April 2, 2024 • 20 mins
We all claim we want to know what our spouse desires until we find out what it is. Then we wish we didn't know because it feels like an expectation we have to take care of. On this episode I emphasize the importance of acknowledging personal choice and responding to desires from a place of love rather than pressure so you can know your spouse's desires without feeling controlled by them.
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(00:00):
I'm jamielynn Stephan and thisis what to want at episode
(00:02):
number 112.
Don't tell me what you desire.
Welcome to want to want it apodcast for women of the church
of Jesus Christ of latter daysaints who are ready to ignite
not only their sexual desire,but all of their desires to
create a more fulfilling lifeand marriage.
I'm jamielynn Stephan.
(00:23):
I'm a certified life coach, awife, and a mother of seven
children.
I'm excited to share my personaljourney to desire with you and
teach you how to desire more aswell Hello, everybody.
Welcome to the podcast today.
Welcome to April.
I am potentially making amistake recording this podcast
while there is a little boy'sbirthday party.
(00:44):
Well, not a little boy anymore.
A teenage boy's birthday party.
Happening outside the door.
So I'm sorry for the backgroundnoise that you may hear, but I
felt like this is a greatopportunity for me to sneak away
and take care of this.
So today I want to kind ofexplore why sometimes we really
don't want to know what someoneelse desires.
Now, this can be anyone thatwe're in a relationship with,
(01:07):
but I really want to mostlyfocus on those people that we're
married to.
Right?
Because we do talk about wantingto know people.
And yet, sometimes we don't wantto know because here's the
dilemma that we find ourselvesin.
We love our spouse.
We want to maybe even love thembetter than we do.
And we want to feel like we arein more positive connection with
them.
We want more intimacy, but weunderstand that to have more
(01:30):
genuine intimacy with somebody,we have to be able to see them
as they really are know them asthey truly are.
And we also have to be willingto be seen and known as we are.
We can't be pretending or lyingabout ourselves.
And I'm not just talking aboutlying about what you spent at
the store today.
I'm talking about the line thatwe sometimes do just to keep the
validation coming from ourspouse.
(01:51):
Right.
Oh, yeah, I'll, I'll do that foryou, but I really don't want to,
and it actually makes me supermad that I'm going to have to do
this for you, but I really don'twant you to be angry with me.
So I'm going to be agreeablebecause then you're going to
feel good about me.
And then I get to feel goodabout me.
And that's just not very honest.
It's not intimate.
So we kind of find yourselves inthis dilemma of, I really want
(02:11):
to feel more connected to you inall the best ways.
I want us to really have anintimate marriage, but.
I also don't really want to showyou what is true and honest
about me, because you might notlike it.
And I don't know if I want toreally see what's true and
honest about you because if Ireally let you show me what is
true and honest for you, whatyou really desire?
(02:33):
It might put pressure on me thatI don't really want to feel.
And that's really what I want toaddress today.
I want to address the pressurewe can feel when our spouse or
someone else close to us tellsus what they really desire or
want.
So here's an example that I seea lot.
You have a woman who says thatshe wants to know her husband
(02:54):
better feel more connected tohim, know his dreams and his
desires.
Right.
But at the same time, she reallydoesn't want to know because if
her husband says to her, Hey,like I want to have more sex and
we're having.
This same woman who wants tofeel like she knows her husband
knows his mind wishes.
She didn't really know this partof his mind.
And the reason is becauseinstead of seeing it, as I know
(03:16):
him, this is me knowing him.
She sees it as an expectationthat she is now responsible to
take care of.
And maybe he does feel that way.
Maybe he does feel like sheshould take care of that.
And maybe he refuses to kind ofsee his side in this dynamic
that they play out.
So maybe she's right.
That there is kind of anexpectation there, but what
happens is she will start to tryto manage.
(03:38):
What he shares with her to keepherself kind of quote, unquote
safe from the pressure ofexpectations.
Instead of opening up to reallyknowing his mind and then
managing herself.
When she feels the pressure ofthe expectations.
And remember, it's her thoughtsthat fill her with that feeling
of pressure.
Like I have to take care of hisdesire.
(04:00):
Right.
It's not the fact that hedesires something that fills her
with pressure.
Hey, his desire is acircumstance for her.
It's it's just neutral becauseif he says to her, I want to
have more sex that would go inher circumstance line of her
model.
Right.
It's neutral.
She could have tons of differentthoughts about it.
She could think I'm so desirableto my husband, or he just can't
(04:22):
get enough of me.
Or I love that he wants me orhe's so selfish or now I have to
take care of his desires.
You know, it's my job to makehis dreams come true.
Or even just that's what a goodwife does.
All of those thoughts are goingto feel different in her body.
But all of those thoughts areavailable to her in that moment.
The trouble is at too often.
(04:44):
We take the dreams and desiresof others and make them
something we now have to takecare of or make happen.
And it feels like so muchpressure.
It feels like we have to put ourown desires aside, forget about
what we want to make them happy.
And of course, in a healthyrelationship, there's always
going to be those kinds ofhealthy sacrifices, right?
Meaning you will often beoffered the opportunity to give
(05:07):
up something you like or want,or even desire for something
even better because it createssomething better.
So it is good to be willing togive up what you want in this
collaborative way.
That brings something betterinto your relationship.
But that's not what I'm talking.
About here.
I'm talking about making costlyaccommodations in ways that make
(05:27):
you feel used or bitter orresentful because you give up
what you want.
Or even who you are in the nameof satisfying the desires of
someone else.
Here's an example that canhappen with your children.
I had a grandmother reached outto me because she kind of felt
really used and overwhelmed bythe expectations of her adult
children.
So they would all come to herhouse for Sunday dinner,
(05:49):
something like that, and whather kids really wanted more than
anything was just to rest frombeing a parent.
They just wanted a break.
Now this grandma loved hergrandchildren.
She loved her children and shewanted to fulfill all the
desires of everybody to get abreak.
But she was like, this feelslike it's out of hand because
not only am I responsible forentertaining these grandchildren
(06:12):
and sometimes a lot of them, I'malso responsible for
disciplining them, for feedingthem, for cleaning up after
them.
And my adult kids are just allsitting around laughing and
chatting and eating and I don'tget to connect with them at all.
And I'm worn out by the timethey leave.
Now, obviously there's aboundary issue here, but it just
highlights what can happen to usas parents.
When we understand the desiresof our children, we can feel
(06:33):
like a good mother or a goodfather.
Father is now responsible totake care of those desires and
make those dreams come true.
Now from the message that I gotfrom her, I think she does want
to support her kids, but shedoesn't want to feel used by
them.
So I'm sure that she kind ofwishes that she didn't really
know that they were coming toher house expecting a break,
(06:53):
because then she wouldn't feelthis pressure to provide that.
I hear of adult children whostruggled, balancing what they
feel like, kind of are thesecompeting desires from their
parents and their in-laws,right?
Like my mom wants us here forThanksgiving dinner, but your
mom wants us here on this dayfor Thanksgiving dinner as well.
And, you know, whatever it kindof is, it just feels like every
invitation is a hugeexpectation.
(07:16):
And the pressure feels terribleas this couple tries to balance
out, taking care of eachparent's desire.
In the church of Jesus Christ ofLatter-day saints.
We have, um, I don't know ifit's called a program.
I guess you could call it thatcalled ministering and everyone
is assigned a woman or a familythat they are.
(07:36):
To visit with and check in onand become friendly with.
And I know this sounds foreignto a lot of people.
And even in the church, thereare people who hate this idea of
assigned friends.
But the hope of it.
I think the goal of it is thatif everyone in the church had a
few people that they werewatching out for, then everybody
would always be taken care ofand no one would ever fall
(07:58):
through the cracks and it wouldreally create this community of
caring.
But how many of us, whether inthis situation or something
similar to this, feel so muchpressure in these relationships
or assignments.
It's like, I'm responsible toask you what you need or want,
like I should ask you, but thenI don't really want to ask you
because that I responsible totake care of whatever you share
with me.
And so to avoid feelingoverwhelmed, but any requests,
(08:20):
we just avoid these people.
Or maybe we have a friend wethink is particularly needy.
And so we avoid them because wecan't hear what they want
without feeling like now I'mresponsible for this
information.
I have to take care of this.
So, how do we learn how tohandle knowing our spouse's
desires or our carrots or ourchildren's or friends, or even
(08:42):
our bosses without feeling likewe are being controlled by that
knowledge now, because that'sreally where our power lies.
Even though in our hearts,sometimes it feels like we'd
rather not know.
We have to acknowledge that.
Not knowing will keep us fromhaving intimate relationships
with people.
And this is especially importantin a marriage.
So even though sometimes we feellike, Hey, could you just keep
(09:03):
speaking in code or justdropping hints?
Because that's way easier for meto ignore and pretend I don't
understand.
Then when you flat out, tell mewhat you want.
Even though sometimes we wouldrather that people would just
keep quiet or drop hints.
We can't control that.
And it's not really fair for usto require that of the people
around us.
And truly, even those of us whodon't really want to know.
(09:25):
We can't stand the hint droppingand it just feels like, just
tell me what you really think.
Tell me what you really want.
This hint dropping is driving mecrazy.
But then once we know thedesires of the other person,
suddenly we feel like, oh crap.
Now I have no choice, but tomake this a reality, and it
leaves us feeling quite helplessand feeling like we're victims
to this other person's wants anddesires.
I hope I'm not totally talkingin circles here.
(09:46):
Maybe this is making sense.
And that brings up a little sidepoint.
I want to make.
When we don't want our spouse tosay anything to us, that we feel
like pressures us and it's goingto end up controlling us.
We will often pressure them ortry to control them to not speak
about what they want.
And we do this sometimes quitefrankly.
Right?
Well, it'd be like, just don'ttell me, I don't want to know,
(10:07):
but more often we do it verysubtly.
if your spouse approaches youabout something you just don't
want to know, because it feelslike pressure.
Do you freak out before theyeven get to kind of enter into a
conversation with you?
Do you essentially tell themthrough your actions that you
can't handle what they're aboutto share or you can't handle
hearing about their desires?
Because when we do that, even ifwe aren't screaming and yelling,
(10:29):
even if we just shut down, weare training them that it's not
safe for them to share what theyreally want.
We teach them really that theyshouldn't.
And so they stopped sharingbecause we've made it kind of
dangerous to do that.
And maybe that works great forus because we don't feel the
pressure that comes from knowingtheir desire.
But in the end does not give usthe intimate relationship we
want.
Does this make sense?
(10:50):
And I hope it makes a little bitof sense, at least, because I
think it's so important to beable to look honestly at
ourselves.
And try to see the ways that wepunish our spouse for telling us
what is true for them or forsharing what they desire.
So back to the question I posedbefore.
How do we learn how to handleknowing our spouse's desires or
our parents or our children'sour friends, our bosses, without
(11:13):
feeling like we're beingcontrolled by that knowledge.
Now I don't have all the answershere and I'm not even going to
try and answer all of it here,but I do think if you spend any
time thinking about this, you'regoing to come up with some
answers that really suit you.
But I think the first thing thatwe can all do is just be more
honest with ourselves.
Be more willing to tellourselves the truth.
(11:35):
No one can make us do or besomething we don't want to do or
B.
Now I know that there are someextreme examples that I wish
were more rare than theyprobably are, where there is
abuse and deep manipulation.
And these are a lot harder tonavigate when you are dealing
with serious mental illness.
But in general, the reason wefeel controlled when we know
(11:56):
what our spouse desires oranyone else that we're in a
relationship is because we'vetold ourselves that we have to
take care of that desire.
We have lied to ourselves andtold ourselves that it's now our
job, to be sure that everyoneelse gets what they want.
And that's just not true.
The more honest narrative isprobably to say.
I know in my logical mind thatit is not my job to make
(12:20):
everyone else happy or to be theone to give my husband or my
children or my mother,everything they desire.
But when they tell me what theywant.
I feel a lot of pressure to takecare of it.
I recognize that it's what I'mused to doing.
I recognize that I have the sameexpectation of other people at
times, and I can see that thisis a dynamic that I am used to.
(12:41):
But even though it is somethingI have felt like I have no
control over in the past.
I know that really isn't true.
I've always had a choice.
I have a choice right now.
And if I decide to try and meetthat desire, I have to own that
I'm choosing that.
Even if my spouse or my mom isputting a lot of pressure on for
me to fulfill this desire, Ichoose.
(13:02):
Now that may seem reallylong-winded and maybe you don't
have to talk that much toyourself, but I am just trying
to demonstrate what it wouldlook like to take a more honest
position.
About this desire pressure,dynamic that you find yourself
in.
This has actually been superhelpful for me and not just in
these types of situations, butwhen I require myself to
acknowledge that I had a choiceall along.
(13:24):
And I made the choice I was mostcomfortable with.
And then I have to own the factthat often that means that I
made the choice.
I felt pressured to make, notthe one I wanted to make.
And doing that, making myselfown it all, even though I can
still feel frustrated and superdisappointed with myself, then I
stopped looking around ateveryone else and blaming them
for making me do what I didn'twant to do.
(13:46):
And I actually just recently hadto go to some people that are
close to me and say, Hey.
I see how I kind of invented astory in my mind about other
people and their expectations ofme.
And then I acted in a way thatwas out of alignment of what I
really wanted out of alignmentwith my priorities.
And now, unfortunately, You arefeeling the effects of the
(14:08):
choices that I made.
And I'm so sorry.
And honestly, I felt sovulnerable during that.
And I had to prepare myself totake whatever came along with
owning that, going and sayingthis and not knowing what
negative feedback I mightreceive.
But at the same time, I justknew that was the right thing to
(14:28):
do.
So I dove into the discomfort,which is so interesting because
as I say this right, I was soworried about the discomfort of
letting other people down.
And in the end, I still had alot of discomfort because I let
myself down and it impactedother people that I hadn't
really considered.
So, I guess this is just thelesson to remember.
(14:49):
I can keep feeling like thedesires of others, control me
and let them control me and livewith the negative emotions.
I feel about that and maybe keephoping that they'll just stop
telling me all these things andI can live a less intimate life.
Or I can choose the discomfortthat comes when I decide that I
am not responsible for meetingeverybody else's desires because
that is going to beuncomfortable to not do what I'm
(15:09):
used to doing.
But if I can be in thatsituation with them in a way
that they can share theirdesires and I can still hold
onto myself and not feelcontrolled by it, there may be
discomfort, but in the end, Ithink it will give me more of
what I want.
And I'm not suggesting thatinstead of allowing yourself to
be controlled by the desires ofothers, you know, swing far the
(15:29):
other way and never do anythingto fulfill the desires of
others.
What I'm suggesting is to dothings for a different reason.
So instead of just creating abunch of pressure in your mind
and telling yourself, oh, I haveto do what they want me to do.
It's reminding yourself that youcan't be everything for everyone
that it's okay for them to maybeeven find another way to address
(15:50):
that desire.
Right.
So maybe when your adult kidscome home, it's like, Hey, you
find a way to give each other arest here, whatever it is, but
they find a way to take care ofthemselves.
And then you look with love inyour heart and ask yourself,
what can I do?
What can I do from this place oflove?
Like maybe right now.
I can't have sex with my husbandevery day and feel loving
(16:12):
feelings for him.
I'm just not there yet, but Ican choose to go all in on the
sex.
I agree to because I do love himand I want to show him how much
I love him in a lot of ways,including in our bedroom.
So he may not get the quantityof sex he desires, but he can
get more of the caliber of sexhe wants.
Or maybe it's, you know what,when my adult kids come home, I
(16:34):
cannot be the sole caregiver.
I.
I wish I could.
I know that's what they want.
but I can't be the solecaregiver and feel loving
feelings towards my kids.
But I can plan one specialactivity that I'm going to do
alone with my grandkids for 30minutes.
Or I'm going to tell my kids,listen, I am providing the
entire meal today.
The prep.
(16:54):
All of it.
That's on me.
You don't have to worry aboutcooking, just come and eat.
But that's it.
You guys have to help withcleanup and you're in charge of
your kids, right?
So it was kind of figuring outwhat you can do from a place of
love.
Now it may not be easy.
It still may require somethingof you, but it will feel
completely different.
When you make it your choice,when you remind yourself, that's
(17:15):
always been your choice and youdon't have to do anything.
And now you just get to do.
What love feels like.
So another thing that can helpyou to be able to kind of handle
the desires of others withoutfeeling controlled by them.
Is to develop a betterrelationship with yourself.
Because the better, you know,yourself.
The more you learn to love andaccept yourself the more
(17:36):
self-confidence you're going todevelop.
Loving yourself helps you loveothers better.
I promise it is true.
But it also helps you have ahealthier relationship with
yourself and that makes iteasier to have a healthier
relationship with others.
Too often, especially when westruggle with our own feelings
of self-worth, we are quick tokind of fold into the people
(17:57):
around us and do what they wantto be, who they want us to be.
And just kind of seek for a lotof validation.
When we get more confident wecan handle more invalidation and
then we feel less pressure to dowhat others want us to do.
We get better at holding ontowho we are and what we want in
the face of someone else'sdesires that may be an
opposition to that, or mayberequiring more.
(18:20):
Does that make sense?
It means you can tell me whatyou want.
And I don't automatically starttrying to figure out how I can
take care of that.
So is that you're not going tobe mad at me.
It's I can hear what you desireand take it in and think about
it and get to a place of loveand decide if there is anything
I want to do and what that mightbe.
Maybe you don't relate to thistopic completely, but I know
(18:42):
there are many of you out therewho struggled to know the minds
of those you love withoutfeeling like it is controlling
you without feeling like now youhave to take care of it.
And if that is true and you'relike, I have been, you really
don't want to know any morebecause it's so much pressure.
It keeps you feeling like youare such a big disappointment.
(19:02):
It makes you feel like you don'thave choices, but I want you to
consider that none of that'strue.
And I want you to open yourselfup to the idea of knowing the
people around you, Especiallyyour spouse and what they desire
and then get yourself intopracticing, holding onto
yourself, knowing what theywant.
You have to practice remindingyourself that you still have a
(19:24):
choice, remind yourself that youwant to respond from love and
not from pressure because it'snot good for anybody.
It's not good for them.
It's not good for you.
And remind yourself thatintimacy is going to really
require knowing someone.
So if you want that, you'regoing to have to start opening
up to hearing all of it andknowing like, what do you
desire?
(19:44):
What do you want?
And how can we work together tomaybe help achieve that without
taking it as now?
It's my job.
This takes practice you guys,but it totally is possible.
I hope that you will start tolook.
At where you are putting upwalls, pushing away, because
you're worried that what you'regoing to find out is going to
control you and remind yourselfit doesn't have the power to
(20:05):
control you.
You have choices.
You can do this, everyone.
Good luck.
See you next week.
Bye.
Thanks for listening today.
If you like what you hear on thepodcast, and you'd like to learn
more, feel free to head over tomy website.
Jamilin Stephan coaching.com orfind me on Instagram or Facebook
(20:26):
at Jamileh.
step in coaching.
I'm jamielynn Stephan and thisis what to want at episode
(00:02):
number 112.
Don't tell me what you desire.
Welcome to want to want it apodcast for women of the church
of Jesus Christ of latter daysaints who are ready to ignite
not only their sexual desire,but all of their desires to
create a more fulfilling lifeand marriage.
I'm jamielynn Stephan.
(00:23):
I'm a certified life coach, awife, and a mother of seven
children.
I'm excited to share my personaljourney to desire with you and
teach you how to desire more aswell Hello, everybody.
Welcome to the podcast today.
Welcome to April.
I am potentially making amistake recording this podcast
while there is a little boy'sbirthday party.
(00:44):
Well, not a little boy anymore.
A teenage boy's birthday party.
Happening outside the door.
So I'm sorry for the backgroundnoise that you may hear, but I
felt like this is a greatopportunity for me to sneak away
and take care of this.
So today I want to kind ofexplore why sometimes we really
don't want to know what someoneelse desires.
Now, this can be anyone thatwe're in a relationship with,
(01:07):
but I really want to mostlyfocus on those people that we're
married to.
Right?
Because we do talk about wantingto know people.
And yet, sometimes we don't wantto know because here's the
dilemma that we find ourselvesin.
We love our spouse.
We want to maybe even love thembetter than we do.
And we want to feel like we arein more positive connection with
them.
We want more intimacy, but weunderstand that to have more
(01:30):
genuine intimacy with somebody,we have to be able to see them
as they really are know them asthey truly are.
And we also have to be willingto be seen and known as we are.
We can't be pretending or lyingabout ourselves.
And I'm not just talking aboutlying about what you spent at
the store today.
I'm talking about the line thatwe sometimes do just to keep the
validation coming from ourspouse.
(01:51):
Right.
Oh, yeah, I'll, I'll do that foryou, but I really don't want to,
and it actually makes me supermad that I'm going to have to do
this for you, but I really don'twant you to be angry with me.
So I'm going to be agreeablebecause then you're going to
feel good about me.
And then I get to feel goodabout me.
And that's just not very honest.
It's not intimate.
So we kind of find yourselves inthis dilemma of, I really want
(02:11):
to feel more connected to you inall the best ways.
I want us to really have anintimate marriage, but.
I also don't really want to showyou what is true and honest
about me, because you might notlike it.
And I don't know if I want toreally see what's true and
honest about you because if Ireally let you show me what is
true and honest for you, whatyou really desire?
(02:33):
It might put pressure on me thatI don't really want to feel.
And that's really what I want toaddress today.
I want to address the pressurewe can feel when our spouse or
someone else close to us tellsus what they really desire or
want.
So here's an example that I seea lot.
You have a woman who says thatshe wants to know her husband
(02:54):
better feel more connected tohim, know his dreams and his
desires.
Right.
But at the same time, she reallydoesn't want to know because if
her husband says to her, Hey,like I want to have more sex and
we're having.
This same woman who wants tofeel like she knows her husband
knows his mind wishes.
She didn't really know this partof his mind.
And the reason is becauseinstead of seeing it, as I know
(03:16):
him, this is me knowing him.
She sees it as an expectationthat she is now responsible to
take care of.
And maybe he does feel that way.
Maybe he does feel like sheshould take care of that.
And maybe he refuses to kind ofsee his side in this dynamic
that they play out.
So maybe she's right.
That there is kind of anexpectation there, but what
happens is she will start to tryto manage.
(03:38):
What he shares with her to keepherself kind of quote, unquote
safe from the pressure ofexpectations.
Instead of opening up to reallyknowing his mind and then
managing herself.
When she feels the pressure ofthe expectations.
And remember, it's her thoughtsthat fill her with that feeling
of pressure.
Like I have to take care of hisdesire.
(04:00):
Right.
It's not the fact that hedesires something that fills her
with pressure.
Hey, his desire is acircumstance for her.
It's it's just neutral becauseif he says to her, I want to
have more sex that would go inher circumstance line of her
model.
Right.
It's neutral.
She could have tons of differentthoughts about it.
She could think I'm so desirableto my husband, or he just can't
(04:22):
get enough of me.
Or I love that he wants me orhe's so selfish or now I have to
take care of his desires.
You know, it's my job to makehis dreams come true.
Or even just that's what a goodwife does.
All of those thoughts are goingto feel different in her body.
But all of those thoughts areavailable to her in that moment.
The trouble is at too often.
(04:44):
We take the dreams and desiresof others and make them
something we now have to takecare of or make happen.
And it feels like so muchpressure.
It feels like we have to put ourown desires aside, forget about
what we want to make them happy.
And of course, in a healthyrelationship, there's always
going to be those kinds ofhealthy sacrifices, right?
Meaning you will often beoffered the opportunity to give
(05:07):
up something you like or want,or even desire for something
even better because it createssomething better.
So it is good to be willing togive up what you want in this
collaborative way.
That brings something betterinto your relationship.
But that's not what I'm talking.
About here.
I'm talking about making costlyaccommodations in ways that make
(05:27):
you feel used or bitter orresentful because you give up
what you want.
Or even who you are in the nameof satisfying the desires of
someone else.
Here's an example that canhappen with your children.
I had a grandmother reached outto me because she kind of felt
really used and overwhelmed bythe expectations of her adult
children.
So they would all come to herhouse for Sunday dinner,
(05:49):
something like that, and whather kids really wanted more than
anything was just to rest frombeing a parent.
They just wanted a break.
Now this grandma loved hergrandchildren.
She loved her children and shewanted to fulfill all the
desires of everybody to get abreak.
But she was like, this feelslike it's out of hand because
not only am I responsible forentertaining these grandchildren
(06:12):
and sometimes a lot of them, I'malso responsible for
disciplining them, for feedingthem, for cleaning up after
them.
And my adult kids are just allsitting around laughing and
chatting and eating and I don'tget to connect with them at all.
And I'm worn out by the timethey leave.
Now, obviously there's aboundary issue here, but it just
highlights what can happen to usas parents.
When we understand the desiresof our children, we can feel
(06:33):
like a good mother or a goodfather.
Father is now responsible totake care of those desires and
make those dreams come true.
Now from the message that I gotfrom her, I think she does want
to support her kids, but shedoesn't want to feel used by
them.
So I'm sure that she kind ofwishes that she didn't really
know that they were coming toher house expecting a break,
(06:53):
because then she wouldn't feelthis pressure to provide that.
I hear of adult children whostruggled, balancing what they
feel like, kind of are thesecompeting desires from their
parents and their in-laws,right?
Like my mom wants us here forThanksgiving dinner, but your
mom wants us here on this dayfor Thanksgiving dinner as well.
And, you know, whatever it kindof is, it just feels like every
invitation is a hugeexpectation.
(07:16):
And the pressure feels terribleas this couple tries to balance
out, taking care of eachparent's desire.
In the church of Jesus Christ ofLatter-day saints.
We have, um, I don't know ifit's called a program.
I guess you could call it thatcalled ministering and everyone
is assigned a woman or a familythat they are.
(07:36):
To visit with and check in onand become friendly with.
And I know this sounds foreignto a lot of people.
And even in the church, thereare people who hate this idea of
assigned friends.
But the hope of it.
I think the goal of it is thatif everyone in the church had a
few people that they werewatching out for, then everybody
would always be taken care ofand no one would ever fall
(07:58):
through the cracks and it wouldreally create this community of
caring.
But how many of us, whether inthis situation or something
similar to this, feel so muchpressure in these relationships
or assignments.
It's like, I'm responsible toask you what you need or want,
like I should ask you, but thenI don't really want to ask you
because that I responsible totake care of whatever you share
with me.
And so to avoid feelingoverwhelmed, but any requests,
(08:20):
we just avoid these people.
Or maybe we have a friend wethink is particularly needy.
And so we avoid them because wecan't hear what they want
without feeling like now I'mresponsible for this
information.
I have to take care of this.
So, how do we learn how tohandle knowing our spouse's
desires or our carrots or ourchildren's or friends, or even
(08:42):
our bosses without feeling likewe are being controlled by that
knowledge now, because that'sreally where our power lies.
Even though in our hearts,sometimes it feels like we'd
rather not know.
We have to acknowledge that.
Not knowing will keep us fromhaving intimate relationships
with people.
And this is especially importantin a marriage.
So even though sometimes we feellike, Hey, could you just keep
(09:03):
speaking in code or justdropping hints?
Because that's way easier for meto ignore and pretend I don't
understand.
Then when you flat out, tell mewhat you want.
Even though sometimes we wouldrather that people would just
keep quiet or drop hints.
We can't control that.
And it's not really fair for usto require that of the people
around us.
And truly, even those of us whodon't really want to know.
(09:25):
We can't stand the hint droppingand it just feels like, just
tell me what you really think.
Tell me what you really want.
This hint dropping is driving mecrazy.
But then once we know thedesires of the other person,
suddenly we feel like, oh crap.
Now I have no choice, but tomake this a reality, and it
leaves us feeling quite helplessand feeling like we're victims
to this other person's wants anddesires.
I hope I'm not totally talkingin circles here.
(09:46):
Maybe this is making sense.
And that brings up a little sidepoint.
I want to make.
When we don't want our spouse tosay anything to us, that we feel
like pressures us and it's goingto end up controlling us.
We will often pressure them ortry to control them to not speak
about what they want.
And we do this sometimes quitefrankly.
Right?
Well, it'd be like, just don'ttell me, I don't want to know,
(10:07):
but more often we do it verysubtly.
if your spouse approaches youabout something you just don't
want to know, because it feelslike pressure.
Do you freak out before theyeven get to kind of enter into a
conversation with you?
Do you essentially tell themthrough your actions that you
can't handle what they're aboutto share or you can't handle
hearing about their desires?
Because when we do that, even ifwe aren't screaming and yelling,
(10:29):
even if we just shut down, weare training them that it's not
safe for them to share what theyreally want.
We teach them really that theyshouldn't.
And so they stopped sharingbecause we've made it kind of
dangerous to do that.
And maybe that works great forus because we don't feel the
pressure that comes from knowingtheir desire.
But in the end does not give usthe intimate relationship we
want.
Does this make sense?
(10:50):
And I hope it makes a little bitof sense, at least, because I
think it's so important to beable to look honestly at
ourselves.
And try to see the ways that wepunish our spouse for telling us
what is true for them or forsharing what they desire.
So back to the question I posedbefore.
How do we learn how to handleknowing our spouse's desires or
our parents or our children'sour friends, our bosses, without
(11:13):
feeling like we're beingcontrolled by that knowledge.
Now I don't have all the answershere and I'm not even going to
try and answer all of it here,but I do think if you spend any
time thinking about this, you'regoing to come up with some
answers that really suit you.
But I think the first thing thatwe can all do is just be more
honest with ourselves.
Be more willing to tellourselves the truth.
(11:35):
No one can make us do or besomething we don't want to do or
B.
Now I know that there are someextreme examples that I wish
were more rare than theyprobably are, where there is
abuse and deep manipulation.
And these are a lot harder tonavigate when you are dealing
with serious mental illness.
But in general, the reason wefeel controlled when we know
(11:56):
what our spouse desires oranyone else that we're in a
relationship is because we'vetold ourselves that we have to
take care of that desire.
We have lied to ourselves andtold ourselves that it's now our
job, to be sure that everyoneelse gets what they want.
And that's just not true.
The more honest narrative isprobably to say.
I know in my logical mind thatit is not my job to make
(12:20):
everyone else happy or to be theone to give my husband or my
children or my mother,everything they desire.
But when they tell me what theywant.
I feel a lot of pressure to takecare of it.
I recognize that it's what I'mused to doing.
I recognize that I have the sameexpectation of other people at
times, and I can see that thisis a dynamic that I am used to.
(12:41):
But even though it is somethingI have felt like I have no
control over in the past.
I know that really isn't true.
I've always had a choice.
I have a choice right now.
And if I decide to try and meetthat desire, I have to own that
I'm choosing that.
Even if my spouse or my mom isputting a lot of pressure on for
me to fulfill this desire, Ichoose.
(13:02):
Now that may seem reallylong-winded and maybe you don't
have to talk that much toyourself, but I am just trying
to demonstrate what it wouldlook like to take a more honest
position.
About this desire pressure,dynamic that you find yourself
in.
This has actually been superhelpful for me and not just in
these types of situations, butwhen I require myself to
acknowledge that I had a choiceall along.
(13:24):
And I made the choice I was mostcomfortable with.
And then I have to own the factthat often that means that I
made the choice.
I felt pressured to make, notthe one I wanted to make.
And doing that, making myselfown it all, even though I can
still feel frustrated and superdisappointed with myself, then I
stopped looking around ateveryone else and blaming them
for making me do what I didn'twant to do.
(13:46):
And I actually just recently hadto go to some people that are
close to me and say, Hey.
I see how I kind of invented astory in my mind about other
people and their expectations ofme.
And then I acted in a way thatwas out of alignment of what I
really wanted out of alignmentwith my priorities.
And now, unfortunately, You arefeeling the effects of the
(14:08):
choices that I made.
And I'm so sorry.
And honestly, I felt sovulnerable during that.
And I had to prepare myself totake whatever came along with
owning that, going and sayingthis and not knowing what
negative feedback I mightreceive.
But at the same time, I justknew that was the right thing to
(14:28):
do.
So I dove into the discomfort,which is so interesting because
as I say this right, I was soworried about the discomfort of
letting other people down.
And in the end, I still had alot of discomfort because I let
myself down and it impactedother people that I hadn't
really considered.
So, I guess this is just thelesson to remember.
(14:49):
I can keep feeling like thedesires of others, control me
and let them control me and livewith the negative emotions.
I feel about that and maybe keephoping that they'll just stop
telling me all these things andI can live a less intimate life.
Or I can choose the discomfortthat comes when I decide that I
am not responsible for meetingeverybody else's desires because
that is going to beuncomfortable to not do what I'm
(15:09):
used to doing.
But if I can be in thatsituation with them in a way
that they can share theirdesires and I can still hold
onto myself and not feelcontrolled by it, there may be
discomfort, but in the end, Ithink it will give me more of
what I want.
And I'm not suggesting thatinstead of allowing yourself to
be controlled by the desires ofothers, you know, swing far the
(15:29):
other way and never do anythingto fulfill the desires of
others.
What I'm suggesting is to dothings for a different reason.
So instead of just creating abunch of pressure in your mind
and telling yourself, oh, I haveto do what they want me to do.
It's reminding yourself that youcan't be everything for everyone
that it's okay for them to maybeeven find another way to address
(15:50):
that desire.
Right.
So maybe when your adult kidscome home, it's like, Hey, you
find a way to give each other arest here, whatever it is, but
they find a way to take care ofthemselves.
And then you look with love inyour heart and ask yourself,
what can I do?
What can I do from this place oflove?
Like maybe right now.
I can't have sex with my husbandevery day and feel loving
(16:12):
feelings for him.
I'm just not there yet, but Ican choose to go all in on the
sex.
I agree to because I do love himand I want to show him how much
I love him in a lot of ways,including in our bedroom.
So he may not get the quantityof sex he desires, but he can
get more of the caliber of sexhe wants.
Or maybe it's, you know what,when my adult kids come home, I
(16:34):
cannot be the sole caregiver.
I.
I wish I could.
I know that's what they want.
but I can't be the solecaregiver and feel loving
feelings towards my kids.
But I can plan one specialactivity that I'm going to do
alone with my grandkids for 30minutes.
Or I'm going to tell my kids,listen, I am providing the
entire meal today.
The prep.
(16:54):
All of it.
That's on me.
You don't have to worry aboutcooking, just come and eat.
But that's it.
You guys have to help withcleanup and you're in charge of
your kids, right?
So it was kind of figuring outwhat you can do from a place of
love.
Now it may not be easy.
It still may require somethingof you, but it will feel
completely different.
When you make it your choice,when you remind yourself, that's
(17:15):
always been your choice and youdon't have to do anything.
And now you just get to do.
What love feels like.
So another thing that can helpyou to be able to kind of handle
the desires of others withoutfeeling controlled by them.
Is to develop a betterrelationship with yourself.
Because the better, you know,yourself.
The more you learn to love andaccept yourself the more
(17:36):
self-confidence you're going todevelop.
Loving yourself helps you loveothers better.
I promise it is true.
But it also helps you have ahealthier relationship with
yourself and that makes iteasier to have a healthier
relationship with others.
Too often, especially when westruggle with our own feelings
of self-worth, we are quick tokind of fold into the people
(17:57):
around us and do what they wantto be, who they want us to be.
And just kind of seek for a lotof validation.
When we get more confident wecan handle more invalidation and
then we feel less pressure to dowhat others want us to do.
We get better at holding ontowho we are and what we want in
the face of someone else'sdesires that may be an
opposition to that, or mayberequiring more.
(18:20):
Does that make sense?
It means you can tell me whatyou want.
And I don't automatically starttrying to figure out how I can
take care of that.
So is that you're not going tobe mad at me.
It's I can hear what you desireand take it in and think about
it and get to a place of loveand decide if there is anything
I want to do and what that mightbe.
Maybe you don't relate to thistopic completely, but I know
(18:42):
there are many of you out therewho struggled to know the minds
of those you love withoutfeeling like it is controlling
you without feeling like now youhave to take care of it.
And if that is true and you'relike, I have been, you really
don't want to know any morebecause it's so much pressure.
It keeps you feeling like youare such a big disappointment.
(19:02):
It makes you feel like you don'thave choices, but I want you to
consider that none of that'strue.
And I want you to open yourselfup to the idea of knowing the
people around you, Especiallyyour spouse and what they desire
and then get yourself intopracticing, holding onto
yourself, knowing what theywant.
You have to practice remindingyourself that you still have a
(19:24):
choice, remind yourself that youwant to respond from love and
not from pressure because it'snot good for anybody.
It's not good for them.
It's not good for you.
And remind yourself thatintimacy is going to really
require knowing someone.
So if you want that, you'regoing to have to start opening
up to hearing all of it andknowing like, what do you
desire?
(19:44):
What do you want?
And how can we work together tomaybe help achieve that without
taking it as now?
It's my job.
This takes practice you guys,but it totally is possible.
I hope that you will start tolook.
At where you are putting upwalls, pushing away, because
you're worried that what you'regoing to find out is going to
control you and remind yourselfit doesn't have the power to
(20:05):
control you.
You have choices.
You can do this, everyone.
Good luck.
See you next week.
Bye.
Thanks for listening today.
If you like what you hear on thepodcast, and you'd like to learn
more, feel free to head over tomy website.
Jamilin Stephan coaching.com orfind me on Instagram or Facebook
(20:26):
at Jamileh.
step in coaching.
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