Spilling the Tea with Courthey Boyer

Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
Welcome to the wandering musings of AJ and A-Ray!

(00:04):
To Mamas After Dark!
Sit back, relax, and enjoy!
Welcome, welcome, welcome!

(00:27):
Welcome to another episode!
How are you doing today?
I'm good.
We had our spring break this week.
I feel like our spring break went like that.
It did. I took the week off work as well and had some well-needed...

(00:49):
I don't want to say R&R because it was actually a very busy week.
It was like, you have a lot of appointments.
I know, we crammed in as many appointments as possible.
Which is good, you were trying to take care of yourself.
Yeah, but it was good to take some time off work and just kind of...

(01:13):
It was much needed.
But, it was good, but I'm sad the week is over.
Me too.
Back to normal life now.
Yeah, yeah.
We were in the car, I think it was yesterday or the day before.
I can't remember now, but it's like, I'm sad we have to work.

(01:38):
I'm sad you have to go to school.
Why can't we just always be like this?
But then I know that if we were like this all the time, we would be at each other's throats all the time.
Because, you know, summertime, I'm like, can you go back to school now?
Yeah, we started off first working on our house.

(02:01):
And then...
Something happened to where I am doing more costume stuff for Pirate.
She's just always, always, always doing more than you sign up for.
So, yeah.

(02:23):
So, me and the other gal, at least I have a person that I'm working with.
This is true.
Who also has a chronic thing.
I was like, man, we have so many chronic issues with people nowadays.
It just makes me sad.
But anyways, we already talked about that.
I'm sure we'll talk about it again because it's so relevant.

(02:46):
So, we've been trying to get everybody costumed.
Yeah.
I spent...
Oh my goodness.
I swear this skirt was so big around on this dress that I was picking out part of the fabric because it was made for a taller person.

(03:07):
And then the person that we're putting it in is shorter.
So, I was like, I have been doing this for like 45 minutes.
It's so long.
And they put it together so well.
So, I kind of felt bad for taking apart somebody's really nice work.
So, I had to un-stitch it in three different places to get it to come off.

(03:36):
This person sewed it.
There's a difference between sewing for like wearing outside and to keeping your clothes for a long period of time.
Like when you're making a project.
Like if I make something for myself or for you or something like that or somebody like that that isn't going to be in a play, et cetera, you sew differently.

(04:02):
You sew for perfection.
Not that you don't allow yourself to make human errors, but you know what I mean?
I know what you mean.
Yeah.
But when you sew for the stage, you have to think about the fact that more than one person is probably going to...
Sorry, I had to fix my rose bush.

(04:23):
Anyways, that more than one person is going to be using it probably.
So, you're making something that can be changed or altered.
So, you're not going to do the extra, extra, extra.
You're going to just do...
I don't say the bare minimum because you have to keep in mind that this actor, because actors are like children in terms of how hard they are on clothes.

(04:51):
So, you have to, you know, reinforce it, but you don't have to do the same level.
You're not going to do a couture dress for them because that takes forever, number one.
Number two, because it's going to have to change for the next person potentially that's going to use it down the road.
Right?
And so, it's fun.

(05:14):
Like as the seamstress, when I come across garments that people actually put together with thought and love and care, I'm like, oh my gosh, that's beautiful.
But at the same time, I'm like, but now I have to destroy it to make it work for somebody else.
So, it's interesting.
So much fun.

(05:36):
That's what I'm doing right now.
And then we're going to make reversible vests for one of the characters, one of the main characters, because they go between two different, I don't want to say professions, but ways of life in the show.
Is that the one you were you sent me a picture of the green?

(05:57):
Is it green?
Or is that a different vest?
I don't know.
What did I say?
Picture of a green.
I thought it was a vest.
I'm looking right now because I'm like, I don't know.
No, you sent me a course.
No, it's the corset.
Yes, it was a corset.
Okay.
Yeah, I'm making a corset too.
I'm almost done.

(06:18):
I have.
I have, well, I didn't use boning again because that's expensive and it's going to be something that'll sit in my stores of costumes because it's stuff that I had in my stock of fabric and whatnot.
But yeah, I made a corset.

(06:39):
I made a mock up of it and it was an old sheet that I used for the mock up because then I can use it as the liner. So what people are going to see is like a black corset with like lace on it and pretty, but it has like a bright neon.
It was very bright.

(07:00):
It was like traffic.
You're like, what are you doing?
Right.
But I don't see the purpose of making it so many times.
Like I like to have a mock up, especially if I'm, you know, making it for somebody else because I have to make sure it fits.
I don't want to do the whole, all the work and then have a put it on their body and then have to take it all apart to fix it and put it back on, you know.

(07:29):
So if I do a mock up, then I can make sure it fits and then I can also use it as part of the ensemble because it's going to be, it's usually the liner that I make my mock ups into.
But yeah, I'm almost done with that. I have all of the frame around it pinned.

(07:54):
I put in the heavy duty and I don't remember who was watching that I saw this on YouTube and I was like, what?
That's what I should have been doing because bony is super expensive for corsets and stuff and you don't want to just give that away.
Like gold.
And so you've been very, very busy this week.

(08:17):
I did a heavy duty zip tie. That's what I was trying to say for the boning part so that it keeps the structure of the.
Hey, that's nifty.
I didn't do like a boob structure because I wasn't sure. I wanted to make sure she could fit everything.
So I left. I like I did it up to a certain point in the front to make it look like it had the structure that it needed. That's another thing that you learn about stage sewing. It doesn't necessarily have to be 100 percent.

(08:49):
What you normally would do like again has to appear. You become an illusionist. It's kind of fun.
Kind of fun to problem solve it. It's one of those things where you'd love to complain to because you're just like, I have to do this. And then you're like, but this is got cool.
So.

(09:10):
Seeing a pattern tell a ray is a theater costume. Yeah, I don't want to be on the stage.
I don't want to be on the stage. I don't want to be on the stage. I don't want to be on the stage. I don't want to be on the stage.
It's about as far as I can go and I even get freaked out with that.

(09:38):
But I yeah, I don't mind putting people in clothing. I love to dress people up.
I'm a nerd. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I put some thought on the stage and the boys liked it.
Well, Hayden sort of likes it. He likes to be on the stage in a character role, but doesn't like auditioning.
And I was like, nobody likes auditioning.

(10:01):
Please tell me that you don't want me.
So that's what my my days have been. But we open in two weeks now.
So and I just got on board, me and the other girl last week.

(10:25):
So I was there Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday and yesterday. Sure. I don't think I was there on Monday.
No, I don't think I was this this week because one did.
But yeah, I know Tuesday you were at the bank. You said you're at the. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

(10:49):
That's about all I remember.
I don't know. We've been just two ships passing in the night pretty much. Hi. Bye. Hi.
Like three seconds. Blah, blah, blah, blah. Yeah.
So, um, yeah, I guess that was part of our spilling the tea.
But what you drink? Yeah, we forgot to say that in the beginning.

(11:11):
So what you drinking? It's time to spill the tea.
What are you thinking? What are you drinking?
I have water and I have the hot.
Oh, the hot cinnamon sunset tea. Yummy, yummy, yummy.
That you gave me. And then just before we started, I downed a chocolate protein shake.

(11:39):
Mm hmm. Yeah. Yeah. I have kombucha because my tummy doesn't feel great.
That's OK. It feels better than it did yesterday.
I'm telling you, you're doing too much. I know this is TMI, but I was fine. I was fine all day.
And then I think I might have ate something that I shouldn't have.

(12:01):
Because I was eating out.
I just. Ah, yeah. A quick run to Maverick because I was starving.
Oh, gas station food. Well, no offense. No offense to, you know, Maverick. They're they're not bad.
No, I actually like Maverick's food sometimes. Yeah.

(12:25):
Speaking speaking of Maverick, gas gas prices these days.
Yeah. Holy cow. I had to fill up twice this week, actually, because I did a lot of driving.
And oh, my God, I was like, wait, I thought we were going down. Why are we going back?
So which bill am I skipping this week because I had to pay for gas?
No, I understand. Yeah, anyways, I understand. So.

(12:52):
I understand we were just talking about this the other day, not the gas part, but like bills and we were like, oh, yeah.
You're like, I have to figure out how to what was it? I have to figure out how to fit this in.
Yeah. And then I was like, I had to I have to do the boys for their ENT things.
And then, oh, yes. Yeah. You were like, what about insurance?

(13:13):
I was like, well, I mean, I'm already getting tapped out on their braces.
I know life is expensive, man.
Life is expensive. But I mean, I guess we're paying it forward.
I mean, my dad paid my braces and I kind of have a pretty smile.

(13:35):
As long as I don't have a big gap between my two front teeth because I didn't wear my retainer because I lost it.
And now I regret it. I just have this down here that my grandma had.
Not that anybody else can see that. But what is that called?
Where your tooth goes behind your other teeth? Yeah, I don't know what that's called.

(13:57):
That's what my front one does. And on the bottom.
So when I smile, I only show my top teeth.
You can't even tell.
Because we have a very beautiful smile.
We put our best foot forward and in my case, it's my teeth on the top.
Best teeth forward.

(14:18):
Does that make a weird face to you?
It feels like you're not. Well, anyways, I have a quote for us.
So we're musing along, huh? Yes, we're musing along.
Deal. If that's OK with you. No, it's great.
Let's listen to some musings, quotes, poems, short stories, inspirational, uplifting news, and of course, hippie dippy astrology.

(14:43):
So today's quote is by a Dr. John Deloni.
He is an author and a mental health expert.
I thought it was fitting for this week.
Busy, busy season of our lives.
He says, You are not a burden.
No, you are not perfect.

(15:05):
Yes, you've got things to work on, but we all do.
You are a blessing.
Thank you for being you today.
I like it. Thank you for being you today.
So anyway, thank you for being you.
You too.
You too. And I think that's important to remember.

(15:30):
When we're being harder on ourselves, you know, like I took a little bit of a break this week.
Not just because of being busy with my family and costumes and stuff like that, but from the podcast schedule that I've made for myself.

(15:52):
And I had to cut myself some slack and I had to say, you know what, it's OK.
It's OK. And it's OK to put down like, oh, this isn't working. So change it. But as long as you're being you and true to you, which we'll talk about in our episode today, then that's good.

(16:13):
That's all you need to do is be you.
I did the same thing. I took a step back from literally everything.
I didn't do anything that I normally would be doing social media wise or anything like that.
And I was like, that's OK. I can care of myself. I'm being me.

(16:34):
I think I think what I want to work on is and somebody mentioned this before and I've just the universe has been showing me this message throughout is to schedule time for makeup like, oh, I need to get this done.

(16:56):
I need to get a schedule window, but also to schedule time to just eat, especially for a person who has to go, go, go, go, go.
It feels like it's good to also schedule in those times to just be you and not have to do anything else.

(17:23):
So that's what I'm working on. I love it. Good thing to be working on. Thanks. Thanks.
So we are good for some hippie dippy banter. Yeah, let's hear it.
So it's an off the wall thing in terms of why I'm talking about it. Like I didn't have it on my radar to talk about it because we were talking about like Ashwagandha and Nettle and all these things that kind of help you feel better.

(17:54):
And this particular one, it does have beneficial things and you can eat it.
But I, I have a tendency to stick up for the underdog.
And I got a little frustrated because I've heard this before like my grandma has said it before.

(18:21):
And then my stepmom brought it up.
Because, anyway, I'll tell you what it is and we'll go from there.
So I wanted to talk about catnip today.
And the real, okay, what sparked it, my inspiration was

(18:46):
my husband pulled, my husband and my boys were working in my dad's little garden space before I got there. I was finishing up a project. This was a little while ago.
And now that they live closer, we can help them with that. Actually, we had it planned to do it yesterday and then it snowed and rained all day.

(19:07):
Thanks springtime.
Yay! We're in the weathers trying to decide what it's supposed to be. That's where we are.
But he accidentally pulled up one of the plants because another plant was stuck under or with it and he was trying to get that out because they didn't.
And it smelt kind of minty to him. So he was like, oh no, I pulled up this mint. And I was like, I don't think this is mint.

(19:34):
And so I double checked and it was catnip, which is part of the mint family.
Just so you know, which is why it has a minty smell, but it's a little awe.
Like it doesn't quite smell like our normal Mojito mint.

(19:55):
Anyways, so. This is ignorant me. I did not know the catnip was plant. Yeah, yeah. I had no idea. Okay. Wait, it's all flaky because that's the dried stuff.
Yeah, like basil when it's dried. It kind of has that same look or mint when it's dry.

(20:17):
But so like my grandma once said, well, why would you because I have cats. I have like an army full of cats and like 20 cats. I don't have that many, but I do have I have I have more than five and less than seven.
Okay, I have six indoors and I have three outdoors.

(20:44):
But anyways, my grandma was like, why are you giving them that? And I said, because it gives them joy. Like my cats love it and it's not it's like a treat. It's like a luxurious bath, right? I don't give it to them all the time because that's crazy sauce.
If you get if you eat dark chocolate all the time, you're going to get sick.

(21:05):
Yeah, so I just kind of you know, I told her it's not bad for them. Like, it's like having a piece of dark chocolate. Some, some can go crazy. Some get really docile.
Some get really aggressive and don't give your cat that because you don't want to deal with an aggressive cat. Right. But at the same regard, you know, some people can eat dark chocolate and they're just fine. Some eat dark chocolate and they're like, this is the best thing ever.

(21:35):
Some eat dark chocolate and are like, no, thank you.
And so there's some cats that it doesn't affect. So cat nib affects about 50 to 70% of cats in those three different ways. Right. Aggressive is not very common.
Usually you'll see them go psycho, like run around in circles and get a little crazy. And then they just lay down and chill.

(22:05):
And it only affects them for about 10 to 15 minutes. Once they get I'm going to put it in terms of a hit. Okay.
And so she's like, we're talking your cat. And I was like, okay, well, let's talk about drugging my cats.
I think when people are saying that they're assuming it's like addictive, like like an opioid is addictive to a human. Like I think that's where they're putting it.

(22:37):
They're putting oh catnip is like an opioid for a cat because they go crazy. And it's not addictive to them. They could go without having it. They're not going to have any side effects from having it or not having it.
It's like everything else that you use it in a balance. Right. Because it can get things like digestively and in their bowel moving. So like if your cat isn't feeling good and hasn't had a bowel movement, you can give them a dosage appropriate of catnip.

(23:14):
And it will help things move appropriately. If you give them too much, then they're going to have diarrhea. Right. It's just like when we take something to get us moving, we take too much.
And then we're like, wait, no, stop. Put on the brakes. You know, so anyways, I was going to plant it back in because catnip is really good for kind of keeping the mosquitoes down.

(23:46):
Just like mint. Weird because it's the same family. And it's cheaper than mint. Bang, mint. And it can grow especially up where we are natively.
I'm like, it's a free plant that keeps mosquitoes away. Why wouldn't you want it back in? Well, because it's somebody told me it was it was a drug.

(24:13):
So, oh boy, I was really upset about this because I'm a nerd. And my husband being as cute as he is, he was like, not everybody is as plant forward as you are, which I thought was really adorable.
But I just plant forward. I wanted to maybe share some of my plant forwardness and say, catnip isn't a bad thing. You could ingest it. It won't taste quite like mint, but it does have a minty smell.

(24:48):
So if you are living, especially like I wanted to be like, it's your loss. You're living in an area that has a lot of mosquitoes. We live by a bay. They're a little bit further away, but not by much. They're four minutes from us.
You're going to want this when the mosquitoes come. So if you don't want to have to pay for mint, buy catnip and your local feral cats will be very happy for you to do so. And they're going to know how much they can have.

(25:20):
Okay. If they get sick from it, I guarantee you they're not going to have that much the next day. Just so you know, they're very smart little individuals.
And let me tell you, they are individuals because none of my cats are the same.

(25:44):
It's true. But yeah, so it just a couple more facts. It's native to regions in southern and Eastern Europe, the Middle East, Central Asia, and parts of China.
It grows really well and is naturalized in places like Northern Europe, New Zealand, and North America. Essentially wherever the Europeans went after.

(26:17):
The compound in catnip that makes it to where some cats, about two thirds, react or are attracted to catnip is the nept, I'm going to say this wrong, neptylactin.

(26:38):
Okay, which I mean the scientific name for catnip is neptacateria. So that makes sense. neptacateria cat catnip. I think it's saying about the same thing.
I'm sure you've seen this before where if they have some, they usually don't really, I mean they can't eat it if it's fresh. That's a side topic, but I've watched Noah this one time we bought him a little plant of it and he ate the whole thing.

(27:11):
In like less than an hour and I was like, oh buddy, he wasn't sick. He was just like zoom z, zoom z, zoom z, zoom z and then good night.
I was like, oh like a sugar crash.
But you'll see him rolling in it, flipping, rubbing and eventually just zoning out.

(27:33):
It's also used in some herbal teas for a sedative and relaxant properties. So that's how we can use it.
If you need to kind of relax, put a little bit in.
Again, don't put so much that you're like comatose.
Just start in the little small pieces. Remember, be safe.

(27:54):
You know consult people that know more than you do.
That have or a practitioner, things like that.
It's a perennial herb.
It grows about 100 centimeters tall and wide. It's fragrant, has small little flowers. They're usually pink or white or pale, much like basil and mint have those little flowers. They're cute little flowers.

(28:25):
They're deer resistant. So that's really nice.
They're what?
Deer resistant.
Oh, deer. Oh, okay.
Which I was like, that makes sense because we get a lot of deer up here and of course that's what survives is something that they won't bother.
Throat tolerant, which is great because we don't get rained of sometimes during the summer.
Like two summers ago. Do you remember that? Oh, it's awful.

(28:49):
Yep.
And it is a repellent for certain insects.
So, there you go.
I had no idea. Catnip. I had no idea it was a plant. I had no idea that we can ingest.
Are sedative and reluctant, which makes sense because you watch a cat and they usually chill out.

(29:14):
Oh yeah.
Well, that's cool. Thank you for sharing that. You're welcome. Maybe next time I'll talk about mint.
Okay, I like it.
Yeah, we'll see. Cool. We'll see.
So, our inspiring news is, okay, it's based on,

(29:36):
so AJ already knows this. I'm sure you all have figured this out. I have an infinity for plants.
They're my plant babies. All babies are my plant babies.
So, I have this huge window full of plants. And then I have, it's kind of like a bay window, but it's like a, it's a plant window, essentially.

(30:07):
That I have like a couple of terraniums in there and a devil's ivy and an aloe that loves how it is.
To the point where I was putting up like a blackout kind of thing on the window because it gets too hot in the summer.

(30:29):
And my aloe loves its spot so much that I left part of it open for my aloe.
AJ's like shaking her head like, why, what am I going to do with her?
But my inspiration, now that I've painted this picture for everyone, are my purple terraniums.

(30:50):
They're so pretty right now. They have like five or six different bundles of these little pink flower, pink purplish flowers, which I'll post on our social media and on our blog.
Well, I'll put it on our blog and you can see it from there.
But that's my inspiration because I was brushing around and it caught my eye and it allowed me to stop and admire its beauty and see it.

(31:27):
Not just, you know, oh, that's a pretty flower, but like take it in and look at the different intricacies of the flowers and how it kind of with the background of its foliage.
The universe or God or whomever you believe in paints us these beautiful works of art in different ways in nature.

(31:54):
And when we allow ourselves to slow down enough to be inspired by them, our lives are so much better for it, at least mine is.
And so that's my inspiration.
Love it.

(32:15):
You're very welcome.
I love seeing the pictures of her plant babies.
My little plant babies.
I was, I, oh, and I was sending you a picture of my, my new cacti baby. Yes, when I got a couple months ago and it had all of the blooms out this last week, not just that one starry one.

(32:55):
So I was like, I just want all of the energy and love that you give me so I can pass it along.
That's awesome. I'm such a hippie.
My younger self saw me, I would be like, what in the world happened?

(33:16):
I'd be like, look, grandma did this to us and price it and move along.
What we love about you.
Yay.
Well, we have a very exciting episode today.
We do.
Who do we have?
So we were. Okay. I want to just say before we start introducing her because we've already talked with her.

(33:48):
I really love her. I love the energy that she has. I love the message that she has anything. I think AJ can agree to this, anything that uplifts and inspires and can touch us in our core of our hearts and minds.

(34:10):
She is something good and something beautiful and she has a beautiful soul, even just in the brief moment that we were able to connect with her.
And that is Courtney Boyer.
She is a relationship and sexuality expert.
She has an MED in human sexuality and MS in mental health counseling.

(34:37):
She's a great writer and a great writer.
I am the author of the book, not tonight, honey, why women don't want sex and what we can do about it.
And I shared it in the interview, but I also want to share it now.
My poor, my poor husband, when he saw that this book was coming.
Was like, is there something wrong?

(35:00):
I just liked him because he cares enough to make sure, but I just, it was comical and cute and sweet and adorable, and I wanted to say that.
But back on to Courtney, she lives in Germany with her husband and her children. She's a certified to Reiki practitioner.

(35:21):
She has a social social media presence and she has a website, which we will post on our blog with a link of it from our social media account and from also wherever you listen to our podcasts so that you can connect with her because she is a fountain of wisdom and knowledge.

(35:44):
I'm excited to talk with her today. Like you said, she's so amazing. Her energy is just so bubbly and she's great.
She's wonderful. And then AJ wanted before we dive in wanted to share something from her book.
Yeah, so her book is amazing. I highly recommend everybody go read it. It's available on Amazon.

(36:10):
If you have their what is it called? Amazon unlimited.
Whatever you can do that ebook or you can order it.
Yes, I did the ebook.
Just because I read so many books.
My house would not be able to handle physical books. So I'd have a library.

(36:31):
With plants are the same like I'm like, oh my book, baby.
But keep going.
I prefer physical books, but I, I can't.
I can't.
Anyways, there is a little section in her book that I just really needed to share with you guys because it really stood out to me and it says a powerful woman is free. She doesn't live a life of obligation.

(37:02):
She makes decisions based on her values.
She spends her time doing things that are life giving a powerful woman isn't someone who is willing to be controlled by societal expectations or social norms.
When a woman prioritizes her wants and needs, it creates a ripple effect of peace and love around her.

(37:23):
And it shows the next generation that you can create a life you truly love.
Like that. That's beautiful. I just wanted to give you that before we go into our little interview with Courtney.
Well, like you said, it's a beautiful message and a beautiful book and I hope you all enjoy.

(37:49):
Without further ado, let's dive right in.
Diving in Splish Splash.
Splish Splash. We're diving into the main topic.
So Courtney, what is your message to the world?
What is my message to the world.
I would say that my message is that everyone is worthy and deserving of pleasure.

(38:14):
I love that.
Simple, super simple.
Yes. Yeah, because I believe that a pleasured woman is a powerful woman and powerful women can change the world.
Well, yeah, because she's confident and comfortable with herself and her own skin. I know in your book, you mentioned that there was a time period in your life that you weren't even comfortable with your own body.

(38:50):
Can you go into that for those that maybe are feeling that way?
Yeah, so I grew up in the evangelical Christian Church, where there was a lot of emphasis on distrusting the body.
And I wouldn't say the word disconnecting from your body, but there was just a lot of shame around females and their bodies.

(39:13):
And so I also had a mom and dad who were very conscientious of appearance and lots of emphasis on looking attractive and clean and presentable and thin, is really being smaller.
And so I felt for a really long time like I was never thin enough or pretty enough or physically appealing enough and would not appreciate my body and not want to be in my body and want to change my body and just try to be somebody else that I wasn't.

(39:51):
And I think that that's pretty common for a lot of women and men as well. But yeah, definitely something that I've seen with clients and friends throughout the years.
Is that the moment or is there a different moment that pivoted you towards this path of where you're helping others?

(40:14):
Yeah, so I think that I've had several moments that have kind of shifted me and a little bit farther down and then the road will fork and then I'll go a different way, but still kind of on that path to wanting to help others.
I got into, oh man, I think, originally, when I became interested in the sexuality field I was in college, and I was, you know, always had this passion for helping others but wasn't really sure in what capacity that was.

(40:50):
And then I took a gender politics and law class and read the women's room and it totally changed my life. And I realized like, man, we are not we as you know Christians and people in the church at the time, like we're not talking about sex, like,
not only that but the messages that we are receiving are incredibly harmful. And so that's, you know, really what led me down that path of studying sexuality and, you know, wanting to explore, you know what this field was about.

(41:20):
I just didn't know as to what capacity that helping look like. And so then I just kind of kept going along and along and then it was in 2017 when my dad died, and that's really what kind of helped me be like, when we don't address our traumas,
when we try to outrun our demons and shove them down.

(41:43):
And that was a point where you just can't do that anymore because my dad was 62 when he died, and really could have been prevented. And so I thought that was I think probably one of the biggest turning points for me and wanting to be more, I guess, serious,
or more passionate about the work that I do after having gone through that loss.

(42:05):
So was that kind of when you started to think of the mirror exercise that you talk about? Or did you kind of start doing that beforehand?
Yeah, so mirror work.
For those who aren't familiar is where you literally stare into a mirror, and like, talk to yourself, or, you know, do certain, examine certain things but really it's about connecting with yourself but facing yourself in a mirror.

(42:33):
And I learned about that, gosh, probably when I was in graduate school, so like 2010. So I'd say a fairly significant time before that, but I didn't really incorporate a lot of mirror work into my work because I was really heavily trained in cognitive behavioral
therapy, which at the time was pretty much the gold standard in therapy. That's where you like, the belief is you change your thoughts, you change your feelings, you change your actions, and so those are all connected.

(43:04):
I was, I was reading that part, oh my, oh, that's gonna be hard.
Was mirror work so effective because of the eye contact that you make with yourself? Maybe? That's a really great, I think that yeah, it's having to like physically face yourself.

(43:27):
It's like we, it's a lot easier to just, you know, spout things off when we don't have to actually see the words leave our mouth, or we don't have to, like, look into our own eyes.
It feels so much more intimate and vulnerable having to be your own witness to the words that you're speaking.

(43:50):
Yeah.
I think that's, that's the most difficult part for me.
And probably a lot of women.
Yeah.
I think a lot of, you know, again, especially women that I found that they don't ever really look at themselves in the mirror, like they'll look at certain aspects of themselves, like, like how does this sweater fit, or like, do I have something on my face, or, oh I notice a wrinkle or gray hair.

(44:21):
Yes, or, or, yeah, to go but, but even then, like, I don't, I think, because I mean I used to do that a lot like I look in the mirror and I would like pinch like parts of my body that I thought were too big or not, or too fat or whatever it was.
And so, but I would really kind of focus on one physical thing to witness yourself and to look at yourself, beyond a physical being like that's really very not common, but like you just, we don't take the time to do that to be like, man, like, you're, you're pretty amazing.

(44:57):
And just saying that to yourself, or like, I love you, or like, I think you are just an incredible woman. Right, those words you say that to yourself, and you're not focused on fixing or evaluating or examining a physical attribute.
Like, that's just not common.

(45:19):
Yeah, I think it's something that we don't get.
It's kind of what you said about the generational traumas, I think it's something that we don't are educated to do to have a conversation with ourselves.
Yeah, absolutely not. And I think there's also the message to that, you know, not to be proud. You know you don't you don't look at yourself in the mirror and be like, damn I look good today.

(45:46):
Right, like nobody teaches you to say that it's much more like, you need to be humble like the only reason why you need to talk about yourself or like, you know, things that you need to work on, or, you know, like you're this like constant work in progress and,
you know, somehow by acknowledging that you're like, pretty or awesome or fun or just feeling fabulous for the day it's just, it's so frustrating that yeah that we don't teach ourselves or talk to ourselves about how we can do that and really like

(46:20):
be our own best friend.
Acknowledging our accomplishments that's something that I'm working on.
Great.
It's definitely hard.
Yeah, because we don't want to be seen as boastful we don't want to be seen as proud because then we think that well then that will make other people uncomfortable and like I think I'm better than them, and then they're not going to want to be my friend and then I'm

(46:50):
going to be alone and die alone, right like that's kind of what the brain is essentially that's the
spiral.
Yes, you spiral and, and I think that that becomes normalized in our society and so when you find people, especially women who feel confident enough to be like, yeah, these are the things I'm really proud of, it feels uncomfortable, because we're not used to having those

(47:15):
conversations.
I think we, I think you briefly touched on it. When you mentioned your dad passing.
So young, and so sorry to hear about that.
So those those traumas.

(47:48):
And those romantic relationships with others you know those traumas have a play a key part in that.
Oh, absolutely. So if you've experienced the world, and it is an unsafe place, then your brain is going to do everything it possibly can to keep you safe and not have those things happen again.

(48:11):
And one of the most unpredictable things are other people.
You know, like, because I can't control them, I can't predict, they may leave me one day, they may hurt me. And so, if I don't feel those big T, you know like big T traumas are referred to as like, you know, surviving a sexual assault being a survivor of war, you know,

(48:36):
physical abuse, those kind of and then the small T traumas which are being bullied, a parent's divorce, you know, an unexpected death as you know, suicide, those kind of things.
And if I don't address those, then that kind of just infiltrates my brain of, and really saturates it of okay, I'm hyper vigilant I have to be aware all of the time and protect myself from all of these things because this thing was so painful before, we don't want to go through that again.

(49:09):
And so, like putting up barriers, walls around you like no I'm not going to deal with that.
And everything could be fine.
But you know, I'm not going to deal with that that totally makes sense. Yeah.
Yeah, absolutely. It sounds like an episode that we talked about where we were like, we resist change for so long like,

(49:34):
and then when it comes to like, why didn't I do this sooner.
Yeah, because and I actually was talking to a client about this the other day.
He's in a really unhealthy and toxic relationship and I told him, I said you're settling for unknown hell, then choosing to explore an unknown heaven.

(49:57):
And he was like, absolutely I am. Yep.
And that's fine. Like, I'm not here to tell you that you need to change or you need to do X, Y or Z.
I just want you to bring some awareness like that's the choice that you're making.
Because a lot of us don't really realize that like, yeah, I'm settling for this hell because I know it, and it feels safe.

(50:18):
And I think sometimes, from my experience, if you're always in a survival kind of blinder kind of side things on your, you need somebody to tell you like look above. Pull those off.
Yeah, it is hard to thrive and create a life that feels abundant and pleasure filled when you're in survival mode.

(50:42):
And what, in your opinion, is the most common reason that we are not trusting our intuition.
So I think like well especially for me, like, and a lot of the people that I have worked with is, you know, we have grown up in a society, especially when I grew up in a very religious society where it was discouraged to think for yourself.

(51:09):
You, you, your desires cannot be trusted, your body sure as heck can't be trusted. And so we, the authority, we're going to tell you the things that you need to do, and you need to trust us.
So all of the decision making is come, it comes externally from your parents, from your pastor, your priest, you know, your school teachers, all those things.

(51:30):
No one is ever teaching you to turn inward and say, what are those desires with, and I'm not talking sexual desires necessarily just all desires, right, all interests, all things that bring you joy.
Very, very few people are told to tune into that and to listen and to follow that. Instead, it's you can't trust that it's going to lead you astray, it's going to tempt you, it's going to lead you away from God or you know the church or whatever it is.

(51:56):
And so when you grow up with that message, it's really hard to like tune back in unless, you know, like, it's kind of like, okay, I'm not a musical person. This is a kind of a bad example but there's some people that are really like, they can hear note on a, on a piano
and they're like, oh, that's a sharp whatever I don't know I don't even know that's a thing.

(52:19):
Oh, that's, that's okay good. So like, oh, that's out of tune that's flat. Nope, that's sharp, you know, and because they've learned to tune their ear to hear that some people are naturally really connected with that.
I'm not one of those people. So, that is something that I would have to learn, but that's a good example of how we become disconnected. And we have that ability to tune in.

(52:44):
It's just some of us, it was kind of discouraged from an early age and it's a skill that we have to come back to, but really easy to do. If it's something that you are, are wanting.
I always had conflicting.
I had found my family taught me to think for myself.

(53:07):
But within within their means of thinking for myself.
Yeah, you know, yeah because I don't want to be not us.
Yes. And people don't want to be. Yeah, they don't. Your ability to think critically is only go so far as they like trust you.

(53:30):
You. Okay, you can think critically here, but not if it is like against a B or C then like now you're just getting crazy, you know, like, yeah, we can't have you going, you know, like, way off, way off the market.
Yeah, you can be here, you can be your own self, but I need you to live your life in this way.
Exactly.
Because, because being because the reality is being who you are is really inconvenient for a lot of people. It is a lot easier for me to control you and say, you have to play within the these boundaries, you have to play within this box, because then I can control you, I can predict your behavior.

(54:08):
I know what to expect out of you. I know what you're able to provide for me. It's scary when when you can't do that.
Is that I guess that's probably why sometimes we shy away, like you said before, of being our authentic selves, all the time, and have our different hats for. Yeah, each situation.

(54:39):
Yeah, absolutely, because we know that and especially if we've conditioned other people to expect us to show up a different way. That's why when I work with individuals who are in a like a long term like who are married, for example, you know, one of the first questions
I ask is, you know, what is your partner's thoughts on you, seeking help and like wanting to improve yourself, because you're going to change, and they may not like the changes that they see in you.

(55:09):
And so, knowing that, because if you've been a doormat for your whole relationship, if you've been a people pleaser, and suddenly you're like you know what, this isn't working for me anymore. You're no longer the person that your partner wanted you to be that was convenient for them.
And so now you're going to have to force them to change, because when they ask you, for example, if you're always like, Yep, I'll do the dishes and clean this and do that and do all of the things, and now all of a sudden you're saying you know what actually like I want to split, I think, I think our load needs to be shared 5050.

(55:43):
And they're like, what, what, I don't have to start increasing my workload like, of course you're going to get pushed back. That doesn't feel good. That is like conflict and a lot of people don't like conflict and so then instead of making those changes, they go back to the way it was because, again, it's a known how.
And when I say how it doesn't mean you have to be like in a terribly abusive, you know, torturous relationship. But if it's not in alignment with who you are and who you're meant to be.

(56:15):
It is a form of health to me. Yeah.
Yeah, makes sense.
Thanks.
Is it so you mentioned you know, having that conversation with your partner, you know, getting, I don't want to getting help but that implies that you need help, but maybe it doesn't but to me it's like, oh, you should get help.

(56:40):
But you need help.
But really, past Thomas coming out here.
Is the you know getting help. Is that something that can help you married or couples in long term relationships or relationships in general is that the thing that can keep them in their healthy relationship, long term and keep their romantic life healthy.

(57:15):
Not just romantic, but they're, you know, relationship. Yeah, there's a relationship in general, healthy and happy.
And because I feel like
you have your relationship in general and then if the relationship is not

(57:38):
thriving, then it affects your romantic relationship.
And so the two are obviously tied together. So if you know you, you yourself are not
working on yourself, of course, then you are not giving 100% to your relationship.

(58:01):
So, getting help for yourself and for your relationship. You know everything is all tied together wouldn't you say, right.
Yeah. And what would you say I guess what would you say is, what should they do to help keep the relationship.

(58:23):
I don't want to say alive, but you know, healthy.
Yeah, I think so the first part I think what you were kind of asking is,
what I have found is that when one person chooses to work on themselves.

(58:45):
I believe that like, okay, I can, I can raise the quality of the stuff that I'm offering to my partner now right, I'm more patient, I'm more kind I am more connected with who I am like those are all great things that should write all high tide should raise all ships.
But what I have found is that a lot of times when we aren't growing together, we end up kind of growing apart.

(59:14):
And I mean, and there's I think there's the sphere that if I grow, I was actually talking to a different client about this the other day, who she is finally after years and years, studying that she wants to make some changes.
And I said, you know, maybe one of the reasons why you're struggling to implement some of these things that we're discussing is because you're afraid of the impact that it's going to have on your relationship on your marriage.

(59:40):
And she said, Yeah, because he's not changing. Like, he's not doing.
I gosh I remember like 10 years ago I worked with this couple and this woman, the wife had lost like 100 pounds, like she just was super into getting healthy and was really committed to like a really being active healthy lifestyle and her husband was still, you know,

(01:00:03):
in the unhealthy. And those were her words unhealthy lifestyle that they had been in before. And so she was in a very different place than him, and it caused her to resent him because she wanted to be here, and he was way over here.
And so then we have this huge disconnect and a re re prioritization of, you know what their role, their relationship was about, and how they connected they didn't connect over food anymore they didn't connect over shows anymore, because she didn't want to

(01:00:34):
do those things right she wanted to go to the gym she wanted to go for a hike she wanted to make salads and not, you know, eat a cake, whatever it was that they were doing.
And so that happens. And so I think that when people are wanting to go down a self development or mental health, you know route that it's really important that they're aware that when I make a change.

(01:01:00):
Ultimately, it is for the better for the long term, but the short term, I'm going to have some growing pains that are probably going to be really uncomfortable for a lot of people.
And that doesn't mean that your relationships can't survive through that they can't get better from that, but I think it's a disservice from practitioners or therapists or coaches whoever that they don't acknowledge that reality that there can be a rift in

(01:01:24):
relationships when one person chooses to grow and another does.
Yeah, I think I personally experienced that.
I think in previous previous relationships actually plural.
And it's hard, and you. It is hard. Yeah, and you had asked, I think that kind of the second part of that was so how do we keep, you know, a relationship thriving how do we keep connected.

(01:01:53):
And one of the things that I try to go back to when I work with couples is, you know, what's the purpose of this relationship.
Like, what, what, why are you together, what's the goal here.
Do you have a mission statement, do you have like a finish line that you're aiming towards, and not that everything has to have like mission vision and value statement and all of these amazing things and like a whatever but I think that we get into romantic relationships

(01:02:21):
and just kind of assume like, especially marriage like well we're just stuck with each other till death do us part and like, I guess we'll throw in some kids and like just kind of 50 years later, clock out, you know, right, like, and for me, I think it's, I'm not, I'm not interested in a life like that
like I want to live intentionally. And so that requires me to really evaluate like, hey, what kind of relationship I'm in right now with my husband with my friends with my partner whatever you know whatever it is, like, what is the purpose of that, what role does that play in my life.

(01:02:55):
And so then, how can, depending on how I answer it, how can I align those values that I have so if I want to be in a marriage where there is romance or there is sexual activity or there is passion or whatever it is that I'm wanting, like, how do I go about obtaining
that creating that sustaining that.

(01:03:19):
And then go about doing.
Thank you. Yeah, that was was a roundabout way of asking my questions I appreciate you being able to decipher what I was saying to say, I was like, it was making sense in my brain but I couldn't get it to come out.

(01:03:43):
Yeah, I realizing that I definitely have experienced that and it makes sense.
And I think that's part of my, my fear of not wanting to go in. I'm single, and I don't want to go into another relationship because of those past.

(01:04:10):
What you said was a small T trauma.
You know, it just didn't work because of me wanting to.
You had a big T.
Well the small T of me wanting to needing to grow, grow up, and them in my, like my ex husband, not, not needing to grow up, you know, and like that so.

(01:04:42):
But, yeah.
And that's where I disagree because I feel like you were a victim in a lot of those situations, but that's just my.
In your book, you did mention how it's good to look at our past traumas and do like an acceptance of it. Yeah, and and not shame the counter of what happened but accept it for what happened, and to heal properly.

(01:05:17):
Absolutely. Yeah, because what I've noticed is that if we do not feel our traumas, they will continue to show up until we finally address them.
And so really what what I see is like when we get triggered by something I like to call triggers our teachers.
So when we see when we're triggered by something like that is it's like Courtney pay attention, this needs to be healed this needs to be worked through. And if that don't get my attention, that usually turns into a relationship or situation that is really

(01:05:51):
not good, because I can continuing this pattern. It's like, you know, if you have girlfriend or friends who like they continuously date cheaters.
And you're like, what, why do you keep attracting men who are just cheating on you over and over again. And you're like, because you're not getting the message you're not learning, like you're not healing from whatever it is it needs to be healed.

(01:06:17):
So until you do, you're going to continue to do the same thing with just a different face.
That makes sense.
So you talked about living your authentic, true self.
And what are some of the things that we can do to get to know ourselves beyond that mere exercise.

(01:06:46):
So that we can live an authentic self.
I think, paying attention to your desires.
When we see our desires as the doorway to really our destiny.
That allows us to figure out who we are, and what we want, and where we're supposed to go, which is tied into connecting with our pleasure and when I say pleasure I don't mean just sexual pleasure and anything that brings you joy or happiness, because I truly believe

(01:07:18):
that that things that bring us pleasure, that is really the pathway to our purpose.
And those are the things that lead us to like, yeah, like this is why I'm here. This is what I'm supposed to be doing. These are the things that, like, allow me to be myself and it's so different for, you know, every person I think of my husband to, you know, he just loves medicine,

(01:07:42):
right, and he's a physician, his desire is to help people, my desire is to help people, but the way that we experience pleasure is very differently. And so he feels pleasure when he's, you know, in the ICU and running vents and doing all those things, and like that is his pathway, that desire, like that is what

(01:08:05):
propels him to his purpose. Whereas for me I'm like, I don't even understand what this means, like this just does not make it, this is not my purpose, there is no way I'm going to have any future with these machines and numbers and whatever you're talking about.
And that's okay, that's what makes humanity so diverse and so beautiful is that we all have these different desires and pleasures that define who we are, and those, when we connect with those we connect with our authentic self.

(01:08:38):
I like that.
Okay, bye, I'm going to go try to figure that out.
Yeah.
But that requires us to spend time with ourselves, and that requires us to start to look within. And again if you have been raised in a situation where all of your life you've been told what to do, what you're expected, this is how you show up.

(01:09:06):
You look to others for answers you don't look within, that can be really overwhelming and scary to start to have to turn, turn within and to really be like, well, I don't, I don't know what I like.
I think I talked about this in the book.
I asked a client, like, so if you could, you know, do anything for a day, like what would you do. And she had absolutely no idea. And so then I made it okay broke down I was like, if I said what do you want to, where do you want to go for dinner.

(01:09:36):
Where would we, where would you go. And she's like I, I don't know, I, I have no idea, I'm always because I'm a mom I'm used to asking everybody else I don't.
I don't know what kind of flowers I would buy myself. Like I just have no idea I've never really taken the time to get to know myself and to really connect with me.
And so if that is that your you know your experience, one, it's normal, because again, we're not raised to look within, we're raised to look up and out.

(01:10:07):
And so I think it's important that we give ourselves grace and grace and then decide. Okay, like, maybe I need to like tune in and figure out what I'm all about, and what it is that I really want.
I think sometimes to cut yourself some slack to, you know, yeah, give yourself some grace, seriously.

(01:10:31):
Was that your part of the book I'm trying to remember because I had written down our bookmark the pleasure practice was that was that the part, or is that a different part, because I
did not make it a to do. Yeah, it was the pleasure practice I love that idea but to elaborate a little bit more on the pleasure practice, and then, do you have any advice on those who, like me, who love having to do lists, and how we

(01:11:18):
can not just treat it as another thing to another thing to just do and check off on their to do list.
Yep, absolutely. So, the pleasure practice is just a term that I coined, where you figure out ways to incorporate pleasure into your day and into your life.

(01:11:39):
And so the way you do that is by identifying things that bring you pleasure and practicing them. So it can be something super simple like, okay, in the morning, I love coffee, and instead of just like rushing through my day and like yep I gotta like,
get this, get the kids off blah blah blah get in the car and go to work, it's, I'm going to sit here and just hold the cup in my coffee, hold the cup in my hands for like 30 seconds, and really just inhale the aroma and really just savor the sensation

(01:12:10):
of the liquid in my going down my throat or sitting in my mouth or the flavors that are evoked when I swallow. Like, can it be sexual? Sure, yeah, but like the point of it is to really be present and connect and define those small little things
throughout your day that bring you joy, and to do that again and again and again and that is how you create a pleasure filled life is you prioritize the things that bring you joy and bring you happiness, and you just keep doing them.

(01:12:40):
So if you find yourself with like, okay, so Courtney says I have to do a pleasure practice, get out my pen and put it on my to do list, right.
So first of all, I want to ask, why do you have a to do list? Is it to prove that I'm being productive? Is it to really just keep myself accountable? Is it to show like these are all the things that I did today look at how good I am.

(01:13:06):
I think that there's, you know, people have to do lists for different reasons. And so I would, that would, if you were my client, that would be one of the things that I ask you is why do you, what is the purpose of your to do list?
I think sometimes it's because, especially if we're coming from the world of living somebody like what everybody else wants you to live, you can prove that you're doing stuff, you're not just sitting there doing nothing.

(01:13:36):
Yeah, because heaven forbid you just sit and do nothing and enjoy this life, right, right, because then I, because then I don't, I'm not proving my worth.
I'm proving that I deserve to be here and proving my existence. Or maybe it's a little bit of that is a bigger issue that we have to deal with.
The to do list is just an expression of me feeling like who I am isn't enough. I have to prove my existence instead.

(01:14:05):
That used to be why I did a to do list, and then it's more now so that I don't forget.
I think it's a little bit of that and keeping myself so I don't forget what I need to do and then at the end of the day, go look what I did.
100%. I think if it's a tool for accountability, that is different than a means of proving my existence and proving my worth and showing whoever, myself, maybe or other people like, you know, like we love, especially as moms to wear busyness as a badge of honor.

(01:14:45):
And so if I can show you all of the things on my to do list and all the things that I have to do and all the things that I accomplished and I can talk super fast and do all those things, blah, blah, blah, right?
That means that I'm important. That means that like all. No, no, we, we get to define what's important.
We decide that we matter. We freaking matter.

(01:15:07):
We have to shift away from feeling like I have to be a human doing and be a human being.
Yeah, it's like sometimes my boys there were teasers in our family, but he'll he'll tease something about child abuse and I'm like, well, maybe it's actually parent abuse right now.

(01:15:33):
And he's like, what do you mean by that? And I'm like, well, I'm a person and you're not being kind and that's not okay.
Absolutely. Yeah, anything. So
that's a great reminder. I think too. Yeah, that's something that I try to remind, especially my son.
I have three kids. My oldest two are girls.

(01:15:55):
Excuse me, I have to remind my son sometimes that like I'm a woman, like I know you're 10, but like the way that you talk to me and treat me and the expectations you have like that matters or how where you touch my body or, you know, like those things.
There's boundaries and I want to model that for you now so that you know how to helpfully interact with girls and women as you age.

(01:16:22):
Same with my, my boys like some well my youngest.
He does a little bit more but occasionally he'll be like, Oh, I just left the dish there for you to take care of and I'm like,
Oh, you're just as able to put it in the dishwasher as I am.

(01:16:44):
Yeah, and you're there doing it right now.
So breaking those I think I'm going back to, you know, I don't want to say pathway because it still happens now but the defined roles of and how it's so embedded.
It's just our generation that's facing it past generations like you brought up in the book and it's future generations that we're trying to break down certain things are past generational traumas.

(01:17:17):
We're trying to break down like for my family.
My grandma is the one that stopped physical abuse.
You know, she's one that she did it in the beginning because that's what she knew and then she was like, I don't, I don't want to do this.
This isn't healthy.
This isn't good.
My dad stopped the verbal yelling the out.

(01:17:41):
Because he saw how scared I was when when he did it.
And like I'm trying to break the. You're not good enough. You have to prove yourself kind of mold, which is hard because you're like, that's the default in your brain.
Absolutely. Yep. That's yes.
But for for those of us that are trying to break those generational traumas. What are some of the things that we can do to kind of keep us from wearing down I guess.

(01:18:16):
Yeah, I mean, I think that to know like, yeah, it's an uphill battle, you know, like to not be like, oh my gosh, this is going to be like such a piece of cake, like I'm just going to like knock this out in a few days and you know, okay, well that's very ambitious of you.
But, you know, you're dealing with right a lot of times generational patterns generational, you know, traumas and habits and that is not always easy to break.

(01:18:41):
And so I think knowing that level of support that you need. So, if you are somebody that. Okay, like I've got a pretty good understanding and like I just I maybe I just need a little bit of accountability, then you like, find a mentor find a coach, you know, find a therapist
that you see once a month.
I kind of, I, it's similar to me, somebody that would hire like a personal trainer, like if you have a pretty good understanding or like you were an athlete growing up or even in, you know, most of your adult life, like you're probably not going to need a personal trainer

(01:19:14):
to like sit there and hold your hand I mean maybe you do maybe you want them to keep you accountable and so you're like, every week I need to check in with a personal trainer or twice a week.
And I know that I just show up better and I have more strength and I have a better workout. And maybe you just need a check in like an oil change once every you know, 6000 miles.
It's, it's really, but I think that not having a game plan and not having respect, a support system, whether that's a small group, whether that's a professional therapist, whether that's a pastor whether that's a accountability partner.

(01:19:51):
Life is not always easy. And depending on the level of trauma and history and the amount of baggage, right that you have. There's nothing wrong with getting help and getting that support.
And so I think that having that consistent support in your life is so, so important.

(01:20:15):
Sorry.
How do we overcome the stigmas of getting said help, you know, because it's different than going to a doctor for some people.
So how will we do that for for ourselves.

(01:20:37):
I think it depends on, you know who you're trying to destigmatize it with. Is it yourself, is it your spouse, is it your mom, is it, you know, your church, it like where, where does that stigmatization come from.
And then, how true is it.
One of the things that I sometimes forget is I have the ability to be like, wait, is this like, is this even true, like where this belief comes from or whatever the other person's belief come from, and then I consider like, what value do I place in the person

(01:21:13):
that's applying that stigma to me. If I'm not the one right if I'm the one that has the stigma where I'm the one that's struggling with asking for help. That's a little bit different but if it's somebody that's like, well if my girlfriend knew that I was like,
talking to a therapist like they would think I'm, you know, like, unstable or whatever and then they wouldn't like me anymore.
But I, you know, that's different than like, oh, I think that there's something wrong or broken within me. And that makes me bad and therefore like I shouldn't need help.

(01:21:43):
I shouldn't need to go out and talk to somebody about it. I think those are different, you know, cases. So how do we break those down in our society I guess would be the best or the better question for me.
Yeah, I think we just, we have to be brave, and I wish that there was like an eat like a less scary answer. But when we are brave enough to be like, I need help or like my marriage is struggling, or my kid is a hot mess, and I need help, like, I remember

(01:22:16):
this daughter, where my oldest was born, and actually had two friends that had kids really like babies really recent like right around the time when she was born, and they, their kids slept through the night like that.
And I didn't grow up babysit like I had really no freaking clue how to be a mom, like I was like this can't be that hard like I'm an intelligent human I'll wing it.
And I could not figure out how to get my daughter to sleep like I was like, I was so freaking tired so finally after like three or four months of not ever really sleeping.

(01:22:48):
I hired a sleep consultant to a newborn sleep consultant and I felt like the biggest failure, because I didn't know how to get my own child to sleep.
Like, there, it's like nobody told me that I had to like, but that was a message that I had internalize, and it wasn't until I was brave enough to say, I don't even care if people think I'm the worst mother in the world because I don't know how to get her

(01:23:15):
to sleep.
Like, I'm so desperate.
The problem is that when we wait for desperation to seek help. It's usually so much worse, you know, you know, think about if you're trying to lose 100 pounds versus 10 pounds, like the amount of money, energy, time.

(01:23:39):
It's so significantly different. And that's one of the things that I get really discouraged with with couples is when they wait until it's either reaching out to somebody like me, or the divorce lawyer.
And when you're at that point, your marriage your relationship so far gone. It's really hard to turn that ship around. Is it possible. Anything's possible. Absolutely. I always tell the couples I work with that.

(01:24:06):
But is it, but are you worth, are you willing to put in the amount of time, money and energy it requires to make those changes when you're literally at the brink of the solution.
Yeah, if you have enough energy to get it through.
And so I asked really simple questions I'm like, on a scale of zero to 10 how motivated are you.

(01:24:30):
Like how motivated are you to save your marriage.
Because like, I'm not going to do, I can't do the work for you and one I wouldn't do the work for you.
And if you're like I'm at a five, I'm like then you're wasting your time.
Because there's, there's no point.
I'm a very straightforward person I'm like, there's no point in me not being completely honest with you I worked with thousands of individuals and couples like.

(01:24:58):
I can tell pretty immediately like if this relationship is going to get fixed or not, or worked on or whatever the words you want to use improved saved.
But the, when they have to admit that like, I, I'm like a four.
Like I could take it or leave it.
And like, okay, like, you can pay me, and we can go through the motions for the next six months, but like, it's not going to make a difference.

(01:25:27):
Well, if your minds already set up that's going to happen.
This is exactly 100% zone. Yeah, that makes sense.
I have to tell you guys the cutest thing so.
My husband forgot that we were talking to you today. And so when my book came, he was like, Is there a problem.

(01:25:50):
I didn't know what he was talking about first he's like I just saw that you had ordered a book and I was like I order books all the time.
And so, yeah, I was like, and he's like, Is there a problem and I was like, what, what, you have to tell me what book first.
And then I realized, you know, and so I spun around he's like, Am I a problem.

(01:26:27):
I think one of my favorite parts of reading the book was that it was geared towards married, and I could as an unmarried person I could take away from it just as much as a married person could you know it was good that was the best part.
We're all in different relationships not even just marriages but like we have lifetime friendships we have, you know, our, our children that become our friends, hopefully.

(01:26:58):
So I think we can all relate to it and it's written to where everyone can relate to it. Your poor husband. That's, that's great. I've actually had a lot of men read the book and reach out to me and because it's not written to men, it's written to people who tend to
identify as female. And so, um, I, it's been really great to see the takeaways and the conversations that they'll have with their female partners, because of the book, and that was something I honestly hadn't considered, and was really, I've been really thankful

(01:27:33):
for that.
Yeah, I just by reading some of the stuff that you went through like, I was like, Oh, uh, that explains why maybe I have a harder time talking to men is because of, you know, for so long in our religion, you know you're, you have to kind of stay away from them.

(01:27:55):
They have cooties.
And, and if you don't, something bad might happen. I even made a note in one of the tabs that I remember even to this day how the young women are young women's leaders.
I think it was one of the first girls in our group that got married.

(01:28:19):
And we were at a, our little her little bachelorette party that they threw for her. And it was such like our brains were like,
like, we're not supposed to do this but now go ahead. What is going on.
Yeah, the confusion the mixed messages it's like I don't know anymore.

(01:28:42):
I was talking with.
When she was dating her now husband, and they had this, the men and the women divided.
I was like, I'm a college age, you know, people are 20 year old something. And this woman got up and spoke and she was saying you know like you're not going to feel like wanting to have sex, all of the time.

(01:29:13):
But that's your wife Lee duty.
And I just was like, yeah, that one. Yes, that message was absolutely told me in very various ways. But I thought like, you know, when that is the only source of information that you have because you come from this such a close community.

(01:29:34):
The only people that you, the only married people that you know are the people who are having sex that you know, are on a stage telling you that like, sometimes you just got to suck it up and like, spread your legs like that's just the way it is like, no wonder there is
a lot of men disassociation. Just, just all the depression. Yeah, so many things, because that's the message that you get.

(01:30:05):
I understand that I have a friend who
I have a friend, but she, she, she couldn't have babies and I mean she went to the point where I've almost losing her life, trying to have them.
Because of that was the next step, you know she was married, and now she has to have kids.

(01:30:28):
And yes, yeah, she wasn't fitting in that cookie cutter mold and absolutely destroying herself from inside out.
So, I, so hard to watch, because you want to help. You don't know how to help the kind of thing but yeah, absolutely. Since she is good, so everyone knows.

(01:30:50):
Good.
It's, it's interesting to watch how our upbringing has so much to do with what we're going through now. And it kind of reminds me of how, you know, I'm a, I'm a nature person I love gardening I love being outdoors and just watching the cycles and, you know, the seeds that we

(01:31:12):
plant, they come to fruition and so when we're sitting here thinking, you know, how can we be this way and all of those things will kind of what you mentioned in your book and, and everything is you take the time to sit down and plant those seeds of what we want,
looking in the mirror and things like that and then we watch it come to fruition. Or, yeah, sometimes it doesn't work and we just have to replant it again and again.

(01:31:39):
Yeah, until it does take hold.
Absolutely. Yep. And to be aware of the kinds of seeds that I am planting. Absolutely, and realize like I can't be surprised that if I'm sewing corn seeds that I'm not getting watermelons.
Yeah, that's a great way of putting it.

(01:32:01):
I know that we're kind of running out of time here but I really this is, I want to I should have asked this in the beginning, but I was so interested in this, and I'm probably going to mispronounce this, you're a certified to.
Is it right, right, right, right, right practitioner. Yeah, what is involved in that, and what made you want to pursue that like I'm fascinated I'm fascinated with this.

(01:32:28):
Yeah, thank you. So I, I grew up in a very like the idea of energy work, the idea of chakras the idea of sexual I mean none of that right was even allowed yoga was considered you know like satanic.
And so I was very like hardline also very academic. So anything that was not measurable that was not, you know, peer reviewed, whatever, like I just kind of like whood whood at it and wasn't interested.

(01:32:58):
And then my dad got sick and died.
And went to the doctor and they're like, we ran all the tests there's nothing, there's nothing wrong with you, like you're not allergic to anything in the world like you just aren't. And I was like, I don't understand, like, and then they kept coming back, and I was like,

(01:33:29):
Okay, I'm not getting my answers from Western medicine, I, and I'm tired of itching, all of the time. So I need to find the answers. And that's really what led me to look at like non Western approaches so I started with acupuncture and went there
and then my acupuncturist was like hey have you ever like tried Reiki and I was like, I don't even know what the hell you're talking about like it's something with chakras and weirdness and like I just thought it was like the most bizarre thing until I went and had a session

(01:34:00):
and it was, it felt like a massage for my soul, like that's the best way to describe it. And I started to really explore the non traditional ways of healing.
So looking at, you know, how energy gets stuck in our bodies and how memories and traumas can get stuck in our bodies and how you know there's we have the opportunity to move that energy and to connect with it and to befriend it and.

(01:34:28):
So, essentially, there are three levels in Reiki and that's just, it's a Japanese form of like energy work. It's similar to, like, the scene, the life force with inside of you and this energy and so you go through an attunement and a certification

(01:34:51):
and, you know, how much you want to get into it and there's like level one level two and then there's a Reiki master. And, you know, different levels allows you to more training to do different things and stuff but yeah it really just resonated with me,
and I felt this like connection to it and it made sense and once I got acupuncture and started doing Reiki like my, I haven't had a hive since. And so I found that the more connected I am with my, with my body and, you know, doing Reiki really allows me to be connected

(01:35:24):
in that way. And for other people it's different things that allows them that but for me that's what really resonated and.
Yeah, I.
That's how I got into it.
That's cool. Yeah. Beautiful.
Thank you. Thank you for sharing that.
Oh yeah, no, not a problem.
And can you tell us where our listeners can find you.

(01:35:50):
Yes.
So, they can find me in Germany.
And then also, I'm at Courtney Boyer coaching Courtney with a C on Instagram, LinkedIn, Facebook, my website Courtney Boyer coaching.com.
You can, you can find me there. Wonderful.

(01:36:12):
And we'll make sure to include all of those links on our. Oh great. Thank you. Absolutely.
Absolutely. Is there anything else you'd like to say to our audience.
Yeah, I think probably what I started off with, like just a reminder that you are so deserving and worthy of a pleasure filled life, and that that is really your birthright and something that I hope that you pursue, because we need more people who are connected

(01:36:46):
with the things that bring them joy and love and spreading their, their joy and shining their light.
Thank you so much for joining us today.
Great conversation I really learned a lot.
Thank you. Yeah, it was wonderful.
Well, you have a good one. Thank you.

(01:37:08):
It's a throwdown. It's a challenge. We've got something for you.
All right. All right. Do you have a challenge for us.
I do.
So, again, in Courtney's book.
There is a little section that says that little girl is still inside you. That little girl is still you find her and set her free.

(01:37:41):
So we want to challenge you to take some time to have a conversation with our conversations. Yeah, how many you ever need. Yeah, you might be more than one. Yeah.
You're like me, you probably need more than one. Well, I think you should be conversing with yourself often.

(01:38:02):
Oh yeah yeah take some time to have those conversations with yourself to find you. Your authentic, true self.
So with that, we love you.
We're grateful for you.

(01:38:23):
And we hope you have a blessed day.
And we also wanted to say that if you have experienced any of our challenges or q&a is that have helped you.
Email us and let us know how or what you're working on to implement them.

(01:38:45):
So we can share your wisdom and tips with others.
But just let us know which challenge or q&a you're responding to.
Definitely. We always love to hear from you.
Ciao! Talk to you next week.
Thanks for hanging with AJ and A-Rae. We hope we've brought a little fun, sass, and joy into your lives.

(01:39:08):
For more information about our episodes, us, and what we may be up to, please visit our website at wanderingmusings.my.canva.site. That's wanderingmusings.my.canva.site.

(01:39:29):
If you enjoyed this episode, please like and subscribe to us wherever you listen to your podcasts.
Cheers to womanhood!
Ciao!

(01:39:59):
Thank you for your support of our podcast.
Original music composition written and performed by Gregory Anderson and used with permission from Anderson Media.

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