I'm going to saystress in quotations because
stress is not always a badthing.
Like stress just means somethingthat's impacting you, right?
Like it just means when we saystressors, at least in the
mental health field, like it's,it's just something that's
happening.
That's all.
It's just another block in yourlife kind of thing.
But Those blocks, like we said,those dishes or whatever analogy
(23:18):
you want to use, those thingsadd up, right?
You have, whether you're a stayat home mom or a working mom,
like you have these stressors ofone taking care of this kiddo,
making sure this kiddo also islearning from me is keeping them
alive, right?
Like this other human being ontop of that, your own health,
your own self, you're definitelybeing pulled, not even talking
(23:39):
about, right.
Those who are partnered alsotaking care of partners, right?
Or also me taking, uh, work ifthose who are working.
So there's so many differentstressors that impact the
nervous system and impact thatdysregulation.
So if that's what you're, youwere asking like, it, it's just
a buildup of, of things and thatcan lead to overwhelm, which can
(24:03):
lead to like you shared rage,which can lead to burnout.
Right?
Because our nervous system isbeing revved up constantly.
And when I say revved up, youknow when a car, when you step
on it and it makes that like,sound like you're revving the
engine, that's what you're doingto your own engine constantly.
Did that, does that resonate
jessica_1_10-02-2024_20144 (24:25):
Yes.
Yes.
Yes, it does.
And I think it's not just theday to day things, like the
physical labor that we do from Idon't know, like prepping their
breakfast, prepping their lunchthe night before, doing the
physical labor, if you will.
But it's also the mental loadthat Our brains are constantly
(24:50):
wired, you know, to the T, likeI, and I feel like I never have
the sense of rest really,because I am not only on
survival mode because, we havetwo little ones, like it's just
nonstop, but it's also, Like,how do I even take care of
(25:13):
myself?
You know, by me like setting alist of things that I have to do
for my own health, like settingup that appointment that I've
been meaning to do for the pasttwo years to the, Gynecologist.
And so, there's just.
This whole running list in ourhead and for me, for some
reason, if I don't achieve thatrunning list, I get so
(25:38):
dysregulated because it's thatadded layer of the physical
things that I also have to do.
And so how can we kind of breakthat?
Like, what are yourrecommendations?
Um, Because I'm sure that many,you know, mamas that are
listening to this episode, theycan resonate.
With that, like we carry on somuch of that mental load that
(26:01):
and that in like labor, youknow, that we essentially do as
moms.
jocelyn-flores_1_10-02-2 (26:07):
That's kind of a loaded question.
Cause I'm like, I wish we coulddo like a therapy session right
now and start like breakingapart all the different, right.
But, but for listeners, yes.
I have to be mindful that thisis for listeners.
They're little things for them.
I don't want to overwhelm themwith like a lift of like, let's
peel apart the onion.
Right.
But.
To start, right?
To start, like you said, to meetyou where you're at in regards
(26:30):
to, like you said, not just thephysical things, but also the
mental things, right?
I'll give you two and these aretwo skills that are just in a
sense, kind of basic, but notreally because we easier said
than done, right?
Like, like you just shared, it'snot like you can just go and
like, you know, go to the spot.
I'm not going to recommend that,but these are things that you
(26:51):
carry with you constantly.
Yes, and again, they may not belife changing, but they will
make little baby steps to startand to start getting you to that
bridge or across that bridge ofwhat changes do you want to make
and also how to start toregulate as a whole being,
right?
Not just the mental part, themind, but also the body.
Okay so something as simple as.
(27:16):
I really liked emphasis on thisone.
This one is honing down on likebreathing.
I know that's going to like goone ear and one out the other
for a lot of people.
That's perfectly fine.
But there's such an importancein breathing cause we're
learning right now today aboutthe nervous system and
regulation and our breath.
It's so critical.
People forget that our breathis, again, we don't think about
(27:38):
us breathing.
Like we're probably not thinkingabout it until I said it right
now, right?
What our breath feels like.
Even mine right now.
I'm like, oh, I'm breathing kindof fast.
I'm maybe talking kind of fast.
So we don't, we're not mindfulof that all the time.
So those are the moments of uskind of like shifting back.
Like you said, I have this todo.
(27:58):
I have to sign this right now.
I have to go do this.
Oh my goodness.
And then I have me, how am Igoing to get through this?
Giving yourself that pause.
I'm just taking a breath andjust meeting yourself and
regulating, because it's not amagic pill, right?
Nothing is, but this is a placeto start and to take just one
baby step of, I'm going to takethis breath.
(28:22):
And it's not even just like abreath because everyone can take
a breath right now.
Right.
And just like, that's easy, butit's not right.
But it's not just that kind of abreath.
This is like, again, you are,you said the word earlier,
right?
You are rewiring your brain withthis breath.
That's how powerful these are.
They're not just, right,breaths.
(28:45):
Cause we all do that.
We breathe in and out every day,but we are mindfully rewiring
when, how to control andregulate our breath that is
regulating our nervous system,which in turn is reducing some
of that rage and maybe bringingdown a couple notches.
I'm not going to promise you'renot going to ever be in rage,
but it's definitely going tohelp you regulate a bit better.
(29:08):
So to, to share with yourlisteners, a breath is as simple
as this.
You can breathe in through yournose.
That's how I always teach it.
You breathe in through yournose, almost like you're
sniffing cookies.
That's the easiest way I knowhow to remind myself.
You breathe in through your noseand inhale for just a few
seconds.
And then you exhale through yourmouth like you're blowing out a
(29:30):
birthday candle, right?
It's very controlled But you dothat a couple of times and I
will say to fall uh to yourfollowers and to your listeners
I do I don't want to put aguarantee on it But I do promise
that you will start to seeshifts even maybe even instantly
as you start practicing itYou're going to start to notice.
Oh, whoa Okay, my kid just threwthis at me, and I'm really
(29:52):
pissed, but if I step away andjust take a couple of breaths,
now I can kind of meet them in adifferent spot, versus probably
yelling at them back, right?
Because that doesn't feel good,right?
We don't want to meet them inthat rage.
We want to meet them in, okay,I'm angry, but I'm not in rage.
jessica_1_10-02-2024_20144 (30:09):
it's so important to breathe.
Like I, it does, I feel so muchbetter.
And I think it's, it's, it'sIt's just like exercising,
right?
Like if you put your stepforward, like it's going to
work.
You're literally training yourbody to, in this case, regulate
itself.
And I think, yeah, that, thatcan be very helpful
jocelyn-flores_1_10 (30:33):
Absolutely.
Again, I'm, I stole your word,but you're rewiring your brain,
your nervous system.
And that's not even the mindpart, right?
Cause you had asked me like,what about the mindset?
Like that's more of like thephysical stuff.
What about like the mindsetalmost to that degree.
And again, hopefully thisdoesn't go one year and out the
other, but in reality, I like topractice this a lot and it's
(30:54):
just compassion.
I think we lack that forourselves so much, like we lack
being nice to ourselves, becausethe way we talk to ourselves is
critical.
Because, okay, same example,kiddo throws something at you
and you yell and then, orwhatever, right, you snap,
whatever kind of comes upbecause you're just on that
fight or flight, like we said,maybe more in that fight mode.
(31:16):
And then you yell and then kiddogoes away.
And you just feel like crap,like it doesn't feel good,
right?
You could really choose twothings.
You could choose to continue tobeat yourself up, and call
yourself a bad mom, and da da dada da, and go that route.
You really could choose to dothat, right?
We know the outcome of that,that doesn't feel good.
Or you could choose to say, Holdon a second.
(31:40):
Yes, I just did this and itdidn't feel good.
And maybe I will try my best notto do that anymore.
Something has to shift, right?
It's just that reflected piece.
Like something has to shift andmaybe this time I will go
apologize to my kid or maybe.
Next time it happens.
I will be more mindful that theyjust threw something at me.
So I need to adjust there.
(32:01):
Like maybe we need to talk aboutthe throwing because the
throwing is the problem, right?
So it just gives that space likethat window of give me a second.
Let me be compassionate withmyself versus still going down
the same path.
Down the same road.
jessica_1_10-02-2024_2014 (32:16):
Yeah.
and it's about, bringing thisself awareness about ourselves,
like whether if it's ouractions, our behaviors are, you
know, like I said, like ourwords especially when we are
interacting with our kids.
And I think many of us are stillhealing from these traumas.
(32:36):
That we've experienced as littlekids, where our parents perhaps
never apologized, or they neverreally shown the sense of
regulation in front of us, andso we can essentially repeat the
cycle again, once we do becomeparents, if we're not aware of,
(32:57):
what we're doing and what we'resaying.
And I think that yes, and takingthose baby steps are so
essential for sure.
jocelyn-flores_1_10-02-20 (33:05):
Yeah.
I know.
I know we want to run and trustme, I see it all the time with
parents.
Like I know they want when theycome in and they want to be
coached or even when I'm workingwith their kiddo, like they want
to go from point A to Z.
I'm like, I get that.
I know, but it's going to justtake, let's take a few steps
together.
And once they get on the roadand on the, on the, on the way,
they're like, wow, that'sawesome.
(33:26):
I didn't realize how furtheralong I was, or I didn't
realize, right, like how thingsare shifting because it's just
this mindset of normalcy'sexpectations, right, that are
set and put upon us that we needto be a certain way.
But absolutely.
Yeah, absolutely.
Like you said.
Yeah.
Mm hmm.
jessica_1_10-02-2024_2014 (33:43):
Yeah.
And this is similar to what yousaid, but based on your
experience, what are some of thecommon concerns that moms have
about not being able toregulate?
For example, back to thatinvisible.
Labor or the mental load
jocelyn-flores_1_10-02-2024_ (34:01):
Mm hmm.
Mm
jessica_1_10-02-2024_201442 (34:02):
A lot of times we want to be in
control with a lot of the thingsand we are Afraid or we just
don't want to delegate And so Ican see that being a major
concern even though it's gonnabe helpful for the mom to
hopefully regulate herself.
(34:22):
Like, I could see that thoughbeing something that can be
helpful for the mom, but forsome reason she still continues
on taking on a lot of the thingsthat her partner can do.
If they are in a partneredrelationship, right?
Like that's the one thing thatkind of came up.
So what has your experience beenlike, in order to avoid
(34:43):
dysregulation, what can moms do?
Okay?
Um, And it takes time for me todecide what I wanna do really,
to not continue on
jocelyn-flores_1_10-02-2024_1 (34:53):
A lot of the common threads that I
see with the parents that I'mworking with is I do hear a lot
of the complaints like youshared about like, how am I
gonna disperse this?
You know, like, how am I goingto delegate this?
How, how are we going to, to dothis?
But I think because A lot of theparents in the crux that I work
(35:13):
with them, it does revolve a lotabout specifically like the
emotions and the dysregulationthat comes up.
Not to veer off too much, butI'm surprised.
I think I'm going to verbalizeit.
I don't think they verbalize itthis way, but I see it as a
clinician is a lot of them arereally scared to repeat those
cycles and to essentially, I'musing quotes, hurt their kid.
(35:38):
And that's not always, like,hurt doesn't always mean, like,
a physical hurt.
I mean, I know a lot of us haveexperiences like that, but it's
not always physical.
It's also that emotional hurthappens.
And I think, again, a lot of theparents that I work with, at
least the common thread that Ido see, is that they are really
scared of emotionally hurting oremotional, like, almost
(36:00):
emotionally scarring, right?
Like, repeating that trauma tosome degree.
Emotionally scarring their kiddobased on their responses.
Right?
Rage continues to come up orthose actions like a part of
them have that reflective spacewhere they're like, Whoa, I'm
starting to notice my kid is nottalking to me or I'm starting to
notice my kid was a littlescared of me right or whatever
(36:22):
the responses and so that'swhere they kind of come in with
that concern of what's happeninglike what's what are they doing
or what am I doing wrong or likeright it's almost just like what
what is the problem here so
jessica_1_10-02-2024_201 (36:36):
Right.
jocelyn-flores_1_10-02-2024_ (36:37):
of the this one I will say is a
common like quote that a lot ofparents say, and that's why I've
kind of taken it.
And like, this is like mymantra.
This is like my fight, my fightmantra with my raised parenting
is I don't want to raise mychild the same way I was raised.
Like that piece of, I don't wantto repeat that cycle.
(37:00):
I don't like something has tochange here.
And that is like the mantra thatI use.
And that is, you know, hearingthat for me when I work with
them is.
I don't want to parent, like Ishared earlier, I don't wanna
parent my child the same way orwith the same tools that we were
parented with.
(37:21):
If that's, yeah.
If that's resonating.
Yeah.
jessica_1_10-02-2024_2014 (37:24):
Yeah.
And that definitely resonates.
You know, it's as first, secondgeneration Latino parents, like
I think we're doing a lot of thework and it can be so
exhausting.
jocelyn-flores_1_10-02-202 (37:37):
Yes.
Mm-Hmm.
jessica_1_10-02-2024_20144 (37:38):
then you feel defeated.
You feel like, Oh, am I goodenough?
And, you know, and then all thefeels come up and, and at the
end of the day, like, yeah, youthink a lot about you know, you
just don't want to parent theway that you were parented, but
it, it takes more than thosewords, right?
I think it takes a lot of that,even the breath work that you
(38:03):
shared, right?
It's like being intentionalabout how we ourselves can
essentially regulate selves asindividuals to not emulate that,
you know, that repetitive cyclethat we grew up because we got
to do the work and I know it'sso exhausting.
(38:24):
Like it is very exhausting.
Like I, we already do the, we'redoing the research, we're know,
creating that awareness.
We're doing all of thatreflection and now we're going
to have to do these exercises.
Right.
But that's just part about beinga parent and intentional parent.
And it's, yeah, it's hard.
(38:45):
It's really hard.
Yeah.
jocelyn-flores_1_10-02-202 (38:48):
Yes.
Absolutely.
And like you said, intentionalparenting.
That's it in itself.
You have to be intentional.
You're, you're being mindful ofhow.
Again, having the awarenessparents, right?
There's so many words.
There's so many.
There's conscious parenting.
There's so many labels, butthat's the point is are doing
(39:08):
all those things.
And that's how we're showing upas parents for this next
generation.
jessica_1_10-02-202 (39:12):
Absolutely.
Yeah.
jocelyn-flores_1_10-02-202 (39:14):
hmm.
jessica_1_10-02-2024_20144 (39:15):
And, you know, kind of talking about
our, the way that we grew up andthe way that we probably saw our
parents and specifically ourmoms or abuelas, any like sort
of female figure that raised us.
Do you think that ourdysregulation?
When we show that to ourchildren is influenced by our
(39:39):
cultura or the way that we wereraised by these women?
I don't know if you've ever beenasked that question or if you've
had interactions like that withyour clients, but I'm kind of
curious that the way that wehandle ourselves and we're
dysregulated, are we modeling itafter the women in our family
jocelyn-flores_1_10-02-2024_ (40:02):
Mm These tools are being passed
down from generation togeneration, if I can say.
So these traumas right?
That's this again, another word,generational or
intergenerational trauma.
That's what it is in itself.
It's.
Layers of these tools, thesedysregulation, right?
These nervous systems are beingpassed down and being modeled
(40:26):
constantly, right?
I'll give you an example.
I'm thinking about for me.
This one's common.
So my mom used to, a lot used touse this one too much.
The threat of el cucuy.
jessica_1_10-02-2024_201442 (40:38):
Oh,
jocelyn-flores_1_10-02-202 (40:39):
Yes.
Okay, girl.
I never want to
jessica_1_10-02-2024_201442 (40:42):
You know,
jocelyn-flores_1_10-02-202 (40:42):
him.
jessica_1_10-02-2024_201442 (40:43):
I, yes, I actually wanted to do an
episode about all of thesethings that we grew up that was
essentially put fear in us andour lived experience.
jocelyn-flores_1_10-02-202 (40:56):
yes, yes.
So whether you want to plug inel cucuy or la chancla or la
cuchara, whatever, el cinto,right?
There's so many different, but,but the point is, regardless,
whatever resonates with you,it's the threat, right?
It's the, it's the threat.
It's the, the fear based oroppressive based, right?
Right.
Parenting style.
So yeah, that is modeled, right?
(41:17):
Because they learned that fromsomewhere.
They learned, hold on a second.
This is, this works.
This is how I was raised.
You hear that a lot.
This is how I was raised and Iturned out fine.
Right.
So, but, but that's what, right.
Yes.
If people could only see thefaces that we're making, but
yeah, we're going to screenshotthat one, but,
jessica_1_10-02-2024_20144 (41:36):
Yes.
jocelyn-flores_1_10-02-2024 (41:38):
but what I'm trying to get by that
is.
Again, we, we hear that right,even in our nervous systems
right now, as we said that wehad a reaction to the thought of
the thought of right.
So, yeah, so I don't know ifthat answers.
I think that should answer yourquestion of like, is does this
pass on?
Does it model?
(41:58):
Absolutely.
And I think that's why to circleback to the cycle breaking is.
How do I say this?
Like, there's parts of ourculture that we want to hold on
to, right?
There's beautiful parts of ourculture, comunidad what else is
there besides la comida?
That's my favorite.
But you know, there's like,there's,
jessica_1_10-02-2024_20144 (42:15):
Yes.
jocelyn-flores_1_10-02-2024 (42:16):
but there's others, right?
And it resonates with otherpeople in other ways.
But there's parts that arebeautiful to our culture that we
want to hang on to.
But then, you These are theparts that have been passed down
and have dysregulated oursystems, right?
Even again, we're a model ofthat just seconds ago of when we
talk about el cucuy, it bringsup feelings for us of like,
(42:39):
whoa, hold on, it already,right?
Our brains are wired to bedysregulated that way.
So imagine generations beforeus.
and the traumas they'veexperienced, right?
And how they're passing downtheir thoughts and what they
think is safe and what theythink they're doing is the best
part, right?
(42:59):
I think that's the whole part ofparenting too, is like they're,
they're, every parent is tryingto do the best they can with
what they
jessica_1_10-02-2024_201442 (43:05):
Mm hmm.
jocelyn-flores_1_10-02-2024 (43:06):
but that's what makes this
generation so different.
These cycle breakers is that weare actually pausing and saying,
hold on a second.
I don't want to raise my kid.
Like I'm going to break that.
I don't want to raise my kidthat way.
I want to do better.
jessica_1_10-02-2024_2014 (43:21):
Yeah.
jocelyn-flores_1_10-02-2 (43:21):
saying that they're parenting.
I can't speak for everybody, butwe don't want to say that it was
horrible because I know a lot ofpeople feel defensive about
that.
That's one of the biggestdebates in cycle breaking is
like, no, that's not what we'resaying.
We're just saying that we justwant to be better.
jessica_1_10-02-2024_20144 (43:36):
What are skills that you recommend
for moms to sort of centerthemselves?
And I know that you shared thebreathing exercise, but to avoid
dysregulation or after they getin this like dysregulated mode,
what are some skills?
And that way, we can be presentmoms.
(43:58):
I'm not saying that, this is sothat we can be perfect
individuals.
I don't think that there willever be a perfectionism in
parenting, specificallymotherhood.
But what are some typical skillsthat you recommend
jocelyn-flores_1_10-02-2024 (44:12):
I'm really big on those mindfulness
skills.
Okay.
So, so, like I shared, like yousaid, breathing.
And then I said the compassionas well.
Again, those are just likemindfulness skills.
But when you said the word,yeah, of let's even think about
it beforehand.
So not even the aftermath rightnow, we're talking about like,
before we get there, I think wehad to kind of alluded to this
(44:35):
earlier boundaries.
That's where boundaries reallycome in.
The boundaries are like aprecursor.
Think of them like that.
Like it's something that's gottabe put in place before.
Before the happening of it,right?
So I'll use that example of Ikeep using this one throughout
the whole episode.
Clearly I have experienced thismany times as a therapist.
(44:58):
A child throws something at you,that's going to happen.
That happens.
We're human,
jessica_1_10-02-2024_201442 (45:04):
Oh yeah.
It happens to me all the time.
All the time.
jocelyn-flores_1_10-02-20 (45:07):
Okay.
So to prevent going into thatdysregulation.
right?
We have to catch ourselvesbefore that.
We have to have thoseconversations.
And again, I get it.
Okay, I'm gonna use a three yearold or a two year old.
That's not gonna, you're notjust gonna be like, Hey, okay,
stop throwing this right?
Like that would work probably assomeone older, both the kiddo in
the moment, they're probably notgoing to grasp that right away.
(45:29):
So setting a boundary, and I'musing that specific example, but
boundaries in themselves,setting a boundary, even as it's
going to happen, like, Hey, Isee you Like if they start
throwing something, Hey, I seeyou're throwing things.
How about let's do this instead.
So redirection, right?
Like, Hey, how about let's dothis instead.
(45:49):
Cause if they throw something atyou again, you're probably going
to go instantly or at least it'sgoing to build up, right?
So that's where the skills, likeyou said, we're talking about
beforehand.
Those are the after skills, butbeforehand, Hey, I see you doing
this.
Last time we threw this, we'regoing to do something different.
Right.
We're going to redirect you.
This is your boundary.
Your boundary is like, I don't,I'm not okay with you throwing
(46:11):
this at me.
So let's do this instead.
That's a boundary.
jessica_1_10-02-2024_2014 (46:15):
Yeah.
jocelyn-flores_1_10-02-2024 (46:15):
And that's just this one example,
right?
But even in regards to like,okay, mom has got dishes to do.
Mom has got to take care of thekids, laundry, you name it.
Right.
And on top of that, we saidtaking care of ourselves.
Boundaries are critical, evenwith ourselves.
of being, I have, I have workedon this with a parent.
(46:37):
I can't disclose their name, butwe have talked about, okay,
boundaries within yourself ofone, you're only human.
So you're not super woman.
I mean, you, I'm a lot of momsare, but we don't need to rev
our nervous system to thatpoint, because think of it like
a car.
If you're going to use the gasall the way up every single day,
(46:58):
you're doing some damage to thatcar.
Right the same thing with ournervous system.
We have to manage and regulateHow much energy am I really
going to put into this?
Maybe today?
I only have energy to show upfor my kiddos and maybe Tonight,
I don't cook dinner tonight.
We're just gonna make sandwichesor tonight, right?
It's little things like thatYeah, and I see you nodding your
head, but that's a boundary italmost sounds so easy But it's
(47:20):
not I know because in the momentonce life happens, it's go go go
But that's where we have to setthe boundary with ourselves
Right?
And catch ourselves and say, howmuch energy do I have for this?
How much, right?
Cause you're talking aboutpreventative.
What can I do at this time?
I have work to do tonight.
I have my kiddos.
(47:41):
I'm going to watch him.
I put to bed, but maybe I don'twork for three hours plus,
because then I wake up the nextday and it's a cycle.
Maybe tonight I work and I dogood work for an hour and a
half.
I'm going to test that out.
It may not feel perfect rightaway, but that's a boundary.
jessica_1_10-02-2024_201442 (47:57):
I think, part of that
intentionality, in being aparent and raising, kids to be
cycle breakers and all thisstuff, like, I think that should
also be reflected on ourselvesand how we can also be
intentional on the way that we,on the way that.
We essentially want to achieveour very own goals and dreams
(48:20):
and aspirations and, and how wecan set those boundaries to and
I also think about.
So, like culturally speaking,for some reason we just think
that our mother in laws or mamasare going to show up and they're
going to judge our space.
Because I know that so many ofus have so much pressure about
(48:42):
keeping the house clean andtidy, if you don't have that
capacity because either you'reprioritizing on yourself, or,
you just want to spend qualitytime with your family.
Like it's all this give in orgive out sort of thing.
Like, how do we balance that?
And yeah, and I think it's evengiving yourself that boundary to
(49:04):
not think whether if you'redoing a good job or not.
you know, in this motherhoodjourney.
And yeah, I literally justthought about that, like giving
yourself permission to set thoseboundaries.
And that sort of aspect.
jocelyn-flores_1_10-02-20 (49:21):
Yeah, that was the other skill.
Remember the self compassion.
It's the way we talk toourselves.
Ay viene la comadre o ay vienela suegra, whoever comes is
coming, right?
And it's like,
jessica_1_10-02-2024_201 (49:31):
Right.
jocelyn-flores_1_10-02-202 (49:31):
it's like great.
Right?
Like, okay, because ourperfectionism comes up.
That is a cultural piece, right?
Of making sure this is okay.
This is okay over here.
And you're right.
So being kind to yourself that,you know what?
I was a great mom today.
Like I showed up for my kids.
They were fed, they ate, theylaughed, right?
(49:51):
Like they did this.
I even showed up for myself.
I let myself take a 10 minuteshower today and just enjoy,
right?
Whatever it is.
I know I'm exaggerating, but.
It's things like that, right?
Just being really mindful withthe parenting and the cycle
breaking.
Yeah.
jessica_1_10-02-2024_201 (50:08):
That's what matters.
Yes.
Well, Jocelyn, can you tell us alittle bit more about Raíz
Parenting and how can peopleconnect with you?
Because I'm sure they would loveto be a part of your community.
jocelyn-flores_1_10-02-2024 (50:21):
Oh, yes, I would love to connect
with them as well.
So yeah, so right now with riceparenting, I'm getting ready to
launch a parent membership,which I'm super excited for.
It's kind of generic, but I'mcalling it rice parenting
community.
That's the name is addedcommunity at the end.
But easy peasy, right on brand.
It's launching December thisDecember, actually.
(50:43):
So just in a couple months.
Oh, my goodness.
I'm looking at the calendar justin a couple months.
I'm super stoked.
And I'm going to be working withparents in a much closer
capacity.
So really stoked about that andactually a lot more accessible.
So that's why I wanted to do amembership because mental health
and coaching in itself can be sounaccessible in a sense in
regards to whether it's price orwhether it's, you know, just the
(51:06):
resources, things like that.
So I wanted to create thatspace, that community for
parents to come in and kind ofjust be vulnerable and kind of
work through their cycle, youknow, their own cycle breaking
journey because everyone's on adifferent.
Spot in their journey.
jessica_1_10-02-2024_201 (51:22):
Right.
jocelyn-flores_1_10-02-2024 (51:22):
And yeah, that's, that's kind of
what I'm launching this Decemberagain for if I use parenting,
but in regards to where peoplecan like find me.
Right now is let's see, I wouldsay go to Instagram.
That's probably the best placeto find me right now is on
Instagram at Raiz Parenting,that's R A I Z, like the Raiz,
(51:43):
like I said, of a tree.
So Raiz Parenting.
But I also have a gift, afreebie for your listeners.
I have a free mini workbook thatthey can go grab if they'd like
it.
It's for cycle breakers andit's.
That's exactly what we coveredtoday.
It's helping them find out someof their triggers when they
happen, what to be on thelookout for.
(52:04):
It's like we said, beingintentional with those little
steps.
Yes.
So it's a really mini workbook.
They can go download it for freeat www.
raiz parenting.
org.
Forward slash freebie.
So that's our F R E E B I E.
I know you'll have those linksand everything for them, but I
(52:27):
like to spell it out for folksbecause I'm that person.
jessica_1_10-02-2024_201442 (52:32):
I love it when people spell out
things.
Trust me.
Yes, it's so easy.
Yes.
Oh my gosh.
Thank you so much for providingthat to my listeners.
And I'll make sure to share itin the show notes for anyone who
prefers to just click on thelink.
jocelyn-flores_1_10-02-202 (52:48):
Yes,
jessica_1_10-02-2024_20144 (52:49):
Yes, yes.
Well, Jocelyn, thank you so muchfor being here.
I really appreciate it.
Like all of this truly resonateswith me and I'm sure with So
many mamas out there and, and Ithink our bodies deserve to just
be USA, like it really matters,you know, we just got to be USA.
That should be on the t shirt.
jocelyn-flores_1_10-02-20 (53:10):
Yeah, I love it.
Yeah, we'll trademark it.
We got it.
jessica_1_10-02-2024_2014 (53:12):
Well, thank you, Jessalyn.
I really appreciate it.
jocelyn-flores_1_10-02-202 (53:15):
Yes.
Thank you so much for having meand goodbye to everybody
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