🎙️ Episode Description:In this gripping episode of Wake Up with Miya, actor and artist Sean Hemeon shares his raw, unfiltered story of addiction, identity, and redemption. Once a closeted gay Mormon, Sean spiraled into the underground world of meth, GHB, and drug trafficking in 1990s Washington, D.C.—ultimately becoming a federal informant and living in constant paranoia.But the turning point came one night in Atlanta, when a young man overdosed—and a phone call from the boy’s grieving mother would change Sean’s life forever.We explore his powerful memoir, Good Little Drug Lord, written as an act of atonement to two mothers: the one who lost her son, and the one who raised him.
⚠️ This episode contains adult themes, including drug use, trauma, and self-harm.BUY ME A COFFEE LINK🌺 Support the Show & Stay Connected:
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Sean Hemeon, Good Little Drug Lord, meth addiction, GHB, drug trafficking, federal informant, LGBTQ+ recovery, gay Mormon, addiction memoir, overdose story, art as therapy, sobriety, redemption, trauma healing, true story, grief and regret, podcast interview, Wake Up with Miya, Atlanta overdose, making amends, mother-son story, raw memoir, emotional healing, spirituality and recovery, identity and addiction
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:03):
You know, I was a gay Mormon in the 90s, closeted.
And so that already had its own thing.
And then coming out to my motherwas a terrible experience.
And so I leaned heavily on alcohol and drugs already at
that point. And so by the time I met a
crystal meth dealer in the DC party scene, I was just so
fascinated with the drug world and the underbelly.
(00:23):
And I was like, I'm young. I can go experiment and get out.
But he and I started dating and then I just I fell into to
dealing for him a couple times and then things between he and
I, he got like psychotic. And then it just led to me
trying to prove him wrong that Ican deal drugs too.
And you know, and in my mind, I'm again 22, invincible because
(00:43):
I can quit whenever I want to. All the lies.
I'm already failing out of college.
Aloha and welcome to another show guys.
If you haven't yet, make sure tofollow, subscribe and leave a
(01:06):
positive review and hit that bell so you're always in the
loop. Don't forget to subscribe to my
Patreon for AD free content and more episodes.
My Patreon is always free. You can also support the show by
buying me a coffee. Now.
Today's episode is intense, it'sraw and it's real.
(01:31):
I'm joined by Sean Hemion, actor, abstract artist, and
writer. You may know him from True
Bloods Criminal Minds 911 for the groundbreaking series
Husbands, but behind the scene is the past.
You won't believe Shawn's memoir.
(01:54):
Good Little Drug Lord is a gripping descent into addiction,
crime, and a tragic overdose. It still haunts him to this day.
He's a gay Mormon turned into a drug dealer and federal
informant. And what happened one night in
Atlanta changed everything. In this episode, we talked about
(02:18):
the chaos, the heartbreak, the regret, and what it truly means
to make amends. Please note this conversation
includes strong language, drug use, and graphic references to
death. Listener discretion is advised.
Now, let's begin Sean's journey into the drug world.
(02:41):
I want to just welcome you, Aloha, and welcome to the show,
Sean. Now, I recently heard your story
on a true crime podcast. I know.
And I was deeply, deeply touchedby your raw honesty and your
heart in your journey. You mentioned working on a
(03:02):
memoir titled Good Little Drug Lord.
I read the introduction. It's incredibly powerful,
especially knowing it's partly inspired by a desire to bring
answers and closures to the mother of someone who
tragically, I guess, lost their son.
(03:24):
So I'd love for you to share that story with our listeners.
But I guess before we jump in, Ijust want you to know that I
really love for you to share your experience fully and
deeply, as as comfortably as youcan.
You know, as you feel, and you can take your time.
I won't interrupt you. I'll just be here listening very
(03:46):
closely and holding space for your story.
Oh, I appreciate that, but ask me questions.
I mean, honestly. Absolutely I am.
I got a whole list. Just jump in there and you know,
I'm, I'm happy to tell the story.
I'm also happy to converse back and forth.
I love an engaged audience, you know?
Yes, absolutely. So.
(04:08):
So if you can walk us, how you, I guess how you began this good
little drug, how did it begin? Well, again, thank you for
having me. Thank you for giving me more of
an opportunity to share this story, especially this story
specifically because it, it is, it is the, the main reason I
(04:31):
have written the memoir. And you know, I, I'm 20, I just
celebrated 20 years sober and wow.
Thank you. Oh my gosh.
Continuous sobriety, No, that isno weed.
That is no any of that. That is just.
Awesome. Good for you.
Great. Sobriety.
Thank you. Congratulations.
(04:54):
The 20 Years is also relevant because the memoir itself I
could not have gotten to in my first ten years of recovery
because I wore, I wore the story.
I wore it like a badge of honor,like it was my source of
validation. I mean, how often do you hear a
story with the premise line, a gay Mormon drug dealing narc for
(05:17):
the federal government? I mean, those things just don't.
It's like, how does that how do those puzzle pieces fit
together? And I, you know, I, I thrived on
like, yeah, this is what happened to me, but not really
able to just sit in like the depth of how absolutely
(05:37):
fortunate I have to still be alive to have my freedom to even
have a prosperous life. You know, that I do, like I
already mentioned my husband. I, you know, and you being an
actor, following my dreams, being an actor in Hollywood,
it's just like, you know, it's mind blowing to me.
You know, I've done a few of theinterviews and in doing this,
(05:57):
I'm realizing like just just getting out of my story alive
and not in prison. I would have been satisfied in
anywhere USA working some 9 to 5like normal normal normal normal
life like that would have been the bonus.
But no, I'm here in Hollywood pursuing all my creative
(06:19):
endeavors and living an entirelynew, different life.
It's just that that part is justmind blowing.
Absolutely. I think I was going to say,
'cause you, you even mentioned in your book, this is your
words, that you are a raging faggot, drug dealing narc.
And that's wrong. It's direct, it's honest, and I
(06:39):
respect that. Yeah, well, I mean, you know, to
go, to go in that same vein, I, I this didn't come out 10 years
ago because it would have just been masturbatory.
It would have been grief, trauma, porn.
It would have been like, oh, a further of like, look what
happened to me. But so now 20 years later, I'm
producing this. And, and I also realized on a
(07:01):
deeper level why now versus like10 years or even 15 years ago
was because of having to face this story I'm about to tell
you, having to face the actual truth of what that means.
I'll get into detail, but I mean, essentially, you know, as
you, as you already alluded to, somebody died and they died
(07:26):
because I failed to act. Now I can just say that sentence
and be like, yeah, this thing happened.
But really, if you sit with that, like what?
And so so now these many years later, I was able to really hold
that and question that. And that became how I designed
the book even because I go forward in time.
(07:47):
I do this rise and fall of the good little drug Lord.
You know, how, how the hell did I become a dealer and then a
narc and then a bigger, even bigger dealer because I was
working for the federal government and then the whole
fall down. But it it's all set up in this
middle of this moment that happens in in this peak moment.
You know, when I'm peak drug Lord and I meet this young man
(08:10):
in the same night, he, he passesaway and I'm confronted with who
I thought I was. And so I go backwards in time
to, you know, the, the traumas of my past to see like what
happened to, to, for me to really, you know, sit in what
happened that could lead me to that, because I thought I was a
good person and I still am. But am I?
I don't know. I did this thing.
(08:31):
So it was I was able to confrontthat now today with who I am and
also with the, I mean, my biggest regret actually, we're
going to hold that thought because I'm going to tell you
what my biggest regret was when I actually get to that part of
the story. So that's why that's why the
book is out now. That's why the good little drug
Lord, it is a message in a bottle.
(08:52):
And that'll make sense in a moment because how I even got
in, how I even got arrested, this is this is the SparkNotes
summary version of, you know, I was a gay Mormon in the 90s,
closeted. And so that already had its own
thing. And then coming out to my mother
was a terrible experience. And so I leaned heavily on
alcohol and drugs already at that point.
And so by the time I met a crystal meth dealer in the DC
(09:17):
party scene, I was just so fascinated with the drug world
and the underbelly. And I was like, I'm young.
I can go, you know, experiment and get out.
But he and I started dating and then I just I fell into dealing
for him a couple times and then things between he and I, he got
like psychotic. And then it just led to me
(09:38):
trying to prove him wrong that Ican deal drugs too.
And you know, and in my mind, I'm again 22, invincible because
I can quit whenever I want to. All the lies.
I'm already failing out of college again.
I'm going very fast through thisis all in the book.
And he tried to stop me numeroustimes And eventually at that
(10:00):
time, I thought he was the one that called the cops on, on me.
Now in, in current times, even speaking to him in the last
couple years, 20 years later, like, you know, he did not.
But at that time I thought I wasarrested because because of him.
And when I was arrested, this isin DC, so it's automatically
(10:20):
charged federally. And so it was, it was intent
with a possession with intent todistribute with what they found
on me and the paraphernalia and all that.
You know, I, I was screwed, you know, 10 plus years easily.
And I had a mandatory debrief with some federal agents.
And so I went in and this is such a hilarious chapter in the
(10:43):
book, by the way, because I because you know, you expect
like men in black looking dudes or some kind of uniforms.
These guys wore cargo shorts, cargo pants, like band T-shirts.
One of them I describe, he lookslike Will Ferrell, the other
guy, the other guy, and I'm not kidding, the other guy looks
like he was like the bassist from some 90's rock band, like
(11:06):
he had a fire red Fu Manchu. I was like, OK, these guys are
like clearly maybe deep, deep undercover kind of thing.
It would just just tricked me out.
It just tripped me out and they interrogated me.
They knew some information aboutthe people I dealt with.
They knew a lot of kind of stuff.
And and so they're they in so many words, without explicitly
(11:27):
saying it, we're saying, you know, I needed to get them
information in order to decreasemy sentencing or get my case
dropped. And I alluded to the fact that
like, well, I have to keep doingwhat I'm doing, but like a lot,
a lot in order to reach the kindof Intel that they need.
And they, in so many words, without saying it, gave me their
(11:49):
blessing. So the federal government is
telling me to deal drugs on a massive amount.
It was my take away from that experience.
And so, and I'd, you know, but Isaw enough movies where I was
like, I'm not a rat. I'm not a rat.
I, I really, I really struggled with that in find.
And everybody in DC was paranoidto deal with me because I was
(12:10):
arrested and they found out, butthey didn't know I was, I signed
it and form an agreement, which I denied, of course.
So my thought was like, let me go to other cities closer to the
Mexican border because of the cartel.
It's cheaper. And anyway, I finally, you know,
I did that a couple times. I found a guy in Atlanta who was
like one person away from like cartel stuff.
(12:32):
So I could get it cheaper there because I had a timeline and
because I was very high and verystupid.
I just started, I'd, I'd startedtrafficking through the airports
and 2004. So I, I, I, I learned, but in
the beginning I didn't know whatI was doing and I kept buying
tickets one way tickets day of. And they would always put me in
(12:55):
a line to be searched. But the funny, funny part,
interesting part was this is still post 911.
So I'm thrust into a line and I,I look like a dumb ass white
college frat boy and I'm in linewith like 18 Middle Eastern
looking men. You know, they only cared about
racial profiling them. You know, people were still
scared. And so I would always get, I
(13:17):
would always skate through, I mean, twice.
This is just an example of how much I, I guess privilege that I
was walking through security with because twice they found
little tiny Baggies on me and just took pity because I was
like a sad frat boy and threw itaway and told me to go.
I mean, that just shows you where their priorities were at
that time and what I could get away with.
(13:38):
But but I stupidly continued to do that and that brought a lot
of success for me back in DC where I could start getting
closer to I, I started supplyingsuppliers and that's who I
wanted to reach in order to. I never gave the agents anything
this entire time. I made-up information once, but
(14:00):
I just couldn't deal with like, being a rat or whatever.
But then I was like, well, maybeI'd turn in the guy that I'm,
you know, supply who's supplyingme down in Atlanta.
But he was telling me that he was like one person away from
cartel connections and even brought me to a pickup once.
And I was like, maybe I'd turn in that guy.
(14:21):
But then I don't know. I remember like, that's when you
started hearing about cartels chopping off heads and stuff.
So I was like, OK, we're not going to.
I liked the guy like he was likehe was a born again.
Like he was raised like super Christian like I was.
And so but now he was this drug addicted meth supplier.
(14:43):
But like, but like, imagine likea like a youth pastor being like
a drug supplier. That was like the kindness that
like it was he was always concerned for my well-being and
I'm like, are you a meth head? Like what are this didn't make
sense to me. And so I liked them.
I liked them. And so it was hard to even think
of doing and that and, and also like, if I then ratted on his
(15:04):
supplier, would they chop his head?
Like I, this is the crazy stuff that I was going through and who
know how, you know, how true anyof it was?
But like, that's what it's goingthrough.
And but, but the thing that changed all of it was, you know,
so I'd go in for the weekend or the night and, you know,
resupply and then stupidly smuggle back to the airports.
And so I'd always stay like a night.
(15:24):
And so this one night I, one of his friends who I never met
before I met, was just this beautiful young college country
looking boy, curly hair Tansk. I mean, just like he looked like
an Abercrombie bag. And clearly he and I, we really,
we were really hitting it off. And I was just so nervous around
him, even though I was so high on meth and all kinds of other
(15:45):
drugs and stuff. And I just kept giving him
drugs. And you know, he told me this
really sad story because again, this is early 2000s and he had
just come from the hospital and like his boyfriend,
ex-boyfriend, it was unclear, was in the hospital, but like
dying. And that young man's very
(16:06):
religious family wouldn't let him see him.
And so he was in this state of mind.
And I, I dealt a lot of different kinds of drugs, mostly
meth and a drug called GHB, which I hear these days is
becoming very popular. But here's the thing, it's very
lethal if you are so just be careful, make sure you, you
(16:29):
know, don't ever mix it with alcohol because that's, that's,
that's kind of what we think happened in this story.
And also, you know, cover your drinks because it is a very date
rapey drug. It's just not good if you are
taking it like I was, which again, I was at that point in my
addiction, I was using all day every day.
I forgot what a sober breath waslike.
(16:50):
The meth was kind of like the baseline and the GHB is what I
took to actually feel sort of happy because it hits the same
part as alcohol. So you feel very like kind of
bubbly happy. But if you take too much, you
can fall unconscious, which happened a lot.
And if you mix it with alcohol, it's lethal.
(17:10):
It shuts your whole system down.And so this young man, you know,
I gave him, you know, he was used to doing math, I guess, but
like, I gave him that. But I also, he asked for GHB and
then he asked for more of it andI was like, OK, but he wasn't
taking nearly as much as I was like normally taking.
So I was like, we're good. But then he slipped away for a
little while. We don't know where he went.
In retrospect, we think he went somewhere and intentionally
(17:33):
drink alcohol, but we didn't know that at the time.
So when he came back, like he was like a, like a drunken
zombie and we're like, oh man, Iwas so disappointed.
I was like, we were going to have a fun night.
Now he can't, you know. But anyway we we wanted to go to
the clubs and and we put him in the back seat.
And this is the Abercrombie looking guy, yeah.
Yeah, yeah. So I mean, I, I was really, I
(17:54):
mean I was the validation I got from this Abercrombie looking
guy wanting me after feeling, soI mean a lifetime of feeling
crummy about myself that like itwas, it was, it felt better than
any drug I was on at the time. So I was like, can we, yes,
let's let's pursue this. And so I was, I was already very
(18:17):
concerned about him period, justas a human to human level.
But I was also extra like, wake up, I want to have fun.
I want to feel validated, you know, So I was very cautious of,
you know, watching him. And so we, we lied him on his
side in the back seat. And then we went inside the club
and it was I, I came out every half an hour, hour.
And he seemed fine. And so that club was not fun.
And so then we went to this other place, which in the, you
(18:41):
know, LGBT community is there. There's bath houses that gay men
love to go to, love to use the sauna, but they love to do other
things in there. That for me as a drug dealer at
that time is like being a a hot dog vendor at the Dodgers game.
You know, people are there and to engage in certain.
Yeah. And so it's like they would pay
(19:03):
whatever they want for the drugs.
And so that's, and, and then also the supplier guy that it
was with the, the youth pastor supplier guy, like that's where
he always went and stuff. I mean, I mean, he came from
very repressed religion. So it makes sense that the
reaction to that is to get very high on meth and be very
sexually like, brah, I've seen it a lot.
(19:23):
Anyway, that's all beside the point.
It's just like we, we went into this place and then I was like,
OK, he's still not awake, but I should check on him every so
often. And but I kept like I was, I was
smoking meth at this time. So I was, I kept doing it.
And then suddenly like, Oh my God, it's been, Oh my God, it's
been an hour. I should, I should have checked
it a long time ago. And then so I finally did.
(19:46):
And there, there he was. When I got the front seat and
looked in the back like there was just like this eerie
quality, like it was just, he just, I don't know, there's like
a faint blue and it just didn't,it didn't feel right.
And so. I went, but I didn't know if I
was messing with my mind. And so I went inside, you know,
(20:07):
found my found the, you know, let's just call him youth
pastor. I found the youth pastor and,
you know, he was, he was engaging with some other young
men and, and didn't want to leave the room and, and I was
like freaking out. I was like, you need to come,
you know, and he was thinking I was being paranoid, you know,
just tweaked out of my mind or something.
He's like, just go chill. And I wanted to believe him
(20:29):
because I didn't want what what I was thinking was happening to
be true. So like, I wanted to believe
him. So I went back to my room.
I was like, OK, I will check in another half an hour.
And then I just started smoking more.
And then suddenly it's like an hour later and I'm just like,
oh, you know, crap, you know, And I run out there and I
remember getting in the front seat, turning around and then
his eyes were open and just looking right at me.
(20:51):
And I just, I fall back against the front console and I'm just
screaming because I'm taking it like his face is blue nose is,
you know, there's not dried snot, there's a pee stain.
And the eyes are not they're, they're not alive.
And so and then just to make sure, like, you know, he's kind
(21:11):
of again, he was like on his side.
So I picked him up just to see what I could do.
And the experience of picking up, I mean, the true, the true
definition of dead weight, like it comes from this.
It's a very different experience.
(21:32):
They're just it, it just feels it.
Just when you do, when you do move a, a, a body that is no
longer alive, it just feels different.
It just, it's heavier. There's just something very
unnatural about it. So when I picked him up, it's
terrified me so much. I let go of him.
And then when he, when the body fell back down and the way it
(21:52):
hit the door and ricocheted, that was so unnatural that it
completely confirmed my everything like it shattered
everything that was trying to keep me from believing that this
young man is is dying or dead. And so that's what I ran inside
and I, I mean, I basically grabbed youth pastor and I was
like, get out of this car. And he's laughing at me the
(22:14):
whole way out there. He's just thinking like, I'm,
I'm overreacting this whole thing.
He got in the front seat, turnedaround and just started
screaming. So that confirmed it.
And then he wouldn't have stopped screaming.
So I slapped him and then and I was like, we got to call the
ambulance. And then as I started to, I
realized like, Oh my gosh, we have too much product on us.
(22:35):
And and that's also why I was like hesitating to believe what
was happening earlier was because I was paranoid.
As you know, I was paranoid. The location we were at, I was
going to get busted. I was going to get busted.
He was going to get like all stupid selfish stuff that made
me force me to not to want to believe that this person was
dying like I couldn't. And this is where the disconnect
(22:55):
is for me because I'm somebody'sdying in front of me right now.
I'm like save his life. But like, and that's the kind of
person I thought that I was. But you know, yes, very high.
Yes, on day three, yes, all these yeses, but still doesn't
matter. I still thought beyond all that,
I was still a good person that would react in that way.
But as I was calling them, I'm realizing all of this.
(23:15):
And then I was like, I instead asked where's the nearest
hospital? And it's it.
And it worked out that us driving to the hospital was
going to be faster than an ambulance coming to us anyway.
So I was like, great. And so I mean, I told the I
slapped him again. I was like, go.
I mean, he was so frantic. He drove up a one way St. and
(23:36):
we're we're we're speeding there.
It's like 5 minutes away. Coming up with the story, Oh, we
were at a party and somebody gave him something.
We found him like this. Great, that's fine.
And then at that moment, as we're like, I mean, like he's
he's avoiding incoming cars. And I remembered I knew CPR from
the summer of being a lifeguard.And so I jumped in the back
(23:58):
seat. I was like, it was, it was, I
don't say it was funny, but it was kind of like ridiculous
because I was like, I don't see,like, I got really excited
because I was like, I know CPR. I know CPR and I jump in the
back seat and he's still swerving and I'm like, you know,
getting ready to do it and then falling and then getting ready
to do it. And then when I started doing
chest compressions, yellow bile started coming up out of his
(24:18):
mouth and over and I, I, I jumped back.
I was like, my CPR did not trainme for this.
I don't know what this is like. But luckily by that point we
were pulling up to the ER and then running inside like
chickens with their heads cut off, like, you know, and I knew
the severity of it. When the nurses came, doctors
came running out with the Gurneyand they opened the back door
(24:41):
and his head just sort of flopped out and you, the nurse
was like, oh, fuck. And they brushed him in and then
immediately we're jumping on himdoing CPR.
And then the doctor came to us and he's like, don't go
anywhere. He was very serious.
He was asking us what we did. And I was like, we don't know.
And then we're like, we think it's GHB and somebody may have
(25:02):
given him alcohol, is what we said.
And yeah, well, we didn't know about the alcohol at that point.
That was some theorizing we did later.
We just said somebody gave him GHB and that's when he was like,
this isn't, this is more than that.
And that's when we started thinking like, maybe he had
alcohol. Anyway, They they were very
serious about us not leaving. I started panicking, but I
wouldn't leave. I needed to see what's going to
(25:22):
happen. Youth pastor was like, he's
like, you need to go grab your back from my car and run.
I'll take care of this. And then which I snuck away and
I ran away. I was very, you know, scared to
do that. But literally 2 minutes later he
calls me and he's screaming. He he ran into his car and took
off as well. So we basically left the body
there and ran away and stuff andso.
(25:46):
Was he dead? Do you?
He was already. Was he rigor mortis or no?
Not yet. You know when they get that
stiffness? I don't know.
Yeah. I mean, I don't, I think he was
on the verge of it. I think, I think when they
rushed him in and we were outside the room.
I, I, I mean, it's burned into my, of course, the story's
(26:09):
burned into my, my memory. But this there, it was a door
where you have a little window by the handle.
And I remember just looking in and I just remember seeing that
nurse trying for her dear life on top, like straddling him and
like just doing it. And I was like, well, if he was,
if maybe not rigor mortis yet, because then they, they would
have seen thought they had some chance of saving him.
(26:31):
So and also the way he sort of flopped when they moved his body
to the Gurney. So I don't, I don't think so.
I think it's hard for me to dwell on it, but I have.
And when I do it, it, it's, it'sto, to think that I don't know
(26:54):
if like, say the say we did callthe ambulance and they did start
CPR, whatever they had right there in the parking lot.
Maybe that would have done it. Maybe if I pushed through with
the CPR, maybe that would have done it.
Maybe if I just reacted an hour before.
You know, those are all the things that I go through that I
regret that I didn't like. Why?
It's, it's those things. It's one of those situations
(27:15):
where it's like, you think, you know how you're going to act
until you're you're you're in it.
There were so many circumstancesthat were making me were
fighting against me, that part of me that was like this person
needs help. And there were so many
circumstances that were trying to change that, like literally
(27:36):
willing reality to change, like willing it like this.
Isn't that that level of denial,if you will, because what?
And it was also, you know, it was awful metaphor, but a
metaphor for how I even got to where I got in my story because
I used, I guess, that same energy to deny the fact that the
(27:59):
consequences of extreme drug useand abuse would happen to me.
Literally all of them did, except for death itself.
But near death multiple times and not they didn't just happen
to me. I mean they happened to me
tenfold. You know, I fell asleep at the
wheel and drove under a Mack truck.
I was arrested, you know, going to jail for 10 plus years and
(28:22):
turned me into an informant likeI avoided.
And then so a latter part of thestory, you know, I panicking, I
decided to work with this Russian mafia connection who was
putting guns in my face, you know, and then I started owing
him money and he started threatening me and my family.
Like what? What?
This is after the death of this young man.
(28:43):
So, so after so when after that happened, I got out of Atlanta
like within the next hour because I was so paranoid.
You know, I was thinking everything they were coming
after me. But also it's just like I
couldn't face it and there was no way I was going back to
Atlanta. I don't know what was going to
be traced to me. I don't know, all kinds of
paranoid, you know, delusional thinking already from, you know,
(29:06):
the thing that happened, but also from doing all the drugs
and not sleeping. That just enhances it 1000
times. So I was like back in DC nearing
my, you know, I had a couple months before my sentencing,
nothing to give the informants and I just, I did.
So one of my runners, you know, one of my friends who would run
drugs for me, He also had a he was a he was a hair stylist And
(29:30):
so he did in home hair styling. But also, I just think that's so
funny. Like, let me go do your hair.
Oh, here's an 8 ball. It's just, I mean, there's some
new ridiculous elements of the story.
That's just like, are you kidding?
But one of the girls hair that he did, her boyfriend was trying
to get into the business, but the only hitch was he was
(29:50):
supposedly affiliated with the Russian mafia.
So when I was back in Atlanta, I'm sorry, back in DC refusing
to travel, I needed a whole new connection.
Now it's desperate. So I went, I agreed to go meet
this meet this person and and he, you know, he threatened in
so many words that he was and I was not going to move forward
(30:12):
with it, but turns out he had the best meth I think the city
had ever seen that I've ever tried.
So of course I was like all overthat.
And so I started and that's, youknow, that's what really thrust
me into the the good little drugLord is a very good title.
So I don't want to say drug Lord, but I mean, it thrust me
into a position where majority all of the gay scene, but a lot
(30:38):
of the straight scene was comingto me, which then put me back in
the tracks to sort of like, OK, let me get closer to suppliers
that then, you know, people it came down to like who who
deserves to go to jail, which was even a weird thing that, you
know, which was even hard to overcome too, because once you
(30:58):
just got to know other addicts. Yeah, they everybody did shitty
stuff, but everybody had trauma and people were running from
things. And so I just had compassion for
them. So in the middle of this peak, I
get this random phone call and it's this deep southern voice,
big like southern draw. She's like, hello.
(31:19):
Like, I mean, and, and she was sobbing and she was like begging
me. She's like, please don't hang
up. Like who is this?
She was like, this number was the last one on my son's phone
bill. I mean, the young man, when he
left us that night, I made him take my number and he called me
once when he was coming. Anyway, this was his mother and
(31:44):
she was just begging, begging toknow what happened.
Yes, he they could, you know, tell her at the hospital when he
died, he had this, this and thisin his system.
But just begging to know. Like I just I just want to know.
That's it, that's all, that's all.
How did my baby boy die? That's it.
And I've already set up that I escaped Atlanta paranoid that
(32:09):
they follow me and this. So as an extension of that, my
first immediate thought, again, I haven't been sleeping for
days. I'm very high in meth.
So the combination oops, sorry. So the combination of that is
making me paranoid to the point where my first thought is like,
this is the cops and they are trying to get me to confess.
(32:31):
That was my delusional thought at the time.
But but but the heartache in hervoice was was burning that
thought process to the I mean, it was eviscerating it there was
there. And so I was battling myself
(32:54):
like the humanity in me was likehearing this mother hearing my
mother like just like she just wants to know versus the
powerful paranoid drug addle part.
And my biggest regret, and I have many and they're big, but
this one is the number one and Isaid I don't know what you're
(33:15):
talking about lady. And I hung up on her.
It's my biggest regret because Idenied her closure.
I denied this grieving mother closure for a son I'm sure she
loved. I'm sure.
I'm sure they were from the DeepSouth and him being gay was a
big issue. She probably was super white,
(33:36):
Christian, religious, doesn't matter.
At the end of the day. This was her son and I denied, I
denied her closure on that. That is my biggest regret.
I could handle consequences thathappened to me, but when my
actions affected potentially theentire life, her her entire the
(33:59):
rest of her entire lifespan, I mean that's that's just like and
I couldn't handle the thought ofthat ten years ago.
That's why it's like now I can, I can't, and I'm not admitting
to saying like I can handle thatthought now.
No, no, but I can at least talk about it and hold space for it.
Like my actions affected somebody in that way.
And my actions, I don't think myactions necessarily killed the
(34:23):
young man, but my lack of actions a year later, you know,
after I got sober, I, I, I got my phone like I got my phone
bill and I tried to find her andit, it, it wasn't working.
And I tried to piece together what happened and I think I gave
(34:47):
it. I'm trying to remember, but I
think I gave it like a great effort, but nowhere near the
effort I gave it last year when I was desk while I was writing
this, I, I was like, no, no, no,I'm going to find her.
This is going to be part of the book.
This is like, I'm going to find her.
And I can't, you know, they, they get rid of they get rid of
phone records at this point. I don't, I have a distinct
(35:09):
memory of like the outside of the hospital and also it being
next to a highway. But I think that high that that
hospital's closed now. And also, I realize, I mean, I
scoured obituaries from that time period.
Obviously I don't remember the day.
I remember like, you know, it's like April, maybe even May of
2004. But I scoured obituaries and all
over Atlanta. But then I realized.
(35:32):
Hey Ohana, I hope you're loving this conversation as much as I
am. I just wanted to pause for a
quick moment to ask for your support.
If you're enjoying what you're hearing and feel like we've
earned it, would be so grateful if you could leave us a rating
or review. Your honest feedback really
helps us grow and reach more people who love exploring these
(35:53):
fascinating topics. And if you think this episode
would resonate with someone you know, don't forget to share it
with them. Mahala Nui Loa for being part of
our journey. Now back to the show 2000. 4 But
I scoured obituaries and all over Atlanta, but then I
realized her, her drawl. I mean, it was, it was thick.
(36:14):
I was like, wait, she's not fromAtlanta.
Of course they're going to do obituaries from her hometown,
which is like Alabama or so thatSouth Carolina.
Like, how do I know? So I was like, I can't, how do
I, I feel like, I feel like there's, there's got to be a,
that I don't know, there'll be something when, maybe when I can
afford a private investigator tolike, OK, this is, this is your
thing. Do this thing.
(36:36):
So I, I proceeded to continue towrite the book as a message in a
bottle. Like in the epilogue, I have a
letter to her. You know, I mean, the, the dream
is this, this reaches her. This dream is that, you know,
this maybe one day I get to giveher a hug and, and apologize.
And who knows if she's found a way to move on.
(36:58):
Who knows if she's even still alive.
Who knows if she's still in thatgrief and never have found
closure. So I, I, so I had this higher
purpose, which I'm, I was actually grateful for because it
really motivated how I showed upto the page and continue to
(37:19):
write. It also motivates how I promote
it and market it and get it out there because I have this higher
purpose of doing this of, of, you know, essentially making
amends. I've been, I've done the 12
steps. Yeah, I've done the 12 steps
for, well, for these 20 years. And part of that, you know, one
of those steps that people aren't familiar is you, you do
(37:39):
make amends for wrongs you've committed towards others.
And so there's many ways to do that.
And, you know, amends as being like a change in behavior, you
know, you know, not just an apology, but an apology and a
change in behavior and stuff. And so this is this is like this
is that working amends towards, you know, writing that terrible,
(38:01):
terrible wrong of hanging up on her and her son and her son.
I mean, so, so in that mind too,I mean, there's this arc.
I really leaned into the mother son arc because I, you know, I
wrote it to let that mother knowwhat happened to her son, but I
also wrote it to let my mother know what happened to her son.
(38:22):
And you know, and go ahead. Yes, you had.
You did mention that these this book is for two mothers, one who
lost her son and one who who raised you, and that that's very
powerful. The other, I guess the other big
(38:43):
final reason why now versus earlier was because, you know,
this arc with my mother, who whowhen I attempted suicide at 19
and when I came out to her, you know, her first words were like
panicked, teary eyed, like, do you have AIDS?
Like, God bless you now, you know, just just very like, no,
(39:06):
like, no, well, we love you, butnot the lifestyle, which is like
Christian code for, you know, being gay.
So, you know, and, and, and thenthe distancing between us
because she didn't know how to deal with me.
I didn't know how to deal with her.
And then that's when I went off the deep end.
And I would even come home and brag that I was dealing, you
know, just to get attention. And they just did not know how
(39:26):
to respond. My dad walked me, my dad took me
to my it's like take your son towork day.
He took me to my debriefing, my investing, my the, the
interrogation, you know, that kind of stuff.
He they were, they were there, but at the same time, like what,
what do you do with what do you do as a kid like me?
Like, what do you do especially like one that my mother thinks
(39:48):
I'm choosing, I'm choosing, you know, to be this way.
And therefore, because of that choice, yes, of course it's
leading to all the drugs becausethat's what the disgusting gays
do. You know, whatever.
So when I got sober now my mother has highlights, you know,
I was mocking her just now. But you know, underneath all of
(40:09):
that, she was still my mother. You know, she did not.
She mother in the most necessaryways, the most.
That she could, yeah, at the time.
Well, you know, after my case was dismissed, which is a whole
other story, you know, I lasted 6 more weeks out there, but for
(40:35):
read the book because it's a really good ending.
But it led to and I'm spoiler alert, I got sober, but it led
to the call the the call. When I say the call, I I
literally Sunday morning, 8:33 AM my 23rd birthday, September
26th, 2004, I called and I just said mom in the most broken
(41:00):
voice and she, she literally just said, where are you?
And for her it was like beneath the labels, beneath even the
religions, beneath everything, the turmoil, the angst bottom
floor. This was her son.
This was Mama bear. The cub is in danger.
And and so I gave them the address and they came and got
(41:23):
me, which is beautiful. And we spent the next few years
in recovery. Like, you know, I was just like,
like I was like, what? Like who at like.
Did you go through the shakes and all that detoxifying?
Is that real? That's, that's definitely real
with alcohol more than anything else with, with, with meth.
(41:43):
It was a lot of short term, it was just sleeping.
It was like I slept for two weeks.
I, well, actually I take that back.
I GHB. So this is true of
antidepressants. Sometimes when you're detoxing
(42:04):
off antidepressants, you, you have something called brain zaps
like like it's just, it's the electrical stuff like trying to
rework itself. It's pretty common.
It's terrifying when it happens before I even got sober with so
much GHB that I was doing, I wasgetting brain zaps even while
using and I'm going to make a note of that because I'm going
(42:26):
to talk about that later. But brain zaps was, was
something that like I would continue to have a few weeks
afterwards. So not tremors, but brain zaps.
And then with the math, I just slept for like 2 weeks.
And then but long term, you know, dopamine, meth not only
(42:50):
blocks the reuptake of dopamine,it also pushes out more.
So you know what you or I without any drugs get, you know,
when we have that piece of chocolate and we, we get a drop
of dopamine in our, you know, our pharmacy back there.
If I was on meth and I had the chocolate it, it would, that
(43:13):
drop would be an ocean, a dopamine.
Hence why a lot of people, you know, hyper focus on certain
things. You know, some it is sex because
that's even asking for even more.
I mean, that's just like you're swimming in an ocean dopamine,
which means it lasts longer and it's but others, like I had one
client that just was obsessed with power tools.
(43:33):
And so he had a room full of power tools.
Or you know, when you get when you get the psychosis from that
sleeping people think there's bugs, so they get obsessed with.
Oh yes, those are meth users. Oh, yeah, a lot of and a lot of
the the boys loved primping and pruning so that they'd have the
most perfect eyebrows and just obsessed with skin and hair.
(43:55):
And anyway, why was I telling you that part?
I was telling you that part. I don't remember, but I was
telling you about my mother. And the first couple years of
getting into recovery, I really felt close to my mother because
I was just, it was just, I'm just the son who's doesn't know
how to function. And so when I moved out to LA,
she even helped me move out. But but when 2008 happened, she
(44:21):
finally, I say finally in a goodway, finally divorced my father
and she came out to California. And the Mormons at that time
were pushing Prop 8, which was against legalizing gay marriage.
And my mother was like, well, ofcourse I'm voting against that.
Like, I mean, I mean, of course I'm voting for not allowing gay
marriage, not even realizing what she was saying to me.
(44:41):
And so as the more sober I got, the more painful it was to
actually be in a relationship with her.
And so, sadly, we stopped talking for quite a number of
years. But that was necessary in
letting grieving the mother I was still trying to expect her
to be and now allowing her to bethe mother that she was or what
(45:04):
you know, I didn't, I mean, I really thought it was like,
we're done, you know, but we slowly reconnected and and you
know, the the last chapter of mybook is, is I'm talking about my
wedding day into 2023 where my very Mormon mother walked me
down my very game. That's awesome.
(45:25):
Did the rest of your family go with you too?
Like your dad, your brothers, everybody?
Did they all accept you? Your whole family?
Oh, that's awesome. That's great.
There's, you know, most people, it's interesting, a lot of
people that don't that maybe like are a gay are against gay
(45:48):
or transgender anything. 9 timesout of 10 it's because they
don't, they don't really, they may say, I know a gay person, I
work with one, but no, I mean like really know a gay person or
a transgender person, They're being really truly, you know,
none of my family is Mormon except for my mother, But my
brother, my eldest brother, he was like leading Mormon example
(46:10):
and I affected him by, you know,what happened with Prop 8, but
then also saying other things. But the thing that really
shifted him was he was, he was one of the creative designers
at, at YouTube and for almost 2 years he worked side by side,
this lesbian woman with kids andeverything.
And he just sort of walked away from the experience of like,
wait, she's normal. Like, I don't understand.
(46:30):
Like because the church is saying you're choosing to be
this way. It's a cancer, it's a sin, all
that kind of stuff. And they still kind of, you
know, they try to placate that by saying you can be Mormon now.
I mean, you can be gay and Mormon, but you just can't act
on it. It's just anyway that affected
him. And so I think most, most people
who are so outspoken against it,it's just like, you don't really
(46:50):
know, You may say like my cousin's gay or like I worked
with the no, I mean like really know a gay person.
And then by like existing with them and realizing that they,
there's no, there's no difference.
There's no. No.
Yeah, exactly. Yeah, so.
If you never got caught, do you think you'd still be in that
world today? No, no, I I think the reason it
(47:20):
was so hard and fast was becauseI was quite driven.
OK, so I was I loved acting in high school, but I was competing
with playing sports like my brothers.
My three other brothers left me at sports legacy.
(47:41):
So I was like expected do this. Plus I was still trying to be
straight. And anyway, I loved acting.
And then when I went to college,I was like, oh, this acting
thing's fun. Let me pursue that.
And so I did that in college, but obviously failed out with
the drugs and the yadda, yadda. But but even while I was in
college, I booked my first soap opera and I was like, well, look
how easy it is, which is it never happens that way.
(48:04):
And so, which is so funny and so, but, but you know, before
falling into dealing and stuff, I really was convincing myself
that like acting as a career, like I can do it.
Like I, I, I think I can do this.
But most especially because the,you know, my favorite times with
(48:28):
my father growing up were when he and I, so it was six other
siblings or seven of us. And so whenever I'm alone with a
parent, it was like treasured. And so my dad and I would always
sneak away to the movies. And I remember, you know, and,
and we would, my, my, my dad wasnot Mormon.
So that was another dynamic here.
And my mother obviously being very Mormon, you know, forcing
(48:50):
us to go to church and that was the best little Mormon way for
her. Except I love going to movies
with my dad because we would tell my mom we're going to go
see this PG whatever movie, but we'd always he'd always take me
to the radar movies. And so I grew up doing the
watching the 90s action heroes like Bruce Willis, Arnold
Schwarzenegger, the classic guyswith my dad.
And you know, if there's any stupid 90s sex scenes and my dad
(49:14):
would be like, Oh, chicas, coveryour eyes, you know, you know,
it's really cute. But, but I just remember
watching him watch the, the movie screen, the silver screen
and just like thinking like I, I've never seen him look like
that. I've never seen him look at any
of us like that. And then just like I, I already
(49:39):
loved acting, but it was like I,I got, I, I need to be up there.
I need to be up there on that big screen.
And it's so innocent. Of course, I mean, you know,
there's nothing wrong with that.There's ultimately yes, I, I'm
desperately needing to be loved and validated for my father to
love me. There's but sorry, but at that
time, at that moment, there's nothing wrong with that little
(49:59):
boy thinking that I have to say that or watching my mother
watch, you know, the, the actresses on the red carpet at
the Oscars and just, you know, but I but I was like watching
that, but then also knowing I loved, I loved acting.
I was like, oh, OK, OK, cool. They're they're I got to be
famous and I was powerfully driven in that, you know, I was
(50:24):
like, I got to be successful in Hollywood.
And so I had that already as I was walking into dating the
dealer. But but the reason I even
started going into the DC scene was the first breakup.
So I was in a relationship all four years of high school
undercover, you know, with my best friend boyfriend.
(50:44):
I was madly in love with him when I felt like the Mormon God
was abandoning me at 13 and cursed me with the disease of
gayness. He became my new God.
And so when that ended at 19, drugs and alcohol became the new
God. And so that was kind of, even
though all that's happening, I still had this drive to be like,
(51:05):
well, I'm going to be an actor and this whole thing.
And so I dated another guy for two years.
And when that was ending, I was so terrified at the breakup.
That's what threw me into DC. I was like, I'm going to do
drugs to save my life. I truly thought that and fine,
that's fine. And so when I was dating the
dealer, I was like, oh, well, I'm just going to learn.
I'm, I'm going to have really cool stories that I can tell on
(51:26):
David Letterman one day, like. Well, now you do.
I mean, I didn't mean for that to really.
Happen, yes. But but because because I
started having experiences like,oh, this is like a movie.
This is like a movie. And but but the the this is I, I
(51:46):
didn't realize I was answering this question for so long.
But the, but the acting, the acting part was just before I
got arrested, I proved that dealer dumbass boyfriend.
I proved him wrong and I was actually getting out.
I was like, cool, I got a couplethousand.
I just dropped out of theater school, but I can go back to the
Community College and then go back to theater school like
great. And I cuz it was so cuz I again,
(52:08):
I was 22, I was like, I'm invincible.
I have so much life ahead of me.So that was the thinking.
So I was actually getting out right before I got arrested.
So I do think, I do think watching my peers, like continue
to grow or something, something would have happened that would
have shaken me out of it. I do believe that.
But but, but would I have struggled with alcohol and drugs
(52:32):
from that point on? That's a whole other question.
And the, the choice to get sober, even 20 years later,
later is still the best decisionI've ever made.
It's, it's still, it's such a good decision that I even wonder
if I actually made it or if thatwas just something made for me,
(52:53):
some higher power. And like, that's just part of
my, my fate, my destiny and my journey.
I I guess. Wow, now when you watch yourself
on screen or have you seen your dad watch you on screen and give
that same look? I've seen it.
Great question. There's a sad answer to this
(53:18):
because my dad passed in 2023 and.
Sorry. No, no, it's OK, it's OK and he
my work. Oh, actually, yes, because I why
would I forget this when I had aa good amount of success, like
(53:39):
in the early twenty 10s yes, I got to bring my dad to set.
I got to like in in you know, that was a fun like just wide
eyed and like oh, like I got to see him even you know, see how
it all works, you know how how it all comes together?
So I got to experience it even more, you know, and, and he
(54:02):
would watch, you know, the, the,the screen behind the director's
booth. And it was a fun day for him,
I'm sure. So I, I did, I did, But even
then, I don't think I was able to like fully take in what was
happening with him. Obviously it's easier.
It's, it's easier now with this understanding that I have, you
(54:23):
know, and, and do I wish that he, you know, lung cancer didn't
take him, you know, before I could really, really take him to
a premiere like of a big blockbuster and, you know, watch
your son up there. Sure.
But I don't think that that's a superficial, ultimately
(54:44):
superficial reason to pursue my career.
I'm deeper. I'm pulled deeper by the, the,
the love of it, the, the I love the challenge of each role and
what that brings, that kind of stuff.
And also how do I heal this withmy dad needing his validation
separate from all the acting stuff anyway, which I think we
got to, we definitely got to by the time he passed.
(55:06):
So that that's. That's great.
That's awesome. But can you tell us a little bit
about your paintings? I've seen that.
They're beautiful. I will talk about art all day.
I appreciate that. You know, it's, it's, it's, it's
so fun because it, it's something separate from what I
thought. You know, it's, it's I maybe
people have things in their lives that are happening that
(55:29):
they never ever could have. Like, wait, what?
How's this happening? And it just makes it so fun
because my hands aren't on it. Like it isn't like with acting,
it was like it has to happen this way and this time and.
Somebody's telling you what you should be doing.
Yes. And then suddenly there's this
thing over here that's just like, oh, this is fun.
This isn't touched by anybody. This is my thing.
And so you know, around that time too, like I, well, I always
(55:52):
loved art. I was I didn't paint, but I
loved like art history. My mother is is a decorative
artist and my eldest brother, like I said, he was a creative
designer for YouTube, but he is now like a full time artist and
he does these really cool seascapes like oceans views that
look like you could touch the water.
But I paint abstract. I'm like, I don't.
(56:15):
So, you know, I was in between, in between acting jobs.
I needed some other kind of income.
So I, I, I totally, of course, this is how the universe works.
But I just, I fell into being a gallery director and I was like,
well, this is fun. I like this.
I like selling art. This is cool.
I'll do this. And then I just, I didn't have
like, you know, 10 grand to pay my, my artist for his work.
(56:41):
So I was like, I'll go home and I'll do it.
And then really quickly realizedwhy I was paying him 10 grand.
But I was like, Oh, I love this thing.
And then, you know, for, for gosh, eight years, 10 years,
like it, it would pain was for me.
I got to say, if anybody just wants a, a mindful activity to
(57:03):
even heal what's happening in the unconscious, just pick up
some crayons or paints and take out a piece of paper and do
something abstract. And it is so pleasing.
It gets you in touch with your creativity.
It heals, it does heal trauma. I mean, if you get in touch with
it and then you just paint it out, it will heal trauma.
And so I, I feel like that's what was happening.
(57:25):
You know, I mean, I was like, I mean, I was painting, I mean, I
couldn't stop. I mean, it was just like, this
is amazing. And then one day I looked up and
I was like, oh, wait, these are actually, these are pretty good.
I wonder if people will buy them.
And then, yeah, so like. That's awesome.
Well, it helps that I ran an artgallery that I like, know, like
(57:46):
approach these galleries and so,and so now I sell prints on my
website that, you know, you know, 'cause that way people can
afford it from, you know, all sizes.
I have a show. I mean, this is crazy.
I have a show in Berlin next month.
It's like, oh. My God.
Yeah, it's. Like that's awesome.
Everyone here in Pasadena and it's just like, OK, OK, well
that's happening. Let's just OK, cool.
(58:09):
I mean, again, as we started this, like it's just absurd that
any of this is happening after. I know you're very fortunate.
Yes, yes, very. I but I paid for that.
Yes, you did. You did.
You went through hell. Yeah, I know.
It's just, it's just like, I mean, I, I don't know, I don't
(58:30):
want to sound ungrateful. I don't want to sound anything,
but I, I am, I'm making a joke. But but, but like, you know, if
things were still absolutely shitty today, I would have been
like, dude, God, what's up, man?Like, bro, bro, you really want
me to like, off myself? Like, I don't get it.
Like, this is, you know, But yeah, yeah, yeah.
(58:54):
I am grateful for the superpowerof, like, you know, nothing
compares to that. So it makes me automatically
grateful for today. You also have a strong acting
career too, so are you working on anything right now?
Anything upcoming shows? I wish.
No, I mean, as it goes, you know, you audition for things
and then you, you know, you waitto hear and then you're like,
(59:15):
oh, you almost got it. But it went to this bigger name,
you know, not a bigger name. Now.
I just, I just finished doing last season of 911 on ABCI, did
a number of episodes. That was a lot of fun.
Just sort of it's because it it had been, it had been a moment.
(59:37):
It had been a moment since I I got them credits rolling.
So it was nice to just, you know, be working on set opposite
Angela Bassett. I.
Mean. Yeah, I know, right?
That's awesome. She's amazing.
Everything I did was with her and I just, I learned so much
working with her and just how professional she is and just
(59:57):
doing the work I was. I was very grateful, yeah.
That's awesome. That's awesome.
Well, where's the best place forpeople to follow your work, find
your art, acting your updates onyour book?
Yes, thank you for that. The best place.
Well, I, I aggregate everything to Instagram, you know, I kind
(01:00:17):
of funnel it all to that. So that's maybe we put those in
the show notes, but that's at Sean Hemion.
And then from there you can do the what do you call it, like
the tree links and you can clickmy website is Sean hemming.com.
But also there is where I have all my updates on, you know, the
publication date for the book. When I have that, it's got some
(01:00:39):
of my acting stuff, but mostly it has available, you know,
prints all sizes framed on canvas.
You know, I just decided to, I've sold majority of my
originals, but I love them so much.
They're so good that I was just like, I wish I could have this
for other people. And then I found the way of
like, oh, OK, cool. I can actually print these and
(01:00:59):
you know, people can buy them ascanvas or paper framed and that
kind of stuff. So I'm grateful to be able to do
that as well. Yeah, that's awesome.
Well, thank you so much for showing up with so much honesty
and depth. I really appreciate your time
and your openness, and I'm honored to share it here.
And I wish you strength, peace, and continued creativity as you
(01:01:22):
keep telling your story in your art, in your acting, and in your
book. I'll be watching and I'll be
cheering you on for sure. Thank you SO.
Much thank you. And that brings us to an end of
another episode. Sean, thank you so much for
sharing your story with such brutal honesty and depth.
(01:01:47):
It's not easy to revisit the darkest corners of your past,
but in doing so, you've given usall something powerful.
Truth, redemption, and a reminder that healing is
possible. To everyone listening, if this
conversation moved you, please share it.
(01:02:08):
Follow this show and leave a positive review wherever you're
tuning in. You can also support my work on
Patreon or buy me a coffee. Links are in the description.
Every bit helps keep these real raw conversation going.
Mahalanui Loa, until the next time, bye.
(01:02:45):
Come on. None.
(01:05:01):
The.
You know, I was a gay Mormon in the 90s, closeted.
And so that already had its own thing.
And then coming out to my motherwas a terrible experience.
And so I leaned heavily on alcohol and drugs already at
that point. And so by the time I met a
crystal meth dealer in the DC party scene, I was just so
fascinated with the drug world and the underbelly.
(00:23):
And I was like, I'm young. I can go experiment and get out.
But he and I started dating and then I just I fell into to
dealing for him a couple times and then things between he and
I, he got like psychotic. And then it just led to me
trying to prove him wrong that Ican deal drugs too.
And you know, and in my mind, I'm again 22, invincible because
(00:43):
I can quit whenever I want to. All the lies.
I'm already failing out of college.
Aloha and welcome to another show guys.
If you haven't yet, make sure tofollow, subscribe and leave a
(01:06):
positive review and hit that bell so you're always in the
loop. Don't forget to subscribe to my
Patreon for AD free content and more episodes.
My Patreon is always free. You can also support the show by
buying me a coffee. Now.
Today's episode is intense, it'sraw and it's real.
(01:31):
I'm joined by Sean Hemion, actor, abstract artist, and
writer. You may know him from True
Bloods Criminal Minds 911 for the groundbreaking series
Husbands, but behind the scene is the past.
You won't believe Shawn's memoir.
(01:54):
Good Little Drug Lord is a gripping descent into addiction,
crime, and a tragic overdose. It still haunts him to this day.
He's a gay Mormon turned into a drug dealer and federal
informant. And what happened one night in
Atlanta changed everything. In this episode, we talked about
(02:18):
the chaos, the heartbreak, the regret, and what it truly means
to make amends. Please note this conversation
includes strong language, drug use, and graphic references to
death. Listener discretion is advised.
Now, let's begin Sean's journey into the drug world.
(02:41):
I want to just welcome you, Aloha, and welcome to the show,
Sean. Now, I recently heard your story
on a true crime podcast. I know.
And I was deeply, deeply touchedby your raw honesty and your
heart in your journey. You mentioned working on a
(03:02):
memoir titled Good Little Drug Lord.
I read the introduction. It's incredibly powerful,
especially knowing it's partly inspired by a desire to bring
answers and closures to the mother of someone who
tragically, I guess, lost their son.
(03:24):
So I'd love for you to share that story with our listeners.
But I guess before we jump in, Ijust want you to know that I
really love for you to share your experience fully and
deeply, as as comfortably as youcan.
You know, as you feel, and you can take your time.
I won't interrupt you. I'll just be here listening very
(03:46):
closely and holding space for your story.
Oh, I appreciate that, but ask me questions.
I mean, honestly. Absolutely I am.
I got a whole list. Just jump in there and you know,
I'm, I'm happy to tell the story.
I'm also happy to converse back and forth.
I love an engaged audience, you know?
Yes, absolutely. So.
(04:08):
So if you can walk us, how you, I guess how you began this good
little drug, how did it begin? Well, again, thank you for
having me. Thank you for giving me more of
an opportunity to share this story, especially this story
specifically because it, it is, it is the, the main reason I
(04:31):
have written the memoir. And you know, I, I'm 20, I just
celebrated 20 years sober and wow.
Thank you. Oh my gosh.
Continuous sobriety, No, that isno weed.
That is no any of that. That is just.
Awesome. Good for you.
Great. Sobriety.
Thank you. Congratulations.
(04:54):
The 20 Years is also relevant because the memoir itself I
could not have gotten to in my first ten years of recovery
because I wore, I wore the story.
I wore it like a badge of honor,like it was my source of
validation. I mean, how often do you hear a
story with the premise line, a gay Mormon drug dealing narc for
(05:17):
the federal government? I mean, those things just don't.
It's like, how does that how do those puzzle pieces fit
together? And I, you know, I, I thrived on
like, yeah, this is what happened to me, but not really
able to just sit in like the depth of how absolutely
(05:37):
fortunate I have to still be alive to have my freedom to even
have a prosperous life. You know, that I do, like I
already mentioned my husband. I, you know, and you being an
actor, following my dreams, being an actor in Hollywood,
it's just like, you know, it's mind blowing to me.
You know, I've done a few of theinterviews and in doing this,
(05:57):
I'm realizing like just just getting out of my story alive
and not in prison. I would have been satisfied in
anywhere USA working some 9 to 5like normal normal normal normal
life like that would have been the bonus.
But no, I'm here in Hollywood pursuing all my creative
(06:19):
endeavors and living an entirelynew, different life.
It's just that that part is justmind blowing.
Absolutely. I think I was going to say,
'cause you, you even mentioned in your book, this is your
words, that you are a raging faggot, drug dealing narc.
And that's wrong. It's direct, it's honest, and I
(06:39):
respect that. Yeah, well, I mean, you know, to
go, to go in that same vein, I, I this didn't come out 10 years
ago because it would have just been masturbatory.
It would have been grief, trauma, porn.
It would have been like, oh, a further of like, look what
happened to me. But so now 20 years later, I'm
producing this. And, and I also realized on a
(07:01):
deeper level why now versus like10 years or even 15 years ago
was because of having to face this story I'm about to tell
you, having to face the actual truth of what that means.
I'll get into detail, but I mean, essentially, you know, as
you, as you already alluded to, somebody died and they died
(07:26):
because I failed to act. Now I can just say that sentence
and be like, yeah, this thing happened.
But really, if you sit with that, like what?
And so so now these many years later, I was able to really hold
that and question that. And that became how I designed
the book even because I go forward in time.
(07:47):
I do this rise and fall of the good little drug Lord.
You know, how, how the hell did I become a dealer and then a
narc and then a bigger, even bigger dealer because I was
working for the federal government and then the whole
fall down. But it it's all set up in this
middle of this moment that happens in in this peak moment.
You know, when I'm peak drug Lord and I meet this young man
(08:10):
in the same night, he, he passesaway and I'm confronted with who
I thought I was. And so I go backwards in time
to, you know, the, the traumas of my past to see like what
happened to, to, for me to really, you know, sit in what
happened that could lead me to that, because I thought I was a
good person and I still am. But am I?
I don't know. I did this thing.
(08:31):
So it was I was able to confrontthat now today with who I am and
also with the, I mean, my biggest regret actually, we're
going to hold that thought because I'm going to tell you
what my biggest regret was when I actually get to that part of
the story. So that's why that's why the
book is out now. That's why the good little drug
Lord, it is a message in a bottle.
(08:52):
And that'll make sense in a moment because how I even got
in, how I even got arrested, this is this is the SparkNotes
summary version of, you know, I was a gay Mormon in the 90s,
closeted. And so that already had its own
thing. And then coming out to my mother
was a terrible experience. And so I leaned heavily on
alcohol and drugs already at that point.
And so by the time I met a crystal meth dealer in the DC
(09:17):
party scene, I was just so fascinated with the drug world
and the underbelly. And I was like, I'm young.
I can go, you know, experiment and get out.
But he and I started dating and then I just I fell into dealing
for him a couple times and then things between he and I, he got
like psychotic. And then it just led to me
(09:38):
trying to prove him wrong that Ican deal drugs too.
And you know, and in my mind, I'm again 22, invincible because
I can quit whenever I want to. All the lies.
I'm already failing out of college again.
I'm going very fast through thisis all in the book.
And he tried to stop me numeroustimes And eventually at that
(10:00):
time, I thought he was the one that called the cops on, on me.
Now in, in current times, even speaking to him in the last
couple years, 20 years later, like, you know, he did not.
But at that time I thought I wasarrested because because of him.
And when I was arrested, this isin DC, so it's automatically
(10:20):
charged federally. And so it was, it was intent
with a possession with intent todistribute with what they found
on me and the paraphernalia and all that.
You know, I, I was screwed, you know, 10 plus years easily.
And I had a mandatory debrief with some federal agents.
And so I went in and this is such a hilarious chapter in the
(10:43):
book, by the way, because I because you know, you expect
like men in black looking dudes or some kind of uniforms.
These guys wore cargo shorts, cargo pants, like band T-shirts.
One of them I describe, he lookslike Will Ferrell, the other
guy, the other guy, and I'm not kidding, the other guy looks
like he was like the bassist from some 90's rock band, like
(11:06):
he had a fire red Fu Manchu. I was like, OK, these guys are
like clearly maybe deep, deep undercover kind of thing.
It would just just tricked me out.
It just tripped me out and they interrogated me.
They knew some information aboutthe people I dealt with.
They knew a lot of kind of stuff.
And and so they're they in so many words, without explicitly
(11:27):
saying it, we're saying, you know, I needed to get them
information in order to decreasemy sentencing or get my case
dropped. And I alluded to the fact that
like, well, I have to keep doingwhat I'm doing, but like a lot,
a lot in order to reach the kindof Intel that they need.
And they, in so many words, without saying it, gave me their
(11:49):
blessing. So the federal government is
telling me to deal drugs on a massive amount.
It was my take away from that experience.
And so, and I'd, you know, but Isaw enough movies where I was
like, I'm not a rat. I'm not a rat.
I, I really, I really struggled with that in find.
And everybody in DC was paranoidto deal with me because I was
(12:10):
arrested and they found out, butthey didn't know I was, I signed
it and form an agreement, which I denied, of course.
So my thought was like, let me go to other cities closer to the
Mexican border because of the cartel.
It's cheaper. And anyway, I finally, you know,
I did that a couple times. I found a guy in Atlanta who was
like one person away from like cartel stuff.
(12:32):
So I could get it cheaper there because I had a timeline and
because I was very high and verystupid.
I just started, I'd, I'd startedtrafficking through the airports
and 2004. So I, I, I, I learned, but in
the beginning I didn't know whatI was doing and I kept buying
tickets one way tickets day of. And they would always put me in
(12:55):
a line to be searched. But the funny, funny part,
interesting part was this is still post 911.
So I'm thrust into a line and I,I look like a dumb ass white
college frat boy and I'm in linewith like 18 Middle Eastern
looking men. You know, they only cared about
racial profiling them. You know, people were still
scared. And so I would always get, I
(13:17):
would always skate through, I mean, twice.
This is just an example of how much I, I guess privilege that I
was walking through security with because twice they found
little tiny Baggies on me and just took pity because I was
like a sad frat boy and threw itaway and told me to go.
I mean, that just shows you where their priorities were at
that time and what I could get away with.
(13:38):
But but I stupidly continued to do that and that brought a lot
of success for me back in DC where I could start getting
closer to I, I started supplyingsuppliers and that's who I
wanted to reach in order to. I never gave the agents anything
this entire time. I made-up information once, but
(14:00):
I just couldn't deal with like, being a rat or whatever.
But then I was like, well, maybeI'd turn in the guy that I'm,
you know, supply who's supplyingme down in Atlanta.
But he was telling me that he was like one person away from
cartel connections and even brought me to a pickup once.
And I was like, maybe I'd turn in that guy.
(14:21):
But then I don't know. I remember like, that's when you
started hearing about cartels chopping off heads and stuff.
So I was like, OK, we're not going to.
I liked the guy like he was likehe was a born again.
Like he was raised like super Christian like I was.
And so but now he was this drug addicted meth supplier.
(14:43):
But like, but like, imagine likea like a youth pastor being like
a drug supplier. That was like the kindness that
like it was he was always concerned for my well-being and
I'm like, are you a meth head? Like what are this didn't make
sense to me. And so I liked them.
I liked them. And so it was hard to even think
of doing and that and, and also like, if I then ratted on his
(15:04):
supplier, would they chop his head?
Like I, this is the crazy stuff that I was going through and who
know how, you know, how true anyof it was?
But like, that's what it's goingthrough.
And but, but the thing that changed all of it was, you know,
so I'd go in for the weekend or the night and, you know,
resupply and then stupidly smuggle back to the airports.
And so I'd always stay like a night.
(15:24):
And so this one night I, one of his friends who I never met
before I met, was just this beautiful young college country
looking boy, curly hair Tansk. I mean, just like he looked like
an Abercrombie bag. And clearly he and I, we really,
we were really hitting it off. And I was just so nervous around
him, even though I was so high on meth and all kinds of other
(15:45):
drugs and stuff. And I just kept giving him
drugs. And you know, he told me this
really sad story because again, this is early 2000s and he had
just come from the hospital and like his boyfriend,
ex-boyfriend, it was unclear, was in the hospital, but like
dying. And that young man's very
(16:06):
religious family wouldn't let him see him.
And so he was in this state of mind.
And I, I dealt a lot of different kinds of drugs, mostly
meth and a drug called GHB, which I hear these days is
becoming very popular. But here's the thing, it's very
lethal if you are so just be careful, make sure you, you
(16:29):
know, don't ever mix it with alcohol because that's, that's,
that's kind of what we think happened in this story.
And also, you know, cover your drinks because it is a very date
rapey drug. It's just not good if you are
taking it like I was, which again, I was at that point in my
addiction, I was using all day every day.
I forgot what a sober breath waslike.
(16:50):
The meth was kind of like the baseline and the GHB is what I
took to actually feel sort of happy because it hits the same
part as alcohol. So you feel very like kind of
bubbly happy. But if you take too much, you
can fall unconscious, which happened a lot.
And if you mix it with alcohol, it's lethal.
(17:10):
It shuts your whole system down.And so this young man, you know,
I gave him, you know, he was used to doing math, I guess, but
like, I gave him that. But I also, he asked for GHB and
then he asked for more of it andI was like, OK, but he wasn't
taking nearly as much as I was like normally taking.
So I was like, we're good. But then he slipped away for a
little while. We don't know where he went.
In retrospect, we think he went somewhere and intentionally
(17:33):
drink alcohol, but we didn't know that at the time.
So when he came back, like he was like a, like a drunken
zombie and we're like, oh man, Iwas so disappointed.
I was like, we were going to have a fun night.
Now he can't, you know. But anyway we we wanted to go to
the clubs and and we put him in the back seat.
And this is the Abercrombie looking guy, yeah.
Yeah, yeah. So I mean, I, I was really, I
(17:54):
mean I was the validation I got from this Abercrombie looking
guy wanting me after feeling, soI mean a lifetime of feeling
crummy about myself that like itwas, it was, it felt better than
any drug I was on at the time. So I was like, can we, yes,
let's let's pursue this. And so I was, I was already very
(18:17):
concerned about him period, justas a human to human level.
But I was also extra like, wake up, I want to have fun.
I want to feel validated, you know, So I was very cautious of,
you know, watching him. And so we, we lied him on his
side in the back seat. And then we went inside the club
and it was I, I came out every half an hour, hour.
And he seemed fine. And so that club was not fun.
And so then we went to this other place, which in the, you
(18:41):
know, LGBT community is there. There's bath houses that gay men
love to go to, love to use the sauna, but they love to do other
things in there. That for me as a drug dealer at
that time is like being a a hot dog vendor at the Dodgers game.
You know, people are there and to engage in certain.
Yeah. And so it's like they would pay
(19:03):
whatever they want for the drugs.
And so that's, and, and then also the supplier guy that it
was with the, the youth pastor supplier guy, like that's where
he always went and stuff. I mean, I mean, he came from
very repressed religion. So it makes sense that the
reaction to that is to get very high on meth and be very
sexually like, brah, I've seen it a lot.
(19:23):
Anyway, that's all beside the point.
It's just like we, we went into this place and then I was like,
OK, he's still not awake, but I should check on him every so
often. And but I kept like I was, I was
smoking meth at this time. So I was, I kept doing it.
And then suddenly like, Oh my God, it's been, Oh my God, it's
been an hour. I should, I should have checked
it a long time ago. And then so I finally did.
(19:46):
And there, there he was. When I got the front seat and
looked in the back like there was just like this eerie
quality, like it was just, he just, I don't know, there's like
a faint blue and it just didn't,it didn't feel right.
And so. I went, but I didn't know if I
was messing with my mind. And so I went inside, you know,
(20:07):
found my found the, you know, let's just call him youth
pastor. I found the youth pastor and,
you know, he was, he was engaging with some other young
men and, and didn't want to leave the room and, and I was
like freaking out. I was like, you need to come,
you know, and he was thinking I was being paranoid, you know,
just tweaked out of my mind or something.
He's like, just go chill. And I wanted to believe him
(20:29):
because I didn't want what what I was thinking was happening to
be true. So like, I wanted to believe
him. So I went back to my room.
I was like, OK, I will check in another half an hour.
And then I just started smoking more.
And then suddenly it's like an hour later and I'm just like,
oh, you know, crap, you know, And I run out there and I
remember getting in the front seat, turning around and then
his eyes were open and just looking right at me.
(20:51):
And I just, I fall back against the front console and I'm just
screaming because I'm taking it like his face is blue nose is,
you know, there's not dried snot, there's a pee stain.
And the eyes are not they're, they're not alive.
And so and then just to make sure, like, you know, he's kind
(21:11):
of again, he was like on his side.
So I picked him up just to see what I could do.
And the experience of picking up, I mean, the true, the true
definition of dead weight, like it comes from this.
It's a very different experience.
(21:32):
They're just it, it just feels it.
Just when you do, when you do move a, a, a body that is no
longer alive, it just feels different.
It just, it's heavier. There's just something very
unnatural about it. So when I picked him up, it's
terrified me so much. I let go of him.
And then when he, when the body fell back down and the way it
(21:52):
hit the door and ricocheted, that was so unnatural that it
completely confirmed my everything like it shattered
everything that was trying to keep me from believing that this
young man is is dying or dead. And so that's what I ran inside
and I, I mean, I basically grabbed youth pastor and I was
like, get out of this car. And he's laughing at me the
(22:14):
whole way out there. He's just thinking like, I'm,
I'm overreacting this whole thing.
He got in the front seat, turnedaround and just started
screaming. So that confirmed it.
And then he wouldn't have stopped screaming.
So I slapped him and then and I was like, we got to call the
ambulance. And then as I started to, I
realized like, Oh my gosh, we have too much product on us.
(22:35):
And and that's also why I was like hesitating to believe what
was happening earlier was because I was paranoid.
As you know, I was paranoid. The location we were at, I was
going to get busted. I was going to get busted.
He was going to get like all stupid selfish stuff that made
me force me to not to want to believe that this person was
dying like I couldn't. And this is where the disconnect
(22:55):
is for me because I'm somebody'sdying in front of me right now.
I'm like save his life. But like, and that's the kind of
person I thought that I was. But you know, yes, very high.
Yes, on day three, yes, all these yeses, but still doesn't
matter. I still thought beyond all that,
I was still a good person that would react in that way.
But as I was calling them, I'm realizing all of this.
(23:15):
And then I was like, I instead asked where's the nearest
hospital? And it's it.
And it worked out that us driving to the hospital was
going to be faster than an ambulance coming to us anyway.
So I was like, great. And so I mean, I told the I
slapped him again. I was like, go.
I mean, he was so frantic. He drove up a one way St. and
(23:36):
we're we're we're speeding there.
It's like 5 minutes away. Coming up with the story, Oh, we
were at a party and somebody gave him something.
We found him like this. Great, that's fine.
And then at that moment, as we're like, I mean, like he's
he's avoiding incoming cars. And I remembered I knew CPR from
the summer of being a lifeguard.And so I jumped in the back
(23:58):
seat. I was like, it was, it was, I
don't say it was funny, but it was kind of like ridiculous
because I was like, I don't see,like, I got really excited
because I was like, I know CPR. I know CPR and I jump in the
back seat and he's still swerving and I'm like, you know,
getting ready to do it and then falling and then getting ready
to do it. And then when I started doing
chest compressions, yellow bile started coming up out of his
(24:18):
mouth and over and I, I, I jumped back.
I was like, my CPR did not trainme for this.
I don't know what this is like. But luckily by that point we
were pulling up to the ER and then running inside like
chickens with their heads cut off, like, you know, and I knew
the severity of it. When the nurses came, doctors
came running out with the Gurneyand they opened the back door
(24:41):
and his head just sort of flopped out and you, the nurse
was like, oh, fuck. And they brushed him in and then
immediately we're jumping on himdoing CPR.
And then the doctor came to us and he's like, don't go
anywhere. He was very serious.
He was asking us what we did. And I was like, we don't know.
And then we're like, we think it's GHB and somebody may have
(25:02):
given him alcohol, is what we said.
And yeah, well, we didn't know about the alcohol at that point.
That was some theorizing we did later.
We just said somebody gave him GHB and that's when he was like,
this isn't, this is more than that.
And that's when we started thinking like, maybe he had
alcohol. Anyway, They they were very
serious about us not leaving. I started panicking, but I
wouldn't leave. I needed to see what's going to
(25:22):
happen. Youth pastor was like, he's
like, you need to go grab your back from my car and run.
I'll take care of this. And then which I snuck away and
I ran away. I was very, you know, scared to
do that. But literally 2 minutes later he
calls me and he's screaming. He he ran into his car and took
off as well. So we basically left the body
there and ran away and stuff andso.
(25:46):
Was he dead? Do you?
He was already. Was he rigor mortis or no?
Not yet. You know when they get that
stiffness? I don't know.
Yeah. I mean, I don't, I think he was
on the verge of it. I think, I think when they
rushed him in and we were outside the room.
I, I, I mean, it's burned into my, of course, the story's
(26:09):
burned into my, my memory. But this there, it was a door
where you have a little window by the handle.
And I remember just looking in and I just remember seeing that
nurse trying for her dear life on top, like straddling him and
like just doing it. And I was like, well, if he was,
if maybe not rigor mortis yet, because then they, they would
have seen thought they had some chance of saving him.
(26:31):
So and also the way he sort of flopped when they moved his body
to the Gurney. So I don't, I don't think so.
I think it's hard for me to dwell on it, but I have.
And when I do it, it, it's, it'sto, to think that I don't know
(26:54):
if like, say the say we did callthe ambulance and they did start
CPR, whatever they had right there in the parking lot.
Maybe that would have done it. Maybe if I pushed through with
the CPR, maybe that would have done it.
Maybe if I just reacted an hour before.
You know, those are all the things that I go through that I
regret that I didn't like. Why?
It's, it's those things. It's one of those situations
(27:15):
where it's like, you think, you know how you're going to act
until you're you're you're in it.
There were so many circumstancesthat were making me were
fighting against me, that part of me that was like this person
needs help. And there were so many
circumstances that were trying to change that, like literally
(27:36):
willing reality to change, like willing it like this.
Isn't that that level of denial,if you will, because what?
And it was also, you know, it was awful metaphor, but a
metaphor for how I even got to where I got in my story because
I used, I guess, that same energy to deny the fact that the
(27:59):
consequences of extreme drug useand abuse would happen to me.
Literally all of them did, except for death itself.
But near death multiple times and not they didn't just happen
to me. I mean they happened to me
tenfold. You know, I fell asleep at the
wheel and drove under a Mack truck.
I was arrested, you know, going to jail for 10 plus years and
(28:22):
turned me into an informant likeI avoided.
And then so a latter part of thestory, you know, I panicking, I
decided to work with this Russian mafia connection who was
putting guns in my face, you know, and then I started owing
him money and he started threatening me and my family.
Like what? What?
This is after the death of this young man.
(28:43):
So, so after so when after that happened, I got out of Atlanta
like within the next hour because I was so paranoid.
You know, I was thinking everything they were coming
after me. But also it's just like I
couldn't face it and there was no way I was going back to
Atlanta. I don't know what was going to
be traced to me. I don't know, all kinds of
paranoid, you know, delusional thinking already from, you know,
(29:06):
the thing that happened, but also from doing all the drugs
and not sleeping. That just enhances it 1000
times. So I was like back in DC nearing
my, you know, I had a couple months before my sentencing,
nothing to give the informants and I just, I did.
So one of my runners, you know, one of my friends who would run
drugs for me, He also had a he was a he was a hair stylist And
(29:30):
so he did in home hair styling. But also, I just think that's so
funny. Like, let me go do your hair.
Oh, here's an 8 ball. It's just, I mean, there's some
new ridiculous elements of the story.
That's just like, are you kidding?
But one of the girls hair that he did, her boyfriend was trying
to get into the business, but the only hitch was he was
(29:50):
supposedly affiliated with the Russian mafia.
So when I was back in Atlanta, I'm sorry, back in DC refusing
to travel, I needed a whole new connection.
Now it's desperate. So I went, I agreed to go meet
this meet this person and and he, you know, he threatened in
so many words that he was and I was not going to move forward
(30:12):
with it, but turns out he had the best meth I think the city
had ever seen that I've ever tried.
So of course I was like all overthat.
And so I started and that's, youknow, that's what really thrust
me into the the good little drugLord is a very good title.
So I don't want to say drug Lord, but I mean, it thrust me
into a position where majority all of the gay scene, but a lot
(30:38):
of the straight scene was comingto me, which then put me back in
the tracks to sort of like, OK, let me get closer to suppliers
that then, you know, people it came down to like who who
deserves to go to jail, which was even a weird thing that, you
know, which was even hard to overcome too, because once you
(30:58):
just got to know other addicts. Yeah, they everybody did shitty
stuff, but everybody had trauma and people were running from
things. And so I just had compassion for
them. So in the middle of this peak, I
get this random phone call and it's this deep southern voice,
big like southern draw. She's like, hello.
(31:19):
Like, I mean, and, and she was sobbing and she was like begging
me. She's like, please don't hang
up. Like who is this?
She was like, this number was the last one on my son's phone
bill. I mean, the young man, when he
left us that night, I made him take my number and he called me
once when he was coming. Anyway, this was his mother and
(31:44):
she was just begging, begging toknow what happened.
Yes, he they could, you know, tell her at the hospital when he
died, he had this, this and thisin his system.
But just begging to know. Like I just I just want to know.
That's it, that's all, that's all.
How did my baby boy die? That's it.
And I've already set up that I escaped Atlanta paranoid that
(32:09):
they follow me and this. So as an extension of that, my
first immediate thought, again, I haven't been sleeping for
days. I'm very high in meth.
So the combination oops, sorry. So the combination of that is
making me paranoid to the point where my first thought is like,
this is the cops and they are trying to get me to confess.
(32:31):
That was my delusional thought at the time.
But but but the heartache in hervoice was was burning that
thought process to the I mean, it was eviscerating it there was
there. And so I was battling myself
(32:54):
like the humanity in me was likehearing this mother hearing my
mother like just like she just wants to know versus the
powerful paranoid drug addle part.
And my biggest regret, and I have many and they're big, but
this one is the number one and Isaid I don't know what you're
(33:15):
talking about lady. And I hung up on her.
It's my biggest regret because Idenied her closure.
I denied this grieving mother closure for a son I'm sure she
loved. I'm sure.
I'm sure they were from the DeepSouth and him being gay was a
big issue. She probably was super white,
(33:36):
Christian, religious, doesn't matter.
At the end of the day. This was her son and I denied, I
denied her closure on that. That is my biggest regret.
I could handle consequences thathappened to me, but when my
actions affected potentially theentire life, her her entire the
(33:59):
rest of her entire lifespan, I mean that's that's just like and
I couldn't handle the thought ofthat ten years ago.
That's why it's like now I can, I can't, and I'm not admitting
to saying like I can handle thatthought now.
No, no, but I can at least talk about it and hold space for it.
Like my actions affected somebody in that way.
And my actions, I don't think myactions necessarily killed the
(34:23):
young man, but my lack of actions a year later, you know,
after I got sober, I, I, I got my phone like I got my phone
bill and I tried to find her andit, it, it wasn't working.
And I tried to piece together what happened and I think I gave
(34:47):
it. I'm trying to remember, but I
think I gave it like a great effort, but nowhere near the
effort I gave it last year when I was desk while I was writing
this, I, I was like, no, no, no,I'm going to find her.
This is going to be part of the book.
This is like, I'm going to find her.
And I can't, you know, they, they get rid of they get rid of
phone records at this point. I don't, I have a distinct
(35:09):
memory of like the outside of the hospital and also it being
next to a highway. But I think that high that that
hospital's closed now. And also, I realize, I mean, I
scoured obituaries from that time period.
Obviously I don't remember the day.
I remember like, you know, it's like April, maybe even May of
2004. But I scoured obituaries and all
over Atlanta. But then I realized.
(35:32):
Hey Ohana, I hope you're loving this conversation as much as I
am. I just wanted to pause for a
quick moment to ask for your support.
If you're enjoying what you're hearing and feel like we've
earned it, would be so grateful if you could leave us a rating
or review. Your honest feedback really
helps us grow and reach more people who love exploring these
(35:53):
fascinating topics. And if you think this episode
would resonate with someone you know, don't forget to share it
with them. Mahala Nui Loa for being part of
our journey. Now back to the show 2000. 4 But
I scoured obituaries and all over Atlanta, but then I
realized her, her drawl. I mean, it was, it was thick.
(36:14):
I was like, wait, she's not fromAtlanta.
Of course they're going to do obituaries from her hometown,
which is like Alabama or so thatSouth Carolina.
Like, how do I know? So I was like, I can't, how do
I, I feel like, I feel like there's, there's got to be a,
that I don't know, there'll be something when, maybe when I can
afford a private investigator tolike, OK, this is, this is your
thing. Do this thing.
(36:36):
So I, I proceeded to continue towrite the book as a message in a
bottle. Like in the epilogue, I have a
letter to her. You know, I mean, the, the dream
is this, this reaches her. This dream is that, you know,
this maybe one day I get to giveher a hug and, and apologize.
And who knows if she's found a way to move on.
(36:58):
Who knows if she's even still alive.
Who knows if she's still in thatgrief and never have found
closure. So I, I, so I had this higher
purpose, which I'm, I was actually grateful for because it
really motivated how I showed upto the page and continue to
(37:19):
write. It also motivates how I promote
it and market it and get it out there because I have this higher
purpose of doing this of, of, you know, essentially making
amends. I've been, I've done the 12
steps. Yeah, I've done the 12 steps
for, well, for these 20 years. And part of that, you know, one
of those steps that people aren't familiar is you, you do
(37:39):
make amends for wrongs you've committed towards others.
And so there's many ways to do that.
And, you know, amends as being like a change in behavior, you
know, you know, not just an apology, but an apology and a
change in behavior and stuff. And so this is this is like this
is that working amends towards, you know, writing that terrible,
(38:01):
terrible wrong of hanging up on her and her son and her son.
I mean, so, so in that mind too,I mean, there's this arc.
I really leaned into the mother son arc because I, you know, I
wrote it to let that mother knowwhat happened to her son, but I
also wrote it to let my mother know what happened to her son.
(38:22):
And you know, and go ahead. Yes, you had.
You did mention that these this book is for two mothers, one who
lost her son and one who who raised you, and that that's very
powerful. The other, I guess the other big
(38:43):
final reason why now versus earlier was because, you know,
this arc with my mother, who whowhen I attempted suicide at 19
and when I came out to her, you know, her first words were like
panicked, teary eyed, like, do you have AIDS?
Like, God bless you now, you know, just just very like, no,
(39:06):
like, no, well, we love you, butnot the lifestyle, which is like
Christian code for, you know, being gay.
So, you know, and, and, and thenthe distancing between us
because she didn't know how to deal with me.
I didn't know how to deal with her.
And then that's when I went off the deep end.
And I would even come home and brag that I was dealing, you
know, just to get attention. And they just did not know how
(39:26):
to respond. My dad walked me, my dad took me
to my it's like take your son towork day.
He took me to my debriefing, my investing, my the, the
interrogation, you know, that kind of stuff.
He they were, they were there, but at the same time, like what,
what do you do with what do you do as a kid like me?
Like, what do you do especially like one that my mother thinks
(39:48):
I'm choosing, I'm choosing, you know, to be this way.
And therefore, because of that choice, yes, of course it's
leading to all the drugs becausethat's what the disgusting gays
do. You know, whatever.
So when I got sober now my mother has highlights, you know,
I was mocking her just now. But you know, underneath all of
(40:09):
that, she was still my mother. You know, she did not.
She mother in the most necessaryways, the most.
That she could, yeah, at the time.
Well, you know, after my case was dismissed, which is a whole
other story, you know, I lasted 6 more weeks out there, but for
(40:35):
read the book because it's a really good ending.
But it led to and I'm spoiler alert, I got sober, but it led
to the call the the call. When I say the call, I I
literally Sunday morning, 8:33 AM my 23rd birthday, September
26th, 2004, I called and I just said mom in the most broken
(41:00):
voice and she, she literally just said, where are you?
And for her it was like beneath the labels, beneath even the
religions, beneath everything, the turmoil, the angst bottom
floor. This was her son.
This was Mama bear. The cub is in danger.
And and so I gave them the address and they came and got
(41:23):
me, which is beautiful. And we spent the next few years
in recovery. Like, you know, I was just like,
like I was like, what? Like who at like.
Did you go through the shakes and all that detoxifying?
Is that real? That's, that's definitely real
with alcohol more than anything else with, with, with meth.
(41:43):
It was a lot of short term, it was just sleeping.
It was like I slept for two weeks.
I, well, actually I take that back.
I GHB. So this is true of
antidepressants. Sometimes when you're detoxing
(42:04):
off antidepressants, you, you have something called brain zaps
like like it's just, it's the electrical stuff like trying to
rework itself. It's pretty common.
It's terrifying when it happens before I even got sober with so
much GHB that I was doing, I wasgetting brain zaps even while
using and I'm going to make a note of that because I'm going
(42:26):
to talk about that later. But brain zaps was, was
something that like I would continue to have a few weeks
afterwards. So not tremors, but brain zaps.
And then with the math, I just slept for like 2 weeks.
And then but long term, you know, dopamine, meth not only
(42:50):
blocks the reuptake of dopamine,it also pushes out more.
So you know what you or I without any drugs get, you know,
when we have that piece of chocolate and we, we get a drop
of dopamine in our, you know, our pharmacy back there.
If I was on meth and I had the chocolate it, it would, that
(43:13):
drop would be an ocean, a dopamine.
Hence why a lot of people, you know, hyper focus on certain
things. You know, some it is sex because
that's even asking for even more.
I mean, that's just like you're swimming in an ocean dopamine,
which means it lasts longer and it's but others, like I had one
client that just was obsessed with power tools.
(43:33):
And so he had a room full of power tools.
Or you know, when you get when you get the psychosis from that
sleeping people think there's bugs, so they get obsessed with.
Oh yes, those are meth users. Oh, yeah, a lot of and a lot of
the the boys loved primping and pruning so that they'd have the
most perfect eyebrows and just obsessed with skin and hair.
(43:55):
And anyway, why was I telling you that part?
I was telling you that part. I don't remember, but I was
telling you about my mother. And the first couple years of
getting into recovery, I really felt close to my mother because
I was just, it was just, I'm just the son who's doesn't know
how to function. And so when I moved out to LA,
she even helped me move out. But but when 2008 happened, she
(44:21):
finally, I say finally in a goodway, finally divorced my father
and she came out to California. And the Mormons at that time
were pushing Prop 8, which was against legalizing gay marriage.
And my mother was like, well, ofcourse I'm voting against that.
Like, I mean, I mean, of course I'm voting for not allowing gay
marriage, not even realizing what she was saying to me.
(44:41):
And so as the more sober I got, the more painful it was to
actually be in a relationship with her.
And so, sadly, we stopped talking for quite a number of
years. But that was necessary in
letting grieving the mother I was still trying to expect her
to be and now allowing her to bethe mother that she was or what
(45:04):
you know, I didn't, I mean, I really thought it was like,
we're done, you know, but we slowly reconnected and and you
know, the the last chapter of mybook is, is I'm talking about my
wedding day into 2023 where my very Mormon mother walked me
down my very game. That's awesome.
(45:25):
Did the rest of your family go with you too?
Like your dad, your brothers, everybody?
Did they all accept you? Your whole family?
Oh, that's awesome. That's great.
There's, you know, most people, it's interesting, a lot of
people that don't that maybe like are a gay are against gay
(45:48):
or transgender anything. 9 timesout of 10 it's because they
don't, they don't really, they may say, I know a gay person, I
work with one, but no, I mean like really know a gay person or
a transgender person, They're being really truly, you know,
none of my family is Mormon except for my mother, But my
brother, my eldest brother, he was like leading Mormon example
(46:10):
and I affected him by, you know,what happened with Prop 8, but
then also saying other things. But the thing that really
shifted him was he was, he was one of the creative designers
at, at YouTube and for almost 2 years he worked side by side,
this lesbian woman with kids andeverything.
And he just sort of walked away from the experience of like,
wait, she's normal. Like, I don't understand.
(46:30):
Like because the church is saying you're choosing to be
this way. It's a cancer, it's a sin, all
that kind of stuff. And they still kind of, you
know, they try to placate that by saying you can be Mormon now.
I mean, you can be gay and Mormon, but you just can't act
on it. It's just anyway that affected
him. And so I think most, most people
who are so outspoken against it,it's just like, you don't really
(46:50):
know, You may say like my cousin's gay or like I worked
with the no, I mean like really know a gay person.
And then by like existing with them and realizing that they,
there's no, there's no difference.
There's no. No.
Yeah, exactly. Yeah, so.
If you never got caught, do you think you'd still be in that
world today? No, no, I I think the reason it
(47:20):
was so hard and fast was becauseI was quite driven.
OK, so I was I loved acting in high school, but I was competing
with playing sports like my brothers.
My three other brothers left me at sports legacy.
(47:41):
So I was like expected do this. Plus I was still trying to be
straight. And anyway, I loved acting.
And then when I went to college,I was like, oh, this acting
thing's fun. Let me pursue that.
And so I did that in college, but obviously failed out with
the drugs and the yadda, yadda. But but even while I was in
college, I booked my first soap opera and I was like, well, look
how easy it is, which is it never happens that way.
(48:04):
And so, which is so funny and so, but, but you know, before
falling into dealing and stuff, I really was convincing myself
that like acting as a career, like I can do it.
Like I, I, I think I can do this.
But most especially because the,you know, my favorite times with
(48:28):
my father growing up were when he and I, so it was six other
siblings or seven of us. And so whenever I'm alone with a
parent, it was like treasured. And so my dad and I would always
sneak away to the movies. And I remember, you know, and,
and we would, my, my, my dad wasnot Mormon.
So that was another dynamic here.
And my mother obviously being very Mormon, you know, forcing
(48:50):
us to go to church and that was the best little Mormon way for
her. Except I love going to movies
with my dad because we would tell my mom we're going to go
see this PG whatever movie, but we'd always he'd always take me
to the radar movies. And so I grew up doing the
watching the 90s action heroes like Bruce Willis, Arnold
Schwarzenegger, the classic guyswith my dad.
And you know, if there's any stupid 90s sex scenes and my dad
(49:14):
would be like, Oh, chicas, coveryour eyes, you know, you know,
it's really cute. But, but I just remember
watching him watch the, the movie screen, the silver screen
and just like thinking like I, I've never seen him look like
that. I've never seen him look at any
of us like that. And then just like I, I already
(49:39):
loved acting, but it was like I,I got, I, I need to be up there.
I need to be up there on that big screen.
And it's so innocent. Of course, I mean, you know,
there's nothing wrong with that.There's ultimately yes, I, I'm
desperately needing to be loved and validated for my father to
love me. There's but sorry, but at that
time, at that moment, there's nothing wrong with that little
(49:59):
boy thinking that I have to say that or watching my mother
watch, you know, the, the actresses on the red carpet at
the Oscars and just, you know, but I but I was like watching
that, but then also knowing I loved, I loved acting.
I was like, oh, OK, OK, cool. They're they're I got to be
famous and I was powerfully driven in that, you know, I was
(50:24):
like, I got to be successful in Hollywood.
And so I had that already as I was walking into dating the
dealer. But but the reason I even
started going into the DC scene was the first breakup.
So I was in a relationship all four years of high school
undercover, you know, with my best friend boyfriend.
(50:44):
I was madly in love with him when I felt like the Mormon God
was abandoning me at 13 and cursed me with the disease of
gayness. He became my new God.
And so when that ended at 19, drugs and alcohol became the new
God. And so that was kind of, even
though all that's happening, I still had this drive to be like,
(51:05):
well, I'm going to be an actor and this whole thing.
And so I dated another guy for two years.
And when that was ending, I was so terrified at the breakup.
That's what threw me into DC. I was like, I'm going to do
drugs to save my life. I truly thought that and fine,
that's fine. And so when I was dating the
dealer, I was like, oh, well, I'm just going to learn.
I'm, I'm going to have really cool stories that I can tell on
(51:26):
David Letterman one day, like. Well, now you do.
I mean, I didn't mean for that to really.
Happen, yes. But but because because I
started having experiences like,oh, this is like a movie.
This is like a movie. And but but the the this is I, I
(51:46):
didn't realize I was answering this question for so long.
But the, but the acting, the acting part was just before I
got arrested, I proved that dealer dumbass boyfriend.
I proved him wrong and I was actually getting out.
I was like, cool, I got a couplethousand.
I just dropped out of theater school, but I can go back to the
Community College and then go back to theater school like
great. And I cuz it was so cuz I again,
(52:08):
I was 22, I was like, I'm invincible.
I have so much life ahead of me.So that was the thinking.
So I was actually getting out right before I got arrested.
So I do think, I do think watching my peers, like continue
to grow or something, something would have happened that would
have shaken me out of it. I do believe that.
But but, but would I have struggled with alcohol and drugs
(52:32):
from that point on? That's a whole other question.
And the, the choice to get sober, even 20 years later,
later is still the best decisionI've ever made.
It's, it's still, it's such a good decision that I even wonder
if I actually made it or if thatwas just something made for me,
(52:53):
some higher power. And like, that's just part of
my, my fate, my destiny and my journey.
I I guess. Wow, now when you watch yourself
on screen or have you seen your dad watch you on screen and give
that same look? I've seen it.
Great question. There's a sad answer to this
(53:18):
because my dad passed in 2023 and.
Sorry. No, no, it's OK, it's OK and he
my work. Oh, actually, yes, because I why
would I forget this when I had aa good amount of success, like
(53:39):
in the early twenty 10s yes, I got to bring my dad to set.
I got to like in in you know, that was a fun like just wide
eyed and like oh, like I got to see him even you know, see how
it all works, you know how how it all comes together?
So I got to experience it even more, you know, and, and he
(54:02):
would watch, you know, the, the,the screen behind the director's
booth. And it was a fun day for him,
I'm sure. So I, I did, I did, But even
then, I don't think I was able to like fully take in what was
happening with him. Obviously it's easier.
It's, it's easier now with this understanding that I have, you
(54:23):
know, and, and do I wish that he, you know, lung cancer didn't
take him, you know, before I could really, really take him to
a premiere like of a big blockbuster and, you know, watch
your son up there. Sure.
But I don't think that that's a superficial, ultimately
(54:44):
superficial reason to pursue my career.
I'm deeper. I'm pulled deeper by the, the,
the love of it, the, the I love the challenge of each role and
what that brings, that kind of stuff.
And also how do I heal this withmy dad needing his validation
separate from all the acting stuff anyway, which I think we
got to, we definitely got to by the time he passed.
(55:06):
So that that's. That's great.
That's awesome. But can you tell us a little bit
about your paintings? I've seen that.
They're beautiful. I will talk about art all day.
I appreciate that. You know, it's, it's, it's, it's
so fun because it, it's something separate from what I
thought. You know, it's, it's I maybe
people have things in their lives that are happening that
(55:29):
they never ever could have. Like, wait, what?
How's this happening? And it just makes it so fun
because my hands aren't on it. Like it isn't like with acting,
it was like it has to happen this way and this time and.
Somebody's telling you what you should be doing.
Yes. And then suddenly there's this
thing over here that's just like, oh, this is fun.
This isn't touched by anybody. This is my thing.
And so you know, around that time too, like I, well, I always
(55:52):
loved art. I was I didn't paint, but I
loved like art history. My mother is is a decorative
artist and my eldest brother, like I said, he was a creative
designer for YouTube, but he is now like a full time artist and
he does these really cool seascapes like oceans views that
look like you could touch the water.
But I paint abstract. I'm like, I don't.
(56:15):
So, you know, I was in between, in between acting jobs.
I needed some other kind of income.
So I, I, I totally, of course, this is how the universe works.
But I just, I fell into being a gallery director and I was like,
well, this is fun. I like this.
I like selling art. This is cool.
I'll do this. And then I just, I didn't have
like, you know, 10 grand to pay my, my artist for his work.
(56:41):
So I was like, I'll go home and I'll do it.
And then really quickly realizedwhy I was paying him 10 grand.
But I was like, Oh, I love this thing.
And then, you know, for, for gosh, eight years, 10 years,
like it, it would pain was for me.
I got to say, if anybody just wants a, a mindful activity to
(57:03):
even heal what's happening in the unconscious, just pick up
some crayons or paints and take out a piece of paper and do
something abstract. And it is so pleasing.
It gets you in touch with your creativity.
It heals, it does heal trauma. I mean, if you get in touch with
it and then you just paint it out, it will heal trauma.
And so I, I feel like that's what was happening.
(57:25):
You know, I mean, I was like, I mean, I was painting, I mean, I
couldn't stop. I mean, it was just like, this
is amazing. And then one day I looked up and
I was like, oh, wait, these are actually, these are pretty good.
I wonder if people will buy them.
And then, yeah, so like. That's awesome.
Well, it helps that I ran an artgallery that I like, know, like
(57:46):
approach these galleries and so,and so now I sell prints on my
website that, you know, you know, 'cause that way people can
afford it from, you know, all sizes.
I have a show. I mean, this is crazy.
I have a show in Berlin next month.
It's like, oh. My God.
Yeah, it's. Like that's awesome.
Everyone here in Pasadena and it's just like, OK, OK, well
that's happening. Let's just OK, cool.
(58:09):
I mean, again, as we started this, like it's just absurd that
any of this is happening after. I know you're very fortunate.
Yes, yes, very. I but I paid for that.
Yes, you did. You did.
You went through hell. Yeah, I know.
It's just, it's just like, I mean, I, I don't know, I don't
(58:30):
want to sound ungrateful. I don't want to sound anything,
but I, I am, I'm making a joke. But but, but like, you know, if
things were still absolutely shitty today, I would have been
like, dude, God, what's up, man?Like, bro, bro, you really want
me to like, off myself? Like, I don't get it.
Like, this is, you know, But yeah, yeah, yeah.
(58:54):
I am grateful for the superpowerof, like, you know, nothing
compares to that. So it makes me automatically
grateful for today. You also have a strong acting
career too, so are you working on anything right now?
Anything upcoming shows? I wish.
No, I mean, as it goes, you know, you audition for things
and then you, you know, you waitto hear and then you're like,
(59:15):
oh, you almost got it. But it went to this bigger name,
you know, not a bigger name. Now.
I just, I just finished doing last season of 911 on ABCI, did
a number of episodes. That was a lot of fun.
Just sort of it's because it it had been, it had been a moment.
(59:37):
It had been a moment since I I got them credits rolling.
So it was nice to just, you know, be working on set opposite
Angela Bassett. I.
Mean. Yeah, I know, right?
That's awesome. She's amazing.
Everything I did was with her and I just, I learned so much
working with her and just how professional she is and just
(59:57):
doing the work I was. I was very grateful, yeah.
That's awesome. That's awesome.
Well, where's the best place forpeople to follow your work, find
your art, acting your updates onyour book?
Yes, thank you for that. The best place.
Well, I, I aggregate everything to Instagram, you know, I kind
(01:00:17):
of funnel it all to that. So that's maybe we put those in
the show notes, but that's at Sean Hemion.
And then from there you can do the what do you call it, like
the tree links and you can clickmy website is Sean hemming.com.
But also there is where I have all my updates on, you know, the
publication date for the book. When I have that, it's got some
(01:00:39):
of my acting stuff, but mostly it has available, you know,
prints all sizes framed on canvas.
You know, I just decided to, I've sold majority of my
originals, but I love them so much.
They're so good that I was just like, I wish I could have this
for other people. And then I found the way of
like, oh, OK, cool. I can actually print these and
(01:00:59):
you know, people can buy them ascanvas or paper framed and that
kind of stuff. So I'm grateful to be able to do
that as well. Yeah, that's awesome.
Well, thank you so much for showing up with so much honesty
and depth. I really appreciate your time
and your openness, and I'm honored to share it here.
And I wish you strength, peace, and continued creativity as you
(01:01:22):
keep telling your story in your art, in your acting, and in your
book. I'll be watching and I'll be
cheering you on for sure. Thank you SO.
Much thank you. And that brings us to an end of
another episode. Sean, thank you so much for
sharing your story with such brutal honesty and depth.
(01:01:47):
It's not easy to revisit the darkest corners of your past,
but in doing so, you've given usall something powerful.
Truth, redemption, and a reminder that healing is
possible. To everyone listening, if this
conversation moved you, please share it.
(01:02:08):
Follow this show and leave a positive review wherever you're
tuning in. You can also support my work on
Patreon or buy me a coffee. Links are in the description.
Every bit helps keep these real raw conversation going.
Mahalanui Loa, until the next time, bye.
(01:02:45):
Come on. None.
(01:05:01):
The.
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