February 15, 2024 • 22 mins
Imagine finding joy in the smallest things—like the unexpected gift of rhino socks—just because someone remembered you mentioned rhinos once. That's the kind of magic we, Danny Ray, a magician and pastor, and Kimberly, an associate marriage and family therapist, unwrap in our latest chat. We delve not only into the wonders of magic shows but also into the intimate dance of creating those unforgettable moments in relationships. By weaving intentional actions into the fabric of daily life, we uncover how such moments can lead to profound connections and enduring happiness. Join us for a journey through the art of listening and the delightful impact of acting on those listens, as we share stories that highlight the transformative effect of thoughtful surprises and the importance of being present with your loved one.
As we sit back to reflect on the humor and humanity of our digital companions, we share a heartwarming tale involving a smart speaker that illustrates the laughter we find in our technologically entwined lives. Whether it's taking a pause on a tough day to lie on the carpet and listen to a calming song or embracing the quirks of a digital assistant, we explore how these shared experiences can fortify the bonds of marriage. This episode provides not just a look into the intentional downtime that strengthens a relationship but serves as a reminder of the shared joy and support that comes from truly experiencing life with your partner. So, tune in and let's celebrate the enchantment found in each other's company, and learn how the smallest gestures can be the most significant in nurturing a great marriage.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Danny Ray (00:00):
Well, we are back and we are excited to be with you.
This is Danny Ray.
Kimberly (00:04):
I am a magician and a pastor, and this is I'm Kimberly
and I am an associate marriageand family therapist.
Danny Ray (00:12):
And you're pretty fantastic yeah.
Kimberly (00:15):
I love hearing your stories of therapy and how.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
For the record, I do not giveyou stories of therapy.
That's not fair.
Danny Ray (00:24):
No, like the stories of how you're dropped like
you'll text me, okay, how I.
Yes, I absolutely love my joband.
Kimberly (00:31):
Yes, yes, Because remember everything's
confidential.
I do not share this stuff withyou.
Danny Ray (00:36):
And that's when you share.
You're referring to yes, I'msaying you share stories like it
was.
Kimberly (00:41):
It was a great day, yeah, yeah yeah, very general,
but yes, it is very exciting forboth of us.
I love that.
You love your job, that's.
Danny Ray (00:47):
I'll rephrase it to forget your stories.
Kimberly (00:50):
I love that you love your job.
Danny Ray (00:52):
And yeah, just creating moments where you're
helping people to find successin their marriage and their
families in their own journey,and thankful to be on this
journey with you.
Kimberly (01:06):
Yeah, my job is a complete honor to be able to be
sitting with people and whateverthey're going through and you
mentioned just now like specialmoments, and that's actually
what we want to talk about todayare creating special moments
within your marriage, withinyour relationship, and how do we
(01:28):
do that?
We want to talk about all ofthe different times, right?
So there's in the day to day,there's maybe celebrations,
holidays, things like that.
So we want to address Becauseyou have vacations- birthdays,
vacations.
Danny Ray (01:42):
Then just a day or just a moment, and this comes
out as we're looking in thisseries at like a magic show and
how you build a magic show andhow you communicate.
And how you connect and how doyou get to that moment of the
finale.
But one of the things that Itry to do intentionally is like
(02:03):
how do I make somebody's day inthe middle of that?
show, magic show, yeah, okayokay, and but to do that, I have
to think how am I going tocreate this moment?
And I think when we talk aboutmoments, we have two things.
We have rituals that go on,that are part of our daily lives
(02:24):
, that we've talked about, likehow I give you a kiss goodbye.
I'll pray with you when you'releaving whatever those rituals
might be.
But, that's not the same as likereally intentionally trying to
create a special moment.
We're intentionally trying tocreate those rituals of how we
leave how we yeah yeah.
Kimberly (02:43):
I would, of course, push back because I like to.
I'm torn between saying thatthose rituals aren't still
magical moments, because I thinkthey are.
They're intentional.
I guess that's really, andthat's what you're saying in the
magic show, when you'recreating an intentional moment.
(03:05):
So I still think, even if it'sa ritual of kissing me goodbye,
or when I kiss you goodbye, well, that's the same same.
Danny Ray (03:17):
Well, let me give you an idea is there's a difference
.
So when I do a show, it's notlike I'm creating a new show.
Think of a comedian, right,they're not.
When they're on tour, they'renot like every night I'm going
to do an hour-new special, it'sthe same right yeah.
And that's what I would say arethe rituals of my show.
But I'm also looking for thesemoments of surprise.
Kimberly (03:40):
That are unique.
Danny Ray (03:41):
Yeah, and so one of the things I'll do at the Magic
Castle I was performing there onHalloween for like 10 days
because of my Halloween fellLike 10 days.
I think I did over 40 shows.
It was crazy.
And in Hollywood, the MagicCastle's in Hollywood it has
literally like the premiercostumes in the world of people
(04:04):
coming in.
It was nuts.
Kimberly (04:07):
People can buy their costumes from sets, set right,
from TV shows, from whateverPeople talked about.
Danny Ray (04:13):
Like you know, they spent 10 hours on their makeup
that day and had so-and-soartists that did all these
movies.
Kimberly (04:21):
And I'm like wow.
Danny Ray (04:22):
I mean it looks amazing, but I never.
So I'm backstage listening andI can't quite hear what's going
on, but I could tell likethere's a little bit of
frustration.
Well, let me tell you whathappened when I walked out and
then what happened before thatwas going on that I couldn't
have known, but it created thisspecial moment that I wish I
(04:44):
could have this in every show.
So I walk out and everybodyclaps, all that, and I see Jesus
is standing in the back.
You know somebody?
Kimberly (04:56):
dressed up like Jesus.
Danny Ray (04:57):
Nice costume, I see you know, there was this couple
that was like a black and whiteframe in their makeup.
Kimberly (05:04):
Oh, cool when they looked like they were out of a
black and white photo.
Yeah, yeah.
Danny Ray (05:08):
But when I walked out I was like we don't have much
time.
And then I looked at this womanwho was dressed like a bunch of
grapes like had balloons allover her.
Kimberly (05:20):
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Danny Ray (05:21):
And I was like she's gonna pop in the whole audience
like burst into laughter and itcreated this really fun moment
and just created the momentum ofthe show.
What I didn't know washappening is, when she got in,
people had to lean over thepeople to the left and the right
of her because her balloonswere taking up three seats.
Kimberly (05:43):
Oh, not the ideal costume for sitting in little
theater.
She was sweating profusely.
Danny Ray (05:48):
Oh gosh, her boyfriend or husband or whatever
is like opening her outfit upkind of exposing her.
Oh, my goodness, wiping herdown with a cloth, you know and
everybody's like.
Kimberly (06:01):
so when I walked out and said because everybody was
very aware of her already.
Okay, she's gonna pop.
Danny Ray (06:08):
It was what everybody was thinking like please, let
her get out of here, let her pop.
Kimberly (06:14):
That's funny.
Danny Ray (06:15):
So those are like that's a moment in the show that
I try to listen backstage andbe intentional of how can I
create this unique moment?
And it doesn't happen everytime, but it happens a lot
during the show where I try tocreate a unique moment and then
I've tried to bring that intoour marriage as well.
And even yesterday wecelebrated my birthday.
Kimberly (06:38):
We did, and it was a big one.
Danny Ray (06:41):
Big birthday.
You had all these like momentsthroughout the day that you've
heard me talk about for the lastyear, that things that I think
are silly, like I go to thesenice hotels and I'm like, ooh, I
love this pillow.
And then I get home I'm like,oh, this pillow is all right,
you know.
And you're like that shouldn'tbe buy a new pillow.
I'm not gonna buy a new pillow.
(07:02):
I enjoy them when I'm at ahotel.
And you're like, no, buy a newpillow.
I'm like no but you went and youbought me a new one that was
part of your birthday.
Kimberly (07:10):
It was choosing a new one.
Danny Ray (07:12):
So you found all these moments where you were
like I wanna make you feel heardand special, and I did.
But that takes you beingintentional.
It takes you hearing me, and Iknow you talk a lot about that
in counseling that it'ssometimes difficult for the
other person to hear Anythoughts if somebody feels like
(07:33):
they're not hearing them.
So we couldn't even create aspecial moment if we wanted to.
Kimberly (07:38):
Yeah, well, I'll speak into.
For me, being the one that'sprobably not, I don't feel like
a great gift giver.
Danny Ray (07:47):
You did a great job yesterday.
I don't know what you thought.
Kimberly (07:50):
I feel like I nailed it this time, but I don't always
.
Danny Ray (07:52):
Overall, I think you're a great gift giver.
I don't know where you get thatfrom.
Kimberly (07:55):
Well, because I don't feel like I nail it.
I feel like this big oneyesterday, I feel like I did and
you were very appreciative.
Danny Ray (08:02):
You keep saying big, it was my 50th.
She's kidding at that.
Kimberly (08:08):
I think I'm more in denial about the numbers.
This time.
Danny Ray (08:12):
I'm looking forward to the next 50 years with you.
Kimberly (08:14):
Perfect.
I'm glad we didn't put a limiton that.
That's great.
So, yeah, I was moreintentional with this birthday,
thinking, okay, how do I makeyou feel special?
But I think, yeah, doing thingsfor you that I don't usually do
.
There was a silly one where Idon't know, even just this last
(08:39):
week, where we were just talkingand you said something about
liking rhinos, rhinoceros and Iwas like what you have never,
once, ever talked aboutrhinoceros.
We've gone to a zoo.
Danny Ray (08:49):
I'm sure you could just say rhino, you don't have
to say rhinoceros.
Kimberly (08:54):
Rhino sounds weird yeah.
Danny Ray (08:57):
I like rhinos.
Kimberly (08:58):
Okay, so you like rhinos?
I never knew this.
And to the point that that isfunny to me that we've been
married, what 27?
Years yeah how do I not knowthat that's really weird.
Danny Ray (09:10):
Are you sure you're writing a rhino?
No, that's ridiculous.
See if we could get one.
Kimberly (09:15):
No, no, thanks, I'm getting a mini cow before you
get a rhino.
But anyway, we digress.
So he mentioned wanting.
You mentioned wanting a rhino,not wanting, just that you liked
them.
Sorry, you did not mention thatyou wanted one, you just said
that you liked them and I wasvery surprised.
Danny Ray (09:31):
I was officially said I would like one.
Oh great, no, you're notgetting it.
Kimberly (09:34):
I want a baby one, You're not getting it Anyway.
So I thought, okay, that'sfunny.
And I did push further, likereally I've never known this,
that's bizarre.
And he's like no, really I do.
So I like rhinos.
Okay, fine, so praise God forAmazon.
I did go and find some rhinosocks and then surprised you.
Danny Ray (09:53):
I will be wearing my rhino socks.
I could not find them, but youtold me where they are, so they
will be on, okay, and I will be.
Kimberly (10:00):
So and you liked that.
That was a surprise andactually I think your reaction
to me was oh wow, like you heardme and it really was this
moment that I was like dang it,that kind of feels like, oh well
, I don't hear you all the time,um, but I'm really glad that I
(10:20):
did in that moment.
So it was a fun.
Yeah, rhino moment, but uh,yeah.
Danny Ray (10:31):
And uh, thank you for the rhinos, um, yes, so
creating these special momentslike think about it, rhino socks
, um, it's, it's not like, oh,this is, you know, the the
perfect idea for the.
It's just the.
The fact that I felt heard ummakes you know, makes me feel
loved, and I think learning tohear your spouse, um, and be
(10:55):
able to honor them by doingsomething for them in in the
fact that I know you not onlyheard, but you had to be
thinking about all these thingssometimes, just knowing you're
being thought of you know, makesyou feel loved, and so I think,
creating these special moments,it's not like it's.
It's not about the money, it'snot about um, oh, we have to um
(11:17):
spend sometimes.
It's just, you know, we we'vetalked about writing notes to
each other.
Kimberly (11:24):
Um, yeah.
Danny Ray (11:25):
Post it.
No, it's um.
I found um a letter, um in myBible last week that that you
wrote to me, and it fell out andand I read it again Um, I
continually find notes in my carthat you've written to me over
the years that I'll tuck indifferent places.
I'm like, oh, look at that, andand.
So I think it's trying tocreate moments.
(11:46):
They don't have to be over thetop, even though I think there's
times to have an over the topmoment, but I think it's being
intentional with simple,ordinary things, that it's like
you know what I'm going tosurprise my, my wife, um, in my
case, with with lunch, and Ishowed up a couple of weeks ago
and surprised you, yeah, thislast week, yeah, yeah, you've
(12:07):
done that for me numerous timesand I think it's these creating
these special moments that kindof keeps momentum going in the
marriage.
Like.
We've talked a lot about datenights and being intentional
with that, but these are momentsthat we do just all the time,
from a sticky note to a loveletter, to um, buying each other
(12:30):
like a, a gift that might costa dollar, you know like it's not
.
Even sometimes like a dollargift.
You know, a pen, you will hearme, you know like ah, this pen's
not working.
And then the next thing, I knowI have a new set of pens on my
desk.
You know, it's just findingthose special moments to create
(12:50):
for one another.
Kimberly (12:51):
I think one that sounds somewhat silly because
I'm still working on it is Idon't feel like I nail it with
your restaurant orders, or youknow, fast food order, kind of.
Danny Ray (13:03):
Thing where you did yesterday.
You got my Starbucks order.
I did get your Starbucks, yourfree birthday one.
Kimberly (13:09):
Yeah, I finally, after all these years, got your
favorite drink down, but not somuch on the food.
Sometimes I choose and I'mstuck there for a while and
going I don't know what do you?
Danny Ray (13:21):
want no cherries, no pickles.
What's hard can it be?
Kimberly (13:24):
No cherries, no pickles.
This is true.
I do know that part.
Danny Ray (13:28):
How do you know that I don't like cherries?
Kimberly (13:31):
Because you gave it back to the lady at the
drive-through window.
She shouldn't have put a cherryon there.
That was one of the funniestthings I've ever seen.
You don't give things back offof your food and hand it back to
them.
Danny Ray (13:44):
It was pre-COVID.
You could still hand you knowstuff back.
Kimberly (13:47):
It still was inappropriate, it doesn't matter
, so I would hand a pickles backto you.
Danny Ray (13:51):
You probably I don't need those.
Kimberly (13:55):
But I do like getting it right.
So it does make me happy when Ifigure it out and I go okay, I
did that right, he liked that.
So it kind of goes both ways.
You feel heard and it mattersto you, but it's also mattering
to me these days that I get itright.
Danny Ray (14:17):
So Let me ask you this, like somebody that might
be listening, that might be alittle bit more like you, that
isn't as spontaneous like I canbe.
Kimberly (14:26):
A little bit more spontaneous than you.
Danny Ray (14:28):
Spontaneous.
What do you do with that sideof it, like they want to do you
know these things, but orsomebody that is, and you're not
ready for it.
It's like, hey, I'm going topick you up for lunch.
I wish you would have told meyou know.
Kimberly (14:44):
Okay, yeah, yeah.
So that can be both sides ofthat for me.
So Because?
Danny Ray (14:49):
it'd be discouraging on my side like, hey, I want to
do that surprise for you.
Kimberly (14:52):
That's a good point.
If you want to do surprises forsomebody, you have to make sure
you're not doing it because youlove surprises, right?
If it's truly for the otherperson, then you need to make
sure that they're going to enjoythat as a surprise.
So you and I have learned thereare certain things that I'm
okay with you.
Surprising me Cleaningsomething is a fabulous surprise
(15:14):
.
I will never be upset by that.
Danny Ray (15:17):
So should I tell you that I've cleaned something?
Cause I kind of feel like if Iclean something, I want you to
walk through, you know, thefront door and just like, whoa
like, but that doesn't happen.
I'm like, when's she going tonotice?
Kimberly (15:29):
Most of the time I notice.
But yes, I'm perfectly finewith you announcing hey, I
cleaned this today, and then Ican say thank you and I'm okay
with that.
Danny Ray (15:40):
Maybe not everybody, but then am I just cleaning it
to do it for you, or should Iclean it just because I want to?
I don't have a want to.
Kimberly (15:48):
I was gonna say I don't think that's a thing.
So, surprises, make sure you'redoing it for the other person,
not just because you like thesurprise.
I think that's a big part of it, so be mindful of that how
they're going to receive it.
Danny Ray (16:02):
That seems a lot like love languages Can you speak
into that a little bit.
Kimberly (16:07):
Yeah.
So if it's a gift that you know, if love language, if
somebody's love language isreceiving gifts, then great,
that might be something they aretotally thrilled with,
something you know, beingsurprised and okay, you know,
and a gift shows up at theiroffice or whatever, but somebody
(16:28):
, sometimes we demonstrate ourlove language instead of
realizing what the other person,what their love language is.
Right, so you might likereceiving gifts, so that makes
you maybe more attentive togiving gifts, but that might not
(16:50):
be speaking the other person'slove language, right?
So if you're the gift giver andyou really enjoy that, you
still have to be mindful of okay.
Is this gonna embarrass them ifI send this gift to their work?
Is this appropriate for that?
Are they gonna enjoy thesurprise?
or would they rather bepractical and choose the gift
together and right, so we justhave to be yeah, I think the
(17:12):
question to ask each other iswhat makes you feel the most
heard and the most loved?
Danny Ray (17:20):
Is that surprise showing more love, or the
thought that went behind it andtelling like I'll take not that
we go to Disneyland all the time, but I know 100% now that you
would rather know we're going toDisneyland and plan and think
and get not costumes ready butoutfits ready.
(17:42):
You know all that type of stuff.
You wanna think and plan anddream about it where it would be
totally fine with me if I justwoke up one day and you're like,
hey, we're going to Disneyland.
Kimberly (17:53):
What that's awesome.
Danny Ray (17:54):
Like it would be the same amount of thinking that
goes into it.
Kimberly (17:58):
For me, a month before I wouldn't think anymore.
Danny Ray (18:02):
I wouldn't go like.
What am I going to wear?
What am I going to do?
There's going to be zerothought in that month about
what's going to happen on thatday.
That's true.
So I love that surprise.
But knowing you, you love thedream.
Kimberly (18:14):
Part of the yeah, part of the planning is the fun of
that surprise.
So, yeah, the surprise for mewould have to happen sooner,
right?
So all we're saying is justbeing careful and being aware of
what the other person likes,what they prefer, what would be,
because that's going to makethem feel heard and seen right.
(18:36):
So, and that's the point ofthese kind of magical moments
that we're working on Imentioned the trying to get the
food right.
Oh, we did.
It is not easy, y'all, tosurprise a magician.
I don't know if anyone'srealized that, but we did pull
(18:57):
that off for this big birthday.
This last weekend, the kids andtheir significant others came
to the airport and we surprisedyou Not just surprised, I'd say
shocked by the look of your onthe photo.
Danny Ray (19:11):
It's definitely a dream I've had for a long time
to have.
I feel like it's shrap andevery time I get on a plane that
you're all there.
Kimberly (19:18):
It's not realistic, not gonna happen.
Danny Ray (19:19):
That's another way that you heard me and did that
surprise, but I still think Iknow that that means a lot to
you Every time.
Kimberly (19:27):
That is not gonna happen every time.
I know you wish it would andwe've done it maybe once or
twice before, especially whenthe kids were little.
But yeah and that you.
Danny Ray (19:37):
It's been a long time and I really appreciate it.
Kimberly (19:38):
No, okay, okay, yeah.
So the greeting, the surprisingat the airport with a couple
balloons and stuff wasdefinitely fun and not easy to
orchestrate with adult children.
Danny Ray (19:48):
but If you wanna see my surprise face, we will put a
picture on, we do whatever ittakes on the Instagram and you
could see what shock looks likeon my face.
I'll have to work on gettingthat shot on your face.
No, thank you.
No, thank you.
Kimberly (20:03):
I'm perfectly fine, see, and that's the difference,
right, that that would not besomething that would be amazing.
Well, surprise at the airport,yes, but going for a look of
shock on my face, I don't knowthat that's the goal.
Danny Ray (20:16):
I feel like you get pictures where you're surprised
with things and you like itSurprise good.
Kimberly (20:21):
Shocked sounds bad.
I don't know you got to weighin on that one.
Danny Ray (20:25):
Are you thinking shock therapy?
Is that what you're offering topeople today?
No, Shock therapy only $10?
Kimberly (20:30):
No, no, not a thing, not what we're talking about?
Danny Ray (20:33):
I think it was a.
Thing.
Kimberly (20:34):
It was not what we're talking about.
Okay, so making magical momentsand, yeah, if you have
suggestions or things that youdo in your marriage that are,
you know, special andintentional moments that you
know gosh, there are so many butif there are some fun ones that
(20:56):
you do are, you thinking aboutdoing Carpet picnic?
Danny Ray (20:59):
That's exactly what I think.
Kimberly (21:01):
Yeah, I was the carpet picnic, and then I thought, huh
, do I say that, yeah, carpetpicnic is a fun one, that you
know why have dinner at thetable, when I and we used to do
this with the kids sometimes too, and we've done playlist or
mixtapes where we you know gosomewhere and just dance like
nobody's around and hopefullynobody is around.
(21:22):
Well, that would be only insidethe house.
Yeah, yeah, kitchen dancing, Ido like that, but and what's
that song that I'll just layhere and forget about the world?
Danny Ray (21:34):
Snow Patrol yeah.
Kimberly (21:36):
Okay, and we've literally just laid there on the
carpet and gone.
All right, we need a minute andit's a special moment.
I you know it may have beenmore just to calm maybe me down
or you down, I don't remember,but I think we've done that song
a couple times.
We have yeah.
Danny Ray (21:53):
Yeah.
Kimberly (21:53):
When it's a hard day or felt overwhelmed, just.
Danny Ray (21:56):
Alexa play this, you know, and yeah, we'll lay down
and do nothing.
And that's funny because wejust said a somebody's name and
she responded.
Kimberly (22:07):
But I'm not going to say it again the machines are
listening to us.
Danny Ray (22:13):
But that that's it for today.
We hope that you create specialmoments together.
Thank you for listening in.
It means a lot to us and wehope that you do whatever it
takes to create a great marriage.
Well, we are back and we are excited to be with you.
This is Danny Ray.
Kimberly (00:04):
I am a magician and a pastor, and this is I'm Kimberly
and I am an associate marriageand family therapist.
Danny Ray (00:12):
And you're pretty fantastic yeah.
Kimberly (00:15):
I love hearing your stories of therapy and how.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
For the record, I do not giveyou stories of therapy.
That's not fair.
Danny Ray (00:24):
No, like the stories of how you're dropped like
you'll text me, okay, how I.
Yes, I absolutely love my joband.
Kimberly (00:31):
Yes, yes, Because remember everything's
confidential.
I do not share this stuff withyou.
Danny Ray (00:36):
And that's when you share.
You're referring to yes, I'msaying you share stories like it
was.
Kimberly (00:41):
It was a great day, yeah, yeah yeah, very general,
but yes, it is very exciting forboth of us.
I love that.
You love your job, that's.
Danny Ray (00:47):
I'll rephrase it to forget your stories.
Kimberly (00:50):
I love that you love your job.
Danny Ray (00:52):
And yeah, just creating moments where you're
helping people to find successin their marriage and their
families in their own journey,and thankful to be on this
journey with you.
Kimberly (01:06):
Yeah, my job is a complete honor to be able to be
sitting with people and whateverthey're going through and you
mentioned just now like specialmoments, and that's actually
what we want to talk about todayare creating special moments
within your marriage, withinyour relationship, and how do we
(01:28):
do that?
We want to talk about all ofthe different times, right?
So there's in the day to day,there's maybe celebrations,
holidays, things like that.
So we want to address Becauseyou have vacations- birthdays,
vacations.
Danny Ray (01:42):
Then just a day or just a moment, and this comes
out as we're looking in thisseries at like a magic show and
how you build a magic show andhow you communicate.
And how you connect and how doyou get to that moment of the
finale.
But one of the things that Itry to do intentionally is like
(02:03):
how do I make somebody's day inthe middle of that?
show, magic show, yeah, okayokay, and but to do that, I have
to think how am I going tocreate this moment?
And I think when we talk aboutmoments, we have two things.
We have rituals that go on,that are part of our daily lives
(02:24):
, that we've talked about, likehow I give you a kiss goodbye.
I'll pray with you when you'releaving whatever those rituals
might be.
But, that's not the same as likereally intentionally trying to
create a special moment.
We're intentionally trying tocreate those rituals of how we
leave how we yeah yeah.
Kimberly (02:43):
I would, of course, push back because I like to.
I'm torn between saying thatthose rituals aren't still
magical moments, because I thinkthey are.
They're intentional.
I guess that's really, andthat's what you're saying in the
magic show, when you'recreating an intentional moment.
(03:05):
So I still think, even if it'sa ritual of kissing me goodbye,
or when I kiss you goodbye, well, that's the same same.
Danny Ray (03:17):
Well, let me give you an idea is there's a difference
.
So when I do a show, it's notlike I'm creating a new show.
Think of a comedian, right,they're not.
When they're on tour, they'renot like every night I'm going
to do an hour-new special, it'sthe same right yeah.
And that's what I would say arethe rituals of my show.
But I'm also looking for thesemoments of surprise.
Kimberly (03:40):
That are unique.
Danny Ray (03:41):
Yeah, and so one of the things I'll do at the Magic
Castle I was performing there onHalloween for like 10 days
because of my Halloween fellLike 10 days.
I think I did over 40 shows.
It was crazy.
And in Hollywood, the MagicCastle's in Hollywood it has
literally like the premiercostumes in the world of people
(04:04):
coming in.
It was nuts.
Kimberly (04:07):
People can buy their costumes from sets, set right,
from TV shows, from whateverPeople talked about.
Danny Ray (04:13):
Like you know, they spent 10 hours on their makeup
that day and had so-and-soartists that did all these
movies.
Kimberly (04:21):
And I'm like wow.
Danny Ray (04:22):
I mean it looks amazing, but I never.
So I'm backstage listening andI can't quite hear what's going
on, but I could tell likethere's a little bit of
frustration.
Well, let me tell you whathappened when I walked out and
then what happened before thatwas going on that I couldn't
have known, but it created thisspecial moment that I wish I
(04:44):
could have this in every show.
So I walk out and everybodyclaps, all that, and I see Jesus
is standing in the back.
You know somebody?
Kimberly (04:56):
dressed up like Jesus.
Danny Ray (04:57):
Nice costume, I see you know, there was this couple
that was like a black and whiteframe in their makeup.
Kimberly (05:04):
Oh, cool when they looked like they were out of a
black and white photo.
Yeah, yeah.
Danny Ray (05:08):
But when I walked out I was like we don't have much
time.
And then I looked at this womanwho was dressed like a bunch of
grapes like had balloons allover her.
Kimberly (05:20):
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Danny Ray (05:21):
And I was like she's gonna pop in the whole audience
like burst into laughter and itcreated this really fun moment
and just created the momentum ofthe show.
What I didn't know washappening is, when she got in,
people had to lean over thepeople to the left and the right
of her because her balloonswere taking up three seats.
Kimberly (05:43):
Oh, not the ideal costume for sitting in little
theater.
She was sweating profusely.
Danny Ray (05:48):
Oh gosh, her boyfriend or husband or whatever
is like opening her outfit upkind of exposing her.
Oh, my goodness, wiping herdown with a cloth, you know and
everybody's like.
Kimberly (06:01):
so when I walked out and said because everybody was
very aware of her already.
Okay, she's gonna pop.
Danny Ray (06:08):
It was what everybody was thinking like please, let
her get out of here, let her pop.
Kimberly (06:14):
That's funny.
Danny Ray (06:15):
So those are like that's a moment in the show that
I try to listen backstage andbe intentional of how can I
create this unique moment?
And it doesn't happen everytime, but it happens a lot
during the show where I try tocreate a unique moment and then
I've tried to bring that intoour marriage as well.
And even yesterday wecelebrated my birthday.
Kimberly (06:38):
We did, and it was a big one.
Danny Ray (06:41):
Big birthday.
You had all these like momentsthroughout the day that you've
heard me talk about for the lastyear, that things that I think
are silly, like I go to thesenice hotels and I'm like, ooh, I
love this pillow.
And then I get home I'm like,oh, this pillow is all right,
you know.
And you're like that shouldn'tbe buy a new pillow.
I'm not gonna buy a new pillow.
(07:02):
I enjoy them when I'm at ahotel.
And you're like, no, buy a newpillow.
I'm like no but you went and youbought me a new one that was
part of your birthday.
Kimberly (07:10):
It was choosing a new one.
Danny Ray (07:12):
So you found all these moments where you were
like I wanna make you feel heardand special, and I did.
But that takes you beingintentional.
It takes you hearing me, and Iknow you talk a lot about that
in counseling that it'ssometimes difficult for the
other person to hear Anythoughts if somebody feels like
(07:33):
they're not hearing them.
So we couldn't even create aspecial moment if we wanted to.
Kimberly (07:38):
Yeah, well, I'll speak into.
For me, being the one that'sprobably not, I don't feel like
a great gift giver.
Danny Ray (07:47):
You did a great job yesterday.
I don't know what you thought.
Kimberly (07:50):
I feel like I nailed it this time, but I don't always
.
Danny Ray (07:52):
Overall, I think you're a great gift giver.
I don't know where you get thatfrom.
Kimberly (07:55):
Well, because I don't feel like I nail it.
I feel like this big oneyesterday, I feel like I did and
you were very appreciative.
Danny Ray (08:02):
You keep saying big, it was my 50th.
She's kidding at that.
Kimberly (08:08):
I think I'm more in denial about the numbers.
This time.
Danny Ray (08:12):
I'm looking forward to the next 50 years with you.
Kimberly (08:14):
Perfect.
I'm glad we didn't put a limiton that.
That's great.
So, yeah, I was moreintentional with this birthday,
thinking, okay, how do I makeyou feel special?
But I think, yeah, doing thingsfor you that I don't usually do
.
There was a silly one where Idon't know, even just this last
(08:39):
week, where we were just talkingand you said something about
liking rhinos, rhinoceros and Iwas like what you have never,
once, ever talked aboutrhinoceros.
We've gone to a zoo.
Danny Ray (08:49):
I'm sure you could just say rhino, you don't have
to say rhinoceros.
Kimberly (08:54):
Rhino sounds weird yeah.
Danny Ray (08:57):
I like rhinos.
Kimberly (08:58):
Okay, so you like rhinos?
I never knew this.
And to the point that that isfunny to me that we've been
married, what 27?
Years yeah how do I not knowthat that's really weird.
Danny Ray (09:10):
Are you sure you're writing a rhino?
No, that's ridiculous.
See if we could get one.
Kimberly (09:15):
No, no, thanks, I'm getting a mini cow before you
get a rhino.
But anyway, we digress.
So he mentioned wanting.
You mentioned wanting a rhino,not wanting, just that you liked
them.
Sorry, you did not mention thatyou wanted one, you just said
that you liked them and I wasvery surprised.
Danny Ray (09:31):
I was officially said I would like one.
Oh great, no, you're notgetting it.
Kimberly (09:34):
I want a baby one, You're not getting it Anyway.
So I thought, okay, that'sfunny.
And I did push further, likereally I've never known this,
that's bizarre.
And he's like no, really I do.
So I like rhinos.
Okay, fine, so praise God forAmazon.
I did go and find some rhinosocks and then surprised you.
Danny Ray (09:53):
I will be wearing my rhino socks.
I could not find them, but youtold me where they are, so they
will be on, okay, and I will be.
Kimberly (10:00):
So and you liked that.
That was a surprise andactually I think your reaction
to me was oh wow, like you heardme and it really was this
moment that I was like dang it,that kind of feels like, oh well
, I don't hear you all the time,um, but I'm really glad that I
(10:20):
did in that moment.
So it was a fun.
Yeah, rhino moment, but uh,yeah.
Danny Ray (10:31):
And uh, thank you for the rhinos, um, yes, so
creating these special momentslike think about it, rhino socks
, um, it's, it's not like, oh,this is, you know, the the
perfect idea for the.
It's just the.
The fact that I felt heard ummakes you know, makes me feel
loved, and I think learning tohear your spouse, um, and be
(10:55):
able to honor them by doingsomething for them in in the
fact that I know you not onlyheard, but you had to be
thinking about all these thingssometimes, just knowing you're
being thought of you know, makesyou feel loved, and so I think,
creating these special moments,it's not like it's.
It's not about the money, it'snot about um, oh, we have to um
(11:17):
spend sometimes.
It's just, you know, we we'vetalked about writing notes to
each other.
Kimberly (11:24):
Um, yeah.
Danny Ray (11:25):
Post it.
No, it's um.
I found um a letter, um in myBible last week that that you
wrote to me, and it fell out andand I read it again Um, I
continually find notes in my carthat you've written to me over
the years that I'll tuck indifferent places.
I'm like, oh, look at that, andand.
So I think it's trying tocreate moments.
(11:46):
They don't have to be over thetop, even though I think there's
times to have an over the topmoment, but I think it's being
intentional with simple,ordinary things, that it's like
you know what I'm going tosurprise my, my wife, um, in my
case, with with lunch, and Ishowed up a couple of weeks ago
and surprised you, yeah, thislast week, yeah, yeah, you've
(12:07):
done that for me numerous timesand I think it's these creating
these special moments that kindof keeps momentum going in the
marriage.
Like.
We've talked a lot about datenights and being intentional
with that, but these are momentsthat we do just all the time,
from a sticky note to a loveletter, to um, buying each other
(12:30):
like a, a gift that might costa dollar, you know like it's not
.
Even sometimes like a dollargift.
You know, a pen, you will hearme, you know like ah, this pen's
not working.
And then the next thing, I knowI have a new set of pens on my
desk.
You know, it's just findingthose special moments to create
(12:50):
for one another.
Kimberly (12:51):
I think one that sounds somewhat silly because
I'm still working on it is Idon't feel like I nail it with
your restaurant orders, or youknow, fast food order, kind of.
Danny Ray (13:03):
Thing where you did yesterday.
You got my Starbucks order.
I did get your Starbucks, yourfree birthday one.
Kimberly (13:09):
Yeah, I finally, after all these years, got your
favorite drink down, but not somuch on the food.
Sometimes I choose and I'mstuck there for a while and
going I don't know what do you?
Danny Ray (13:21):
want no cherries, no pickles.
What's hard can it be?
Kimberly (13:24):
No cherries, no pickles.
This is true.
I do know that part.
Danny Ray (13:28):
How do you know that I don't like cherries?
Kimberly (13:31):
Because you gave it back to the lady at the
drive-through window.
She shouldn't have put a cherryon there.
That was one of the funniestthings I've ever seen.
You don't give things back offof your food and hand it back to
them.
Danny Ray (13:44):
It was pre-COVID.
You could still hand you knowstuff back.
Kimberly (13:47):
It still was inappropriate, it doesn't matter
, so I would hand a pickles backto you.
Danny Ray (13:51):
You probably I don't need those.
Kimberly (13:55):
But I do like getting it right.
So it does make me happy when Ifigure it out and I go okay, I
did that right, he liked that.
So it kind of goes both ways.
You feel heard and it mattersto you, but it's also mattering
to me these days that I get itright.
Danny Ray (14:17):
So Let me ask you this, like somebody that might
be listening, that might be alittle bit more like you, that
isn't as spontaneous like I canbe.
Kimberly (14:26):
A little bit more spontaneous than you.
Danny Ray (14:28):
Spontaneous.
What do you do with that sideof it, like they want to do you
know these things, but orsomebody that is, and you're not
ready for it.
It's like, hey, I'm going topick you up for lunch.
I wish you would have told meyou know.
Kimberly (14:44):
Okay, yeah, yeah.
So that can be both sides ofthat for me.
So Because?
Danny Ray (14:49):
it'd be discouraging on my side like, hey, I want to
do that surprise for you.
Kimberly (14:52):
That's a good point.
If you want to do surprises forsomebody, you have to make sure
you're not doing it because youlove surprises, right?
If it's truly for the otherperson, then you need to make
sure that they're going to enjoythat as a surprise.
So you and I have learned thereare certain things that I'm
okay with you.
Surprising me Cleaningsomething is a fabulous surprise
(15:14):
.
I will never be upset by that.
Danny Ray (15:17):
So should I tell you that I've cleaned something?
Cause I kind of feel like if Iclean something, I want you to
walk through, you know, thefront door and just like, whoa
like, but that doesn't happen.
I'm like, when's she going tonotice?
Kimberly (15:29):
Most of the time I notice.
But yes, I'm perfectly finewith you announcing hey, I
cleaned this today, and then Ican say thank you and I'm okay
with that.
Danny Ray (15:40):
Maybe not everybody, but then am I just cleaning it
to do it for you, or should Iclean it just because I want to?
I don't have a want to.
Kimberly (15:48):
I was gonna say I don't think that's a thing.
So, surprises, make sure you'redoing it for the other person,
not just because you like thesurprise.
I think that's a big part of it, so be mindful of that how
they're going to receive it.
Danny Ray (16:02):
That seems a lot like love languages Can you speak
into that a little bit.
Kimberly (16:07):
Yeah.
So if it's a gift that you know, if love language, if
somebody's love language isreceiving gifts, then great,
that might be something they aretotally thrilled with,
something you know, beingsurprised and okay, you know,
and a gift shows up at theiroffice or whatever, but somebody
(16:28):
, sometimes we demonstrate ourlove language instead of
realizing what the other person,what their love language is.
Right, so you might likereceiving gifts, so that makes
you maybe more attentive togiving gifts, but that might not
(16:50):
be speaking the other person'slove language, right?
So if you're the gift giver andyou really enjoy that, you
still have to be mindful of okay.
Is this gonna embarrass them ifI send this gift to their work?
Is this appropriate for that?
Are they gonna enjoy thesurprise?
or would they rather bepractical and choose the gift
together and right, so we justhave to be yeah, I think the
(17:12):
question to ask each other iswhat makes you feel the most
heard and the most loved?
Danny Ray (17:20):
Is that surprise showing more love, or the
thought that went behind it andtelling like I'll take not that
we go to Disneyland all the time, but I know 100% now that you
would rather know we're going toDisneyland and plan and think
and get not costumes ready butoutfits ready.
(17:42):
You know all that type of stuff.
You wanna think and plan anddream about it where it would be
totally fine with me if I justwoke up one day and you're like,
hey, we're going to Disneyland.
Kimberly (17:53):
What that's awesome.
Danny Ray (17:54):
Like it would be the same amount of thinking that
goes into it.
Kimberly (17:58):
For me, a month before I wouldn't think anymore.
Danny Ray (18:02):
I wouldn't go like.
What am I going to wear?
What am I going to do?
There's going to be zerothought in that month about
what's going to happen on thatday.
That's true.
So I love that surprise.
But knowing you, you love thedream.
Kimberly (18:14):
Part of the yeah, part of the planning is the fun of
that surprise.
So, yeah, the surprise for mewould have to happen sooner,
right?
So all we're saying is justbeing careful and being aware of
what the other person likes,what they prefer, what would be,
because that's going to makethem feel heard and seen right.
(18:36):
So, and that's the point ofthese kind of magical moments
that we're working on Imentioned the trying to get the
food right.
Oh, we did.
It is not easy, y'all, tosurprise a magician.
I don't know if anyone'srealized that, but we did pull
(18:57):
that off for this big birthday.
This last weekend, the kids andtheir significant others came
to the airport and we surprisedyou Not just surprised, I'd say
shocked by the look of your onthe photo.
Danny Ray (19:11):
It's definitely a dream I've had for a long time
to have.
I feel like it's shrap andevery time I get on a plane that
you're all there.
Kimberly (19:18):
It's not realistic, not gonna happen.
Danny Ray (19:19):
That's another way that you heard me and did that
surprise, but I still think Iknow that that means a lot to
you Every time.
Kimberly (19:27):
That is not gonna happen every time.
I know you wish it would andwe've done it maybe once or
twice before, especially whenthe kids were little.
But yeah and that you.
Danny Ray (19:37):
It's been a long time and I really appreciate it.
Kimberly (19:38):
No, okay, okay, yeah.
So the greeting, the surprisingat the airport with a couple
balloons and stuff wasdefinitely fun and not easy to
orchestrate with adult children.
Danny Ray (19:48):
but If you wanna see my surprise face, we will put a
picture on, we do whatever ittakes on the Instagram and you
could see what shock looks likeon my face.
I'll have to work on gettingthat shot on your face.
No, thank you.
No, thank you.
Kimberly (20:03):
I'm perfectly fine, see, and that's the difference,
right, that that would not besomething that would be amazing.
Well, surprise at the airport,yes, but going for a look of
shock on my face, I don't knowthat that's the goal.
Danny Ray (20:16):
I feel like you get pictures where you're surprised
with things and you like itSurprise good.
Kimberly (20:21):
Shocked sounds bad.
I don't know you got to weighin on that one.
Danny Ray (20:25):
Are you thinking shock therapy?
Is that what you're offering topeople today?
No, Shock therapy only $10?
Kimberly (20:30):
No, no, not a thing, not what we're talking about?
Danny Ray (20:33):
I think it was a.
Thing.
Kimberly (20:34):
It was not what we're talking about.
Okay, so making magical momentsand, yeah, if you have
suggestions or things that youdo in your marriage that are,
you know, special andintentional moments that you
know gosh, there are so many butif there are some fun ones that
(20:56):
you do are, you thinking aboutdoing Carpet picnic?
Danny Ray (20:59):
That's exactly what I think.
Kimberly (21:01):
Yeah, I was the carpet picnic, and then I thought, huh
, do I say that, yeah, carpetpicnic is a fun one, that you
know why have dinner at thetable, when I and we used to do
this with the kids sometimes too, and we've done playlist or
mixtapes where we you know gosomewhere and just dance like
nobody's around and hopefullynobody is around.
(21:22):
Well, that would be only insidethe house.
Yeah, yeah, kitchen dancing, Ido like that, but and what's
that song that I'll just layhere and forget about the world?
Danny Ray (21:34):
Snow Patrol yeah.
Kimberly (21:36):
Okay, and we've literally just laid there on the
carpet and gone.
All right, we need a minute andit's a special moment.
I you know it may have beenmore just to calm maybe me down
or you down, I don't remember,but I think we've done that song
a couple times.
We have yeah.
Danny Ray (21:53):
Yeah.
Kimberly (21:53):
When it's a hard day or felt overwhelmed, just.
Danny Ray (21:56):
Alexa play this, you know, and yeah, we'll lay down
and do nothing.
And that's funny because wejust said a somebody's name and
she responded.
Kimberly (22:07):
But I'm not going to say it again the machines are
listening to us.
Danny Ray (22:13):
But that that's it for today.
We hope that you create specialmoments together.
Thank you for listening in.
It means a lot to us and wehope that you do whatever it
takes to create a great marriage.
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