It happened one night while sleeping in an open bay at Army AIT. If you didn’t want yelled at by a drill sargeant the whole time you were making your bed you slept on top of the covers. I also slept in PT uniform of a tshirt and shorts on the top bunk. I was woke up by a man’s (drill sargeant) hand slowly moving up my leg up over my body, and down my arm. I opened my eyes and when I saw him standing I immediately closed my eyes and froze. I could not move. The events that happened that night changed my life forever at age 18. I was afraid to report it at the time. I was one way a happy, trusting, PTSD free mindset. After I was depressed, rolled up in a ball on the floor crying, not knowing why. I was in complete denial. The moment I left I suppressed the incident ever happened.
Germany was my first duty station in 1991 during the Gulf War. I went from not drinking and never trying drugs to drinking excessively and doing a variety of drugs. Anything I could do to numb my feelings, and not face the pain. I did not know that I had PTSD. I just knew something was wrong.
I dated my future husband in Germany and we had a very on and off again relationship. It was hard for me to trust, or respect a man. We married in 1993 and I transitioned out of the Army to Ft. Bragg where he was stationed. I had a very hard time transitioning to civilian life. I joined the Army Reserves and was assigned with the 82nd Aviation as support. I got a civilian job in sales. I was fired because I could not make the sales quota. It felt like being thrown into another world and being expected to know how to do the job. After only 4 months out of active duty I reenlisted active duty Army as a Combat medic.
I was assigned to Womack Army Medical Center. I went from being the soldier that was picked for having the best uniform to escort the Generals around to not getting along with my chain of command. I was demoted and later on earned back the rank. I was the medic that the Army nurses came to do things because I was great at my job. I was assigned to Smoke Bomb Hill Family Practice to take care of Special Forces family Members. I helped manage the clinic. I struggled with getting along with my chain of command once again. I had separated from my husband at the time multiple times.
Still not knowing I had PTSD or what PTSD was. I just knew that I was would self sabotage my life off and on. I worked in stressful jobs as a nurse in the ER and other areas of healthcare. I felt drawn to the stress. Fast forward to 2019 I was really struggling. I was tired of my own shit for the last 30 years. I was considering suicide and was in a very low place and felt stuck there. I reached out to a veteran group for help. I started to notice that multiple vets were expressing they wanted to end their life. I reached out to them as a good listener and someone they could relate to.
I started working with a Veterans crisis team and I saw that I was making a difference in other veterans lives and giving them hope. I was still struggling myself with suicidal thoughts. I decided to go to the VA for help. I put in a claim for PTSD related to MST and after 2 years and much frustration I was awarded 100 percent. The counseling at the VA helped me, combined with networking with other veteran groups online. I networked with other veteran businesses online and found a community of support that I has really changed my life. My advice would be to get help early on. I let PTSD control my life for too long.
I started my own business Soldier Girl Coffee and affiliate program to help inspire other veterans that you can have PTSD and still find healthy coping mechanisms, and do anything you want to do in this life as long as you don’t give up. I found that CBD oil is a tool that has helped my PTSD. I am offering a 100% THC Free CBD infused coffee in the hopes others will find it can help them also. Https://sgcoffee.co; FB- Soldier Girl Coffee; IG- @soldiergirlcoffeecompany