S10E4. Naked Dusty Flesh

The dust. It's surrounds you. In your eyes, your boots, your soul - everything is dust. 

Through the dust you see a vision, a vision of your home also covered in dust - the lime trees? Dusty. Your ornamental English garden? Dusty. Your family, friends and beloved colleagues? Very dusty indeed. 

What does it all mean? Why is this dust here? Join us this week as we breathe the dust down deep to try and find out.

〰️〰️〰️〰️〰️〰️〰️〰️〰️〰️〰️〰️〰️

Support the show, say Hello, and find the thoroughly diplomat extras at:
patreon.com/wapin7

Including... (Free!) bonus content, Tolstoy's Hall of Fame, and special episodes.

〰️〰️〰️〰️〰️〰️〰️〰️〰️〰️〰️〰️〰️

Episode Transcript

SPEAKER_00 (00:00):
My name's Will.
And my name's Steve.
You haven't got time to read Warand Peace.
Even if it is one of thegreatest novels of all time.
587,000 words 612 grams That'sthe weight of the book 500
characters 361 chapters 3volumes 2 epilogues and a

(00:22):
collection of maps We're goingto summarise all of it for you
This is War and Peace in just 7years I have pressed the magic
button.
Wonderful.
We don't have enough songs, dowe, in this show?

(00:44):
We don't.
Made up live.
Maybe we should sing one of thefuture seasons.
We should sing the whole thing.
There must have been, or therehas been a War and Peace
musical.
We've talked about it.

SPEAKER_01 (00:54):
Oh, we need to check in when we're able to watch
that.
Maybe it covers the whole, itdoesn't cover the whole book.

SPEAKER_00 (00:59):
No, it's just the last book.
Yeah, it's just the last onewith the, yeah, we must have
talked about it in that thatseason we have so don't talk
about it now I remember lookingup actually and it was only on
show in Melbourne in Australia.
It's going to take a while toget there.
We'll have to wait until it hitson in London.
We'll go.
We'll go.
Or if it's on Netflix.
Hello, everyone.
Sorry, we're just planning aholiday.

(01:19):
Hi there.
Welcome to the show.

SPEAKER_01 (01:22):
Welcome to episode four, season 10.

SPEAKER_00 (01:24):
Yes, we're here now.
We're doing our new productionmethod where we just keep
talking.
Just keep talking.
Just keep talking.
Never edit.
Never edit.
No mistakes.
Everything comes out as soon aswe say it.
Perfect.
And the second we finish, wejust press spacebar and it's in
the ether.
Which is why when I ask Willthis question and it all goes
wrong.
That's just something we allhave to accept and accept and be

(01:45):
pleased about.
Yes.
Will.
Yes.
What happened last episode?

SPEAKER_01 (01:49):
I

SPEAKER_00 (01:51):
do know.

SPEAKER_01 (01:52):
It was letters.
It was a classic lettering.
It was take letter to place,

SPEAKER_00 (01:58):
get letter back, like one of those really dull
games.
Bring letter, put letter, takeletter.
Receive letter, pause for newletter information.
Winner.
You have successfully completedletter.
Letter game.

SPEAKER_01 (02:14):
Yeah, it was just letters.
The reason for the letters, itwas Alpatic.

SPEAKER_00 (02:17):
Yes.
Nasty Nick's top boy.
Top letter man.
Top dog.
Top dog letter boy.
Because the reason he was sentis that the war

SPEAKER_01 (02:29):
is very close to Nasty Nick's house

SPEAKER_00 (02:31):
and he's kind of lost his mind and he's sleeping
in the bread bin.
He wrote a sort of, yeah, he'ssleeping all around the house.
He wrote a sort of like finalremarks.
He seems sickly and...
Not with it.
Dying.
And I think this was all

SPEAKER_01 (02:43):
set up behind the scenes from the family and stuff
to be like, maybe

SPEAKER_00 (02:46):
go

SPEAKER_01 (02:47):
checkout

SPEAKER_00 (02:47):
what the deal is to see if we should all leave.
But he went to Smolensk.
He went there and it wasn't goodbecause it was all bombed quite
a lot and set on fire.
Yes.
And he stayed in the house with,I think, a psychopath.
A psychopath.
Yeah.
And, you know, it's unclear ifhe killed someone or not.
A friend.
Yeah.
A friend.
Oh, he's a very odd man.
He liked the fields.

(03:08):
And abusive as well.
Oh, his friend was abusive.
Awful.
Yes, his friend was.
That's what I mean.
There's something to do with thefields of oats or something.
He liked

SPEAKER_01 (03:16):
fields of oats and I would like to say this again
that his friend really gaverussian santa a bad name

SPEAKER_00 (03:21):
well let's see if we can do something positive and it
ended with just everything onfire and he headed back yeah
well there you go so sometimesthat's that's just what happens
sometimes when you deliver postcookie crumbles well i'm happy
with that i'm happy with thatnine out of ten let's do the
reading on words Will, as perthe new methodology, I have got

(03:49):
my quotes pre-prepared, ready toread out.
Are you prepared with somethingto talk about?
Yeah, obviously.
Do you want a quote, though,just to fill some time?
No, because look, it's justabout the speed of mobile
internet.
Russian post is an actionaryobject.
Yep.

(04:09):
The unreaped corn was scorchedand shed its grain.
Russian Post employs about390,000 people and has over
42,000 post offices.
You're just going to read outnumbers, are you, from the first
result?
Look, I'll be honest.
I did forget the new

SPEAKER_01 (04:30):
rule about having something prepared.
Would you like to do a quote?

SPEAKER_00 (04:34):
In the regiment, they called him our prince.
They were proud of him and theyloved him oh it's not loading
something people would say aboutyour prep it's fine because what
i'm gonna look at is some reallyinteresting historical facts
about the russian postal servicearound the time of war and peace
but whilst i'm loading it up doa quote there's not gonna be

(04:56):
time for any facts look i'll getone they marched with
handkerchiefs tied over theirnoses and mouths all the russian
post offices in the ottomanempire were a set of post
offices operated by russia invarious cities of the ottoman
empire from the late 18thcentury that felt like i was
stuck in a loop do a quote isthat all you've got everywhere

(05:19):
there was nothing is loadinghealthy white muscular flesh oh
gross that's what's there that'swhat there was

SPEAKER_01 (05:26):
for some reason i made me think of like a battery
farm chickens

SPEAKER_00 (05:31):
yes maybe that's horrible maybe this episode is
set in a battery farm

SPEAKER_01 (05:36):
i'll be honest oh something has loaded up but i
don't think it's It's veryinteresting, to be honest.

SPEAKER_00 (05:41):
At what point ever is looking at the history of
post offices going to be funnyor interesting?
With that kind of preparation,never.
Am I to let the troops have theoats and to take receipt for
them?
We still have 600 quarters left,Will.
You've got nothing left, myfriend.
I've got nada.

SPEAKER_01 (05:59):
Other than someone I look up to is, of course, the
historian John Hislop, who oncecalled the postal roads

SPEAKER_00 (06:08):
of the Inca Empire South America's largest
contiguous archaeologicalremain.
Look, I'll put my hands upthere.
That wasn't my best.
We said there would be someteething problems.
I didn't know all of Will'steeth would fall out on the
floor and be crushed by asteamroller.
Brutal.
It's difficult to acceptcriticism because because I'm

(06:30):
biologically incapable of doingso.
But I do think the show sufferedfor that.
It was the worst reading I'veever been part of.
That's not true.
And you should be ashamed.
That's not true.
It's certainly down there.
Let's move on from that sadperiod.
Let's move on from that utterlyembarrassing disgrace.

(06:52):
You might feel like running awayright now, probably will.
No.

UNKNOWN (06:55):
No.

SPEAKER_00 (06:56):
Okay.
Well, that would have been agood segue.

SPEAKER_01 (06:59):
Oh, okay.
I see what you're doing there.
I should have said yes.

SPEAKER_00 (07:02):
Ask me a question.
Go on.
Steve, I feel like running away.
Do you?
Do

SPEAKER_01 (07:06):
you?
Tell us what happened in

SPEAKER_00 (07:08):
the book.
Well, we're starting in...
absolutely classic war and peacestyle this week um by running
away oh it's a retreat yes aretreat a small retreat we're
running running running runningrunning running running away on
the on the 10th of august theregiment prince andrew commanded
was marching along the high roadpast the avenue leading to the

(07:29):
bald hills will so we're runningaway from smolensk We've got
Prince Andrew.
Yep.
We're on the way to the BaldHills.
Run, run, run, baby.
As predicted.

SPEAKER_01 (07:37):
If only we hadn't read that chapter telling us
everything about the past, whichthis is.
Because we'd

SPEAKER_00 (07:44):
be

SPEAKER_01 (07:44):
like, what a silly idea.
But it's a perfect idea.

SPEAKER_00 (07:47):
We know exactly what's going to happen.
Because of doing it, they'llwin.
Yes, we do know that.
But we don't know.
It's important how we get there.
It

SPEAKER_01 (07:55):
is.
It's not just the destination.
It's the journey sometimes.

SPEAKER_00 (08:00):
It's not the fruit you eat.
It's the shop.
You shop at.

SPEAKER_01 (08:04):
Yes.
I mean, look, if you're going towork, it's not just about
getting to work.
What if on the way you were onfire?

SPEAKER_00 (08:10):
Then it would be memorable, wouldn't it?
The journey would matter more.
You'd have a real journey forthe water cooler.
And a story.
A story, sorry.
You'd have a real journey forthe water cooler moment.
So the bald hills, Will.
Yep, they are hilly and bald.
They're very bald this time.
It's so hot, actually, thatthey've gone the baldest you've

(08:30):
ever seen.
Are they really?
Yes, it's very hot.
Oh, no.
And everything's bald with theheat.
In fact, why don't you closeyour eyes, Will?
Okay.
And listen.
and as you can close your eyestoo we haven't done this in some
time and if you're driving itwon't be for long just close you
might be only for a minute ortwo driving it's fine be a
couple of minutes as long asit's allowed in your

(08:51):
jurisdiction just go straight sokeep breathing by the way heat
and drought had continued formore than three weeks how much
more More.
Each day, fleecy clouds floatedacross the sky, and that's the
nicest bit you'll hear, andoccasionally veiled the sun.

(09:13):
Occasionally.
Only occasionally.
Only every now and then.
But towards the evening, the skycleared again and the sun set in
reddish brown mist.
The unreaped corn was scorchedand shed its grain.
Albertich will be livid.
Yeah, we don't.
He'll be distraught.
Was it corn or oats that he wasinto?
He was a big fan

SPEAKER_01 (09:33):
of oats, but I imagine

SPEAKER_00 (09:34):
he likes corn.
You like corn.
He'll be sad.
Corn! The close cousin of oats.
All of his family could bekilled in the war and he'd be
like, uh-huh, yeah, no, that's ashame.
The corn?
Is the corn okay?
Because of the drought.
Keep your eyes closed.
I are closed.
We heard about the corn.

(09:54):
The marshes, Will, they've driedup.
Is there a name for driedmarshes?
Fields.
Just a field, yes.
They've turned into fields.
Get some corn in that.
They'd be very muddy though, mudfields.
Dried, muddy field.
The cattle load from thehunger...
They're finding no food on thesun parched meadows.

(10:15):
They all dead then?
No, they're just lowed.

SPEAKER_01 (10:18):
Okay, what does that mean?

SPEAKER_00 (10:20):
I think their heads are lower.
Just sad.
They feel sad.
Hungry probably as well.
The only respite, other thanthat cloud I mentioned, are the
heavy night dews.
Okay, yeah, yeah.
So you get a little bit ofmoisture at night.
Lick a leaf.
Lick a leaf and chill out.
Feeling fresh.

SPEAKER_01 (10:36):
This is very apt.
We're going through a kind ofheat wave in London for a
similar amount of time.

SPEAKER_00 (10:41):
I think in the interests of transparency and
honesty, the heat wave hasended.
Has it?
That's what I heard.
The third one, though.
Sorry, this is great news.
We don't know if there's goingto be another one, though.
No, I'm just saying I canempathize with those cows with
their low heads.
Well, remember how it felt to bein London during the heat?
Like a cow.
You were like a cow.

(11:03):
I'll tell you what it was likein Russia.
And you can tell me if it wassimilar in London.
Thanks for explaining that sowell.
Similar in London when we hadthat heat wave.
Okay.
The cows.
Yeah.
It's good for the cows at theirstatue.

SPEAKER_02 (11:21):
It's good.

SPEAKER_00 (11:21):
It's good news for them.
Well done to get back in.
That was exactly where we leftoff, by the way.
It's good news for the cows attheir statue, but it's not such
good news for all of thosehundreds, possibly thousands, of
marching soldiers.

SPEAKER_01 (11:33):
Oh, because what?
They get their feet wet orwhatever?

SPEAKER_00 (11:36):
No, just because dew's not very helpful.
It's just not helpful.
If you're not a cow.
It's just, I hate this stuff.
They're marching on the road.
They're running away on theroad.
Last thing they want is dew onthe floor.
Good Lord, they don't need dewon the floor.
This is the last thing we need.
They need it in their bodies,maybe.
The road is hot, Will.
I'm not making this up.

(11:56):
I'm not exaggerating, okay?
But when I read this, I find ithard to understand, but this is
true.
There is six inches of dust onthe road.
Six inches of dust?
Half a foot.
Of dust.
I would never have known that,but that's just a lot.
That's like as tall as yourhand.

(12:18):
You're in essentially a sandbox.
It's covered in dust everywhere.
A cat litter tray.
It's like that, but hotter.
Horrible.
Hotter, yeah.
And they're marching, Will.
they're marching through theheat, through this dust for
their lives.
What's worse though, that

SPEAKER_01 (12:35):
or the

SPEAKER_00 (12:36):
London Underground in the heatwave?
How many inches of dust werethere?
Well, that's why it's notcomparable because very

SPEAKER_01 (12:41):
little, low

SPEAKER_00 (12:42):
levels of dust.
You wouldn't measure it ininches.
No, you wouldn't even measure itin millimetres.
Millie-inches.
Tiny inches.
But it's tough though, I'm justsaying, we've all had our
struggles.
That does seem too high, thenumber six inches, doesn't it?
Listen to this, there's moreevidence.
The artist The artillery andbaggage wagons moved noiselessly

(13:03):
through the deep dust that roseto the very hubs of the wheels,
Will.
So possibly more than sixinches.
I think it's fair to say it'sdusty.
The infantry sank ankle deep inthat soft, choking hot dust that
never cooled even at night,Will.
And I bet they haven't gotrespirators.
They haven't.
They haven't.
I think they've got little maskson occasionally.

(13:24):
Little neckerchiefs.
I think I read a quote actuallyabout that.
Yeah, no, that would make sense.
Good.
Well done.
It's a river of dust.
It's basically just a river ofsandy dust.
Their eyes, Will.
Full of dust.
Full of dust.
Hair.
Dusty.
Noses.
Dust.
I'd be surprised if that wasn'tfull of dust.
Shoes, probably.

(13:45):
They've got a lot of dust inthem.
The dust is filling the lungs ofmen and beasts alike, Will.

SPEAKER_01 (13:50):
Yeah, I doubt they had tape.
You know, masking tape or ducttape.
Because you'd want to tape

SPEAKER_00 (13:57):
your trousers over your shoes.
Or you could tape your mouth andnose up as well.
To keep the dust out.
Keep it out, it's the only way.
There's so much dust, you can'tsee the sun.
Just so dusty.
Everyone is glowing like a hugecrimson ball in the unclouded
sky.
I was getting very much imagesof Dune while I was reading
this.
Yeah, right.
Have you seen this film?

SPEAKER_01 (14:17):
Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 (14:18):
Because basically that film,

SPEAKER_01 (14:19):
if you haven't seen it, it's just

SPEAKER_00 (14:20):
loads of dust.
It's very, very dusty.
That's the vibe here.
There isn't a worm that I'venoticed so far.
Because that would reallysolidify the comparison.
And then, Will, you're not goingto believe this.
It would be very suspicious forthe author of Dune.
What is it?
They put those silly things onand go, dum, dum.
Those little sound machines.
Yeah, the little boom box.
The thumpers settle down.
Yeah, and then the big wormcomes up and they're like, woo!

(14:43):
The worm likes bass.
It looks good, but it is silly.
There's no wind, by the way.
None.
Oh, that's good, because of allthe dust.
No wind?
No.
No wind, no problem.
No wind, no problem.
You'll be fine.
No wind at all.
Yeah.
It's hot, frankly to say.
It's dusty.
It's dusty.
It's never been anywhere.

(15:03):
Could I hazard a guess thatTolstoy really does explain the
dust a lot?
If I'm explaining a lot, it'snot because I like dust.
No, no.
It's because it's been explainedextensively.
five to six times more thanyou're allowing it to be
explained.
Many, many paragraphs weredevoted to the dust.
Many, many words were given overto the dust.

(15:23):
I think you could have read themquicker than we've talked about
them, but you wouldn't feel thesame.
You'd feel dusty.
You'd feel dusty for sure.
Ah, you'd probably startitching.
Look, the point I'm trying tomake is it's very dusty.
You've made it.
It's a hot, sad situation andthey're running away from the
smell.
That's a song lyric, isn't it?
It's a sad situation.
It's a hot, sad, dustysituation.
You sung it so weirdly, I'veforgotten.

(15:46):
There's no way I could connectthat to the real song now.
Well, anyway, Andy Pandey is ina way having a good influence
Good time?
I don't know.
He's kind of engrossed.
He's captivated.
If that's good, it's kind ofgood for him.
Woo! Dust! Dust! It's not quitelike that, but he's happy to
have something to do.
Do you remember how Andy Pandywas feeling last time?

(16:08):
Yeah,

SPEAKER_01 (16:08):
but he's a very sad, lonely, desperately sad man.

SPEAKER_00 (16:12):
Pretty sad man.
He

SPEAKER_01 (16:13):
needs direction.

SPEAKER_00 (16:14):
Yes, and he's got that.
And he loves dust.
He's giving orders.
He's receiving orders.
He's busy.
Hey, guys, have you seen allthis dust?
What a treat! He's trying to bechipper, sure.
Do you think he's trying to keepthe mood up?

SPEAKER_01 (16:28):
Keep the morale up.
This is like Nicky thought thisages ago, remember?
Even though the war's horrible,he's like, when you're in it,
you just feel great because youdon't have to worry about
anything.
You just crack on, everything'sdone.

SPEAKER_00 (16:38):
You get up, play in the dust.
Get shot, go to bed.
Bit of dust.
A bit more dust.
Tape over the mouth, go to bed,yeah.
Why do they hate the dew then?
Do you reckon it's because itmakes the dust all gloopy?
I don't think they hate the dew.
It's just that there's notenough of it to quench them.
To wash the dust away.
It's only for the cows, really.
Because you imagine a cow can goaround the whole field.
Lick everything.

(16:58):
But they've only got the road tolick, so it's not so good.
In

SPEAKER_01 (17:01):
my mind, the cows are stood in a field and there's
just sand up to their stomachs,up to their udders.

SPEAKER_00 (17:07):
Yes, I think that's the right image.
But then there's a giant worm inthe background.
So Andy Pandy, he's fully thrownhimself into managing the life
of his regiment, keeping themalive and given all this dust.
They call him their prince.
He is a prince.
They call him their prince.
That all checks out.
Our prince, they call him.

(17:27):
Our prince.
But his love and focus only veryaccurately extends to the people
in his regiment.
Other than that, I hateeveryone.
As soon as he came across aformer acquaintance or anyone
from the staff, he bristled upimmediately and grew spiteful,
ironical and contemptuous.
Threw handfuls of dust at them.

(17:49):
This is bad dust.
Frank, he probably does do it,but it doesn't make a difference
because it's so dusty already.
I can't, I wouldn't even throwdust at you.
There'd be no point.
Because it's so dusty.
You're a waste of good dust.
I like dust as well.
Why is he so sad, Will?

SPEAKER_01 (18:06):
Oh, there's so many.
I mean,

SPEAKER_00 (18:07):
he's been sad for the whole...
He's been sad since we met him.
Yeah, it's just sad.
I think he was born sad.
He was sad.
Was he not happy for a bit whenhis wife died?
Wait.
Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 (18:18):
Was he happy?
I think he was happy sort ofwhen he was going to marry
Natasha.

SPEAKER_00 (18:24):
Yes, but then they had a fight.
I don't think he's ever beenhappy.
It doesn't really matter, butbasically he hates everything
about his former life.
If ever he's reminded of itthrough people that he meets or
whatever, he feels angry.
I hate this.
His life before the dust makeshim angry.
All I am now is a person whowalks through dust.

(18:46):
He's still, I would say, quitedepressed.
Significantly depressed.
He's a funky monkey.
If you want to put it in a sortof roundabout way, you could say
he's some kind of funky...
I meant that he's

SPEAKER_01 (18:59):
in a funk.
I realise that actually FunkyMonkey sounds like he's very
chipper and dancing.

SPEAKER_00 (19:03):
We can call a spade a spade.
He's depressed.
He's a depressed monkey in dust.
We can call a spade a spade.
He's a depressed Funky Monkey.
He's very sad, yeah.
Everything's dark and gloomy tohim, figuratively and literally
because of all the dust.
He's annoyed, very annoyed thatSmolensk was abandoned and
exploded.
Yeah, and set on fire.
And his mouth's dry.

(19:24):
His mouth feels bad.
From all the dust.
The burning of Smolensk and itsabandonment and made an epoch in
his life.
So it's a real turning point forhim.
I'm going to retreat so hardbecause of this.
He's also sad about the factthat his sick father, his sister
and his son had to flee toMoscow, apparently, according to

(19:46):
a letter he received.
I get the impression no one inthe book likes Moscow.
It's not the main place back

SPEAKER_01 (19:53):
then, is it?

SPEAKER_00 (19:54):
I think it's pretty main, but...
He's not sad about the fact thatthey've gone to Moscow.
I hate Moscow.
Oh, God.
Boring.
It's because they've abandonedthe house, right?
I get it.
He might not like Moscow,though.
He might not like it.
It's true.
Actually, I will give you that.
I don't like Moscow.
It's ambiguous why he doesn'tlike it.
Terrible post office.

(20:15):
He's also a bit sad that, as yousaid, his childhood home will no
doubt be soon...
pillaged and covered in dust

SPEAKER_01 (20:22):
yeah dusty set on fire blown up that giant giant
who lives there he'll be blown

SPEAKER_00 (20:27):
on tick on that would be a good scene though
like the fall of tick on Hewouldn't.
Would he fall?
Eventually, like a building.
He would, yes.
Crush the house.

SPEAKER_01 (20:40):
Yeah, like the BFG, but he's throwing chairs or
whatever, samovars at thesoldiers.

SPEAKER_00 (20:44):
Beautiful image.
Oh, such good memories of theBald Hills, eh?
Such good memories.
Such good times that we hadthere.
I could write a book about them.
Well, could you say some ofthem?
Some of the good times that weall had there?
Well, oh, I don't.

SPEAKER_01 (21:01):
I actually don't think the birth of Andy's...
child was a good memory becauseI'm pretty sure his wife died
during

SPEAKER_00 (21:07):
childbirth.
The other ones though, the timesof the arguments and the meals.
Madame Bourrient.
There were lots of arguments.
Oh, what's written on Marianne'shead.
Good times.
That's funny.
Mary, all the abuse she sufferedfrom her father.
That's bad.
But then she met those veryintense religious people.

(21:29):
That seemed fun for a bit,didn't it?
That was nice.
Nasty Nick with a garden.
He likes that.
It's very sad.
It's a nice...
I've got warm memories of it.
Oh, very exactly.
And it's so sad to think ofwhat's happening now.
I think it's for the best ifit's smashed a bit.
Okay.
Well, you're going to love thisthen.
You're going to love thischapter.
Well...

(21:51):
It was not what I was hopingwould happen there, but I've
written here the bald hillscan't be left to the dust.
It can't be.
But maybe it can.
Maybe it should be smashed tobits.

SPEAKER_01 (22:00):
Oh, you see what Tolstoy's doing with all the
literal dust?

SPEAKER_00 (22:05):
Yes.
Because we are all but dust.
We're becoming dust.
And everything will become dust.
And he's made it very literalbecause all the characters are
covered in dust.
And will they emerge from thedust?
Will they?
Will we?
We all return to it regardless.
Who will we be when we emergefrom the dust?
But a vent doesn't matterbecause you'll be dust.

(22:25):
But more dust.
And then it might take a while,but you'll just be dust again.
That's the summary of the book.
Yeah, that's the idea of thisbook.
But think of all the good stuffthat is at the Bald Hills,
though.
Is that new hovel for theservants?
Oh, yeah, that's cool.
They're digging a hole for themto live in.
That'll never get used.
That'll never get used.
There's Tickon.
Michael Ivanovich.
Yeah, Michael! Oh, what happenedto him?

(22:47):
Exactly.
So we've got to do something.
No, we've got to save it.
We've got to save it.
I'm not having Michael Ivanovichbe executed and turned into
dust.
He's the country's finestarchitect.
And what do you need to save oneof the finest country homes in
Russia?
Cannons.
A horse.
Horse.
We need a horse and a horse namefor the horse.

(23:09):
Oh, we need a horse and a horsename.
I'm going to give you the onlybit of information.
Okay.
The only mention of the horse.
Yes.
It never comes back.
We'll never use this name again.
It's perfect.
I'm going to give you theinformation.
I'd like to know what the nameof the horse is.
Okay.
He was covered in dust.

(23:29):
Andy Pandy ordered his horse tobe saddled.
Right.
and leaving his regiment on themarch, rode to his father's
estate where he had been bornand spent his childhood.
I was expecting some descriptionof the horse.
What kind of horse?
Not even the type of horse.
It's a horse that can besaddled.

SPEAKER_01 (23:50):
Yeah, I mean, it's odd sometimes because he spent a
thousand words talking aboutdust.
The people love horses.

SPEAKER_00 (23:57):
Well, I can tell you something.
Dusty Springfield.
Very good.
Very good.
Thank you.
Well, we can take that.
We'll take that.
And we...
We will hold it.
We'll lock that in.
And we will immediately discardit because the horse, as I
say...
Is dead.
Is fully dead.
No, I think he does right away,actually.
So maybe Dusty Springfield willcome back.
Good luck, Dusty! One thing wecan deduce about Dusty

(24:19):
Springfield is that it must bean incredibly fast horse because
you know normally when you goplaces...
By horse.
For us to go to Smolensk andstuff, it took two chapters or
three chapters.
Oh, it took...
I remember the time.
I think it took like four days.
Exactly.
And we've gone from the dustyroad to the bald hills in that
one sentence that I just readyou.

(24:40):
God, they must have been justoutside.
They must have just been off theroad there.
Or Tolstoy ran out of spacebecause he'd written about dust
for ages.
I do think that Tolstoy's had afew...
Edits.
Edit management issues.
I bet his wife was like...
What are you doing talking aboutDust?
Get him to the Bald Hills now.
You know what?
Something very interestinghappens at the end of this
chapter that you can't miss.

(25:03):
I promise you, it's not justabout Dust.
No, it's not actually.
And you should keep listening.
So he rides off to DustySpringfield.
On Dusty Springfield, he'simmediately at home.
Quickest horse in the land.
Probably could have walkedthere.
And you know what, Will?
Some things have changed,unfortunately.
I'm sorry to say.
Is it burning rubble?

(25:24):
Well, let's see.
The Bald Hills that we knew andloved, that time, those things
that happened.
That time Nasty Nick sneezed andshouted at Mary.
And he went to his bedroom.
That was nice.
And he slept under the Christmastree.
That was lovely, wasn't it?
Lovely stuff.
Well, some things have changednow.
Those happy memories are allbehind us.

(25:44):
They used to be, as you mightremember, women chatting by the
pond.

SPEAKER_01 (25:49):
I forget there are always nameless people.
Ladies chatting.

SPEAKER_00 (25:54):
Yeah, chatting as they beat their linen with
wooden beetles.
Oh, that's strange.
Little figurines of the popularband, The Beatles.
Yeah, they've been famous for along time, especially in Russia.
But there's no women anymore,Bill.
Will, sorry.
That's a great out.
It's a shame we don't doouttakes.

(26:14):
Who the hell is Bill?
I was thinking about TheBeatles.
There's no women anymore, Bill.
One of the members of TheBeatles called Bill, are they?
And you know what, Bill?
there's no linen either okay Jimthere's barely any are they all
dead?
no they're just not therethey've gone somewhere else do
you know what I was thinking ofyou know that scene in Gladiator
where he runs home and he's like

SPEAKER_01 (26:34):
oh I hope everyone's

SPEAKER_00 (26:34):
alright and like spoiler they're on fire also
quite a dusty film as well it isdusty that yeah it's not as bad
as Gladiator but it is bad inmany ways listen There's barely
any pond, to be honest with you.
The French have taken the pond?
The washing wharf that the womenused to use with the Beatles.

(26:56):
No.
Back on.
It's been...
destroyed.
It's floating in the middle ofwhat's left of the pond.
Why are you destroying?
That's how we clean our clothes,guys.
It's not going to happen.
They're savages.
And they're dusty as well.
All this dust.
It gets worse, Will.
It's mental to blow that up.
You could use it if you're goingto steal the house.
No, no.

(27:16):
It's like stealing someone'shouse and then we smash the
washing machine.
I know, it's awful.
What about the keeper's lodge?
Smashed it up, obviously.
How is it?
Well, yes.
No one was at the stone entrancegates of the drive and the door
stood open.
Grass.
Grass.
had already begun to grow on thegarden paths.
Disgraceful.
Do you know what they said whenthey took that?
Finders keepers.

(27:37):
Well, and then they planted somegrass seed and it started to
grow.
Be a shame if nobody mowed thegrass around here, eh?
Horses and calves were strayingin the English park, apparently.
What's that?
The grass is overgrown.
That's what I can say aboutthat.
Nasty Nick would be livid.
It gets worse.

(27:57):
I can't take Actually, not to,you know, correct you or
anything, it doesn't sound thatbad to start with.
Well, wait until you hear aboutthe hothouse, Will.
Okay, they're all dead.
It's a sad sight in thehothouse, okay?
In the hothouse, some of thepanes of glass are broken, Will.
Do you know how long it wouldtake to fix that?

(28:19):
Minutes or possibly hours.
Yeah,

SPEAKER_01 (28:21):
because it could be easy, but it could take ages, I
don't know.
Don't know how you make glassback then.

SPEAKER_00 (28:26):
This is something you can't, it probably was very
expensive.
Yeah.
And it would take ages,actually.
And it would be a nightmare,actually.
It would be really annoying.
It's worse, Will.
This can't be undone becausesome of the trees that I assume
were in the hothouse, they havebeen pushed from their

SPEAKER_01 (28:44):
tubs.
Sir, we've found multiple, yeah,yeah, yeah, whatever.
They have pushed some of thesetrees out of their tubs.

SPEAKER_00 (28:56):
These men must pay.
Must suffer.
Why would you push a tree out ofits tub?
You stupid tree.
I don't know, Will, but theleaves What's wrong with the
French, man?
Of course, because it's hot.
You're blaming the French, Will,but it might be even more
shocking than that.
It might be.
Smurfs.

(29:17):
Andy Pandy called for Taras, thegardener.
Yeah, I remember him.
But no one replied.
They've got him.
Taurus the gardener, Will, ismissing.
He's gone.
He's missing.
Aren't they all gone?
Well, certainly Taurus.
Taurus the gardener's missing.
How harsh is that, that thewhole house have been told to
escape because of the war?
And

SPEAKER_01 (29:34):
he's like, obviously leave the gardener.
Obviously the gardener shouldstay.
What about the grass?

SPEAKER_00 (29:38):
The grass by the gate.
Ridiculous.
Get him back.
The trees in the tubs.
What if they get lightly pushed?
And what about, Will...
What about the ornamentalgarden?
If Tarras isn't here, it won'tbe looked after properly.
Do you think it's fared fairlybadly?
Yeah, I think it's a state.
Yes, I'm sorry to say, Will, itis in a state.

(29:59):
It doesn't matter if

SPEAKER_01 (30:00):
Tarras is shot in the war when they get here.
It means the

SPEAKER_00 (30:04):
ornamental

SPEAKER_01 (30:04):
garden will be looked after.

SPEAKER_00 (30:06):
Tarras would truly be ashamed of this because the
fence, it's slightly broken.
And someone will...
Someone has stolen the plums.
Oh, God.
And there's 18 foxes living inthe house.
They all live in the housewearing clothes.
Wearing human clothes.
Human clothes.
And writing letters.

(30:27):
Writing letters.
And they've started a smallfarm.
And a business.
And that's what's going on then.
And actually taking it veryseriously.
No, well, it's even worse thanfoxes living in your house
wearing your clothes.
The plums have been stolen.
Plums have been stolen or eaten.
I guess both.
There is a sign of life,however, other than the foxes.

(30:48):
There's an old deaf peasantsitting in the middle of the
ornamental garden.
That sounds horrible.
Platting a bast shoe.
Okay.
Are they okay?
I don't know.
I can only assume not, given thedevastation around them.
Yeah, they don't sound allright, but maybe that's a nice
moment, I suppose.
What does it mean, all of this,Will?
I think it means that they'veall gone.

(31:09):
oh okay yeah sure that's what itthat it does mean and maybe they
left in a hurry hence the thethe shoving of a tree it could
be that quick scarper push thetree over don't push the tree
don't bring the tubs we haven'tgot time eat the plums the old
deaf peasant is making a shoeout of bits of fiber uh the past

(31:32):
is odd Prince Andrew, it's thefirst person he's seen, but
Prince Andrew ignores himbecause he's pathetic and old, I
assume.
It's something like that.
He ignores him, by the way,because he's not nice.
Because the people in the pastwho had power just are horrible.
I thought you were saying weknow from the way he's behaving
that the old deaf peasant is notnice.

SPEAKER_01 (31:51):
No, I think it's just because people like Andy
Pandy are horrible.
They don't have any respect forhuman life.
It sounds probable.
But also, on the

SPEAKER_00 (31:58):
other side, that peasant could be horrible as
well.
Might not be nice.
How do you think the limelightare doing Will I bet they're
barely limey at all up towardsthe house the lime trees I
wouldn't think the lime treesare a thriving no in fact
they've been cut down I'm afraidtake the limes with them you
don't get scurvy I know how muchyou like limes I don't think

(32:19):
that's what lime trees arethough oh they don't have limes
on them I don't know it's soambiguous sometimes Project
Gutenberg's translation cannotbe trusted because it could be
lemons is there not a kind oftree called a lime yeah it's got
limes on it now let's assume yesso the limes they've gone dead
dead limes up at the housethere's just a horse in the

(32:41):
rosebush just a horse in theoffice the windows are shuttered
there's a horse in the officeand obviously we've mentioned it
before mentioned the foxes thefoxes are living in the house
and there's two pigs in thecupboard smoking cigars nice but
don't worry Will they have leftthe house protected other than
the foxes they've left badgerswith guns badgers with guns

(33:04):
guns, the foxes.
Two pigs in the cupboard and alittle surf boy.
Oh, that's kind.
Who, on seeing Prince Andrew,ran into the house.
Wow.
How old are you?
Five?
Yeah, you'll do.
Just stay here and guard thehouse from the French army.
Don't let them in.
Good boy.
Apparently, actually, Alpatic isthere as well.

SPEAKER_01 (33:24):
Oh, he's got his

SPEAKER_00 (33:25):
letters.
He's come back.
Letter

SPEAKER_01 (33:27):
mission

SPEAKER_00 (33:28):
completed.
He's returned back to home baselike a good Roomba.
He's there with an unknownquantity of serfs, at least one.
A minimum of one.
Minimum of that one child,scared child.
Upper limit, a million probably.
Somewhere between one child andone million serfs are still
there.
It'd be cool if Alpetich hassourced his own serf army.

(33:51):
It would be cool.
To protect the house.
It'd be a cool twist.
It'd be pretty cool.
When Pandy arrives, Alpetich isdeep in a book.
I'm stuck.
Riveted.
What do you think he's reading?
I'm stuck in it.
He's physically stuck in a book.
So big.
What is he reading?
He could be reading...

(34:13):
I don't know what type of booksthey have.
Maybe he's reading like anencyclopedia.
Oh, it'll be a book about oats.
Oat Management.
A History of

SPEAKER_01 (34:20):
Oat Management.

SPEAKER_00 (34:21):
Well, sure.
It has that vibe.
He's actually reading The Livesof the Saints.
Oh, sure.
Which apparently...
as the name suggests, is a bookrecounting the lives of popular
saints.
Yeah, when they come marchingin.
Including their miracles, theirmartyrdoms, and their spiritual
achievements.
Sort of like those games, youknow, magic cards, whatever,

(34:43):
just reading the wiki.
He's reading...
The saint top trumps.
Yeah.
They were very popular,apparently.
So you don't need to be rudeabout it.
I'm not being rude about it.
I think they sound brilliant.
Very, very popular, particularlywith peasants.
Yeah.
Don't interrupt me.
I'm reading my saint book.
When Andy Pandy turns up,Alpatic is very moved.

(35:03):
He hastily steps up and withouta word begins weeping and
kissing Prince Andrew's,specifically his knee.
Oh, yeah.
Okay.
Nice.
It doesn't say if it's theinside or the outside of the
knee.
God, the inside is gross.
It could be, though.
Strange if it's the inside.
Could be, though, couldn't it?
He's sticking his letter there.
That's what he might be doing.
This is where

SPEAKER_01 (35:22):
you said to give the letter.

SPEAKER_00 (35:24):
When he has finally, despite everything that we've
seen, he pulls himself together,he gives Andy a full status
report.

SPEAKER_01 (35:33):
Letter delivered.

SPEAKER_00 (35:34):
It's like a verbal

SPEAKER_01 (35:35):
letter.
Letter bought back.

SPEAKER_00 (35:37):
Apparently, the valuables...
have all been moved previouslyto bogachavo.
Bogacharevo?
Bogacharevo.
Along with 70 quarters of grain.
70 quarters.

(35:57):
How many holes of grain is that,Will?

SPEAKER_01 (36:00):
Well, I mean, personally, I would divide it by
four.
So 35,

SPEAKER_00 (36:05):
17 and a half?
Surely it's 17 and a half.
I tried to look it up.
Surely.
Surely it's 17.
It has to be.
There's no source for that, butit must be 17 and a half.
It's wild if it's not.
Holes of grain.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
More importantly, though.
Fair play to the Russians forhaving a measurement system that
makes sense back then.
Well, actually.

(36:26):
The British one was insane.
You were doing so well, but thatis a very ignorant thing you've
said.
Because actually, it's the sameas the British one at the time.
It's very ignorant, but don'tworry because there's a chance
here to redeem yourself.
I've put in here, Will.
It's the only smart thing I wasgoing to say for the whole show.

(36:47):
I believe in you.
I believe in you.
I've put in here, Will, a smallbit of quiz.
Oh, good.
And here's the rules.
Oh, it's about measurement, soit's impossible.
If you get the question right.
Yep.
you get a point in the quiz atthe end of the season.
Sorry, those, whoa.
Whoa, I wasn't listening.
So I was too busy trying toinsult you.
And if you remember to tell meto give you the point.

(37:08):
Just getting a drink.
If you remember to tell me togive you the point, you also get
another point.
Oh, I'll never remember.
So there's two points I'vegrabbed, which is basically a
winning score.
But if I don't remember, I don'tget any points.
Correct.
So

SPEAKER_01 (37:22):
the only thing that would happen is I get two or
none.
Yes.
Because you're never going toremember.

SPEAKER_00 (37:28):
Let's make it more interesting.
If I remember, you get minus onepoint.
How about that?
And if I remember, well, Ishould get two.
Yeah, okay.
Right, so here's the questionthen.
We know that 70 quarters ofgrain is equivalent to 17 and a
half holes of grain.
We don't know that, though, dowe?
Well, we suspect it.
Actually, it's the thing wedon't know.
It's true, we don't know.
You already said we don't know.

(37:48):
That's the one thing we do know.
Okay, we don't know whether ornot it's equivalent to grain,
but what we do know is how manyliters, it's equivalent to?
What, we know how many liters aquarter?
No, 70 quarters of grain, weknow how many it's equivalent
to.

SPEAKER_01 (38:05):
Oh, so yeah, so we can work out the amount of
liters for one quarter.

SPEAKER_00 (38:09):
I'm not interested, to be honest.
I want to know how many liters70 quarters is.
Oh, I

SPEAKER_01 (38:16):
see

SPEAKER_00 (38:17):
what you mean.
So it's irrelevant about what awhole is or isn't.
Oh, you can use it if it helpsyou to divide it by four.
Well, I feel, I assume...
Maybe that a quart, right?
Which is an American thing.
Oh, interesting.
Okay.
Yeah.
I think a quart is like theirversion of a pint because our
pint is ludicrous.
What is it?
Like 566 or something or 600 andsomething.

(38:39):
So maybe a quart is just half alitre.
Okay.
Ish.
No.
Well, yeah.
Only because thinking like a

SPEAKER_01 (38:48):
modern day quart in America is roughly a pint, which
is essentially half a litre.
I'm thinking if they're in anyway connected, I would go with
their half a litre.
So was it 70 half litres?
So 35, 35 litres.

SPEAKER_00 (39:04):
So just to be clear then, you think that...
That's not a lot.
You think that Arpatic isreporting, don't worry, we've
moved 35 litres of grain.
Well, also...
Which is probably something youcould fit in a backpack.
Before you're being...
You could actually.
Before you're being...
You could fit it in a rubblesack.

UNKNOWN (39:22):
Probably.

SPEAKER_00 (39:22):
Yeah, no, you could, because my rubble, the ones I've
got from my garden, you fit 40kilograms in.
There you go, there you go.
It's not a lot, is it?
It's not a lot.
Not a thing to be proud of.
No, it's not a lot.
So probably, it's probablyhigher.
So like 200,

SPEAKER_01 (39:33):
500,

SPEAKER_00 (39:34):
287 litres.
Well, let me give you the hint.
No.

UNKNOWN (39:40):
I'm giving you the hint.

SPEAKER_00 (39:42):
The grain gallon or half peck was composed of 76,800
tower grains.
I'm not listening anymore.
The ale gallon was composed ofthe ale filling an equivalent
container and the wine gallonwas composed of the wine
weighing an equivalent amount toa full gallon of grain.
This is why, right, everyonelistening, um, The invention of

(40:04):
metric saved the world.
What, you don't think thatthe...
The amount of wine that fits ina specific wine box.
Well, it's even worse than that.
It's the amount of wineequivalent to the amount of a
full gallon of grain is how wineis measured.
Anyway, we digress.
Dude, stupid.
Give me a number.
No.
70 quarters.
How many litres of grain?
1,000.

(40:25):
You're very wrong.
It's 20,300 litres of grain.
do you think that's more or lessthan an Olympic swimming pool
for half a point more or less20,000 litres yeah Is it exactly
the same?
Exactly.
You had a 50-50 chance.
That is exactly the same.
You had a 50-50 chance ofgetting...

(40:45):
Down to the last quart.
Getting half a point there.
You chose to play the thirdgame, which is I don't want any
points.
No, I'm saying it's an optionthat wasn't given.
I think, and I'll try and proveit, that it is identical.
That's where an Olympic swimmingpool comes from, that
measurement.
Well, from what I read, anyway,you can take it as you wish.

(41:06):
The Olympic swimming pool has avolume of approximately...
approximately two and a halfmillion litres.

SPEAKER_01 (41:11):
Oh, it's a lot more.

SPEAKER_00 (41:13):
Yeah, it's a lot more.
I

SPEAKER_01 (41:14):
think some homework for myself is I need to study, I
need to have a litre of water inmy hands and really get to know
it.

SPEAKER_00 (41:20):
I'd be shocked if this exact question isn't asked
again in the quiz.
And I'll be shocked if I

SPEAKER_01 (41:25):
get it

SPEAKER_00 (41:25):
right.
So there we go.
They didn't move an Olympicswimming pool worth, but they
did remove, they did move afairly remarkable amount of
grain.
Is that a lot though of grain?
Well, what is it?
What do you do with it?
A hundredth or something of athousandth of an Olympic
swimming pool.
Is that enough?
It's quite a lot.
It's a significant proportion.
You could eat that in like aday.
No, no, no.

(41:46):
It's basically all the grainthey made.
Two thirds of it or something.
Lost the plums though, so it'snot all gravy, is it?
We'll come back to the plums.
Good.
We can't leave a...
Important story point like that.
I can't leave this plum crimeunsolved.
I wish I had such good news,Will, about the hay and spring
corn.

(42:07):
But apparently...
How many quarts?
Give me the number.
Give me the damage.
What's the damage?
I wish I could tell you.
I can't because apparently thetroops, the Russian troops,
commandeered it, Will.
Naughty boys.
They cut it down and they ate itwhile it was still green.
Those naughty little piggies.
The peasants are completelyruined.
They just ate it like raw.

(42:28):
Do you want to hear about theoats, Will?
You're not supposed to just eatit like out the ground like
animals.
You heard what it's like forthem on the road.
Covered in dust.
Yeah.
They're going to get astomachache after that.
They will get a stomachache.
I think they'll get really sick.
That's maybe why they destroyedthe ornament garden.
Go on lads, eat the grain likecows.
And pushed over that tree.

(42:48):
What about the oats, Will?
What about them?
Oh, I'm afraid

SPEAKER_01 (42:54):
to say

SPEAKER_00 (42:54):
that the oats didn't make it.
The worst news, sire.
Oh, your family's dead, but theoats didn't make it.
Sit down, sir.
You're not going to believethis.
The oats.
Oats Not So Simple.
Would

SPEAKER_01 (43:08):
that work as a title for a show?
Do Americans know the brand OatsSo Simple?

SPEAKER_00 (43:11):
I've got no idea.
You don't know?
Fine.
If you don't know, I barelyunderstand it to be honest.
You don't get the joke, so

SPEAKER_01 (43:16):
that's fine.

SPEAKER_00 (43:17):
No one does.
But good title nonetheless.
If people

SPEAKER_01 (43:19):
eat porridge, they'll get the joke if they
know the

SPEAKER_00 (43:21):
brand.
Well, they could certainly beeating porridge because we still
have 600 quarters left, which is150 holes probably.
Yeah, okay.
And that's, well, how manyswimming pools is that?
I don't know, but it's...
You shouldn't introduce a newmeasurement and then not be
consistent.
I'd like to know everything inswimming pools now.
It's 20,000, whatever.
It doesn't matter.
It's a fair crack of oats.

(43:42):
About 10 times.
It's about 200,000.
Okay, it's a good amount.
Good amount.
Yeah, good amount.
A tenth of an Olympic-sizedswimming pool, by my maths.
Am I to let the troops have theoats and to take a receipt for
them?
Asks Alpertich.
What should he do?
Do what you want, mate.
Who smashed my plums up?
That's how Andy feels as well.

(44:03):
What am I to say to him?
I care.
Thought Prince Andrew, lookingdown on the old man's bald head
shining in the sun.
I don't care, baldy.
Do what you want.
I'm sorry to say, but that's theend of the conversation about
crops now.
I was enjoying that.
But I do have some moreinformation from Al Patek, some
more business matters, and itwill clear up a lot of things

(44:25):
you've been wondering, Iimagine.
I have been wondering.
So three regiments of dragoonshave stayed the night in the
ornamental garden, and they madea mess.
And they made a mess.
And fortunately, Al Patek hastaken down their details, and he
is going to make a complaint.
Oh, he's going to like this guy.
Don't worry, I've got a list.
He hasn't made the complaintyet, but he will do.

(44:46):
I'll make one.
Also, the family...
Uh, the sun.
The father, the sister.
It does

SPEAKER_01 (44:52):
seem odd that that wasn't how this conversation
started.

SPEAKER_00 (44:56):
The whole gist of this conversation is Andy really
needs, really he's desperateactually to know about his
family, but Albertich justreally exclusively wants to talk
about it.
He really did just start withthe oats, basically.
He wants to talk about his onetrue love, which is oats.
And can we blame him?
He's like, listen, listen,obviously I'm going to get to
the bit about your family.
All right.
So just, I don't want you towalk away.
So I just, cause I, I personallycare a lot about the oats.

(45:18):
All right.
So we're going to just gothrough this stuff.
We'll both get something fromthis conversation.
I'll go.
If I just say, all your familyare dead, I'm worried you're not
going to listen to the oats bit.
Well, it's better news thanthat.
But there is a bit of amiscommunication here.
It's very subtle.
Tolstoy doesn't dwell on it.
You have to notice it yourselfwith your eyes.
He says, the family left on the7th.

(45:43):
Right.
Here's what happens exactly.
I can't believe you managed tonotice this.
Wait a second.
You can't notice it twicethough, can you?
When did my father and sisterleave?
Meaning, when did they leave forMoscow?

SPEAKER_01 (45:58):
Correct.

SPEAKER_00 (45:59):
Alpatic, understanding the question to
refer to their departure forBogucharovo, replied that they
had left on the 7th.
So, did you notice?
No, I didn't notice anything.
Well, I think there might be, Idon't know, there might be
something coming up where...
Andy Pandy thinks they've goneto Moscow, but actually they've

(46:19):
gone with the possessions toBogotarevo.
Do you reckon Bogotarevo's inMoscow?
Bogotarevo could actually be inMoscow.
Could be a little suburb.
It seemed to me like there was amiscommunication, but maybe
there wasn't.
Did my family make it to Moscow?
Yes, they've made it toBogotarevo on time.
Well, that would have beenclearer.

(46:42):
Yeah.
Suddenly, a group of bareheadedpeasants started to approach.
They got bareheads?
They're bears?
Everyone seems to be bald.
Oh, I thought they hadbareheads, bears, the animals.
Could be, could be, could be.
And they could be baldunderneath that.

UNKNOWN (46:57):
God.

SPEAKER_00 (46:57):
Yeah, bald bears.
Could be suddenly a furry story.
Or like, what's that horriblefilm?
The Purge?
You know, they wear those masks?
Yeah.
Like that, but they're bearmasks or whatever.
Could be segwaying into a briefPurge story.
Anyway, these bald peasants arecoming.
They are all bald, aren't they?
Is it because they're baldhills?
You have to be bald to be aroundthere.

(47:18):
I think it is that.
There's bald hills, bald people,everyone's bald.
Everyone's bald round here.
On seeing these people, Alpetichfalls to the floor and grabs
Andy Pandy's leg.
When you see bald people, it'stime to go, I think is the
point.
Careful, I don't like them! Hebursts into tears.
I guess he's grasping the backof his knee.
Gently disengaging himself, theprince spurred his horse Oh,

(47:40):
it's Dusty Springfield.
Dusty Springfield does comeback.
That's good.
And rode down the avenue at agallop.
Doesn't comfort him or anythingelse.
Sorry,

SPEAKER_01 (47:47):
I'm confused.
Why did

SPEAKER_00 (47:48):
Albertich hit the deck and start crying?
Because the bald lads walked in.
I hate them! Because he's beenleft alone in a house that will
soon be overrun by the Frencharmy.
Oh, and Andy's like, cool mate,see ya.
Your problem, see ya.
He does say to him, you shouldgo to one of our other estates
somewhere, take the surfs withyou.
Join yourself.
That sort of thing.
Albertich, I think he likes theplace.

(48:09):
Take your ball mates out for anight or whatever.
He doesn't feel like going.
He likes the foxes.
Back out Andy goes on DustySpringfield.
Back past the horses in the roadbush, the rose bush, the lime
tree, the ornamental garden.
That was a horse sound, by theway.
He was very, very good.
The old shoe man is still there.
And I quote, like a flyimpassive on the face of a loved

(48:33):
one who is dead.
tough excuse me uh two littlegirls come out of the hot house
we're going to tie up uh theplums storyline now oh yeah
their skirts are full of plumsah guilty the thieves on seeing
the young master the elder onewith a frightened look clutched
her younger companion by thehand and hid with her behind a

(48:54):
birch tree not stopping to pickup the green plums they had
dropped um pandy decides in amoment of complete um i should
really kill those children no hedecides the opposite he decides
uh he has a new emotion actuallywell here it is described his
new emotion never felt before herealized the existence of other

(49:15):
human interests entirely alooffrom him aloof from his own and
just as legitimate as those thatoccupied him well isn't this
great because i said at thebeginning when he was just
dismissive of that

SPEAKER_01 (49:24):
deaf

SPEAKER_00 (49:25):
guy making a shoe in the middle didn't help out at
all

SPEAKER_01 (49:28):
this is great also another thing about the the
russian army when they were justeating grain raw out of the
ground like cows when they eatthe plums

SPEAKER_00 (49:36):
are they weird those little girls take to the plums I
assume ow ow ow crazy it's abizarre medical marvel and they
ate all that poison a few booksago we're back on the road Will
and it's hot Will it's hot it'sdusty did I mention the dust you

(49:57):
mentioned dust it's dusty it'sdustier now six inches of dust
six seven inches now.
Eight tops.
I quote, there was no wind.
That's probably...
2.4 quarts of dust.
That's a lot of dust.
Minimum.
It's minimum.
The sun, a red ball through thedust, burned and scorched his

(50:17):
back intolerably through hisblack coat covered in dust.
Dust.
The dust always hung motionlessabove the buzz of talk that came
from the resting troops.
Dust.
Dust.
He gets back to his regiment andit turns out that they've
stopped at a small muddy greenpond and everyone has taken off
their clothes.
Please, dive into the dust bowlThey've got off their clothes

(50:39):
and they've gone into the pond.
They're all naked.
There's so many of them in therethat the pond has risen by one
foot.
What's that in quotes?
We will find out in the quiz.
All this naked white human fleshlaughing and shrieking
floundered about in that dirtypool like carp stuffed into a
watering can.

(51:00):
And the suggestion of merrimentin that floundering mass
rendered it especially pathetic.

SPEAKER_01 (51:06):
Jesus, cheer up, mate.
They're just having fun.

SPEAKER_00 (51:09):
One lad, I think I've written he's ginger.
I don't know if that's true.
I think I might have made thatup, actually.
Such a bizarre thing to make up.
Enjoy yourself, though.
He does a cannonball.
Does he?
It's pathetic.
Oh, look at that pathetic worm.
Another shaggy, non-commissionedofficer stood up to his waist in
the water, joyfully wrigglinghis muscular figure and snorted

(51:31):
with satisfaction as he pouredthe water over his head with his
hands blackened to the wrists.
Pathetic.
I hope he dies.
Totally pathetic, Andy thinks.
There were sounds of menslapping one another, yelling
and puffing.
It is truly...
Pathetic.
I preferred it when it was justdust and we were just walking in

(51:52):
the dust and everyone was sad.
Everywhere you turn, Will, thereis, I quote, healthy white
muscular flesh.

SPEAKER_01 (51:59):
That's such a gross quote to say so many times.

SPEAKER_00 (52:03):
Timakin is drying his bright red nose on the bank.
That's funny.
It's very nice, Your Excellency.
Wouldn't you like to, he said.
So he's drying his nose on theside of a river bank.
He's drying.
On the floor.
Look.
I've taken some creative licensethere.
He was drying.
He has a bright red nose.

(52:24):
Yeah, he's like a...
I assume he dried his nose.
Like a dog or something.
Sure, like Rudolph.
It's scratching his ears.
On a summer holiday.
Yeah, yeah.
It's dirty, replied PrinceAndrew, making a grimace.
We'll clear it out for you in aminute, said Timakin.
You can't.
It's disgusting and I hate you.
He's naked.
He runs off to clear the men outof the pond.
The prince wants to bathe.
Clean the pond! Anyway, hedecides that he'd rather wash

(52:46):
himself in the water in a barn.
and he thinks fresh bodiescannon fodder he thought and he
looked at his own naked bodyhe's naked now for some reason
um why is he naked actually idon't i think i think he turned
up naked and he's just like ohthis is a bit of luck has he
been naked this whole time bitof luck everyone is naked i've
just been naked by myself hevery clearly is not going to

(53:08):
swim so why is he naked he justturned up I'd do the same if you
turn up all your mates naked

SPEAKER_01 (53:12):
you're

SPEAKER_00 (53:13):
just like well I'll get naked straight away what are
you idiots doing by the way hashe always been naked this whole
book maybe he's been yeah maybehe's never has he ever worn
clothes I think that's in lawnow that Andy Pandy's always
been naked naked Andy um helooked at his own naked body
maybe he's like where are myclothes shattered oh my god I've
been naked this whole book thosefoxes stole my clothes oh god

(53:34):
books ago those little girlsstole the plums and my trousers
um He shuddered, not from thecold, but from a sense of
disgust and horror he did nothimself understand.
Aroused by the sight of thatimmense number of bodies
splashing about in the dirtypond, he's thinking about the
time, all the grief anddestruction and death that he's

(53:56):
experienced, I think, and it'sreminding him of that.
He'd hate water parks, wouldn'the?
So, yes, he would.
That is, in a way, the end ofthe chapter, but I did say at
the start to hang around becauseum because you have to for the
show to keep going for theconcept if no one does

SPEAKER_01 (54:15):
hang around it's really bad for the show

SPEAKER_00 (54:17):
and I mentioned that I thought Tolstoy had a few
problems um planning this book,fitting everything in.
His wife's hand is definitelyhere.
Maybe

SPEAKER_01 (54:28):
there was like an issue at home.
There's just suddenly loads ofdust everywhere.

SPEAKER_00 (54:31):
And so they cut out all of the long journey to and
from the house.
And then what they also did wasthey just tacked on three
paragraphs at the end of thischapter, which forms a small
letter, not involving any of thepeople that have been in this
chapter so far.
How is the letter delivered ifthere's no letter deliverer?
By by no one, I think.

(54:51):
We don't know who delivered it.
This is wrong.
Well, it's you in your uniform,obviously.
It would be me, of course, but Ididn't know about it.
And yet you've done it.
Yeah.
And so we haven't heard reallyanything about the war that we
didn't already know.
No.
So now we've just got a veryheavy fire hose of information.
and intrigue about the war.

SPEAKER_01 (55:12):
I feel like Tolstoy in almost invented exposition,
right?
It's like, let's just get reallyarty, talk about dust and
everyone's naked.

SPEAKER_00 (55:19):
And by the way,

SPEAKER_01 (55:20):
by the way,

SPEAKER_00 (55:21):
everything else that's gone on is just on this
quick letter.
So it's a letter from Bagration.
Oh yeah, okay, Baggy.
He was also on the SmolenskRoad.
Bag-a-loof.
And he's sending it to CountAlexis Andreevich, which is
Arachiv.
Arachnid.
Arachnid by another name.
Spider boy.
We don't know which road Arachivis on, but we can assume he is

(55:44):
near a road.
He'll be

SPEAKER_01 (55:46):
on at least one.

SPEAKER_00 (55:47):
It's a letter addressed to Arachiv, but Baggy,
he's a smart guy, he knows thatif he sends it to him, the
Emperor will also read it.
Ah, CC'd in.
It's a CC, intentional CCmistake.
Because

SPEAKER_01 (56:02):
Baggy hates Spider-Man.
They all hate each other.

SPEAKER_00 (56:05):
Well, it's not the only person Baggy hates.
The upshot of the letter is thatthe stuff that happened in
Smolensk was all Barclay deTolly's fault.

SPEAKER_01 (56:16):
Oh, that's who he hates.
Yeah,

SPEAKER_00 (56:18):
yeah, yeah.
It was his fault.
It was Barclay de Tolly's faultthat Smolensk was abandoned to
the enemy.
Bagration did try to stop him.
I tried so hard.
He wouldn't listen.
You're not going to believethis.
He actually didn't care aboutit.
Yeah, I personally, actually,me, Bagration, personally held
the enemy at bay for 35 hours.
I held one guy for 35 hours andhe was just trying to set stuff

(56:40):
on fire.
I stopped that.
Whereas Barclay de Tolly ranaway after 14 hours after
promising he wouldn't.

SPEAKER_01 (56:46):
Yeah.
And you know I'm not lyingbecause I've given him a lot of
hours as well.

SPEAKER_00 (56:50):
Yeah, it's 14.
Less than half.
If you do compare, mine's overdouble.
So I'm just saying.
And I hope this isn't too harsh,but he is a disgraceful stain
and he should be killed.
He's a disgraceful pig and heshould have his head cut off.
I'm sure when he speaks to you,He'll say that I lost thousands
of men.
Oh, he'll say loads of lies,won't he?

(57:11):
He'll say that, and I'll admit,yes, sure, but it wasn't more
than 4,000.
Yeah, and weirdly, I'm actuallygoing to, what he says about me
that's negative, yeah, you knowwhat?
It is true.
It is true, actually.
It is true.
It was bad.
It was thousands.
I am rubbish.
It was thousands, multiplethousands.
Only 4,000.
But I stayed, in terms of hours,I stayed over double.

(57:34):
More hours.
If that doesn't count, what'sthe point then?
More hours, more people died.
more hours yeah all my men timemore hours more time Iraq no
spider monkey man he should havehis head carved no that's
Barclay you got confused againwhatever kill them all and
anyway 4,000.
Hold that number in your mind.
We lost 15,000 on the retreatanyway.
Yeah, we lost way more than thatlater on.

(57:55):
So we might as well have stayedand they could have died there.
Yeah, also suddenly, why doessomeone care about 4,000 men
dying straight away when 15,000died yesterday?
No one cares.
Exactly.
Anyway, it's all Barclay deTolly's fault.
It's a war under the bridge.
Also, I heard that apparentlyyou're thinking of making peace.
Yep.
Just to say, I just wanted tosay, you can't do that because
too many people have died now.

(58:16):
Don't.
All in.
So we're all in.
Don't.
We're all in.
What's the point of makingpeace?
We'd all be alive,

SPEAKER_01 (58:22):
but we're all going to, I think we should all

SPEAKER_00 (58:24):
die anyway.
We should all die.
And anyway, I don't know if youheard of it before, but I just
wanted to repeat again, by theway, it is all Barclay de
Tolly's fault.
He should be sacked or killed orsomething.
Shot out of a cannon.
And like, if you can findsomeone that's like clever and
cool.
I don't know.
Someone who looks like me.
Oh, someone that looks a lotlike that looks like me i don't

(58:44):
care they could replace him andi do it if you ask because i
don't care about doing it youknow yeah and you know what
there's more good things aboutme i've got loads of other stuff
as well if you need anotherletter about that i'll send that
look here's just a couple morethings about me just to end up
end the letter final thoughts umlook i've got to be honest with
you no one here likes theimperial aid to camp wall zoggan

(59:07):
Everyone hates Wall-E.
People don't like him and theythink he's a traitor.
He stinks.
He's a traitor.
And a lot of people wish he wasdead.
But because he's the emperor'spal, right?
You know what?
I am nice to him.
But I respect his position.
Because I love the emperor.
Yeah.
I mean, people have said thingslike he

SPEAKER_01 (59:25):
stinks.
He's disgusting.
Other people are mean to him.
Yes.
I've got a whole other letter ofinsults about him.

SPEAKER_00 (59:30):
Yeah.
And then it's just this finalspeech then.
And this is the end now.
There is no letter to follow theletter unrelated to the previous
letter.

SPEAKER_02 (59:38):
Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 (59:39):
There's no more things that are broken at the
Bald Hills house.
What about the bananas?
Do they have bananas?
Apples?
There's absolutely nothing aboutbananas coming up.
Apples?
No, no tea, no fruit, nothing.
This is the end now.
This is the end.
Tell me, for God's sakes, whatwill Russia, our mother Russia,
say to our being so frightened?

(01:00:01):
And why are we abandoning ourgood and gallant fatherland to
such rabble and implantingfeelings of hatred and shame in
all of our subjects?

SPEAKER_01 (01:00:09):
Why?

SPEAKER_00 (01:00:10):
What are we scared of?
What are we scared at?
And of whom are we afraid?
I am not to blame, by the way.
And a final thing.
It's actually not my fault.
I am not to blame that theminister, which is another way
of saying Barclay de Tollybecause he's a minister.
I am not to blame that theminister is vacillating a

(01:00:30):
coward, dense...
Ugly pig.
Ugly, deliratory pig.
And has all bad qualities.
Which I've outlined very clearlyin the letter.
Please do see above.
The whole army bewails it.
Everyone's saying it.
Everyone hates him.
And they call down curses uponhim.
I'm really good, by the way.

(01:00:53):
I'm amazing.
And that is, Will, that's theend.
That's that.
It's the summary summary.
Okay, looking at the time, wedon't have time.
So, we've only got 13 minutesleft in the studio.
Hello, everyone.
We're going to go straight in.
Yes, why not?
We've got to.

(01:01:13):
It doesn't matter what name Isay.
We'll just make another one upthat's better.
I haven't even had time toprepare the 10-second timer.
You haven't even had 10 secondsto prepare the timer.
I'm just going to count in myhead, okay?
I don't like it.
No, no.
We've got standards.
No.
All right, I'll find a timeronline.
Do it properly.
All right.
All right, fine.
We've been doing this for

SPEAKER_01 (01:01:33):
however many years.
I'm having

SPEAKER_00 (01:01:35):
this adjudicated properly.
Well, there has been a fewoccasions where I've...
Oh, we shouldn't be having thisargument.
I should be thinking about theepisode.
Okay, well, I've got the 10second timer in three, two...
One.
Oh, it's so simple.
Dust, dust, dust, dust.
There's dust everywhere.
It's Pandy.
He's back home.

(01:01:55):
Everyone's gone and the plumshave been knocked over.
And by the way, it wasn't bagrations fault.
Oh, that's very chipper.
It's the internet.
Very, very good.
Yeah.
Oats So Simple is a joke thatapparently no one alive will
get.
Was that the name of the chapterthere?
The episode I went for, Oats SoSimple.

(01:02:16):
Ah, it would have been good towork in dust.
Yeah, obviously it would havebeen, but I couldn't think of a
pun in the no seconds I had.
Well, as per the new rules, ifwe think of a better one in the
pub in a minute, we will go forit.
It probably should be dustrelated.
Yeah.
Like all we are is dust in thebin.
we'll work on it later we didn'tdo it now well there we go I

(01:02:37):
hope you had a good time all weare is dust hey do you remember
we made that LinkedIn postLinkedIn as if it was LinkedIn
Instagram post when Darren thehorse died and I put dust in the
wind

SPEAKER_01 (01:02:49):
all we are is dust beautiful stuff that would be
great if we get the rights tothat song

SPEAKER_00 (01:02:53):
we'll try we'll certainly try in the next hour
we have alright we

SPEAKER_01 (01:02:57):
have to leave the studio

SPEAKER_00 (01:02:59):
everyone that's the episode it's done thank you I
hope you enjoyed it if youdidn't enjoy it I hope you it's
not our fault I hope you findsomething else you enjoy I hope
you get over it thank you forlistening to the show thank you
see you next time bye