April 16, 2024 • 84 mins
This Week's Episode:
We're divin' into the chat of loving our children and those around us, even if we disagree!
Join us as we start the chat about loving unconditionally!
Podcast's Introduction:
Do you enjoy company and want to laugh while learning, especially when talking about life's lessons?
Join AJ and A.Rae as they explore the multi-faceted world of health and well-being! No experts on the matter in terms of formal education, but life's experience has taught them a thing or two.
No claim do they make in being all knowledgeable or perfect-
AJ and A.Rae strive for:
- Learning and growth
- Healing, to overcome and be empowered
- Laughter and joy
- A supportive community
AJ and A.Rae state,
"We are two best friends having a conversation and want to include you! So, grab your beverage of choice, pull up a chair, and get comfy! Cheers to womanhood!" ~With love, your hosts
Connect with us:
Facebook: facebook.com/2mamasafterdark
Email: 2mamasafterdark@gmail.com
Instagram: instagram.com/2mamasafterdark
Website: https://wandermusings.my.canva.site/#connect-w-us
We left the kettle on!
Resources and gems for this episode:
Please review on listing posted on our blog, https://wanderingmusings2mamasafterdark.blogspot.com/
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
Welcome to the wandering musings of AJ and A-Rey!
(00:04):
To Mamas After Dark!
Sit back, relax, and enjoy!
Welcome everyone!
(00:27):
Welcome, welcome, welcome!
To another episode!
We were big kids this morning!
We were big kids.
Yeah, we troubleshoot- we troubleshooted for ourselves.
Woohoo! All by ourselves with no one's help.
How are you on this beautiful spring day all bundled up in your blankey?
(00:49):
Uh, I dressed for upstairs and outside.
And I'm downstairs in my basement, so it's pretty cold!
And then I have my fan going and my window open with this beautiful sunny breeze on me.
I mean, I have my fans going on upstairs and my windows open.
(01:11):
It's just your basement of-
My cellar. My cellar dwelling.
Which you will appreciate come summertime.
Oh, absolutely.
When it's miserably hot, but right now-
It was 77 yesterday.
And when I came downstairs, I was like, oh, this is delightful.
(01:36):
Not right now!
It'll be fine. You'll survive.
I think so. I think so.
So how's your week been?
It's time to spill the tea.
What are you thinking? What are you drinking?
It's not too bad.
Well, before I get to that, so we don't mess up like we did last time.
(01:58):
What are you drinking?
Oh, yeah, we got to spill our tea.
Yeah.
Shoot, man.
Well, I just finished it.
But I had a green smoothie.
Nice.
For my breakfast.
Mm-hmm.
I had lemon ginger tea that I just finished.
(02:21):
And now I'm sipping on the water.
And I do have a protein shake thingamabobber that I'm trying to choke down,
but it doesn't- it's not appealing today.
So I'll stick to my water.
You're not 100% today.
No, no.
The stomach bug has been making its way through our house.
(02:42):
So it caught up to me.
Just in our germs.
Yes.
So that's my week.
Both our germs.
That all ties into my week.
Yes.
The stomach bug has made its way through my house.
It started on my birthday, which was this last week.
And it started with this one.
At birth, it's you.
(03:04):
Thank you.
So yeah, that was a delightful entry into my birthday.
With my child.
Growing up in the middle of the night, all over, all over.
So do we say now that this could be triggering?
(03:25):
Sure. Sure. Yes.
So that was my week.
Other than that, I mean, it's been fine.
Great.
How's yours?
I'm fine.
I'm very busy.
I've barely heard from you.
(03:46):
I know.
What are you doing?
So what are you doing?
So when.
She messages me and I don't talk to her all day long.
Cause I'm busy at work.
I'm like,
Are you live?
Hello.
How are you holding up?
But that's usually what I ask.
And then a couple hours later, I'm okay.
(04:09):
So I'm like, I'm fine.
Yeah.
This is a busy day.
Yup.
Yup.
Yeah, no.
Good.
We're coming down to the home stretch.
The show opens on Friday.
So I better be done with the costume.
(04:32):
It was, it was.
I was asked to help because the other person.
I was asked to help because the other person was sick.
So I was like, okay.
And then.
The person that was the assistant to the person that couldn't ask for help
sooner.
She learns that from.
Her last experience.
And then she got sick.
(04:54):
And then she also is in college.
So she's been doing like her final projects.
Ooh.
For her.
Timing was just awesome.
And then she's been doing like her final projects.
So she's helped when she can.
Which is great.
Let me say that better grammatically.
She has helped when she.
(05:15):
Who would have.
But when she's not available.
She can't. So that's fine. I get it.
So.
I have been at the theater almost every day the past two weeks.
And I've been doing all the stunts.
And I've been doing everything.
(05:36):
But then I've been also looking at my yard.
Like I need to get this done.
And that's okay.
Just finding a balance. Right.
I'm like, but if I get all this done.
Then I can catch up on everything else.
Including.
This way.
(05:59):
I'm like, oh, I'm going to be like, oh, I'm going to be like,
Oh, I'm going to be like, oh, I'm going to be like, oh, I'm going to be like.
Let's not talk about that.
My eyes.
Like.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I can at least go to the bathroom when I need to.
When I need to.
(06:22):
Get up when I need to, when I'm like, I cannot sit here any longer.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Although.
Couple of weeks.
It'll all be over.
And then I get to put it all away.
It's fine.
Thanks.
No, it's, it's good though, because.
(06:44):
I haven't done.
I haven't.
Costumed a show in a little while.
I've helped.
Very different.
I've helped.
Like, do you want this?
Do you want this?
Like I can pull a thing.
Do you want this?
The other way you have to think about how it looks on stage and
(07:06):
everything comes together.
And just the other day I was sitting in.
Finally got to sit in the audience seats for a little bit to see how
things were coming together.
And I was like, Oh yeah, I do know what I'm.
I'm not just running around.
I'm not just sitting around.
I'm not just sitting around.
I'm not just sitting around.
I'm not just sitting around.
I'm not just sitting around.
(07:27):
I'm not just sitting around.
Although it feels like that.
Cause you have to try to pull people in between.
Then going on stage for the rehearsal.
And sometimes you're just like, you know what?
They're going to have to deal with you not being there.
You want to have clothes.
On.
They're going to have to wait for you.
And then they're going to have to do the rehearsal.
(07:52):
So yeah, no, it's coming together today.
I'm going to be dying.
Not dying like.
But.
The fabric, a different color for the bandanas and sashes.
Cause I have people.
To dress.
Fine.
So it's, it's like the accessory things that are happening in like the
(08:14):
minor.
I'm not sure.
I'm not sure.
I'm not sure.
I'm not sure.
I'm not sure.
I'm not sure.
I'm not sure.
Some of the dresses weren't long enough.
So I had to get creative on how.
To make them longer.
That has the same look.
Coming down to the.
The end here.
I'm coming down to the wire.
Yeah.
And it's good.
Yeah.
(08:35):
At least I'm not coming down to the wire and being like,
Oh my gosh, I don't have any.
It's more of.
That's like a.
That can hold the scroll.
Okay.
Well, I'm not going to sew that into the costume.
Cause that would take forever.
To do two of them.
(09:03):
Cause I already have a pile, right. Of things that I'm sewing.
So then I'm like, well,
I can make a pocket like.
Like the old school 15, 1600.
kind of thing that you can hold the whole bunch.
So I'm going to do the same thing.
Modify it.
Just make it more like a messenger bag.
Pocket thing.
(09:23):
I like it.
That's that's the real terminology right there.
Pocket thingy.
Pocket thingy.
I love it.
Highly.
Amazing.
Highly.
Correct.
Wordage there.
Yes.
That's the word.
That's that's the Lux terminology right there.
If you're posh enough.
(09:46):
There's stuff like that in here.
No, actually you say that.
What was it?
I think it was Friday.
It was either Thursday or Friday.
I want to say it was Friday.
I was so tired.
I dropped Kaden off.
He had a filter.
Well, they call it filled word.
(10:07):
But filled trip.
And I came home.
He asked me to put his switch on the charger.
I came home, put it on my charger because I was like, I am going straight to bed.
Went to bed.
I fell asleep and slept for like two and a half hours in the same position.
I didn't.
Wow.
(10:28):
Which is a lot for me because I heard if I stay stationary, so I move.
Yeah, I was like, I know I'm tired.
I was tired.
But it's worth it.
It's worth watching people have a new world to play.
And it reminded me that I really do enjoy sewing.
(10:49):
So I was like, you know, when I'm done with this, I think I might start.
Sewing my own clothes.
Well, okay, cool time.
When are you going to have time to do that?
Well, I make time.
(11:10):
You take on a lot of projects.
I don't know about myself, though.
Okay.
Well, that'd be cool though.
What kind of clothes are we talking about?
I found a 1940s dress that style that I want to try to do.
(11:35):
Okay.
And then I want to try a couple of jumpsuits and overalls from like the 40s and 50s.
I think would be the, you know, cool.
So I'm starting there.
Okay.
And of course, it's stuff that I can wear.
So it will fit better.
(12:00):
That's true.
It's custom made for you.
You know, all right.
We'll see what happens.
If I do it right, maybe I can make it a dress.
If I do it right, maybe I can make it adjustable so that if I grow or get smaller, right now, I'm getting smaller.
(12:26):
That would, you know.
And everything would have pockets.
Oh, you know it.
Pockets on top of pockets.
Yeah, and not dinky pockets because I'll tell you how frustrating it is when you put on a dress that has pockets and you have like an inch to two inches of a pocket.
(12:59):
And you're like, what am I supposed to put in this thing?
Yeah.
My chapstick?
That's about it.
And it still falls out.
And who I'm getting to the point where I love my leather purse and that's like the only purse that I use.
I have days that I don't to use my purse.
(13:19):
And it would just be nice to be able to just put what I need in my pocket.
Yep.
Without it falling out.
I'm not bitter.
No, pockets are a requirement.
Good pockets are a requirement now.
Yeah, I'm going to apologize up front.
(13:40):
People have been burning their limbs, etc.
around me.
So if I am coughing.
They're tree limbs, not body limbs, right?
Valid.
Valid.
Yes.
Tree limbs and other yard debris.
Some of which I totally don't want to watch crime shows.
(14:04):
Totally don't.
No, I'm glad you said something.
Somebody might have thought of that.
Just the way that you said it.
Girl, where are you living?
That was just funny.
Let's listen to some musings.
Quotes, poems, short stories, inspirational, uplifting news, and of course, kippy dippy astrology.
(14:30):
Anyways, on to our musings.
I have a quote for you.
And it's a quote that probably everyone has heard.
If not everyone, you should probably watch the movie to understand it.
If you don't know.
And that is life is like a box of chocolates.
You never know what you're going to get.
(14:51):
Yes.
It's so true though.
It is.
And some of some things are simply delightful.
Because some chocolate is simply delightful and some you're like, it's got my mouth.
Why is this even in here?
Why did you put this in here?
(15:13):
But then you realize that other people like it, you know, and so it's a perspective thing.
You know, try not to judge people.
So much, so much like a box of chocolates.
I do like that quote.
Yes, I second that.
For our hippie dippy banter.
(15:34):
I wanted to talk about nature walks.
I love nature walks.
If you haven't noticed, I am slightly on brain fog, sleep deprivation, and smoke inhalation.
(15:55):
And I'm a little quirky right now.
You're always quirky.
That's fair.
But a little bit more because my brain's like, I don't know what's going on.
So nature walks.
As I have said before, nature is super.
(16:18):
I don't know if you could say it in the sentence this way, but nature is super sacred to me.
Okay, good.
It's it always has been, it always will be.
(16:38):
And it's manifested even when I'm just outside working.
Like, I feel more accomplished.
I feel like I'm a steward of the land that I get to work with.
I feel like it's a privilege.
And it is because not everybody gets to.
But I think we can if we if we wanted to, you know, like the spaces where there's a
(17:04):
gentleman in our community who walks almost every morning, if not every morning, and picks
up all the litter, like the wind blows and stuff like that because he just wants he wants
to live in a clean place.
(17:25):
And we can do that.
You know, we can the eyesore that we drive by or walk by all the time and we're like,
oh, somebody needs to love this land.
Well, that somebody can be you.
You can start with a thing of seeds, throw it in there and see what happens.
Be a scientist for a minute.
(17:47):
But I feel for me, I feel called to love and heal her and the souls within her and around
and nature walks as a way for you to get to know not just your community and and the people
around you, but a way to get to know what is.
(18:11):
And the trees, the bushes, the birds, the insects, the gross ones and the not so gross
one like the mosquitoes.
Oh, yes.
I live by a bay, so they're around.
Yeah.
You open my door and they swarm at you.
(18:31):
Oh, it's so much fun.
I read this and more than one location that mosquitoes also pollinate.
What?
Yep.
I didn't know that they do it obviously different.
They can help pollinate.
(18:53):
I was like, well, I still hate you, but I understand a little bit more while you're
around.
I have moments that I'm better at it and I have moments that I am not going on nature
walks and thinking about nature.
(19:13):
But it's a way to listen to the world that's around you, not just man made.
But Earth made.
It's also fun during the springtime, which was what we're in, because then you start
seeing the blooms and the little sprouts that are pop up from the plant babies.
(19:36):
And then if you're like me and you get to live where there's agriculture and livestock,
you see all the baby cow and sheep and horses and goats.
And my kids think I'm not because I'm all like, oh, but it's so cute.
(19:58):
They're like, that's my mom.
No matter.
Of course, I'm the person that gets excited when I go up in the mountains and I'm like,
there's pine trees.
You can't tell I grew up where there's pine trees, can you?
Anyways, but it's also I appreciate all of the nature pictures that everybody sends me.
(20:26):
I love them.
They become my computer backgrounds.
Oh, good, because I send you a lot of them.
You and my parents, like my parents just sent me some this week and I was like, thank you
for my new computer background.
They were super pretty.
But it's not just a one sense thing that you know, like you don't just see it, but you
(20:53):
smell it.
You interact with it.
You touch it.
You feel it.
And I think that's what makes it so sacred because you're able to use all the senses
you have to experience it.
And it kind of pulls you away from the day to day.
(21:14):
It gives you an opportunity to meditate, to work through things that you normally get
distractions at or fall into a conversation with a person that you would never normally
talk to because I've had that with on hikes and things like that that I've gone on.
(21:38):
There was one time that I talked to a woman who I was in my early 30s at the time and
she was in her late 60s and the conversation that we had through the whole trail and sometimes
she was there and sometimes she wasn't because sometimes I would go faster.
Sometimes she would go a little faster kind of thing.
Right.
Stop and have lunch and you know, kind of thing.
(21:59):
But it's just really fun to experience things and people differently than you normally
would.
And I will put these things for you guys to delve deeper into it.
But there is also quite a bit of articles and research that shows going for a walk can
(22:26):
improve your overall health.
And that can be from whether you're in a forest, walking around your roadside, in a park, wherever
because it helps your mental well-being and your general because you're using your body.
(22:50):
One of the things that I read was a study that used the fMRI found lower activation
of the brain structure that signals fear and threat after 60 minutes walking in a natural
environment compared to an urban environment.
Meaning, yes, it leaves you feeling restored and having an improved attention, which we
(23:15):
found when we were working at clinic.
If we just would go out and take a break and walk around, we come back like, okay, I know
what to do now or I'm focused.
I'm here.
I'm not focusing.
There are others, but I'll let you all go down that rabbit hole for yourself.
(23:37):
I just wanted to, while we're gearing into spring and seeing all of these lovely things
that are drawing us out of our homes.
Yes.
Here's some benefits of it.
And I know for me, sometimes it's hard to get the motivation to get up and get out of
(23:58):
the house and go for a walk.
Once you're there, my gosh, it's so worth it.
Right?
It's like I said about swimming.
I don't want to get into the pool, but once I'm in it, I'm fine.
Same idea.
(24:19):
You might not want to go, but once you start walking, you'll feel so grateful that you
did.
So do you have anything to inspire us beyond nature walk?
Well, I mean, I don't know if it's inspiring, but I thought it was really cute.
So we had that eclipse this past week.
(24:43):
I don't remember what day it was.
And so I found this article.
It was Tuesday, wasn't it?
Was it on my birthday?
It was either Monday or Tuesday.
No, it was Monday.
It was Monday.
This week is a blur.
It's like you were, you know, trying to navigate a child or something.
(25:05):
Oh, goodness.
Anyways, this is article and it says, and so it's about a teacher back in 1978.
In New York.
And he was a science teacher and they were going there were.
(25:30):
Projecting the trajectories of the upcoming eclipses.
And they saw that the one in April, April 8th, so that would be Monday.
Those going to pass by their hometown in New York, and he said, hey, circle that one on
April 8th, 2024.
(25:51):
We're going to get together on that one.
And his students says his students chuckled at that thought, finding it challenging to
fathom such a distant future event, which I mean, yeah, if you're thinking, you know,
1978 to 2024, like that's a really long time.
I can't think.
And who knows where you will be.
(26:12):
Right.
But right.
And it says fast forward to two years ago.
So in 2022.
Yes, the teacher, his name is Patrick Moriarty.
So sorry if I mispronounce that I'm not best at pronouncing things.
(26:33):
He got on Facebook and he created an event and he sent it out to as many of his former
students as he could find.
And he invited them all to show up, find into his house and roughly 100 of his former students
showed up to his house in New York.
(26:54):
To watch the clips.
That is inspiring.
So cute.
He said emotions ran high as familiar faces from their junior high days reconnected when
they were walking up, I could see their little ninth grade faces still.
As the solar eclipse spectact spectacle unfolded surrounding the warmth of shared memories,
(27:22):
laughter and camaraderie.
Moriarty proposed another reunion in two decades for the next solar eclipse.
That's so cute.
That is very.
Happy tears.
I know.
I'm like, OK, the fact that there's several things going on here.
(27:46):
The fact that he connected with his class that well with his students that much for
them to want to.
I don't know if they were all still in New York or if they cared enough to go to New
York to be there with him.
Combination of both.
And for them to be connected with him on Facebook for him to have kept the names of all of his
(28:12):
students and remember them and for him to remember their faces like.
Yeah.
Oh, that's just it was so cute.
That's a good turnout.
100 people.
Yeah, I hope he had a bigger place for them.
Right.
It was so cute.
That's you.
(28:33):
I love it.
Well, and it.
It reminds you that, you know, like the days that you wake up and you're like, who even
cares who cares that we're trying to create a world.
(28:55):
That is kind and loving and uplifting.
Like who even cares?
Because it doesn't feel like it sometimes.
Right.
Like you.
Right.
I know I had moments where I was like, I'll just go to work today.
And who cares?
Like I don't even think anybody cares.
And then you would have like the one patient that was like, thank you so much.
And you could feel the love and gratitude.
(29:20):
And you're like, oh, that's.
Or that's why I wake up and I try to have a better world and create a better space.
Yeah, because it's hard.
And I'm sure he had his days where he was like, I do not want to go to work today because
I'm going to have a turn of a kid who probably turned out to be his favorite kid.
(29:44):
Probably at the end of his school year.
That's probably the one that hugged him the hardest and the longest at that little reunion.
That was like, thanks for not giving up on me.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yep.
I have many a school teacher friends and some of them work in a very hard, hard place to
(30:08):
work like they're stressed out all the time and they deal with guns and they deal with
knives like knives and they deal with people who may end up in jail someday or are ending
up in jail or their parents are in jail, you know, kind of thing.
(30:28):
And I say, you know, for your mental well-being, you should leave.
But I understand.
Yeah.
It's hard.
Somebody's got to love them though.
Yep.
(30:48):
You never know how it's going to touch them someday in their life.
With that, speaking of children, we do want to say that our topic today can be triggering.
Splish splash.
We're diving into the main topic.
(31:10):
We're trying to deliver it in a way that it is not, but it can be just because of the
topic that we're bringing.
And always we are not professionals.
This is our experience and yeah, we have a degree in life.
Yeah.
Not a degree on paper saying you are a doctorate in parenthood.
(31:36):
Yes.
No, life gave me that doctorate.
Yeah.
So, today's topic.
No, go ahead.
No, I was just going to say today's topic is parenting from the heart, embracing your
child's identity.
And what were you going to say?
I was going to say that because this topic is close to my heart and my experience, and
(32:05):
I do want to say that I do have my child's permission to share everything that I do share
and their blessing and.
Well, you have a different perspective than my perspective.
Yes.
Yeah.
And some of the things that I share actually have never been shared before.
(32:28):
So, this will be a very interesting topic.
Okay.
Well, a long time ago now, as my oldest is turning 16.
Are we old enough for this?
Apparently, yes.
I have a soon to be 16 year old in like less than a week.
(32:54):
Whether I'm ready or not.
Here we go.
A long time ago now, my boys' dad said, if they ever come to me and say they are gay
or anything than heterosexual, then I'm going to pay for them to sleep with a female and
charge and change them to be right.
(33:15):
And I put that in air quotes.
Right.
It hurt so much.
And this is when this is when Lorenzo was a baby.
A baby like a wee babe in arms.
It hurt my heart so much.
That I said, no, absolutely not.
(33:40):
And I say that now and I will say that forever.
No, that's a long time ago.
Isn't that gross?
I thought it was gross.
I was like, how much fear and hatred is coming out of you?
So a long time ago, I decided love, not fear, would be my route.
(34:00):
Whether it be my child, a family member, a friend, an acquaintance, or even a complete
stranger.
I will love them.
You know, if it's an acquaintance or a complete stranger, I might not keep them in my life
because they might not be like personality on the same wavelength, right?
(34:25):
But I will never judge them for that.
I will confess.
I get confused on the pronouns.
Oh, there's so many of them now.
It's so difficult.
Yeah.
And I will be honest.
I don't mean it in a bad way.
I don't mean it to be hateful or malicious.
(34:49):
It's just like you learn one way and you have to learn to say it differently.
You know what I mean?
And the one that gets me the most, and I've told you this and I think I've told other
people is the hardest for me is the they.
I have a hard time because like for me, my mother has what used to be termed as multiple
(35:15):
personalities, and so the use of they, and I put that in quotes, for one person, it just
it triggers something inside.
And I mean, it's deep inside because my mom has had this my whole life.
(35:36):
And so I choose not to use those pronouns because of it.
Again, not to be malicious, not to be disrespectful, but because I mentally can't handle.
And so for those that do have those pronouns, I find using their names, opting for their
(36:03):
names where it's appropriate or phrasing things to where I don't have to use pronouns makes
it to where we're both comfortable.
Yeah.
I think a lot of the time and this is both on both sides, right?
On both sides of it, the aisle, so to speak.
(36:24):
We are saying, well, this is just how I am.
So take it.
And or this is just how I believe.
So take it.
And we have to find that compromise.
We have to find that ability to see each other and move past it.
That's what I think.
(36:48):
So back to that narrative of what I started with.
I decided that if someone I cared for or even if I didn't know them, right?
If they came to me and shared that their gender or sexual orientation was different than the
societal norm, I would be honored that they felt safe enough to reveal their vulnerability
(37:16):
to me.
Because that's scary.
I would be humbled that they would share such a difficult and hard thing.
You're breaking the mold.
Yeah.
Right.
And anything, even if it's just like you don't want to go to church anymore or you don't
(37:40):
want to eat sugar anymore or you, I don't know, something even that small can be so
hard to do.
So adding to what our societies have termed a hard thing, it's very difficult.
(38:05):
And I would see them, see them for who they are.
That's what it's about.
I have never understood a parent rejecting their child because they don't fit into the
box or the mold.
I have never understood it because to me, that is my child.
(38:29):
That person that I have watched grown and I know them, like I don't fathom.
It's hard for my brain to compute that, to be like, well, we're done.
Yeah.
I don't get it.
I don't get it.
No, I don't either.
Yeah.
(38:51):
And you can jump in at any point here.
But I think I personally think knowing somebody fully for who they are is a beautiful thing.
When my grandma passed, I was sad, not just for the reason of her no longer being physically
(39:11):
here with.
But because after I left my religion of my youth, I felt I couldn't share my full self
with her anymore.
Okay.
She was still the person.
Well, like she was still the person that saw me the most, right?
(39:33):
She was the person that knew me as the core.
But like forming into a person who believes in multiple gods, who believes nature is more
important than going to establishment, even though she's the one that taught me that nature
(39:55):
is sacred by her words and actions.
But the religion of my youth is so much a lifestyle, not just a thing that you do.
Right?
Yeah.
What do you know?
Because you grew up in the same thing, but it was no longer we're on the same page, you
(40:22):
know, even though, yes, I know how it is to go to these certain places and do these certain
things and what I experienced from them.
Yes.
But it wasn't the same anymore, because I couldn't have a conversation of those spiritual
things that I felt in nature beyond.
(40:46):
I went outside and it was beautiful and calming and meditative, you know, in a meditative
way, excuse me.
Does that make sense?
Yeah, it does.
And omitting certain things because of maybe knowing the judgment that would come with
(41:07):
it or not wanting to have that conversation.
You know what I mean?
Yeah.
And I think for me, that's one of my biggest fears is because we're adults, we've lived
this life for so many years and we know what it's like to be out here in this big, scary
(41:31):
world and we know the judgment that our children are going to face and that we face even still.
And if anybody dares to be different outside that perfect little box that society wants
(41:56):
everybody to be in and you think it would be different to the Industrial Revolution,
you think it would be different after all these years, but it's not, unfortunately.
And it's hard to be brave.
Yeah, there's a lot of bullying still and there's a lot of hate and as a parent, it
(42:21):
is difficult to watch a child go through that.
Yeah.
I have found for myself that I struggle not to accept my child for what they're trying
(42:44):
to become or what identity they're trying to find.
But it's the urge to protect them from that hate.
Oh, absolutely.
It's the urge to say, no, don't do that because I know what you're in for.
(43:07):
I know the world that you're in.
Yeah, I know the hard, hard journey you're in for.
Right.
But then you have to think about is what you're doing helping or hindering.
Is it making it better or worse?
(43:29):
And I've lived a life and I know you have to where I lived my life the way that other
people wanted me to.
And I have since.
Yeah, and it's hard and it's very you wake up one day and you're like, what am I doing?
Right?
Well, not usually one day, but you're like, what am I doing?
(43:52):
And then you're like, oh, well, this is how I want to be.
And this is what works for me and what makes me feel good.
And then everybody that you've been living for, they start to reject you or allow you
in certain quantities.
As long as you say the right thing, that kind of thing.
(44:13):
I get it.
But I think.
Sorry, but I think I think that's what when my experience with my grandma.
Reaffirmed to me the importance of seeing and allowing people to truly be themselves.
(44:37):
Like I was already a decade into my journey of creating my own path.
And she passed away, but.
It was just that reminder, hindsight reminder of.
That's why it's important to allow our children to be and not even allow.
That's why it's important that we give them the respect.
(45:01):
To be what they need to be.
River shade, a color of object that they decide to want to be.
And when we say identity, it doesn't just mean like gender, it can mean your personality
(45:27):
and your character and everything.
Because I think a lot of people.
Just the hard ones.
No, no, no.
Because I think a lot of people when they hear, you know.
You know, their child's identity or your identity.
What first?
What first?
Yeah, they go to sexual orientation.
(45:48):
Those are very important.
And that's somewhat of what we're highlighting.
But also who you are as a person.
Yeah.
That you have your own thoughts.
You don't.
You're not just.
Well, OK, we're in the US, so we're not just Republican.
We're not just a Democrat.
We're not just, you know, I'm not wanting to go to politics.
You know, we're not just a group of whatever.
(46:09):
We have our own ideals.
We have our own thoughts.
And it's OK to not fit just here and just here.
But to be everywhere, to be a layer, to be like an onion or a bloom where it has many
different levels and colors and intricacies.
(46:32):
To be you, to be creatively you, whatever that looks like.
And and yeah, this is just something that's been on my mind for so long now, because,
yeah, I have a newly team, a new team because he's just barely 13 now, but he's been on
(46:57):
this journey for a while now to figure out their identity.
And it's hard.
And I feel like and I don't know.
I feel like youth these days.
Have so many more obstacles and challenges than we did when we were their age.
(47:17):
And I don't know if it's more or if it's just that I different because there's like social
media aspect.
I think it's just more time that way.
I think it's just more talked about.
Because you know, I have I have friends who.
Because we talked about sexual orientation.
(47:41):
I've had friends who come out to me who they have been dealing with.
Their feelings for.
Decades now.
Right.
I had one friend who was married with.
A woman and.
(48:03):
Had to deal with the fallout of.
Becoming him.
You know, and the process and the heart on both sides and and everything just to fit
a cookie cutter mold.
Right.
I just I think now.
(48:27):
Especially with our generation becoming.
I would say wiser.
I'm not sure about that yet, but.
We're.
I don't want to say more accepting because we have more.
We do have people that are fearful that are stuck in the your difference.
(48:52):
So therefore, you shouldn't be and we have to fix you.
There are that's still there, but I think.
We're more open to having the conversation.
And to hear both sides.
I didn't think about it that way.
That's true.
You know, we're.
(49:14):
We're more open to.
I think it was our generation where we started to say, hey, bullying is not OK.
He said bowling.
I'm like bowling.
Bully.
OK.
Bowling.
I have my listening ears on.
OK.
Do not grab that ball and roll it down and hit those pins.
Sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
(49:34):
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
Sorry, Des.
No, it's fine.
Yeah.
But you know what?
I mean, I just I don't know.
That's just my opinion.
I could be wrong.
But.
(49:55):
For me, I think it's just we're more open to saying, I don't agree with that.
And this is why I don't agree with that.
And.
Some people are still painful and you can't.
Can't change that.
Unfortunately.
just show a better way.
(50:15):
I. Kind of attributed.
The boom of social media in this day and age to, you know,
the challenge, increase of challenges that our youth face, because I know
I didn't have social media when I was.
That age.
The well.
(50:37):
They did my.
My space was barely coming out.
When I.
Like I said, it was just brand new.
But.
There's so much online bullying, but we also have more access
to all of this information.
(50:58):
So I feel like social media is a.
There's good and bad to it, yes, you can learn a lot from it.
It can also.
A lot of bullying out there on it.
And I think that's one of the reasons, another reason that it just terrifies me.
(51:20):
For our youth day.
Well, and I think that's what reminds us as parents who.
Tying into loving our children and embracing their identities
and who they want to be and and whatnot.
It's our opportunity to use it as an educational tool.
(51:44):
And to keep it factual.
You know, there.
You may not agree.
You know, the saying, I agree to disagree with you.
You may not agree that is something you can't.
And say, you know.
(52:04):
Okay, I wasn't going to bring this up, but I'm going to.
Well, the blanket came off.
Oh, we're getting into it.
Yeah, I got to use my arms, my hands.
I got to.
So with a production that we did at the theater,
there was a person of our community that we.
(52:26):
Casted because we believe.
A community is all shapes and sizes and colors and.
Relief systems and.
Orientation, it doesn't matter.
You as a person.
If you show up and you are in you are that person's role, right?
(52:47):
Then you get to be that person is is how we feel.
Okay, well.
We had an audience member decide that it was not a
okay, I don't know.
And and wrote a letter of fear and hatred.
(53:11):
And.
Decisively consciously used the words.
That boy.
Oh, no, is six.
Is evil.
Is pretty much saying of the devil and.
(53:34):
How dare you make me talk to my young children about.
Why this person?
With a girl name is playing a boy.
And to me it was out.
(53:57):
Rages.
Outrageous whether you agree or disagree with it to say such
hateful things.
It's not okay in my opinion.
We need to embrace our our community.
We are only as good as the worst of us.
(54:18):
We're only as rich as the poorest among us.
That's my thought philosophy.
So my thought was well, then where does this person go to be
them?
Yeah.
You know, and who are you to say what is okay and not okay for
(54:38):
this person to be if no law is being broken.
Never mind the fact that in theory, it's not okay.
Never mind the fact that in theater you can play cross-general
roles all the time.
Absolutely.
That's that's one thing that spot brought up.
He was like, well, you say to your child.
(55:01):
Well, this is make-believe.
They didn't have to come to the show.
Dress up.
You leave it at that.
We had it posted on which days who was playing what we had.
It could have gone to a different day.
Never mind the fact that you could have just said well, like
(55:21):
we said before people play dress up.
It's not a thing.
It's fine.
But the fear that's what I remember that fear you could read
it and the seething that came from the fear.
That's why I say we have to we have to love not fear something
(55:45):
that's different something that's unknown what we see in
in cartoons over and over and other things of you know, they
had this thing that was fearful because nobody knew what it
was and all of this bad happened and then finally they embraced
this different thing and that's when good started to happen.
(56:07):
What's the cartoon where she's fire and the person she falls
in love with?
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, dang it.
I'll never watch this like a couple weeks ago.
Oh, yes, it's like absolutely adorable.
And I love it.
It's it's yeah, it's that message though.
(56:28):
Like they went through all of this because they're not supposed
to be together and and everybody's different and da da da da
and you had one perspective of no, no, no, and you had the
other over the movie is like elemental.
We don't know how this is going to work, but let's just embrace
you and see what happens.
You know, yeah, it's the same.
Yeah.
(56:48):
Yeah.
Yeah.
I was like, oh, I got to remember it.
Yeah.
Element.
Yeah.
Ah, element.
Yeah, that's that's it.
It's a good one, but it's the same idea.
Sorry, it just.
Oh, I'm enraged.
Yeah.
Oh, that's it made my my heart boil over in terms of not rage,
(57:15):
but just my my protective mama bear came out.
You know, not like I didn't want to yell at the person in terms
of like to be hateful, but to just wake them up.
Like, how can you say that?
It's like all those years.
My other thought, if you have to write a letter and they're
(57:38):
hiding behind the keyboard and talk to somebody, then you
know better.
You know, if you have to write an email, yeah, if you have
to, you know, better troll behind things and write all this
hateful stuff that you would never say in public, you know,
(58:03):
it's wrong to say it that way.
You can say I disagree with that.
I don't know, even if they would have just said, I guess
it was just the word choice.
You know, it was you could have just said I disagree with
that.
And, you know, what can I do in the future to make sure this
doesn't happen for us, you know, or whatever, then we could
(58:27):
have been like, well, we do post on our social media and
we will have our box office knows the days of but to exclude
a person and then to point them out and purposefully go
against what they aren't being when they're being their
(58:49):
true selves is so not just disrespectful, but it's unhumane.
This is the kind of this is a perfect example of what I am
fearful for.
Well, yeah, and the cashier that I brought up with her body
(59:11):
piercings and her tattoos.
It's the same idea.
Yeah.
So several years ago, my child was born male started using
the phrases, you know, testing the waters is what I'll say,
(59:33):
you know, testing the waters of what would you say if I
said I was, you know, and then he would insert a phrase.
What would you do if I said Mike, is this hypothetical or
is this, you know, just just what would you do?
You know, he was testing you out to see if you were safe.
Yeah.
Yeah.
(59:54):
And then this was years ago and then more recently he would
say I have to tell you something and he would always do
it.
When I'm half asleep.
We're not all there, you know, so I think it was so that if
if it comes up again and be like I didn't say that you were
(01:00:18):
asleep, you drunk that, you know, but it but it was it started
out with I'm asexual and then it moved to I'm pansexual all
these different things that I'm like, what I have to Google.
What is this?
You know, I understand that.
And then non-binary and then I'm gay and then most and then
(01:00:45):
every single time I come back and be like, so you said this.
Let's talk about this.
Yeah, so, you know, and I always followed up because I once
I'm asleep, I'm asleep and I don't come things don't compute.
But I will always follow up the next day and I let's talk
(01:01:07):
about this.
He always knows that it's a safe space.
He can always talk about it.
And the statements have started to.
Combine with little actions like throwing out his hair her
their hair.
I know you don't like they can't use a, but you know, I can't
(01:01:30):
they do it every day.
That's throwing out their hair.
You know, their hair is almost as long as mine now.
It drives me a little crazy because I have to like your hair
if we're going to have long hair.
That's that's my deal.
If you're going to do that, then you have to take care of.
(01:01:52):
It took me back the first time.
They came out and had used my eyelash curler and put mascara
on and lip gloss the lip gloss you had given me.
I heard they use because I don't use makeup and I was like,
yeah.
Oh, oh, okay.
All right.
I'm never going out in public like that, but around the house
(01:02:17):
and I'm like, okay, okay, cool.
We're doing this, you know, all right.
How's that make you feel?
And the most recent statement that has stuck.
Is that I'm transsexual.
Okay.
And for a long, long time, and I think they're testing out,
(01:02:40):
you know, name changes.
Which is a mother breaks my heart a little bit.
Great.
Because you know, that's not who birth but you know, okay.
Get over it because you gave her name to him.
Yeah.
Yeah, I get it.
And I don't ever call them by that other name because they've
(01:03:01):
never asked me to but like online or among certain friends
they'll go by the other name.
But for a long time, I think part of me in my head.
It was like, is this a phase?
(01:03:24):
Are you going with trends because you know, some people
I noticed that some of their friends were they were all all
their friends were all non-binary or they're all pansexual.
I'm like, oh, so you just go with the flow.
You know, and I do know I was reading some I've read books
(01:03:48):
and I've read articles and I some parents would say their
six-year-old son said that they were a girl until they embrace
that, you know, that I'm like, but in the back of my mind,
I'm like, are you a little young to be making these decisions?
(01:04:08):
I think so.
And so for me, whatever they want to wear.
I have friends that, you know, have gone through this and then
change their mind.
No, like just kidding.
No.
Okay, testing it out.
And so I just kind of go with all right, but in the back of my
(01:04:29):
mind, I'm like.
Okay.
But of course, I'll be supportive and I did bring up the.
Okay, so let's get you into counseling, you know, for because
they do have transgender specific counselors that can help
you with the transition.
I said, okay, do you need a counselor that's specific for
(01:04:51):
that help with transitioning?
And I brought up, you know, the, you know, what my child has
a severe fear of needles.
And I said, well, how are you going to handle surgery?
If you don't like needles, what kind of what surgery will
transgender, you know, if you're transgender, then you have
surgery.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, I'm not that kind of transgender.
(01:05:14):
So I think, you know, you know, children are they're figuring
out.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I'm always judging the people.
Yeah, that's exactly.
I'm not judging the people that do embrace my six-year-old
that do go out when their danger comes up.
(01:05:36):
And as I want to change my sex, I'm not judging them when
they jump on it and say, okay, I personally know would say,
let's test this out for a little bit and make sure it's
something absolutely have researched and have gone through
the whole thing.
(01:05:56):
Because once it's changed, you can't change it back.
Yeah, it's a little hard to go back.
Yeah.
So you have to fully make sure a hundred there has to be
no shadow of a doubt.
And I when I was typing up my notes for this and I asked
them, is it okay if I bring up your experiences for this and
(01:06:23):
talk about you in the podcast?
I said, oh, yeah, that's fine.
And I said, well, let me ask you a question.
You know, if you're identifying as a she now, how come you're
still this is just for my education.
How come you're still just your everyday go-to outfit is
cargo pants or sweatpants and sweatshirt, you know, not at
(01:06:46):
all that, you know.
Really?
Yes.
Yeah.
And they said, well, first I said, well, yeah.
You haven't taken me shopping.
And I'm like, well, I didn't know I needed to take shopping.
First of all, and second of all, last time I did take me
(01:07:07):
shopping.
It was just get me some pants.
So, excuse me.
And then they said, well, girls can wear sweatpants too.
I'm like, well, that is true.
Sorry.
So, and I remember long, long, long time ago, like four,
(01:07:34):
maybe five, I was talking to my friends and they were my
neighbors and friends at the same time.
And I said, you know, just some little things that he does
and acts.
I wouldn't be surprised if he came out as gay.
Just, you know, just little behaviors.
(01:07:54):
And they're like, yeah, I can do that.
And who knows?
Who knows what it'll be like in a year, six months, year,
two years.
I'll still love my child, but it's hard.
Is it?
I do have a question.
Is he, is he or is I don't know.
(01:08:16):
Maybe not.
Say whatever you like.
For trans, for the transgender, are they more, I'm trying
to say this, right?
Are they more gender fluid?
Or is he more gender fluid or is he more transgender?
(01:08:40):
Because it sounds to me that he's more gender fluid.
See, when I went, they've said transsexual or transgender,
excuse me, man, transgender, transsexual, you know, but
when I was doing research, I said, you know, it sounds like
gender fluid to me.
What's that?
So I researched and found fluid is a form of gender identity
(01:09:06):
or expression.
That's rather than a sexual orientation and fluid relates
to how a person identifies himself internally and presents
themselves to the world.
They may identify as a male one day, female the next, both
male and female or neither.
I was like, well, I agree with you.
(01:09:27):
I really was like, this sounds like you.
That seems more of what is going on.
And they're like, oh, maybe they didn't like 100% jump on board,
but well, that's because I think you have to process that,
you know, you always have to process what you're saying.
(01:09:49):
Right.
Yeah.
Take that with a grain of salt to me.
Yes, I thought I in my mind, I kind of it's almost like I'm
I'll be accepting of whatever.
So I don't want to use the word accepting, but in my brain,
it feels like this is a more fitting box, if you will.
(01:10:13):
That's right.
Where I'm looking for.
Sure.
It just seems to be more of what he's going through.
Yes.
Yeah.
Because with everything that you have told me, you know,
it seems to fit more of what because to under that's all
the boxes are for is to understand a little bit better
(01:10:36):
what each other is going through, right?
To communicate.
It might not be exactly right.
Right.
But it's so that you can give the other person an idea of
where.
Yeah.
This time period of their lives.
(01:10:57):
It's such a fragile time and they're trying to figure out
their identity.
They're trying to figure out where how they fit in and.
I don't personally, I don't feel like this is the time that
they are. To make such drastic changes.
(01:11:18):
Permanently. Personally, yeah.
You know a lot on your plate.
You got a lot to figure out.
Yes, we can pass the waters.
Yes, we can.
If this is what you want to and I may get a lot of hate for
this.
I'm not but that's fine.
This is my personal opinion and how I'm dealing with it.
(01:11:39):
Yes, let's go with this for a while.
And I don't make a big deal of it.
If you want to be like this for a while.
Sure.
Yeah.
And then if we're going to change later on, okay, we'll change.
We'll go home going with the flow, I guess.
Well, I think it's something that they should make that decision.
(01:12:00):
If we're going to ever talk about transgender, right?
And making the sex change.
It's something that they should make when they're adults.
Just the same.
This is my opinion, right?
My opinion.
It is something that they should make as an adult.
That doesn't mean that they can't dress up like like girls.
(01:12:22):
That doesn't mean that they can't wear their hair.
We're saying the opposite of male because that's where you are right now.
But it can be the other way around.
Doesn't mean a girl couldn't dress up like a boy and have the haircut like a boy
while they're trying to figure that out.
(01:12:43):
You know what I mean?
Mm-hmm.
But I think as an apparent, we need to love them no matter what.
Bottom line, that's our job.
Our job is to love them and to give them a safe space to explore their world.
(01:13:03):
Whether it's about sex, whether it's about, I know I said that I said that S word.
Whether it's about what hairstyle they want.
Whether it's about, I mean this came up the other day.
We went out to eat with my parents, my stepmom and a few other people.
(01:13:29):
And my stepmom brought up, oh you need to have a haircut till Lorenzo.
Yeah.
You know, and my thing with him, I was like, I don't care.
If you want a haircut, I'll ask, right?
Do you want a haircut?
No.
My only rule is let me see your eyes when you're talking to me.
So brush it out of your face.
I don't care.
(01:13:49):
You know, come on, Kaden had hair down to like his shoulders.
All curly, cute.
Yeah.
Kind of thing.
And then he decided to cut them off.
Whatever.
But we have to give them the space to learn who they are.
And the world is hard enough to have to go home and not have a safe place.
(01:14:17):
Hurts my heart.
You know, we need to, okay.
I might not agree with you.
I might think, hey, and I might even say it.
Hey, I do think you need a haircut, but I will meet you halfway and I will see, you
know, as long as I can see your eyeballs when you talk to me, do what you want.
(01:14:40):
You know, as long as you're taking care of your body and being healthy, mentally, physically,
do what you want.
Don't break any rules.
Like, law-wise, please.
I'm going to throw that disclaimer in.
Don't hurt anyone.
Please.
To be what you want.
You know, but that's, I think sometimes as parents, we get possessive.
(01:15:06):
This is my child.
My child.
And it's not, this is a human that was entrusted to me.
And I have the responsibility.
This is my opinion.
I have the responsibility to teach them how to be safe and navigate life and figure out
(01:15:28):
who they truly are.
And if I don't do those three things, then I fail as a parent.
Because I'm not truly loving them.
I'm allowing, I'm allowing my default onto them.
That's a chain that I'm trying to break, which you know that.
(01:15:50):
Yeah.
From living my life for other people.
I don't want them to live a life that I want them to live.
I want them to live a life that they need and want to.
And have the tools to navigate it.
I just, yeah, and I appreciate your thoughts on that.
(01:16:16):
And I think to sum up accepting your children for who they are, a writer, activist, and
psychiatrist, Andrew Solomon, wrote a book, Far From the Tree.
And there's a quote in it I wanted to share to sum up everything.
(01:16:37):
He said, acceptance in parenting can be conceptualized as being able to see and acknowledge the uniqueness
in your child without pressing for this change.
It is finding the light in your child and seeing it there.
This doesn't mean that we don't strive to shape our children's behavior, educational
(01:16:58):
outcomes, sporting abilities, et cetera, but rather we accept, validate, and validate with
warmth their unique personality.
We love them for being them.
Yeah.
And love a bigger sum, a bigger sum.
We love and not fear.
(01:17:22):
We show love and not show fear.
In my opinion.
That's a beautiful quote though.
And that sums up very nicely what we're saying.
We should have just started with that.
We would have been done by now.
(01:17:46):
It's a throwdown.
It's a challenge.
We've got something for you.
But with that said, I wanted to extend a challenge for growth for everyone.
Me included, AJ included, to the hard topics of the world.
(01:18:09):
I challenge us to know our stance.
To spend time.
This is what I've been doing for the last decade.
Right?
Deconstructing what my defaults were because of living a life that somebody else wanted
(01:18:30):
me to live.
Spend the time with you and contemplate whether it is a programmed default or what you truly
believe.
Your different stances, right?
Is this because, I mean, the first time I had a sip of coffee, I thought I was going
to hell.
I enjoyed it, but I thought I was going to hell.
(01:18:54):
And I immediately took a sip, drank a little bit, and threw it away because I was going
to go to hell.
And I had to work through that, clearly.
I'm fine now.
I have worked through that program.
You know what I mean?
But spend time with you and contemplate whether you believe certain things because that is
(01:19:19):
what you have been programmed or that is what you have learned from your environment or
if that is something that you truly believe.
You know, all of these things.
I have had a point in my life where I had to stop and say, is that truly what, do you
truly have a problem with people who love each other and are of the same sex?
(01:19:44):
No, I do not.
Well, then don't act like it.
Are you truly a person who thinks that a tattoo is going to defile a person and send them
to hell?
No, I don't.
Then don't act that way.
You know, I do have a problem when people's booties hang out, but that's because I don't
(01:20:07):
want to see it.
I don't want to see that.
It's not appealing to me.
I just I feel like there should be some, some, some, some, some, some, there should be some
respect for your body, right?
For you.
You don't have to show everybody everything.
(01:20:31):
Even if I had a rock star body, I'd be like, no, I'm not showing these things, you know,
but that's my opinion.
And I'm not going to go up to the person who has booty shorts on and be like, you shouldn't
wear them.
So disgusting.
Because come on.
That's, that's all I'm going to say on that is come on.
(01:20:52):
No comment.
Like, I don't have to be that way.
But the second part to that is walk the earth with compassion and love.
Right?
Show grace to those around you, whether they are wearing booty shorts and you don't agree
with it just because I brought that up or not.
(01:21:14):
It's it's not your place.
Who cares?
Okay.
That's what they feel good in.
Good.
Good for them.
Right?
I'm not talking about public decency.
If you want to be nude, go to a nude place.
Okay.
Anyways, but show grace to those around you.
And if you need some aid, remember that we can always agree to disagree and respect those
(01:21:38):
disagreements.
Move past them and forward.
I firmly believe that everybody has a room, has a space at the table.
We are all and any any religious or political or whatever, we are all human beings and we
(01:22:05):
all deserve to be respected.
We all deserve to have a voice.
We all deserve to express ourselves the way that we feel comfortable.
And for those that don't agree with whatever is happening, love them.
(01:22:26):
Love them anyway.
Give them space because you're missing out on incredible people just because their book
cover doesn't look the way that you want it.
I have often picked up a book that I'm like, I don't know with this cover.
Maybe not.
This is my favorite book now.
(01:22:49):
Imagine that.
So spend some time, learn what hard topics, where you feel about them, and then show everybody
that may not agree with you some love and respect.
So with that, we love you all and we're so grateful for you and we just want this world
(01:23:13):
to be a happy place.
So we hope we are, even with the hard topics, hope we are uplifting and inspiring and enriching
everyone.
And thank you for listening.
Until next time.
Ciao!
Thanks for hanging with AJ and A-Rae.
(01:23:36):
We hope we've brought a little fun, sass, and joy into your lives.
For more information about our episodes, us, and what we may be up to, please visit our
website at wanderingmusings.my.canva.site.
That's wanderingmusings.my.canva.site.
(01:24:01):
If you enjoyed this episode, please like and subscribe to us wherever you listen to your
podcasts.
Cheers to womanhood!
Cheers to womanhood!
Cheers to womanhood!
Ciao!
(01:24:39):
Ciao!
Welcome to the wandering musings of AJ and A-Rey!
(00:04):
To Mamas After Dark!
Sit back, relax, and enjoy!
Welcome everyone!
(00:27):
Welcome, welcome, welcome!
To another episode!
We were big kids this morning!
We were big kids.
Yeah, we troubleshoot- we troubleshooted for ourselves.
Woohoo! All by ourselves with no one's help.
How are you on this beautiful spring day all bundled up in your blankey?
(00:49):
Uh, I dressed for upstairs and outside.
And I'm downstairs in my basement, so it's pretty cold!
And then I have my fan going and my window open with this beautiful sunny breeze on me.
I mean, I have my fans going on upstairs and my windows open.
(01:11):
It's just your basement of-
My cellar. My cellar dwelling.
Which you will appreciate come summertime.
Oh, absolutely.
When it's miserably hot, but right now-
It was 77 yesterday.
And when I came downstairs, I was like, oh, this is delightful.
(01:36):
Not right now!
It'll be fine. You'll survive.
I think so. I think so.
So how's your week been?
It's time to spill the tea.
What are you thinking? What are you drinking?
It's not too bad.
Well, before I get to that, so we don't mess up like we did last time.
(01:58):
What are you drinking?
Oh, yeah, we got to spill our tea.
Yeah.
Shoot, man.
Well, I just finished it.
But I had a green smoothie.
Nice.
For my breakfast.
Mm-hmm.
I had lemon ginger tea that I just finished.
(02:21):
And now I'm sipping on the water.
And I do have a protein shake thingamabobber that I'm trying to choke down,
but it doesn't- it's not appealing today.
So I'll stick to my water.
You're not 100% today.
No, no.
The stomach bug has been making its way through our house.
(02:42):
So it caught up to me.
Just in our germs.
Yes.
So that's my week.
Both our germs.
That all ties into my week.
Yes.
The stomach bug has made its way through my house.
It started on my birthday, which was this last week.
And it started with this one.
At birth, it's you.
(03:04):
Thank you.
So yeah, that was a delightful entry into my birthday.
With my child.
Growing up in the middle of the night, all over, all over.
So do we say now that this could be triggering?
(03:25):
Sure. Sure. Yes.
So that was my week.
Other than that, I mean, it's been fine.
Great.
How's yours?
I'm fine.
I'm very busy.
I've barely heard from you.
(03:46):
I know.
What are you doing?
So what are you doing?
So when.
She messages me and I don't talk to her all day long.
Cause I'm busy at work.
I'm like,
Are you live?
Hello.
How are you holding up?
But that's usually what I ask.
And then a couple hours later, I'm okay.
(04:09):
So I'm like, I'm fine.
Yeah.
This is a busy day.
Yup.
Yup.
Yeah, no.
Good.
We're coming down to the home stretch.
The show opens on Friday.
So I better be done with the costume.
(04:32):
It was, it was.
I was asked to help because the other person.
I was asked to help because the other person was sick.
So I was like, okay.
And then.
The person that was the assistant to the person that couldn't ask for help
sooner.
She learns that from.
Her last experience.
And then she got sick.
(04:54):
And then she also is in college.
So she's been doing like her final projects.
Ooh.
For her.
Timing was just awesome.
And then she's been doing like her final projects.
So she's helped when she can.
Which is great.
Let me say that better grammatically.
She has helped when she.
(05:15):
Who would have.
But when she's not available.
She can't. So that's fine. I get it.
So.
I have been at the theater almost every day the past two weeks.
And I've been doing all the stunts.
And I've been doing everything.
(05:36):
But then I've been also looking at my yard.
Like I need to get this done.
And that's okay.
Just finding a balance. Right.
I'm like, but if I get all this done.
Then I can catch up on everything else.
Including.
This way.
(05:59):
I'm like, oh, I'm going to be like, oh, I'm going to be like,
Oh, I'm going to be like, oh, I'm going to be like, oh, I'm going to be like.
Let's not talk about that.
My eyes.
Like.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I can at least go to the bathroom when I need to.
When I need to.
(06:22):
Get up when I need to, when I'm like, I cannot sit here any longer.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Although.
Couple of weeks.
It'll all be over.
And then I get to put it all away.
It's fine.
Thanks.
No, it's, it's good though, because.
(06:44):
I haven't done.
I haven't.
Costumed a show in a little while.
I've helped.
Very different.
I've helped.
Like, do you want this?
Do you want this?
Like I can pull a thing.
Do you want this?
The other way you have to think about how it looks on stage and
(07:06):
everything comes together.
And just the other day I was sitting in.
Finally got to sit in the audience seats for a little bit to see how
things were coming together.
And I was like, Oh yeah, I do know what I'm.
I'm not just running around.
I'm not just sitting around.
I'm not just sitting around.
I'm not just sitting around.
I'm not just sitting around.
I'm not just sitting around.
(07:27):
I'm not just sitting around.
Although it feels like that.
Cause you have to try to pull people in between.
Then going on stage for the rehearsal.
And sometimes you're just like, you know what?
They're going to have to deal with you not being there.
You want to have clothes.
On.
They're going to have to wait for you.
And then they're going to have to do the rehearsal.
(07:52):
So yeah, no, it's coming together today.
I'm going to be dying.
Not dying like.
But.
The fabric, a different color for the bandanas and sashes.
Cause I have people.
To dress.
Fine.
So it's, it's like the accessory things that are happening in like the
(08:14):
minor.
I'm not sure.
I'm not sure.
I'm not sure.
I'm not sure.
I'm not sure.
I'm not sure.
I'm not sure.
Some of the dresses weren't long enough.
So I had to get creative on how.
To make them longer.
That has the same look.
Coming down to the.
The end here.
I'm coming down to the wire.
Yeah.
And it's good.
Yeah.
(08:35):
At least I'm not coming down to the wire and being like,
Oh my gosh, I don't have any.
It's more of.
That's like a.
That can hold the scroll.
Okay.
Well, I'm not going to sew that into the costume.
Cause that would take forever.
To do two of them.
(09:03):
Cause I already have a pile, right. Of things that I'm sewing.
So then I'm like, well,
I can make a pocket like.
Like the old school 15, 1600.
kind of thing that you can hold the whole bunch.
So I'm going to do the same thing.
Modify it.
Just make it more like a messenger bag.
Pocket thing.
(09:23):
I like it.
That's that's the real terminology right there.
Pocket thingy.
Pocket thingy.
I love it.
Highly.
Amazing.
Highly.
Correct.
Wordage there.
Yes.
That's the word.
That's that's the Lux terminology right there.
If you're posh enough.
(09:46):
There's stuff like that in here.
No, actually you say that.
What was it?
I think it was Friday.
It was either Thursday or Friday.
I want to say it was Friday.
I was so tired.
I dropped Kaden off.
He had a filter.
Well, they call it filled word.
(10:07):
But filled trip.
And I came home.
He asked me to put his switch on the charger.
I came home, put it on my charger because I was like, I am going straight to bed.
Went to bed.
I fell asleep and slept for like two and a half hours in the same position.
I didn't.
Wow.
(10:28):
Which is a lot for me because I heard if I stay stationary, so I move.
Yeah, I was like, I know I'm tired.
I was tired.
But it's worth it.
It's worth watching people have a new world to play.
And it reminded me that I really do enjoy sewing.
(10:49):
So I was like, you know, when I'm done with this, I think I might start.
Sewing my own clothes.
Well, okay, cool time.
When are you going to have time to do that?
Well, I make time.
(11:10):
You take on a lot of projects.
I don't know about myself, though.
Okay.
Well, that'd be cool though.
What kind of clothes are we talking about?
I found a 1940s dress that style that I want to try to do.
(11:35):
Okay.
And then I want to try a couple of jumpsuits and overalls from like the 40s and 50s.
I think would be the, you know, cool.
So I'm starting there.
Okay.
And of course, it's stuff that I can wear.
So it will fit better.
(12:00):
That's true.
It's custom made for you.
You know, all right.
We'll see what happens.
If I do it right, maybe I can make it a dress.
If I do it right, maybe I can make it adjustable so that if I grow or get smaller, right now, I'm getting smaller.
(12:26):
That would, you know.
And everything would have pockets.
Oh, you know it.
Pockets on top of pockets.
Yeah, and not dinky pockets because I'll tell you how frustrating it is when you put on a dress that has pockets and you have like an inch to two inches of a pocket.
(12:59):
And you're like, what am I supposed to put in this thing?
Yeah.
My chapstick?
That's about it.
And it still falls out.
And who I'm getting to the point where I love my leather purse and that's like the only purse that I use.
I have days that I don't to use my purse.
(13:19):
And it would just be nice to be able to just put what I need in my pocket.
Yep.
Without it falling out.
I'm not bitter.
No, pockets are a requirement.
Good pockets are a requirement now.
Yeah, I'm going to apologize up front.
(13:40):
People have been burning their limbs, etc.
around me.
So if I am coughing.
They're tree limbs, not body limbs, right?
Valid.
Valid.
Yes.
Tree limbs and other yard debris.
Some of which I totally don't want to watch crime shows.
(14:04):
Totally don't.
No, I'm glad you said something.
Somebody might have thought of that.
Just the way that you said it.
Girl, where are you living?
That was just funny.
Let's listen to some musings.
Quotes, poems, short stories, inspirational, uplifting news, and of course, kippy dippy astrology.
(14:30):
Anyways, on to our musings.
I have a quote for you.
And it's a quote that probably everyone has heard.
If not everyone, you should probably watch the movie to understand it.
If you don't know.
And that is life is like a box of chocolates.
You never know what you're going to get.
(14:51):
Yes.
It's so true though.
It is.
And some of some things are simply delightful.
Because some chocolate is simply delightful and some you're like, it's got my mouth.
Why is this even in here?
Why did you put this in here?
(15:13):
But then you realize that other people like it, you know, and so it's a perspective thing.
You know, try not to judge people.
So much, so much like a box of chocolates.
I do like that quote.
Yes, I second that.
For our hippie dippy banter.
(15:34):
I wanted to talk about nature walks.
I love nature walks.
If you haven't noticed, I am slightly on brain fog, sleep deprivation, and smoke inhalation.
(15:55):
And I'm a little quirky right now.
You're always quirky.
That's fair.
But a little bit more because my brain's like, I don't know what's going on.
So nature walks.
As I have said before, nature is super.
(16:18):
I don't know if you could say it in the sentence this way, but nature is super sacred to me.
Okay, good.
It's it always has been, it always will be.
(16:38):
And it's manifested even when I'm just outside working.
Like, I feel more accomplished.
I feel like I'm a steward of the land that I get to work with.
I feel like it's a privilege.
And it is because not everybody gets to.
But I think we can if we if we wanted to, you know, like the spaces where there's a
(17:04):
gentleman in our community who walks almost every morning, if not every morning, and picks
up all the litter, like the wind blows and stuff like that because he just wants he wants
to live in a clean place.
(17:25):
And we can do that.
You know, we can the eyesore that we drive by or walk by all the time and we're like,
oh, somebody needs to love this land.
Well, that somebody can be you.
You can start with a thing of seeds, throw it in there and see what happens.
Be a scientist for a minute.
(17:47):
But I feel for me, I feel called to love and heal her and the souls within her and around
and nature walks as a way for you to get to know not just your community and and the people
around you, but a way to get to know what is.
(18:11):
And the trees, the bushes, the birds, the insects, the gross ones and the not so gross
one like the mosquitoes.
Oh, yes.
I live by a bay, so they're around.
Yeah.
You open my door and they swarm at you.
(18:31):
Oh, it's so much fun.
I read this and more than one location that mosquitoes also pollinate.
What?
Yep.
I didn't know that they do it obviously different.
They can help pollinate.
(18:53):
I was like, well, I still hate you, but I understand a little bit more while you're
around.
I have moments that I'm better at it and I have moments that I am not going on nature
walks and thinking about nature.
(19:13):
But it's a way to listen to the world that's around you, not just man made.
But Earth made.
It's also fun during the springtime, which was what we're in, because then you start
seeing the blooms and the little sprouts that are pop up from the plant babies.
(19:36):
And then if you're like me and you get to live where there's agriculture and livestock,
you see all the baby cow and sheep and horses and goats.
And my kids think I'm not because I'm all like, oh, but it's so cute.
(19:58):
They're like, that's my mom.
No matter.
Of course, I'm the person that gets excited when I go up in the mountains and I'm like,
there's pine trees.
You can't tell I grew up where there's pine trees, can you?
Anyways, but it's also I appreciate all of the nature pictures that everybody sends me.
(20:26):
I love them.
They become my computer backgrounds.
Oh, good, because I send you a lot of them.
You and my parents, like my parents just sent me some this week and I was like, thank you
for my new computer background.
They were super pretty.
But it's not just a one sense thing that you know, like you don't just see it, but you
(20:53):
smell it.
You interact with it.
You touch it.
You feel it.
And I think that's what makes it so sacred because you're able to use all the senses
you have to experience it.
And it kind of pulls you away from the day to day.
(21:14):
It gives you an opportunity to meditate, to work through things that you normally get
distractions at or fall into a conversation with a person that you would never normally
talk to because I've had that with on hikes and things like that that I've gone on.
(21:38):
There was one time that I talked to a woman who I was in my early 30s at the time and
she was in her late 60s and the conversation that we had through the whole trail and sometimes
she was there and sometimes she wasn't because sometimes I would go faster.
Sometimes she would go a little faster kind of thing.
Right.
Stop and have lunch and you know, kind of thing.
(21:59):
But it's just really fun to experience things and people differently than you normally
would.
And I will put these things for you guys to delve deeper into it.
But there is also quite a bit of articles and research that shows going for a walk can
(22:26):
improve your overall health.
And that can be from whether you're in a forest, walking around your roadside, in a park, wherever
because it helps your mental well-being and your general because you're using your body.
(22:50):
One of the things that I read was a study that used the fMRI found lower activation
of the brain structure that signals fear and threat after 60 minutes walking in a natural
environment compared to an urban environment.
Meaning, yes, it leaves you feeling restored and having an improved attention, which we
(23:15):
found when we were working at clinic.
If we just would go out and take a break and walk around, we come back like, okay, I know
what to do now or I'm focused.
I'm here.
I'm not focusing.
There are others, but I'll let you all go down that rabbit hole for yourself.
(23:37):
I just wanted to, while we're gearing into spring and seeing all of these lovely things
that are drawing us out of our homes.
Yes.
Here's some benefits of it.
And I know for me, sometimes it's hard to get the motivation to get up and get out of
(23:58):
the house and go for a walk.
Once you're there, my gosh, it's so worth it.
Right?
It's like I said about swimming.
I don't want to get into the pool, but once I'm in it, I'm fine.
Same idea.
(24:19):
You might not want to go, but once you start walking, you'll feel so grateful that you
did.
So do you have anything to inspire us beyond nature walk?
Well, I mean, I don't know if it's inspiring, but I thought it was really cute.
So we had that eclipse this past week.
(24:43):
I don't remember what day it was.
And so I found this article.
It was Tuesday, wasn't it?
Was it on my birthday?
It was either Monday or Tuesday.
No, it was Monday.
It was Monday.
This week is a blur.
It's like you were, you know, trying to navigate a child or something.
(25:05):
Oh, goodness.
Anyways, this is article and it says, and so it's about a teacher back in 1978.
In New York.
And he was a science teacher and they were going there were.
(25:30):
Projecting the trajectories of the upcoming eclipses.
And they saw that the one in April, April 8th, so that would be Monday.
Those going to pass by their hometown in New York, and he said, hey, circle that one on
April 8th, 2024.
(25:51):
We're going to get together on that one.
And his students says his students chuckled at that thought, finding it challenging to
fathom such a distant future event, which I mean, yeah, if you're thinking, you know,
1978 to 2024, like that's a really long time.
I can't think.
And who knows where you will be.
(26:12):
Right.
But right.
And it says fast forward to two years ago.
So in 2022.
Yes, the teacher, his name is Patrick Moriarty.
So sorry if I mispronounce that I'm not best at pronouncing things.
(26:33):
He got on Facebook and he created an event and he sent it out to as many of his former
students as he could find.
And he invited them all to show up, find into his house and roughly 100 of his former students
showed up to his house in New York.
(26:54):
To watch the clips.
That is inspiring.
So cute.
He said emotions ran high as familiar faces from their junior high days reconnected when
they were walking up, I could see their little ninth grade faces still.
As the solar eclipse spectact spectacle unfolded surrounding the warmth of shared memories,
(27:22):
laughter and camaraderie.
Moriarty proposed another reunion in two decades for the next solar eclipse.
That's so cute.
That is very.
Happy tears.
I know.
I'm like, OK, the fact that there's several things going on here.
(27:46):
The fact that he connected with his class that well with his students that much for
them to want to.
I don't know if they were all still in New York or if they cared enough to go to New
York to be there with him.
Combination of both.
And for them to be connected with him on Facebook for him to have kept the names of all of his
(28:12):
students and remember them and for him to remember their faces like.
Yeah.
Oh, that's just it was so cute.
That's a good turnout.
100 people.
Yeah, I hope he had a bigger place for them.
Right.
It was so cute.
That's you.
(28:33):
I love it.
Well, and it.
It reminds you that, you know, like the days that you wake up and you're like, who even
cares who cares that we're trying to create a world.
(28:55):
That is kind and loving and uplifting.
Like who even cares?
Because it doesn't feel like it sometimes.
Right.
Like you.
Right.
I know I had moments where I was like, I'll just go to work today.
And who cares?
Like I don't even think anybody cares.
And then you would have like the one patient that was like, thank you so much.
And you could feel the love and gratitude.
(29:20):
And you're like, oh, that's.
Or that's why I wake up and I try to have a better world and create a better space.
Yeah, because it's hard.
And I'm sure he had his days where he was like, I do not want to go to work today because
I'm going to have a turn of a kid who probably turned out to be his favorite kid.
(29:44):
Probably at the end of his school year.
That's probably the one that hugged him the hardest and the longest at that little reunion.
That was like, thanks for not giving up on me.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yep.
I have many a school teacher friends and some of them work in a very hard, hard place to
(30:08):
work like they're stressed out all the time and they deal with guns and they deal with
knives like knives and they deal with people who may end up in jail someday or are ending
up in jail or their parents are in jail, you know, kind of thing.
(30:28):
And I say, you know, for your mental well-being, you should leave.
But I understand.
Yeah.
It's hard.
Somebody's got to love them though.
Yep.
(30:48):
You never know how it's going to touch them someday in their life.
With that, speaking of children, we do want to say that our topic today can be triggering.
Splish splash.
We're diving into the main topic.
(31:10):
We're trying to deliver it in a way that it is not, but it can be just because of the
topic that we're bringing.
And always we are not professionals.
This is our experience and yeah, we have a degree in life.
Yeah.
Not a degree on paper saying you are a doctorate in parenthood.
(31:36):
Yes.
No, life gave me that doctorate.
Yeah.
So, today's topic.
No, go ahead.
No, I was just going to say today's topic is parenting from the heart, embracing your
child's identity.
And what were you going to say?
I was going to say that because this topic is close to my heart and my experience, and
(32:05):
I do want to say that I do have my child's permission to share everything that I do share
and their blessing and.
Well, you have a different perspective than my perspective.
Yes.
Yeah.
And some of the things that I share actually have never been shared before.
(32:28):
So, this will be a very interesting topic.
Okay.
Well, a long time ago now, as my oldest is turning 16.
Are we old enough for this?
Apparently, yes.
I have a soon to be 16 year old in like less than a week.
(32:54):
Whether I'm ready or not.
Here we go.
A long time ago now, my boys' dad said, if they ever come to me and say they are gay
or anything than heterosexual, then I'm going to pay for them to sleep with a female and
charge and change them to be right.
(33:15):
And I put that in air quotes.
Right.
It hurt so much.
And this is when this is when Lorenzo was a baby.
A baby like a wee babe in arms.
It hurt my heart so much.
That I said, no, absolutely not.
(33:40):
And I say that now and I will say that forever.
No, that's a long time ago.
Isn't that gross?
I thought it was gross.
I was like, how much fear and hatred is coming out of you?
So a long time ago, I decided love, not fear, would be my route.
(34:00):
Whether it be my child, a family member, a friend, an acquaintance, or even a complete
stranger.
I will love them.
You know, if it's an acquaintance or a complete stranger, I might not keep them in my life
because they might not be like personality on the same wavelength, right?
(34:25):
But I will never judge them for that.
I will confess.
I get confused on the pronouns.
Oh, there's so many of them now.
It's so difficult.
Yeah.
And I will be honest.
I don't mean it in a bad way.
I don't mean it to be hateful or malicious.
(34:49):
It's just like you learn one way and you have to learn to say it differently.
You know what I mean?
And the one that gets me the most, and I've told you this and I think I've told other
people is the hardest for me is the they.
I have a hard time because like for me, my mother has what used to be termed as multiple
(35:15):
personalities, and so the use of they, and I put that in quotes, for one person, it just
it triggers something inside.
And I mean, it's deep inside because my mom has had this my whole life.
(35:36):
And so I choose not to use those pronouns because of it.
Again, not to be malicious, not to be disrespectful, but because I mentally can't handle.
And so for those that do have those pronouns, I find using their names, opting for their
(36:03):
names where it's appropriate or phrasing things to where I don't have to use pronouns makes
it to where we're both comfortable.
Yeah.
I think a lot of the time and this is both on both sides, right?
On both sides of it, the aisle, so to speak.
(36:24):
We are saying, well, this is just how I am.
So take it.
And or this is just how I believe.
So take it.
And we have to find that compromise.
We have to find that ability to see each other and move past it.
That's what I think.
(36:48):
So back to that narrative of what I started with.
I decided that if someone I cared for or even if I didn't know them, right?
If they came to me and shared that their gender or sexual orientation was different than the
societal norm, I would be honored that they felt safe enough to reveal their vulnerability
(37:16):
to me.
Because that's scary.
I would be humbled that they would share such a difficult and hard thing.
You're breaking the mold.
Yeah.
Right.
And anything, even if it's just like you don't want to go to church anymore or you don't
(37:40):
want to eat sugar anymore or you, I don't know, something even that small can be so
hard to do.
So adding to what our societies have termed a hard thing, it's very difficult.
(38:05):
And I would see them, see them for who they are.
That's what it's about.
I have never understood a parent rejecting their child because they don't fit into the
box or the mold.
I have never understood it because to me, that is my child.
(38:29):
That person that I have watched grown and I know them, like I don't fathom.
It's hard for my brain to compute that, to be like, well, we're done.
Yeah.
I don't get it.
I don't get it.
No, I don't either.
Yeah.
(38:51):
And you can jump in at any point here.
But I think I personally think knowing somebody fully for who they are is a beautiful thing.
When my grandma passed, I was sad, not just for the reason of her no longer being physically
(39:11):
here with.
But because after I left my religion of my youth, I felt I couldn't share my full self
with her anymore.
Okay.
She was still the person.
Well, like she was still the person that saw me the most, right?
(39:33):
She was the person that knew me as the core.
But like forming into a person who believes in multiple gods, who believes nature is more
important than going to establishment, even though she's the one that taught me that nature
(39:55):
is sacred by her words and actions.
But the religion of my youth is so much a lifestyle, not just a thing that you do.
Right?
Yeah.
What do you know?
Because you grew up in the same thing, but it was no longer we're on the same page, you
(40:22):
know, even though, yes, I know how it is to go to these certain places and do these certain
things and what I experienced from them.
Yes.
But it wasn't the same anymore, because I couldn't have a conversation of those spiritual
things that I felt in nature beyond.
(40:46):
I went outside and it was beautiful and calming and meditative, you know, in a meditative
way, excuse me.
Does that make sense?
Yeah, it does.
And omitting certain things because of maybe knowing the judgment that would come with
(41:07):
it or not wanting to have that conversation.
You know what I mean?
Yeah.
And I think for me, that's one of my biggest fears is because we're adults, we've lived
this life for so many years and we know what it's like to be out here in this big, scary
(41:31):
world and we know the judgment that our children are going to face and that we face even still.
And if anybody dares to be different outside that perfect little box that society wants
(41:56):
everybody to be in and you think it would be different to the Industrial Revolution,
you think it would be different after all these years, but it's not, unfortunately.
And it's hard to be brave.
Yeah, there's a lot of bullying still and there's a lot of hate and as a parent, it
(42:21):
is difficult to watch a child go through that.
Yeah.
I have found for myself that I struggle not to accept my child for what they're trying
(42:44):
to become or what identity they're trying to find.
But it's the urge to protect them from that hate.
Oh, absolutely.
It's the urge to say, no, don't do that because I know what you're in for.
(43:07):
I know the world that you're in.
Yeah, I know the hard, hard journey you're in for.
Right.
But then you have to think about is what you're doing helping or hindering.
Is it making it better or worse?
(43:29):
And I've lived a life and I know you have to where I lived my life the way that other
people wanted me to.
And I have since.
Yeah, and it's hard and it's very you wake up one day and you're like, what am I doing?
Right?
Well, not usually one day, but you're like, what am I doing?
(43:52):
And then you're like, oh, well, this is how I want to be.
And this is what works for me and what makes me feel good.
And then everybody that you've been living for, they start to reject you or allow you
in certain quantities.
As long as you say the right thing, that kind of thing.
(44:13):
I get it.
But I think.
Sorry, but I think I think that's what when my experience with my grandma.
Reaffirmed to me the importance of seeing and allowing people to truly be themselves.
(44:37):
Like I was already a decade into my journey of creating my own path.
And she passed away, but.
It was just that reminder, hindsight reminder of.
That's why it's important to allow our children to be and not even allow.
That's why it's important that we give them the respect.
(45:01):
To be what they need to be.
River shade, a color of object that they decide to want to be.
And when we say identity, it doesn't just mean like gender, it can mean your personality
(45:27):
and your character and everything.
Because I think a lot of people.
Just the hard ones.
No, no, no.
Because I think a lot of people when they hear, you know.
You know, their child's identity or your identity.
What first?
What first?
Yeah, they go to sexual orientation.
(45:48):
Those are very important.
And that's somewhat of what we're highlighting.
But also who you are as a person.
Yeah.
That you have your own thoughts.
You don't.
You're not just.
Well, OK, we're in the US, so we're not just Republican.
We're not just a Democrat.
We're not just, you know, I'm not wanting to go to politics.
You know, we're not just a group of whatever.
(46:09):
We have our own ideals.
We have our own thoughts.
And it's OK to not fit just here and just here.
But to be everywhere, to be a layer, to be like an onion or a bloom where it has many
different levels and colors and intricacies.
(46:32):
To be you, to be creatively you, whatever that looks like.
And and yeah, this is just something that's been on my mind for so long now, because,
yeah, I have a newly team, a new team because he's just barely 13 now, but he's been on
(46:57):
this journey for a while now to figure out their identity.
And it's hard.
And I feel like and I don't know.
I feel like youth these days.
Have so many more obstacles and challenges than we did when we were their age.
(47:17):
And I don't know if it's more or if it's just that I different because there's like social
media aspect.
I think it's just more time that way.
I think it's just more talked about.
Because you know, I have I have friends who.
Because we talked about sexual orientation.
(47:41):
I've had friends who come out to me who they have been dealing with.
Their feelings for.
Decades now.
Right.
I had one friend who was married with.
A woman and.
(48:03):
Had to deal with the fallout of.
Becoming him.
You know, and the process and the heart on both sides and and everything just to fit
a cookie cutter mold.
Right.
I just I think now.
(48:27):
Especially with our generation becoming.
I would say wiser.
I'm not sure about that yet, but.
We're.
I don't want to say more accepting because we have more.
We do have people that are fearful that are stuck in the your difference.
(48:52):
So therefore, you shouldn't be and we have to fix you.
There are that's still there, but I think.
We're more open to having the conversation.
And to hear both sides.
I didn't think about it that way.
That's true.
You know, we're.
(49:14):
We're more open to.
I think it was our generation where we started to say, hey, bullying is not OK.
He said bowling.
I'm like bowling.
Bully.
OK.
Bowling.
I have my listening ears on.
OK.
Do not grab that ball and roll it down and hit those pins.
Sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
(49:34):
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
Sorry, Des.
No, it's fine.
Yeah.
But you know what?
I mean, I just I don't know.
That's just my opinion.
I could be wrong.
But.
(49:55):
For me, I think it's just we're more open to saying, I don't agree with that.
And this is why I don't agree with that.
And.
Some people are still painful and you can't.
Can't change that.
Unfortunately.
just show a better way.
(50:15):
I. Kind of attributed.
The boom of social media in this day and age to, you know,
the challenge, increase of challenges that our youth face, because I know
I didn't have social media when I was.
That age.
The well.
(50:37):
They did my.
My space was barely coming out.
When I.
Like I said, it was just brand new.
But.
There's so much online bullying, but we also have more access
to all of this information.
(50:58):
So I feel like social media is a.
There's good and bad to it, yes, you can learn a lot from it.
It can also.
A lot of bullying out there on it.
And I think that's one of the reasons, another reason that it just terrifies me.
(51:20):
For our youth day.
Well, and I think that's what reminds us as parents who.
Tying into loving our children and embracing their identities
and who they want to be and and whatnot.
It's our opportunity to use it as an educational tool.
(51:44):
And to keep it factual.
You know, there.
You may not agree.
You know, the saying, I agree to disagree with you.
You may not agree that is something you can't.
And say, you know.
(52:04):
Okay, I wasn't going to bring this up, but I'm going to.
Well, the blanket came off.
Oh, we're getting into it.
Yeah, I got to use my arms, my hands.
I got to.
So with a production that we did at the theater,
there was a person of our community that we.
(52:26):
Casted because we believe.
A community is all shapes and sizes and colors and.
Relief systems and.
Orientation, it doesn't matter.
You as a person.
If you show up and you are in you are that person's role, right?
(52:47):
Then you get to be that person is is how we feel.
Okay, well.
We had an audience member decide that it was not a
okay, I don't know.
And and wrote a letter of fear and hatred.
(53:11):
And.
Decisively consciously used the words.
That boy.
Oh, no, is six.
Is evil.
Is pretty much saying of the devil and.
(53:34):
How dare you make me talk to my young children about.
Why this person?
With a girl name is playing a boy.
And to me it was out.
(53:57):
Rages.
Outrageous whether you agree or disagree with it to say such
hateful things.
It's not okay in my opinion.
We need to embrace our our community.
We are only as good as the worst of us.
(54:18):
We're only as rich as the poorest among us.
That's my thought philosophy.
So my thought was well, then where does this person go to be
them?
Yeah.
You know, and who are you to say what is okay and not okay for
(54:38):
this person to be if no law is being broken.
Never mind the fact that in theory, it's not okay.
Never mind the fact that in theater you can play cross-general
roles all the time.
Absolutely.
That's that's one thing that spot brought up.
He was like, well, you say to your child.
(55:01):
Well, this is make-believe.
They didn't have to come to the show.
Dress up.
You leave it at that.
We had it posted on which days who was playing what we had.
It could have gone to a different day.
Never mind the fact that you could have just said well, like
(55:21):
we said before people play dress up.
It's not a thing.
It's fine.
But the fear that's what I remember that fear you could read
it and the seething that came from the fear.
That's why I say we have to we have to love not fear something
(55:45):
that's different something that's unknown what we see in
in cartoons over and over and other things of you know, they
had this thing that was fearful because nobody knew what it
was and all of this bad happened and then finally they embraced
this different thing and that's when good started to happen.
(56:07):
What's the cartoon where she's fire and the person she falls
in love with?
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, dang it.
I'll never watch this like a couple weeks ago.
Oh, yes, it's like absolutely adorable.
And I love it.
It's it's yeah, it's that message though.
(56:28):
Like they went through all of this because they're not supposed
to be together and and everybody's different and da da da da
and you had one perspective of no, no, no, and you had the
other over the movie is like elemental.
We don't know how this is going to work, but let's just embrace
you and see what happens.
You know, yeah, it's the same.
Yeah.
(56:48):
Yeah.
Yeah.
I was like, oh, I got to remember it.
Yeah.
Element.
Yeah.
Ah, element.
Yeah, that's that's it.
It's a good one, but it's the same idea.
Sorry, it just.
Oh, I'm enraged.
Yeah.
Oh, that's it made my my heart boil over in terms of not rage,
(57:15):
but just my my protective mama bear came out.
You know, not like I didn't want to yell at the person in terms
of like to be hateful, but to just wake them up.
Like, how can you say that?
It's like all those years.
My other thought, if you have to write a letter and they're
(57:38):
hiding behind the keyboard and talk to somebody, then you
know better.
You know, if you have to write an email, yeah, if you have
to, you know, better troll behind things and write all this
hateful stuff that you would never say in public, you know,
(58:03):
it's wrong to say it that way.
You can say I disagree with that.
I don't know, even if they would have just said, I guess
it was just the word choice.
You know, it was you could have just said I disagree with
that.
And, you know, what can I do in the future to make sure this
doesn't happen for us, you know, or whatever, then we could
(58:27):
have been like, well, we do post on our social media and
we will have our box office knows the days of but to exclude
a person and then to point them out and purposefully go
against what they aren't being when they're being their
(58:49):
true selves is so not just disrespectful, but it's unhumane.
This is the kind of this is a perfect example of what I am
fearful for.
Well, yeah, and the cashier that I brought up with her body
(59:11):
piercings and her tattoos.
It's the same idea.
Yeah.
So several years ago, my child was born male started using
the phrases, you know, testing the waters is what I'll say,
(59:33):
you know, testing the waters of what would you say if I
said I was, you know, and then he would insert a phrase.
What would you do if I said Mike, is this hypothetical or
is this, you know, just just what would you do?
You know, he was testing you out to see if you were safe.
Yeah.
Yeah.
(59:54):
And then this was years ago and then more recently he would
say I have to tell you something and he would always do
it.
When I'm half asleep.
We're not all there, you know, so I think it was so that if
if it comes up again and be like I didn't say that you were
(01:00:18):
asleep, you drunk that, you know, but it but it was it started
out with I'm asexual and then it moved to I'm pansexual all
these different things that I'm like, what I have to Google.
What is this?
You know, I understand that.
And then non-binary and then I'm gay and then most and then
(01:00:45):
every single time I come back and be like, so you said this.
Let's talk about this.
Yeah, so, you know, and I always followed up because I once
I'm asleep, I'm asleep and I don't come things don't compute.
But I will always follow up the next day and I let's talk
(01:01:07):
about this.
He always knows that it's a safe space.
He can always talk about it.
And the statements have started to.
Combine with little actions like throwing out his hair her
their hair.
I know you don't like they can't use a, but you know, I can't
(01:01:30):
they do it every day.
That's throwing out their hair.
You know, their hair is almost as long as mine now.
It drives me a little crazy because I have to like your hair
if we're going to have long hair.
That's that's my deal.
If you're going to do that, then you have to take care of.
(01:01:52):
It took me back the first time.
They came out and had used my eyelash curler and put mascara
on and lip gloss the lip gloss you had given me.
I heard they use because I don't use makeup and I was like,
yeah.
Oh, oh, okay.
All right.
I'm never going out in public like that, but around the house
(01:02:17):
and I'm like, okay, okay, cool.
We're doing this, you know, all right.
How's that make you feel?
And the most recent statement that has stuck.
Is that I'm transsexual.
Okay.
And for a long, long time, and I think they're testing out,
(01:02:40):
you know, name changes.
Which is a mother breaks my heart a little bit.
Great.
Because you know, that's not who birth but you know, okay.
Get over it because you gave her name to him.
Yeah.
Yeah, I get it.
And I don't ever call them by that other name because they've
(01:03:01):
never asked me to but like online or among certain friends
they'll go by the other name.
But for a long time, I think part of me in my head.
It was like, is this a phase?
(01:03:24):
Are you going with trends because you know, some people
I noticed that some of their friends were they were all all
their friends were all non-binary or they're all pansexual.
I'm like, oh, so you just go with the flow.
You know, and I do know I was reading some I've read books
(01:03:48):
and I've read articles and I some parents would say their
six-year-old son said that they were a girl until they embrace
that, you know, that I'm like, but in the back of my mind,
I'm like, are you a little young to be making these decisions?
(01:04:08):
I think so.
And so for me, whatever they want to wear.
I have friends that, you know, have gone through this and then
change their mind.
No, like just kidding.
No.
Okay, testing it out.
And so I just kind of go with all right, but in the back of my
(01:04:29):
mind, I'm like.
Okay.
But of course, I'll be supportive and I did bring up the.
Okay, so let's get you into counseling, you know, for because
they do have transgender specific counselors that can help
you with the transition.
I said, okay, do you need a counselor that's specific for
(01:04:51):
that help with transitioning?
And I brought up, you know, the, you know, what my child has
a severe fear of needles.
And I said, well, how are you going to handle surgery?
If you don't like needles, what kind of what surgery will
transgender, you know, if you're transgender, then you have
surgery.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, I'm not that kind of transgender.
(01:05:14):
So I think, you know, you know, children are they're figuring
out.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I'm always judging the people.
Yeah, that's exactly.
I'm not judging the people that do embrace my six-year-old
that do go out when their danger comes up.
(01:05:36):
And as I want to change my sex, I'm not judging them when
they jump on it and say, okay, I personally know would say,
let's test this out for a little bit and make sure it's
something absolutely have researched and have gone through
the whole thing.
(01:05:56):
Because once it's changed, you can't change it back.
Yeah, it's a little hard to go back.
Yeah.
So you have to fully make sure a hundred there has to be
no shadow of a doubt.
And I when I was typing up my notes for this and I asked
them, is it okay if I bring up your experiences for this and
(01:06:23):
talk about you in the podcast?
I said, oh, yeah, that's fine.
And I said, well, let me ask you a question.
You know, if you're identifying as a she now, how come you're
still this is just for my education.
How come you're still just your everyday go-to outfit is
cargo pants or sweatpants and sweatshirt, you know, not at
(01:06:46):
all that, you know.
Really?
Yes.
Yeah.
And they said, well, first I said, well, yeah.
You haven't taken me shopping.
And I'm like, well, I didn't know I needed to take shopping.
First of all, and second of all, last time I did take me
(01:07:07):
shopping.
It was just get me some pants.
So, excuse me.
And then they said, well, girls can wear sweatpants too.
I'm like, well, that is true.
Sorry.
So, and I remember long, long, long time ago, like four,
(01:07:34):
maybe five, I was talking to my friends and they were my
neighbors and friends at the same time.
And I said, you know, just some little things that he does
and acts.
I wouldn't be surprised if he came out as gay.
Just, you know, just little behaviors.
(01:07:54):
And they're like, yeah, I can do that.
And who knows?
Who knows what it'll be like in a year, six months, year,
two years.
I'll still love my child, but it's hard.
Is it?
I do have a question.
Is he, is he or is I don't know.
(01:08:16):
Maybe not.
Say whatever you like.
For trans, for the transgender, are they more, I'm trying
to say this, right?
Are they more gender fluid?
Or is he more gender fluid or is he more transgender?
(01:08:40):
Because it sounds to me that he's more gender fluid.
See, when I went, they've said transsexual or transgender,
excuse me, man, transgender, transsexual, you know, but
when I was doing research, I said, you know, it sounds like
gender fluid to me.
What's that?
So I researched and found fluid is a form of gender identity
(01:09:06):
or expression.
That's rather than a sexual orientation and fluid relates
to how a person identifies himself internally and presents
themselves to the world.
They may identify as a male one day, female the next, both
male and female or neither.
I was like, well, I agree with you.
(01:09:27):
I really was like, this sounds like you.
That seems more of what is going on.
And they're like, oh, maybe they didn't like 100% jump on board,
but well, that's because I think you have to process that,
you know, you always have to process what you're saying.
(01:09:49):
Right.
Yeah.
Take that with a grain of salt to me.
Yes, I thought I in my mind, I kind of it's almost like I'm
I'll be accepting of whatever.
So I don't want to use the word accepting, but in my brain,
it feels like this is a more fitting box, if you will.
(01:10:13):
That's right.
Where I'm looking for.
Sure.
It just seems to be more of what he's going through.
Yes.
Yeah.
Because with everything that you have told me, you know,
it seems to fit more of what because to under that's all
the boxes are for is to understand a little bit better
(01:10:36):
what each other is going through, right?
To communicate.
It might not be exactly right.
Right.
But it's so that you can give the other person an idea of
where.
Yeah.
This time period of their lives.
(01:10:57):
It's such a fragile time and they're trying to figure out
their identity.
They're trying to figure out where how they fit in and.
I don't personally, I don't feel like this is the time that
they are. To make such drastic changes.
(01:11:18):
Permanently. Personally, yeah.
You know a lot on your plate.
You got a lot to figure out.
Yes, we can pass the waters.
Yes, we can.
If this is what you want to and I may get a lot of hate for
this.
I'm not but that's fine.
This is my personal opinion and how I'm dealing with it.
(01:11:39):
Yes, let's go with this for a while.
And I don't make a big deal of it.
If you want to be like this for a while.
Sure.
Yeah.
And then if we're going to change later on, okay, we'll change.
We'll go home going with the flow, I guess.
Well, I think it's something that they should make that decision.
(01:12:00):
If we're going to ever talk about transgender, right?
And making the sex change.
It's something that they should make when they're adults.
Just the same.
This is my opinion, right?
My opinion.
It is something that they should make as an adult.
That doesn't mean that they can't dress up like like girls.
(01:12:22):
That doesn't mean that they can't wear their hair.
We're saying the opposite of male because that's where you are right now.
But it can be the other way around.
Doesn't mean a girl couldn't dress up like a boy and have the haircut like a boy
while they're trying to figure that out.
(01:12:43):
You know what I mean?
Mm-hmm.
But I think as an apparent, we need to love them no matter what.
Bottom line, that's our job.
Our job is to love them and to give them a safe space to explore their world.
(01:13:03):
Whether it's about sex, whether it's about, I know I said that I said that S word.
Whether it's about what hairstyle they want.
Whether it's about, I mean this came up the other day.
We went out to eat with my parents, my stepmom and a few other people.
(01:13:29):
And my stepmom brought up, oh you need to have a haircut till Lorenzo.
Yeah.
You know, and my thing with him, I was like, I don't care.
If you want a haircut, I'll ask, right?
Do you want a haircut?
No.
My only rule is let me see your eyes when you're talking to me.
So brush it out of your face.
I don't care.
(01:13:49):
You know, come on, Kaden had hair down to like his shoulders.
All curly, cute.
Yeah.
Kind of thing.
And then he decided to cut them off.
Whatever.
But we have to give them the space to learn who they are.
And the world is hard enough to have to go home and not have a safe place.
(01:14:17):
Hurts my heart.
You know, we need to, okay.
I might not agree with you.
I might think, hey, and I might even say it.
Hey, I do think you need a haircut, but I will meet you halfway and I will see, you
know, as long as I can see your eyeballs when you talk to me, do what you want.
(01:14:40):
You know, as long as you're taking care of your body and being healthy, mentally, physically,
do what you want.
Don't break any rules.
Like, law-wise, please.
I'm going to throw that disclaimer in.
Don't hurt anyone.
Please.
To be what you want.
You know, but that's, I think sometimes as parents, we get possessive.
(01:15:06):
This is my child.
My child.
And it's not, this is a human that was entrusted to me.
And I have the responsibility.
This is my opinion.
I have the responsibility to teach them how to be safe and navigate life and figure out
(01:15:28):
who they truly are.
And if I don't do those three things, then I fail as a parent.
Because I'm not truly loving them.
I'm allowing, I'm allowing my default onto them.
That's a chain that I'm trying to break, which you know that.
(01:15:50):
Yeah.
From living my life for other people.
I don't want them to live a life that I want them to live.
I want them to live a life that they need and want to.
And have the tools to navigate it.
I just, yeah, and I appreciate your thoughts on that.
(01:16:16):
And I think to sum up accepting your children for who they are, a writer, activist, and
psychiatrist, Andrew Solomon, wrote a book, Far From the Tree.
And there's a quote in it I wanted to share to sum up everything.
(01:16:37):
He said, acceptance in parenting can be conceptualized as being able to see and acknowledge the uniqueness
in your child without pressing for this change.
It is finding the light in your child and seeing it there.
This doesn't mean that we don't strive to shape our children's behavior, educational
(01:16:58):
outcomes, sporting abilities, et cetera, but rather we accept, validate, and validate with
warmth their unique personality.
We love them for being them.
Yeah.
And love a bigger sum, a bigger sum.
We love and not fear.
(01:17:22):
We show love and not show fear.
In my opinion.
That's a beautiful quote though.
And that sums up very nicely what we're saying.
We should have just started with that.
We would have been done by now.
(01:17:46):
It's a throwdown.
It's a challenge.
We've got something for you.
But with that said, I wanted to extend a challenge for growth for everyone.
Me included, AJ included, to the hard topics of the world.
(01:18:09):
I challenge us to know our stance.
To spend time.
This is what I've been doing for the last decade.
Right?
Deconstructing what my defaults were because of living a life that somebody else wanted
(01:18:30):
me to live.
Spend the time with you and contemplate whether it is a programmed default or what you truly
believe.
Your different stances, right?
Is this because, I mean, the first time I had a sip of coffee, I thought I was going
to hell.
I enjoyed it, but I thought I was going to hell.
(01:18:54):
And I immediately took a sip, drank a little bit, and threw it away because I was going
to go to hell.
And I had to work through that, clearly.
I'm fine now.
I have worked through that program.
You know what I mean?
But spend time with you and contemplate whether you believe certain things because that is
(01:19:19):
what you have been programmed or that is what you have learned from your environment or
if that is something that you truly believe.
You know, all of these things.
I have had a point in my life where I had to stop and say, is that truly what, do you
truly have a problem with people who love each other and are of the same sex?
(01:19:44):
No, I do not.
Well, then don't act like it.
Are you truly a person who thinks that a tattoo is going to defile a person and send them
to hell?
No, I don't.
Then don't act that way.
You know, I do have a problem when people's booties hang out, but that's because I don't
(01:20:07):
want to see it.
I don't want to see that.
It's not appealing to me.
I just I feel like there should be some, some, some, some, some, some, there should be some
respect for your body, right?
For you.
You don't have to show everybody everything.
(01:20:31):
Even if I had a rock star body, I'd be like, no, I'm not showing these things, you know,
but that's my opinion.
And I'm not going to go up to the person who has booty shorts on and be like, you shouldn't
wear them.
So disgusting.
Because come on.
That's, that's all I'm going to say on that is come on.
(01:20:52):
No comment.
Like, I don't have to be that way.
But the second part to that is walk the earth with compassion and love.
Right?
Show grace to those around you, whether they are wearing booty shorts and you don't agree
with it just because I brought that up or not.
(01:21:14):
It's it's not your place.
Who cares?
Okay.
That's what they feel good in.
Good.
Good for them.
Right?
I'm not talking about public decency.
If you want to be nude, go to a nude place.
Okay.
Anyways, but show grace to those around you.
And if you need some aid, remember that we can always agree to disagree and respect those
(01:21:38):
disagreements.
Move past them and forward.
I firmly believe that everybody has a room, has a space at the table.
We are all and any any religious or political or whatever, we are all human beings and we
(01:22:05):
all deserve to be respected.
We all deserve to have a voice.
We all deserve to express ourselves the way that we feel comfortable.
And for those that don't agree with whatever is happening, love them.
(01:22:26):
Love them anyway.
Give them space because you're missing out on incredible people just because their book
cover doesn't look the way that you want it.
I have often picked up a book that I'm like, I don't know with this cover.
Maybe not.
This is my favorite book now.
(01:22:49):
Imagine that.
So spend some time, learn what hard topics, where you feel about them, and then show everybody
that may not agree with you some love and respect.
So with that, we love you all and we're so grateful for you and we just want this world
(01:23:13):
to be a happy place.
So we hope we are, even with the hard topics, hope we are uplifting and inspiring and enriching
everyone.
And thank you for listening.
Until next time.
Ciao!
Thanks for hanging with AJ and A-Rae.
(01:23:36):
We hope we've brought a little fun, sass, and joy into your lives.
For more information about our episodes, us, and what we may be up to, please visit our
website at wanderingmusings.my.canva.site.
That's wanderingmusings.my.canva.site.
(01:24:01):
If you enjoyed this episode, please like and subscribe to us wherever you listen to your
podcasts.
Cheers to womanhood!
Cheers to womanhood!
Cheers to womanhood!
Ciao!
(01:24:39):
Ciao!
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