November 12, 2024 • 55 mins
Jenny Schick joins us to share the courageous story of her daughter Logan, a young woman whose vibrant spirit was shadowed by struggles with anxiety, ADD, and, ultimately, addiction. Jenny opens up about the early signs of Logan's mental health challenges, like the day-to-day anxiety that spiraled from something as simple as a social interaction in third grade. Through Jenny's heartfelt memories, we gain insight into the profound impact mental health can have on a child's life and how these challenges do not define who they are at their core.
The episode takes a poignant turn as we explore the harrowing path Logan faced with addiction. From the initial use of Xanax to the devastating grip of heroin, Logan's journey unfolds amidst traumatic events and systemic failures in the recovery landscape. We discuss the importance of informed decisions when it comes to treatment options and the relentless cycle of addiction that Logan endured, with it finally ending in fentanyl poisoning. This conversation sheds light on the harsh realities of addiction recovery and the need for better support systems to help those in need.
Grief and healing are intricate parts of this narrative, as Jenny shares the emotional aftermath of losing a child. We touch on the complexities of family dynamics, the balancing act of parenting through crises, and the enduring "what ifs" that linger. Yet, amidst the sorrow, there are glimmers of hope and resilience, like celebrating a family wedding in memory of Logan. Jenny reflects on the healing power of community support, emphasizing the strength foofelping with her daughter Jordan's wedding. This episode offers a heartfelt exploration of loss, love, and the resilience needed to keep moving forward while honoring those we've lost.
"Dream Bird" by Jonny Easton
Thank you for listening to Warrior Moms podcast. It is an honor to share about our beloved children gone too soon, and we hope by telling of our loss, it may help someone in their grief journey. Please note that we are not medical professionals and encourage those listening to seek help from mental health professionals.
We'd love to hear from our followers!
Website: https://www.warriormoms.me/
Facebook: Warrior Moms-The Club No One Wants to Be In
Instagram: WarriorMoms.SurvivingChildLoss
With love,
Warrior Moms Amy & Michele
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Hello and welcome back to Warrior Moms Surviving
Child Loss.
I am Michelle Davis.
Speaker 2 (00:07):
And I am Amy Durham.
It's so good to have y'all hereand we actually have gosh, a
new mom.
I shouldn't call her a new mom,but she is a relatively new mom
to our group and you know Ihate that she's here, but I'm
(00:27):
thankful she's here at the sametime.
But we actually go.
I'm going to say we personallydon't go way back, but we know a
lot of the same people andstuff.
So it was.
I was grateful when she foundour group and started coming so
we could.
Speaker 3 (00:42):
Well, I'm grateful how much you put on the internet
so that I could find your group.
Speaker 2 (00:48):
Yeah, Misery Deeds Company is the joke always right
.
Her name is Jenny Schick andshe lost her daughter Logan two
and a half years ago.
Jenny, am I right?
Two and a half, yep, yep, twoand a half.
So I'm going to introduce JennySchick and I just want you to
tell us a little bit about Loganand who she was.
Speaker 3 (01:11):
Well, she was the first time we heard the song
Wild Child by Kenny Chesney.
We were like, ah, there, we gothere it is Right, the whole
story.
Yes, yep, she had a, a beautifulsoul that um probably one of
the most giving and um, generous, sweet natured spirits in the
(01:37):
world but also, could um,fiercely loyal.
You didn't mess with her family, you didn't mess with her, you
didn't mess with anybody Like.
She just was that ferociouslyoverprotective, you know.
But she just just a reallysweet soul, just a really really
(01:59):
sweet soul.
She was always.
I like to joke and say she wasa perfect baby.
She hardly ever cried and wedid not know how good we had it.
My in-laws kept saying waittill you have your next one.
And then we had Joe and we werelike, ah, okay, I get it.
We like to say she kind of hither terrible twos and never left
(02:23):
them.
She was two the rest of herlife.
Yeah, yes, but she was troubled, but she was sweet.
Most of them are yeah.
Speaker 2 (02:36):
They really are.
Speaker 3 (02:39):
Talk us through the terrible days leading to Logan's
passing so um well, it dependshow far do you want me to go
back, Because it's it's hard togo.
Speaker 2 (02:52):
Yes, you start where you feel you need to start,
because we all have different.
We all have different roads,and some of them you know mine
was a long road.
Speaker 3 (03:03):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (03:04):
And ours was.
Speaker 3 (03:05):
I feel like to not go back to the beginning is to do
a kind of a disjustice really tothe story, because if you jump
in in the middle you don'tunderstand how she got to where
she was.
You know, with people ofaddiction, you need to know how
they got there, it's not justwhere they are.
Speaker 2 (03:26):
And I do want to say this it does not define them
either.
No, no.
Speaker 3 (03:36):
It does not define them, and that's where that
needs to be said right there,exactly.
So she, like I said, she was a,just a, had a really big heart
and also, though, you know, shehad a lot of anxiety that we
didn't really understand,because I feel like this was
back before.
You know, people didn'tunderstand mental health, like,
(03:56):
and you, you really didn't thinkthat a, you know, a third
grader could have mental healthissues.
But they do.
And one story she was in thirdgrade.
This little boy kept asking herto a dance that they were
having and she did not know howto tell him no.
It got to the point she woundup with a stomach ulcer because
(04:20):
it upset her so badly becauseshe didn't want to hurt him, but
she didn't know how to turn himdown without hurting him.
So it just turned into a wholething.
We actually had to go to theprincipal's office and the
parents had to come in and tellhim to stop.
You know, like, leave it anyway.
It was kind of crazy, but evenin that moment I still you just,
(04:43):
I'm just like she's justoverreacting, you know.
Well, she was also diagnosedwith ADD and this was also, you
know, back before we reallyunderstood what ADD medication
does to a tiny brain and youknow all the emotions that she
(05:05):
would be feeling.
You know she's on this greathigh and then she's down here
and you know, as adults, or evenas older teenagers, if you take
something like that, youunderstand why you're here, why
you're here, what you know, howyou go up and down.
You understand that.
But to a third grader, it'swhat's wrong with me.
(05:25):
Why do I want to sit in thecorner by myself and not talk to
anybody?
Yeah, so those were some of theissues that she struggled with
early on, and as she got older,you know, she always felt like
she.
I think she felt like she livedin her little sister's shadow,
(05:45):
because Jordan didn't have thoseissues and didn't struggle with
any anxiety.
She could walk into a room andtalk to everybody, whereas Logan
needed to wait on people totalk to her.
She always kind of struggledwith that too.
She always kind of struggledwith that too, and somewhere I
(06:06):
started noticing like it was it,it.
It was never good for her to bein a group of three girls.
It needed to be four.
You know what I'm saying.
You know having a dog, you know.
You know how it is.
They need to have that If theyfeel they're being ganged up on.
Even if somebody laughs atsomething, you know that's minor
(06:28):
.
She would just be all hurt andso anyway, she.
Speaker 2 (06:35):
As Layla would say.
She says there's always a duoin the trio.
Yes, like there might be a trio.
Yes, there's always a duo inthat trio.
Speaker 3 (06:44):
Yes, like there might be a trio, there's always a duo
in that trio.
Somebody's always battling forthe attention there's going to
be a partner in the school.
Speaker 2 (06:51):
They're going to be partners and you're going to be
left out.
Speaker 3 (06:54):
Yeah, and Logan couldn't.
She couldn't differentiatebetween she took everything
personally, like she tookeverything to.
She took everything to heart100% and couldn't differentiate
between okay, well, this reallyisn't about you, it's about
somebody.
I don't really know if I'mexplaining that right, but she
just felt everything deeply.
(07:17):
So, all of that combined, shejust started struggling when, I
guess, it started getting reallybad.
When she was in eighth grade westarted noticing she was really
kind of taking a turn.
She was struggling more withfriends.
And then she went on to highschool, to ninth grade, and her
(07:44):
friends made cheerleading andshe was still just playing
soccer, but actually she turnedto volleyball and just kind of
felt left out.
And this is no way reflectinglike those girls didn't do
anything wrong.
Speaker 2 (07:58):
She was just trying to still find her place.
Speaker 3 (08:01):
Exactly.
She found not the best peopleto invest her time with.
As time went on, and sheactually she was 15 and stole
our I don't want to say stole.
She snuck out and took ourminivan to a party.
Speaker 2 (08:21):
Nice.
Speaker 3 (08:23):
Yeah, I was like going wow, and I thought I had
when I was young, but she tookthe cake on that, yes, but
anyway.
So we we knew she was goingdown a bad path.
So we decided, okay, we weregoing to try to move, try to
move schools, just try to gether in a better environment.
We chose Lambert High School,which was great for Jordan not
(08:51):
so much for Logan, but of coursewe moved her the start of her
junior year.
So, as you can imagine, thatwas hard, but she wanted to move
, she was ready to get out, butwe just don't know that it was
the best school choice for her.
So, um, she became more andmore introverted, just, uh, you
(09:16):
know, still once again, couldonly have like one friend at a
time.
And, um, her and Jordan becamebest friends for that first year
until Jordan got a boyfriendand they just kind of started.
I don't she just I don't knowany other word except she just
became more and more introverted, Turned into herself.
Speaker 1 (09:41):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (09:41):
Yeah.
So, um, cut to, she graduatesand I knew that something was
bad because she you know Loganhad always I don't want to say
she struggled with her weight,cause she wasn't ever heavy, but
just not petite, for lack of Idon't really know how to to to
(10:04):
describe it, but when shegraduated she was five, seven
and I bet she weighed a hundredpounds, oh goodness.
So you know I'm thinking, okay,is she upping her Vyvanse
without me knowing?
And I and I was keeping it.
You know, I wasn't like I doledit out to her, I didn't just
let her have it.
So I don't know, I guess,hindsight's, 20-20.
(10:28):
You look back and you see allthe signs, but right then it was
hard.
Yeah, I can see it, Because younever think.
You know, I knew she wassmoking weed, but you never
think that they're doing thehard stuff Like you.
Just it never crosses your mind.
Speaker 2 (10:50):
And it's not because you don't think that, oh, she
would never do that.
You're just thinking she's asenior in high school.
Where would she even yeah, whenwould that even come from?
Where would she even know aboutthis?
Speaker 3 (11:03):
I still, I could not imagine.
You just can't imagine thatyour kid is doing that.
Yes, I just call it.
I don't know, I just couldn'tfathom.
But so she graduated in 2015.
And in 2000,.
(11:23):
My dates get so blurry.
Yes, I want to say it was 2000.
Jordan graduated in 17.
I think it was.
2016, was her first time inrehab, was her first time in
(11:53):
rehab and she came home and um,she finally had admitted that
she was doing um, she was doingXanax, so she had not gotten to
the really, really, really hardstuff, but that was hard enough
and, um, she couldn't.
She couldn't come off of it byherself.
So she came home and she washaving withdrawals and, um, I,
(12:13):
you know I'm going crazy, I'mcalling whoever I can so I find
her a place.
Well, before she goes.
Um, her sister came and saw herand, I'm sorry, I said 2016,.
It was 2018.
Um, her sister came and saw herand, I'm sorry, I said 2016,.
It was 2018.
Um, jordan came home and theysat out in the car and talked
(12:33):
and Jordan left and she came inand she said well, mom, she said
um, I promised Jordan that Iwould tell you this before, uh,
before you take me to MountSinai.
You this before, uh, before youtake me to Mount Sinai um come
to find out she had been, uh,she had been raped when she was
15 years old violently raped,not a date rape.
(12:56):
Violently raped twice by um andthe same night and um.
And then when we moved herjunior year, she was date raped.
She passed out and she woke upwith the guy taking advantage of
(13:18):
her.
Oh my.
And so you just take the yearsof the trauma and everything and
now you're adding real traumaand it.
She couldn't, she couldn'thandle it and so she had been
self-medicating all those years.
And you know, the more youself-medicate, the more you
(13:39):
self-medicate, the more and moreyou take.
And um, that was I know thatshe was doing um, xanax was the
drug that she did.
She had not yet stepped intoheroin.
Um, she went to rehab.
(13:59):
She came out and, uh, thispart's foggy I.
I don't know if it was maybetwo months.
I think that she stayed clean,um and we she went into a sober
living, um, which you know again, you learn things.
You know those are just, it'sjust a place for them to.
Speaker 2 (14:26):
Some of them are good and some of them are not.
Some of them are good.
Speaker 3 (14:30):
Yes.
Speaker 2 (14:30):
Yes, for our listeners, sober living is where
, basically, when they come outof a treatment center, it's
supposed to be a safe haven,where they're kind of living
with a group of people with likea house manager that oversees
them.
They go to meetings, they workjobs, they do this type stuff to
be able to get back on theirfeet and transition back into
(14:51):
quote unquote the real world.
And there are some good thatare very manageable and managed
and the people there are allworking towards the same goal,
and then there's others that areintroducing you to new things.
Speaker 3 (15:05):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (15:05):
That you shouldn't be introduced to.
In those cases, yeah.
So, it's when in the recoveryor in the what's this called
Addiction world and thetreatment centers and stuff like
that there are differences, inthat it does matter.
Speaker 3 (15:22):
Yes, and you definitely have to.
You know, I did my research onthe rehabs, not, didn't you know
, ignorance, I just didn't know.
You know, I thought it's hey,it's, it's a sober living, what
could possibly?
You know they, they'remonitored.
Well, you know again, some do,some don't.
Unfortunately, she was in onewhere they didn't.
(15:42):
Unfortunately, she was in onewhere they didngan took heroin.
(16:19):
She did not inject herself, shewas actually, uh, assisted by
someone else.
She was assisted.
She was not coherent enough tosay no, to understand what was
going on, and he injected herand you know from that first hit
it was she was.
Speaker 2 (16:39):
It's highly addictive ?
Speaker 3 (16:41):
Yeah, probably it's probably.
I've always heard it's one ofthe most addictive and it's,
besides alcohol, it's the mostdangerous one to come off of.
Speaker 2 (16:50):
Yeah, you could die coming off of either alcohol or,
yeah, heroin without opioids isyes, yes.
Speaker 3 (16:58):
So, um, we spent the next four and a half years, um,
in and out of rehabs, in and outof sober livings.
Um, she went from Georgia to we, we.
She found a place down inFlorida.
She wanted to go.
(17:19):
We switched insurance, got hermoved down there with her
grandparents and then she founda place further south that she
wanted to go and you know, bythis point she had navigated the
system.
I mean, she could get onlineand find and figure out
insurance, because you knowthey're, they want your money.
So, again, not all are bad,some are good, yeah, so she
(17:46):
found places and she wound updown in Palo Alto, palm Beach.
Yeah, I always get them.
Is it West Palm Beach?
That's in Florida?
I have no idea.
I always forget there's a PalmBeach.
I think Palm Beach isCalifornia.
West Palm Beach is, yeah, westPalm Beach, that's a Palm Beach.
Speaker 1 (18:05):
I think Palm Beach is California, west Palm Beach is.
Yeah, west Palm Beach, that'sright.
Speaker 3 (18:07):
You would think it was backwards.
I know right.
I think that's why it alwaysconfuses me.
Speaker 2 (18:12):
Yes, you would think it was backwards, because that's
the West Coast anyway.
Speaker 3 (18:17):
We wound up down there and you know Logan had she
couldn't be alone.
She's codependent, so alwaysvery codependent, always needed
to have somebody else, a guy,with her, and so she went
through three or four boyfriendsin the four or five years that
(18:38):
she was in and out of rehab.
Of course, all of them she metin rehab or in sober living and
that's okay, because sometimesthat works.
But for somebody like Logan itwas not going to work and bad
choice after bad choice.
Speaker 2 (18:58):
And so it's a vicious cycle.
It's a vicious cycle with theplaces and the decisions and the
people, and they might besomebody different in a
different place, but it's stillthe same cycle.
Speaker 1 (19:09):
Yep.
Speaker 2 (19:10):
And so she cycled what, like you said, four to
five years.
Oh yeah, and she was back home.
Yes, with y'all, yeah.
Speaker 3 (19:18):
She I.
Actually, in February of 2022,sean and I were still living in
Atlanta and we got a phone call,um from some strange man out in
California that said you needto fly out here and get your
daughter.
She is.
Um, she was at his apartment.
(19:40):
She was scared.
Um, she had no place to go.
She was scared, she had noplace to go.
She had lost her luggage.
And come to find out, I think hewas a dealer, not 100%, but it
was just a very long, bad night.
(20:01):
To the point, I booked a flightand in five hours I was on a
plane to California, went andgot her and brought her back and
, um, I met the guy that she wasdating at the time.
He was supposed to be goingback to Minnesota.
Um, he did not.
He came to Georgia.
(20:21):
We did not know that untilsomewhere around May 7th, I
guess.
We caught him in our basement.
She swore that he was going toa rehab.
So you know nothing that we cando.
I'm not kicking her out.
So, anyway, I'm making thisstory choppy, but on May 13th,
(20:49):
we had to fly down to Floridabecause we got a call from
Sean's mom that his dad waspassing away and it was
happening pretty quick.
So we caught a flight the verynext.
Well, we booked it the nextmorning and we were flying out
that afternoon.
Um, and.
Speaker 1 (21:07):
Sean's your husband, right.
Speaker 3 (21:09):
Sean is my husband.
I'm sorry, yes, yeah, um, Ikept.
I was on Logan.
It was taking her forever toget ready and I finally I'm like
what is going like?
What is going on?
And she had been good.
She had been going out with hersister.
They were getting along great.
(21:29):
No signs of anything that Icould see Now.
She drank, but Logan was nevera big drinker.
So if she did drink and I knowfor a lot of people they don't
understand that, but lesser oftwo evils, you know, and I
(21:49):
wanted her at home.
So if she was going to go outand she would have a few drinks,
then so be it.
At least she's here and she'snot.
She's not doing heroin, she'snot doing meth, she's not doing
any of that.
And we have an eye on her.
She was with her sister.
Speaker 2 (22:04):
She was with her sister, who was her protector
and loved her and was not goingto allow that to happen Exactly.
Speaker 3 (22:13):
So, um, I go downstairs and yeah, I came come
to find out.
Uh, the guy, his name, um, hisname doesn't matter, don't say
his name.
Speaker 2 (22:25):
Yeah, I don't know why.
I even sort of said that wedon't give him any air time.
He doesn't get any air time.
Speaker 1 (22:34):
That's right.
Speaker 3 (22:36):
I have a name, but I won't say that on here.
Yeah, I'm sure you do.
Yeah, do yeah.
So, uh, he is downstairs in ourbasement with her and she is
three sheets to the windhammered.
I just thought she was drunk.
She was not.
She was high, she had, um, shehad been doing heroin, um, and
(22:59):
we have to get her on a plane toFlorida.
So we finally do.
We go to Florida.
Sean's dad passes away.
We come back.
On May 21st, sean and I go outto a concert.
We get back from the concertand we go to a place in Roswell
(23:19):
and Sean has an accident thatnight.
He slips on some steps, breakshis ribs, almost dies, spins.
See, that was May 21st.
On May May 29th they decidedthey scheduled a surgery.
(23:43):
They were going to do surgeryon him May 30th to scrape out
his lungs because his lungsfilled with fluid and that it
almost killed him, and so, onthe morning that they're
supposed to do surgery, I get aphone call from my mother-in-law
and she's hysterical.
She's like I was getting ready,she's like I was in your room
and um, two, um, sorry.
Speaker 1 (24:11):
You are fine.
Take a breath, it's hard.
Speaker 3 (24:16):
Two EMTs, um, came around, the came into my bedroom
and they were they.
They were like do you need help?
Do you need medical help?
And she was like, what are youtalking about?
And they were like we got aphone call.
We got a phone call that therewas an unresponsive 25-year-old
in the house.
So my mother-in-law knows.
So she is like, oh my God.
So she takes them back down allthe way to the bottom floor and
(24:39):
, um, they're trying to open thedoor.
It's locked.
And so they burst through thedoor and Logan was laid back on
the bed, um, and the guy wasgoing out the window as the EMTs
were coming in and um, she was.
(25:00):
I think she was gone at thatpoint, but I don't.
I don't know Um, cause you knowthey they didn't, they didn't
pronounce her.
Her time of death was, um,after she was at the hospital.
And I know that that's that'snot.
I don't think that it's correct.
But, um, I got home, I hung upwith her and I jumped in my car
(25:24):
and thankfully we were only.
We were less than 10 minutesfrom the hospital.
So when I got there, um, theywere coming out with her on the
um gurney and they had the, thebig machine, um, the gurney, and
(25:52):
they had the big machine and Iran over and I was screaming is
she alive, is she alive?
And they won't even look at me.
And out of the corner of my eyeI saw him on the ground under
the window and I just ran andleapt on top of him and just
pummeled him to the point that Igot pulled off of him.
(26:14):
I didn't get thrown to theground, they did not throw me to
the ground, but I got put onthe ground and I got handcuffed
where I was when my youngerdaughter showed up.
So I'm on the ground handcuffed.
They are taking her into theambulance and, um, the only good
(26:35):
thing the guy ever did is they.
Um asked him if he wanted topress charges and he said I
don't know what you're talkingabout.
She didn't touch me.
He did do one decent thing, butthey kept me there until they
were making me stay because ofsome protocol I don't even know
(26:57):
what it was and the femaleofficer got a notification and
she said they want me to get youto the hospital now.
So when I got there, I walkedin and Sean had come downstairs
from his hospital room and welocked eyes and he said she's
gone.
Speaker 2 (27:16):
And she was gone.
Speaker 1 (27:20):
Oh my gosh was gone.
Speaker 3 (27:29):
Oh my gosh, you know that whole scene, I know just
probably replaced and replacedand replaced in your head.
You know you have so many um.
It was one of the moms that Italked to her.
Her son just died and you knowshe just what ifs.
Every time I see her she's justlike if I had, if I had, and
I'm like we all would have.
(27:50):
But my what if is?
Um, what if I had to let myanger get me and I hadn't ran
towards him?
If I would have gotten into thehospital, into the ambulance
with her and she heard my voice,you know, was she alive?
Would it have pulled her back?
And that's the thing that I goover and over in my head and I
(28:13):
know that's.
It's such a.
You know, this is the craziestthings that you.
I mean.
There's a thousand things thatI'd go back and think and know
that I could have done different.
But that day, that moment intime, just to hold her hand,
because they wouldn't let ustouch her, they weren't going to
(28:37):
let us go in and see her and wehad to beg to go in and see her
.
Going to, let us go in and seeher, and we had to beg to go in
and see her.
So the medical examiner said Iwill let you go in.
But he said you have to promiseme you will not touch her
because I don't know if she is acrime scene yet.
Speaker 1 (28:56):
Good mistakes.
Oh my gosh, I'm so sorry.
Speaker 3 (29:00):
So that's, uh, that's Logan's story Um well, and you
have you.
Speaker 1 (29:07):
you know, as we all know, we, you carry your grief,
and then you have your daughtersand your husbands, and I mean
it just is, it's so many layersthat are so, so hard.
Speaker 3 (29:18):
And you know the thing with my daughter I, you
know she was always such astrong, confident kid.
I like it, that's.
The other thing that breaks myheart is she fell apart, you
know, and all those years Ithought she was so strong and
she was just.
She was dying inside with meand Sean and I, you know, I was
(29:42):
so hyper focused on Logan andall of her struggles that I'm.
I missed my younger daughter'sstruggles.
So another what if she turnedout great?
Speaker 2 (29:54):
So addiction is a family disease.
Yeah, that is.
You know all of that.
And then you know, and so she'spassed.
Now, how?
Now?
The next question is Michelle,what have you?
I mean, you want to ask it.
You're the good question person.
Speaker 1 (30:12):
Well, I was.
I was going to say you talkedabout your daughter Jordan doing
well, fast forward to just thisfall and you celebrated her
wedding.
I mean that to go from the endof May and that horrific scene
and just desperate sorrow.
(30:35):
I mean we met you, I think.
What was it?
Maybe three weeks after thatthat you came to your mom's no?
Speaker 2 (30:41):
December.
It was December of last year.
Speaker 1 (30:43):
Oh, so six months yeah.
Speaker 3 (30:45):
It was a year, it was .
I think it was a year and ahalf.
Speaker 2 (30:48):
It was a year and a half.
Yeah, Cause I.
Speaker 3 (30:50):
I was.
I was non-functioning, yeah.
Speaker 1 (30:54):
Oh, absolutely.
Speaker 3 (30:57):
So no, it was a year and a.
Speaker 1 (30:58):
It was a year and a half, yeah, and a year and a
half yeah, and um, what were Imean when you say you were
non-functioning?
Speaker 3 (31:32):
like give us a couple pictures of of what that was
like you know I've wondered somany times how people, um, I say
that have real jobs, I have areal job, we have a business.
But you know, I could, like Izoned out on TV for six months
and it was just, it wasbackground noise, it just, and
it was just to shut out.
I'm sorry, I'm going to shutthe bedroom door, it was just to
(31:55):
shut out the noise in my headbecause I couldn't, you know, I
couldn't stand myself, for youknow, you think I, I did, I let
my kid down.
How did I let this happen?
Right?
So I just, you know, I could goout and I could see friends,
but then I would be immobile forjust days, just just not moving
(32:19):
.
Speaker 2 (32:20):
Everything out of you to go out and see plants, yeah
yeah, and act like you're okay,or were you?
Did you act like you were okay,or were you just like?
Speaker 3 (32:30):
no, I mean, I don't think I, I don't think I acted
like I was okay and I'll just bebrutally honest.
Wine got me through a lot, um,cause you didn't feel, I didn't
know and I didn't want to feel,and that numbed it.
That really numbed it.
(32:51):
Um, you know, I, I, I struggledwith a lot, of, a lot of things
.
Um well, I was headed down theself-medicating path.
What?
Speaker 1 (33:01):
was it that got you out of that or that took you to
some healthy strategies instead?
I don't know if I'm there yet.
Yeah Well we all have thesemoments right, I think, jordan
getting engaged.
Speaker 3 (33:17):
I know that that focused my mind so I could think
about that and have that, thatjoy to look forward to.
Um, but you know, sean and Ihave both said since the wedding
we've just plummeted a littlebit because you know you have
(33:40):
that to look forward to, youhave all that and I I knew I had
already prepared myself thatwhen that's over I'm oh dear
sorry.
No, you're good, you can stillhear me.
Yes, yeah, so new to this,you're fine.
Speaker 2 (33:59):
I love it.
It's back, we've, we've worked,we've figured all that out like
a year ago.
Yeah, yeah, we're professionalsat this technology thing, but
we are a little bit better thanwe were at the beginning, right,
michelle?
Speaker 3 (34:15):
yes, for sure but anyway, I am, I focused on that
and God love her.
She, she, she is amazing.
She planned this incredible,incredible wedding and people
you know are like, how did youdo it, how did you?
And I was like, well, um, shejust pointed a finger and said,
(34:37):
mom, do this, do that, do this.
And I did it.
And she knew she knows me well,she knew what I could handle
and what I couldn't handle.
She knew that I wouldprocrastinate.
She knew that, you know, sheknew me, so she never gave me
more than I could handle, justenough that I was part of it and
I could occupy myself, you know, occupy my brain.
(35:01):
Yeah, and the pictures areabsolutely stunning, I know, and
again, she researched, andresearched, and researched, and
she had a very specific you know, and we haven't even that was
just like the preview.
You know, I hadn't even gottenall of them back yet I haven't
even gotten a picture of myselfother than what my friends took,
(35:23):
because they just sent uspictures of the bridal party.
Speaker 1 (35:29):
They did the video too, and they do like kind of a
cinematic video, so I'm superexcited, yes, how did you get
through the day and you knowkind of honor, that grief of you
know missing Logan and knowingshe would be right there with
Jordan, and how did you getthrough that day?
Speaker 3 (35:52):
So she was very generous and she by she, I mean
Jordan was very generous withwhat, letting me have.
You know, I needed to havecertain things to feel like
Logan was there, but I also, youknow, I don't want, I didn't
want to over take the day away.
(36:14):
No, no, but she was verygracious with saying you know,
mom, if you need that, we'll dothat.
So, um, and the day is sofrantic so you almost don't have
time, but we, um, we had a, uh,we had chairs that were draped
and we did it on both sidesbecause, um, her husband had
(36:34):
lost.
It's so weird to say, herhusband, you have a son-in-law?
Speaker 1 (36:38):
Yeah, my son-in-law.
Speaker 2 (36:45):
He had lost you.
Sound old Jenny, uh-oh, I knowGod, it's so weird.
Speaker 3 (36:53):
So weird.
You're like a grown-up orsomething Right, exactly,
exactly.
So we had chairs, two emptychairs on each side with drapes
over them that had the names andJordan's best friend growing up
.
She lived at our house from thetime she was five years old
(37:15):
because they played soccertogether, so she's like my third
daughter, uh-huh.
When she came down the aisleshe had an extra bouquet that
would have been Logan's bouquet.
So when she came down shestopped and put the bouquet in.
Oh, stop it.
And Jordan's maid of honor hadus all, had made us these
(37:43):
beautiful little pins withpictures.
And then I had surprised Jordanand um Sean.
I found these little vials, um,for their ashes, and so I gave
them both on the day of thewedding.
So I told Sean, I said you canstill walk floating down the
aisle.
Oh my, we did that.
(38:04):
And then we had a table at thereception and then we have a
song.
Sweet Caroline is our littlefamily song that I would never
tell you the story to it becauseit's just bad.
Parenting 101.
Speaker 2 (38:24):
We don't want to put that out in the world.
Yeah, that's right.
Speaker 3 (38:28):
But we played that song and had just a big dance
for her and anyway we she wasthere and we made the maid of
honor also decided to do ascrapbook for Jordan, and so
(38:49):
that everybody made a scrapbookpage and so I made two pages.
I made one for me.
Speaker 1 (38:56):
One for Logan that was hard, wasn't it?
Speaker 2 (38:58):
Yeah, it took a while .
Speaker 3 (39:00):
Yeah, it took a while .
Yeah, we kind of have thisthing, that Jordan.
I think it was my firstbirthday after Logan passed.
She gave me a card and she saidin it it said what Logan would
say, and then she had theselittle.
She would tell you to be happy.
(39:22):
She would tell you know I'vekind of kept that on, you know,
when I give stuff to her, youknow what Logan would say.
And then I also had our littleteddy bear.
Logan's ashes are in here.
So I had that with me all day.
Speaker 1 (39:38):
Oh, I love that.
Speaker 3 (39:39):
Oh my gosh.
Speaker 1 (39:41):
Those were just.
Those are beautiful things Ihaven't heard about.
Speaker 3 (39:47):
Well, one thing.
The other thing that we did too.
I got this from a Never Say HerDeal.
Yes, the very first time.
She was at the first meetingthat I went to and, um, she was
talking about her daughter andum they had they did a family
(40:09):
portrait and had a picture ofher son in the portrait, and so
we did that.
So we had a family, our familypictures.
We have a picture of Logan Ialso had the picture in the
chair beside me, but we also didthat so I'm super excited to
see that too.
Speaker 2 (40:25):
I love that.
Speaker 3 (40:26):
I love that.
Speaker 2 (40:27):
Beautiful.
Speaker 1 (40:28):
I love it.
So what are some of the thingsthat you've found that have been
helpful?
So, when we think of listeners,and you're two and a half years
in and, gosh, you've just livedthrough so much trauma and um,
what are some things that youcould say that helped?
Speaker 2 (40:53):
Somewhat.
I think two and a half years isnot.
I know still in it.
It's still in the trenches.
Speaker 3 (41:04):
I know it's still in it, it's still in the trenches,
oh well, yeah, the second yearwas just horrible.
And you know, I think I thinkone thing that I would say is
you know, I appreciate that,like Amy was brutally honest
with me about, you know, thesecond year, the third year, you
know it's not, it doesn't getbetter, it doesn't get or it
doesn't get easier.
That's what I want to say.
(41:25):
It doesn't get easier, it getsbetter, but it doesn't get
easier.
And for me, you know, jordanand Sean both wanted me to talk
to somebody, to to see somebody,a therapist.
And for me, just for mepersonally, just going and
(41:49):
talking to somebody that reallyhas no other than a clinical
idea of what I'm Um, that to me,was not going to help me.
I needed, um, I needed somebodywho had experienced it, who had
(42:11):
, who had.
It didn't have to be my exacttrauma, but it had to be.
They had to have a realunderstanding for me to talk to.
So, going to Warrior Moms myfamily doesn't let me miss.
There's been days I'll come upwith every excuse and they're
like no, you need to go, youneed to go.
Speaker 2 (42:33):
They have it circled on their calendar.
Yes, exactly.
Speaker 3 (42:39):
To the point where it's been like 30 minutes before
and Sean's like go, like youneed to go.
So, um, I think you know, tryto surround yourself with with
Pete, don't don't just talk to,just to a psychiatrist, or talk
to people that have been, likeyou said, in the trenches, that
(43:01):
know and have proven you knowthat have ways that they've
dealt with it, cause I'm stilllearning, like I, I still don't
have, um, it's just day to day.
Oh yeah, it's just I.
Today I was like I don't.
I literally was like I don'tknow if I can do this.
Yeah, I don't know if I can doit, I'm not sure.
Speaker 1 (43:22):
We wondered that.
We said that right before.
Yeah, I was like I am hittingpanic mode.
Speaker 3 (43:29):
Like an hour before, my palms were sweating and I was
like, oh, I'm just gettingready to just lay this whole
thing out there and look at me,I'm getting nervous, yeah.
But, um, and I'll be honest,I've, I have self-medicated,
I've I the the first.
Is it okay if I share this?
(43:51):
Yeah, the first six months, orwell, for six months, the first
six weeks, um, I probably wentthrough a bottle of wine a day
and I thought that that wasnumbing my pain.
It doesn't, it amplifies it.
Speaker 1 (44:13):
Yeah.
So, it just puts it off,doesn't it for?
Speaker 3 (44:17):
another day.
Speaker 2 (44:19):
Exactly, exactly.
And you're not the only onethat has done that.
Oh, I know.
Speaker 1 (44:25):
Well, and we so appreciate your honesty because
it normalizes it and it's notsomething, of course, like you
said, it doesn't make it better,it just prolongs that.
You still have to face it.
Speaker 3 (44:39):
That's the reality of it all, but I love that you're
allowing others to hear you know, and it's and and nobody could
tell me, you know, and nobodycould tell me that it's you're
making it worse, you're justmaking it worse and I'm like,
yep, but right now, at thisparticular moment, I feel better
.
At 4.52 in the afternoon.
(45:04):
Yeah, go buy me another drink,and.
Speaker 2 (45:09):
I don't think that, but you had friends that cared
about you and loved you and havewalked this walk with you for
so long.
Speaker 1 (45:16):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (45:18):
But they don't know.
No, You're grateful for them tostick around and bring you
dinner and you know, come drinka glass of wine, whatever, but
it is hard to talk to thembecause you're sitting there
thinking.
You don't know what I'm feeling.
Speaker 3 (45:38):
No, you can't, and I don't want you to know that, and
I don't want you to.
You don't, but you know, butexactly.
Speaker 2 (45:48):
You're like I'm never going to be normal again
because nobody that I know thatI'm sitting with has been
through this.
They don't know you know and sothat, yeah, and I don't want
you to Right, and so that is thecomforting, and so that, yeah,
and I don't want you to, and sothat is the comforting part.
Speaker 1 (46:05):
How did you move from ?
You know the bottle of wine aday.
Speaker 3 (46:13):
How did you sort of wake up from that?
Well again, I'll be brutallyhonest, I looked in the mirror
one day and realized I had aged10 years, you know, and I know
it wasn't just that.
Um but it, yeah, I knew that Iwas because of what I had.
(46:41):
I think I got scared that Icould be permanently
self-medicating.
Speaker 1 (46:51):
Yeah, that you could follow Logan.
Speaker 3 (46:53):
Exactly, and I will say a lot of it to Jordan.
It wasn't fair to her for me tobe.
She's scared to death.
She's going to lose Sean or I.
Speaker 1 (47:09):
She has a great fear in that and I couldn't do that
to her yeah, if you can controlsomething, that's one thing you
can control, right yeah, yeah,so not that there's not days
that I still don't right, yes,
Speaker 2 (47:27):
you know, it's just day by day and that is I mean we
have a common theme betweenmichelle and I is you have to
make a choice every day yeahit's just like an addict.
You make a choice every day tohave a good day or to be present
.
That day, mine was to get outof bed.
(47:47):
I had to pee sometimes.
Speaker 3 (47:54):
Yeah, there are days where and Sean and I both do it
there are days where we justlook at each other and we're
like we're not doing anythingtoday, Are we?
Speaker 2 (48:04):
Yeah, it's just camp, you know you don't even have to
talk to me.
Speaker 1 (48:11):
Yeah, I mean we're eight years into it and we still
have those days I mean, it'sjust, you're always going to,
the missing is never going to goaway.
Days I mean it's just, you'realways going to, the missing is
never going to go away.
It's just such heartache.
But it does get fewer.
The days get fewer that youneed to sit still or to stay in
(48:32):
bed for sure.
Speaker 2 (48:33):
And they're not as drastic.
I feel too.
Yeah, they used to be drastic,and days on end, and now it's
just one or two days instead offour or five days.
Speaker 3 (48:44):
Exactly, exactly, yes , I think.
To go back to your question, Ithink another thing that we and
we just, you know, we just didit for her two year, but it's
kind of um, you know, I feltlike on her birthday and on her,
um, angel day, angel day thatwe had to, you know, go sit
(49:08):
somewhere and let balloons goand listen to sad music and cry,
and um, because that justseemed like what we should do.
And so, um, this past year, forher um, two year, sean was like
he's like, I don't want to gosit at the lake, listen to music
and cry.
He's like, and I was like, butwell, but I need to feel, I need
(49:29):
to, you know, make sure thatshe knows that I'm down here
feeling sad and he's like why?
what would she really want?
She would want you to celebrate.
He's like let's go to StoneMountain.
And I was like, are you insane,are you serious?
He's like, yes, we're going toStone Mountain.
So I was like he's like don'tyou think Logan would love that?
Didn't she love the laser show?
(49:51):
I was like she did when she waslittle.
So we took our balloons, wetook our little radio and had
just, you know, just had her,our family and her couple of
best friends and watch the lasershow.
We played her song and we letthe balloons go.
And then we decided for herbirthday or for, I think, next
(50:14):
year, we're actually going gokarting.
So for her birthday we still do.
I think we're going to do thesame thing that we've done.
But you know, I think my pointwas is you don't have to just
sit and be sad on that day.
You know, do something thatthat celebrates them, that they
would enjoy and that it was sowonderful this year doing that.
(50:36):
Like it's just not something Iwould have ever thought, but
yeah, I would.
You know, go, go, do somethingthey love.
Speaker 1 (50:43):
I love that advice.
Speaker 2 (50:45):
Yes, and it evolves.
Like you said, it just kind oforganically happened.
Yeah, and now you're like, oh,she would love to roll her.
You know, I know we talkedabout the go-kart and I was like
, oh, there's like professional,like fast ones, yes, I told you
I was like that's what we'regoing to do.
Speaker 3 (51:03):
He's like honey.
He's like I don't think we needto do that in December.
We might want to hold that offto her angel day.
You know what?
That's a good point.
Go-karting in December might bea little cold.
Speaker 2 (51:15):
Oh yes, oh no, thank you.
Speaker 1 (51:17):
For sure.
Oh my gosh.
Well, thank you so much, jenny.
I just you know you were sovulnerable and honest and I know
you missed that sweet andgenerous, sweet girl of yours.
Thank you, and we're so sorryand you know we, like um Amy
(51:39):
said that you're in our group,but we're so glad that you found
that you know we're in thistogether.
Speaker 3 (51:44):
I'm so grateful I you guys have helped me so much and
I I'm just, and you help us, Idon't Well, thank you, I mean
it's, it's.
Speaker 2 (51:56):
We're in this together.
Speaker 3 (51:57):
We say it cliche like , but it's, we're in this
together.
Speaker 2 (51:58):
We say it cliche, but we are in this together.
I mean, we all learn from eachother and we support each other.
And looking back to two and ahalf years ago, or when I was
two and a half years out orsomething like that, I think
back to where I was and where Iam now and I'm like I'm grateful
that I've chosen to continue tomake that decision to honor and
(52:24):
to live.
Speaker 1 (52:25):
Yeah, yeah.
Speaker 2 (52:28):
And you're doing the same thing and it makes me proud
of you and proud of all of usto continue.
Speaker 1 (52:34):
Yes, there's bad days and I remember that one of
those meetings and you weretalking about, you just couldn't
imagine even going to Jordan'swedding and how would you even
possibly make it through yourday?
And I look at those picturesand it's just I mean, I know you
had such sad moments but thereis so much joy on all of your
(52:56):
faces and I'm just so happy itwas.
Speaker 3 (52:59):
And I'm going to tell one last, really fast story
because I hope that she listensto it.
My best friend and it would beJordan's friend, bailey, it's
her mom, her son got married afew years ago and when she was
coming down the aisle we jokeand we say it was really funny
because all of a sudden she'sdoing the ugly cry.
Speaker 2 (53:21):
Y'all know what the ugly cry is.
Speaker 3 (53:23):
It's like she just happened to call her son and I
was like God, no matter what,please do not let me do the ugly
cry.
Speaker 2 (53:33):
That's all I need.
The day will be successful.
The day will be successful.
Speaker 3 (53:39):
We're getting ready to walk and Sean's brother
walked me down the aisle and wekind of came around the corner
and two of my friends weresitting in the back.
And Jordan, it was a phone-freewedding supposed to be.
You were not supposed to haveyour phone out.
Yeah, and lo and behold, ofcourse two of my closest friends
(53:59):
are back there in the back withthe cameras held high recording
and I was so grateful because Ididn't do the ugly cry, because
it just cracked me up.
Yeah, breaking the rules rightthere.
So I didn't do the ugly cry, butI did do the ugly cry when
Bailey came down the aisle.
But you know you, I didn't knowhow I would get through it.
(54:21):
But you know, when you lose oneand you get to see the other
one, filled with joy andmarrying the love of her life
and marrying quite possibly,I'll say, the second sweetest
man on earth, then if you find away to get through it, yes,
Well, I'm just so glad.
Speaker 1 (54:42):
I can't wait to see the rest of the pictures.
Speaker 3 (54:44):
I know me either.
Y'all will see them for sure.
Speaker 1 (54:47):
Yes, well, thank you again for coming on.
Thank you.
Yes, we so appreciate it.
We'll share your soul.
Speaker 3 (54:54):
Thank you.
I appreciate you guys having meand, if it you know, yes, and
we'll see you soon.
Speaker 1 (54:59):
Just a yes Week next week, yes, I will be there Day
after my birthday, so.
Yes, well, happy birthday early, thank you.
Speaker 3 (55:12):
I am.
Speaker 2 (55:13):
How'd you know?
I love it, oh my God.
Speaker 3 (55:18):
Thank you, I know Thank you all.
Bye I love it.
Speaker 2 (55:19):
Oh my god, thank you and thank you all for listening
bye guys yes bye.
Hello and welcome back to Warrior Moms Surviving
Child Loss.
I am Michelle Davis.
Speaker 2 (00:07):
And I am Amy Durham.
It's so good to have y'all hereand we actually have gosh, a
new mom.
I shouldn't call her a new mom,but she is a relatively new mom
to our group and you know Ihate that she's here, but I'm
(00:27):
thankful she's here at the sametime.
But we actually go.
I'm going to say we personallydon't go way back, but we know a
lot of the same people andstuff.
So it was.
I was grateful when she foundour group and started coming so
we could.
Speaker 3 (00:42):
Well, I'm grateful how much you put on the internet
so that I could find your group.
Speaker 2 (00:48):
Yeah, Misery Deeds Company is the joke always right
.
Her name is Jenny Schick andshe lost her daughter Logan two
and a half years ago.
Jenny, am I right?
Two and a half, yep, yep, twoand a half.
So I'm going to introduce JennySchick and I just want you to
tell us a little bit about Loganand who she was.
Speaker 3 (01:11):
Well, she was the first time we heard the song
Wild Child by Kenny Chesney.
We were like, ah, there, we gothere it is Right, the whole
story.
Yes, yep, she had a, a beautifulsoul that um probably one of
the most giving and um, generous, sweet natured spirits in the
(01:37):
world but also, could um,fiercely loyal.
You didn't mess with her family, you didn't mess with her, you
didn't mess with anybody Like.
She just was that ferociouslyoverprotective, you know.
But she just just a reallysweet soul, just a really really
(01:59):
sweet soul.
She was always.
I like to joke and say she wasa perfect baby.
She hardly ever cried and wedid not know how good we had it.
My in-laws kept saying waittill you have your next one.
And then we had Joe and we werelike, ah, okay, I get it.
We like to say she kind of hither terrible twos and never left
(02:23):
them.
She was two the rest of herlife.
Yeah, yes, but she was troubled, but she was sweet.
Most of them are yeah.
Speaker 2 (02:36):
They really are.
Speaker 3 (02:39):
Talk us through the terrible days leading to Logan's
passing so um well, it dependshow far do you want me to go
back, Because it's it's hard togo.
Speaker 2 (02:52):
Yes, you start where you feel you need to start,
because we all have different.
We all have different roads,and some of them you know mine
was a long road.
Speaker 3 (03:03):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (03:04):
And ours was.
Speaker 3 (03:05):
I feel like to not go back to the beginning is to do
a kind of a disjustice really tothe story, because if you jump
in in the middle you don'tunderstand how she got to where
she was.
You know, with people ofaddiction, you need to know how
they got there, it's not justwhere they are.
Speaker 2 (03:26):
And I do want to say this it does not define them
either.
No, no.
Speaker 3 (03:36):
It does not define them, and that's where that
needs to be said right there,exactly.
So she, like I said, she was a,just a, had a really big heart
and also, though, you know, shehad a lot of anxiety that we
didn't really understand,because I feel like this was
back before.
You know, people didn'tunderstand mental health, like,
(03:56):
and you, you really didn't thinkthat a, you know, a third
grader could have mental healthissues.
But they do.
And one story she was in thirdgrade.
This little boy kept asking herto a dance that they were
having and she did not know howto tell him no.
It got to the point she woundup with a stomach ulcer because
(04:20):
it upset her so badly becauseshe didn't want to hurt him, but
she didn't know how to turn himdown without hurting him.
So it just turned into a wholething.
We actually had to go to theprincipal's office and the
parents had to come in and tellhim to stop.
You know, like, leave it anyway.
It was kind of crazy, but evenin that moment I still you just,
(04:43):
I'm just like she's justoverreacting, you know.
Well, she was also diagnosedwith ADD and this was also, you
know, back before we reallyunderstood what ADD medication
does to a tiny brain and youknow all the emotions that she
(05:05):
would be feeling.
You know she's on this greathigh and then she's down here
and you know, as adults, or evenas older teenagers, if you take
something like that, youunderstand why you're here, why
you're here, what you know, howyou go up and down.
You understand that.
But to a third grader, it'swhat's wrong with me.
(05:25):
Why do I want to sit in thecorner by myself and not talk to
anybody?
Yeah, so those were some of theissues that she struggled with
early on, and as she got older,you know, she always felt like
she.
I think she felt like she livedin her little sister's shadow,
(05:45):
because Jordan didn't have thoseissues and didn't struggle with
any anxiety.
She could walk into a room andtalk to everybody, whereas Logan
needed to wait on people totalk to her.
She always kind of struggledwith that too.
She always kind of struggledwith that too, and somewhere I
(06:06):
started noticing like it was it,it.
It was never good for her to bein a group of three girls.
It needed to be four.
You know what I'm saying.
You know having a dog, you know.
You know how it is.
They need to have that If theyfeel they're being ganged up on.
Even if somebody laughs atsomething, you know that's minor
(06:28):
.
She would just be all hurt andso anyway, she.
Speaker 2 (06:35):
As Layla would say.
She says there's always a duoin the trio.
Yes, like there might be a trio.
Yes, there's always a duo inthat trio.
Speaker 3 (06:44):
Yes, like there might be a trio, there's always a duo
in that trio.
Somebody's always battling forthe attention there's going to
be a partner in the school.
Speaker 2 (06:51):
They're going to be partners and you're going to be
left out.
Speaker 3 (06:54):
Yeah, and Logan couldn't.
She couldn't differentiatebetween she took everything
personally, like she tookeverything to.
She took everything to heart100% and couldn't differentiate
between okay, well, this reallyisn't about you, it's about
somebody.
I don't really know if I'mexplaining that right, but she
just felt everything deeply.
(07:17):
So, all of that combined, shejust started struggling when, I
guess, it started getting reallybad.
When she was in eighth grade westarted noticing she was really
kind of taking a turn.
She was struggling more withfriends.
And then she went on to highschool, to ninth grade, and her
(07:44):
friends made cheerleading andshe was still just playing
soccer, but actually she turnedto volleyball and just kind of
felt left out.
And this is no way reflectinglike those girls didn't do
anything wrong.
Speaker 2 (07:58):
She was just trying to still find her place.
Speaker 3 (08:01):
Exactly.
She found not the best peopleto invest her time with.
As time went on, and sheactually she was 15 and stole
our I don't want to say stole.
She snuck out and took ourminivan to a party.
Speaker 2 (08:21):
Nice.
Speaker 3 (08:23):
Yeah, I was like going wow, and I thought I had
when I was young, but she tookthe cake on that, yes, but
anyway.
So we we knew she was goingdown a bad path.
So we decided, okay, we weregoing to try to move, try to
move schools, just try to gether in a better environment.
We chose Lambert High School,which was great for Jordan not
(08:51):
so much for Logan, but of coursewe moved her the start of her
junior year.
So, as you can imagine, thatwas hard, but she wanted to move
, she was ready to get out, butwe just don't know that it was
the best school choice for her.
So, um, she became more andmore introverted, just, uh, you
(09:16):
know, still once again, couldonly have like one friend at a
time.
And, um, her and Jordan becamebest friends for that first year
until Jordan got a boyfriendand they just kind of started.
I don't she just I don't knowany other word except she just
became more and more introverted, Turned into herself.
Speaker 1 (09:41):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (09:41):
Yeah.
So, um, cut to, she graduatesand I knew that something was
bad because she you know Loganhad always I don't want to say
she struggled with her weight,cause she wasn't ever heavy, but
just not petite, for lack of Idon't really know how to to to
(10:04):
describe it, but when shegraduated she was five, seven
and I bet she weighed a hundredpounds, oh goodness.
So you know I'm thinking, okay,is she upping her Vyvanse
without me knowing?
And I and I was keeping it.
You know, I wasn't like I doledit out to her, I didn't just
let her have it.
So I don't know, I guess,hindsight's, 20-20.
(10:28):
You look back and you see allthe signs, but right then it was
hard.
Yeah, I can see it, Because younever think.
You know, I knew she wassmoking weed, but you never
think that they're doing thehard stuff Like you.
Just it never crosses your mind.
Speaker 2 (10:50):
And it's not because you don't think that, oh, she
would never do that.
You're just thinking she's asenior in high school.
Where would she even yeah, whenwould that even come from?
Where would she even know aboutthis?
Speaker 3 (11:03):
I still, I could not imagine.
You just can't imagine thatyour kid is doing that.
Yes, I just call it.
I don't know, I just couldn'tfathom.
But so she graduated in 2015.
And in 2000,.
(11:23):
My dates get so blurry.
Yes, I want to say it was 2000.
Jordan graduated in 17.
I think it was.
2016, was her first time inrehab, was her first time in
(11:53):
rehab and she came home and um,she finally had admitted that
she was doing um, she was doingXanax, so she had not gotten to
the really, really, really hardstuff, but that was hard enough
and, um, she couldn't.
She couldn't come off of it byherself.
So she came home and she washaving withdrawals and, um, I,
(12:13):
you know I'm going crazy, I'mcalling whoever I can so I find
her a place.
Well, before she goes.
Um, her sister came and saw herand, I'm sorry, I said 2016,.
It was 2018.
Um, her sister came and saw herand, I'm sorry, I said 2016,.
It was 2018.
Um, jordan came home and theysat out in the car and talked
(12:33):
and Jordan left and she came inand she said well, mom, she said
um, I promised Jordan that Iwould tell you this before, uh,
before you take me to MountSinai.
You this before, uh, before youtake me to Mount Sinai um come
to find out she had been, uh,she had been raped when she was
15 years old violently raped,not a date rape.
(12:56):
Violently raped twice by um andthe same night and um.
And then when we moved herjunior year, she was date raped.
She passed out and she woke upwith the guy taking advantage of
(13:18):
her.
Oh my.
And so you just take the yearsof the trauma and everything and
now you're adding real traumaand it.
She couldn't, she couldn'thandle it and so she had been
self-medicating all those years.
And you know, the more youself-medicate, the more you
(13:39):
self-medicate, the more and moreyou take.
And um, that was I know thatshe was doing um, xanax was the
drug that she did.
She had not yet stepped intoheroin.
Um, she went to rehab.
(13:59):
She came out and, uh, thispart's foggy I.
I don't know if it was maybetwo months.
I think that she stayed clean,um and we she went into a sober
living, um, which you know again, you learn things.
You know those are just, it'sjust a place for them to.
Speaker 2 (14:26):
Some of them are good and some of them are not.
Some of them are good.
Speaker 3 (14:30):
Yes.
Speaker 2 (14:30):
Yes, for our listeners, sober living is where
, basically, when they come outof a treatment center, it's
supposed to be a safe haven,where they're kind of living
with a group of people with likea house manager that oversees
them.
They go to meetings, they workjobs, they do this type stuff to
be able to get back on theirfeet and transition back into
(14:51):
quote unquote the real world.
And there are some good thatare very manageable and managed
and the people there are allworking towards the same goal,
and then there's others that areintroducing you to new things.
Speaker 3 (15:05):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (15:05):
That you shouldn't be introduced to.
In those cases, yeah.
So, it's when in the recoveryor in the what's this called
Addiction world and thetreatment centers and stuff like
that there are differences, inthat it does matter.
Speaker 3 (15:22):
Yes, and you definitely have to.
You know, I did my research onthe rehabs, not, didn't you know
, ignorance, I just didn't know.
You know, I thought it's hey,it's, it's a sober living, what
could possibly?
You know they, they'remonitored.
Well, you know again, some do,some don't.
Unfortunately, she was in onewhere they didn't.
(15:42):
Unfortunately, she was in onewhere they didngan took heroin.
(16:19):
She did not inject herself, shewas actually, uh, assisted by
someone else.
She was assisted.
She was not coherent enough tosay no, to understand what was
going on, and he injected herand you know from that first hit
it was she was.
Speaker 2 (16:39):
It's highly addictive ?
Speaker 3 (16:41):
Yeah, probably it's probably.
I've always heard it's one ofthe most addictive and it's,
besides alcohol, it's the mostdangerous one to come off of.
Speaker 2 (16:50):
Yeah, you could die coming off of either alcohol or,
yeah, heroin without opioids isyes, yes.
Speaker 3 (16:58):
So, um, we spent the next four and a half years, um,
in and out of rehabs, in and outof sober livings.
Um, she went from Georgia to we, we.
She found a place down inFlorida.
She wanted to go.
(17:19):
We switched insurance, got hermoved down there with her
grandparents and then she founda place further south that she
wanted to go and you know, bythis point she had navigated the
system.
I mean, she could get onlineand find and figure out
insurance, because you knowthey're, they want your money.
So, again, not all are bad,some are good, yeah, so she
(17:46):
found places and she wound updown in Palo Alto, palm Beach.
Yeah, I always get them.
Is it West Palm Beach?
That's in Florida?
I have no idea.
I always forget there's a PalmBeach.
I think Palm Beach isCalifornia.
West Palm Beach is, yeah, westPalm Beach, that's a Palm Beach.
Speaker 1 (18:05):
I think Palm Beach is California, west Palm Beach is.
Yeah, west Palm Beach, that'sright.
Speaker 3 (18:07):
You would think it was backwards.
I know right.
I think that's why it alwaysconfuses me.
Speaker 2 (18:12):
Yes, you would think it was backwards, because that's
the West Coast anyway.
Speaker 3 (18:17):
We wound up down there and you know Logan had she
couldn't be alone.
She's codependent, so alwaysvery codependent, always needed
to have somebody else, a guy,with her, and so she went
through three or four boyfriendsin the four or five years that
(18:38):
she was in and out of rehab.
Of course, all of them she metin rehab or in sober living and
that's okay, because sometimesthat works.
But for somebody like Logan itwas not going to work and bad
choice after bad choice.
Speaker 2 (18:58):
And so it's a vicious cycle.
It's a vicious cycle with theplaces and the decisions and the
people, and they might besomebody different in a
different place, but it's stillthe same cycle.
Speaker 1 (19:09):
Yep.
Speaker 2 (19:10):
And so she cycled what, like you said, four to
five years.
Oh yeah, and she was back home.
Yes, with y'all, yeah.
Speaker 3 (19:18):
She I.
Actually, in February of 2022,sean and I were still living in
Atlanta and we got a phone call,um from some strange man out in
California that said you needto fly out here and get your
daughter.
She is.
Um, she was at his apartment.
(19:40):
She was scared.
Um, she had no place to go.
She was scared, she had noplace to go.
She had lost her luggage.
And come to find out, I think hewas a dealer, not 100%, but it
was just a very long, bad night.
(20:01):
To the point, I booked a flightand in five hours I was on a
plane to California, went andgot her and brought her back and
, um, I met the guy that she wasdating at the time.
He was supposed to be goingback to Minnesota.
Um, he did not.
He came to Georgia.
(20:21):
We did not know that untilsomewhere around May 7th, I
guess.
We caught him in our basement.
She swore that he was going toa rehab.
So you know nothing that we cando.
I'm not kicking her out.
So, anyway, I'm making thisstory choppy, but on May 13th,
(20:49):
we had to fly down to Floridabecause we got a call from
Sean's mom that his dad waspassing away and it was
happening pretty quick.
So we caught a flight the verynext.
Well, we booked it the nextmorning and we were flying out
that afternoon.
Um, and.
Speaker 1 (21:07):
Sean's your husband, right.
Speaker 3 (21:09):
Sean is my husband.
I'm sorry, yes, yeah, um, Ikept.
I was on Logan.
It was taking her forever toget ready and I finally I'm like
what is going like?
What is going on?
And she had been good.
She had been going out with hersister.
They were getting along great.
(21:29):
No signs of anything that Icould see Now.
She drank, but Logan was nevera big drinker.
So if she did drink and I knowfor a lot of people they don't
understand that, but lesser oftwo evils, you know, and I
(21:49):
wanted her at home.
So if she was going to go outand she would have a few drinks,
then so be it.
At least she's here and she'snot.
She's not doing heroin, she'snot doing meth, she's not doing
any of that.
And we have an eye on her.
She was with her sister.
Speaker 2 (22:04):
She was with her sister, who was her protector
and loved her and was not goingto allow that to happen Exactly.
Speaker 3 (22:13):
So, um, I go downstairs and yeah, I came come
to find out.
Uh, the guy, his name, um, hisname doesn't matter, don't say
his name.
Speaker 2 (22:25):
Yeah, I don't know why.
I even sort of said that wedon't give him any air time.
He doesn't get any air time.
Speaker 1 (22:34):
That's right.
Speaker 3 (22:36):
I have a name, but I won't say that on here.
Yeah, I'm sure you do.
Yeah, do yeah.
So, uh, he is downstairs in ourbasement with her and she is
three sheets to the windhammered.
I just thought she was drunk.
She was not.
She was high, she had, um, shehad been doing heroin, um, and
(22:59):
we have to get her on a plane toFlorida.
So we finally do.
We go to Florida.
Sean's dad passes away.
We come back.
On May 21st, sean and I go outto a concert.
We get back from the concertand we go to a place in Roswell
(23:19):
and Sean has an accident thatnight.
He slips on some steps, breakshis ribs, almost dies, spins.
See, that was May 21st.
On May May 29th they decidedthey scheduled a surgery.
(23:43):
They were going to do surgeryon him May 30th to scrape out
his lungs because his lungsfilled with fluid and that it
almost killed him, and so, onthe morning that they're
supposed to do surgery, I get aphone call from my mother-in-law
and she's hysterical.
She's like I was getting ready,she's like I was in your room
and um, two, um, sorry.
Speaker 1 (24:11):
You are fine.
Take a breath, it's hard.
Speaker 3 (24:16):
Two EMTs, um, came around, the came into my bedroom
and they were they.
They were like do you need help?
Do you need medical help?
And she was like, what are youtalking about?
And they were like we got aphone call.
We got a phone call that therewas an unresponsive 25-year-old
in the house.
So my mother-in-law knows.
So she is like, oh my God.
So she takes them back down allthe way to the bottom floor and
(24:39):
, um, they're trying to open thedoor.
It's locked.
And so they burst through thedoor and Logan was laid back on
the bed, um, and the guy wasgoing out the window as the EMTs
were coming in and um, she was.
(25:00):
I think she was gone at thatpoint, but I don't.
I don't know Um, cause you knowthey they didn't, they didn't
pronounce her.
Her time of death was, um,after she was at the hospital.
And I know that that's that'snot.
I don't think that it's correct.
But, um, I got home, I hung upwith her and I jumped in my car
(25:24):
and thankfully we were only.
We were less than 10 minutesfrom the hospital.
So when I got there, um, theywere coming out with her on the
um gurney and they had the, thebig machine, um, the gurney, and
(25:52):
they had the big machine and Iran over and I was screaming is
she alive, is she alive?
And they won't even look at me.
And out of the corner of my eyeI saw him on the ground under
the window and I just ran andleapt on top of him and just
pummeled him to the point that Igot pulled off of him.
(26:14):
I didn't get thrown to theground, they did not throw me to
the ground, but I got put onthe ground and I got handcuffed
where I was when my youngerdaughter showed up.
So I'm on the ground handcuffed.
They are taking her into theambulance and, um, the only good
(26:35):
thing the guy ever did is they.
Um asked him if he wanted topress charges and he said I
don't know what you're talkingabout.
She didn't touch me.
He did do one decent thing, butthey kept me there until they
were making me stay because ofsome protocol I don't even know
(26:57):
what it was and the femaleofficer got a notification and
she said they want me to get youto the hospital now.
So when I got there, I walkedin and Sean had come downstairs
from his hospital room and welocked eyes and he said she's
gone.
Speaker 2 (27:16):
And she was gone.
Speaker 1 (27:20):
Oh my gosh was gone.
Speaker 3 (27:29):
Oh my gosh, you know that whole scene, I know just
probably replaced and replacedand replaced in your head.
You know you have so many um.
It was one of the moms that Italked to her.
Her son just died and you knowshe just what ifs.
Every time I see her she's justlike if I had, if I had, and
I'm like we all would have.
(27:50):
But my what if is?
Um, what if I had to let myanger get me and I hadn't ran
towards him?
If I would have gotten into thehospital, into the ambulance
with her and she heard my voice,you know, was she alive?
Would it have pulled her back?
And that's the thing that I goover and over in my head and I
(28:13):
know that's.
It's such a.
You know, this is the craziestthings that you.
I mean.
There's a thousand things thatI'd go back and think and know
that I could have done different.
But that day, that moment intime, just to hold her hand,
because they wouldn't let ustouch her, they weren't going to
(28:37):
let us go in and see her and wehad to beg to go in and see her
.
Going to, let us go in and seeher, and we had to beg to go in
and see her.
So the medical examiner said Iwill let you go in.
But he said you have to promiseme you will not touch her
because I don't know if she is acrime scene yet.
Speaker 1 (28:56):
Good mistakes.
Oh my gosh, I'm so sorry.
Speaker 3 (29:00):
So that's, uh, that's Logan's story Um well, and you
have you.
Speaker 1 (29:07):
you know, as we all know, we, you carry your grief,
and then you have your daughtersand your husbands, and I mean
it just is, it's so many layersthat are so, so hard.
Speaker 3 (29:18):
And you know the thing with my daughter I, you
know she was always such astrong, confident kid.
I like it, that's.
The other thing that breaks myheart is she fell apart, you
know, and all those years Ithought she was so strong and
she was just.
She was dying inside with meand Sean and I, you know, I was
(29:42):
so hyper focused on Logan andall of her struggles that I'm.
I missed my younger daughter'sstruggles.
So another what if she turnedout great?
Speaker 2 (29:54):
So addiction is a family disease.
Yeah, that is.
You know all of that.
And then you know, and so she'spassed.
Now, how?
Now?
The next question is Michelle,what have you?
I mean, you want to ask it.
You're the good question person.
Speaker 1 (30:12):
Well, I was.
I was going to say you talkedabout your daughter Jordan doing
well, fast forward to just thisfall and you celebrated her
wedding.
I mean that to go from the endof May and that horrific scene
and just desperate sorrow.
(30:35):
I mean we met you, I think.
What was it?
Maybe three weeks after thatthat you came to your mom's no?
Speaker 2 (30:41):
December.
It was December of last year.
Speaker 1 (30:43):
Oh, so six months yeah.
Speaker 3 (30:45):
It was a year, it was .
I think it was a year and ahalf.
Speaker 2 (30:48):
It was a year and a half.
Yeah, Cause I.
Speaker 3 (30:50):
I was.
I was non-functioning, yeah.
Speaker 1 (30:54):
Oh, absolutely.
Speaker 3 (30:57):
So no, it was a year and a.
Speaker 1 (30:58):
It was a year and a half, yeah, and a year and a
half yeah, and um, what were Imean when you say you were
non-functioning?
Speaker 3 (31:32):
like give us a couple pictures of of what that was
like you know I've wondered somany times how people, um, I say
that have real jobs, I have areal job, we have a business.
But you know, I could, like Izoned out on TV for six months
and it was just, it wasbackground noise, it just, and
it was just to shut out.
I'm sorry, I'm going to shutthe bedroom door, it was just to
(31:55):
shut out the noise in my headbecause I couldn't, you know, I
couldn't stand myself, for youknow, you think I, I did, I let
my kid down.
How did I let this happen?
Right?
So I just, you know, I could goout and I could see friends,
but then I would be immobile forjust days, just just not moving
(32:19):
.
Speaker 2 (32:20):
Everything out of you to go out and see plants, yeah
yeah, and act like you're okay,or were you?
Did you act like you were okay,or were you just like?
Speaker 3 (32:30):
no, I mean, I don't think I, I don't think I acted
like I was okay and I'll just bebrutally honest.
Wine got me through a lot, um,cause you didn't feel, I didn't
know and I didn't want to feel,and that numbed it.
That really numbed it.
(32:51):
Um, you know, I, I, I struggledwith a lot, of, a lot of things
.
Um well, I was headed down theself-medicating path.
What?
Speaker 1 (33:01):
was it that got you out of that or that took you to
some healthy strategies instead?
I don't know if I'm there yet.
Yeah Well we all have thesemoments right, I think, jordan
getting engaged.
Speaker 3 (33:17):
I know that that focused my mind so I could think
about that and have that, thatjoy to look forward to.
Um, but you know, sean and Ihave both said since the wedding
we've just plummeted a littlebit because you know you have
(33:40):
that to look forward to, youhave all that and I I knew I had
already prepared myself thatwhen that's over I'm oh dear
sorry.
No, you're good, you can stillhear me.
Yes, yeah, so new to this,you're fine.
Speaker 2 (33:59):
I love it.
It's back, we've, we've worked,we've figured all that out like
a year ago.
Yeah, yeah, we're professionalsat this technology thing, but
we are a little bit better thanwe were at the beginning, right,
michelle?
Speaker 3 (34:15):
yes, for sure but anyway, I am, I focused on that
and God love her.
She, she, she is amazing.
She planned this incredible,incredible wedding and people
you know are like, how did youdo it, how did you?
And I was like, well, um, shejust pointed a finger and said,
(34:37):
mom, do this, do that, do this.
And I did it.
And she knew she knows me well,she knew what I could handle
and what I couldn't handle.
She knew that I wouldprocrastinate.
She knew that, you know, sheknew me, so she never gave me
more than I could handle, justenough that I was part of it and
I could occupy myself, you know, occupy my brain.
(35:01):
Yeah, and the pictures areabsolutely stunning, I know, and
again, she researched, andresearched, and researched, and
she had a very specific you know, and we haven't even that was
just like the preview.
You know, I hadn't even gottenall of them back yet I haven't
even gotten a picture of myselfother than what my friends took,
(35:23):
because they just sent uspictures of the bridal party.
Speaker 1 (35:29):
They did the video too, and they do like kind of a
cinematic video, so I'm superexcited, yes, how did you get
through the day and you knowkind of honor, that grief of you
know missing Logan and knowingshe would be right there with
Jordan, and how did you getthrough that day?
Speaker 3 (35:52):
So she was very generous and she by she, I mean
Jordan was very generous withwhat, letting me have.
You know, I needed to havecertain things to feel like
Logan was there, but I also, youknow, I don't want, I didn't
want to over take the day away.
(36:14):
No, no, but she was verygracious with saying you know,
mom, if you need that, we'll dothat.
So, um, and the day is sofrantic so you almost don't have
time, but we, um, we had a, uh,we had chairs that were draped
and we did it on both sidesbecause, um, her husband had
(36:34):
lost.
It's so weird to say, herhusband, you have a son-in-law?
Speaker 1 (36:38):
Yeah, my son-in-law.
Speaker 2 (36:45):
He had lost you.
Sound old Jenny, uh-oh, I knowGod, it's so weird.
Speaker 3 (36:53):
So weird.
You're like a grown-up orsomething Right, exactly,
exactly.
So we had chairs, two emptychairs on each side with drapes
over them that had the names andJordan's best friend growing up
.
She lived at our house from thetime she was five years old
(37:15):
because they played soccertogether, so she's like my third
daughter, uh-huh.
When she came down the aisleshe had an extra bouquet that
would have been Logan's bouquet.
So when she came down shestopped and put the bouquet in.
Oh, stop it.
And Jordan's maid of honor hadus all, had made us these
(37:43):
beautiful little pins withpictures.
And then I had surprised Jordanand um Sean.
I found these little vials, um,for their ashes, and so I gave
them both on the day of thewedding.
So I told Sean, I said you canstill walk floating down the
aisle.
Oh my, we did that.
(38:04):
And then we had a table at thereception and then we have a
song.
Sweet Caroline is our littlefamily song that I would never
tell you the story to it becauseit's just bad.
Parenting 101.
Speaker 2 (38:24):
We don't want to put that out in the world.
Yeah, that's right.
Speaker 3 (38:28):
But we played that song and had just a big dance
for her and anyway we she wasthere and we made the maid of
honor also decided to do ascrapbook for Jordan, and so
(38:49):
that everybody made a scrapbookpage and so I made two pages.
I made one for me.
Speaker 1 (38:56):
One for Logan that was hard, wasn't it?
Speaker 2 (38:58):
Yeah, it took a while .
Speaker 3 (39:00):
Yeah, it took a while .
Yeah, we kind of have thisthing, that Jordan.
I think it was my firstbirthday after Logan passed.
She gave me a card and she saidin it it said what Logan would
say, and then she had theselittle.
She would tell you to be happy.
(39:22):
She would tell you know I'vekind of kept that on, you know,
when I give stuff to her, youknow what Logan would say.
And then I also had our littleteddy bear.
Logan's ashes are in here.
So I had that with me all day.
Speaker 1 (39:38):
Oh, I love that.
Speaker 3 (39:39):
Oh my gosh.
Speaker 1 (39:41):
Those were just.
Those are beautiful things Ihaven't heard about.
Speaker 3 (39:47):
Well, one thing.
The other thing that we did too.
I got this from a Never Say HerDeal.
Yes, the very first time.
She was at the first meetingthat I went to and, um, she was
talking about her daughter andum they had they did a family
(40:09):
portrait and had a picture ofher son in the portrait, and so
we did that.
So we had a family, our familypictures.
We have a picture of Logan Ialso had the picture in the
chair beside me, but we also didthat so I'm super excited to
see that too.
Speaker 2 (40:25):
I love that.
Speaker 3 (40:26):
I love that.
Speaker 2 (40:27):
Beautiful.
Speaker 1 (40:28):
I love it.
So what are some of the thingsthat you've found that have been
helpful?
So, when we think of listeners,and you're two and a half years
in and, gosh, you've just livedthrough so much trauma and um,
what are some things that youcould say that helped?
Speaker 2 (40:53):
Somewhat.
I think two and a half years isnot.
I know still in it.
It's still in the trenches.
Speaker 3 (41:04):
I know it's still in it, it's still in the trenches,
oh well, yeah, the second yearwas just horrible.
And you know, I think I thinkone thing that I would say is
you know, I appreciate that,like Amy was brutally honest
with me about, you know, thesecond year, the third year, you
know it's not, it doesn't getbetter, it doesn't get or it
doesn't get easier.
That's what I want to say.
(41:25):
It doesn't get easier, it getsbetter, but it doesn't get
easier.
And for me, you know, jordanand Sean both wanted me to talk
to somebody, to to see somebody,a therapist.
And for me, just for mepersonally, just going and
(41:49):
talking to somebody that reallyhas no other than a clinical
idea of what I'm Um, that to me,was not going to help me.
I needed, um, I needed somebodywho had experienced it, who had
(42:11):
, who had.
It didn't have to be my exacttrauma, but it had to be.
They had to have a realunderstanding for me to talk to.
So, going to Warrior Moms myfamily doesn't let me miss.
There's been days I'll come upwith every excuse and they're
like no, you need to go, youneed to go.
Speaker 2 (42:33):
They have it circled on their calendar.
Yes, exactly.
Speaker 3 (42:39):
To the point where it's been like 30 minutes before
and Sean's like go, like youneed to go.
So, um, I think you know, tryto surround yourself with with
Pete, don't don't just talk to,just to a psychiatrist, or talk
to people that have been, likeyou said, in the trenches, that
(43:01):
know and have proven you knowthat have ways that they've
dealt with it, cause I'm stilllearning, like I, I still don't
have, um, it's just day to day.
Oh yeah, it's just I.
Today I was like I don't.
I literally was like I don'tknow if I can do this.
Yeah, I don't know if I can doit, I'm not sure.
Speaker 1 (43:22):
We wondered that.
We said that right before.
Yeah, I was like I am hittingpanic mode.
Speaker 3 (43:29):
Like an hour before, my palms were sweating and I was
like, oh, I'm just gettingready to just lay this whole
thing out there and look at me,I'm getting nervous, yeah.
But, um, and I'll be honest,I've, I have self-medicated,
I've I the the first.
Is it okay if I share this?
(43:51):
Yeah, the first six months, orwell, for six months, the first
six weeks, um, I probably wentthrough a bottle of wine a day
and I thought that that wasnumbing my pain.
It doesn't, it amplifies it.
Speaker 1 (44:13):
Yeah.
So, it just puts it off,doesn't it for?
Speaker 3 (44:17):
another day.
Speaker 2 (44:19):
Exactly, exactly.
And you're not the only onethat has done that.
Oh, I know.
Speaker 1 (44:25):
Well, and we so appreciate your honesty because
it normalizes it and it's notsomething, of course, like you
said, it doesn't make it better,it just prolongs that.
You still have to face it.
Speaker 3 (44:39):
That's the reality of it all, but I love that you're
allowing others to hear you know, and it's and and nobody could
tell me, you know, and nobodycould tell me that it's you're
making it worse, you're justmaking it worse and I'm like,
yep, but right now, at thisparticular moment, I feel better
.
At 4.52 in the afternoon.
(45:04):
Yeah, go buy me another drink,and.
Speaker 2 (45:09):
I don't think that, but you had friends that cared
about you and loved you and havewalked this walk with you for
so long.
Speaker 1 (45:16):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (45:18):
But they don't know.
No, You're grateful for them tostick around and bring you
dinner and you know, come drinka glass of wine, whatever, but
it is hard to talk to thembecause you're sitting there
thinking.
You don't know what I'm feeling.
Speaker 3 (45:38):
No, you can't, and I don't want you to know that, and
I don't want you to.
You don't, but you know, butexactly.
Speaker 2 (45:48):
You're like I'm never going to be normal again
because nobody that I know thatI'm sitting with has been
through this.
They don't know you know and sothat, yeah, and I don't want
you to Right, and so that is thecomforting, and so that, yeah,
and I don't want you to, and sothat is the comforting part.
Speaker 1 (46:05):
How did you move from ?
You know the bottle of wine aday.
Speaker 3 (46:13):
How did you sort of wake up from that?
Well again, I'll be brutallyhonest, I looked in the mirror
one day and realized I had aged10 years, you know, and I know
it wasn't just that.
Um but it, yeah, I knew that Iwas because of what I had.
(46:41):
I think I got scared that Icould be permanently
self-medicating.
Speaker 1 (46:51):
Yeah, that you could follow Logan.
Speaker 3 (46:53):
Exactly, and I will say a lot of it to Jordan.
It wasn't fair to her for me tobe.
She's scared to death.
She's going to lose Sean or I.
Speaker 1 (47:09):
She has a great fear in that and I couldn't do that
to her yeah, if you can controlsomething, that's one thing you
can control, right yeah, yeah,so not that there's not days
that I still don't right, yes,
Speaker 2 (47:27):
you know, it's just day by day and that is I mean we
have a common theme betweenmichelle and I is you have to
make a choice every day yeahit's just like an addict.
You make a choice every day tohave a good day or to be present
.
That day, mine was to get outof bed.
(47:47):
I had to pee sometimes.
Speaker 3 (47:54):
Yeah, there are days where and Sean and I both do it
there are days where we justlook at each other and we're
like we're not doing anythingtoday, Are we?
Speaker 2 (48:04):
Yeah, it's just camp, you know you don't even have to
talk to me.
Speaker 1 (48:11):
Yeah, I mean we're eight years into it and we still
have those days I mean, it'sjust, you're always going to,
the missing is never going to goaway.
Days I mean it's just, you'realways going to, the missing is
never going to go away.
It's just such heartache.
But it does get fewer.
The days get fewer that youneed to sit still or to stay in
(48:32):
bed for sure.
Speaker 2 (48:33):
And they're not as drastic.
I feel too.
Yeah, they used to be drastic,and days on end, and now it's
just one or two days instead offour or five days.
Speaker 3 (48:44):
Exactly, exactly, yes , I think.
To go back to your question, Ithink another thing that we and
we just, you know, we just didit for her two year, but it's
kind of um, you know, I feltlike on her birthday and on her,
um, angel day, angel day thatwe had to, you know, go sit
(49:08):
somewhere and let balloons goand listen to sad music and cry,
and um, because that justseemed like what we should do.
And so, um, this past year, forher um, two year, sean was like
he's like, I don't want to gosit at the lake, listen to music
and cry.
He's like, and I was like, butwell, but I need to feel, I need
(49:29):
to, you know, make sure thatshe knows that I'm down here
feeling sad and he's like why?
what would she really want?
She would want you to celebrate.
He's like let's go to StoneMountain.
And I was like, are you insane,are you serious?
He's like, yes, we're going toStone Mountain.
So I was like he's like don'tyou think Logan would love that?
Didn't she love the laser show?
(49:51):
I was like she did when she waslittle.
So we took our balloons, wetook our little radio and had
just, you know, just had her,our family and her couple of
best friends and watch the lasershow.
We played her song and we letthe balloons go.
And then we decided for herbirthday or for, I think, next
(50:14):
year, we're actually going gokarting.
So for her birthday we still do.
I think we're going to do thesame thing that we've done.
But you know, I think my pointwas is you don't have to just
sit and be sad on that day.
You know, do something thatthat celebrates them, that they
would enjoy and that it was sowonderful this year doing that.
(50:36):
Like it's just not something Iwould have ever thought, but
yeah, I would.
You know, go, go, do somethingthey love.
Speaker 1 (50:43):
I love that advice.
Speaker 2 (50:45):
Yes, and it evolves.
Like you said, it just kind oforganically happened.
Yeah, and now you're like, oh,she would love to roll her.
You know, I know we talkedabout the go-kart and I was like
, oh, there's like professional,like fast ones, yes, I told you
I was like that's what we'regoing to do.
Speaker 3 (51:03):
He's like honey.
He's like I don't think we needto do that in December.
We might want to hold that offto her angel day.
You know what?
That's a good point.
Go-karting in December might bea little cold.
Speaker 2 (51:15):
Oh yes, oh no, thank you.
Speaker 1 (51:17):
For sure.
Oh my gosh.
Well, thank you so much, jenny.
I just you know you were sovulnerable and honest and I know
you missed that sweet andgenerous, sweet girl of yours.
Thank you, and we're so sorryand you know we, like um Amy
(51:39):
said that you're in our group,but we're so glad that you found
that you know we're in thistogether.
Speaker 3 (51:44):
I'm so grateful I you guys have helped me so much and
I I'm just, and you help us, Idon't Well, thank you, I mean
it's, it's.
Speaker 2 (51:56):
We're in this together.
Speaker 3 (51:57):
We say it cliche like , but it's, we're in this
together.
Speaker 2 (51:58):
We say it cliche, but we are in this together.
I mean, we all learn from eachother and we support each other.
And looking back to two and ahalf years ago, or when I was
two and a half years out orsomething like that, I think
back to where I was and where Iam now and I'm like I'm grateful
that I've chosen to continue tomake that decision to honor and
(52:24):
to live.
Speaker 1 (52:25):
Yeah, yeah.
Speaker 2 (52:28):
And you're doing the same thing and it makes me proud
of you and proud of all of usto continue.
Speaker 1 (52:34):
Yes, there's bad days and I remember that one of
those meetings and you weretalking about, you just couldn't
imagine even going to Jordan'swedding and how would you even
possibly make it through yourday?
And I look at those picturesand it's just I mean, I know you
had such sad moments but thereis so much joy on all of your
(52:56):
faces and I'm just so happy itwas.
Speaker 3 (52:59):
And I'm going to tell one last, really fast story
because I hope that she listensto it.
My best friend and it would beJordan's friend, bailey, it's
her mom, her son got married afew years ago and when she was
coming down the aisle we jokeand we say it was really funny
because all of a sudden she'sdoing the ugly cry.
Speaker 2 (53:21):
Y'all know what the ugly cry is.
Speaker 3 (53:23):
It's like she just happened to call her son and I
was like God, no matter what,please do not let me do the ugly
cry.
Speaker 2 (53:33):
That's all I need.
The day will be successful.
The day will be successful.
Speaker 3 (53:39):
We're getting ready to walk and Sean's brother
walked me down the aisle and wekind of came around the corner
and two of my friends weresitting in the back.
And Jordan, it was a phone-freewedding supposed to be.
You were not supposed to haveyour phone out.
Yeah, and lo and behold, ofcourse two of my closest friends
(53:59):
are back there in the back withthe cameras held high recording
and I was so grateful because Ididn't do the ugly cry, because
it just cracked me up.
Yeah, breaking the rules rightthere.
So I didn't do the ugly cry, butI did do the ugly cry when
Bailey came down the aisle.
But you know you, I didn't knowhow I would get through it.
(54:21):
But you know, when you lose oneand you get to see the other
one, filled with joy andmarrying the love of her life
and marrying quite possibly,I'll say, the second sweetest
man on earth, then if you find away to get through it, yes,
Well, I'm just so glad.
Speaker 1 (54:42):
I can't wait to see the rest of the pictures.
Speaker 3 (54:44):
I know me either.
Y'all will see them for sure.
Speaker 1 (54:47):
Yes, well, thank you again for coming on.
Thank you.
Yes, we so appreciate it.
We'll share your soul.
Speaker 3 (54:54):
Thank you.
I appreciate you guys having meand, if it you know, yes, and
we'll see you soon.
Speaker 1 (54:59):
Just a yes Week next week, yes, I will be there Day
after my birthday, so.
Yes, well, happy birthday early, thank you.
Speaker 3 (55:12):
I am.
Speaker 2 (55:13):
How'd you know?
I love it, oh my God.
Speaker 3 (55:18):
Thank you, I know Thank you all.
Bye I love it.
Speaker 2 (55:19):
Oh my god, thank you and thank you all for listening
bye guys yes bye.
Popular Podcasts
Dateline NBC
Current and classic episodes, featuring compelling true-crime mysteries, powerful documentaries and in-depth investigations. Special Summer Offer: Exclusively on Apple Podcasts, try our Dateline Premium subscription completely free for one month! With Dateline Premium, you get every episode ad-free plus exclusive bonus content.
The Breakfast Club
The World's Most Dangerous Morning Show, The Breakfast Club, With DJ Envy, Jess Hilarious, And Charlamagne Tha God!
Crime Junkie
Does hearing about a true crime case always leave you scouring the internet for the truth behind the story? Dive into your next mystery with Crime Junkie. Every Monday, join your host Ashley Flowers as she unravels all the details of infamous and underreported true crime cases with her best friend Brit Prawat. From cold cases to missing persons and heroes in our community who seek justice, Crime Junkie is your destination for theories and stories you won’t hear anywhere else. Whether you're a seasoned true crime enthusiast or new to the genre, you'll find yourself on the edge of your seat awaiting a new episode every Monday. If you can never get enough true crime... Congratulations, you’ve found your people. Follow to join a community of Crime Junkies! Crime Junkie is presented by audiochuck Media Company.