129. Breaking Generational Cycles Through Restorative Parenting with Alex Fernandez

In this Father's Day episode, I had the privilege of sitting down with Alex Fernandez, an educator and father who's been working in Chicago Public Schools for 17 years. As someone who works at my son Diego's school and presented on restorative practices, Alex brought such valuable insights about intentional parenting from the Latino dad perspective. Our conversation really resonated with me, especially as we discussed the challenge of breaking generational cycles while honoring our cultural roots.

For detailed show notes, visit vivalamami.com/episode129

What You'll Hear:

• Why "what are you modeling?" is the most important question we can ask ourselves as parents
• How to validate our children's feelings while still maintaining boundaries
• Balancing traditional Latino values with intentional parenting approaches and handling family criticism
• Why therapy and personal growth are essential, plus how modeling accountability changes everything

Resources Mentioned:

• Mistaken Goal Chart

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Episode Transcript

alex_1_03-22-2025_090642 (00:00):
we have to start thinking about

(00:01):
just treating our kids likehumans, but that doesn't mean
like we're treating them as ourequals.
Right?
And that's the thing about whenwe talk about being Latino and
bringing some of like my mom'smethods and kind of what I've
learned, but combining them, youknow?
And I think that's where some ofus who had a strict upbringing
maybe even have an upper hand.
Because here's the next thing islike this idea of what we call

(00:23):
gentle parenting.
Gentle parenting when not donecorrectly, basically just raises
a brat

jessica_1_03-22-2025_09 (00:29):
Mm-hmm.

alex_1_03-22-2025_090642 (00:30):
Ado, and I'm gonna put it out there.
Maybe it's a hot take.
But what happens is gentleparenting.
When you're trying to talk to akid and they're screaming and
yelling, In the beginning, it'sgonna take two hours.
After five minutes, we're like,are you okay?
It's okay.
Just talk about your feelings.
It's okay.
And then we leave it.

jessica_1_03-22-2025_09 (00:47):
Mm-hmm.

alex_1_03-22-2025_090642 (00:48):
Well, now we're just being permissive.
Like we're not addressing theemotion.
We're not separating the emotionfrom the behavior.
We're not modeling how to workthrough those things.
We are not showing them thatthere are rules.
I teach and raise my kids.
I raise them and teach them forthe world that I want them to be
in.
I.

jessica_1_03-22-2025_09064 (01:08):
Hmm.

alex_1_03-22-2025_090642 (01:09):
But when they leave the house, I
also teach them to live in theworld we're actually in.
And those are two differentthings,

jessica_1_03-22-2025_09064 (02:22):
Ola.
Alex, how are you?

alex_1_03-22-2025_090642 (02:24):
Hola.
Good.
I'm good.
How are you doing this morning?
I,

jessica_1_03-22-2025_090643 (02:28):
I am great.
As long as I have a cup ofcoffee, I feel great.

alex_1_03-22-2025_090642 (02:32):
Yeah, me too.
I understand that.
I think all par, all parentsunderstand that.

jessica_1_03-22-202 (02:38):
Absolutely.
Yes.
Yes.
Well, I wanna thank you fortaking the time to be here.
I know you as an educator andjust like someone that is very
involved in the community aswell in the, in the school
specifically.
Being that you you work at myson's school, which is amazing.
And so you presented on asession about restorative

(03:01):
practices and parenting, and I'mlike, I need to have Alex on the
show because everything that youshared really resonated with me,
but especially coming from theLatino perspective and the
father perspective, reallywanted you to be here so that
you can share your experiencesand.
Kind of like your background aswell and your transition into

(03:24):
this especially once you becamea dad.
So

alex_1_03-22-2025_0 (03:27):
Absolutely.

Jessica (03:28):
Father's Day episode I am really excited to bring the
Latino dad perspective, uh,because it's so important, uh,
especially for those who areraising children who, where we
are intentional in breakinggenerational cycles.
Right?
So before we delve into theconversation, I would love for
you to introduce yourself.

(03:49):
If you can tell our listeners alittle bit more about your
background, your family, andeverything in between.

alex_1_03-22-2025_0 (03:56):
Absolutely.
Uh, and I think it kind of allties into, you know, my
philosophy being in education.
It all has to do with mybackground from how I was raised
to school, to work toeverything.
And so, yeah.
So.
My, I think the big thing is I'mfirst generation, you know, uh,

(04:17):
my dad's from Cuba.
He came over in 1980, uh,Mariel, you know, Mariel boat
lift.
And then my mom, uh, is fromMexico.
She's from, uh, and they methere in Chicago.
And so I think that's, you know,I think that's a key component
of, of my, like I said, how Ideal with kids and, and even my
own children.
And so I was born in Chicago andyou know, we lived here for a

(04:40):
while and then we kind of moved,and then when I was around five,
we moved to the Northwestsuburbs, we moved to Desplaines.
And then, you know, I livedthere and then I went to
Northeastern, uh, university formy undergrad.
And then I went to, eventuallygot my master's in, you know,
educational leadership.
But I taught in Little Village,which is a predominantly Latino

(05:01):
neighborhood in Chicago.
And I taught there for eight ornine years and I loved it, you
know, but.
Eventually I wanted to kind ofmove into administrative work.
And so I, I did leave and then Ihave been a dean now for nine
years.
So in total I've been in Chicagopublic schools for 17 years.
And then even before that I wasa camp counselor for like eight

(05:23):
years, you know, so overnightcamp and all that kind of stuff.
So there's that, you know, myprofessional side.
Uh, but then the personal side,I do have two children of my
own.
Uh, I have a 4-year-old Violeta,and then I have a one and a half
year old named Felix.
Yeah.
And so, you know, I think those,I think all those different
components, you know, mypersonal components and the uh,

(05:46):
professional ones combined havekind of shaped my philosophy and
just how even I deal personallywith my kids.

jessica_1_03-22-2025_0906 (05:54):
Yeah.
No, I love that.
I love that.
First of all, you come from aneducation background, so you and
the fact that you have been withchildren, right?
You understand theirexperiences.
You are more empathetic, youknow, to as to why they do the
things that they

alex_1_03-22-2025_090642 (06:14):
Yeah, when I talk about the camps and
stuff, you know, because peopleare like, well, why do you
always mention camps?
And I'm like, honestly, for me,as an educator, uh, those early
days when I was taking thosepedagogy, you know, those
college courses at the sametime, I was an overnight, you
know, I was doing camps in thesummer.
And, and the thing is, I, I waslike, I, I tell people, I'm like
the Jane Goodall of teenagersbecause when you're at a camp,

(06:37):
you live among them.
You're in the cabin.
So, you know, I think somepeople, they go, they get their
degree and then they kind ofjump in the classroom.
But while I was studying a lotof these.
Like I said, the pedagogy andthe theories and stuff, I was
pr, I was applying'em, you know,I, I cracked a couple eggs.
But being at the camp, you know,you're with the kids constantly,
you really start to learn andget to know how they interact

(06:58):
and stuff.
And so, you know, I think thatthat was a, definitely a, where
this whole journey, you know,kind of kicked off, you know.

jessica_1_03-22-2025_0906 (07:05):
Yeah.
That's awesome.
I love it.
And especially as you as firstgen, you have a unique
perspective.
You, I think you could be moreunderstanding towards other, uh,
students who also come from thatbackground, right, who are first
generation.
And as someone who is a productof CPS, myself, the Chicago
Public Schools.

(07:28):
I was able to tell who wasunderstanding of my lived
experiences versus those thatwere not.
And that made a huge impact interms of connecting with
educators that really understoodwhere I came from.
Like, you know, why is it that Idon't know certain systems, uh,
and why I didn't have thecapital compared to other peers?

(07:49):
And so that is such a huge pieceand component when you're
thinking about, you know, why isit that some students make
certain decisions or, you know,why do they react a certain way
versus others?
And, and yeah, that makes a hugedifference.

alex_1_03-22-2025_0 (08:04):
Absolutely.
I think a lot of times peopledon't take into perspective the
whole student, you know?
And so I do bring that up.
So, you know, going to schooland displays, you know, I'm
grateful for it and it gave me alot of opportunities.
But at the same time, you know,at least at that time, there
were not tons of Latinos, in, inelementary school or middle
school, high school, a littlebit more.

(08:25):
But even then it was definitely,you know, that's kind of where
my journey also in my identityand just, you know, Latina,
that.
You know, quote unquote Latindad, you know, am I Latino
enough?
But that's where it beganbecause, you know, I was either,
and I know a lot of peopleexperience this, either not, you
know, Latino enough for theLatinos or two Latino for the

(08:49):
Whites and Caucasians.
And so it was just kind of codeswitching is what it's now I
know it's a skill at the time.
I'm like, oh man, oh man.
But now I know it's an actualskill called code switching,
right?
Being able to have that abilityto go between both worlds, both
cultures, languages, slang,everything.
Right?
Even, you know, and so, itbringing that now to my career

(09:11):
and just realizing like, yeah,you know, you see a kid and, and
you realize there's a lot moreto that kid, you know, there's a
lot more depth and there's somany things that are affecting
them and what's going on

jessica_1_03-22-202 (09:23):
Absolutely.
Oh, wow.
Yeah, and we're definitely gonnadelve into that.
But more so on the parentperspective.

alex_1_03-22-2025_090642 (09:30):
For sure.

jessica_1_03-22-2025_090643 (09:31):
So as an educator and a dad, could
you share your journey intorestorative practices?
And first of all, what is that?

alex_1_03-22-2025_090642 (09:40):
Sure.

jessica_1_03-22-2025_090643 (09:41):
is restorative

alex_1_03-22-2025_090642 (09:43):
Yeah.
So, you know, restorativepractices aren't just it, it's
not just for education really.
If we want to take it to thisnext level of why I, I became a
dean and started becominginteresting in this, you know,
we have to, you know, we have tobe frank, right?
And unfortunately, there's adisproportionate number of of

(10:03):
people of color, especiallymales prison, you know, it's
what we call that pipeline, the,the school to prison pipeline,
right?
And so, you know, the last 30years, I would say more or less,
there's been a lot of researchand just work on how do we
prevent that, you know?
And so restorative practicesbegan, kind of began of how do

(10:24):
we use, different theories andphilosophies to get to the root
cause of a behavior, right?
We know that these things arehappening.
But instead of we're just gonnalock someone up and do that
let's actually get to the rootcause.
Let's give them help.
Let's, let's help rehabilitate,right?
Well taking that and it's like,okay, well let's really get to
the root then.

(10:45):
Well, the root is what kind offoundation, educational
foundation are they getting?
What kinds of supports?
So taking that philosophy ofrestorative practices or the
idea of getting to the rootcause of something or focusing
on rehabilitation.
You take it and you apply toschool.
So that's kind of a little bitof background on, on this term,
restorative practices.
In terms of my journey, I reallyfeel like there's maybe three or

(11:09):
four kind of milestones orkeytones for me.
You know, as I was thinkingabout it, and I think the first
thing is my own growth.
And so, and I know we can delveinto that more.
'cause a lot of people ask melike, okay, my kid is always
doing this and they're doingthat.
Or like, you know, what's thesecret?
What's the magic wand?
There's no magic wand.
But it starts with you andpeople hate hearing that.

(11:34):
And the thing is, I'm nottalking like a five minute,
like, oh, well okay, I'm gonnado this because no, I'm talking
therapy.
I'm talking lifelong reflection.
Right?
And so for me, even before Iknew what restorative practices
were, or even before I knew whateducation was, you know, when I
was starting college and in highschool it, a lot of it was just

(11:57):
like, man, my parents talked tome this certain way, or this is
how we communicated.
I don't like that it was me inmy relationships, my college,
you know, high schoolgirlfriends being defensive all
the time and realizing, oh, I'mdefensive.
Because in my household, when wewould argue, it wasn't about uh,

(12:18):
coming with a solution, it wasabout how can I hurt that other
person?
So at home we model ourcommunication styles.
We model how to have anargument.
And so then you know, me onmyself, just thinking about in
my interactions with my wife andgetting to the root cause of why
do, why am I defensive?

(12:39):
Why do I, you know,automatically try to turn things
and, and blame her and why, youknow, why do these things
happen?
So that's one component.
Even before I knew I was doingit, or before I would call it
restorative practices, I've, youknow, I've always been trying to
reflect to better myself.
Right?
That's the first component.

jessica_1_03-22-2025_09 (12:55):
Mm-hmm.

alex_1_03-22-2025_090642 (12:55):
I think another, the second
keystone.
When I was a high school teacherin Little Village, I did this
curriculum.
Uh, I was a social scienceteacher, but once a week I would
do what we call like a socialemotional learning or, you know,
uh, a curriculum that focuseson, once again, the whole
student, like their, theirwellbeing.
Right?
And so this particularcoincidentally enough, it was

(13:18):
like a, it was about podcasting,right?
But it wasn't really aboutpodcasting.
It was about listening.
And the key, key thing beingwhether it's a kid or an adult
or your spouse, is thatlistening is not the same as
hearing.
You can hear a sound, butlistening is the processing of

(13:39):
that, right?
And so when I would do thisclass with the kids, I would
kind of, it was a prepackagedlesson, I would do it.
But then I sat there and Istarted like actually
participating, and then Istarted opening up about my
background, right?
With the kids.
And then what I realized was theputting in the time that once a

(14:01):
week, you know, it wasn't socialscience, it wasn't what I was
doing the rest of the week, buton Fridays doing that, the other
four days, those students wereready to do what I asked them.
And it's because we made thatconnection.
And so that kind of clicked.
'cause then I'm like, okay,there's something to focusing on

(14:21):
the root cause there's somethingto taking time out and just
talking to the kids and makingthat connection.
Them seeing me as human, meseeing them as human, and then
making connections and thentying it to that first component
of my own reflection.
Because it was literally throughthat teaching that class that I
started my own growth as to whyI was, how I was in my

(14:44):
relationships, the importance oflistening the importance of
sometimes not speaking

jessica_1_03-22-2025_0906 (14:51):
Yeah.

alex_1_03-22-2025_090642 (14:52):
right.
How many of us.
When we're in a discussion andargument, we already know what
we're gonna say.
Well, how can you already knowwhat you're gonna say if you're
not, you know, I did improv fora while in Chicago and I loved
it.
Even that, right?
I learned like, you have tolisten.
You, you may have an idea forthe scene, but that does not

(15:14):
matter.
Like, you can still honor it anddo it, but how are you gonna
meld it with what the otherperson's saying, right?
And so I think that was thesecond keystone.
That's where things started toconnect as an educator in the
early days, right?
So, fast forward, I become anadministrator and, you know, I
was trying to be, I wanted be adean or some kind of, you know,
quote unquote disciplinarian.

(15:35):
And so in those early days, Idid a duke, I went to a lot of
different trainings, and that'swhen I really jumped into the
swimming pool.
And what I noticed was there wassome discipline professional
developments, and I'm like,okay.
I was really getting into thesocial emotional ones.
I was really, you know, as adean, obviously I've learned a

(15:57):
lot from the principal andassistant principal.
They are probably the bestadministrators I've ever met.
Right.
But in terms of the restorativecomponent, one of the best just
teachers or people I ever had,it was a social worker.
And she had done it for like 30years.
And I learned so much from herin terms of mental health and

(16:20):
the whole student and getting tothe root cause of why things
happen, right?
And so, it was through therethat I learned about peace
circles.
You know, that's a way to todeescalate a situation, right?
I learned about restorativeconversation.
So restorative practices is theumbrella that everything falls
under all these differenttheories and strategies you can

(16:41):
use to, to get to the wholestory.
Child, right, to help them.
Uh, but restorativeconversations is even more
specific way of how do you speakto a kid?
How do you get to the rootcause?
And so you mix that all in, youknow, you mix it from my
reflection on my own life mixwith my professional aspects,
mix with, you know, the trainingand then practice.

(17:03):
I mean, you know, the one thingis, you know, I'm, I, I think
I'm pretty humble and like, I,I'm not, I'm just a guy, I'm
just a dad who happened to be inthe right place at the right
time, who kind of went into thiscareer.
And I, all, I've had, the onlydifference between me and anyone
else is, is I've practiced, likeI'm con 17 years I've been in
education, you know, I'veprobably, I, you know, hundreds

(17:27):
if not, you know, little overthousands of kids.
So I get, I've had practice, soit doesn't mean I'm better at
it.
I just trust me.
I've had more practice.
And with my own kid, that allgoes out the window, right.
So,'cause like I said, I'm justa guy that had, but trust me,
there are days where I'm like, Iget real old school and, you

(17:48):
know, I'm like, well, where's mychala?
And like, you know, so the thingis, but that's what growth is,
is it's, it's taking ownershipand knowing your flaws and then
going from there.

jessica_1_03-22-2025_0906 (17:59):
Yeah.
Yeah.
And a lot of the, so what Ioften say here on the podcast
and really through my platform,is that there's this shame and
guilt, right?
We feel guilty of doing all ofthe things that we are doing
against our kids, We just wannabe the perfect mom.
We wanna be the perfect parent.

(18:20):
But in reality, we are alsohealing in this process because
it does take a lot of reflectionon the way that we grew up, on
the way that we were modeledreally after the adults in our
families.
And it, it, it's such a process.
I have never been so triggeredin my life I had kids.

(18:44):
And that's when I'm like, wow.
And I've always, I always usedto say like, I had a perfect
childhood.
I had such a great childhood.
And yes, I would say that yes Idid.
But in terms of when I encountercertain situations with Diego
specifically, who is four, we,I, I just don't realize how

(19:06):
triggered I get and then Ireflect and I'm like, wow.
It's because my mom used toscream at me.
That's why I get triggeredwhenever Diego screams at me

alex_1_03-22-2025_090642 (19:16):
Yeah,

jessica_1_03-22-2025_09064 (19:17):
and, and it's not because my mom
would say it in a disciplinaryway.
I just think my mom yells a lot

alex_1_03-22-2025_090642 (19:24):
yeah,

jessica_1_03-22-2025_090643 (19:24):
and with all the noise and it, it is
overstimulating and I just don'tknow how

alex_1_03-22-2025_090642 (19:29):
yeah.

jessica_1_03-22-2025_090643 (19:29):
and I

alex_1_03-22-2025_090642 (19:29):
My.

jessica_1_03-22-2025_090643 (19:30):
by it.

alex_1_03-22-2025_090642 (19:31):
You know, I was telling you that my
dad's Cuban, so like, and whenI'm on the phone, people, you
know, we speak Spanish andpeople are like, why are you
arguing?
And I'm like, I'm not, we'rejust talking, we're not arguing.
What do you mean?
Why are we, you know what Imean?
And so I totally get that.
You know, to your point, I thinkthe thing is you know,'cause I
was thinking back on what you'resaying right now, and, and when
I was doing the presentation,and, you know, I always open the

(19:51):
presentation with when parentsask me, so, you know, if, if
people are taking notes, right?
If, if there's one thing youremember from this entire
podcast or you know, this entireconversation, write this down,
tattoo it on your forearm, writeit on the inside of your kaa,
you know, do what you need to,but what are you modeling?
That's it.

(20:12):
At the end of the day, you know,when you're driving and someone
cuts you off, how do you reactwhen you are talking to your
partner?
How are you speaking to themwhen you are mad about
something, a sports game, right?
You're losing it because yourteam is losing.
Well, if that's how you act fora sport, you know what you're

(20:35):
teaching your kid is like,little problems.
We should react big, right?
Or when we get angry, this ishow should we should react.
And, and so I think that's thenumber one thing is your kids
are always watching andlistening even when you don't
think they are.
You know, my son is one and ahalf and he, you know, if I say

(20:55):
clothes in the hamper, clothesin the hamper, he takes the
clothes and he puts it in thehamper, right?
And then you know, I go, okay,help me feed Frankie.
That's our dog.
He, you know, opens.
Or I help open the thing and hegets the little thing and you
know, it's falling on the floor,the food, but he's doing it, you
know.
But once again, like I said,there are also days when I'm

(21:16):
like, why are you crying?
Like, do you not understand me?
Stop.
You know, that is not every day.
And that's the thing is, youknow, but at the end of the day,
he's watching and seeing us.
And so, you know, he loves toclean because he has his little
toy broom and everything.
Kids will repeat what you do.
And that's the key thing if youtake anything away from today is
like, you're, you're even youranxieties, you know, that's the

(21:37):
one thing that I've seen overthe course of 17 years is that
we pass our anxieties onto ourkids and we don't even know it.

jessica_1_03-22-2025_090 (21:44):
right.

alex_1_03-22-2025_090642 (21:45):
And so they then show those in school
or they demonstrate it in otheraspects of life.
And so, you know, we model.
And so since we do model, then Ithink the first step to trying
to be the best parent you can.
It's first, like you said,looking at yourself.
When Violet was born, that's myoldest.
I'm like, okay, I'm gonna go totherapy.

(22:06):
Like, you know, a lot ofLatinos, you know, like all of
us, we had the mentality oflike, oh, you just, you know,
uh, put your nose to thegrindstone, do what you need to
do, you know, et cetera, etcetera.
You know?
But the thing is, once I didthat, it changed my outlook, it

(22:26):
changed my path.
And you know, so that's, theparenting starts with yourself

jessica_1_03-22-2025_09064 (22:32):
Yes.

alex_1_03-22-2025_090642 (22:32):
what are we modeling and are we in
the right mindset to model?
Right?
Have we tried to heal?
Have we really talked aboutthose things?
And, and try to really see whywe do what we do.

jessica_1_03-22-2025_090 (22:45):
Right?
Yes.
Oh my gosh.
And, and this is the hardestpart about parenting, I

alex_1_03-22-2025_090642 (22:50):
Yes.

jessica_1_03-22-2025_090643 (22:51):
not the newborn phase.
Like I think as soon as ourkids.
Have their personality when theybuild up their personality and
are dealing with another person.
And I always say that asparents, we're in this position
of leadership, right?
We're kind of like the managersof the household.
And when you're dealing withdifferent personalities, how do

(23:12):
you go about their way, right?
How, how can we meet somewherein the middle, if you

alex_1_03-22-2025_09064 (23:19):
Mm-hmm.

jessica_1_03-22-2025_090643 (23:19):
To try to resolve an issue to, you
know, get to your point but alsorespect the their point as well.
But it takes a lot of work andfor many of us, we grew up in
this more traditional,authoritarian type of parenting
approach.
And to be honest, it is so hardto break.
And I appreciate you sharinghow, like some days you're a

(23:42):
respectful parent and other daysyou're

alex_1_03-22-2025_090642 (23:45):
Oh, I'm old school.
Some days I'm old school, juststraight up medieval and I'm
just like, you're gonna sit inthis chair and like, do not
move.
And like, you know,

jessica_1_03-22-2025_0906 (23:54):
Yeah,

alex_1_03-22-2025_090642 (23:54):
that's parenting, that's being a human.
But once again, it goes back tothe modeling because it's so, so
this is the example I use isyes, I yell at my kid and yes, I
lose it at her.
And yes.
You know, sometimes she'll startcrying'cause she's like, oh my
gosh.
It's what we do afterwards.
And that's the thing, peoplethink that emotions are bad.
Getting mad is not.

(24:16):
A bad thing.
And this is what we're, now,we're noticing more and more
with a lot of kids, especiallypost COVID, is they don't know
how to navigate their emotions.
And as parents, when they startscreaming or crying, we say,
stop, you know, it's fine.
Why do you crying about this andthat?
Or you know, relax, relax.
And we pa but what we need tosay is, Hey, hey, hey, hey.

(24:38):
It's okay to be sad and you caneven be mad and if you wanna
stomp, stomp, but we're notgonna yell'cause that's just
disrespectful.
So now what I've done is I'vetaken the behavior and separated
from the emotion.
And that's one of the hardestthings as a Latino, is because
just the way, or, you know, andI don't wanna paint broad
strokes, but like, in your moretraditional families, right?

(24:59):
That is a hard aspect where wekind of lump it all together and
we're like, well, you know,emotions we have to be like, you
know, real kind of controlled.
And you know, now if you know.
There's some Vicente playing inthe background and some, you
know, Kopa and stuff, then wecan be emotional.
But even that kind of thinking,you know, but I think that's,

(25:21):
that's, that's the, uh, keycomponent of it is, is it, it
separating.
So if, like I said, if you'remaking bullet points listening
to this, I think another thingthat I've learned just through
experience is separating theemotion from the behavior

jessica_1_03-22-2025_09 (25:37):
Mm-hmm.

alex_1_03-22-2025_090642 (25:38):
them it's okay.
Because what we're doing iswe're teaching them to push the
emotion away.
So now when we're not around andthey have that feeling in their
stomach, they're not gonna knowhow to handle it.

jessica_1_03-22-2025_09 (25:50):
Mm-hmm.

alex_1_03-22-2025_090642 (25:50):
to walk them through, especially at
that age, we have to walk themthrough the emotions and how to
handle it.
And then kind of going back to,so when I'm angry and I yell at
her, all happen, but afterwardsI apologize.

jessica_1_03-22-2025_09 (26:04):
Mm-hmm.

alex_1_03-22-2025_090642 (26:04):
And that's the other thing I want to
bring up when we talk aboutLatino parents and how we do
things.
So I, my, my wife and I have ajoke.
So with my mom, it's called,it's what I call the it's called
the, the Dona Maria apology.
'cause this is how my momapologizes to me.
Anytime we have an argument fromwhen I, this is how she

(26:26):
apologized, you know, I love youson, and, and you know,
everything I do is because Ilove you.
That's as much as an apology I'mgonna get.
She's not gonna say, I am sorry.

jessica_1_03-22-2025_090 (26:46):
Right.

alex_1_03-22-2025_090642 (26:46):
not gonna happen.

jessica_1_03-22-2025_0906 (26:48):
Nope.

alex_1_03-22-2025_090642 (26:48):
not gonna happen.
Right?

jessica_1_03-22-2025_ (26:50):
relevant.

alex_1_03-22-2025_090642 (26:53):
It's for your good.
It's for your good.
Okay.
I get it, mom.
You know, and I understand that.
You know, even with her though,man, the stuff that she had to
go through and to get here andher history, and I take that
into account and I go, okay,like what was, what were her
parents like?

jessica_1_03-22-2025_09 (27:09):
Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.

alex_1_03-22-2025_090642 (27:10):
So, you know, taking that into
consideration and stuff.
And so, but yeah, I, I thinkthat's another component of it
is, is we have to apol, we haveto be humans.
I tell my daughter, I'm sorry orshe'll come and say, I wanna
play.
And instead of just pushing heraway, I'll be dead honest.
I go, Hey, you know howsometimes you're tired after
school right now, dad is likereally tired and I know that if

(27:35):
I play with you, I'm just get, Imight get upset and it's not
gonna be your fault, and I don'twanna do that.
And so you just tell'em whatyou're feeling.
And I think that's the otherthing is we don't, you know, in,
in a lot of traditionalhouseholds, there's a hierarchy.

jessica_1_03-22-2025_09 (27:49):
Mm-hmm.

alex_1_03-22-2025_090642 (27:50):
and so, and in a sec, you know, we
can talk about to like, youknow, being.
Restorative.
You can still be stern.
That's the thing though.
And you, you don't just let yourkids do what you want, but at
the same time, you know, therehas to be some understanding and
we have to have compassion.
We have to show them what do wedo after we get mad?
And what could we have donedifferently?
Because once they see thatyou're human, then they

(28:12):
understand, okay, these arenormal feelings.
Right?
A lot of kids think theirparents are superheroes, so when
they feel it, they think they'remessing up because we don't show
them how the sausage is made,

jessica_1_03-22-2025_09 (28:25):
Mm-hmm.

alex_1_03-22-2025_090642 (28:26):
And so they need to see that.
No, no, no, no.
Like that's part of being humanand this is what we do to, to
resolve it.
We have to show them that.

jessica_1_03-22-2025_09064 (28:34):
Yes.
Oh, I love this.
I love this.
And then that comes in theexpense of us like navigating
this right?
Where we are in a wholedifferent generation and, and we
are bicultural when you reallythink about it, right?
Like there are aspects from ourculture, our, the motherland
that we're implementing in ourparenting, but there's also this

(28:58):
other aspect of, you know, theAmericanized way.
And, and so it makes it so hardthat we we're doing so much work
it is tiring.

alex_1_03-22-2025_090642 (29:09):
Yeah.

jessica_1_03-22-2025_090643 (29:10):
so what would you say for a mom who
is trying to be veryintentional, right?
And being a respectful parentand.
You know, uh, perhaps utilizingthese practices, she perhaps
receives criticism from familymembers and not just a mom.
Right.

(29:30):
It could be a dad, a parent whomay view these approaches a
little too permissive.
Like, what, what would you say

alex_1_03-22-2025_090642 (29:37):
Yeah.
So I think it goes back to, youknow, in our journey to be a
good parent, you're never gonnabe the perfect parent, you know?

jessica_1_03-22-2025_0906 (29:47):
Yeah.

alex_1_03-22-2025_090642 (29:48):
You, you yourself, you just can't get
to that.
There is no, you can't be, it'shuman nature.
You can be phenomenal parent,you know, ultimately it's your
kids, your kids will let youknow if you're the perfect
parent, but we can't be the onesto, to kind of bestow that on
ourselves.
Right.

jessica_1_03-22-2025_09064 (30:02):
Hmm.

alex_1_03-22-2025_090642 (30:03):
And so, you know, with that being
said, the first step though, in,in that journey, and I keep
going back to this, is your ownmental health.

jessica_1_03-22-2025_09064 (30:15):
Hmm.

alex_1_03-22-2025_090642 (30:15):
And so what I mean by that is you have
to understand the people in yourlife.
And sometimes family members maynot be they, they just may not
be healthy for you.
And no one wants to hear that.
And once again, I'm not aprofessional or anything, but
that's where I'm saying go to atherapist.

(30:36):
But what I will say though is wehave to learn how to make those
boundaries.
That's one of the hardestthings.
And even more so, you know, andonce again, and especially in
some Latino communities, youknow, it's a very tough thing.

jessica_1_03-22-2025_09064 (30:50):
Yes.

alex_1_03-22-2025_090642 (30:51):
you know, the joke, once again, I,
you know, I, I joke about my moma lot.
It's, it's how, it's how Iprocess.
No.
So, but you know, once again,the thing that I joke with my,
my, my wife is I go, oh man, Igo, you know, my mom's gonna be
a hundred.
She's gonna live to be like ahundred or 150, but just because
she's gonna do it outta spite,she's gonna live to be 150 so

(31:13):
she can outlive her sisters.
She's gonna do it outta spite,you know, and that's the joke I
make is that like a la laLatina, like those old school,
like, you know, Mexican momslive to be like real old because
they're like, no.
Like, there's just, so Ana Margoes there, I'm, I'm, no, I'm
just gonna stay alive.
Because to make your lifedifficult, you know, it feels
like that sometimes.
Right?

(31:33):
Well, what can you do?
What can I do with someone likethat?
Right?
And so, sometimes.
And, and so that's why I don'twanna get, there's no magic
answer because each family isdifferent.

jessica_1_03-22-2025_09 (31:45):
Mm-hmm.

alex_1_03-22-2025_090642 (31:46):
But you have to go on that journey,
talk to a professional, talk tosomeone that can help you figure
out those boundaries.
So some boundaries might lookdifferent.
Like the way I do it is like,you know, with my mom, she might
say.
And so now to kind of go intomore specifics, I'll use myself
as an example.
There are times where my momwill say something and I, I will

(32:09):
say this, don't answer rightaway.
You gotta do a, you gotta do theflow chart first, right?
So in my brain, when my mom sayssomething, the first thing I go
is, is this worth mentioning ornot?
And then the second thing is,okay, what's her root cause?
It's not just about ourchildren.
You know, I say modeling isimportant'cause it's the root

(32:30):
cause.
Why is your spouse or partner oryou know, you know, why are they
talking to you that way?
Why are they saying this thisway?
Why is your kid do this?
So the second thing I ask myselfis I go, okay, what is this a
part of?
Is this part of her ownexperience?
You know, you know, she's, myparents were old school in their
aspect that like, yeah, my, mydad didn't necessarily give her

(32:54):
flowers all the time orappreciate her, or, you know,
those types of things.
Right?
And something in my head thatreally stuck as my mom would
always be like,

jessica_1_03-22-2025_09064 (33:11):
Hmm.

alex_1_03-22-2025_090642 (33:11):
you know, when I was sick and stuff,
your dad would never bring me atea.
And something about that burnedin my brain and what that
represents, right?

jessica_1_03-22-2025_09 (33:20):
Mm-hmm.

alex_1_03-22-2025_090642 (33:20):
And so I bring that up because I mean,
I could go on, I mean hours, youknow?
'cause here's the thing is mydad worked nights.
So until I was in the, until Iwas a freshman in high school.
So from when I was born all theway up to when I was about 14 in
the evenings, it was just me andmy mom, you know, and I had an
older brother, he was around,but it was my mom.
So really everything I saw wasthrough her.

jessica_1_03-22-2025_0906 (33:42):
Yeah.

alex_1_03-22-2025_090642 (33:42):
And so, and I bring that up because,
okay, to go to the question ofwhen they bring that up,
alright, so now my mom sayssomething to me and I go, okay,
is it worth bringing arguing?
Is this tied to something thatshe's had to go through?
And then lastly, you have tohave a checklist of what's
important to you.
So I have like borders, right?
And sometimes she may saysomething regarding like the way

(34:06):
something my wife does, not in amean way, but once again, just
in that Latina, that nature way,the whole like, oh.
You mean you want me to takethat stuff down?
But anytime it's somethingdirected or something that's

(34:28):
ancillary to my wife, I shut itdown because that is a boundary
that I've set.
That's the one thing she won'tdo.
Right.
And sometimes she'll be like,oh, and I will just outright
like, you know, I'll, I'llwrite, call it because I know I
don't do it, you know, but I'mlike, look, I'm a grown man that

(34:50):
pays taxes.
I put my own pants on, brush myown teeth.
You know, like I have facialhair, like, so I.
I think I've done pretty okay,mom.
You know what I mean?
And so sometimes you have toshut it down.
And so, so I think it really isthat checklist though.
I think it's, it's, it'sdifferent for everyone.
So you're gonna real, that'swhat it is, is setting

(35:11):
boundaries.
But that's gonna be differentfor different people.
if there was a general answer, Iwould say that's kind of how,
you know, if you do have afamily member that is constantly
critiquing you and constantlydoing these things, you know,
like it's just how much can youtake?
And, and I don't mean that in a,in a, like a di dismissive way.
I mean it in a literal sense of,man, my mom, you know, and this,

(35:34):
not my mom, but like in general,like, you have to ask yourself
like, or dad or, or aunt orcousin or you know, whatever.
Just that other person that'scritiquing, you have to ask
yourself what did they gothrough?
And if you can just let it rolloff your back, let it roll off
your back.
And if you can't, then maybesomething needs to be said.
But once again, you have to havethe tools.

(35:56):
You can't just, if you've nevergone to therapy or you've never
talked to someone, when they dothat and you set your boundary,
you're gonna just do it in thesame old way that they did it
and now you're just doing thecycle.
So that's the, that's theasterisk is before you do that
though, you have to have theright tools and you gotta get
those from someone else, from anoutsider.

jessica_1_03-22-202 (36:15):
Absolutely.

alex_1_03-22-2025_090642 (36:16):
And once again, I'm just a guy.
Like I, I'm figuring it out.
You know, here's the thing, I'mnot a single parent.
I'm have that stress.

jessica_1_03-22-2025_09 (36:26):
Mm-hmm.

alex_1_03-22-2025_090642 (36:27):
That's a saint, that's a whole other
thing.
And that's what I'm saying iseveryone's journey is different.
And it's so hard.
And I know like, you know, it'sabout time.
Like I, I am very blessed and soI'm able to access these things,
but a lot of people don't havethat.
Right.
And so, you know, it, it, maybeit just starts on asking
yourself questions and goingfrom there and like, you know,

(36:50):
this is not a end all be all.
There's some general things andhopefully people pick things up.
But at the end of the day, youknow, I always say that is like,
I'm just, I'm just a dad.
I've been in education, but I'mnot a single parent or I'm not
working two jobs, or, you know,it's easier said than done.
And I think that's the big thingis as long as you love your
kids, I think that's what'simportant.
You know?
But it, you know, this is allsaid from my perspective as like

(37:13):
a man, as, as a male.

jessica_1_03-22-2025_09 (37:15):
Mm-hmm.

alex_1_03-22-2025_090642 (37:16):
who has a, you know, I have a, a
master's degree.
I, I have a family, you know, Ihave a partner that's there to
support me, that I'm blessed.
My mom is retired, she helpsout.
Like, so I'm also coming from a,you know, and, and I, that's the
thing is we're all different.
And so we're all on thesedifferent journeys, but I think
it's just about trying to, youknow, at least even if you can't

(37:38):
do it professionally, at leasttry to think about why things
are how they are.
Because I will say before I everwent to therapy, I had already
figured, like my therapist islike, wow, you have a lot of
stuff that you've already kindof processed, right?
And so I had to start makingthose connections on my own and
being like, why am I sodefensive in arguments?
Why am I like this?
Why am I like that?

(37:59):
And so, you know, at least thatcomponent I think we can all do
is just start reflecting onourselves before we reflect on
others or even our own, our, ourown children.

jessica_1_03-22-202 (38:08):
Absolutely.
Yeah.
One of the things that Alex, myhusband and I about before
having kids is like, what aresome things that you don't wanna
repeat in the way that you wereparented?
what are other things that youdo wanna repeat, but perhaps
modify Alex's family is verydifferent than my family.
His are very, like, are kind ofcoexisting, you keep things

(38:33):
reserved to yourself.
And for me, like my family we'revery over I was like,

alex_1_03-22-2025_090642 (38:39):
Yeah.

jessica_1_03-22-202 (38:41):
overexpress ourselves and our feelings and
we put everything out there onthe table.
And so it, it definitely becomesa different dynamic when once
you do become a parent, buthaving at least those initial
conversations and reflect onyour past and what you wanna
change, what you wannaimplement, you know, it makes a
big difference

alex_1_03-22-2025_090642 (39:01):
Yeah.
The thing I always say too isthat if, if you are blessed
enough and you know, or, or youdo have a partner that's helping
you, you know, sometimes yougotta get, you gotta get your
chocolate and their peanutbutter and they have to get
their peanut butter in yourchocolate and then it's
delicious, right?
And so what I mean by that is,like my wife and I, you know,
with our parenting styles, ourbackgrounds, her, her background

(39:23):
is completely different, youknow, and so finding that
balance and, you know, it'sonly, you know, my daughter's
five and I really feel like it'sonly been in the last year and a
half that we finally found abalance, right?
Because.
We had to kind of, you know,like I, I feel like maybe I was
a little too soft in thebeginning and, because of

(39:47):
wanting to do restorativepractice, but more so because of
my own fear of what if I openthat door and then I let the ca
you know, then I, I become this,you know?
But then she was a little bitmore strict, but she's a high
school counselor.
She doesn't work with littlekids.
And so over time we've reallycombined and now we have found
this middle ground where we arestern, but fair.

(40:10):
We just basically treat her likea human.
Like,

jessica_1_03-22-2025_090 (40:12):
Right,

alex_1_03-22-2025_090642 (40:13):
you know, like no one wants to be
told what to wear.
And that's an example I alwaysuse of like when we get mad and
we make our kids wear what wewant'em to wear.
Right?
Who cares?
And this is why I say is it goesback to you're as an adult.
Why do you really care what theywear?

(40:34):
Because you don't wanna beembarrassed.
The key word there being you,

jessica_1_03-22-2025_09 (40:38):
Mm-hmm.

alex_1_03-22-2025_090642 (40:39):
don't wanna be embarrassed.
They're being you.
You don't want to be able topick their own outfit and that's
where you teach

jessica_1_03-22-2025_09064 (40:46):
Yes.

alex_1_03-22-2025_090642 (40:46):
em those skills,

jessica_1_03-22-2025_090 (40:48):
Right.

alex_1_03-22-2025_090642 (40:49):
right?
And so we have to start thinkingabout like, you know, that's it.
I think it's just treating ourkids like humans, but that
doesn't mean like we're treatingthem as our equals.
Right?
And that's the thing about whenwe talk about being Latino and
bringing some of like my mom'smethods and kind of what I've

(41:10):
learned, but combining them, youknow?
And I think that's where some ofus who had a strict upbringing
maybe even have an upper hand.
Because here's the next thing islike restorative practices.
This idea of what we call gentleparenting.
Gentle parenting when not donecorrectly, basically just raises
a brat

jessica_1_03-22-2025_09 (41:30):
Mm-hmm.

alex_1_03-22-2025_090642 (41:31):
Ado, and I'm gonna put it out there.
Maybe it's a hot take.
But what happens is gentleparenting.
When you're trying to talk to akid and they're screaming and
yelling, you're like, okay,let's sit.
Let's talk.
In the beginning, it's gonnatake two hours.

jessica_1_03-22-2025_09064 (41:48):
Hmm.

alex_1_03-22-2025_090642 (41:49):
When my daughter started getting to
that age where she was havingthe, you know, the meltdowns and
stuff, and she's just testingboundaries.
In the beginning it was thatmix.
Sometimes I had to stick her ina chair.
I said, no, you will sit in thischair.
This is a timeout.
Like you need to sit here.
And you know, I don't know,like, is that the best thing or

(42:11):
not?
Right?
But then at the same time, thenI could talk to her.
I'm like, okay, let's talk aboutwhat's happening.
How are you feeling?
She's screaming and yell.
It takes two hours, three hours,right?
But here's what happens Is.
After five minutes, we're like,are you okay?
It's okay.
Just talk about your feelings.
It's okay.
And then we leave it.

jessica_1_03-22-2025_09 (42:30):
Mm-hmm.

alex_1_03-22-2025_090642 (42:32):
Well, now we're just being permissive.
Like we're not addressing theemotion.
We're not separating the emotionfrom the react, from the
behavior.
We're not modeling how to workthrough those things.
We are not showing them thatthere are rules.
You know, and this is completelymy own personal, once again,
just philosophy and stuff, butthe way I kind of talk to my

(42:55):
wife about how I raised my kidand this, this is something that
as a parent now and just beingan an administrator and a dean
at a school that I've just,things that I've learned
watching lots of differentfamilies and myself, I teach and
raise Violet and my and andFelix.
I raise them and teach them forthe world that I want them to be

(43:18):
in.
I.

jessica_1_03-22-2025_09064 (43:19):
Hmm.

alex_1_03-22-2025_090642 (43:20):
But when they leave the house, I
also teach them to live in theworld we're actually in.
And those are two differentthings, right?
Because when we teach them, youknow, look, we live in a society
where, you know, you go to theschools, there's testing,

jessica_1_03-22-2025_09 (43:41):
Mm-hmm.

alex_1_03-22-2025_090642 (43:42):
you do what you need to do, you turn in
your assignments, you are a goodlittle soldier, and you do what
you need to do.

jessica_1_03-22-2025_09 (43:48):
Mm-hmm.

alex_1_03-22-2025_090642 (43:49):
Okay?
There's no room for a kid to belike, well, I wanna talk about
my feelings, you know?
And when they're 15 or 16 andthey're working that job and
they're learning how to work ata place, they're gonna have a
boss that's going to yell atthem.
Well, if they don't know how tohandle that, they're gonna be

(44:09):
too soft.
They're gonna be too.
And so, you know, and, and it,and it's hard, but it's like
finding a balance of like, I.
Violet, what are you gonna do tomake the world how you wanna be
it?
Right.
We need, we, uh, the onus is onme and my family.
Like Violet, when you go outthere, you will speak with
people, to people with respect.

(44:29):
You will be kind, we will bekind you know, these types of
things.
But at the same time, if she hasa teacher that is yelling at her
and she comes home, she goes,this teacher's too tough.
I can be like, okay, what are wegonna do?
What's your solution?
How do we make them becomesolution orientated?
And so it's finding thatbalance, you know.
And so we don't wanna bepermissive, like restorative

(44:49):
conversations take a long time,but it's very important that you
follow through with that stuff.

jessica_1_03-22-202 (44:55):
Absolutely.
And I think that is just part ofthe process, right?
In terms of how you wanna,again, it all, I think it's all
based on how you wanna model,

alex_1_03-22-2025_090642 (45:07):
Yeah.

jessica_1_03-22-2025_090643 (45:08):
how do you wanna model in front of
your kids?
And giving them those real lifeexamples too, so that they see
it and it's almost like it, itcan be ingrained in them.
On how to deal with theseconflicts later

alex_1_03-22-2025_090642 (45:22):
Yeah.

jessica_1_03-22-2025_0906 (45:23):
life.
And so with you now being a dad,right?
And you know, now practicingapproaches in your parenting,
even if it's not every day,right?

alex_1_03-22-2025_090642 (45:35):
Yeah.

jessica_1_03-22-2025_09064 (45:35):
Have you noticed any changes in your,
like, stress level patience,like overall happiness?
Like how, how has

alex_1_03-22-2025_090642 (45:44):
Oh,

jessica_1_03-22-2025_090 (45:44):
health really been?

alex_1_03-22-2025_090642 (45:46):
when I started doing therapy and I, I
stopped, not because I wanted tostop, but the therapist is like,
Hey, man, at this point we'rejust hanging out at, yeah.
I mean, you know, but he islike, at this point we're just
talking like we're just hangingout.

jessica_1_03-22-2025_09 (46:01):
mm-hmm.

alex_1_03-22-2025_090642 (46:02):
And because he had given me the
tools, and I'm like, okay, ifyou're telling me these are the
strategies, I'm gonna use'em.
Right.
You know?
But, and so in my own parenting,and yeah, I mean, my stress
levels are like, because now Iunderstand these things, and in
the beginning it was hard, butafter a while, but here's the
thing, if you keep at iteventually, like my daughter,
for the most part, you know, I'mlucky.

(46:24):
Like I'm blessed.
She's a really great kid.

jessica_1_03-22-2025_0906 (46:26):
Yeah,

alex_1_03-22-2025_090642 (46:27):
And, and, and she, you know, is able
to describe her emotions, youknow, she does have the skill to
walk back from the ledge and notevery day, you know, like
yesterday she was crying and,and, and Felix was crying and my
wife wasn't home yet.
And I was just like, oh my godguys.

(46:47):
And I put.
The TV on.
Right.
And the thing is, we have astrict, like when we watch tv,
we always sit with the kids andwatch it.
And the tablet, you know, forlong rides, the rule is if it's
more than an hour, you can use atablet.
But if not, we're not using itat home.
We're not doing that.
But guess what, man in thatmoment here, right?
Or if she comes in, sometimesshe likes to get into the bed

(47:08):
with us and it's if it's before7:00 AM and it's a Saturday,
just here's my phone.
You can watch a video.

jessica_1_03-22-2025_09 (47:15):
Mm-hmm.

alex_1_03-22-2025_090642 (47:17):
'cause who cares?

jessica_1_03-22-2025_090 (47:18):
Right.

alex_1_03-22-2025_090642 (47:19):
gotta take care of me too.
You know what I mean?
Here's the one component.
Well, so yeah.
So my stress, yes, because I'm,I now feel it and I see her
doing it and I see that it'sworking and, but even how I talk
to my wife, you know, of courseit builds, you know, it, it
makes me feel better to know,like I have a relationship where

(47:40):
we can communicate and, youknow, she knows me and I know
her.
She knows that sometimes I needtime to walk away and calm down
because of, because of how I wasraised.
And in my household, how wediscuss is, like I said, we
would yell and it was aboutcutting the other person.

(48:01):
And she knows that.
And so if I'm walking away, shealready knows at this point in
our relationship, he's walkingaway because he doesn't want to
say something that, you know,he, he might say something
hurtful because that's how he iswired.
So he, by him walking away, hewill calm down.
And when he comes to me, I knowthat he's gonna be ready to tell

(48:22):
me in a healthy way what's goingon.
And so she gives me that spaceinstead of why are you walking
away?
Or vice versa.
And so, you know, and so, yeah,I feel like all around, I just
do feel much more at peace.
You know, I feel much calmerwith everything.
You know, and just.
Reflecting and, and, and allthat.

(48:42):
And, and yeah, I mean, I, I feellike I told my wife the other
day, you know, so when I was akid I watched a lot of TV and
I'm like too much, like hoursand hours, but it was me and my
mom at night.
And unfortunately, those, those,you know, gender roles, like she
would cook and clean after work.
And so I would be home andwatching tv.

(49:04):
And so, but I remember sometimesas a kid just being like, man, I
wish I had a family like that.
I wish I could, I wish I couldbe like the sitcom families.
I mean, I love early ninetiessitcoms, chef, kids, man growing
pains, you know, Cosby show,

jessica_1_03-22-2025_090643 (49:22):
by step.

alex_1_03-22-2025_090642 (49:23):
step by step, uh, all that, you know.
And so I told my wife the otherday, I go, you know what babe?
I go, I feel like right now I'mliving a life like.
This is a show I would'vewatched.
I feel like I am in a sitcomthat I wanted.

jessica_1_03-22-2025_090643 (49:41):
Hmm

alex_1_03-22-2025_090642 (49:41):
Right.
And even for me, like I'm a hugecomic book nerd and you know,
all this other stuff.
But the reason I bring that upis those were also resources,
right?
Like, I had my parents and they,but there were also certain
things that I saw and I wantedto aspire to.
And so, I feel like I am in thatplace right now.
You know?
I feel like, and once again, I,I have our days.

(50:01):
We all have our days, you know,but it gets, you know, all you
can do is, is try to do yourbest.

jessica_1_03-22-202 (50:07):
Absolutely.
Yes.
Thank you so much for sharingthat.
what would you say are the firststeps?
I know that you mentionedtherapy, right?

alex_1_03-22-2025_090642 (50:17):
Yeah,

jessica_1_03-22-2025_090643 (50:18):
but in the same time, like what are
some practical first steps

alex_1_03-22-2025_090642 (50:21):
Yeah.

jessica_1_03-22-2025_ (50:22):
listeners can begin incorporating
specifically with restorative,uh,

alex_1_03-22-2025_090642 (50:27):
let me give you an actual, like a
checklist, like a step by step,right?
Like, once again, it's notalways gonna work, but it's a
good little thing to have inyour pocket

jessica_1_03-22-2025_09 (50:35):
Mm-hmm.

alex_1_03-22-2025_09064 (50:36):
anytime your child is dysregulated,
whether they're very sad,whether they're very angry,
whether they're not doing whatyou're saying, okay?
Before any of that, the firststep of the checklist is what is
my current mental state?
Okay?
So, you just got home from work20 minutes ago and your kid's

(50:56):
freaking out and you're stressed'cause you just got home.
That's not the time to do that,right?
So the first step is what isyour current mental state?
Am I in a state where like, youknow, I, I think I could handle
being yelled at for about 30minutes right now, and I'm gonna
keep it real.
Like in the beginning, that'swhat you have to ask yourself.
Like, am I ready to do this?

(51:16):
Like, am I really ready rightnow to have this convo?
Can I hold, can I, can I takethis kid yelling at me for about
30 minutes right now?
In the beginning, right?
So, so first step is what isyour mental state?
Second step is when you doengage or once you do enter the
situation, the second step iswhat is your child's need and

(51:38):
root cause?

jessica_1_03-22-2025_09 (51:39):
Mm-hmm.

alex_1_03-22-2025_090642 (51:40):
And if you google the words mistaken
goal chart, okay?
Mistaken goal chart.
It's the perfect little cheatsheet.
And you'll probably seedifferent versions of it.
But basically it's like a littlechecklist and it says, if your
kid is doing this, then this iswhat they are doing, right?

(52:05):
Or if your kid does this,usually we do this, which causes
this, but we should do thisinstead.
Like it's actual column.
Right.
And so first step, what is yourcurrent mental state?
Are you ready to, you know,tussle?
Are you ready to do this?
And, and stay calm?
Second step, what is their rootcause?
Okay, it could be if you'reholding a baby and all of a

(52:30):
sudden you have, let's say, youknow, I'll use my own kids as an
example.
Let's say I'm holding Felix.
I see Violet, and she gets acrayon and writes on the wall.
Okay?
You know, I know how my momwould've handled it well, but
what I do is like, okay, why didshe do that?
Well, I'm gonna take a guess.
I'm with Felix right now.

(52:51):
I'm giving him lots ofattention, and when she's doing
that, she's trying to get myattention.
So when I turn to her, I go,Hey, bye.
I bet right now you're probablyfeeling like you want attention.
You know, I love you no matterwhat, even when I'm with Felix.
So why don't you come over?
Let me give you a hug.
All right?
Now, here's the thing, violet.

(53:15):
We can't, like, we can't writeon the walls.
Like it makes a mess and, youknow, does it look nice?
No.
Yeah.
I mean, do you wanna live in ahouse that's, no, I don't.
Dirty and with writing, and youknow, me and mommy were, I know.
All right, well, you know, youmade the, we, you did this, so
you're gonna have to clean it.
I'll help get water and stuff,but you're gonna have to clean

(53:35):
it.

jessica_1_03-22-2025_09 (53:36):
Mm-hmm.

alex_1_03-22-2025_090642 (53:36):
Now here's the thing, she might
freak out and now I got 40minutes of her being like, ah,
that's gonna happen.

jessica_1_03-22-2025_09 (53:45):
Mm-hmm.

alex_1_03-22-2025_090642 (53:45):
now, now we're looking at almost an
hour.
So now the 40 minutes, I'm like,all right, well now I gotta,
okay.
Hey, you're upset.
I didn't say, look, it's okay tobe mad, but I mean, that's the
thing, right?
So first step, what is ourmental state?
And are we ready to really putin the time if we're gonna do
this second step, trying tofigure out the root cause, you

(54:06):
know?
And that's like one example, butthere could be, they want your
attention.
They're scared, they're tired.
You know, we went to Spain lastyear for a month.
And we took our kids, you know,we all went as a family and the
largest temper tantrums thatViolet has ever had we're all in

(54:26):
Spain.

jessica_1_03-22-2025_090643 (54:27):
Oh

alex_1_03-22-2025_090642 (54:29):
And it's like, okay, we're in a
different country, we're awayfrom home.

jessica_1_03-22-2025_0906 (54:36):
Yeah,

alex_1_03-22-2025_090642 (54:37):
It's real hot today.
And she's four.
Like

jessica_1_03-22-2025_0906 (54:43):
yeah.

alex_1_03-22-2025_090642 (54:43):
I adults, man, adults don't even
like, you know, adults go onvacation and want this and that
and like, she's four.

jessica_1_03-22-2025_09 (54:52):
Mm-hmm.

alex_1_03-22-2025_090642 (54:52):
as an adult, as a parent, I'd be like,
okay, she's hot, I'm gonna pickher up.
And I was like, embarrassed.
'cause we were at a museum likethis is literally hands down the
biggest meltdown she's ever had.

jessica_1_03-22-2025_090643 (55:02):
Oh, wow.

alex_1_03-22-2025_090642 (55:03):
You know, Spain's different man.
So people will let you know.
They'll be like, oh, like, look,dude, you're 70.
Okay?
Like, you were around, youthought Franco was okay.
Do not tell me right now how toraise my kid, right?
But point being like, but as aparent, I had to be like, okay,

(55:25):
it's hot.
She's tired.
Like she just, she's, she's,she's upset, but she's four.
She doesn't know how toverbalize it.

jessica_1_03-22-2025_09 (55:32):
Mm-hmm.

alex_1_03-22-2025_090642 (55:33):
her up.
I, I put a little water on herneck, lifted her hair, blew her
neck.
Try.
She calmed down.
She was hot.
It was, you know, and so, butthen I'm like, Hey, kid.
I go, that is not okay.
I go, how do you think thatmakes me?
So now, okay, it's about mebeing embarrassed.
That's really what it's about.
But guess what?

(55:53):
I'm gonna let her know becauseI'm a human.
So I'm gonna say, okay.
All those people walking by, howdo you, you know, that made me
embarrassed.
And I know it's not necessarilyyour fault or problem, but it
did make me feel embarrassed.
You know, like just trying tofigure out a way, right?
So first step, what's yourstate, current state second
step, what is their goal?
And what is it that they'retrying to achieve?

(56:14):
And then, you know, third stepis like, resolution, right?
and, and just being like, okay,you know, I'm really proud of
you.
Like I, this time you really,like, I know you were upset for
a bit, but then you startedtalking to me about your
feelings, you calmed down,right?
So the final component, and thisis just an all around component,

(56:34):
is we have to praise our kidswhen we see it.
If we're trying to model abehavior or ask them to do
something, you have toconstantly tell'em, like, I'm
like, violet, we gotta go.
We gotta go.
So if Monday, Tuesday,Wednesday, Thursday, I'm losing
it on her.
And then Friday she finally getsready and is out the door.
I'm gonna say, whoa, violet.
Are you an adult today?

(56:56):
That is crazy.
You got ready, you sat in thecar, you, you know, ate.
Wow.
Thank you so much.
And that's the constant praiseand acknowledgement when they're
doing what we want them to do.

jessica_1_03-22-2025_09064 (57:07):
Yes.
Which is something that many ofus did not get.

alex_1_03-22-2025_090642 (57:10):
No,

jessica_1_03-22-2025_090643 (57:11):
got that, like positive feedback,
you know, compliments.
We never got

alex_1_03-22-2025_090642 (57:15):
no, no.
It

jessica_1_03-22-2025_0906 (57:17):
Yeah,

alex_1_03-22-2025_090642 (57:17):
always like, you're gonna wear, you
know, you know, a kid falls offa bike if an adult said that to
you.
You know what I mean?
That's things we talk to thekids, you know, there's certain
aspects.
We are the adult, but there'sother things where, you know,
they're still humans.

jessica_1_03-22-2025_090 (57:35):
right.

alex_1_03-22-2025_090642 (57:36):
Right?

jessica_1_03-22-2025_ (57:37):
feelings, you know?

alex_1_03-22-2025_090642 (57:38):
You know, when I was a kid, my mom
would make me the thi and tothis day, I don't eat it.
She would make me eat liver andonions.
Right.
I don't eat it now as an adult.
Why would I eat it as a kid?
But she would make me sit thereand eat it until I finished.
Well, when do you ever do thatto an adult?
Now I get it.
Okay.
Like they can't just eat frenchfries every day either, but you

(58:01):
know, you kind of have to belike, okay, well maybe liver,
you know, maybe is not the foodfor a five-year-old.
Right.
So

jessica_1_03-22-2025_090643 (58:09):
It takes, it's a process.

alex_1_03-22-2025_090642 (58:11):
it takes time.
And so we have to kind of meetthem in the middle, you know?

jessica_1_03-22-2025_0 (58:15):
Exactly.
No, I love that.
I really appreciate you sharingall of this, uh, wisdom and, and
just reflection.
I think it's definitely givingme an opportunity to reflect
just trying to modify, or Iwould say it affirms what we're
doing.
You

alex_1_03-22-2025_090642 (58:34):
Yeah.

jessica_1_03-22-2025_090643 (58:35):
at the end of the day, yes, we
wanna incorporate thesedifferent practices than the way
that we grew up, but also we arehuman and it's okay to mess up.
You know,

alex_1_03-22-2025_090642 (58:46):
Yeah.

jessica_1_03-22-2025_09064 (58:47):
that if one day you're not having a
good day.
think it's just important toreally think about your emotions
as well and your overallwellbeing before you present it.
To your kids,

alex_1_03-22-2025_090642 (58:59):
Yeah.
Yeah.

jessica_1_03-22-2025_090643 (59:00):
to resolve something that you can't
even resolve on your

alex_1_03-22-2025_090642 (59:03):
And I would say, you know, I use it
for education, but I would saythat's also for any partner or
human or human interaction.
What is your current mentalstate before you go and talk to
your spouse or partner,

jessica_1_03-22-2025_090 (59:17):
Right?

alex_1_03-22-2025_090642 (59:18):
and then what is their need or want
or desire

jessica_1_03-22-2025_09 (59:24):
Mm-hmm.

alex_1_03-22-2025_090642 (59:25):
and how can you communicate that in
a way that's respectful andhonors both of you?
You know, the one thing is Itell all the parents as long,
look, my mom wasn't perfect.
I mean, she straight up, when Iwould have a temper tantrum, she
would throw me in the shower andturn on the cold water.
I'm gonna take it there like notall the time, but you know, she
was old school.
But here's the thing, she lovedme though.

(59:46):
She's still in my life.
She still helps me with my kids.
And so I think at the end of theday, love your kids and remind
them that you love them.
I think that's it.
I think a lot of immigrants,it's hard.
They come and my parents to thisday equate happiness with money.
I provide these things for you,but what we realize is like, no,
we want time and love.
So just love your kid even ifyou mess up.

(01:00:07):
Or at the end of the day, if youreally love your kid and you
remind them that you love them,then you know, I think that that
can really heal and that canreally get you past a lot of
things

jessica_1_03-22-2025_09064 (01:00:19):
Yes.
Oh my gosh, I love this.
I love this.
And I think this is a great wayto wrap up the interview.
You really provided some reallygreat nuggets here that I know
our listeners are definitelygonna take away from, really
insightful information,especially for, I think that
parenting is a lot of work.
It's beyond taking care andnurturing our kids.

(01:00:42):
It's also about reflecting onourselves and how we're also
taking care of ourselves duringthat process.

alex_1_03-22-2025_090642 (01:00:49):
Yeah.
It's like you gotta, in anairplane, you put the mask on
yourself first.
Right.
That's what they say.
So,

jessica_1_03-22-202 (01:00:55):
Absolutely.
Yeah.
Well, Alex, thank you so much

alex_1_03-22-2025_090642 (01:00:58):
Yeah.
Thank you.