April 10, 2024 • 23 mins
Have you ever considered that a successful marriage might just be like perfecting a spellbinding magic act? Allow us to enchant you with our insights as we, Danny Ray, a magician with a knack for the extraordinary, and Kimberly, an insightful associate marriage and family therapist, share our personal 28-year odyssey of love and commitment. Together, we draw astonishing parallels between the awe of a magic show and the delicate dance of a marriage, underscoring the importance of constant evaluation, genuine feedback, and the art of tender communication. As we reflect on the wisdom of Proverbs 15:1, we'll guide you through the process of cultivating your relationship with the care and attentiveness of tending a vibrant garden. Our conversation is a tribute to all the couples out there who believe in the magic of growth and the power of nurturing their bond.
Within the realm of matrimony, we also delve into the deeply personal aspects that make or break the connection between two souls. Acknowledge the beauty in our differences as we discuss the significance of respecting individual needs for rest, relaxation, and personal fulfillment. Learn how we navigated the challenges of the pandemic, using it as an impetus for further education and enriching our own marriage in the process. We'll talk about the dance of communication, ensuring that the melodies of our individual lives harmonize with the shared rhythm of our partnership. Sharing our love for songs and podcasts, just as we do with our hearts, we uncover how cultivating personal interests can foster mutual understanding and growth. Join us as we unravel the continuous, loving effort it takes to fine-tune a marriage into a masterpiece of affection and companionship.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Danny Ray (00:00):
We are back.
I am Danny Ray and this is myincredible wife, kimberly, so I
am a magician and a pastor,among other things, and you are.
Kimberly (00:10):
I am other things as well.
I would say a mother, a wife,and I am an associate marriage
and family therapist.
Danny Ray (00:21):
So, if you're just tuning into this podcast for the
first time, we wrote a bookcalled no, I Can't Make your
Wife Disappear.
That's right, baby.
Based on a common question thatwe get, and the idea was like
how can we create a fun bookbased around, like a magic show,
a magician's perspective onmarriage?
(00:43):
And we've been married foralmost 28 years and one of the
things that is like a core valuefor us is we do whatever it
takes to create a great marriageand we made that decision our
first year of marriage and wetry to keep that going every
year to just create a greatmarriage.
And then, about a year and ahalf ago or so, we started this
(01:04):
podcast with the idea of how canwe help others to really create
great marriages.
And so, yeah, if you're tuningin for the first time, we hope
that this particular episodewill be a great way to jump in,
because we're talking about howto fine tune your marriage today
.
So maybe you're in a greatposition, but fine tuning is
(01:24):
something you could always do,or, if things are falling apart,
might be time to, you know, geta checkup, make some changes
and tune up in other ways.
Kimberly (01:34):
Yeah, and you do this in your magic shows.
So, or after a magic show, youevaluate how did that show go?
Is there anything that I couldbe doing better or differently?
You're gauging the reactions ofthe audience and what's their
part, their role.
But what's your role?
(01:54):
What do you control that youcan change and maybe do
something better or differently?
Danny Ray (02:03):
Yeah, let me talk about that.
So for the last 20 years I'vebeen on the road.
It's been a crazy journey.
I've been to all 50 states, 20some countries and around 4,000
shows.
I've had somebody travel withme to about 99% of those shows
to video.
Usually it's large audiencesand there's somebody running the
(02:26):
camera and the uniqueopportunity I have is with that
person.
For about 10 years it was thesame person, but then, with
different camera operators overthe years.
I have a conversation with themevery time after the show like
what could I do better?
I'm 4,000 shows in and I'mstill asking this question
(02:46):
because I don't want my lastshow to be like oh yeah, it's
perfect, I never have to work onit, it's fine, I'm always like
how can I tweak something?
Is there a line I said?
Is there a conversation I had?
Is there a connection I had?
And I think this is really truewhen it comes to our marriage.
We've probably, if you've beenmarried for a year or 10 years,
(03:09):
you've literally had thousandsand thousands of conversations
with your spouse.
But how can you fine tune andmake those better?
So that's yeah.
Kimberly (03:18):
And it's something we do.
I mean, you do that for yourshows, which is our ministry.
You do that for for your shows,which is our ministry.
Um, but people do it inbusiness and you know they have
to evaluate each quarter anddecide okay, did you know?
Is there anything we need to dodifferently?
Um, people do it with theircars, right, you take the car in
(03:38):
for a tune up?
Danny Ray (03:39):
Well, maybe we don't, but I hear that people do that
and that it's beneficial for thecar and necessary, come on, my
car's still going after 20 years.
Dump truck is a machine, dumptruck's amazing.
Kimberly (03:52):
Yes, affectionately known as dump truck, a little
car that Danny drives that theyoungest child named dump truck.
But it is not a dump truck.
Just to clarify.
Danny Ray (04:04):
I think they got that .
Kimberly (04:05):
Okay, okay, good, so, yeah, so fine, tuning things,
making changes, what can we?
So?
It might mean that you evaluatethis on your own thinking of
how your role is in yourmarriage and thinking just on
your own what can I do better?
What can I do differently?
But it might be a really goodconversation for both of you to
(04:26):
have.
Hey, is there anything fromyour perspective that you think
I could do differently or better, or we together could do
differently?
Danny Ray (04:35):
Yeah, think of a proverb in Proverbs 15, one.
It says a gentle answer turnsaway wrath, but a harsh word
stirs up anger.
And as we look at fine tuningand connecting with our spouse,
we want to make sure we're doingthat gently, that we're not
just kind of abruptly saying hey, you know, when you park the
(04:57):
car in the driveway you couldpark it Like, even if it's
something as small as that,right, the way somebody parks,
you know, could be frustrating,but the way you handle that um
is going to really help you toum make those things even better
, make that for a strongerrelationship instead of
hindering it.
Um, you're yeah.
(05:37):
You can harm it or yeah, yeah,yeah, harm the relationship or
help the relationship.
Yeah, yeah, harm therelationship or help the
relationship, not kind of thebroader strokes, but maybe
something that hasn't hadattention to it before, so you
want to make sure you'rehandling that with with care,
Like I think of another way oflooking at this is like a garden
We've talked about this a lotand with when you see somebody's
(06:02):
garden and it's like perfectout front, and then all of a
sudden it's like huh thegarden's starting to turn, grass
is starting to go brown.
We always think, hmm, what'sgoing on in that marriage?
Kimberly (06:15):
Including our own.
Our own yard is evidence ofthat.
Yeah, a little theory we haveon the side.
Danny Ray (06:22):
Theory on the side, but the reality is, you know, a
garden needs attention, yeah,and it needs, you know, the
pruning and the fine tuning ofthat to make it flourish and to
make it great, and I thinkthat's.
Kimberly (06:37):
I want to note, because you're kind of talking
about timing and approach in howto even address this topic,
about fine tuning, but really itneeds to be our motive matters.
So if I come to you and say,hey, we need to talk, here are
all the things that I came upwith that you need to change and
fine-tune in our marriage.
Danny Ray (06:56):
I think that's great.
The things you need to changePerfect.
Kimberly (07:00):
Exactly so.
There's a big difference in mecoming to you with a list of
complaints, yeah.
And instead of that because,exactly so, there's a big
difference in me coming to youwith a list of complaints, yeah,
and instead of that, becausethat's not going to go well.
Instead of that, I can approachyou with an open heart and open
mind, going what can Ipersonally change?
And I'm asking you which can behard, so you have to be in that
headspace to receive that.
Danny Ray (07:21):
Yeah, I think another like turning the tables on this
for a second another way toapproach.
This is, let's say, you go on adate and the date goes great to
reflect on that Like hey, whydid?
This go so well, Like this isfun.
Let's make this happen again.
What do we do?
Well, how can we celebrate thismoment?
(07:42):
But how can we work on creatingthis moment again?
So, like, when I think of myshow, it's not like let's find
all the things wrong.
We tend to have thoseconversations, but we also talk
about all the things that wentright.
Right, like wow, at thebeginning you had everybody
laughing.
You know normally takes you twoor three minutes to get to that
(08:02):
point.
Kimberly (08:03):
So what was the difference?
Danny Ray (08:04):
Yeah, and oftentimes, if that because that's come up
quite a bit over the years isthere something that I heard
that happened ahead of time andmaybe Like in the crowd that
they're talking and you'rebehind stage and you hear them
say something, so they don'teven know you hear it, yeah, and
when I hear those things andput it into the show, they feel
(08:27):
like I'm a part of that groupand there's connection.
And I think when you look at adate right and go like, hey, why
did this go Well?
You could look at all thepositive things.
But maybe there's things thateven before the date started
that you helped to set up forsuccess, and maybe we're the
(08:47):
only ones who have had datefails where we're like, well,
that didn't go well, we'regetting into a fight and it
feels like it ruins the date.
But evaluating those two andgoing like okay, why is it that
we let this trip us up?
Why?
Kimberly (09:02):
is it?
That we Because we were sohungry.
Danny Ray (09:06):
Oh, that's nine out of 10 times.
Kimberly (09:09):
It's very possible anyway, all right.
So what would be another one infine tuning the relationship
you've got?
How about the one to beat?
Did you want to talk about that?
Yeah, so I.
Danny Ray (09:23):
I always like this idea of the one to beat, and so
when I, when I create a momentin a show and it's just like
crazy good, you, you create adate in your marriage, and it's
like crazy good, I go okay,that's the new standard.
Kimberly (09:39):
That's the one to beat .
Danny Ray (09:40):
That's the date to beat.
That's the date to beat.
That's the trick to.
You know, how do I come overthe top?
And I think in our you knowmarriages, when we start to put
that type of attention of likeman, we had a great day, how can
?
We make you know, the next dayeven better.
Hey, we had a great vacation.
We didn't do all the thingsthat made our last vacation fall
(10:01):
apart.
This is the ideal vacationlet's let and it doesn't mean go
to the same location.
It's like what are the things?
Kimberly (10:09):
And it doesn't have to mean spend a ton more, right.
Danny Ray (10:12):
Yeah, so it's.
Sometimes, you know, there'speople that are in a position
where, sure, if that works forthem, yeah't a concern and they
could spend more.
But usually you could spend agazillion dollars and a date
could fall apart.
Yes, or you could spend nothingand it could fall apart.
I don't think the principlesfor how things are successful by
(10:34):
caring for somebody else, byhearing them and trying to
listen to them.
Maybe grabbing you know?
Grabbing you know?
10 questions that you want toask on this date and you know,
to get to know your spouse in adeeper way, or I?
Kimberly (10:49):
like the to me somewhat next level on a date
Now, this is not me asking youto do this.
We have done this at times, butno, no, no, I'm just saying I
don't know how how often otherpeople do this, um, and it may
or may not be helpful to them,but uh, we've had it where you
(11:13):
know, once you're married,you're often just hopping in the
car on a date together, right,you're just going to the garage,
getting in the car and you gooff together.
But when you were dating as uhbefore, you were together.
But when you were dating as uhbefore you were married, when
you were dating yeah somebodymight be one of you might be
showing up at the other person'sdoor, and then there's the the
walk down the path to the carand somebody's opening doors,
(11:35):
and right it's, there's thisromantic part to it that, um,
easily get lost by.
Just all right, we're going ona date, we're hopping in the car
together, so, anyway, just anidea that I know we've done once
in a while, where you'll showup at the door and we do the
date that way.
So what else you got for?
Danny Ray (11:57):
us.
So this idea of fine tuningyour marriage.
So there's different levelsthat we all need.
One, like I'll just say, forrest and relaxation right.
Is.
I might go sit out by the pooland take a book out there and 20
(12:18):
minutes later I feel likerefreshed, recharged, ready to
go, or sunburned.
Sunburned is probably thereality.
Yeah, I better be in the shade.
Yeah, where, where you, you?
Uh, you might do that in 20minutes.
All you've done is like, thinkabout, like, oh, I forgot to put
this, oh, my car is this orthis and then 20 minutes, you
(12:42):
still kind of feel stuck.
Yeah, in the the fine tune, uh,like argument for marriage,
that I want to make is that weassume that the other person
because I feel refreshed after20 minutes that's what they need
that.
So it's like hey, babe, I wantto give this to you.
I'm going to give you just 20minutes on your own in the sun.
Just do nothing, and you feelstuck.
(13:03):
When you come back in, I'm like, don't you feel refreshed and
recharged and ready to go, whenwhat you needed was maybe an
hour or maybe-.
Kimberly (13:11):
An hour sniffing candles at Ross Ooh wow, there
is something.
Danny Ray (13:16):
never send me on a you would hate that Right.
Kimberly (13:22):
But our different needs, different ways of filling
our cup.
Danny Ray (13:25):
Look at our intimacy needs.
I might go.
Oh, I would like to have sextwo times a week five times a
week, all the time.
Right, but when we look at whatthe actual needs are, right,
yeah.
But you might go like, oh, Ionly need it once a week once a
month, once every other week.
Kimberly (13:45):
whatever those numbers , Hopefully more than once a
month.
Danny Ray (13:49):
But right the needs when they're different, it
becomes how do you serve theother, not how do you meet your
own needs, because they're notwrong.
Kimberly (13:57):
I think that's the big part of it.
Right, they're not wrong justbecause your needs are different
than mine or my needs aredifferent than yours doesn't
make them wrong.
And I'll throw this out theretoo, real quick that we are
responsible for meeting our ownneeds to some extent, right.
So if I realize I need a break,that's not your job to figure
(14:20):
that out and figure out what todo Now.
It's helpful sometimes when weoffer suggestions, but it is my
responsibility to figure out.
Oh, I'm running on empty.
I need a break.
I need to do something to fillmy cup.
Danny Ray (14:33):
Yeah, and what that break looks like for you and for
your spouse, or two differentthings.
But we could talk about 50 ofthese things where they're you
know it could be how long youcould handle at work.
You know where I'm like oh, Iworked 12 hours and I'm ready to
go, I'm fine, and you're like Iworked six hours and I'm done,
you know, and.
But we can't just put thatburden on somebody else and go.
(14:57):
well, they should be like methat happens a lot in marriages,
all of these levels that I'm atand we could take emotionally
right, where I might be able togive four on the empathy scale
and you give eight.
But you're like I want eight,I'm like I could, like four is
my 10, four is me giving my best, you know, and it can't just be
(15:21):
this demand of like well, youneed to do, um, you need to
bring this to this for me.
Right, we have to meet peoplewhere they're at instead of
within their abilities.
Yeah, uh.
But that, that fine tune, Ithink, has helped me in terms of
my show, is what are all thedifferent levels in a show that
(15:41):
I'm trying to create from anemotional connection that might
be very like, not sad, but where, you know, might connect on the
heart level, but then there'sother moments that connect on
the surprise level, and then youknow.
So I'm creating these differentlevels in the show, but in our
marriage we have differentlevels.
Like, let me take each spouse.
(16:03):
Our spouse has different levelsof things and I have different
levels and we have to meet eachother where, where we're at.
Kimberly (16:09):
Yeah, yeah for sure.
But that takes a conversationright, having to figure that out
together.
I like this idea too, in thefine-tuning of the marriage,
maybe asking yourself and eachother how are you encouraging
individual growth so a big onefor us?
(16:31):
That happened in the pandemic.
Was you sending me back toschool or us having that
decision, that conversation?
I say you sending me becauseyou're the dreamer and I'll sit
back and wait for things tohappen, but you make them happen
, and so that was something weknew that I wanted for a long
(16:53):
time, but we were waiting forthe perfect timing and a
pandemic will do it.
Pandemic will do it, as as a lotof people out there can attest
to.
So that made sense for me to goback to school during that time
and pursue being a marriage andfamily therapist with with a
license, not just doing it as alay person, as I did for so many
(17:16):
years before that, butencouraging individual growth I
don't think we talk a whole lotabout in marriages and it's so
important, right?
If I'm not growing, if I havenothing to share with you at the
end of the day, then, yeah,it's going to feel stagnant,
because it is right, so askingeach other hey, how can I help
(17:39):
you to grow?
What?
What are you reading right now?
Share that with me.
What do you?
You know, what did you?
I was going to say here on theradio, but that's me, that's not
you.
Danny Ray (17:49):
You know, I listen to a podcast or Spotify or any
number of things where we couldlearn and grow, and even music.
Kimberly (17:59):
Yeah, what's your favorite song right now?
What?
Danny Ray (18:02):
are you listening to these days?
What's you know?
What's you know?
What's your jam?
Kimberly (18:06):
Yeah, and why does it speak to you?
And what's you know is it?
Danny Ray (18:10):
Yeah, I think with any of those you could get
closer.
You could fine tune like yeah,yeah, I know the music they
listen to, but why do theylisten to it?
What do they love about it?
Right, and then, on the otherside of that, what about going
to one of their concerts?
Kimberly (18:26):
What about doing?
You know, like it's creatingthose when can you join them?
Yeah, so individually, they'regrowing as an individual, but
then where can you join eachother?
Danny Ray (18:32):
Because you want to continue what I would say.
Three things companionshipright Is that connection and
that companionship and gettingto know the other person.
You want to continue to buildtrust and as you build that
trust, they're going to feellike they could share more and
connect more.
And you want to continue togrow in intimacy.
(18:53):
And I'll say intimacy in everyarea, from the bedroom to the
kitchen is, I think, there.
There are all kinds of ways wecould learn to be intimate.
Kimberly (19:02):
Yeah, you're saying like the emotional part and the
physical intimacy.
Both those, yeah, okay.
Danny Ray (19:06):
I heard kitchen and I was trying to figure out what.
What am I?
Kimberly (19:09):
doing in the kitchen.
Okay, You're not, I'm not, I'dreally rather not Thank you.
Thanks for the offer, um, andalso, we can't skip out on, you
know, a conversation about whereis christ in our marriage.
Is christ at the center of ourmarriage?
Danny Ray (19:28):
how are?
Kimberly (19:28):
we, how are we doing on that?
Um, are there ways that wecould be doing that better or
differently?
Danny Ray (19:35):
yeah, one of the, the key questions that I feel like
we ask others and ourselves on aon a regular basis and being
open to the answer and honestwith how you respond, is how's
your walk with God going?
And being open with that oflike I'm just really struggling
(19:56):
or I'm not hearing his voiceright now, or I feel like my
time and God's word I just feellike it's lacking or I don't
even have the desire, or thingsare going great and I feel like
I'm loving God more and lovingothers more, doing the thing
he's called me to do better.
In talking about the passions,the ups, the downs, I think in
(20:21):
any long season when you look atmarriage you're in a long
season.
There's going to be those upsand downs and trying to be real
and honest, but it happens withall three of those, you know,
building that trust anddeveloping the companionship and
being intimate with one another.
Kimberly (20:41):
For sure.
I think I would add one more.
I don't know if you haveanother after that processing
that, after an event whereyou've done a magic show and
you're processing this, usuallywith a videographer um, that's a
form of seeking help.
You're not doing it alone right, you're getting advice from
(21:05):
somebody else's perspective, notjust your own.
Danny Ray (21:07):
It's so great to be able to do it yeah.
Kimberly (21:09):
You love doing that?
Yeah, it's so helpful becausesomebody else's perspective.
Danny Ray (21:13):
Yeah, it's like, oh, I didn't see that, I didn't
think about that, you know,because obviously there's only
so much you could think aboutand process.
But yeah, having an outside,perspective.
Kimberly (21:24):
Yeah, yeah, and people do that in business.
They go oh okay, I think I needsomebody else's perspective on
this.
How do we increase our salesthis month?
Or you know those kinds ofthings.
Danny Ray (21:35):
Right, yeah, hire a consultant or a coach.
Yes, exactly, you know, hiresomebody in for the marketing
team or any number of thingslike that, Because if we just
leave it stagnant, we can'texpect growth right.
Kimberly (21:48):
If we don't make any changes, most of the times
things aren't going to grow orget better or right.
So seeking help when that'sneeded in the marriage as well.
Danny Ray (22:00):
Not even necessarily be like.
I think sometimes we we thinkof that word help and we're like
, oh, I need to go to therapy orI need to go talk to my pastor
and like help could just begoing out with friends and
saying, hey, uh, I don't knowwhat you guys are struggling
with, but this week we've beengoing through this and like oh
(22:20):
yeah, we've done that, but Ifeel like this really helped us.
We've read this book together.
We went through this devotionaltogether or we joined this Bible
study, or we saw this therapist, or we went to our pastor or
hey, you need to call up afriend of mine.
He really helped know, reallyhelped us navigate.
You know, there's differentways, I think, to just look at
(22:41):
how can you get somebody else tocome alongside, whether that's
another couple, and maybe it'sjust space.
You know, sometimes it's noteven another person.
You just need space to get awayfor a weekend to process those
things and that could be a help.
So there's a lot of differentways we could get help in a
(23:03):
different perspective, butdefinitely, you know, through um
, through others, is a key partof that.
Kimberly (23:08):
Yep, yep, that's.
That's what I've got.
Danny Ray (23:11):
All right.
Well, we're going to wrap it upwith that, that, and thank you
for tuning in.
And, yeah, please let us knowyour feedback at danny, at
dannyraymagiccom if you havequestions or ideas that we could
help out with.
We'd love to be a part of that.
Thank you for tuning in.
This is danny ray and kimberlyand we do whatever it takes.
We are back.
I am Danny Ray and this is myincredible wife, kimberly, so I
am a magician and a pastor,among other things, and you are.
Kimberly (00:10):
I am other things as well.
I would say a mother, a wife,and I am an associate marriage
and family therapist.
Danny Ray (00:21):
So, if you're just tuning into this podcast for the
first time, we wrote a bookcalled no, I Can't Make your
Wife Disappear.
That's right, baby.
Based on a common question thatwe get, and the idea was like
how can we create a fun bookbased around, like a magic show,
a magician's perspective onmarriage?
(00:43):
And we've been married foralmost 28 years and one of the
things that is like a core valuefor us is we do whatever it
takes to create a great marriageand we made that decision our
first year of marriage and wetry to keep that going every
year to just create a greatmarriage.
And then, about a year and ahalf ago or so, we started this
(01:04):
podcast with the idea of how canwe help others to really create
great marriages.
And so, yeah, if you're tuningin for the first time, we hope
that this particular episodewill be a great way to jump in,
because we're talking about howto fine tune your marriage today
.
So maybe you're in a greatposition, but fine tuning is
(01:24):
something you could always do,or, if things are falling apart,
might be time to, you know, geta checkup, make some changes
and tune up in other ways.
Kimberly (01:34):
Yeah, and you do this in your magic shows.
So, or after a magic show, youevaluate how did that show go?
Is there anything that I couldbe doing better or differently?
You're gauging the reactions ofthe audience and what's their
part, their role.
But what's your role?
(01:54):
What do you control that youcan change and maybe do
something better or differently?
Danny Ray (02:03):
Yeah, let me talk about that.
So for the last 20 years I'vebeen on the road.
It's been a crazy journey.
I've been to all 50 states, 20some countries and around 4,000
shows.
I've had somebody travel withme to about 99% of those shows
to video.
Usually it's large audiencesand there's somebody running the
(02:26):
camera and the uniqueopportunity I have is with that
person.
For about 10 years it was thesame person, but then, with
different camera operators overthe years.
I have a conversation with themevery time after the show like
what could I do better?
I'm 4,000 shows in and I'mstill asking this question
(02:46):
because I don't want my lastshow to be like oh yeah, it's
perfect, I never have to work onit, it's fine, I'm always like
how can I tweak something?
Is there a line I said?
Is there a conversation I had?
Is there a connection I had?
And I think this is really truewhen it comes to our marriage.
We've probably, if you've beenmarried for a year or 10 years,
(03:09):
you've literally had thousandsand thousands of conversations
with your spouse.
But how can you fine tune andmake those better?
So that's yeah.
Kimberly (03:18):
And it's something we do.
I mean, you do that for yourshows, which is our ministry.
You do that for for your shows,which is our ministry.
Um, but people do it inbusiness and you know they have
to evaluate each quarter anddecide okay, did you know?
Is there anything we need to dodifferently?
Um, people do it with theircars, right, you take the car in
(03:38):
for a tune up?
Danny Ray (03:39):
Well, maybe we don't, but I hear that people do that
and that it's beneficial for thecar and necessary, come on, my
car's still going after 20 years.
Dump truck is a machine, dumptruck's amazing.
Kimberly (03:52):
Yes, affectionately known as dump truck, a little
car that Danny drives that theyoungest child named dump truck.
But it is not a dump truck.
Just to clarify.
Danny Ray (04:04):
I think they got that .
Kimberly (04:05):
Okay, okay, good, so, yeah, so fine, tuning things,
making changes, what can we?
So?
It might mean that you evaluatethis on your own thinking of
how your role is in yourmarriage and thinking just on
your own what can I do better?
What can I do differently?
But it might be a really goodconversation for both of you to
(04:26):
have.
Hey, is there anything fromyour perspective that you think
I could do differently or better, or we together could do
differently?
Danny Ray (04:35):
Yeah, think of a proverb in Proverbs 15, one.
It says a gentle answer turnsaway wrath, but a harsh word
stirs up anger.
And as we look at fine tuningand connecting with our spouse,
we want to make sure we're doingthat gently, that we're not
just kind of abruptly saying hey, you know, when you park the
(04:57):
car in the driveway you couldpark it Like, even if it's
something as small as that,right, the way somebody parks,
you know, could be frustrating,but the way you handle that um
is going to really help you toum make those things even better
, make that for a strongerrelationship instead of
hindering it.
Um, you're yeah.
(05:37):
You can harm it or yeah, yeah,yeah, harm the relationship or
help the relationship.
Yeah, yeah, harm therelationship or help the
relationship, not kind of thebroader strokes, but maybe
something that hasn't hadattention to it before, so you
want to make sure you'rehandling that with with care,
Like I think of another way oflooking at this is like a garden
We've talked about this a lotand with when you see somebody's
(06:02):
garden and it's like perfectout front, and then all of a
sudden it's like huh thegarden's starting to turn, grass
is starting to go brown.
We always think, hmm, what'sgoing on in that marriage?
Kimberly (06:15):
Including our own.
Our own yard is evidence ofthat.
Yeah, a little theory we haveon the side.
Danny Ray (06:22):
Theory on the side, but the reality is, you know, a
garden needs attention, yeah,and it needs, you know, the
pruning and the fine tuning ofthat to make it flourish and to
make it great, and I thinkthat's.
Kimberly (06:37):
I want to note, because you're kind of talking
about timing and approach in howto even address this topic,
about fine tuning, but really itneeds to be our motive matters.
So if I come to you and say,hey, we need to talk, here are
all the things that I came upwith that you need to change and
fine-tune in our marriage.
Danny Ray (06:56):
I think that's great.
The things you need to changePerfect.
Kimberly (07:00):
Exactly so.
There's a big difference in mecoming to you with a list of
complaints, yeah.
And instead of that because,exactly so, there's a big
difference in me coming to youwith a list of complaints, yeah,
and instead of that, becausethat's not going to go well.
Instead of that, I can approachyou with an open heart and open
mind, going what can Ipersonally change?
And I'm asking you which can behard, so you have to be in that
headspace to receive that.
Danny Ray (07:21):
Yeah, I think another like turning the tables on this
for a second another way toapproach.
This is, let's say, you go on adate and the date goes great to
reflect on that Like hey, whydid?
This go so well, Like this isfun.
Let's make this happen again.
What do we do?
Well, how can we celebrate thismoment?
(07:42):
But how can we work on creatingthis moment again?
So, like, when I think of myshow, it's not like let's find
all the things wrong.
We tend to have thoseconversations, but we also talk
about all the things that wentright.
Right, like wow, at thebeginning you had everybody
laughing.
You know normally takes you twoor three minutes to get to that
(08:02):
point.
Kimberly (08:03):
So what was the difference?
Danny Ray (08:04):
Yeah, and oftentimes, if that because that's come up
quite a bit over the years isthere something that I heard
that happened ahead of time andmaybe Like in the crowd that
they're talking and you'rebehind stage and you hear them
say something, so they don'teven know you hear it, yeah, and
when I hear those things andput it into the show, they feel
(08:27):
like I'm a part of that groupand there's connection.
And I think when you look at adate right and go like, hey, why
did this go Well?
You could look at all thepositive things.
But maybe there's things thateven before the date started
that you helped to set up forsuccess, and maybe we're the
(08:47):
only ones who have had datefails where we're like, well,
that didn't go well, we'regetting into a fight and it
feels like it ruins the date.
But evaluating those two andgoing like okay, why is it that
we let this trip us up?
Why?
Kimberly (09:02):
is it?
That we Because we were sohungry.
Danny Ray (09:06):
Oh, that's nine out of 10 times.
Kimberly (09:09):
It's very possible anyway, all right.
So what would be another one infine tuning the relationship
you've got?
How about the one to beat?
Did you want to talk about that?
Yeah, so I.
Danny Ray (09:23):
I always like this idea of the one to beat, and so
when I, when I create a momentin a show and it's just like
crazy good, you, you create adate in your marriage, and it's
like crazy good, I go okay,that's the new standard.
Kimberly (09:39):
That's the one to beat .
Danny Ray (09:40):
That's the date to beat.
That's the date to beat.
That's the trick to.
You know, how do I come overthe top?
And I think in our you knowmarriages, when we start to put
that type of attention of likeman, we had a great day, how can
?
We make you know, the next dayeven better.
Hey, we had a great vacation.
We didn't do all the thingsthat made our last vacation fall
(10:01):
apart.
This is the ideal vacationlet's let and it doesn't mean go
to the same location.
It's like what are the things?
Kimberly (10:09):
And it doesn't have to mean spend a ton more, right.
Danny Ray (10:12):
Yeah, so it's.
Sometimes, you know, there'speople that are in a position
where, sure, if that works forthem, yeah't a concern and they
could spend more.
But usually you could spend agazillion dollars and a date
could fall apart.
Yes, or you could spend nothingand it could fall apart.
I don't think the principlesfor how things are successful by
(10:34):
caring for somebody else, byhearing them and trying to
listen to them.
Maybe grabbing you know?
Grabbing you know?
10 questions that you want toask on this date and you know,
to get to know your spouse in adeeper way, or I?
Kimberly (10:49):
like the to me somewhat next level on a date
Now, this is not me asking youto do this.
We have done this at times, butno, no, no, I'm just saying I
don't know how how often otherpeople do this, um, and it may
or may not be helpful to them,but uh, we've had it where you
(11:13):
know, once you're married,you're often just hopping in the
car on a date together, right,you're just going to the garage,
getting in the car and you gooff together.
But when you were dating as uhbefore, you were together.
But when you were dating as uhbefore you were married, when
you were dating yeah somebodymight be one of you might be
showing up at the other person'sdoor, and then there's the the
walk down the path to the carand somebody's opening doors,
(11:35):
and right it's, there's thisromantic part to it that, um,
easily get lost by.
Just all right, we're going ona date, we're hopping in the car
together, so, anyway, just anidea that I know we've done once
in a while, where you'll showup at the door and we do the
date that way.
So what else you got for?
Danny Ray (11:57):
us.
So this idea of fine tuningyour marriage.
So there's different levelsthat we all need.
One, like I'll just say, forrest and relaxation right.
Is.
I might go sit out by the pooland take a book out there and 20
(12:18):
minutes later I feel likerefreshed, recharged, ready to
go, or sunburned.
Sunburned is probably thereality.
Yeah, I better be in the shade.
Yeah, where, where you, you?
Uh, you might do that in 20minutes.
All you've done is like, thinkabout, like, oh, I forgot to put
this, oh, my car is this orthis and then 20 minutes, you
(12:42):
still kind of feel stuck.
Yeah, in the the fine tune, uh,like argument for marriage,
that I want to make is that weassume that the other person
because I feel refreshed after20 minutes that's what they need
that.
So it's like hey, babe, I wantto give this to you.
I'm going to give you just 20minutes on your own in the sun.
Just do nothing, and you feelstuck.
(13:03):
When you come back in, I'm like, don't you feel refreshed and
recharged and ready to go, whenwhat you needed was maybe an
hour or maybe-.
Kimberly (13:11):
An hour sniffing candles at Ross Ooh wow, there
is something.
Danny Ray (13:16):
never send me on a you would hate that Right.
Kimberly (13:22):
But our different needs, different ways of filling
our cup.
Danny Ray (13:25):
Look at our intimacy needs.
I might go.
Oh, I would like to have sextwo times a week five times a
week, all the time.
Right, but when we look at whatthe actual needs are, right,
yeah.
But you might go like, oh, Ionly need it once a week once a
month, once every other week.
Kimberly (13:45):
whatever those numbers , Hopefully more than once a
month.
Danny Ray (13:49):
But right the needs when they're different, it
becomes how do you serve theother, not how do you meet your
own needs, because they're notwrong.
Kimberly (13:57):
I think that's the big part of it.
Right, they're not wrong justbecause your needs are different
than mine or my needs aredifferent than yours doesn't
make them wrong.
And I'll throw this out theretoo, real quick that we are
responsible for meeting our ownneeds to some extent, right.
So if I realize I need a break,that's not your job to figure
(14:20):
that out and figure out what todo Now.
It's helpful sometimes when weoffer suggestions, but it is my
responsibility to figure out.
Oh, I'm running on empty.
I need a break.
I need to do something to fillmy cup.
Danny Ray (14:33):
Yeah, and what that break looks like for you and for
your spouse, or two differentthings.
But we could talk about 50 ofthese things where they're you
know it could be how long youcould handle at work.
You know where I'm like oh, Iworked 12 hours and I'm ready to
go, I'm fine, and you're like Iworked six hours and I'm done,
you know, and.
But we can't just put thatburden on somebody else and go.
(14:57):
well, they should be like methat happens a lot in marriages,
all of these levels that I'm atand we could take emotionally
right, where I might be able togive four on the empathy scale
and you give eight.
But you're like I want eight,I'm like I could, like four is
my 10, four is me giving my best, you know, and it can't just be
(15:21):
this demand of like well, youneed to do, um, you need to
bring this to this for me.
Right, we have to meet peoplewhere they're at instead of
within their abilities.
Yeah, uh.
But that, that fine tune, Ithink, has helped me in terms of
my show, is what are all thedifferent levels in a show that
(15:41):
I'm trying to create from anemotional connection that might
be very like, not sad, but where, you know, might connect on the
heart level, but then there'sother moments that connect on
the surprise level, and then youknow.
So I'm creating these differentlevels in the show, but in our
marriage we have differentlevels.
Like, let me take each spouse.
(16:03):
Our spouse has different levelsof things and I have different
levels and we have to meet eachother where, where we're at.
Kimberly (16:09):
Yeah, yeah for sure.
But that takes a conversationright, having to figure that out
together.
I like this idea too, in thefine-tuning of the marriage,
maybe asking yourself and eachother how are you encouraging
individual growth so a big onefor us?
(16:31):
That happened in the pandemic.
Was you sending me back toschool or us having that
decision, that conversation?
I say you sending me becauseyou're the dreamer and I'll sit
back and wait for things tohappen, but you make them happen
, and so that was something weknew that I wanted for a long
(16:53):
time, but we were waiting forthe perfect timing and a
pandemic will do it.
Pandemic will do it, as as a lotof people out there can attest
to.
So that made sense for me to goback to school during that time
and pursue being a marriage andfamily therapist with with a
license, not just doing it as alay person, as I did for so many
(17:16):
years before that, butencouraging individual growth I
don't think we talk a whole lotabout in marriages and it's so
important, right?
If I'm not growing, if I havenothing to share with you at the
end of the day, then, yeah,it's going to feel stagnant,
because it is right, so askingeach other hey, how can I help
(17:39):
you to grow?
What?
What are you reading right now?
Share that with me.
What do you?
You know, what did you?
I was going to say here on theradio, but that's me, that's not
you.
Danny Ray (17:49):
You know, I listen to a podcast or Spotify or any
number of things where we couldlearn and grow, and even music.
Kimberly (17:59):
Yeah, what's your favorite song right now?
What?
Danny Ray (18:02):
are you listening to these days?
What's you know?
What's you know?
What's your jam?
Kimberly (18:06):
Yeah, and why does it speak to you?
And what's you know is it?
Danny Ray (18:10):
Yeah, I think with any of those you could get
closer.
You could fine tune like yeah,yeah, I know the music they
listen to, but why do theylisten to it?
What do they love about it?
Right, and then, on the otherside of that, what about going
to one of their concerts?
Kimberly (18:26):
What about doing?
You know, like it's creatingthose when can you join them?
Yeah, so individually, they'regrowing as an individual, but
then where can you join eachother?
Danny Ray (18:32):
Because you want to continue what I would say.
Three things companionshipright Is that connection and
that companionship and gettingto know the other person.
You want to continue to buildtrust and as you build that
trust, they're going to feellike they could share more and
connect more.
And you want to continue togrow in intimacy.
(18:53):
And I'll say intimacy in everyarea, from the bedroom to the
kitchen is, I think, there.
There are all kinds of ways wecould learn to be intimate.
Kimberly (19:02):
Yeah, you're saying like the emotional part and the
physical intimacy.
Both those, yeah, okay.
Danny Ray (19:06):
I heard kitchen and I was trying to figure out what.
What am I?
Kimberly (19:09):
doing in the kitchen.
Okay, You're not, I'm not, I'dreally rather not Thank you.
Thanks for the offer, um, andalso, we can't skip out on, you
know, a conversation about whereis christ in our marriage.
Is christ at the center of ourmarriage?
Danny Ray (19:28):
how are?
Kimberly (19:28):
we, how are we doing on that?
Um, are there ways that wecould be doing that better or
differently?
Danny Ray (19:35):
yeah, one of the, the key questions that I feel like
we ask others and ourselves on aon a regular basis and being
open to the answer and honestwith how you respond, is how's
your walk with God going?
And being open with that oflike I'm just really struggling
(19:56):
or I'm not hearing his voiceright now, or I feel like my
time and God's word I just feellike it's lacking or I don't
even have the desire, or thingsare going great and I feel like
I'm loving God more and lovingothers more, doing the thing
he's called me to do better.
In talking about the passions,the ups, the downs, I think in
(20:21):
any long season when you look atmarriage you're in a long
season.
There's going to be those upsand downs and trying to be real
and honest, but it happens withall three of those, you know,
building that trust anddeveloping the companionship and
being intimate with one another.
Kimberly (20:41):
For sure.
I think I would add one more.
I don't know if you haveanother after that processing
that, after an event whereyou've done a magic show and
you're processing this, usuallywith a videographer um, that's a
form of seeking help.
You're not doing it alone right, you're getting advice from
(21:05):
somebody else's perspective, notjust your own.
Danny Ray (21:07):
It's so great to be able to do it yeah.
Kimberly (21:09):
You love doing that?
Yeah, it's so helpful becausesomebody else's perspective.
Danny Ray (21:13):
Yeah, it's like, oh, I didn't see that, I didn't
think about that, you know,because obviously there's only
so much you could think aboutand process.
But yeah, having an outside,perspective.
Kimberly (21:24):
Yeah, yeah, and people do that in business.
They go oh okay, I think I needsomebody else's perspective on
this.
How do we increase our salesthis month?
Or you know those kinds ofthings.
Danny Ray (21:35):
Right, yeah, hire a consultant or a coach.
Yes, exactly, you know, hiresomebody in for the marketing
team or any number of thingslike that, Because if we just
leave it stagnant, we can'texpect growth right.
Kimberly (21:48):
If we don't make any changes, most of the times
things aren't going to grow orget better or right.
So seeking help when that'sneeded in the marriage as well.
Danny Ray (22:00):
Not even necessarily be like.
I think sometimes we we thinkof that word help and we're like
, oh, I need to go to therapy orI need to go talk to my pastor
and like help could just begoing out with friends and
saying, hey, uh, I don't knowwhat you guys are struggling
with, but this week we've beengoing through this and like oh
(22:20):
yeah, we've done that, but Ifeel like this really helped us.
We've read this book together.
We went through this devotionaltogether or we joined this Bible
study, or we saw this therapist, or we went to our pastor or
hey, you need to call up afriend of mine.
He really helped know, reallyhelped us navigate.
You know, there's differentways, I think, to just look at
(22:41):
how can you get somebody else tocome alongside, whether that's
another couple, and maybe it'sjust space.
You know, sometimes it's noteven another person.
You just need space to get awayfor a weekend to process those
things and that could be a help.
So there's a lot of differentways we could get help in a
(23:03):
different perspective, butdefinitely, you know, through um
, through others, is a key partof that.
Kimberly (23:08):
Yep, yep, that's.
That's what I've got.
Danny Ray (23:11):
All right.
Well, we're going to wrap it upwith that, that, and thank you
for tuning in.
And, yeah, please let us knowyour feedback at danny, at
dannyraymagiccom if you havequestions or ideas that we could
help out with.
We'd love to be a part of that.
Thank you for tuning in.
This is danny ray and kimberlyand we do whatever it takes.
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