February 18, 2024 • 24 mins
When Ohio native Dana Ozak was brought home on her mother's birthday, little did she know that her life would unfold as a tale both profound and inspiring. Our latest Wandering Tree Podcast episode encapsulates Dana's journey as an adoptee, weaving through family dynamics, identity formation, and the ceaseless quest for belonging. Her narrative is not just her own but echoes the experiences of many who've grappled with the complexities of adoption—a story punctuated with familial pride and the inevitable curiosity about one's origins.
Settle in as we navigate the nuanced roles that birth order and adoption play in a family. Dana candidly recounts how being the eldest daughter influenced her position within her family and, more intriguingly, how it intersected with her identity as an adoptee. The emotional resonance of her quest to unravel her biological roots is palpable, especially when sealed records and the search for resemblance reveal heartrending truths and unexpected connections. Dana's discovery of her biological father's identity exemplifies a profound balancing act between the pull of nature and the shaping hands of nurture.
Our conversation culminates with Dana sharing the emotional whirlwind of reuniting with her biological family. The breakthroughs and the setbacks, including the bittersweet knowledge of a brother passed and siblings found, craft a narrative so rich that it becomes universally moving. We're honored Dana chose to share her story with us, and by doing so, she offers a beacon of hope and understanding for others navigating the emotional waters of adoption. Her courage in sharing her story is a testament to the strength found in the search for one's roots and the power of family, both given and chosen.
Website: https://girland4families.com
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Find your people, cherish your people and love your people.
#adoptee #adoptees #adopteevoices #adopteestories #adopteestrong #adoptionreality #adopteejourney #adoption #wanderingtreeadoptee
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:05):
And the first thing that we did, of course, was
Google my biological mother'sname.
There was no biological fatherat the birth certificate, so we
Google her name and the firstthing that we found was her high
school picture and in the face,like I have her nose, I have
her eye.
In the face we look almostexactly the same.
Speaker 2 (00:35):
Welcome to today's episode.
I am honored to have with meDana Ozak.
She is an adoptee from the Ohioarea.
She was born in St John'sHospital in Cleveland in the 70s
and adopted through CatholicCharities.
Welcome to the show, Dana.
Speaker 1 (00:53):
Hey, thank you, Lisa.
Speaker 2 (00:54):
Well, why don't we go ahead and jump in a little bit
here and tell our listeners abit about your adoptee story and
journey?
Speaker 1 (01:03):
I always knew I was adopted from day one.
My mom and dad took me home onmy mom's birthday, and so she
tells me, like a lot of times,that it was, like her, the best
birthday present that she evergot.
She was told that she wouldn'tbe able to have children at all.
She suffered severalmiscarriages.
(01:24):
Little did she know.
A couple years later, threeyears later, she got pregnant
with my sister.
My sister was born perfectlyfine, no issues, and then, seven
years after that, she hadanother child, my brother Matt.
Much later on, I found mybiological family.
I found out they have a totalof four brothers and one sister.
Speaker 2 (01:48):
Well, you know, I find your front end of your
story very interesting becausewe have a lot of parallel in our
journeys.
We're about a year apart in ageand we have the similarity of
infertility and someone adoptsand then they learn later they
can have a child and then it'llnever happen again.
(02:09):
And then a few years later ithappens again.
So we have that in common and Iremember when we were prepping
for this episode, it was justlike one of the key things.
I thought well, that binds us alittle bit, because it's nice
to have commonality and someonethat understands that journey,
or that portion of the journeyanyway.
Well, how about you tell us alittle bit about, as you were
(02:30):
growing up, how you approachedlife as an adoptee, under the
premise that you've known for aslong as you can remember?
Speaker 1 (02:38):
I, since my parents never, ever kept a secret from
me, I didn't believe they shouldbe kept like a secret from the
rest of the world.
So it's like you know, justabout everybody they talked to
knew that I wasn't an adoptee.
And I do remember one time whenI was in grade school I went to
Catholic grade school I wasbullied by one of the boys in my
(03:00):
class who told me that no, no,no, no.
There's no way that you'reyou're adopted.
You look so much like you're,like your mom and dad, like your
sister and your brother.
There's no way.
And he actually wanted to seeproof that I was adopted and I
told it to my mom.
I was just like devastatedbecause I was.
I don't know.
Maybe I thought they was like alittle bit proud of the fact
(03:22):
that I was adopted and when wewere like you want this proof
that I was adopted, why should Ishow that to me and my mom's
over here, like you know what?
Just ask them for proof that itwas boring.
So I was never ashamed of her orafraid of it and everything I
thought.
I thought that was cool and Iwas never treated like different
from the rest of my family.
(03:42):
I was treated equally my mom.
They were more of a perspectiveof me versus my brother's
sister and I've talked this overwith like several family
members.
I was like the oldest girl, soI got.
I couldn't get away with asmuch as my brother and my sister
is my brother and my sistercould.
My sister got away with like alot more than I did, and then my
(04:05):
brother, my parents would havewent with murder and everything
you know.
Speaker 2 (04:10):
Yeah, it's interesting how that works.
Birth order and then you put onthe layer of adoption.
It is a really unique dynamicand I have often wondered if
those are the family memberswhere you should be talking
about or studying the nurtureversus nature aspect of it.
Yeah, because you know, I justthink back to my own childhood
(04:33):
and we were raised by the samepeople.
For the most part we wereraised with the same rules.
I would agree with you.
you know, in the construction ofbirth order I didn't get away
with a whole lot, but I alwaysattributed that to being the
oldest not necessarily being theoldest only girl and adopted
yeah, very interesting.
Well, as you were going throughjust kind of normal childhood
(04:57):
in the context of the definitionof as normal as possible, not
getting too deep into that Tellus a little bit about how you
felt in terms of your biologicalfamily and did you wanna find
them.
And when that decision cameforth, how did you approach it?
Speaker 1 (05:15):
I know I was always curious, but I didn't have, I
didn't know how to go aboutdoing it at all.
When I was part of like a groupof where they blocked off like
the birth certificates, and mymom, yeah, got an amended birth
certificate with their name onit, I didn't even know how to go
(05:35):
about like looking, I didn'tknow what steps do I take, where
do I go, and I didn't reallyget like super, super curious
about it until I got pregnantand I wanted to know, for the
sake of you know, like for thesake of my kiddo and everything,
what do I have in my healthhistory?
What I needed to know, morethan I wanna say.
Like seven or eight years ago,the state of Ohio finally opened
(05:59):
up the original birthcertificates to the children
born in 1970s and when I sawthat they were down online and
I'm over here like I need to dothis, I need to know, and the
first person that I called wasmy mom and dad and I'm over here
like I don't wanna do thiswithout you, okay, but I feel
like I need you, like I have toknow, and my mom is over here
(06:21):
like Dana.
I always knew that this daywould come and she goes.
If you wanna do this, I'm 100%behind you.
If I were in your shoes, Iwould wanna know too.
So we paid like like $10, likeregistered letter and the mail
and everything sent away for it.
Three weeks later I got myoriginal birth certificate with
my birth mom's name on it.
(06:42):
My husband opened the mail thatday.
He was all excited for me andeverything.
We opened it up together andthe first thing that we did, of
course, was Google my biologicalmother's name.
There was no biological fatherand the birth certificate.
So we Googled her name and thefirst thing that we found was
her high school picture and inthe face, like I have her, I
(07:02):
have her nose, I have her, Ihave her eyes.
In the face we look almostexactly like.
There was no doubt in my mindthat she was my biological
mother.
And then the second thing thatwe found was her obituary.
So I was crushed.
I thought you know where do Igo from there?
Speaker 2 (07:17):
So yeah, and that's a that is a crushing moment to to
get to that point and know thatyou're not going to be able to
talk to the person or be giventhat opportunity to ask the the
multitude of questions that wetypically have as we're going
through this.
Just to dev summarize a littlebit in this and maybe ask one
(07:40):
more question just around thattime period the picture of your
birth mother.
Was that really your first timelooking at someone that looked
like you and seeing the geneticmirroring?
Was that your first opportunity?
Speaker 1 (07:55):
Oh, yes, definitely.
I was always told that I look alot like my, like my adopted
mom, and I kind of see it too,because we have like the same
eye color and everything.
But then when I saw the picture, it's just like, oh my God, it
was just, it was a shock and asurprise and just like all those
, all those emotions, it wasjust like looking in the mirror.
Speaker 2 (08:17):
Yeah, it definitely can be a little bit unsettling.
I can relate to that as well.
You have the original birthcertificate.
We call that the OBC.
You have a name.
We Google, we get a picture, weget an obituary.
Where did you go from there?
Speaker 1 (08:34):
Reading through the obituary after, like the initial
truck, I saw that I had asister out there.
I had a.
I have sisters and I also sawthat I had an aunt that was
still alive.
I got her name and everythingand I used Kayahoga County Ohio
voters registry to look up heraddress online and I sat with
(08:55):
the information I wanted to takefor like a good year.
I didn't know how to how towrite her.
I didn't even know what sheknew about me or not.
I didn't know how to contacther, how to reach out to her.
And then it was New Year's Eveand I just thought to myself you
know, I got to do this.
I have to do this now.
My only resolution that year wasto write a letter to my aunt
(09:18):
Jill.
So I sat down, I wrote theletter out.
I got like a really goodfeedback from some family and
some friends about it and so Iwrote it up, mailed it to her,
sent her a picture of myselfthere was no denying just to
prove, maybe just to prove toher that I'm not making this up.
And I heard that from herwithin like I want to stay like
(09:41):
five days.
She called me like five daysafter she got the letter and she
told me um, dana, I kind of hadlike suspicions growing up
because she was a lot youngerthan my biological mother.
I can't get some suspicionsgrowing up that something was
going on.
And yes, I am your aunt, you dohave a sister, you have a lot
of cousins out there and shegoes and I think I might
possibly know who yourbiological father was.
(10:04):
So she gave me a name rightaround that time.
Since there wasn't a name formy biological father, I asked my
husband if he could get me anancestor or a DNA kid for my
birthday.
I didn't get any hits off of itat first, but I used the
database part of it to look upthe names of the biological
(10:24):
father that my anchovy, andafter I did that I found his
death certificate too.
He passed away as well.
Speaker 2 (10:30):
That's kind of a brick wall.
Yeah, that's definitely a brickwall.
Well, how did you start workingaround the things that you
found along the way up to thispoint?
Speaker 1 (10:42):
Well, my anchovy being some information on some
of my cousins, and I reached outto them and found like a few of
them on Facebook.
I had messaged my biologicalsister.
I don't know if she even gotlike the first message that I
sent her I didn't care from her,like you know, like until like
a little bit later I reached outto one of my cousins.
(11:04):
His dad reached out to me andhe goes Hi, dana, I think I have
like a little bit moreinformation for you regarding
your biological father andeverything.
You wanted me up for dinner andI'm over here like yeah, that
would be awesome.
And so we met them for dinner.
He was very kind, very nice.
He gave me a family tree andthen he was like I'm very, very
(11:28):
interested in ancestry andeverything and he asked to see
my DNA profile.
So I showed it to him and acouple days later he calls me
goes, dana.
The more I thought about it,you would have more more Eastern
European if this guy, mita, wasyour biological father, because
he was straight up from Serbia.
He had emigrated from Serbia.
(11:49):
I thought about that.
I thought about that and Ilooked up through my DNA count
one more time.
It can't hurt to do anothersearch and I found a parent
child Well, and I'm sure thatwas a very stunning moment.
Speaker 2 (12:03):
under all of the other research, you had done the
direction your maternal aunthad set you on.
Now you're shifting and there'sa human who's alive.
Speaker 1 (12:14):
Alive.
Yeah, he lost his ancestrycount so he didn't have, like
the the the pain version anymore.
But he wanted to leave me likelittle breadcrumbs.
He left me the link to hisLinkedIn profile.
You know, I think he was kindof like waiting for me to
contact him.
I didn't know how to contacthim.
(12:35):
I didn't know exactly what tosay to him, so I called my uncle
.
I don't know what to do with it.
I don't know how to contact him.
I don't know if he even knewabout me.
I don't you know how do Icontact this, this John, this
John guy?
Uncle Steve goes.
So, dana, do you want me tocontact him for you More?
Really, yes, please.
So it turns out that theyactually went to the same
(12:56):
college together.
Uncle Steve was able to get hiscontact info through the alumni
and he called him for me.
Women, like, maybe about likefive, five days later I was on
on St close to St Patrick's Day.
His wife called me back.
Back then I had a really badcase of flare and jelly is like
a barely talk, probably from mykids.
So I worked because I'm I'm a,I was a toddler teacher at the
(13:20):
time.
And she goes on.
Dana, I don't want you to talk,I just want you to listen
because I know that you knowyour voice doesn't have to it.
She said Uncle Steve, talk toyour, to your biological father.
He's always known about you, orat least he's like like some
hints about you.
He does want to reach out toyou and call you, but he has a
lot of family members that shewants to tell.
(13:42):
First, you have four brothers,four half brothers.
Through him, my biologicalfather called me like on right
on St Patrick's Day.
We talked for like a a, a goodlike hour or two.
He told me that when mybiological mother was pregnant
with me, he met her for lunchbecause he was getting ready to
move away.
(14:02):
And I'm slamming up with her.
He knows that she was pregnantand she told him oh, you know,
don't worry about this, it's notyours.
She also told him right there.
And then she she just decidedthat she was going to give me up
for adoption.
She rushed him up.
He went up, moved away, gotmarried, had my four half
brothers and everything.
But like in the back of hismind he always wondered and he
(14:24):
didn't know for sure until hegot that DNA test.
It turns out that both him andhis wife Got DNA tests for
Christmas.
I got mine for my birthday, sothat's why I didn't shop right
away, that's why we had to waitand everything.
And then, little by little, Istarted getting hold of, like my
other family members, of myBrothers.
(14:45):
They were wonderful, they werewelcoming my youngest half
brother, jason, who I justRecently lost.
He just recently passed away.
He told me on right off the batand, dana, I always wanted his
sister.
He's like growing up in thehouse with like um, with four.
Four brothers I ever wanted wasa sister.
And I told him, jason, you haveme forever.
(15:05):
Now I'm, you know I'm not goinganywhere.
And my brothers were verywelcoming.
I met a cousin who's a truckdriver who travels all over the
place and everything.
She was very welcoming.
Speaker 2 (15:16):
Well, I think we're going to touch on a couple
different things from thatportion of your story.
The first is you makingconnection to you're now for
sure, for sure, biologicalfather, learning that you
actually come from a fairlysizable family, that are
(15:37):
accustomed to all their cousinsand they're aunts and their
uncles.
But for adoptees, we have atendency to be a little
overwhelmed by those, the numberpeople.
Yeah you have some sadness inyour story.
You touched on it a little bit,and so I'd like to give you
some opportunity to talk aboutyour brother Jason.
It is a recent event.
(15:57):
Why don't we just take a fewmoments and pay some tribute to
him and give you opportunity totalk about him?
Speaker 1 (16:03):
Thank you for that.
Jason was Upgoing, going, justvery, very Mubbing, just very
caring.
His last text to me was me andmy husband were up in Detroit
for the Metallica concert and hewas.
He was worried because one ofhis friends had moved from
Detroit that Down to Q Westeverything and he goes dating.
(16:27):
You know, I'm worried about youto stand safe over there, make
sure that you don't bring apurse to the concert and make
sure that you always look aroundso that just that just goes to
show the kind of person that hewas.
He was always looking out forlike, for like everybody else
and just outgoing.
And my husband told the story.
He went down to Orlando oncefor work and I couldn't go
(16:51):
because I had to work, and so myhusband just met up with with
them and they went to like um, Ithink, like a, like an
Applebee's bar together justhanging out at the bar and then
Jason just like sitting therechatting up the waitress Like he
could talk to anybody and it's.
We met six years ago at aChristmas week.
(17:12):
We traveled down to Q us and hetold me that, like them, it was
this Christmas present thatyear and Christmas is very, very
hard for you know, the wholeholiday season is gonna be hard
now because Jason lovedChristmas.
Speaker 2 (17:26):
So it's hard with us, take a brief minute and allow
you to collect a little bit ofyour thoughts, and you know I'm
glad that you had thatopportunity, through this
journey, to find that person andto find those siblings that
truly embraced you and kept youclose to their heart and allowed
(17:46):
you to build that Bond thatyou're talking about, and you
know our condolences to you andyour family for that loss.
I know it is not something thatanybody wishes for us learning
and making connections.
So again, well wishes to yourfamily and condolences.
Speaker 1 (18:02):
We always some being Jason always taught that, that
we felt like we were ripped offon time.
You know, like us finding eachother, like like later Jason
ever got to see my kid when hewas younger.
All my brothers weren't at mywedding, so it's like we felt
like we were ripped off on time.
I don't think that that six,going on seven years was enough
(18:23):
time to spend with like I wouldgive anything for For more time
with them, but I'm I'm kind oftrying to stride like the grief
with gratefulness thing.
Of course I'm grieving mybrother how can I not?
But I'm grateful for the timethat we did get together.
Like when, when they look back,nice, see all the stuff that we
did together, everything fromyou really want to see the
Christmas story house when hecame up here for for Cleveland.
(18:45):
So we flew to the Christmasstory house together when we
were down in in QS we went to gosee there's how many way house
together, all the things that wedid together.
You know, all those wonderfulmemories.
That's, that's what I hopethose to my heart for always.
Speaker 2 (18:59):
It's okay to be grateful for the things that we
do have.
It's okay to find joy in those.
I'm looking, you know, into thenext few years.
I want to find joy in thisprocess.
I do not want to be in what Icall the abyss forever.
Speaker 1 (19:14):
Because if you think too far down the abyss you can't
get up and everything.
So I have I still have likethree wonderful brothers.
I'm very close still to Jason'shusband she has so it's like
we're still in touch and I'mchecking in on him because it's
like I'm really worried abouthim.
Jason had a twin brother,jeremy, and I'm constantly
checking in with him and makingsure that he's okay Because you
(19:36):
know they were, they wereidentical twins.
They had like that you know theintense bond that nobody else
had.
Jeremy told me just like acouple of days ago you know he
looks in the mirror now and it'sjust him.
So when I tried to tell him,it's like no, you know, you've
got us too.
You've got all your siblingswho love you and everything.
I know that.
I know that it's not the sameas having Jason with you, but
(19:59):
but you do have support and youdo have family.
Speaker 2 (20:01):
As you move forward and continue to grow in those
relationships.
Can you talk about some of thechanges how you view yourself or
how you view your identity?
Speaker 1 (20:13):
The biggest change is I kind of like learned that,
like maybe I'm like a little bitof both the nurture and the
nature, because I did find outthat my biological grandmother
was a school teacher.
For many years she was asubstitute teacher and I'm a
preschool teacher.
I did also meet up with my,with my sister, and when I
(20:34):
finally did meet up with my halfsister, we sat there and we had
like a like a good discussionon Tim Burton and Tim Burton
movies and everything, becauseshe's she got like the whole
spooky side to me and everything.
So it's like I found out thatit's not necessarily one or the
other, it's both.
I'm the person that I am and Ihave all this love in my heart
(20:55):
because of how I was raised,from my genetics background, you
know.
Speaker 2 (21:00):
So let's talk about what is on your horizon.
You have been working on amemoir, I am, so tell us just a
little bit about that activity,where you are headed with that.
Speaker 1 (21:13):
I am working on a memoir called A Girl and Her
Four Families, because I don'tbelieve I'm just like the sum of
one family.
I believe that, like I'm a sumof like all these wonderful
families who I am, I'm includinglike a little bit of info about
.
You know, the family that meand my husband create together,
the family that I married into,my adoptive family, my maternal
(21:37):
family and my maternal family.
I believe that all that is thesum of who I am.
Speaker 2 (21:42):
Give me a little bit about your why.
Why did you want to write abook?
What is it that you want it todo for?
Not only, maybe, yourself, butothers?
Speaker 1 (21:52):
Basically, I wanted to write a book because I know
that there's a lot of adopteesout there who might want to know
, but they're afraid.
They have that fear of, likethe whole fear of rejection.
What if my biological familyrejects me and I was very lucky
and blessed on that because it'slike I never.
(22:14):
I didn't see any of that, youknow, but I wanted to kind of
give them hope that, even thoughI went through the whole roller
coaster of emotions withthinking that my biological
father was dead and finding outthat my biological mother was
gone, and now, even with losingmy brother, I wouldn't have
(22:35):
traded like any of theexperiences.
I wouldn't have traded any ofthat for the world and
everything you know.
I think that it changed me,like in a positive way.
I just want to, I want to tellthe world that you know, don't
let fear hold you back, don'tyou know?
Don't be afraid to try it.
Speaker 2 (22:55):
I think those are very salient points and good
things for adoptees to take intoconsideration, based off of
your lived experience.
As we, as we were working tokind of close out, I like to
talk about connection tocommunity.
What are some of the waysyou're connecting to the adoptee
(23:16):
community?
Speaker 1 (23:17):
A lot through their Facebook.
I'm involved with a bunch ofadoptee groups and when I lost
my deaf mother and everything, Ifound like droves and droves of
support who understood whatit's like to be tea on that time
with a family member andeverything and lose them, to
(23:38):
connect with them like that andthen to lose them.
So all of them are justwonderful.
I never had like a negativeexperience in any of the groups
that I've belonged to.
It's all been pretty positive.
Speaker 2 (23:50):
Facebook and some of the groups are great catalysts
into the community and findingconnection.
It's nice to be in fellowshipwith people that get it too.
Yeah, oh, yeah.
Well, I want to thank you somuch for coming on the show.
It is a true privilege for meand an honor to have adoptees
come and share their personalstories, but, more importantly
(24:13):
for today, your willingness tocome and talk about not only
your adoption journey data, butalso your living in the moments
of grief, and that's hard toshare.
So big hugs to you.
Speaker 1 (24:26):
Oh, thank you.
Speaker 2 (24:27):
Thank you, lisa, yeah , and I wish you such great
success.
You are always welcome here tocome back anytime.
Thank you, thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you for listening totoday's episode of Wandering
Tree Podcast.
Please rate, review and sharethis out so we can experience
the lived adoptee journeytogether.
Want to be a guest on our show?
(24:48):
Check us out atwanderingtreeadopteecom.
And the first thing that we did, of course, was
Google my biological mother'sname.
There was no biological fatherat the birth certificate, so we
Google her name and the firstthing that we found was her high
school picture and in the face,like I have her nose, I have
her eye.
In the face we look almostexactly the same.
Speaker 2 (00:35):
Welcome to today's episode.
I am honored to have with meDana Ozak.
She is an adoptee from the Ohioarea.
She was born in St John'sHospital in Cleveland in the 70s
and adopted through CatholicCharities.
Welcome to the show, Dana.
Speaker 1 (00:53):
Hey, thank you, Lisa.
Speaker 2 (00:54):
Well, why don't we go ahead and jump in a little bit
here and tell our listeners abit about your adoptee story and
journey?
Speaker 1 (01:03):
I always knew I was adopted from day one.
My mom and dad took me home onmy mom's birthday, and so she
tells me, like a lot of times,that it was, like her, the best
birthday present that she evergot.
She was told that she wouldn'tbe able to have children at all.
She suffered severalmiscarriages.
(01:24):
Little did she know.
A couple years later, threeyears later, she got pregnant
with my sister.
My sister was born perfectlyfine, no issues, and then, seven
years after that, she hadanother child, my brother Matt.
Much later on, I found mybiological family.
I found out they have a totalof four brothers and one sister.
Speaker 2 (01:48):
Well, you know, I find your front end of your
story very interesting becausewe have a lot of parallel in our
journeys.
We're about a year apart in ageand we have the similarity of
infertility and someone adoptsand then they learn later they
can have a child and then it'llnever happen again.
(02:09):
And then a few years later ithappens again.
So we have that in common and Iremember when we were prepping
for this episode, it was justlike one of the key things.
I thought well, that binds us alittle bit, because it's nice
to have commonality and someonethat understands that journey,
or that portion of the journeyanyway.
Well, how about you tell us alittle bit about, as you were
(02:30):
growing up, how you approachedlife as an adoptee, under the
premise that you've known for aslong as you can remember?
Speaker 1 (02:38):
I, since my parents never, ever kept a secret from
me, I didn't believe they shouldbe kept like a secret from the
rest of the world.
So it's like you know, justabout everybody they talked to
knew that I wasn't an adoptee.
And I do remember one time whenI was in grade school I went to
Catholic grade school I wasbullied by one of the boys in my
(03:00):
class who told me that no, no,no, no.
There's no way that you'reyou're adopted.
You look so much like you're,like your mom and dad, like your
sister and your brother.
There's no way.
And he actually wanted to seeproof that I was adopted and I
told it to my mom.
I was just like devastatedbecause I was.
I don't know.
Maybe I thought they was like alittle bit proud of the fact
(03:22):
that I was adopted and when wewere like you want this proof
that I was adopted, why should Ishow that to me and my mom's
over here, like you know what?
Just ask them for proof that itwas boring.
So I was never ashamed of her orafraid of it and everything I
thought.
I thought that was cool and Iwas never treated like different
from the rest of my family.
(03:42):
I was treated equally my mom.
They were more of a perspectiveof me versus my brother's
sister and I've talked this overwith like several family
members.
I was like the oldest girl, soI got.
I couldn't get away with asmuch as my brother and my sister
is my brother and my sistercould.
My sister got away with like alot more than I did, and then my
(04:05):
brother, my parents would havewent with murder and everything
you know.
Speaker 2 (04:10):
Yeah, it's interesting how that works.
Birth order and then you put onthe layer of adoption.
It is a really unique dynamicand I have often wondered if
those are the family memberswhere you should be talking
about or studying the nurtureversus nature aspect of it.
Yeah, because you know, I justthink back to my own childhood
(04:33):
and we were raised by the samepeople.
For the most part we wereraised with the same rules.
I would agree with you.
you know, in the construction ofbirth order I didn't get away
with a whole lot, but I alwaysattributed that to being the
oldest not necessarily being theoldest only girl and adopted
yeah, very interesting.
Well, as you were going throughjust kind of normal childhood
(04:57):
in the context of the definitionof as normal as possible, not
getting too deep into that Tellus a little bit about how you
felt in terms of your biologicalfamily and did you wanna find
them.
And when that decision cameforth, how did you approach it?
Speaker 1 (05:15):
I know I was always curious, but I didn't have, I
didn't know how to go aboutdoing it at all.
When I was part of like a groupof where they blocked off like
the birth certificates, and mymom, yeah, got an amended birth
certificate with their name onit, I didn't even know how to go
(05:35):
about like looking, I didn'tknow what steps do I take, where
do I go, and I didn't reallyget like super, super curious
about it until I got pregnantand I wanted to know, for the
sake of you know, like for thesake of my kiddo and everything,
what do I have in my healthhistory?
What I needed to know, morethan I wanna say.
Like seven or eight years ago,the state of Ohio finally opened
(05:59):
up the original birthcertificates to the children
born in 1970s and when I sawthat they were down online and
I'm over here like I need to dothis, I need to know, and the
first person that I called wasmy mom and dad and I'm over here
like I don't wanna do thiswithout you, okay, but I feel
like I need you, like I have toknow, and my mom is over here
(06:21):
like Dana.
I always knew that this daywould come and she goes.
If you wanna do this, I'm 100%behind you.
If I were in your shoes, Iwould wanna know too.
So we paid like like $10, likeregistered letter and the mail
and everything sent away for it.
Three weeks later I got myoriginal birth certificate with
my birth mom's name on it.
(06:42):
My husband opened the mail thatday.
He was all excited for me andeverything.
We opened it up together andthe first thing that we did, of
course, was Google my biologicalmother's name.
There was no biological fatherand the birth certificate.
So we Googled her name and thefirst thing that we found was
her high school picture and inthe face, like I have her, I
(07:02):
have her nose, I have her, Ihave her eyes.
In the face we look almostexactly like.
There was no doubt in my mindthat she was my biological
mother.
And then the second thing thatwe found was her obituary.
So I was crushed.
I thought you know where do Igo from there?
Speaker 2 (07:17):
So yeah, and that's a that is a crushing moment to to
get to that point and know thatyou're not going to be able to
talk to the person or be giventhat opportunity to ask the the
multitude of questions that wetypically have as we're going
through this.
Just to dev summarize a littlebit in this and maybe ask one
(07:40):
more question just around thattime period the picture of your
birth mother.
Was that really your first timelooking at someone that looked
like you and seeing the geneticmirroring?
Was that your first opportunity?
Speaker 1 (07:55):
Oh, yes, definitely.
I was always told that I look alot like my, like my adopted
mom, and I kind of see it too,because we have like the same
eye color and everything.
But then when I saw the picture, it's just like, oh my God, it
was just, it was a shock and asurprise and just like all those
, all those emotions, it wasjust like looking in the mirror.
Speaker 2 (08:17):
Yeah, it definitely can be a little bit unsettling.
I can relate to that as well.
You have the original birthcertificate.
We call that the OBC.
You have a name.
We Google, we get a picture, weget an obituary.
Where did you go from there?
Speaker 1 (08:34):
Reading through the obituary after, like the initial
truck, I saw that I had asister out there.
I had a.
I have sisters and I also sawthat I had an aunt that was
still alive.
I got her name and everythingand I used Kayahoga County Ohio
voters registry to look up heraddress online and I sat with
(08:55):
the information I wanted to takefor like a good year.
I didn't know how to how towrite her.
I didn't even know what sheknew about me or not.
I didn't know how to contacther, how to reach out to her.
And then it was New Year's Eveand I just thought to myself you
know, I got to do this.
I have to do this now.
My only resolution that year wasto write a letter to my aunt
(09:18):
Jill.
So I sat down, I wrote theletter out.
I got like a really goodfeedback from some family and
some friends about it and so Iwrote it up, mailed it to her,
sent her a picture of myselfthere was no denying just to
prove, maybe just to prove toher that I'm not making this up.
And I heard that from herwithin like I want to stay like
(09:41):
five days.
She called me like five daysafter she got the letter and she
told me um, dana, I kind of hadlike suspicions growing up
because she was a lot youngerthan my biological mother.
I can't get some suspicionsgrowing up that something was
going on.
And yes, I am your aunt, you dohave a sister, you have a lot
of cousins out there and shegoes and I think I might
possibly know who yourbiological father was.
(10:04):
So she gave me a name rightaround that time.
Since there wasn't a name formy biological father, I asked my
husband if he could get me anancestor or a DNA kid for my
birthday.
I didn't get any hits off of itat first, but I used the
database part of it to look upthe names of the biological
(10:24):
father that my anchovy, andafter I did that I found his
death certificate too.
He passed away as well.
Speaker 2 (10:30):
That's kind of a brick wall.
Yeah, that's definitely a brickwall.
Well, how did you start workingaround the things that you
found along the way up to thispoint?
Speaker 1 (10:42):
Well, my anchovy being some information on some
of my cousins, and I reached outto them and found like a few of
them on Facebook.
I had messaged my biologicalsister.
I don't know if she even gotlike the first message that I
sent her I didn't care from her,like you know, like until like
a little bit later I reached outto one of my cousins.
(11:04):
His dad reached out to me andhe goes Hi, dana, I think I have
like a little bit moreinformation for you regarding
your biological father andeverything.
You wanted me up for dinner andI'm over here like yeah, that
would be awesome.
And so we met them for dinner.
He was very kind, very nice.
He gave me a family tree andthen he was like I'm very, very
(11:28):
interested in ancestry andeverything and he asked to see
my DNA profile.
So I showed it to him and acouple days later he calls me
goes, dana.
The more I thought about it,you would have more more Eastern
European if this guy, mita, wasyour biological father, because
he was straight up from Serbia.
He had emigrated from Serbia.
(11:49):
I thought about that.
I thought about that and Ilooked up through my DNA count
one more time.
It can't hurt to do anothersearch and I found a parent
child Well, and I'm sure thatwas a very stunning moment.
Speaker 2 (12:03):
under all of the other research, you had done the
direction your maternal aunthad set you on.
Now you're shifting and there'sa human who's alive.
Speaker 1 (12:14):
Alive.
Yeah, he lost his ancestrycount so he didn't have, like
the the the pain version anymore.
But he wanted to leave me likelittle breadcrumbs.
He left me the link to hisLinkedIn profile.
You know, I think he was kindof like waiting for me to
contact him.
I didn't know how to contacthim.
(12:35):
I didn't know exactly what tosay to him, so I called my uncle
.
I don't know what to do with it.
I don't know how to contact him.
I don't know if he even knewabout me.
I don't you know how do Icontact this, this John, this
John guy?
Uncle Steve goes.
So, dana, do you want me tocontact him for you More?
Really, yes, please.
So it turns out that theyactually went to the same
(12:56):
college together.
Uncle Steve was able to get hiscontact info through the alumni
and he called him for me.
Women, like, maybe about likefive, five days later I was on
on St close to St Patrick's Day.
His wife called me back.
Back then I had a really badcase of flare and jelly is like
a barely talk, probably from mykids.
So I worked because I'm I'm a,I was a toddler teacher at the
(13:20):
time.
And she goes on.
Dana, I don't want you to talk,I just want you to listen
because I know that you knowyour voice doesn't have to it.
She said Uncle Steve, talk toyour, to your biological father.
He's always known about you, orat least he's like like some
hints about you.
He does want to reach out toyou and call you, but he has a
lot of family members that shewants to tell.
(13:42):
First, you have four brothers,four half brothers.
Through him, my biologicalfather called me like on right
on St Patrick's Day.
We talked for like a a, a goodlike hour or two.
He told me that when mybiological mother was pregnant
with me, he met her for lunchbecause he was getting ready to
move away.
(14:02):
And I'm slamming up with her.
He knows that she was pregnantand she told him oh, you know,
don't worry about this, it's notyours.
She also told him right there.
And then she she just decidedthat she was going to give me up
for adoption.
She rushed him up.
He went up, moved away, gotmarried, had my four half
brothers and everything.
But like in the back of hismind he always wondered and he
(14:24):
didn't know for sure until hegot that DNA test.
It turns out that both him andhis wife Got DNA tests for
Christmas.
I got mine for my birthday, sothat's why I didn't shop right
away, that's why we had to waitand everything.
And then, little by little, Istarted getting hold of, like my
other family members, of myBrothers.
(14:45):
They were wonderful, they werewelcoming my youngest half
brother, jason, who I justRecently lost.
He just recently passed away.
He told me on right off the batand, dana, I always wanted his
sister.
He's like growing up in thehouse with like um, with four.
Four brothers I ever wanted wasa sister.
And I told him, jason, you haveme forever.
(15:05):
Now I'm, you know I'm not goinganywhere.
And my brothers were verywelcoming.
I met a cousin who's a truckdriver who travels all over the
place and everything.
She was very welcoming.
Speaker 2 (15:16):
Well, I think we're going to touch on a couple
different things from thatportion of your story.
The first is you makingconnection to you're now for
sure, for sure, biologicalfather, learning that you
actually come from a fairlysizable family, that are
(15:37):
accustomed to all their cousinsand they're aunts and their
uncles.
But for adoptees, we have atendency to be a little
overwhelmed by those, the numberpeople.
Yeah you have some sadness inyour story.
You touched on it a little bit,and so I'd like to give you
some opportunity to talk aboutyour brother Jason.
It is a recent event.
(15:57):
Why don't we just take a fewmoments and pay some tribute to
him and give you opportunity totalk about him?
Speaker 1 (16:03):
Thank you for that.
Jason was Upgoing, going, justvery, very Mubbing, just very
caring.
His last text to me was me andmy husband were up in Detroit
for the Metallica concert and hewas.
He was worried because one ofhis friends had moved from
Detroit that Down to Q Westeverything and he goes dating.
(16:27):
You know, I'm worried about youto stand safe over there, make
sure that you don't bring apurse to the concert and make
sure that you always look aroundso that just that just goes to
show the kind of person that hewas.
He was always looking out forlike, for like everybody else
and just outgoing.
And my husband told the story.
He went down to Orlando oncefor work and I couldn't go
(16:51):
because I had to work, and so myhusband just met up with with
them and they went to like um, Ithink, like a, like an
Applebee's bar together justhanging out at the bar and then
Jason just like sitting therechatting up the waitress Like he
could talk to anybody and it's.
We met six years ago at aChristmas week.
(17:12):
We traveled down to Q us and hetold me that, like them, it was
this Christmas present thatyear and Christmas is very, very
hard for you know, the wholeholiday season is gonna be hard
now because Jason lovedChristmas.
Speaker 2 (17:26):
So it's hard with us, take a brief minute and allow
you to collect a little bit ofyour thoughts, and you know I'm
glad that you had thatopportunity, through this
journey, to find that person andto find those siblings that
truly embraced you and kept youclose to their heart and allowed
(17:46):
you to build that Bond thatyou're talking about, and you
know our condolences to you andyour family for that loss.
I know it is not something thatanybody wishes for us learning
and making connections.
So again, well wishes to yourfamily and condolences.
Speaker 1 (18:02):
We always some being Jason always taught that, that
we felt like we were ripped offon time.
You know, like us finding eachother, like like later Jason
ever got to see my kid when hewas younger.
All my brothers weren't at mywedding, so it's like we felt
like we were ripped off on time.
I don't think that that six,going on seven years was enough
(18:23):
time to spend with like I wouldgive anything for For more time
with them, but I'm I'm kind oftrying to stride like the grief
with gratefulness thing.
Of course I'm grieving mybrother how can I not?
But I'm grateful for the timethat we did get together.
Like when, when they look back,nice, see all the stuff that we
did together, everything fromyou really want to see the
Christmas story house when hecame up here for for Cleveland.
(18:45):
So we flew to the Christmasstory house together when we
were down in in QS we went to gosee there's how many way house
together, all the things that wedid together.
You know, all those wonderfulmemories.
That's, that's what I hopethose to my heart for always.
Speaker 2 (18:59):
It's okay to be grateful for the things that we
do have.
It's okay to find joy in those.
I'm looking, you know, into thenext few years.
I want to find joy in thisprocess.
I do not want to be in what Icall the abyss forever.
Speaker 1 (19:14):
Because if you think too far down the abyss you can't
get up and everything.
So I have I still have likethree wonderful brothers.
I'm very close still to Jason'shusband she has so it's like
we're still in touch and I'mchecking in on him because it's
like I'm really worried abouthim.
Jason had a twin brother,jeremy, and I'm constantly
checking in with him and makingsure that he's okay Because you
(19:36):
know they were, they wereidentical twins.
They had like that you know theintense bond that nobody else
had.
Jeremy told me just like acouple of days ago you know he
looks in the mirror now and it'sjust him.
So when I tried to tell him,it's like no, you know, you've
got us too.
You've got all your siblingswho love you and everything.
I know that.
I know that it's not the sameas having Jason with you, but
(19:59):
but you do have support and youdo have family.
Speaker 2 (20:01):
As you move forward and continue to grow in those
relationships.
Can you talk about some of thechanges how you view yourself or
how you view your identity?
Speaker 1 (20:13):
The biggest change is I kind of like learned that,
like maybe I'm like a little bitof both the nurture and the
nature, because I did find outthat my biological grandmother
was a school teacher.
For many years she was asubstitute teacher and I'm a
preschool teacher.
I did also meet up with my,with my sister, and when I
(20:34):
finally did meet up with my halfsister, we sat there and we had
like a like a good discussionon Tim Burton and Tim Burton
movies and everything, becauseshe's she got like the whole
spooky side to me and everything.
So it's like I found out thatit's not necessarily one or the
other, it's both.
I'm the person that I am and Ihave all this love in my heart
(20:55):
because of how I was raised,from my genetics background, you
know.
Speaker 2 (21:00):
So let's talk about what is on your horizon.
You have been working on amemoir, I am, so tell us just a
little bit about that activity,where you are headed with that.
Speaker 1 (21:13):
I am working on a memoir called A Girl and Her
Four Families, because I don'tbelieve I'm just like the sum of
one family.
I believe that, like I'm a sumof like all these wonderful
families who I am, I'm includinglike a little bit of info about
.
You know, the family that meand my husband create together,
the family that I married into,my adoptive family, my maternal
(21:37):
family and my maternal family.
I believe that all that is thesum of who I am.
Speaker 2 (21:42):
Give me a little bit about your why.
Why did you want to write abook?
What is it that you want it todo for?
Not only, maybe, yourself, butothers?
Speaker 1 (21:52):
Basically, I wanted to write a book because I know
that there's a lot of adopteesout there who might want to know
, but they're afraid.
They have that fear of, likethe whole fear of rejection.
What if my biological familyrejects me and I was very lucky
and blessed on that because it'slike I never.
(22:14):
I didn't see any of that, youknow, but I wanted to kind of
give them hope that, even thoughI went through the whole roller
coaster of emotions withthinking that my biological
father was dead and finding outthat my biological mother was
gone, and now, even with losingmy brother, I wouldn't have
(22:35):
traded like any of theexperiences.
I wouldn't have traded any ofthat for the world and
everything you know.
I think that it changed me,like in a positive way.
I just want to, I want to tellthe world that you know, don't
let fear hold you back, don'tyou know?
Don't be afraid to try it.
Speaker 2 (22:55):
I think those are very salient points and good
things for adoptees to take intoconsideration, based off of
your lived experience.
As we, as we were working tokind of close out, I like to
talk about connection tocommunity.
What are some of the waysyou're connecting to the adoptee
(23:16):
community?
Speaker 1 (23:17):
A lot through their Facebook.
I'm involved with a bunch ofadoptee groups and when I lost
my deaf mother and everything, Ifound like droves and droves of
support who understood whatit's like to be tea on that time
with a family member andeverything and lose them, to
(23:38):
connect with them like that andthen to lose them.
So all of them are justwonderful.
I never had like a negativeexperience in any of the groups
that I've belonged to.
It's all been pretty positive.
Speaker 2 (23:50):
Facebook and some of the groups are great catalysts
into the community and findingconnection.
It's nice to be in fellowshipwith people that get it too.
Yeah, oh, yeah.
Well, I want to thank you somuch for coming on the show.
It is a true privilege for meand an honor to have adoptees
come and share their personalstories, but, more importantly
(24:13):
for today, your willingness tocome and talk about not only
your adoption journey data, butalso your living in the moments
of grief, and that's hard toshare.
So big hugs to you.
Speaker 1 (24:26):
Oh, thank you.
Speaker 2 (24:27):
Thank you, lisa, yeah , and I wish you such great
success.
You are always welcome here tocome back anytime.
Thank you, thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you for listening totoday's episode of Wandering
Tree Podcast.
Please rate, review and sharethis out so we can experience
the lived adoptee journeytogether.
Want to be a guest on our show?
(24:48):
Check us out atwanderingtreeadopteecom.
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