October 6, 2024 • 65 mins
Brandi joins us for a deeply moving episode of Warrior Moms, where she shares an intimate and poignant story about her son Cole, a young man whose spirit touched everyone he met. Discover how Cole's joyful nature and love for sports and life left an indelible mark on his family, friends, and community. Through Brandi's vivid storytelling, we get to know Cole as a kind-hearted, humorous soul, forming bonds on and off the field, and even bringing laughter home with playful antics.
But life took a devastating turn with a tragic car accident that claimed Cole's life. Brandi opens up about the heart-wrenching weekend that changed everything, painting an immense picture of the support and love that family, friends, and their school community gave them. As we listen, Brandi shares the essential guidance from a family friend who had walked a similar path, and the powerful tribute organized to honor Cole's memory, complete with heartfelt mementos and an unforgettable timeline of his life.
In her journey of navigating grief, Brandi shares personal reflections on finding moments of healing and normalcy. We explore the strategies she employed—such as reading and exercise—that brought solace amidst sorrow. By embracing Cole's essence of joy, Brandi inspires us with her resilience, finding comfort in teaching and connecting with those around her. This episode is a testament to the enduring power of love, community, and the cherished memories of those we hold dear.
"Dream Bird" by Jonny Easton
Thank you for listening to Warrior Moms podcast. It is an honor to share about our beloved children gone too soon, and we hope by telling of our loss, it may help someone in their grief journey. Please note that we are not medical professionals and encourage those listening to seek help from mental health professionals.
We'd love to hear from our followers!
Website: https://www.warriormoms.me/
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With love,
Warrior Moms Amy & Michele
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Michele Davis (00:01):
Well, hello and welcome back to Warrior Moms.
It's been a minute, Amy, I know.
I know we said that once schoolgot back in we would be more on
a routine, but I don't think so.
No, well, I'm just.
I'm glad to see your face.
I know you've had a few thingson your plate recently, so I'm
glad you're back and feelingback.
(00:22):
I know.
I'm excited to see everybody andI'm really excited to see our
friend today.
Miss Brandy, you are on thescene, hello, welcome.
Of course we don't want you tobe here, but we're so glad that
you are and that we've met youand gosh, just from the second I
met well, actually, even beforeI met you people said oh my
(00:45):
gosh, you've got to meet Brandy.
She is just with just your joyand, I don't know, just your
love for, of course, your kids,and so that's what we're-.
And life.
You seem to enjoy life.
You radiate?
Brandi Couey (01:02):
happiness, so I try my best.
Michele Davis (01:08):
Well, let's, let's start out with just tell
us who Cole is.
Brandi Couey (01:14):
Well, do you want me to start from?
At what point would you likefor me to start?
Michele Davis (01:20):
Yeah, just tell us like start with maybe just
describing adjectives like whatyou would how would you describe
him?
And then maybe, if there's astory that sticks out when you
talk about Cole, that you'relike, ah, this really captures a
good piece of him.
Brandi Couey (01:37):
Right?
Well, let's see.
So from birth, I mean prettymuch, he was always infectious,
like, could walk in andregardless of the people in the
room, he could find something incommon with anybody from, I
mean, from older people toyounger people.
(01:59):
He just enjoyed life.
It was so funny.
You were talking about joy.
Joy is 100% what I would use todescribe him.
And it's so weird when I talkabout it because you know,
people are like, well, you know,there had to have been just
some times where he was Nope,nope, there weren't.
(02:21):
Like I don't know how toexplain it Like he was a great
friend to all.
He was a great kid, a goodstudent.
Teachers loved him.
He was I clearing brawl, bothteams out on the field.
We were just watching it andCole looks over at me, goes God,
(02:57):
mom, I would love to be in abrawl like that.
And my husband starts dyinglaughing.
He said, cole, have you't thinkso?
Like um, just the most kindhearted um, just I don't know
how to explain it Like I don't.
I always said he hatched froman egg, cause I have a pretty
fast, hot temper.
And um, he was just even keel.
(03:20):
Um, you know all about what'sfair and his coaches loved him.
Just a great, just a great kid,a great young man what sports
did he play?
Michele Davis (03:33):
You say, his coaches loved him.
What sports did he play?
Brandi Couey (03:36):
So his dad was a baseball player.
So we started out in thebaseball.
We played every sport, let'sjust say that, but started out
soccer.
Like you know, a lot of littlekids do Get some energy out,
yeah, yes.
Then we went on to t-ball andhe played travel travel baseball
for a while and, like a lot ofkids, he got burnout.
(04:01):
He was just, he didn't havethat kind of personality where
he just had to be, you know.
So he was like yeah, thesepeople take this too seriously.
I'm ready to move on.
So he started they.
He kind of dabbled in football alittle bit when he was little,
but he was always tall but superskinny and so I was afraid
(04:22):
they're going to break him inhalf, but I'll let him do it
anyway.
But he picked it back up ineighth grade and really, really
loved it, ended up being areceiver all the way through
school.
And he played basketball.
Now, basketball wasn't his.
He was great at basketball, butit wasn't.
You know his love.
(04:42):
But he absolutely adored hisbasketball coach.
So I promise you, without adoubt, he stuck it out in
basketball so he could be withhis coach.
Oh, I love that.
Yes, and they had a great bondand he's just and I actually
teach with him and taught bothof his children, oh my gosh, so
(05:03):
just, um, just the.
I mean they had this crazy bondand Jacob, that was his coach.
He said, you know, I could comein all mad at halftime and I
would look over and look at Coleand I couldn't be mad anymore.
I would just start laughing,cause Cole would be like what do
we?
What do we when we go home,coach?
Are we going to stop at Bucky'son the way home?
(05:24):
You know, like whatever.
I think he has told a storyliterally where they went in
like five below on the way froma way to a way away game and
they went in five below andfound these bananas, like
plastic bananas or something Allthe boys did who knows, you
know, they're high school boysand he's sitting over there like
(05:45):
poking people in the back ofthe head while Jacob's like
slinging the you know hisclipboard, like you know coach's
stuff, and Cole's over there,like you know, he's like, oh my
God, he's like, you know, just agood hearted kid.
Yes.
Michele Davis (06:02):
Oh, my gosh, that's.
I think that I mean I have sucha clear picture in my head.
Absolutely, I love it silly,funny, goofy.
Brandi Couey (06:13):
I don't know he would do, and one of the things
he liked to do was get mydaughter's american girl doll
stuff and dress our cat up andmean like as a teenager you know
this wasn't when he was littleand he put like the little
glasses on the cat and he putthe cat in his overalls and
carried around.
I mean like it was alwayssomething.
(06:36):
He was never bored, ever so.
Michele Davis (06:40):
So if Cole wasn't playing sports or being
silly with his sister, what weresome of the things that Cole
loved to do?
Brandi Couey (06:48):
So he and his dad hunted quite a bit duck hunted,
different things like that.
He was very active, which wasvery strange.
He started going to youth groupwith a friend of his when he
was young, at a whole differentchurch than ours, and got really
involved in their youth groupand they may.
(07:13):
He made a connection with some.
He did a thing called Johnnyand Friends and it's a camp for
special needs children but theirwhole family goes and that was
something he was super, superpassionate about.
He did an internship at ourelementary school with the
(07:34):
self-contained special ed kidsand they just thought he was,
you know, the best thing ever.
But he, that camp, I mean hecame home from that.
He, I think he and one of hisfriends, evelyn, went together.
It was in Nauvoo, alabama.
I may be butchering that, butanyway.
But it's a super cool camp.
(07:55):
I mean state-of-the-artfacilities and they would assign
you to a family and sometimesyour job was to watch the other
siblings, sometimes your job wasto be with that special needs
child, sometimes it was just tobe a you know, whatever your job
was.
And he came home from that campand it was just like wow, like
(08:20):
he had kind of found his thingand it was I didn't get to talk
to him.
I had never not communicatedwith him, you know cause.
You know, I mean he'd go off ontrips and stuff, but I would be
able to talk to him at least atnight or whatever, but they had
no cell service.
So, um, I only got to talk tohim every other day.
(08:41):
But I mean it didn't matterbecause he knew exactly.
You know he was so, so exciteddoing that, loved that camp,
went back the next year, um, anddid it again.
Um, did lots of stuff with Dan,spent lots of time with his
friends just doing crazy stuff.
I mean they would who knowswhat they would do, but all
(09:01):
kinds of stuff.
Um, he was very active, youknow, graduated from high school
, went to Georgia Southern, wasan ATO at Southern, so that kept
him busy.
You know he just, I don't know,had a girlfriend occasionally.
You know he was just I don'tknow.
(09:24):
He would just go hang out withhis nanny, you know, like his
grandmother, and just hang outwith his old nanny and she'd
cook him some pancakes and theyjust hang out and talk about the
weather or politics.
He could just as easily hang outwith her as he could his own
(09:45):
friends like I don't.
It's hard to explain becauseit's almost like just an old
soul, you know, um, it lookslike it, yeah, just just that,
just.
But he did not.
It's the funniest story.
Um, he didn't like to be byhimself ever super, super social
, and when he was little littlehe would get in trouble for
(10:06):
something who knows whatprobably being mean to his
sister and I'd say, mama, justspank me.
Mama, just spank me.
And I realized very quickly hedid not want to have to sit by
himself somewhere, and so thatwas definitely an eye-opening
experience for me, because hewanted spankings way more than
(10:27):
he wanted me to isolate him.
So you know, I had to thosedifferent kinds of disciplinary
measures.
I realized real quick to getwhat I wanted out of him I had
to separate him from everybodyelse.
He needed that.
So so much, it's precious.
Michele Davis (10:45):
He'll stink up on top of it, right?
Yes, so we'll switch gears.
Okay, we talked about he wentto college and was an ATO.
This, of course, is leading tothe tragedy, right?
So walk us through that day.
Brandi Couey (11:10):
Okay.
So, um, he had, he and hisfriend um had came home for the
weekend, um, to go on a dovehunt with my husband and um,
they it was one of those weirdlike January it was January 31st
, but it was one of those weirdweekends where it kind of warmed
up a little bit.
It was kind of humid, yuckyoutside, but they came in, he
(11:30):
went to a basketball game, heand his friends, they went and
visited all their people thatthey wanted to see.
And you know, like it nevercrossed my mind that this would
be the last time that I wouldget to visit.
So I'm like, well, go seeso-and-so and go see you know.
You know I'm sending him out tovisit.
And um, so they had gonehunting the day before and came
(11:54):
home that night and stayed outlate that night and got up the
next morning and they were aboutto head to Georgia Southern.
They were literally about tohead out the door and, um, I was
like, oh no, literally about tohead out the door and I was
like, oh no, you smell like agoat.
Go get in the shower.
So I sent him back to thatshower and Brad was like what I
said, brad, I don't even knowthat he's bathed all weekend.
(12:16):
They were just busy going, youknow, normal boy stuff.
So anyway, so our day, kind ofyou know.
They sent him back to take ashower.
We packed them up, they were ontheir way, they were riding in
with Jordan Jordan's truck andthey got about right outside.
(12:37):
I think they were about 30minutes away from Southern and a
storm came out of nowhere likea really bad storm, wind blowing
, and that road is awful anyway,leading into Georgia, southern.
It's not safe at all.
There's no lights, there arethe water puddles and, from what
(13:01):
we understand, because a ladydid reach out to us that had
followed behind them literallyfrom downtown Atlanta to the
wreck she was right behind them.
She reached out to us becauseyou know we had so many
questions but according to her,what happened was there was a
transfer truck it was her, themand a transfer truck.
(13:25):
The storm blew up.
They were not speeding,according to her.
I mean, they're all going 65,55 or 75 or whatever, depending
on the traffic, and theyhydroplaned off the road.
It was somewhere between 3.30,4.30, somewhere right there in
the afternoon Hit a tree.
(13:45):
She was the first one to them.
It was a smaller truck and shegot to him she couldn't get to
the driver's side got to hisside and she heard him hear his
last breath.
I mean she was right there withhim.
(14:09):
But the craziest part of thewhole thing is like I'm doing my
normal Sunday chores.
You know, like that's theweirdest part to me.
I had gone to the grocery storeand done all those things and
I'm doing laundry in our bedroom, I'm folding clothes and my
husband's on the back porch likesmoking a cigar or whatever it
(14:30):
is he's doing back there and hetaps on the window and he said
have you checked on Cole in my360?
And I was like I will in aminute.
And I just kind of glanced downand saw they weren't moving
down, and saw they weren'tmoving.
And Brad, literally a couple ofseconds before me, did the same
thing and and their their speed, cause you know how when you
(14:50):
hydroplane your speedaccelerates.
He actually saw theacceleration on my 360 and then
it go back down and so but atthat point I had no idea, like I
just knew I just was, he wasn'tmoving.
And so I thought, well, I'lljust call and check on him.
(15:11):
So I couldn't get him to answer.
I called and called, and called, and called and called.
I called his girlfriend atSouthern and his roommates, two
of his three roommates he grewup with in Rome and we're best
friends with.
So they start and I said maybehe's blown a tire.
I mean, like it wasn't it it?
It concerned me that he didn'tanswer the phone, but not really
(15:35):
Cause, you know, like, maybe itwas out in the rain, maybe it
was, you know, I just didn'tknow.
And so the weather was actuallyso bad that they couldn't get
to him Thank goodness at thistime.
But they couldn't even get fromStatesboro to where he was.
So I have a little funny storyin a minute.
But so I started calling.
(15:58):
Um, I called our 911 and I saidwhat do I do?
My brother's a fireman.
Um, my brother-in-law works forthe sheriff's department.
And I said what do I do?
My brother's a fireman, mybrother-in-law works for the
sheriff's department.
So I was.
They said call them and see ifthey can switch you over.
Give you the number and I couldlook on my 360 map and see
where his last location was.
So I could find, you know, thatcounty's 911.
(16:20):
So I called and I gave adescription, I told them what
happened, and they told me thatit was awful rain, blah, blah,
blah, so that they would getback to me.
So I waited and waited, andwaited, and waited and waited
and never got a call back.
Called them back again and theysaid can you tell me your son's
birthday?
Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah,you know, just, you know,
(16:41):
because 911 dispatchers, I guess, are trained to not be
emotional, right, blah, blah,you know, just, you know,
because 9-1-1 dispatchers, Iguess, are trained to not be
emotional, right.
And so they're like no, wedon't have anybody with that
birthday.
And I was like, okay, well, cometo find out later on.
He they that he had his fake IDin his wallet.
So that's what they had was hisfake, which is why they
couldn't tell why the birthdaywasn't right.
(17:02):
Oh, my gosh.
So you know, even after death,he was playing tricks on us.
Yeah, exactly, it was crazy,because at that point they still
wouldn't tell us anything onthe phone.
So I'm sitting there on thecouch, my husband's sitting on
our love seat, tv's going.
We're still thinking nothing.
(17:23):
That's what I was going to sayAt this point.
You're not worried.
No, I'm still not Like.
I'm like he's broke down theside of the road you know,
something.
So I'm sitting on the couch andI can see out our front window
and you can see the road, and Isaw policemen slowly go by and,
bam, something hit me and I said, brad, that policeman's backing
(17:46):
up.
And so we both get up and werun out there and I just it's,
that's the most, that that isthe most vivid thing that I can
remember from that time Because,as you both know, at some point
you go a little blank.
Yeah, the police car pulls upand he says your son has been in
(18:07):
an accident.
And I said, is he okay?
And he says no, he, I don't.
I don't remember the exactwords, but it starts drizzling
at that point and I don'tremember how I got from there
inside.
I remember him asking me thepoliceman, who do you want me to
call?
And I said Brad's brother andmy brother and um, because I
(18:31):
wanted Brad's sister to be ableto be with his mom, and I don't.
I honestly have no idea how this, all this clarity, was
happening in my brain, but Iremember that Annie was in her
bedroom.
She comes out of her bedroom,um, at this she was in eighth
(18:51):
grade.
Eighth grade, okay, so 13.
Yeah, 13.
She's got one of those weirdbirthdays.
She's the baby in her grade, soI don't even know if she was 13
yet at that point, but she's.
She's young for her grade, butI think she was already 13,.
Maybe fixed her in 14.
I don't know, but anyway, 12 or13.
And she hears us out in the hall.
She comes out in the hall.
(19:11):
I can't stand up.
She comes over to me.
I mean my brother comes in, andthat's where everything starts
getting a little fuzzy for me.
At that point things startsgetting a little fuzzy for me at
that point and I remember tonsof I mean hundreds of people
showing up at our house.
(19:32):
We have a very, very, verytight knit community here, the
model community, and I mean likethe football players came over
and put hay in our yard sopeople wouldn't get stuck in the
yard.
We have a really big three.
We have about three acres inthe front of our yard and people
were getting stuck.
I mean, it was I don't know, Idon't.
Michele Davis (19:53):
at that point, Lips of images right.
Brandi Couey (19:57):
Yes, I remember certain people coming in.
I remember getting real madbecause I wanted everybody out
of his room like immediately,and you know, people don't know
what to do.
But I got, I went to the madphase real quick because I just
wanted control and I wanted to.
(20:17):
I wanted control of something,and so we knew that his
roommates were on their way backin and we wanted everybody to
leave.
When they got there and hisgirlfriend her stepdad's a pilot
, and I think John flew them in.
(20:38):
I'm not sure about thatcompletely, but she got there at
some point and they had beendating.
They had met at Southern rightbefore October, so they had been
dating a couple of months whenthis happened in January.
But it was just the most like.
It was just like a fog that Idon't know like, and I stopped
(21:02):
sleeping completely, like it wasthe strangest thing.
It was like my brain could notcut off.
Um, strangely enough, one of myvery best friends growing up um,
this was the day after one ofmy very best friends growing up,
his sister, was killed in a carwreck either coming home or
(21:25):
going to Athens I don't rememberwhich, but it was when we were
in, we had just graduated fromhigh school.
She was in high school and hismom showed up and she grabbed me
and took me to the back room.
She's actually runs theCompassionate Friends here in
Rome, oh my gosh.
So she took me back there andshe said Brandy, I need you to
(21:47):
listen to me and I said okay.
She said I know how you are.
I've known you since you werefive years old, so you've got to
have something that you cancontrol.
And I said you're absolutelycorrect.
I do, sandra, tell me, tell mewhat I can do.
And she said and she had a listof things.
(22:07):
And this has kind of been my Idon't know if passion's the word
, but thing that I do now if Iknow that someone has lost a
child you know, it was a list umget a locket of his hair, um
get fingerprints, even if youdon't want to do anything with
it, any of this stuff right now.
And she said, most importantly,take your time with his
(22:29):
arrangements.
Do not let anyone rush you.
She said Brandi, I want you tothink about all the things that
you have planned for him overthe years.
Speaker 3 (22:42):
And this is it.
This is the thing.
This is the celebration of Cole.
So I did and I pissed a lot ofpeople off.
Brandi Couey (22:54):
Because I was like I'm not ready, they're like you
need to do.
I don't need to do anything, Ineed you to shut up, let me do
this.
And so I mean that was the bestadvice anyone gave me, like,
and she said if somebody isgetting on your nerves or you
just want everybody to leave,tell them, brandy, tell them.
(23:14):
I said, now, sandra, I'm notgonna have any problem with that
, but the planning part, like Ifeel like everybody just wants
to hurry up and get it done andthen when it's done, you don't
know what just happened.
And I waited and it was themost honoring thing that I could
(23:37):
have ever done for him and Ihad it when I went to the
funeral home.
I guess the day after we had towait, it was the strangest
thing with him.
And I had it when I went to thefuneral home.
I guess the day after it wasthe strangest thing with him.
If I'm getting off, just let meknow.
So you know, they took his bodyand his friend who was also
killed in the wreck to thehospital and it was during COVID
(23:59):
I mean, this is COVID time.
Well, cole had no injuries,except for his neck and his face
.
So it was.
You know, the cause of deathwas blunt trauma.
What is it called?
Blunt trauma to the head or tothe neck or whatever.
So all of his organs could beused Now.
(24:26):
So they call Brad, in the middleof all this going on, the organ
donor people.
And you know cause.
I know they have to make aquick decision, I realize it now
.
But, um, they said, you knowhis heart, his lungs, his liver,
his kidneys, his I meaneverything.
And um, then they called usback and, like you know, the
timeline gets a little shaky andsaid, however, he tested
(24:49):
positive for COVID and at thattime they would not use anything
on him.
They were able to use parts ofhis eyes I don't really know
something to do with the vesselsand the iris and the something,
but because you know, they justdidn't know, then, right, and
(25:11):
that devastated me, because hewas an avid I mean avid organ
donor, you know, like the cardand all yeah and um, and when
they said that I was, you knownow we know that it's fine, you
know now we know Right, but atthat time we didn't.
(25:32):
So that was pretty devastating.
I don't remember where I wasgoing with that, but um, anyway,
that was kind of that timeperiod, but so, anyway, so that
happened and they could use someof the other organs, correct,
they were able to use some ofthe eye parts, um, and we got a
thing from those people tellingus what, um, and if we wanted to
(25:56):
get what exactly in the eyethey could use, but none of the
major organs.
So, but so we, um, we were ableto.
I mean, we have.
I don't.
I don't know how to explain topeople that aren't from a small
town or from a amazing communitywhat happened to this community
(26:19):
.
Like there was not a mailboxwithin, oh my God, 50 miles from
here that didn't have a blueribbon on it.
Like we had a florist here thatevery one of them tied ribbon.
I mean, she tied ribbons fordays and gave them out.
We had people selling t-shirtsbecause we, oh, the other thing
(26:41):
that Sandra had told me was tostart a foundation or to start a
something you know, like ascholarship or something in his
name.
So, immediately, I have anotherfriend that started.
She was on that.
Like that, like the supportsystem that I had, that my
family had, that Cole's friendshad at Georgia Southern.
(27:03):
Like I will forever, foreverlove Georgia Southern.
Like they took care of thosekids.
They loved those boys, theyloved the dorm kids, they loved
Annabelle who was his girlfriend.
They loved all of his friends,emily McHenry, like they all
lived in the same.
I mean, it was justunbelievable the support that I
(27:26):
felt and the love that I feltand the people just holding me
up, and so, oh, I know what Iwas saying.
So we went to the funeral hometo see him.
These are people that we knowthat run these, you know, like
this is a little town, barryHenderson, who owns Henderson,
(27:46):
you know, funeral home, has beenfriends with Brad's family for
a million years.
You know, blah, blah, blah,blah, blah.
So we walk in and I sit downand I don't know what he thought
he was going to get.
But I said I need to see himand he said, brandy, you, you
don't want to right now.
I said I need to see him and hesaid, brandi, you don't want to
right now.
I said I'm seeing him and hetalked me off the ledge a little
(28:07):
bit and he said give me an hour.
And so he got something in theworks.
But I had this mental claritythat I've probably not had since
then, honestly, when I was inthat funeral home that I've
never had before.
Like I went into mama mode,teacher mode, brandy mode, you
(28:35):
know, like I knew exactly how Iwanted everything planned and if
I couldn't have it this way, Iwas going to have it another way
.
If I couldn't have it at modelhigh school gym which I knew
that I probably couldn't,because I mean we were
considered the super spreaderevent Um, so they, we found
another friend who had an evenbetter property, who let us use
(28:56):
it, and it was beautiful and ona lake and, um, like I don't
know how to explain to you myvision and how my friends made
that vision happen.
And the music all of hisfriends from high school and
college got together and made aplaylist together.
I never, I didn't even hear ituntil that day.
(29:17):
I mean we went from Beastie Boysto Morgan Wallen to rap.
I mean, like in the middle ofthis ceremony, you know, and I'm
like, ok, we had kind of openmic, I mean there were thousands
of people at his.
You know like, yeah, I don'tknow, I just wanted something
(29:39):
and when you walked in there wasa picture of him wanted
something, and when you walkedin there was a picture of him.
But I wanted you, as you werestanding in line, to see Cole
from a baby all the way up.
So they kind of walked througha Cole timeline and I know that
sounds insane, that I was ableto even think this up and that
my friends knew exactly what Iwas communicating and not just
(30:01):
pictures but things Like he hasa little stuffed animal.
Oh God, I'm going to crytalking about that.
Speaker 3 (30:11):
His name is Arzo.
Arzo went to college and Arzowas on a table.
Brandi Couey (30:22):
Brad had an uncle named Arzo, so that's a long
story, but it's a little bluebear.
Speaker 3 (30:28):
He was there Still in his bed, but we used to have to
sew his little tail on becauseCole would rub his tail.
Michele Davis (30:37):
Oh my gosh.
Brandi Couey (30:39):
But like his, I don't know all of his things
leading up trophies andlettering jackets and just
things his friends brought, andso many things and so many
people.
And it was like I don't know.
And the slideshow that a friendof mine put together and I
(31:05):
don't, it was amazing,absolutely amazing.
And just the boy, the ATObrothers coming in and I don't
know, it was just, it was.
It was something that if youwere there you'll never forget
it, ever.
And I mean you had his brothersfrom ATO stand up telling
(31:29):
stories about him.
You've got his high schoolbuddies that he was friends with
from pre-K up telling stories.
You know just and then the mostsurreal part for me was my best,
one of my best friends, jason,the one his mom came and talked
to me.
He was the one he got up and hewas my.
(31:49):
he took charge, he um cause he'dbeen there before and he he did
the service and it was just, Idon't know how to explain it.
Service and it was just, Idon't know how to explain it, it
was just.
And I had a friend, I knewexactly what music I needed,
played at different times andthen that night.
(32:11):
So everybody leaves theceremony and we all go in to.
We go in.
Let me back up just one minutebecause I've got to tell this.
So the day that I went into thefuneral home I've taught with
these women that I've been withfor 20 odd years.
(32:33):
You know like I've been withthem a long time, and at that
time I am teaching Annie she'sin my class at this time period
and all of her friends, becausethey're all in eighth grade and
I have them at the high schoolin eighth grade.
And somehow it gets out thatI'm about to go to the funeral
(32:54):
home to see Cole for the firsttime and these kids in this
building are hitting theirfloors, hitting their knees on
the floor, praying for me,openly weeping in this building,
eighth grade teenage boyscrying and praying, and like
(33:17):
this whole building, I mean wehave 900 and something students
and 80 something faculty andthey're all like mourning with
me and these are kids who hadgrown up with Cole.
Speaker 3 (33:34):
And as the big brother, and so anyway, I can
say that because that was how.
Brandi Couey (33:40):
I felt back and I think that's how I got through
with the clarity that I did atthe funeral home Because there
were so many people saying youknow what she can do.
This God, you might need togive her a little help, but you
know like there we go.
(34:00):
It was just.
It was a surreal moment and Ididn't find out those things
till a lot later, when myteacher friends told me you know
, they're all.
You know they've got theirwatches set to go off and
they're all praying and thewhole building's praying for my
family.
So beautiful, and I still feelthat support now, almost four
(34:24):
years later, like it's insane,like I still, you know, people
come and check on me all thetime.
Are you, are you okay, brandy?
Like we had a, a tragic deathof a boy not too long ago, go
here and they were taking on me.
You know, like I know thisbrings back.
You know, know, I mean it's.
I don't know how to explainthis community.
(34:46):
It's an it's You're doing anincredible job.
Michele Davis (34:50):
I can just picture it in each of these
snapshots just show just suchenormous love and to me it just
speaks of this Well undeniablelove for you and for Cole and
Annie and your husband.
But also this like no fearabout this whole grieving
(35:12):
process, Like we're just goingto lean in, just like your son
would have done.
Brandi Couey (35:17):
They became him for you, I agree, and I've
always been a jump in and askquestions later kind of girl.
And so when people you know askme about that grieving process
or how we're dealing with thegrieving process, I don't know
how to do it another way.
(35:37):
Like there's no magic, I never.
Like there's no magic, I never,I never turned inward in my
grieving process.
I definitely became, you know,I started counseling immediately
with another friend that herhusband was one of Cole's
basketball coaches in middleschool and she was she's a
(35:58):
trauma counselor.
And then she found somebody forAnnie that did like outdoor
counseling, cause that was a bigpart of, you know, our kids
growing up.
We're always on the river.
We were fishing, we werehunting, you know we're always
doing, even still doing thosekinds of things.
So Annie was able to connectthat way too.
I just I didn't know, I don'tknow how to do it a different
(36:21):
way.
Michele Davis (36:25):
I didn't know, I don't know how to do it a
different way.
Um well, thank you living.
Yeah, well it's.
I mean, I'm just so thankfulfor that because it's as we all
know, this is just it's notsupposed to happen this way, and
it, the pain is is just, it'spalpable, I mean it's just um,
(36:47):
you know you, just, you justwant to grab a blankie and a
pillow and just cry yourself forthe whole time.
Yeah, absolutely.
Absolutely.
Well, I'm just so sorry, butwhat I am thankful for is those
words that that friend of yourstold you about taking your time.
(37:07):
I mean, my goodness, it soundslike you got to do.
I did Create this incrediblecelebration of Cole.
It's just beautiful.
Brandi Couey (37:18):
And then that's what I was telling Amy about
earlier.
Cole and I are the live outloud in our family, and then my
husband and my daughter are moreprivate.
Now my husband could literallyrun for mayor and get it.
I would not be a first, Iwouldn't be a good first lady,
but he would be perfect.
But so I also, in my mind, hadto figure out a way to address
(37:41):
their grief as well.
So when we did that part youknow the receiving of friends
and all that we had a privategraveside ceremony.
That was very intimate.
It was our family, cole'sroommates, his girlfriend, and
that was it.
Like we had Brad's family, youknow, like it was very very
(38:04):
small, in the nation only.
Yes, I mean it was very, veryintimate and I got kind of a
funny story.
I mean it's so funny to me nowthat I kind of look back on all
the times that Cole showed upduring those times.
So it's this very like reverentmoment, and right where Cole is
(38:24):
buried which that is a wholenother story the grave where his
ashes are was not even there amonth before.
Wow.
There was a ginormous like oaktree that fell right there and
it's right directly in front ofmy husband's father's grave, oh
(38:48):
my gosh.
So that whole area just openedup and so we were able to use
that area.
Well, it's right beside ourcity's rec department where
there's like a playground,there's a pool, you know, it's
like a little play area.
We're out there having ourlittle reverent moment and
there's kids on the playgroundlaughing and shrieking and you
(39:14):
know the preacher's looking atme like I'm like Brad's mama's
done, laughing because she'slike there's Cole right there.
Now, we know, you know, andthat kind of stuff doesn't faze
me anyway, but it was just oneof those like we all had to stop
and giggle for a moment becausewe were all like, oh my god,
you know, like this is so funny.
We're singing, you know,amazing grace, and then there's
(39:35):
these little kids over thererunning around and going crazy,
and it was just one of thosevery surreal moments.
But you know, I just I don'tknow.
You know people ask me aboutthe grieving process all the
time, like how do you do itevery day?
I don't know.
I don't know.
We're all in the same boat.
(39:56):
I do not know.
There's no magic potion.
I have to live intentionallyand I have to figure out how to
get me through, and I will tellyou that one of the things that
helped me the most was when Istarted going to counseling.
And.
I knew this lady.
She and I are friends and shesaid but, brandy, I want you to
(40:18):
think about, I had to figure outwho I was separate from being
Cole's, mama Annie's, mamaBrad's wife to be able to figure
out my grieving process andwhat I did well without them,
and turns out it's teaching.
So I deal with other people'skids well and that's, you know,
(40:39):
that's my thing.
And when you know, I was outfor about two months but I came
back before the end of the yearand I wanted to end the year
with those kids who had hittheir knees and prayed for me to
make it through and I ended myyear with them.
I came back after spring break,like right after April, and
(41:00):
finished to the end of the yearwith them because I knew that
they knew my story and if I satthere and cried for a little bit
, they'd cry with me, right, andI need people to understand
that these are 13 and 14 yearold boys and girls.
You know like yeah.
Did you feel like?
Michele Davis (41:19):
it was a sense of normalcy too.
Brandi Couey (41:21):
Yes, For me to get up and have a purpose.
Yeah, I bet I walked as well.
A million miles, Rain, storm,sleet.
I walked and walked and walkedand walked and walked.
I found my husband would get somad at me because I would like
put those headphones on and I'dgo.
I'd find somewhere we have somegreat trails by the river in
(41:43):
Rome.
And he was like are you scared?
I said you know what, buddy,I'm not scared of anything
anymore.
Like what are you going to?
do to me now.
You know, and I know we allkind of feel that way, Like what
?
I mean I don't care, I mean I'mnot scared of anything now.
But those were the kinds ofthings, the normalcy, like you
said, the going to school,planning a lesson even if it
(42:06):
wasn't great, it was somethingnormal and, um, yeah, that was
that was.
You know, those were the thingsthat kind of got me through.
And then just support from myfriends, um, about the time of
Cole's accident.
Not long after that, one of myvery best friends got diagnosed
with breast cancer.
So honestly, as bad as itsounds and she won't care that
(42:28):
I'm saying this it was kind of adistraction for me because then
I could be there for her.
And you know, people say youget through things by being
there for other people.
So I was able to be there whenshe, you know, got her hair cut
off and I met Pam.
You've met Pam.
Michele Davis (42:43):
She's been with me to meet you.
Yeah, she's your emotionalsupport.
Brandi Couey (42:48):
She's my emotional support animal is what I call
her.
Um, but it was.
We were able to go through thattogether.
Her um daughter and and um Colewere best friends.
So, um, I don't know it, thatwas just.
There were just lots of thingsthat that normalcy, or able to
(43:11):
be there for somebody else or Idon't know, just that kind of
stuff that I'm for sure thehardest thing that was is to
raise another child while you'regrieving one million percent.
We're just gonna ask about yeahum, that's, that's a toughie,
(43:31):
like grieving yourself andknowing that there has to be
that process but then balancingwhat the other two, what my
husband needs from me, becausewe all know those statistics
aren't great either when youhave the death of a child and
then you know like those aren'tgreat statistics.
And then I also have thisdaughter who's in the middle of
(43:54):
crazy adolescence.
You know it's not easy being a13 year old girl and having to
figure out what does she need,separate from grief.
Is this grief, is it not grief?
Is what I'm feeling grief?
You know it's a constantguessing, but once again I have
so many people that would just.
(44:14):
You know, brandy, this isnormal.
My daughter did this too, youknow, and I don't know, and I
just have to kind of let her.
You know.
At first I tried to push thingson her and then I realized she
grieves a lot differently thanme and as long as she does have
some grieving process, that'shealthy.
(44:36):
But it doesn't look like mine,you know, like my husband's
doesn't look like mine either.
So that was a hard step too,isn't it?
That's hard to realize, yes,and I think that's part of where
the marital issues come in,sometimes with people because
they don't think the other onecared enough or is, hey, you
know, or being whatever, butit's just, I don't know.
(44:57):
my husband's my best friend, I'mnot afraid to say that, and
we're that way before, we're amarried couple and we dated
forever before we got marriedand I don't know, I don't.
There's no way I could havegotten through any of this.
You know like yeah.
And I don't know like we.
I feel like we came out on theother side, not stronger, but
(45:19):
with a different kind ofstrength.
Other side, not stronger, butwith a different kind of
strength.
Michele Davis (45:26):
Yeah, I don't know how to explain that, but um
, well, because there's this newdepth that you've just had to
walk through, you know and climbout and still carry all of the
things that you found in thedepth you know with you
absolutely and just you know,trying to figure out, just
navigating Annie's needs and andwhat?
Brandi Couey (45:45):
am I being too much?
Am I being too little?
Am I being this?
You know, you just don't know.
And I feel like I knowadolescents pretty well, but
when it's your own kid and theseare uncharted territories and I
don't know, it's still, I think, on a good day without all this
other hard stuff.
You know, raising teenage girlsis kind of and she's a good
(46:09):
girl, she's a sweet girl, asmart girl, you know athletic
and you know kind and all thosethings.
But, like you know, you know itis.
And and also I have to keep inmind that and I don't know how
to say this without being likenow her brother is forever,
(46:30):
immortalized, forever as thisperfect person.
Was he a perfect person?
Absolutely not.
He got spankings, just like therest of them.
He begged to get spanked.
He begged it.
You know, like but like.
How do you live up to that?
How do you drive into ModelHigh School parking lot with his
(46:53):
face on a fence, with a hugetree in our back area that has a
big plaque, you know, with hisname?
On it.
And everywhere you turn in thisbuilding, people are wearing
Cooey t-shirts with 10 on theback because that was the big
fundraiser.
I mean, we sold thousands ofthem and like I have to navigate
(47:16):
that for her as well, becauseshe is just as precious, you
know, like she has her ownthings that are amazing.
Like I 'd never have toscreenshot power school and say,
hey, why did you, why did youturn in this assignment, where
that was a daily occurrence withCole, and she's very driven and
(47:36):
she is a.
I mean.
One thing they do share is theyare very, very loyal to their
friends and to their people andthey love hard.
Both of them are they love hard, but in different ways, and I
want for her to recognize thatshe has just as much to offer.
But that is so hard.
(47:58):
That's the hardest thing to me.
Michele Davis (48:02):
It is because it's you know you're, yeah,
you're carrying your own painand trying to, you know, like
step kind of aside from thatgrief to parent without putting
your grief onto them.
It's so, so challenging, forsure.
Well, and you said somethingtoo like he's immortalized, like
(48:23):
we do, we typically we tend toput these, our kids that have
gone up here, you know, and Alecwas a hellion, I mean, he was,
he was not, you know this great.
He was a great kid.
He was great.
He was great in his own way.
Brandi Couey (48:40):
but he was trouble , right, but they weren't angels
by any means.
Michele Davis (48:46):
No, but sometimes I do I forget to talk
about that because we didn'twant to this.
Yeah, you know, we want toremember the good.
Brandi Couey (48:56):
yeah, I got kind of cracked up when at the
service the very first boy thatgets up was one of cole's ato
brothers and he was the one thatkind of drug cole in and he
started out the memorial serviceby talking about cole's
favorite um alcoholic beverage.
No, my, you know um, almost 19year old, who wasn't even 19,
and I was a bit, you know,almost 19 year old who wasn't
(49:17):
even 19 yet.
But you know like, but it's sohard for me to I try.
You know we want people to talkabout them, we don't.
But I don't want that to be theonly part of the conversation.
You know, I don't want that tobe the only thing and I want
things to be as spectacular forher as they were for him and I
(49:41):
have talked to several peopleabout this like this next step
for her going off for collegenext year she'll get to be Annie
, she won't have to be Cole'ssister or someone that's she
doesn't have to tell that story.
If she doesn't want to, yeah,but she can choose to.
You know, it's on her terms.
(50:03):
So like I'm kind of excited forthat next step of her journey,
to be able to be that person,separate from him, um, but also
enjoying life like he did too.
So I don't know, that's kind oftricky.
Michele Davis (50:22):
It is tricky for sure.
Well, I mean everything you'vetold us.
You talk your way.
You know like relationships are, so you can just see it and
feel it so big and you're goingto talk your way through it with
, with her, and lucky to haveyou for sure.
What, um, one of the thingsthat I know moms often talk
(50:46):
about is those first couple ofyears.
You know, even if you're likeintentional about your grief,
there's still just things thatwe just can't do.
Like I could.
For some reason I couldn't.
I mean here I'm an Englishteacher like you and I couldn't
read a book that was soemotional to me.
I mean school books, fine, butlike something for you know, or
(51:07):
go get my haircut, or whatever.
Brandi Couey (51:09):
Were there things where it was like, oh my gosh,
um, strangely, enough, cause Ihate to cook, like I hate to
cook, um, but I struggled withgoing to the grocery store
because all I could do is I waslike why are these people here?
You know, like you're, y'allare normal.
(51:31):
You're getting to walk down theaisles and hum to the fun songs
at Kroger.
And here I am.
You know, like I can't even do.
You know, I was terrified,mortified if I ran into somebody
, because I would immediatelyjust start crying and um, and I
and people didn't expect me todo anything else, but I think I
(51:53):
expected myself to do somethingelse.
I don't know.
That was really really toughfor me Was going to the grocery
store, and I'll tell you whatyou're talking about getting
your hair cut.
If y'all see my new hairdo,thank you.
(52:13):
I had not gotten my hair cutsince Cole's accident until this
summer.
I didn't really connect the twountil it happened.
And then I was like you know,like I've let go of something
and it was all.
It's always something.
I don't want to touch things.
Oh, I know a big one.
(52:34):
I just remembered this one.
So I had back surgery.
I had a cyst on my spine Longstory, but that happened last
August.
I would not touch.
You know, we have all thosesocks with no matches at the
bottom of our laundry basket, Iwould not touch those socks.
I think I said something aboutthat in our Warrior Moms
(52:55):
Facebook group.
I mean, it got to where it wasat the top, but I knew what was
at the bottom.
I knew that once I start doingit that it would just be so.
I had a friend when I had backsurgery.
She spent all day long matchingsocks for me.
Oh my God she literally took itand I told her.
(53:17):
I said, amy, I can't do this, Ican't.
And she literally sat away fromme Like I was in the bedroom
laying down doing whatever,cause I just had surgery.
She took it away from me andmatched every single sock for me
in that basket.
And when I say there werehundreds of pairs of socks,
(53:38):
because I could not make myselfdo that, because that was
something that was there when hewas there.
I mean that kind of stuff like,and some things.
I think I'm losing it, like Istill can't.
You know, it's just that andit's nothing ever big.
(54:03):
Like I can go in his room, Ican touch his things.
I can't get rid of him yet.
But like it's those kinds ofsmall little triggers.
Like my husband just surprisedme and got me a Jeep.
I wanted a Jeep like foreverand ever and always.
So he just got me a Jeep whileI'm getting rid of my Yukon.
Well, I had the Yukon with him,yeah, and and I'm like this is
(54:29):
ridiculous, let go of thevehicle.
But he didn't even.
You know, like it's just andI'll find things sometimes.
You know just little thingshere and there and I'm like
where did that come from.
Oh, that was something Cole gotin a Happy Meal toy you know,
and I'm like why am I holding onto these ridiculous things?
Michele Davis (54:50):
I know it's that you know tracing kind of like
little connections back to them.
Brandi Couey (54:59):
Absolutely.
Michele Davis (55:00):
And I have a Happy Meal toy right.
Brandi Couey (55:03):
Yeah, I can get rid of it, and it's almost like
I take a baby step and then ababy step.
We have not put up Christmas.
I call this the gauntletStarting at about Halloween all
the way through April, becauseyou have Halloween, which we
(55:25):
made a big deal at our house,you know, like all the kids
would do hayrides through theneighborhood, you know.
And then you have Thanksgiving,Then you have Christmas, which
was Cole's favorite hands down.
Then you hit January and you'vegot the accident.
Well, about the time I'mgetting over that, his birthday
hits in April.
Then you have Mother's Day andI'm like what in the world is
(55:48):
happening?
So I get a little break,usually right between April,
between the end of May andOctober.
But this year my biggest triggerwas starting back to school and
a lot of his friends aregetting married and having
babies and graduating fromcollege and that's all.
(56:10):
That's been a new emotion thatI haven't had yet.
You know, like those things andI'm excited for them, but I'm
also like you know, like I havethat just oh, and I don't want,
and they all invite me to all oftheir things and I want to go,
I want to be there, but I don'twant it to be about me While I'm
(56:33):
there.
Does that make sense?
Michele Davis (56:35):
It does while I'm there.
Does that make sense?
It does.
One of the things that Irealized it was interesting is I
didn't go to one of Carter'sfriends' weddings and I just was
sick about it.
And then I was recently atanother wedding and I ran into
that boy that had just gottenmarried a year prior and I said
I'm just so sad and sorry and Isaid what you said.
(56:59):
I just didn't want to be theone crying and have attention.
He was like Michelle, we would,we would have loved to you know
like it didn't matter, and I, Imean, that was such an awakening
, like they just want you there.
It's one of coal, that's there,and then they, they don't care
if you cry, they're just, it'sjust so but it is.
Brandi Couey (57:24):
And um, we have a.
We have a wedding coming up atthe end of October.
This one of Cole's super closefriends and he's already.
He's going to do a memorialtable and I wouldn't miss his
wedding for the world and um,and one of his other best
friends that did a little tablefor him.
It just and I hate that Imissed it, but it was the same,
(57:44):
it was prom day and I wasn'tgoing to miss anything for
somebody else's thing.
So I didn't get to go to that.
But you know, I told Brad, Isaid this is going to be rough,
but we've got to do it, we'vegot to be actively involved in
these kids' lives, becausethat's what we would have done
anyway.
You know we would be there,cole would be there, you know
like, but that's that's atoughie is those things like
(58:08):
that and those days where you're, I don't know, this beginning
of this season, I don't know.
I felt like my brain was doingthat racing thing again, where,
you know, one thought wouldconnect to another thought and I
couldn't cut it off.
Michele Davis (58:24):
In those moments , what do you do?
How do you push yourself?
Brandi Couey (58:28):
I read, I read.
I'm an avid reader and I readsmut.
The trashier the better,absolute trash, like it just
takes me to a whole nother realm.
I've always read.
I'm a reader.
I have to shut social media off.
That's a big like.
(58:49):
I don't know something aboutthat in my brain.
I love sharing pictures of coal, I love doing all that, but
social media can be a littleoverwhelming for me sometimes.
But I have to just shut thatoff.
I have to go by myself.
I have to reconnect to orconnect to whatever book I'm
reading and that's a bit that'shelps me almost every time and
it resets.
(59:12):
Um, I read everything.
I.
Just I I'm kidding about whythey read some, but that's not
the only thing I read.
But, like you know, it's just away to kind of disconnect for a
little bit from the reality ofmy life, which sounds super
unhealthy.
But like, then I can come back,then I can, I can hit it again.
(59:34):
You know I can do this again.
And I have to keep.
And I'm not a little girl, I'mnot a teeny, tiny human, but I
have to exercise, I have to likeI my body.
I mean now I can eat some food,but I also do love exercising
and that is huge with me, and Itell people all the time I've
(59:58):
just got to be moving.
I'm a, I'm not a sit stiller,um, I'm a mover, so um, and I
think that's why the readinghelps me reconnect, cause it
makes me be still yeah thatmakes sense, like it's something
that's really the opposite ofmy personality.
(01:00:19):
When I tell people I'm a reader,they're like what, you have to
sit down to do that?
And I'm like, yeah, I know.
Michele Davis (01:00:24):
Just like what Amy was like, you know well, it
centers you, you know.
Brandi Couey (01:00:29):
Absolutely, and I know some people do gardening
and some people do, you know,those kinds of calming things.
It doesn't require me to thinka whole lot either.
Yeah.
So that's, that's you knowcause my job is.
I mean, being a teacher.
You're constantly needed forsomething, and so I go home and
then I'm constantly needed.
(01:00:49):
So that's just a time where Ican just shut my brain off and
nobody needs me.
Michele Davis (01:00:54):
Yeah, and it's just for you you alone.
Absolutely.
Well, before we um, you knowsay goodbye, what's, um, when
you think about, you know, theessence of Cole and all of that,
what?
What's something that you, youknow, you loved about him that
maybe you see yourself trying topush forward out in the world.
Brandi Couey (01:01:16):
I just think to be , um.
I grew up a little bitdifferently, um, than Cole.
I had a divorced family.
You know, like my mom hadAlzheimer's.
I had to go through that withher, so I felt like it got me a
little.
I was a little angry sometimesand, um, I love that.
(01:01:37):
I can think sometimes I know,though, what would Jesus do.
I'm like what would Cole do?
Like he was so forgiving and socompassionate and I have the
passion part.
But sometimes the compassion istough for me because I am about
(01:01:57):
I've really had to sometimessit back and think like I need
this joy to shine through methat he had.
Now it's going to come out in adifferent way.
I understand that, but likebeing patient, sometimes where I
want to snap or I have a reallyhot, quick temper, but then I
(01:02:21):
get over it really quickly and Isometimes I'm making myself OK,
like is this kind?
Is it helpful?
Like, what are these Is?
Should it come out of my mouthand that's the essence of who
Cole was was the goodness.
Brad and I would always laughand say he was the best parts of
(01:02:44):
both of us put together thecalmness that Brad has with the
outgoingness and bubbly andenergy that I have was kind of
put together and I don't knowlike that's kind of in just the
(01:03:05):
word joy.
I don't know how else toexplain him other than to say he
was a joyous person in alloccasions.
You know, like, like there weretimes I'd be like you know,
like come on, now let's get mad,let's be angry about this Cole,
and he'd be like does it reallymatter, you know, and I'm like
(01:03:28):
I guess not.
Michele Davis (01:03:29):
Oh my gosh, Well , we've come completely full
circle.
When you were started, that wasthe word you used to describe
Cole joy, and I know, um, thisis, I mean just.
I feel like I know your son somuch better.
You just you told in all thesebeautiful images and just
(01:03:51):
everything from you knowsweetness to hilarity, to just
you know craziness and um.
Thank you so much.
And I know it's painful to walkback down these roads, but of
course we're living it everymoment.
And so thank you for sharing,and you shared so many
strategies, don't you think, amy?
Oh gosh, yes, yes.
(01:04:13):
And you said the grocery store.
I couldn't go to the grocerystore either.
Brandi Couey (01:04:16):
I don't know what it is.
Is it just because it's anormal?
Michele Davis (01:04:20):
activity.
Yeah, I don't know, but yes, somany strategies and things that
you know that you don't thinkare normal, but they are
completely normal.
Brandi Couey (01:04:30):
Right, it's just whew.
Michele Davis (01:04:32):
It's navigating something different every day,
every day, yes, and I'm so gladwe got to talk to you, brandy
yeah, me too with intention inthe middle of all this, and so
thank you so much um welcomethank you all for joining in and
until next time.
Until next time, bye.
Well, hello and welcome back to Warrior Moms.
It's been a minute, Amy, I know.
I know we said that once schoolgot back in we would be more on
a routine, but I don't think so.
No, well, I'm just.
I'm glad to see your face.
I know you've had a few thingson your plate recently, so I'm
glad you're back and feelingback.
(00:22):
I know.
I'm excited to see everybody andI'm really excited to see our
friend today.
Miss Brandy, you are on thescene, hello, welcome.
Of course we don't want you tobe here, but we're so glad that
you are and that we've met youand gosh, just from the second I
met well, actually, even beforeI met you people said oh my
(00:45):
gosh, you've got to meet Brandy.
She is just with just your joyand, I don't know, just your
love for, of course, your kids,and so that's what we're-.
And life.
You seem to enjoy life.
You radiate?
Brandi Couey (01:02):
happiness, so I try my best.
Michele Davis (01:08):
Well, let's, let's start out with just tell
us who Cole is.
Brandi Couey (01:14):
Well, do you want me to start from?
At what point would you likefor me to start?
Michele Davis (01:20):
Yeah, just tell us like start with maybe just
describing adjectives like whatyou would how would you describe
him?
And then maybe, if there's astory that sticks out when you
talk about Cole, that you'relike, ah, this really captures a
good piece of him.
Brandi Couey (01:37):
Right?
Well, let's see.
So from birth, I mean prettymuch, he was always infectious,
like, could walk in andregardless of the people in the
room, he could find something incommon with anybody from, I
mean, from older people toyounger people.
(01:59):
He just enjoyed life.
It was so funny.
You were talking about joy.
Joy is 100% what I would use todescribe him.
And it's so weird when I talkabout it because you know,
people are like, well, you know,there had to have been just
some times where he was Nope,nope, there weren't.
(02:21):
Like I don't know how toexplain it Like he was a great
friend to all.
He was a great kid, a goodstudent.
Teachers loved him.
He was I clearing brawl, bothteams out on the field.
We were just watching it andCole looks over at me, goes God,
(02:57):
mom, I would love to be in abrawl like that.
And my husband starts dyinglaughing.
He said, cole, have you't thinkso?
Like um, just the most kindhearted um, just I don't know
how to explain it Like I don't.
I always said he hatched froman egg, cause I have a pretty
fast, hot temper.
And um, he was just even keel.
(03:20):
Um, you know all about what'sfair and his coaches loved him.
Just a great, just a great kid,a great young man what sports
did he play?
Michele Davis (03:33):
You say, his coaches loved him.
What sports did he play?
Brandi Couey (03:36):
So his dad was a baseball player.
So we started out in thebaseball.
We played every sport, let'sjust say that, but started out
soccer.
Like you know, a lot of littlekids do Get some energy out,
yeah, yes.
Then we went on to t-ball andhe played travel travel baseball
for a while and, like a lot ofkids, he got burnout.
(04:01):
He was just, he didn't havethat kind of personality where
he just had to be, you know.
So he was like yeah, thesepeople take this too seriously.
I'm ready to move on.
So he started they.
He kind of dabbled in football alittle bit when he was little,
but he was always tall but superskinny and so I was afraid
(04:22):
they're going to break him inhalf, but I'll let him do it
anyway.
But he picked it back up ineighth grade and really, really
loved it, ended up being areceiver all the way through
school.
And he played basketball.
Now, basketball wasn't his.
He was great at basketball, butit wasn't.
You know his love.
(04:42):
But he absolutely adored hisbasketball coach.
So I promise you, without adoubt, he stuck it out in
basketball so he could be withhis coach.
Oh, I love that.
Yes, and they had a great bondand he's just and I actually
teach with him and taught bothof his children, oh my gosh, so
(05:03):
just, um, just the.
I mean they had this crazy bondand Jacob, that was his coach.
He said, you know, I could comein all mad at halftime and I
would look over and look at Coleand I couldn't be mad anymore.
I would just start laughing,cause Cole would be like what do
we?
What do we when we go home,coach?
Are we going to stop at Bucky'son the way home?
(05:24):
You know, like whatever.
I think he has told a storyliterally where they went in
like five below on the way froma way to a way away game and
they went in five below andfound these bananas, like
plastic bananas or something Allthe boys did who knows, you
know, they're high school boysand he's sitting over there like
(05:45):
poking people in the back ofthe head while Jacob's like
slinging the you know hisclipboard, like you know coach's
stuff, and Cole's over there,like you know, he's like, oh my
God, he's like, you know, just agood hearted kid.
Yes.
Michele Davis (06:02):
Oh, my gosh, that's.
I think that I mean I have sucha clear picture in my head.
Absolutely, I love it silly,funny, goofy.
Brandi Couey (06:13):
I don't know he would do, and one of the things
he liked to do was get mydaughter's american girl doll
stuff and dress our cat up andmean like as a teenager you know
this wasn't when he was littleand he put like the little
glasses on the cat and he putthe cat in his overalls and
carried around.
I mean like it was alwayssomething.
(06:36):
He was never bored, ever so.
Michele Davis (06:40):
So if Cole wasn't playing sports or being
silly with his sister, what weresome of the things that Cole
loved to do?
Brandi Couey (06:48):
So he and his dad hunted quite a bit duck hunted,
different things like that.
He was very active, which wasvery strange.
He started going to youth groupwith a friend of his when he
was young, at a whole differentchurch than ours, and got really
involved in their youth groupand they may.
(07:13):
He made a connection with some.
He did a thing called Johnnyand Friends and it's a camp for
special needs children but theirwhole family goes and that was
something he was super, superpassionate about.
He did an internship at ourelementary school with the
(07:34):
self-contained special ed kidsand they just thought he was,
you know, the best thing ever.
But he, that camp, I mean hecame home from that.
He, I think he and one of hisfriends, evelyn, went together.
It was in Nauvoo, alabama.
I may be butchering that, butanyway.
But it's a super cool camp.
(07:55):
I mean state-of-the-artfacilities and they would assign
you to a family and sometimesyour job was to watch the other
siblings, sometimes your job wasto be with that special needs
child, sometimes it was just tobe a you know, whatever your job
was.
And he came home from that campand it was just like wow, like
(08:20):
he had kind of found his thingand it was I didn't get to talk
to him.
I had never not communicatedwith him, you know cause.
You know, I mean he'd go off ontrips and stuff, but I would be
able to talk to him at least atnight or whatever, but they had
no cell service.
So, um, I only got to talk tohim every other day.
(08:41):
But I mean it didn't matterbecause he knew exactly.
You know he was so, so exciteddoing that, loved that camp,
went back the next year, um, anddid it again.
Um, did lots of stuff with Dan,spent lots of time with his
friends just doing crazy stuff.
I mean they would who knowswhat they would do, but all
(09:01):
kinds of stuff.
Um, he was very active, youknow, graduated from high school
, went to Georgia Southern, wasan ATO at Southern, so that kept
him busy.
You know he just, I don't know,had a girlfriend occasionally.
You know he was just I don'tknow.
(09:24):
He would just go hang out withhis nanny, you know, like his
grandmother, and just hang outwith his old nanny and she'd
cook him some pancakes and theyjust hang out and talk about the
weather or politics.
He could just as easily hang outwith her as he could his own
(09:45):
friends like I don't.
It's hard to explain becauseit's almost like just an old
soul, you know, um, it lookslike it, yeah, just just that,
just.
But he did not.
It's the funniest story.
Um, he didn't like to be byhimself ever super, super social
, and when he was little littlehe would get in trouble for
(10:06):
something who knows whatprobably being mean to his
sister and I'd say, mama, justspank me.
Mama, just spank me.
And I realized very quickly hedid not want to have to sit by
himself somewhere, and so thatwas definitely an eye-opening
experience for me, because hewanted spankings way more than
(10:27):
he wanted me to isolate him.
So you know, I had to thosedifferent kinds of disciplinary
measures.
I realized real quick to getwhat I wanted out of him I had
to separate him from everybodyelse.
He needed that.
So so much, it's precious.
Michele Davis (10:45):
He'll stink up on top of it, right?
Yes, so we'll switch gears.
Okay, we talked about he wentto college and was an ATO.
This, of course, is leading tothe tragedy, right?
So walk us through that day.
Brandi Couey (11:10):
Okay.
So, um, he had, he and hisfriend um had came home for the
weekend, um, to go on a dovehunt with my husband and um,
they it was one of those weirdlike January it was January 31st
, but it was one of those weirdweekends where it kind of warmed
up a little bit.
It was kind of humid, yuckyoutside, but they came in, he
(11:30):
went to a basketball game, heand his friends, they went and
visited all their people thatthey wanted to see.
And you know, like it nevercrossed my mind that this would
be the last time that I wouldget to visit.
So I'm like, well, go seeso-and-so and go see you know.
You know I'm sending him out tovisit.
And um, so they had gonehunting the day before and came
(11:54):
home that night and stayed outlate that night and got up the
next morning and they were aboutto head to Georgia Southern.
They were literally about tohead out the door and, um, I was
like, oh no, literally about tohead out the door and I was
like, oh no, you smell like agoat.
Go get in the shower.
So I sent him back to thatshower and Brad was like what I
said, brad, I don't even knowthat he's bathed all weekend.
(12:16):
They were just busy going, youknow, normal boy stuff.
So anyway, so our day, kind ofyou know.
They sent him back to take ashower.
We packed them up, they were ontheir way, they were riding in
with Jordan Jordan's truck andthey got about right outside.
(12:37):
I think they were about 30minutes away from Southern and a
storm came out of nowhere likea really bad storm, wind blowing
, and that road is awful anyway,leading into Georgia, southern.
It's not safe at all.
There's no lights, there arethe water puddles and, from what
(13:01):
we understand, because a ladydid reach out to us that had
followed behind them literallyfrom downtown Atlanta to the
wreck she was right behind them.
She reached out to us becauseyou know we had so many
questions but according to her,what happened was there was a
transfer truck it was her, themand a transfer truck.
(13:25):
The storm blew up.
They were not speeding,according to her.
I mean, they're all going 65,55 or 75 or whatever, depending
on the traffic, and theyhydroplaned off the road.
It was somewhere between 3.30,4.30, somewhere right there in
the afternoon Hit a tree.
(13:45):
She was the first one to them.
It was a smaller truck and shegot to him she couldn't get to
the driver's side got to hisside and she heard him hear his
last breath.
I mean she was right there withhim.
(14:09):
But the craziest part of thewhole thing is like I'm doing my
normal Sunday chores.
You know, like that's theweirdest part to me.
I had gone to the grocery storeand done all those things and
I'm doing laundry in our bedroom, I'm folding clothes and my
husband's on the back porch likesmoking a cigar or whatever it
(14:30):
is he's doing back there and hetaps on the window and he said
have you checked on Cole in my360?
And I was like I will in aminute.
And I just kind of glanced downand saw they weren't moving
down, and saw they weren'tmoving.
And Brad, literally a couple ofseconds before me, did the same
thing and and their their speed, cause you know how when you
(14:50):
hydroplane your speedaccelerates.
He actually saw theacceleration on my 360 and then
it go back down and so but atthat point I had no idea, like I
just knew I just was, he wasn'tmoving.
And so I thought, well, I'lljust call and check on him.
(15:11):
So I couldn't get him to answer.
I called and called, and called, and called and called.
I called his girlfriend atSouthern and his roommates, two
of his three roommates he grewup with in Rome and we're best
friends with.
So they start and I said maybehe's blown a tire.
I mean, like it wasn't it it?
It concerned me that he didn'tanswer the phone, but not really
(15:35):
Cause, you know, like, maybe itwas out in the rain, maybe it
was, you know, I just didn'tknow.
And so the weather was actuallyso bad that they couldn't get
to him Thank goodness at thistime.
But they couldn't even get fromStatesboro to where he was.
So I have a little funny storyin a minute.
But so I started calling.
(15:58):
Um, I called our 911 and I saidwhat do I do?
My brother's a fireman.
Um, my brother-in-law works forthe sheriff's department.
And I said what do I do?
My brother's a fireman, mybrother-in-law works for the
sheriff's department.
So I was.
They said call them and see ifthey can switch you over.
Give you the number and I couldlook on my 360 map and see
where his last location was.
So I could find, you know, thatcounty's 911.
(16:20):
So I called and I gave adescription, I told them what
happened, and they told me thatit was awful rain, blah, blah,
blah, so that they would getback to me.
So I waited and waited, andwaited, and waited and waited
and never got a call back.
Called them back again and theysaid can you tell me your son's
birthday?
Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah,you know, just, you know,
(16:41):
because 911 dispatchers, I guess, are trained to not be
emotional, right, blah, blah,you know, just, you know,
because 9-1-1 dispatchers, Iguess, are trained to not be
emotional, right.
And so they're like no, wedon't have anybody with that
birthday.
And I was like, okay, well, cometo find out later on.
He they that he had his fake IDin his wallet.
So that's what they had was hisfake, which is why they
couldn't tell why the birthdaywasn't right.
(17:02):
Oh, my gosh.
So you know, even after death,he was playing tricks on us.
Yeah, exactly, it was crazy,because at that point they still
wouldn't tell us anything onthe phone.
So I'm sitting there on thecouch, my husband's sitting on
our love seat, tv's going.
We're still thinking nothing.
(17:23):
That's what I was going to sayAt this point.
You're not worried.
No, I'm still not Like.
I'm like he's broke down theside of the road you know,
something.
So I'm sitting on the couch andI can see out our front window
and you can see the road, and Isaw policemen slowly go by and,
bam, something hit me and I said, brad, that policeman's backing
(17:46):
up.
And so we both get up and werun out there and I just it's,
that's the most, that that isthe most vivid thing that I can
remember from that time Because,as you both know, at some point
you go a little blank.
Yeah, the police car pulls upand he says your son has been in
(18:07):
an accident.
And I said, is he okay?
And he says no, he, I don't.
I don't remember the exactwords, but it starts drizzling
at that point and I don'tremember how I got from there
inside.
I remember him asking me thepoliceman, who do you want me to
call?
And I said Brad's brother andmy brother and um, because I
(18:31):
wanted Brad's sister to be ableto be with his mom, and I don't.
I honestly have no idea how this, all this clarity, was
happening in my brain, but Iremember that Annie was in her
bedroom.
She comes out of her bedroom,um, at this she was in eighth
(18:51):
grade.
Eighth grade, okay, so 13.
Yeah, 13.
She's got one of those weirdbirthdays.
She's the baby in her grade, soI don't even know if she was 13
yet at that point, but she's.
She's young for her grade, butI think she was already 13,.
Maybe fixed her in 14.
I don't know, but anyway, 12 or13.
And she hears us out in the hall.
She comes out in the hall.
(19:11):
I can't stand up.
She comes over to me.
I mean my brother comes in, andthat's where everything starts
getting a little fuzzy for me.
At that point things startsgetting a little fuzzy for me at
that point and I remember tonsof I mean hundreds of people
showing up at our house.
(19:32):
We have a very, very, verytight knit community here, the
model community, and I mean likethe football players came over
and put hay in our yard sopeople wouldn't get stuck in the
yard.
We have a really big three.
We have about three acres inthe front of our yard and people
were getting stuck.
I mean, it was I don't know, Idon't.
Michele Davis (19:53):
at that point, Lips of images right.
Brandi Couey (19:57):
Yes, I remember certain people coming in.
I remember getting real madbecause I wanted everybody out
of his room like immediately,and you know, people don't know
what to do.
But I got, I went to the madphase real quick because I just
wanted control and I wanted to.
(20:17):
I wanted control of something,and so we knew that his
roommates were on their way backin and we wanted everybody to
leave.
When they got there and hisgirlfriend her stepdad's a pilot
, and I think John flew them in.
(20:38):
I'm not sure about thatcompletely, but she got there at
some point and they had beendating.
They had met at Southern rightbefore October, so they had been
dating a couple of months whenthis happened in January.
But it was just the most like.
It was just like a fog that Idon't know like, and I stopped
(21:02):
sleeping completely, like it wasthe strangest thing.
It was like my brain could notcut off.
Um, strangely enough, one of myvery best friends growing up um,
this was the day after one ofmy very best friends growing up,
his sister, was killed in a carwreck either coming home or
(21:25):
going to Athens I don't rememberwhich, but it was when we were
in, we had just graduated fromhigh school.
She was in high school and hismom showed up and she grabbed me
and took me to the back room.
She's actually runs theCompassionate Friends here in
Rome, oh my gosh.
So she took me back there andshe said Brandy, I need you to
(21:47):
listen to me and I said okay.
She said I know how you are.
I've known you since you werefive years old, so you've got to
have something that you cancontrol.
And I said you're absolutelycorrect.
I do, sandra, tell me, tell mewhat I can do.
And she said and she had a listof things.
(22:07):
And this has kind of been my Idon't know if passion's the word
, but thing that I do now if Iknow that someone has lost a
child you know, it was a list umget a locket of his hair, um
get fingerprints, even if youdon't want to do anything with
it, any of this stuff right now.
And she said, most importantly,take your time with his
(22:29):
arrangements.
Do not let anyone rush you.
She said Brandi, I want you tothink about all the things that
you have planned for him overthe years.
Speaker 3 (22:42):
And this is it.
This is the thing.
This is the celebration of Cole.
So I did and I pissed a lot ofpeople off.
Brandi Couey (22:54):
Because I was like I'm not ready, they're like you
need to do.
I don't need to do anything, Ineed you to shut up, let me do
this.
And so I mean that was the bestadvice anyone gave me, like,
and she said if somebody isgetting on your nerves or you
just want everybody to leave,tell them, brandy, tell them.
(23:14):
I said, now, sandra, I'm notgonna have any problem with that
, but the planning part, like Ifeel like everybody just wants
to hurry up and get it done andthen when it's done, you don't
know what just happened.
And I waited and it was themost honoring thing that I could
(23:37):
have ever done for him and Ihad it when I went to the
funeral home.
I guess the day after we had towait, it was the strangest
thing with him.
And I had it when I went to thefuneral home.
I guess the day after it wasthe strangest thing with him.
If I'm getting off, just let meknow.
So you know, they took his bodyand his friend who was also
killed in the wreck to thehospital and it was during COVID
(23:59):
I mean, this is COVID time.
Well, cole had no injuries,except for his neck and his face
.
So it was.
You know, the cause of deathwas blunt trauma.
What is it called?
Blunt trauma to the head or tothe neck or whatever.
So all of his organs could beused Now.
(24:26):
So they call Brad, in the middleof all this going on, the organ
donor people.
And you know cause.
I know they have to make aquick decision, I realize it now
.
But, um, they said, you knowhis heart, his lungs, his liver,
his kidneys, his I meaneverything.
And um, then they called usback and, like you know, the
timeline gets a little shaky andsaid, however, he tested
(24:49):
positive for COVID and at thattime they would not use anything
on him.
They were able to use parts ofhis eyes I don't really know
something to do with the vesselsand the iris and the something,
but because you know, they justdidn't know, then, right, and
(25:11):
that devastated me, because hewas an avid I mean avid organ
donor, you know, like the cardand all yeah and um, and when
they said that I was, you knownow we know that it's fine, you
know now we know Right, but atthat time we didn't.
(25:32):
So that was pretty devastating.
I don't remember where I wasgoing with that, but um, anyway,
that was kind of that timeperiod, but so, anyway, so that
happened and they could use someof the other organs, correct,
they were able to use some ofthe eye parts, um, and we got a
thing from those people tellingus what, um, and if we wanted to
(25:56):
get what exactly in the eyethey could use, but none of the
major organs.
So, but so we, um, we were ableto.
I mean, we have.
I don't.
I don't know how to explain topeople that aren't from a small
town or from a amazing communitywhat happened to this community
(26:19):
.
Like there was not a mailboxwithin, oh my God, 50 miles from
here that didn't have a blueribbon on it.
Like we had a florist here thatevery one of them tied ribbon.
I mean, she tied ribbons fordays and gave them out.
We had people selling t-shirtsbecause we, oh, the other thing
(26:41):
that Sandra had told me was tostart a foundation or to start a
something you know, like ascholarship or something in his
name.
So, immediately, I have anotherfriend that started.
She was on that.
Like that, like the supportsystem that I had, that my
family had, that Cole's friendshad at Georgia Southern.
(27:03):
Like I will forever, foreverlove Georgia Southern.
Like they took care of thosekids.
They loved those boys, theyloved the dorm kids, they loved
Annabelle who was his girlfriend.
They loved all of his friends,emily McHenry, like they all
lived in the same.
I mean, it was justunbelievable the support that I
(27:26):
felt and the love that I feltand the people just holding me
up, and so, oh, I know what Iwas saying.
So we went to the funeral hometo see him.
These are people that we knowthat run these, you know, like
this is a little town, barryHenderson, who owns Henderson,
(27:46):
you know, funeral home, has beenfriends with Brad's family for
a million years.
You know, blah, blah, blah,blah, blah.
So we walk in and I sit downand I don't know what he thought
he was going to get.
But I said I need to see himand he said, brandy, you, you
don't want to right now.
I said I need to see him and hesaid, brandi, you don't want to
right now.
I said I'm seeing him and hetalked me off the ledge a little
(28:07):
bit and he said give me an hour.
And so he got something in theworks.
But I had this mental claritythat I've probably not had since
then, honestly, when I was inthat funeral home that I've
never had before.
Like I went into mama mode,teacher mode, brandy mode, you
(28:35):
know, like I knew exactly how Iwanted everything planned and if
I couldn't have it this way, Iwas going to have it another way
.
If I couldn't have it at modelhigh school gym which I knew
that I probably couldn't,because I mean we were
considered the super spreaderevent Um, so they, we found
another friend who had an evenbetter property, who let us use
(28:56):
it, and it was beautiful and ona lake and, um, like I don't
know how to explain to you myvision and how my friends made
that vision happen.
And the music all of hisfriends from high school and
college got together and made aplaylist together.
I never, I didn't even hear ituntil that day.
(29:17):
I mean we went from Beastie Boysto Morgan Wallen to rap.
I mean, like in the middle ofthis ceremony, you know, and I'm
like, ok, we had kind of openmic, I mean there were thousands
of people at his.
You know like, yeah, I don'tknow, I just wanted something
(29:39):
and when you walked in there wasa picture of him wanted
something, and when you walkedin there was a picture of him.
But I wanted you, as you werestanding in line, to see Cole
from a baby all the way up.
So they kind of walked througha Cole timeline and I know that
sounds insane, that I was ableto even think this up and that
my friends knew exactly what Iwas communicating and not just
(30:01):
pictures but things Like he hasa little stuffed animal.
Oh God, I'm going to crytalking about that.
Speaker 3 (30:11):
His name is Arzo.
Arzo went to college and Arzowas on a table.
Brandi Couey (30:22):
Brad had an uncle named Arzo, so that's a long
story, but it's a little bluebear.
Speaker 3 (30:28):
He was there Still in his bed, but we used to have to
sew his little tail on becauseCole would rub his tail.
Michele Davis (30:37):
Oh my gosh.
Brandi Couey (30:39):
But like his, I don't know all of his things
leading up trophies andlettering jackets and just
things his friends brought, andso many things and so many
people.
And it was like I don't know.
And the slideshow that a friendof mine put together and I
(31:05):
don't, it was amazing,absolutely amazing.
And just the boy, the ATObrothers coming in and I don't
know, it was just, it was.
It was something that if youwere there you'll never forget
it, ever.
And I mean you had his brothersfrom ATO stand up telling
(31:29):
stories about him.
You've got his high schoolbuddies that he was friends with
from pre-K up telling stories.
You know just and then the mostsurreal part for me was my best,
one of my best friends, jason,the one his mom came and talked
to me.
He was the one he got up and hewas my.
(31:49):
he took charge, he um cause he'dbeen there before and he he did
the service and it was just, Idon't know how to explain it.
Service and it was just, Idon't know how to explain it, it
was just.
And I had a friend, I knewexactly what music I needed,
played at different times andthen that night.
(32:11):
So everybody leaves theceremony and we all go in to.
We go in.
Let me back up just one minutebecause I've got to tell this.
So the day that I went into thefuneral home I've taught with
these women that I've been withfor 20 odd years.
(32:33):
You know like I've been withthem a long time, and at that
time I am teaching Annie she'sin my class at this time period
and all of her friends, becausethey're all in eighth grade and
I have them at the high schoolin eighth grade.
And somehow it gets out thatI'm about to go to the funeral
(32:54):
home to see Cole for the firsttime and these kids in this
building are hitting theirfloors, hitting their knees on
the floor, praying for me,openly weeping in this building,
eighth grade teenage boyscrying and praying, and like
(33:17):
this whole building, I mean wehave 900 and something students
and 80 something faculty andthey're all like mourning with
me and these are kids who hadgrown up with Cole.
Speaker 3 (33:34):
And as the big brother, and so anyway, I can
say that because that was how.
Brandi Couey (33:40):
I felt back and I think that's how I got through
with the clarity that I did atthe funeral home Because there
were so many people saying youknow what she can do.
This God, you might need togive her a little help, but you
know like there we go.
(34:00):
It was just.
It was a surreal moment and Ididn't find out those things
till a lot later, when myteacher friends told me you know
, they're all.
You know they've got theirwatches set to go off and
they're all praying and thewhole building's praying for my
family.
So beautiful, and I still feelthat support now, almost four
(34:24):
years later, like it's insane,like I still, you know, people
come and check on me all thetime.
Are you, are you okay, brandy?
Like we had a, a tragic deathof a boy not too long ago, go
here and they were taking on me.
You know, like I know thisbrings back.
You know, know, I mean it's.
I don't know how to explainthis community.
(34:46):
It's an it's You're doing anincredible job.
Michele Davis (34:50):
I can just picture it in each of these
snapshots just show just suchenormous love and to me it just
speaks of this Well undeniablelove for you and for Cole and
Annie and your husband.
But also this like no fearabout this whole grieving
(35:12):
process, Like we're just goingto lean in, just like your son
would have done.
Brandi Couey (35:17):
They became him for you, I agree, and I've
always been a jump in and askquestions later kind of girl.
And so when people you know askme about that grieving process
or how we're dealing with thegrieving process, I don't know
how to do it another way.
(35:37):
Like there's no magic, I never.
Like there's no magic, I never,I never turned inward in my
grieving process.
I definitely became, you know,I started counseling immediately
with another friend that herhusband was one of Cole's
basketball coaches in middleschool and she was she's a
(35:58):
trauma counselor.
And then she found somebody forAnnie that did like outdoor
counseling, cause that was a bigpart of, you know, our kids
growing up.
We're always on the river.
We were fishing, we werehunting, you know we're always
doing, even still doing thosekinds of things.
So Annie was able to connectthat way too.
I just I didn't know, I don'tknow how to do it a different
(36:21):
way.
Michele Davis (36:25):
I didn't know, I don't know how to do it a
different way.
Um well, thank you living.
Yeah, well it's.
I mean, I'm just so thankfulfor that because it's as we all
know, this is just it's notsupposed to happen this way, and
it, the pain is is just, it'spalpable, I mean it's just um,
(36:47):
you know you, just, you justwant to grab a blankie and a
pillow and just cry yourself forthe whole time.
Yeah, absolutely.
Absolutely.
Well, I'm just so sorry, butwhat I am thankful for is those
words that that friend of yourstold you about taking your time.
(37:07):
I mean, my goodness, it soundslike you got to do.
I did Create this incrediblecelebration of Cole.
It's just beautiful.
Brandi Couey (37:18):
And then that's what I was telling Amy about
earlier.
Cole and I are the live outloud in our family, and then my
husband and my daughter are moreprivate.
Now my husband could literallyrun for mayor and get it.
I would not be a first, Iwouldn't be a good first lady,
but he would be perfect.
But so I also, in my mind, hadto figure out a way to address
(37:41):
their grief as well.
So when we did that part youknow the receiving of friends
and all that we had a privategraveside ceremony.
That was very intimate.
It was our family, cole'sroommates, his girlfriend, and
that was it.
Like we had Brad's family, youknow, like it was very very
(38:04):
small, in the nation only.
Yes, I mean it was very, veryintimate and I got kind of a
funny story.
I mean it's so funny to me nowthat I kind of look back on all
the times that Cole showed upduring those times.
So it's this very like reverentmoment, and right where Cole is
(38:24):
buried which that is a wholenother story the grave where his
ashes are was not even there amonth before.
Wow.
There was a ginormous like oaktree that fell right there and
it's right directly in front ofmy husband's father's grave, oh
(38:48):
my gosh.
So that whole area just openedup and so we were able to use
that area.
Well, it's right beside ourcity's rec department where
there's like a playground,there's a pool, you know, it's
like a little play area.
We're out there having ourlittle reverent moment and
there's kids on the playgroundlaughing and shrieking and you
(39:14):
know the preacher's looking atme like I'm like Brad's mama's
done, laughing because she'slike there's Cole right there.
Now, we know, you know, andthat kind of stuff doesn't faze
me anyway, but it was just oneof those like we all had to stop
and giggle for a moment becausewe were all like, oh my god,
you know, like this is so funny.
We're singing, you know,amazing grace, and then there's
(39:35):
these little kids over thererunning around and going crazy,
and it was just one of thosevery surreal moments.
But you know, I just I don'tknow.
You know people ask me aboutthe grieving process all the
time, like how do you do itevery day?
I don't know.
I don't know.
We're all in the same boat.
(39:56):
I do not know.
There's no magic potion.
I have to live intentionallyand I have to figure out how to
get me through, and I will tellyou that one of the things that
helped me the most was when Istarted going to counseling.
And.
I knew this lady.
She and I are friends and shesaid but, brandy, I want you to
(40:18):
think about, I had to figure outwho I was separate from being
Cole's, mama Annie's, mamaBrad's wife to be able to figure
out my grieving process andwhat I did well without them,
and turns out it's teaching.
So I deal with other people'skids well and that's, you know,
(40:39):
that's my thing.
And when you know, I was outfor about two months but I came
back before the end of the yearand I wanted to end the year
with those kids who had hittheir knees and prayed for me to
make it through and I ended myyear with them.
I came back after spring break,like right after April, and
(41:00):
finished to the end of the yearwith them because I knew that
they knew my story and if I satthere and cried for a little bit
, they'd cry with me, right, andI need people to understand
that these are 13 and 14 yearold boys and girls.
You know like yeah.
Did you feel like?
Michele Davis (41:19):
it was a sense of normalcy too.
Brandi Couey (41:21):
Yes, For me to get up and have a purpose.
Yeah, I bet I walked as well.
A million miles, Rain, storm,sleet.
I walked and walked and walkedand walked and walked.
I found my husband would get somad at me because I would like
put those headphones on and I'dgo.
I'd find somewhere we have somegreat trails by the river in
(41:43):
Rome.
And he was like are you scared?
I said you know what, buddy,I'm not scared of anything
anymore.
Like what are you going to?
do to me now.
You know, and I know we allkind of feel that way, Like what
?
I mean I don't care, I mean I'mnot scared of anything now.
But those were the kinds ofthings, the normalcy, like you
said, the going to school,planning a lesson even if it
(42:06):
wasn't great, it was somethingnormal and, um, yeah, that was
that was.
You know, those were the thingsthat kind of got me through.
And then just support from myfriends, um, about the time of
Cole's accident.
Not long after that, one of myvery best friends got diagnosed
with breast cancer.
So honestly, as bad as itsounds and she won't care that
(42:28):
I'm saying this it was kind of adistraction for me because then
I could be there for her.
And you know, people say youget through things by being
there for other people.
So I was able to be there whenshe, you know, got her hair cut
off and I met Pam.
You've met Pam.
Michele Davis (42:43):
She's been with me to meet you.
Yeah, she's your emotionalsupport.
Brandi Couey (42:48):
She's my emotional support animal is what I call
her.
Um, but it was.
We were able to go through thattogether.
Her um daughter and and um Colewere best friends.
So, um, I don't know it, thatwas just.
There were just lots of thingsthat that normalcy, or able to
(43:11):
be there for somebody else or Idon't know, just that kind of
stuff that I'm for sure thehardest thing that was is to
raise another child while you'regrieving one million percent.
We're just gonna ask about yeahum, that's, that's a toughie,
(43:31):
like grieving yourself andknowing that there has to be
that process but then balancingwhat the other two, what my
husband needs from me, becausewe all know those statistics
aren't great either when youhave the death of a child and
then you know like those aren'tgreat statistics.
And then I also have thisdaughter who's in the middle of
(43:54):
crazy adolescence.
You know it's not easy being a13 year old girl and having to
figure out what does she need,separate from grief.
Is this grief, is it not grief?
Is what I'm feeling grief?
You know it's a constantguessing, but once again I have
so many people that would just.
(44:14):
You know, brandy, this isnormal.
My daughter did this too, youknow, and I don't know, and I
just have to kind of let her.
You know.
At first I tried to push thingson her and then I realized she
grieves a lot differently thanme and as long as she does have
some grieving process, that'shealthy.
(44:36):
But it doesn't look like mine,you know, like my husband's
doesn't look like mine either.
So that was a hard step too,isn't it?
That's hard to realize, yes,and I think that's part of where
the marital issues come in,sometimes with people because
they don't think the other onecared enough or is, hey, you
know, or being whatever, butit's just, I don't know.
(44:57):
my husband's my best friend, I'mnot afraid to say that, and
we're that way before, we're amarried couple and we dated
forever before we got marriedand I don't know, I don't.
There's no way I could havegotten through any of this.
You know like yeah.
And I don't know like we.
I feel like we came out on theother side, not stronger, but
(45:19):
with a different kind ofstrength.
Other side, not stronger, butwith a different kind of
strength.
Michele Davis (45:26):
Yeah, I don't know how to explain that, but um
, well, because there's this newdepth that you've just had to
walk through, you know and climbout and still carry all of the
things that you found in thedepth you know with you
absolutely and just you know,trying to figure out, just
navigating Annie's needs and andwhat?
Brandi Couey (45:45):
am I being too much?
Am I being too little?
Am I being this?
You know, you just don't know.
And I feel like I knowadolescents pretty well, but
when it's your own kid and theseare uncharted territories and I
don't know, it's still, I think, on a good day without all this
other hard stuff.
You know, raising teenage girlsis kind of and she's a good
(46:09):
girl, she's a sweet girl, asmart girl, you know athletic
and you know kind and all thosethings.
But, like you know, you know itis.
And and also I have to keep inmind that and I don't know how
to say this without being likenow her brother is forever,
(46:30):
immortalized, forever as thisperfect person.
Was he a perfect person?
Absolutely not.
He got spankings, just like therest of them.
He begged to get spanked.
He begged it.
You know, like but like.
How do you live up to that?
How do you drive into ModelHigh School parking lot with his
(46:53):
face on a fence, with a hugetree in our back area that has a
big plaque, you know, with hisname?
On it.
And everywhere you turn in thisbuilding, people are wearing
Cooey t-shirts with 10 on theback because that was the big
fundraiser.
I mean, we sold thousands ofthem and like I have to navigate
(47:16):
that for her as well, becauseshe is just as precious, you
know, like she has her ownthings that are amazing.
Like I 'd never have toscreenshot power school and say,
hey, why did you, why did youturn in this assignment, where
that was a daily occurrence withCole, and she's very driven and
(47:36):
she is a.
I mean.
One thing they do share is theyare very, very loyal to their
friends and to their people andthey love hard.
Both of them are they love hard, but in different ways, and I
want for her to recognize thatshe has just as much to offer.
But that is so hard.
(47:58):
That's the hardest thing to me.
Michele Davis (48:02):
It is because it's you know you're, yeah,
you're carrying your own painand trying to, you know, like
step kind of aside from thatgrief to parent without putting
your grief onto them.
It's so, so challenging, forsure.
Well, and you said somethingtoo like he's immortalized, like
(48:23):
we do, we typically we tend toput these, our kids that have
gone up here, you know, and Alecwas a hellion, I mean, he was,
he was not, you know this great.
He was a great kid.
He was great.
He was great in his own way.
Brandi Couey (48:40):
but he was trouble , right, but they weren't angels
by any means.
Michele Davis (48:46):
No, but sometimes I do I forget to talk
about that because we didn'twant to this.
Yeah, you know, we want toremember the good.
Brandi Couey (48:56):
yeah, I got kind of cracked up when at the
service the very first boy thatgets up was one of cole's ato
brothers and he was the one thatkind of drug cole in and he
started out the memorial serviceby talking about cole's
favorite um alcoholic beverage.
No, my, you know um, almost 19year old, who wasn't even 19,
and I was a bit, you know,almost 19 year old who wasn't
(49:17):
even 19 yet.
But you know like, but it's sohard for me to I try.
You know we want people to talkabout them, we don't.
But I don't want that to be theonly part of the conversation.
You know, I don't want that tobe the only thing and I want
things to be as spectacular forher as they were for him and I
(49:41):
have talked to several peopleabout this like this next step
for her going off for collegenext year she'll get to be Annie
, she won't have to be Cole'ssister or someone that's she
doesn't have to tell that story.
If she doesn't want to, yeah,but she can choose to.
You know, it's on her terms.
(50:03):
So like I'm kind of excited forthat next step of her journey,
to be able to be that person,separate from him, um, but also
enjoying life like he did too.
So I don't know, that's kind oftricky.
Michele Davis (50:22):
It is tricky for sure.
Well, I mean everything you'vetold us.
You talk your way.
You know like relationships are, so you can just see it and
feel it so big and you're goingto talk your way through it with
, with her, and lucky to haveyou for sure.
What, um, one of the thingsthat I know moms often talk
(50:46):
about is those first couple ofyears.
You know, even if you're likeintentional about your grief,
there's still just things thatwe just can't do.
Like I could.
For some reason I couldn't.
I mean here I'm an Englishteacher like you and I couldn't
read a book that was soemotional to me.
I mean school books, fine, butlike something for you know, or
(51:07):
go get my haircut, or whatever.
Brandi Couey (51:09):
Were there things where it was like, oh my gosh,
um, strangely, enough, cause Ihate to cook, like I hate to
cook, um, but I struggled withgoing to the grocery store
because all I could do is I waslike why are these people here?
You know, like you're, y'allare normal.
(51:31):
You're getting to walk down theaisles and hum to the fun songs
at Kroger.
And here I am.
You know, like I can't even do.
You know, I was terrified,mortified if I ran into somebody
, because I would immediatelyjust start crying and um, and I
and people didn't expect me todo anything else, but I think I
(51:53):
expected myself to do somethingelse.
I don't know.
That was really really toughfor me Was going to the grocery
store, and I'll tell you whatyou're talking about getting
your hair cut.
If y'all see my new hairdo,thank you.
(52:13):
I had not gotten my hair cutsince Cole's accident until this
summer.
I didn't really connect the twountil it happened.
And then I was like you know,like I've let go of something
and it was all.
It's always something.
I don't want to touch things.
Oh, I know a big one.
(52:34):
I just remembered this one.
So I had back surgery.
I had a cyst on my spine Longstory, but that happened last
August.
I would not touch.
You know, we have all thosesocks with no matches at the
bottom of our laundry basket, Iwould not touch those socks.
I think I said something aboutthat in our Warrior Moms
(52:55):
Facebook group.
I mean, it got to where it wasat the top, but I knew what was
at the bottom.
I knew that once I start doingit that it would just be so.
I had a friend when I had backsurgery.
She spent all day long matchingsocks for me.
Oh my God she literally took itand I told her.
(53:17):
I said, amy, I can't do this, Ican't.
And she literally sat away fromme Like I was in the bedroom
laying down doing whatever,cause I just had surgery.
She took it away from me andmatched every single sock for me
in that basket.
And when I say there werehundreds of pairs of socks,
(53:38):
because I could not make myselfdo that, because that was
something that was there when hewas there.
I mean that kind of stuff like,and some things.
I think I'm losing it, like Istill can't.
You know, it's just that andit's nothing ever big.
(54:03):
Like I can go in his room, Ican touch his things.
I can't get rid of him yet.
But like it's those kinds ofsmall little triggers.
Like my husband just surprisedme and got me a Jeep.
I wanted a Jeep like foreverand ever and always.
So he just got me a Jeep whileI'm getting rid of my Yukon.
Well, I had the Yukon with him,yeah, and and I'm like this is
(54:29):
ridiculous, let go of thevehicle.
But he didn't even.
You know, like it's just andI'll find things sometimes.
You know just little thingshere and there and I'm like
where did that come from.
Oh, that was something Cole gotin a Happy Meal toy you know,
and I'm like why am I holding onto these ridiculous things?
Michele Davis (54:50):
I know it's that you know tracing kind of like
little connections back to them.
Brandi Couey (54:59):
Absolutely.
Michele Davis (55:00):
And I have a Happy Meal toy right.
Brandi Couey (55:03):
Yeah, I can get rid of it, and it's almost like
I take a baby step and then ababy step.
We have not put up Christmas.
I call this the gauntletStarting at about Halloween all
the way through April, becauseyou have Halloween, which we
(55:25):
made a big deal at our house,you know, like all the kids
would do hayrides through theneighborhood, you know.
And then you have Thanksgiving,Then you have Christmas, which
was Cole's favorite hands down.
Then you hit January and you'vegot the accident.
Well, about the time I'mgetting over that, his birthday
hits in April.
Then you have Mother's Day andI'm like what in the world is
(55:48):
happening?
So I get a little break,usually right between April,
between the end of May andOctober.
But this year my biggest triggerwas starting back to school and
a lot of his friends aregetting married and having
babies and graduating fromcollege and that's all.
(56:10):
That's been a new emotion thatI haven't had yet.
You know, like those things andI'm excited for them, but I'm
also like you know, like I havethat just oh, and I don't want,
and they all invite me to all oftheir things and I want to go,
I want to be there, but I don'twant it to be about me While I'm
(56:33):
there.
Does that make sense?
Michele Davis (56:35):
It does while I'm there.
Does that make sense?
It does.
One of the things that Irealized it was interesting is I
didn't go to one of Carter'sfriends' weddings and I just was
sick about it.
And then I was recently atanother wedding and I ran into
that boy that had just gottenmarried a year prior and I said
I'm just so sad and sorry and Isaid what you said.
(56:59):
I just didn't want to be theone crying and have attention.
He was like Michelle, we would,we would have loved to you know
like it didn't matter, and I, Imean, that was such an awakening
, like they just want you there.
It's one of coal, that's there,and then they, they don't care
if you cry, they're just, it'sjust so but it is.
Brandi Couey (57:24):
And um, we have a.
We have a wedding coming up atthe end of October.
This one of Cole's super closefriends and he's already.
He's going to do a memorialtable and I wouldn't miss his
wedding for the world and um,and one of his other best
friends that did a little tablefor him.
It just and I hate that Imissed it, but it was the same,
(57:44):
it was prom day and I wasn'tgoing to miss anything for
somebody else's thing.
So I didn't get to go to that.
But you know, I told Brad, Isaid this is going to be rough,
but we've got to do it, we'vegot to be actively involved in
these kids' lives, becausethat's what we would have done
anyway.
You know we would be there,cole would be there, you know
like, but that's that's atoughie is those things like
(58:08):
that and those days where you're, I don't know, this beginning
of this season, I don't know.
I felt like my brain was doingthat racing thing again, where,
you know, one thought wouldconnect to another thought and I
couldn't cut it off.
Michele Davis (58:24):
In those moments , what do you do?
How do you push yourself?
Brandi Couey (58:28):
I read, I read.
I'm an avid reader and I readsmut.
The trashier the better,absolute trash, like it just
takes me to a whole nother realm.
I've always read.
I'm a reader.
I have to shut social media off.
That's a big like.
(58:49):
I don't know something aboutthat in my brain.
I love sharing pictures of coal, I love doing all that, but
social media can be a littleoverwhelming for me sometimes.
But I have to just shut thatoff.
I have to go by myself.
I have to reconnect to orconnect to whatever book I'm
reading and that's a bit that'shelps me almost every time and
it resets.
(59:12):
Um, I read everything.
I.
Just I I'm kidding about whythey read some, but that's not
the only thing I read.
But, like you know, it's just away to kind of disconnect for a
little bit from the reality ofmy life, which sounds super
unhealthy.
But like, then I can come back,then I can, I can hit it again.
(59:34):
You know I can do this again.
And I have to keep.
And I'm not a little girl, I'mnot a teeny, tiny human, but I
have to exercise, I have to likeI my body.
I mean now I can eat some food,but I also do love exercising
and that is huge with me, and Itell people all the time I've
(59:58):
just got to be moving.
I'm a, I'm not a sit stiller,um, I'm a mover, so um, and I
think that's why the readinghelps me reconnect, cause it
makes me be still yeah thatmakes sense, like it's something
that's really the opposite ofmy personality.
(01:00:19):
When I tell people I'm a reader,they're like what, you have to
sit down to do that?
And I'm like, yeah, I know.
Michele Davis (01:00:24):
Just like what Amy was like, you know well, it
centers you, you know.
Brandi Couey (01:00:29):
Absolutely, and I know some people do gardening
and some people do, you know,those kinds of calming things.
It doesn't require me to thinka whole lot either.
Yeah.
So that's, that's you knowcause my job is.
I mean, being a teacher.
You're constantly needed forsomething, and so I go home and
then I'm constantly needed.
(01:00:49):
So that's just a time where Ican just shut my brain off and
nobody needs me.
Michele Davis (01:00:54):
Yeah, and it's just for you you alone.
Absolutely.
Well, before we um, you knowsay goodbye, what's, um, when
you think about, you know, theessence of Cole and all of that,
what?
What's something that you, youknow, you loved about him that
maybe you see yourself trying topush forward out in the world.
Brandi Couey (01:01:16):
I just think to be , um.
I grew up a little bitdifferently, um, than Cole.
I had a divorced family.
You know, like my mom hadAlzheimer's.
I had to go through that withher, so I felt like it got me a
little.
I was a little angry sometimesand, um, I love that.
(01:01:37):
I can think sometimes I know,though, what would Jesus do.
I'm like what would Cole do?
Like he was so forgiving and socompassionate and I have the
passion part.
But sometimes the compassion istough for me because I am about
(01:01:57):
I've really had to sometimessit back and think like I need
this joy to shine through methat he had.
Now it's going to come out in adifferent way.
I understand that, but likebeing patient, sometimes where I
want to snap or I have a reallyhot, quick temper, but then I
(01:02:21):
get over it really quickly and Isometimes I'm making myself OK,
like is this kind?
Is it helpful?
Like, what are these Is?
Should it come out of my mouthand that's the essence of who
Cole was was the goodness.
Brad and I would always laughand say he was the best parts of
(01:02:44):
both of us put together thecalmness that Brad has with the
outgoingness and bubbly andenergy that I have was kind of
put together and I don't knowlike that's kind of in just the
(01:03:05):
word joy.
I don't know how else toexplain him other than to say he
was a joyous person in alloccasions.
You know, like, like there weretimes I'd be like you know,
like come on, now let's get mad,let's be angry about this Cole,
and he'd be like does it reallymatter, you know, and I'm like
(01:03:28):
I guess not.
Michele Davis (01:03:29):
Oh my gosh, Well , we've come completely full
circle.
When you were started, that wasthe word you used to describe
Cole joy, and I know, um, thisis, I mean just.
I feel like I know your son somuch better.
You just you told in all thesebeautiful images and just
(01:03:51):
everything from you knowsweetness to hilarity, to just
you know craziness and um.
Thank you so much.
And I know it's painful to walkback down these roads, but of
course we're living it everymoment.
And so thank you for sharing,and you shared so many
strategies, don't you think, amy?
Oh gosh, yes, yes.
(01:04:13):
And you said the grocery store.
I couldn't go to the grocerystore either.
Brandi Couey (01:04:16):
I don't know what it is.
Is it just because it's anormal?
Michele Davis (01:04:20):
activity.
Yeah, I don't know, but yes, somany strategies and things that
you know that you don't thinkare normal, but they are
completely normal.
Brandi Couey (01:04:30):
Right, it's just whew.
Michele Davis (01:04:32):
It's navigating something different every day,
every day, yes, and I'm so gladwe got to talk to you, brandy
yeah, me too with intention inthe middle of all this, and so
thank you so much um welcomethank you all for joining in and
until next time.
Until next time, bye.
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