January 10, 2024 • 22 mins
Embark on a transformative journey with us as we tackle the enchanting quest of creating magic in our marriages. Imagine a year where every day begins with a shared laugh, a prayer, or a moment that binds; that's the heart of our third season, guiding couples to turn the everyday into extraordinary. We're pulling back the curtain to reveal how intentional goal-setting can lead to profound intimacy and a thriving partnership. By applying the timeless wisdom of 'The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People,' we're mapping a course for couples to start with their happily ever after in mind and work backward, ensuring the steps they take today leave a legacy of love and connection.
This season promises laughter, heartfelt stories, and the kind of advice that sticks with you like your favorite melody. From our own "year of the gift" celebration to the daily rituals that keep the spark alive, we're sharing personal anecdotes and strategies that work. Whether you're looking to deepen your faith together, serve your community, or simply keep the flame of romance burning, join us for a series of conversations that are as enriching as they are entertaining. Don't miss our grand finale, where we'll unveil how to craft an intentional, magical marital journey—a true grand finale for your relationship.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Danny Ray (00:01):
Welcome to 2024.
I cannot believe we are inseason three of we do whatever
it takes.
Kimberly (00:08):
We do whatever it takes.
Danny Ray (00:09):
And, as you know, that is our mantra, that is our
theme.
It has been from year one, whenwe just made decisions to do
whatever it takes to create agreat marriage, to have a
thriving marriage, to put thatmagic in the marriage.
In this year, we want to helpyou to make 2024 the most magic
marriage thing.
(00:30):
Hmm that's not coming out,right, babe, put that together
for me.
Put it together.
What do you?
Kimberly (00:35):
have.
We want it to be a marriagethat thrives, not just survives,
right.
Oh it's good.
Yeah, I like it.
Danny Ray (00:43):
So, yeah, I want to look at how can we make this
year our best, most mad.
It's not coming out yet.
It's going to come out at somepoint.
Kimberly (00:53):
Magical is fine.
You know, here's the thing Ithink, when we, when we first
got married, and certainlybefore that, I had no idea that,
like I just thought, okay, thegoal is to stay married, like
that, that was as far as mygoals went, I didn't understand
that.
Danny Ray (01:12):
You were just like if we're married tomorrow, it's a
good day, All right yeah.
Kimberly (01:16):
Yeah, I knew the importance of that, coming from
a home of divorce.
Danny Ray (01:21):
Yeah, we both came from families of divorce.
Kimberly (01:23):
Yeah, so we knew that much that it had to be a goal to
stay together but that it couldhave that biblically were to
have like a vision for ourmarriage, that is, that there's
a purpose for marriage.
All of that was really new tome at the beginning and we've
(01:46):
had different resources anddifferent people along the way.
Danny Ray (01:49):
kind of devotionals and different books were reading
early on to try to navigatethis thing.
I think I have it.
Yeah, 2024, a year of marriagemagic.
Does that sure your marriagemagic, magic.
I feel like it was working.
Kimberly (02:05):
A year of marriage magic.
Danny Ray (02:07):
All right, all right.
So we have in this season.
We want to take you througheight episodes.
The first is going to be onhaving the end in mind.
This is not a principle that isunique to us, right?
I believe it comes out of sevenhabits of highly effective
people.
And it's something that westarted at least 20 some years
(02:30):
ago.
Kimberly (02:31):
Yeah.
Danny Ray (02:32):
I'm thinking like how do we want to end our marriage?
Like down the road?
What do we want people to sayabout our marriage?
Kimberly (02:38):
Ending it meaning death, not divorce, just to
clarify.
Thank you for clarifying.
Danny Ray (02:43):
Yeah, but having the end in mind is this idea of like
, how you know, as we get older,how are we going to give more?
How are we going to enjoy thetime that we have more?
How are we going to invest inour families?
Well, in our kids, well, and sotoday we want to look at this
from.
So, each one of these episodesI'm going to try to break down.
(03:06):
As you know, I'm a magician.
I've created numerous showsover the years, but how I end
the show is always how I startwith my thinking of like okay,
if I'm going to create a greatshow, how am I going to end it?
Yeah, and so there was a seasonwhere I was doing underwater
escapes and I would thinkthrough you know how, how am I
(03:28):
going to end that?
And I remember coming up withlike, this phrase of like when
you take your last breath wheredo you want to be?
Kimberly (03:35):
And?
Danny Ray (03:36):
and that was like, okay, I could work with that.
And then I had to back into howam I going to open in next week
?
We want to talk about how doyou open every single day,
because how you open changes thetrajectory of that that
particular day and keeps toKim's goal of hey, stay married.
Kimberly (03:57):
If you're married today, stay married.
Danny Ray (04:01):
So well in it then we're going to end with like how
do we create this grand finale?
But let's start with this withending right, and I'll just take
it from a show perspective andthen I'm going to let you take
it and talk about more of a howwe get there, but B from the
(04:21):
psychological, from atherapist's point of view, of
how do you really do thatintentionally.
So again with ending shows, thecurrent way I'm ending a show
is I'm tying all these looseends in the show together.
But that came, you know,through years of like bringing
(04:42):
pieces together.
And then I'm like what if Icreated a whole show where
everything seems like haphazardand chaotic and you know I'm
stumbling and fumbling throughthings and dropping cards, and
then all of a sudden you realizeevery drop, every seemingly you
know failure mistake is allmeant to be, and it's really for
(05:06):
me a beautiful picture of howlife works is we don't
understand all the heartache andthe pain and the struggle, but
as we look back, we can see howthose things have impacted our
lives and have helped us tobecome the people who are
designed to be today, or, formarriage, how it's helped create
that great marriage.
(05:27):
So I could go through countlessother examples of me doing
Russian roulette and beingburied alive and currently
gouging my eye out with ortrying not to gouge my eye out,
but created a device to do that.
You can see that clip on Pennand Teller.
But yeah, there's this idea ofwe have to be intentional about
(05:52):
getting there.
If you're counseling somebodyand they're like, hey, we're
struggling to make it throughtoday, right, how do you help
set that vision and how doesthat vision give us hope?
Kimberly (06:07):
Yeah, having.
I think that you know, hittingthe nail on the head, is that
just having that vision?
and not just floating around ona ship in the middle of the
ocean and hoping that you'll getsomewhere or hoping that it's a
great time.
There has to be preparation,there has to be vision casting
(06:31):
and decision making and all ofthose things.
So I think that could be newinformation for some of our
listeners right there, and inthat we don't want to overwhelm
anybody with oh wow, we have tohave this vision now for our
marriage and we have to do allthese things, and that's not the
(06:52):
point of this or the purpose.
Danny Ray (06:54):
For the guys out there.
I remember I had a men'sconference one time.
The speaker and I don'tremember who it was offhand, but
he's like you know, we hearthese vision statements for
marriage, for our own life, forour business, and he's like I
just try to keep it simple andthis is stuck with me, so maybe
this could be a little bit ofyour vision for 2024, for your
(07:17):
marriage is he's all my vision's, this, don't screw up.
And he's like don't screw up onmy marriage, don't screw up at
work don't screw up with myfriendships, don't screw up with
my kids.
You know, I'm like I like it.
Kimberly (07:30):
I will adopt that.
Danny Ray (07:32):
So it doesn't have to be this complicated vision, but
continue.
I just wanted to throw that outof people like, oh, vision it.
You know it's this complicated.
Sometimes it could be as simpleas like one phrase that becomes
in for us.
We do whatever it takes.
Right has been part of ourvision for our entire marriage
is like let's do whatever ittakes to create that great
(07:54):
marriage.
Kimberly (07:54):
Yeah, which starts with the kind of on the daily,
right, so at the beginning ofthe day.
We're going to talk about thislater, but but how you start the
day matters, the connectionthat you have with each other,
but also the end of the day.
How are you connecting?
Everybody's tired at the end ofthe day, or most people and,
(08:15):
and they've had a lot ofinteractions throughout the day,
maybe at work and how we comeback together, how we end, it
makes a huge difference.
Kind of like you're saying withthe, with a magic show, when
you have the end in mind, thenthe show has a lot, it has a
(08:35):
destination, it has a purpose,right?
Danny Ray (08:37):
Yeah, you know where you're going.
Kimberly (08:39):
So, talking about that and being on the same page we
talk about that a lot If you'reboth on the same page.
This is our vision for ourmarriage and just realizing from
the beginning that marriage hasa purpose and I as believers.
The purpose is to reflectChrist through our marriage and
that means reflecting Christthrough, through the marriage to
(09:03):
to one another.
Right that I reflect Christ toyou and vice versa, that we
reflect Christ to our children,if you have children, that you
reflect Christ to anybody andeverybody that you come in
contact with.
And that's not always easy, butit's still is the purpose and
(09:26):
the game plan right and the goal.
Danny Ray (09:30):
Yeah, I think along those lines with like what
specific purposes do you have inyour marriage?
So yeah reflecting Christ isdefinitely like.
As a follower of Christ, wewanna show his love, show his
grace, show his forgiveness,show the hope that he has.
We wanna be training up ourchildren to love him with all
(09:52):
their heart, mind, soul andstrength.
But if you're to fast forward ayear, five years, 10 years, you
know, pick a number for amoment.
Where do you want your marriageto be?
How do you see yourself, as thehusband or as a wife?
How do you see the connectionthat you have?
(10:14):
Have you increased your prayertime together?
Are you increasing your givingtogether?
Are you increasing your time ofdoing things for the community
or doing events at your church?
What are ways that you'reimpacting the world with your
marriage?
Because your marriage.
(10:34):
people will see it and it'll beso.
When it's seen, do they seeGod's love working in and
through you?
And this is through struggle,through pain.
Nobody gets to be exempt fromfighting or from going through
struggles or pain or suffering,and so we don't get to say, hey,
(10:59):
when I'm not suffering, ourmarriage is gonna look like this
.
No it's in the center of ourmess that we get to shine.
It's not when we have it alltogether.
It's today.
What's it look like to shine?
And when we fast forward a year, two years, five years, 10
years, 20 years, what's ourmarriage going to look like?
(11:21):
And that's, if you could get avision that you want, then you
could start to implement thattoday.
Kimberly (11:29):
Yeah, with baby steps.
And how do we?
Okay, if we want to grow inyour intimacy with each other
and caring for each other moreand just at the end, I wanna be
closer to you.
Right, we wanna feel closer toeach other.
I have an idea that way.
Danny Ray (11:47):
My 50th birthday is coming up.
Kimberly (11:49):
Yeah, it is.
Danny Ray (11:50):
Yeah, and I was reading this morning.
This is you have no idea.
Kimberly (11:54):
I have no idea where this is going now.
I'm scared, Okay.
Danny Ray (11:58):
And they were talking about the benefits of
recalibrating, and then she saidI decided for his birthday.
Kimberly (12:08):
Oh boy.
Danny Ray (12:09):
Yes, to do the year of sex.
What, yeah, she called it theyear of the gift.
Kimberly (12:17):
What book are you reading?
That's enough of that.
Danny Ray (12:19):
I think the book it was an article, but I think she
wrote a book.
Kimberly (12:22):
No, that's enough.
Danny Ray (12:24):
So I don't know.
Kimberly (12:25):
I'm thinking it could be the year of the gift you know
, that's what you're asking forfor your 50th birthday is a
whole year of sex.
Danny Ray (12:32):
Hey, I don't even know how that's possible, but
that's a different discussion.
Kimberly (12:38):
Yeah, let's not go there, but interesting,
interesting.
Danny Ray (12:41):
I'm looking forward to the year of the gift for my
birthday.
Kimberly (12:43):
thank you, All right, we'll be talking about that off
air in a little bit, so we'llhave to figure that one out.
Danny Ray (12:51):
If you see it, pop up on my social the year of the
gift.
You know what's happening.
Oh my goodness.
Kimberly (12:56):
All right, then you're hilarious.
Danny Ray (13:00):
We digress.
I could hope.
Kimberly (13:01):
You can hope?
Yes, you can.
We will have to get on the samepage about that then, Wow all
right, I thought we were on thesame page.
Danny Ray (13:10):
the year of the gift, I mean.
What can be better?
Kimberly (13:13):
This is just brand new information I am processing.
Danny Ray (13:17):
I'll let you process it.
Have you done it?
Kimberly (13:19):
Thank you, okay, we'll discuss later.
Danny Ray (13:23):
All right, so here we go.
So, On that note.
Kimberly (13:26):
On that note, if our goal is to get to know each
other more, you know, so oftenthis is very, very common that
couples, if we don't have thatgoal in mind to get to know each
other more, we just function ata basic level day to day.
We get up, we do the things, wego to work, and if they're
(13:48):
children this is what I wassaying is it happens very often
where the focus just becomesthem, because they are needy,
tiny little humans and so thefocus has to be on them a lot of
the time.
But it does get easier at somepoint, most of the time, and it
means we have to be intentionalabout still spending time
(14:09):
together and knowing each othermore, even during that difficult
time.
And then, because if we don't,that's when the couples look at
each other.
When the children move out,they're 18, they move out and
they look at each other and theygo huh, who are you?
I don't even know who you are.
(14:29):
I don't know who I am because Ionly know myself as a mom, or I
only know myself in this area.
So it is keeping the end inmind.
That was something we knew wedidn't want and we wanted to
make sure that we knew eachother throughout, right?
So, yeah, that's connectingdaily.
Danny Ray (14:51):
That's creating date time.
I mean, we had date time wherewe just, you know, stay at home,
grab a meal, go into thebedroom, watch a show together,
hang out.
Maybe there's a little intimatetime in there, but we call that
alone time with the children.
Huh, we need alone time.
So, right, it's beingintentional about the intimacy,
(15:15):
about communication, and I think, when I think about the end in
mind, you know, as a counselor,one of the number one things
that people come in to youroffice and they're just like our
communication.
It's horrible, right.
And so how do you intentionallysay you know what, in a year,
in five years, ten years, In theend, we want to be
(15:37):
communicating, great.
So how do we start that today?
How do I learn to really seethe other person?
Kimberly (15:44):
How do?
Danny Ray (15:44):
I learn to hear the other person, and those are
things we've talked a lot about,but it's in doing those things
daily.
Yeah, you know, these are thehabits that you create today.
The actions that you do todayimpact a year down the road, ten
years down the road.
Absolutely so.
(16:05):
Another huge one that I wouldsay, as you're looking at
setting these goals for 2024 andmaking it the 2024, a year of
marriage magic.
Kimberly (16:18):
Okay, okay.
Danny Ray (16:19):
Right Is changing the way you think about yourself.
Right One of the things that Ifeel like we're constantly
encouraging people with is theway we think about ourselves
changes how we communicate withothers, so if I constantly tell
you I'm a horrible communicator.
Kimberly (16:41):
I'm the worst communicator.
Danny Ray (16:43):
I've gone to counseling, but there's nothing
that helps.
All I'm going to do is continueto fulfill that belief that I'm
a horrible communicator Insteadof learning to change that
language.
To say I struggle withcommunicating effectively, but
I'm in process and I'm workingon being a better communicator.
Kimberly (17:02):
Today.
Danny Ray (17:03):
I'm a little bit better than I was yesterday.
I'm going to keep working onthat.
Well, you know thoseincremental changes can change
huge that.
And so take an airplane.
Right If you take an airplanefrom New York to San Diego, if
it's off by just one degreeit'll end up about 100 miles off
course in Los Angeles.
(17:25):
Let's say right.
So that one degree of change ina positive way.
So if you're heading in thewrong direction, even if it's
slight, that one degree change,yeah, putting your marriage back
on track and being a hundredmiles closer to your spouse a
hundred miles closer to creatingbetter communication.
(17:47):
But that takes beingintentional today and knowing
where you're going.
Yep.
Kimberly (17:53):
Yep, every step of yeah, of every day.
And yes, we make missteps andyes, there are ruptures, and yes
, there are difficulties andthings that get in the way, but
it's how we repair thoseruptures, it's how we go.
Oh, I messed up there.
Can we try again?
(18:14):
Which can we reset, can we?
Those are the things that getus back on track each moment of
every day.
Danny Ray (18:23):
Yeah, and that's one of those ones with, as you're
thinking through, maybe you'llend up talking to your spouse
today about creating thisrelationship where you have a
goal, a purpose, somethingyou're going after, maybe
creating that mantra, thatvision statement together as a
couple and going like, no matterwhat happens, we're going to
(18:44):
repair those ruptures no matterwhat happens.
We're going to reset, no matterwhat happens.
We're not going to bring up thepast and drag that into the
present.
Yeah, and that's not to ignorethe past.
If there's something you needto address, but once things have
been addressed they've beenforgiven.
There's reconciliation.
There's a point where you haveto go like, okay, that's part of
(19:04):
our history, but our present ismoving forward toward this end
that we both agree like we wantthis in our lives.
Kimberly (19:14):
Yeah, it's going to be a good year and we've got eight
of these episodes in thisseason.
Yeah.
Danny Ray (19:21):
Yeah, so eight episodes.
This is the first.
Next one we're going to look athow do we open and I'm going to
give you ideas from like amagic point of view of like how
crucial the opening is as aperformer and how that
connection piece really changesthe entire show.
But in our marriages we're goingto look at that too is that
(19:43):
opening of how you start everyday, especially over time, we'll
begin to change your marriageand through these episodes we're
going to be going all the wayto this grand finale of how do
we celebrate together daily andhave a marriage.
That is about celebration.
You know, when you think of,you know a show and you have
(20:04):
that standing ovation andthere's that moment where
there's the payoff for all thework you've done.
Kimberly (20:10):
You talk as if I know I have never done a show and
there's never been a payoff,there's never been a standing
ovation.
Danny Ray (20:17):
But in our marriage we're almost 28 years in and
there is payoff for the workthat we've done for the last 27
years.
You know that we get there'stimes of celebration that we
didn't have that first yearwhere we're navigating things
and we're trying to figure outwho we are outside of courtship
and with jobs and with I wasdoing my grad work at the time.
(20:41):
You know, and so you know aboutit from the marriage and the
therapy and you're working withpeople where you get to see
these celebrations, and sothere's there's moments daily
where we could celebrate, butthere's also, I think, a season
of celebration where the hardwork that you've put in output
for us, with the hard work weput in to our marriage while our
(21:06):
kids were in the house.
Now that they're out of thehouse, there's not this getting
know each other, because we putthe work in so that when that
time came and we go back, listento some episodes.
You could see how we kind offumbled through and we're
stumbling into some of thosethings and at the same time it
was like but we love each otherdeeply and we want to be with
each other and now we'reenjoying that time, I would say,
(21:28):
more than more than ever.
Yeah, yeah, for sure.
So that's a little bit aboutwhere we're going.
Thank you for joining us forseason three, episode one.
Super thankful that you'rejoining us and hope you enjoy
and join us for the rest of thisseason.
Welcome to 2024.
I cannot believe we are inseason three of we do whatever
it takes.
Kimberly (00:08):
We do whatever it takes.
Danny Ray (00:09):
And, as you know, that is our mantra, that is our
theme.
It has been from year one, whenwe just made decisions to do
whatever it takes to create agreat marriage, to have a
thriving marriage, to put thatmagic in the marriage.
In this year, we want to helpyou to make 2024 the most magic
marriage thing.
(00:30):
Hmm that's not coming out,right, babe, put that together
for me.
Put it together.
What do you?
Kimberly (00:35):
have.
We want it to be a marriagethat thrives, not just survives,
right.
Oh it's good.
Yeah, I like it.
Danny Ray (00:43):
So, yeah, I want to look at how can we make this
year our best, most mad.
It's not coming out yet.
It's going to come out at somepoint.
Kimberly (00:53):
Magical is fine.
You know, here's the thing Ithink, when we, when we first
got married, and certainlybefore that, I had no idea that,
like I just thought, okay, thegoal is to stay married, like
that, that was as far as mygoals went, I didn't understand
that.
Danny Ray (01:12):
You were just like if we're married tomorrow, it's a
good day, All right yeah.
Kimberly (01:16):
Yeah, I knew the importance of that, coming from
a home of divorce.
Danny Ray (01:21):
Yeah, we both came from families of divorce.
Kimberly (01:23):
Yeah, so we knew that much that it had to be a goal to
stay together but that it couldhave that biblically were to
have like a vision for ourmarriage, that is, that there's
a purpose for marriage.
All of that was really new tome at the beginning and we've
(01:46):
had different resources anddifferent people along the way.
Danny Ray (01:49):
kind of devotionals and different books were reading
early on to try to navigatethis thing.
I think I have it.
Yeah, 2024, a year of marriagemagic.
Does that sure your marriagemagic, magic.
I feel like it was working.
Kimberly (02:05):
A year of marriage magic.
Danny Ray (02:07):
All right, all right.
So we have in this season.
We want to take you througheight episodes.
The first is going to be onhaving the end in mind.
This is not a principle that isunique to us, right?
I believe it comes out of sevenhabits of highly effective
people.
And it's something that westarted at least 20 some years
(02:30):
ago.
Kimberly (02:31):
Yeah.
Danny Ray (02:32):
I'm thinking like how do we want to end our marriage?
Like down the road?
What do we want people to sayabout our marriage?
Kimberly (02:38):
Ending it meaning death, not divorce, just to
clarify.
Thank you for clarifying.
Danny Ray (02:43):
Yeah, but having the end in mind is this idea of like
, how you know, as we get older,how are we going to give more?
How are we going to enjoy thetime that we have more?
How are we going to invest inour families?
Well, in our kids, well, and sotoday we want to look at this
from.
So, each one of these episodesI'm going to try to break down.
(03:06):
As you know, I'm a magician.
I've created numerous showsover the years, but how I end
the show is always how I startwith my thinking of like okay,
if I'm going to create a greatshow, how am I going to end it?
Yeah, and so there was a seasonwhere I was doing underwater
escapes and I would thinkthrough you know how, how am I
(03:28):
going to end that?
And I remember coming up withlike, this phrase of like when
you take your last breath wheredo you want to be?
Kimberly (03:35):
And?
Danny Ray (03:36):
and that was like, okay, I could work with that.
And then I had to back into howam I going to open in next week
?
We want to talk about how doyou open every single day,
because how you open changes thetrajectory of that that
particular day and keeps toKim's goal of hey, stay married.
Kimberly (03:57):
If you're married today, stay married.
Danny Ray (04:01):
So well in it then we're going to end with like how
do we create this grand finale?
But let's start with this withending right, and I'll just take
it from a show perspective andthen I'm going to let you take
it and talk about more of a howwe get there, but B from the
(04:21):
psychological, from atherapist's point of view, of
how do you really do thatintentionally.
So again with ending shows, thecurrent way I'm ending a show
is I'm tying all these looseends in the show together.
But that came, you know,through years of like bringing
(04:42):
pieces together.
And then I'm like what if Icreated a whole show where
everything seems like haphazardand chaotic and you know I'm
stumbling and fumbling throughthings and dropping cards, and
then all of a sudden you realizeevery drop, every seemingly you
know failure mistake is allmeant to be, and it's really for
(05:06):
me a beautiful picture of howlife works is we don't
understand all the heartache andthe pain and the struggle, but
as we look back, we can see howthose things have impacted our
lives and have helped us tobecome the people who are
designed to be today, or, formarriage, how it's helped create
that great marriage.
(05:27):
So I could go through countlessother examples of me doing
Russian roulette and beingburied alive and currently
gouging my eye out with ortrying not to gouge my eye out,
but created a device to do that.
You can see that clip on Pennand Teller.
But yeah, there's this idea ofwe have to be intentional about
(05:52):
getting there.
If you're counseling somebodyand they're like, hey, we're
struggling to make it throughtoday, right, how do you help
set that vision and how doesthat vision give us hope?
Kimberly (06:07):
Yeah, having.
I think that you know, hittingthe nail on the head, is that
just having that vision?
and not just floating around ona ship in the middle of the
ocean and hoping that you'll getsomewhere or hoping that it's a
great time.
There has to be preparation,there has to be vision casting
(06:31):
and decision making and all ofthose things.
So I think that could be newinformation for some of our
listeners right there, and inthat we don't want to overwhelm
anybody with oh wow, we have tohave this vision now for our
marriage and we have to do allthese things, and that's not the
(06:52):
point of this or the purpose.
Danny Ray (06:54):
For the guys out there.
I remember I had a men'sconference one time.
The speaker and I don'tremember who it was offhand, but
he's like you know, we hearthese vision statements for
marriage, for our own life, forour business, and he's like I
just try to keep it simple andthis is stuck with me, so maybe
this could be a little bit ofyour vision for 2024, for your
(07:17):
marriage is he's all my vision's, this, don't screw up.
And he's like don't screw up onmy marriage, don't screw up at
work don't screw up with myfriendships, don't screw up with
my kids.
You know, I'm like I like it.
Kimberly (07:30):
I will adopt that.
Danny Ray (07:32):
So it doesn't have to be this complicated vision, but
continue.
I just wanted to throw that outof people like, oh, vision it.
You know it's this complicated.
Sometimes it could be as simpleas like one phrase that becomes
in for us.
We do whatever it takes.
Right has been part of ourvision for our entire marriage
is like let's do whatever ittakes to create that great
(07:54):
marriage.
Kimberly (07:54):
Yeah, which starts with the kind of on the daily,
right, so at the beginning ofthe day.
We're going to talk about thislater, but but how you start the
day matters, the connectionthat you have with each other,
but also the end of the day.
How are you connecting?
Everybody's tired at the end ofthe day, or most people and,
(08:15):
and they've had a lot ofinteractions throughout the day,
maybe at work and how we comeback together, how we end, it
makes a huge difference.
Kind of like you're saying withthe, with a magic show, when
you have the end in mind, thenthe show has a lot, it has a
(08:35):
destination, it has a purpose,right?
Danny Ray (08:37):
Yeah, you know where you're going.
Kimberly (08:39):
So, talking about that and being on the same page we
talk about that a lot If you'reboth on the same page.
This is our vision for ourmarriage and just realizing from
the beginning that marriage hasa purpose and I as believers.
The purpose is to reflectChrist through our marriage and
that means reflecting Christthrough, through the marriage to
(09:03):
to one another.
Right that I reflect Christ toyou and vice versa, that we
reflect Christ to our children,if you have children, that you
reflect Christ to anybody andeverybody that you come in
contact with.
And that's not always easy, butit's still is the purpose and
(09:26):
the game plan right and the goal.
Danny Ray (09:30):
Yeah, I think along those lines with like what
specific purposes do you have inyour marriage?
So yeah reflecting Christ isdefinitely like.
As a follower of Christ, wewanna show his love, show his
grace, show his forgiveness,show the hope that he has.
We wanna be training up ourchildren to love him with all
(09:52):
their heart, mind, soul andstrength.
But if you're to fast forward ayear, five years, 10 years, you
know, pick a number for amoment.
Where do you want your marriageto be?
How do you see yourself, as thehusband or as a wife?
How do you see the connectionthat you have?
(10:14):
Have you increased your prayertime together?
Are you increasing your givingtogether?
Are you increasing your time ofdoing things for the community
or doing events at your church?
What are ways that you'reimpacting the world with your
marriage?
Because your marriage.
(10:34):
people will see it and it'll beso.
When it's seen, do they seeGod's love working in and
through you?
And this is through struggle,through pain.
Nobody gets to be exempt fromfighting or from going through
struggles or pain or suffering,and so we don't get to say, hey,
(10:59):
when I'm not suffering, ourmarriage is gonna look like this
.
No it's in the center of ourmess that we get to shine.
It's not when we have it alltogether.
It's today.
What's it look like to shine?
And when we fast forward a year, two years, five years, 10
years, 20 years, what's ourmarriage going to look like?
(11:21):
And that's, if you could get avision that you want, then you
could start to implement thattoday.
Kimberly (11:29):
Yeah, with baby steps.
And how do we?
Okay, if we want to grow inyour intimacy with each other
and caring for each other moreand just at the end, I wanna be
closer to you.
Right, we wanna feel closer toeach other.
I have an idea that way.
Danny Ray (11:47):
My 50th birthday is coming up.
Kimberly (11:49):
Yeah, it is.
Danny Ray (11:50):
Yeah, and I was reading this morning.
This is you have no idea.
Kimberly (11:54):
I have no idea where this is going now.
I'm scared, Okay.
Danny Ray (11:58):
And they were talking about the benefits of
recalibrating, and then she saidI decided for his birthday.
Kimberly (12:08):
Oh boy.
Danny Ray (12:09):
Yes, to do the year of sex.
What, yeah, she called it theyear of the gift.
Kimberly (12:17):
What book are you reading?
That's enough of that.
Danny Ray (12:19):
I think the book it was an article, but I think she
wrote a book.
Kimberly (12:22):
No, that's enough.
Danny Ray (12:24):
So I don't know.
Kimberly (12:25):
I'm thinking it could be the year of the gift you know
, that's what you're asking forfor your 50th birthday is a
whole year of sex.
Danny Ray (12:32):
Hey, I don't even know how that's possible, but
that's a different discussion.
Kimberly (12:38):
Yeah, let's not go there, but interesting,
interesting.
Danny Ray (12:41):
I'm looking forward to the year of the gift for my
birthday.
Kimberly (12:43):
thank you, All right, we'll be talking about that off
air in a little bit, so we'llhave to figure that one out.
Danny Ray (12:51):
If you see it, pop up on my social the year of the
gift.
You know what's happening.
Oh my goodness.
Kimberly (12:56):
All right, then you're hilarious.
Danny Ray (13:00):
We digress.
I could hope.
Kimberly (13:01):
You can hope?
Yes, you can.
We will have to get on the samepage about that then, Wow all
right, I thought we were on thesame page.
Danny Ray (13:10):
the year of the gift, I mean.
What can be better?
Kimberly (13:13):
This is just brand new information I am processing.
Danny Ray (13:17):
I'll let you process it.
Have you done it?
Kimberly (13:19):
Thank you, okay, we'll discuss later.
Danny Ray (13:23):
All right, so here we go.
So, On that note.
Kimberly (13:26):
On that note, if our goal is to get to know each
other more, you know, so oftenthis is very, very common that
couples, if we don't have thatgoal in mind to get to know each
other more, we just function ata basic level day to day.
We get up, we do the things, wego to work, and if they're
(13:48):
children this is what I wassaying is it happens very often
where the focus just becomesthem, because they are needy,
tiny little humans and so thefocus has to be on them a lot of
the time.
But it does get easier at somepoint, most of the time, and it
means we have to be intentionalabout still spending time
(14:09):
together and knowing each othermore, even during that difficult
time.
And then, because if we don't,that's when the couples look at
each other.
When the children move out,they're 18, they move out and
they look at each other and theygo huh, who are you?
I don't even know who you are.
(14:29):
I don't know who I am because Ionly know myself as a mom, or I
only know myself in this area.
So it is keeping the end inmind.
That was something we knew wedidn't want and we wanted to
make sure that we knew eachother throughout, right?
So, yeah, that's connectingdaily.
Danny Ray (14:51):
That's creating date time.
I mean, we had date time wherewe just, you know, stay at home,
grab a meal, go into thebedroom, watch a show together,
hang out.
Maybe there's a little intimatetime in there, but we call that
alone time with the children.
Huh, we need alone time.
So, right, it's beingintentional about the intimacy,
(15:15):
about communication, and I think, when I think about the end in
mind, you know, as a counselor,one of the number one things
that people come in to youroffice and they're just like our
communication.
It's horrible, right.
And so how do you intentionallysay you know what, in a year,
in five years, ten years, In theend, we want to be
(15:37):
communicating, great.
So how do we start that today?
How do I learn to really seethe other person?
Kimberly (15:44):
How do?
Danny Ray (15:44):
I learn to hear the other person, and those are
things we've talked a lot about,but it's in doing those things
daily.
Yeah, you know, these are thehabits that you create today.
The actions that you do todayimpact a year down the road, ten
years down the road.
Absolutely so.
(16:05):
Another huge one that I wouldsay, as you're looking at
setting these goals for 2024 andmaking it the 2024, a year of
marriage magic.
Kimberly (16:18):
Okay, okay.
Danny Ray (16:19):
Right Is changing the way you think about yourself.
Right One of the things that Ifeel like we're constantly
encouraging people with is theway we think about ourselves
changes how we communicate withothers, so if I constantly tell
you I'm a horrible communicator.
Kimberly (16:41):
I'm the worst communicator.
Danny Ray (16:43):
I've gone to counseling, but there's nothing
that helps.
All I'm going to do is continueto fulfill that belief that I'm
a horrible communicator Insteadof learning to change that
language.
To say I struggle withcommunicating effectively, but
I'm in process and I'm workingon being a better communicator.
Kimberly (17:02):
Today.
Danny Ray (17:03):
I'm a little bit better than I was yesterday.
I'm going to keep working onthat.
Well, you know thoseincremental changes can change
huge that.
And so take an airplane.
Right If you take an airplanefrom New York to San Diego, if
it's off by just one degreeit'll end up about 100 miles off
course in Los Angeles.
(17:25):
Let's say right.
So that one degree of change ina positive way.
So if you're heading in thewrong direction, even if it's
slight, that one degree change,yeah, putting your marriage back
on track and being a hundredmiles closer to your spouse a
hundred miles closer to creatingbetter communication.
(17:47):
But that takes beingintentional today and knowing
where you're going.
Yep.
Kimberly (17:53):
Yep, every step of yeah, of every day.
And yes, we make missteps andyes, there are ruptures, and yes
, there are difficulties andthings that get in the way, but
it's how we repair thoseruptures, it's how we go.
Oh, I messed up there.
Can we try again?
(18:14):
Which can we reset, can we?
Those are the things that getus back on track each moment of
every day.
Danny Ray (18:23):
Yeah, and that's one of those ones with, as you're
thinking through, maybe you'llend up talking to your spouse
today about creating thisrelationship where you have a
goal, a purpose, somethingyou're going after, maybe
creating that mantra, thatvision statement together as a
couple and going like, no matterwhat happens, we're going to
(18:44):
repair those ruptures no matterwhat happens.
We're going to reset, no matterwhat happens.
We're not going to bring up thepast and drag that into the
present.
Yeah, and that's not to ignorethe past.
If there's something you needto address, but once things have
been addressed they've beenforgiven.
There's reconciliation.
There's a point where you haveto go like, okay, that's part of
(19:04):
our history, but our present ismoving forward toward this end
that we both agree like we wantthis in our lives.
Kimberly (19:14):
Yeah, it's going to be a good year and we've got eight
of these episodes in thisseason.
Yeah.
Danny Ray (19:21):
Yeah, so eight episodes.
This is the first.
Next one we're going to look athow do we open and I'm going to
give you ideas from like amagic point of view of like how
crucial the opening is as aperformer and how that
connection piece really changesthe entire show.
But in our marriages we're goingto look at that too is that
(19:43):
opening of how you start everyday, especially over time, we'll
begin to change your marriageand through these episodes we're
going to be going all the wayto this grand finale of how do
we celebrate together daily andhave a marriage.
That is about celebration.
You know, when you think of,you know a show and you have
(20:04):
that standing ovation andthere's that moment where
there's the payoff for all thework you've done.
Kimberly (20:10):
You talk as if I know I have never done a show and
there's never been a payoff,there's never been a standing
ovation.
Danny Ray (20:17):
But in our marriage we're almost 28 years in and
there is payoff for the workthat we've done for the last 27
years.
You know that we get there'stimes of celebration that we
didn't have that first yearwhere we're navigating things
and we're trying to figure outwho we are outside of courtship
and with jobs and with I wasdoing my grad work at the time.
(20:41):
You know, and so you know aboutit from the marriage and the
therapy and you're working withpeople where you get to see
these celebrations, and sothere's there's moments daily
where we could celebrate, butthere's also, I think, a season
of celebration where the hardwork that you've put in output
for us, with the hard work weput in to our marriage while our
(21:06):
kids were in the house.
Now that they're out of thehouse, there's not this getting
know each other, because we putthe work in so that when that
time came and we go back, listento some episodes.
You could see how we kind offumbled through and we're
stumbling into some of thosethings and at the same time it
was like but we love each otherdeeply and we want to be with
each other and now we'reenjoying that time, I would say,
(21:28):
more than more than ever.
Yeah, yeah, for sure.
So that's a little bit aboutwhere we're going.
Thank you for joining us forseason three, episode one.
Super thankful that you'rejoining us and hope you enjoy
and join us for the rest of thisseason.
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