Facing the holiday season after losing a child is an unimaginable challenge. Imagine the struggle of embracing Christmas traditions when the absence of a loved one is overwhelmingly palpable. In this episode, we're joined by Rae Ann Gruver and Brandy Couey, two courageous mothers who bravely share their journey through grief during the holidays. Together, we explore how each mother finds ways to honor their sons' memories and navigate the festive season with both sorrow and love.
As hosts, we, Michele Davis and Amy Durham, lead a discussion on the healing power of traditions, both old and new. Rae Ann shares the story of her friends who organized a touching tribute using ornaments to honor her son, Max, and Brandi shares about Cole's Christmas tree at the cemetery, both illustrating the significance of community support. Both Warrior Moms speak of how to give space for grief moments away from the holiday bustle. They delve into the creative ways they adapted their traditions, whether by baking cookies, decorating a thematic tree, or revisiting cherished rituals, all while allowing themselves the grace to process their emotions.
As we journey through the bittersweet landscape of holiday memories, we emphasize the importance of connection, presence, and creating meaningful experiences with loved ones. Together, we uncover how love, memory, and the support of others can transform holiday grief into a journey of hope and remembrance.
"Dream Bird" by Jonny Easton
Thank you for listening to Warrior Moms podcast. It is an honor to share about our beloved children gone too soon, and we hope by telling of our loss, it may help someone in their grief journey. Please note that we are not medical professionals and encourage those listening to seek help from mental health professionals.
We'd love to hear from our followers!
Website: https://www.warriormoms.me/
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With love,
Warrior Moms Amy & Michele
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:01):
Well, hello and welcome back to Warrior Moms.
I am Michelle Davis.
Speaker 2 (00:07):
And I'm Amy Durham and we are so glad to have y'all
here in December.
I know Another holiday iscoming up.
Speaker 1 (00:14):
Michelle, this is the tough one of our toughest
seasons, most definitely, forsure, and that's what we're here
to talk about today is how dowe get through, you know, the
holiday season and what helps us, what doesn't, what.
How are those?
First?
Speaker 2 (00:32):
Christmases.
Yeah, we have two of ourfriends here.
We have a Brandy Cooey and wealso have Ray and a Groover.
We've had both of them onbefore, but it's really going to
be fun.
I use the term fun, but it'llbe interesting and good to hear
different.
We're all at different yearsand stages in this grief process
(00:55):
and in this holiday process, soit'll be good to hear.
Speaker 1 (01:06):
Let's start out with just say your child's name and
just a little bit about when youlost them and what year you
were in, in terms of whatChristmas yeah, year you were in
this year at Christmas.
Speaker 4 (01:16):
You want to start, Rayanne?
Speaker 3 (01:19):
I can, I can.
So I'm Rayanne Gruber.
Thanks, ladies, for having meback on.
I do love to talk with you guys.
It always puts a smile on myface and my son is Max, and he
passed away in September of 2017.
And so this is actually likeit's crazy, but it's very hard
to believe that this will be oureighth holiday season, so our
(01:42):
eighth Christmas without himbeing here, which just seems so
unreal.
Yeah, to be honest, like I meanwe've had eight.
I mean eight seems like such abig number in a lot of ways you
know it is.
I know, yeah, it's.
It's really kind of bizarre tome.
Speaker 1 (02:01):
It is and I know I don't know I'm right at nine um
rayanne.
I'm carter's mom, michelle, andit's.
Yeah, I mean I say that number,I hear you saying that number
and I immediately am choked upbecause it's yeah, it takes my
breath away.
I'm like yeah, literally yeah,um, so, amy, you're the the next
(02:23):
youngest I.
Speaker 2 (02:24):
Alec passed away in May of 2019.
Speaker 4 (02:28):
So this will be Christmas number six without him
, and then, Brandy she's ourbaby, I am the baby, so, cole,
his accident was in January of2021.
And so this will be our.
We've got three Christmaseswithout him.
(02:49):
I lost track of one at somepoint along the way because I've
been trying to think of what wedid all those ones, but it
actually is kind of a prequel ofwhat I go through in January,
because, you know, for a lot ofpeople't I don't mean this in an
ugly way, but you get a littlebreak in between, a little
(03:11):
breather, but I'm fromThanksgiving to Christmas to
January with the wreck and thenyou know, then you have birthday
.
It's just like back to back toback, so like or is during the
summer.
But you know, the hardest partto me by far is just like you
(03:32):
said.
You start thinking wow, likewhere did the time go and and
how about even?
How was I even able tocelebrate christmas without them
?
Speaker 3 (03:44):
do you agree with you , brand Brandy, about that
season, max dying in September?
I feel like September startsand it's like you have September
and then you go immediatelyinto October, which we always
loved.
Halloween and my daughter'sbirthday is in October, and then
it's Thanksgiving, my birthdayand Christmas, and then the New
Year and then Max's birthday andit's like wow, every Christmas
(04:04):
and then the new year and thenMax's birthday and it's like
it's like this whole.
It's like wow, you just everymonth is something I just got
chills, like every month is likesomething that's just reminding
you that they're not there.
When can I get that breather?
Speaker 1 (04:16):
Right and the wounds are always there, but it just
gets reopened on.
You know, in these particulartimes let's, let's go back as as
much as we can honestlyremember of that.
The first Christmas without, Ican't believe we have all boys
too.
That's so interesting, all ofus.
But tell me about Rianne, aboutthat first.
Speaker 3 (04:41):
Christmas.
Again, I always say I mean, Iremember, but I don't remember.
I know what we did.
I had to think about it, though, and I remember what we landed
up doing is.
I knew I wanted to leave, likeget out of town, and we always
love Seacrest beach, so we had ahouse.
We would always rent it springbreak or over the summer, and I
contacted the um, the owner, and, you know, told her what was
(05:03):
going on, and she was so sweet,they were so incredible about
the whole thing, and we ended upgoing there for basically the
two weeks, that whole break.
My family came for part of it,and one thing my friend did that
lives there I still have it'sthat tree I put up, but she had
sent out I get, I'm going to getchills, I'm gonna start crying.
(05:24):
She sent out like messages tolike friends across Facebook,
and everyone I practically likeknew I don't know how she did it
my friend Janet, she had themall ship with her ornaments, bye
, and then, the first day wewere thereet brought a christmas
(05:44):
tree to the house, and she haddecorated the whole house
outside and inside with you knowstuff, and, and then we she had
this huge basket she brought inthat had all these ornaments
from people I know from all overthe place, from college, high
school, you know, beyond, andthen and we unwrapped, you know,
undid them and put them on thetree and it was really, really
(06:09):
nice.
Now the rest of the two weeks Idon't really remember.
I know we were there, I knowyou know some friends came the
second half and you know we didwhat we did but it was, it was
hard but it.
You know I'm glad we did it theway we did.
It turned out to be the bestescape and every year I still
put up that tree with just Max'sornaments on it and from what
(06:34):
everybody sent us.
Speaker 2 (06:35):
So it's a nice thing I'm going to ask were you angry,
putting ornaments on the treeLike new ornaments on a new tree
?
Speaker 3 (06:43):
No, because it wasn't our house.
I think I wasn't.
You know, janet surprised mewith all that, with the house
outside and the inside of thehouse being decorated.
She borrowed stuff from peopleand people in her town came and
brought stuff for her to use.
So it was just such a kindgesture, you know.
And then, and then to the notesthat came with everything which
(07:05):
I still have, with all theornaments.
But it was just, it was just tome so kind how much people
cared um all lengths of our life, and so it was heartwarming.
Speaker 2 (07:20):
Yeah, it's very heartwarming, very rewarding in
a sense of the love.
Speaker 3 (07:25):
The next year doing our Christmas tree at home was
incredibly difficult like that.
Yeah, I, I wanted to do it forthe other two kids, but it was
really hard.
It was not, it was just hard.
It was hard seeing every, allof our stuff from all those
years.
That was harder.
Yeah for sure.
Speaker 2 (07:45):
The reason I asked?
Because I was angry putting upthe christmas tree, even for a
couple of years into it.
Speaker 3 (07:51):
I was just sure, and that I get, but having it, I
think, at the beach was justdifferent, because I I'd never
seen these and we were sosubmerged in max at that time.
I mean, 99 of my time isconsumed by him now, but at that
time it was like a hundred.
You know what I mean.
It was like he were beingeveryone was beyond.
You know him being oneveryone's brain, so it was just
(08:14):
nice.
But yes, I think it'sdefinitely got it.
Every year is different, Ithink also Christmas stuff.
Speaker 1 (08:22):
Yeah, absolutely Brandy.
What, what, how was that firstChristmas?
I know you said you had toreally think about, like all of
us.
It's like it's such.
Those first two, three yearsare such a fog and you're still
in it.
Speaker 4 (08:39):
Well, I actually have been sitting here in my teacher
way jotting stuff down because,like it's just, it's a foggy
time, but I just could not bringmyself to put up a tree, and my
husband is very old fashionedabout putting up a tree.
We've always had a real, alivetree.
My friend, pam, that y'all know, her family owns a family, ran
(09:02):
Christmas tree farm and we wouldget our Christmas tree there
and so we wouldn't really putours up until probably two weeks
before Christmas.
And also both of my kids playbasketball.
We were never at home duringChristmas but you know, you know
it was just one of our mostfavorite times.
So I just couldn't do it.
So I came home one day from workand some of my friends my
(09:25):
husband actually got anartificial tree I think he got
it from his mom's or somewhereand we actually they had
decorated it in Georgiaornaments, the whole thing in
red and black, and it was justgeneric Georgia, pretty lights
and ornaments and garland.
And then they did my mantle forme and had me a big old glass
(09:47):
of wine ready when I walked inand I just cried and cried
because it was just one of thosethings that I knew had to
happen for Annie, my littleAnnie Well, she's not a little
Annie anymore, but she was.
I knew I had to get that treeup for her, but I just
physically could not do it.
And they did it for me.
(10:08):
They took over for me and madeit happen.
And after it was there it wasjust kind of like a I could
breathe a little bit because itwas a little bit of normal, but
not normal in the house becauseit just looked empty and angry
and everything else, but, yes,depressing.
So I already said I am notstaying in Rome, I'm not doing
(10:32):
it, I cannot do Rome Christmas.
So we packed up and went toPort St Joe, to a house that had
a heated pool and all the funstuff we took.
My sister-in-law and herhusband went and my niece,
carrie, and Carrie and Annie arevery close and my husband and I
and we just I mean, we didlittle gifts every night, girls
(10:54):
and then we came home onChristmas day and just kind of
exchanged gifts there, but Istill, to this day, have not
gotten our ornaments out of theattic, like I can't.
I'm not there yet and I will be.
I feel myself I can do a littlebit more every year, like this
year.
I was looking at my mantle andI was like, do I still like this
(11:14):
?
I don't know, but my husbandmade me leave it because he's
superstitious, and that year wasthe first year Georgia won the
national championship.
Speaker 2 (11:21):
But anyway, it First year Georgia won the national
championship.
Speaker 4 (11:27):
But anyway, it's amazing that you're ever going
to be able to get this stuff out, because that I think we're
stuck with the Georgia treeunless I put up another one.
But we're not those peopleeither that put up like 20 trees
.
We put up one tree and butanyway, but we one of the things
that we do, kind of like Raeannsaid, is we got one of those
trees from it's actually aminiature version of a live tree
and put it at the cemetery andwe told people to bring
(11:50):
ornaments that reminded them ofCole and it is my most favorite
thing.
And it's not fancy.
It's funny, like in theornaments that people bring is
like I.
One year they went on abasketball trip somewhere and
ate at Cracker Barrel and forsome reason Cole decided it was
going to be fun to drink like awhole thing of syrup, syrup,
(12:13):
like they do on Elf, you know.
Speaker 3 (12:17):
Yeah, I could see Max and our boys probably doing
that too.
Speaker 2 (12:20):
Yes, you got spaghetti as we speak right now.
Speaker 4 (12:26):
So I have one of those Cracker Barrel syrup
bottles and there's Sour PatchKid ornaments there's, I mean,
there's everything on there andit's things that reminded them,
yeah, oh, and I love things thatreminded them yeah, oh, and I
love going every year, and everyyear they bring different ones
and put them on there, and wehave solar lights, yeah.
Speaker 1 (12:50):
I love that idea so much.
Speaker 4 (12:53):
It's something we do and it's so much fun.
And you know, I mean there'sall kinds of things on there and
I did not know that they hadall these different kinds of
ornaments.
I think there's a boot I don'tknow what bootlegger is, but I
think there's a boot.
It's a college black marketornament on there somewhere.
(13:14):
But like there's differentthings that reminded them of
coal, like one of our friendstook coal on his first hunting
trip.
So it's like there's antlers,like little an antler ornament,
and it's just.
It just means a lot to me.
When I go up there, andsometimes they leave a note,
sometimes they don't a lot ofpeople write in magic marker on
it and, and so that's a matterof fact, the tree got put up
(13:37):
today and we're going to gotomorrow and put the start, the
ornaments on it and then letpeople come in.
But now what?
Speaker 2 (13:43):
do you do at the end of this season, you know, when
Christmas is over?
Do you box them up and that youjust keep them there, or do you
revisit those every year?
Speaker 4 (13:53):
or box them up, and then I just put those back on
the tree and then we just addmore.
The tree just keeps gettingbigger and bigger.
So you know we're going to havea full-size tree.
Speaker 1 (14:06):
Well, and Randi and Brandi, you guys both said there
were things that you couldn'tdo, whether it was that first
year or second year, and whetheryou got away or, you know, you
were back home that second year,how did you give yourself space
(14:28):
?
Speaker 3 (14:28):
in that like sadness, um, what did you all do?
I don't know, gosh, that's.
That's a good question,michelle Cause.
I mean honestly, I don't evenknow if I'm answering this right
, but I think it's likeobviously, keeping busy.
I don't know what that keeping,but I mean I probably in the
last few years haven't I mean,I'm not a baker, but I think I'm
star baker now A lot of thosekind of like we talk about in
(14:50):
the book.
A lot of habits or things I liketo do now are things that I've
started post-max, that are likeit's to keep me occupied in some
sort of way.
So I would say too, in the lastseveral years I have started
like making different Christmascookies and baking with Lily and
doing different things, like, Ithink, just keeping busy.
(15:10):
And I do think most, mostholidays we don't stay, I think
most holidays, I think now we'rekind of every other but like
this year we're not going to behere and I'm perfectly happy
with that.
Like we're going skiing.
The kids are excited, we'reexcited to go do that.
It's somewhere we'd go ski.
We went skiing with Max all ouryears, and so I think that I
(15:33):
look forward to last year wewere home.
If there is something thatpulls you, that makes you want
to do something each year, andyou know it.
You know whether or not youwant to be here or not, or
whether you really want todecorate or you don't want to
decorate, or you know.
And I did change up all of ourlike, how, like, how I do the
tree is different than how Iused to do the tree Like it's,
(15:54):
it's just yeah, I love hearingthat you give yourself
permission to to.
Speaker 1 (16:04):
I think I don't know about y'all, but when we've
talked with different moms,especially in those early years,
I think we often feel so muchguilt of if we don't do it this
certain way, or just differentexpectations from other family
members too.
And I love hearing that youknow, you give yourself space,
like I'm not going to be in Romethis year or you know, okay, we
(16:25):
did did it this year, but let's, let's go somewhere else.
Speaker 3 (16:29):
I love that, the kids being older now too, like a big
thing, I think.
Now, too, I mean that they areolder.
It's like let's do a trip, likelet's like.
You know, two years ago we wenton a cruise together which we
had a fantastic time.
You know what I mean.
Like yeah.
And to me, now that they'reolder too, I feel like you know.
I mean, yeah, I can get you abunch of gifts, but us going on
(16:51):
a vacation together at this timeof year, you know, aren't we
all getting more out of that?
You know what I mean.
Speaker 1 (16:57):
Like, yeah, yeah well , that's just, that's what we
all crave with our kids.
Is that time right, what giftsthey got or we gave we just, I
mean, that's that's what we lookback on.
Yeah, right, absolutely yeah,for sure you nailed it.
Speaker 2 (17:15):
I mean I'm about to cry because that's it yeah.
Speaker 3 (17:20):
You just want to be alone.
Speaker 2 (17:22):
The biggest gift that I could get right now is just
time with my kids.
Well, and that's what?
Speaker 3 (17:26):
they don't get either .
It's like when I'm like, yeah,we're going to go, we're going
to skip, which they're excitedabout, but it's like for me it's
so great because it's one weekof the four of us, right, and
we'll see some other family alittle bit.
You know it's, but it's, it'stime we can spend together.
Speaker 2 (17:45):
You can't get that back, you can't.
You know her parents and I makefun of her because, but it's
not really.
But she said you know, it'slike what?
What are you most happy about?
And my papa would say that allmy kids are here together all my
kids are here under one roofall my kids.
You know, one roof when you haveall your kids and that's
something that we'll never haveis all of our kids.
But when we can have all of ourkids, we treasure that now even
(18:10):
more so than ever.
That intentional Raeann, if youpull them away and you take
them and you keep them in acocoon.
Speaker 3 (18:25):
No one else is going to ignore me.
They, they're gonna go to thebasement and hang out with each
other and just be like oh my god, mom's driving me crazy time
with her like two bedroom condowith skis.
Speaker 2 (18:33):
Then y'all you are, you're forced to be together
yeah, you know what?
Speaker 3 (18:36):
we get a two double beds in one room, because they
love that, because they want tocarry it.
So, yeah, yeah, no, no, no.
Speaker 1 (18:44):
Are there things that you can think of Like.
So you know we've talked abouttree and ornaments at home but
out in the world that you had toavoid, like, for example, I
mean, I for sure, like anyChristmas music that came on the
first couple of years, it wasimmediately I had to change
because it would just I'd fallto absolute pieces and I had to
(19:08):
avoid that.
Even going to church was sohard I needed it, but just the
beauty and the memories I had todo church, like in the little
baby crying room because I wasthe baby crying, you know.
But like when you think aboutthose, you know what were some
of the things that you maybeavoided that now you're kind of
(19:29):
starting to do again.
Speaker 4 (19:31):
For me just going, just shopping, like I mean the
just that I don't know.
It was like I was theoverwhelming amount of people
and who am I going to run into?
Speaker 1 (19:44):
And now especially in your community, huh, yes.
Speaker 4 (19:48):
Yes, and you know just the, I don't know, just the
people touching I don't know.
You know what I mean, it's alot.
And this I was.
I would get overstimulated andI would just have to be like, oh
no, I would literally leavebuggies places and I was like,
oh my God, I got to go shopbecause I've got to have tape or
(20:10):
whatever.
So luckily, Amazon has my bestfriend.
Now, Girl, I'm an onlineshopper Instacarter.
Speaker 3 (20:18):
I couldn't stand stores.
After Max, I still really don'tlove going into a store and
running into anyone.
Yeah.
Speaker 4 (20:24):
A little bit better.
Luckily she doesn't like toshop, so I get off the hook with
her.
I don't know, we, just we.
You know we do the Black Fridayshopping stuff and all that and
I love that.
That was so much fun.
But now it's just, it's justnot the same.
And I, what's funny?
I have a great story for that.
Our, my friend Pam, and I wouldalways go, but our rule was you
(20:47):
had to be 16 and you had towear panties because we had boys
to go with us.
So we would make that rule upand then so one time Cole
decided oh, I'm going, so I'llwear panties if you're going to
make me wear panties.
Speaker 3 (21:04):
Oh hilarious.
Speaker 4 (21:05):
But you know, like that we just had those kind of
memories and it's so much.
But he definitely was going togo with us, but I just, I don't
know.
It's just, it's not the same.
But I am slowly getting to dothings that that I hadn't done
before.
But, like you were talkingabout, you have to find your own
(21:27):
thing, and the only way I getthrough it every single year is
Annie.
Everything I do, I'm like well,I'm not ruining Christmas for
her, we're eating this, we'redrinking hot chocolate and we're
watching Elf.
I mean, I am not gonna.
I've got to do those things.
And then I find myself enjoyingit too.
(21:49):
So it just kind of pushes meinto another realm that I didn't
think I could go to.
And then I go a little furtherand a little further.
And, like you said, the ache isstill there.
We'll both, and I'll seeeverybody in the room Brad,
annie, we'll all kind of wanderoff for a minute, but then we
(22:09):
come back to the moment with usthere, and we all treasure that
so much more than before Because, like you said, that's all we
have is time, and we don't knowhow much time.
Speaker 1 (22:22):
What about you, Raeann?
I know you said shopping too,but are there other things that?
Speaker 3 (22:28):
You know something that I would say that you said
shopping too.
But are there other things thatyou know?
Something that I would say thatI noticed this year, and it's
not kind of exactly what youasked, but I get real like
you'll get, like I'll, you know,be driving in the car, you know
, and it gets like this dark andthen the lights start coming on
and I get real like sad likewhere I used to love to take the
kids to drive around and seeall the Christmas lights on it,
and I love them.
(22:48):
I do love them, but but thisyear I noticed it's made me very
like, like, and I keep thinkingof Max, like, like and when,
and the other two kids too, butlike when they were little and
like you know just how much theyloved them and it just it's
just one of those things thatreally stuck out this year for
some reason.
For me was was that and I feellike every year there's
(23:09):
something a little differentthat might hit you and make sure
that the thing that's hittingme is, you know, not a bad thing
, but you know it's it justreally made me like I don't know
if it's nostalgic, sad, I don'tknow, whatever the word is,
just very god.
I wish he was here, you know,and yes, I wish I felt that joy
(23:29):
used to always feel seeing thoselights and stuff, but this year
I just don't see it the sameway, like I don't know yeah, I
have a question for y'all.
Speaker 2 (23:39):
So what's the?
I've been known to buy alecchristmas presents.
Still like to this day and youknow, for example, like I bought
lightsabers because he was, Imean, when he was a kid, he
loved star wars, you know.
So have y'all ever done that?
Speaker 1 (23:56):
yeah, me too.
Jeremy and her always did nerfguns, yeah, this morning, and so
that's become, you know, likeJeremy does it with his brother,
he'll get it for my nephews,like his two sisters are coming,
and that's something we'vetalked about with all their
little kids, and so we've triedto make it like like exactly
(24:20):
what you said, thinking aboutthings that we did with Carter
but that we could all still do,and it's really it's like being
silly, like what's somethingsilly that's you know.
Speaker 2 (24:31):
You know is painful, but it's going to make us laugh,
I'm buying for Alec, eventhough he's not going to get it,
but still, as opposed to melooking at it on the shelf going
, I would have bought that forAlec, right yeah.
I get ornaments still from.
Speaker 3 (24:53):
Max max, though I do still buy ornaments, like you
know.
By the case, we need any moreornaments, right?
But, right, definitely when Isee something that either
reminds me of him or just haswell, reminds me of him in one
way or another.
Yeah, um, I definitely have alot of ornaments on the tree
that are still for him each year, so that's kind of, I guess, my
present in that way, but yeah,what?
Speaker 1 (25:17):
this is kind of maybe one of our last questions, but
is so when you get in, thatyou're driving, raeann, and you
get really sad and I know,brandy, you've talked about
taking walks that that's yourplace to get away.
So when we're, whether you're,you know out where you're going
to be, skiing or at the beach,or at home.
What's, what is the kind ofyour space, what's the thing
(25:40):
that you have to go do thathelps you refuel.
Speaker 3 (25:45):
For me sometimes.
I mean I I've actually said thisrecently to some folks just I
have to be alone for a while,like I've gotten very used to
being alone in a lot of wayssince Max, and I like that time
by myself, whether it's piddlingin my bedroom or, you know,
whatever it might be, it reallyit's just I can't.
(26:06):
It's not having that interaction, so it's just quiet time, I
guess you would call it in someways and that kind of recharges
me, you know.
You know, like we had my momfor an entire week at
Thanksgiving, which but a wholeweek was just I could tell by
like day three or four.
It's like I'm just using losingfuel, like because it's
(26:27):
somebody in the house besides usthat you know you're just
interacting with and doing stuffwith, and it's harder just to
go off and like, right, go, letyourself refuel somewhere.
I do notice that they're likethat's what I need to do and
like, note to self, you know,next time you have a guest
that's here for a life, you needto just say I need some time
because I got to just take thattime alone to just refuel it.
(26:53):
However, that is.
Speaker 1 (26:55):
Yeah, in fact, one of the first times I traveled to
one of my girlfriend's Debbie'shouse in Denver, I mean, I would
just tell her, like I'm goingto have to nap maybe twice
during the day in order for meto keep going, and so she got
darkening curtains before I camebecause she knew okay, well,
you know, that's what she's gotto do.
She's got to go take her napand then get up and I'll regroup
(27:18):
, and so forth.
Speaker 2 (27:19):
I want to be her friend.
Can she be my friend?
Speaker 1 (27:22):
I know Everybody needs a Debbie.
What do you do, Brandy?
Speaker 4 (27:32):
I'm more of.
I'm a movement kind of girl.
I have to be moving and youknow, in the job that I'm in,
and you know this, being ateacher like we're in constant
demand and so I go from beingdemanded upon at work to being
I'm always needed 24, seven so,but I like to exercise and I
have to move.
So movement I'll go walk bymyself, sometimes I'll just go
(27:52):
work out at my workout place.
I don't know what that is.
I'm sure there's some kind ofendorphin situation going on,
but it really resets me, itrecharges me.
I don't know, I don't know whatit is that I'm not a workout
like thing, I mean that's, Idon't know how to clear your
head and you're in your ownthoughts for that time, without
(28:16):
other.
Yes.
Speaker 3 (28:18):
It's like I'll just get up and walk on my treadmill,
or the same thing, and it'slike you're just, it's just,
it's like for you to be in yourown head.
I feel like Definitely.
Speaker 4 (28:26):
We have to be on all the time, and especially during
this time of the year, I feellike I'm even more in tune with
the needs of my family Because Iknow they're going, I don't
know.
I just feel like, as mothers,that's just what we do we're
trying to meet their needs aswell, and then sometimes ours
get neglected their needs aswell, and then sometimes ours
(28:50):
get neglected, so we get grouchyor whatever and snappy because
we're not taking care ofourselves, and so that's one of
the big things that I do, andyou know, and I learned to say
no real quick.
I had to say that is one thing.
If I had to give anybody anyadvice about any holiday, it was
learn to tell people I'm notdoing this.
I'm going to be the ice andcups and plates girl this year.
Speaker 3 (29:12):
Like I'm not that girl and learn to say no thanks,
just that's all you have to say.
Speaker 4 (29:18):
No thanks, no explanation, just no thanks, yep
, and that's that is huge.
And it was hard for me to dobecause, you know, I came from a
divorced family and we raneverywhere during the holidays.
There was never a second duringthe holidays I wouldn't run in
somewhere.
So I've always been cued to dothat, and so what I need is the
(29:39):
opposite of what I've alwaysdone, and so I've learned to say
you know what I'm not doingthat or whatever so yeah, no
thanks, yes, thank you.
Speaker 1 (29:50):
Well, you guys, thank you so much for sharing I think
.
Well, I know, just for me it'sjust helpful to hear, and other
moms and how we work throughthis gosh.
Just really beautiful time ofyear and really really, really
sad time of year, and you alljust helped remind me of giving
(30:13):
that space to ourselves.
And it's okay if you can't beat home and it's also okay to
give yourself that time awayfrom everybody else.
So thank you so much forsharing.
I know it's not easy, but welove it, thank you.
Speaker 3 (30:29):
Thanks for having us on.
We love everything you guys do.
Speaker 2 (30:32):
It's great Thank you all for being our friends.
We love so many people.
That was awesome.
Speaker 3 (30:36):
So many moms, so it's wonderful.
Speaker 4 (30:38):
Yeah, I was always listening for somebody to tell
me you know what to do.
Somebody tell me that what I'mdoing is normal.
So anytime I listen to apodcast, I'm like, hey, there is
somebody like me.
Speaker 3 (30:49):
Yeah, exactly Because it's okay that this is the way
I'm thinking in my head Becausethere's no right answers in this
.
It's finding what's your rightanswer.
Speaker 4 (31:00):
Like you said, it's the most lonely time in the
world, but you need somebody.
You need somebody.
That's where you are and youdon't want that, but you need it
.
Does that make sense?
Speaker 2 (31:10):
Unfortunately, I don't know anyone in my circle
that can relate.
That's fortunate, but it'sunfortunate, but it's fortunate.
I'm glad y'all are in ourcircle.
Speaker 1 (31:27):
Thank you again, brandi and Raeann, and next
podcast.
Well, hello and welcome back to Warrior Moms.
I am Michelle Davis.
Speaker 2 (00:07):
And I'm Amy Durham and we are so glad to have y'all
here in December.
I know Another holiday iscoming up.
Speaker 1 (00:14):
Michelle, this is the tough one of our toughest
seasons, most definitely, forsure, and that's what we're here
to talk about today is how dowe get through, you know, the
holiday season and what helps us, what doesn't, what.
How are those?
First?
Speaker 2 (00:32):
Christmases.
Yeah, we have two of ourfriends here.
We have a Brandy Cooey and wealso have Ray and a Groover.
We've had both of them onbefore, but it's really going to
be fun.
I use the term fun, but it'llbe interesting and good to hear
different.
We're all at different yearsand stages in this grief process
(00:55):
and in this holiday process, soit'll be good to hear.
Speaker 1 (01:06):
Let's start out with just say your child's name and
just a little bit about when youlost them and what year you
were in, in terms of whatChristmas yeah, year you were in
this year at Christmas.
Speaker 4 (01:16):
You want to start, Rayanne?
Speaker 3 (01:19):
I can, I can.
So I'm Rayanne Gruber.
Thanks, ladies, for having meback on.
I do love to talk with you guys.
It always puts a smile on myface and my son is Max, and he
passed away in September of 2017.
And so this is actually likeit's crazy, but it's very hard
to believe that this will be oureighth holiday season, so our
(01:42):
eighth Christmas without himbeing here, which just seems so
unreal.
Yeah, to be honest, like I meanwe've had eight.
I mean eight seems like such abig number in a lot of ways you
know it is.
I know, yeah, it's.
It's really kind of bizarre tome.
Speaker 1 (02:01):
It is and I know I don't know I'm right at nine um
rayanne.
I'm carter's mom, michelle, andit's.
Yeah, I mean I say that number,I hear you saying that number
and I immediately am choked upbecause it's yeah, it takes my
breath away.
I'm like yeah, literally yeah,um, so, amy, you're the the next
(02:23):
youngest I.
Speaker 2 (02:24):
Alec passed away in May of 2019.
Speaker 4 (02:28):
So this will be Christmas number six without him
, and then, Brandy she's ourbaby, I am the baby, so, cole,
his accident was in January of2021.
And so this will be our.
We've got three Christmaseswithout him.
(02:49):
I lost track of one at somepoint along the way because I've
been trying to think of what wedid all those ones, but it
actually is kind of a prequel ofwhat I go through in January,
because, you know, for a lot ofpeople't I don't mean this in an
ugly way, but you get a littlebreak in between, a little
(03:11):
breather, but I'm fromThanksgiving to Christmas to
January with the wreck and thenyou know, then you have birthday
.
It's just like back to back toback, so like or is during the
summer.
But you know, the hardest partto me by far is just like you
(03:32):
said.
You start thinking wow, likewhere did the time go and and
how about even?
How was I even able tocelebrate christmas without them
?
Speaker 3 (03:44):
do you agree with you , brand Brandy, about that
season, max dying in September?
I feel like September startsand it's like you have September
and then you go immediatelyinto October, which we always
loved.
Halloween and my daughter'sbirthday is in October, and then
it's Thanksgiving, my birthdayand Christmas, and then the New
Year and then Max's birthday andit's like wow, every Christmas
(04:04):
and then the new year and thenMax's birthday and it's like
it's like this whole.
It's like wow, you just everymonth is something I just got
chills, like every month is likesomething that's just reminding
you that they're not there.
When can I get that breather?
Speaker 1 (04:16):
Right and the wounds are always there, but it just
gets reopened on.
You know, in these particulartimes let's, let's go back as as
much as we can honestlyremember of that.
The first Christmas without, Ican't believe we have all boys
too.
That's so interesting, all ofus.
But tell me about Rianne, aboutthat first.
Speaker 3 (04:41):
Christmas.
Again, I always say I mean, Iremember, but I don't remember.
I know what we did.
I had to think about it, though, and I remember what we landed
up doing is.
I knew I wanted to leave, likeget out of town, and we always
love Seacrest beach, so we had ahouse.
We would always rent it springbreak or over the summer, and I
contacted the um, the owner, and, you know, told her what was
(05:03):
going on, and she was so sweet,they were so incredible about
the whole thing, and we ended upgoing there for basically the
two weeks, that whole break.
My family came for part of it,and one thing my friend did that
lives there I still have it'sthat tree I put up, but she had
sent out I get, I'm going to getchills, I'm gonna start crying.
(05:24):
She sent out like messages tolike friends across Facebook,
and everyone I practically likeknew I don't know how she did it
my friend Janet, she had themall ship with her ornaments, bye
, and then, the first day wewere thereet brought a christmas
(05:44):
tree to the house, and she haddecorated the whole house
outside and inside with you knowstuff, and, and then we she had
this huge basket she brought inthat had all these ornaments
from people I know from all overthe place, from college, high
school, you know, beyond, andthen and we unwrapped, you know,
undid them and put them on thetree and it was really, really
(06:09):
nice.
Now the rest of the two weeks Idon't really remember.
I know we were there, I knowyou know some friends came the
second half and you know we didwhat we did but it was, it was
hard but it.
You know I'm glad we did it theway we did.
It turned out to be the bestescape and every year I still
put up that tree with just Max'sornaments on it and from what
(06:34):
everybody sent us.
Speaker 2 (06:35):
So it's a nice thing I'm going to ask were you angry,
putting ornaments on the treeLike new ornaments on a new tree
?
Speaker 3 (06:43):
No, because it wasn't our house.
I think I wasn't.
You know, janet surprised mewith all that, with the house
outside and the inside of thehouse being decorated.
She borrowed stuff from peopleand people in her town came and
brought stuff for her to use.
So it was just such a kindgesture, you know.
And then, and then to the notesthat came with everything which
(07:05):
I still have, with all theornaments.
But it was just, it was just tome so kind how much people
cared um all lengths of our life, and so it was heartwarming.
Speaker 2 (07:20):
Yeah, it's very heartwarming, very rewarding in
a sense of the love.
Speaker 3 (07:25):
The next year doing our Christmas tree at home was
incredibly difficult like that.
Yeah, I, I wanted to do it forthe other two kids, but it was
really hard.
It was not, it was just hard.
It was hard seeing every, allof our stuff from all those
years.
That was harder.
Yeah for sure.
Speaker 2 (07:45):
The reason I asked?
Because I was angry putting upthe christmas tree, even for a
couple of years into it.
Speaker 3 (07:51):
I was just sure, and that I get, but having it, I
think, at the beach was justdifferent, because I I'd never
seen these and we were sosubmerged in max at that time.
I mean, 99 of my time isconsumed by him now, but at that
time it was like a hundred.
You know what I mean.
It was like he were beingeveryone was beyond.
You know him being oneveryone's brain, so it was just
(08:14):
nice.
But yes, I think it'sdefinitely got it.
Every year is different, Ithink also Christmas stuff.
Speaker 1 (08:22):
Yeah, absolutely Brandy.
What, what, how was that firstChristmas?
I know you said you had toreally think about, like all of
us.
It's like it's such.
Those first two, three yearsare such a fog and you're still
in it.
Speaker 4 (08:39):
Well, I actually have been sitting here in my teacher
way jotting stuff down because,like it's just, it's a foggy
time, but I just could not bringmyself to put up a tree, and my
husband is very old fashionedabout putting up a tree.
We've always had a real, alivetree.
My friend, pam, that y'all know, her family owns a family, ran
(09:02):
Christmas tree farm and we wouldget our Christmas tree there
and so we wouldn't really putours up until probably two weeks
before Christmas.
And also both of my kids playbasketball.
We were never at home duringChristmas but you know, you know
it was just one of our mostfavorite times.
So I just couldn't do it.
So I came home one day from workand some of my friends my
(09:25):
husband actually got anartificial tree I think he got
it from his mom's or somewhereand we actually they had
decorated it in Georgiaornaments, the whole thing in
red and black, and it was justgeneric Georgia, pretty lights
and ornaments and garland.
And then they did my mantle forme and had me a big old glass
(09:47):
of wine ready when I walked inand I just cried and cried
because it was just one of thosethings that I knew had to
happen for Annie, my littleAnnie Well, she's not a little
Annie anymore, but she was.
I knew I had to get that treeup for her, but I just
physically could not do it.
And they did it for me.
(10:08):
They took over for me and madeit happen.
And after it was there it wasjust kind of like a I could
breathe a little bit because itwas a little bit of normal, but
not normal in the house becauseit just looked empty and angry
and everything else, but, yes,depressing.
So I already said I am notstaying in Rome, I'm not doing
(10:32):
it, I cannot do Rome Christmas.
So we packed up and went toPort St Joe, to a house that had
a heated pool and all the funstuff we took.
My sister-in-law and herhusband went and my niece,
carrie, and Carrie and Annie arevery close and my husband and I
and we just I mean, we didlittle gifts every night, girls
(10:54):
and then we came home onChristmas day and just kind of
exchanged gifts there, but Istill, to this day, have not
gotten our ornaments out of theattic, like I can't.
I'm not there yet and I will be.
I feel myself I can do a littlebit more every year, like this
year.
I was looking at my mantle andI was like, do I still like this
(11:14):
?
I don't know, but my husbandmade me leave it because he's
superstitious, and that year wasthe first year Georgia won the
national championship.
Speaker 2 (11:21):
But anyway, it First year Georgia won the national
championship.
Speaker 4 (11:27):
But anyway, it's amazing that you're ever going
to be able to get this stuff out, because that I think we're
stuck with the Georgia treeunless I put up another one.
But we're not those peopleeither that put up like 20 trees
.
We put up one tree and butanyway, but we one of the things
that we do, kind of like Raeannsaid, is we got one of those
trees from it's actually aminiature version of a live tree
and put it at the cemetery andwe told people to bring
(11:50):
ornaments that reminded them ofCole and it is my most favorite
thing.
And it's not fancy.
It's funny, like in theornaments that people bring is
like I.
One year they went on abasketball trip somewhere and
ate at Cracker Barrel and forsome reason Cole decided it was
going to be fun to drink like awhole thing of syrup, syrup,
(12:13):
like they do on Elf, you know.
Speaker 3 (12:17):
Yeah, I could see Max and our boys probably doing
that too.
Speaker 2 (12:20):
Yes, you got spaghetti as we speak right now.
Speaker 4 (12:26):
So I have one of those Cracker Barrel syrup
bottles and there's Sour PatchKid ornaments there's, I mean,
there's everything on there andit's things that reminded them,
yeah, oh, and I love things thatreminded them yeah, oh, and I
love going every year, and everyyear they bring different ones
and put them on there, and wehave solar lights, yeah.
Speaker 1 (12:50):
I love that idea so much.
Speaker 4 (12:53):
It's something we do and it's so much fun.
And you know, I mean there'sall kinds of things on there and
I did not know that they hadall these different kinds of
ornaments.
I think there's a boot I don'tknow what bootlegger is, but I
think there's a boot.
It's a college black marketornament on there somewhere.
(13:14):
But like there's differentthings that reminded them of
coal, like one of our friendstook coal on his first hunting
trip.
So it's like there's antlers,like little an antler ornament,
and it's just.
It just means a lot to me.
When I go up there, andsometimes they leave a note,
sometimes they don't a lot ofpeople write in magic marker on
it and, and so that's a matterof fact, the tree got put up
(13:37):
today and we're going to gotomorrow and put the start, the
ornaments on it and then letpeople come in.
But now what?
Speaker 2 (13:43):
do you do at the end of this season, you know, when
Christmas is over?
Do you box them up and that youjust keep them there, or do you
revisit those every year?
Speaker 4 (13:53):
or box them up, and then I just put those back on
the tree and then we just addmore.
The tree just keeps gettingbigger and bigger.
So you know we're going to havea full-size tree.
Speaker 1 (14:06):
Well, and Randi and Brandi, you guys both said there
were things that you couldn'tdo, whether it was that first
year or second year, and whetheryou got away or, you know, you
were back home that second year,how did you give yourself space
(14:28):
?
Speaker 3 (14:28):
in that like sadness, um, what did you all do?
I don't know, gosh, that's.
That's a good question,michelle Cause.
I mean honestly, I don't evenknow if I'm answering this right
, but I think it's likeobviously, keeping busy.
I don't know what that keeping,but I mean I probably in the
last few years haven't I mean,I'm not a baker, but I think I'm
star baker now A lot of thosekind of like we talk about in
(14:50):
the book.
A lot of habits or things I liketo do now are things that I've
started post-max, that are likeit's to keep me occupied in some
sort of way.
So I would say too, in the lastseveral years I have started
like making different Christmascookies and baking with Lily and
doing different things, like, Ithink, just keeping busy.
(15:10):
And I do think most, mostholidays we don't stay, I think
most holidays, I think now we'rekind of every other but like
this year we're not going to behere and I'm perfectly happy
with that.
Like we're going skiing.
The kids are excited, we'reexcited to go do that.
It's somewhere we'd go ski.
We went skiing with Max all ouryears, and so I think that I
(15:33):
look forward to last year wewere home.
If there is something thatpulls you, that makes you want
to do something each year, andyou know it.
You know whether or not youwant to be here or not, or
whether you really want todecorate or you don't want to
decorate, or you know.
And I did change up all of ourlike, how, like, how I do the
tree is different than how Iused to do the tree Like it's,
(15:54):
it's just yeah, I love hearingthat you give yourself
permission to to.
Speaker 1 (16:04):
I think I don't know about y'all, but when we've
talked with different moms,especially in those early years,
I think we often feel so muchguilt of if we don't do it this
certain way, or just differentexpectations from other family
members too.
And I love hearing that youknow, you give yourself space,
like I'm not going to be in Romethis year or you know, okay, we
(16:25):
did did it this year, but let's, let's go somewhere else.
Speaker 3 (16:29):
I love that, the kids being older now too, like a big
thing, I think.
Now, too, I mean that they areolder.
It's like let's do a trip, likelet's like.
You know, two years ago we wenton a cruise together which we
had a fantastic time.
You know what I mean.
Like yeah.
And to me, now that they'reolder too, I feel like you know.
I mean, yeah, I can get you abunch of gifts, but us going on
(16:51):
a vacation together at this timeof year, you know, aren't we
all getting more out of that?
You know what I mean.
Speaker 1 (16:57):
Like, yeah, yeah well , that's just, that's what we
all crave with our kids.
Is that time right, what giftsthey got or we gave we just, I
mean, that's that's what we lookback on.
Yeah, right, absolutely yeah,for sure you nailed it.
Speaker 2 (17:15):
I mean I'm about to cry because that's it yeah.
Speaker 3 (17:20):
You just want to be alone.
Speaker 2 (17:22):
The biggest gift that I could get right now is just
time with my kids.
Well, and that's what?
Speaker 3 (17:26):
they don't get either .
It's like when I'm like, yeah,we're going to go, we're going
to skip, which they're excitedabout, but it's like for me it's
so great because it's one weekof the four of us, right, and
we'll see some other family alittle bit.
You know it's, but it's, it'stime we can spend together.
Speaker 2 (17:45):
You can't get that back, you can't.
You know her parents and I makefun of her because, but it's
not really.
But she said you know, it'slike what?
What are you most happy about?
And my papa would say that allmy kids are here together all my
kids are here under one roofall my kids.
You know, one roof when you haveall your kids and that's
something that we'll never haveis all of our kids.
But when we can have all of ourkids, we treasure that now even
(18:10):
more so than ever.
That intentional Raeann, if youpull them away and you take
them and you keep them in acocoon.
Speaker 3 (18:25):
No one else is going to ignore me.
They, they're gonna go to thebasement and hang out with each
other and just be like oh my god, mom's driving me crazy time
with her like two bedroom condowith skis.
Speaker 2 (18:33):
Then y'all you are, you're forced to be together
yeah, you know what?
Speaker 3 (18:36):
we get a two double beds in one room, because they
love that, because they want tocarry it.
So, yeah, yeah, no, no, no.
Speaker 1 (18:44):
Are there things that you can think of Like.
So you know we've talked abouttree and ornaments at home but
out in the world that you had toavoid, like, for example, I
mean, I for sure, like anyChristmas music that came on the
first couple of years, it wasimmediately I had to change
because it would just I'd fallto absolute pieces and I had to
(19:08):
avoid that.
Even going to church was sohard I needed it, but just the
beauty and the memories I had todo church, like in the little
baby crying room because I wasthe baby crying, you know.
But like when you think aboutthose, you know what were some
of the things that you maybeavoided that now you're kind of
(19:29):
starting to do again.
Speaker 4 (19:31):
For me just going, just shopping, like I mean the
just that I don't know.
It was like I was theoverwhelming amount of people
and who am I going to run into?
Speaker 1 (19:44):
And now especially in your community, huh, yes.
Speaker 4 (19:48):
Yes, and you know just the, I don't know, just the
people touching I don't know.
You know what I mean, it's alot.
And this I was.
I would get overstimulated andI would just have to be like, oh
no, I would literally leavebuggies places and I was like,
oh my God, I got to go shopbecause I've got to have tape or
(20:10):
whatever.
So luckily, Amazon has my bestfriend.
Now, Girl, I'm an onlineshopper Instacarter.
Speaker 3 (20:18):
I couldn't stand stores.
After Max, I still really don'tlove going into a store and
running into anyone.
Yeah.
Speaker 4 (20:24):
A little bit better.
Luckily she doesn't like toshop, so I get off the hook with
her.
I don't know, we, just we.
You know we do the Black Fridayshopping stuff and all that and
I love that.
That was so much fun.
But now it's just, it's justnot the same.
And I, what's funny?
I have a great story for that.
Our, my friend Pam, and I wouldalways go, but our rule was you
(20:47):
had to be 16 and you had towear panties because we had boys
to go with us.
So we would make that rule upand then so one time Cole
decided oh, I'm going, so I'llwear panties if you're going to
make me wear panties.
Speaker 3 (21:04):
Oh hilarious.
Speaker 4 (21:05):
But you know, like that we just had those kind of
memories and it's so much.
But he definitely was going togo with us, but I just, I don't
know.
It's just, it's not the same.
But I am slowly getting to dothings that that I hadn't done
before.
But, like you were talkingabout, you have to find your own
(21:27):
thing, and the only way I getthrough it every single year is
Annie.
Everything I do, I'm like well,I'm not ruining Christmas for
her, we're eating this, we'redrinking hot chocolate and we're
watching Elf.
I mean, I am not gonna.
I've got to do those things.
And then I find myself enjoyingit too.
(21:49):
So it just kind of pushes meinto another realm that I didn't
think I could go to.
And then I go a little furtherand a little further.
And, like you said, the ache isstill there.
We'll both, and I'll seeeverybody in the room Brad,
annie, we'll all kind of wanderoff for a minute, but then we
(22:09):
come back to the moment with usthere, and we all treasure that
so much more than before Because, like you said, that's all we
have is time, and we don't knowhow much time.
Speaker 1 (22:22):
What about you, Raeann?
I know you said shopping too,but are there other things that?
Speaker 3 (22:28):
You know something that I would say that you said
shopping too.
But are there other things thatyou know?
Something that I would say thatI noticed this year, and it's
not kind of exactly what youasked, but I get real like
you'll get, like I'll, you know,be driving in the car, you know
, and it gets like this dark andthen the lights start coming on
and I get real like sad likewhere I used to love to take the
kids to drive around and seeall the Christmas lights on it,
and I love them.
(22:48):
I do love them, but but thisyear I noticed it's made me very
like, like, and I keep thinkingof Max, like, like and when,
and the other two kids too, butlike when they were little and
like you know just how much theyloved them and it just it's
just one of those things thatreally stuck out this year for
some reason.
For me was was that and I feellike every year there's
(23:09):
something a little differentthat might hit you and make sure
that the thing that's hittingme is, you know, not a bad thing
, but you know it's it justreally made me like I don't know
if it's nostalgic, sad, I don'tknow, whatever the word is,
just very god.
I wish he was here, you know,and yes, I wish I felt that joy
(23:29):
used to always feel seeing thoselights and stuff, but this year
I just don't see it the sameway, like I don't know yeah, I
have a question for y'all.
Speaker 2 (23:39):
So what's the?
I've been known to buy alecchristmas presents.
Still like to this day and youknow, for example, like I bought
lightsabers because he was, Imean, when he was a kid, he
loved star wars, you know.
So have y'all ever done that?
Speaker 1 (23:56):
yeah, me too.
Jeremy and her always did nerfguns, yeah, this morning, and so
that's become, you know, likeJeremy does it with his brother,
he'll get it for my nephews,like his two sisters are coming,
and that's something we'vetalked about with all their
little kids, and so we've triedto make it like like exactly
(24:20):
what you said, thinking aboutthings that we did with Carter
but that we could all still do,and it's really it's like being
silly, like what's somethingsilly that's you know.
Speaker 2 (24:31):
You know is painful, but it's going to make us laugh,
I'm buying for Alec, eventhough he's not going to get it,
but still, as opposed to melooking at it on the shelf going
, I would have bought that forAlec, right yeah.
I get ornaments still from.
Speaker 3 (24:53):
Max max, though I do still buy ornaments, like you
know.
By the case, we need any moreornaments, right?
But, right, definitely when Isee something that either
reminds me of him or just haswell, reminds me of him in one
way or another.
Yeah, um, I definitely have alot of ornaments on the tree
that are still for him each year, so that's kind of, I guess, my
present in that way, but yeah,what?
Speaker 1 (25:17):
this is kind of maybe one of our last questions, but
is so when you get in, thatyou're driving, raeann, and you
get really sad and I know,brandy, you've talked about
taking walks that that's yourplace to get away.
So when we're, whether you're,you know out where you're going
to be, skiing or at the beach,or at home.
What's, what is the kind ofyour space, what's the thing
(25:40):
that you have to go do thathelps you refuel.
Speaker 3 (25:45):
For me sometimes.
I mean I I've actually said thisrecently to some folks just I
have to be alone for a while,like I've gotten very used to
being alone in a lot of wayssince Max, and I like that time
by myself, whether it's piddlingin my bedroom or, you know,
whatever it might be, it reallyit's just I can't.
(26:06):
It's not having that interaction, so it's just quiet time, I
guess you would call it in someways and that kind of recharges
me, you know.
You know, like we had my momfor an entire week at
Thanksgiving, which but a wholeweek was just I could tell by
like day three or four.
It's like I'm just using losingfuel, like because it's
(26:27):
somebody in the house besides usthat you know you're just
interacting with and doing stuffwith, and it's harder just to
go off and like, right, go, letyourself refuel somewhere.
I do notice that they're likethat's what I need to do and
like, note to self, you know,next time you have a guest
that's here for a life, you needto just say I need some time
because I got to just take thattime alone to just refuel it.
(26:53):
However, that is.
Speaker 1 (26:55):
Yeah, in fact, one of the first times I traveled to
one of my girlfriend's Debbie'shouse in Denver, I mean, I would
just tell her, like I'm goingto have to nap maybe twice
during the day in order for meto keep going, and so she got
darkening curtains before I camebecause she knew okay, well,
you know, that's what she's gotto do.
She's got to go take her napand then get up and I'll regroup
(27:18):
, and so forth.
Speaker 2 (27:19):
I want to be her friend.
Can she be my friend?
Speaker 1 (27:22):
I know Everybody needs a Debbie.
What do you do, Brandy?
Speaker 4 (27:32):
I'm more of.
I'm a movement kind of girl.
I have to be moving and youknow, in the job that I'm in,
and you know this, being ateacher like we're in constant
demand and so I go from beingdemanded upon at work to being
I'm always needed 24, seven so,but I like to exercise and I
have to move.
So movement I'll go walk bymyself, sometimes I'll just go
(27:52):
work out at my workout place.
I don't know what that is.
I'm sure there's some kind ofendorphin situation going on,
but it really resets me, itrecharges me.
I don't know, I don't know whatit is that I'm not a workout
like thing, I mean that's, Idon't know how to clear your
head and you're in your ownthoughts for that time, without
(28:16):
other.
Yes.
Speaker 3 (28:18):
It's like I'll just get up and walk on my treadmill,
or the same thing, and it'slike you're just, it's just,
it's like for you to be in yourown head.
I feel like Definitely.
Speaker 4 (28:26):
We have to be on all the time, and especially during
this time of the year, I feellike I'm even more in tune with
the needs of my family Because Iknow they're going, I don't
know.
I just feel like, as mothers,that's just what we do we're
trying to meet their needs aswell, and then sometimes ours
get neglected their needs aswell, and then sometimes ours
(28:50):
get neglected, so we get grouchyor whatever and snappy because
we're not taking care ofourselves, and so that's one of
the big things that I do, andyou know, and I learned to say
no real quick.
I had to say that is one thing.
If I had to give anybody anyadvice about any holiday, it was
learn to tell people I'm notdoing this.
I'm going to be the ice andcups and plates girl this year.
Speaker 3 (29:12):
Like I'm not that girl and learn to say no thanks,
just that's all you have to say.
Speaker 4 (29:18):
No thanks, no explanation, just no thanks, yep
, and that's that is huge.
And it was hard for me to dobecause, you know, I came from a
divorced family and we raneverywhere during the holidays.
There was never a second duringthe holidays I wouldn't run in
somewhere.
So I've always been cued to dothat, and so what I need is the
(29:39):
opposite of what I've alwaysdone, and so I've learned to say
you know what I'm not doingthat or whatever so yeah, no
thanks, yes, thank you.
Speaker 1 (29:50):
Well, you guys, thank you so much for sharing I think
.
Well, I know, just for me it'sjust helpful to hear, and other
moms and how we work throughthis gosh.
Just really beautiful time ofyear and really really, really
sad time of year, and you alljust helped remind me of giving
(30:13):
that space to ourselves.
And it's okay if you can't beat home and it's also okay to
give yourself that time awayfrom everybody else.
So thank you so much forsharing.
I know it's not easy, but welove it, thank you.
Speaker 3 (30:29):
Thanks for having us on.
We love everything you guys do.
Speaker 2 (30:32):
It's great Thank you all for being our friends.
We love so many people.
That was awesome.
Speaker 3 (30:36):
So many moms, so it's wonderful.
Speaker 4 (30:38):
Yeah, I was always listening for somebody to tell
me you know what to do.
Somebody tell me that what I'mdoing is normal.
So anytime I listen to apodcast, I'm like, hey, there is
somebody like me.
Speaker 3 (30:49):
Yeah, exactly Because it's okay that this is the way
I'm thinking in my head Becausethere's no right answers in this
.
It's finding what's your rightanswer.
Speaker 4 (31:00):
Like you said, it's the most lonely time in the
world, but you need somebody.
You need somebody.
That's where you are and youdon't want that, but you need it
.
Does that make sense?
Speaker 2 (31:10):
Unfortunately, I don't know anyone in my circle
that can relate.
That's fortunate, but it'sunfortunate, but it's fortunate.
I'm glad y'all are in ourcircle.
Speaker 1 (31:27):
Thank you again, brandi and Raeann, and next
podcast.
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